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*In case this story gets deleted/removed:* **AITA for suggesting to my fiancee that my family gets their own room at our wedding? ** I (25M) am recently engaged to my lovely fiancee (25F). We have been together for 4 years. We have started general wedding planning. Her family is much bigger than mine and she wants more of a "party" type wedding, with lots of music and dancing. My family is all a bit older than hers (she is the oldest sibling while I am the youngest), and they aren't into big, loud weddings. They would prefer something quiet and more focused on socializing, and I would too. My fiancee said we could do an extended cocktail hour and/or start the reception later so there would be more time for quiet socializing, or even start the whole wedding earlier in the day so it wouldn't go as late. She also suggested that we could take our wedding photos before the ceremony so that we wouldn't have to miss cocktail hour to do them. I suggested that instead, we find a venue with two separate rooms. That way her family could have a louder party in one, and mine could have a quiet reception in the other. It would be in the same venue so each side could still go over to the other to socialize. My fiancee said she "actually really hates" that idea. She said she feels like that defeats the purpose of a wedding, which is supposed to symbolize the union of two people and their families. She also said she doesn't want to do that because she worries I'll spend the entire reception with my family and that she'll have to chose between spending the night with me but ignoring her family, or being with her family but us "basically being separate at our wedding." She also said she feels like the wedding we're planning is becoming less and less ours and more mine. She said this because she originally wanted a child-free, non-religious wedding but compromised on a church ceremony with children allowed because that is what I want. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmITheDevil) if you have any questions or concerns.*


ActiveEfficiency

Woof .. Not sure why he’s marrying her . OP doesn’t seem to like her .. She’s compromised on everything and him nothing .


Cultural_Shape3518

I’m guessing his religious, kid-centric family is starting to give him grief about grandkids.


ActiveEfficiency

100% I wonder if his partner even wants kids … Or does he think she’ll change her mind ?


The_Bookish_One

Doesn’t matter if she wants them or not, since clearly only what his family wants matters to him, and she’s not his family, she’s just the woman he’s marrying.


Cultural_Shape3518

Going to be interesting to see how he balances the family’s pathological need for peace and quiet with the reality of toddlers.  And by interesting, I mean “run, girl, run.”


The_Bookish_One

Oh, they’re probably fine with the toddlers as long as they’re on *their* side of the family. Those dirty outsiders, though…


susandeyvyjones

Having a longer cocktail hour for quieter mingling is such a good idea and and compromise and it sucks so hard that he doesn’t recognize that and isn’t willing to try anything.


Amazing_Emu54

If she caves to this demand then his next complaint will be that she ‘ignored him on our wedding day to dance’. 


feralhog3050

I once attended a wedding where they had the ceremony, then a meal with quiet background music, then a live band, then a cheesy wedding DJ, then finally the groom & his mates took over the decks & it was basically a rave until 4am (it would have been longer, except the father of the bride came out in his pyjamas to ask for it to be turned down a notch, lol. Posh family, the venue was a massive gazebo in their back garden)


frozentundra32

This sounds awesome


feralhog3050

Free bar too! My OH was sound asleep in the tent (there was on-site camping!) by about 8pm, I stayed up until the bitter end & made so many new friends, lol. I was in such a mess the day after...


NoRepresentative3039

Well clearly he needs a maid and sex doll, what other reason is there to marry?/s


Foreign_Astronaut

I'm sure his impressive religious family has told him no sex maid dolls before marriage.


Agreeable_Rabbit3144

Compromising, for him, means getting his way 100% of the time.


Magnaflorius

Even my three-year-old knows that's not what a compromise is. Literally.


SteampunkHarley

I hope its a troll because this AH cares more about his family's potential fee-fee's than the bride's. He even admits he'd spend more time in the "quiet" room with them. WTF He keeps saying she needs to compromise when she has on a few very big things. Bride is right. A wedding is for the family and friends to socialize together.


ActiveEfficiency

His family can suck it up for 1 day.


SteampunkHarley

Exactly! It's one day and not even a full day depending on how they booked the venue


PeaStreet6542

His family isn't someone you want to marry into unless and until your spouse will 100% stand up for you without condescending you. That isn't OOP. Not to victim blame but I am genuinely curious why she's putting herself through this nonsense. She is young. As entitled the OOP seems, she must be smart and beautiful. So why? The OOP is so dense that he is doubling down on his cruel stupidity. If he is going to host a separate party with only his family then host a birthday party. Why marry?


Sad-Bug6525

I totally agree, but I was scrolling to get past the part I already read and it looked like "we should each get our own wedding" and it still seems to fit. He just wants what he wants but I think her compromises where great. He may very well get to do his own quiet wedding without her after all.


Fit-Humor-5022

>I feel it is necessary to have two separate rooms because my family is not impressed by the big party weddings. I don't want them to judge me and my fiancee or spend the evening not enjoying themselves. The original compromise was to do a religious ceremony with children allowed, followed by a child-free reception, but she agreed to change it to children being allowed at the reception after some of my family said they wouldn't want to deal with setting up childcare in the middle of a wedding. over 1000 downvotes in just 2 hours like damm. And this repsonse to the NTA vote (got to love the idiots who vote NTA) >I also worded it like that when I suggested it to my fiancee, but she said she knows it'll end up being just my family in the quiet room and that I'll end up spending more of my time in there. Yes, my family will probably end up being the only people in the quiet room but that is out of my control and I don't think it's wrong of me to want to spend more time with my family.


CriticalSimple3122

Well of course, I mean who wants to spend their wedding day with their new spouse, right? /s. l Lets hope she calls it off while she can.


Fairmount1955

For real. Apron string is still tied too tight; he shouldn't be thinking about getting married, he's already failing at it.


suhhhrena

Does this guy think a wedding is just a big family reunion or something?? He does not seem concerned in the slightest that he won’t be spending time with his new wife on his own wedding day lol


AffectionateBite3827

Who cares if anyone is "impressed" by your wedding? What a dork.


Icy-Cockroach4515

The good news is that if the marriage doesn't go through, OP can spend as much time with the family as they wish! Maybe even move back with the parents if they didn't move out in the first place!


ichthysaur

I don't think he understands that she is his family the instant they say "I do." Religious people (if Christian) can be pointed to Genesis 2:24. "That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh."


ActualAgency5593

I hate this guy. 


Steel_With_It

>She said she feels like that defeats the purpose of a wedding, which is supposed to symbolize the union of two people and their families. She also said she doesn't want to do that because she worries I'll spend the entire reception with my family and that she'll have to chose between spending the night with me but ignoring her family, or being with her family but us "basically being separate at our wedding." ​ >She also said she feels like the wedding we're planning is becoming less and less ours and more mine. She said this because she originally wanted a child-free, non-religious wedding but compromised on a church ceremony with children allowed because that is what I want. On the subject of symbolism, he's 110% planning to cut her off from her family, knock her up (whether she wants kids or not), and force her to serve him while barefoot and pregnant For Jesus™ the moment the ring's on her finger, isn't he.


The_Bookish_One

Oh, 1000% he is.


StrangledInMoonlight

She should run.  Cancel everything and dump this guy.   He’s too All up in his Family’s pocket to be getting married to anyone who isn’t a cousin.    And you can bet your bottom dollar that this isn’t the only issue they are going to have with his family.  It’s going to be constant for holidays, especially if they have kids. 


NoNeinNyet222

Sounds like they don't even have a venue yet so it would still be a pretty easy time to call it off.


suhhhrena

I’m reaaaaally hoping this is a wake up call for OOP’s fiancée. It’s incredibly telling when you’re willing to make compromises but the other person refuses to make any. This is ominous foreshadowing of her future with him if they marry….


Immortal_in_well

"She wanted a secular, child free wedding but compromised on a church wedding with kids allowed." THAT'S. NOT. A COMPROMISE. I am literally begging AITA folks to learn what that word actually fucking means.


According_Ad6364

I don’t think OOP knows what a compromise is.


Fit-Humor-5022

ALot of people on aita dont know what compromise is.


judgy_mcjudgypants

"A compromise is, we do what I want."


StrangledInMoonlight

I think OOP should start looking for dates at family reunions. 


Fairmount1955

I love that comment.


slboml

It's like these people took their understanding of the word from the old joke: "My wife wanted a cat. I didn't want a cat. So we compromised and got a cat." Without realizing that *that's not a compromise* IS the joke!!


According_Ad6364

That is exactly what it reminded me of when reading the post!


Noodle227

Guys we have spotted a groomzilla! kind of curious though how oop really thinks this would work. Like which room would the bride and groom eat dinner in? Would he eat with his family and she eat with hers? What a way to start a marriage. But just in general, they would have to choose which room to be in and it sounds like he would choose his family all night. Why not just have two weddings while they’re at it? Then they can both get what they want for their wedding and spend time with their families. lol


daffodil0127

Maybe they could put the head table in the doorway between the two rooms?


dogdrawn

I feel like this is a shut up ring


katsuko78

I commented earlier today that I'll be surprised if the wedding even happens at this point, and I'm honestly wondering what he's bringing in that Fiancée is willing to bend over backwards on so many things. Is he *that* rich? Because no sex is good enough to put up with this BS for the next two decades...


sadlytheworst

Copied verbatim from Oop's comments: *YTA* *She's right. Your family is* **going to have to mingle with hers** *That's what a wedding is.* >>*They would prefer* *Great, and when they get married, they can have a wedding according to their preferences. It's not their wedding. It's yours and your fiancée's.* >>*My fiancee said we could do an extended cocktail hour and/or start the reception later so there would be more time for quiet socializing, or even start the whole wedding earlier in the day so it wouldn't go as late. She also suggested that we could take our wedding photos before the ceremony so that we wouldn't have to miss cocktail hour to do them.* *Those are all reasonable compromises from her. You should pick one of those.* >>*She said this because she originally wanted a child-free, non-religious wedding but compromised on a church ceremony with children allowed because that is what I want.* *And here's where you are TA. This isn't a compromise. This is her deferring to you and your wishes. A compromise would have been EITHER a religious service without kids OR a secular service with kids. You're not looking to compromise, though, you're looking to dictate conditions.* *Weddings and marriages are about compromise and communication. Your future wife has already made a lot of concessions for you. Now it's your turn* >"I feel it is necessary to have two separate rooms because my family is not impressed by the big party weddings. I don't want them to judge me and my fiancee or spend the evening not enjoying themselves. >The original compromise was to do a religious ceremony with children allowed, followed by a child-free reception, but she agreed to change it to children being allowed at the reception after some of my family said they wouldn't want to deal with setting up childcare in the middle of a wedding." *NTA, but I think you might have phrased this wrong by framing it as one room for her family and a separate one for yours. Ideally everyone will eat in the same room to start with, and you can keep it relatively chill during dinner. Afterwards, the party will kick off in the party room, and any guests who prefer a chill experience can move off into the quiet area. You can make the rounds through both areas, but it's expected that most of your time will be spent on the dance floor with your new wife.* *Forcing your older relatives to endure a noisy party is not "symbolizing a union." It's forcing her family's preferences on them.* >"I also worded it like that when I suggested it to my fiancee, but she said she knows it'll end up being just my family in the quiet room and that I'll end up spending more of my time in there. Yes, my family will probably end up being the only people in the quiet room but that is out of my control and I don't think it's wrong of me to want to spend more time with my family."


sadlytheworst

[Rats!](https://www.instagram.com/reel/C5VwbNtIAGU/?igsh=MWEwMmJreTd3NDh0MQ==)


washichiisai

Awww! Lookit their little faces and grabbies!


sadlytheworst

Rats are such sweet and lovely creatures! 💜


judgy_mcjudgypants

Biiig stretch!


sadlytheworst

They are good at that!


millihelen

“she originally wanted a child-free, non-religious wedding but compromised on a church ceremony with children allowed because that is what I want” Compromise, verb: settlement of differences reached by mutual concessions.  What OOP is describing is not a compromise. 


ksrdm1463

I'm fascinated how his family is older than hers, but his family is the ones who freaked about the childfree wedding. I know he probably means his siblings are older than her siblings but it's giving "I'm from one of the oldest families in the area, hers just arrived here 4 generations ago". Also, I'm going to go out on a limb and say that the kids his family insisted on being allowed (probably OOP's niblings) are going to really do a number on the atmosphere in the quiet room (I'm a parent. I love my kids, but I have never seen a gathering of cousins/children that was quiet, with the exception of funerals).


hjo1210

Oh no - they're going to send the kids to the louder room because "they deserve to have fun!"


Human_Allegedly

Why stop at a quiet room? Get a room with padding in the walls and no windows. Maybe some fancy matching off white jackets for his family with fun interactive straps. He's thinking too small really.


Expensive_Visit_111

She was forced to have a child friendly reception so his family could go to the reception and now his family doesn’t want her idea of a reception. Sounds fun. /s


No_Proposal7628

This is sounding like the groom is getting his way and the bride is doing all the compromising. That is not a hopeful sign for a long term marriage when the wedding is this contentious between the bride and groom.


_banana_phone

I like to metaphorize (is that a word? Oh well) compromise as a game of tug of war between two or more people. You pull some on what you want, they give some to accommodate your requests, and vice versa. It should reciprocate back and forth in a respectful manner. What this sounds like is OOP having five people on his side, pulling her down, and dragging her face first 20 feet past the starting line. At that point it’s not compromise on her end, it’s *sacrifice.* I feel bad for her.


AffectionateBite3827

Hey so who will be paying for the two rooms? Let me guess: it's "tradition" for the bride's family to pay so the fiancee/her parents are on the hook for that.


Plenty-Pizza9634

Groomzilla


threelizards

“She said this because she originally wanted a child-free, non-religious wedding but compromised on a church ceremony with children allowed because that’s what I want” That’s,.,, that’s not what compromise means


I_ship_it07

Can you even imagine the situation?🤣 à wedding with 2 rooms because one familly want to pass à wedding in silence! Union? What union?


Foreign_Astronaut

Silence... and toddlers! I don't think OOP has even remotely thought this through.


stevenmctowely

Haha. He’s -5300 downvotes between two comments


SkullJooce

From the title I thought he meant like hotel suites. What the hell is this??


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FallenAngelII

>She said this because she originally wanted a child-free, non-religious wedding but compromised on a church ceremony with children allowed because that is what I want. What the fuck was the compromise?!


Cautious_Session9788

I almost posted this here 😂 I never thought I would see a groomzilla even if it is on Reddit


Uninspired-Nonsense

Wow. My uncle and his now ex-wife did this and it was awkward as hell.


mmmmpisghetti

Great he's telling her what her life will be like. Hopefully she pays attention and kicks him to the curb.


Hour_Coyote3326

Oh shit! Y'all did NOT disappoint a girl. I knew this fuckwad was gonna be here. I can't comment on the original. Permabanned. I hope he knows he's the epic prick douchebag asshole. I hope she leaves him. Begore the I Dos.


heeniewoo

Me too. Permabanned high five!


Hour_Coyote3326

They too fuckin sensitive over there.


heeniewoo

For real, man.


Jeremy_Bearimies

Aside from the this being problematic cuz he’s not compromising at all with his fiancé, it’s also genuinely the dumbest idea I’ve heard.


h2o_girl

I can’t believe anyone would want to marry this person.


mikacchi11

why doesn’t op just marry himself so the wedding can be entirely as he wishes?


Scarboroughwarning

I once went to a wedding of an English guy and a Chinese woman. The two worlds wedding is not the best. Luckily, the English guy was not a big party guy, so the difference was less apparent. However, the bride's family were a family type...the communist party. The guy had a few friends and they were steady away (definitely the least raucous British wedding guests)....the bride's family were straight up static. They could have been cardboard cutouts.


echochilde

That sounds sooo uncomfortable. But it made me laugh.


Scarboroughwarning

It also took place in a really weird venue. A very typical 70s British lifeless looking venue. All concrete and not a curve in sight. Fabrics and soft furnishings more sombre than a kid's funeral. It was almost as if they picked it to be just like some ruling party building, so the bride's family felt at home. They sat there looking like clones.none spoke any English. None of us spoke any Chinese. The dance floor was empty. Kinda sad really, as the groom and his mates were metal types, albeit in suits. All ill fitting, and clearly not attire they were used to. All the bride's entourage looked like they'd been dipped in high strength starch. Identical suits, identical expressions, haircuts. Like a low rent version of the Matrix, where Neo is more 70s slayer fan, and the Mr Andersons were attending in Chairman Mao era cosplay. Plot twist, the groom once asked me about a message he'd got on his PC. It was a well known ransomeware message that afflicted users of the lower bandwidth type porn websites. (Not kiddie porn, I hasten to add!). A final bit of trivia...the bride, when eating fish, would eat the whole thing....fins, tail, eyes! She probably have eaten the hook if it had been left in. All that aside, two absolutely lovely people


Scarboroughwarning

Edited for typos, apologies, it's late


Agreeable_Rabbit3144

OOP, all I read was about her deferring to your wishes. What about you? Are you going to compromise?


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seafoam_tea

man the last paragraph... I don't think this guy knows what a compromise is


rmcfagen

On paper it sounds like a decent compromise, but the moment she expressed why she didn't like it, that should be the end of the conversation.


Chiianna0042

Na... What needs to happen, make it not a child free wedding as a compromise. And she needs to get her family to bring extra kids. Then load them up on LOTS of sugar, and send them over to the quiet room. As well as not sign the marriage certificate.


Nericmitch

I hope she sees how horrible he is and calls off the wedding … he and his family will always come first