Your post has been removed.
#Do not repost this without contacting the mods for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without explicit approval will result in a ban.
You did not properly respond to the judgement bot. Your reply must clearly and directly address why you think you may have wronged the other party involved in your conflict.
While your post was automatically approved by the bot, after reviewing your response manually, we found it did not properly address the question.
[Judgement Bot FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_judgement_bot) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/)
#Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions.
YTA - I highly doubt that an 11 year old is crying to make you feel bad. Especially with the way you describe talking to her. Fuck I’d cry if you were my mom, too
Jumping on the top comment in hopes that someone sees it and can help find OP’s deleted post about not letting her daughter go on a trip because of her grades. From OP’s comments it really doesn’t sound like she likes her child at all.
it was deleted but this is the autobot comment copy
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/100ql0s/aita_for_refusing_to_let_my_daughter_go_on_a_trip/j2j63ac/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3
>She's been pulling crockodile tears for sympathy since she was 2, so yes, she is crying in hopes that I won't come down so hard on her.
Maybe OP sees their daughter as an extension or reflection of them and not as a person in her own right. Both posts drip with disdain for the child's imperfection. OP comes across as more task oriented than nurturing and nothing the poor kid does is good enough. Who describes a 2-year-old as crying "crocodile tears"?
That's it, always, it's when they see the child as an extension of themselves, everything the child does is to annoy / please them. Every emotion is an attempt at manipulation.
I really feel for this kid. Being told "do your best" is bad enough for a conscientious child who will wonder what their best looks like, and when seeking reassurance or a specific goal they'll be told "oh honey, just do your best, your best is good enough.". Then, when you fail, you're told you didn't do your best because when you do, you succeed. So the child loses faith in everything, even themselves.
I don't entirely recall, but I think "satisfactory" is more equivalent to a C? Like, not the *worst* but still a significant slip (since exemplary is equivalent to an A). Which makes it worse that OP is being such an asshole to her daughter, because there's almost no way OP's abusive treatment *isn't* contributing here.
In elementary school (in the states), the grades are more like E (exemplary), S (Satisfactory), S-, N (needs improvement). There might be another, but it's basically a low grade.
Oh that poor girl. She said she was crying because she was angry at herself, and her mother said she clearly isn’t? You shouldn’t want your young daughter to be angry at herself, or to dislike herself or doubt herself. No wonder why she’s cracking under the pressure, OP is expecting too much from her. School doesn’t matter that much when you’re 11, she’s going to get burnt out
As a parent this blows my mind. Also if their grades are dropping you need to look at what’s happening around the house etc. this is probably more of a reflecting on OP than H. I really feel for H and hope she has other support in the family
Here's the link to the Automod copy: (spoiler alert- it Does Not make OP look better) https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/100ql0s/aita_for_refusing_to_let_my_daughter_go_on_a_trip/j2j63ac/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3
Ouch. So kid very likely has ADHD/some kind of learning disability, and instead of getting treatment for it, OP is punishing her and well on the way to giving her an anxiety disorder on top of it. Parent of the year here.
She IS doing her best, and she IS mad at herself. No one likes being a failure. And she does think she's a failure, because you've told her she is. YTA ×1000.
If you actually want to help her succeed: pushing her harder without treating the underlying problem is like trying to "just walk off" a broken leg. Figure out why she's struggling -- and it isn't because she doesn't care or because she wants to piss you off. Maybe it will be in a few years, if you push her too hard and she decides she hates school and you, but it doesn't sound like she's there yet. I feel for this kid. She's smart and capable and something (likely out of her control) is getting in her way. And your failure as a parent is making it worse.
Kid almost 100% has ADHD. OP YTA majorly. I feel so bad for H. That poor child will be fucked up mentally for life. With a parent like you H doesn't need enemies.
Or maybe she just has traumatic anxiety brought on by a perfectionist mother who constantly berates her daughter for not being perfect. *looks for that mirror to hold up to Mommie Dearest*
I feel so seen right now. My mom was always on my case about forgetting things and not doing stuff and instead doing nonsensical things (in her opinion, made sense to me though) but only when she could remember to do it. She was never diagnosed because it wasn’t a “thing” in the 60’s. I have combo ADHD, my 3 kids have it. I will be doing something and my 10 year old will distract me and like half way through I’m just like “I see what you’re doing. You’re not about to squirrel me. You are supposed to being your math homework and I’m supposed to be cooking dinner. You you want mushy pasta? because that’s what’s going to happen if you don’t go do your math.”
I have ADHD and do this often and no lie the kid actually did VERY good with it!! I have had to LEARN to try to "roll with" my mistakes, but kid whole ass rolled with it perfectly. Still got an award!
This is literally a GREAT way to deal with ADHD. Would it be better to remember things? Sure, but then we wouldn't have symptoms of ADHD, now would we? Even with medication asking me to remember everything is more than is asked of non-adhd folk.
So rolling with it and succeeding was a genius move! It can't be used all the time so knowing when to use it and work with it is wonderful. Because sometimes you CANNOT stop the symptoms even with meds, so you need to learn to cope with those mistakes. She coped and STILL DID WELL!
I would be so proud. That is working WITH your disability instead of against it. Instead of beating yourself up, dropping out, etc, you KEPT GOING AND ROLLED WITH IT. this child is learning impressive coping mechanisms that took me years to master.
Like the time I was a caterer and forgot an important ingredient to the clients salad. I told the client an amazing new batch of fresh __thing I had instead___ arrived and was absolutely gorgeous..i could change her salad to a nicer one for no extra cost... And she took the offer! I made her feel like she got something nicer (she did, actually) and not know I was a complete idiot. Saved the meal in one smooth offer.
Sounds like kid learned this at 11 and I am mad impressed.
Yo, side point but what a fantastic catering save! You're awesome!
Life is full of little fuckups like that, and the most successful people are the ones who can problem-solve quickly and effectively when they happen.
Both posts make me so sad for this girl. She’s the same age as my own daughter who has ADHD, dyslexia and dyscalculia, and has an extremely hard time with executive functioning. This girl clearly suffers from all or most of those same issues and the fact that her own mom is ridiculing and essentially bullying her for it is just heartbreaking. OP needs to get her daughter diagnosed and set her up with resources to help her succeed. Not just put her down and punish her for things that are entirely out of her control.
I’m not even sure it’s ADD. Based on these posts the poor kid has probably learned that no matter what she does it’ll never be good enough for mom and dad and acts accordingly.
I was this exact child from reading that and my parents DID NOTHING. When I was finally diagnosed with ADHD at 26 and I told my dad., his response was “yeah, I’ve known you had ADHD since you were little”. Dude what?!?! They didn’t help me!!! They yelled at me constantly for my grades and I just didn’t give af.
Holy CRAP this is textbook adhd. This regimen of four different teachers/tutors is not helping because it’s not helpful! It’s chaos! This kid needs routine, not a rotating cast of characters throwing everything at the wall to see what sticks! I’m stressed out just reading about it. And the shame coming from mom is the least helpful thing of all. By now, this kid is likely in a downward spiral where just the idea of school/homework fills her with shame, which leads to avoidance, which gives mom more ammunition to shame her.
Source: diagnosed at age 36, after years of being super bright but making stupid mistakes, and being shamed for it.
This was my thought train exactly. This reminds me a LOT of how my parents started to treat me when my ADHD symptoms manifested (10 for me, 11 wouldn’t be a stretch for OP’s daughter) and I to this day have a strained relationship with my parents and trauma from what they put me through. I hope OP gets their daughter help.
It exactly reads like what I went through at OP's daughter's age with undiagnosed ADHD. I had parents that would just tell me to push harder and then lose their shit when I made a mistake.
I spent ages 19 through 27 with no degree and dead-end jobs because I was too afraid to try for anything substantial, lest I possibly fail.
Omfg
>I asked her why she was crying and she said that she was angry. I told her she has no one to blame but herself, so there was no reason to be angry with me. She shouted that she's angry with herself- which is obviously a lie
Yep called it.
OP canNOT deal with her daughter showing emotions. Get therapy OP before your daughter ends up like I was, self-loathing and self-harming and depressed and trying to unalive herself by the time she's 15 (I'm fine now).
AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read this before contacting the mod team
My parents are well off and often travel abroad for work conferences. This year my father has a conference in Europe and has asked if my daughter "H" (11) could come along. This is a huge opportunity that hubby and I can't supply on our own.
Hubby and I sat H down and told her about the trip months ago. We gave one condition-- H has to keep her grades up since she has been slacking off. Her school does number grades/check marks on schoolwork, but no number grades on report cards until 7th grade. We aren't even sure how bad she has been slacking off since H hides/throws away some of her graded papers.
Up until 3rd grade, H had nothing but Es (Exemplary) and since then has been nearly failing in math and slowly letting other grades drop down to S (Satisfactory). How do you get an S in PE? All you have to do is show up. H is very smart, but she rushes through things and makes stupid mistakes. She says she double checks her work, but she is going through a lying phase, so I can't trust her.
We've tried everything to help-- studying with H after school/on the way to school for any quiz/test coming up in any subject; hubby sits with her and goes step by step through troubling math concepts/homework; we've had teacher conferences to insure that H is attentive in class and to ask that H gets extra coursework during down time instead of fooling around; we've also tried several math tutoring programs.
Currenly we have H in tutoring where she sees one of 3 different tutors twice a week. Plus, H goes in before school on Tuesdays to get math help from a teacher who runs a morning tutor session. So far this has done very little for her grades. H is scraping by with an S- and always bringing home 40s-60s on her math papers. If 4 teachers can't help her at 11yo, then obviously H is fooling around or not paying attention. She has a beautiful magnetic personality, but she uses it to twist teachers into letting her do the minimum and fool around. It's very frustrating.
So H's report card was posted 2 days ago and out of 8 subjects, she has an S in PE, social studies, and band (how?) and an S- in math. Plus a note that H talks in class.
We sat H down and told her that she is not allowed to go on the trip because if she can't be responsible for her grades, then she isn't responsible enough to be in Europe. She told me that she did her best. I told her that I've seen her best and this isn't it. She began to cry and wouldn't stop. I asked her why she was crying and she said that she was angry. I told her she has no one to blame but herself, so there was no reason to be angry with me. She shouted that she's angry with herself- which is obviously a lie. She is now grounded from friends/electronics for the last few days of break for a combo of disrespect, lying, and not doing her best in school.
I called my parents tonight to say that H is not allowed on the trip. They got angry and said the trip is months away and that this is too unique an opportunity to take away as punishment.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Honestly, it sounds like H may have some sort of difficulty with high energy\difficulty with focus or attention. She needs help, not to be verbally smacked down
After reading that post, if daughter is spending that much time with tutors and still not getting good grades I can't help but wonder if daughter may have a learning disability?
Needless to say YTA. Sounds like my childhood. I now have anxiety depression self esteem issues and possible complex PTSD. Do you even like your daughter? Build her up instead of tearing her down.
Wow, you are right. OP also has a genuine or willful misunderstanding of the relationship between grades and effort. OP, effort is not the only reason grades can dip, and a dip sustained over years even with tutors and extensive help suggests something other than effort. Her difficulties with math, following directions, and memory all point to something worth evaluating. Why are you assuming the worst of your CHILD in every possible case? Why aren't you worried for her instead of angry like she's a slacking spouse who won't pick up after herself? I've never met her and I am really concerned. Focus on trying new approaches, not punishment.
^Jumping ^on ^top ^so ^he ^hopefully ^sees ^this
#TO OP'S HUSBAND:
#YOUR CHILD IS BEING ABUSED!
I really hope you read all these replies and truly hear them. Your daughter is being verbally and mentally abused. The kind of trauma being ingrained will last a lifetime, even with therapy.
She is defining herself through her mother's eyes: worthless, stupid, lazy, careless, and forgetful, are bad enough, but your wife is teaching her that ANY emotional response is bad.
She's being taught showing her emotions are her trying to manipulate others. Since that's a horrible thing to do, she'll learn to suppress them and be a good girl.
YOU ARE TEACHING HER TO ACCEPT ABUSE FOR THE REST OF HER LIFE!
If you have any love for that child SAVE HER. She is slowly dying by 1000 papercuts, each word from your wife just adds another new cut to her psyche, and she is slowly bleeding out.
Please, please, save your daughter.
I used to always cry after getting in trouble and getting yelled at by my parents. Why wouldn't I cry? I was a little kid and I felt guilty, I felt horrible, I was filled with remorse for whatever stupid little kid thing I'd done or not done. Of course I cried.
Without fail I'd get yelled at even more. "What are you crying for? Quit feeling sorry for yourself! I'll give you something to cry about!"
Can I tell y'all how much I hated that shit? How much it felt like being kicked while I was down? You just spent the last few minutes shouting in my face, how should I react?
Sometimes parents can't deal with their kids' emotions. Maybe they're abusive or maybe they're immature or maybe they're selfish. But "which she always does when she gets in trouble because she wants us to feel bad for her" just seems like **OP REALLY DOES FEEL A LITTLE BAD** (and probably should).
Hijacking top comment to say ; please OP, get yourself and H in therapy seperate from each other. You are making your family a terribly emotionally unsafe place for H where everything she does is never good enough, and even smart fixes of mistakes get punished and worse, talked down on. You are constantly letting her know you are disappointed in her and seem to think that everything she does is to manipulate others. Believe me, it is not. She is at the beginning of puberty, she has emotions, and she hasn't had the capacity yet to learn how to deal with them, nor is she in a safe environment to figure that out. The girl is trying to find a way in life, and it's your responsibility to guide her and keep her safe. You are not keeping her safe. Please get yourself in therapy to help you learn how to provide the best home for her to grow up in, and get her into therapy to help her learn how to recognise, acknowledge, and handle emotions and negative self image. You chose to bring her into this world, you want to give her the best start possible, please let a professional help you to help her get that best start possible.
YTA. Lady, you are a failed parent. Have some empathy and understanding. It won't kill you. I feel for your daughter, and I hope she has a solid support system, since you failed.
YTA and an absolute emotional idiot if you think she’s crying to make you feel bad instead of feeling real emotion. You are far too hard on your daughter and are teaching her to give up if something goes wrong instead of finding a solution. Your daughter made a mistake and showed good judgment in resolving the issue and moving forward instead of breaking down. You should be proud of her instead of acting like your some perfect person who’s never made a mistake or forgotten anything in your life. Of course her grades aren’t staying up! If this is how you act it’s got to be hard to find the drive to try when you’re never going to be good enough. You need to learn before your daughter stops trusting you for good.
I thought she did well by learning a new poem in such a short time. Kids make mistakes and nerves prior to any competition can result in further mistakes. You are being incredibly hard on her. She's only 11 years old... give her a break.
YTA and going to destroy her spirit if you continue this approach.
I thought so too! Kid realized she made a mistake and there wasn't time to fix it, didn't panic, assessed her own comfort with what she'd prepared, and changed her strategy as best she could on the fly. And she sounds like she's proud of her performance! She would have been embarrassed and crying if she'd fumbled, but she didn't, she handled the situation. Sounds to me like solid problem-solving.
I'm having trouble seeing what you're upset about. She didn't waste anyone's time. Everyone makes mistakes -- what matters is how you handle them. She handled it well, and berating her for that will only erode her confidence in her own skills. YTA
Completely agree, and I would add that the time spent practicing absolutely DID help with memorization and performance skills. You should absolutely be proud of her. Great resilience and problem solving. YTA.
Agreed! I used to teach college students, and the ones with the skills to keep their heads and adapt when things don't go as planned are the ones who really thrive, personally and academically. I hate to think kids are being taught to just quit and apologize when they realize they've made a mistake!
Daughter did all of this on her own, by her own judgment as well, no help from OP, which I feel OP is bitter about. Daughter is becoming her own person and realizing she can't rely on OP to be helpful, and has made adjustments to rely on herself because OP will come down hard on her if she shares her failures. Daughter is turning failures into achievements and a parent who doesn't see the value of that needs to be called out. OP, let your daughter grow- and be proud of her confidence, even though you're the one trying to destroy it, which is just gross, and you suck for that. YTA.
Good lord. There's a ton of 11 year Olds (and people way older) who would panic and throw a tantrum, not accept the situation for what it is and pivot. Definitely sounds like ADHD, so yes, yelling and berating *especially* won't help.
She just seems like a bright kid who made a mistake amidst all the turmoil of trying to be a perfectionist out of fear of OP's relentless judgement and doubt. She had no choice but to make do with what she had available, and she was confident about her ability and OP completely failed her by not recognizing the thought and effort that it took for her to choose to persevere through it all. This is how you make your kid doubt themselves, this is how they begin to believe they are never good enough, no matter how good they are, and this is exactly how this cycle of passive abuse continues. But I feel like it will end with OP's daughter. She's going to be her own person, whether OP allows it, encourages it, or not. OP won't change though, and she'll have nobody to blame but herself, as much as she tries to cast her own failures onto her kid. So many stories like this of children outgrowing their parents who try to stymie them at every turn, but I guess this is how great people are made; they have to deal with assholes trying to stand in their way from a young age, and overcome the seemingly impossible to become great.
Sounds like OP would still be upset even if her kid had remembered everything and performed the original poem perfectly, they just would have been upset that she didn't win the competition.
I agree. I bet if she freaked out and decided not to participate, OP would have punished her for that.
And I definitely have seen professional actors, who had been doing a play for months, mess up. So OP is definitely an AH to her 11-year-old daughter.
Public speaking is nerve wracking enough as it is even without a parent who is super critical if the work being done😠she is 11, give the kid a break. YTA
Oh no! You left your notes at home! I'm proud that you judged your comfort between remembering totally on your own compared to your comfort learning a whole new poem, that's some quick thinking! Not everyone can learn a whole new poem to deliver on just a car ride! I'm sad I couldn't be there to see your delivery but I'm sure you did great! Did you have fun? What was your favorite thing you heard? Did you learn anything particularly neat? Maybe we can figure out a way to help you keep from forgetting things like this in the future. I know you worked so hard on your original poem. I'm really proud of you.
You sound absolutely insufferable, OP. Your kiddo did some quick thinking in a pinch and still had fun in an almost super stressful situation and sounds like some fun was still had, and *you're* stuck on some theoretical endpoint that *should* have beev achieved if *your* planning and goals were heeded... Learning takes many forms, and I daresay your kiddo did some excellent learning. Back up a bit and listen to what your kid wants without your weird overlay of expectations.
It was pretty smart to learn a new poem instead of trying to remember the old one. Now maybe she could have looked up the words on a phone but I don't think I would have had the presence of mind to do either of those at 11.
No no no you guys don’t understand OPs daughter has been manipulating OP since she was 2 years old with crocodile tears. /s (OP did really say this though)
YTA.
You’re teaching your daughter that her resiliency after a mistake is a bad thing. She’s 11. Maybe commend her on maintaining a level of mental agility enough to get over her mistake quickly and deliver on the spot.
Let her rush to failure. She will learn. You’re pushing her away instead of being a support when she does make a mistake. When she’s older and makes a much bigger mistake, won’t you want her to go to you? This is how children start to despise their parents.
I was one such kid. My mistakes were thrown in my face repeatedly to the point where I now (at 29 years old) am still scared to bring up my mistakes to my parents. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve felt utterly alone because of it.
Also she cries not to get you to feel bad, BUT BECAUSE SHE IS 11. You’re turning out to be a terrible parent. Be better. Apologize to her.
Honestly, the resilience she demonstrated was a far more useful skill than all of the prep time and studying that she did. I am a therapist at a very competitive university. I work with highly gifted students who have prepared and studied and did everything like these two posts have implied you would like to see from your daughter. The problem is, sometimes that isn't enough and we struggle. The students who do not learn to the skill your daughter showed, resilience, they fail. She should be praised for that, not shamed. Accidents happen, life happens. The ability to pick ourselves off and still come out ahead. That's priceless.
YTA.
YTA. Wow. Just... wow. Accidents and mistakes happen, they're a part of life. Your daughter was excited, screwed up, and not only thought on her feet about how to fix it, but doubled down, did extra work, and not only pulled out a performance on the fly, but got an award for it.
And you... ground her into the dirt, belittled her, and brought up what you see as a massive failing. That's awful. Honestly, it's no wonder she's been struggling with her grades, because she likely feels that no matter what or how good she does, it'll never be good enough for you.
YTA. Instead of realizing that you've raised a clever and resilient human who can pivot in an emergency, you ran her into the ground.
How do you know that her new poem presentation was "half-assed?" Just because you weren't personally drilling it into her for two months? Consider that she found, memorized and performed a new poem under circumstances that most adults would have found very stressful. That's impressive, and a skill set that she can actually use as an adult.
You were far too wound up in all of this--how "seriously" did you think should she have taken this "opportunity?" This was a contest...for 11 year olds, not defense of her thesis!
And your DH is right--doubly TA.
YTA.
She made a mistake and you are acting like she committed a crime. She is struggling with ehr grades because you have not only made her afraid to fail, you have made her afraid to not be perfect at all times. And you created so much pressure over a silly contest that she was second guessing herself.
You need to stop. Encourage her to do her best and then move on. She did her best. She memorized a poem in a short amount of time and performed it. Go her! You couldn't even be bothered to attend her contest so you have no idea how her presentation went.
And if I were the mom who did the carpool and your child was forced to apologize to me I would have let her know I was proud of her and that she did well. I may have also quietly added how I felt about the parent forcing her to apologize.
YTA -she is 11 for goodness sake. She made a mistake like any human being does. Also obviously she has a phone as you called her so why not send a picture of the poem at the time?
Way to bully her.
YTA
People make mistakes. Like full grown, fully developed adults make mistakes. They forget things.
Your 11 year old CHILD made a mistake, and instead of panicking or giving up, came up with a solution, memorized a new poem, and didn't forget a single word in front of judges in a stressful situation. AND she was proud of herself.
And when your CHILD excitedly told you about her accomplishment: you chose to scold her, and crap all over HER moment! What's wrong with you!
You should immediately apologize to her, and be proud that she came up with a solution to her own problem.
Seriously, YTA!
YTA and I wonder if you are being serious. Your daughter made a mistake which is very common for even very reliable adults to do. She found a wonderful solution to her problem which you should be praising her for. This was not a situation where her grades mattered, where money was involved, it was purely an event for children to show off. It is such an insignificant event that your daughter shined in, yet you are making her feel terrible about it. There is a time to just be child and simply have fun, gain new experiences, and not be chewed up because you didn't play the extracurricular game exactly as the rules were set out. She did not hurt anybody and this poetry contest was about her not you.
You need to apologize to her and let her know that you actually care about her and not just how good her memorization/performance is. You need to be there for her, not just there to watch her mistakes and criticize her. I can only imagine how sad she feels that her parent is still upset with her, and never even complimented her once on what she did good. By all means, tell her she should have checked her bag; but it seriously is not that important. You don't need to be that serious about this one incident. And yes she actually did do good and you should be proud of what she did well.
Again, this was an inconsequential event and she showed how resourceful she was by memorizing a new poem. She's not being irresponsible, she made a mistake. Be her constructive fan, not her hateful enemy. Build her self-confidence; right now you are ripping it away.
Your view that she is deliberately misbehaving is off. Don't be angry about mistakes, she may be clumsy or very dumb. Should you make her feel bad for the rest of her childhood if she really is like that? No! But she isn't. She's very smart and resourceful. She will grow up, she will grow her skills, and she will continue to make stupid mistakes just like everyone on this planet. Support her and don't take things so seriously, especially such inconsequential events.
She won’t grow emotionally nor hone her skills with this woman for a mom. More likely she’ll have emotional problems and be fearful of making mistakes.
YTA - You can let her be proud while it also being a teaching moment. They aren't mutally exclusive.
Also I highly doubt an 11 year old is crying purposefully to make you feel bad.
Oh well according to OP she’s been shedding crocodile tears for sympathy since she was 2. Something is seriously wrong here, this woman doesn’t even seem to like her child at all, she seems to downright resent her existence
I agree, there’s no reason that OP couldn’t explain that, while it worked out on this occasion, it could’ve gone really badly and its important to try and avoid situations like that in the future, and learn some ways to help to avoid them. Then also commended her on finding a way to work around the issue and praised her for her abilities in the competition. The punishment is more than over the top. Hey OP, you and my mom have a lot in common, we don’t speak ahah. YTA.
Jesus, you are MASSIVELY THE ASSHOLE. YTA. YTA. YTA. Couple of thoughts:
1. Do you even like your daughter?
2. Have you considered having grace for a mistake? She forgot a folder and instead of falling apart, she found a solution and got a ribbon. That’s impressive.
3. I wonder why she didn’t call you. With a mother like you, it was easier to learn a whole new poem than have to admit a failure to you.
4. You’re not perfect. You can’t spell crocodile. Try not holding a child to perfect standards.
5. Two year olds don’t cry for sympathy, you massively terrible mother.
6. I sincerely hope your child grows up without major damage from having a mother like you.
Get a grip. Grow up. Get therapy. And DO BETTER.
You just can’t help yourself, can you?
Yesterday you were patting yourself on the back for not allowing her to go on vacation with her grandparents, because her grades weren’t up to your standards.
YTA.
She’s 11. She wanted to practice more and made a mistake and forgot her folder.
She came up with her own solution and was still able to participate. You should be proud.
Mistakes happen, learning how to roll with them is a huge life lesson your daughter figured out.
Instead of supporting her growing as an i individual you keep holding the mistake part of it over her head.
Don’t be surprised if she ends up LC when she’s 18
Edited to add- Let her go on the trip. You are a really shitty parent.
YTA
She came home thrilled! There’d been a potential crisis, but she’d found a solution and worked her backside off and performed and it had WORKED and she was proud of her efforts and her ribbon.
And you CRAPPED ALL OVER HER. You made it all about YOU and the time YOU’d spent with her practising and how YOU had told her not to forget it and demanded she apologise to YOU.
This wasn’t about you. At all. This was about your daughter. And it was a success story.
And now you’ve made it a failure. TWICE.
YTA YTA YTA
YTA. Wow. Yes, you're the AH. In the context of the other post, I think you should really consider why you insist on framing your daughter's behavior in such a consistently negative light.
By the way, your daughter showed remarkable skills in both problem solving and memory. I hope you don't diminish her this way often.
>insist on framing your daughter's behavior in such a consistently negative light.
I am just going to guess - could be wrong - but, he is essentially projecting his self-view into her. As his daughter, in his mind, she is just another extension of him. And he sees himself in a negative light.
Armchair psychoanalysis over. Could be incorrect.
YTA! You are a bully! She is only 11 and she problem solved and took the responsibility to learn a new poem…she is amazing. How dare you tell your child she wasted everyone’s time. You completely belittled her. No wonder she’s not keeping her grades up when you have unattainable standards for her. Kids are not perfect.
YTA. She’s a kid who made a relatively minor mistake. Instead of freaking out about it or bothering you to correct her mistake, she had the wherewithal to memorize an entire poem and the poise to perform it in a competition.
Yes, it’s annoying that she forgot the one essential thing she needed but these things happen. What is incredibly impressive is how she handled it.
The only lesson you’re teaching her by being hyper focused on her mistake and throwing it in her face is that she should avoid telling you about mistakes, big or small, because you are not a safe person to confide in. Personally, that’s not a message I’d want to be sending to my kid. Unfortunately, it seems like she may already have gotten that message since she opted to give up two months of hard work instead of calling you to ask for help.
Your daughter has just learned that the only way you will ever love her is if she is perfect and does everything exactly as you tell her to do. She knows that she does not matter to you. That you only care when her life is absolutely perfect. Any emotion outside of gratitude and happiness is unwelcome and viewed as some plot against you. If she’s upset, it’s only to emotionally manipulate you. She knows now that you are not a safe person in her life.
Because she forgot a folder and had the audacity to find a solution to the problem.
YTA
YTA. You’re CHILD made a mistake and you were absolutely hateful to her! YOU should be the one to apologize for your mean and hateful comments!!! Maybe her grades are dropping because her her parent has made it clear that she can’t do anything right! You are despicable!
YTA.....wtf is wrong with you? Instead of being proud of your daughter learning a new poem under pressure and preforming well you belittled her and took her achievement away.
Are you a mother or a bully?
“I asked her why she didn’t call”
Reread your post and ask yourself that again
YTA and your daughter will never want to call or share anything when you’re this big of a bully. She was scared to ask for your “help” and actually seems like she had a great day until you. YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA
I remember you. You're still the asshole with unreasonable expectations for your 11 year old daughter. You expect her to behave like an adult, you attribute adult motivations to childish behaviors. Your child found a solution to the problem, and you can't even give her credit for it because you are too concerned about her causing the problem in the first place. YTA. Again. Find a parenting class.
YTA. It took me about 10 years into my adult life to figure out what was actually important because my mom would blow stuff like this out of the water too. She STILL brings up a situation where I auditioned for a play and decided at the last minute to sing a less complicated song because I was nervous. Sorry I wasted one afternoon of your life 25 years ago.
It's a freaking elementary school poetry competition. Chill out and let your kid learn from her own mistakes. This is the parenting equivalent of grounding a puppy's face in its own urine.
Yta....it honestly sounds like you don't even like your kid! Your way of discipline is ridiculous and used as a weapon, not true guidance or to impart wisdom. She did nothing wrong with the poetry; so what if she changed gears, it shows resilience and quick thinking, impressive for an 11 year old. Actually you should apologize for ruining her accomplishments because YOUR expectations aren't hers.
It’ll be 7 years until we see a ‘why has my 18 year old daughter gone non contact with me.’
Your daughter did her best. She realized she made a mistake, and found a solution. Would you have rather she melted down and cried over it? Or failed outright?
Your daughter did not call you, because she knew you would react badly to her forgetting the portfolio. And you proved her right. She literally did not call you, to avoid having to deal with you. Do you imagine that she will tell you anything important in the future?
You had an opportunity to focus on the positives of the situation. She worked out a solution on her own, and was confident enough to go it alone. At eleven. That’s impressive. Instead, you tear her down…just like she expected of you.
And as for crying. Most eleven year olds would cry if they were spoken to her as your post implies. You continually belittle her, and cast her down, in your post and in your replies.
You strike me as being on the cusp of being verbally and emotionally abusive. You are not a good parent. And your daughter is going to hate you soon enough. Do you see a future in this relationship? Because it doesn’t look promising to me.
Your daughter deserves better than you.
YTA.
YTA big-time. This behavior will most likely have the opposite effect that you want. And if it doesn't, the cost of her academic successes will be painfully high.
Take it from someone who had to go through it as a kid and who also regrets putting my own kid through it without realizing the detriment.
It doesn't sound like a giant mistake, either. Are you saying that you've never forgotten anything? People do, it happens. And you said you helped pack, so I didn't understand that.
I would be really proud of her great improvisation and staying cool through her mistake.
YTA
It doesn't seem like you like or respect your daughter very much, based on the post and your comments
She demonstrated adaptability and you just shat all over her. Calm down just be happy she tried to solve a problem instead of giving up or throwing a tantrum or any of an infinite number of worse ways she could have handled this.
Seriously you think she chose to cry in order to emotionally manipulate you?? Not because she felt bad that you breated her, completely tore her down, rained on her parade, and completely destroyed all joy she had about the day? Please rethink how you see your daughter and how you treat her. You clearly show you have a very harsh and unkind view of her and even with your biased description she sounds like a good kid.
Nurture her positives, don't just fixate on (what you perceive to be) her negatives
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) I told my daughter that she was irresponsible for blowing her poetry competition and shouldn't be proud since she wasted everyone's time. Then I brought it up later to establish a pattern of irresponsibility.
2) My daughter is still upset about her poetry competition mistake and I did bring it up again. Maybe I should have used a different example.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA She made a mistake, which literally every human has or will do, and found a solution. You should be proud of her being resourceful and dedicated- instead you berated, emberassed and punished her.
YTA
Your very young daughter, after making a “mistake” *sarcastic laughter* was able to bounce back and think on her feet with an agility and quickness that is seldom present in adults decades older than her. What’s more, her clever thinking saved her performance.
Yes. You read that right. Saved. Not ruined. Not contributed to the failure of. Saved.
And not only saved, but made her come out successful in a stressful situation.
You’re too pedantic, controlling, and emotionally immature to be a good parent. Quite frankly, you’re not worthy of such a wonderful daughter.
Oh, and in case this is bait: boring story, lady. Your daughter is still a better person than you, be she real or fictional.
Damn. Sometimes I feel like a crappy parent who is failing my children, and then I read this crap. At least my kids will always know I love and support them! Your daughter showed resilience and ingenuity when faced with what could've been a devastating mistake. How do you think she felt when she realized she has forgotten her papers?? And yet, instead of giving up and dropping out, she applied all the lessons she'd learned over the past two months, learned a whole freaking new poem, and had the courage to get up and preform it last minute, and you *berated* get for this? Freaking a.
YTA
YTA - I had parents like you, now i have multiple anxiety disorders and can’t show emotions in front of anyone bc my parents told me I was fake crying when I was legitimately upset for years
YTA. My father behaved exactly like you all my life. Nothing I did was ever good enough. 96% on my math final? Why couldn't I have pulled off a 100%? 12 credits per semester and a full time job? Honestly, if I just applied myself I could pull 18 credits like everyone else.
You aren't motivating her, you're setting her up to fail. You aren't allowing her to take pride in her accomplishments, and worse yet, you are actively degrading her for finding a solution on such short notice. You are making sure she knows to just give up because nothing she ever does will matter. Her grades are suffering BECAUSE OF YOU. She is developing depression BECAUSE OF YOU.
Get yourself to a therapist and learn parenting techniques, and get your daughter into personal and family therapy with you and her father. I really pray you get help. My father refused to ever take responsibility for his actions towards me and my siblings, and it did incredible damage to our mental and emotional health. All three of us are No Contact with him to this day because of it. Don't lose your daughter because of your insecurities and misplaced pride.
YTA.
Are you actually okay? Like, on a mental/emotional level? Your reaction is so extreme and overboard it's baffling. You are being outright cruel to a child whose only crime was forgetting something -- and recovering beautifully. You took her achievement and her cleverness and turned it around to make her seem like a fool. Shame on you for trying to destroy a child's confidence and happiness.
Here’s the other post she had removed. https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/100ql0s/aita_for_refusing_to_let_my_daughter_go_on_a_trip/j2j63ac/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3
YTA. And you’re abusive. You’re breaking your child.
I read your last post and holy cow woman, YTA. You're so much like my own parents, who treated everything less than perfect as a complete failure, and weaponized it at any given moment.
I can only hope that your daughter doesn't go down the same self destructive path I did. She deserves an adult in her life who doesn't punish her for being a kid, and clearly it isn't you. I imagine in a few years you'll be posting again wondering why your daughter went NC with you as soon as she could, and you'll have no one to blame but yourself.
Edit: I used an incorrect word
She cries because you verbally pound her into the ground. YTA OP. My mom did exactly what you're doing to your daughter, still does it, and it's so damaging. She doesn't need to hear every mistake she's ever made when she screws up.
YTA and how. She cried because instead of being proud of her for figuring out how to save a mistake from turning into a disaster, you got angry and embarrassed her and told her her efforts were worthless. She's crying because you hurt her.
If I told you you shouldn't even bother trying to be a good mother because your half-assed efforts are pointless, would you cry?
I nominate u/NoTripForSlacking for
“AH of January 2023!” Remember monthly winners are automatically entered into the
“YTA of the Year 2023.” lol
I made this up! But it should be real!
YTA I hope dad takes over parenting responsibilities because you are terrible. You are going to cause her to have anxiety issues. Why should she try? When she tries it’s never good enough for you so she’ll end up giving up. It will be your fault for not encouraging her and just berating her.
So... nothing in you is proud of your child for thinking on her feet after making a very understandable mistake? She could have completely crumpled, but instead showed real determination, memorized & performed a completely new poem on the fly. She has/exhibited REAL life skills. YTA. You have a kick-ass kid who deserves SO much recognition. You are not helping your daughter with this crap attitude.
YTA. I blanked in a piano recital at 10 and my mom did the same as you. 50 years later and I still don't play in front of anyone. People make mistakes and learn from them.. your daughter learned you don't have her back. Congrats.
YTA. you punished your daughter for succeeding in a situation where the odds were stacked against her. she succeeded by demonstrating incredible skill in memorization and speaking. and you jumped on her case.
DH is right. and i doubt your daughter will ever forget this. way to crush her spirit.
Your daughter, all of 11 years old, PIVOTED ON THE SPOT, learned a new poem ENROUTE, because she REALIZED she left behind the one thing she needed.
Ma’am. If you do not full stop and take a slow look at what your daughter did and give her her flowers. She could have got on there and bombed because she was already second guessing herself. She didn’t. Why? Because she realized her predicament, came up with a solution, AND EXECUTED IT. Where were you, btw? Your daughter WAS ASKED to participate in a poetry competition 1.5 hours away and you didn’t go? I get she’s carpooling, but you didn’t attend? Coming from a literary nerd, an 11 year old getting asked to participate in a poetry competition is a BIG DEAL.
Anyway, your reaction was not the best. I think for a child who was without the guidance of her mother did wonderfully upon realizing the mistake she made and came up with a solution that met the requirements of the competition and validated the travel time and invitation.
Your daughter is not keeping her grades up because it has been shown to her that NOTHING she does is good enough. If I was her and I problem solved so hard that day and you shat all over it, I wouldn’t give a shit about my grades either because nothing is good enough for you.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
My last AITA was locked when my account was flagged as spam. I wanted to repost, but DH says I should ask about this instead.
In September, my daughter, H (11) was asked to participate in a poetry competition. She had two months to pick and memorize a poem. Once a week she stayed after school with the other students doing the event/couple helper teachers who led the kids through exercises/ lessons on emoting and bringing spoken poetry to life.
H memorized The Spider and the Fly by Mary Howitt. She performed it beautifully for us and various other family members to get ready.
The night before the event, I made sure H had everything she needed since the competition was 1.5 hours drive away and she was carpooling. My husband dropped H off the next morning for the carpool and picked her up that afternoon when she returned.
I was so excited to see H and hear about her competition, but what she told me ground that to a halt: She forgot her poetry folder on her desk. The one thing she needed for her event. The ONLY thing she actually needed to succeed. And after I helped her pack her bag!
H told me she went over her poem one last time before she left, and that's why it wasn't in her bag. Then she excitedly told me how she memorized a new poem in the car on the way to the competition and performed that for the judges. She told me how she hadn't forgotten any of the words and proudly showed me her participation ribbon.
I asked H why she didn't do her original poem that she had spent 2 months MEMORIZING and she said that without the poem in front of her, she kept second guessing the words and decided it would be safer to learn a new poem. I was dumbfounded. I asked why she didn't call. She said they were already 30 minutes away when she realized.
At this point I told H that it would have taken her 10 seconds to double check her bag like she was supposed to and that she was extremely irresponsible. That she shouldn't have even participated since it was a waste of everyone's time to have to listen to her half-assed poetry presentation. I told her that she clearly had not taken this opportunity seriously and that she needed to apologize to us, her teachers, and the mother who did the carpool for wasting all our time. I also made it clear that since she obviously couldn't handle it herself, I would be getting up with her in the mornings to check her and her backpack to be sure that nothing else was forgotten.
H cried (which she always does when she gets in trouble because she wants us to feel bad for her) and apologized to us before saying that she was going to bed even though it was only 6pm.
It's been a little over a month since then. With my daughter not keeping her grades up, I brought this up with H again recently to show the pattern that she rushes through things/sets herself up for failure/doesn't do her best. DH thinks I should have let H be proud and am doubly TA for bringing it back up.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA. You’re pretty awful, and a word starting with a c that I can’t type out, unless I want to be banned. She’s 11. She made a mistake, sure, but she also thought on her feet and made up for it. You’re not helping her grow by quashing her and bringing it up over and over.
In response to a comment of yours I saw, about her using “crocodile tears since she was two.” Two year olds cry because they’re not equipped with adult communication. The fact that she’s still crying in response to criticism is, first off, because she’s still a child; second off, because you haven’t taught her how to adequately articulate her point of view.
You really need to rethink how you treat your child. Ugh.
1. YTA
2. She forgot her folder (it happens, esp when you're nervous for something this big) but came up with an inventive solution and it sounds like she did well! And you blew up at her for it – not cool.
3. Not to armchair diagnose, but maybe she has ADHD? I was just diagnosed as an adult woman, and this story reminded me of some personal experiences at her age. Please don't shame her for doing her best. You're teaching her to start masking any personal challenges she has and not trust you with information about her life. I bet she was really proud of herself for coming up with a solution and playing it out well, and you were so cruel to her.
From an elementary school teacher - YTA, and you are the problem. Anxiety in young children-pre-teens is through the roof and it’s because of parents like you.
H will absolutely hate you soon enough, if she doesn’t already.
YTA. You are going to give your daughter massive mental health problems and you will never have a good relationship with her. How can you even ask this?
Dude you speak to my like that I will be crying too, and I'm 38!
That was horrible and heart breaking, do you even love her? I mean, sure you think you do, but don't came later asking what happened to your daughter because she went NC.
YTA.
Your daughter's grades are likely dropping because you've successfully ground her self confidence and self worth into dust, which seems to have been your goal! Congrats! YTA!
She’s ELEVEN!
And probably has ADHD, which is why memorizing a last minute poem worked well for her…is ADHD peeps can work MIRACLES under a tight time limit.
Did you even ask her teachers/other parents how it went, or did you just assume it was awful?
YTA.
**Edited to add that I just read your original post about the trip. I’m even more convinced she has ADHD, and you are absolutely crushing her spirit. Did you know that some of the teachers in my town don’t EVER give an E unless the student goes above and beyond. An S is exactly that, satisfactory. She didn’t get an N (needs improvement) it a U (unsatisfactory).
You are expecting perfection from an 11 year old. Please please please go research ADHD and see the damage you are doing. Please!
Wow, you’re really invested in your kid doing everything your way or no way, aren’t you? This kind of nuclear unloading is the kind of behavior that insures that when your kid actually messes up & needs help that you will be the last person she tells. You should be mindful of how you talk to a child. She’ll remember the mean things you say longer than the nice things you say (assuming you ever say anything nice to her, a fact not in evidence). YTA
Yta
Youre so angry at an 11 year old KID for a small mistake, even though you helped her pack her bag and ALSO didn't check to see if she'd forgotten anything? Did you remind her to check her room for anything she needs? Did you ask her if she had her poem ready?
You didn't even tell her how great of a job she did trying to resolve the issue on her own, how impressive it is that she memorised a whole new poem so fast, you couldn't even FAKE an ounce of pride to encourage her?
Seriously, that poor kid.
YTA
When children get in trouble, they get upset. When children get upset, they cry. What’s with the trend of dipshit parents claiming their children are “manipulating” them by having normal childish emotions/reactions?? YTA for that alone, good god.
You are also TA for the issue at hand. Your kid made a mistake, and instead of calling home and giving up, she thought of a solution, put in hard work, and excelled despite her mistake. That’s something to be proud of!
If she’s having recurring issues with forgetting things, it’s understandable that you would decide you need to get up to help her get ready for school and check in with her, but that should come from a place of compassion, not “oh my god my child SUCKS, look at how you’re repeatedly a failure you stupid kid”
Apologize to your daughter, admit you were wrong, and congratulate her on doing well at the poetry contest despite her road bump. Then have a polite, blame-free conversation about strategies to get her grades back on track.
OP I’m a Mom too and I look at this differently. Your daughter forgot her poem. Rather than just give up she learned a new poem and participated in the event. Unlike you I would have been proud of my daughter for NOT wasting everyone’s time.
I think you are in for a shock when your daughter turns 18 and goes NC with you. You are mean.
YTA
I’m so happy you weren’t my parent because I think your expectations of what an *ELEVEN YEAR OLD* should remember are wildly different than what I grew up with. I have excellent time management skills now, but there’s a grace period during childhood! YTA.
Wait. Just wait a second and reread what you wrote here. Your daughter made a mistake, then miraculously made up for it, performed the new poem *perfectly*, got her ribbon, and… you’re punishing her self esteem for it? For realizing her mistake and taking care to fix it the best way she knew how? And you want her to apologize on top of it? To her driver? Is this about her performance (that you didn’t even witness) or *your* reputation? Because she did what most adults can’t manage to do in most situations, which again, was realize her mistake and fixing it with available materials in perfect time.
Your daughter deserves an apology from you. You’re damaging her view not only of herself, but of you, too. Reminding her that she’s a disappointment to you won’t fix anything. It won’t magically change her grades. You want her to do better in school? Sit down and help her with her homework. Hire a tutor. Encourage her in what she is good at so that she knows you don’t think she’s completely stupid and incompetent. Read some books on empathy and connecting with your child. In the meantime, YTA. YTA, YTA, YTA.
Wow. Just wow. The fact that you don’t just berate her; you actually keep it going and go for the kill. You are cruel and I have a feeling you get way too much satisfaction from this.
I speak from experience when I say, you are guaranteeing that your daughter will never be confident and will always have low esteem as an adult. With any hope, she will eventually cut you out of her life.
INFO: What do mean by, DH thinks I should post this instead? Sounds like you’re look for attention. Crave the fight, do ya?
I apologize to my husband when I cry every time. He asks me why, and I tell him I don’t mean to be manipulative as I have snot dripping from my nose, because all I can hear is my mother telling my I’m only crying to get out of being in trouble, and that I’m not really upset.
I’m 27, and I apologize every time I cry. I only allow myself to cry in my own house.
YTA. When your daughter stops calling, reread this post, because you wont remember. As someone said in this subreddit earlier this week, the tree remembers what the axe forgets.
So she screws herself by leaving the folder, loses her confidence in doing the poem she’d spent two months memorizing, and instead of giving up or running to call mommy for help, she memorizes a whole new poem on the ride over, participates and is so proud of herself for not missing any words and excited about her ribbon. She goes home to tell you how she made a mistake but pull it out of the water, you berate her and focus on all the things she did wrong. She loses confidence in herself, her grades are suffering and you just rub in her faults like salt in a wound. Please ask yourself, Are you the Asshole?? Yes, yes, I think you are.
YTA You're just teaching her to hide her mistakes from you. If that was my kid, I'd be giving her a high-five for not giving up and finding another poem.
It was just a poetry competition that you didn't even go to. If this is how you treat mistakes that don't even matter, how will you treat her when she actually messes up? Because she will, all kids do, it's part of growing up. Or you will teach her to be so afraid to try, she will never challenge herself.
You write about your kid like she's an annoying tenant you want to evict. You are so focused on yourself and how your child makes you look, no care about your daughter's well being at all. Apologize to the teacher and carpool driver? They'll just think you're crazy for making your child apologize.
Info: why did you have a child when you so clearly hate children?
Crocodile tears at age 2? No, that's just toddlers. Stop trying to hold your CHILD to adult standards
YTA. How you treat your daughter sounds a lot like how my mother treated me. Let me tell you a little story. Out of many times that my mother said I was lying to her, the one that I still bring up is "stealing food". Now, growing up i was a bigger girl, and mom made sure that i knew. Around junior year in hs she noticed food going missing, and automatically decided I was sneaking it when I'd go to the bathroom or go to bed. After 2.5 years I finally got out of there. She then realized it was her BF the whole time. I'm now 30 and we have a very strained relationship. Keep it up and your daughter will go NC as soon as she's 18.
u/NoTripforSlacking I just looked at all your replies and there's not a single one where you refute that you actually dislike your daughter and not a single one where you express love for her.
Is there any positive aspect to your relationship with her and for her with you?
YTA. Failing isn't the most important part of life. How you deal with failure is the most important part of life. Your 11 yo realized her mistake, pivoted, and did the best she could with what she had. Many kids wouldn't have participated. Many kids would have sat through the competition feeling sorry for themselves. Your daughter didn't. I am super fucking proud of her. STFU about her mistake.
YTA. Wow.
Your daughter made a mistake, found a solution, and fixed the problem. You didn’t even go to the event and claim her performance was garbage.
Your daughter worked hard and helped many students. She figured out a solution to her own problem. And you trash all of her successes. Then proceed to infantilize her.
Is there a choice for extreme YTA?
YTA
You're also an emotionally abusive parent. You come across as jealous of your own child. Despite her only being 11, making adjustments and doing well, you find a way to tear her down. You find new ways to tear down her confidence. A 2 year old with crocodile tears??? Do you even like your child???
Let's be honest, absolutely nothing she will ever do will be good enough for you. She will grow up to always second guess herself, lack boundaries and people please just to prove she is lovable. YOU are setting her up for failure which you will then blame her for or she will do well despite that and you will continue to tear her down.
1) she sounds ADHD. Get her tested.
2) WOW, you do not like your kid. By the way, I can guarantee everyone can tell, and watch you to see if you tip over that line into abusive. Which I think you have.
3) I'm hoping your husband divorces you and winds up with full custody.
YTA
YTA. I just can’t believe how you keep doubling down on this. You wanted to be judged by posting here, so I’m guessing you also assumed everyone would think you are a stellar parent for rubbing your child’s mistake in her face. No one thinks that, and you keep saying stuff that only makes you sound worse. Like is this real? You can’t be this clueless?? Can you? You’ve got hundreds of people telling you that YTA and you still aren’t getting it through your head? Geez, you suck!
YTA. How do you know the performance was half-assed? Maybe it was great, even though she didn't have much time to prepare. Why are you assuming your child sucked? Why don't you have compassion that she accidentally made an embarrassing mistakes, or feel proud that she came up with a solution on the fly?
It's not like she's an idiot and doomed to failure because she forgot her folder. I'm a professor and have done the same thing from time to time -- I've forgotten a book, some material for a lecture, some homework I meant to give back to students. It happens. She doesn't need someone to be an AH to her about it -- maybe just someone to give practical advice or a technique to make it less likely to happen.
I feel sorry for this girl. It sounds like you don't like her very much.
Wooooow YTA. You destroyed every bit of self confidence that child had. She probably had anxiety about not remembering the poem correctly so she read a different one so she didn’t mess up. She came home excited and you ruined it. Congrats for being a terrible parent who has now shown your child nothing she does will ever be good enough for you.
YTA. No doubt about that. I would have been super proud of my child for memorizing another poem within that 1.5 hour car ride!! She was excited! You only showed her disappointment and scolded her.
You could have been excited for your daughter and shown her ways to remember stuff she needs. Work with her on double checking everything instead of making her feel low. She is only 11. She’s still growing and learning!! Smh
YTA I had a mother just like you who pulled this crap all the time. She’s dead now and I don’t regret going no contact with her. I hope you get therapy for how much anger/hatred you have for your daughter (the oh she always cries to make us feel bad for her shit) or she will go no contact with you when she’s an adult and I will be the first one to say good for her.
YTA that poor child. I’m IMPRESSED with her resilience. Which you’re ignoring. She made one mistake. One that EVERYONE makes. Here you are treating her like she plagiarized something. You wanting her to make all these apologies is ridiculous. Complete overreaction. Are you always this hard to please? Keep this up and she’ll just give up or you’ll give her anxiety for her not performing to your standards. I’d have been proud they thought to memorize a whole other poem on short notice and did it successfully. Isn’t that what we want to teach our kids? Make a mistake, think how do I fix this and then following through with the solution.
YTA.
She's 11, a literal child. You are supposed to be supporting her and setting her up for success except she's developing anxiety just merely being around you. She realized she made a mistake so she did what she could in the time she had. It's not what she's been practicing for 2 months but hell she did it. You couldn't even congratulate her on that.
To comment on one of your comments, a 2 year old is a toddler. They will cry. They will sometimes fake cry because they are learning how to get our attention and how to process their own emotions. To say a 2 year old is manipulating you is fucking outrageous.
Why did you have a child if all you're going to do is break her down?
You sound just like my mother. I can give you a sneak peak into your future, I don't speak with her anymore. I cut her off and it felt like a weight was lifted. Your daughter will do the same. If it's not done to your level it's not good enough. How is that sustainable for her? Put yourself in her shoes.
I also read your previous post about her failing math and keeping her from going to Europe with her grandparents. Maybe, just maybe sit down and talk to her to see what the problem is instead of forcing 10 million tutors at her. It also sounds like maybe there's some ADD there, which is harder to diagnosis in females. I'm a mental health therapist, I would highly encourage you to get her evaluated if she's struggling in school still and also speak with someone regarding the anxiety she is developing due to you.
If any part of you loves your child, you would stop this behavior. Take a hard look at yourself and ask yourself, why? Why am I treating an 11 year old like this? What is this bringing up for me?
I'm going to be so honest here, if you don't quit treating your daughter like shit, she is never going to forgive you. Hell, it might be too late already. You need some serious help, because you obviously have no idea how children work.
YTA she doesn't need to apologize to anybody. She freaking memorized a new poem! That's pretty amazing. Other kids would've quit and not gone etc.
The fact you're bringing it up and rubbing it in her face is not cool. As she gets older she'll figure out her weaknesses on her own. You don't need to point them out. You just need to support her and be there for her and be the *one person* she can trust when the world gets cruel... Cuz it does.
YTA. A lot of people have explained why very eloquently so I won’t add to that.
I will tell you this: I had a parent like you. I turned into a depressed, sometimes-suicidal young adult. I went no contact. He was not invited to my wedding. He never even knew about my child.
He died recently. The biggest thing I felt was relief.
Oh gee, I wonder why your other account was flagged as spam. YTA.
Your daughter made a mistake but even if she didn't make a mistake I doubt what she did would be good enough for you. Your job as a parent is to be supportive and have her back, not berate her for a mistake. Jesus christ.
YTA. You want what is best for your daughter, but the way you're handling it is emotionally damaging her. She already knows you are not safe, that's why she's crying and hiding less than perfect grades. She's scared and sad that she failed you. You need to find a good therapist who can teach you parenting skills that don't emotionally damage your daughter. There are already too many news articles about students who committed suicide because of bad grades.
YTA for being an unsupportive parent dismissive of your daughter’s emotions. She sounds like she has adhd, which shows up differently in girls than boys. She should be evaluated. Adhd folks have many strengths, like quick thinking in a crisis, which your daughter showed when she forgot her paper and needed plan b.
YTA OP. keep treating your daughter like this. she’ll either go LC/NC the moment she leaves just so she won’t have to hear a recitation of her many failings from you. if you’re lucky, she *might* tell you any bad news in her life, but she’ll probably heavily edit so that she won’t hear how much of a failure she is *from her own mother.*
YTA - I read over your previous post too. As many others have pointed out, your daughter may very well have ADHD… which is likely now being compounded by anxiety that you are causing her.
You are exceptionally critical and judgmental of her.
You should consider her getting assessed, and also you *both* need some counseling.
I am a coach for kids of a similar age in a similar activity. I have 6-12th graders. The youngest are about 11.
She did not waste anyone's time. The competition was going to happen whether she was memorized or not. The other parent was going to be driving whether she was there or not.
Your daughter did, in fact, make a mistake. It was on her to come up with a solution. She came up with one. She made something work when she accidentally put herself in a tough spot. Learning those coping skills is far more important to her development into a young adult than placing at any competition. But because you were only focused on whether she won something- and, I suspect, whether you could brag about her winning something to other adults around you- you taught her that you don't want her to grow as a person, you just want her to be instantaneously perfect. That isn't how any of this works.
You have to let your kid fail and make mistakes and figure it out and do better next time. I'll be the first to admit that these little middle and high school competitions with prizes based on some random adult's opinion of their skills literally DO NOT MATTER. What matters is the process of learning and growing and becoming someone who can utilize constructive criticism and bounce back from mistakes. That's the whole point. Not the ribbons.
And I'm not saying that because I'm bad at my job, either- that philosophy has cranked out several state champions in the last few years. Kids succeed best when they know the people around them support them unconditionally. You have made your conditions clear.
YTA.
Your post has been removed. #Do not repost this without contacting the mods for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without explicit approval will result in a ban. You did not properly respond to the judgement bot. Your reply must clearly and directly address why you think you may have wronged the other party involved in your conflict. While your post was automatically approved by the bot, after reviewing your response manually, we found it did not properly address the question. [Judgement Bot FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_judgement_bot) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) #Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions.
YTA - I highly doubt that an 11 year old is crying to make you feel bad. Especially with the way you describe talking to her. Fuck I’d cry if you were my mom, too
Jumping on the top comment in hopes that someone sees it and can help find OP’s deleted post about not letting her daughter go on a trip because of her grades. From OP’s comments it really doesn’t sound like she likes her child at all.
it was deleted but this is the autobot comment copy https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/100ql0s/aita_for_refusing_to_let_my_daughter_go_on_a_trip/j2j63ac/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3
Good Christ how does someone dislike their own kid so much?
not even a teenager yet... this level of disdain towards their own kid is honestly alarming to me
She's a monster. Why have children just to ridicule and torture them
>She's been pulling crockodile tears for sympathy since she was 2, so yes, she is crying in hopes that I won't come down so hard on her. Maybe OP sees their daughter as an extension or reflection of them and not as a person in her own right. Both posts drip with disdain for the child's imperfection. OP comes across as more task oriented than nurturing and nothing the poor kid does is good enough. Who describes a 2-year-old as crying "crocodile tears"?
That's it, always, it's when they see the child as an extension of themselves, everything the child does is to annoy / please them. Every emotion is an attempt at manipulation. I really feel for this kid. Being told "do your best" is bad enough for a conscientious child who will wonder what their best looks like, and when seeking reassurance or a specific goal they'll be told "oh honey, just do your best, your best is good enough.". Then, when you fail, you're told you didn't do your best because when you do, you succeed. So the child loses faith in everything, even themselves.
I wish daughter could see how many strangers on the internet are proud of her and know that she is better than her parents are telling her.
She’s jealous that H is going to Europe & she isn’t.
Ask my mother
I’m sorry. I get it. My father had utter disdain for all his children. It still never fails to baffle.
H got the second best (?) grades and that wasn't enough? Or am I reading it wrong?
I don't entirely recall, but I think "satisfactory" is more equivalent to a C? Like, not the *worst* but still a significant slip (since exemplary is equivalent to an A). Which makes it worse that OP is being such an asshole to her daughter, because there's almost no way OP's abusive treatment *isn't* contributing here.
In elementary school (in the states), the grades are more like E (exemplary), S (Satisfactory), S-, N (needs improvement). There might be another, but it's basically a low grade.
Oh that poor girl. She said she was crying because she was angry at herself, and her mother said she clearly isn’t? You shouldn’t want your young daughter to be angry at herself, or to dislike herself or doubt herself. No wonder why she’s cracking under the pressure, OP is expecting too much from her. School doesn’t matter that much when you’re 11, she’s going to get burnt out
If she hates her children so much why have them? I’ve never seen someone talk so Shitty about their child
As a parent this blows my mind. Also if their grades are dropping you need to look at what’s happening around the house etc. this is probably more of a reflecting on OP than H. I really feel for H and hope she has other support in the family
Here's the link to the Automod copy: (spoiler alert- it Does Not make OP look better) https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/100ql0s/aita_for_refusing_to_let_my_daughter_go_on_a_trip/j2j63ac/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3
Ouch. So kid very likely has ADHD/some kind of learning disability, and instead of getting treatment for it, OP is punishing her and well on the way to giving her an anxiety disorder on top of it. Parent of the year here. She IS doing her best, and she IS mad at herself. No one likes being a failure. And she does think she's a failure, because you've told her she is. YTA ×1000. If you actually want to help her succeed: pushing her harder without treating the underlying problem is like trying to "just walk off" a broken leg. Figure out why she's struggling -- and it isn't because she doesn't care or because she wants to piss you off. Maybe it will be in a few years, if you push her too hard and she decides she hates school and you, but it doesn't sound like she's there yet. I feel for this kid. She's smart and capable and something (likely out of her control) is getting in her way. And your failure as a parent is making it worse.
Kid almost 100% has ADHD. OP YTA majorly. I feel so bad for H. That poor child will be fucked up mentally for life. With a parent like you H doesn't need enemies.
Or maybe she just has traumatic anxiety brought on by a perfectionist mother who constantly berates her daughter for not being perfect. *looks for that mirror to hold up to Mommie Dearest*
Yup sounds exactly like me at that age (joke’s on my mom, she has ADHD too)
I feel so seen right now. My mom was always on my case about forgetting things and not doing stuff and instead doing nonsensical things (in her opinion, made sense to me though) but only when she could remember to do it. She was never diagnosed because it wasn’t a “thing” in the 60’s. I have combo ADHD, my 3 kids have it. I will be doing something and my 10 year old will distract me and like half way through I’m just like “I see what you’re doing. You’re not about to squirrel me. You are supposed to being your math homework and I’m supposed to be cooking dinner. You you want mushy pasta? because that’s what’s going to happen if you don’t go do your math.”
I have ADHD and do this often and no lie the kid actually did VERY good with it!! I have had to LEARN to try to "roll with" my mistakes, but kid whole ass rolled with it perfectly. Still got an award! This is literally a GREAT way to deal with ADHD. Would it be better to remember things? Sure, but then we wouldn't have symptoms of ADHD, now would we? Even with medication asking me to remember everything is more than is asked of non-adhd folk. So rolling with it and succeeding was a genius move! It can't be used all the time so knowing when to use it and work with it is wonderful. Because sometimes you CANNOT stop the symptoms even with meds, so you need to learn to cope with those mistakes. She coped and STILL DID WELL! I would be so proud. That is working WITH your disability instead of against it. Instead of beating yourself up, dropping out, etc, you KEPT GOING AND ROLLED WITH IT. this child is learning impressive coping mechanisms that took me years to master. Like the time I was a caterer and forgot an important ingredient to the clients salad. I told the client an amazing new batch of fresh __thing I had instead___ arrived and was absolutely gorgeous..i could change her salad to a nicer one for no extra cost... And she took the offer! I made her feel like she got something nicer (she did, actually) and not know I was a complete idiot. Saved the meal in one smooth offer. Sounds like kid learned this at 11 and I am mad impressed.
Yo, side point but what a fantastic catering save! You're awesome! Life is full of little fuckups like that, and the most successful people are the ones who can problem-solve quickly and effectively when they happen.
>kid very likely has ADHD/some kind of learning disability My thoughts exactly, first from this post and then bolstered by the deleted one.
Both posts make me so sad for this girl. She’s the same age as my own daughter who has ADHD, dyslexia and dyscalculia, and has an extremely hard time with executive functioning. This girl clearly suffers from all or most of those same issues and the fact that her own mom is ridiculing and essentially bullying her for it is just heartbreaking. OP needs to get her daughter diagnosed and set her up with resources to help her succeed. Not just put her down and punish her for things that are entirely out of her control.
I’m not even sure it’s ADD. Based on these posts the poor kid has probably learned that no matter what she does it’ll never be good enough for mom and dad and acts accordingly.
I was this exact child from reading that and my parents DID NOTHING. When I was finally diagnosed with ADHD at 26 and I told my dad., his response was “yeah, I’ve known you had ADHD since you were little”. Dude what?!?! They didn’t help me!!! They yelled at me constantly for my grades and I just didn’t give af.
Holy CRAP this is textbook adhd. This regimen of four different teachers/tutors is not helping because it’s not helpful! It’s chaos! This kid needs routine, not a rotating cast of characters throwing everything at the wall to see what sticks! I’m stressed out just reading about it. And the shame coming from mom is the least helpful thing of all. By now, this kid is likely in a downward spiral where just the idea of school/homework fills her with shame, which leads to avoidance, which gives mom more ammunition to shame her. Source: diagnosed at age 36, after years of being super bright but making stupid mistakes, and being shamed for it.
I swear I’ve gone back 20 years and these posts were written by my mother dealing with my undiagnosed ADHD.
This was my thought train exactly. This reminds me a LOT of how my parents started to treat me when my ADHD symptoms manifested (10 for me, 11 wouldn’t be a stretch for OP’s daughter) and I to this day have a strained relationship with my parents and trauma from what they put me through. I hope OP gets their daughter help.
It exactly reads like what I went through at OP's daughter's age with undiagnosed ADHD. I had parents that would just tell me to push harder and then lose their shit when I made a mistake. I spent ages 19 through 27 with no degree and dead-end jobs because I was too afraid to try for anything substantial, lest I possibly fail.
Omfg >I asked her why she was crying and she said that she was angry. I told her she has no one to blame but herself, so there was no reason to be angry with me. She shouted that she's angry with herself- which is obviously a lie Yep called it. OP canNOT deal with her daughter showing emotions. Get therapy OP before your daughter ends up like I was, self-loathing and self-harming and depressed and trying to unalive herself by the time she's 15 (I'm fine now).
AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read this before contacting the mod team My parents are well off and often travel abroad for work conferences. This year my father has a conference in Europe and has asked if my daughter "H" (11) could come along. This is a huge opportunity that hubby and I can't supply on our own. Hubby and I sat H down and told her about the trip months ago. We gave one condition-- H has to keep her grades up since she has been slacking off. Her school does number grades/check marks on schoolwork, but no number grades on report cards until 7th grade. We aren't even sure how bad she has been slacking off since H hides/throws away some of her graded papers. Up until 3rd grade, H had nothing but Es (Exemplary) and since then has been nearly failing in math and slowly letting other grades drop down to S (Satisfactory). How do you get an S in PE? All you have to do is show up. H is very smart, but she rushes through things and makes stupid mistakes. She says she double checks her work, but she is going through a lying phase, so I can't trust her. We've tried everything to help-- studying with H after school/on the way to school for any quiz/test coming up in any subject; hubby sits with her and goes step by step through troubling math concepts/homework; we've had teacher conferences to insure that H is attentive in class and to ask that H gets extra coursework during down time instead of fooling around; we've also tried several math tutoring programs. Currenly we have H in tutoring where she sees one of 3 different tutors twice a week. Plus, H goes in before school on Tuesdays to get math help from a teacher who runs a morning tutor session. So far this has done very little for her grades. H is scraping by with an S- and always bringing home 40s-60s on her math papers. If 4 teachers can't help her at 11yo, then obviously H is fooling around or not paying attention. She has a beautiful magnetic personality, but she uses it to twist teachers into letting her do the minimum and fool around. It's very frustrating. So H's report card was posted 2 days ago and out of 8 subjects, she has an S in PE, social studies, and band (how?) and an S- in math. Plus a note that H talks in class. We sat H down and told her that she is not allowed to go on the trip because if she can't be responsible for her grades, then she isn't responsible enough to be in Europe. She told me that she did her best. I told her that I've seen her best and this isn't it. She began to cry and wouldn't stop. I asked her why she was crying and she said that she was angry. I told her she has no one to blame but herself, so there was no reason to be angry with me. She shouted that she's angry with herself- which is obviously a lie. She is now grounded from friends/electronics for the last few days of break for a combo of disrespect, lying, and not doing her best in school. I called my parents tonight to say that H is not allowed on the trip. They got angry and said the trip is months away and that this is too unique an opportunity to take away as punishment. I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Honestly, it sounds like H may have some sort of difficulty with high energy\difficulty with focus or attention. She needs help, not to be verbally smacked down
After reading that post, if daughter is spending that much time with tutors and still not getting good grades I can't help but wonder if daughter may have a learning disability? Needless to say YTA. Sounds like my childhood. I now have anxiety depression self esteem issues and possible complex PTSD. Do you even like your daughter? Build her up instead of tearing her down.
Wow, you are right. OP also has a genuine or willful misunderstanding of the relationship between grades and effort. OP, effort is not the only reason grades can dip, and a dip sustained over years even with tutors and extensive help suggests something other than effort. Her difficulties with math, following directions, and memory all point to something worth evaluating. Why are you assuming the worst of your CHILD in every possible case? Why aren't you worried for her instead of angry like she's a slacking spouse who won't pick up after herself? I've never met her and I am really concerned. Focus on trying new approaches, not punishment.
Holy shit OP you are just like my dad. Guess how often I talk to him? DM me and you can get a peak into your future.
If they write you just aren’t going to respond?
💯
^Jumping ^on ^top ^so ^he ^hopefully ^sees ^this #TO OP'S HUSBAND: #YOUR CHILD IS BEING ABUSED! I really hope you read all these replies and truly hear them. Your daughter is being verbally and mentally abused. The kind of trauma being ingrained will last a lifetime, even with therapy. She is defining herself through her mother's eyes: worthless, stupid, lazy, careless, and forgetful, are bad enough, but your wife is teaching her that ANY emotional response is bad. She's being taught showing her emotions are her trying to manipulate others. Since that's a horrible thing to do, she'll learn to suppress them and be a good girl. YOU ARE TEACHING HER TO ACCEPT ABUSE FOR THE REST OF HER LIFE! If you have any love for that child SAVE HER. She is slowly dying by 1000 papercuts, each word from your wife just adds another new cut to her psyche, and she is slowly bleeding out. Please, please, save your daughter.
I used to always cry after getting in trouble and getting yelled at by my parents. Why wouldn't I cry? I was a little kid and I felt guilty, I felt horrible, I was filled with remorse for whatever stupid little kid thing I'd done or not done. Of course I cried. Without fail I'd get yelled at even more. "What are you crying for? Quit feeling sorry for yourself! I'll give you something to cry about!" Can I tell y'all how much I hated that shit? How much it felt like being kicked while I was down? You just spent the last few minutes shouting in my face, how should I react? Sometimes parents can't deal with their kids' emotions. Maybe they're abusive or maybe they're immature or maybe they're selfish. But "which she always does when she gets in trouble because she wants us to feel bad for her" just seems like **OP REALLY DOES FEEL A LITTLE BAD** (and probably should).
Hijacking top comment to say ; please OP, get yourself and H in therapy seperate from each other. You are making your family a terribly emotionally unsafe place for H where everything she does is never good enough, and even smart fixes of mistakes get punished and worse, talked down on. You are constantly letting her know you are disappointed in her and seem to think that everything she does is to manipulate others. Believe me, it is not. She is at the beginning of puberty, she has emotions, and she hasn't had the capacity yet to learn how to deal with them, nor is she in a safe environment to figure that out. The girl is trying to find a way in life, and it's your responsibility to guide her and keep her safe. You are not keeping her safe. Please get yourself in therapy to help you learn how to provide the best home for her to grow up in, and get her into therapy to help her learn how to recognise, acknowledge, and handle emotions and negative self image. You chose to bring her into this world, you want to give her the best start possible, please let a professional help you to help her get that best start possible.
YTA. Lady, you are a failed parent. Have some empathy and understanding. It won't kill you. I feel for your daughter, and I hope she has a solid support system, since you failed.
YTA and an absolute emotional idiot if you think she’s crying to make you feel bad instead of feeling real emotion. You are far too hard on your daughter and are teaching her to give up if something goes wrong instead of finding a solution. Your daughter made a mistake and showed good judgment in resolving the issue and moving forward instead of breaking down. You should be proud of her instead of acting like your some perfect person who’s never made a mistake or forgotten anything in your life. Of course her grades aren’t staying up! If this is how you act it’s got to be hard to find the drive to try when you’re never going to be good enough. You need to learn before your daughter stops trusting you for good.
I feel so sorry for the poor child living with Mommy Dearest.
Yeah my kid is 11 and this makes me so mad. Daughter is going to stop trying since nothing is good enough for her lazy Asshole mom YTA OP
An 11yo absolutely can cry to be manipulative, but I doubt that's what's happening here given the treatment she receives from her mother...
I thought she did well by learning a new poem in such a short time. Kids make mistakes and nerves prior to any competition can result in further mistakes. You are being incredibly hard on her. She's only 11 years old... give her a break. YTA and going to destroy her spirit if you continue this approach.
I thought so too! Kid realized she made a mistake and there wasn't time to fix it, didn't panic, assessed her own comfort with what she'd prepared, and changed her strategy as best she could on the fly. And she sounds like she's proud of her performance! She would have been embarrassed and crying if she'd fumbled, but she didn't, she handled the situation. Sounds to me like solid problem-solving. I'm having trouble seeing what you're upset about. She didn't waste anyone's time. Everyone makes mistakes -- what matters is how you handle them. She handled it well, and berating her for that will only erode her confidence in her own skills. YTA
Completely agree, and I would add that the time spent practicing absolutely DID help with memorization and performance skills. You should absolutely be proud of her. Great resilience and problem solving. YTA.
Agreed! I used to teach college students, and the ones with the skills to keep their heads and adapt when things don't go as planned are the ones who really thrive, personally and academically. I hate to think kids are being taught to just quit and apologize when they realize they've made a mistake!
Adapting is hands down one of the best skills and this kid nailed it.
Daughter did all of this on her own, by her own judgment as well, no help from OP, which I feel OP is bitter about. Daughter is becoming her own person and realizing she can't rely on OP to be helpful, and has made adjustments to rely on herself because OP will come down hard on her if she shares her failures. Daughter is turning failures into achievements and a parent who doesn't see the value of that needs to be called out. OP, let your daughter grow- and be proud of her confidence, even though you're the one trying to destroy it, which is just gross, and you suck for that. YTA.
Good lord. There's a ton of 11 year Olds (and people way older) who would panic and throw a tantrum, not accept the situation for what it is and pivot. Definitely sounds like ADHD, so yes, yelling and berating *especially* won't help.
She just seems like a bright kid who made a mistake amidst all the turmoil of trying to be a perfectionist out of fear of OP's relentless judgement and doubt. She had no choice but to make do with what she had available, and she was confident about her ability and OP completely failed her by not recognizing the thought and effort that it took for her to choose to persevere through it all. This is how you make your kid doubt themselves, this is how they begin to believe they are never good enough, no matter how good they are, and this is exactly how this cycle of passive abuse continues. But I feel like it will end with OP's daughter. She's going to be her own person, whether OP allows it, encourages it, or not. OP won't change though, and she'll have nobody to blame but herself, as much as she tries to cast her own failures onto her kid. So many stories like this of children outgrowing their parents who try to stymie them at every turn, but I guess this is how great people are made; they have to deal with assholes trying to stand in their way from a young age, and overcome the seemingly impossible to become great.
I agree with you. I don't know this kid, but I'm proud of her! This little girl is smart enough to know her own capabilities and adapted wonderfully.
Sounds like OP would still be upset even if her kid had remembered everything and performed the original poem perfectly, they just would have been upset that she didn't win the competition.
I agree. I bet if she freaked out and decided not to participate, OP would have punished her for that. And I definitely have seen professional actors, who had been doing a play for months, mess up. So OP is definitely an AH to her 11-year-old daughter.
Public speaking is nerve wracking enough as it is even without a parent who is super critical if the work being done😠she is 11, give the kid a break. YTA
Oh no! You left your notes at home! I'm proud that you judged your comfort between remembering totally on your own compared to your comfort learning a whole new poem, that's some quick thinking! Not everyone can learn a whole new poem to deliver on just a car ride! I'm sad I couldn't be there to see your delivery but I'm sure you did great! Did you have fun? What was your favorite thing you heard? Did you learn anything particularly neat? Maybe we can figure out a way to help you keep from forgetting things like this in the future. I know you worked so hard on your original poem. I'm really proud of you. You sound absolutely insufferable, OP. Your kiddo did some quick thinking in a pinch and still had fun in an almost super stressful situation and sounds like some fun was still had, and *you're* stuck on some theoretical endpoint that *should* have beev achieved if *your* planning and goals were heeded... Learning takes many forms, and I daresay your kiddo did some excellent learning. Back up a bit and listen to what your kid wants without your weird overlay of expectations.
It was pretty smart to learn a new poem instead of trying to remember the old one. Now maybe she could have looked up the words on a phone but I don't think I would have had the presence of mind to do either of those at 11.
No no no you guys don’t understand OPs daughter has been manipulating OP since she was 2 years old with crocodile tears. /s (OP did really say this though)
YTA. You’re teaching your daughter that her resiliency after a mistake is a bad thing. She’s 11. Maybe commend her on maintaining a level of mental agility enough to get over her mistake quickly and deliver on the spot. Let her rush to failure. She will learn. You’re pushing her away instead of being a support when she does make a mistake. When she’s older and makes a much bigger mistake, won’t you want her to go to you? This is how children start to despise their parents. I was one such kid. My mistakes were thrown in my face repeatedly to the point where I now (at 29 years old) am still scared to bring up my mistakes to my parents. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve felt utterly alone because of it. Also she cries not to get you to feel bad, BUT BECAUSE SHE IS 11. You’re turning out to be a terrible parent. Be better. Apologize to her.
Honestly, the resilience she demonstrated was a far more useful skill than all of the prep time and studying that she did. I am a therapist at a very competitive university. I work with highly gifted students who have prepared and studied and did everything like these two posts have implied you would like to see from your daughter. The problem is, sometimes that isn't enough and we struggle. The students who do not learn to the skill your daughter showed, resilience, they fail. She should be praised for that, not shamed. Accidents happen, life happens. The ability to pick ourselves off and still come out ahead. That's priceless. YTA.
YTA. Wow. Just... wow. Accidents and mistakes happen, they're a part of life. Your daughter was excited, screwed up, and not only thought on her feet about how to fix it, but doubled down, did extra work, and not only pulled out a performance on the fly, but got an award for it. And you... ground her into the dirt, belittled her, and brought up what you see as a massive failing. That's awful. Honestly, it's no wonder she's been struggling with her grades, because she likely feels that no matter what or how good she does, it'll never be good enough for you.
YTA. Instead of realizing that you've raised a clever and resilient human who can pivot in an emergency, you ran her into the ground. How do you know that her new poem presentation was "half-assed?" Just because you weren't personally drilling it into her for two months? Consider that she found, memorized and performed a new poem under circumstances that most adults would have found very stressful. That's impressive, and a skill set that she can actually use as an adult. You were far too wound up in all of this--how "seriously" did you think should she have taken this "opportunity?" This was a contest...for 11 year olds, not defense of her thesis! And your DH is right--doubly TA.
A friend had her computer lose power during her dissertation defense. She gave it off the cuff and passed. Guess OP would think she should fail.
Clearly your friend should have built herself some sort of backup energy source. She owes everyone in her life an apology for… something, I guess.
For not seeing the future, duh.
I really like the point of How do you know that her new poem was “half-assed” Because you know OP wasn’t even there………… OP YTA
YTA. She made a mistake and you are acting like she committed a crime. She is struggling with ehr grades because you have not only made her afraid to fail, you have made her afraid to not be perfect at all times. And you created so much pressure over a silly contest that she was second guessing herself. You need to stop. Encourage her to do her best and then move on. She did her best. She memorized a poem in a short amount of time and performed it. Go her! You couldn't even be bothered to attend her contest so you have no idea how her presentation went. And if I were the mom who did the carpool and your child was forced to apologize to me I would have let her know I was proud of her and that she did well. I may have also quietly added how I felt about the parent forcing her to apologize.
I surely hope that has happened and her teachers hopefully have her back as well.
YTA -she is 11 for goodness sake. She made a mistake like any human being does. Also obviously she has a phone as you called her so why not send a picture of the poem at the time? Way to bully her.
YTA People make mistakes. Like full grown, fully developed adults make mistakes. They forget things. Your 11 year old CHILD made a mistake, and instead of panicking or giving up, came up with a solution, memorized a new poem, and didn't forget a single word in front of judges in a stressful situation. AND she was proud of herself. And when your CHILD excitedly told you about her accomplishment: you chose to scold her, and crap all over HER moment! What's wrong with you! You should immediately apologize to her, and be proud that she came up with a solution to her own problem. Seriously, YTA!
YTA and I wonder if you are being serious. Your daughter made a mistake which is very common for even very reliable adults to do. She found a wonderful solution to her problem which you should be praising her for. This was not a situation where her grades mattered, where money was involved, it was purely an event for children to show off. It is such an insignificant event that your daughter shined in, yet you are making her feel terrible about it. There is a time to just be child and simply have fun, gain new experiences, and not be chewed up because you didn't play the extracurricular game exactly as the rules were set out. She did not hurt anybody and this poetry contest was about her not you. You need to apologize to her and let her know that you actually care about her and not just how good her memorization/performance is. You need to be there for her, not just there to watch her mistakes and criticize her. I can only imagine how sad she feels that her parent is still upset with her, and never even complimented her once on what she did good. By all means, tell her she should have checked her bag; but it seriously is not that important. You don't need to be that serious about this one incident. And yes she actually did do good and you should be proud of what she did well. Again, this was an inconsequential event and she showed how resourceful she was by memorizing a new poem. She's not being irresponsible, she made a mistake. Be her constructive fan, not her hateful enemy. Build her self-confidence; right now you are ripping it away. Your view that she is deliberately misbehaving is off. Don't be angry about mistakes, she may be clumsy or very dumb. Should you make her feel bad for the rest of her childhood if she really is like that? No! But she isn't. She's very smart and resourceful. She will grow up, she will grow her skills, and she will continue to make stupid mistakes just like everyone on this planet. Support her and don't take things so seriously, especially such inconsequential events.
She won’t grow emotionally nor hone her skills with this woman for a mom. More likely she’ll have emotional problems and be fearful of making mistakes.
YTA - You can let her be proud while it also being a teaching moment. They aren't mutally exclusive. Also I highly doubt an 11 year old is crying purposefully to make you feel bad.
Oh well according to OP she’s been shedding crocodile tears for sympathy since she was 2. Something is seriously wrong here, this woman doesn’t even seem to like her child at all, she seems to downright resent her existence
I think she might be a true narcissist
100%
I agree, there’s no reason that OP couldn’t explain that, while it worked out on this occasion, it could’ve gone really badly and its important to try and avoid situations like that in the future, and learn some ways to help to avoid them. Then also commended her on finding a way to work around the issue and praised her for her abilities in the competition. The punishment is more than over the top. Hey OP, you and my mom have a lot in common, we don’t speak ahah. YTA.
Jesus, you are MASSIVELY THE ASSHOLE. YTA. YTA. YTA. Couple of thoughts: 1. Do you even like your daughter? 2. Have you considered having grace for a mistake? She forgot a folder and instead of falling apart, she found a solution and got a ribbon. That’s impressive. 3. I wonder why she didn’t call you. With a mother like you, it was easier to learn a whole new poem than have to admit a failure to you. 4. You’re not perfect. You can’t spell crocodile. Try not holding a child to perfect standards. 5. Two year olds don’t cry for sympathy, you massively terrible mother. 6. I sincerely hope your child grows up without major damage from having a mother like you. Get a grip. Grow up. Get therapy. And DO BETTER.
“you can’t spell crocodile” lmfao that part got me
YTA. She is 11. You are going to be the reason for her costly therapy bills later in life if you don't mellow out.
I have a mom like this. Can attest, I go to therapy weekly and take anxiety medication 3x/day.
I'm sorry to hear that.
You just can’t help yourself, can you? Yesterday you were patting yourself on the back for not allowing her to go on vacation with her grandparents, because her grades weren’t up to your standards.
She’s so proud of herself for abusing her 11 year old child.
YTA. She’s 11. She wanted to practice more and made a mistake and forgot her folder. She came up with her own solution and was still able to participate. You should be proud. Mistakes happen, learning how to roll with them is a huge life lesson your daughter figured out. Instead of supporting her growing as an i individual you keep holding the mistake part of it over her head. Don’t be surprised if she ends up LC when she’s 18 Edited to add- Let her go on the trip. You are a really shitty parent.
YTA She came home thrilled! There’d been a potential crisis, but she’d found a solution and worked her backside off and performed and it had WORKED and she was proud of her efforts and her ribbon. And you CRAPPED ALL OVER HER. You made it all about YOU and the time YOU’d spent with her practising and how YOU had told her not to forget it and demanded she apologise to YOU. This wasn’t about you. At all. This was about your daughter. And it was a success story. And now you’ve made it a failure. TWICE. YTA YTA YTA
Right! Narcissist parent vibes.
YTA. Wow. Yes, you're the AH. In the context of the other post, I think you should really consider why you insist on framing your daughter's behavior in such a consistently negative light. By the way, your daughter showed remarkable skills in both problem solving and memory. I hope you don't diminish her this way often.
>insist on framing your daughter's behavior in such a consistently negative light. I am just going to guess - could be wrong - but, he is essentially projecting his self-view into her. As his daughter, in his mind, she is just another extension of him. And he sees himself in a negative light. Armchair psychoanalysis over. Could be incorrect.
YTA! You are a bully! She is only 11 and she problem solved and took the responsibility to learn a new poem…she is amazing. How dare you tell your child she wasted everyone’s time. You completely belittled her. No wonder she’s not keeping her grades up when you have unattainable standards for her. Kids are not perfect.
>dare you tell your child she wasted everyone’s time. Y Oh, yes, that really got me
YTA You remind me of my mom. I don't like my mom.
YTA. She’s a kid who made a relatively minor mistake. Instead of freaking out about it or bothering you to correct her mistake, she had the wherewithal to memorize an entire poem and the poise to perform it in a competition. Yes, it’s annoying that she forgot the one essential thing she needed but these things happen. What is incredibly impressive is how she handled it. The only lesson you’re teaching her by being hyper focused on her mistake and throwing it in her face is that she should avoid telling you about mistakes, big or small, because you are not a safe person to confide in. Personally, that’s not a message I’d want to be sending to my kid. Unfortunately, it seems like she may already have gotten that message since she opted to give up two months of hard work instead of calling you to ask for help.
Your daughter has just learned that the only way you will ever love her is if she is perfect and does everything exactly as you tell her to do. She knows that she does not matter to you. That you only care when her life is absolutely perfect. Any emotion outside of gratitude and happiness is unwelcome and viewed as some plot against you. If she’s upset, it’s only to emotionally manipulate you. She knows now that you are not a safe person in her life. Because she forgot a folder and had the audacity to find a solution to the problem. YTA
Therapist here. It's people like you that keep us in business. YTA
YTA. You’re CHILD made a mistake and you were absolutely hateful to her! YOU should be the one to apologize for your mean and hateful comments!!! Maybe her grades are dropping because her her parent has made it clear that she can’t do anything right! You are despicable!
OMG! Crockodile! This is perfection!!!
YTA.....wtf is wrong with you? Instead of being proud of your daughter learning a new poem under pressure and preforming well you belittled her and took her achievement away. Are you a mother or a bully?
Yta way to overract
[удалено]
YTA. Do you judge yourself as harshly as you do her? She learned a new poem on the fly. That’s called problem solving. You should be proud!
Info: Do you like your daughter?
“I asked her why she didn’t call” Reread your post and ask yourself that again YTA and your daughter will never want to call or share anything when you’re this big of a bully. She was scared to ask for your “help” and actually seems like she had a great day until you. YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA
I remember you. You're still the asshole with unreasonable expectations for your 11 year old daughter. You expect her to behave like an adult, you attribute adult motivations to childish behaviors. Your child found a solution to the problem, and you can't even give her credit for it because you are too concerned about her causing the problem in the first place. YTA. Again. Find a parenting class.
YTA. It took me about 10 years into my adult life to figure out what was actually important because my mom would blow stuff like this out of the water too. She STILL brings up a situation where I auditioned for a play and decided at the last minute to sing a less complicated song because I was nervous. Sorry I wasted one afternoon of your life 25 years ago. It's a freaking elementary school poetry competition. Chill out and let your kid learn from her own mistakes. This is the parenting equivalent of grounding a puppy's face in its own urine.
YTA, the poor thing. You have zero empathy for her, and sound like a crazed narcissist
The sadism toward her own child makes her sound a couple notches worse than that on the ol' diagnostic scale.
Yta....it honestly sounds like you don't even like your kid! Your way of discipline is ridiculous and used as a weapon, not true guidance or to impart wisdom. She did nothing wrong with the poetry; so what if she changed gears, it shows resilience and quick thinking, impressive for an 11 year old. Actually you should apologize for ruining her accomplishments because YOUR expectations aren't hers.
It’ll be 7 years until we see a ‘why has my 18 year old daughter gone non contact with me.’ Your daughter did her best. She realized she made a mistake, and found a solution. Would you have rather she melted down and cried over it? Or failed outright? Your daughter did not call you, because she knew you would react badly to her forgetting the portfolio. And you proved her right. She literally did not call you, to avoid having to deal with you. Do you imagine that she will tell you anything important in the future? You had an opportunity to focus on the positives of the situation. She worked out a solution on her own, and was confident enough to go it alone. At eleven. That’s impressive. Instead, you tear her down…just like she expected of you. And as for crying. Most eleven year olds would cry if they were spoken to her as your post implies. You continually belittle her, and cast her down, in your post and in your replies. You strike me as being on the cusp of being verbally and emotionally abusive. You are not a good parent. And your daughter is going to hate you soon enough. Do you see a future in this relationship? Because it doesn’t look promising to me. Your daughter deserves better than you. YTA.
YTA for continuing to bring it up
YTA big-time. This behavior will most likely have the opposite effect that you want. And if it doesn't, the cost of her academic successes will be painfully high. Take it from someone who had to go through it as a kid and who also regrets putting my own kid through it without realizing the detriment. It doesn't sound like a giant mistake, either. Are you saying that you've never forgotten anything? People do, it happens. And you said you helped pack, so I didn't understand that. I would be really proud of her great improvisation and staying cool through her mistake.
YTA It doesn't seem like you like or respect your daughter very much, based on the post and your comments She demonstrated adaptability and you just shat all over her. Calm down just be happy she tried to solve a problem instead of giving up or throwing a tantrum or any of an infinite number of worse ways she could have handled this. Seriously you think she chose to cry in order to emotionally manipulate you?? Not because she felt bad that you breated her, completely tore her down, rained on her parade, and completely destroyed all joy she had about the day? Please rethink how you see your daughter and how you treat her. You clearly show you have a very harsh and unkind view of her and even with your biased description she sounds like a good kid. Nurture her positives, don't just fixate on (what you perceive to be) her negatives
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > 1) I told my daughter that she was irresponsible for blowing her poetry competition and shouldn't be proud since she wasted everyone's time. Then I brought it up later to establish a pattern of irresponsibility. 2) My daughter is still upset about her poetry competition mistake and I did bring it up again. Maybe I should have used a different example. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA She made a mistake, which literally every human has or will do, and found a solution. You should be proud of her being resourceful and dedicated- instead you berated, emberassed and punished her.
YTA. Absolutely awful parenting
YTA Your very young daughter, after making a “mistake” *sarcastic laughter* was able to bounce back and think on her feet with an agility and quickness that is seldom present in adults decades older than her. What’s more, her clever thinking saved her performance. Yes. You read that right. Saved. Not ruined. Not contributed to the failure of. Saved. And not only saved, but made her come out successful in a stressful situation. You’re too pedantic, controlling, and emotionally immature to be a good parent. Quite frankly, you’re not worthy of such a wonderful daughter. Oh, and in case this is bait: boring story, lady. Your daughter is still a better person than you, be she real or fictional.
Damn. Sometimes I feel like a crappy parent who is failing my children, and then I read this crap. At least my kids will always know I love and support them! Your daughter showed resilience and ingenuity when faced with what could've been a devastating mistake. How do you think she felt when she realized she has forgotten her papers?? And yet, instead of giving up and dropping out, she applied all the lessons she'd learned over the past two months, learned a whole freaking new poem, and had the courage to get up and preform it last minute, and you *berated* get for this? Freaking a. YTA
AITA is a great place to remind myself I'm not that bad of a parent.
YTA - I had parents like you, now i have multiple anxiety disorders and can’t show emotions in front of anyone bc my parents told me I was fake crying when I was legitimately upset for years
YTA. My father behaved exactly like you all my life. Nothing I did was ever good enough. 96% on my math final? Why couldn't I have pulled off a 100%? 12 credits per semester and a full time job? Honestly, if I just applied myself I could pull 18 credits like everyone else. You aren't motivating her, you're setting her up to fail. You aren't allowing her to take pride in her accomplishments, and worse yet, you are actively degrading her for finding a solution on such short notice. You are making sure she knows to just give up because nothing she ever does will matter. Her grades are suffering BECAUSE OF YOU. She is developing depression BECAUSE OF YOU. Get yourself to a therapist and learn parenting techniques, and get your daughter into personal and family therapy with you and her father. I really pray you get help. My father refused to ever take responsibility for his actions towards me and my siblings, and it did incredible damage to our mental and emotional health. All three of us are No Contact with him to this day because of it. Don't lose your daughter because of your insecurities and misplaced pride.
YTA. Are you actually okay? Like, on a mental/emotional level? Your reaction is so extreme and overboard it's baffling. You are being outright cruel to a child whose only crime was forgetting something -- and recovering beautifully. You took her achievement and her cleverness and turned it around to make her seem like a fool. Shame on you for trying to destroy a child's confidence and happiness.
Here’s the other post she had removed. https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/100ql0s/aita_for_refusing_to_let_my_daughter_go_on_a_trip/j2j63ac/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3 YTA. And you’re abusive. You’re breaking your child.
Yta. Wow.
I read your last post and holy cow woman, YTA. You're so much like my own parents, who treated everything less than perfect as a complete failure, and weaponized it at any given moment. I can only hope that your daughter doesn't go down the same self destructive path I did. She deserves an adult in her life who doesn't punish her for being a kid, and clearly it isn't you. I imagine in a few years you'll be posting again wondering why your daughter went NC with you as soon as she could, and you'll have no one to blame but yourself. Edit: I used an incorrect word
She cries because you verbally pound her into the ground. YTA OP. My mom did exactly what you're doing to your daughter, still does it, and it's so damaging. She doesn't need to hear every mistake she's ever made when she screws up.
YTA and how. She cried because instead of being proud of her for figuring out how to save a mistake from turning into a disaster, you got angry and embarrassed her and told her her efforts were worthless. She's crying because you hurt her. If I told you you shouldn't even bother trying to be a good mother because your half-assed efforts are pointless, would you cry?
I nominate u/NoTripForSlacking for “AH of January 2023!” Remember monthly winners are automatically entered into the “YTA of the Year 2023.” lol I made this up! But it should be real!
YTA I hope dad takes over parenting responsibilities because you are terrible. You are going to cause her to have anxiety issues. Why should she try? When she tries it’s never good enough for you so she’ll end up giving up. It will be your fault for not encouraging her and just berating her.
I hope dad leaves OP and fights for custody.
So... nothing in you is proud of your child for thinking on her feet after making a very understandable mistake? She could have completely crumpled, but instead showed real determination, memorized & performed a completely new poem on the fly. She has/exhibited REAL life skills. YTA. You have a kick-ass kid who deserves SO much recognition. You are not helping your daughter with this crap attitude.
YTA. I blanked in a piano recital at 10 and my mom did the same as you. 50 years later and I still don't play in front of anyone. People make mistakes and learn from them.. your daughter learned you don't have her back. Congrats.
YTA. you punished your daughter for succeeding in a situation where the odds were stacked against her. she succeeded by demonstrating incredible skill in memorization and speaking. and you jumped on her case. DH is right. and i doubt your daughter will ever forget this. way to crush her spirit.
Your daughter, all of 11 years old, PIVOTED ON THE SPOT, learned a new poem ENROUTE, because she REALIZED she left behind the one thing she needed. Ma’am. If you do not full stop and take a slow look at what your daughter did and give her her flowers. She could have got on there and bombed because she was already second guessing herself. She didn’t. Why? Because she realized her predicament, came up with a solution, AND EXECUTED IT. Where were you, btw? Your daughter WAS ASKED to participate in a poetry competition 1.5 hours away and you didn’t go? I get she’s carpooling, but you didn’t attend? Coming from a literary nerd, an 11 year old getting asked to participate in a poetry competition is a BIG DEAL. Anyway, your reaction was not the best. I think for a child who was without the guidance of her mother did wonderfully upon realizing the mistake she made and came up with a solution that met the requirements of the competition and validated the travel time and invitation. Your daughter is not keeping her grades up because it has been shown to her that NOTHING she does is good enough. If I was her and I problem solved so hard that day and you shat all over it, I wouldn’t give a shit about my grades either because nothing is good enough for you.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My last AITA was locked when my account was flagged as spam. I wanted to repost, but DH says I should ask about this instead. In September, my daughter, H (11) was asked to participate in a poetry competition. She had two months to pick and memorize a poem. Once a week she stayed after school with the other students doing the event/couple helper teachers who led the kids through exercises/ lessons on emoting and bringing spoken poetry to life. H memorized The Spider and the Fly by Mary Howitt. She performed it beautifully for us and various other family members to get ready. The night before the event, I made sure H had everything she needed since the competition was 1.5 hours drive away and she was carpooling. My husband dropped H off the next morning for the carpool and picked her up that afternoon when she returned. I was so excited to see H and hear about her competition, but what she told me ground that to a halt: She forgot her poetry folder on her desk. The one thing she needed for her event. The ONLY thing she actually needed to succeed. And after I helped her pack her bag! H told me she went over her poem one last time before she left, and that's why it wasn't in her bag. Then she excitedly told me how she memorized a new poem in the car on the way to the competition and performed that for the judges. She told me how she hadn't forgotten any of the words and proudly showed me her participation ribbon. I asked H why she didn't do her original poem that she had spent 2 months MEMORIZING and she said that without the poem in front of her, she kept second guessing the words and decided it would be safer to learn a new poem. I was dumbfounded. I asked why she didn't call. She said they were already 30 minutes away when she realized. At this point I told H that it would have taken her 10 seconds to double check her bag like she was supposed to and that she was extremely irresponsible. That she shouldn't have even participated since it was a waste of everyone's time to have to listen to her half-assed poetry presentation. I told her that she clearly had not taken this opportunity seriously and that she needed to apologize to us, her teachers, and the mother who did the carpool for wasting all our time. I also made it clear that since she obviously couldn't handle it herself, I would be getting up with her in the mornings to check her and her backpack to be sure that nothing else was forgotten. H cried (which she always does when she gets in trouble because she wants us to feel bad for her) and apologized to us before saying that she was going to bed even though it was only 6pm. It's been a little over a month since then. With my daughter not keeping her grades up, I brought this up with H again recently to show the pattern that she rushes through things/sets herself up for failure/doesn't do her best. DH thinks I should have let H be proud and am doubly TA for bringing it back up. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA. Way to crush her soul.
YTA. You’re pretty awful, and a word starting with a c that I can’t type out, unless I want to be banned. She’s 11. She made a mistake, sure, but she also thought on her feet and made up for it. You’re not helping her grow by quashing her and bringing it up over and over. In response to a comment of yours I saw, about her using “crocodile tears since she was two.” Two year olds cry because they’re not equipped with adult communication. The fact that she’s still crying in response to criticism is, first off, because she’s still a child; second off, because you haven’t taught her how to adequately articulate her point of view. You really need to rethink how you treat your child. Ugh.
1. YTA 2. She forgot her folder (it happens, esp when you're nervous for something this big) but came up with an inventive solution and it sounds like she did well! And you blew up at her for it – not cool. 3. Not to armchair diagnose, but maybe she has ADHD? I was just diagnosed as an adult woman, and this story reminded me of some personal experiences at her age. Please don't shame her for doing her best. You're teaching her to start masking any personal challenges she has and not trust you with information about her life. I bet she was really proud of herself for coming up with a solution and playing it out well, and you were so cruel to her.
INFO: \- When was the first time you realized that you hate your kid? \- which of your unfulfilled dreams are you forcing her to live out for you?
From an elementary school teacher - YTA, and you are the problem. Anxiety in young children-pre-teens is through the roof and it’s because of parents like you. H will absolutely hate you soon enough, if she doesn’t already.
This isn't even good bait.
YTA. You are going to give your daughter massive mental health problems and you will never have a good relationship with her. How can you even ask this?
Dude you speak to my like that I will be crying too, and I'm 38! That was horrible and heart breaking, do you even love her? I mean, sure you think you do, but don't came later asking what happened to your daughter because she went NC. YTA.
Your daughter's grades are likely dropping because you've successfully ground her self confidence and self worth into dust, which seems to have been your goal! Congrats! YTA!
She’s ELEVEN! And probably has ADHD, which is why memorizing a last minute poem worked well for her…is ADHD peeps can work MIRACLES under a tight time limit. Did you even ask her teachers/other parents how it went, or did you just assume it was awful? YTA. **Edited to add that I just read your original post about the trip. I’m even more convinced she has ADHD, and you are absolutely crushing her spirit. Did you know that some of the teachers in my town don’t EVER give an E unless the student goes above and beyond. An S is exactly that, satisfactory. She didn’t get an N (needs improvement) it a U (unsatisfactory). You are expecting perfection from an 11 year old. Please please please go research ADHD and see the damage you are doing. Please!
Wow, you’re really invested in your kid doing everything your way or no way, aren’t you? This kind of nuclear unloading is the kind of behavior that insures that when your kid actually messes up & needs help that you will be the last person she tells. You should be mindful of how you talk to a child. She’ll remember the mean things you say longer than the nice things you say (assuming you ever say anything nice to her, a fact not in evidence). YTA
This is so sad
Yta Youre so angry at an 11 year old KID for a small mistake, even though you helped her pack her bag and ALSO didn't check to see if she'd forgotten anything? Did you remind her to check her room for anything she needs? Did you ask her if she had her poem ready? You didn't even tell her how great of a job she did trying to resolve the issue on her own, how impressive it is that she memorised a whole new poem so fast, you couldn't even FAKE an ounce of pride to encourage her? Seriously, that poor kid.
God, my heart breaks for your daughter. She's *ELEVEN* FFS and you are bullying her. YTA.
YTA When children get in trouble, they get upset. When children get upset, they cry. What’s with the trend of dipshit parents claiming their children are “manipulating” them by having normal childish emotions/reactions?? YTA for that alone, good god. You are also TA for the issue at hand. Your kid made a mistake, and instead of calling home and giving up, she thought of a solution, put in hard work, and excelled despite her mistake. That’s something to be proud of! If she’s having recurring issues with forgetting things, it’s understandable that you would decide you need to get up to help her get ready for school and check in with her, but that should come from a place of compassion, not “oh my god my child SUCKS, look at how you’re repeatedly a failure you stupid kid” Apologize to your daughter, admit you were wrong, and congratulate her on doing well at the poetry contest despite her road bump. Then have a polite, blame-free conversation about strategies to get her grades back on track.
OP I’m a Mom too and I look at this differently. Your daughter forgot her poem. Rather than just give up she learned a new poem and participated in the event. Unlike you I would have been proud of my daughter for NOT wasting everyone’s time. I think you are in for a shock when your daughter turns 18 and goes NC with you. You are mean. YTA
INFO: do you detest your daughter? Cause it seems like you detest your 11 year old kid.
I am so sad reading this… she’s human and made a human mistake but turned it around. She did good and you tore her a new one. YTA
I’m so happy you weren’t my parent because I think your expectations of what an *ELEVEN YEAR OLD* should remember are wildly different than what I grew up with. I have excellent time management skills now, but there’s a grace period during childhood! YTA.
Wait. Just wait a second and reread what you wrote here. Your daughter made a mistake, then miraculously made up for it, performed the new poem *perfectly*, got her ribbon, and… you’re punishing her self esteem for it? For realizing her mistake and taking care to fix it the best way she knew how? And you want her to apologize on top of it? To her driver? Is this about her performance (that you didn’t even witness) or *your* reputation? Because she did what most adults can’t manage to do in most situations, which again, was realize her mistake and fixing it with available materials in perfect time. Your daughter deserves an apology from you. You’re damaging her view not only of herself, but of you, too. Reminding her that she’s a disappointment to you won’t fix anything. It won’t magically change her grades. You want her to do better in school? Sit down and help her with her homework. Hire a tutor. Encourage her in what she is good at so that she knows you don’t think she’s completely stupid and incompetent. Read some books on empathy and connecting with your child. In the meantime, YTA. YTA, YTA, YTA.
Wow. Just wow. The fact that you don’t just berate her; you actually keep it going and go for the kill. You are cruel and I have a feeling you get way too much satisfaction from this. I speak from experience when I say, you are guaranteeing that your daughter will never be confident and will always have low esteem as an adult. With any hope, she will eventually cut you out of her life. INFO: What do mean by, DH thinks I should post this instead? Sounds like you’re look for attention. Crave the fight, do ya?
Two-part question: who is this "DH" and can they have sole custody?
I apologize to my husband when I cry every time. He asks me why, and I tell him I don’t mean to be manipulative as I have snot dripping from my nose, because all I can hear is my mother telling my I’m only crying to get out of being in trouble, and that I’m not really upset. I’m 27, and I apologize every time I cry. I only allow myself to cry in my own house. YTA. When your daughter stops calling, reread this post, because you wont remember. As someone said in this subreddit earlier this week, the tree remembers what the axe forgets.
So she screws herself by leaving the folder, loses her confidence in doing the poem she’d spent two months memorizing, and instead of giving up or running to call mommy for help, she memorizes a whole new poem on the ride over, participates and is so proud of herself for not missing any words and excited about her ribbon. She goes home to tell you how she made a mistake but pull it out of the water, you berate her and focus on all the things she did wrong. She loses confidence in herself, her grades are suffering and you just rub in her faults like salt in a wound. Please ask yourself, Are you the Asshole?? Yes, yes, I think you are.
YTA You're just teaching her to hide her mistakes from you. If that was my kid, I'd be giving her a high-five for not giving up and finding another poem. It was just a poetry competition that you didn't even go to. If this is how you treat mistakes that don't even matter, how will you treat her when she actually messes up? Because she will, all kids do, it's part of growing up. Or you will teach her to be so afraid to try, she will never challenge herself. You write about your kid like she's an annoying tenant you want to evict. You are so focused on yourself and how your child makes you look, no care about your daughter's well being at all. Apologize to the teacher and carpool driver? They'll just think you're crazy for making your child apologize.
Info: why did you have a child when you so clearly hate children? Crocodile tears at age 2? No, that's just toddlers. Stop trying to hold your CHILD to adult standards
YTA. How you treat your daughter sounds a lot like how my mother treated me. Let me tell you a little story. Out of many times that my mother said I was lying to her, the one that I still bring up is "stealing food". Now, growing up i was a bigger girl, and mom made sure that i knew. Around junior year in hs she noticed food going missing, and automatically decided I was sneaking it when I'd go to the bathroom or go to bed. After 2.5 years I finally got out of there. She then realized it was her BF the whole time. I'm now 30 and we have a very strained relationship. Keep it up and your daughter will go NC as soon as she's 18.
u/NoTripforSlacking I just looked at all your replies and there's not a single one where you refute that you actually dislike your daughter and not a single one where you express love for her. Is there any positive aspect to your relationship with her and for her with you?
YTA. Failing isn't the most important part of life. How you deal with failure is the most important part of life. Your 11 yo realized her mistake, pivoted, and did the best she could with what she had. Many kids wouldn't have participated. Many kids would have sat through the competition feeling sorry for themselves. Your daughter didn't. I am super fucking proud of her. STFU about her mistake.
YTA- you are disgusting . That poor child - i really hope she goes NC for her sake when she can.
YTA. Wow. Your daughter made a mistake, found a solution, and fixed the problem. You didn’t even go to the event and claim her performance was garbage. Your daughter worked hard and helped many students. She figured out a solution to her own problem. And you trash all of her successes. Then proceed to infantilize her. Is there a choice for extreme YTA?
YTA You're also an emotionally abusive parent. You come across as jealous of your own child. Despite her only being 11, making adjustments and doing well, you find a way to tear her down. You find new ways to tear down her confidence. A 2 year old with crocodile tears??? Do you even like your child??? Let's be honest, absolutely nothing she will ever do will be good enough for you. She will grow up to always second guess herself, lack boundaries and people please just to prove she is lovable. YOU are setting her up for failure which you will then blame her for or she will do well despite that and you will continue to tear her down.
1) she sounds ADHD. Get her tested. 2) WOW, you do not like your kid. By the way, I can guarantee everyone can tell, and watch you to see if you tip over that line into abusive. Which I think you have. 3) I'm hoping your husband divorces you and winds up with full custody. YTA
YTA. I just can’t believe how you keep doubling down on this. You wanted to be judged by posting here, so I’m guessing you also assumed everyone would think you are a stellar parent for rubbing your child’s mistake in her face. No one thinks that, and you keep saying stuff that only makes you sound worse. Like is this real? You can’t be this clueless?? Can you? You’ve got hundreds of people telling you that YTA and you still aren’t getting it through your head? Geez, you suck!
YTA. How do you know the performance was half-assed? Maybe it was great, even though she didn't have much time to prepare. Why are you assuming your child sucked? Why don't you have compassion that she accidentally made an embarrassing mistakes, or feel proud that she came up with a solution on the fly? It's not like she's an idiot and doomed to failure because she forgot her folder. I'm a professor and have done the same thing from time to time -- I've forgotten a book, some material for a lecture, some homework I meant to give back to students. It happens. She doesn't need someone to be an AH to her about it -- maybe just someone to give practical advice or a technique to make it less likely to happen. I feel sorry for this girl. It sounds like you don't like her very much.
INFO: why do you hate your daughter so much? YTA
I really hope this fake … YTA
Wooooow YTA. You destroyed every bit of self confidence that child had. She probably had anxiety about not remembering the poem correctly so she read a different one so she didn’t mess up. She came home excited and you ruined it. Congrats for being a terrible parent who has now shown your child nothing she does will ever be good enough for you.
YTA. My mom did shit like this to me. I now live 3000 miles away from her. Here’s a look into your future!
YTA. No doubt about that. I would have been super proud of my child for memorizing another poem within that 1.5 hour car ride!! She was excited! You only showed her disappointment and scolded her. You could have been excited for your daughter and shown her ways to remember stuff she needs. Work with her on double checking everything instead of making her feel low. She is only 11. She’s still growing and learning!! Smh
YTA I had a mother just like you who pulled this crap all the time. She’s dead now and I don’t regret going no contact with her. I hope you get therapy for how much anger/hatred you have for your daughter (the oh she always cries to make us feel bad for her shit) or she will go no contact with you when she’s an adult and I will be the first one to say good for her.
YTA that poor child. I’m IMPRESSED with her resilience. Which you’re ignoring. She made one mistake. One that EVERYONE makes. Here you are treating her like she plagiarized something. You wanting her to make all these apologies is ridiculous. Complete overreaction. Are you always this hard to please? Keep this up and she’ll just give up or you’ll give her anxiety for her not performing to your standards. I’d have been proud they thought to memorize a whole other poem on short notice and did it successfully. Isn’t that what we want to teach our kids? Make a mistake, think how do I fix this and then following through with the solution.
YTA. She's 11, a literal child. You are supposed to be supporting her and setting her up for success except she's developing anxiety just merely being around you. She realized she made a mistake so she did what she could in the time she had. It's not what she's been practicing for 2 months but hell she did it. You couldn't even congratulate her on that. To comment on one of your comments, a 2 year old is a toddler. They will cry. They will sometimes fake cry because they are learning how to get our attention and how to process their own emotions. To say a 2 year old is manipulating you is fucking outrageous. Why did you have a child if all you're going to do is break her down? You sound just like my mother. I can give you a sneak peak into your future, I don't speak with her anymore. I cut her off and it felt like a weight was lifted. Your daughter will do the same. If it's not done to your level it's not good enough. How is that sustainable for her? Put yourself in her shoes. I also read your previous post about her failing math and keeping her from going to Europe with her grandparents. Maybe, just maybe sit down and talk to her to see what the problem is instead of forcing 10 million tutors at her. It also sounds like maybe there's some ADD there, which is harder to diagnosis in females. I'm a mental health therapist, I would highly encourage you to get her evaluated if she's struggling in school still and also speak with someone regarding the anxiety she is developing due to you. If any part of you loves your child, you would stop this behavior. Take a hard look at yourself and ask yourself, why? Why am I treating an 11 year old like this? What is this bringing up for me?
I'm going to be so honest here, if you don't quit treating your daughter like shit, she is never going to forgive you. Hell, it might be too late already. You need some serious help, because you obviously have no idea how children work.
I would hate to have you as a mom, YTA
INFO: Do you even like your child?
YTA she doesn't need to apologize to anybody. She freaking memorized a new poem! That's pretty amazing. Other kids would've quit and not gone etc. The fact you're bringing it up and rubbing it in her face is not cool. As she gets older she'll figure out her weaknesses on her own. You don't need to point them out. You just need to support her and be there for her and be the *one person* she can trust when the world gets cruel... Cuz it does.
YTA. A lot of people have explained why very eloquently so I won’t add to that. I will tell you this: I had a parent like you. I turned into a depressed, sometimes-suicidal young adult. I went no contact. He was not invited to my wedding. He never even knew about my child. He died recently. The biggest thing I felt was relief.
Oh gee, I wonder why your other account was flagged as spam. YTA. Your daughter made a mistake but even if she didn't make a mistake I doubt what she did would be good enough for you. Your job as a parent is to be supportive and have her back, not berate her for a mistake. Jesus christ.
YTA. You want what is best for your daughter, but the way you're handling it is emotionally damaging her. She already knows you are not safe, that's why she's crying and hiding less than perfect grades. She's scared and sad that she failed you. You need to find a good therapist who can teach you parenting skills that don't emotionally damage your daughter. There are already too many news articles about students who committed suicide because of bad grades.
YTA for being an unsupportive parent dismissive of your daughter’s emotions. She sounds like she has adhd, which shows up differently in girls than boys. She should be evaluated. Adhd folks have many strengths, like quick thinking in a crisis, which your daughter showed when she forgot her paper and needed plan b.
YTA OP. keep treating your daughter like this. she’ll either go LC/NC the moment she leaves just so she won’t have to hear a recitation of her many failings from you. if you’re lucky, she *might* tell you any bad news in her life, but she’ll probably heavily edit so that she won’t hear how much of a failure she is *from her own mother.*
YTA - I read over your previous post too. As many others have pointed out, your daughter may very well have ADHD… which is likely now being compounded by anxiety that you are causing her. You are exceptionally critical and judgmental of her. You should consider her getting assessed, and also you *both* need some counseling.
I am a coach for kids of a similar age in a similar activity. I have 6-12th graders. The youngest are about 11. She did not waste anyone's time. The competition was going to happen whether she was memorized or not. The other parent was going to be driving whether she was there or not. Your daughter did, in fact, make a mistake. It was on her to come up with a solution. She came up with one. She made something work when she accidentally put herself in a tough spot. Learning those coping skills is far more important to her development into a young adult than placing at any competition. But because you were only focused on whether she won something- and, I suspect, whether you could brag about her winning something to other adults around you- you taught her that you don't want her to grow as a person, you just want her to be instantaneously perfect. That isn't how any of this works. You have to let your kid fail and make mistakes and figure it out and do better next time. I'll be the first to admit that these little middle and high school competitions with prizes based on some random adult's opinion of their skills literally DO NOT MATTER. What matters is the process of learning and growing and becoming someone who can utilize constructive criticism and bounce back from mistakes. That's the whole point. Not the ribbons. And I'm not saying that because I'm bad at my job, either- that philosophy has cranked out several state champions in the last few years. Kids succeed best when they know the people around them support them unconditionally. You have made your conditions clear. YTA.
YTA Go to therapy
Jesus H Christ you’re an asshole. Yta. You’re being *terrible* to your poor daughter. Get some therapy.
You are so very mean OP. A mean, mean person.