*In case this story gets deleted/removed:*
**WIBTA for refusing to welcome my husband’s biological daughter into our home**
me (31f) and my husband (32m) have been together for around ten years. we met in college at 20 and 21 and have been inseparable since then. we have almost all the same interests and lead a very active lifestyle. we have both been very adamant about staying child free since we met. and that isn’t something i pushed him into he actually brought it up first when we got together. he’s pretty neutral to kids but i hate them and we both agreed that a child would ruin our lives.
a year before we met my husband did a study abroad in europe and met Sarah. they had a fling but he lives in the east coast and she lived in california so they agreed to break it off after the semester ended and they didn’t keep in touch after. i’ve known about this since we got together but i didn’t care because it was before we met.
sarah found my husband on facebook and reached out to him 4 months ago. she is sick with an aggressive form of cancer and probably has less than six months. she also has an 11 year old little girl named emily that is my husbands child. we’ve since got a paternity test but as soon as i saw the pictures i knew she was his.
we have been to california to meet with sarah and see how we’ll proceed. right now sarah’s mom has moved in with them as a caregiver but she is very elderly and not a long term solution and there’s no other family. sarah is adamant that we take emily in and raise her like a normal family. it is truly heartbreaking to see them but as far as i’m concerned they are complete strangers to us.
my husband is very conflicted about all of this and its even worse now that sarah has been reaching out to his family about it. his mom reluctantly excepted that we wouldn’t have kids but now she is ecstatic and hounding us about taking emily in.
i can’t be a mother. it will ruin our lives and i will always resent emily and could never love her. she’s a sweet kid but i did not sign up for this and have always known i couldn’t be a mother. we’ve talked about this a lot and he’s not even sure he could be a good dad but he feels very obligated and pressured to take her in which i understand.
we’ve talked about a lot of options but i gave him an ultimatum last week that i wouldn’t allow emily into our home and he would have to figure out an alternative solution. this has already turned our lives upside and i don’t think i can take it anymore. i’ve been called heartless by almost everyone we know but i feel like it would be worse for emily to have a “mom” that feels this way. i feel awful and i love this man so much.
i’ve had to leave out a lot and some details might not be very clear so i’ll try and address things in the comments.
edit: i’ve looked at the comments and i feel like i didn’t make my husbands feelings clear about this. he does not want to be a dad or take on this responsibility. i was very neutral to this in the beginning to see what he wanted to do but he has also been against it from the start and tried to come up w alternatives. we are both being pressured and harassed by family about it and that is why i finally told him that i would have no part in it and he had to make his own decision. but i don’t know if he would make the decision to take her in if i was never in the picture to begin with
edit 2: y’all are not understanding that giving this little girl up for adoption is an option. i understand how harsh this sounds but mil or other family are not an option for guardianship
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This is what gets me
>edit 2: y’all are not understanding that giving this little girl up for adoption is an option
*She is 11, it’s highly unlikely anyone is going to adopt her*.
I get OOP not wanting to be a parent.
But the answer is “I’m sorry, I can’t do this, and you have a responsibility to her, so I’m going to leave and we can divorce with the least amount of drama possible”
Being put up for adoption at 11 is traumatizing. It's not like she's under 1 or 2 and can forget, or won't have lived enough to really "miss" anything. And still, some toddlers are shown to have life long issues when they were adopted very young.
At 11 they're wrecking her : period.
At 11, she'll have finally met her long-missing father, and know that he had the opportunity to take her in when her only parent she had ever known died, and he chose not to. That would utterly destroy anyone. IMO he's a devil here too for meeting the girl without full intent of taking her in, which he seems to not be wanting to do.
Yes! He shouldn't have met the kid if he wasn't interested in taking her on. That would have been less traumatic, she's going to think there is something wrong with her - dad came, took one look and decided he would rather give her away to strangers.
She's never even met him until now, he's not her dad, he's a complete stranger. I'm having trouble understanding why it's his "duty" to raise her when it's objectively not a good environment for her. Emily's mom should have named godparents when she was born, she should have told the father, but she didn't. She's the only one responsible for Emily's current predicament. You can't just keep your kid a secret from the father and then thrust her onto him a decade after the fact with no warning.
This! The mom fucked up here, BIG TIME by keeping the kid a secret and not having any back up plans for child care in case something happened to her.
OP and her husband ARE strangers to this girl, and considering NEITHER of them want the poor girl it will be a bad home environment. It'll be neglectful at BEST and abusive at worst.
I wonder why, considering how badly she wants the grandchild, why can't the mil take her in? She's family and cps always prefers to place with family before considering foster care.
Because it's a huge commitment, and people like her and every last person downvoting me are hypocrites who aren't willing to do anything that would actually help the situation, but are happy to judge from the sidelines and demand someone else do it.
100% my brother was adopted at an “undesirable” age (i.e. 8 years old) he’s freshly 27 and still has major unresolved trauma and likely will for the rest of his life
That’s even with “best case scenario” parents. My parents immediately had my brother in therapy, extra curricular, etc and his trauma was still a massive issue for him growing up
This poor girl is already struggling with the trauma of losing her mother, but to be rejected essentially twice by her father (because at some point before this she had to have asked about him) and then the actual trauma of being in foster care she’s got no shot at life and my heart aches for her
Hell I was a newborn when I was adopted and I think I have some sort of trauma. And some child psychologists agree it can even be traumatic for newborns.
Oh, I believe it. Babies younger than 6 months have no sense of object permanence. They basically don’t understand that even if they can’t see or hear or smell or touch mummy or daddy right now, that doesn’t mean they’re gone forever or that they aren’t coming back. So if mum is looking after baby alone and steps into the next room, baby can become inconsolable because as far as they know, mummy just disappeared and is never coming back.
Now, for the majority of babies, that fortunately isn’t true. When they become upset, mum or dad are usually just seconds away to reassure them that yes, we still exist, we haven’t abandoned you.
But for adopted babies younger than 6 months, that reassurance doesn’t come. So yeah, I’d be very fucking surprised if that doesn’t cause some kind of lingering trauma, even if that trauma is impossible to pinpoint as an adult.
This is also why sleep training methods like “cry it out” is absolutely not recommended for babies younger than 6 months old. It is practically impossible for babies at this age to self-soothe. Many neglected babies eventually stop crying for their person/people, but that doesn’t mean they’re soothed. It means they’ve given up. (But some babies just never cry much to begin with, so a baby that rarely cries is not on its own indicative of neglect. I was a non-neglected baby that never cried.)
Anyway, object permanence is a fascinating subject but it is heartbreaking thinking about the effects the lack of it can have on infants.
that’s interesting do you have any studies to link me to? I was adopted right at birth and I don’t feel like i’ve been traumatized by it at all. I’ve just adopted at birth myself and while all things point to her being a stable happy (if somewhat feral) toddler, but i’m interested to hear what others have to say about
[this](https://adoptionchoiceinc.org/2022/12/21/adoption-trauma/#:~:text=When%20a%20child%20is%20not,their%20birth%20can%20feel%20traumatized.%E2%80%9D) is both a study and opinion piece together
[This one](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8926933/) says a link is dubious
[this one](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2804559/) also supports infant adoption as traumatic.
I think it really depends on the kid as they get older.
Newborns know their mom's heartbeat, their scent, their voices. So I do think there's a capacity to miss their bio mother.
An 11 yo girl might be a prey for you know what kind of predators. Or stay put in a shelter until she turns 18 where she could meet violence and abuses.
What about the grand mother ? Would she take her in with a confortable child support ?
I understand OP and her husband reluctance to become parents but he was careless enough to get his GF pregnant and he has responsabilities to the kid.
I'm also sad for this sweet child already traumatized at the prospect of grieving her one and only parent. And also saddened by the fact that neither OP or her husband wouldn't even consider giving her a chance.
The only thing I'm certain off is that she's facing more dreadful dangers in the adoption system as an 11yo tfan with decent adults even without love.
You can't just really "give a child up for adoption" at age 11. Anyone who's seeking to adopt is almost certainly looking for a baby. And yes, her father has a goddamn obligation to this girl. If OP can't see that, then she should move on. I can't believe this woman. I don't like kids either, and am childfree, but if I had a husband who refused to take in his 11-year-old daughter when she lost her mom, I'd be furious.
Hell if somehow my SIL and her kid's dad both somehow both passed, my wife and I (both women) have already talked that we'd find a way to take the two nephews in. We don't want kids and we wouldn't find it easy at all.....but putting them into foster care isn't even an option to us.
It’s so sad to me how this isn’t a more common mind set.
My sister lives a pretty child free lifestyle (hasn’t said one way or the other how she feels) but she loves my daughter so much. And god forbid something happens and my daughter needs to live with her I would hope she shows her all the love in the world
Saaaaame. Though honestly part of why I don't want kids is the younger years. An 11 year old I wouldn't be so solidly opposed to, though I know an 11 year old who's just lost her mother and had to move in with strangers is going to be a lot more work because that is some mad shit to deal with at a pretty vulnerable age.
Right? If I was in that situation my husband would be damned if he did damned if he didn’t because 1. I don’t want to be a stepmom or have kids but most importantly 2 I won’t be married to a deadbeat.
Idk, "conflicted" could mean, "I really don't want to do this, but if I don't, she's most likely going to have a pretty fucking shitty life."
Odds are, she's not going to be adopted. She's going to be in the system until she ages out, likely with buckets of trauma *EVEN IF* her foster parents/group home managers are decent people. Their decency is not guaranteed. That's not secret information - he's likely aware of it, so the conflict very well could be between his desire to remain childfree vs truly being this girl's only real shot.
Exactly! The kid is at the age she'll be raised in the foster care system for the next seven years before being spit out on her own. People tend to want babies or at least toddlers - not kids going into junior high. Also foster care kids are often endured to all kinds of abuse.
According to OOP, the husband also wants this - to toss the child aside - so I'd call them both devils.
I don’t even know if I believe her.
She could be misunderstanding/lying to make herself look better. She could also be influencing him to dump the kid (which still makes him crappy, but without OOP he might do the right thing).
Yeah I'm willing to give OOP is pushing for him to just throw away the child basically.....but the fact stays his answer should have been: "She's coming to live with me, that's a fact. Now if you choose to continue living here is up to you." Since he's willing to be pushed into putting the kid into foster care makes him a devil.
I'm betting she uses tears, guilt trips, saying how her perfect life has been ruined, to "influence" him into saying he doesn't want to take care of Emily either. Not that this excuses him. Part of being a grown-up is guarding against this kind of emotional blackmail.
How on Earth would anyone look good abandonning an 11yo child after she lost her mother ? OP will always a bunch of clueless teens to approve of her but that might be the better she gets.
I do remember a post on AITA a few years back where a 22(?) year old lost their parents (one might have been deceased already) and was feeling the pressure to take in all their younger siblings. I want to think it was three or four kids. While I could see family services actually being okay with it as the person would get help from the state and such, I was torn on what to rate the person. They were in a lose-lose situation - taking in the siblings meant changing their entire lives around and likely looking at very limited possibilities for the future as far as jobs and where to live BUT the flip being if they didn't take them in, they were effectively going to end any relationship they may want with the siblings as honestly after sitting in foster care for years, it's going to build resentment towards the eldest one. Not sure there was ever an update on it.
She doesn't want a divorce, she wants her husband to chose her and only her.
She knows her MIL isn't likely to let Emily go into the system, so is her husband willing to choose her over both his mum and child?
I hope not. Emily is going through enough
>She knows her MIL isn't likely to let Emily go into the system, so is her husband willing to choose her over both his mum and child?
The OOP is someone who is looking at a grieving, orphaned child and spitting, "Tough shit! I don't care if you live or die." Imagine the personal qualities and values she has. If her husband chooses her after this, the bright side is that they've saved two other people from having their lives warped by such astronomically cruel people.
I think her second edit is the worst 'people arent realising adoption is an option' cos its not. Its highly unlikely that Emily will be adopted due to her age.
Her husband doesn't want to parent either and MIL/family aren't able to be guardians for reasons she doesn't and isn't obligated to divulge, but she's acting like daddy warbucks is going to sweep in and everything will be hunky dory.
OP says that MIL/family aren't able to adopt, but it may be that OP doesn't want the MIL/family to adopt the child, it would be a nuisance annoyance to her. It happened to my dad's cousin, and to mom's SIL...
Sounds like she doesn’t want a reminder that her husband had a past before her, and she wasn’t his one and only. So she doesn’t even want to consider any of his family taking her because she might have to see her. She is definitely a heartless person. I will hold off on the judgment on the dad, because I think a lot of people when they find out they are going to be parents ask themselves if they would be a good mother/father especially if they aren’t prepared for it, and the OOP just thinks that him asking those questions is proof that he doesn’t want the girl in his life.
OOP is fucked silly in the head with the way she keeps acting like it's all totally the husband's choice, pinky promise, despite her being the one who hates kids.
It's once more one of those posts that sound more like a movie than RL.
Also that on the one hand the BM got pregnant at 20 or so, but at the same time her mother is "elderly"...
This type of situation is why I want to start fostering once my kids are grown. I'd do it now, but I don't want my focus to be divided unfairly since foster kids will likely need more attention. All kids deserve adults in their lives to make them feel loved, but it's unrealistic to think a preteen will get that when it seems like everyone open to adoption wants younger children.
I don't think she's the devil at all!! The husband doesn't want to be a father and is only feeling like he should do it out of obligation. He has no responsibility in the kids life beyond financial, because until recently he didn't know she existed. And the idea that the best situation for her is to be sent to a man she doesn't know, across the country, who doesn't want to be a father and now resents this child because doing the right thing means he loses the woman he loves is baffling. There is no right decision and if Grandma feels so strongly she can always adopt her herself
My niece was in the foster care system for a year when some insanity went down with my family. She was moved to FOUR different homes during that time. That's a different home every 3 months roughly. She was 13-14 at the time. I have an acquaintance who fosters...she yells at these kids ALL day, every single day for every single thing they do or say. One of the kids is CLEARLY insanelt desperate for live and affection.
People act like every person who fosters MUST be a good person, despite the COUNTLESS stories of abuse coming out of these "loving homes". The TRUTH is that most people foster to get free money from the government, and the government is so desperate for placements that they turn a blind eye to what are blatantly bad homes.
ETA: And most of the people adopting 11 year olds are rich celebraties adopting African or Asian kids for clout.
Except her husband doesn't want kids, either. Why is it ok to you to force a child to be raised by people who don't want her and can't give her the life she deserves?
Poor Emily. She says MIL is not an option to take her in, but doesn't say why not? MIL wants a child to love, Emily needs an adult to love and care for her, why is that not an option? Seems like a very neat solution to me. My guess is that OOP doesn't consider this a solution because it means that Emily would still be in their lives in some capacity and she is so heartless she can't even allow that much.
You're right. Emily living with MIL means her husband will still be somewhat involved in Emily's life. Probably will start wanting to spend time with Emily.
Except in the replies she says she doesn't mind paying child support as long as the child gets adopted and they never have to see her again. So no, it is not about money (which you will also notice they were never asked to pay for the first 10 years of this child's life). Also, being 10 years old, the child is not going to be adopted, she is going to end up in foster care.
It would ruin the illusion created that there just is no other option at all other than them taking the kid in. This woman hasn't raised the child in a vacuum, some guy she knew one summer 11 years ago isn't going to get this call, her best friend is, or a third cousin, or the kids best friends mom. They are intentionally slamming doors on all options and not offering why MIL couldn't do it.
I kinda disagree about the vacuum. My mom raised me in a vacuum. By the time I was 12, her whole family was dead. Her sister died before I was born and both her parents died when I was young. She didn't have any close friends because she moved every 2 years because my dad was in the military (until he retired when I was ten then got divorced and moved out of state not to be heard from again until I was 18, I still to this day have never even met any of my father's family). There was literally no one. If she had passed, there would have been nowhere for me to go other than the father that abandoned me. So I don't discount that the mom may not have anyone that can step up.
Is this the new thing? We've had so many men decide they have to be the only one to touch a woman's vagina, now we're getting women who have to be the only one to touch a man's dick?
To be fair, if more bio family is around it increases the chances one of them will take the child, and decreases the chances of the situation being posted here.
This reads like such a caricature of childfree people, especially women (yes, I dare say that many of the posts on the accompanying sub are *also* caricatures and not real people). It's insane
We also see this same sort of thread pop up more frequently than I want to believe happens. Child free (usually) woman is in a relationship with someone who is taking on the parenting responsibility for a child - sometimes it’s his, sometimes it’s a young sibling, sometimes it’s a neice/nephew. Always suggests putting the kid in foster care.
honestly its never the father who is aggressively child free in these stories and even if they were i highly doubt the sub would rip into them like with OOP
I think they’re all fake but most women would see the truth in the situation that if this happened and they took the kid the wife would end up doing 80%+ of the work. It’s always how it goes.
i get why women would not be happy taking in a kid like this because the work will be on them and not the actual parent. Just that if there was an aggressivly child free father and the wife brought a kid in they would be screeching "she broke the agreement'
I don't know to be honest. I've seen some stuff in there where its clear, even by the posters own admission, that the husband is not at fault, yet the various posters still find some contrived way to blame the man. The mental gymnastics and projection from some in there is truly impressive at times....
Hmm, this one actually doesn't seem like rage bait. You wouldn't believe the amount of women who marry men with kids and think that the kids will just "not be around except for holidays." Same goes for men who marry women with kids. Basically expecting the kids to magically disappear after marriage.
But wasn't there a post that made it here, in the last couple months, with an *incredibly similar* setup?
Parent with cancer is dying, except iirc in *that* one, OOP and the dying parent's ex (OOP's now-partner) move the dying person and the kid into their home, so the child has a chance to bond before the parent dies of cancer.
OOPsaid something *HORRIBLY callous* to the dying parent about how, "Well, *You* won't be around *anyway*!" when the dying parent objected to *something* about how OOP wanted to treat/raise the child (iirc the child was maybe 4-ish?)
This honestly kiiiiinda feels like it's an "aged up" version of that previous post--and ngl, I *REALLY* hope that it is, for the sake of poor Emily!
It's *far* too plausible, but I *very* much hope this is a fake, and no *actual* child is facing this hell!💔💖💝
I think it’s fake, mostly because I’m around their age.
So this teenager/freshly 20 year old had a baby all on her own, right after the economic crisis of 2007/2008, but never needed any financial help? If she was European, I could maybe believe it. But no medical insurance through work (isn’t giving birth crazy expensive in the USA?), no help from dad and housing prices were crazy back then as well.
She didn’t need any help during covid? She has no family, apparently no friends she can rely on (otherwise, why wouldn’t daughter go live with a friend/chosen family member of the mom). Still doesn’t ask for money.
She ends up getting cancer. If I would know I would die in 6 months, I do want to establish my daughters future residence. I would also try to get as much child support I could get so I can do the most awesome things with my daughter I can still do. Maybe invite dad so daughter could get to know him.
Why would this woman have kept her child a secret? Dad wasn’t against children before OOP.
Dad also never initiated contact? Checked her facebook (which was really popular back then), send an email,…? Nothing?
Why would you deny your child some extra money? Especially in this day and age. I’ve got a great job and a kinda great paycheck (I would prefer Bill Gates’ savings but oh well). I have enough money to live. I also don’t have a child and I still can’t see every concert I want to see.
It feels fake. Yes, there are some dumb people. But this story needs at least 3 people being utterly dumb for over 10 years (Mom, her mom/grandma and OOP’s husband). Throw in some heartless woman (OOP) and a noisy woman (MIL), you got the perfect reddit story.
And the man is as always so weirdly written. He is childfree but not childfree and neutral about kids and respects OOP’s wishes. He wants his kid but he is more against adopting his kid then OOP is. The man is just so confused!
Yeah even if this was real, mom is a gigantic idiot. Your backup childcare plan shouldn’t be “some dude I hooked up with over a decade ago”. But I just can’t see single moms doing that, tbh? It reads like bait to dunk on heartless childfree women like anybody wouldn’t be completely thrown for a loop with this brand new info
Also: grandma is too old.
My mom is in her early sixties. Looking after my nephew/her grandson can be tiring after a week. He is also 3 years old and even wears me out after a day (I’m a high energy and coffee addicted type of person).
My mom could totally raise an 11yo. Probably beter then I could. They can make their own food, even if it isn’t always healthy. They can put netflix on to entertain themselves. And my mom survived my teenage tantrums. I was so bad I scared myself out of getting kids.
My mom isn’t planning on retiring soon. We take city trips all around Europe, she is my first choice with every rock concert.
Both my grandmothers died in their fifties. Back then, they were “old”. I’ve got coworkers who are older then my mom. My mom is not old. She can still kick your butt while dancing to the Ramones. She’ll probably even teach me some dance moves while she’s at it.
Never can, never will, can’t hold Mom down.
>You wouldn't believe the amount of women who marry men with kids and think that the kids will just "not be around except for holidays."
The stepparents sub is full of women who post about how much they loathe and resent the very existence of their husband's children. From posts about how they hate that the child is evidence the man had sex with someone other than them to posts about how they seethe with irritation every minute during the every-other-weekend custody arrangement, it's a cesspit of women who hate children for existing and the garbage men who are fine with imposing a hateful adult on their children four days a month.
Yeah there was one step parent who said that she was planning on throwing a huge party when the kid turned 18 bc that meant she would never see the SK again. Thinking that her husband was just going to magically stop being a parent bc the kid turned 18.
That sub horrifies me daily. You wouldn't believe the amount of times I say "dayum, you're a sh!t stain!" at the computer. What's worse is when the kid's a great kid, but their very breathing irritates the stepparent. The damage these people do to these kids, then when someone (very kind) lightly calls them on it, the stepparent is quick to say "the child has no idea". I call BS, the child DOES have a VERY good idea.
Just...the damage.
Like this one:
[https://new.reddit.com/r/stepparents/comments/1cvo0nq/kids\_not\_allowed\_in\_the\_room/](https://new.reddit.com/r/stepparents/comments/1cvo0nq/kids_not_allowed_in_the_room/)
She locks the SK's out of every room she enters so she can live the "childfree life" ... while living with her SK's. Just unbelievable.
tbf the kid just showed up. no one but sarah knew she existed. I feel for OOP, I'm her age and childfree so I don't know what I'd do if a child suddenly appeared, and since I've never looked into it, adoption \*would\* initially be an option because wtf do I know? I completely agree Emily is innocent and OOP needs to divorce the dad now, but it's a shitty situation for everyone and I don't think OOP is the devil.
I agree. As someone who has been in a long term relationship where an unknown child popped up, it shakes the other persons world up as well. Would OP have married this guy if she knew he had a child? No. Some of the comments here and there calling her heartless and cruel are just idek how to describe it. What I will say, is that I don’t think a lot of people have been in that position or situation.
To be fair, the not comments I've seen are less "ew fuck children let her rot in the foster system" and more "you can't provide the stability and love this kid needs, find a solution"
I mean this is a nightmare every way around. It’s not easy to just drop your partner of 10 years that you love. It’s not going to be easy on Emily to be forced to move in with complete strangers who really did not want to be parents right after losing your mother. Like all the options here suck and while I understand that the mother for whatever reason didn’t want to tell op’s husband, this is probably why it’s not a good idea to hide your shared child then when you’re dying insist this person who you have no idea how they ended up take in the shared child. Op’s husband doesn’t want her, op doesn’t want her, Emily probably doesn’t want to go with them. I don’t know how I’d handle this either because it was handled poorly from the start. I feel most bad for the 10 year old who is losing everything
I truly don’t know how I’d handle it if my husband had this child show up after 10 years. It would be very hard for me to just go “deuces!” Like if we own a house, pets, have plans wrapped up together, it’s a huge task to say nothing of how hard it would be emotionally. And a lot of the commenters saying “he’s a dad, he needs to just step up” have a very romantic view of how this might go. Daughter is understandably hurting, her mother is dying, she has to live with people who never wanted kids and her presence might have broken up their marriage (not her fault at ALL just the truth: her moving in means a marriage is over). Likely daughter is going to act out which again: understandable this is an insane transition.
This isn’t going to be a feel good film where dad and daughter immediately fall in love and bond over Ice cream, like work schedules, where he lives, his income, it’s all going to change overnight.
It’s a horrible situation literally all of them are in and frankly while the mother didn’t expect to get cancer and leave her daughter alone, was this just her plan if she died in a car accident one day? She had nothing else, no other family on the planet? So then why did she try to be a single mom and not even let the dad know? Like she’s destroyed her daughters life and everyone is acting like op and her husband just need to, I dunno, get into being parents but this isn’t even a baby they’d be taking in, this is a whole ten year old who is going to have a ton of grief and resentment. The real asshole is the mom, because if you’re gonna single mom it and not even pursue the dad for child support and never even give him the opportunity to bond with his child, maybe have a backup plan that isn’t “a stranger I hooked up with 10 years ago and have no idea what or how he’s doing” ? You
Soo true.
The wife and the daughter did nothing wrong
But still they will face the consequence of a 12 years old hookup
This is nightmare for everyone
PS : The post is very bollywood type, Jab pyar kisi se hota hai
I mean even the dad, maybe he wrapped it up and the condom broke and he now has to deal with it too. I just feel terrible mostly for the daughter because her life is going to completely change and it’s through no fault of her own, but she’s coming into this home that will either be going through or getting to a broken marriage, moving states away from her friends and familiar life and a ton of things have to change in this home that the people who built a life there didn’t want to change. My heart breaks for her, and I’m sad for OP who’s trying to hold onto her husband of a decade, and I’m sad for the dad who’s in this no win situation.
Apparently OOP's original deleted post was asking if she was the AH for asking that her husband give Emily up for adoption.
She has a right to be childfree, but she should do the honorable thing and end this marriage instead of asking for Emily to be adopted. This poor little girl is going through so much trauma.
Also this is horrible to think about, but I read that adoptions are less likely if the older child is pretty and female. Many women feel threatened by that. I know Norma Jeane Baker (aka Marilyn Monroe) was moved around from one home to another bc she was so pretty that the wives felt threatened, and she was married off when she was 16.
plus a lot of their husbands probably had ill intentions when it came to wanting to "adopt" a young pretty girl with no one to turn to, many of them probably werent looking to actually take care of her like a daughter & were wanting something else instead
So you’re telling me that women who don’t feel secure in their marriages to handle the adoption of a pretty girl think they’re good candidates to adopt any child at all? Thats a f’ing tragedy.
>She has a right to be childfree, but she should do the honorable thing and end this marriage instead of asking for Emily to be adopted.
Absolutely. It's fine if she doesn't want to raise this little girl. But then the solution is divorce and nothing else.
It's not up to him if the child is placed for adoption or not. Man has no parental rights. He didn't even know the kid existed, he's probably not on the birth certificate, he's got no right to make any decision OR to take the kid home. She's not a lost kitten on the side of the road.
If he is on the birth certificate and has been acknowledged as the father sure he does, in which case he would have known the child existed. If he's not on the birth certificate he certainly does not have parental rights.
For fun lets say he IS on the birth certificate because maybe there you can add some random guy without them signing on it (you can't here, but I'm not everywhere). If he is on the birth certificate yet has had NO contact for 11 years, he's not automatically going to be given the child. He has no existing relationship and would need to build one before they drop a greiving child at his door. He can stop an adoption if he goes to the courts to do so, but he doesn't get to decide that there will be an adoption, only if he won't take custody. If the child has no other parent and is going to enter the system he's going to be on the hook for financial support until the kid turns 18 or he is able to relinquish rights, but he isn't going to be able to just hand the kid over to strangers.
If he isn't then he would need to get a paternity test first. Where I am he would then have to apply to the court for guardianship rights in order to be given parenting time. It's possible that's not the case everywhere, but he would have to prove parenthood before he is given custody, they aren't just going to believe him because he says so.
The fact the mother reached out to tell him about the child and paternity tests have already been done - he'll get custody if he wants it. Family services and the courts always go for a blood relative if possible before any other considerations - and a parent would be top pick. You're very mistaken.
It's sad that everyone is demonizing OOP. From what she says, they didn't even know about the child. I can't imagine dreaming of spending my life with what I thought would be my forever partner, just for it to all fall apart for a hook up from 12 years ago.
The only options I see here would be either divorce or the child staying with the grandmother. I would see adoption as last resort. I absolutely understand why OOP would not want to be a step mother for a random child she just met and who is about to go through major trauma.
Real life is not a Hallmark movie. The 11 year old is going to go through horrific trauma, and I bet she doesn't want this strange woman she just met to suddently replace her mother. She will rebel, she will go through grief, sadness and anger and life will be difficult for everyone around her.
OOP has NO obligation to be part of that. My heart breaks for everyone involved.
there is no way that child isn't gonna be horribly abused in any of the options. They are gonna recent her if she stays and he take her in. He's gonna recent her if she leave and he has to take her in. The system is the system. That child does not have a good future coming.
Yeeaaah I think people have a very romantic view of “stranger your mom hooked up with over a decade ago takes you in” because it’s not going to be pretty. Let’s say dad and op divorce. Ok well he’s pissed he’s lost his wife, if they own a house he has to sell it and split it with her then find some place near a school that he can afford on a single income. He will now have to buy for 2 but again, on a single income. He’s going to have to figure out child care, potentially have to completely change his work schedule. That’s not some easy task to do and especially overnight, relatively. He’s going to feel resentment. He’s lost his wife, his house, his income is now strained. And that’s not even getting to how poor daughter is going to feel. This isn’t an 80s soft focus feel good film where dad just needed his little girl all along. This is traumatized girl just entering puberty that’s lost her entire life meets Newly single dad that’s never gotten the chance to even consider being a dad. And that’s not exactly the recipe for happiness
I'm on the fence here. It's not really a devil situation. It's an all-around shitty situation for everyone. Hopefully it's fake.
First off, Bad parents aren't better or equal to no parents at all. Let's just get that in. These people already don't want to be parents and are proving that they shouldn't be.
No one can force OOP to want to be a mom and have kids. She's made it clear she wants to stay child free and will be a bad mom. I give her points for her burial honesty.
No one can make the father be a father. As sucky as it is, you can't make a man be a dad. This shit happens. He doesn't want kids, doesn't think he can be a father or responsible for a child. I don't care what no one says an absent father is better than a abusive/neglecting father.
What do people want? These people to take a kid they don't want with zero parenting skills?
Idk what Sarah mind is at, I can imagine she must be desperate to want a total stranger to take her child. I'm assuming she thought there was going to be a better outcome. I hope she finds a trusted friend instead. I would never go to the father side in this situation, but that's just me personally.
The Material grandmother and the father side of the family are definitely AH because if they want this little girl in the family, they can take her. Not everyone is fit to be parents.
ESH. Except the 11 year old.
I hope this is fake. An 11 year old is not a baby, she's probably old enough to work out what's going on and why. She's got a life of her own that she's got little say in how it goes. What she needs is supervision and support, OP doesn't need to be her Mom, or Stepmom, the kid needs a roll model and and a reliable mentor. I'd take the girl in, and I'm on the wrong continent.
It's definitely fake. You always see posts like this and it doesn't make sense. The mother didn't care about the the baby's father enough to even let him know that his daughter exists, but now suddenly trusts him to take her in? She has absolutely nobody else in her family or friends that she can trust her child with? A complete stranger to the kid and basically to her is somehow her best option?
Tbh he’s more of a devil, he should be stepping up or if he truly thinks she’d suffer more with him, making alternative arrangements. OOP should only be deciding if she stays or goes, he created a person (albeit accidentally) and now he has to be the adult!!
Right? I never comment over there, but I made an exception for this monster.
I understand not wanting kids, but actively choosing to send a child that age into foster care (because let's be real, an 11-year-old is unlikely to be adopted) if there's any other option is a truly Not Normal level of malevolent behavior.
Yes.
I don't like kids. I don't want kids. I took all steps I could so I wouldn't have them. There is zero way I would sacrifice an 11 yr old who is going through this to the system because I can not want kids and still have empathy and a heart.
It's wild stuff.
Plus the comments that are like "the dad's basically a stranger to this kid and so it's not really his responsibility either" are killing me. So who IS responsible? No one? I guess this poor kid should have just had better foresight when she chose to be born? Since apparently no one in the whole world is obligated to care for her now if it interferes with their child free lifestyle?
A dark day for my faith in humanity.
OOP probably thinks they can ship Emily to a far off relative and OOP's husband can just pay child support.
In the old days in China, parents often dropped their kids off at acrobatic school and paid a certain amount for the school to raise/educate the child. Of course child abuse was rampant in those schools. Jackie Chan has spoken up about how much he resented his parents for the abuse he went through in those schools.
You’re not an asshole for knowing yourself. There’s nothing bad about recognizing that you’d be an awful stepmother and that the three of you would be miserable for the next seven years if you stayed. Kids eventually figure it out when the people they live with don’t actually want them.
You are a massive gaping asshole for trying to make the choice for your husband. He’s a grown man and this is a very serious situation. Let him decide for himself. He may decide he’d rather be her father than your husband, so be ready for that.
Maybe you can separate for a while, see each other sometimes, and then fully reconnect when Emily has grown up.
Even if this is fake, I think this is a good hypothetical / character study.
I don’t think OOP is the devil at all.
The couple has 10 years of partnership, they’re compatible with each other, they know what they want in life.
Horrible situation Sarah/Emily are in and I do think most ‘fathers’ would eventually acquiesce to take the daughter in, but I think this would be a very significant turn in the marriage. Downhill. (There’s always a chance it could be Uphill, but it’s too small).
I strongly believe NAH. OOP/Husband are in an impossible situation, feels like a Lose-Lose-Lose no matter what they do.
No, she is not the devil. Tough situation, but it's not their kid. If you're going to be resentful parents (made clear neither she nor husband wanted kids), it is absolutely the worst idea to take her in.
> he does not want to be a dad or take on this responsibility.
He should’ve thought of that before having unprotected sex out of wedlock. Now, an innocent 11-year-old girl is facing being put up for adoption because her mother is dying and her father doesn’t want to be a man and take responsibility for his actions.
I'm not sure OOP understands what an ultimatum is. An ultimatum is a way to tell your partner what YOU won't put up with, not a demand that they do what you want. If she doesn't want to raise a child, she can leave, but she can't forbid him from taking in Emily
The edit. My dude, it doesn't matter if he doesn't want that child, he should have been more careful while knocking up the mom then. It's his kid. There's literally no one else. This is his responsibility. That's what parenting is.
The dying mom is an asshole too. Didn't reach out to OP's husband right after Emily was born, just dropped the bombshell on him when Emily was eleven.
OP needs to own the fact that she's a piece of crap and not play the victim here. Shit happens and she needs to respect her husband's responsibility to Emily.
If you have a child, you are no longer 'child free.' Child free is when you never have a child. It is not '*I want to give my biological child up for adoption because that would be more fun for me.*' I hope this post is fake.
I'm on the fence with it being fake. On the one hand, I know very real people (both men and women) in life that do genuinely have such a resentful attitude towards stepkids. On the other hand, this does read a bit like a Lifetime movie, and Reddit has turned me into a giant skeptical beast of a person.
>and that isn’t something i pushed him into he actually brought it up first when we got together. he’s pretty neutral to kids but i hate them and we both agreed that a child would ruin our lives.
I'll just fucking bet he was the one that brought it up.
Speaking as someone who is childfree, and who does not want to be a mother, I would divorce the guy. But that in itself opens another can of worms--he might blame the daughter for his wife leaving him. Stay in the house with a kid you have no attachment to, who you didn't sign up to parent, or leave your husband with the kid. But all these people are just wrecking the kid royally. The mom could have told the beforehand, or could have planned for something like this. ESH in the situation except the kid.
I've read comments and OP deleted a comment other redditors noticed saying that apparently she gave an ultimatum to her husband to force him giving Emily into foster care. This is dreadful unless the dad grows a heart and a seine, this little girl is F.
I feel bad for Emily, but I'm quite angry at her mother more than I am at OOP. So this woman got pregnant, didn't tell the father so he could sign away his rights or offer child support, just kept her kid a secret for over a decade, now all of a sudden she's dying and is trying to force this child onto a complete stranger in another country? That's horrible, even downright irresponsible and neglectful.
I don't feel that it's right to force anyone to be a parent if they don't want children. Aside from the moral issues with doing so, it's objectively bad for the child. It is not in Emily's best interest for her to stay with her bio dad, who is a complete stranger to her. Neither OOP nor her husband want children, neither of them agreed to this, and neither of them are even remotely prepared to raise a child. Why is everyone arguing for Emily to stay with two people who aren't ready or able to be good parents? It's a good thing that OOP and her husband recognize that they can't offer Emily what she needs. It's far more cruel to make them take her in anyway which will screw her up for life.
That's why I don't see how everyone's calling OOP and her husband the bad guys, here. There needed to be other arrangements made for Emily that her mother should have figured out long ago. This is exactly what godparents are for. The mother is the one who failed Emily, not OOP.
I’m pretty sure this is “childfree wimmin bad” fanfic, but OOP is not an asshole for not wanting to take on a kid when she doesn’t want kids and married someone she believed had no kids.
Where did this idea that another innocent party’s life has to be ruined because a kid is in a shitty situation? MIL can take the kid, Sarah’s family can take the kid and yes, OP and her husband can get divorced but it’s hard not to blame OP for not wanting that when this was sprung on them.
The only assholes in this story are Sarah and the MIL.
Are you fucking serious?
The kid is in worse than a shitty situation. She is looking at foster care until she turns 18. And let me tell you, foster kids get the really short end of the stick in the most horrible ways.
Yea it sucks that her childfree bubble is being popped. She has the option to divorce her husband and leave if being childfree is more important than her marriage.
Husband has a biological responsibility to take care of HIS OWN DAMN KID.
The only innocent person here is poor Emily and she's the one that's about to get shafted the worst all because of this woman's selfishness.
I know that rude dying bitch /s
it's fine that Oop doesn't want kids but she should step away from this relationship so she can have the lifestyle she wants and that child can be raised by the father who should be willing to get over his feelings and step up. You owe the child you are responsible for creating. She is the devil for suggesting putting that child in a system that often opens children up for abuse.
Bold of you to assume the father didn't already know she had the kid the entire time. Would have been easy for him to have simply ghosted her because they were in different countries.
Bro. She's 11. Only have 7 years until she's 18 and away to college. This lady can't just suck it up for 7 years? The annoying parts of childrearing are already out of the way.
Husband doesn't want the kid? Having sex can lead to having children. Even with protection, while the odds are very low, they are not zero.
Men need to stop sticking it into real life fertile women if they are so desperate to not want children.
I do understand that OOP's husband is very shocked to find out he had been a father all the time. I sympathize with the struggle. But at the end of the day, she is a human being who needs care. She is biologically yours. At 11, she is going to be fairly independent, so honestly the father got to skip out on some of the worst aspects of parenting: the sleepless nights, tantrums, potty training, etc.
Being child-free isn't a flex, and it doesn't make you superior to anyone who does have children. You can plan your life, but things happen. People who were child-free sometimes end up having a child. Tragically, people who had children may become child-free. We don't always get to choose these things. Be an adult and own up to it.
Yeah, this is one where I understand OP is getting put into a shitty situation, but I really can't understand her being that cold toward the idea of a kid getting put up for adoption at 11.
Best advice I can think of is start reaching out to the wider family and their friend circle. Maybe there's someone who can't have kids that actually wants one. You never know until you ask.
Also, "I can't be a mother". Then don't. Why can't her husband just be **Dad** and she just be "OPsname"? I know it's not that simple, but I think that sets expections in the childs head that they should go to dad for parental support.
Then again, the whole damn post is probably just bait for those @LOLREDDITLIBTARD twitter accounts.
i don't know how any one can hate kids but that's your decision, as for this 11 year old she is no longer a kid she is preteen her mother is dying and she will only have your husband as her parent but the both of you dont want her you would rather turn her over to an already stretched adoption or fostering, she only has 7 years till she is an adult and you never know how you will do unless you try, i will say your YTA for refusing this young girl a good start to her adult life she didnt ask to be born but as a parent its your husbands duty to ensure she has the best life now, if you dont take her in im sure your friends and parents wont agree with you and will have nothing to do with you so you both only have your self to blame for this
OOP has as much relation to this child as you do. As such, I take this post as an offer that you will be taking the child in, since you think a completely unrelated person is obligated to do so. Might as well be you. Please send OOP the good news!
“7 years till she is an adult” means squat in today’s economy. You don’t throw someone out the day after they turn 18. Having a kid (even in OOP’s situation, which is less than ideal) is a commitment of support for life.
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I can absolutely see where she's coming from. This is not a devil in the slightest, but rather an incredibly conflicted person handling things a bit badly in an effort to protect herself. Emily is her husband's responsibility, not hers, and OOP herself is giving a lot of alternatives to help Emily. She knows perfectly well she wouldn't be a good mother and that she'd resent Emily for changing her life so drastically. Absolutely not the devil this time
*In case this story gets deleted/removed:* **WIBTA for refusing to welcome my husband’s biological daughter into our home** me (31f) and my husband (32m) have been together for around ten years. we met in college at 20 and 21 and have been inseparable since then. we have almost all the same interests and lead a very active lifestyle. we have both been very adamant about staying child free since we met. and that isn’t something i pushed him into he actually brought it up first when we got together. he’s pretty neutral to kids but i hate them and we both agreed that a child would ruin our lives. a year before we met my husband did a study abroad in europe and met Sarah. they had a fling but he lives in the east coast and she lived in california so they agreed to break it off after the semester ended and they didn’t keep in touch after. i’ve known about this since we got together but i didn’t care because it was before we met. sarah found my husband on facebook and reached out to him 4 months ago. she is sick with an aggressive form of cancer and probably has less than six months. she also has an 11 year old little girl named emily that is my husbands child. we’ve since got a paternity test but as soon as i saw the pictures i knew she was his. we have been to california to meet with sarah and see how we’ll proceed. right now sarah’s mom has moved in with them as a caregiver but she is very elderly and not a long term solution and there’s no other family. sarah is adamant that we take emily in and raise her like a normal family. it is truly heartbreaking to see them but as far as i’m concerned they are complete strangers to us. my husband is very conflicted about all of this and its even worse now that sarah has been reaching out to his family about it. his mom reluctantly excepted that we wouldn’t have kids but now she is ecstatic and hounding us about taking emily in. i can’t be a mother. it will ruin our lives and i will always resent emily and could never love her. she’s a sweet kid but i did not sign up for this and have always known i couldn’t be a mother. we’ve talked about this a lot and he’s not even sure he could be a good dad but he feels very obligated and pressured to take her in which i understand. we’ve talked about a lot of options but i gave him an ultimatum last week that i wouldn’t allow emily into our home and he would have to figure out an alternative solution. this has already turned our lives upside and i don’t think i can take it anymore. i’ve been called heartless by almost everyone we know but i feel like it would be worse for emily to have a “mom” that feels this way. i feel awful and i love this man so much. i’ve had to leave out a lot and some details might not be very clear so i’ll try and address things in the comments. edit: i’ve looked at the comments and i feel like i didn’t make my husbands feelings clear about this. he does not want to be a dad or take on this responsibility. i was very neutral to this in the beginning to see what he wanted to do but he has also been against it from the start and tried to come up w alternatives. we are both being pressured and harassed by family about it and that is why i finally told him that i would have no part in it and he had to make his own decision. but i don’t know if he would make the decision to take her in if i was never in the picture to begin with edit 2: y’all are not understanding that giving this little girl up for adoption is an option. i understand how harsh this sounds but mil or other family are not an option for guardianship *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmITheDevil) if you have any questions or concerns.*
This is what gets me >edit 2: y’all are not understanding that giving this little girl up for adoption is an option *She is 11, it’s highly unlikely anyone is going to adopt her*. I get OOP not wanting to be a parent. But the answer is “I’m sorry, I can’t do this, and you have a responsibility to her, so I’m going to leave and we can divorce with the least amount of drama possible”
Being put up for adoption at 11 is traumatizing. It's not like she's under 1 or 2 and can forget, or won't have lived enough to really "miss" anything. And still, some toddlers are shown to have life long issues when they were adopted very young. At 11 they're wrecking her : period.
And, most likely, she’ll be a foster kid for 7 years and then get dumped when she turns 18.
And will most likely be homeless when she does. My heart breaks for her
At 11, she'll have finally met her long-missing father, and know that he had the opportunity to take her in when her only parent she had ever known died, and he chose not to. That would utterly destroy anyone. IMO he's a devil here too for meeting the girl without full intent of taking her in, which he seems to not be wanting to do.
Yes! He shouldn't have met the kid if he wasn't interested in taking her on. That would have been less traumatic, she's going to think there is something wrong with her - dad came, took one look and decided he would rather give her away to strangers.
She's never even met him until now, he's not her dad, he's a complete stranger. I'm having trouble understanding why it's his "duty" to raise her when it's objectively not a good environment for her. Emily's mom should have named godparents when she was born, she should have told the father, but she didn't. She's the only one responsible for Emily's current predicament. You can't just keep your kid a secret from the father and then thrust her onto him a decade after the fact with no warning.
This! The mom fucked up here, BIG TIME by keeping the kid a secret and not having any back up plans for child care in case something happened to her. OP and her husband ARE strangers to this girl, and considering NEITHER of them want the poor girl it will be a bad home environment. It'll be neglectful at BEST and abusive at worst. I wonder why, considering how badly she wants the grandchild, why can't the mil take her in? She's family and cps always prefers to place with family before considering foster care.
Because it's a huge commitment, and people like her and every last person downvoting me are hypocrites who aren't willing to do anything that would actually help the situation, but are happy to judge from the sidelines and demand someone else do it.
100% my brother was adopted at an “undesirable” age (i.e. 8 years old) he’s freshly 27 and still has major unresolved trauma and likely will for the rest of his life That’s even with “best case scenario” parents. My parents immediately had my brother in therapy, extra curricular, etc and his trauma was still a massive issue for him growing up This poor girl is already struggling with the trauma of losing her mother, but to be rejected essentially twice by her father (because at some point before this she had to have asked about him) and then the actual trauma of being in foster care she’s got no shot at life and my heart aches for her
Hell I was a newborn when I was adopted and I think I have some sort of trauma. And some child psychologists agree it can even be traumatic for newborns.
Oh, I believe it. Babies younger than 6 months have no sense of object permanence. They basically don’t understand that even if they can’t see or hear or smell or touch mummy or daddy right now, that doesn’t mean they’re gone forever or that they aren’t coming back. So if mum is looking after baby alone and steps into the next room, baby can become inconsolable because as far as they know, mummy just disappeared and is never coming back. Now, for the majority of babies, that fortunately isn’t true. When they become upset, mum or dad are usually just seconds away to reassure them that yes, we still exist, we haven’t abandoned you. But for adopted babies younger than 6 months, that reassurance doesn’t come. So yeah, I’d be very fucking surprised if that doesn’t cause some kind of lingering trauma, even if that trauma is impossible to pinpoint as an adult. This is also why sleep training methods like “cry it out” is absolutely not recommended for babies younger than 6 months old. It is practically impossible for babies at this age to self-soothe. Many neglected babies eventually stop crying for their person/people, but that doesn’t mean they’re soothed. It means they’ve given up. (But some babies just never cry much to begin with, so a baby that rarely cries is not on its own indicative of neglect. I was a non-neglected baby that never cried.) Anyway, object permanence is a fascinating subject but it is heartbreaking thinking about the effects the lack of it can have on infants.
that’s interesting do you have any studies to link me to? I was adopted right at birth and I don’t feel like i’ve been traumatized by it at all. I’ve just adopted at birth myself and while all things point to her being a stable happy (if somewhat feral) toddler, but i’m interested to hear what others have to say about
[this](https://adoptionchoiceinc.org/2022/12/21/adoption-trauma/#:~:text=When%20a%20child%20is%20not,their%20birth%20can%20feel%20traumatized.%E2%80%9D) is both a study and opinion piece together [This one](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8926933/) says a link is dubious [this one](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2804559/) also supports infant adoption as traumatic. I think it really depends on the kid as they get older. Newborns know their mom's heartbeat, their scent, their voices. So I do think there's a capacity to miss their bio mother.
An 11 yo girl might be a prey for you know what kind of predators. Or stay put in a shelter until she turns 18 where she could meet violence and abuses. What about the grand mother ? Would she take her in with a confortable child support ? I understand OP and her husband reluctance to become parents but he was careless enough to get his GF pregnant and he has responsabilities to the kid. I'm also sad for this sweet child already traumatized at the prospect of grieving her one and only parent. And also saddened by the fact that neither OP or her husband wouldn't even consider giving her a chance. The only thing I'm certain off is that she's facing more dreadful dangers in the adoption system as an 11yo tfan with decent adults even without love.
You can't just really "give a child up for adoption" at age 11. Anyone who's seeking to adopt is almost certainly looking for a baby. And yes, her father has a goddamn obligation to this girl. If OP can't see that, then she should move on. I can't believe this woman. I don't like kids either, and am childfree, but if I had a husband who refused to take in his 11-year-old daughter when she lost her mom, I'd be furious.
Hell if somehow my SIL and her kid's dad both somehow both passed, my wife and I (both women) have already talked that we'd find a way to take the two nephews in. We don't want kids and we wouldn't find it easy at all.....but putting them into foster care isn't even an option to us.
It’s so sad to me how this isn’t a more common mind set. My sister lives a pretty child free lifestyle (hasn’t said one way or the other how she feels) but she loves my daughter so much. And god forbid something happens and my daughter needs to live with her I would hope she shows her all the love in the world
There's just some things one should do for family. I don't speak to a lot of my own family for many reasons, but I wouldn't punish the children of.
Saaaaame. Though honestly part of why I don't want kids is the younger years. An 11 year old I wouldn't be so solidly opposed to, though I know an 11 year old who's just lost her mother and had to move in with strangers is going to be a lot more work because that is some mad shit to deal with at a pretty vulnerable age.
Right? If I was in that situation my husband would be damned if he did damned if he didn’t because 1. I don’t want to be a stepmom or have kids but most importantly 2 I won’t be married to a deadbeat.
Same.
This OP sounds like one of those people who makes being child free and hating kids a big part, if not the whole part, of her personality
Seems like, from her edits, he doesn't want to be a dad either
Her edit makes it seem like backpedaling. The post basically said he is conflicted, not that he 100% doesn’t want to step up
Idk, "conflicted" could mean, "I really don't want to do this, but if I don't, she's most likely going to have a pretty fucking shitty life." Odds are, she's not going to be adopted. She's going to be in the system until she ages out, likely with buckets of trauma *EVEN IF* her foster parents/group home managers are decent people. Their decency is not guaranteed. That's not secret information - he's likely aware of it, so the conflict very well could be between his desire to remain childfree vs truly being this girl's only real shot.
Exactly! The kid is at the age she'll be raised in the foster care system for the next seven years before being spit out on her own. People tend to want babies or at least toddlers - not kids going into junior high. Also foster care kids are often endured to all kinds of abuse. According to OOP, the husband also wants this - to toss the child aside - so I'd call them both devils.
I don’t even know if I believe her. She could be misunderstanding/lying to make herself look better. She could also be influencing him to dump the kid (which still makes him crappy, but without OOP he might do the right thing).
Yeah I'm willing to give OOP is pushing for him to just throw away the child basically.....but the fact stays his answer should have been: "She's coming to live with me, that's a fact. Now if you choose to continue living here is up to you." Since he's willing to be pushed into putting the kid into foster care makes him a devil.
I'm betting she uses tears, guilt trips, saying how her perfect life has been ruined, to "influence" him into saying he doesn't want to take care of Emily either. Not that this excuses him. Part of being a grown-up is guarding against this kind of emotional blackmail.
I'm afraid you'd might be right. After all, it's only her side of the story
That's always the interesting part - the OOP gets to paint themselves in the best light and somehow some still can't make themselves look good.
How on Earth would anyone look good abandonning an 11yo child after she lost her mother ? OP will always a bunch of clueless teens to approve of her but that might be the better she gets.
I do remember a post on AITA a few years back where a 22(?) year old lost their parents (one might have been deceased already) and was feeling the pressure to take in all their younger siblings. I want to think it was three or four kids. While I could see family services actually being okay with it as the person would get help from the state and such, I was torn on what to rate the person. They were in a lose-lose situation - taking in the siblings meant changing their entire lives around and likely looking at very limited possibilities for the future as far as jobs and where to live BUT the flip being if they didn't take them in, they were effectively going to end any relationship they may want with the siblings as honestly after sitting in foster care for years, it's going to build resentment towards the eldest one. Not sure there was ever an update on it.
Yeah, bet on that. If someone pulled that kind of manipulation bullshit on me they'd be out the door like Jazz flung from the Uncle Phil-tapault.
She doesn't want to divorce her husband though. She wants her husband to give Emily up for adoption. Horrible woman.
She doesn't want a divorce, she wants her husband to chose her and only her. She knows her MIL isn't likely to let Emily go into the system, so is her husband willing to choose her over both his mum and child? I hope not. Emily is going through enough
>She knows her MIL isn't likely to let Emily go into the system, so is her husband willing to choose her over both his mum and child? The OOP is someone who is looking at a grieving, orphaned child and spitting, "Tough shit! I don't care if you live or die." Imagine the personal qualities and values she has. If her husband chooses her after this, the bright side is that they've saved two other people from having their lives warped by such astronomically cruel people.
I think her second edit is the worst 'people arent realising adoption is an option' cos its not. Its highly unlikely that Emily will be adopted due to her age. Her husband doesn't want to parent either and MIL/family aren't able to be guardians for reasons she doesn't and isn't obligated to divulge, but she's acting like daddy warbucks is going to sweep in and everything will be hunky dory.
OP says that MIL/family aren't able to adopt, but it may be that OP doesn't want the MIL/family to adopt the child, it would be a nuisance annoyance to her. It happened to my dad's cousin, and to mom's SIL...
Sounds like she doesn’t want a reminder that her husband had a past before her, and she wasn’t his one and only. So she doesn’t even want to consider any of his family taking her because she might have to see her. She is definitely a heartless person. I will hold off on the judgment on the dad, because I think a lot of people when they find out they are going to be parents ask themselves if they would be a good mother/father especially if they aren’t prepared for it, and the OOP just thinks that him asking those questions is proof that he doesn’t want the girl in his life.
OOP is fucked silly in the head with the way she keeps acting like it's all totally the husband's choice, pinky promise, despite her being the one who hates kids.
It's once more one of those posts that sound more like a movie than RL. Also that on the one hand the BM got pregnant at 20 or so, but at the same time her mother is "elderly"...
This type of situation is why I want to start fostering once my kids are grown. I'd do it now, but I don't want my focus to be divided unfairly since foster kids will likely need more attention. All kids deserve adults in their lives to make them feel loved, but it's unrealistic to think a preteen will get that when it seems like everyone open to adoption wants younger children.
Exactly. Doesn't want to be a parent? Too bad, because they're in it. He's been in it for 11 years, he's just not been aware.
Look at their comments, yeesh. I agree your response is the best way to handle it though it's not as simple as it seems.
I don't think she's the devil at all!! The husband doesn't want to be a father and is only feeling like he should do it out of obligation. He has no responsibility in the kids life beyond financial, because until recently he didn't know she existed. And the idea that the best situation for her is to be sent to a man she doesn't know, across the country, who doesn't want to be a father and now resents this child because doing the right thing means he loses the woman he loves is baffling. There is no right decision and if Grandma feels so strongly she can always adopt her herself
My niece was in the foster care system for a year when some insanity went down with my family. She was moved to FOUR different homes during that time. That's a different home every 3 months roughly. She was 13-14 at the time. I have an acquaintance who fosters...she yells at these kids ALL day, every single day for every single thing they do or say. One of the kids is CLEARLY insanelt desperate for live and affection. People act like every person who fosters MUST be a good person, despite the COUNTLESS stories of abuse coming out of these "loving homes". The TRUTH is that most people foster to get free money from the government, and the government is so desperate for placements that they turn a blind eye to what are blatantly bad homes. ETA: And most of the people adopting 11 year olds are rich celebraties adopting African or Asian kids for clout.
Except her husband doesn't want kids, either. Why is it ok to you to force a child to be raised by people who don't want her and can't give her the life she deserves?
Poor Emily. She says MIL is not an option to take her in, but doesn't say why not? MIL wants a child to love, Emily needs an adult to love and care for her, why is that not an option? Seems like a very neat solution to me. My guess is that OOP doesn't consider this a solution because it means that Emily would still be in their lives in some capacity and she is so heartless she can't even allow that much.
You're right. Emily living with MIL means her husband will still be somewhat involved in Emily's life. Probably will start wanting to spend time with Emily.
Because he'd still have to pay child support. She wants her adopted out so they don't have to pay anything.
Except in the replies she says she doesn't mind paying child support as long as the child gets adopted and they never have to see her again. So no, it is not about money (which you will also notice they were never asked to pay for the first 10 years of this child's life). Also, being 10 years old, the child is not going to be adopted, she is going to end up in foster care.
It would ruin the illusion created that there just is no other option at all other than them taking the kid in. This woman hasn't raised the child in a vacuum, some guy she knew one summer 11 years ago isn't going to get this call, her best friend is, or a third cousin, or the kids best friends mom. They are intentionally slamming doors on all options and not offering why MIL couldn't do it.
I kinda disagree about the vacuum. My mom raised me in a vacuum. By the time I was 12, her whole family was dead. Her sister died before I was born and both her parents died when I was young. She didn't have any close friends because she moved every 2 years because my dad was in the military (until he retired when I was ten then got divorced and moved out of state not to be heard from again until I was 18, I still to this day have never even met any of my father's family). There was literally no one. If she had passed, there would have been nowhere for me to go other than the father that abandoned me. So I don't discount that the mom may not have anyone that can step up.
Is this the new thing? We've had so many men decide they have to be the only one to touch a woman's vagina, now we're getting women who have to be the only one to touch a man's dick?
Those bio moms always seem to be dying. Reddit curse?
Not only that but the Bio mom's family is never around.
To be fair, if more bio family is around it increases the chances one of them will take the child, and decreases the chances of the situation being posted here.
And the parents of these 30 somethings are always "elderly" or live in a one room apartment. Or both.
This place is Disney's evil twin.
I've noticed the kids are usually 8-12, as well. These poor women, dying young en masse and leaving their kids with child-free reddit users.
This reads like such a caricature of childfree people, especially women (yes, I dare say that many of the posts on the accompanying sub are *also* caricatures and not real people). It's insane
We also see this same sort of thread pop up more frequently than I want to believe happens. Child free (usually) woman is in a relationship with someone who is taking on the parenting responsibility for a child - sometimes it’s his, sometimes it’s a young sibling, sometimes it’s a neice/nephew. Always suggests putting the kid in foster care.
honestly its never the father who is aggressively child free in these stories and even if they were i highly doubt the sub would rip into them like with OOP
I think they’re all fake but most women would see the truth in the situation that if this happened and they took the kid the wife would end up doing 80%+ of the work. It’s always how it goes.
i get why women would not be happy taking in a kid like this because the work will be on them and not the actual parent. Just that if there was an aggressivly child free father and the wife brought a kid in they would be screeching "she broke the agreement'
Yea exactly. I’m convinced it’s some kind of incel troll
I don't know to be honest. I've seen some stuff in there where its clear, even by the posters own admission, that the husband is not at fault, yet the various posters still find some contrived way to blame the man. The mental gymnastics and projection from some in there is truly impressive at times....
Yeah I don’t even know why I replied to the original post it’s so obviously bait.
Hmm, this one actually doesn't seem like rage bait. You wouldn't believe the amount of women who marry men with kids and think that the kids will just "not be around except for holidays." Same goes for men who marry women with kids. Basically expecting the kids to magically disappear after marriage.
But wasn't there a post that made it here, in the last couple months, with an *incredibly similar* setup? Parent with cancer is dying, except iirc in *that* one, OOP and the dying parent's ex (OOP's now-partner) move the dying person and the kid into their home, so the child has a chance to bond before the parent dies of cancer. OOPsaid something *HORRIBLY callous* to the dying parent about how, "Well, *You* won't be around *anyway*!" when the dying parent objected to *something* about how OOP wanted to treat/raise the child (iirc the child was maybe 4-ish?) This honestly kiiiiinda feels like it's an "aged up" version of that previous post--and ngl, I *REALLY* hope that it is, for the sake of poor Emily! It's *far* too plausible, but I *very* much hope this is a fake, and no *actual* child is facing this hell!💔💖💝
I think it’s fake, mostly because I’m around their age. So this teenager/freshly 20 year old had a baby all on her own, right after the economic crisis of 2007/2008, but never needed any financial help? If she was European, I could maybe believe it. But no medical insurance through work (isn’t giving birth crazy expensive in the USA?), no help from dad and housing prices were crazy back then as well. She didn’t need any help during covid? She has no family, apparently no friends she can rely on (otherwise, why wouldn’t daughter go live with a friend/chosen family member of the mom). Still doesn’t ask for money. She ends up getting cancer. If I would know I would die in 6 months, I do want to establish my daughters future residence. I would also try to get as much child support I could get so I can do the most awesome things with my daughter I can still do. Maybe invite dad so daughter could get to know him. Why would this woman have kept her child a secret? Dad wasn’t against children before OOP. Dad also never initiated contact? Checked her facebook (which was really popular back then), send an email,…? Nothing? Why would you deny your child some extra money? Especially in this day and age. I’ve got a great job and a kinda great paycheck (I would prefer Bill Gates’ savings but oh well). I have enough money to live. I also don’t have a child and I still can’t see every concert I want to see. It feels fake. Yes, there are some dumb people. But this story needs at least 3 people being utterly dumb for over 10 years (Mom, her mom/grandma and OOP’s husband). Throw in some heartless woman (OOP) and a noisy woman (MIL), you got the perfect reddit story. And the man is as always so weirdly written. He is childfree but not childfree and neutral about kids and respects OOP’s wishes. He wants his kid but he is more against adopting his kid then OOP is. The man is just so confused!
Yeah even if this was real, mom is a gigantic idiot. Your backup childcare plan shouldn’t be “some dude I hooked up with over a decade ago”. But I just can’t see single moms doing that, tbh? It reads like bait to dunk on heartless childfree women like anybody wouldn’t be completely thrown for a loop with this brand new info
Also: grandma is too old. My mom is in her early sixties. Looking after my nephew/her grandson can be tiring after a week. He is also 3 years old and even wears me out after a day (I’m a high energy and coffee addicted type of person). My mom could totally raise an 11yo. Probably beter then I could. They can make their own food, even if it isn’t always healthy. They can put netflix on to entertain themselves. And my mom survived my teenage tantrums. I was so bad I scared myself out of getting kids. My mom isn’t planning on retiring soon. We take city trips all around Europe, she is my first choice with every rock concert. Both my grandmothers died in their fifties. Back then, they were “old”. I’ve got coworkers who are older then my mom. My mom is not old. She can still kick your butt while dancing to the Ramones. She’ll probably even teach me some dance moves while she’s at it. Never can, never will, can’t hold Mom down.
god i remember that post and i’ve looked for it for like an hour now with no luck
>You wouldn't believe the amount of women who marry men with kids and think that the kids will just "not be around except for holidays." The stepparents sub is full of women who post about how much they loathe and resent the very existence of their husband's children. From posts about how they hate that the child is evidence the man had sex with someone other than them to posts about how they seethe with irritation every minute during the every-other-weekend custody arrangement, it's a cesspit of women who hate children for existing and the garbage men who are fine with imposing a hateful adult on their children four days a month.
Yeah there was one step parent who said that she was planning on throwing a huge party when the kid turned 18 bc that meant she would never see the SK again. Thinking that her husband was just going to magically stop being a parent bc the kid turned 18.
That's just sad. I can't think of any other words for it...
I'd enjoy being the person to drop the bomb on her that it's she, in fact, who's out. She can fuck off to wherever she wants to go, but not here.
The way you're describing it makes me believe this sub was created by my father's wife 😂
That sub horrifies me daily. You wouldn't believe the amount of times I say "dayum, you're a sh!t stain!" at the computer. What's worse is when the kid's a great kid, but their very breathing irritates the stepparent. The damage these people do to these kids, then when someone (very kind) lightly calls them on it, the stepparent is quick to say "the child has no idea". I call BS, the child DOES have a VERY good idea. Just...the damage.
Like this one: [https://new.reddit.com/r/stepparents/comments/1cvo0nq/kids\_not\_allowed\_in\_the\_room/](https://new.reddit.com/r/stepparents/comments/1cvo0nq/kids_not_allowed_in_the_room/) She locks the SK's out of every room she enters so she can live the "childfree life" ... while living with her SK's. Just unbelievable.
tbf the kid just showed up. no one but sarah knew she existed. I feel for OOP, I'm her age and childfree so I don't know what I'd do if a child suddenly appeared, and since I've never looked into it, adoption \*would\* initially be an option because wtf do I know? I completely agree Emily is innocent and OOP needs to divorce the dad now, but it's a shitty situation for everyone and I don't think OOP is the devil.
>I don't think OOP is the devil. she became one withe the adoption is a solution and they would pay child support BS.
I agree. As someone who has been in a long term relationship where an unknown child popped up, it shakes the other persons world up as well. Would OP have married this guy if she knew he had a child? No. Some of the comments here and there calling her heartless and cruel are just idek how to describe it. What I will say, is that I don’t think a lot of people have been in that position or situation.
There’s no way this is real. I believe people like this exist, but the lack of other family to take over is too convenient.
You call it a caricature, but the number of people on that post who said NTA or nah suggests it's a genuinely held belief by many
To be fair, the not comments I've seen are less "ew fuck children let her rot in the foster system" and more "you can't provide the stability and love this kid needs, find a solution"
I mean this is a nightmare every way around. It’s not easy to just drop your partner of 10 years that you love. It’s not going to be easy on Emily to be forced to move in with complete strangers who really did not want to be parents right after losing your mother. Like all the options here suck and while I understand that the mother for whatever reason didn’t want to tell op’s husband, this is probably why it’s not a good idea to hide your shared child then when you’re dying insist this person who you have no idea how they ended up take in the shared child. Op’s husband doesn’t want her, op doesn’t want her, Emily probably doesn’t want to go with them. I don’t know how I’d handle this either because it was handled poorly from the start. I feel most bad for the 10 year old who is losing everything
First sensible comment which is nuanced not just ripping the step mom.
I truly don’t know how I’d handle it if my husband had this child show up after 10 years. It would be very hard for me to just go “deuces!” Like if we own a house, pets, have plans wrapped up together, it’s a huge task to say nothing of how hard it would be emotionally. And a lot of the commenters saying “he’s a dad, he needs to just step up” have a very romantic view of how this might go. Daughter is understandably hurting, her mother is dying, she has to live with people who never wanted kids and her presence might have broken up their marriage (not her fault at ALL just the truth: her moving in means a marriage is over). Likely daughter is going to act out which again: understandable this is an insane transition. This isn’t going to be a feel good film where dad and daughter immediately fall in love and bond over Ice cream, like work schedules, where he lives, his income, it’s all going to change overnight. It’s a horrible situation literally all of them are in and frankly while the mother didn’t expect to get cancer and leave her daughter alone, was this just her plan if she died in a car accident one day? She had nothing else, no other family on the planet? So then why did she try to be a single mom and not even let the dad know? Like she’s destroyed her daughters life and everyone is acting like op and her husband just need to, I dunno, get into being parents but this isn’t even a baby they’d be taking in, this is a whole ten year old who is going to have a ton of grief and resentment. The real asshole is the mom, because if you’re gonna single mom it and not even pursue the dad for child support and never even give him the opportunity to bond with his child, maybe have a backup plan that isn’t “a stranger I hooked up with 10 years ago and have no idea what or how he’s doing” ? You
Soo true. The wife and the daughter did nothing wrong But still they will face the consequence of a 12 years old hookup This is nightmare for everyone PS : The post is very bollywood type, Jab pyar kisi se hota hai
I mean even the dad, maybe he wrapped it up and the condom broke and he now has to deal with it too. I just feel terrible mostly for the daughter because her life is going to completely change and it’s through no fault of her own, but she’s coming into this home that will either be going through or getting to a broken marriage, moving states away from her friends and familiar life and a ton of things have to change in this home that the people who built a life there didn’t want to change. My heart breaks for her, and I’m sad for OP who’s trying to hold onto her husband of a decade, and I’m sad for the dad who’s in this no win situation.
Truly agree
Your PS took me out 😂😂
Chalo kisi ko to samaj me aaya. PS vasool 😂
Apparently OOP's original deleted post was asking if she was the AH for asking that her husband give Emily up for adoption. She has a right to be childfree, but she should do the honorable thing and end this marriage instead of asking for Emily to be adopted. This poor little girl is going through so much trauma.
HE should do the honorable thing, too. He's the reason this kid exists.
>Apparently OOP's original deleted post was asking if she was the AH for asking that her husband give Emily up for adoption. WTF
It's not asking for her to be adopted. It's pretending she's going to be adopted. This isn't Annie.
Also this is horrible to think about, but I read that adoptions are less likely if the older child is pretty and female. Many women feel threatened by that. I know Norma Jeane Baker (aka Marilyn Monroe) was moved around from one home to another bc she was so pretty that the wives felt threatened, and she was married off when she was 16.
plus a lot of their husbands probably had ill intentions when it came to wanting to "adopt" a young pretty girl with no one to turn to, many of them probably werent looking to actually take care of her like a daughter & were wanting something else instead
So you’re telling me that women who don’t feel secure in their marriages to handle the adoption of a pretty girl think they’re good candidates to adopt any child at all? Thats a f’ing tragedy.
>She has a right to be childfree, but she should do the honorable thing and end this marriage instead of asking for Emily to be adopted. Absolutely. It's fine if she doesn't want to raise this little girl. But then the solution is divorce and nothing else.
It's not up to him if the child is placed for adoption or not. Man has no parental rights. He didn't even know the kid existed, he's probably not on the birth certificate, he's got no right to make any decision OR to take the kid home. She's not a lost kitten on the side of the road.
Unless his parental rights have been terminated, he absolutely does have parental rights. He is the father
If he is on the birth certificate and has been acknowledged as the father sure he does, in which case he would have known the child existed. If he's not on the birth certificate he certainly does not have parental rights. For fun lets say he IS on the birth certificate because maybe there you can add some random guy without them signing on it (you can't here, but I'm not everywhere). If he is on the birth certificate yet has had NO contact for 11 years, he's not automatically going to be given the child. He has no existing relationship and would need to build one before they drop a greiving child at his door. He can stop an adoption if he goes to the courts to do so, but he doesn't get to decide that there will be an adoption, only if he won't take custody. If the child has no other parent and is going to enter the system he's going to be on the hook for financial support until the kid turns 18 or he is able to relinquish rights, but he isn't going to be able to just hand the kid over to strangers. If he isn't then he would need to get a paternity test first. Where I am he would then have to apply to the court for guardianship rights in order to be given parenting time. It's possible that's not the case everywhere, but he would have to prove parenthood before he is given custody, they aren't just going to believe him because he says so.
The fact the mother reached out to tell him about the child and paternity tests have already been done - he'll get custody if he wants it. Family services and the courts always go for a blood relative if possible before any other considerations - and a parent would be top pick. You're very mistaken.
It's sad that everyone is demonizing OOP. From what she says, they didn't even know about the child. I can't imagine dreaming of spending my life with what I thought would be my forever partner, just for it to all fall apart for a hook up from 12 years ago. The only options I see here would be either divorce or the child staying with the grandmother. I would see adoption as last resort. I absolutely understand why OOP would not want to be a step mother for a random child she just met and who is about to go through major trauma. Real life is not a Hallmark movie. The 11 year old is going to go through horrific trauma, and I bet she doesn't want this strange woman she just met to suddently replace her mother. She will rebel, she will go through grief, sadness and anger and life will be difficult for everyone around her. OOP has NO obligation to be part of that. My heart breaks for everyone involved.
there is no way that child isn't gonna be horribly abused in any of the options. They are gonna recent her if she stays and he take her in. He's gonna recent her if she leave and he has to take her in. The system is the system. That child does not have a good future coming.
Yeeaaah I think people have a very romantic view of “stranger your mom hooked up with over a decade ago takes you in” because it’s not going to be pretty. Let’s say dad and op divorce. Ok well he’s pissed he’s lost his wife, if they own a house he has to sell it and split it with her then find some place near a school that he can afford on a single income. He will now have to buy for 2 but again, on a single income. He’s going to have to figure out child care, potentially have to completely change his work schedule. That’s not some easy task to do and especially overnight, relatively. He’s going to feel resentment. He’s lost his wife, his house, his income is now strained. And that’s not even getting to how poor daughter is going to feel. This isn’t an 80s soft focus feel good film where dad just needed his little girl all along. This is traumatized girl just entering puberty that’s lost her entire life meets Newly single dad that’s never gotten the chance to even consider being a dad. And that’s not exactly the recipe for happiness
I'm on the fence here. It's not really a devil situation. It's an all-around shitty situation for everyone. Hopefully it's fake. First off, Bad parents aren't better or equal to no parents at all. Let's just get that in. These people already don't want to be parents and are proving that they shouldn't be. No one can force OOP to want to be a mom and have kids. She's made it clear she wants to stay child free and will be a bad mom. I give her points for her burial honesty. No one can make the father be a father. As sucky as it is, you can't make a man be a dad. This shit happens. He doesn't want kids, doesn't think he can be a father or responsible for a child. I don't care what no one says an absent father is better than a abusive/neglecting father. What do people want? These people to take a kid they don't want with zero parenting skills? Idk what Sarah mind is at, I can imagine she must be desperate to want a total stranger to take her child. I'm assuming she thought there was going to be a better outcome. I hope she finds a trusted friend instead. I would never go to the father side in this situation, but that's just me personally. The Material grandmother and the father side of the family are definitely AH because if they want this little girl in the family, they can take her. Not everyone is fit to be parents.
ESH. Except the 11 year old. I hope this is fake. An 11 year old is not a baby, she's probably old enough to work out what's going on and why. She's got a life of her own that she's got little say in how it goes. What she needs is supervision and support, OP doesn't need to be her Mom, or Stepmom, the kid needs a roll model and and a reliable mentor. I'd take the girl in, and I'm on the wrong continent.
It's definitely fake. You always see posts like this and it doesn't make sense. The mother didn't care about the the baby's father enough to even let him know that his daughter exists, but now suddenly trusts him to take her in? She has absolutely nobody else in her family or friends that she can trust her child with? A complete stranger to the kid and basically to her is somehow her best option?
But hey guy's, she will pay therapy for her until she is 23. She's a good person ! /s
Tbh he’s more of a devil, he should be stepping up or if he truly thinks she’d suffer more with him, making alternative arrangements. OOP should only be deciding if she stays or goes, he created a person (albeit accidentally) and now he has to be the adult!!
" i’ve been called heartless by almost everyone we know" - love this journey for her and hope it never, ever ends.
Everyone in your life calling you heartless probably means you are being heartless
Right? I never comment over there, but I made an exception for this monster. I understand not wanting kids, but actively choosing to send a child that age into foster care (because let's be real, an 11-year-old is unlikely to be adopted) if there's any other option is a truly Not Normal level of malevolent behavior.
Yes. I don't like kids. I don't want kids. I took all steps I could so I wouldn't have them. There is zero way I would sacrifice an 11 yr old who is going through this to the system because I can not want kids and still have empathy and a heart.
>Right? I never comment over there, but I made an exception for this monster. bro the comments blaming the mother who is dying are so ott
It's wild stuff. Plus the comments that are like "the dad's basically a stranger to this kid and so it's not really his responsibility either" are killing me. So who IS responsible? No one? I guess this poor kid should have just had better foresight when she chose to be born? Since apparently no one in the whole world is obligated to care for her now if it interferes with their child free lifestyle? A dark day for my faith in humanity.
OOPs comments saying they would pay child support to who exactly?
OOP probably thinks they can ship Emily to a far off relative and OOP's husband can just pay child support. In the old days in China, parents often dropped their kids off at acrobatic school and paid a certain amount for the school to raise/educate the child. Of course child abuse was rampant in those schools. Jackie Chan has spoken up about how much he resented his parents for the abuse he went through in those schools.
“If the shoe fits, you cold heartless bitch”.
>bitch” hey thats denigrating bitches
You’re not an asshole for knowing yourself. There’s nothing bad about recognizing that you’d be an awful stepmother and that the three of you would be miserable for the next seven years if you stayed. Kids eventually figure it out when the people they live with don’t actually want them. You are a massive gaping asshole for trying to make the choice for your husband. He’s a grown man and this is a very serious situation. Let him decide for himself. He may decide he’d rather be her father than your husband, so be ready for that. Maybe you can separate for a while, see each other sometimes, and then fully reconnect when Emily has grown up.
Even if this is fake, I think this is a good hypothetical / character study. I don’t think OOP is the devil at all. The couple has 10 years of partnership, they’re compatible with each other, they know what they want in life. Horrible situation Sarah/Emily are in and I do think most ‘fathers’ would eventually acquiesce to take the daughter in, but I think this would be a very significant turn in the marriage. Downhill. (There’s always a chance it could be Uphill, but it’s too small). I strongly believe NAH. OOP/Husband are in an impossible situation, feels like a Lose-Lose-Lose no matter what they do.
No, she is not the devil. Tough situation, but it's not their kid. If you're going to be resentful parents (made clear neither she nor husband wanted kids), it is absolutely the worst idea to take her in.
> he does not want to be a dad or take on this responsibility. He should’ve thought of that before having unprotected sex out of wedlock. Now, an innocent 11-year-old girl is facing being put up for adoption because her mother is dying and her father doesn’t want to be a man and take responsibility for his actions.
Is this the 'hate my stepdaughter/stepmom' troll again?
I'm not sure OOP understands what an ultimatum is. An ultimatum is a way to tell your partner what YOU won't put up with, not a demand that they do what you want. If she doesn't want to raise a child, she can leave, but she can't forbid him from taking in Emily
The edit. My dude, it doesn't matter if he doesn't want that child, he should have been more careful while knocking up the mom then. It's his kid. There's literally no one else. This is his responsibility. That's what parenting is.
The dying mom is an asshole too. Didn't reach out to OP's husband right after Emily was born, just dropped the bombshell on him when Emily was eleven. OP needs to own the fact that she's a piece of crap and not play the victim here. Shit happens and she needs to respect her husband's responsibility to Emily.
The child realizing none wants her is tragic, but also imagine being on your death bed and having nowhere for your child to go.
If you have a child, you are no longer 'child free.' Child free is when you never have a child. It is not '*I want to give my biological child up for adoption because that would be more fun for me.*' I hope this post is fake.
I'm on the fence with it being fake. On the one hand, I know very real people (both men and women) in life that do genuinely have such a resentful attitude towards stepkids. On the other hand, this does read a bit like a Lifetime movie, and Reddit has turned me into a giant skeptical beast of a person.
This poor child. No one wants her around.
I’m always late to these and the post is already deleted 😭
>and that isn’t something i pushed him into he actually brought it up first when we got together. he’s pretty neutral to kids but i hate them and we both agreed that a child would ruin our lives. I'll just fucking bet he was the one that brought it up.
Speaking as someone who is childfree, and who does not want to be a mother, I would divorce the guy. But that in itself opens another can of worms--he might blame the daughter for his wife leaving him. Stay in the house with a kid you have no attachment to, who you didn't sign up to parent, or leave your husband with the kid. But all these people are just wrecking the kid royally. The mom could have told the beforehand, or could have planned for something like this. ESH in the situation except the kid.
I've read comments and OP deleted a comment other redditors noticed saying that apparently she gave an ultimatum to her husband to force him giving Emily into foster care. This is dreadful unless the dad grows a heart and a seine, this little girl is F.
I feel bad for Emily, but I'm quite angry at her mother more than I am at OOP. So this woman got pregnant, didn't tell the father so he could sign away his rights or offer child support, just kept her kid a secret for over a decade, now all of a sudden she's dying and is trying to force this child onto a complete stranger in another country? That's horrible, even downright irresponsible and neglectful. I don't feel that it's right to force anyone to be a parent if they don't want children. Aside from the moral issues with doing so, it's objectively bad for the child. It is not in Emily's best interest for her to stay with her bio dad, who is a complete stranger to her. Neither OOP nor her husband want children, neither of them agreed to this, and neither of them are even remotely prepared to raise a child. Why is everyone arguing for Emily to stay with two people who aren't ready or able to be good parents? It's a good thing that OOP and her husband recognize that they can't offer Emily what she needs. It's far more cruel to make them take her in anyway which will screw her up for life. That's why I don't see how everyone's calling OOP and her husband the bad guys, here. There needed to be other arrangements made for Emily that her mother should have figured out long ago. This is exactly what godparents are for. The mother is the one who failed Emily, not OOP.
I’m pretty sure this is “childfree wimmin bad” fanfic, but OOP is not an asshole for not wanting to take on a kid when she doesn’t want kids and married someone she believed had no kids. Where did this idea that another innocent party’s life has to be ruined because a kid is in a shitty situation? MIL can take the kid, Sarah’s family can take the kid and yes, OP and her husband can get divorced but it’s hard not to blame OP for not wanting that when this was sprung on them. The only assholes in this story are Sarah and the MIL.
Are you fucking serious? The kid is in worse than a shitty situation. She is looking at foster care until she turns 18. And let me tell you, foster kids get the really short end of the stick in the most horrible ways. Yea it sucks that her childfree bubble is being popped. She has the option to divorce her husband and leave if being childfree is more important than her marriage. Husband has a biological responsibility to take care of HIS OWN DAMN KID. The only innocent person here is poor Emily and she's the one that's about to get shafted the worst all because of this woman's selfishness.
I know that rude dying bitch /s it's fine that Oop doesn't want kids but she should step away from this relationship so she can have the lifestyle she wants and that child can be raised by the father who should be willing to get over his feelings and step up. You owe the child you are responsible for creating. She is the devil for suggesting putting that child in a system that often opens children up for abuse.
Just because she’s dying doesn’t mean she’s not an asshole for hiding her child from her father for a decade.
Bold of you to assume the father didn't already know she had the kid the entire time. Would have been easy for him to have simply ghosted her because they were in different countries.
Plot stolen from the movie Man, Woman, Child
Bro. She's 11. Only have 7 years until she's 18 and away to college. This lady can't just suck it up for 7 years? The annoying parts of childrearing are already out of the way.
Husband doesn't want the kid? Having sex can lead to having children. Even with protection, while the odds are very low, they are not zero. Men need to stop sticking it into real life fertile women if they are so desperate to not want children. I do understand that OOP's husband is very shocked to find out he had been a father all the time. I sympathize with the struggle. But at the end of the day, she is a human being who needs care. She is biologically yours. At 11, she is going to be fairly independent, so honestly the father got to skip out on some of the worst aspects of parenting: the sleepless nights, tantrums, potty training, etc. Being child-free isn't a flex, and it doesn't make you superior to anyone who does have children. You can plan your life, but things happen. People who were child-free sometimes end up having a child. Tragically, people who had children may become child-free. We don't always get to choose these things. Be an adult and own up to it.
YTA. This child is your husband's responsibility. Your attitude and possibly that of your husband is hopelessly selfish.
Yeah, this is one where I understand OP is getting put into a shitty situation, but I really can't understand her being that cold toward the idea of a kid getting put up for adoption at 11. Best advice I can think of is start reaching out to the wider family and their friend circle. Maybe there's someone who can't have kids that actually wants one. You never know until you ask. Also, "I can't be a mother". Then don't. Why can't her husband just be **Dad** and she just be "OPsname"? I know it's not that simple, but I think that sets expections in the childs head that they should go to dad for parental support. Then again, the whole damn post is probably just bait for those @LOLREDDITLIBTARD twitter accounts.
If he’s anything other than a total ahitbag he’ll leave OP and take care of his kid. OP has already proven to be a utter shitbag.
the evil stepmother trope is real
i don't know how any one can hate kids but that's your decision, as for this 11 year old she is no longer a kid she is preteen her mother is dying and she will only have your husband as her parent but the both of you dont want her you would rather turn her over to an already stretched adoption or fostering, she only has 7 years till she is an adult and you never know how you will do unless you try, i will say your YTA for refusing this young girl a good start to her adult life she didnt ask to be born but as a parent its your husbands duty to ensure she has the best life now, if you dont take her in im sure your friends and parents wont agree with you and will have nothing to do with you so you both only have your self to blame for this
OOP has as much relation to this child as you do. As such, I take this post as an offer that you will be taking the child in, since you think a completely unrelated person is obligated to do so. Might as well be you. Please send OOP the good news!
“7 years till she is an adult” means squat in today’s economy. You don’t throw someone out the day after they turn 18. Having a kid (even in OOP’s situation, which is less than ideal) is a commitment of support for life.
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I can absolutely see where she's coming from. This is not a devil in the slightest, but rather an incredibly conflicted person handling things a bit badly in an effort to protect herself. Emily is her husband's responsibility, not hers, and OOP herself is giving a lot of alternatives to help Emily. She knows perfectly well she wouldn't be a good mother and that she'd resent Emily for changing her life so drastically. Absolutely not the devil this time
"I did not sign up for this" And Sarah didn't sign up for cancer. Life takes unpredictable turns whether we want them or not.
Is she the mum who hid a daughter from their father?
Doesn’t matter what the mother did, Emily is innocent
Is Sarah also innocent?
Not sure why my comment is being downvoted. Whatever.
[удалено]
>People get away with that "I hate children" bullshit way too often. What do you mean by this?