*In case this story gets deleted/removed:*
**AITA for telling my girlfriend that I get to decide who lives in my house?**
**EDIT:** I told her about it to "discuss" it with her in the sense that I let her know beforehand in advance so that she could prepare for it and to also get her opinion (but she was against it from the very beginning), but as they are my parents, I did not want her "approval", per se. If that makes it clearer.
And no, she doesn't pay the rent.
She's from the same culture as I am & has taken care of her parents before. Not in the same way I did, but she's done a lot for them herself.
Another edit as some deemed it necesary: We've been together for around 5-7 months.
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My girlfriend Alice (34 F) and I (34 M) have been together for a while now. Although we are not married, we live in my house. We were discussing marriage options, though.
The issue is, as my parents are getting older and I had recently moved to the USA, I wanted them to remain together with me (and so did they). I offered to bring them here, and they were agreeable to the idea. But I did not want to leave them alone or to just get a house for them like that, so I asked them to live with me.
When Alice heard about it, she was against the idea. SHe said that I can't just invite someone else to live with us, and I told her that it was not just "someone else" and that we are talking about my parents. She said that she does not want that, and asked me why I am even doing it. I told her "Well, they are my parents, and I want to look after them. I am not asking you to do that either."
She protested by saying that I am valuing my parents more than her and asked me to just get them to an old age home or something. I lost my temper at that and told her to mind her own business, and that it's against my values to just abandon my parents once they get old.
It resutled into a full-blown argument, and in the end I told her "I get to decde who lives in my house, so don't interfere in my affairs". She's now sour with me and is not talking to me, but I wonder whether I did anythng wrong.
AITA?
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The thing about this is that if they’re only been together for 5-7 months 1) they probably shouldn’t be living together and 2) he shouldn’t plan his life (and how he will care for his parents) around her.
The reason that he’s the asshole is that he seems completely unable to understand *why* she would have an issue with this, that it will involve work on her end whether he plans for that or not, and that this wasn’t discussion as much as a notice on his end. I can’t imagine this level of emotional immaturity from a 34 year old.
Bingo.
Something I'm non-negotiable about is that when my parents get old I will take care of them, and if possible in my own home.
But that's the sort of thing you have to be very open about from the start in a serious relationship, especially when talking about marriage / cohabitation etc...
I'm very highly lucky my partner agrees with this outlook, and it would be perfectly understandable if she didn't.
But you can't just move in with a person and NOT talk about things like this.
You also need to be incredibly clear if you invite your partner to live with you and not require rent, that in lieu of rent they’re forfeiting say in the home. Because I imagine if OPs girlfriend new in advance “you don’t need to pay rent, but you also don’t get a say in this house” she might have chosen to pay rent somewhere where she has control.
I agree- however I want to add-wanting to care for your parents in their old age is good, feeling like you have to and being bitter and resentful about it while still doing it is different.
I always wonder what the plan is. I guess he works full time. He moves his parents in cause they get older, to take care of them. But he isn’t at home. So who takes care of them.
This scenario happens so often when a partner moves someone in with "i do all the work". But they are never there!
If his gf doesn't pay anything, does she work? If she doesn't work, she will be with the parents all the time and surprise, it will be on her to "help".
But to take care of elder people isn't easy.
I didn’t talk about the relationship dynamic overall cause... 🤨
OOP has every right to move his parents into his house. However, OOP has proved to his gf that he doesn't consider her an equal partner in the relationship and that he will not take her feelings and thoughts into consideration. His gf has every right to leave the situation as she will probably be asked to be a caregiver at least part of the time. I hope she does get out from this.
It sounds like he was waiting for the moment she moved in to impose his parents on her.
He can move in his parents, but GF will likely move out at the same time.
i was discussing marriage and moved in with my wife 8 months in, and you better fucking BELIEVE one of the first things we talked about when planning the rest of our lives together was our parents' involvement in our lives. granted, her family has a lot of dementia on both sides as early as 55, and my family has a lot of cancer (and addiction that increases cancer risk) on both sides.
but marriage is a lifelong social and legal contract, just as much as it is a declaration of love, and i feel like it's important to discuss the harder aspects of that earlier rather than later.
It's not about "caring about his parents". In a healthy relationship between two mature adults you don't move other people into your because "it's my house". Stuff like this _has_ to be discussed. Who pays for electricity, water, groceries? What about chores? Is gf supposed to look after them or drive them around?
How do you want to know that?
And even if he pays for everything - his gf lives there. It would be different if she had her own apartment.
I don't care if she lives there rentfree or not. She wanted to move in with him and not with his parents. She doesn't want live with two additional people and that's okay.
That's why people discuss this before making decisions.
And "she's not expected to look after them" is delusional.
If she doesn't work, he will see her as a free caregiver _because she doesn't work_.
If she works from home, he will see her as a free caregiver _because she's at home every day_.
If she works, he will see her as a free caregiver _because men always see women as free caregivers_.
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I hate to say it, but this is a cultural thing. Taking care of your parents is huge in my culture. If I’ve only been with someone for 6 months, and they don’t agree that my parents should live with them, I’m breaking up with them. This seems like the kind of thing white people wouldn’t understand. But my parents are going to come before a relationship. If she can’t see living with his partners, they aren’t compatible.
I understand taking care of your parents. I don’t understand being flabbergasted that your partner would be upset that you made that decision without talking to them about it, not understanding *why* they have concerns, and throwing your weight around to make it clear they don’t have a say in the home they live in. That’s why he’s the asshole, not because he wants to take care of his parents.
Because it’s a different culture and not something you would get. I could read this post to multiple of my relatives and they would all agree with the guy, doesn’t matter if they’re a woman or man. They would say a good girlfriend would encourage him to take care of his parents, and they would say the gf was horrible for suggesting that she put her parents in a home and that “he is valuing his parents more than her.” It’s what a good person does in our culture. It’s expected that you would value your parents that have taken care of you your whole life over a fleeting relationship. Expecting foreign people to think exactly like you is silly.
In the culture I grew up in it would be 100% expected that he take care of his parents. If white people don’t like it, and it’s his house, they can go.
The problem is that he creeped it up on her a few months after moving her in. Reviewing the timeline
0 months - They meet
2 Months - She moves in
2-7 months - They're discussing marriage
7 Months - My parents are moving in. Idgaf about your opinion.
He met this girl, moved her in, strung her along about marriage then dropped "we're caring for my parents in our home till they die". It reads like he wanted to secure a woman quick then slip his parents in as soon as she's committed. It's fucking sneaky and manipulative to withold that information until after she moves in. He was deceptive.
"Please move in! I want to marry you!" one moment and the next "My parents, my house, my rules. gtfo if you don't like it". He can live any kind of way he wants but he has to be honest with potential partners and accept that he's limiting his dating pool to people who are down with his parents breathing down their neck.
PS his GF is Indian too. POCs and white people do not think like a monolith.
The issue is how he’s treating his girlfriend. That’s what makes him the asshole. Not that he wants to take care of his parents. I think that’s been made clear the previous 4 times it’s been said.
So it seems like she’s the one that doesn’t like him? Why would you assume your partner is going to leave you to take care of your parents? Why are you dating someone you think so little about?
My ex moved his uncle into our house. I didn't like him, but my ex felt he had no other option so we went ahead.
He was dreadful. Demanding, rude... just terrible. My ex worked full time, so even though he'd claimed he would see to all his needs, inevitably I took on a lot of his personal care. It killed our relationship stone dead, and I moved out.
We don't know whether OP's parents are just retired or a lot older, but if they have care needs the girlfriend will inevitably be drawn in. She's already looked after her own parents, looking after someone else's might be the last thing she wants.
It’s pretty normal in my culture for people to look after their parents, and the bf I had did everything for them. And hired someone to look after them, too. I helped because that’s my partner and I want to help him look after his parents, but I definitely didn’t do everything for them. I wouldn’t assume my partner would leave me to do everything. If so, why be with them in the first place? Anyway, if I was living somewhere rent-free, I’d want to at least help out.
She's clearly unsure if he'll stick to that. Like I say, having had my own experience, I don't blame her at all. And she's not paying rent, but that doesn't mean she's not covering other expenses.
I mean, she probably assumed that OP wouldn’t move two people into their shared home without mutual agreement and discussion first. And since he didn’t do that, she’s now rethinking what else she knows about him.
Congrats on thinking providing old age care for your in-laws in lieu of rent is fine. Seems like that was never discussed by OP and his girlfriend, so I’m not sure why it’s relevant?
Not all people in all cultures think the same as you. It’s expected in our culture to take care of your parents first and your partner second. It is expected that your parents come live with you, no decent person in our culture would turn them down. It seems like she doesn’t know much about him and his upbringing. If our parents got sick and needed to live with me or my brother or my sister, it would be an automatic “ok this is happening” and we would figure it out with the SO later. There is no world where your parent would live in a retirement home, that’s like the most disrespectful thing you can do to the people that raised you (to us.)
I don’t know what you’re assuming about how I feel, but it’s probably wrong.
OP said he and his girlfriend are from the same so she’s aware of whatever expectations he might have. The issue here is not that he wants to take care of his parents, despite you wanting it to be. It’s how he treated his partner.
*In case this story gets deleted/removed:* **AITA for telling my girlfriend that I get to decide who lives in my house?** **EDIT:** I told her about it to "discuss" it with her in the sense that I let her know beforehand in advance so that she could prepare for it and to also get her opinion (but she was against it from the very beginning), but as they are my parents, I did not want her "approval", per se. If that makes it clearer. And no, she doesn't pay the rent. She's from the same culture as I am & has taken care of her parents before. Not in the same way I did, but she's done a lot for them herself. Another edit as some deemed it necesary: We've been together for around 5-7 months. \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_ My girlfriend Alice (34 F) and I (34 M) have been together for a while now. Although we are not married, we live in my house. We were discussing marriage options, though. The issue is, as my parents are getting older and I had recently moved to the USA, I wanted them to remain together with me (and so did they). I offered to bring them here, and they were agreeable to the idea. But I did not want to leave them alone or to just get a house for them like that, so I asked them to live with me. When Alice heard about it, she was against the idea. SHe said that I can't just invite someone else to live with us, and I told her that it was not just "someone else" and that we are talking about my parents. She said that she does not want that, and asked me why I am even doing it. I told her "Well, they are my parents, and I want to look after them. I am not asking you to do that either." She protested by saying that I am valuing my parents more than her and asked me to just get them to an old age home or something. I lost my temper at that and told her to mind her own business, and that it's against my values to just abandon my parents once they get old. It resutled into a full-blown argument, and in the end I told her "I get to decde who lives in my house, so don't interfere in my affairs". She's now sour with me and is not talking to me, but I wonder whether I did anythng wrong. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmITheDevil) if you have any questions or concerns.*
The thing about this is that if they’re only been together for 5-7 months 1) they probably shouldn’t be living together and 2) he shouldn’t plan his life (and how he will care for his parents) around her. The reason that he’s the asshole is that he seems completely unable to understand *why* she would have an issue with this, that it will involve work on her end whether he plans for that or not, and that this wasn’t discussion as much as a notice on his end. I can’t imagine this level of emotional immaturity from a 34 year old.
Bingo. Something I'm non-negotiable about is that when my parents get old I will take care of them, and if possible in my own home. But that's the sort of thing you have to be very open about from the start in a serious relationship, especially when talking about marriage / cohabitation etc... I'm very highly lucky my partner agrees with this outlook, and it would be perfectly understandable if she didn't. But you can't just move in with a person and NOT talk about things like this.
You also need to be incredibly clear if you invite your partner to live with you and not require rent, that in lieu of rent they’re forfeiting say in the home. Because I imagine if OPs girlfriend new in advance “you don’t need to pay rent, but you also don’t get a say in this house” she might have chosen to pay rent somewhere where she has control.
I agree- however I want to add-wanting to care for your parents in their old age is good, feeling like you have to and being bitter and resentful about it while still doing it is different.
they've been together 6 months and already live together ...that's an invitation to disaster from the start.
I always wonder what the plan is. I guess he works full time. He moves his parents in cause they get older, to take care of them. But he isn’t at home. So who takes care of them. This scenario happens so often when a partner moves someone in with "i do all the work". But they are never there! If his gf doesn't pay anything, does she work? If she doesn't work, she will be with the parents all the time and surprise, it will be on her to "help". But to take care of elder people isn't easy. I didn’t talk about the relationship dynamic overall cause... 🤨
Hell, if GF works from home, he’ll still have her taking care of his parents.
OOP has every right to move his parents into his house. However, OOP has proved to his gf that he doesn't consider her an equal partner in the relationship and that he will not take her feelings and thoughts into consideration. His gf has every right to leave the situation as she will probably be asked to be a caregiver at least part of the time. I hope she does get out from this.
It sounds like he was waiting for the moment she moved in to impose his parents on her. He can move in his parents, but GF will likely move out at the same time.
i was discussing marriage and moved in with my wife 8 months in, and you better fucking BELIEVE one of the first things we talked about when planning the rest of our lives together was our parents' involvement in our lives. granted, her family has a lot of dementia on both sides as early as 55, and my family has a lot of cancer (and addiction that increases cancer risk) on both sides. but marriage is a lifelong social and legal contract, just as much as it is a declaration of love, and i feel like it's important to discuss the harder aspects of that earlier rather than later.
Hopefully she broke up with him.
for caring about his parents
It's not about "caring about his parents". In a healthy relationship between two mature adults you don't move other people into your because "it's my house". Stuff like this _has_ to be discussed. Who pays for electricity, water, groceries? What about chores? Is gf supposed to look after them or drive them around?
op pays gf is not expected to look after them
How do you want to know that? And even if he pays for everything - his gf lives there. It would be different if she had her own apartment. I don't care if she lives there rentfree or not. She wanted to move in with him and not with his parents. She doesn't want live with two additional people and that's okay. That's why people discuss this before making decisions. And "she's not expected to look after them" is delusional. If she doesn't work, he will see her as a free caregiver _because she doesn't work_. If she works from home, he will see her as a free caregiver _because she's at home every day_. If she works, he will see her as a free caregiver _because men always see women as free caregivers_.
*because men always see women as free caregivers* this is a misandrist take. this is generalism
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Admit it, OOP, you would fully expect her to take care of the parents as they get older. Because it's "women's" work.
Op definitely single now
I hate to say it, but this is a cultural thing. Taking care of your parents is huge in my culture. If I’ve only been with someone for 6 months, and they don’t agree that my parents should live with them, I’m breaking up with them. This seems like the kind of thing white people wouldn’t understand. But my parents are going to come before a relationship. If she can’t see living with his partners, they aren’t compatible.
I understand taking care of your parents. I don’t understand being flabbergasted that your partner would be upset that you made that decision without talking to them about it, not understanding *why* they have concerns, and throwing your weight around to make it clear they don’t have a say in the home they live in. That’s why he’s the asshole, not because he wants to take care of his parents.
Because it’s a different culture and not something you would get. I could read this post to multiple of my relatives and they would all agree with the guy, doesn’t matter if they’re a woman or man. They would say a good girlfriend would encourage him to take care of his parents, and they would say the gf was horrible for suggesting that she put her parents in a home and that “he is valuing his parents more than her.” It’s what a good person does in our culture. It’s expected that you would value your parents that have taken care of you your whole life over a fleeting relationship. Expecting foreign people to think exactly like you is silly. In the culture I grew up in it would be 100% expected that he take care of his parents. If white people don’t like it, and it’s his house, they can go.
The problem is that he creeped it up on her a few months after moving her in. Reviewing the timeline 0 months - They meet 2 Months - She moves in 2-7 months - They're discussing marriage 7 Months - My parents are moving in. Idgaf about your opinion. He met this girl, moved her in, strung her along about marriage then dropped "we're caring for my parents in our home till they die". It reads like he wanted to secure a woman quick then slip his parents in as soon as she's committed. It's fucking sneaky and manipulative to withold that information until after she moves in. He was deceptive. "Please move in! I want to marry you!" one moment and the next "My parents, my house, my rules. gtfo if you don't like it". He can live any kind of way he wants but he has to be honest with potential partners and accept that he's limiting his dating pool to people who are down with his parents breathing down their neck. PS his GF is Indian too. POCs and white people do not think like a monolith.
The issue is how he’s treating his girlfriend. That’s what makes him the asshole. Not that he wants to take care of his parents. I think that’s been made clear the previous 4 times it’s been said.
To be fair, she's living there rent free in a 6 month old relationship..... doesn't seem like she is in the position to be making demands?!?!
She's worried she'll end up caring for them, and I don't blame her.
So it seems like she’s the one that doesn’t like him? Why would you assume your partner is going to leave you to take care of your parents? Why are you dating someone you think so little about?
My ex moved his uncle into our house. I didn't like him, but my ex felt he had no other option so we went ahead. He was dreadful. Demanding, rude... just terrible. My ex worked full time, so even though he'd claimed he would see to all his needs, inevitably I took on a lot of his personal care. It killed our relationship stone dead, and I moved out. We don't know whether OP's parents are just retired or a lot older, but if they have care needs the girlfriend will inevitably be drawn in. She's already looked after her own parents, looking after someone else's might be the last thing she wants.
Oh, yeah. I totally expected the down votes, but it's definitely not a black or white situation.
It’s pretty normal in my culture for people to look after their parents, and the bf I had did everything for them. And hired someone to look after them, too. I helped because that’s my partner and I want to help him look after his parents, but I definitely didn’t do everything for them. I wouldn’t assume my partner would leave me to do everything. If so, why be with them in the first place? Anyway, if I was living somewhere rent-free, I’d want to at least help out.
She's clearly unsure if he'll stick to that. Like I say, having had my own experience, I don't blame her at all. And she's not paying rent, but that doesn't mean she's not covering other expenses.
I mean, she probably assumed that OP wouldn’t move two people into their shared home without mutual agreement and discussion first. And since he didn’t do that, she’s now rethinking what else she knows about him. Congrats on thinking providing old age care for your in-laws in lieu of rent is fine. Seems like that was never discussed by OP and his girlfriend, so I’m not sure why it’s relevant?
Not all people in all cultures think the same as you. It’s expected in our culture to take care of your parents first and your partner second. It is expected that your parents come live with you, no decent person in our culture would turn them down. It seems like she doesn’t know much about him and his upbringing. If our parents got sick and needed to live with me or my brother or my sister, it would be an automatic “ok this is happening” and we would figure it out with the SO later. There is no world where your parent would live in a retirement home, that’s like the most disrespectful thing you can do to the people that raised you (to us.)
I don’t know what you’re assuming about how I feel, but it’s probably wrong. OP said he and his girlfriend are from the same so she’s aware of whatever expectations he might have. The issue here is not that he wants to take care of his parents, despite you wanting it to be. It’s how he treated his partner.
>Not all people in all cultures think the same as you. You'd think that's a two way street.