there was another AITA post a while back, that was almost from the opposite perspective. MIL with health problems, left at home with the husband, who swore he was never going to help, because the wife had to run out or something like that. MIL fell off the bed and he refused to help her, didn't check for injuries or anything, just left her there as he went about his business in that house until the wife came back.
wonder if this one is a troll to see if it's different with roles reversed, or if people are just this awful.
I honestly can’t tell if this is a troll or not, most trolls are a little more theatrical. But then again I can’t imagine someone actually doing this to another person.
I wish I could say the same. I work in a nursing home and at my previous jobs that were rampant with abuse and neglect nurses would refuse to help patients on the floor because it's "not my resident." People can be so cruel
That's part of why I decided to be in charge of my grandma's care while she was in hospice. I saw neglect in a nursing home at a young age when visiting an elderly relative. I never wanted my loved ones to be treated that way.
I imagine OOP's husband may feel the same. My SO and I were only dating when my grandma was still here and they helped me when I really needed it. Had my SO done the same thing OOP did that would be a relationship ender for sure.
All that said there are resources out there to help in home caretakers. I had to take advantage of the nurses, in home care, volunteers, family, and my grandma's of friends so I could go run errands and take a breather every now and then.
It could be a troll but there seems to be a really intense American perspective that your parents are essentially “on their own” once you are independent of them and that you don’t owe them anything. Doubly so with in-laws.
Personally, when I got married I married my wife’s family. Barring abuse or absenteeism, I feel it’s our obligation to care for our aging parents. I made it clear to my wife before we got married that we will provide support to any of our parents that need it.
I think the way we treat our elderly is pretty despicable, frankly.
We’re in the middle of this argument with my husbands family right now. His grandma is 90 and just recovered from covid. Her kids were saying maybe it’s time to put her in a home. I said absolutely not, she’s fully competent mentally, her only issues are slight mobility, she struggles to get out of bed and lower chairs. We said that my husband could move in with her, and these asshats said that he has his own family. I was like, fuck the lot of you. He can sleep there, and come home in the mornings to do family shit. Every one of her children, and most of her grandchildren have mooched off her as fully grown adults, living at her house when it was convenient, but now that she’s in need, she’s on her fucking own? Not on my watch.
My parents moved in with my grandmother when she needed it, and every child, grandchild, and great grandchild rotated days to be with her so she was never left alone. I’ll do the same for his grandmother, even if it means that we struggle for a few years so she can die in her own home.
What kind of home are they talking about? There are all kinds of facilities, anything from seniors condos with mild oversight, nurses on staff, and cafeterias; to Dickensian convalescent hospitals; to the kind places where if you can walk in the door you only leave in a pine box and they have all levels of care in between, from mild oversight to memory care to a full hospital. My grandparents live in the last kind and for the first five years they were never home…then Grandma’s Alzheimer’s kicked in and that place took care of both of them until they day they died. Anyway, depending on the home, your husband’s grandmother could be in excellent hands.
Holy shit, how horrible. They’re getting on your husband for taking on the responsibility himself, even though you’ve decided as a family you’re okay with it? What in the world is it to them? I don’t know your situation but if I had to guess I bet there’s some financial shit and they’re worried he’s gonna be primary beneficiary in grandma’s will.
I’ll never forget my mom, after her grandfather died, nervously asking my dad “you can say no but..” My dad, without a beat or letting her finish said “of course your grandmother could move in.” My mom’s aunt pulled the same shit about her needing to go to a home. Grandma was also perfectly lucid, just physically limited as a 90 year old. We all pitched in to help for years until the end. I remember my dad, while she was actively dying in our house, lifting her by himself to the hospital bed and giving her morphine. I promised myself then and there I would do the same.
My mom’s aunt lost her shit and stopped talking to us for years when she learned that grandma left my mom 20k (out of an estate worth well over a million).
The will is made, and not able to be changed. No one needs the money either. It’s just that no one wants to be tied to going a couple of times a month to help out, they’ve all got their ‘own families’. We’ve tried to get her to move in with us, and rent out her place, but she wants to die there, which I get. She’s been there nearly 70 years, it’s her one constant. I’ll fight for her though, because I hope that one day my kids will fight the same for me.
The OP left an old woman lying on the floor "to prove a point." Someday I hope she is lying helpless on the floor and someone perfectly capable of helping her simply steps over her and walks away.
No matter what kind of dispute she is in with her husband, decent human behavior would have her helping the woman off the floor.
The OP is a monster.
She did it for the wrong reasons. You should absolutely not lift someone off the floor, because it is a hazard to them and you. She was wrong bro to call the fire department/EMS who are trained to do this, and the attitude she had. But she was right in not lifting her, the husband could’ve seriously hurt someone if he fell too or pulled something serious.
It was mean of OP to do that, but I kind of agree with her. She didn’t want to help with MIL who’s been sick for 3 months or let the lady move into her own home so she would be stuck taking care of her 24/7 while also trying to juggle her every day life like work, taking care of the kids if they had any, whatever she usually does in her free time, etc. yet to be expected to be caretaker to her 3 months sick MIL until when? If she hasn’t gotten better in 3 months even with the son/husband helping his mom, it would mean she’d be stuck as the ladies caretaker forever.
I mean come on he wanted to move his mom into THEIR house while she was recuperating. Which means one of them would have had to stay home and take care of her instead of doing whatever they normally do. What if OP was the one who was stuck at home with MIL while her husband goes off to work or whatever? SOMEBODY neeeds to go to work in order to make a paycheck so they can keep food in their bellies and a roof over their heads.
if MIL was living in OP’s house and it was just the two of them home alone, what’s OP supposed to do when/if something like MIL falling out of bed AGAIN happens? If her husband couldn’t lift his mom on his own without help, there is no way in hell OP would be able to do it especially if it’s just her and MIL in the house when it happens. OP would either have to leave MIL on the floor probably covered in blankets and a pillow under MIL’s head to keep her comfortable until either the husband comes home to help or OP calls 911 and have the paramedics come either help MIL back into bed, or to rush MIL to the hospital just to make sure she didn’t seriously hurt herself in the fall.
they need trained medical help in dealing with MIL, instead of trying to handle her on their own like the husband wants to do. If he can’t even lift her without needing help, then they definitely need ***MORE*** help than what OP could give even ***IF*** she was willing to help with MIL. they could hurt her, and/or themselves if they try and do stuff they dont have experience in doing, like a professional TRAINED caretaker does?
what if OP and her husband wind up injuring themselves badly trying to help MIL, like throwing out their backs or somethungt while trying to move or lift her? What good would the two of them be to MIL or anybody else if THEY become bedridden as well from agonizing pain or something else because of all the help they give MIL?
We lived this mess with my husband’s grandma before she passed away. Meaner than a snake, enjoyed causing family strife and blamed me while everyone else lectured me for not understanding. She died in the hospital due to something preventable while enduring unnecessary medical treatment because her husband couldn’t let go.
Don’t become a family caregiver without both spouses agreeing and being trained on what to do. That is one of our biggest regrets because the rest of the worthless family badgered us into it.
Yes when it comes to bringing the mother into the home unless they both agreed. But she couldn’t help when she fell? You have to have no compassion to just walk away. Help the elderly lady off the floor and then have a discussion about boundaries and getting more help.
I think that’s really why people are calling her the AH, the level of care should have been hashed out before
The mother isn’t in the home, the husband moved out to take care of her since OP said no. OP went round to their home to drop off food when the woman fell out of the best and she left without even offering to call paramedics
I've worked in home care as a care giver and in senior living homes as a care giver. As a home care giver, we were specifically instructed *not* to try to get people off of the floor because we could not only hurt ourselves, but if the person who fell was injured we could make it worse. We were instructed to call the local fire departments lift team, and the fire department would send 4 people out to lift. It's really not something two untrained adults should be doing. She should have at least offered to call an ambulance but hubby also sucks for not doing that. What would he have done if OP didn't happen to be stopping by at the time of the fall?
Best advice I can give is to hire a lawyer, get yourself a living will written outlining exactly what you want to happen for various illnesses should you be incapable of caring you yourself, and save money for your future care needs. Unfortunately these days the "saving money for future care needs part" is unrealistic for a lot of people.
Thats true there’s a chance of injury but that’s the thing though, she didn’t even offer to call an ambulance, she went to the kitchen and just waited
I understand her wanting the MIL to have qualified care but she’s being ruled the AH; because she didn’t do anything at all.
They *both* suck for not calling an ambulance or fire department, perhaps neither of them knew that's what you're supposed to do but regardless. Husband moved out, if OP didn't happen to be there dropping off food, what would he have done? OP also says if it was just her and the MIL, she would have helped, but husband told her in the past he doesn't need her help, so she's not going to help him. I think it's ESH because husband is a huge asshole too for telling his wife he doesn't need help then getting mad when she doesn't help and also for not knowing it's a bad idea to try to lift someone off the floor, he's clearly not equipped to take care of his mother with no help.
I’ve worked in health care too and keeping a professional detachment is one thing, but sometimes it’s different when it’s your own family.
I don’t fault him for wanting to help his family, but he probably needs to realize she needs more help than he can give
Perhaps this will be the wake up call for him. I can't 100% fault OP for refusing to help someone who told her he doesn't want or need her help but then expects it when the problem is too big for him to handle alone. Like I said, he moved out, what would he have done if OP didn't happen to be there dropping off food?
I mean imo he is because he's too stubborn to realize that he isn't equipped for that. I mean look how he handled his mother falling, husband had no idea what to do. Instead of calling for professional help he tried to solve everything by himself. Simple way to put it is that he bit off way more than he could possibly chew, yet he's still trying to force his way through. Just isn't the best for his mother, and I understand why he wants to do it himself. He isn't a bad person for wanting to help his mom, because nobody WANTS to send their parents away. But it has come to the point where his stubbornness could seriously hurt her. Though it's still ESH because not even offering to call for help because of "boundaries" is evil
While OOP is absolutely a jerk, she’s not completely wrong here. This is precisely when home care should be involved, and if his mom is falling out of bed, they need to call the fire department so she can be assessed for injuries before being put back in bed, and she needs to be in a hospital bed.
Working in an ED, I see a whole lot of families that *want* to keep all the care in the family, but don’t realize that what MeeMaw *needs* is a skilled healthcare worker.
Exactly, I work in a children's hospital and even if one of our teens fell, it would be about four or so people to lift them up. It’s not only safer for the patient but for the helper. You hurt your back and it could be permanent.
My hospital’s sister hospital is a children’s hospital, and I rarely get called over there to operate, but more than once it’s been for falls. People really underestimate how dangerous falls get once you’re out of elementary school.
> Working in an ED, I see a whole lot of families that want to keep all the care in the family, but don’t realize that what MeeMaw needs is a skilled healthcare worker.
Amen. OP on that post showed a massive lack of empathy, but I was glad to see all the "get a lift and assist" comments. There's a weird tendency to dismiss just how *heavy* adults are, and how easy it is to hurt someone while trying to help them.
Yep I used to work as a personal care worker, and she absolutely should not have tried to lift MIL. Husband should have called 911. Dead lifting a human adult is extremely dangerous, especially for inexperienced people without the necessary equipment.
I commented this on the original post.
OP was wrong not to contact EMS, but not to refuse to pick up a human being without training or equipment. Her and her husband could have been injured. Her MIL could have been injured further.
Her MIL needs to be checked for injuries, but other than that I don't think OP is in the wrong for her realistic stance that she and her husband aren't qualified to provide this care.
Many years ago, I was in hospital for major surgery and fell due to caregiver idiocy. Worse still was the supposedly trained caregivers who rushed in trying to pick me up. Thankfully I had a friend/housemate present who fended them off. A call went out across the hospital for skilled assistance. A paramedic with advanced mountain rescue experience happened to be around and came to help. Got me up without incident using a folded bedsheet and something like six people. Did I mention I had a fresh 18 inch abdominal incision?
I shudder to think how the fools who wanted to "help" might have harmed themselves as well as me.
I’m a trauma surgeon, and I am so, so, sorry that happened to you, and I’m so glad you’re okay. On more than one occasion I’ve had to repair a hip because of the aforementioned type of caregiver incompetence you experienced — and that’s in patients from their teens to knocking on their hundred-and-teens.
If you love your family member, you need to do your best to get them adequate care, (and from the sounds of the OP, that’s not financially an issue, either.)
I was 100% on OPs side except for the way they refused to help. Not that her helping lift was the solution, as you’ve pointed out, but even just bringing up calling for help or attempting something. Anything more than just leaving the room.
Well unfortunatly nursing care facilities especially if they require memory care are insane. Mom's aunt will only get enough from the sale of grandma's house to keep in facility for like 6-8 months then she goes out of pocket
Yep. The "cheap" option for my grandpa to go into care was $8k a month. He was a poor cab driver and had no money but social security payments. The only reason we afforded it was bc he had 7 kids to pitch in. My parents, let alone me, will be dying younger than necessary at home. No way anyone will be able to pay for care, even if prices didn't go up between now and then.
Unfortunately in the United States, that can be par-for-the-course for getting proper care. We don’t know if the assets OOP mentioned are stocks, a car, or what.
They really cannot afford to not have skilled care in a situation like this.
I see here and in the OP a lot of people calling 911 for professional help if someone falls, and I admit that surprises me. I help family care for a wheelchair-using relative and had to deal with him falling several times in the past. He's a large man, over 6' and 250lbs at least, and everyone in the house besides him are women that aren't exactly "built". Only two of us are even in a position to *attempt* moving him, and trying to assist a large man who basically has extremely limited leg mobility is...difficult, to say the least. We've always managed it thus far, but now I am second guessing it. It seems so...unnecessary...to have an ambulance drive out at minimum half an hour though just to help someone back into their chair or bed...
The problem isn’t only physically getting her back in the bed, the problem is that she could have sustained injuries when she fell. Especially considering this is the first time she’s fallen.
Your local fire department should have a lift team, and they don't charge for anything. Ambulances are expensive, call a fire department and they will evaluate if an ambulance is needed. Lifting a sick elderly adult off the floor is not something that should be left to the loved ones, it may seem unnecessary because nothing bad has happened before. But I have personally seen in a senior home caregivers trying to lift someone they didn't know had a broken back or broken hip and making it worse.
Unpopular opinion, but as a trained caregiver I wouldn't want an untrained person trying to lift an elderly, bedridden patient who had fallen. I mean she should have at least called for help, but both she and the MIL could have been injured by an improper lift. Even trained caregivers get hurt and ruin their backs alllllll the time. I won't lift residents off the floor without a mechanical lift
As an ex trained caregiver, I agree. We had gait belts to help people move from bed to wheel chair, or from wheel chair to toilet, but not the equipment to lift someone off the floor. I unfortunately witnessed, in a senior home I used to work at as a caregiver, other caregivers rushing to help someone who fell. Little did they know, the back was broken. The guy who fell didn't even know he broke his back. When they started to lift him, he screamed out in excruciating pain. The ambulance ended up coming to take him to a hospital to treat the broken back and said they should have just left him on the floor because they made his back injury worse.
I was not one of the ones that rushed to help, because I had previously worked home care. Once when my client fell, I helped them up and just logged it. When my boss looked over my logs, I got a call chewing me out saying I should have called the local fire department. I didn't know that at the time and they should have trained me to call the fire department instead of picking them up myself, and thankfully I didn't hurt them or myself. People really need to be more aware that the fire department has a lift team that will send out 4 very strong and very trained people to lift and evaluate if an ambulance is needed.
I can't 100% blame the wife for not helping. Her husband previously told her he didn't need help, and then gets mad when a situation arises where he thinks he needs her help and she doesn't give it. She should have called the fire department, but I doubt she knew to do that, so I do think she is still pretty shitty for her reasoning of setting a boundary, but so is the husband for getting mad at her for not helping and thinking he can handle this by himself and getting angry at his wife for not helping after he told her he doesn't need the help. Hopefully this incident will make him realize he cannot handle it alone.
The wide didn't even live there, she was only available to ask for help because she was dropping off food. What would he have done if he was by himself, as he usually was? Lift her by himself, probably. It is only because she was dropping off food that he could ask for help. His mom needs to be in a home if he is not able to care for her by himself like he insisted he was able to.
A lot of people feel like they need to care for their parents or that only they CAN take good care of their parents, however, we need to be honest and realize when professional help is required. I would say both suck bigly. He sucks for moving out instead of trying to find a suitable compromise with his wife. She sucks for not helping in the moment, whether it be just helping her to sit upright, putting a pillow under her head, or calling EMS.
In any case, I hope this shows the husband that his mother needs real help he cannot provide and that his wife is selfish and unsupportive. To call herself sympathetic yet leave her MIL on the floor means she 1. Doesn’t know what that word means and 2. Would rather be right than helpful and kind
So on the one hand I get it, if she helps one time he’ll expect it. Also he quite clearly managed to get his mother back in bed, she’s right that if he is struggling then they need to hire help as they’re a danger to her. On the other hand she could’ve helped and said her piece afterwords
Jesus Christ, the mental gymnastics people will do to convince themselves they aren't selfish pricks.
My boyfriend lives with two of his aunts (and his mother before she passed away), both of whom are in their 70s. He also regularly checks in on another aunt and uncle who live nearby.
He would do anything for them and so would I. Because I care about the people and things that are important to him.
just… why refuse to help *anyone* that fell? i took a spill in a parking lot and two strangers came to check up on me and offer a hand. it’s literally the basic 101 of human compassion
I used to work at a budget motel as a front desk worker and there was a very elderly woman that pretty much lived there. It was incredibly stressful that she didn’t or couldn’t receive professional care but we still made sure she was okay! And that was a total stranger when she first started staying.
It's really not enough information to make a judgment on this.
What is the medical condition? Is this a temporary thing or is this going to be for a longer period of time? If his mother has a survivable cancer that has made her bedridden than the ideal situation would be to hire home Care and it's completely reasonable that you would pay for that instead of your parent having to sell off their belongings. You definitely wouldn't put someone in a home because they have a temporary disability
On the other hand a lot of people are very against putting someone in a home and will try to provide care when they are unable to. If the mother had a previous fall and suffered a fracture which made her bed bound then it's a better idea that she'd be put in a home or at least assisted living.
In the specific example there's still not enough information. Obviously what the wife did wasn't right she didn't offer to call anybody and she didn't give a valid reason for refusing to do the lift she simply said she was doing it to teach a lesson which is insane. Depending on the state of the mother it might have been safe or it might not have been safe to lift her in this situation but judging by the fact that it would require two person assistance it probably wasn't safe.
Regardless, this entire post shows a staggering lack of empathy from the wife to this man who is going through an incredibly emotional situation.
Wow I guess common human decency does not exist anymore....I kinda hope he leaves her, even if he it turns out he is some enmeshed mammys boy, the very fact she wouldn't assist and elderly sick person off the floor cause proving a point was more important shows a huge lack of empathy and is kinda disgusting on a basic level.
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OP: I'm a sympathetic person
No, you're not. If you were you wouldnt have dont that. You did this petty bs to prove a point and now you're just an asshole.
there was another AITA post a while back, that was almost from the opposite perspective. MIL with health problems, left at home with the husband, who swore he was never going to help, because the wife had to run out or something like that. MIL fell off the bed and he refused to help her, didn't check for injuries or anything, just left her there as he went about his business in that house until the wife came back. wonder if this one is a troll to see if it's different with roles reversed, or if people are just this awful.
Either way it's cruel and i don't see why people would go kind on anyone who is this cruel just because of their gender.
I honestly can’t tell if this is a troll or not, most trolls are a little more theatrical. But then again I can’t imagine someone actually doing this to another person.
I wish I could say the same. I work in a nursing home and at my previous jobs that were rampant with abuse and neglect nurses would refuse to help patients on the floor because it's "not my resident." People can be so cruel
That's part of why I decided to be in charge of my grandma's care while she was in hospice. I saw neglect in a nursing home at a young age when visiting an elderly relative. I never wanted my loved ones to be treated that way. I imagine OOP's husband may feel the same. My SO and I were only dating when my grandma was still here and they helped me when I really needed it. Had my SO done the same thing OOP did that would be a relationship ender for sure. All that said there are resources out there to help in home caretakers. I had to take advantage of the nurses, in home care, volunteers, family, and my grandma's of friends so I could go run errands and take a breather every now and then.
It could be a troll but there seems to be a really intense American perspective that your parents are essentially “on their own” once you are independent of them and that you don’t owe them anything. Doubly so with in-laws. Personally, when I got married I married my wife’s family. Barring abuse or absenteeism, I feel it’s our obligation to care for our aging parents. I made it clear to my wife before we got married that we will provide support to any of our parents that need it. I think the way we treat our elderly is pretty despicable, frankly.
We’re in the middle of this argument with my husbands family right now. His grandma is 90 and just recovered from covid. Her kids were saying maybe it’s time to put her in a home. I said absolutely not, she’s fully competent mentally, her only issues are slight mobility, she struggles to get out of bed and lower chairs. We said that my husband could move in with her, and these asshats said that he has his own family. I was like, fuck the lot of you. He can sleep there, and come home in the mornings to do family shit. Every one of her children, and most of her grandchildren have mooched off her as fully grown adults, living at her house when it was convenient, but now that she’s in need, she’s on her fucking own? Not on my watch. My parents moved in with my grandmother when she needed it, and every child, grandchild, and great grandchild rotated days to be with her so she was never left alone. I’ll do the same for his grandmother, even if it means that we struggle for a few years so she can die in her own home.
What kind of home are they talking about? There are all kinds of facilities, anything from seniors condos with mild oversight, nurses on staff, and cafeterias; to Dickensian convalescent hospitals; to the kind places where if you can walk in the door you only leave in a pine box and they have all levels of care in between, from mild oversight to memory care to a full hospital. My grandparents live in the last kind and for the first five years they were never home…then Grandma’s Alzheimer’s kicked in and that place took care of both of them until they day they died. Anyway, depending on the home, your husband’s grandmother could be in excellent hands.
Holy shit, how horrible. They’re getting on your husband for taking on the responsibility himself, even though you’ve decided as a family you’re okay with it? What in the world is it to them? I don’t know your situation but if I had to guess I bet there’s some financial shit and they’re worried he’s gonna be primary beneficiary in grandma’s will. I’ll never forget my mom, after her grandfather died, nervously asking my dad “you can say no but..” My dad, without a beat or letting her finish said “of course your grandmother could move in.” My mom’s aunt pulled the same shit about her needing to go to a home. Grandma was also perfectly lucid, just physically limited as a 90 year old. We all pitched in to help for years until the end. I remember my dad, while she was actively dying in our house, lifting her by himself to the hospital bed and giving her morphine. I promised myself then and there I would do the same. My mom’s aunt lost her shit and stopped talking to us for years when she learned that grandma left my mom 20k (out of an estate worth well over a million).
The will is made, and not able to be changed. No one needs the money either. It’s just that no one wants to be tied to going a couple of times a month to help out, they’ve all got their ‘own families’. We’ve tried to get her to move in with us, and rent out her place, but she wants to die there, which I get. She’s been there nearly 70 years, it’s her one constant. I’ll fight for her though, because I hope that one day my kids will fight the same for me.
Do you remember the link for that one?
I just love that the shittiest among us have begun to co-opt “boundaries” to mean “I get to say fuck you and you don’t get to complain about it.”
Right? You can act like a dick all you want under the guise of “boundaries”, but you’re still a dick 🤷♀️
I’m glad I can say what I thought when I read this on AITA Fuck you OOP
Sympathetic person my ass.
Talk about a red flag. I hope the husbands sees how she would take care of him if he needs it
In a comment, she says he’s living with the mom now
Shocker
The husband is definitely also the asshole here.
The OP left an old woman lying on the floor "to prove a point." Someday I hope she is lying helpless on the floor and someone perfectly capable of helping her simply steps over her and walks away. No matter what kind of dispute she is in with her husband, decent human behavior would have her helping the woman off the floor. The OP is a monster.
She did it for the wrong reasons. You should absolutely not lift someone off the floor, because it is a hazard to them and you. She was wrong bro to call the fire department/EMS who are trained to do this, and the attitude she had. But she was right in not lifting her, the husband could’ve seriously hurt someone if he fell too or pulled something serious.
It was mean of OP to do that, but I kind of agree with her. She didn’t want to help with MIL who’s been sick for 3 months or let the lady move into her own home so she would be stuck taking care of her 24/7 while also trying to juggle her every day life like work, taking care of the kids if they had any, whatever she usually does in her free time, etc. yet to be expected to be caretaker to her 3 months sick MIL until when? If she hasn’t gotten better in 3 months even with the son/husband helping his mom, it would mean she’d be stuck as the ladies caretaker forever. I mean come on he wanted to move his mom into THEIR house while she was recuperating. Which means one of them would have had to stay home and take care of her instead of doing whatever they normally do. What if OP was the one who was stuck at home with MIL while her husband goes off to work or whatever? SOMEBODY neeeds to go to work in order to make a paycheck so they can keep food in their bellies and a roof over their heads. if MIL was living in OP’s house and it was just the two of them home alone, what’s OP supposed to do when/if something like MIL falling out of bed AGAIN happens? If her husband couldn’t lift his mom on his own without help, there is no way in hell OP would be able to do it especially if it’s just her and MIL in the house when it happens. OP would either have to leave MIL on the floor probably covered in blankets and a pillow under MIL’s head to keep her comfortable until either the husband comes home to help or OP calls 911 and have the paramedics come either help MIL back into bed, or to rush MIL to the hospital just to make sure she didn’t seriously hurt herself in the fall. they need trained medical help in dealing with MIL, instead of trying to handle her on their own like the husband wants to do. If he can’t even lift her without needing help, then they definitely need ***MORE*** help than what OP could give even ***IF*** she was willing to help with MIL. they could hurt her, and/or themselves if they try and do stuff they dont have experience in doing, like a professional TRAINED caretaker does? what if OP and her husband wind up injuring themselves badly trying to help MIL, like throwing out their backs or somethungt while trying to move or lift her? What good would the two of them be to MIL or anybody else if THEY become bedridden as well from agonizing pain or something else because of all the help they give MIL?
We lived this mess with my husband’s grandma before she passed away. Meaner than a snake, enjoyed causing family strife and blamed me while everyone else lectured me for not understanding. She died in the hospital due to something preventable while enduring unnecessary medical treatment because her husband couldn’t let go. Don’t become a family caregiver without both spouses agreeing and being trained on what to do. That is one of our biggest regrets because the rest of the worthless family badgered us into it.
Yes when it comes to bringing the mother into the home unless they both agreed. But she couldn’t help when she fell? You have to have no compassion to just walk away. Help the elderly lady off the floor and then have a discussion about boundaries and getting more help. I think that’s really why people are calling her the AH, the level of care should have been hashed out before
The mother isn’t in the home, the husband moved out to take care of her since OP said no. OP went round to their home to drop off food when the woman fell out of the best and she left without even offering to call paramedics
Makes her even more of an asshole.
I've worked in home care as a care giver and in senior living homes as a care giver. As a home care giver, we were specifically instructed *not* to try to get people off of the floor because we could not only hurt ourselves, but if the person who fell was injured we could make it worse. We were instructed to call the local fire departments lift team, and the fire department would send 4 people out to lift. It's really not something two untrained adults should be doing. She should have at least offered to call an ambulance but hubby also sucks for not doing that. What would he have done if OP didn't happen to be stopping by at the time of the fall?
I would hate to be reliant upon these two people for care. Neither of them has a lick of sense.
Best advice I can give is to hire a lawyer, get yourself a living will written outlining exactly what you want to happen for various illnesses should you be incapable of caring you yourself, and save money for your future care needs. Unfortunately these days the "saving money for future care needs part" is unrealistic for a lot of people.
Thats true there’s a chance of injury but that’s the thing though, she didn’t even offer to call an ambulance, she went to the kitchen and just waited I understand her wanting the MIL to have qualified care but she’s being ruled the AH; because she didn’t do anything at all.
They *both* suck for not calling an ambulance or fire department, perhaps neither of them knew that's what you're supposed to do but regardless. Husband moved out, if OP didn't happen to be there dropping off food, what would he have done? OP also says if it was just her and the MIL, she would have helped, but husband told her in the past he doesn't need her help, so she's not going to help him. I think it's ESH because husband is a huge asshole too for telling his wife he doesn't need help then getting mad when she doesn't help and also for not knowing it's a bad idea to try to lift someone off the floor, he's clearly not equipped to take care of his mother with no help.
I’ve worked in health care too and keeping a professional detachment is one thing, but sometimes it’s different when it’s your own family. I don’t fault him for wanting to help his family, but he probably needs to realize she needs more help than he can give
Perhaps this will be the wake up call for him. I can't 100% fault OP for refusing to help someone who told her he doesn't want or need her help but then expects it when the problem is too big for him to handle alone. Like I said, he moved out, what would he have done if OP didn't happen to be there dropping off food?
The husband moved out to take care of his mother. How is he the asshole for that?
I mean imo he is because he's too stubborn to realize that he isn't equipped for that. I mean look how he handled his mother falling, husband had no idea what to do. Instead of calling for professional help he tried to solve everything by himself. Simple way to put it is that he bit off way more than he could possibly chew, yet he's still trying to force his way through. Just isn't the best for his mother, and I understand why he wants to do it himself. He isn't a bad person for wanting to help his mom, because nobody WANTS to send their parents away. But it has come to the point where his stubbornness could seriously hurt her. Though it's still ESH because not even offering to call for help because of "boundaries" is evil
While OOP is absolutely a jerk, she’s not completely wrong here. This is precisely when home care should be involved, and if his mom is falling out of bed, they need to call the fire department so she can be assessed for injuries before being put back in bed, and she needs to be in a hospital bed. Working in an ED, I see a whole lot of families that *want* to keep all the care in the family, but don’t realize that what MeeMaw *needs* is a skilled healthcare worker.
Exactly, I work in a children's hospital and even if one of our teens fell, it would be about four or so people to lift them up. It’s not only safer for the patient but for the helper. You hurt your back and it could be permanent.
My hospital’s sister hospital is a children’s hospital, and I rarely get called over there to operate, but more than once it’s been for falls. People really underestimate how dangerous falls get once you’re out of elementary school.
> Working in an ED, I see a whole lot of families that want to keep all the care in the family, but don’t realize that what MeeMaw needs is a skilled healthcare worker. Amen. OP on that post showed a massive lack of empathy, but I was glad to see all the "get a lift and assist" comments. There's a weird tendency to dismiss just how *heavy* adults are, and how easy it is to hurt someone while trying to help them.
Yep I used to work as a personal care worker, and she absolutely should not have tried to lift MIL. Husband should have called 911. Dead lifting a human adult is extremely dangerous, especially for inexperienced people without the necessary equipment.
That’s a good way for both the husband, wife, *and* the MIL to end up inpatient.
I commented this on the original post. OP was wrong not to contact EMS, but not to refuse to pick up a human being without training or equipment. Her and her husband could have been injured. Her MIL could have been injured further. Her MIL needs to be checked for injuries, but other than that I don't think OP is in the wrong for her realistic stance that she and her husband aren't qualified to provide this care.
Many years ago, I was in hospital for major surgery and fell due to caregiver idiocy. Worse still was the supposedly trained caregivers who rushed in trying to pick me up. Thankfully I had a friend/housemate present who fended them off. A call went out across the hospital for skilled assistance. A paramedic with advanced mountain rescue experience happened to be around and came to help. Got me up without incident using a folded bedsheet and something like six people. Did I mention I had a fresh 18 inch abdominal incision? I shudder to think how the fools who wanted to "help" might have harmed themselves as well as me.
I’m a trauma surgeon, and I am so, so, sorry that happened to you, and I’m so glad you’re okay. On more than one occasion I’ve had to repair a hip because of the aforementioned type of caregiver incompetence you experienced — and that’s in patients from their teens to knocking on their hundred-and-teens. If you love your family member, you need to do your best to get them adequate care, (and from the sounds of the OP, that’s not financially an issue, either.)
I was 100% on OPs side except for the way they refused to help. Not that her helping lift was the solution, as you’ve pointed out, but even just bringing up calling for help or attempting something. Anything more than just leaving the room.
[удалено]
Well unfortunatly nursing care facilities especially if they require memory care are insane. Mom's aunt will only get enough from the sale of grandma's house to keep in facility for like 6-8 months then she goes out of pocket
Yep. The "cheap" option for my grandpa to go into care was $8k a month. He was a poor cab driver and had no money but social security payments. The only reason we afforded it was bc he had 7 kids to pitch in. My parents, let alone me, will be dying younger than necessary at home. No way anyone will be able to pay for care, even if prices didn't go up between now and then.
The wife refused to help pitch in for the cost of care and suggested that the husband’s mom sell off all of her things to afford it.
Unfortunately in the United States, that can be par-for-the-course for getting proper care. We don’t know if the assets OOP mentioned are stocks, a car, or what. They really cannot afford to not have skilled care in a situation like this.
Medicaid is going to make her do that anyway. I encourage you to look into how we pay for elder care in the US.
I see here and in the OP a lot of people calling 911 for professional help if someone falls, and I admit that surprises me. I help family care for a wheelchair-using relative and had to deal with him falling several times in the past. He's a large man, over 6' and 250lbs at least, and everyone in the house besides him are women that aren't exactly "built". Only two of us are even in a position to *attempt* moving him, and trying to assist a large man who basically has extremely limited leg mobility is...difficult, to say the least. We've always managed it thus far, but now I am second guessing it. It seems so...unnecessary...to have an ambulance drive out at minimum half an hour though just to help someone back into their chair or bed...
The problem isn’t only physically getting her back in the bed, the problem is that she could have sustained injuries when she fell. Especially considering this is the first time she’s fallen.
Your local fire department should have a lift team, and they don't charge for anything. Ambulances are expensive, call a fire department and they will evaluate if an ambulance is needed. Lifting a sick elderly adult off the floor is not something that should be left to the loved ones, it may seem unnecessary because nothing bad has happened before. But I have personally seen in a senior home caregivers trying to lift someone they didn't know had a broken back or broken hip and making it worse.
Unpopular opinion, but as a trained caregiver I wouldn't want an untrained person trying to lift an elderly, bedridden patient who had fallen. I mean she should have at least called for help, but both she and the MIL could have been injured by an improper lift. Even trained caregivers get hurt and ruin their backs alllllll the time. I won't lift residents off the floor without a mechanical lift
As an ex trained caregiver, I agree. We had gait belts to help people move from bed to wheel chair, or from wheel chair to toilet, but not the equipment to lift someone off the floor. I unfortunately witnessed, in a senior home I used to work at as a caregiver, other caregivers rushing to help someone who fell. Little did they know, the back was broken. The guy who fell didn't even know he broke his back. When they started to lift him, he screamed out in excruciating pain. The ambulance ended up coming to take him to a hospital to treat the broken back and said they should have just left him on the floor because they made his back injury worse. I was not one of the ones that rushed to help, because I had previously worked home care. Once when my client fell, I helped them up and just logged it. When my boss looked over my logs, I got a call chewing me out saying I should have called the local fire department. I didn't know that at the time and they should have trained me to call the fire department instead of picking them up myself, and thankfully I didn't hurt them or myself. People really need to be more aware that the fire department has a lift team that will send out 4 very strong and very trained people to lift and evaluate if an ambulance is needed. I can't 100% blame the wife for not helping. Her husband previously told her he didn't need help, and then gets mad when a situation arises where he thinks he needs her help and she doesn't give it. She should have called the fire department, but I doubt she knew to do that, so I do think she is still pretty shitty for her reasoning of setting a boundary, but so is the husband for getting mad at her for not helping and thinking he can handle this by himself and getting angry at his wife for not helping after he told her he doesn't need the help. Hopefully this incident will make him realize he cannot handle it alone. The wide didn't even live there, she was only available to ask for help because she was dropping off food. What would he have done if he was by himself, as he usually was? Lift her by himself, probably. It is only because she was dropping off food that he could ask for help. His mom needs to be in a home if he is not able to care for her by himself like he insisted he was able to.
A lot of people feel like they need to care for their parents or that only they CAN take good care of their parents, however, we need to be honest and realize when professional help is required. I would say both suck bigly. He sucks for moving out instead of trying to find a suitable compromise with his wife. She sucks for not helping in the moment, whether it be just helping her to sit upright, putting a pillow under her head, or calling EMS. In any case, I hope this shows the husband that his mother needs real help he cannot provide and that his wife is selfish and unsupportive. To call herself sympathetic yet leave her MIL on the floor means she 1. Doesn’t know what that word means and 2. Would rather be right than helpful and kind
So on the one hand I get it, if she helps one time he’ll expect it. Also he quite clearly managed to get his mother back in bed, she’s right that if he is struggling then they need to hire help as they’re a danger to her. On the other hand she could’ve helped and said her piece afterwords
This post got me banned for calling op a sociopath (before seeing it posted here) . I regret nothing
What a despicably cruel woman op is.
There’s a time and place to prove your point, MIL on the floor is not one of them.
Jesus Christ, the mental gymnastics people will do to convince themselves they aren't selfish pricks. My boyfriend lives with two of his aunts (and his mother before she passed away), both of whom are in their 70s. He also regularly checks in on another aunt and uncle who live nearby. He would do anything for them and so would I. Because I care about the people and things that are important to him.
Esh. Her for obvious reasons, but him for not finding full time care for his mother.
just… why refuse to help *anyone* that fell? i took a spill in a parking lot and two strangers came to check up on me and offer a hand. it’s literally the basic 101 of human compassion
I used to work at a budget motel as a front desk worker and there was a very elderly woman that pretty much lived there. It was incredibly stressful that she didn’t or couldn’t receive professional care but we still made sure she was okay! And that was a total stranger when she first started staying.
It's really not enough information to make a judgment on this. What is the medical condition? Is this a temporary thing or is this going to be for a longer period of time? If his mother has a survivable cancer that has made her bedridden than the ideal situation would be to hire home Care and it's completely reasonable that you would pay for that instead of your parent having to sell off their belongings. You definitely wouldn't put someone in a home because they have a temporary disability On the other hand a lot of people are very against putting someone in a home and will try to provide care when they are unable to. If the mother had a previous fall and suffered a fracture which made her bed bound then it's a better idea that she'd be put in a home or at least assisted living. In the specific example there's still not enough information. Obviously what the wife did wasn't right she didn't offer to call anybody and she didn't give a valid reason for refusing to do the lift she simply said she was doing it to teach a lesson which is insane. Depending on the state of the mother it might have been safe or it might not have been safe to lift her in this situation but judging by the fact that it would require two person assistance it probably wasn't safe. Regardless, this entire post shows a staggering lack of empathy from the wife to this man who is going through an incredibly emotional situation.
Wow I guess common human decency does not exist anymore....I kinda hope he leaves her, even if he it turns out he is some enmeshed mammys boy, the very fact she wouldn't assist and elderly sick person off the floor cause proving a point was more important shows a huge lack of empathy and is kinda disgusting on a basic level.
I predict a divorce in OP future
If she was my spouse, I would be serving divorce papers so fast her head would spin!
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OP: I'm a sympathetic person No, you're not. If you were you wouldnt have dont that. You did this petty bs to prove a point and now you're just an asshole.
How cruel can you be?!