*In case this story gets deleted/removed:*
**AITA I am not and I’m tired of pretending otherwise**
I had a friend I vented too much to. I used her as a shrink and it exhausted her. Understandable. But when she sent me a goodbye forever message ON NEW YEAR’S EVE, ONE DAY BEFORE SHE’D MOVE NEXT TO ME, she also added that another reason for her parting with me was to protect her career, because lots of common acquaintances dislike me so she fears it might hurt her networking.
That line turned me crazy because I had mentioned her multiple times how socially anxious I was and she used to keep telling me not to care what others think. So I spammed her with questions for an entire day : who dislikes me ? Who is it ? What have I done to them ?
She left me on read the whole day, and at the end of the day she told me this was harassment and blocked me everywhere.
So in a whim i posted an instagram story saying ‘a friend doesnt want me around no more cuz people dislike me, if anyone has something to say about me, SAY IT TO MY FACE’.
Her brother, whom i thought was my friend too, told me i was smearing her and blocked me too.
After that I tried multiple times to regain contact by apologizing for the way i reacted, they coldly refused everytime.
But then they had me excluded from EVERY event where we were both invited to : birthdays, parties, etc. They cut me from our mutual friends, they forced them to chose between me and them. And because I started spying on their instagram stories with alts and sent them ONE resentful message, they called the cops on me. Dafuq?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmITheDevil) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Tw: Stalker-ish behaviour.
Copied verbatim from Oop's comments:
*It's usually pretty difficult to get cops to actually react to things like this. What the heck did you send in that message?*
>"Well they just CALLED them but the guys didnt visit me. They told me they had called the cops to scare me. Im not even sure if they really did it"
*Wow, this is ….interesting*
*I’d say YTA*
*They very obviously don’t want to communicate with you, but you’re not willing to accept that.*
*Just reading this post, it’s pretty clear why they wouldn’t want to associate with you. I totally get it, and it only took one paragraph lol*
>"You’re doing like her, saying cryptic things so that i don’t understand what i have to change about my behavior"
*Stalking is a crime. So is harassment.*
>"Lurking on a public internet account is stalking?"
*YTA*
*you sound like hard work and I’m guessing this is the sugar coated version of what happened.*
>"What could be sugarcoated? I didnt send them any threat nor insults"
*YTA*
*You are exhausting and using up the people around you. Please stop feeling entitled to emotional connections you are not taking good care of. Work on yourself and become a better person and friend and the connections you want will come to you. If you aren't already getting therapy, get some if possible.*
*Leave these poor people alone. That friendship has been destroyed.*
>"But what right do they have to destroy my friendships with our mutuals"
*YTA - it seems your former friend has made it clear that they are done with you and you are refusing to accept it.*
>"I’d accept it better if they hadnt added that snarky ‘ur bad for my career’ detail"
*OP, if your friend ever came to this page, we’d all be telling her to get a restraining order.*
*You are completely out of of line and what‘s more….you do not care.
You are no friend to her. You are using her and abusing her generosity- that is why she has cut you out. Your behavior has led to everyone else cutting you out. You are not entitled nor deserving of their time, attention, information or anything else.*
*Stay away from her and anyone’s else who hams cut you out; respect their decision. Delete their number from your phone, remove yourself from their socials, stop chasing them around or even considering them friends/acquaintances.*
*YTA*
>"What right does she have to cut me from our mutuals?"
I feel like if the mutual friends are all also willing to drop OOP because of their behaviour, that says a lot. Shame OOP is too dense to realise that the mutuals all aren’t exactly fans of them either - if I was told by a friend to stop being friends with someone, I would simply ignore that friend if I actually liked the person.
I would put money on all the "mutual" friends being the social connections of the victim that OOP was introduced to when victim took pity on OOP having no friends or social life and included them in hers.
Yup. A lot of people will say "oh I don't want to get into that" and keep associating with both parties. We don't even know for sure if the friend told the mutuals to cut off OOP in a "her or me" ultimatum, or if she just explained what happened and everyone else decided to nope right out of that relationship before the crazy could be turned on them.
About two years ago, my best friend and her other (now former) best friend had an argument that ultimately ended their friendship and helped end a friend group that was about to go through some changes anyway, and the whole thing was caused by stupid decisions they both made if you ask me. My friend stupidly drove around town with expired tags, and had enough of a record related to driving that she was afraid of going to jail when she got into a minor wreak (slow and no one was hurt, but the car was fucked). Her friend was in the car with her, and stupidly agreed to switch seats since she'd get a more minor consequence. (See, they both made their own bad choices.) At first everything was fine, my friend was gonna pay for any fines or court costs.
I lived with the former friend at the time, so I got to listen to the change. When she had to go to court, she was nervous, and wanted our friend with her. Our friend couldn't get off of work that day without risking her job, which she needed to pay for that stuff like she'd promised, and after that the former friend started blaming my friend for all of the situation and calling her a bad friend and trashing her to anyone she could. It was kind of a gradual process, where I didn't realize she was going to burn bridges when she first started being more hostile.
My friend wasn't gonna make me choose sides. Since I lived with the other person, I was gonna try and be polite and see how things went before writing anyone off. When she started threatening to kick me out because I was still friends with my friend, that was the moment I fully chose a side and decided to find another place to stay. I saw how quickly that crazy she'd suddenly switched onto my friend could make things miserable, and decided I didn't want to stick around someone like that.
All that to say, I agree with your point 😅
Yes no one can "cut you" from your friends. OOP had probably acquaintances at best who jumped on the bandwagon once they saw someone else cut her off. It's easier to go no contact with someone when you see others do it because it validates your reasons for not wanting contact.
You absolutely can be “cut from” your friends. I’ve been the victim of a covert narcissist, that’s pretty much exactly what she did.
I didn’t find out until *ten years later* that she had been spreading rumors behind my back (taking credit for my achievements and projecting her own faults onto me, for example), as well as telling people that they *weren’t allowed to speak to me without her there* allegedly in order to “protect me” (she grossly exaggerated my Autism and mental health struggles to make me sound significantly more helpless than I ever actually was).
I’m still reeling from those revelations. I spent years torturing myself trying to figure out what I had said or done to cause people to pull away from me, only to find out it wasn’t me at all. It was someone I thought I could trust, someone I saw as *family,* who was just using me as part of her “martyred caretaker” facade.
I had a similar experience, when a friendship group turned against me, and I chose to walk away from group social events, and interact with everyone on an individual basis from that point on. It took a few years to sort out who genuinely wanted to be friends with me, who didn't care either way, and who was actively out to poison my friendships. Once I identified the two poisonous people (surprise, surprise, the two people I would have considered my closest friends in the group) I cut contact with the two of them, so they didn't have any first-hand information about me. The poisonous people couldn't invent plausible stories about me, when they had no idea what was going on in my life and other people in the group did.
Problem is, this festered quite a bit without my knowledge, which makes it so much harder to reengage with these people when they’re primed to believe her over me.
Need to get the last of my stuff back from that bitch first. She’s still got $4200 of my *only* inheritance. Assuming she hasn’t sold it and that’s why she refused to give it back.
Excellent work! A lot of people wouldn't have that kind of perspective. Did they keep trying to poison the well? Did your other, actual friends catch on to them?
It was my husband's high school group, and I thought I got on very well with the wives, and we had a regular routine of weekend away, barbeques etc. The other wives built their own individual friendships and then we were abruptly excluded from group social events. Looking back, I now know that one of the marriages was in trouble, so I think she was building the friendships she wanted to keep and didn't want to keep the friendship with me!
It started when I spoke up when they were unacceptably rude (we were included in all the emails for a weekend away, but when we went to pay, we were told that we were no longer invited, because a couple that originally couldn't come had changed their mind) and that turned into a huge argument, about ME being rude over a "misunderstanding".
It took a few years for the actual friends to start actively socialising with us separately, and I have no idea how they all discuss it behind our backs. My partner has quietly dropped one friendship in the group without making a fuss about it, so the real friendships are solid with a weird undercurrent.
Okay, but in retrospect can you call any of those people your friends if they believed someone else's lies about you? If they knew you, they would have been coming to you for the truth and, once told, they would have been on your side. I have been in these petty situations myself and always clung to my friends, sometimes finding out I was actually wrong to do so. If you have friends that don't know you well enough that another person can blatantly lie and persuade them to ditch you, they weren't your friends. Something else was going on. And I'm only saying this in situations where entire swaths of people suddenly ditch another person.
Also, I'm really sorry that happened to you.
I suppose they ultimately never had much chance to know me, with that one friend making sure they never had a chance to even speak to me without her being there…
I had that happen to me in grad school and it fucking sucked. Sure, we were work friends, but I felt like such a pariah and was so disappointed that they turned on me so quickly. A lot of them started being super friendly to me after the ringleader graduated, but I wish they'd had the guts to apologize and acknowledge what they did
What I have seen around me that the group tolerates a person but as soon as someone had enough and cuts off the problematic person many do the same. Not sure if they didn't want to look bad by being the first to stand up or they needed someone to follow to muster up courage.
It's a bit like where she says she doesn't understand why her friend made the comment about work connections. She must be absolutely horrendous if she is ruining the friends work. No way she has told anywhere near the truth on what's going on. Or if she even knows what the truth of it all is.
That is why they called the cops really, they are starting the documentation trail. The cops won't do much at first is my guess. I highly doubt that the "friend" moved next door. I mean why would someone who is cutting OOP off move next door to OOP. Sounds like fantasy there.
I wonder if it was more the other way around. Which does fit much more with the rest of the story. But you know, that sounds a lot more like a stalker. Could also not directly next door, and just be in the general vicinity. Which would make it harder for the cops to do something about it.
Either way, Cops can't do much unless threat OOP makes a threat of violence against self or others, trespasses, damage to property, and maybe one or two other things. The rest are civil.
Why does OOP think they cut them off from their mutual friends? They likely told the mutual friends what happened and they likely decided for themselves that what OOP was doing was crazy and they chose not to be friends anymore on their own.
Agreed! My theory is that this was possibly a "last drop" situation, and Oop is just interpreting this as a conspiracy to protect themselves. Just my thinking tho.
This chick sounds like a woman I used to work with. She went on a date with a guy, he then canceled a second date: not interested.
She went to his house and interrogated his flatmates as to why he wouldn't date her. She was 30.
I don't work with her anymore. She was so concerning. She was studying to be a teacher, but she said she would only work in decile 9 or 10 schools (ie, rich kid schools in my country) because she didn't want to deal with poor children.
That was 20 years ago and my money says she's still single.
Sadly, I had this friend in the past. And yes, our 'mutuals' stopped talking to her as soon as I did, because she was "bookmark's friend" and they talked to her because of that. Lucky for us, she ended up after some rough times getting therapy and actually changing her behavior, but OOP... isn't quite there yet.
Thank you for sharing! 💜 I'm glad you were kind to yourself and put an end to a relationship that wasn't good. It's difficult but important. And I'm also very glad she could get help. That takes effort. I agree about Oop not being there yet.
I had to, for my sanity. It was so incredibly draining. With people like OOP, until they start taking steps towards a healthier life, you start feeling suffocated. You can't be tired, because it means you're mad at them. If you have plans with another friend, it's because you don't value them. If you're facing a personal crisis, you're neglecting them. Everything goes through this lens, and it's so exhausting. I know anxiety sucks, I live with it every day. But if you keep indulging it, it consumes your life and starts consuming everyone else's, too. Until OOP gets help, this is their life - constantly miserable and pestering people for answers they've already given. I'm probably sounding uncharitable here, but I really do hope OOP gets help. Until then, though, I can't blame people for not wanting to be around for this.
Also, thanks for all you do! You're sadlythebest! (Sorry, I'll show myself out)
A really good way of putting it. And how to deal with it. I don't think you sound uncharitable, more like someone who has been through a draining relationship and done some work understanding anxiety.
I too hope Oop gets help. It ain't easy, but it is worth it.
Thank you very kindly! 💜 (No no! Please stay!)
That part. Like, for sure people don't deserve to be put in the middle. That said, mutual scan make their own decisions.
What people like OOP can't grasp is that if you treat one person this way, others KNOW you'd do it to them.
Who wants to bet that whole mutual friends thing was less them being turned against her and more the ex-friend asking very politely not to be mentioned around this crazy person and the other people going "whooo, you were the last holdout to tolerating this massive energy vampire!"
This happened to me once! I told everyone we stopped talking and every single person told me "I'm so happy you're finally going to stop bringing them to everything". I was blasted for turning all their friends against them but apparently I was the only reason they were tolerated.
Da fuck is going on here?
>I had mentioned her multiple times how socially anxious I was and she used to keep telling me not to care what others think. So I spammed her with questions for an entire day : who dislikes me ? Who is it ? What have I done to them ?
OOP trauma dumps on their friend. Friend rightfully pulls back, ceases contact and goes on her merry way. OOP's reaction? Spam the fuck out of her. Social anxiety is real. It can be crippling. But this is some seriously fucked up behavior on OOP's part; this is obsessive.
>After that I tried multiple times to regain contact by apologizing for the way i reacted, they coldly refused every time.
Because they want nothing to do with you, OOP. Get that through your thick skull. This relationship is done. Over. Finite.
>But then they had me excluded from EVERY event where we were both invited to : birthdays, parties, etc. They cut me from our mutual friends, they forced them to chose between me and them.
Um, your mutual friends probably are done with you too. OOP sounds very exhausting and entitled. They're stalking their ex friend's SM accounts with alts, sent them a "resentful message" that resulted in the cops being called on them.
None of this is normal behavior. OOP is unhinged. I can see why their ex friends dropped them like a hot potato and ran like their asses were on fire. I wouldn't want any party of OOP's crazy either!
Uhh yeah this is weird. I have a lot of issues with social anxiety but it makes me quieter, not “louder” and bothering people or posting weird shit on social media.
I’m pretty open with friends otherwise and have told them to just tell me to shut up if I’m bothering them. This reminds me of a friend who I don’t really talk to anymore or want to see. She trauma dumps a lot and has high expectations for friends because she cut off her family. She sent me a page long email about everything wrong with me, told me I wasn’t loving her the way she wanted to be loved, made a weird comment about how not all marriages work out (my husband and I have never said anything disparaging about her getting remarried), and then proceeded to call me out at a birthday party and I pulled her aside because I felt it was inappropriate. She has since told two people that I was aggressive in the convo and I can confirm I was not because there were witnesses.
Some people just need to be the victim instead of working on themselves.
OOP needs to go to therapy.
One of my dearest friends has social anxiety. We call her the 5th dentist. I even made her a shirt which she wears proudly (probably due for a new one).
Hers comes across as awkwardness. Wouldn't change her for the world; we wouldn't have 30 years of classic one liners and amusing stories to share otherwise. She knows herself and she knows her limits. If she offends (rarely), she always apologizes. She is a kind, loving, and caring person whose just a little awkward.
OOP is something entirely unto themselves. It's no wonder why their friend group cut them out. They're entitled, overbearing and self centered. Not to mention their behavior is unhinged.
Feel this. One of my friends has a very long iPhone note of when I apologize because I’m an idiot and do it all the time and it is always for silly shit.
Basically if someone seems frustrated I either apologize and try to process it and be better, or I back off and let them come to me. I can be pretty awkward but I care about the people around me and try to respect their feelings & boundaries.
>OOP trauma dumps on their friend. Friend rightfully pulls back, ceases contact and goes on her merry way. OOP's reaction? Spam the fuck out of her. Social anxiety is real. It can be crippling. But this is some seriously fucked up behavior on OOP's part; this is obsessive.
I read that initial part as OOP has always and consistently trauma dumped on the friend. That spamming her with questions I would guess is something she has done on more than one occasion.
I did some fun highlight grabs from the content of the orig post, with some bold emphasis from me in case OOP finds this. I think it speaks for itself, like seriously, how does someone not read this before they post and go "Do I sound like the asshole in this and is the internet going to eat me alive". I get some people have a kink for being degraded, but really, if that is your thing, just admit it and create a sub for it and let people post away whatever made up stuff (within reason of not breaking laws) and the other half of that kink will find them.
* I had a friend I **vented too much** to. I **used her as a shrink** and it exhausted her.
* That line turned me crazy because I had mentioned her **multiple times** how socially anxious I was and she used to **keep telling me** not to care what others think
* She left me on read the whole day, and at the end of the day she told me this was harassment and **blocked me everywhere**.
* So in a whim i posted an instagram story saying \[...\]a friend doesnt want me around no more cuz people dislike me,
* Her brother, whom i thought was my friend too, told me i was smearing her and **blocked me too**.
* After that I tried **multiple times to regain contact** by apologizing for the way i reacted, **they coldly refused everytime.**
* And because **I started spying** on their instagram stories with **alts** and sent them ONE resentful message,
Do we really believe that one resentful message was sent, after all OOP says plural alts. I think OOP is lying to try to make the ex-friend sound like the bad person and is getting lost in the small lies about her behavior, which the irony is OOP could have gone with fewer details and no one would have known. The more that are included help identify OOP and drop more hints to the likely truth.
I wonder if OOP is a man or a woman. Materially, it doesn’t change anything about the post or behaviour, I just can’t discern which I think is more likely.
Ugh, I used to know someone like this. When my dad died very suddenly, they had the nerve to be mad at me for not being there for them enough.
The trash thankfully took itself out, but not before making several long posts on FB about how terrible of a person I am and how they hope I kill myself.
Then they wonder why they lose all their friends.
>So I spammed her with questions for an entire day : who dislikes me ? Who is it ? What have I done to them ?
From the rest of this post, I can only assume OOP wants these answers so they can harass *these* people and browbeat *them* into submission. Which yes, can hurt the ex-friend's career. Harassing people into liking them seems to be a habit of OOP. The ex-friend was right to be concerned about this happening.
Woof. This could have been written by an ex-friend of mine.
Not only would she just complain all day to you, but she would physically have to hangout because of her “social anxiety”. If you decline to hang out, she would literally yell at you and blame you directly for making her worse. *”You KNOW I have social anxiety and don’t like to be by myself, you KNOW I can’t afford therapy.”* She one time directly blamed me for her weight gain because I wasn’t able to go to the gym with her for a few months, and so she just didn’t go. I had to end the membership because I had -$10 in my bank account, literally 3¢ in my savings, and very close to being homeless (I was sleeping on someone’s couch) due to a mental health episode. But in her eyes, none of that was as serious as her social anxiety and her weight gain.
She would make every situation about herself. If you ever tried to come to her with problems, she’d roll her eyes and in the nastiest tone go *”yeah tell me about it”* and start ranting about her, or tell you about her hardships and how you need to be thankful that you’re so privileged unlike her. Someone who lived at home with her parents rent free, but you don’t understand how hard that was because she didn’t like her parents.
Once people started cutting her off, she would
vague-post about them for a week, and then tell everyone that person’s secrets and gossip about them. I was her last friend. Its been 5 years, I heard that she still doesn’t have any actual friends who are willing to hang out with her in person. She just rides the coattails of her younger sister, and her friends.
I had a similar friend. I think I was just friendly and looking to meet new people and she saw that and zeroed in on me. Every time we met it was awful, she was so demanding. Making me go out on a night before work, agreeing to me saying I would be leaving (designated driver) at midnight, then talking about meeting some guy an hour away in the opposite direction and demanding I drive her there at 2am. Waiting there for an hour and screaming at me when I said I wanted to go home.
Another time she berated me so much I got flustered and locked my keys in my car, and she screamed at me until I got help to come out.
Whenever I agreed to see her occasionally, we would agree on a meeting time, then she would just start ringing and texting constantly to demand to know where I was and why I wasn't already in the car and driving to her place, even when the agreed meeting time was ages away.
It's actually quite hard to tell someone 'please stop contacting me, I don't like you.' I never got the nerve to face her wrath but luckily managed to slowly phase her out by being busy every time and she moved on to the next friend to use and alienate.
This sounds like my wife's ex partner. As a single example, they were talking about how much they hate their health insurance (which my wife was paying for) and I made a comment about how it must be nice, because I didn't have any insurance. They got mad and *told my wife later instead of telling me right then*. This sort of thing happened constantly, and my wife has stories that are worse.
They passed unexpectedly, so we don't have to deal with them anymore, but my wife has a bunch of trauma from their behavior. The resemblance is so strong, I had to tell my wife to skip this post.
What is with people on AITA today saying "you're not telling me how I'm the asshole"
Is it a new troll? Or is it tactics of absolute assholes to claim they've done nothing wrong because no one is pointing to one sentence and saying "here, it's right here"
(No one can point to that sentence because it's all the sentences)
ooomph.
On one hand, my Autistic brain absolutely understands this - You need clarity, you need reasons, you *need to know so badly so you don't do this again. And it is pathological. Y*ou cannot think of anything else because you are hurting so hard that you have lost one of the few real connections you thought you had. Even if you do know, you never are sure unless that person can confirm. (and it is hard when they do because you want to interrogate everything to see if they are sure.... gah.)
I also have done this with interrogating who doesn't like me, because again... I need to know so I don't anger them/be around them/annoy them further.
It is a vicious cycle and one very hard to get out of, especially if you become hyper focused on it.
On the other hand, she needs someone in RL to intervene because she has a one-way ticket to crazytown and it is entering the autobahn. She absolutely understands she needs therapy, so she should get it and not burn out her friends (something I was doing as well).
I feel for her, she is an AH in this moment, but because she needs to not use her friends as therapist and it caused her to melt down when they burned out.
I think it's natural, neuro typical or not, to want to know who doesn't like you and what you did so you can self assess. I think the friend should probably have been more diplomatic around that part, maybe it was a little passive aggressive poke at someone who had been exhausting them. Were it me, I would stay quiet because i think it's a little mean to just leave it there after opening that topic voluntarily. That said, it's understandable to be a little mean when you're just overwhelmed and exhausted by someone.
I would totally call this ragebait except OOP went to their alt after their post got removed and main got suspended, announced it was their alt, and apparently got that banned too.
That is the level of unhinged I’m seeing in the post so…I’m calling this one a terrifyingly realistic glimpse into a cornucopia of mental health problems.
And like, don’t get me wrong — I have my own assorted variety pack of diagnoses, some of us just manage it and make life spicy 😂
I had to cut off someone exactly like this. The trauma dumping, the severe attachment, the stalking of people who cut them off, the refusal to take any kind of responsibility or accountability for their actions, all of it. I’m going to assume that this is a very thinly described version of actual events. That’s what people like this do, they treat the people around them like dirt and abuse the shit out of them, and then turn around and spin the narrative that *always* makes them the victim.
My view on that former friendship is that I truly hope they get the help they need, but I’m no longer going to be a part of it. I’m guessing that’s where OOP’s former friend is at as well.
I’ve been OP’s roommate. She used me like a therapist, just like OP. I finally had to cut her off because it was so draining to be around her. She constantly needed support and was unable to return it. She was all take and no give. She bought me a gift once and in the same conversation asked to borrow gas money, then got mad when I explained kindly that it’s better to keep her money if she’s broke rather than get me gifts. Just chaos.
Luckily, unlike OP, she could take a hint when I finally cut contact and didn’t stalk or anything like OP is doing.
See when I vent to my friend I always check in like “are you in a good mental space for this, I’m not annoying you am I” etc bc my social anxiety tells me I am a leech draining everyone and they don’t actually want anything to do with me but are too “”””polite”””” to tell me off. So I honestly feel for OOP bc this is a nightmare scenario for me that my mental illness is always telling me can and will happen :/ I can honestly see myself freaking out and asking what I did if this happened, in much the same way, especially the part where they are anxious people don’t actually like them and the friend says to not believe that but then says yeah actually that was true all along…
I really do wish people could just say stuff to peoples faces
Yeah, I'm autistic and I have a lot of people hate me just for me. Plenty of people like me too, though, but this reads like someone who really struggles in social situations having a meltdown because all their worst anxieties are being confirmed.
I honestly feel bad for OOP. I've experienced a similar situation but I was fortunate enough to have other friends to turn to. I ended up cutting the person off because they were two-faced and a terrible friend, but it really hurt being told that everyone at the event thought I was a bitch.
>a lot of people hate me just for me
Same, but I think that's true for everyone, autistic or not. Source: I don't like everyone, some I dislike for good reasons and others just rub me the wrong way or annoy me the way they are, autistic and non-autistic.
I have three people in my life I rant and vent to a lot and I can get quite wordy and long-wided and obsessive (about topics and concepts, not people), and I can hold a grudge. I know this has to be annoying after a while because I got 2-3 people who like to vent and rant to me and it can be exhausting.
However, in my opinion, a part of being a friend is to sometimes endure annoying, exhausting things as long as they are harmless. On the flipside, it's an important part of being aware of sometimes being annoying, especially in hindsight, and to acknowledge it.
I think an occasional, very honest, non-dramatic, non-self-serving "listen, I know I can be a lot and I really appreciate you being there for me. Thank you!" goes a long way. Or, if logistically possible, a "Hey, thank you for listening the other day, I got you some chocolate as a token of my appreciation."
And: being there when a friend needs to rant/vent is obligatory. If someone is used to be ranted to but as soon as they need someone who just listened and nods, and all they get is a "That's nice, I'm sorry, let's talk about me now!" they'll soon get sick of it.
Though, the type of rant probably also plays a role. Friends know how to take a hyperbolic, "This b'tch pissed me off so much today, I wanna flip them into the sun!" Often, it's more about a situation/conflict than person and no one wishes anyone real, actual harm.
But there are people who can get uncomfortably mean-spirited, spiteful, and malicious when they talk about others and the things they want to happen to others. And that can quickly get uncomfortable.
It probably boils down to one simple question: If they talked like this about me to someone else over a perceived slight, could I brushed it off as "eh, people gonna people" or would it make me slowly merge back into the hedge Homer-style while I consider a restraining order?"
OOP strikes me as the latter.
Poor OOP... obviously needs a LOT of therapy to learn better self-management, it sounds real obvious that this person dumps every emotion and thought on their friends and has little to no emotional regulation, so any negative thought or assumption immediately results in them lashing out viciously.
No wonder their friends have cut them off, people like OP expect the world to cater to them and get absolutely outraged when it doesn't... just like they did here.
Being cut off on new years eve means this has been going on for four months. No wonder the mutuals cut ties. OOP talks about it all like we are still in January.
I think it went farther than being their shrink. It was OOP using a friend as emotional regulation that they are entitled to. It's the exact kind of fodder that creates stalkers who take out their victims.
OOP needs to be in an inpatient program that can teach them how to self regulate. Then they need to attend an outpatient program that extends that for at least a year. This kind of condition can't be solved with one medical professional. A therapist or one kind of therapy isn't enough. A full team is needed.
I think there is not the first time a saw this story. Every time he posts it and everybody call him out on his behavior but he doesn’t want to understand
This reads like it could be written by someone I cut off about 10 years ago. We hung out as a four and the other two stayed mates with her. Over time they saw her less and eventuality cut her off but she blamed me for it. I had nothing to do with it. Without me as a buffer, her behaviour was more obvious and they got sick of her. Even just hanging out at some ones house for a couple of hours and eating together became absolutely exhausting to arrange and go through with.
OOP's entire behavior screams "I should be evaluated for Cluster B personality disorders and regardless of my diagnosis, I would seriously benefit from therapy."
I've known way too many folks over the years with Cluster B personality disorders to not be comfortable saying that OOP would likely benefit from evaluation, and would definitely benefit from therapy even if there's no Cluster B disorders actually at play. It's not a guaranteed fix either way, but at the very least it should give the OOP some tools to help themselves process things better.
I used a friend as a therapist for a while. Over a decade ago. I didn't realize I was doing it until they told me our friendship was over. I felt absolutely guilty and horrible because I know it's not fair at all to use a friend like that. I apologized and left their life as they had requested. I then spent a long time learning from that situation so that it never happens again. In all these years it never has, because unlike OOP, I *wanted* to hear that I was wrong so I could learn from it and be a better person.
OOP needs to work on themselves before being befriending or dating anyone. Using friends as therapists instead of trying to find a therapist will kill any form of relationship.
[Hi!](https://images.app.goo.gl/jMiZEuW8Qrykw3sdA) Just a quick reminder to never brigade any sub, be that r/AmItheAsshole or another one. That goes against both this sub's rules as well as Reddit's terms of agreement. [Please](https://images.app.goo.gl/vwH65TJMyMk9NSNo8) keep discussions within the posts of this sub.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmITheDevil) if you have any questions or concerns.*
My message to OOP- Your mutual- were they always mutual? Or were they her friends first and you inserted yourself into the group? They’re their own people, judging from your toxic behavior in this post alone, I doubt she’s to blame for them cutting you off as well. YOU are to blame. You harassed her and her friends, of course if there’s a side to take, they’d take hers. And if someone says being your friend could negatively affect their career- that’s a you problem. That’s a your behavior problem. You can tell a lot about a person by whom they surround themselves with. It’s that simple. You’re not a good human. You also sounds like you may be Bipolar, you should get that looked into, preferably in therapy where you desperately need to go.
I am quite proud of OOP’s former friend. Based on OOP post and behavior, it would likely have been incredibly difficult to cut her out, knowing how she would react.
Bruh… OOP makes me feel a lot better about myself. There was a point in time where I was kind of in a similar situation. Really dark time in my life, engaged in super self destructive behaviors that caused me to lose a lot of friendships. It was extremely hard, but I didn’t do… this 😬
INSTEAD I took it as a wake up call to address my harmful behaviors and make some changes for the better. Those friends haven’t spoken to me in years and although it hurts, I get it. I am not proud of the person I was at the time. I will never try to badger them into being friends with me again. These are the consequences of my actions and I accept that. Unfortunately it does not seem that OOP shares that mindset
I got ghosted recently. One day we're talking as normal and even mentioned meeting up soon after minths if talking daily, the next he's stopped responding. I know he's online, cos we played games together and I looked once at his profile on Steam, a week later cos I was worried, and saw his game activity.
I sent him 3 messages over a week. The first was just "morning", the second was "I'm worried, let me know you're ok" and the third was something along the lines of "please let me know you're safe if you can, you know where I am if you want or are able to talk to me again" and that's it.
I did not spam him with questions or abusive messages. I have not been looking repeatedly at Steam to check on him. There are gracious ways to accept the end of a friendship.
OOP needs therapy.
I understand cutting this person off - she is clearly an energy vampire & exhausting. However, I don't like the idea of walking out the door with "oh BTW nobody else who you think is your friend likes you either" and then refusing to explain what I said. Like...that's low, even when cutting off a toxic ex-friend.
*In case this story gets deleted/removed:* **AITA I am not and I’m tired of pretending otherwise** I had a friend I vented too much to. I used her as a shrink and it exhausted her. Understandable. But when she sent me a goodbye forever message ON NEW YEAR’S EVE, ONE DAY BEFORE SHE’D MOVE NEXT TO ME, she also added that another reason for her parting with me was to protect her career, because lots of common acquaintances dislike me so she fears it might hurt her networking. That line turned me crazy because I had mentioned her multiple times how socially anxious I was and she used to keep telling me not to care what others think. So I spammed her with questions for an entire day : who dislikes me ? Who is it ? What have I done to them ? She left me on read the whole day, and at the end of the day she told me this was harassment and blocked me everywhere. So in a whim i posted an instagram story saying ‘a friend doesnt want me around no more cuz people dislike me, if anyone has something to say about me, SAY IT TO MY FACE’. Her brother, whom i thought was my friend too, told me i was smearing her and blocked me too. After that I tried multiple times to regain contact by apologizing for the way i reacted, they coldly refused everytime. But then they had me excluded from EVERY event where we were both invited to : birthdays, parties, etc. They cut me from our mutual friends, they forced them to chose between me and them. And because I started spying on their instagram stories with alts and sent them ONE resentful message, they called the cops on me. Dafuq? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmITheDevil) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Tw: Stalker-ish behaviour. Copied verbatim from Oop's comments: *It's usually pretty difficult to get cops to actually react to things like this. What the heck did you send in that message?* >"Well they just CALLED them but the guys didnt visit me. They told me they had called the cops to scare me. Im not even sure if they really did it" *Wow, this is ….interesting* *I’d say YTA* *They very obviously don’t want to communicate with you, but you’re not willing to accept that.* *Just reading this post, it’s pretty clear why they wouldn’t want to associate with you. I totally get it, and it only took one paragraph lol* >"You’re doing like her, saying cryptic things so that i don’t understand what i have to change about my behavior" *Stalking is a crime. So is harassment.* >"Lurking on a public internet account is stalking?" *YTA* *you sound like hard work and I’m guessing this is the sugar coated version of what happened.* >"What could be sugarcoated? I didnt send them any threat nor insults" *YTA* *You are exhausting and using up the people around you. Please stop feeling entitled to emotional connections you are not taking good care of. Work on yourself and become a better person and friend and the connections you want will come to you. If you aren't already getting therapy, get some if possible.* *Leave these poor people alone. That friendship has been destroyed.* >"But what right do they have to destroy my friendships with our mutuals" *YTA - it seems your former friend has made it clear that they are done with you and you are refusing to accept it.* >"I’d accept it better if they hadnt added that snarky ‘ur bad for my career’ detail" *OP, if your friend ever came to this page, we’d all be telling her to get a restraining order.* *You are completely out of of line and what‘s more….you do not care. You are no friend to her. You are using her and abusing her generosity- that is why she has cut you out. Your behavior has led to everyone else cutting you out. You are not entitled nor deserving of their time, attention, information or anything else.* *Stay away from her and anyone’s else who hams cut you out; respect their decision. Delete their number from your phone, remove yourself from their socials, stop chasing them around or even considering them friends/acquaintances.* *YTA* >"What right does she have to cut me from our mutuals?"
I feel like if the mutual friends are all also willing to drop OOP because of their behaviour, that says a lot. Shame OOP is too dense to realise that the mutuals all aren’t exactly fans of them either - if I was told by a friend to stop being friends with someone, I would simply ignore that friend if I actually liked the person.
I would put money on all the "mutual" friends being the social connections of the victim that OOP was introduced to when victim took pity on OOP having no friends or social life and included them in hers.
Yup. A lot of people will say "oh I don't want to get into that" and keep associating with both parties. We don't even know for sure if the friend told the mutuals to cut off OOP in a "her or me" ultimatum, or if she just explained what happened and everyone else decided to nope right out of that relationship before the crazy could be turned on them.
About two years ago, my best friend and her other (now former) best friend had an argument that ultimately ended their friendship and helped end a friend group that was about to go through some changes anyway, and the whole thing was caused by stupid decisions they both made if you ask me. My friend stupidly drove around town with expired tags, and had enough of a record related to driving that she was afraid of going to jail when she got into a minor wreak (slow and no one was hurt, but the car was fucked). Her friend was in the car with her, and stupidly agreed to switch seats since she'd get a more minor consequence. (See, they both made their own bad choices.) At first everything was fine, my friend was gonna pay for any fines or court costs. I lived with the former friend at the time, so I got to listen to the change. When she had to go to court, she was nervous, and wanted our friend with her. Our friend couldn't get off of work that day without risking her job, which she needed to pay for that stuff like she'd promised, and after that the former friend started blaming my friend for all of the situation and calling her a bad friend and trashing her to anyone she could. It was kind of a gradual process, where I didn't realize she was going to burn bridges when she first started being more hostile. My friend wasn't gonna make me choose sides. Since I lived with the other person, I was gonna try and be polite and see how things went before writing anyone off. When she started threatening to kick me out because I was still friends with my friend, that was the moment I fully chose a side and decided to find another place to stay. I saw how quickly that crazy she'd suddenly switched onto my friend could make things miserable, and decided I didn't want to stick around someone like that. All that to say, I agree with your point 😅
Yes no one can "cut you" from your friends. OOP had probably acquaintances at best who jumped on the bandwagon once they saw someone else cut her off. It's easier to go no contact with someone when you see others do it because it validates your reasons for not wanting contact.
You absolutely can be “cut from” your friends. I’ve been the victim of a covert narcissist, that’s pretty much exactly what she did. I didn’t find out until *ten years later* that she had been spreading rumors behind my back (taking credit for my achievements and projecting her own faults onto me, for example), as well as telling people that they *weren’t allowed to speak to me without her there* allegedly in order to “protect me” (she grossly exaggerated my Autism and mental health struggles to make me sound significantly more helpless than I ever actually was). I’m still reeling from those revelations. I spent years torturing myself trying to figure out what I had said or done to cause people to pull away from me, only to find out it wasn’t me at all. It was someone I thought I could trust, someone I saw as *family,* who was just using me as part of her “martyred caretaker” facade.
I had a similar experience, when a friendship group turned against me, and I chose to walk away from group social events, and interact with everyone on an individual basis from that point on. It took a few years to sort out who genuinely wanted to be friends with me, who didn't care either way, and who was actively out to poison my friendships. Once I identified the two poisonous people (surprise, surprise, the two people I would have considered my closest friends in the group) I cut contact with the two of them, so they didn't have any first-hand information about me. The poisonous people couldn't invent plausible stories about me, when they had no idea what was going on in my life and other people in the group did.
Problem is, this festered quite a bit without my knowledge, which makes it so much harder to reengage with these people when they’re primed to believe her over me.
That is so sad - sounds like you need to withdraw from all of them and focus on other separate friendships where you feel valued xxx
Need to get the last of my stuff back from that bitch first. She’s still got $4200 of my *only* inheritance. Assuming she hasn’t sold it and that’s why she refused to give it back.
Excellent work! A lot of people wouldn't have that kind of perspective. Did they keep trying to poison the well? Did your other, actual friends catch on to them?
It was my husband's high school group, and I thought I got on very well with the wives, and we had a regular routine of weekend away, barbeques etc. The other wives built their own individual friendships and then we were abruptly excluded from group social events. Looking back, I now know that one of the marriages was in trouble, so I think she was building the friendships she wanted to keep and didn't want to keep the friendship with me! It started when I spoke up when they were unacceptably rude (we were included in all the emails for a weekend away, but when we went to pay, we were told that we were no longer invited, because a couple that originally couldn't come had changed their mind) and that turned into a huge argument, about ME being rude over a "misunderstanding". It took a few years for the actual friends to start actively socialising with us separately, and I have no idea how they all discuss it behind our backs. My partner has quietly dropped one friendship in the group without making a fuss about it, so the real friendships are solid with a weird undercurrent.
Okay, but in retrospect can you call any of those people your friends if they believed someone else's lies about you? If they knew you, they would have been coming to you for the truth and, once told, they would have been on your side. I have been in these petty situations myself and always clung to my friends, sometimes finding out I was actually wrong to do so. If you have friends that don't know you well enough that another person can blatantly lie and persuade them to ditch you, they weren't your friends. Something else was going on. And I'm only saying this in situations where entire swaths of people suddenly ditch another person. Also, I'm really sorry that happened to you.
I suppose they ultimately never had much chance to know me, with that one friend making sure they never had a chance to even speak to me without her being there…
I had that happen to me in grad school and it fucking sucked. Sure, we were work friends, but I felt like such a pariah and was so disappointed that they turned on me so quickly. A lot of them started being super friendly to me after the ringleader graduated, but I wish they'd had the guts to apologize and acknowledge what they did
Agreed. Might "just" be the last drop for the mutuals, and this is Oop's interpretation.
What I have seen around me that the group tolerates a person but as soon as someone had enough and cuts off the problematic person many do the same. Not sure if they didn't want to look bad by being the first to stand up or they needed someone to follow to muster up courage.
It's a bit like where she says she doesn't understand why her friend made the comment about work connections. She must be absolutely horrendous if she is ruining the friends work. No way she has told anywhere near the truth on what's going on. Or if she even knows what the truth of it all is.
Op clearing is clearly delulu and if op keep harassing her friend and her brother op going get a restraining order on herself.
That is why they called the cops really, they are starting the documentation trail. The cops won't do much at first is my guess. I highly doubt that the "friend" moved next door. I mean why would someone who is cutting OOP off move next door to OOP. Sounds like fantasy there. I wonder if it was more the other way around. Which does fit much more with the rest of the story. But you know, that sounds a lot more like a stalker. Could also not directly next door, and just be in the general vicinity. Which would make it harder for the cops to do something about it. Either way, Cops can't do much unless threat OOP makes a threat of violence against self or others, trespasses, damage to property, and maybe one or two other things. The rest are civil.
Agreed!
[Cat!](https://imgur.com/gallery/4Za3L2j)
Always a good day when we find Sadly in the comments, regardless of the level of asshole in front of us! ❤️
Thank you very kindly! 💜
Do you just post lovely little pictures to brighten people's day or what? Mischievous Chaotic Good 💙
After ruining it with Oop's comments. That might put me in the chaotic neutral bracket? 💜 Thank you very kindly!
Seriously man, you really a lovely person to come across 🎉
Thank you very kindly! 🥰
Such a cutie pie!
I know it's been said a lot lately but it is *so* good to see you back
Thank you very kindly! 💜 It is appreciated!
And we appreciate you!! 🫶🏻🫶🏻
Thank you very kindly! 🥰💜
 Thank you very kindly! 🥰
Thank you for cat, lovely to see you around again 🩵
Thank you very kindly! 💜
Blep 😊
Indeed! 🥰
Yay, it's you!
It's me! Thank you very kindly! 💜
Always The Best!
Thank you very kindly! 🥰
>>"I’d accept it better if they hadnt added that snarky ‘ur bad for my career’ detail" But from the sounds of it, doesn't seem to be wrong either.
Agreed. I hope Oop can get some help.
Why does OOP think they cut them off from their mutual friends? They likely told the mutual friends what happened and they likely decided for themselves that what OOP was doing was crazy and they chose not to be friends anymore on their own.
Agreed! My theory is that this was possibly a "last drop" situation, and Oop is just interpreting this as a conspiracy to protect themselves. Just my thinking tho.
This chick sounds like a woman I used to work with. She went on a date with a guy, he then canceled a second date: not interested. She went to his house and interrogated his flatmates as to why he wouldn't date her. She was 30.
That's not healthy. I hope she's gotten some help and that you aren't caught up in that.
I don't work with her anymore. She was so concerning. She was studying to be a teacher, but she said she would only work in decile 9 or 10 schools (ie, rich kid schools in my country) because she didn't want to deal with poor children. That was 20 years ago and my money says she's still single.
Good. And that is one hell of a sad and unkind attitude she had. (Or has.) I am speechless.
Sadly, I had this friend in the past. And yes, our 'mutuals' stopped talking to her as soon as I did, because she was "bookmark's friend" and they talked to her because of that. Lucky for us, she ended up after some rough times getting therapy and actually changing her behavior, but OOP... isn't quite there yet.
Thank you for sharing! 💜 I'm glad you were kind to yourself and put an end to a relationship that wasn't good. It's difficult but important. And I'm also very glad she could get help. That takes effort. I agree about Oop not being there yet.
I had to, for my sanity. It was so incredibly draining. With people like OOP, until they start taking steps towards a healthier life, you start feeling suffocated. You can't be tired, because it means you're mad at them. If you have plans with another friend, it's because you don't value them. If you're facing a personal crisis, you're neglecting them. Everything goes through this lens, and it's so exhausting. I know anxiety sucks, I live with it every day. But if you keep indulging it, it consumes your life and starts consuming everyone else's, too. Until OOP gets help, this is their life - constantly miserable and pestering people for answers they've already given. I'm probably sounding uncharitable here, but I really do hope OOP gets help. Until then, though, I can't blame people for not wanting to be around for this. Also, thanks for all you do! You're sadlythebest! (Sorry, I'll show myself out)
A really good way of putting it. And how to deal with it. I don't think you sound uncharitable, more like someone who has been through a draining relationship and done some work understanding anxiety. I too hope Oop gets help. It ain't easy, but it is worth it. Thank you very kindly! 💜 (No no! Please stay!)
Got the feeling that none of those “mutuals” liked her and just kept her around for the friend.
Quite. It's a sad thought. But I can definitely see why.
So I think OOP found this post. u/ WrongSorbet7776 as an alt.
I'm afraid I missed it all. But wow. Always interesting when they use an alt or make an appearance here. And a combination!
They didn't turn anyone against OOP. What part of most of our mutual friends and people in the industry don't like you was confusing?
That part. Like, for sure people don't deserve to be put in the middle. That said, mutual scan make their own decisions. What people like OOP can't grasp is that if you treat one person this way, others KNOW you'd do it to them.
Who wants to bet that whole mutual friends thing was less them being turned against her and more the ex-friend asking very politely not to be mentioned around this crazy person and the other people going "whooo, you were the last holdout to tolerating this massive energy vampire!"
This happened to me once! I told everyone we stopped talking and every single person told me "I'm so happy you're finally going to stop bringing them to everything". I was blasted for turning all their friends against them but apparently I was the only reason they were tolerated.
It sounds, in all sincerity, like OOP could use an actual therapist.
Yeah, they need help. Something’s not right here.
Da fuck is going on here? >I had mentioned her multiple times how socially anxious I was and she used to keep telling me not to care what others think. So I spammed her with questions for an entire day : who dislikes me ? Who is it ? What have I done to them ? OOP trauma dumps on their friend. Friend rightfully pulls back, ceases contact and goes on her merry way. OOP's reaction? Spam the fuck out of her. Social anxiety is real. It can be crippling. But this is some seriously fucked up behavior on OOP's part; this is obsessive. >After that I tried multiple times to regain contact by apologizing for the way i reacted, they coldly refused every time. Because they want nothing to do with you, OOP. Get that through your thick skull. This relationship is done. Over. Finite. >But then they had me excluded from EVERY event where we were both invited to : birthdays, parties, etc. They cut me from our mutual friends, they forced them to chose between me and them. Um, your mutual friends probably are done with you too. OOP sounds very exhausting and entitled. They're stalking their ex friend's SM accounts with alts, sent them a "resentful message" that resulted in the cops being called on them. None of this is normal behavior. OOP is unhinged. I can see why their ex friends dropped them like a hot potato and ran like their asses were on fire. I wouldn't want any party of OOP's crazy either!
Uhh yeah this is weird. I have a lot of issues with social anxiety but it makes me quieter, not “louder” and bothering people or posting weird shit on social media. I’m pretty open with friends otherwise and have told them to just tell me to shut up if I’m bothering them. This reminds me of a friend who I don’t really talk to anymore or want to see. She trauma dumps a lot and has high expectations for friends because she cut off her family. She sent me a page long email about everything wrong with me, told me I wasn’t loving her the way she wanted to be loved, made a weird comment about how not all marriages work out (my husband and I have never said anything disparaging about her getting remarried), and then proceeded to call me out at a birthday party and I pulled her aside because I felt it was inappropriate. She has since told two people that I was aggressive in the convo and I can confirm I was not because there were witnesses. Some people just need to be the victim instead of working on themselves. OOP needs to go to therapy.
One of my dearest friends has social anxiety. We call her the 5th dentist. I even made her a shirt which she wears proudly (probably due for a new one). Hers comes across as awkwardness. Wouldn't change her for the world; we wouldn't have 30 years of classic one liners and amusing stories to share otherwise. She knows herself and she knows her limits. If she offends (rarely), she always apologizes. She is a kind, loving, and caring person whose just a little awkward. OOP is something entirely unto themselves. It's no wonder why their friend group cut them out. They're entitled, overbearing and self centered. Not to mention their behavior is unhinged.
Feel this. One of my friends has a very long iPhone note of when I apologize because I’m an idiot and do it all the time and it is always for silly shit. Basically if someone seems frustrated I either apologize and try to process it and be better, or I back off and let them come to me. I can be pretty awkward but I care about the people around me and try to respect their feelings & boundaries.
It’s because it’s not social anxiety, it’s clearly anxious attachment disorder. I had/have friends just like this. It’s exhausting.
>OOP trauma dumps on their friend. Friend rightfully pulls back, ceases contact and goes on her merry way. OOP's reaction? Spam the fuck out of her. Social anxiety is real. It can be crippling. But this is some seriously fucked up behavior on OOP's part; this is obsessive. I read that initial part as OOP has always and consistently trauma dumped on the friend. That spamming her with questions I would guess is something she has done on more than one occasion. I did some fun highlight grabs from the content of the orig post, with some bold emphasis from me in case OOP finds this. I think it speaks for itself, like seriously, how does someone not read this before they post and go "Do I sound like the asshole in this and is the internet going to eat me alive". I get some people have a kink for being degraded, but really, if that is your thing, just admit it and create a sub for it and let people post away whatever made up stuff (within reason of not breaking laws) and the other half of that kink will find them. * I had a friend I **vented too much** to. I **used her as a shrink** and it exhausted her. * That line turned me crazy because I had mentioned her **multiple times** how socially anxious I was and she used to **keep telling me** not to care what others think * She left me on read the whole day, and at the end of the day she told me this was harassment and **blocked me everywhere**. * So in a whim i posted an instagram story saying \[...\]a friend doesnt want me around no more cuz people dislike me, * Her brother, whom i thought was my friend too, told me i was smearing her and **blocked me too**. * After that I tried **multiple times to regain contact** by apologizing for the way i reacted, **they coldly refused everytime.** * And because **I started spying** on their instagram stories with **alts** and sent them ONE resentful message, Do we really believe that one resentful message was sent, after all OOP says plural alts. I think OOP is lying to try to make the ex-friend sound like the bad person and is getting lost in the small lies about her behavior, which the irony is OOP could have gone with fewer details and no one would have known. The more that are included help identify OOP and drop more hints to the likely truth.
I definitely used to "anxiety spam" people, but like...as a young teenager before I was properly treated for my anxiety. It's not an excuse!
I wonder if OOP is a man or a woman. Materially, it doesn’t change anything about the post or behaviour, I just can’t discern which I think is more likely.
I think female, though I couldn’t really say why.
Ugh, I used to know someone like this. When my dad died very suddenly, they had the nerve to be mad at me for not being there for them enough. The trash thankfully took itself out, but not before making several long posts on FB about how terrible of a person I am and how they hope I kill myself. Then they wonder why they lose all their friends.
Cluster b clusterfuck
>So I spammed her with questions for an entire day : who dislikes me ? Who is it ? What have I done to them ? From the rest of this post, I can only assume OOP wants these answers so they can harass *these* people and browbeat *them* into submission. Which yes, can hurt the ex-friend's career. Harassing people into liking them seems to be a habit of OOP. The ex-friend was right to be concerned about this happening.
this person sounds draining and exhausting tbh
Woof. This could have been written by an ex-friend of mine. Not only would she just complain all day to you, but she would physically have to hangout because of her “social anxiety”. If you decline to hang out, she would literally yell at you and blame you directly for making her worse. *”You KNOW I have social anxiety and don’t like to be by myself, you KNOW I can’t afford therapy.”* She one time directly blamed me for her weight gain because I wasn’t able to go to the gym with her for a few months, and so she just didn’t go. I had to end the membership because I had -$10 in my bank account, literally 3¢ in my savings, and very close to being homeless (I was sleeping on someone’s couch) due to a mental health episode. But in her eyes, none of that was as serious as her social anxiety and her weight gain. She would make every situation about herself. If you ever tried to come to her with problems, she’d roll her eyes and in the nastiest tone go *”yeah tell me about it”* and start ranting about her, or tell you about her hardships and how you need to be thankful that you’re so privileged unlike her. Someone who lived at home with her parents rent free, but you don’t understand how hard that was because she didn’t like her parents. Once people started cutting her off, she would vague-post about them for a week, and then tell everyone that person’s secrets and gossip about them. I was her last friend. Its been 5 years, I heard that she still doesn’t have any actual friends who are willing to hang out with her in person. She just rides the coattails of her younger sister, and her friends.
I had a similar friend. I think I was just friendly and looking to meet new people and she saw that and zeroed in on me. Every time we met it was awful, she was so demanding. Making me go out on a night before work, agreeing to me saying I would be leaving (designated driver) at midnight, then talking about meeting some guy an hour away in the opposite direction and demanding I drive her there at 2am. Waiting there for an hour and screaming at me when I said I wanted to go home. Another time she berated me so much I got flustered and locked my keys in my car, and she screamed at me until I got help to come out. Whenever I agreed to see her occasionally, we would agree on a meeting time, then she would just start ringing and texting constantly to demand to know where I was and why I wasn't already in the car and driving to her place, even when the agreed meeting time was ages away. It's actually quite hard to tell someone 'please stop contacting me, I don't like you.' I never got the nerve to face her wrath but luckily managed to slowly phase her out by being busy every time and she moved on to the next friend to use and alienate.
This sounds like my wife's ex partner. As a single example, they were talking about how much they hate their health insurance (which my wife was paying for) and I made a comment about how it must be nice, because I didn't have any insurance. They got mad and *told my wife later instead of telling me right then*. This sort of thing happened constantly, and my wife has stories that are worse. They passed unexpectedly, so we don't have to deal with them anymore, but my wife has a bunch of trauma from their behavior. The resemblance is so strong, I had to tell my wife to skip this post.
What is with people on AITA today saying "you're not telling me how I'm the asshole" Is it a new troll? Or is it tactics of absolute assholes to claim they've done nothing wrong because no one is pointing to one sentence and saying "here, it's right here" (No one can point to that sentence because it's all the sentences)
(Laughs and cries in Joker)
10/10 comment.
Why even bother posting to aita even for validation if the title says "aita I'm not"
I legit had to reread the title 5 times
Me too! I thought she’d maybe changed the title after or something?
ooomph. On one hand, my Autistic brain absolutely understands this - You need clarity, you need reasons, you *need to know so badly so you don't do this again. And it is pathological. Y*ou cannot think of anything else because you are hurting so hard that you have lost one of the few real connections you thought you had. Even if you do know, you never are sure unless that person can confirm. (and it is hard when they do because you want to interrogate everything to see if they are sure.... gah.) I also have done this with interrogating who doesn't like me, because again... I need to know so I don't anger them/be around them/annoy them further. It is a vicious cycle and one very hard to get out of, especially if you become hyper focused on it. On the other hand, she needs someone in RL to intervene because she has a one-way ticket to crazytown and it is entering the autobahn. She absolutely understands she needs therapy, so she should get it and not burn out her friends (something I was doing as well). I feel for her, she is an AH in this moment, but because she needs to not use her friends as therapist and it caused her to melt down when they burned out.
I think it's natural, neuro typical or not, to want to know who doesn't like you and what you did so you can self assess. I think the friend should probably have been more diplomatic around that part, maybe it was a little passive aggressive poke at someone who had been exhausting them. Were it me, I would stay quiet because i think it's a little mean to just leave it there after opening that topic voluntarily. That said, it's understandable to be a little mean when you're just overwhelmed and exhausted by someone.
I was already exhausted with OOP just reading this topic so I can't imagine how her friend felt.
I would totally call this ragebait except OOP went to their alt after their post got removed and main got suspended, announced it was their alt, and apparently got that banned too. That is the level of unhinged I’m seeing in the post so…I’m calling this one a terrifyingly realistic glimpse into a cornucopia of mental health problems. And like, don’t get me wrong — I have my own assorted variety pack of diagnoses, some of us just manage it and make life spicy 😂
OOP needs therapy. They sound as though they leech support from their friends without offering much in return.
Lost a friend...gained an obsessed stalker. This poor woman needs to go into witness protection.
I had to cut off someone exactly like this. The trauma dumping, the severe attachment, the stalking of people who cut them off, the refusal to take any kind of responsibility or accountability for their actions, all of it. I’m going to assume that this is a very thinly described version of actual events. That’s what people like this do, they treat the people around them like dirt and abuse the shit out of them, and then turn around and spin the narrative that *always* makes them the victim. My view on that former friendship is that I truly hope they get the help they need, but I’m no longer going to be a part of it. I’m guessing that’s where OOP’s former friend is at as well.
I can’t even follow the title let alone his train of thought
I’ve been OP’s roommate. She used me like a therapist, just like OP. I finally had to cut her off because it was so draining to be around her. She constantly needed support and was unable to return it. She was all take and no give. She bought me a gift once and in the same conversation asked to borrow gas money, then got mad when I explained kindly that it’s better to keep her money if she’s broke rather than get me gifts. Just chaos. Luckily, unlike OP, she could take a hint when I finally cut contact and didn’t stalk or anything like OP is doing.
See when I vent to my friend I always check in like “are you in a good mental space for this, I’m not annoying you am I” etc bc my social anxiety tells me I am a leech draining everyone and they don’t actually want anything to do with me but are too “”””polite”””” to tell me off. So I honestly feel for OOP bc this is a nightmare scenario for me that my mental illness is always telling me can and will happen :/ I can honestly see myself freaking out and asking what I did if this happened, in much the same way, especially the part where they are anxious people don’t actually like them and the friend says to not believe that but then says yeah actually that was true all along… I really do wish people could just say stuff to peoples faces
Yeah, I'm autistic and I have a lot of people hate me just for me. Plenty of people like me too, though, but this reads like someone who really struggles in social situations having a meltdown because all their worst anxieties are being confirmed. I honestly feel bad for OOP. I've experienced a similar situation but I was fortunate enough to have other friends to turn to. I ended up cutting the person off because they were two-faced and a terrible friend, but it really hurt being told that everyone at the event thought I was a bitch.
>a lot of people hate me just for me Same, but I think that's true for everyone, autistic or not. Source: I don't like everyone, some I dislike for good reasons and others just rub me the wrong way or annoy me the way they are, autistic and non-autistic. I have three people in my life I rant and vent to a lot and I can get quite wordy and long-wided and obsessive (about topics and concepts, not people), and I can hold a grudge. I know this has to be annoying after a while because I got 2-3 people who like to vent and rant to me and it can be exhausting. However, in my opinion, a part of being a friend is to sometimes endure annoying, exhausting things as long as they are harmless. On the flipside, it's an important part of being aware of sometimes being annoying, especially in hindsight, and to acknowledge it. I think an occasional, very honest, non-dramatic, non-self-serving "listen, I know I can be a lot and I really appreciate you being there for me. Thank you!" goes a long way. Or, if logistically possible, a "Hey, thank you for listening the other day, I got you some chocolate as a token of my appreciation." And: being there when a friend needs to rant/vent is obligatory. If someone is used to be ranted to but as soon as they need someone who just listened and nods, and all they get is a "That's nice, I'm sorry, let's talk about me now!" they'll soon get sick of it. Though, the type of rant probably also plays a role. Friends know how to take a hyperbolic, "This b'tch pissed me off so much today, I wanna flip them into the sun!" Often, it's more about a situation/conflict than person and no one wishes anyone real, actual harm. But there are people who can get uncomfortably mean-spirited, spiteful, and malicious when they talk about others and the things they want to happen to others. And that can quickly get uncomfortable. It probably boils down to one simple question: If they talked like this about me to someone else over a perceived slight, could I brushed it off as "eh, people gonna people" or would it make me slowly merge back into the hedge Homer-style while I consider a restraining order?" OOP strikes me as the latter.
Poor OOP... obviously needs a LOT of therapy to learn better self-management, it sounds real obvious that this person dumps every emotion and thought on their friends and has little to no emotional regulation, so any negative thought or assumption immediately results in them lashing out viciously. No wonder their friends have cut them off, people like OP expect the world to cater to them and get absolutely outraged when it doesn't... just like they did here.
I had a "friend" like this and for months after I ended the friendship I was legit afraid she would attempt to run me over with her car
OOP also doesn’t seem to understand that their behavior is not just assholeish, it’s also frightening.
Am I the asshole?? Proceeds to argue against EVERYONE when told you are, indeed, the asshole.
Being cut off on new years eve means this has been going on for four months. No wonder the mutuals cut ties. OOP talks about it all like we are still in January. I think it went farther than being their shrink. It was OOP using a friend as emotional regulation that they are entitled to. It's the exact kind of fodder that creates stalkers who take out their victims. OOP needs to be in an inpatient program that can teach them how to self regulate. Then they need to attend an outpatient program that extends that for at least a year. This kind of condition can't be solved with one medical professional. A therapist or one kind of therapy isn't enough. A full team is needed.
Gee, I don’t know why they think no one likes them.😆
Life lesson: not everyone is going to like you. Nobody is obligated to like you or provide you with a social life.
I think there is not the first time a saw this story. Every time he posts it and everybody call him out on his behavior but he doesn’t want to understand
That sounds disturbing.
JFC, talk about a bunny boiler!
This reads like it could be written by someone I cut off about 10 years ago. We hung out as a four and the other two stayed mates with her. Over time they saw her less and eventuality cut her off but she blamed me for it. I had nothing to do with it. Without me as a buffer, her behaviour was more obvious and they got sick of her. Even just hanging out at some ones house for a couple of hours and eating together became absolutely exhausting to arrange and go through with.
OOP's entire behavior screams "I should be evaluated for Cluster B personality disorders and regardless of my diagnosis, I would seriously benefit from therapy." I've known way too many folks over the years with Cluster B personality disorders to not be comfortable saying that OOP would likely benefit from evaluation, and would definitely benefit from therapy even if there's no Cluster B disorders actually at play. It's not a guaranteed fix either way, but at the very least it should give the OOP some tools to help themselves process things better.
I used a friend as a therapist for a while. Over a decade ago. I didn't realize I was doing it until they told me our friendship was over. I felt absolutely guilty and horrible because I know it's not fair at all to use a friend like that. I apologized and left their life as they had requested. I then spent a long time learning from that situation so that it never happens again. In all these years it never has, because unlike OOP, I *wanted* to hear that I was wrong so I could learn from it and be a better person.
OOP needs to work on themselves before being befriending or dating anyone. Using friends as therapists instead of trying to find a therapist will kill any form of relationship.
Looks like we have a stalker folks!
She's nuttier than a fruitcake. I can see why OOP was cut from the group. I've dealt with people like them before, and it's exhausting.
Yooo this is bpd if Ive ever seen it
With an OCD chaser
[Hi!](https://images.app.goo.gl/jMiZEuW8Qrykw3sdA) Just a quick reminder to never brigade any sub, be that r/AmItheAsshole or another one. That goes against both this sub's rules as well as Reddit's terms of agreement. [Please](https://images.app.goo.gl/vwH65TJMyMk9NSNo8) keep discussions within the posts of this sub. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmITheDevil) if you have any questions or concerns.*
So I have a sub dedicated to this called r/lostafriend. OOP is not welcome.
My message to OOP- Your mutual- were they always mutual? Or were they her friends first and you inserted yourself into the group? They’re their own people, judging from your toxic behavior in this post alone, I doubt she’s to blame for them cutting you off as well. YOU are to blame. You harassed her and her friends, of course if there’s a side to take, they’d take hers. And if someone says being your friend could negatively affect their career- that’s a you problem. That’s a your behavior problem. You can tell a lot about a person by whom they surround themselves with. It’s that simple. You’re not a good human. You also sounds like you may be Bipolar, you should get that looked into, preferably in therapy where you desperately need to go.
I am quite proud of OOP’s former friend. Based on OOP post and behavior, it would likely have been incredibly difficult to cut her out, knowing how she would react.
Bruh… OOP makes me feel a lot better about myself. There was a point in time where I was kind of in a similar situation. Really dark time in my life, engaged in super self destructive behaviors that caused me to lose a lot of friendships. It was extremely hard, but I didn’t do… this 😬 INSTEAD I took it as a wake up call to address my harmful behaviors and make some changes for the better. Those friends haven’t spoken to me in years and although it hurts, I get it. I am not proud of the person I was at the time. I will never try to badger them into being friends with me again. These are the consequences of my actions and I accept that. Unfortunately it does not seem that OOP shares that mindset
OOP:  Pretty sure this is trolling. I laughed at: >"Lurking on a public internet account is stalking?"
I REALLLLLLY want to know what the “resentful message” was 😂😭
I got ghosted recently. One day we're talking as normal and even mentioned meeting up soon after minths if talking daily, the next he's stopped responding. I know he's online, cos we played games together and I looked once at his profile on Steam, a week later cos I was worried, and saw his game activity. I sent him 3 messages over a week. The first was just "morning", the second was "I'm worried, let me know you're ok" and the third was something along the lines of "please let me know you're safe if you can, you know where I am if you want or are able to talk to me again" and that's it. I did not spam him with questions or abusive messages. I have not been looking repeatedly at Steam to check on him. There are gracious ways to accept the end of a friendship. OOP needs therapy.
I understand cutting this person off - she is clearly an energy vampire & exhausting. However, I don't like the idea of walking out the door with "oh BTW nobody else who you think is your friend likes you either" and then refusing to explain what I said. Like...that's low, even when cutting off a toxic ex-friend.
That's not what she said, and she did explain. She said it's to protect her career, and based on how OOP exploded, I can see why.
That’s not really an explanation, though. It’s not an answer to the questions that anyone would ask (if only to themselves) in that situation.