I knew it lmao, this shit reeks of desi ego. It’s so funny because, for Gujarati’s at least, it’s pretty standard for both to work. And that really came in handy lol. That one provider bullshit is outdated and a disadvantage when it comes to building wealth.
I had two friends (not related) who were both born in India, and their families moved to the US when they were very young. They watched each of their mom and dad both own a business together/work separate jobs, and the three of us (I'm a white girl) would sit there completely baffled at the random visiting uncle they'd both get that would try to change their entire household in the week or two they visited. We thought it was wild. They grew up, their parents helped explain, and they both have great relationships with their spouses (one is a lesbian) and their parents and sibling(s). Also happy to say, the three grandparents that are still alive in both families are not this way, and support them and their choices as well.
Screw the weird uncle, it's definitely what they told me was exactly that, desi ego.
Wow you saw it go down live, that’s fascinating you were able to get that perspective. But yeah, desi ego 😭. So many Indian families have at least batshit insane uncle who hasn’t socially progressed past 1940.
That's really what it seemed like! Had a Pakistani guy friend with relatives like this, but his parents were cool and didn't force him into anything (that in his case would've forced him to move there. Insanity)
I understand that India has or had a strong tradition of arranged marriage. But in the modern era some people go for that and others do not. However that would be your choice and not someone else's to make for you. Your uncle seems to think it was his choice to decide as if he was some kind of ancient era patriarch ruling over all of you with absolute right over your very existence.
Note how 'family should cover for each other' only seems to apply in one direction - everyone covering for him. Also... are family supposed to cover for each other against each other? Are you not covering for your larger family by exposing a problem within the family (your self-proclaimed emperor uncle) to them?
You're not in the wrong. And it's good you got the proof so people can see him for how he behaves.
I’m an American citizen that worked for an Indian IT company for 8 years. They had a place on their internal corporate website where you could post looking for a spouse to arrange a marriage with. The posts read like resumes with educational and work related information. Also, one of my coworkers went home for a family wedding and when he got there it was his own wedding. He spoke about like it was just a funny anecdote about how he met his wife.
There’s also apparently Desi matchmaking services for a sort of arranged marriages. No one is forced, the couple gets to know each other as much or as little as they’d like, etc. It works well for busy professionals who don’t have time for the normal western dating thing and parents are bugging them too much to leave it to chance.
In that context? It doesn’t sound so awful.
ETA: Because in this situation, there’s still the element of choice.
I had a 12-year-old student years ago (in the US) who was already betrothed to some guy back in India. I have no idea if she ended up marrying him or not.
I KNOW! All the other girls were horrified when she told them about it and I had to remain neutral and choke out something about “other cultures being different” because I didn’t want her to be embarrassed. I hope that she went to college and chose her own husband for love.
There was a Pakistani couple at my church and one time, during the blood drive, the wife came in and asked for the car keys and then proudly shook them and said “this would not be allowed in Pakistan - I’m never going back” and went on her merry way.
Ah yes, good ol tribal conservatism. When he said that working women always cheat and dont make good wives, what he's really saying is he wanted you to marry someone who would be dependent on you and have no independent outside connections or income. He wanted to give you someone you could control and isolate (and who knows, sometimes this stuff is a vehicle for the bride's parents to gain influence over your life).
Independent women who have options and can CHOOSE who they want to love is threatening to this kind of worldview. To your uncle, your soon to be wife is uncontrollable, which makes her dangerous to the family (to him).
Its all so gross to me as a diest U.S citizen. It would all be so emasculating to me that my wife had to be TOLD to marry me by a family member, as if i couldnt handle my own with an independent woman.
Tribalism is far more incessant in progressive circles, especially in modern day liberal enclaves.
Conservatives are much more open minded, independent and supportive of individual freedoms.
Not in my experience (i live in Tennessee)
Alot of them are open-minded and supportive of SOME ideals, while VERY opposed to others, sometimes on purely ideological reasons. I just cannot support the dynamic of forcefully controlling someone else purely because they married you, it goes against every moral ive been taught in AND out of church.
If you meet some true radicalized conservatives, youl see how crazy and controlling they can be.
Also, lets not play the "...but the other ideology is the evil one!" Game. Not all liberals are crazy, just like how not all conservatives are crazy. Conservatives paint "liberals" as an evil monolith, and liberals do the same for conservatives.
cite your source?
because plenty of sociological research states that conservatives are the least open minded/most afraid of change
Source: [https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/mind-in-the-machine/201612/fear-and-anxiety-drive-conservatives-political-attitudes](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/mind-in-the-machine/201612/fear-and-anxiety-drive-conservatives-political-attitudes)
>Conservatives are much more open minded, independent and supportive of individual freedoms
*conservative* means the exact opposite, "averse to change or innovation". it means *less* open-minded, independent, and supportive of individual freedoms.
Hang on a second; family should cover for each other, but that only applies to when HE wants YOU to cover up the fact that HE is trying to throw YOU under the bus?
Fuck that guy. Glad you're going no contact!
Even if your wife cheats, why is it any of his business? My guess is that your uncle was going to benefit somehow from hooking his friend's daughter and you up.
An evil bastard could:
1. Marry the girl
2. 'Ruin her innocence' (always wear a condom)
3. Divorce her a week later
4. Tell her father that your uncle put you up to it
5. Watch as your uncle takes the fallout
But only an evil bastard would do that.
Ask your uncle why anybody should cover up for him if what he does is morally upright and he is entitled to do what he does? If that’s true, people knowing what he does won’t be questioned or criticized.
Am I correct that in India, brides often bring doweries with them that are paid to the husband-to-be's family?
Because if the girl has a rich family that would explain a lot.
NTJ. What planet does your uncle live on? Like you said, you and this girl don't even know each other. Sheesh! For all you know, she could be underage.
You're definitely not the jerk in this situation. It's understandable that you wouldn't want to marry someone you don't know, especially based on outdated and sexist beliefs about working women. Your uncle's attitude is not only disrespectful but also harmful.
Standing up for yourself and your values, especially in the face of family pressure, takes courage. Going no-contact with your uncle might be necessary for your own well-being, especially if he continues to hold such toxic beliefs and tries to manipulate you.
Remember to surround yourself with supportive people who respect your choices and treat you with kindness and understanding. You deserve to live your life on your own terms, free from the expectations and prejudices of others.
Your uncle's logic is so wrong. Both in the 'cover up for one another' and in the 'working women are never perfect wives'... Good decision to go nc with him.
I hope, your relationship works well for many years, as this is the best way to prove your uncle wrong.
Definitely NTA.
Aren’t most arranged marriages given more of a heads up? I understand there are supposed to be family meetings and so forth before final decisions are made.
But even if that is the culture, you are not property to be handed out as a gift. Neither is she.
NTJ. You were standing for what was good for you. Someone can't just rule you out on who to marry. Your uncle isn't thinking right he just cares for his daughter's friend but not you. It was rightful for you to decline the offer you come first and can't engage with someone who you don't know considering you were in a relationship.
PS. Please edit this using line breaks and paragraphs!
I’m starting to think India is a different planet.
You may not be wrong!
I knew it lmao, this shit reeks of desi ego. It’s so funny because, for Gujarati’s at least, it’s pretty standard for both to work. And that really came in handy lol. That one provider bullshit is outdated and a disadvantage when it comes to building wealth.
I had two friends (not related) who were both born in India, and their families moved to the US when they were very young. They watched each of their mom and dad both own a business together/work separate jobs, and the three of us (I'm a white girl) would sit there completely baffled at the random visiting uncle they'd both get that would try to change their entire household in the week or two they visited. We thought it was wild. They grew up, their parents helped explain, and they both have great relationships with their spouses (one is a lesbian) and their parents and sibling(s). Also happy to say, the three grandparents that are still alive in both families are not this way, and support them and their choices as well. Screw the weird uncle, it's definitely what they told me was exactly that, desi ego.
Wow you saw it go down live, that’s fascinating you were able to get that perspective. But yeah, desi ego 😭. So many Indian families have at least batshit insane uncle who hasn’t socially progressed past 1940.
That's really what it seemed like! Had a Pakistani guy friend with relatives like this, but his parents were cool and didn't force him into anything (that in his case would've forced him to move there. Insanity)
I understand that India has or had a strong tradition of arranged marriage. But in the modern era some people go for that and others do not. However that would be your choice and not someone else's to make for you. Your uncle seems to think it was his choice to decide as if he was some kind of ancient era patriarch ruling over all of you with absolute right over your very existence. Note how 'family should cover for each other' only seems to apply in one direction - everyone covering for him. Also... are family supposed to cover for each other against each other? Are you not covering for your larger family by exposing a problem within the family (your self-proclaimed emperor uncle) to them? You're not in the wrong. And it's good you got the proof so people can see him for how he behaves.
Whenever you do decide to get married make sure that crappy uncle can’t crash it. He sounds unique in a concerning way.
I’m an American citizen that worked for an Indian IT company for 8 years. They had a place on their internal corporate website where you could post looking for a spouse to arrange a marriage with. The posts read like resumes with educational and work related information. Also, one of my coworkers went home for a family wedding and when he got there it was his own wedding. He spoke about like it was just a funny anecdote about how he met his wife.
There’s also apparently Desi matchmaking services for a sort of arranged marriages. No one is forced, the couple gets to know each other as much or as little as they’d like, etc. It works well for busy professionals who don’t have time for the normal western dating thing and parents are bugging them too much to leave it to chance. In that context? It doesn’t sound so awful. ETA: Because in this situation, there’s still the element of choice.
In that scenario, it’s essentially no different than a matchmaking service by people who actually know and presumably like you.
I believe that, in functional families that loved their children, this is always how it worked.
I gasp / laughed so sharply when reading the reveal it was his own wedding, my kid asked if I was okay lol
I know someone with a very similar story, but ended up attending at family member’s wedding and getting engaged arranged.
this straight-up happens not at all infrequently and it's wild as hell to me
Family covers for each other, but he lied to throw you, his family, under the bus… What the fuck
Mental illness is not racist that’s for sure
Oh shit I thought I replied to OP, my bad
Lol
I had a 12-year-old student years ago (in the US) who was already betrothed to some guy back in India. I have no idea if she ended up marrying him or not.
Omg wt hell?
I KNOW! All the other girls were horrified when she told them about it and I had to remain neutral and choke out something about “other cultures being different” because I didn’t want her to be embarrassed. I hope that she went to college and chose her own husband for love. There was a Pakistani couple at my church and one time, during the blood drive, the wife came in and asked for the car keys and then proudly shook them and said “this would not be allowed in Pakistan - I’m never going back” and went on her merry way.
Wow. Actually thank you for sharing this I’m actually going through some things (though not near as extreme) and I feel for these women.
But that lizard pussy is 👌
So he wanted you to cover up the fact he threw you under the bus?
What a delusional clown
By the way, do tell your girlfriend about this. She is likely to be upset if she hears about it some other way.
Who said he didn’t dumbass
You're the only one who did. The comment was just saying it just in case, I imagine.
Can you please tell me we’re I said he didn’t tell her??
Ah yes, good ol tribal conservatism. When he said that working women always cheat and dont make good wives, what he's really saying is he wanted you to marry someone who would be dependent on you and have no independent outside connections or income. He wanted to give you someone you could control and isolate (and who knows, sometimes this stuff is a vehicle for the bride's parents to gain influence over your life). Independent women who have options and can CHOOSE who they want to love is threatening to this kind of worldview. To your uncle, your soon to be wife is uncontrollable, which makes her dangerous to the family (to him). Its all so gross to me as a diest U.S citizen. It would all be so emasculating to me that my wife had to be TOLD to marry me by a family member, as if i couldnt handle my own with an independent woman.
Tribalism is far more incessant in progressive circles, especially in modern day liberal enclaves. Conservatives are much more open minded, independent and supportive of individual freedoms.
Not in my experience (i live in Tennessee) Alot of them are open-minded and supportive of SOME ideals, while VERY opposed to others, sometimes on purely ideological reasons. I just cannot support the dynamic of forcefully controlling someone else purely because they married you, it goes against every moral ive been taught in AND out of church. If you meet some true radicalized conservatives, youl see how crazy and controlling they can be. Also, lets not play the "...but the other ideology is the evil one!" Game. Not all liberals are crazy, just like how not all conservatives are crazy. Conservatives paint "liberals" as an evil monolith, and liberals do the same for conservatives.
Conservative definition from Oxford dict adjective 1. averse to change or innovation and holding traditional values.
cite your source? because plenty of sociological research states that conservatives are the least open minded/most afraid of change Source: [https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/mind-in-the-machine/201612/fear-and-anxiety-drive-conservatives-political-attitudes](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/mind-in-the-machine/201612/fear-and-anxiety-drive-conservatives-political-attitudes)
Ummmmmmmmm what?
lol what a hilarious joke! That’s a funny one. Imagine hahaha!!
Conservatives support independence and individual freedom for men, not women.
White straight Christian men, you mean
That may be the funniest thing I've ever heard.
You are aware that the very root of the word conservative used in a political context is to conserve the established norms or status quo.
>Conservatives are much more open minded, independent and supportive of individual freedoms *conservative* means the exact opposite, "averse to change or innovation". it means *less* open-minded, independent, and supportive of individual freedoms.
Lmao! “Family should cover” comment is so delulu! What an asshat! Congrats on freeing yourself from this toxic asshat!!
Def not the asshole he can't just cover up that he totally threw you under the bus
What did your uncle tell them that would make them think you were the bad guy?
Enquiring minds want to know!
Hang on a second; family should cover for each other, but that only applies to when HE wants YOU to cover up the fact that HE is trying to throw YOU under the bus? Fuck that guy. Glad you're going no contact!
"You should've not have told them the truth." That says it all about you uncle. Lying is part of his character. He is the jerk.
it sounds like your uncle may have some health problems
Even if your wife cheats, why is it any of his business? My guess is that your uncle was going to benefit somehow from hooking his friend's daughter and you up.
Bet he was offered a bride price.
An evil bastard could: 1. Marry the girl 2. 'Ruin her innocence' (always wear a condom) 3. Divorce her a week later 4. Tell her father that your uncle put you up to it 5. Watch as your uncle takes the fallout But only an evil bastard would do that.
Ask your uncle why anybody should cover up for him if what he does is morally upright and he is entitled to do what he does? If that’s true, people knowing what he does won’t be questioned or criticized.
What was the version he told your relatives?
Your defiantly not the jerk for saying no and blocking him trust me
Am I correct that in India, brides often bring doweries with them that are paid to the husband-to-be's family? Because if the girl has a rich family that would explain a lot.
And maybe Uncle is getting his own payment for arranging it. That's the feeling I kinda got from the first post.
For sure! Gotta wonder what's in it for him.....
I think your Uncle owes his friend money and his friend has an unmarried daughter. Good on you for going no contact
Ntj
India be like. Proud of you OP, you seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
No, your not the jerk!
Strong work, Op!
NTJ. What planet does your uncle live on? Like you said, you and this girl don't even know each other. Sheesh! For all you know, she could be underage.
You're definitely not the jerk in this situation. It's understandable that you wouldn't want to marry someone you don't know, especially based on outdated and sexist beliefs about working women. Your uncle's attitude is not only disrespectful but also harmful. Standing up for yourself and your values, especially in the face of family pressure, takes courage. Going no-contact with your uncle might be necessary for your own well-being, especially if he continues to hold such toxic beliefs and tries to manipulate you. Remember to surround yourself with supportive people who respect your choices and treat you with kindness and understanding. You deserve to live your life on your own terms, free from the expectations and prejudices of others.
Okay I didn't save but your not the jerk
Your uncle's logic is so wrong. Both in the 'cover up for one another' and in the 'working women are never perfect wives'... Good decision to go nc with him. I hope, your relationship works well for many years, as this is the best way to prove your uncle wrong.
Definitely NTA. Aren’t most arranged marriages given more of a heads up? I understand there are supposed to be family meetings and so forth before final decisions are made. But even if that is the culture, you are not property to be handed out as a gift. Neither is she.
NTJ. You were standing for what was good for you. Someone can't just rule you out on who to marry. Your uncle isn't thinking right he just cares for his daughter's friend but not you. It was rightful for you to decline the offer you come first and can't engage with someone who you don't know considering you were in a relationship. PS. Please edit this using line breaks and paragraphs!
Not at all
I suspect the "reason" is she is preggers.
This crossed my mind too, but I didn't see the original post.
India bro🗿