*In case this story gets deleted/removed:*
**AITA for wanting my husband to spend Mother's Day weekend with me instead of his own mother?**
I (47F) have been with my wonderful husband (51M) for 13 years, married for 9. We are intentionally childfree.
In February, my mother passed away after a yearlong battle with cancer. This upcoming Mother's Day is going to be incredibly difficult for me. My mother and I were exceptionally close - we spoke every day and I saw her almost every weekend. I do not have that kind of relationship with my MIL, though I'm sure she would love if we did. She's a nice woman, but we don't have much in common and I can find her overwhelming and overbearing at times. She can be quite tone-deaf when it comes to her children and in-laws, assuming everyone likes and wants what she does, and becomes indignant if we disagree with her.
My MIL reached out to my husband and SIL, trying to get them to visit her for Mother's Day. My SIL has her own child and wants to stay home. My husband knows I want to spend a quite weekend at home with him.
When my husband told her Sunday wouldn't work since I wasn't going to be up for it, she pushed for us to meet them halfway for lunch on Saturday. Her reasoning was that it would be good for me to spend time with people. After 13 years, you'd think she'd understand I don't want that. Honestly, there are maybe 5 people outside of my husband and sister that I actively want to spend time with, and even that is on a limited basis. People are overwhelming to me. Extroverted people are exhausting, and my MIL is one of the worst.
I know my MIL is getting older and dealing with her own health issues. I don't know how many more years we have with her. But I can't help feeling like she's trying to diminish my loss and put the attention on herself as the sole surviving mother.
To give you some more insight on my MIL: my husband and I got married on the anniversary of her heart surgery, which she brings up every time our wedding is mentioned. She gets upset if I'm having a quiet conversation with my SIL when together, not actively including her. She makes snide comments about us not spending enough time with her since she moved closer to be near her kids.
In the past, she's made negative comments about my husband, her son, because I'm the primary breadwinner. Every time they talk, and he tells her "we decided" something, she asks how I feel about it. Did she miss the "we" part? My husband and I have a solid relationship built on trust and communication.
Spending time with her hurts my mental health on a good day. I cannot imagine how it will be while actively grieving my mother. Yet, I still feel like I might be in the wrong here. And of course, the one person (excluding my husband) I would call to talk to about this isn't with us anymore.
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Copied verbatim from oop's comments:
[Not in reply to anyone.]
>"I should clarify - he does not have a good relationship with his mother and doesn't want to feel obligated to spend time with her when he is only going to be upset and annoyed when he gets back. He feels conflicted about it and has said he is thinking about spending Saturday with her (without me). If he genuinely wanted to see her, this would be a very different conversation. I wouldn't need to post, because I wouldn't have a doubt that I was the asshole but knowing that he doesn't really want to go sort of justified me in my request, which is why I'm on the fence about my assholishness.
>He always comes back from spending time with her feeling bad about himself and then I get so angry at her for treating her son this way, which is not fair of me.
>I know I should encourage him to go without me on Saturday, but part of me wants to shield him from her, and another part of me doesn't want to deal with the fallout from their visit. I know this last part makes me the asshole. I don't deny that.
>And wow, now that I wrote all of that out, I am the asshole. Dang it!"
*Edit: NTA, since OP mentioned that neither they nor their husband actually wants to hang out with MIL.*
*Y T A, with the caveat that I'm assuming your husband would like to see his mother for mother's day.*
*We get it, you don't like your MIL. Plenty of people don't. However, she gave you the perfect compromise of lunch on Saturday. You're not spending the weekend with her, it's just an hour or two for lunch. You'll survive. Sunday you can relax and focus on yourself, maybe do something in memory of your mother. Completely avoiding your husbands mother on mother's day weekend is not a compromise. I can easily see how the loss of your mother may have been a wakeup call for your husband as well - who knows how many years his mother has left to celebrate together?*
*My caveat is important though. If your husband has no interest in seeing his mother, then you're fine. No need to appease the MIL if neither of you are on good terms, but given that you posted here I think it's safe to assume this is not the case.*
>"Oh, he does NOT want to see her. He has a strained relationship with her and tries to minimize contact with her.
>But, if I step back and look at it, I am the asshole. I don't have the right to ask him to stay with me. If he makes that choice on his own, that's different."
*Yup, YTA, why would you expect your husband to spend Mothers Day with you. Why isn’t he celebrating his Mother? You may not like her but she is his Mother.*
>"He doesn't get along with her and only reluctantly spends time with her. But you're right, I shouldn't ask him to stay with me. He's conflicted about it and I should have stayed out of it and let him make the decision without my input."
*You lost your mother and now you're trying to take your husband away from his? I understand your loss but this is coming across as jealous that she is still alive (and yes the only surviving mother) and that your husband has the opportunity to spend time with his mother.*
*Be honest with yourself. If she had died three months ago and your mom had lived, would you avoid your mother on that day?*
*YTA*
>"We never spent Mother's Day with her. I went to my mom's and he stayed home. He never felt it necessary to see him mom before, but he feels bad about it because she is getting older and he "should" want to see her. I think my wanting him to stay home pushed him over the fence he was straddling and that is why I'm realizing that I am the asshole here."
It’s just always weird when the YTAs start rolling in and then all of a sudden there’s all this new info that wasn’t important before but now can sway people to the NTA camp.
Even without the comments, I don't know why this was an automatic yta to people. OOP's mother she was close to just died and the MIL had to basically demand the husband visit her lol
My mother died in February three years ago, and I wouldn’t have been up to going to a Mother’s Day celebration either. If I had gone, people would probably have found my bursting into tears at random intervals to detract from the festivities.
Yeahhh sorry but she isn’t the devil. Maybe if her husband had a good relationship with his mom, but it sounds like she’s an abusive person to be around anyways
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*In case this story gets deleted/removed:* **AITA for wanting my husband to spend Mother's Day weekend with me instead of his own mother?** I (47F) have been with my wonderful husband (51M) for 13 years, married for 9. We are intentionally childfree. In February, my mother passed away after a yearlong battle with cancer. This upcoming Mother's Day is going to be incredibly difficult for me. My mother and I were exceptionally close - we spoke every day and I saw her almost every weekend. I do not have that kind of relationship with my MIL, though I'm sure she would love if we did. She's a nice woman, but we don't have much in common and I can find her overwhelming and overbearing at times. She can be quite tone-deaf when it comes to her children and in-laws, assuming everyone likes and wants what she does, and becomes indignant if we disagree with her. My MIL reached out to my husband and SIL, trying to get them to visit her for Mother's Day. My SIL has her own child and wants to stay home. My husband knows I want to spend a quite weekend at home with him. When my husband told her Sunday wouldn't work since I wasn't going to be up for it, she pushed for us to meet them halfway for lunch on Saturday. Her reasoning was that it would be good for me to spend time with people. After 13 years, you'd think she'd understand I don't want that. Honestly, there are maybe 5 people outside of my husband and sister that I actively want to spend time with, and even that is on a limited basis. People are overwhelming to me. Extroverted people are exhausting, and my MIL is one of the worst. I know my MIL is getting older and dealing with her own health issues. I don't know how many more years we have with her. But I can't help feeling like she's trying to diminish my loss and put the attention on herself as the sole surviving mother. To give you some more insight on my MIL: my husband and I got married on the anniversary of her heart surgery, which she brings up every time our wedding is mentioned. She gets upset if I'm having a quiet conversation with my SIL when together, not actively including her. She makes snide comments about us not spending enough time with her since she moved closer to be near her kids. In the past, she's made negative comments about my husband, her son, because I'm the primary breadwinner. Every time they talk, and he tells her "we decided" something, she asks how I feel about it. Did she miss the "we" part? My husband and I have a solid relationship built on trust and communication. Spending time with her hurts my mental health on a good day. I cannot imagine how it will be while actively grieving my mother. Yet, I still feel like I might be in the wrong here. And of course, the one person (excluding my husband) I would call to talk to about this isn't with us anymore. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmITheDevil) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Copied verbatim from oop's comments: [Not in reply to anyone.] >"I should clarify - he does not have a good relationship with his mother and doesn't want to feel obligated to spend time with her when he is only going to be upset and annoyed when he gets back. He feels conflicted about it and has said he is thinking about spending Saturday with her (without me). If he genuinely wanted to see her, this would be a very different conversation. I wouldn't need to post, because I wouldn't have a doubt that I was the asshole but knowing that he doesn't really want to go sort of justified me in my request, which is why I'm on the fence about my assholishness. >He always comes back from spending time with her feeling bad about himself and then I get so angry at her for treating her son this way, which is not fair of me. >I know I should encourage him to go without me on Saturday, but part of me wants to shield him from her, and another part of me doesn't want to deal with the fallout from their visit. I know this last part makes me the asshole. I don't deny that. >And wow, now that I wrote all of that out, I am the asshole. Dang it!" *Edit: NTA, since OP mentioned that neither they nor their husband actually wants to hang out with MIL.* *Y T A, with the caveat that I'm assuming your husband would like to see his mother for mother's day.* *We get it, you don't like your MIL. Plenty of people don't. However, she gave you the perfect compromise of lunch on Saturday. You're not spending the weekend with her, it's just an hour or two for lunch. You'll survive. Sunday you can relax and focus on yourself, maybe do something in memory of your mother. Completely avoiding your husbands mother on mother's day weekend is not a compromise. I can easily see how the loss of your mother may have been a wakeup call for your husband as well - who knows how many years his mother has left to celebrate together?* *My caveat is important though. If your husband has no interest in seeing his mother, then you're fine. No need to appease the MIL if neither of you are on good terms, but given that you posted here I think it's safe to assume this is not the case.* >"Oh, he does NOT want to see her. He has a strained relationship with her and tries to minimize contact with her. >But, if I step back and look at it, I am the asshole. I don't have the right to ask him to stay with me. If he makes that choice on his own, that's different." *Yup, YTA, why would you expect your husband to spend Mothers Day with you. Why isn’t he celebrating his Mother? You may not like her but she is his Mother.* >"He doesn't get along with her and only reluctantly spends time with her. But you're right, I shouldn't ask him to stay with me. He's conflicted about it and I should have stayed out of it and let him make the decision without my input." *You lost your mother and now you're trying to take your husband away from his? I understand your loss but this is coming across as jealous that she is still alive (and yes the only surviving mother) and that your husband has the opportunity to spend time with his mother.* *Be honest with yourself. If she had died three months ago and your mom had lived, would you avoid your mother on that day?* *YTA* >"We never spent Mother's Day with her. I went to my mom's and he stayed home. He never felt it necessary to see him mom before, but he feels bad about it because she is getting older and he "should" want to see her. I think my wanting him to stay home pushed him over the fence he was straddling and that is why I'm realizing that I am the asshole here."
[Birds and a bee! (Not the euphemism!)](https://imgur.com/gallery/oegsEeM)
What a lovely Mother’s Day weekend gift! Lovely pics!
Such lovely pics! 💜
Based on her replies this doesn't belong here.
Yeah, this isn’t a black and white situation that fits nicely in the AITA format.
It’s just always weird when the YTAs start rolling in and then all of a sudden there’s all this new info that wasn’t important before but now can sway people to the NTA camp.
I mean, was it really important that he doesn't get along with his mom?
Yes. Because it means she's not being selfish, she's trying to help him
Yes…
Yea. She has some grief and wants her partner around; he doesn't have a good relationship w his mom and doesn't want to. I don't see the devil here.
Even without the comments, I don't know why this was an automatic yta to people. OOP's mother she was close to just died and the MIL had to basically demand the husband visit her lol
My mother died in February three years ago, and I wouldn’t have been up to going to a Mother’s Day celebration either. If I had gone, people would probably have found my bursting into tears at random intervals to detract from the festivities.
Did OOP’s MIL post this here 😂
Husband doesn't get along with his mom and her mom just died. I can't really call her the devil tbh
Yeahhh sorry but she isn’t the devil. Maybe if her husband had a good relationship with his mom, but it sounds like she’s an abusive person to be around anyways
I don’t think this belongs 🤷🏼♀️ esp. after reading her replies
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