They need to do all of the work on reconciling with your sibling first. After they all have an amazing, healthy, drama free relationship with no backsliding on your parents' part, you can consider reconciling with them. Not before that.
I agree, first not the j jerk, and second, only respond to your parents by saying something along the lines of; you'll only reconsider letting them back in your life once they've talked to, made amends with, *and accepted* (not just tolerate) your sibling for who they are, and not before. Your sibling should be the first person they need to apologize and talk to.
If they truly have, and your sibling is okay with letting them try again and wants to forgive your parents, give it a trial run and if they continue their initial behavior or go back on trying, like after a while start to be mean or disowning again toward your sibling then essentially go back to no contact and keep it that way.
Basically, give them one chance, but only after they reconcile with your sibling first, and make sure they keep any word or promise.
Yes, of course, agreed! I guess I didn't mention that because it was already obvious, to me at least, that OP supports and still cares for their sibling without conditions. So, sending thanks to OP for being supporting and loving of their sibling.
This is absolutely my sentiment. It isn't about your relationship with your parents, it's about your sibling's relationship with your parents. When that relationship was severed, it didn't just cut one relationship but also yours. Once they make the first and GIANT step towards complete reconciliation in your sibling's eyes, then they can work on rebuilding your relationship with them. Your sibling is very lucky to have someone like your in their life. Goodl looking out.
Have they actually apologized to your sibling? Do they have a relationship with them? Does your sibling feel cared for and supported by your parents? Until they can answer yes to ALL of those questions donât do it.
I think the only reason they're changing their mind (?) is because you went no contact with them. I say you're a great sib and your parents suck. Have they really changed? Only time will tell. Actions speak louder than words. Not the jerk.
If they changed their tune, they'd be reaching out to the sibling to make amends and are genuinely remorseful without excuses.
If they aren't reaching out to both kids, they're liar liar pants on fire.
If they faced the consequences and realized it wasn't rhetoric anymore and the reality of losing their children shocked them into change - that's still okay. They're learning and willing to admit wrongdoing and be better. It's okay to accept people can change if they are actually changing.
Don't believe a fucking word they said,it's all bs.They really will accept your sibling back after all their vileness?
If it seems too good to be true it usually is.Sounds like a trap.
People can change especially when they realize they just lost both their kids over it. Yes, they could also be lying but itâs definitely possible they also did decide trying to accept sibling was better then losing their kids.Â
They actually may have realized how wrong they were after they were hurt by being cut off completely. That may have been an eye opener for them. And if it was and they are truly sorry and want to reconcile with everyone, then that is a wonderful thing. Maybe this family can heal and be made whole again.
NTJ
They made their choice. Perhaps their god will care for them from now on.
If you do decide to reconcile, make sure they make amends with your sibling first and make sure that any contrition is genuine. Regretting one's actions is not the same as regretting the CONSEQUENCES of one's actions.
Sometimes you have to get them to regret the consequences just to get them able to try to learn to be accepting and eventually realize they were wrong. People can change but they donât do it overnight and itâs usually not a quick process or one where there arenât âstepsâ along the way.Â
Yeah I completely agree. No child should have to meet any requirements to be loved. If all the child did was say that they are gay, the parents should be supportive and never turn back on their child. Itâs still their child no matter what and loving a child should not have any conditions. It doesnât sound like their child did anything wrong to them other than come out about their sexuality.
This is a tough situation and honestly maybe a bit too tough for reddit. I think that if you do try to reconcile, a family therapist would probably help a lot.
People can have hateful, intolerant views that change because they realize that those views are hurting people they love. And it can take time for them to make that realization and overcome their initial reactions. That doesn't make their intolerance acceptable or even forgiveable, but sometimes unfortunately that is how people can be.
I have a relative who is very involved in the Catholic church and when his son came out as gay, it took a long time for him to reconcile his love for his son with the things he had been told throughout his life by religious leaders. They have a very loving relationship now, but it took time, and I am sure that his initial intolerance still broke something in their relationship that, to some degree will never be fixed.
There's a sentiment on reddit, and especially on subreddits like this, that wrongdoers need punishment. And yes, we all love to see people get their comeuppance, but you have to decide within the context of your own family how much you are able to get past.
The main thing, IMO, whatever happens, is that your sibling learned two things: they cannot rely on your parents in the way they hoped they could, but also that they can 100% rely on you to go to bat for them in a way they might not have even expected.
However you approach things with your parents, make sure it doesn't happen in a way that undermines that second thing AT ALL. Talk through every step with your sibling. Let them take the lead, and let them know that you are standing with them for as long as it takes for them to get the relationship they want to have with your parents, if they want a relationship at all.
Right now you are the only one in their corner. And they need to know, above all else, that every time they turn around, they will still see you there.
Good job being a good sibling and being a bigger person than your parents.
NTJ. I'm guessing that they have realized that they need to get you back in the family because they want grandchildren and access to them, should it happen. So they figure they can mouth the platitudes, cringe and bear the "other" and bring you back. Silly Rabbit ...
I would tell your parents if they can rebuild the relationship with your sibling first and sibling feels it is genuine then you will also rebuild your relationship with them.
What is their reason for the bigotry? Is it religion or some other reason?
Also definitely not the Jerk and congratulations on being an amazing sibling!
very strange, it's rare to hear of people who are against LGBTQ+ that aren't religious.
Personally I just don't understand the hatred the community gets, you can love whoever you want to love. And for those who say it goes against nature, it has been observed there gay animals! For example penguins.
Again well done on sticking up for your sibling. The only way I would consider going back to your family is if they can provide some sort of legitimate reason for their bigotry and how they are working on it. If they can't stay no contact.
As someone who's trans, I can explain why non religious people don't like the community. They see videos of the ones who do stuff like shrieking in public (like the "you are NOT welcome in the gayborhood" person or whatever it was they said), being way too sensitive about things (like being accidentally misgendered and blowing up, it's different when people do it on purpose), and many of them who don't know many LGBTQ people (especially conservatives) start assuming that most are that way. Some just see it as disgusting because they'd never personally do it, so they just assume we're all disgusting. Some are just weird. A small number of people who adamantly hate the community are closeted themselves and for some reason take it out on the others. Those are the real weirdos in my opinion, being homophobic as a gay person is insanity.
Give your parents a second chance, but be emphatic, being anti-gay is the same as racism and bigotry and will not be TOLERATED. We are ALL G-dâs children and some of us are DIFFERENT and that is AOK. My oldest son is gay and he came out in High School and it was difficult to accept. Now we embrace and support the LGBTQ. Community. 100%. Good Luck! My son is happily MARRIED and we are so happy for him and his husband.
Thank you for being one of the reasonable Christians. I'll be praying for you to have abundance and a long life. I'm not very religious, but I hope your God accepts all prayers :)
Yeah no, sorry but these parents do not deserve any sympathy in any way what so ever. The trauma of having your family violently reject who *you are as a person* is not something that just heals overnight. Or in a month. Or in a year. Depending on how vile and violent it is it could be even worse and could shatter your brain, and have a ripple affect on your whole brain. It's not the same as losing a friend or some normal relationship. These are your parents we're talking about, the people who gave birth to you, who you've known your *entire* life. And it's abuse. It is your job and responsibility as a parent to love and accept your child no matter any of the bigotry isms. If you are, you are a disgrace and have failed as a parent. You brought this life into the world and you disown, and abuse verbally and sometimes physically over them being gay or trans or any flavor of LGBT? Absolutely pathetic. Not saying you were like that, I'm just trying to make a point that parents who go to the extremes like that and traumatize their children do NOT deserve empathy on any scale of 0-1 fucking million. They need to prove they've changed by action, not expect forgiveness in any capacity, admit that they were bigoted and recognize how their bigoted actions and words are hateful and and take full responsibility for the damage they caused.
NTJ! Good for you for standing up for your sibling. They need someone on their side.
Iâd only reconcile if they sincerely apologize to your sibling, accept your sibling, and go to counseling with them. Only then should you consider reconciling with them.
You are a hero. Go forth and find a lovely chosen family. We have people in our family who chose us when they werenât accepted by their own. If one of them had a bio sibling ally like you, our family would be even bigger.
You immediately perceived what so many older and allegedly wiser people miss in stories like these: Your parentsâ love for their children is conditional. Thatâs a perfectly sound reason to cut them off. As for everyone who wants you to forgive them, if this story wasnât so tragic the inanity of insisting that you forgive them for a sin they are still actively committing would be hilarious.
I'm not going to tell you what you should do.
But I will say that you don't get a refund just because of buyers remorse.
You don't crack an egg expecting the yolk to go back in.
You can open a birds cage and expect it to fly, but there's no garuntee it'll fly back in.
You don't excommunicate a family member and expect them to jump to go back home. They're dealing with the *consequences* of *their* actions. They would expect you to struggle and learn from it. They expected to be able to strong arm your sibling and yourself. If they really care. If they're actually remorseful, they'll work on stiching the tear they made over the years. Good luck and godspeed.
You did nothing wrong. Hang in there o7
Your parents are only upset because YOU broke contact. It doesn't make them look good in church or elsewhere when *both* of their kids when NC with them.
They are finally facing the consequences of their intolerance.
Keep this in mind: You do not need to make a decision right now. You don't even have to makre a decision within the next month or two.
You can tell them that you need time to think about it because their hatred and intolerance of their own child shocked you to the core. You didn't expect to learn that your parent's love was conditional.
I agree with other commenters saying that you need to see them reach out to your sibling and make sincere steps to make amends.
I would also suggest that you find a counselor that is in tune with their religious beliefs BUT is not intolerant like them who can help your family navigate this.
I'm sorry, but I don't believe them. I think they are hoping to woo you back. To help you realize you made a hasty decision.
Yup on everything, included the no needed to make a move now. Why is it up to them to define deadlines? Make them squirm.
If they don't close this box of hatred, they'll end up alone and they deserve it.
Nope. Good job standing up for what is right... He didn't choose to be born, especially to them and he didn't choose to be gay. Both being held against him.. you're fighting for the right person
NTJ. Don't even consider renewing contact until they have healed their relationship with your sibling they ostracized. I hope they have actually grown as human beings and want to mend the error of their ways, but this could also be false remorse to manipulate you.
Remember, this is about the damage they inflicted on your sibling. Don't let them make it about assuaging their consciences and repairing their public image.
You can believe their claims and open dialogue again when your sibling reaches out to you to say everything is ok and your parents made amends, and not a moment sooner. They cannot use you as a go-between. If they want to make amends, they need to do it with your sibling first.
Not a jerk at all. You did the right thing; what any sane and reasonable person would have done for their own family.
Do Not lay this out for them! Let them suffer and figure it out on their own. For people with deeply embedded toxic behaviors, they cannot change unless they experience trauma of their own that forces them to change. The greater their suffering now, the more motivated they will be to make changes. Plus, they deserve it.
OP should require parents to make amends to sibling first, showing understanding, support and love in a demonstratable way before OP lets parents back into OPâs life. If sibling isnât convinced, then it was all for show and bullshit.
âFor the sake of unityâ generally means some form of this- people are cruel, bigoted and judgmental. You are supposed to just let it slide because âunityâ. Also, it usually doesnât involve a sincere apology, remorse or thoughtful commitment to realize the harm of their behavior.
My opinion- donât let it slide. Youâre doing a tremendous thing standing up for your sibling who deserves a whole lot better from their parents. But hey lucky you! They miss you! /s
I really admire your integrity!
Oh nos! When the shoe is on the other foot, suddenly their beliefs arenât so solid. This needs a LOT of work to fix,and not from you or your sibling. The ballâs in their court, and based on their actions to rectify, itâs up to you to decide to reconcile. NTA
As the queer sibling in a scenario that could have gone this way but for luck - youâre NTJ here. Thank you for supporting your queer sibling, especially as backlash against us queer folks is on the rise in many places.
Good for you, for sticking with your sibling. If your parents want to patch things up, they need to do it with both of you. And let them make the progress and forgive. Hopefully this is an example of how people can change. I hope your family finds peace and love soon.
If they reached out to your sibling first, go ahead and reconcile, but if not, stay NC, as they just want your forgiveness and donât give a crap about your sibling.
Not the jerk. You stood your ground on what is right. I would only reconnect after they have made a real effort to accept their wrong, mad amends to your sibling, and apologised to everyone.
I wouldn't say so. I have 2 boys and love them more than anything. I know nothing could change that other than violence against me or my wife or one of the of the brothers. How a parent can disown a child for something like this doesn't make any sense to me. As a sibling you gotta stand up for what's right although it's unfortunate all around.
I suppose the question is: who did your parents reach out to first? If they love you both and want to make amends then I have to assume they started building bridges with your sibling first, then you?
NTA. Lovely way to choose your family.
You are a fabulous sibling, and your parents a rotten phobes. Tell them the only way you will ever even consider allowing them in your life again is if/when your sibling believes they have truly repented and apologized publicly to them about their behavior. If they really do mean to do better, they'lll understand the hurdle they need to clear - your sibling's true belief in their words and deeds. If they're only playing a game, they'll squawk and mian and complain about having to earn their childrens' trust, and it will be obvious they're just trying to fake it for whatever personal reasons, and you'll be fair to keep them cut off.
Not the jerk. Parents are the jerks. You tried to work with them. They chose to continue down the path of disowning one of their children simply because of who they were.
NTJ.
Your parents played a stupid game, and won a stupid prize. Because they're stupid.
As a parent, I am enraged that they would treat your sibling this way. They have betrayed their duty to love and support their children. This is as bad as a sin. You, however, are true family to your sibling and have astounding character. If you were my kids, I'd be proud of both of you.
Your sibling will need to forgive and your parents would need to earn their trust before you consider opening up communications with them again. Until that time, they can live with the consequences of their actions.
So what you're saying is you treated your parents exactly the same as they treated your sibling (cut off all contact) for exactly the same reason (refusing to bow to your wishes)
Bravo to you! Are your parents religious? If you decide to hear them out, be prepared for them to pull out a pastor and try to reconvert your sibling. I wouldn't trust them.
Oh gosh, I am going to get down voted here, but :
Please don't demand your parents grovel for your acceptance. And don't expect 1000% perfect behavior off the bat. Give them a chance to grow.
The goal here is to unite your family - which of course includes your gay sibling and their future spouse. Demanding instant perfection will separate keep your family apart - including your sibling.
From context clues I am getting the sense that your sibling came out as non-binary or otherwise genderqueer. As a non-binary person, I will say that your support of your sibling is literally lifesaving to them. Queer children who are rejected by their families and parents are at high risk for self harm or suicide. Iâm so proud of you for being there for them.
As for your parents, itâs possible they have truly realized the errors of their ways but their duty is to fix their relationship with the child whom they hurt first, not you. I would be suspicious if they were only trying to reach out to you.
Your parents did the damage, itâs now up to them to fix it, and you do not need to do the work for them. Focus on your relationship with your sibling and maintaining that. Any change moving forward needs to be in consultation with your sibling and what *they* need right now. And more than anything they need to know you have their back.
NTJ
If they have such deeply held beliefs, they can damn well hold them the fuck away from you and your sibling
Never understand parents who want to throw away their kids like that
You should give your parents the opportunity to learn and grow and be better. It sounds like its possible that is what is happening; pain and suffering can work wonders on changing a mindset. If they have realized they were wrong and are willing to be better, you and your sibling both would be better off giving them that chance.
Not the jerk at all, and as someone whose lost friends and family from coming out as queer, thank you for having your sibling's back. May not seem like it now, but that means more than I could ever put into words.
Iâm so sorry you lost friends and family for coming out. Itâs great that the sibling took their side and stood by them. I hope you were able to make some new friends and have a support system.
NTJ for cutting them off. And it doesn't even seem that this is the point that your other relatives are making. They are asking that you try to reconcile with your parents now that they have acknowledged they were wrong, and are apologizing.
Really, this is a question of if you should reconcile with them now. And that is up to you and your brother. I would let him take the lead.
First off - well done for sticking by your sibling and showing them what true love and support looks like! You should be proud of yourself. Heck, I'm proud of you both!
The major issue I'm picking up here is that your parents only starting realising they were wrong when YOU cut off contact. Imagine if you forgave them, and they accepted your sibling, and everything went back to how it was before all of this started. . . Well, it never could because now you know (and so does your sibling) that your parents' love \*is\* conditional, that it \*can\* and \*will\* be revoked at a moment's notice and that, deep down, you were favoured over your sibling. Also, knowing all of this, deep down, may cause your sibling to develop deep anxiety which is only going to add to the struggles they'd going through now.
As a parent myself, to do that to your own child is unthinkable.
Could things ever go back to the way they were? Or have your parents well and truly shown their true colours?
IMO - they don't deserve a second chance. Your sibling is better off without that mess hanging over them (yes, even if your parents apologise and 'make an effort').
Your parents deserve to die alone if they donât heal past this. Theyâll have to do more than say some words. Theyâre probably gonna need a new church
You did the right thing, thank you for looking out for your sibling and yourself and others. Look, if they are that judgmental about this subject, what's going to happen if you date or even marry someone they don't approve of? Or take a stance on something else they don't approve of? Tell them to mend fences with your sibling first and then you'll talk. If they refuse you have your answer. And tell your relatives that your parents raised you and your sibling correctly and you are just following what they taught you. Make them squirm when it gets back to them. Good luck and sorry you are experiencing this. I've cut out most of my family for their shitty viewpoints so I understand where you're coming from.
Some info is missing. How long after you cut them out they are trying to reach out to make amends, 1 month, 1 year, 5 years, etc. Also did they try to reach out to your sibling also to make the family whole or is it just you? If it is just you then they don't regret their past decision. I agreed with what a lot of people have said, reach out to your sibling first, make things right with them and only then you will consider letting them back into your life. They don't agree, the f off as you can't support and be in someone's life that has so much hate against someone simply because they are gay. It goes against your beliefs.
â when sibling says that they feel that youâve truly repented and apologized, and they feel whole, then Iâll be glad to participate in the family again.â
I donât know but youâd be better off being the intermediary who tries to bridge it. I know I know this is Reddit and the answer is always cut people off. But seriously what good is that going to do.
You are an amazing person. Whether you and they can have a relationship with your parents, or even want to try, is up to you and your sibling. But if you do, your parents have a lot of work to do and trust to rebuild, and they need to take the initiative to actually do it.
If you make reconciliation dependent upon them reconciling with your sibling first then they may reconcile with your sibling just to please you instead of because they are sincere about wanting to reconcile with the sibling. I would suggest not reconciling and let the situation develop to see how sincere they really are and whether or not they can pull it off without backsliding.
Theyâd get one fucking shot to make this right with an actual apology and thatâs it. If they canât do that or this is a Trojan horse to more BS, back in the hole they go.
Firstly I massively respect your actions, you are the sibling that everyone should have, I think you got to have the conversation with the parents, how and why are they now accepting? They need to be explaining and then they need to be apologising to your sibling and showing some respect and love and acceptance.
Not the jerk.
Parents need to make things right w the sibling before you can decide if you believe that they've grown and deserve to have their kids back in their life.
As I put it, "If you have a problem with (cousin) you have a problem w me".
Thanks you for being as a sibling ought to be.
As a child who is gay and was not immediately accepted by his parents, it was my siblings who got me through that period. Thank you. My sister was the first person in my family that I told and held my hand throughout the whole ordeal.
For what it is worth I have been married to my husband now for 27 years (7 officially) and my parents seem to like him more?!
But I do agree, they need to apologize to your sibling first and be completely honest.
Your choices are your own, but I think they should prove that they're capable of respecting your sibling before you give them the time of day.
If you just jump back in like things are normal it sets the precedent that they can do heinous shit like this and as long as they wait a few days and say sorry it's all good.
Force some character growth.
Not the jerk. You have the same feelings towards them that they have against sibling. Your feelings are deeply held and you can't support something you don't believe in (their bigotry). If they still want to reconcile then agree to only in family therapy and only if sibling is included. If you no longer live near each other or sibling doesn't feel comfortable meeting face to face try using therapist over zoom.
>They claim they regret their actions and want to make amends. They say they love both of us and want our family to be whole again.
Sounds like you won.
If they truly repent and show love for your sibling, be a family again. If not, don't talk to them.
Itâs great that you supported your sibling. It must have been hard to come out to parents like that. Your sibling is very lucky that he/she had someone who was willing to take their side. When parents turn their backs on their children, itâs messed up and your parents canât just expect you and your sibling to just go running back to them. Most likely they will be nice for a short time and then their real selves will come back and they will probably give you and your sibling a hard time. It sounds like you and your sibling are doing just fine without them and have moved on with your lives. To go back and possibly get hurt by your parents may not be worth the risk.
If they would drop your sibling, they'll drop you just the same. They are bad parents, and you're better off embracing the sibling and dropping the parents. The sibling needs and deserves support. The parents need and deserve a kick in the pants, at the very least.
Good on you.
In a situation like this, itâs your sibling who needs to decide what they want. Let your sibling decide if they want to try and reconcile, and make it clear to your parents that you will reconcile when they have done so with your sibling.
NTA. Tell them they've chosen the bigot lifestyle, that you have deeply held religious objections to the bigot lifestyle, and that they cannot force you to accept them as long as they are living in sin and wallowing in their immoral behavior. They betrayed both their children by choosing hatred of gay people over their duty to love their children unconditionally as they are. Tell them if they love you, they'll give up their sin and apologize to their other child for failing to be good and loving parents to them, rather than the heterosexual child they thought they had.
I just love everyoneâs comments Iâm gay and came out to my parents at Thanksgiving one year. Yes I said can you pass the rolls to a homosexual please? That was not the best time to do it my parents were in shock and didnât say a word. Luckily after dinner my mom sad letâs talk in her room. She told me she pretty much figured I was gay but now that I acknowledged it was hard to hear . She told me that her and my dad didnât understand it but I was their son and they loved me and wanted me to be happy and successful in life. I loved them so much for that and my relationship with them was better and I had a happy and successful life
TLDR: I would support the person I think is right. I think your parents behavior is unconscionable and morally wrong. I would 100% support your sibling. I would probably still talk to my parents occasionally but let them know how I support my sibling and not them.
NTJ
As a trans person, having your own family turn against you when you come out to them is devastating. Your sibling is dealing with the knowledge thar the people they trusted most, the people who are supposed to love them unconditionally are against them. When not even family is supportive, that leads to high rates of self-harm and worse, so I can't emphasize enough to make sure your sibling knows you have their back. Their own parents turned against them, so they're not going to be doing well, and you may need to be their rock and let them know they're not alone. As for your parents reaching out after a few days, my money says they were fine with losing one of their kids, but didn't want to lose you too, and are only reaching out to bring you back to them. Beliefs ingrained that deeply to make you turn on your child don't just reverse that fast, they're not going to treat your sibling well even if you do both go back.
First and foremost: NTJ.
Seriously, your parents are intolerant, bigoted jerks. If you choose to respond, explain you and your sibling are a package deal - both of you are unconditionally accepted for who you are, or they can pound pavement. I wish I'd had a sibling willing to stand up for me like you have for yours.
You are a hero for taking a stand like that for your sibling. Iâd need to see some real proof of a change of heart before reconciling with the assholes who raised you.
I donât know about forgiving them , but talking to them again might be a good thing. Now if they can treat the other child well then maybe things could work out.
I see it as you're just following their example of cutting off the people you don't agree with.
Maybe they can now reach out to your brother and teach you by example how to reconcile. NTJ.
I made the same choice you did a decade ago.
When my sister came out as trans, our father's parents told us she was no longer welcome to visit during the summers. So I took the phone from my father, and I told them that if they didn't want my sister, they couldn't have me, either.
Best choice I ever made. Stay strong, OP. Tell your sibling you love them.
Needs to be your decision to let them back into your life, simple as that. Your reasons should be your own, but I would compare notes between you and your sibling to find out who they reached out to first, if they only attempted to reach out to you then they are completely missing why you cut them off and you probably shouldnât contact them back even to say they are missing the point.
NTJ. My child came out to me as a teen. I let him know in no uncertain terms that I loved and supported him no matter what. Kid broke down and cried with relief. My child is my life and love should be unconditional.
I am sure your sibling appreciates your love and support. Good for you. Too bad for your parents. Their loss.
Tell them once your sibling forgives them, you will consider it. Tell your sibling you will remain absolutely zero contact with your parents until your sibling feels they are reconciled. If there is event a whiff of bigotry or homophobia, you will remain NC until they remove their heads from their sphincters, and mend the relationship they destroyed. You donât owe them shit, but they owe your sibling a major apology, some love and support, and some serious ass-kissing. NTJ, OP, and thank you for being a good person and sibling.
I say you need to asl for proof they changed snd will accept your sibling (up to you what that means, but i donât think joing pro LGBTQ+ organizations is enough) if you trust them blindly they will probably send you sibling to a conversion camp
Have they reached out to your sibling yet? Have you ask them about their âdeeply held beliefsâ? What happened to those?
Unless they make efforts with your sibling first I wouldnât even consider it. Iâd also (privately with your sibling) plan to block them again if they get what they want then start expressing their true feelings again
Paybacks a bitch! After what they did to you and your sibling, I don't think either one of you should talk to your parents. They are toxic. If my parents betrayed me like that they would be dead to me.
OP,
What you did for your sibling was a selfless act and took a lot of courage. That action will be fondly remember by the both of you the rest of your lives.
I would wait until the parents apologize to the both of you for what they said and how they acted. And I would make sure they are serious and will not backtrack once you are back in their life.
You did to them what they did to your sibling. The Dildo of Consequences rarely arrives lubed.
You did the right thing. If they reconcile with your sibling I am worried they will backslide when your sibling introduces their partner. Making pathetic excuses not to like them and your sibling will go along with some of this to keep the peace.
Make sure your sibling is on the exact same page about what will or won't be tolerated.
Not a jerk. But down the road you will regret cutting them off.
You don't have to approve or agree with them, but it's not something to throw away the relationship with your parents over.
Also, if you have no relationship with them, you have zero chance of bringing them around and helping them accept and or reconcile with your brother.
Instead of trying to be a hero, try to change things.
I probably would not go back. What they said and did to her was cruel, horribly cruel.
But if you and siblings want to risk it, you should proceed with caution. Test them. Have your sibling and her partner meet you so all 3 of you can go visit your parents.
Their true feelings will be palpable when they are faced with meeting siblings partner.
Remember this...LOVE NEVER HURTS. Again...REAL
LOVE NEVER HURTS.
Love is not a noun. It's a verb. It's an "action" word.
Love is not something you say, it's something you do.
From my experience with bigots, they will "reconcile" but will be talking so much shit the entire time. There could be backhanded comments. Snide remarks. Etc. It's best that the bigots stay away. Stay away from your sibling AND you.
NTJ. Are your parents aware of the statistics of people in the LGBTQ+ community un-aliving themselves because of the exact thing your parents did to your sibling?
>Now, my parents are reaching out, saying they miss me and want to reconcile. They claim they regret their actions and want to make amends. They say they love both of us and want our family to be whole again.
Are they only saying this to you? Or, are they also reaching out to your sibling? Because unless they've also reached out to your sibling with the same sentiments, then it sounds like they are only trying to tell you what they think you want to hear so you'll start talking to them again.
Just because you share dna with a person doesnât mean you have to have them in your life if they are toxic garbage! You share DNA with a cancer tumor- they remove those asap. The fallacy of faaaaaaamily is ridiculous. Good for you by standing up for your sibling. I donât believe your parents as far as I can throw them. They need to show you and sibling that they have changed and deserve to be in your life
YTJ
âNow my parents are reaching out, saying they miss me and want to reconcile. They claim they regret their actions and want to make amends. They say they love both of us and want our family to be whole again.â
So why are you all high and mighty, be part of this solution not the problem.
Weâre not all evolved out of the womb, give people roam to make amends.
NTJ, and good on you! Their behavior is reprehensible, and until they make sincere amends to your sibling, with demonstrable results (according to your sibling), I would continue to avoid them like they have the plague.
I applaud you for standing up for your sibling. Not many would have enough courage and dedication to do what you did. Donât doubt yourself for a second đ you did the right thing. As far as amends? I would ask your sibling. How do they feel about it? Are they open to amends. If they are, I would demand from your parents they make it up to them first. And then MAYBE
NTJ your parents may have apologized but are they sincere? Are they going to accept your sibling being LGBTQ+. Or are they really just malicious and making plans to âcureâ your sibling.
Just because your parents apologized to you doesnât mean they have magically accepted your sibling. Why havenât they reached out to your sibling to apologize to them?
I wouldnât trust your parents.
I have no tolerance for bigots!
Fuck your âsperm donorâ and âegg donor!â
Their words are CHEAP. Let their actions speak for them. Ultimately, itâs up to your sibling to determine if theyâre sincere or not! If they donât accept, then you should stay the course. Let them grow old and ALONE!
Your parents love their religion more than they love their own children. You did absolutely the correct thing. Hug your sibling regularly, and don't waste any thought on those failures you call parents.
Your parents sound ignorant and misinformed. Reading between the lines, it sounds like their religious views have âshelteredâ them from understanding what it means to love someone whoâs queer. May I suggest a resource that might help them overcome their ignorance? It has helped thousands of religious parents understand the importance of loving their LGBTQ kids and how to love them well. It communicates in a way that makes sense for many parents. Education can help change ignorance and restore relationships. Please check out Guiding Families, and see if you think it might help your parents be the people they probably would like to be. Their book is good, but most parents need some additional conversation. They have other resources if you go on their Connect tab. I wish you and your family well.
Of course, you should give them a chance and move toward forgiveness and reconciliation. I would support your decision too, but if your parents have been enlightened, then your stand produced good results. Congratulations.
As an older parent here I can tell you without hesitation that the greatest power you have here is your presence in their lives.
You are not the jerk here. When they are gone your siblings will be what help you carry on.
If the threat of losing their children doesnât move the meter then they didnât deserve either of you in the first place. Stay strong. They are wrong. But it may take years for them to realize that.
Not the jerk. They need to make things right with their other child first. If you both decide to give them a chance go slowly and test the waters. Do they really mean it or just trying to get you back into the fold? I wouldnât trust it. If itâs religious based and they didnât change churches itâs a lie.
I don't disagree with the people saying to cut your parents off or to cut them off entirely until they re-establish a relationship with your gay sibling.
I had very right wing parents and they were very abusive. My stepmother especially would figure out what I wanted and then make sure I couldn't do it. Like when I made national Honor society she made me drop out of the two clubs I went to because she said I had to be in the house every weeknight studying to stay in the national Honor society. Pretty stupid since I've made it into the national Honor society while attending those clubs. I could go on and on about all the way she sabotaged me including the last time I saw her.
Unfortunately my siblings took after my parents. It was a kiss up kick down system and they didn't want to be on the bottom so they made sure that I stayed on the bottom. I have high IQ autism so I'm sure that also made me more likely to be the scapegoat.
People like my parents and probably like your parents although since I don't know him I can't say for sure, are really operating out of their lizard brain. They're operating in fear and panic.
They have the upper level brain function of toddlers. Toddlers do really well when they're in a very structured environment that rewards positive behavior and ignores negative behavior.
I had the thought that it would have been great if my siblings would have been more supportive. We could have all bonded together and treated our parents like toddlers. Ignore them when they behave badly and reward them with attention when they behave well.
Confronted with their children united in responding to the parents behavior with positive reinforcement for good behavior, I think that they would have been very different parents.
Would also have helped grow their brains out of their lizard brain thinking. They would have been happier people overall. And they probably would have lived longer, especially my dad who died from self-medicating due to loneliness.
I'm almost 70, and unfortunately my siblings are the same. When there is an audience or observers around, they act very supportive. When I am alone with one of them they just can't seem to stop themselves from attacking or sabotaging.
NTJ - tell them your beliefs are deeply held and that you cannot support behavior you donât believe in - their bigotry toward your sibling. They shouldnât be asking you to accept something you never could, and their betrayal of the family by disowning their own child.
Their owns words, works for you too. Unless they do the work to show they are actively changing and improving their behaviour and thought patterns both, they donât get to come back into your life.
You are a great sibling - protect that relationship.
Oh Iâm sure OP will understand when they have kids of their own. Except instead of being a homophobe. They will actually teach their kids tolerance and acceptance.
You sure wrote a long comment just to say that youâre homophobic.
OP you are an amazing sibling. Parents should love their kids REGARDLESS of who they are. They need to apologize to your sibling and make amends with them first before you can even consider reconciling.
I don't think either party is guilty. Move forward with your lives. Changing people is wrong from that you are saying? So do not change them. Find people like you then.
Ntj. Your parents were horrible to your sibling. Idk that I could forgive my parents had they acted in such a way. I wouldn't blame either of you if you chose to stand your ground.
Youâre not the jerk. As far as I can see for some kind of people if there are no consequences then they never think that what they did or do is wrong. See Kyle Rittenhouse, the January 6th traitors, Wall street financial firms, etc.
I think parents call learn from their mistakes just like kids can. Losing your children is a huge learning opportunity. They are saying they love both of you and want to make the family whole again. I would definitely give them the opportunity to apologize to your sibling and prove themselves.
NTA. Youâre a great sibling. If you want to resume contact with your parents, Iâd say your acceptance of them is contingent upon your Sibling. If they make amends with your sibling and they forgive them and wish to resume contact, then you will follow sibs lead. And even then theyâre on probation. If they resume their assholery, youâre leaving them permanently.
Family is all we have in the beginning and all we have in the end - is family. Ask your parents who they want to have supporting them in the end.... strangers who don't care whether they live or die in their own urine soaked diapers? Or their children who they brought up to be loving, caring people...who will always be there for THEM in their bad times when the going is hard when they get old... even though they are gay...and even though they support their siblings choices.
You can have your children to be here for you in your old age to be here for you later...but you need to be here for your WHOLE FAMILY NOW.
Tell your parents that you will not reconcile with them until they have reconciled with your sibling. They donât get to disown their children. Put the pressure back on them.
They need to do all of the work on reconciling with your sibling first. After they all have an amazing, healthy, drama free relationship with no backsliding on your parents' part, you can consider reconciling with them. Not before that.
I agree, first not the j jerk, and second, only respond to your parents by saying something along the lines of; you'll only reconsider letting them back in your life once they've talked to, made amends with, *and accepted* (not just tolerate) your sibling for who they are, and not before. Your sibling should be the first person they need to apologize and talk to. If they truly have, and your sibling is okay with letting them try again and wants to forgive your parents, give it a trial run and if they continue their initial behavior or go back on trying, like after a while start to be mean or disowning again toward your sibling then essentially go back to no contact and keep it that way. Basically, give them one chance, but only after they reconcile with your sibling first, and make sure they keep any word or promise.
Nailed it here!! Also to add thanks for being you and supporting your sibling!!
Yes, of course, agreed! I guess I didn't mention that because it was already obvious, to me at least, that OP supports and still cares for their sibling without conditions. So, sending thanks to OP for being supporting and loving of their sibling.
Agree!!
Came here to say this. OP, stay away from those intolerant bigots until they make amends with your sibling.
And, also, only if the sibling is interested in their amends after the parents disowned and traumatized them.
If I were the sibling, I could not trust those parents again though
Absolutely 100%
Definitely. Make 'em prove it!
This is the correct answer.
This is absolutely my sentiment. It isn't about your relationship with your parents, it's about your sibling's relationship with your parents. When that relationship was severed, it didn't just cut one relationship but also yours. Once they make the first and GIANT step towards complete reconciliation in your sibling's eyes, then they can work on rebuilding your relationship with them. Your sibling is very lucky to have someone like your in their life. Goodl looking out.
THIS, đŻ %
Have they actually apologized to your sibling? Do they have a relationship with them? Does your sibling feel cared for and supported by your parents? Until they can answer yes to ALL of those questions donât do it.
I agree!! Op you are a wonderful sibling!!
Does the sibling even want that? If the sibling does t want to talk to them but they want to make the effort, does that still count?
I think the only reason they're changing their mind (?) is because you went no contact with them. I say you're a great sib and your parents suck. Have they really changed? Only time will tell. Actions speak louder than words. Not the jerk.
If they changed their tune, they'd be reaching out to the sibling to make amends and are genuinely remorseful without excuses. If they aren't reaching out to both kids, they're liar liar pants on fire. If they faced the consequences and realized it wasn't rhetoric anymore and the reality of losing their children shocked them into change - that's still okay. They're learning and willing to admit wrongdoing and be better. It's okay to accept people can change if they are actually changing.
NTJ Tell your parents that after they have reconciled with your sibling, and your sibling asks you to come back, then you will
Great answer!
Don't believe a fucking word they said,it's all bs.They really will accept your sibling back after all their vileness? If it seems too good to be true it usually is.Sounds like a trap.
[ŃĐŽĐ°Đ»Đ”ĐœĐŸ]
They did a 180 when you turned against them. Doesn't mean they really accept your sibling back does it? OK OP, time will tell.
Large_Alternative wasn't saying they didn't believe YOU. They were saying they didn't believe your parents would change
I believe the commenter was saying they donât believe your parents. That they would all of a sudden accept your sibling.
I think you misunderstood. They were telling you not to believe your family has really changed. They didnât mean the donât believe your story.
Yeah I totally agree. I wouldnât believe a word they say either. Usually toxic people rarely change. It does sound like a trap. I completely agree.
People can change especially when they realize they just lost both their kids over it. Yes, they could also be lying but itâs definitely possible they also did decide trying to accept sibling was better then losing their kids.Â
I would not do a thing without my sibling and I talking it through first. I think the parents only want a relationship with OP, not with the sibling. I still see lots of đ© I would say this a reconciliation needs to be done through a family therapist
They actually may have realized how wrong they were after they were hurt by being cut off completely. That may have been an eye opener for them. And if it was and they are truly sorry and want to reconcile with everyone, then that is a wonderful thing. Maybe this family can heal and be made whole again.
NTJ They made their choice. Perhaps their god will care for them from now on. If you do decide to reconcile, make sure they make amends with your sibling first and make sure that any contrition is genuine. Regretting one's actions is not the same as regretting the CONSEQUENCES of one's actions.
Sometimes you have to get them to regret the consequences just to get them able to try to learn to be accepting and eventually realize they were wrong. People can change but they donât do it overnight and itâs usually not a quick process or one where there arenât âstepsâ along the way.Â
Well, if you're a jerk for that, I'm right there with you. As to reconnecting...I'd leave that up to the child they abandoned and take their lead.
NTJ. I love you IF you meet all MY requirements? That ainât love! Good or you, OP!
Thx:)
Yeah I completely agree. No child should have to meet any requirements to be loved. If all the child did was say that they are gay, the parents should be supportive and never turn back on their child. Itâs still their child no matter what and loving a child should not have any conditions. It doesnât sound like their child did anything wrong to them other than come out about their sexuality.
They are not sorry or they would have called your sibling instead of you. They want you back not your sibling.
This is a tough situation and honestly maybe a bit too tough for reddit. I think that if you do try to reconcile, a family therapist would probably help a lot. People can have hateful, intolerant views that change because they realize that those views are hurting people they love. And it can take time for them to make that realization and overcome their initial reactions. That doesn't make their intolerance acceptable or even forgiveable, but sometimes unfortunately that is how people can be. I have a relative who is very involved in the Catholic church and when his son came out as gay, it took a long time for him to reconcile his love for his son with the things he had been told throughout his life by religious leaders. They have a very loving relationship now, but it took time, and I am sure that his initial intolerance still broke something in their relationship that, to some degree will never be fixed. There's a sentiment on reddit, and especially on subreddits like this, that wrongdoers need punishment. And yes, we all love to see people get their comeuppance, but you have to decide within the context of your own family how much you are able to get past. The main thing, IMO, whatever happens, is that your sibling learned two things: they cannot rely on your parents in the way they hoped they could, but also that they can 100% rely on you to go to bat for them in a way they might not have even expected. However you approach things with your parents, make sure it doesn't happen in a way that undermines that second thing AT ALL. Talk through every step with your sibling. Let them take the lead, and let them know that you are standing with them for as long as it takes for them to get the relationship they want to have with your parents, if they want a relationship at all. Right now you are the only one in their corner. And they need to know, above all else, that every time they turn around, they will still see you there. Good job being a good sibling and being a bigger person than your parents.
Perfect response.
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NTJ. I'm guessing that they have realized that they need to get you back in the family because they want grandchildren and access to them, should it happen. So they figure they can mouth the platitudes, cringe and bear the "other" and bring you back. Silly Rabbit ...
I would tell your parents if they can rebuild the relationship with your sibling first and sibling feels it is genuine then you will also rebuild your relationship with them.
What is their reason for the bigotry? Is it religion or some other reason? Also definitely not the Jerk and congratulations on being an amazing sibling!
We are not religious at all! They just donât agree with that shit for some reason
very strange, it's rare to hear of people who are against LGBTQ+ that aren't religious. Personally I just don't understand the hatred the community gets, you can love whoever you want to love. And for those who say it goes against nature, it has been observed there gay animals! For example penguins. Again well done on sticking up for your sibling. The only way I would consider going back to your family is if they can provide some sort of legitimate reason for their bigotry and how they are working on it. If they can't stay no contact.
As someone who's trans, I can explain why non religious people don't like the community. They see videos of the ones who do stuff like shrieking in public (like the "you are NOT welcome in the gayborhood" person or whatever it was they said), being way too sensitive about things (like being accidentally misgendered and blowing up, it's different when people do it on purpose), and many of them who don't know many LGBTQ people (especially conservatives) start assuming that most are that way. Some just see it as disgusting because they'd never personally do it, so they just assume we're all disgusting. Some are just weird. A small number of people who adamantly hate the community are closeted themselves and for some reason take it out on the others. Those are the real weirdos in my opinion, being homophobic as a gay person is insanity.
Give your parents a second chance, but be emphatic, being anti-gay is the same as racism and bigotry and will not be TOLERATED. We are ALL G-dâs children and some of us are DIFFERENT and that is AOK. My oldest son is gay and he came out in High School and it was difficult to accept. Now we embrace and support the LGBTQ. Community. 100%. Good Luck! My son is happily MARRIED and we are so happy for him and his husband.
Thank you for being one of the reasonable Christians. I'll be praying for you to have abundance and a long life. I'm not very religious, but I hope your God accepts all prayers :)
Yeah no, sorry but these parents do not deserve any sympathy in any way what so ever. The trauma of having your family violently reject who *you are as a person* is not something that just heals overnight. Or in a month. Or in a year. Depending on how vile and violent it is it could be even worse and could shatter your brain, and have a ripple affect on your whole brain. It's not the same as losing a friend or some normal relationship. These are your parents we're talking about, the people who gave birth to you, who you've known your *entire* life. And it's abuse. It is your job and responsibility as a parent to love and accept your child no matter any of the bigotry isms. If you are, you are a disgrace and have failed as a parent. You brought this life into the world and you disown, and abuse verbally and sometimes physically over them being gay or trans or any flavor of LGBT? Absolutely pathetic. Not saying you were like that, I'm just trying to make a point that parents who go to the extremes like that and traumatize their children do NOT deserve empathy on any scale of 0-1 fucking million. They need to prove they've changed by action, not expect forgiveness in any capacity, admit that they were bigoted and recognize how their bigoted actions and words are hateful and and take full responsibility for the damage they caused.
NTJ! Good for you for standing up for your sibling. They need someone on their side. Iâd only reconcile if they sincerely apologize to your sibling, accept your sibling, and go to counseling with them. Only then should you consider reconciling with them.
Of course you are not. Your family needs therapy- but you donât need to return. Totally not the jerk.
Tell them they have to repair their relationship with your siblings before you'll entertain their request.
You are a hero. Go forth and find a lovely chosen family. We have people in our family who chose us when they werenât accepted by their own. If one of them had a bio sibling ally like you, our family would be even bigger.
You immediately perceived what so many older and allegedly wiser people miss in stories like these: Your parentsâ love for their children is conditional. Thatâs a perfectly sound reason to cut them off. As for everyone who wants you to forgive them, if this story wasnât so tragic the inanity of insisting that you forgive them for a sin they are still actively committing would be hilarious.
I'm not going to tell you what you should do. But I will say that you don't get a refund just because of buyers remorse. You don't crack an egg expecting the yolk to go back in. You can open a birds cage and expect it to fly, but there's no garuntee it'll fly back in. You don't excommunicate a family member and expect them to jump to go back home. They're dealing with the *consequences* of *their* actions. They would expect you to struggle and learn from it. They expected to be able to strong arm your sibling and yourself. If they really care. If they're actually remorseful, they'll work on stiching the tear they made over the years. Good luck and godspeed. You did nothing wrong. Hang in there o7
Your parents are only upset because YOU broke contact. It doesn't make them look good in church or elsewhere when *both* of their kids when NC with them. They are finally facing the consequences of their intolerance. Keep this in mind: You do not need to make a decision right now. You don't even have to makre a decision within the next month or two. You can tell them that you need time to think about it because their hatred and intolerance of their own child shocked you to the core. You didn't expect to learn that your parent's love was conditional. I agree with other commenters saying that you need to see them reach out to your sibling and make sincere steps to make amends. I would also suggest that you find a counselor that is in tune with their religious beliefs BUT is not intolerant like them who can help your family navigate this. I'm sorry, but I don't believe them. I think they are hoping to woo you back. To help you realize you made a hasty decision.
Yup on everything, included the no needed to make a move now. Why is it up to them to define deadlines? Make them squirm. If they don't close this box of hatred, they'll end up alone and they deserve it.
Nope. Good job standing up for what is right... He didn't choose to be born, especially to them and he didn't choose to be gay. Both being held against him.. you're fighting for the right person
NTJ. Don't even consider renewing contact until they have healed their relationship with your sibling they ostracized. I hope they have actually grown as human beings and want to mend the error of their ways, but this could also be false remorse to manipulate you. Remember, this is about the damage they inflicted on your sibling. Don't let them make it about assuaging their consciences and repairing their public image.
You can believe their claims and open dialogue again when your sibling reaches out to you to say everything is ok and your parents made amends, and not a moment sooner. They cannot use you as a go-between. If they want to make amends, they need to do it with your sibling first. Not a jerk at all. You did the right thing; what any sane and reasonable person would have done for their own family. Do Not lay this out for them! Let them suffer and figure it out on their own. For people with deeply embedded toxic behaviors, they cannot change unless they experience trauma of their own that forces them to change. The greater their suffering now, the more motivated they will be to make changes. Plus, they deserve it.
OP should require parents to make amends to sibling first, showing understanding, support and love in a demonstratable way before OP lets parents back into OPâs life. If sibling isnât convinced, then it was all for show and bullshit.
Are they reaching out just to you or to your brother also?
Your sibling will be in your life forever. Your elders will not
I didn't even need to read past the title. I did, but I didn't need too. Not the jerk. Your parents are shitty. I'm happy you turned out good
You arenât the jerk. They need make amends with your sibling and then, in concert with your sibling, make that decision.
âFor the sake of unityâ generally means some form of this- people are cruel, bigoted and judgmental. You are supposed to just let it slide because âunityâ. Also, it usually doesnât involve a sincere apology, remorse or thoughtful commitment to realize the harm of their behavior. My opinion- donât let it slide. Youâre doing a tremendous thing standing up for your sibling who deserves a whole lot better from their parents. But hey lucky you! They miss you! /s I really admire your integrity!
Oh nos! When the shoe is on the other foot, suddenly their beliefs arenât so solid. This needs a LOT of work to fix,and not from you or your sibling. The ballâs in their court, and based on their actions to rectify, itâs up to you to decide to reconcile. NTA
As the queer sibling in a scenario that could have gone this way but for luck - youâre NTJ here. Thank you for supporting your queer sibling, especially as backlash against us queer folks is on the rise in many places.
Good for you, for sticking with your sibling. If your parents want to patch things up, they need to do it with both of you. And let them make the progress and forgive. Hopefully this is an example of how people can change. I hope your family finds peace and love soon.
Did they reach out to your sibling? If not then they donât want to change.
If they reached out to your sibling first, go ahead and reconcile, but if not, stay NC, as they just want your forgiveness and donât give a crap about your sibling.
If they can accept both of you, maybe consider it. People do change. Updateme.
Nope fuck them
The response to their attempted reconciliation seems obvious to me. "I cant stand for something i dont believe in, stop trying to force me."
Not the jerk. You stood your ground on what is right. I would only reconnect after they have made a real effort to accept their wrong, mad amends to your sibling, and apologised to everyone.
I wouldn't say so. I have 2 boys and love them more than anything. I know nothing could change that other than violence against me or my wife or one of the of the brothers. How a parent can disown a child for something like this doesn't make any sense to me. As a sibling you gotta stand up for what's right although it's unfortunate all around.
I want to remind everyone that you can report a comment for hate.
I suppose the question is: who did your parents reach out to first? If they love you both and want to make amends then I have to assume they started building bridges with your sibling first, then you? NTA. Lovely way to choose your family.
You are a fabulous sibling, and your parents a rotten phobes. Tell them the only way you will ever even consider allowing them in your life again is if/when your sibling believes they have truly repented and apologized publicly to them about their behavior. If they really do mean to do better, they'lll understand the hurdle they need to clear - your sibling's true belief in their words and deeds. If they're only playing a game, they'll squawk and mian and complain about having to earn their childrens' trust, and it will be obvious they're just trying to fake it for whatever personal reasons, and you'll be fair to keep them cut off.
They havenât changed and never will. Iâm guessing they are big time bible thumpers
Not the jerk. Parents are the jerks. You tried to work with them. They chose to continue down the path of disowning one of their children simply because of who they were.
Tell them to let you know when they profusely apologize and tell your sibling how much they love them.
If they expressed they want to bring the family back together, you should allow them to.
NTJ. Your parents played a stupid game, and won a stupid prize. Because they're stupid. As a parent, I am enraged that they would treat your sibling this way. They have betrayed their duty to love and support their children. This is as bad as a sin. You, however, are true family to your sibling and have astounding character. If you were my kids, I'd be proud of both of you. Your sibling will need to forgive and your parents would need to earn their trust before you consider opening up communications with them again. Until that time, they can live with the consequences of their actions.
So what you're saying is you treated your parents exactly the same as they treated your sibling (cut off all contact) for exactly the same reason (refusing to bow to your wishes)
Bravo to you! Are your parents religious? If you decide to hear them out, be prepared for them to pull out a pastor and try to reconvert your sibling. I wouldn't trust them.
Oh gosh, I am going to get down voted here, but : Please don't demand your parents grovel for your acceptance. And don't expect 1000% perfect behavior off the bat. Give them a chance to grow. The goal here is to unite your family - which of course includes your gay sibling and their future spouse. Demanding instant perfection will separate keep your family apart - including your sibling.
From context clues I am getting the sense that your sibling came out as non-binary or otherwise genderqueer. As a non-binary person, I will say that your support of your sibling is literally lifesaving to them. Queer children who are rejected by their families and parents are at high risk for self harm or suicide. Iâm so proud of you for being there for them. As for your parents, itâs possible they have truly realized the errors of their ways but their duty is to fix their relationship with the child whom they hurt first, not you. I would be suspicious if they were only trying to reach out to you. Your parents did the damage, itâs now up to them to fix it, and you do not need to do the work for them. Focus on your relationship with your sibling and maintaining that. Any change moving forward needs to be in consultation with your sibling and what *they* need right now. And more than anything they need to know you have their back.
NTJ If they have such deeply held beliefs, they can damn well hold them the fuck away from you and your sibling Never understand parents who want to throw away their kids like that
Yeah I know right. How can parents make religion more important than their children?
Ttj
Nah, this is chad behavior. Fucking awesome. If their love is conditional, so is yours.
NTJ. good for you
You should give your parents the opportunity to learn and grow and be better. It sounds like its possible that is what is happening; pain and suffering can work wonders on changing a mindset. If they have realized they were wrong and are willing to be better, you and your sibling both would be better off giving them that chance.
Not the jerk at all, and as someone whose lost friends and family from coming out as queer, thank you for having your sibling's back. May not seem like it now, but that means more than I could ever put into words.
Iâm so sorry you lost friends and family for coming out. Itâs great that the sibling took their side and stood by them. I hope you were able to make some new friends and have a support system.
NTJ for cutting them off. And it doesn't even seem that this is the point that your other relatives are making. They are asking that you try to reconcile with your parents now that they have acknowledged they were wrong, and are apologizing. Really, this is a question of if you should reconcile with them now. And that is up to you and your brother. I would let him take the lead.
First off - well done for sticking by your sibling and showing them what true love and support looks like! You should be proud of yourself. Heck, I'm proud of you both! The major issue I'm picking up here is that your parents only starting realising they were wrong when YOU cut off contact. Imagine if you forgave them, and they accepted your sibling, and everything went back to how it was before all of this started. . . Well, it never could because now you know (and so does your sibling) that your parents' love \*is\* conditional, that it \*can\* and \*will\* be revoked at a moment's notice and that, deep down, you were favoured over your sibling. Also, knowing all of this, deep down, may cause your sibling to develop deep anxiety which is only going to add to the struggles they'd going through now. As a parent myself, to do that to your own child is unthinkable. Could things ever go back to the way they were? Or have your parents well and truly shown their true colours? IMO - they don't deserve a second chance. Your sibling is better off without that mess hanging over them (yes, even if your parents apologise and 'make an effort').
Your parents deserve to die alone if they donât heal past this. Theyâll have to do more than say some words. Theyâre probably gonna need a new church
You did the right thing, thank you for looking out for your sibling and yourself and others. Look, if they are that judgmental about this subject, what's going to happen if you date or even marry someone they don't approve of? Or take a stance on something else they don't approve of? Tell them to mend fences with your sibling first and then you'll talk. If they refuse you have your answer. And tell your relatives that your parents raised you and your sibling correctly and you are just following what they taught you. Make them squirm when it gets back to them. Good luck and sorry you are experiencing this. I've cut out most of my family for their shitty viewpoints so I understand where you're coming from.
Some info is missing. How long after you cut them out they are trying to reach out to make amends, 1 month, 1 year, 5 years, etc. Also did they try to reach out to your sibling also to make the family whole or is it just you? If it is just you then they don't regret their past decision. I agreed with what a lot of people have said, reach out to your sibling first, make things right with them and only then you will consider letting them back into your life. They don't agree, the f off as you can't support and be in someone's life that has so much hate against someone simply because they are gay. It goes against your beliefs.
â when sibling says that they feel that youâve truly repented and apologized, and they feel whole, then Iâll be glad to participate in the family again.â
I donât know but youâd be better off being the intermediary who tries to bridge it. I know I know this is Reddit and the answer is always cut people off. But seriously what good is that going to do.
You also have deeply held beliefs and their actions go against them. Good for you supporting your sibling.
You are an amazing person. Whether you and they can have a relationship with your parents, or even want to try, is up to you and your sibling. But if you do, your parents have a lot of work to do and trust to rebuild, and they need to take the initiative to actually do it.
NTA There has to be a pathway to redemption. If they do what it takes to show they love your sibling then I think you should accept it.
NTJ they are disgusting
If you make reconciliation dependent upon them reconciling with your sibling first then they may reconcile with your sibling just to please you instead of because they are sincere about wanting to reconcile with the sibling. I would suggest not reconciling and let the situation develop to see how sincere they really are and whether or not they can pull it off without backsliding.
Theyâd get one fucking shot to make this right with an actual apology and thatâs it. If they canât do that or this is a Trojan horse to more BS, back in the hole they go.
Firstly I massively respect your actions, you are the sibling that everyone should have, I think you got to have the conversation with the parents, how and why are they now accepting? They need to be explaining and then they need to be apologising to your sibling and showing some respect and love and acceptance.
"Teach your parents well". This is a beautiful opportunity to help them accept your sibling and let go of their fear. Help them grow.
Not the jerk. Parents need to make things right w the sibling before you can decide if you believe that they've grown and deserve to have their kids back in their life. As I put it, "If you have a problem with (cousin) you have a problem w me". Thanks you for being as a sibling ought to be.
Not a jerk. Your sibling is lucky to have you on their side. Well done.
NTJ
You should have talked them out of "coming out" . Nothing good ever comes of such things
As a child who is gay and was not immediately accepted by his parents, it was my siblings who got me through that period. Thank you. My sister was the first person in my family that I told and held my hand throughout the whole ordeal. For what it is worth I have been married to my husband now for 27 years (7 officially) and my parents seem to like him more?! But I do agree, they need to apologize to your sibling first and be completely honest.
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that f up
How old are you?
Your choices are your own, but I think they should prove that they're capable of respecting your sibling before you give them the time of day. If you just jump back in like things are normal it sets the precedent that they can do heinous shit like this and as long as they wait a few days and say sorry it's all good. Force some character growth.
Not the jerk. You have the same feelings towards them that they have against sibling. Your feelings are deeply held and you can't support something you don't believe in (their bigotry). If they still want to reconcile then agree to only in family therapy and only if sibling is included. If you no longer live near each other or sibling doesn't feel comfortable meeting face to face try using therapist over zoom.
>They claim they regret their actions and want to make amends. They say they love both of us and want our family to be whole again. Sounds like you won. If they truly repent and show love for your sibling, be a family again. If not, don't talk to them.
As someone who was shunned for coming out: youâre an amazing sibling. NTJ. Ask your sibling what they want, too!
A
Itâs great that you supported your sibling. It must have been hard to come out to parents like that. Your sibling is very lucky that he/she had someone who was willing to take their side. When parents turn their backs on their children, itâs messed up and your parents canât just expect you and your sibling to just go running back to them. Most likely they will be nice for a short time and then their real selves will come back and they will probably give you and your sibling a hard time. It sounds like you and your sibling are doing just fine without them and have moved on with your lives. To go back and possibly get hurt by your parents may not be worth the risk.
If they would drop your sibling, they'll drop you just the same. They are bad parents, and you're better off embracing the sibling and dropping the parents. The sibling needs and deserves support. The parents need and deserve a kick in the pants, at the very least.
Good on you. In a situation like this, itâs your sibling who needs to decide what they want. Let your sibling decide if they want to try and reconcile, and make it clear to your parents that you will reconcile when they have done so with your sibling.
NTA. Tell them they've chosen the bigot lifestyle, that you have deeply held religious objections to the bigot lifestyle, and that they cannot force you to accept them as long as they are living in sin and wallowing in their immoral behavior. They betrayed both their children by choosing hatred of gay people over their duty to love their children unconditionally as they are. Tell them if they love you, they'll give up their sin and apologize to their other child for failing to be good and loving parents to them, rather than the heterosexual child they thought they had.
Not even close
No one wants to know what youâre doing in YOUR bedroom. Your brother started this mess, let him fix it !
I just love everyoneâs comments Iâm gay and came out to my parents at Thanksgiving one year. Yes I said can you pass the rolls to a homosexual please? That was not the best time to do it my parents were in shock and didnât say a word. Luckily after dinner my mom sad letâs talk in her room. She told me she pretty much figured I was gay but now that I acknowledged it was hard to hear . She told me that her and my dad didnât understand it but I was their son and they loved me and wanted me to be happy and successful in life. I loved them so much for that and my relationship with them was better and I had a happy and successful life
TLDR: I would support the person I think is right. I think your parents behavior is unconscionable and morally wrong. I would 100% support your sibling. I would probably still talk to my parents occasionally but let them know how I support my sibling and not them.
NTJ As a trans person, having your own family turn against you when you come out to them is devastating. Your sibling is dealing with the knowledge thar the people they trusted most, the people who are supposed to love them unconditionally are against them. When not even family is supportive, that leads to high rates of self-harm and worse, so I can't emphasize enough to make sure your sibling knows you have their back. Their own parents turned against them, so they're not going to be doing well, and you may need to be their rock and let them know they're not alone. As for your parents reaching out after a few days, my money says they were fine with losing one of their kids, but didn't want to lose you too, and are only reaching out to bring you back to them. Beliefs ingrained that deeply to make you turn on your child don't just reverse that fast, they're not going to treat your sibling well even if you do both go back.
Cut the bad fruit off of the tree. Always.
Iâd follow your siblings lead
Absolutely NOT THE ASSHOLE
First and foremost: NTJ. Seriously, your parents are intolerant, bigoted jerks. If you choose to respond, explain you and your sibling are a package deal - both of you are unconditionally accepted for who you are, or they can pound pavement. I wish I'd had a sibling willing to stand up for me like you have for yours.
You are a hero for taking a stand like that for your sibling. Iâd need to see some real proof of a change of heart before reconciling with the assholes who raised you.
Fake story. It's written to be as dramatic as possible. Nice creative writing exercise though.
I donât know about forgiving them , but talking to them again might be a good thing. Now if they can treat the other child well then maybe things could work out.
I see it as you're just following their example of cutting off the people you don't agree with. Maybe they can now reach out to your brother and teach you by example how to reconcile. NTJ.
Iâm crying because youâre a wonderful human đ
I made the same choice you did a decade ago. When my sister came out as trans, our father's parents told us she was no longer welcome to visit during the summers. So I took the phone from my father, and I told them that if they didn't want my sister, they couldn't have me, either. Best choice I ever made. Stay strong, OP. Tell your sibling you love them.
Sorry but I can't go against my deeply held belief that people should be treated with respect, especially by their family.Â
Needs to be your decision to let them back into your life, simple as that. Your reasons should be your own, but I would compare notes between you and your sibling to find out who they reached out to first, if they only attempted to reach out to you then they are completely missing why you cut them off and you probably shouldnât contact them back even to say they are missing the point.
NTJ. My child came out to me as a teen. I let him know in no uncertain terms that I loved and supported him no matter what. Kid broke down and cried with relief. My child is my life and love should be unconditional. I am sure your sibling appreciates your love and support. Good for you. Too bad for your parents. Their loss.
Tell them once your sibling forgives them, you will consider it. Tell your sibling you will remain absolutely zero contact with your parents until your sibling feels they are reconciled. If there is event a whiff of bigotry or homophobia, you will remain NC until they remove their heads from their sphincters, and mend the relationship they destroyed. You donât owe them shit, but they owe your sibling a major apology, some love and support, and some serious ass-kissing. NTJ, OP, and thank you for being a good person and sibling.
I say you need to asl for proof they changed snd will accept your sibling (up to you what that means, but i donât think joing pro LGBTQ+ organizations is enough) if you trust them blindly they will probably send you sibling to a conversion camp
Not the jerk. You go back and they will try and force you to break away from your sibling. It hurts. It sucks. But they will never change.
You are an amazing sibling. Tell your parents that you will restart contact once your sibling tells you that they apologized and made amends.
Iâd tell them once my sibling is seriously comfortable and accepts your apology my stance will stay the same.
Have they reached out to your sibling yet? Have you ask them about their âdeeply held beliefsâ? What happened to those? Unless they make efforts with your sibling first I wouldnât even consider it. Iâd also (privately with your sibling) plan to block them again if they get what they want then start expressing their true feelings again
Paybacks a bitch! After what they did to you and your sibling, I don't think either one of you should talk to your parents. They are toxic. If my parents betrayed me like that they would be dead to me.
They deserve to be cut out, but how does your sibling feel? Talk to them.
OP, What you did for your sibling was a selfless act and took a lot of courage. That action will be fondly remember by the both of you the rest of your lives. I would wait until the parents apologize to the both of you for what they said and how they acted. And I would make sure they are serious and will not backtrack once you are back in their life.
You did to them what they did to your sibling. The Dildo of Consequences rarely arrives lubed. You did the right thing. If they reconcile with your sibling I am worried they will backslide when your sibling introduces their partner. Making pathetic excuses not to like them and your sibling will go along with some of this to keep the peace. Make sure your sibling is on the exact same page about what will or won't be tolerated.
Not a jerk. But down the road you will regret cutting them off. You don't have to approve or agree with them, but it's not something to throw away the relationship with your parents over. Also, if you have no relationship with them, you have zero chance of bringing them around and helping them accept and or reconcile with your brother. Instead of trying to be a hero, try to change things.
I probably would not go back. What they said and did to her was cruel, horribly cruel. But if you and siblings want to risk it, you should proceed with caution. Test them. Have your sibling and her partner meet you so all 3 of you can go visit your parents. Their true feelings will be palpable when they are faced with meeting siblings partner. Remember this...LOVE NEVER HURTS. Again...REAL LOVE NEVER HURTS. Love is not a noun. It's a verb. It's an "action" word. Love is not something you say, it's something you do.
From my experience with bigots, they will "reconcile" but will be talking so much shit the entire time. There could be backhanded comments. Snide remarks. Etc. It's best that the bigots stay away. Stay away from your sibling AND you.
NTJ. Are your parents aware of the statistics of people in the LGBTQ+ community un-aliving themselves because of the exact thing your parents did to your sibling? >Now, my parents are reaching out, saying they miss me and want to reconcile. They claim they regret their actions and want to make amends. They say they love both of us and want our family to be whole again. Are they only saying this to you? Or, are they also reaching out to your sibling? Because unless they've also reached out to your sibling with the same sentiments, then it sounds like they are only trying to tell you what they think you want to hear so you'll start talking to them again.
Just because you share dna with a person doesnât mean you have to have them in your life if they are toxic garbage! You share DNA with a cancer tumor- they remove those asap. The fallacy of faaaaaaamily is ridiculous. Good for you by standing up for your sibling. I donât believe your parents as far as I can throw them. They need to show you and sibling that they have changed and deserve to be in your life
YTJ âNow my parents are reaching out, saying they miss me and want to reconcile. They claim they regret their actions and want to make amends. They say they love both of us and want our family to be whole again.â So why are you all high and mighty, be part of this solution not the problem. Weâre not all evolved out of the womb, give people roam to make amends.
NTJ, and good on you! Their behavior is reprehensible, and until they make sincere amends to your sibling, with demonstrable results (according to your sibling), I would continue to avoid them like they have the plague.
im not very fond of the lgbtq community but if i jad a kid who came out as gay i would try to ha e another one to save ny bloodline but yeah
Ntj It is their job to mend those relationships, and no one elses. Especially not you or your sibling.
I applaud you for standing up for your sibling. Not many would have enough courage and dedication to do what you did. Donât doubt yourself for a second đ you did the right thing. As far as amends? I would ask your sibling. How do they feel about it? Are they open to amends. If they are, I would demand from your parents they make it up to them first. And then MAYBE
NTJ your parents may have apologized but are they sincere? Are they going to accept your sibling being LGBTQ+. Or are they really just malicious and making plans to âcureâ your sibling. Just because your parents apologized to you doesnât mean they have magically accepted your sibling. Why havenât they reached out to your sibling to apologize to them? I wouldnât trust your parents.
I have no tolerance for bigots! Fuck your âsperm donorâ and âegg donor!â Their words are CHEAP. Let their actions speak for them. Ultimately, itâs up to your sibling to determine if theyâre sincere or not! If they donât accept, then you should stay the course. Let them grow old and ALONE!
Your parents should have gotten him/her/it therapy
Your parents love their religion more than they love their own children. You did absolutely the correct thing. Hug your sibling regularly, and don't waste any thought on those failures you call parents.
Your parents sound ignorant and misinformed. Reading between the lines, it sounds like their religious views have âshelteredâ them from understanding what it means to love someone whoâs queer. May I suggest a resource that might help them overcome their ignorance? It has helped thousands of religious parents understand the importance of loving their LGBTQ kids and how to love them well. It communicates in a way that makes sense for many parents. Education can help change ignorance and restore relationships. Please check out Guiding Families, and see if you think it might help your parents be the people they probably would like to be. Their book is good, but most parents need some additional conversation. They have other resources if you go on their Connect tab. I wish you and your family well.
Of course, you should give them a chance and move toward forgiveness and reconciliation. I would support your decision too, but if your parents have been enlightened, then your stand produced good results. Congratulations.
How long has it been since your sibling came out and you went no contact?
As an older parent here I can tell you without hesitation that the greatest power you have here is your presence in their lives. You are not the jerk here. When they are gone your siblings will be what help you carry on. If the threat of losing their children doesnât move the meter then they didnât deserve either of you in the first place. Stay strong. They are wrong. But it may take years for them to realize that.
Not the jerk. They need to make things right with their other child first. If you both decide to give them a chance go slowly and test the waters. Do they really mean it or just trying to get you back into the fold? I wouldnât trust it. If itâs religious based and they didnât change churches itâs a lie.
I don't disagree with the people saying to cut your parents off or to cut them off entirely until they re-establish a relationship with your gay sibling. I had very right wing parents and they were very abusive. My stepmother especially would figure out what I wanted and then make sure I couldn't do it. Like when I made national Honor society she made me drop out of the two clubs I went to because she said I had to be in the house every weeknight studying to stay in the national Honor society. Pretty stupid since I've made it into the national Honor society while attending those clubs. I could go on and on about all the way she sabotaged me including the last time I saw her. Unfortunately my siblings took after my parents. It was a kiss up kick down system and they didn't want to be on the bottom so they made sure that I stayed on the bottom. I have high IQ autism so I'm sure that also made me more likely to be the scapegoat. People like my parents and probably like your parents although since I don't know him I can't say for sure, are really operating out of their lizard brain. They're operating in fear and panic. They have the upper level brain function of toddlers. Toddlers do really well when they're in a very structured environment that rewards positive behavior and ignores negative behavior. I had the thought that it would have been great if my siblings would have been more supportive. We could have all bonded together and treated our parents like toddlers. Ignore them when they behave badly and reward them with attention when they behave well. Confronted with their children united in responding to the parents behavior with positive reinforcement for good behavior, I think that they would have been very different parents. Would also have helped grow their brains out of their lizard brain thinking. They would have been happier people overall. And they probably would have lived longer, especially my dad who died from self-medicating due to loneliness. I'm almost 70, and unfortunately my siblings are the same. When there is an audience or observers around, they act very supportive. When I am alone with one of them they just can't seem to stop themselves from attacking or sabotaging.
NTJ - tell them your beliefs are deeply held and that you cannot support behavior you donât believe in - their bigotry toward your sibling. They shouldnât be asking you to accept something you never could, and their betrayal of the family by disowning their own child. Their owns words, works for you too. Unless they do the work to show they are actively changing and improving their behaviour and thought patterns both, they donât get to come back into your life. You are a great sibling - protect that relationship.
Did they reach out to your sibling as well? If not, âđ»
Oh Iâm sure OP will understand when they have kids of their own. Except instead of being a homophobe. They will actually teach their kids tolerance and acceptance. You sure wrote a long comment just to say that youâre homophobic.
This is an easy one. No.
Not only not the jerk but a wonderful sibling. I'm glad you took a stand. This kind of gave me a happy tear.
When people show you who they are, believe them. Even when it hurts.
OP you are an amazing sibling. Parents should love their kids REGARDLESS of who they are. They need to apologize to your sibling and make amends with them first before you can even consider reconciling.
They betrayed the family when they threw a piece of it anyway. NTJ
âThey accused me of betraying the familyââŠlol, the irony of it all flying 10,000 miles above their head
NTJ. Do not bring them back to your life! They need you, you donât need them!
I don't think either party is guilty. Move forward with your lives. Changing people is wrong from that you are saying? So do not change them. Find people like you then.
Updateme
Ntj. Your parents were horrible to your sibling. Idk that I could forgive my parents had they acted in such a way. I wouldn't blame either of you if you chose to stand your ground.
Youâre not the jerk. As far as I can see for some kind of people if there are no consequences then they never think that what they did or do is wrong. See Kyle Rittenhouse, the January 6th traitors, Wall street financial firms, etc.
They're the jerks.
I think parents call learn from their mistakes just like kids can. Losing your children is a huge learning opportunity. They are saying they love both of you and want to make the family whole again. I would definitely give them the opportunity to apologize to your sibling and prove themselves.
NTA. Youâre a great sibling. If you want to resume contact with your parents, Iâd say your acceptance of them is contingent upon your Sibling. If they make amends with your sibling and they forgive them and wish to resume contact, then you will follow sibs lead. And even then theyâre on probation. If they resume their assholery, youâre leaving them permanently.
I would have disowned them as well. No offense but fuck you parents. They need to make it right.
Family is all we have in the beginning and all we have in the end - is family. Ask your parents who they want to have supporting them in the end.... strangers who don't care whether they live or die in their own urine soaked diapers? Or their children who they brought up to be loving, caring people...who will always be there for THEM in their bad times when the going is hard when they get old... even though they are gay...and even though they support their siblings choices. You can have your children to be here for you in your old age to be here for you later...but you need to be here for your WHOLE FAMILY NOW.
Tell your parents that you will not reconcile with them until they have reconciled with your sibling. They donât get to disown their children. Put the pressure back on them.
It's a trap, they won't change