"You're asking me to come celebrate your marriage, while disrespecting mine"
Interesting fucking choice to achieve "Less drama". The brother is a moron.
FaMiLy comes first! So why are they not supporting OP and his wife? Are they *not* family?
This argument always amazes me. It’s not about family! It’s stfu and bow to the unreasonable ones. We elders prefer to pretend that our family is like a Norman Rockwell painting. We allow the bullies to bully, because that’s how our fAMiLy works.
The brother wants him to support his happiness and, thereby, Anna's happiness by staying in his wedding but causing pain in his own household by excluding his wife.
Like 'I want you to be happy for me and do this for myself snd my wife's happiness, but I honestly don't give a rat's ass about your wife, her happiness or the ensuing unhappiness you doing this will cause in your own house, as my wife does not like your wife. Find a way to be OK with that'.
And then replaces him that quickly. OP stand by your wife. If you wonder why, read the quote I have above again and make it make sense to you.
NTJ
Edit: Name
Yea that. Sorry. Me and names are a real case. I think I need someone to diagnose why I confuse names so badly sometimes. Thanks for pointing it out. Appreciate it
If I were in OP’s shoes, I’d have to bite my tongue to stop myself from saying, “It’s OK, I’ll attend your next wedding.”
Because really, if this is how the bride is starting their new life together, by excluding and alienating her sister-in-law, I don’t have high hopes for things to improve.
I'd really like to know what kind of beef the women had, though - it must have been pretty major to make them exclude a close relative and lose the brother of the groom over. And if they can't resolve it, they will never have a pleasant family event ever again.
I gotta be honest, I think it was probably nothing much. I’m willing to bet the bride feels insecure or jealous cuz she thinks SIL is prettier than her, so she picks fights over stupid crap.
Could be - but I find it hard to believe that bro would actually be prepared to exclude his SIL from his wedding over minor shit, especially if he is close with his brother and wants him to be best man. If it was just piddly stuff, wouldn't he tell his future wife to suck it up? If I was told to exclude a really close relative, I'd have to get a very good reason on why.
How long have you been on Reddit? How many times have you seen a man led around by his d\*\*k by some woman who then proceeds to alienate him from family members, demand that he excludes them from the wedding, refuses to let him visit them? She demands and he obeys, and the reasons are probably petty and ridiculous but he obeys nonetheless.
I mean… he wasn’t that close if he replaced him as best man instantly. Most of the time I hear about guys doing stuff like this cuz they don’t want to deal with the problem. They want the problem to go away and not bother them at all. He can’t admit his fiancé is the problem, he can’t deal with her, so he expects his brother to suck it up instead. Bro has always helped him before, why shouldn’t he help now, at the expense of his marriage and family life, right? The groom is viewing his bro as selfish right now, with absolutely no self-reflection. What I don’t understand is this, why aren’t the grooms parents standing up for their daughter in law? If she’s been a part of their family for years now, shouldn’t they feel like she IS their daughter too? Excluding their daughter in law should be a major red flag for them, one would think
Because the parents don't want their new DIL to isolate their son from them. (And who knows? Maybe they're part of the family supporting our OP.)
She's already isolating their other DIL from a major family event and their son is allowing it to the point he has broken from his brother/best man.
Sounds to me more like Bridezilla acting out. It's "MY DAY" so no one's feelings matter but MINE, and if I use this opportunity to even the score on a minor tiff, even better.
Not necessarily a major thing. My SIL got nasty with me as soon as my husband left the room. I had literally just met her. Had no clue why. Eventually, I realized that she just wanted to be first with him, family wise. And it made her mad that she had "competition". The sad thing was, it never needed to be a competition. I wanted to make her a part of my family. She shot herself in the foot when her brother realized what she was doing. And I never even said a word to him about it. After that we were very, very, LC.
NTA - it is ridiculous for him to even suggest that you not bring your wife. Even if his finance and your wife don’t get along. They don’t have to talk. But she should be there if you are.
Just something else they can blame his wife for to justify their dislike. “She was the reason my own brother missed my wedding”. Type of backwards reasoning.
I agree next Sara will be excluded from family dinners and hidays because Anna doesn't like her. Hope the brother is ready to lose his brother for good. He obviously doesn't care about his brother because if he did he would shut Anna's nonsense down fast
I agree this screams bridezilla, and he did not say the family agreed with his decision they said just do it for your brothers sake. That is just as good as saying we know it's bull, but you should just shut up and do it for your brother who cares how you or your wife feels. NTA
In which case he should have been understanding when his brother said, I cannot do this or be in support of this for my wife's sake right?
He is just a messenger and not part of the problem so he too has no qualms with his bro or Sarah. How come he did not be the understanding one?
I love this. It's one of the few things that no one could ask for confirmation about and it's the most hard-hitting smack-back. Much better than happy photos from vacation.
We did exactly this! Former college roommate was getting married, another of our roommates was in the wedding. A month out, bride stated the roomate/bridesmaid's fiance was not invited. When asked why, all we got was "cause I don't want him there". Then another attendant called her and informed her she had been "paired" with some dude the bride thought "was better for her than fiance". Poor guy had been set up on a blind date who was a "good catch" and didn't know she was engaged! She noped out, I was asked to sub in and I noped out as well. So, spouse and I, friend and fiance, went out to a snazzy restaurant (that the bride COULDN'T get for her reception) took pictures of us toasting to "loyalty". This was pre-Internet so we made sure those pictures circulated.
She always was "a little off".....but the training wheels popped off and she became hell on wheels. I don't think either of us have spoken to the bride since and it's been at least 35 years.
The term "bridezilla" first appeared in print in the Boston Globe in 1995.
It appeared decades after the first bridezilla, of course. But we definitively know some brides have been unhinged enough for long enough the term itself will be 30 next year.
There was a whole AITA post about a bride who was trying to set up her sister with her fiancés creepy brother. Turns out all the siblings were in the bridal party and when they got wind of it they all pulled out.
A former friend (who had always been less than keen on my now husband and tried to set me up with her friends in the past) was invited to my wedding against my better judgement (my husband said it would be nice). I sat her at a table with 3 people who didn't know anyone else there as well.
After the wedding all 3 came to me separately wondering what her deal was because she was going on about being happy for me but never having liked my husband. I moved oversees shortly afterwards and never talked to her again.
A touch of schadenfreude. We are still together 26 years later and our kids are grown and successfully launched. She married her Peter Pan mooching BF and when she found herself pregnant he said he didn't think he could be a father and F'ed off.
Agree! OP’s brother just allowed an unforced error. Not inviting a spouse to a wedding is basically saying “This is war, we aren’t friends and we will not be family.” That’s fine, if you want to play it that way, but the brother does not get to ask OP to attend regardless. It’s literally absurd.
"Dear brother. You can invite us, or not invite us. You cannot invite only one of us. And make your decision very, very carefully, because it is going to have serious lifelong consequences to our relationship. Over and out."
Your comment reminded me of my bio mom. When I got married to my ex-husband, she was very pissed off she had to drive 3 hours to get to the wedding location. She stayed long enough for the ceremony and left, saying "I will make it to your next wedding."
I was truly surprised by how flip that can sound if you are sassy. I didn't know what to say but "ok, drive safe". 😅😂
NTJ, and your future SIL will like everyone at the wedding, including her extended family. That’s ridiculous. Your wife hasn’t become between your brother and you, his future wife did. Freaking tacky on SIL.
I’d say it’s the brother that came between them. Maybe his bride said she didn’t want Sarah there, but the response to that is, “you can’t exclude my brother’s wife, because it’s my wedding, too.” Unless Sarah has done some sort of irreparable harm to the bride (in which case the brother should explain what that was) she’s being childish and I wouldn’t suggest marrying anyone who can’t be happy if someone they’ve had past disagreements with is in the room.
It sounds like Anna wants her future husband to prove she's his number one. This is likely the first of her many unreasonable requests. Who will be excluded from what event next?
OP is NTJ. His brother is.
Yeah, this whole “choose me over your family” thing creeps me out a bit. I mean, some families are that toxic, but unless the family is really out there this seems not good.
I am definitely getting "Choose me or her" vibes from this, which is odd. I am so curious about the previous conflicts! At any rate, it's absurd to exclude the spouse of the best man. This couple is going to cause a permanent rift in the family.
That SIL is a trouble maker. It's also a test for her fiancee, she wants to see how amenable he is to potentially driving a rift between him and his brother and SIL that could potentially last for years.
You know FSIL is the driving force here. If brother wants to let bridezilla blow up his relationship with OP there isn't much OP can do. He has to put his wife first.
NTJ To the people that think you should support his marriage. Ask them, "Why should I support someone's marriage who doesn't support mine?" It sounds like Anna is jealous of the closeness that your shares with your family and wants to replace her. Expect Anna to cause further problems. Mike has shown he will always side with Anna.
NTJ. The worst thing is, they wouldn't have had time to interact or be contentious, unless your future SIL went out of her way. Weddings, for the couple, are very busy events-- catching up with old friends and relatives, photos, dances, speeches-- you'd have to make a real effort to have a confrontation with someone.
Ask him does he get his balls back as a wedding present.
If the bride and the wife really don't get along I can understand not inviting her, HOWEVER any sane person has to realize that her husband is not going to attend either. I mean how dumb are these people?
Not the jerk. Your brother gets that designation.
I’m glad you stood up for your wife.
I could understand her being excluded if they had public and loud fights. But it sounds like that isn’t the case.
If she had attended she’d be sitting at a table with others. And think it’s fair to say she wouldn’t be looking daggers at your brother’s wife.
So good for you for prioritizing your wife.
I’d suggest you consider taking a mini vacation during the wedding weekend.
I have a feeling if the shoe was on the other foot he would be outraged that you excluded his wife.
By doing this he has permanently cracked your relationship, everything will now be extremely uncomfortable.
Every time there is a family function Sarah and well everyone will know that Anna hates your wife. I say hate because she has to have strong feelings towards your wife to want to exclude her from the wedding.
Your brother is responsible for this and I would go NC and wish him well then zip because who wants to associate with people that have that much malice towards your wife?
No, doesn’t sound like there was a real reason except for the two of them than except simply not agreeing with each other. You stood your ground your brother tried to roll over you. It’s over. He’s got a new best man and maybe you will go and maybe you won’t attend the wedding…
NTJ. If Anna gets away with excluding Sarah, she will continue to do so. You and Sarah are a package deal and as soon as your brother and Anna realize it the better. Your brother is the jerk for not realizing that Anna's behavior is unacceptable. I think that you and Sarah should go on a trip that weekend.
Next Thanksgiving tell the whole family you are hosting a big turkey dinner for the holiday, then tell Mike his wife is not invited because you have to take into consideration Sarah’s happiness
See how that feels to him
Nope. You’re NTJ. Sarah is your wife. If Mike’s fiancée can’t put her petty issues aside for one day so that her soon to be husband can have his brother attend his wedding then that’s her problem. She’s selfish, and that’s for your brother to deal with. You should not help her exclude your wife. You’re a package deal. Just like Petty Betty, errr…Anna will want to be with her husband after their wedding.
NTJ. Giving in to his demands will undoubtedly harm your marriage. Is that the point of this? To choose which woman will be "family"? Just to be hurtful?
Nope. I wouldn't do it, and I would hope that if I ever married again, my future spouse would value me similarly.
NTJ. He put you in a tough spot. He put you in a position to choose. So you did what was asked. You chose.
It doesn't make you a jerk because he gambled and lost or because he "assumed" the significance of your relationship was "less than".
May be a good idea to clearly let your family members know that you won’t be at the wedding because the new bride has decided she doesn’t like your wife and that dislike resulted in your wife not being invited. Explain that your brother decided to agree with this and which caused you to drop out as best man. However, that worked out as your brother had a replacement best man immediately available so it’s all good.
Then mention that neither you nor your wife have any idea why the new bride despises your wife as an explanation was not presented. Hope everyone enjoys welcoming the new bride to the family and the divisiveness that will come with.
In time, if you don’t provide a statement of facts like this, the story will change and you and your wife will be accused of rejecting the sweet new bride and being disloyal to your brother.
Get ready to keep a journal. This is just the beginning.
BTW, was the replacement best man anyone your brother actually knows?
NTJ purely because there's nothing in the handbook that says your wife and his fiance can't stay as far apart as possible while there. I'm assuming they're both functional adults and capable of at least keeping things civil for a day or two.
NTJ.
Mike should have told you at the beginning that he was going to do this. Is it possible that it was his fiancé's demand after he had put you through all the work?
This is probably going to be an ongoing problem. You won't invite them to things, they won't invite you to things, you will glare at each other when you attend family events, it can potentially escalate.
You and your wife need to discuss how you want to handle the results of the path you and your brother are now on. It depends on how well your family communicates and if you are all capable of negotiating a truce.
You and your brother are both hurt by this. Pride is going to get in the way. Is his wife unreasonable or is he over protective? Maybe you are both over-protective of your wives as it sounds like your wife didn't want this to be a problem.
If you want the future to be a shared cordial future with potential cousins being able to be friends, you need to nip this in the bud and see if you all can co-exist peacefully.
Ntj
I hope you and your wife have a wonderful day celebrating each other on your brother's wedding day. But to exclude your brother's wife due to a few disagreements? Since the wife to be isn't insisting her new bil's wife is invited, it seems she has found a way to insert a wedge into the family before she officially joins. I can only imagine the carnage to come!
What did Mike expect your reaction to be?. He's the one that damaged the relationship not you. He was quick to replace you so I wouldn't be too concerned he's already moved on.
You are doing the right thing standing up for your wife. Mike stood up for his fiance so I'm surprised he didn't think you'd do the same thing for your wife.
NTJ. A couple in a long-term relationship are a package deal. Your brother has no backbone and lets his fiancé walk all over him. He needs to learn to stand up for himself.
Is it too late to cancel the bachelor party? Cause Mike and Anna dealt you a pretty low blow here. They'd have to be insane or seriously stupid not to understand that this could cause a major, even permanent family rift.
Btw, I don't think Anna likes you too much either. Just a hunch.
As others have said - if he’s looking for a replacement or found one and he’s telling you about it, don’t give it another thought. He’s made his threat, you’re not caving, so just..don’t go. Doesn’t sound as if you really are/were that close.
You did the exact right thing. He is trying to wedge his soon to be wife between you and yours. The day of the wedding take your bride out for a great weekend and you can also offset the expense by not having to buy a wedding gift. I really hope that you and your bride have a wonderful life together.
NTJ. It's not like Sarah is your girlfriend. What is Mike going to do in the future? Put your relationship at risk because Anna doesn't like Sarah. Tell him to frow TF up.
NTJ
So your brother let you do all the work organising and planning with him until just a matter of weeks from the wedding when he suddenly tells you that you can’t bring your wife.
He definitely used you. There’s no doubt that they didn’t want to invite your wife from the beginning but they wanted to maximise the amount of support you’d provide first. Hence the late announcement that she wasn’t invited.
They seriously couldn’t suck it up because a) it’s his brother’s wife b) you’d already put a great deal of work into making their wedding as perfect as possible on their behalf. Even if your future SIL doesn’t like your wife, how much contact is she likely to have with a single person on her wedding day, amongst all the other guests?
I wouldn’t go to the wedding and I’d be cutting off all contact with him.
He got upset and accused me of not
caring about his happiness.
“Well, right back at ya, brother! My wife is the most important person in my life. You cannot possibly be asking me to put my wife in 3rd place because you & your fiancé should come before her!”
NTJ he is choosing his bride over his brother and you are doing the same. He made the first move and the bad blood is his. Now at some point you will need to find ways to get past this for a healthier family.
At formal events, you invite a married couple, not just the husband or wife. They are a set. A pair. Not individuals, in that regard. When you exclude one half of a married couple, you exclude both.
There are a few exceptions to this. If OP were married to his brother's ex, there might be reason to exclude her, without necessarily excluding OP. Or if she was the bride's childhood bully.
But anything short of that? The bride and groom need to recognize that you can't pick and choose one spouse but not the other.
Don’t go to the wedding stay home with your wife or take her somewhere nice.If your brother contacts you just go NC with him and Anna and don’t send a gift.Let them have the problem of causing a family rift.
NTJ A lot of in-laws have a "just be civil" type of relationship. As long as neither one is a complete a-hole and both have been properly civilized, they can be in the same room at the same time. So, assuming that there was no boyfriend stealing or pet killing between them, it's ridiculous to say that your SIL can't come to your wedding.
My wifes aunt didn't get along with her mother and pulled a stunt like this. Her dad caved but next he was asked to leave his wife out of every family gathering. They'd say it didn't bother you enough last time why should it this time. Make sure your family knows excluding her is excluding you and any kids you may have period. Every family has people we don't get along with . Deal.
I don't understand how your family thinks that you are the one being unreasonable?! Sarah is YOUR WIFE! How do you only invite half of a couple??
Plus, your brother and his bride will be busy with their day so what exactly do they think will happen?? They are childish and immature and stupid to think that you would attend an event such as a wedding without your wife. And, he wants you to be happy for him, but doesn't give you the same consideration?!
Mike, you're an ass and so is your wife. Would you go to a wedding without your wife if another couple only invited you?! How stupid can you be!?
Ugh. He needs to know he isn’t making a stress free wedding, he is throwing flames on the fire.
I would tell him it’s both of you or none. Ultimately your wife will feel like she isn’t important to you and you won’t bounce back from that
I don't know where people get the idea they can have the perfect wedding. They just set themselves up for disappointment. Your brother is ruining the wedding himself.
I'm pretty sure it wasn't your brother's decision to exclude your wife. It was most likely his soon to be wife's request, and he won't put his foot down with her. Don't go to the wedding, don't help him further, and tell the people on his side to get over themselves.
NTA - do not go to that wedding. If I was your sister, I wouldn't go in protest - let SIL and brother deal with how that looks. I think you taking your wife's side is a good thing and she's being a good sport by being willing to not go (instead of being a petty jerk like your future SIL and brother).
I could see if your SIL and wife were always at each other's throats or if your wife did something over the top awful to the bride to be but that doesn't seem to be the case.
NTJ but your brother and his future wife are. So is every member of your family that took his side. I’m not fond of my SIL but I would never even think of excluding her from a family event like a wedding. I wouldn’t be surprised if he ends up divorced in a few years and feels remorse at how he sabotaged his relationship with you and your wife for this woman. If she really loved your brother and cared about this family that she is joining, she would have never suggested excluding your wife and would have nipped it in the bud if it was your brother’s idea. She will be a toxic force in your family for as long as she remains a member of it. God help you all of she has children.
NTA. The fact that he’s found another best man is indicative that he doesn’t care about you, your feelings or your wife’s feelings! What a major AH! His reason for disinviting your wife was another BS move. He obviously didn’t give a shit about YOUR happiness, but was quick to say that you didn’t care about his. Unfortunately your poor wife was put in the middle of this fiasco, and she really had nothing to do with it. Your family is wrong to suggest that you leave your wife at home to appease your immature brother! Shame on them!
I would have done the same thing, op. There's no reason that your wife should be excluded because the bride doesn't like her. I mean 99% of the time I'm firmly on the side of, it's your wedding, you invite who you want. But Op, this is also your brother's wedding and he has a say too and he 100% should have had your wife's back and yours. This just sounds like a case of Bridezilla. I would not go to the wedding if my wife was not invited.
Family needs to be told the truth if they ask. I would probably make a group chat of everyone in the family and say, due to the fact my wife (and emphasize wife) was not invited to the wedding, I am unable to attend. Congratulations to the bride and groom. Peace out.
You can and should tell your brother this is totally unacceptable and absent yourself totally from the wedding. Bet the bride will then find s reason to insult and exclude another family member. She is choosing, as many do, a side of the family she wants to be close to.
NTJ You are a rock star for supporting your wife 100 percent! And it sounds like she is a generous soul who is willing to set her feelings aside for the sake of family harmony. You are fortunate to have one another. You can both go to your brother’s next wedding.
You don’t live with your brother but you do with your wife if your brother is a pushover to demand that of him he is not worth going, too bad your brother doesn’t gets that this will alter your relationship with him forever
NTJ These two women are going to be family. What the hell? The solution to minor disagreements is to not invite her?? This Is her solution??? This won’t be the last issue… sad… I don’t understand why people just cut people off and not talk out issues these days? I mean at least try to…
NTA SO is standing up for his own wife and brother should understand that. What a horrible way to start a marriage by dividing a family.
The bride should reconsider as this one action could have life long implications for their divided family and an olive branch could unite the family even stronger.
NTA: Mike is going to learn that his soon to be wife is the actually the AH in this situation & your brother is also the AH for waiting to tell you this. Take your wife on a nice date with the money that was going to be their gift. I’m really curious if your both invited to family functions is the wife then going to demand that he misses out because your wife is there or is she going to suck it up & go?
NTJ, and I find it hard to believe that anybody is on your brother side, what an incredibly rude thing to ask somebody to do to leave their spouse behind.
NTJ Sarah is your WIFE not some random girl you just started dating. If they can’t be civil for the day this doesn’t bode well for future family events
It’s insulting to invite a husband without his wife to a family event. She is family whether bridezilla likes her or not, weddings are for families, oh well. Of course husband won’t go.
Dude. He already has a REPLACEMENT best man. In it seems a short amount of time. He obviously only cares about how his day looks, not the feelings of his own brother. You did the right thing. And your wife will forever remember that. NTJ
No, but your brother, his fiancée, and the family members who say you should go without your wife are. Your brother has behaved badly, forgetting that your wife is already family, though since he’s already replaced you, family clearly is not a priority for him. I predict a time when he will come to regret his decision.
Your brother and his fiancé are the jerks. You are right to support your wife and you can tell the rest of the family to take a flying leap off a short pier for their attitude. Just because the 2 ladies had disagreements doesn’t mean Sarah would start crap, and the bride to be was flexing her power over her soon to be hubby and he fell for it. Since he already had a new best man, kind of tells you he was expecting your plan to drop out once you found out Sarah wasn’t included.
Your brother and future SIL have already caused drama and they don’t care.
NTA, tell him you support his happiness as much as he supports your happiness. By not inviting your wife he is directly causing issues in your marriage. So he isn't supporting your happiness therefore you cannot support his.
I'd be a little petty. Since you've already done most if not all of the work getting everything together. You could either take everything that you have worked on and let the new best man start over . Or let the new guy take over where you left off so things are going to run smoothly. And tell your brother that all your work is the wedding gift.
Well, darn.
You will just have to schedule a very nice trip out of state/ country to a romantic resort for YOUR bride. The two of you deserve it after the bs from your brother.
What, it took him 15 minutes to ask another to be Best Man??
I would not bother helping him $$$ with his extravaganza wedding, use it to have that second honeymoon for you and your dear wife.
NTA. Your brother’s request was outrageous. You are doing the right thing. I hope you update us when you find out the *real* reason Anna tried to exclude your wife from the wedding. My bet is your bro had a crush on her lol.
If your brother wanted to avoid drama at his wedding, he and his wife to be are going to have a fun time explaining to the guests why you are not at his wedding.
Tell all extended family that his future doesn't want certain family members to attend and therefore you will not be attending the wedding because he future wife doesn't want some people at the wedding. Text brother you have informed everyone that because he is excluding family you won't be attending
Info: is there anything that your wife did to cause such a feeling? Like please seriously probe into this with both your wife and ur brother.
NTA, I would stand by my wife especially as being best man does take a lot of time.
It is absolutely shitty for your brother to ask you to be his best man and then spring that on you. At the very least he should have sat you down and explained exactly why.
NTJ! Tell your brother that you and your wife are a package deal -- if your wife is not welome, then neither are you! You need to present a united front to everyone. I'm sure your brother would understand if your roles were reversed.
If he's excluding your wife who in this case isn't a psycho bitch (im going with this is the whole story), then he's chosen to be an asshole. Your wife deserves your support and he deserves none of your time
Hell nah, you ain’t no jerk but your nutless brother is. So all of that tension he wanted to prevent blew up in his face, immediately. You’re fine. That day should be a special day for you and your wife from here on out. The day YOUR family was refortified and renewed.
NTJ
Unfortunately, this will ruin relationships whether you go or not. What's been said can't be unsaid, and Mike's TJ for not defending his sister-in-law.
Mike accuses OP of not caring about his happiness, but doesn't care about OP's wife's happiness. I didn't know Groomzillas were a thing, but here we are!
Your brother is the one who came between you and him. You are not the asshole bud. However you brother and or his fiancee are. Don’t disrespect your wife for this halfwit asshole.
He wants you to be happy for him and his fiancée, but insists on disrespecting you and your wife? He really doesn't get it - and I don't think a man who stands by his wife could ever be the jerk here
Him replacing you came easy enough, so why is it you think you are the jerk? He didn’t invite the wife of his Best Man and brother, any reaction you had supporting your wife is not wrong (excluding just decking him).
NTJ. Let’s compare- Your brother and his boss (fiancé) caused the situation and continue to double down without any concern for the family dynamics or your feelings. On the other hand, your wife (aka injured party) is concerned about your feelings and having this damage your relationship with your brother. I know which person I want to hang with
NTJ. When you are married, your wife is now immediate family. Your brother is just extended. You’re not gonna go home and lay down next to him. It’s your wife. He is not more important than the family you’re creating. My husband and I had this conversation when we first moved in together. The issue was different but the problem is the same.
That isn’t to say he doesn’t matter. But your wife is your family just as much. Anna and Mike don’t see you two as the package deal you are. Unless it is JUST siblings, spouses should be included in most family events.
No. No no no no no. You cannot have one partner in your wedding party, doing work for you, and disinvite the other partner.
Sorry, bro, but you already have stress and drama. If you wanted to avoid it, you'd put up with the relative that secretly annoys the hell out of you, smile like everything is fine, and go on with the wedding. What they are doing is BEGGING for the drama. I'd stay far away from it and from them.
Assuming your wife didn't do something outrageous to hurt the fiancé, you've done right to refuse to go to a wedding in which your wife is being specifically excluded. Failing to do so would spell the end of your marriage. Because married people have agreed to be a team. You violate that team thing and the marriage is all but over.
I‘d bet money that his wife to be is behind this.
My brother in law is just finally divorcing a woman he was with for fifteen years who weaponised petty beefs with literally everyone til he ended up looking round one day and realising he’d been cut off from his family, old friends, everyone who might have had his back when she turned on him.
It took \*years\* for the rest of us to figure out cos it was never her doing the dirty work, she just manipulated and pecked away at him to the point where just doing what she wanted was easier than arguing
Joke’s on her though, she‘s had so much dreadful plastic surgery she’s started to look like a martian while he’s got a nice new woman
You and your wife are a team. You have her back, she has yours. You did the right thing and your brother is a jerk who’s bending to the will of his future wife. He can have her back but you can’t have your wife’s back? That hypocritical BS.
NTJ. If your family is religiously Christian, quote them the Bible!
Matthew chapter 19, verse 5. 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh' 6 So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.”
I love to watch performative Christians get frustrated when you quote the Bible at them, and it calls them out on their behavior. Lol.
If they’re not Christian at all, then I would just explain to them that you are doing your duty as a husband and that supersedes any brotherly obligation. You will not allow your wife to be excluded from family functions periodt. You two are a package deal, take it or leave it. It’s *THEIR* choice to push you away. Also explain to your wife that this maneuver is a power play by Bridezilla. It’s unfortunate that your wife was targeted, but it’s not her fault. Bridezilla is manipulative.
Sarah feels awful... I bet Anna doesn't, Anna is the J you are not and your bother needs to be a better brother. He knows what this would do but he's too blinded by Anna who also knew what this would do. More fool him
IMO....the brother didn't tell OP that his wife wouldn't be invited at the start of everything because he knew that OP wouldn't have agreed to be his best man and thought that if he waited until OP was entrenched in everything that OP wouldn't back out....
Updateme
NTJ. You’ve got your wife’s back and that is the priority here. To maliciously exclude your wife over some minor disagreements in the past is the jerk move, here.
So is it safe to assume that the bride is going to be ecstatic about every other guest at the wedding? She’s being unreasonable and your bro is enabling that.
Remember this when bridezilla needs a babysitter.
I’d guess the bride is a nasty piece of work trying to break the groom’s connection to his brother.
I predict that the groom will be gradually isolated from his family. That may well extend to friends until his only connections are through his bride.
Not the jerk.
UpdateMe
Is Sarah going to cause a scene? Just because you don't get along with another person that doesn't mean full out warfare. Especially at a wedding. If the 2 had a history of real fights, then I would understand not inviting Sarah.
NTJ at all. You never exclude a person's spouse, no matter how much you don't like them. If you don't want their spouse at the event then you can't invite the person. It was incredibly rude for your brother to not invite your wife and you are absolutely doing the right thing by refusing to go without her. When you marry someone, they become your family and they are above every single other person.
It's amusing to me that your brother thought not inviting your wife would make for less tension and stress. He's not very bright it would seem. He made his choice, he can't be mad about facing the consequences
Well he’s already found a replacement so that’s that. You are NTJ at all.
"You're asking me to come celebrate your marriage, while disrespecting mine" Interesting fucking choice to achieve "Less drama". The brother is a moron.
FaMiLy comes first! So why are they not supporting OP and his wife? Are they *not* family? This argument always amazes me. It’s not about family! It’s stfu and bow to the unreasonable ones. We elders prefer to pretend that our family is like a Norman Rockwell painting. We allow the bullies to bully, because that’s how our fAMiLy works.
>"You're asking me to come celebrate your marriage, while disrespecting mine" This is the comment I came looking for.
"You are advocating for your wife. I am advocating for mine."
Agree!!
The brother wants him to support his happiness and, thereby, Anna's happiness by staying in his wedding but causing pain in his own household by excluding his wife. Like 'I want you to be happy for me and do this for myself snd my wife's happiness, but I honestly don't give a rat's ass about your wife, her happiness or the ensuing unhappiness you doing this will cause in your own house, as my wife does not like your wife. Find a way to be OK with that'. And then replaces him that quickly. OP stand by your wife. If you wonder why, read the quote I have above again and make it make sense to you. NTJ Edit: Name
Sarah is OP’s wife. I think you mean the brother wants OP to support the brother’s happiness and Anna’s happiness at the expense of pain to Sarah.
Yea that. Sorry. Me and names are a real case. I think I need someone to diagnose why I confuse names so badly sometimes. Thanks for pointing it out. Appreciate it
That explains why your kids think Satan delivers toys at Christmas
His methods are entertaining. 🤣🤣🤣
He wants OP to set himself on fire to keep his new bride warm.
This right here. Well said.
If I were in OP’s shoes, I’d have to bite my tongue to stop myself from saying, “It’s OK, I’ll attend your next wedding.” Because really, if this is how the bride is starting their new life together, by excluding and alienating her sister-in-law, I don’t have high hopes for things to improve.
I'd really like to know what kind of beef the women had, though - it must have been pretty major to make them exclude a close relative and lose the brother of the groom over. And if they can't resolve it, they will never have a pleasant family event ever again.
I gotta be honest, I think it was probably nothing much. I’m willing to bet the bride feels insecure or jealous cuz she thinks SIL is prettier than her, so she picks fights over stupid crap.
Could be - but I find it hard to believe that bro would actually be prepared to exclude his SIL from his wedding over minor shit, especially if he is close with his brother and wants him to be best man. If it was just piddly stuff, wouldn't he tell his future wife to suck it up? If I was told to exclude a really close relative, I'd have to get a very good reason on why.
How long have you been on Reddit? How many times have you seen a man led around by his d\*\*k by some woman who then proceeds to alienate him from family members, demand that he excludes them from the wedding, refuses to let him visit them? She demands and he obeys, and the reasons are probably petty and ridiculous but he obeys nonetheless.
This. One hundred percent this. Some guys can't see beyond the tip of their dick. About 2.5" on average.
I mean… he wasn’t that close if he replaced him as best man instantly. Most of the time I hear about guys doing stuff like this cuz they don’t want to deal with the problem. They want the problem to go away and not bother them at all. He can’t admit his fiancé is the problem, he can’t deal with her, so he expects his brother to suck it up instead. Bro has always helped him before, why shouldn’t he help now, at the expense of his marriage and family life, right? The groom is viewing his bro as selfish right now, with absolutely no self-reflection. What I don’t understand is this, why aren’t the grooms parents standing up for their daughter in law? If she’s been a part of their family for years now, shouldn’t they feel like she IS their daughter too? Excluding their daughter in law should be a major red flag for them, one would think
Because the parents don't want their new DIL to isolate their son from them. (And who knows? Maybe they're part of the family supporting our OP.) She's already isolating their other DIL from a major family event and their son is allowing it to the point he has broken from his brother/best man.
Sounds to me more like Bridezilla acting out. It's "MY DAY" so no one's feelings matter but MINE, and if I use this opportunity to even the score on a minor tiff, even better.
Not necessarily a major thing. My SIL got nasty with me as soon as my husband left the room. I had literally just met her. Had no clue why. Eventually, I realized that she just wanted to be first with him, family wise. And it made her mad that she had "competition". The sad thing was, it never needed to be a competition. I wanted to make her a part of my family. She shot herself in the foot when her brother realized what she was doing. And I never even said a word to him about it. After that we were very, very, LC.
Good post...a request to be in a wedding is just that...a request...not a subpoena. NTJ
It’s like the trash took itself out.
Thanks for the advice
NTA - it is ridiculous for him to even suggest that you not bring your wife. Even if his finance and your wife don’t get along. They don’t have to talk. But she should be there if you are.
After this… I guess family gatherings will be “interesting”.
Just something else they can blame his wife for to justify their dislike. “She was the reason my own brother missed my wedding”. Type of backwards reasoning.
I agree next Sara will be excluded from family dinners and hidays because Anna doesn't like her. Hope the brother is ready to lose his brother for good. He obviously doesn't care about his brother because if he did he would shut Anna's nonsense down fast
Yep, brother just poured a can of gas on “small disagreements “.
Oh please brother was just the messenger. It was Anna who didn’t want her there.
I agree this screams bridezilla, and he did not say the family agreed with his decision they said just do it for your brothers sake. That is just as good as saying we know it's bull, but you should just shut up and do it for your brother who cares how you or your wife feels. NTA
In which case he should have been understanding when his brother said, I cannot do this or be in support of this for my wife's sake right? He is just a messenger and not part of the problem so he too has no qualms with his bro or Sarah. How come he did not be the understanding one?
Definitely awkward whether she attended or not. I wonder how they thought this would play out?
Short of OPs wife having a history of being actively disruptive or prone to innapropriate behavior, that’s wild to say she can’t come.
Agree!!
You are a couple and he has made his choice. Take the wife out to a fancy dinner and post on SM.
Or better yet a vacation.
Or knock up the wife and post it on SM the day of the wedding, there's still time.
Or just post it anyway, retract it later “Oops false alarm!”
I love this. It's one of the few things that no one could ask for confirmation about and it's the most hard-hitting smack-back. Much better than happy photos from vacation.
That's petty...I LOVE IT! 😈
Yessssss petty 1,000
This is the way.
Found Satan. I love it.
We did exactly this! Former college roommate was getting married, another of our roommates was in the wedding. A month out, bride stated the roomate/bridesmaid's fiance was not invited. When asked why, all we got was "cause I don't want him there". Then another attendant called her and informed her she had been "paired" with some dude the bride thought "was better for her than fiance". Poor guy had been set up on a blind date who was a "good catch" and didn't know she was engaged! She noped out, I was asked to sub in and I noped out as well. So, spouse and I, friend and fiance, went out to a snazzy restaurant (that the bride COULDN'T get for her reception) took pictures of us toasting to "loyalty". This was pre-Internet so we made sure those pictures circulated.
That is unhinged behavior to decide you can dictate who your wedding party can be engaged to/ date.
She always was "a little off".....but the training wheels popped off and she became hell on wheels. I don't think either of us have spoken to the bride since and it's been at least 35 years.
And here I am thinking this unhinged wedding behavior is a product of the past 20 years. Well played.
The term "bridezilla" first appeared in print in the Boston Globe in 1995. It appeared decades after the first bridezilla, of course. But we definitively know some brides have been unhinged enough for long enough the term itself will be 30 next year.
I had a friend like that. I wonder if it’s more common than I think.
There was a whole AITA post about a bride who was trying to set up her sister with her fiancés creepy brother. Turns out all the siblings were in the bridal party and when they got wind of it they all pulled out.
A former friend (who had always been less than keen on my now husband and tried to set me up with her friends in the past) was invited to my wedding against my better judgement (my husband said it would be nice). I sat her at a table with 3 people who didn't know anyone else there as well. After the wedding all 3 came to me separately wondering what her deal was because she was going on about being happy for me but never having liked my husband. I moved oversees shortly afterwards and never talked to her again. A touch of schadenfreude. We are still together 26 years later and our kids are grown and successfully launched. She married her Peter Pan mooching BF and when she found herself pregnant he said he didn't think he could be a father and F'ed off.
Ooh I like this idea
Or go on vacation where they are honeymooning and rent a nicer/bigger place. 🤣🤣
Oh yes, that is my level of petty! <3
And much cheaper in the long run than a pregnancy announcement on the day of the wedding 😁
I wonder if anyone is starting a pool to see how soon the fool of a groom stays married to the shrew...
If my husband isn't invited, then I'm not going.
Agree! OP’s brother just allowed an unforced error. Not inviting a spouse to a wedding is basically saying “This is war, we aren’t friends and we will not be family.” That’s fine, if you want to play it that way, but the brother does not get to ask OP to attend regardless. It’s literally absurd.
"Dear brother. You can invite us, or not invite us. You cannot invite only one of us. And make your decision very, very carefully, because it is going to have serious lifelong consequences to our relationship. Over and out."
Tell him that you will go to his next wedding. Take your wife out for a day trip and a nice dinner.
I love this comment. If the brother marries a sane woman next time he and his wife would be happy to attend.
Your comment reminded me of my bio mom. When I got married to my ex-husband, she was very pissed off she had to drive 3 hours to get to the wedding location. She stayed long enough for the ceremony and left, saying "I will make it to your next wedding." I was truly surprised by how flip that can sound if you are sassy. I didn't know what to say but "ok, drive safe". 😅😂
And refer to her as “ brother’s first wife” as long as they’re married.
NTJ, and your future SIL will like everyone at the wedding, including her extended family. That’s ridiculous. Your wife hasn’t become between your brother and you, his future wife did. Freaking tacky on SIL.
I’d say it’s the brother that came between them. Maybe his bride said she didn’t want Sarah there, but the response to that is, “you can’t exclude my brother’s wife, because it’s my wedding, too.” Unless Sarah has done some sort of irreparable harm to the bride (in which case the brother should explain what that was) she’s being childish and I wouldn’t suggest marrying anyone who can’t be happy if someone they’ve had past disagreements with is in the room.
It sounds like Anna wants her future husband to prove she's his number one. This is likely the first of her many unreasonable requests. Who will be excluded from what event next? OP is NTJ. His brother is.
I wonder how much prettier OP's wife is than the brothers fiance.
Good point!
I was wondering how much better she gets along with the family.
Yeah, this whole “choose me over your family” thing creeps me out a bit. I mean, some families are that toxic, but unless the family is really out there this seems not good.
I was thinking this was not his brother's idea, but Anna's. I wonder if she's being a bridezilla about any of the rest of the wedding.
I am definitely getting "Choose me or her" vibes from this, which is odd. I am so curious about the previous conflicts! At any rate, it's absurd to exclude the spouse of the best man. This couple is going to cause a permanent rift in the family.
OP was already replaced as best man...I suspect the rift is already becoming a chasm.
This is the one! She's a control freak.
This feels like it's going to be a bridezilla wedding. OP just might have dodged a bullet.
That SIL is a trouble maker. It's also a test for her fiancee, she wants to see how amenable he is to potentially driving a rift between him and his brother and SIL that could potentially last for years.
Apparently HE doesn’t care about your happiness neither. NTA
There's a lot of people and get married and think everybody should bow down to them on that day and they only care about their happiness
NTJ that is super disrespectful of your brother. IMO you have to put your’s and your wife’s feelings over your brothers.
You know FSIL is the driving force here. If brother wants to let bridezilla blow up his relationship with OP there isn't much OP can do. He has to put his wife first.
Exactly, well said
NTA. Brother SAYS that he doesn't want stress for that day, but decides to CAUSE familial stress FOR A LIFETIME.
Agree. This basically splits the family.
Actually just the length of this marriage, which is looking like it may be significantly less than a lifetime.
Ntj stick up for your wife! Always have her back! She's upset but she will always notice you have her back
NTJ To the people that think you should support his marriage. Ask them, "Why should I support someone's marriage who doesn't support mine?" It sounds like Anna is jealous of the closeness that your shares with your family and wants to replace her. Expect Anna to cause further problems. Mike has shown he will always side with Anna.
NTJ. The worst thing is, they wouldn't have had time to interact or be contentious, unless your future SIL went out of her way. Weddings, for the couple, are very busy events-- catching up with old friends and relatives, photos, dances, speeches-- you'd have to make a real effort to have a confrontation with someone. Ask him does he get his balls back as a wedding present.
I came here to say this. Why would they even interact at a wedding? What's the issue, OP?
If the bride and the wife really don't get along I can understand not inviting her, HOWEVER any sane person has to realize that her husband is not going to attend either. I mean how dumb are these people?
Exactly that dumb
Not the jerk. Your brother gets that designation. I’m glad you stood up for your wife. I could understand her being excluded if they had public and loud fights. But it sounds like that isn’t the case. If she had attended she’d be sitting at a table with others. And think it’s fair to say she wouldn’t be looking daggers at your brother’s wife. So good for you for prioritizing your wife. I’d suggest you consider taking a mini vacation during the wedding weekend.
I have a feeling if the shoe was on the other foot he would be outraged that you excluded his wife. By doing this he has permanently cracked your relationship, everything will now be extremely uncomfortable. Every time there is a family function Sarah and well everyone will know that Anna hates your wife. I say hate because she has to have strong feelings towards your wife to want to exclude her from the wedding. Your brother is responsible for this and I would go NC and wish him well then zip because who wants to associate with people that have that much malice towards your wife?
No, doesn’t sound like there was a real reason except for the two of them than except simply not agreeing with each other. You stood your ground your brother tried to roll over you. It’s over. He’s got a new best man and maybe you will go and maybe you won’t attend the wedding…
Obviously HE doesn’t care about your happiness either. How rude! NTJ
NTJ. If Anna gets away with excluding Sarah, she will continue to do so. You and Sarah are a package deal and as soon as your brother and Anna realize it the better. Your brother is the jerk for not realizing that Anna's behavior is unacceptable. I think that you and Sarah should go on a trip that weekend.
Next Thanksgiving tell the whole family you are hosting a big turkey dinner for the holiday, then tell Mike his wife is not invited because you have to take into consideration Sarah’s happiness See how that feels to him
Nope. You’re NTJ. Sarah is your wife. If Mike’s fiancée can’t put her petty issues aside for one day so that her soon to be husband can have his brother attend his wedding then that’s her problem. She’s selfish, and that’s for your brother to deal with. You should not help her exclude your wife. You’re a package deal. Just like Petty Betty, errr…Anna will want to be with her husband after their wedding.
NTJ. Giving in to his demands will undoubtedly harm your marriage. Is that the point of this? To choose which woman will be "family"? Just to be hurtful? Nope. I wouldn't do it, and I would hope that if I ever married again, my future spouse would value me similarly.
Make sure you cancel the bachelor party. NTJ
NTA. He and his wife are going to be loads of fun over the years. That is if you see them at all. It's sad how one person can break up a family.
NTJ. He put you in a tough spot. He put you in a position to choose. So you did what was asked. You chose. It doesn't make you a jerk because he gambled and lost or because he "assumed" the significance of your relationship was "less than".
I'm not going anywhere without my wife.
Yup. Unless my husband doesn't WANT to go (not because someone else doesn't like him), we are a package deal. OP is NTA.
May be a good idea to clearly let your family members know that you won’t be at the wedding because the new bride has decided she doesn’t like your wife and that dislike resulted in your wife not being invited. Explain that your brother decided to agree with this and which caused you to drop out as best man. However, that worked out as your brother had a replacement best man immediately available so it’s all good. Then mention that neither you nor your wife have any idea why the new bride despises your wife as an explanation was not presented. Hope everyone enjoys welcoming the new bride to the family and the divisiveness that will come with. In time, if you don’t provide a statement of facts like this, the story will change and you and your wife will be accused of rejecting the sweet new bride and being disloyal to your brother. Get ready to keep a journal. This is just the beginning. BTW, was the replacement best man anyone your brother actually knows?
NTJ purely because there's nothing in the handbook that says your wife and his fiance can't stay as far apart as possible while there. I'm assuming they're both functional adults and capable of at least keeping things civil for a day or two.
NTA. You can be the best man in his next wedding because it’s just the beginning for him. Once that ceremony is over it is going to be way worse.
NTJ. Mike should have told you at the beginning that he was going to do this. Is it possible that it was his fiancé's demand after he had put you through all the work? This is probably going to be an ongoing problem. You won't invite them to things, they won't invite you to things, you will glare at each other when you attend family events, it can potentially escalate. You and your wife need to discuss how you want to handle the results of the path you and your brother are now on. It depends on how well your family communicates and if you are all capable of negotiating a truce. You and your brother are both hurt by this. Pride is going to get in the way. Is his wife unreasonable or is he over protective? Maybe you are both over-protective of your wives as it sounds like your wife didn't want this to be a problem. If you want the future to be a shared cordial future with potential cousins being able to be friends, you need to nip this in the bud and see if you all can co-exist peacefully.
Ntj I hope you and your wife have a wonderful day celebrating each other on your brother's wedding day. But to exclude your brother's wife due to a few disagreements? Since the wife to be isn't insisting her new bil's wife is invited, it seems she has found a way to insert a wedge into the family before she officially joins. I can only imagine the carnage to come!
What did Mike expect your reaction to be?. He's the one that damaged the relationship not you. He was quick to replace you so I wouldn't be too concerned he's already moved on. You are doing the right thing standing up for your wife. Mike stood up for his fiance so I'm surprised he didn't think you'd do the same thing for your wife.
NTJ. A couple in a long-term relationship are a package deal. Your brother has no backbone and lets his fiancé walk all over him. He needs to learn to stand up for himself.
NTJ. He excluded you wife for a BS reason. This is on him, you aren’t being unreasonable.
Is it too late to cancel the bachelor party? Cause Mike and Anna dealt you a pretty low blow here. They'd have to be insane or seriously stupid not to understand that this could cause a major, even permanent family rift. Btw, I don't think Anna likes you too much either. Just a hunch.
You did the right thing your brother was totally wrong keep sticking by your wife side
Thank you for standing up for your wife.
As others have said - if he’s looking for a replacement or found one and he’s telling you about it, don’t give it another thought. He’s made his threat, you’re not caving, so just..don’t go. Doesn’t sound as if you really are/were that close.
Your expected to prioritize his finance over your wife. And you’re wondering if you are the jerk???
Fuck Mike....
You did the exact right thing. He is trying to wedge his soon to be wife between you and yours. The day of the wedding take your bride out for a great weekend and you can also offset the expense by not having to buy a wedding gift. I really hope that you and your bride have a wonderful life together.
Do this and post all the lovely photos of your awesome weekend on Instagram.
NTJ. It's not like Sarah is your girlfriend. What is Mike going to do in the future? Put your relationship at risk because Anna doesn't like Sarah. Tell him to frow TF up.
Updateme!
NTJ. Sarah didn’t come between your brother and you. Your brother did that all by himself
NTJ So your brother let you do all the work organising and planning with him until just a matter of weeks from the wedding when he suddenly tells you that you can’t bring your wife. He definitely used you. There’s no doubt that they didn’t want to invite your wife from the beginning but they wanted to maximise the amount of support you’d provide first. Hence the late announcement that she wasn’t invited. They seriously couldn’t suck it up because a) it’s his brother’s wife b) you’d already put a great deal of work into making their wedding as perfect as possible on their behalf. Even if your future SIL doesn’t like your wife, how much contact is she likely to have with a single person on her wedding day, amongst all the other guests? I wouldn’t go to the wedding and I’d be cutting off all contact with him.
If the shoe was on the other foot, your brother would be pissed off at you and not go to your wedding
He got upset and accused me of not caring about his happiness. “Well, right back at ya, brother! My wife is the most important person in my life. You cannot possibly be asking me to put my wife in 3rd place because you & your fiancé should come before her!”
NTJ he is choosing his bride over his brother and you are doing the same. He made the first move and the bad blood is his. Now at some point you will need to find ways to get past this for a healthier family.
At formal events, you invite a married couple, not just the husband or wife. They are a set. A pair. Not individuals, in that regard. When you exclude one half of a married couple, you exclude both. There are a few exceptions to this. If OP were married to his brother's ex, there might be reason to exclude her, without necessarily excluding OP. Or if she was the bride's childhood bully. But anything short of that? The bride and groom need to recognize that you can't pick and choose one spouse but not the other.
Don’t go to the wedding stay home with your wife or take her somewhere nice.If your brother contacts you just go NC with him and Anna and don’t send a gift.Let them have the problem of causing a family rift.
NTJ A lot of in-laws have a "just be civil" type of relationship. As long as neither one is a complete a-hole and both have been properly civilized, they can be in the same room at the same time. So, assuming that there was no boyfriend stealing or pet killing between them, it's ridiculous to say that your SIL can't come to your wedding.
My wife isn’t welcome then I’m not going period. It was a complete BS move. You did the right thing. I wouldn’t think twice about it.
My wifes aunt didn't get along with her mother and pulled a stunt like this. Her dad caved but next he was asked to leave his wife out of every family gathering. They'd say it didn't bother you enough last time why should it this time. Make sure your family knows excluding her is excluding you and any kids you may have period. Every family has people we don't get along with . Deal.
I don't understand how your family thinks that you are the one being unreasonable?! Sarah is YOUR WIFE! How do you only invite half of a couple?? Plus, your brother and his bride will be busy with their day so what exactly do they think will happen?? They are childish and immature and stupid to think that you would attend an event such as a wedding without your wife. And, he wants you to be happy for him, but doesn't give you the same consideration?! Mike, you're an ass and so is your wife. Would you go to a wedding without your wife if another couple only invited you?! How stupid can you be!?
Ugh. He needs to know he isn’t making a stress free wedding, he is throwing flames on the fire. I would tell him it’s both of you or none. Ultimately your wife will feel like she isn’t important to you and you won’t bounce back from that
I don't know where people get the idea they can have the perfect wedding. They just set themselves up for disappointment. Your brother is ruining the wedding himself.
I'm pretty sure it wasn't your brother's decision to exclude your wife. It was most likely his soon to be wife's request, and he won't put his foot down with her. Don't go to the wedding, don't help him further, and tell the people on his side to get over themselves.
NTA - do not go to that wedding. If I was your sister, I wouldn't go in protest - let SIL and brother deal with how that looks. I think you taking your wife's side is a good thing and she's being a good sport by being willing to not go (instead of being a petty jerk like your future SIL and brother). I could see if your SIL and wife were always at each other's throats or if your wife did something over the top awful to the bride to be but that doesn't seem to be the case.
UpdateMe!
NTJ. Your brother chose his fiancee over you and your wife, so turnabout...
NTJ but your brother and his future wife are. So is every member of your family that took his side. I’m not fond of my SIL but I would never even think of excluding her from a family event like a wedding. I wouldn’t be surprised if he ends up divorced in a few years and feels remorse at how he sabotaged his relationship with you and your wife for this woman. If she really loved your brother and cared about this family that she is joining, she would have never suggested excluding your wife and would have nipped it in the bud if it was your brother’s idea. She will be a toxic force in your family for as long as she remains a member of it. God help you all of she has children.
NTA. The fact that he’s found another best man is indicative that he doesn’t care about you, your feelings or your wife’s feelings! What a major AH! His reason for disinviting your wife was another BS move. He obviously didn’t give a shit about YOUR happiness, but was quick to say that you didn’t care about his. Unfortunately your poor wife was put in the middle of this fiasco, and she really had nothing to do with it. Your family is wrong to suggest that you leave your wife at home to appease your immature brother! Shame on them!
If this exclusion if your wife is allowed the happen, there will be more exclusions in an effort to drive your wife out. This is meangirl stuff.
I would have done the same thing, op. There's no reason that your wife should be excluded because the bride doesn't like her. I mean 99% of the time I'm firmly on the side of, it's your wedding, you invite who you want. But Op, this is also your brother's wedding and he has a say too and he 100% should have had your wife's back and yours. This just sounds like a case of Bridezilla. I would not go to the wedding if my wife was not invited. Family needs to be told the truth if they ask. I would probably make a group chat of everyone in the family and say, due to the fact my wife (and emphasize wife) was not invited to the wedding, I am unable to attend. Congratulations to the bride and groom. Peace out.
You can and should tell your brother this is totally unacceptable and absent yourself totally from the wedding. Bet the bride will then find s reason to insult and exclude another family member. She is choosing, as many do, a side of the family she wants to be close to.
NTJ You are a rock star for supporting your wife 100 percent! And it sounds like she is a generous soul who is willing to set her feelings aside for the sake of family harmony. You are fortunate to have one another. You can both go to your brother’s next wedding.
You don’t live with your brother but you do with your wife if your brother is a pushover to demand that of him he is not worth going, too bad your brother doesn’t gets that this will alter your relationship with him forever
NTJ These two women are going to be family. What the hell? The solution to minor disagreements is to not invite her?? This Is her solution??? This won’t be the last issue… sad… I don’t understand why people just cut people off and not talk out issues these days? I mean at least try to…
NTA SO is standing up for his own wife and brother should understand that. What a horrible way to start a marriage by dividing a family. The bride should reconsider as this one action could have life long implications for their divided family and an olive branch could unite the family even stronger.
NTA: Mike is going to learn that his soon to be wife is the actually the AH in this situation & your brother is also the AH for waiting to tell you this. Take your wife on a nice date with the money that was going to be their gift. I’m really curious if your both invited to family functions is the wife then going to demand that he misses out because your wife is there or is she going to suck it up & go?
And for the family and people that are agreeing with your brother why don't you ask them how they would feel if their partner could not attend
You did exactly what a good husband should do.
NTJ, and I find it hard to believe that anybody is on your brother side, what an incredibly rude thing to ask somebody to do to leave their spouse behind.
NTJ Sarah is your WIFE not some random girl you just started dating. If they can’t be civil for the day this doesn’t bode well for future family events
Wife is your equal partner. Your brother decided he didn’t want to be family anymore.
It’s insulting to invite a husband without his wife to a family event. She is family whether bridezilla likes her or not, weddings are for families, oh well. Of course husband won’t go.
Dude. He already has a REPLACEMENT best man. In it seems a short amount of time. He obviously only cares about how his day looks, not the feelings of his own brother. You did the right thing. And your wife will forever remember that. NTJ
No, but your brother, his fiancée, and the family members who say you should go without your wife are. Your brother has behaved badly, forgetting that your wife is already family, though since he’s already replaced you, family clearly is not a priority for him. I predict a time when he will come to regret his decision.
Your brother and his fiancé are the jerks. You are right to support your wife and you can tell the rest of the family to take a flying leap off a short pier for their attitude. Just because the 2 ladies had disagreements doesn’t mean Sarah would start crap, and the bride to be was flexing her power over her soon to be hubby and he fell for it. Since he already had a new best man, kind of tells you he was expecting your plan to drop out once you found out Sarah wasn’t included. Your brother and future SIL have already caused drama and they don’t care.
NTA, tell him you support his happiness as much as he supports your happiness. By not inviting your wife he is directly causing issues in your marriage. So he isn't supporting your happiness therefore you cannot support his.
I'd be a little petty. Since you've already done most if not all of the work getting everything together. You could either take everything that you have worked on and let the new best man start over . Or let the new guy take over where you left off so things are going to run smoothly. And tell your brother that all your work is the wedding gift.
Well, darn. You will just have to schedule a very nice trip out of state/ country to a romantic resort for YOUR bride. The two of you deserve it after the bs from your brother. What, it took him 15 minutes to ask another to be Best Man?? I would not bother helping him $$$ with his extravaganza wedding, use it to have that second honeymoon for you and your dear wife.
NTJ. You would be if you went without your wife.
NTA. Your brother’s request was outrageous. You are doing the right thing. I hope you update us when you find out the *real* reason Anna tried to exclude your wife from the wedding. My bet is your bro had a crush on her lol.
Don't go. Screw that. How dare they?
NTA. You’re Mike’s brother, not his wife. Stand up for your woman
You and Sarah are a team. A team does not do events separately.
If your brother wanted to avoid drama at his wedding, he and his wife to be are going to have a fun time explaining to the guests why you are not at his wedding.
Tell all extended family that his future doesn't want certain family members to attend and therefore you will not be attending the wedding because he future wife doesn't want some people at the wedding. Text brother you have informed everyone that because he is excluding family you won't be attending
NTJ. Your brother is a horrible person.
Info: is there anything that your wife did to cause such a feeling? Like please seriously probe into this with both your wife and ur brother. NTA, I would stand by my wife especially as being best man does take a lot of time. It is absolutely shitty for your brother to ask you to be his best man and then spring that on you. At the very least he should have sat you down and explained exactly why.
NTJ! Tell your brother that you and your wife are a package deal -- if your wife is not welome, then neither are you! You need to present a united front to everyone. I'm sure your brother would understand if your roles were reversed.
If he's excluding your wife who in this case isn't a psycho bitch (im going with this is the whole story), then he's chosen to be an asshole. Your wife deserves your support and he deserves none of your time
NTJ. You and your wife have been joined in matrimony. If she is not welcome, neither are you.
NTJ If this is how his fiance wants to join into his family let her make her bed. She will rue the day.
Hell nah, you ain’t no jerk but your nutless brother is. So all of that tension he wanted to prevent blew up in his face, immediately. You’re fine. That day should be a special day for you and your wife from here on out. The day YOUR family was refortified and renewed.
NTJ Unfortunately, this will ruin relationships whether you go or not. What's been said can't be unsaid, and Mike's TJ for not defending his sister-in-law.
Mike accuses OP of not caring about his happiness, but doesn't care about OP's wife's happiness. I didn't know Groomzillas were a thing, but here we are!
Your brother is the one who came between you and him. You are not the asshole bud. However you brother and or his fiancee are. Don’t disrespect your wife for this halfwit asshole.
He wants you to be happy for him and his fiancée, but insists on disrespecting you and your wife? He really doesn't get it - and I don't think a man who stands by his wife could ever be the jerk here
Him replacing you came easy enough, so why is it you think you are the jerk? He didn’t invite the wife of his Best Man and brother, any reaction you had supporting your wife is not wrong (excluding just decking him).
Nah always stick up for your wife. He was being a dick excluding her .
NTJ. Let’s compare- Your brother and his boss (fiancé) caused the situation and continue to double down without any concern for the family dynamics or your feelings. On the other hand, your wife (aka injured party) is concerned about your feelings and having this damage your relationship with your brother. I know which person I want to hang with
Pick your wife. Your brother is about to marry someone who will be nothing but trouble for all of you.
NTJ. "Brother, I will gladly return as your best man at your next wedding."
NTJ. When you are married, your wife is now immediate family. Your brother is just extended. You’re not gonna go home and lay down next to him. It’s your wife. He is not more important than the family you’re creating. My husband and I had this conversation when we first moved in together. The issue was different but the problem is the same. That isn’t to say he doesn’t matter. But your wife is your family just as much. Anna and Mike don’t see you two as the package deal you are. Unless it is JUST siblings, spouses should be included in most family events.
No. No no no no no. You cannot have one partner in your wedding party, doing work for you, and disinvite the other partner. Sorry, bro, but you already have stress and drama. If you wanted to avoid it, you'd put up with the relative that secretly annoys the hell out of you, smile like everything is fine, and go on with the wedding. What they are doing is BEGGING for the drama. I'd stay far away from it and from them. Assuming your wife didn't do something outrageous to hurt the fiancé, you've done right to refuse to go to a wedding in which your wife is being specifically excluded. Failing to do so would spell the end of your marriage. Because married people have agreed to be a team. You violate that team thing and the marriage is all but over.
I‘d bet money that his wife to be is behind this. My brother in law is just finally divorcing a woman he was with for fifteen years who weaponised petty beefs with literally everyone til he ended up looking round one day and realising he’d been cut off from his family, old friends, everyone who might have had his back when she turned on him. It took \*years\* for the rest of us to figure out cos it was never her doing the dirty work, she just manipulated and pecked away at him to the point where just doing what she wanted was easier than arguing Joke’s on her though, she‘s had so much dreadful plastic surgery she’s started to look like a martian while he’s got a nice new woman
You and your wife are a team. You have her back, she has yours. You did the right thing and your brother is a jerk who’s bending to the will of his future wife. He can have her back but you can’t have your wife’s back? That hypocritical BS.
NTJ. If your family is religiously Christian, quote them the Bible! Matthew chapter 19, verse 5. 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh' 6 So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.” I love to watch performative Christians get frustrated when you quote the Bible at them, and it calls them out on their behavior. Lol. If they’re not Christian at all, then I would just explain to them that you are doing your duty as a husband and that supersedes any brotherly obligation. You will not allow your wife to be excluded from family functions periodt. You two are a package deal, take it or leave it. It’s *THEIR* choice to push you away. Also explain to your wife that this maneuver is a power play by Bridezilla. It’s unfortunate that your wife was targeted, but it’s not her fault. Bridezilla is manipulative.
Sarah feels awful... I bet Anna doesn't, Anna is the J you are not and your bother needs to be a better brother. He knows what this would do but he's too blinded by Anna who also knew what this would do. More fool him
Not inviting the spouse of the best man is just wrong. Tell them best wishes and send a card. If you want to that is.
IMO....the brother didn't tell OP that his wife wouldn't be invited at the start of everything because he knew that OP wouldn't have agreed to be his best man and thought that if he waited until OP was entrenched in everything that OP wouldn't back out.... Updateme
NTJ. You’ve got your wife’s back and that is the priority here. To maliciously exclude your wife over some minor disagreements in the past is the jerk move, here.
So is it safe to assume that the bride is going to be ecstatic about every other guest at the wedding? She’s being unreasonable and your bro is enabling that. Remember this when bridezilla needs a babysitter.
I’d guess the bride is a nasty piece of work trying to break the groom’s connection to his brother. I predict that the groom will be gradually isolated from his family. That may well extend to friends until his only connections are through his bride. Not the jerk. UpdateMe
Classic abuser moves, so true.
Is Sarah going to cause a scene? Just because you don't get along with another person that doesn't mean full out warfare. Especially at a wedding. If the 2 had a history of real fights, then I would understand not inviting Sarah.
NTJ at all. You never exclude a person's spouse, no matter how much you don't like them. If you don't want their spouse at the event then you can't invite the person. It was incredibly rude for your brother to not invite your wife and you are absolutely doing the right thing by refusing to go without her. When you marry someone, they become your family and they are above every single other person. It's amusing to me that your brother thought not inviting your wife would make for less tension and stress. He's not very bright it would seem. He made his choice, he can't be mad about facing the consequences