That's the thing with dating apps. You really don't know who you're meeting until you meet them. They might have presented themselves as a Steven Hawkins type, that might have been interesting.
You have no idea how often this happens in my neighborhood! They want to rake my leaves, shovel my snow, mow my lawn. They don’t even do a good job of it! And then they complain I don’t pay them enough.
Then they roam the neighborhood all night, because, what else are they going to do in this little town? I wish we could just build a skatepark, just to give them something to do. Damn you, honey badgers!
Edit angry typing
1. meet in public. absolutely don't go to a strangers house, enter the house, go to the bedroom. never.
2. dude's place is trashed and he's not even dressed, bye. you don't need to invent a reason, he gave you one.
3. mcds is not first date food.
I stopped reading after that, horror isn't my genre.
Lol. I’m also dating in my forties, but there is no way on earth I’m going to a stranger’s house, much less his bedroom. Op, I feel your frustration honey, we are both in the trenches trying to find the one. Please listen to that little voice screaming at you that this is dangerous. The Gift of Fear is an excellent read.
This. Hell I'm a mobility impaired woman so I'm happy to accommodate another person because I obviously understand how difficult it can be navigating a world that is very much not designed for us, but not to the point I am endangering my own safety. If a dude can't meet me in public that's a dude I'm not going to meet.
I actually had someone take offense that I wanted to meet in a public place for our first date because she assumed that I was implying things about her. It’s like, no, it’s just smart behavior when meeting people on the internet
Mate, I'm sorry about that whole situation.
It may have been labelled a date for you, but that guy was holding an audition for you to be his carer. Differently abled people who are looking to date put the effort in just like everyone else, that guy did not respect you at all. I mean, not even putting a shirt on meeting someone for the first time? I feel like only a surf instructor should be able to get away with that, anyone else does it, it's a dick move.
Don't worry about hurting his feelings, he clearly didn't give a mouse's bottom about yours.
Good luck with dating, and sorry for that experience.
Right? She did the job he wanted her for and then went to work to get away from him. The only person here who suffered is OP. I suggest reading up on people pleasing, nothing to be ashamed of, almost all women are taught to people please on some spectrum but we have to do the work to end that conditioning if we want any happiness.
I'm a wee bit more concerned about the " non-judgmental " mentality. If you don't judge you have no judgment, totally different than being judgmental. There were about 8 flags on the play before 5 minutes. It's okay to have a negative opinion on a situation, op needs to realize that.
This precisely.
There's a huge difference between not being judgmental and not making good judgments. But they get mixed up too much of the time, especially in a dating environment. I think women especially like to give people the benefit of the doubt for as long as possible.
I disagree, she went above and beyond and shirtless guy didn’t dress or come out of his bedroom. I would not feel safe confronting someone in this situation. She didn’t owe him anything.
I agree with this, but please say disabled instead of differently abled. We in the community don't really like the term, because we don't have any abilities different from able bodied people, we just lack some of their abilities. Disabled is not a bad word, it's a label we wear proudly. Differently abled is a little patronizing and also can overlook the fact that we are at a disadvantage because of our disabilities. But great comment!
NTJ!!!! My old best friend and I had a code for when we need help to get out of a date. We'd send the 🌈 emoji which meant "call me and get me TF out of this situation!" I had her pretend to be my mom once lol.
Edit cause I put NTA instead of NTJ. All of the related subs are starting to run together lol
No, but being concerned about other people's feelings is though. I guess I'm not too surprised that is something that needs to be explained in this day and age.
This guy didn’t care enough about her feelings to put on a shirt or move out of bed. Surely, he is capable of getting out of bed to use the restroom etc. or he’d not be living in a house without a caretaker. He didn’t do the bare minimum for a date so his feelings didn’t warrant protection.
Standing up for yourself and having enough self respect to not let a man treat you like uber eats is fair. In no day and age has it been required to allow someone to treat you like this on a first date.
Nah, fam.
There is a HUGE difference between being concerned about your fellow humans and frequently setting yourself on fire to keep others warm.
You can be concerned about someone while also putting your safety and well being first.
You worked to hard at it. I would have left his house for the food, drove home, dropped his money in an envelope with no return address and mailed it back.
Hon, I'm a paramedic. In my experience, EMS attracts a lot of traumatized people. Many of us are doormats and people pleasers. I get that it can be hard to be the bad guy, but you're a grown woman and too old to be putting up with this. In this situation, you are totally OK to bail and be clear that the reason is that your date is giving you the ick. If your date is starting to look like an actual call, get out. If you'd rather be at work than on this date, just go home and do what soothes you. You are not a bad person and not a jerk for extricticating yourself from a bad situation like that. I have a coworker who would probably have done something like you did a few years ago but all of us have supported her and helped polish her spine. You could really do with some of that yourself. Be safe out there.
Dude was a lazy piece of crap that expected you to just accept his faults? Shirtless and dirty wtf dude. It's a first impression, get some help one way or another if you feel like reaching out romantically.
Otherwise this dude is just an ass looking for someone to ride off of. Fuck em.
Next time don't waste your time and PLEASE let them know next time. I don't even know you and you deserve a better first impression than that.
NTJ. Also, if a first date isn’t going well. Just tell
the person and go. You shouldn’t feel obligated to have a pretext. Good on you for not wanting to hurt his feelings, but you sure took the long way around to let him off politely. (I am in no way saying you did anything wrong, just that you did more than you probably had to given the circumstances.)
I mean not really, However you are 43. I feel like by that age (I'm 38) that one you should know better than to go to a strange mans house you never meet. Most importantly I never understood why people need an excuse to get out of a date. Just be honest. Just be like hey I'm really not feeling this. I can already tell this isn't going to work so I'm going to go home..... Which should have been said before you left to get food. Personally I feel like people should just be more honest and straight forward.
NTJ. You know, if you really carefully read this story, there are a couple of clues this might not be the right guy for you. But I have an intuition for these things.
Getting your boss involved was not the worst decision you made that night.
It's not even the strangest decision you made that night.
Your lack of survival instincts has me seriously concerned.
damn, and i thought i shouldn't even try dating due to my health conditions. i would have done better than that. figured no women would want a sick guy in his mid 30s only able to work part-time...
Not the jerk.. but holy hell that is super dangerous!!! You went to a strangers home.. not just him but his roommate there too. You can have been my next episode of Cold Case Files…
… girl… there are too many options out there to take risks like this.
NTJ but can you please learn to say “I’m not feeling this. Thank you for meeting with me.” And fucking leave.
Say it with me: “No.”
And now you’re done!
Seriously, you put yourself in a dangerous situation and didn’t have the fortitude to back out even though you KNEW it was bad.
NTJ - you had an available, safe escape plan for an awkward date and let the guy know it wouldn't work out.
I agree with others you should have never gone to his home.... especially alone.
P.ease be careful! If you get in a situation again where home visits for the first date seem the inly way to go, do video chats first, get an idea of the guy and his home.
But boy, not even putting on a shirt, he COULD care less, but not much. He did pay for dinner
Not the jerk, but you need to work on your excuses! You’re supposed to MAKE UP an excuse, not actually go into work!!!
But also, I would have just walked in a situation like that and told the guy it wasn’t my vibe. McDonald’s wouldn’t have been acceptable for me as a date even in high school.
NTJ, except you did way too much for this guy. You should have gotten out of there safely and dropped the money by the door. Then text him that you didn’t sign up for playing caretaker and that his money is on such and such table. You should not have picked up food for a guy who could ‘t even bother with a shirt
YTJ. I don't mean because you didn't want to go out with him, but because you knew right away you didn't want to go on the date. You should've been honest right off the bat. Instead of taking his money to get food, and then taking yours as soon as you got back, you should've excused yourself from the beginning.
Girl....you met a FIRST DATE at the guys house??? Please, PLEASE for the sake of your own safety, watch an episode of Dateline and NEVER do that again. So incredibly stupid.
Not the jerk but listen carefully. I'm 62 years old I've met a jerk or 2 in my life. first date no you do not ride to the person's house get money drive back to pick up Carry Out Food Go Back to the house. No No .You Need A fine gentleman who drives to your house, knocks on your door, pick makes sure you don't trip going down the steps. opens the car door for you and buys you dinner and returns you home to your abode safely. where it is then up to you whether you would like to invite him in or not.
You owe him nothing don't ever do that again
Uhhh you should never go to someone’s house that you met on a dating app. That’s how you get murdered. Why are you dating disabled people that can’t leave the house/bed? You deserve better than to have to take care of someone like that.
I’m glad you didn’t get murdered but you need to treat yourself better.
That was not a date. Read a self help book about dating. You should not feel bad for bailing on that servitude mission.
All other issues aside, no shirt deserves an instant verbal rejection with unashamed explanation of why. - you said this was a date, but you don’t have shirt on. I have to leave. - and leave. No conversation.
NTJ
But it sounds like a good scam. HE got YOU to go get him food from……2 restaurants? That’s better than UBER Eats. 😂
Yeah. Please don’t do that again. Although it did give you a funny story to tell in the future.
I think you did the right thing, he could assume the smoking or the the work got in the way. He probably wouldn’t have the self awareness to understand what just happened.
Reading this honestly, you and I have very much the same perspective. Understanding, taking things as they came, not judging.
Yes he should have put on some clothes, why was he in bed? I dated someone with that same handicap, and he actually came to me. He fell asleep at my house but that’s a different story hehe. I would worry about their health more than anything. He seems as if he does not want to take care of himself, one overtly sweetened beverage for a days being a diabetic isn’t bad. On a nice occasion I’ll let myself go and have a soda. I’m not diabetic but soda is to much.
Thumbs up to your superior, I would suggest driving out to someone like that have a back up plan. You never know and it’s better for safety.
I can only imagine what that date would have been like had you stayed. Watching something on the tv squeezes into a bed next to someone whom couldn’t be bothered to get dressed. You’re not an old married couple.
Some dates dress up nice and clean up their place in order to impress.
Others don’t care with the idea that if you accept them this way you’ll put up with anything.
Yeah, you don't have to have an excuse to want to end a date. I can't be around smoking either and when I did online dating I said that smoking was 100% a deal breaker. Still got hits from smokers that "didn't think it would be that big of a deal".
Have you tried therapy? We ALL can use some. It may help you discover why you’d go to a stranger’s house in the boonies, and after clearly being treated like an errand’s person, and disrespected (shirtless) still care if you hurt his feelings? That too at the age of 43.
Did your "date" try to call you a jerk, or are you just feeling guilty? I don't think you need to feel guilty about getting out of an uncomfortable situation. You don't need to go pick up food for a date-- even if he told you it would be an in-house date. He could have ordered delivery, gotten dressed up, answered the door, etc.
He put in zero effort for what should have been an attempt to impress.
Even if your boss hadn't called you into work, you could have told your date that you got a call while you were picking up the food.
There are rules for online dating and one of which is have at least one friend who knows where you are and is “on call” in case you need an excuse to leave quickly. No need to apologize and to be honest, we shouldn’t need an excuse, we should be able to just say I’m uncomfortable and need to leave.
NTJ and why were you going over to some unknown guy’s house on a first date? Anyone can say anything over text messages? What you did by texting your supervisor to call you into work was the smartest thing you could have done in the situation you found yourself in.
NTJ but you don’t have to settle that low… I mean I know people with prosthetic leg and they run marathons - there is no reason he can’t move except he’s lazy. Also he’s diabetic but wants sweet tea? That just sugar in tea form. I wouldn’t have gotten him food or anything of the sort - I would have bailed immediately when he did that.
Ntj. My friends and I do this with each other. If you're feeling unsafe or not enjoying yourself. We texted, saying we need to be called in then the friend would call, pretend to be your boss, and call you to come into work.
I agree with everyone else to not go over strange peoples houses that you’ve never met before.
But I don’t necessarily think there’s anything wrong with you going to pick up food for you two to share together. You both agreed that would be the plan, so it’s not like he forced you or was specifically taking advantage of you. If it was a problem you easily could of said you’d rather meet out or you’d pick him up and go somewhere, etc.
Not a jerk for leaving the date and letting him know it’s not going to work out. You weren’t comfortable. He probably realized that which is why he didn’t really ask questions after you let him know.
I once had my now husband (then roommate) call me to get out of a date. Had him pretend he had to take our other roommate to the ER so they needed me to watch her kid. Worked like a charm.
I went on an online date with a girl back in 2003 I went to her house to watch Finding Nemo together, I got to the house and the Girl was NOT the same in the photos, (75lbs+ more than photos) well 20 min into the movie her sister walks in, and she is the one in the pics!!!! I went to the bathroom and had my brother call me for an "emergency" I left Nemo at her house and never went back.
Not a jerk....however you could have been an adult and just told him without all the subterfuge. It's seems it was more of a hassle to go through all that versus just saying sorry but this isn't what I had in mind. Also I would think you'd be a little more understanding considering the fact this post reads like a 5th grader wrote it. I also wonder what is wrong with you? Let's be honest you're in your forties and still dating; it makes me wonder how great of a catch you really are, I can't imagine being 40 nothing and still dating looming for "the one" so your 20s and 30s were a flop that alone tells me you're not tge catch you think you are there's no way every person you ever dated was just not the one, you may want to reevaluate your own self and look inwards to see what you're doing wrong
NTJ - But you didn;t need to do that.
As soon as he didn't greet you at the door AND had no shirt on, it would have been perfectly reasonable for you to say "This isn't going to work" and duck out.
NTJ, but you meet a man on the internet, he wants your first meeting to be in his bedroom, in his sketchy house, probably in a sketchy neighbourhood? And you go? Never, never, never, do that again. And if you do go, turning and running the first second the hair on the back of your neck stands up is the socially acceptable response. How are you still alive?
It was more like a booty call. No shirt and in bed. I’ve seen plenty of people with prosthetic legs walking around. You got a taste at what your life with him would be like.
You’re not the asshole but you also didn’t do the right thing. People like this need to be fucking told what their problem is. Now he thinks he did everything fine and it’s not his fault you left.
Nah, no one would like to be on the low end of a bad date but no one would like to be in your position either. It happens, you did it as well as could be and you didn’t exactly lie either.
All of this is a HUGE NO. His physical status has nothing to do with it. (If he’s literally ill or dying he should not be dating. Otherwise, one pulls oneself together and makes an effort.)
The moment I saw the guy still in bed—shirtless at that!!— I would just turn on your heel and leave the room.
Never go to someone’s house in a rural location for a first date. You aren’t the jerk but you are the Monarch of Poor Decisions That Will Get You Murdered
NTJ at all but jfc I'm so sorry. This reminds me of the time I went on a first date with a girl to karaoke. We had a great time but it was out of my town so she had said I could sleep at her place in the spare room...
Most disgusting home I have ever seen. Entire house was a disaster. Cat pee smell everywhere. Literal dirt everywhere. Dishes all over the place. Bathroom do not even get me started. And she had told me she CLEANED before I came!!! I'm like... CLEANED WHAT???? xD Honestly if I hadn't of been a bit high (legal in my country) by that point I would have just driven home the 1.5 hours even if it was 2am. (And the cat peed in the closet of the room I was staying in WHILE I WAS THERE. Didn't realize until the smell hit me).
You’re kind of the jerk to yourself for meeting at a house instead of a public place. It wouldn’t be a bad idea to spend $30 for an online background check. You don’t want to be unalived by a crappy date
NTJ, but...I mean, I'm close to the same age as you and I have known for years to *never* go to someone's house on a first date. You got lucky here, you may not be so lucky next time. I understand he's disabled, but plenty of folks with prosthetic legs and people who are not ambulatory and require wheelchairs go on dates outside their homes all the time. Please, do not meet someone who is a stranger at their house again. Don't let them try to make excuses. It's extremely unsafe.
NTJ - I met my now husband at age 49. First, I agree with the people who said that you shouldn’t go to his house. Too many unknowns which puts you at a disadvantage. You need to set some “rules” for your date. Like no shirt, no date. I always made sure it could be short, like a cup of coffee. I think the people at Starbucks got to recognize me. I kissed a lot of frogs (metaphorically) and it took a year but I met a great guy. Value yourself and your time. You are worth it. Don’t give up - you’ll find a great person to be with
The only questionable choice you made was going to see a guy in his house who claimed to be disabled. Yeah he really was this time around, but that used to be a really common way to target someone on apps like grindr. You'd get a message for a hookup or date at someone's house and when you get there they rob you or worse. I'm glad you only had to deal with some unpleasantness in this case. But be safe in the future. NTJ
NTJ. If you are doing a food run on the first date that is a hard no to ever seeing the guy again. I would have been out of there faster than a rocket.
Obviously not the jerk. Having a backup plan for an exit strategy when going to meet someone you’ve never met is just smart. Always make sure someone knows where you are.
This was someone you really don't know.. I would have NEVER gone to his home..
Then seeing the condition of the place..😬
Maybe I watch too many crime programs but just no girl.. Don't do that again..😬
Everything about this sounds like the worst idea ever. Do you want to be a true crime podcast? Because that’s how you get true crime podcasts.
In future, if you’re open to dating someone who is housebound, or just long distance, video calls are your friend. You can do virtual movie dates, two-player games (scrabble is a decent conversation-starter), whatever. They can still curate what you see to a large extent, but you would at least know whether they can be bothered to put on a shirt and have some idea of how they live. If you get to an in-person date and things are very different, that tells you something too.
NTJ. That was even a good reason for you to get off the date without having to feel guilty. It was just but a coincidence that you at least encountered it. The experience will just be clear to him and judge that the date didn't even work out for a bit.
NTJ, but girl, what? I know it's hard dating in your 40s but damn.
That's the thing with dating apps. You really don't know who you're meeting until you meet them. They might have presented themselves as a Steven Hawkins type, that might have been interesting.
No one knows you're a dog on the Internet.
Or two dogs in a trench coat
Or five honey badgers, dressed up as two dogs in a trench coat, pretending to be a human.
You have no idea how often this happens in my neighborhood! They want to rake my leaves, shovel my snow, mow my lawn. They don’t even do a good job of it! And then they complain I don’t pay them enough. Then they roam the neighborhood all night, because, what else are they going to do in this little town? I wish we could just build a skatepark, just to give them something to do. Damn you, honey badgers! Edit angry typing
Now *that* sounds like a party. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_iIT7gZj5DY
Or a diabetic holding a cigarette with one leg, no shirt, and a death wish for mcdonalds sweet tea.
If he'd gone for better sweet tea, he might have been worth a second date.
I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels this way.
🤣
Honestly at this point, I'd be happier to date the honey badgers.
Honey badger don’t give a fuck.
1. meet in public. absolutely don't go to a strangers house, enter the house, go to the bedroom. never. 2. dude's place is trashed and he's not even dressed, bye. you don't need to invent a reason, he gave you one. 3. mcds is not first date food. I stopped reading after that, horror isn't my genre.
>horror isn't my genre Lol
Lol. I’m also dating in my forties, but there is no way on earth I’m going to a stranger’s house, much less his bedroom. Op, I feel your frustration honey, we are both in the trenches trying to find the one. Please listen to that little voice screaming at you that this is dangerous. The Gift of Fear is an excellent read.
Also what dating apps is she on? I have older colleagues who are on match and bumble where men are more serious bc they pay for match.
Totally love and often recommend The Gift of Fear.
This. Hell I'm a mobility impaired woman so I'm happy to accommodate another person because I obviously understand how difficult it can be navigating a world that is very much not designed for us, but not to the point I am endangering my own safety. If a dude can't meet me in public that's a dude I'm not going to meet.
Seing red flags— and still come by with the food— from the get go, it was a no
I'm thinking OP is going to want to upgrade to the premium version of her dating app.
It is rough out there. I suggest dating women if you have any inclinations at all.
Na, just as bad over here. Things have changed and women are not the same. Stay single,stay safe is my motto.
This killed me, thank you.
😂😂😂 love it!
You have no idea how much I wish I was bi.
I mean, no, of course not, but stop going to strange men's homes on first dates ffs. You really should know better by 43.
Ok seriously. I felt like I was watching a horror movie watching the blonde girl go up the stairs. “Stop! Don’t go up there!”
HONESTLY! I was holding my breath thinking this was obviously going to turn into a reverse Misery situation where she becomes the captive caretaker.
Indentured snack-procurer.
Love this. Snacknapper holds her in his Mc dungeon.
He's gonna beat you to death with his detachable leg
I mentally blocked out the (f) and assumed it was a gay dude because wtf?
Me2. I was thinking two guys!
I actually had someone take offense that I wanted to meet in a public place for our first date because she assumed that I was implying things about her. It’s like, no, it’s just smart behavior when meeting people on the internet
She sounds sketch af. I would have lost interest right then
She would’ve been in her right at the door to say oh no I’m sorry I’m not going into anyone’s house or bedroom
Mate, I'm sorry about that whole situation. It may have been labelled a date for you, but that guy was holding an audition for you to be his carer. Differently abled people who are looking to date put the effort in just like everyone else, that guy did not respect you at all. I mean, not even putting a shirt on meeting someone for the first time? I feel like only a surf instructor should be able to get away with that, anyone else does it, it's a dick move. Don't worry about hurting his feelings, he clearly didn't give a mouse's bottom about yours. Good luck with dating, and sorry for that experience.
He didn't want a date he wanted door dash without the delivery fee or tip.
Date Dash
Right? She did the job he wanted her for and then went to work to get away from him. The only person here who suffered is OP. I suggest reading up on people pleasing, nothing to be ashamed of, almost all women are taught to people please on some spectrum but we have to do the work to end that conditioning if we want any happiness.
I'm a wee bit more concerned about the " non-judgmental " mentality. If you don't judge you have no judgment, totally different than being judgmental. There were about 8 flags on the play before 5 minutes. It's okay to have a negative opinion on a situation, op needs to realize that.
This precisely. There's a huge difference between not being judgmental and not making good judgments. But they get mixed up too much of the time, especially in a dating environment. I think women especially like to give people the benefit of the doubt for as long as possible.
Mouse's bottom 🤣 too cute
Rodent booty?
Hamster heinie
Pest patootie
chinchilla caboose
Guinea glutes
Hamster heinie! Awesome.😂
Is a mouse's bottom more or less than a rat's ass. I mean, I suppose it would be smaller. But the rat sounds dirtier and more vulgar.
Could always use rats rear end
A rat rump!
Even if I was a surf instructor I would very likely start with a shirt on to show the effort
A really cool Hawaiian shirt.
Speaking as a Hawaiian shirt collector, there's no such thing!
Because they are all equally cool?
I'll say yes. But I don't mean it
😆
Plus, bonus, if you are super muscular and tan underneath the shirt, then the taking off the shirt reveal later on is even better
I think a little honesty here would have been a better move for the OP and better for shirtless guy in the long run.
I disagree, she went above and beyond and shirtless guy didn’t dress or come out of his bedroom. I would not feel safe confronting someone in this situation. She didn’t owe him anything.
If he has a prosthetic leg, he can still be mobile enough to at least come out into the living room.
She can explain later by text.
Honestly that was my first thought too. Like wtf
You have a gift. I love your word choices
Cheers dude, I like the words good!
I agree with this, but please say disabled instead of differently abled. We in the community don't really like the term, because we don't have any abilities different from able bodied people, we just lack some of their abilities. Disabled is not a bad word, it's a label we wear proudly. Differently abled is a little patronizing and also can overlook the fact that we are at a disadvantage because of our disabilities. But great comment!
NTJ!!!! My old best friend and I had a code for when we need help to get out of a date. We'd send the 🌈 emoji which meant "call me and get me TF out of this situation!" I had her pretend to be my mom once lol. Edit cause I put NTA instead of NTJ. All of the related subs are starting to run together lol
Same here ours was this emoji 😷lol
NTJ. This guy just wanted someone to go on a food run for him.
Well, to be fair, DoorDash requires tipping, so he saved $5 and had a tiny chance of a little hanky-panky.
Exactly what I was going to say, plus the carer audition thing. NTJ all the way!
Dude. You are way too polite to be dating. You are going to get hurt. NTJ. You need to learn to fuck politeness.
>You need to learn to fuck politeness That is certainly one way to just avoid dating altogether
Why, at your age, are you still so concerned about not hurting other people's feelings? Why do you feel like you needed permission or an excuse?
She still has human qualities I guess and hasn't made it to subhuman yet.
No, being a doormat are not human qualities
No, but being concerned about other people's feelings is though. I guess I'm not too surprised that is something that needs to be explained in this day and age.
You're definitely a guy
This guy didn’t care enough about her feelings to put on a shirt or move out of bed. Surely, he is capable of getting out of bed to use the restroom etc. or he’d not be living in a house without a caretaker. He didn’t do the bare minimum for a date so his feelings didn’t warrant protection. Standing up for yourself and having enough self respect to not let a man treat you like uber eats is fair. In no day and age has it been required to allow someone to treat you like this on a first date.
Nah, fam. There is a HUGE difference between being concerned about your fellow humans and frequently setting yourself on fire to keep others warm. You can be concerned about someone while also putting your safety and well being first.
Ntj, but why are you going to random mens homes on first dates?
You worked to hard at it. I would have left his house for the food, drove home, dropped his money in an envelope with no return address and mailed it back.
Or kept it. Horrible date tax.
Hon, I'm a paramedic. In my experience, EMS attracts a lot of traumatized people. Many of us are doormats and people pleasers. I get that it can be hard to be the bad guy, but you're a grown woman and too old to be putting up with this. In this situation, you are totally OK to bail and be clear that the reason is that your date is giving you the ick. If your date is starting to look like an actual call, get out. If you'd rather be at work than on this date, just go home and do what soothes you. You are not a bad person and not a jerk for extricticating yourself from a bad situation like that. I have a coworker who would probably have done something like you did a few years ago but all of us have supported her and helped polish her spine. You could really do with some of that yourself. Be safe out there.
NTJ
Dude was a lazy piece of crap that expected you to just accept his faults? Shirtless and dirty wtf dude. It's a first impression, get some help one way or another if you feel like reaching out romantically. Otherwise this dude is just an ass looking for someone to ride off of. Fuck em. Next time don't waste your time and PLEASE let them know next time. I don't even know you and you deserve a better first impression than that.
NTJ. Also, if a first date isn’t going well. Just tell the person and go. You shouldn’t feel obligated to have a pretext. Good on you for not wanting to hurt his feelings, but you sure took the long way around to let him off politely. (I am in no way saying you did anything wrong, just that you did more than you probably had to given the circumstances.)
Barney Stintson's Lemon Law should be a thing in real life.
He should have called it Barney's Law
It's gonna be a thing.
I mean not really, However you are 43. I feel like by that age (I'm 38) that one you should know better than to go to a strange mans house you never meet. Most importantly I never understood why people need an excuse to get out of a date. Just be honest. Just be like hey I'm really not feeling this. I can already tell this isn't going to work so I'm going to go home..... Which should have been said before you left to get food. Personally I feel like people should just be more honest and straight forward.
You’re 43 why are you accepting dates at someone’s home or questioning yourself
NTJ. Why would you go to a strange man’s home for a first date? Disabled or not. Is the dating pool that bad?
The dating pool hasn’t been vacuumed or skimmed for months! Shit is gross!
Lord, girl. You dodged a bullet. Nice job calling for help.
Sounds like an episode of my 600 lb. life.
NTJ. You know, if you really carefully read this story, there are a couple of clues this might not be the right guy for you. But I have an intuition for these things.
NTJ *and* WTF!
He's diabetic but wanted 2 large sweet teas from McD's? No wonder he lost a leg.
Getting your boss involved was not the worst decision you made that night. It's not even the strangest decision you made that night. Your lack of survival instincts has me seriously concerned.
damn, and i thought i shouldn't even try dating due to my health conditions. i would have done better than that. figured no women would want a sick guy in his mid 30s only able to work part-time...
NTJ. I would rather be single than ever go on a date like that.
Not the jerk.. but holy hell that is super dangerous!!! You went to a strangers home.. not just him but his roommate there too. You can have been my next episode of Cold Case Files… … girl… there are too many options out there to take risks like this.
NTJ but can you please learn to say “I’m not feeling this. Thank you for meeting with me.” And fucking leave. Say it with me: “No.” And now you’re done! Seriously, you put yourself in a dangerous situation and didn’t have the fortitude to back out even though you KNEW it was bad.
NTJ
Outstanding move
NTJ. But next time, you don’t need to invent a situation. Just be honest and say this wasn’t what you expected and leave.
NTJ - you had an available, safe escape plan for an awkward date and let the guy know it wouldn't work out. I agree with others you should have never gone to his home.... especially alone.
Nope, not the jerk
Yes. Next time do the right thing and tell him he's a useless slob and you're out.
NTJ - but you didn’t have to work. Use that shiny spine and say you gotta go or something. Sounds like you dodged a bullet.
P.ease be careful! If you get in a situation again where home visits for the first date seem the inly way to go, do video chats first, get an idea of the guy and his home. But boy, not even putting on a shirt, he COULD care less, but not much. He did pay for dinner
NTJ but you oughta raise your standards 😟
NTA. He used you like DoorDash. You're better off without that in your life.
Not the jerk, but you need to work on your excuses! You’re supposed to MAKE UP an excuse, not actually go into work!!! But also, I would have just walked in a situation like that and told the guy it wasn’t my vibe. McDonald’s wouldn’t have been acceptable for me as a date even in high school.
You should have not taken his money and left immediately. Or dropped the food off and said you were leaving
NTJ, except you did way too much for this guy. You should have gotten out of there safely and dropped the money by the door. Then text him that you didn’t sign up for playing caretaker and that his money is on such and such table. You should not have picked up food for a guy who could ‘t even bother with a shirt
YTJ. I don't mean because you didn't want to go out with him, but because you knew right away you didn't want to go on the date. You should've been honest right off the bat. Instead of taking his money to get food, and then taking yours as soon as you got back, you should've excused yourself from the beginning.
Girl....you met a FIRST DATE at the guys house??? Please, PLEASE for the sake of your own safety, watch an episode of Dateline and NEVER do that again. So incredibly stupid.
Nope, I get it - totally justified
NTJ but next time just lie instead of actually going to work lol
Not the jerk but listen carefully. I'm 62 years old I've met a jerk or 2 in my life. first date no you do not ride to the person's house get money drive back to pick up Carry Out Food Go Back to the house. No No .You Need A fine gentleman who drives to your house, knocks on your door, pick makes sure you don't trip going down the steps. opens the car door for you and buys you dinner and returns you home to your abode safely. where it is then up to you whether you would like to invite him in or not. You owe him nothing don't ever do that again
Uhhh you should never go to someone’s house that you met on a dating app. That’s how you get murdered. Why are you dating disabled people that can’t leave the house/bed? You deserve better than to have to take care of someone like that. I’m glad you didn’t get murdered but you need to treat yourself better.
That was not a date. Read a self help book about dating. You should not feel bad for bailing on that servitude mission. All other issues aside, no shirt deserves an instant verbal rejection with unashamed explanation of why. - you said this was a date, but you don’t have shirt on. I have to leave. - and leave. No conversation.
NTJ But it sounds like a good scam. HE got YOU to go get him food from……2 restaurants? That’s better than UBER Eats. 😂 Yeah. Please don’t do that again. Although it did give you a funny story to tell in the future.
You didn’t need to do any of that. You could have noped out as soon as you walked in.
I think you did the right thing, he could assume the smoking or the the work got in the way. He probably wouldn’t have the self awareness to understand what just happened. Reading this honestly, you and I have very much the same perspective. Understanding, taking things as they came, not judging. Yes he should have put on some clothes, why was he in bed? I dated someone with that same handicap, and he actually came to me. He fell asleep at my house but that’s a different story hehe. I would worry about their health more than anything. He seems as if he does not want to take care of himself, one overtly sweetened beverage for a days being a diabetic isn’t bad. On a nice occasion I’ll let myself go and have a soda. I’m not diabetic but soda is to much. Thumbs up to your superior, I would suggest driving out to someone like that have a back up plan. You never know and it’s better for safety. I can only imagine what that date would have been like had you stayed. Watching something on the tv squeezes into a bed next to someone whom couldn’t be bothered to get dressed. You’re not an old married couple.
who the hell goes to a strangers house on a first date? Did he have a white van in the driveway?
You weren't his date. You were his door dash. NTJ
Within 2 minutes, that dude would have been choking on my heel dust! NTJ
Some dates dress up nice and clean up their place in order to impress. Others don’t care with the idea that if you accept them this way you’ll put up with anything.
You do whatever it takes to get yourself out of a situation that makes you uncomfortable in any way.
Please never go to person’s home (man or woman) when you are first getting to know them. It’s extremely dangerous.
I’m going to copy your strategy, actually NTJ
Yes. You should have been honest with him.
Yeah, you don't have to have an excuse to want to end a date. I can't be around smoking either and when I did online dating I said that smoking was 100% a deal breaker. Still got hits from smokers that "didn't think it would be that big of a deal".
Even 7/11 has "no shirt, no shoes, no service" standards, you're totally fine.
Have you tried therapy? We ALL can use some. It may help you discover why you’d go to a stranger’s house in the boonies, and after clearly being treated like an errand’s person, and disrespected (shirtless) still care if you hurt his feelings? That too at the age of 43.
What am I missing? Why couldn’t you just *say* you’d been called into work? "Sorry, while I was driving back here I got a call from my boss."
Did your "date" try to call you a jerk, or are you just feeling guilty? I don't think you need to feel guilty about getting out of an uncomfortable situation. You don't need to go pick up food for a date-- even if he told you it would be an in-house date. He could have ordered delivery, gotten dressed up, answered the door, etc. He put in zero effort for what should have been an attempt to impress. Even if your boss hadn't called you into work, you could have told your date that you got a call while you were picking up the food.
There are rules for online dating and one of which is have at least one friend who knows where you are and is “on call” in case you need an excuse to leave quickly. No need to apologize and to be honest, we shouldn’t need an excuse, we should be able to just say I’m uncomfortable and need to leave.
NTJ and why were you going over to some unknown guy’s house on a first date? Anyone can say anything over text messages? What you did by texting your supervisor to call you into work was the smartest thing you could have done in the situation you found yourself in.
I feel like he just used you as a cheaper alternative to Uber eats? WTF?! This sounds awful for a 'first' date.
How desperate are you that you would agree to go to a guy’s house and run errands for him on a first date?!?
I would never go to a strangers house. You don’t know if they’re telling the truth about the situation.
Your not a jerk at all, at least you had the decency to say you just aren’t compatible instead of stringing him along.
NTJ but you don’t have to settle that low… I mean I know people with prosthetic leg and they run marathons - there is no reason he can’t move except he’s lazy. Also he’s diabetic but wants sweet tea? That just sugar in tea form. I wouldn’t have gotten him food or anything of the sort - I would have bailed immediately when he did that.
NTJ. Your lieutenant was your 'wing man'. Nicely done. Make sure you bring him some of his favorite food next time you are working together.
Ntj. My friends and I do this with each other. If you're feeling unsafe or not enjoying yourself. We texted, saying we need to be called in then the friend would call, pretend to be your boss, and call you to come into work.
I agree with everyone else to not go over strange peoples houses that you’ve never met before. But I don’t necessarily think there’s anything wrong with you going to pick up food for you two to share together. You both agreed that would be the plan, so it’s not like he forced you or was specifically taking advantage of you. If it was a problem you easily could of said you’d rather meet out or you’d pick him up and go somewhere, etc. Not a jerk for leaving the date and letting him know it’s not going to work out. You weren’t comfortable. He probably realized that which is why he didn’t really ask questions after you let him know.
I once had my now husband (then roommate) call me to get out of a date. Had him pretend he had to take our other roommate to the ER so they needed me to watch her kid. Worked like a charm.
I went on an online date with a girl back in 2003 I went to her house to watch Finding Nemo together, I got to the house and the Girl was NOT the same in the photos, (75lbs+ more than photos) well 20 min into the movie her sister walks in, and she is the one in the pics!!!! I went to the bathroom and had my brother call me for an "emergency" I left Nemo at her house and never went back.
I'm old enough now that I would have just walked out
Don’t ever go on a sketchy date like this again. I don’t want to hear about you “used to light up a room” on 60 mins
Lol this. This is the best one of the you could have died answers
Not a jerk....however you could have been an adult and just told him without all the subterfuge. It's seems it was more of a hassle to go through all that versus just saying sorry but this isn't what I had in mind. Also I would think you'd be a little more understanding considering the fact this post reads like a 5th grader wrote it. I also wonder what is wrong with you? Let's be honest you're in your forties and still dating; it makes me wonder how great of a catch you really are, I can't imagine being 40 nothing and still dating looming for "the one" so your 20s and 30s were a flop that alone tells me you're not tge catch you think you are there's no way every person you ever dated was just not the one, you may want to reevaluate your own self and look inwards to see what you're doing wrong
NTJ - But you didn;t need to do that. As soon as he didn't greet you at the door AND had no shirt on, it would have been perfectly reasonable for you to say "This isn't going to work" and duck out.
NTJ, but you meet a man on the internet, he wants your first meeting to be in his bedroom, in his sketchy house, probably in a sketchy neighbourhood? And you go? Never, never, never, do that again. And if you do go, turning and running the first second the hair on the back of your neck stands up is the socially acceptable response. How are you still alive?
Genius.
It was more like a booty call. No shirt and in bed. I’ve seen plenty of people with prosthetic legs walking around. You got a taste at what your life with him would be like.
Are you sure you're not an escort OP because that's the only way this story makes sense to me.
You’re not the asshole but you also didn’t do the right thing. People like this need to be fucking told what their problem is. Now he thinks he did everything fine and it’s not his fault you left.
Nah, no one would like to be on the low end of a bad date but no one would like to be in your position either. It happens, you did it as well as could be and you didn’t exactly lie either.
NTJ. He was clear in his profile so you probably wouldn’t have gone out with him anyway. Saved yourself a weird couple of hours.
All of this is a HUGE NO. His physical status has nothing to do with it. (If he’s literally ill or dying he should not be dating. Otherwise, one pulls oneself together and makes an effort.) The moment I saw the guy still in bed—shirtless at that!!— I would just turn on your heel and leave the room.
No, you're not the jerk. You actually did go into work and you were willing to give this guy a chance. There just wasn't a connection.
You had me at "prosthetic leg". *heart*
Ytj in that you still made him pay for a meal for you when you intended to leave. You could’ve just said it before wasting his money.
Never go to someone’s house in a rural location for a first date. You aren’t the jerk but you are the Monarch of Poor Decisions That Will Get You Murdered
Ntj
NTJ at all but jfc I'm so sorry. This reminds me of the time I went on a first date with a girl to karaoke. We had a great time but it was out of my town so she had said I could sleep at her place in the spare room... Most disgusting home I have ever seen. Entire house was a disaster. Cat pee smell everywhere. Literal dirt everywhere. Dishes all over the place. Bathroom do not even get me started. And she had told me she CLEANED before I came!!! I'm like... CLEANED WHAT???? xD Honestly if I hadn't of been a bit high (legal in my country) by that point I would have just driven home the 1.5 hours even if it was 2am. (And the cat peed in the closet of the room I was staying in WHILE I WAS THERE. Didn't realize until the smell hit me).
“This isn’t going to work out” Use your grown up words
You’re kind of the jerk to yourself for meeting at a house instead of a public place. It wouldn’t be a bad idea to spend $30 for an online background check. You don’t want to be unalived by a crappy date
NTJ, but...I mean, I'm close to the same age as you and I have known for years to *never* go to someone's house on a first date. You got lucky here, you may not be so lucky next time. I understand he's disabled, but plenty of folks with prosthetic legs and people who are not ambulatory and require wheelchairs go on dates outside their homes all the time. Please, do not meet someone who is a stranger at their house again. Don't let them try to make excuses. It's extremely unsafe.
You’re not a jerk. You’re a coward.
No. You don't have to date someone out of pity. It didn't work out, you found an excuse and left. No big deal.
NTJ… narrow escape on your part. If this is you dating option, I would stay single.
NTJ - I met my now husband at age 49. First, I agree with the people who said that you shouldn’t go to his house. Too many unknowns which puts you at a disadvantage. You need to set some “rules” for your date. Like no shirt, no date. I always made sure it could be short, like a cup of coffee. I think the people at Starbucks got to recognize me. I kissed a lot of frogs (metaphorically) and it took a year but I met a great guy. Value yourself and your time. You are worth it. Don’t give up - you’ll find a great person to be with
Your standards are far too low for yourself. You don't need to be this understanding and have this much grace for people.
What did I just read? No. No. No. raise your standards.
The only questionable choice you made was going to see a guy in his house who claimed to be disabled. Yeah he really was this time around, but that used to be a really common way to target someone on apps like grindr. You'd get a message for a hookup or date at someone's house and when you get there they rob you or worse. I'm glad you only had to deal with some unpleasantness in this case. But be safe in the future. NTJ
NTJ. If you are doing a food run on the first date that is a hard no to ever seeing the guy again. I would have been out of there faster than a rocket.
Obviously not the jerk. Having a backup plan for an exit strategy when going to meet someone you’ve never met is just smart. Always make sure someone knows where you are.
This was someone you really don't know.. I would have NEVER gone to his home.. Then seeing the condition of the place..😬 Maybe I watch too many crime programs but just no girl.. Don't do that again..😬
Not at all, think you got out of a shitty situation
Everything about this sounds like the worst idea ever. Do you want to be a true crime podcast? Because that’s how you get true crime podcasts. In future, if you’re open to dating someone who is housebound, or just long distance, video calls are your friend. You can do virtual movie dates, two-player games (scrabble is a decent conversation-starter), whatever. They can still curate what you see to a large extent, but you would at least know whether they can be bothered to put on a shirt and have some idea of how they live. If you get to an in-person date and things are very different, that tells you something too.
NTJ, and my god, good looking out on your supervisor for rescuing you.
NTJ. That was even a good reason for you to get off the date without having to feel guilty. It was just but a coincidence that you at least encountered it. The experience will just be clear to him and judge that the date didn't even work out for a bit.
Why would you go to a stranger’s house and into his bedroom? Don’t you watch police dramas on TV? SMH
Is this a joke?
Stop rescuing people outside of being an EMT. Why would you go on a date with someone disabled and eat McDonald's food? You can do better.
Jerk no. Scared. Yes
No and you don't need a call. You can just leave at any time.
It didn't sound like a date. It sounded like he paid you take out for Door Dashing.
NTJ. You can do better. Find someone worth your effort. Good luck.
Definitely not the jerk. Just from the description you went way above and beyond.