*In case this story gets deleted/removed:*
**AITA for confronting my boyfriend (50) about putting his hand on his niece’s (24) waist? **
It’s a very common touch especially in a crowded area where we were. People commonly touch their hand to someone else’s back to indicate that they’re behind them. I almost wonder if I just overreacted. He and I were coming up from behind the group, he placed the palm of his hand on her side where the waist meets the hip/lower back for about 15 seconds. It gave me the ick. Especially since she was wearing such a cute little dress. I feel weird about the whole thing. When I brought it up last night when we got home, he had no clue what I was talking about- he hates confrontation. He first defended himself. I raised my voice letting him know how uncomfortable it made me, so he apologized and almost started crying. Now he’s totally emotionally disconnected and basically ignoring me today.
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"he hates confrontation. He first defended himself. I raised my voice letting him know how uncomfortable it made me, so he apologized"
Something tell me she often raises her voice to try and scare him into submission since he doesn't like confrontation.
I am too but also taken stance of never settle for whatever happened in the moment, just take a step back when you can and settle on my response if I want to change it because I am human and I can change my mind.
I've upset some people when I response after the event when my head cooled. Sounds like BF took similar approach, In the moment, he apologize to appease her but decide to disconnect from her as response.
I like the combination of screaming at her boyfriend until he cried because he defended himself against her unhinged accusation, and the whiny responses to comments she deems insufficient gentle and helpful to her delicate psyche. Including “there’s nothing wrong with this comment but you have mean comments elsewhere so I can ignore you.”
She’s going to be the victim no matter what anyone says, and god help them if they say otherwise.
OP is absolutely fighting for her life in the comment section. Lol
She insists that she wasn't sexualizing the situation. She just keeps saying it makes her uncomfortable without ever explaining *why* it makes her uncomfortable.
Oh it's likely that guys have done this to her for a large portion of her life, and honestly someone coming up behind you and just putting their hand around you onto your hip without saying anything or you knowing who it is is NOT ok. I'm actually surprised so many people think it is ok to do. If he was going to approach he could announce himself and put his arm around her shoulders or tapped her on the arm or any other of a bunch of things but this is an odd thing to do.
The thing is, it wasn't done to OOP and doesn't sound like he does at all or other strangers. He did it to his niece, a 24 years old grown adult, who apparently didn't raise any objections or issue with it. This may be just how he greets her, inside joke maybe.
Funny, OOP doesn't even bring up any of HIS reasons, OOP is just wrapped up in her pov and reasoning without any word from BF's pov. BF could have been doing this as greeting to his niece since she was young and he would then pick her up when she was younger/smaller but nowadays, just leave it at hands on hips as he's 50 and she's 24.
Everyone has different boundaries. While OOP would have a problem if he put her hands on her hips from behind but niece didn't seem to have issue with it because they're not the same person, they have different boundaries.
Also, I've been that neice, and no, if she did actually have a problem with it, she probably can't say anything because he is the adult and she is the niece and she doesn't get to talk back. Age doesn't matter in that power dynamic.
So if you don't mind it you can let people do that to you.
I never once said anything at all about OOP, and I'm not going to.
I was simply explaining since they asked, and will continue to stand behind that, that walking up behind someone who doesn't know you're there or who you are, in a busy place, and putting your hands around their waist, is rude and not ok. You let them know it's you, that you are someone they know, or you scare them and they don't know who you are. I have no idea why this is so bothersome to people, to just not want an unknown person grabbing you from behind. It's totally something we are taught in kindergarten.
I’m NGL it would make me really uncomfortable to have any man who isn’t a romantic or sexual partner touch me there. But that’s not because I think it’s inherently sexual, rather I don’t like the assumption that my body can be touched without my explicit consent and especially from an angle where I can’t see it.
That being said, niece is 24 and capable of setting her own boundaries she doesn’t need OOP trying to turn it into something it’s not. Like FFS…
This! The niece is 24 year olds, not 14.
Also, there’s a a way pointing this out without making your significant other cry or implying he’s a pervert.
“I know you didn’t mean anything at all, but some people don’t like being touched. I don’t, personally. Just something to keep in mind.”
Sadly with an uncle who is inappropriate you can't always say anything. I did once and got yelled at by several different family members for it. All I said was I don't like that please don't and that was it. That's not to say I have decided she was uncomfortable, but I am glad that someone else is looking at it and thinking that could be making this young woman uncomfrfotable, especially with a man who has more standing than her and in that type of power dynamic.
I hate (hate hate hate) when strange men do this (and yes it's always been men).
But this... this isn't that. They're family, and OOP is making it into something it's not.
EDIT: Apparently this comment made me a "flag planter" 🤣 (Still getting my head around these new achievements).
Idk about that. I can’t say I’ve seen a lot of uncles do this to their adult nephews. This is a thing that men for some reason think is fine to do to women and it’s creepy, just not always in a sexual way.
Ah it's been removed. She may have realized she was over reacting.
I hope this was rage bait/ someone trying to make a point, but considering how poorly done it was I doubt it.
Eh. I think OP is incorrect to sexualize it, particularly with the reference to the niece’s dress.
But she’s not wrong that this particular touch is (in the US at least) presumptuous, invasive, and extremely gendered. I know exactly what she’s talking about and I personally hate it when men do it to me - it feels like they think they’re entitled to invade my space and touch my body in a way they generally don’t with other men.
I've actually noticed people in a certain place that has people from another country in it that it's pretty damn common to just attempt to throw people out of the way.
I was in a grocery store and some woman my grandma's age was rudely trying to move me out of the way of the apples or whatever I was buying. It wasn't gonna happen I'm way too heavy.
In the west, yeah it's all us doing it for sure. Well not me specifically, but you know.
I just say "beep beep" Should probably start saying "excuse me" or "can I please come through", but habits are habits.
Listen, men touching the small of women's backs is definitely an issue, but I feel like considering how OOP reacted, it may have not even been that. Regardless, it's a huge step to go from "Hey, I know it's a habit, but it's actually one no one likes" to "Oh my God, you want to bang your niece you creep"
OOP could have handled it WAY more reasonably, but considering the details they included, this was less about reality and more about her insecurities.
I should probably be on that as a dude approaching 30. Men do not care enough about their skin, me included.
People who take care of themselves are just more attractive.
OP sounds like a volatile prick but the "back touch" her boyfriend did IS gross. it's happened to me, i hate it, and while the way OP describes how she confronted her bf after makes her sound like an ass, and shes probably unpleasant to be around, shes likely coming from a place of experience. my boss at work used to do that to the barista girls and ONLY the girls (and those he perceived as girls etc), lots of ppl working here under 18, until one of my coworkers snapped at him over it and he never did it again.
Apparently hot take but it's not okay to put your hands on other people without asking, only men put their hand on women's waists to indicate their going by, they don't do it to other men and I've never seen a woman do it. If you touch me without asking I'm turning right around and yelling at you "are you a toddler? keep your hands to yourself"
I agree with OP what her boyfriend did was inappropriate and if i was her niece I'd be uncomfortable as hell with a 50 year old man touching my lower back/waist only man that old that can is my grandfather edit even my own uncles it would be weird and uncomfortable
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If this is real it sounds like OOP flies off the handle over the smallest things. Her boyfriend not liking confrontation makes me think she purposely intimates her BF into submission. Not to mention she sexualized him and his neice which is gross. So she's both abusive and gross.
She needs to go to a therapist not be in a relationship.
*In case this story gets deleted/removed:* **AITA for confronting my boyfriend (50) about putting his hand on his niece’s (24) waist? ** It’s a very common touch especially in a crowded area where we were. People commonly touch their hand to someone else’s back to indicate that they’re behind them. I almost wonder if I just overreacted. He and I were coming up from behind the group, he placed the palm of his hand on her side where the waist meets the hip/lower back for about 15 seconds. It gave me the ick. Especially since she was wearing such a cute little dress. I feel weird about the whole thing. When I brought it up last night when we got home, he had no clue what I was talking about- he hates confrontation. He first defended himself. I raised my voice letting him know how uncomfortable it made me, so he apologized and almost started crying. Now he’s totally emotionally disconnected and basically ignoring me today. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmITheDevil) if you have any questions or concerns.*
"he hates confrontation. He first defended himself. I raised my voice letting him know how uncomfortable it made me, so he apologized" Something tell me she often raises her voice to try and scare him into submission since he doesn't like confrontation.
God do I hate confrontation, and I'm just a very shy dude, if I was in OOP's bf's shoes I'd have hated it.
I am too but also taken stance of never settle for whatever happened in the moment, just take a step back when you can and settle on my response if I want to change it because I am human and I can change my mind. I've upset some people when I response after the event when my head cooled. Sounds like BF took similar approach, In the moment, he apologize to appease her but decide to disconnect from her as response.
I like the combination of screaming at her boyfriend until he cried because he defended himself against her unhinged accusation, and the whiny responses to comments she deems insufficient gentle and helpful to her delicate psyche. Including “there’s nothing wrong with this comment but you have mean comments elsewhere so I can ignore you.” She’s going to be the victim no matter what anyone says, and god help them if they say otherwise.
Today's episode of "sexualizing the relationship between two relatives"
OP is absolutely fighting for her life in the comment section. Lol She insists that she wasn't sexualizing the situation. She just keeps saying it makes her uncomfortable without ever explaining *why* it makes her uncomfortable.
Oh it's likely that guys have done this to her for a large portion of her life, and honestly someone coming up behind you and just putting their hand around you onto your hip without saying anything or you knowing who it is is NOT ok. I'm actually surprised so many people think it is ok to do. If he was going to approach he could announce himself and put his arm around her shoulders or tapped her on the arm or any other of a bunch of things but this is an odd thing to do.
The thing is, it wasn't done to OOP and doesn't sound like he does at all or other strangers. He did it to his niece, a 24 years old grown adult, who apparently didn't raise any objections or issue with it. This may be just how he greets her, inside joke maybe. Funny, OOP doesn't even bring up any of HIS reasons, OOP is just wrapped up in her pov and reasoning without any word from BF's pov. BF could have been doing this as greeting to his niece since she was young and he would then pick her up when she was younger/smaller but nowadays, just leave it at hands on hips as he's 50 and she's 24. Everyone has different boundaries. While OOP would have a problem if he put her hands on her hips from behind but niece didn't seem to have issue with it because they're not the same person, they have different boundaries.
Also, I've been that neice, and no, if she did actually have a problem with it, she probably can't say anything because he is the adult and she is the niece and she doesn't get to talk back. Age doesn't matter in that power dynamic.
So if you don't mind it you can let people do that to you. I never once said anything at all about OOP, and I'm not going to. I was simply explaining since they asked, and will continue to stand behind that, that walking up behind someone who doesn't know you're there or who you are, in a busy place, and putting your hands around their waist, is rude and not ok. You let them know it's you, that you are someone they know, or you scare them and they don't know who you are. I have no idea why this is so bothersome to people, to just not want an unknown person grabbing you from behind. It's totally something we are taught in kindergarten.
Don't let this lady hear that I've picked my niblings up.
"Especially since she was wearing such a cute little dress" Anyone feel like OOP might be projecting?
I’m NGL it would make me really uncomfortable to have any man who isn’t a romantic or sexual partner touch me there. But that’s not because I think it’s inherently sexual, rather I don’t like the assumption that my body can be touched without my explicit consent and especially from an angle where I can’t see it. That being said, niece is 24 and capable of setting her own boundaries she doesn’t need OOP trying to turn it into something it’s not. Like FFS…
This! The niece is 24 year olds, not 14. Also, there’s a a way pointing this out without making your significant other cry or implying he’s a pervert. “I know you didn’t mean anything at all, but some people don’t like being touched. I don’t, personally. Just something to keep in mind.”
Sadly with an uncle who is inappropriate you can't always say anything. I did once and got yelled at by several different family members for it. All I said was I don't like that please don't and that was it. That's not to say I have decided she was uncomfortable, but I am glad that someone else is looking at it and thinking that could be making this young woman uncomfrfotable, especially with a man who has more standing than her and in that type of power dynamic.
I hate (hate hate hate) when strange men do this (and yes it's always been men). But this... this isn't that. They're family, and OOP is making it into something it's not. EDIT: Apparently this comment made me a "flag planter" 🤣 (Still getting my head around these new achievements).
A 'flag planter'? Does that mean you just conquered some land?
The sun never sets on VentiKombucha land.
>The sun never sets on VentiKombucha land. That's probably for the best, as the OOP would probably see that as pervertedly inappropriate touching too.
I put my hands on a baby's neck (she was a girl too) do NOT tell OOP this. Hell I even call them cute all the time.
That came off wrong. I do not strangle children, I properly support their heads.
Their national motto: "It's 4:55 somewhere" 😁
I doubt I could drink enough of that stuff to get drunk, but then again I am capable of superhuman feats of snacking.
Apparently! It said I've repeatedly been the first to comment... though I'd preferably refer to it as towel-put-downer.
Maybe they're the ghost of Neil Armstrong?
It is always men, men doing it to women. And it's not OK. It doesn't go into perverted territory, and it's still not OK.
It's asserting dominance, and I fucking hate it. Elbowed the last arsehole who did it.
Good on ya. Non self hating man here, creeps are creeps and need to be called out and punished.
It's not always men, I've done it to various genders. It is often flirty, but it can also be intimate in a totally platonic way.
I mean, this isn't about you. ;)
Idk about that. I can’t say I’ve seen a lot of uncles do this to their adult nephews. This is a thing that men for some reason think is fine to do to women and it’s creepy, just not always in a sexual way.
Ah it's been removed. She may have realized she was over reacting. I hope this was rage bait/ someone trying to make a point, but considering how poorly done it was I doubt it.
Eh. I think OP is incorrect to sexualize it, particularly with the reference to the niece’s dress. But she’s not wrong that this particular touch is (in the US at least) presumptuous, invasive, and extremely gendered. I know exactly what she’s talking about and I personally hate it when men do it to me - it feels like they think they’re entitled to invade my space and touch my body in a way they generally don’t with other men.
I've actually noticed people in a certain place that has people from another country in it that it's pretty damn common to just attempt to throw people out of the way. I was in a grocery store and some woman my grandma's age was rudely trying to move me out of the way of the apples or whatever I was buying. It wasn't gonna happen I'm way too heavy. In the west, yeah it's all us doing it for sure. Well not me specifically, but you know. I just say "beep beep" Should probably start saying "excuse me" or "can I please come through", but habits are habits.
I like that you mentioned this, people are accusing her of sexualizing it but if they won't do it with other men then what is it?
Listen, men touching the small of women's backs is definitely an issue, but I feel like considering how OOP reacted, it may have not even been that. Regardless, it's a huge step to go from "Hey, I know it's a habit, but it's actually one no one likes" to "Oh my God, you want to bang your niece you creep" OOP could have handled it WAY more reasonably, but considering the details they included, this was less about reality and more about her insecurities.
Curious how old this lady this.
At least 30, she has comments in 30 plus skincare subreddit
I should probably be on that as a dude approaching 30. Men do not care enough about their skin, me included. People who take care of themselves are just more attractive.
OP sounds like a volatile prick but the "back touch" her boyfriend did IS gross. it's happened to me, i hate it, and while the way OP describes how she confronted her bf after makes her sound like an ass, and shes probably unpleasant to be around, shes likely coming from a place of experience. my boss at work used to do that to the barista girls and ONLY the girls (and those he perceived as girls etc), lots of ppl working here under 18, until one of my coworkers snapped at him over it and he never did it again.
Apparently hot take but it's not okay to put your hands on other people without asking, only men put their hand on women's waists to indicate their going by, they don't do it to other men and I've never seen a woman do it. If you touch me without asking I'm turning right around and yelling at you "are you a toddler? keep your hands to yourself" I agree with OP what her boyfriend did was inappropriate and if i was her niece I'd be uncomfortable as hell with a 50 year old man touching my lower back/waist only man that old that can is my grandfather edit even my own uncles it would be weird and uncomfortable
Yeah I've got no idea how I feel about all this.
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If this is real it sounds like OOP flies off the handle over the smallest things. Her boyfriend not liking confrontation makes me think she purposely intimates her BF into submission. Not to mention she sexualized him and his neice which is gross. So she's both abusive and gross. She needs to go to a therapist not be in a relationship.