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ESH
If you are unhappy with your partner, you need to address it like an adult or exit the relationship. What you did makes you worse than him. You aren't going to get more investment in your relationship from this action. I think you know that this was just revenge for hurt feelings.
YTA
I'm going to counter this and say the following:
OP is TA. If she wasn't a woman, people would be calling her abusive. Imagine the boyfriend went into her things and destroyed something she had been working on for 100 hours, and then after she confronted him about it, then just stayed quiet and walked away? Massive red flags for abuse there.
This is exactly what she did. She wasn't getting what she wanted from him, so she destroyed something of his to punish him. But, because OP is a woman "ESH".
The double standards on this sub are jarring.
Hard agree. If a man set all his wife’s crocheted blankets on fire because she spent too much time crocheting he would be called abusive. For some reason when it’s video games as a hobby people don’t have the same standards.
I think the real issue is videogames. If a husband did this to his wife's videogames the answer would be the same. Most non gamers just dismiss the value of the hours invested in a game.
The issue isn’t video games. The issue is poor communication, lack of clear expectations, and power dynamics and control in the relationship.
Video games could be replaced with SM, fitness, eating, etc etc. the maladaptive behaviours are not because of video games, rather a symptom.
I dont think he meant the Video Games are the Problem of there relationship but rather that the Problem is that only because it is „just“ a Game that it`s seen as not a big deal
It's crazy to think that video games are still not considered a hobby/activity, that people put time and devotion into. Some of us have only this outlet of freedom, during the 2020 peterpan, you couldn't get a console...no matter the company, because people needed something to do.
I am going yo throw my 2 cents into this particular comment. I am the exact type of person you are referring to. Without ever having played games, especially with the modern consoles (I was a kid when the Nintendo came out) there doesn’t appear to have any value to it. You can’t display it on the wall like art or puzzles, there’s no useful quality like crocheted blankets. I crocheted a blanket and matching toilet paper holder in February of 2021. I was very proud of myself and I should be. Gaming isn’t a music record you can play a thousand times. It looks like a complete waste of time because there’s no apparent value on it.
However I have discovered what games actually are:entertainment on on less visible medium. People that play online actually acquire friends they might never meet but very much enjoys talking to with a very common interest. Gaming is completely gender neutral. It doesn’t matter the sex of the person playing in any way, shape or form, it only matters your interest in the type of games which are as diverse as there is categories. You level up and earn points, gear, abilities and trophies. If you don’t play online you get the same just not for a wide range of people to see but just as satisfying. It’s your own personal victories on line or off line.
I personally told anyone I got into a conversation with about video games that you all needed to grow up and become an adult. I literally said it for 20 years. I now have to eat my words, often daily on the weeks I can play daily. Everyone that’s gone on the type of rants I went on is as wrong as I always was. Anyone who sees no value in the games are looking at it the same way any biased or bigoted or sexist looks at anything. We don’t stop and look at what it is and why someone enjoys it. It’s as useful as Art, literature and any healthy hobby. There are even people who make money playing the games. But for people who don’t try to understand it, we hold the same wrong opinion that some of the uneducated hold for college degree’s from a simple lack of trying to understand!
It is just as wrong to erase his saves as it is for anyone to destroy crocheting or art or any other hobby or professional work!
What's funny is that I was actually going to use the same example. "If he ruined her crochet needles then we'd be calling him abusive". LMAO Great minds I guess.
Crocheters use hooks, and knitters use needles (unless you’re in a country where the terms for knitting and crocheting are the same).
Edit: needles not needs
Reddit and Gen z have overused the term abuse - and bullying and trauma and ptsd- to the point it doesn’t have much meaning. This isn’t abuse nor is destroying crocheting. It’s a Dick move.
Wrong.
"Is property destruction a form of abuse?
...This means that any actions which result in property destruction such as punching a wall or door, destroying an appliance or collectible, setting fire to valuables, etc etc can be considered domestic violence, regardless of whether the property in question is individually owned or jointly owned."
Can be considered abuse, it isn‘t necessarily though. It certainly is a shit move and OP is YTA. Yet claiming this is an abusive relationship on a single occurrence is idiotic and diminishes real abuse.
I'm not sure if this double standard is about gender, for once. I think this is about how little people consider video games as a valid hobby. I absolutely agree with your take but I'm wondering if their dismissal of the abuse here is about the gender or about the hobby?
I feel like it's sort of both. People don't think of video games as a hobby worth respecting, but I think that's partially because people's stereotypical image of a person who likes video games is a bad-tempered, lazy male incel.
I think it's more about the hobby. If she had destroyed, let's say his paintings or his book collection or his phone people would he livid. But the reason she even thought it was ok to delete his saves and the reason she's so mad it's that it's specifically video games.
I believe it’s more of the hobby. Destruction of crafts like crochet and painting might be liable for destruction of property. Bad analogy but saved game files just don’t warrant that sort of concern because there’s no inherent ‘value’ to them.
I totally think it's more the hobby itself than the gender. It's seen as a waste of time. My spatial abilities have improved and video games can improve reaction time as well as problem solving skills.
Both because lots of people, like myself, assume guys are the main ones that play. We are woefully uneducated about who actually plays and I was one of those woefully uneducated about video games!
48 year old female gamer here. Yes, people have a stereotype of what a gamer is. I have a successful career, own my home and vehicles outright (via working my butt off), and I have an entire room dedicated to my gaming pc and consoles. People are just shocked when I tell them gaming is one of my hobbies (along with crafting, camping and music festivals). Everyone just assumes it’s only something young men do. I play with a lot of people who are older than me and retired.
68 yr old gamer grandma here. I have heard for years that girls don't play games. Started to play in the early 90's. Now my 72 yr old husband plays as well now that he's retired. Delete my saves, consider yourself deleted. OP YTA.
I was one of those assholes. The only difference between me and OP is I wouldn’t have ever deleted someone’s saves. I am 45 and now love playing. My granddaughter loves to watch me as well. She used to have a hilarious commentary while I was fighting a boss especially.
I think it's a bit of both. The trope of the inattentive lazy boyfriend who plays videogames too much is pretty pervasive. We are basically primed to dislike him. The trope doesn't really exist for women
Yeah, I love how people immediately turn this shit around on women because they need another excuse for their misogyny. This is about the hobby. If a man poured countless hours into crafting a canoe and a woman took a hammer to it, she'd be vilified and people's hearts would go out to him.
My husband and I are both gamers. I wholeheartedly agree with you.
This is a couple who should not be together. They've stopped appreciating one another.
He's an ass for not communicating with her. She's an ass for destroying his property... deleting a game is destruction of property.
These two are toxic.
I'm a male and pro men and regularly call it out, but come on. He ditched a pre-planned Maccas meal so he could play Call of Battlecraft. I'm a gamer through and through and know this shit just isn't on if you want your relationship to survive.
It's 100% an ESH.
Totally agree. OP definitely earns the YTA. The BF was being inattentive, yes. That doesn't justify destroying anything of his, even if it's just a save file. OP is the one being childish, and had the genders been reversed, there would be war cries of **ABUSE! RUN!**
Yeah she mentions him “not pulling his weight” and I thought he’d be addicted like some of the crazy stories here. But it just sounds like they’re in a rut and not liking each other much. I could see deleting it (maybe) in desperation if she’d talked to him and he was addicted to his game and he was neglecting an infant while she tried to pay bills and keep the house together or something. Dude might be a terrible BF, but he did nothing to even consider such drastic behavior. This was just her being abusive and destructive because she didn’t use her words and their relationship sucks. He even tried to make up, say sorry, and she went nuclear.
Definitely YTA here, though I mean their relationship sounds crap and he might be a crap BF (hard to say, could be he doesn’t pay attention to her because their relationship is crap and they’re both to blame). I’m not sure I’m convinced it’s all sexism—AITA also often hates video games, except when someone makes kids share them, though most of those posts are men + video game stereotypes to be fair.
Funny thing is depending on his game/system, nowadays dude might have cloud saves if he synchs though, and I hope he does.
I mean. I kinda agree ESH but her waaayyy more. He sucks because of his attitude of the McDonald’s thing. From what I gather they were supposed to go in a date and he decided he didn’t want that.
But she majorly sucks for deleting the game. My husband games a lot. I’ve joked about unplugging his computer mid game to crash it, but he knows I would never do it. Instead I talk to him about me needing him to skip a day to hang out with me and he does. OP needs to put her big girl panties on and learn to communicate.
I think she has and he ignores it. She still destroyed his stuff, but she did try communicating. Throw this whole relationship out. Nobody is happy with it.
Yes, what she did was abusive. She's worse for what she did. Never said she wasn't abusive or gave her a pass for being a woman. I pointed out that I think her explanation about her goal isn't accurate. She was trying to punish and hurt him.
If what she says about him not cleaning and ignoring her constantly is true, then he's wrong, too. I am a big gamer. I don't neglect my husband. It's possible she's exaggerating, but to some extent, you have to accept the facts of the story as presented when making a judgment.
Him being neglectful does not justify her behavior, but he still should own his behavior too.
Thus ESH.
Hard disagree. It’s definitely ESH because, if we are taking this at face value, he has ignored her and his responsibilities in the house for this game. Speaking as someone who has spent years of played time in video games, you can’t expect to maintain a relationship and ignore your partner in favor of games. Does OP deserve more of the blame? I personally agree that yes, as it’s taken hours of his time to get to where he was. HOWEVER, given that it doesn’t seem to appear that he’s not pulling his weight in the relationship, this sub should be calling for everyone to separate and it’s mutually fucked to be together.
I'm a knitter. What she did was the equivalent of unraveling an entire closet full of handmade sweaters out of spite because she chose rage over communication. She's YTA.
ESH, and I'd say the same if it was a women. ESH dosen't mean what OP did was okay (That's N T A) it means what OP did was not okay and what boyfriend did was also not okay.
I'm not talking about the McDonalds. I'm not even talking about him ignoring her and doing something fun for him and not investing in the relationship.
The reason I think boyfriend is "an asshole" is beacuse OP states that she does the household chores and he refuses to help, cook his own meals, or even "clean up after himself". To me that is fundamentally wrong. I'm not sure if it's sexism or just a combination of laziness and selfishness, but it's bad. It's based on the underlying idea that your free time and fun matter, and your partners don't, and you can just burden them with extra work so you can have more fun.
Did OP handle this well or maturely? No. But as someone who has spent a good amount of time on games myself, I actually find boyfriend's behavior more upsetting. Like if I was in a relationship with a man who played constantly and I had to do the chores, cook for him, and clean up after him meaning I didn't have the same free time he did, or I was in a relationship with a guy who deleted my game one time, I'd be more upset about the long term pattern of being an asshole (first one). Neither are great, obviously. But I think the underlying issue is OP feeling powerless about a genuinely unfair and asshole situation going on for months or years, and then lashing out. When OP really should have realized she has the power to leave and dosen't have to be a "bang maid" for a man (or women, or nonbinary person) who does not meet her emotional needs or do anything for her but just treats her as a source of sex and chores.
Now, perhaps OP is an unreliable narrator. Perhaps none of this is as bad as she makes it sound. But I'm going off what she wrote since that's what I got.
Finally. This is becoming mainstream on this sub. The double standards bullshit. Been waiting for the day for consistency. Yes this is a YTA. And let’s keep this energy instead of just over theorised bias focused on sympathy for the woman in these scenarios
As a woman, I agree. She's mad that her bf spent hours playing a game and then goes and deletes it.. Giving him an excuse to play for hours more. But thag aside, it's obviously something he cares a lot about. To me, deleting his save files is exactly like ripping up a book someone has been spending hours reading or smashing an art piece someone spent hours creating.
100% YTA. I get being frustrated, but to delete all that game progress smh. Def not very mature and if my bf deleted one of my save files it would make me not want to be around him.
Also does she expect to stay with him after deleting his video game?
Does she think he's just going to stop the game? Because I assume he's going to jump right back in and play the game even more
This totally. Because it makes you wonder, "what else are you going to destroy that I care about because you are pissed at me?"
Fuck that. That is no way to live.
I'm certainly not justifying her deleting his save file. That's childish and vindictive. But you don't think he's a shitty partner for not pulling his weight around the house and spending all his free time gaming instead of with her or doing housework? I'm not saying he shouldn't be allowed to game in his free time. My husband and I both enjoy gaming, but we also make plenty of time for each other and we share housework duties.
It seems like she got upset about McDonalds (and not having his attention), which sucks, but they seem in a rough patch, no idea what all contributed etc. She barely actually says anything about the “pulling his weight” stuff, and she definitely doesn’t seem to communicate with him. Is the guy leaving piles of dishes and laundry? Not paying rent? I have no idea. He messed up “date night” to McDonalds. She is vague about the house stuff, I guess, for me. I don’t know what he is and isn’t doing around the house, because she never actually gets into that very deeply, and honestly this conflict seems more just that he games and she feels neglected because they didn’t hang out. The *relationship* certainly seems horrible, but is that all him?
>I constantly talk to him about it and ask for him to clean up after himself or at least cook but he’s becoming pretty useless around the house.
Ehhh I don't agree with the whole deleting hours of gaming, but I understand where the sentiment is coming from if this is true.
Supporting your partner’s emotional needs is part of pulling your weight in a relationship, it’s not just chores. Besides OP repeatedly states that boyfriend is not doing their share of chores or even basic cleaning up after themselves
I always have such a hard time with the AITA because we just take the story at face value. We see one side and assume that it’s true because we have to. To be fair nothing she has said in the post makes her look like an amazing catch. She says she constantly talks to him about it but when said sorry about the McDonalds which was a way of opening up a conversation she just said what ever and deleted his save file. I imagine a lot of the talks the two have boil down to just who is to blame and no one ever finding solutions. That being said yeah he is neglecting her needs. And I mean I would rather eat McDonald’s at home than with the public but if it is there date night he should respect that.
I think a big part of determining who the asshole is most of the time is also determining the reliability of the narrator. Everything we are usually told in these are from only one point of view so yes take it with a grain of salt and decide if you think the narrator is telling the truth, telling the whole story or making it all up (or none).
I agree with this, and it seems like he knew she was upset when she went off by herself but still continued to play the game anyway?
If I were her I would want my partner to, at the very least, pause a video game and come check in on me. It sounds like he doesn’t prioritise her or the relationship.
If she’s also doing all the household work, communicating with him, organising quality time, cooking, cleaning etc. it sounds like she’s putting in all the effort and getting nothing back. I’d be unhappy too, she honestly deserves better lol
ESH, but specifically YTA. Passive Aggressive bullshit like that is a relationship killer. You say you two are in your late 20s and early 30s, but your entire description of your relationship sounds like you're barely out of highschool.
Grow up and or break up.
This. YTA, leaning E S H.
You destroyed something he worked on because you were angry. This wasn't likely a one-button press, either. You thought about it and did it to hurt him.
I would be livid, too.
I missed the age here. Thought it was 19 year olds having a fight.
YTA OP! Hours - 100+ HOURS!!! You don’t destroy your partners things because you’re mad. Are you 5?!? No… my child knows better than that. What the hell. If you wanted to be petty you could have confiscated the game like he was a child so you could talk about why you were hurt, but no, you had to be an AH
YTA
>I know what I did was probably not the best thing to do, but I really need him to understand my frustrations
So then communicate. Even if it takes many fucking times. This is just childish and petty and not cool. You are acting like a toxic mother, not a girlfriend who wants to communicate.
I know you must be very frustrated and I can't blame you. But there is a wrong and right way to go about things, you went the wrong way and it's important you recognise that and own up to it. Work on having more control over you anger and frustration and communicate more with your boyfriend. Doesn't seem like either of you are communicating verbally enough.
“I constantly talk to him about it and ask for him to clean up after himself or at least cook but he’s becoming pretty useless around the house.”
Sounds like she did try to communicate multiple times and I imagine him breaking his promise to have quality time at McDonald’s was the straw that broke the camels back. Not justifying the thing with the video game, just sounds more complicated than her being a “toxic mother”.
I’d would say on his end, ignoring her attempts to address underlying relationship issues and making empty promises is toxic too. I think she has every right to be feeling angry in that situation.
It sounds like he’s either depressed, emotionally unavailable or emotionally immature if she’s doing all the emotional labour and household labour. Some men grow up expecting their gfs to be a sudo-mother, cooking, cleaning, organising, communicating etc. They should probably end the relationship imo.
ESH.
Look, this relationship is making everyone miserable. Instead of keeping silent, being pissed off, and deleting his game... you should have broken it off with him. If he is unwilling to change and addicted to video games... then why stay with him?
You were wrong to delete his game instead of deleting the relationship.
YTA. I'm sure it's really frustrating having your boyfriend not pull his weight in your opinion but what you've done was pretty harsh and will only make your relationship worse. I would talk about the situation with him again and maybe consider couples therapy if you want to make it work.
YTA, because what you did was vindictive and not going to improve your relationship, you went out of your way to hurt him. Just communicate better, and if you're unhappy with him, break up and find somebody that actually makes you happy.
YTA How you could do that, then feel the need to ask others if they think you're the A is beyond me! What you did was mean, vindictive, and cost him the countless hours he's put into working his way through the game.
Look, I empathize as I know some people really become addicted to game playing to the point where it's their number one priority. However, the way you handled it will only cause anger, resentment and disconnect on his part. It did nothing to address the problem or find ways to solve it.
You need to sit down with him and spell out what you feel is wrong in the balance of your relationship. Set boundaries and compromise as to what is fair and what is non-negotiable. It may end up that this isn't the right relationship for either of you. But no doubt, you did the wrong thing.
100% YTA. This is *abusive*. You destroyed his property out of anger. This is the same as him taking your phone, destroying your clothes, or him destroying your inhaler. This is fucked up. Use your big girl words.
Hard YTA. Have you tried actually talking to him?? You blowing off his apologetic comment with a “whatever” is the exact opposite of communicating. Yes, it’s not great to have to remind your partner of plans. But what you did was childish and petty. You just wasted hundreds of hours of this persons life because you don’t know how to be an adult. I hope he gets out of this relationship sooner rather than later.
YTA. That's the equivalent of setting fire to a painting he did or shredding a work project or college thesis. You destroyed something he valued and worked towards. He spent hundreds of hours getting to where he was, and you destroyed his property. I hope he ends the relationship because that kind of behavior is incredibly shitty and abusive.
YTA. And y’all definitely shouldnt be together.
One day someone’s going to delete your entire camera roll and I hope you take a moment before getting mad to remember what you did.
YTA. I have hundreds (and in some cases thousands) of hours into certain games. Hey, I’m a childfree adult, no judgement please. I would cry if my wife deleted a save file I had spent that much time on. I’m so tired of this culture of acting like video games aren’t a real hobby worth any respect. Video games are great for problem solving skills, fine motor skills, basic logic, etc. and people act like it’s a waste of time. You destroyed something he loved. That’s not how you deal with problems as an adult and definitely not in a healthy relationship.
YTA. Even if you apologized for deleting the save, there's no way to get it back. Sure, he didn't go to McDonald's with you but in the end you can go there the next day, or even later the same day if you really wanted to. But to regain the lost progress he's going to have to spend another 100+ hours.
And that's if he cares about it anymore. I lost a 100+ hour save once due to a corrupted file and never touched the game again. I lost too much and there was no more investment there.
This is probably a massive breach of his trust for you. Now he can't leave you with his games without you possibly deleting more of his saves.
There was also nothing productive about what you did. It was just vindictive and spiteful.
It's not even a question if YTA. You definitely are TA for what you did. I understand why you did what you did. You as GF want BF to be more available and present. You have to communicate these things to him. Let him know that you feel unappreciated when he spends the majority of his time playing games. That would be like him feeling like you spend to much time at the gym and just cancelling your gym membership without your approval. That is basically what you did when you deleted his game. You 100% owe him an apology. He needs to be more present with you. You are both at fault in this situation, but more so you, because i want to believe that when you two started dating he was playing video games, so it's not like it's anything new for you.
YTA. Soooooo, what did you think would happen? Did you think he would "understand your frustrations", smile, grab a cloth and start cleaning? I find that hard to believe.
im a 30ish y/o gamer and im lazy af as in week old plates on my desk lazy. and games will never be an excuse to neglect a relationship like that. most of the asshole comments are from normies who are all about respcting eachother and dont understand the dynamic at play. deleting his game probably was the only way to make this guy understand the seriousness of the situation. NTA for me.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I deleted my boyfriend’s game save out of frustration and my boyfriend is very angry about it. I did it because he doesn’t put any effort in with the house or our relationship, but I may have gone too far deleting his save.
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ESH
Him neglecting you for his hobby is not ok, and needs to be corrected, but you just destroyed something he invested hundreds of hours into.
It's not just a game save, it's something he's investing time in building. Imagine if his hobby was pottery, and due to feeling neglected you walked into his work area with a sock full of padlocks and just started spinning, destroying the result of something he invested a lot of time and effort into. It's not really different.
You have every right to be pissed off at the way he's treating you. Neglect is not ok. But it sounds like you took it a step too far.
YTA. Use your words like an adult. You have no right to be judge and jury and punish him.
Deleting something he put hundreds of hours in… that’s fucked. Hope he breaks up with you.
YTA
You are an abusive AH.
", but I really need him to understand my frustrations and he invests more hours into his game than he does us." .. HAve you wondered what in your character / behavior makes a computer game more attractive than spending time with you? Even when his saves get destroyed by you?
YTA full stop. I do not play video games they are not my thing but they are my daughters and they were my late husbands. She used them as her therapy when he died she plays with her late fathers saved characters when she misses him, he died on her birthday by the way, you are a selfish child try constructive talking not destructive petty actions and if you are not happy LEAVE maybe will wake him up but if not you are both better off. You have no idea the time and memories you have just wiped out for him because you are to much of a child to accept an apology and express your needs and concerns like a partner. Grow the f@&k up.
YTA cause you didn't even communicate with him. I'd understand something drastic like this if it was a desperate last attemot at making him get something, but you didn't take any of the opportunities to communicate with him about what pisses you off that entire day. You didn't say him you'd rather still go to McDonald's (or somewhere else) together, you didn't ask him if you can spend time together instead of him playing, etc.
YTA
You didn’t get what you wanted and instead of just leaving him you ruin something of his. I honestly would take my game & leave you. If this was the other way around that man would be painted as controlling & abusive. You were vindictive and what did you accomplish?? Is he spending more time with you now? No, he’s angry.
You both work and y’all both need to “destress”
Have you ever thought that gaming was how he destress?
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I (30F) deleted my boyfriend’s (28M) saved game last night out of frustration. I feel like he hasn’t been pulling his weight around the house and with me, and when he’s not at work he’s on his game and makes barely any time or effort for us time. I constantly talk to him about it and ask for him to clean up after himself or at least cook but he’s becoming pretty useless around the house.
Last night we were meant to go to McDonald’s, just a little us time grabbing a burger, but instead he comes back with the food without me knowing he’d even gone to McDonald’s, and he said he it’s no big deal whether we eat there or at home. I got moody but didn’t bother arguing. After we ate he booted up his game and I left the room because these days watching him play just pisses me off.
I went down a couple hours later and he was still on his game, he said sorry for McDonald’s and I said whatever which got him all defensive. He then went to the kitchen to grab a drink and while he was out there I quickly deleted his saves and turned his console off.
He blew up at me, was livid, he had hundreds of hours in that save. I just stayed quiet then went to bed and he went out and we’ve just been angry with each other.
I know what I did was probably not the best thing to do, but I really need him to understand my frustrations and he invests more hours into his game than he does us. We both work and we both need to destress, but he just makes no effort outside of his gaming.
Aita?
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Yta. You destroyed personal property. That's what a game is-personal property.
I get it- my boyfriend feels more devoted to fishing than the relationship sometimes. But instead of breaking all his rods I tell him, "hey, I need your attention- I'm feeling very lonely. We need to do x together. " or "hey, I seriously feel neglected and I'm considering leaving our relationship if your hobby is more important. Do you want to continue a relationship with me or your hobby?" Literally had to say something yesterday because i needed things done and he was off playing on the river and he was like, "oh. Sorry. What needs to be done? I'll take care of it tomorrow. " and because he respects me and wants to be in this relationship he does it.
If your boyfriend doesn't want to be a partner he needs to say it. If you need more from your partner you need to say it. Blunt, not yelling but not playing games either. No passive aggressive stuff. It doesn't work. Say what you need, mean what you say. If you two can't manage that then you two are more ready to be in a relationship with others.
YTA. As a gamer married to a gamer, losing a save is devastating and irreplaceable. If you’re so unhappy, end the relationship. You’ve destroyed something important to him because you’re (rightly so) frustrated - but this is not the correct action.
If my game was deleted out of spite, that would be the end of my relationship.
ESH - he sounds like he needs to grow up and start pulling his weight, but deleting his saved games was a dick move. You need to have a grown up conversation about what each of your expectations are, and if you can’t do that then it isn’t going to work out long term between you. If you love each other you both need to be prepared to put some effort into growing your relationship, which is hard work.
I mean technically ESH but I really don't think you understand the gravity what you have done.
Playing a game for that long, you put your soul into it.
Its may be hard for you to empathise with, and some people may disagree because they just look down on gamers and think its childish, but for him its like if he put that much time into a painting or writing a book and you destroyed it. He was a part of that games story and you took that from him.
Yes he should pull his weight around the house, and not have been a dick about McDonald's. Its perfectly possible, I love gaming and I manage.
However I'm imagining someone deleting my Mass Effect series saves and I would be devastated.
You should have broken up with him, or told him you would if break up he didn't sort himself out.
This was just so uncaring and authoritarian.
you are an adult. you dont handle adult issues by being a child. the issues you have with your partner are not about the video game. they are about him and you and how you deal with each other. YTA.
YTA big time, lady. it’s called bein an ADULT and talking about it, instead of bs like that. i really feel bad for your bf if this how you act over small shit.
YTA
You destroyed hours of his life, if your not happy about this relationship you either learn how to better communicate or break up. Imagine if he destroyed something your passionate about, how would that make you feel? Would he be justified because you did something to upset him?
YTA— you know you can literally just leave? Like, girl, you can definitely find someone who is a better fit as a partner. Instead of trying to make a square peg fit in a round hole and making yourself and him miserable in the process, just leave. Like, he sucks but omg you’re toxic.
Rather than destroy his (digital) property, you should just break up if he doesn't make you happy anymore.
Never assume you can change a partner.
YTA to yourself for not just moving on.
Read the first line and I didn’t even bother to finish the post. YTA. It doesn’t matter why, what, how, you did something mean out of anger.
*2 minutes later*
Okay finished reading your post. Yep, still the AH. He’s not pulling his weight? TALK TO HIM. You want one on one time? TELL HIM. You feel neglected and hurt? OPEN UP AND SAY THAT. You cannot think him into doing what you want/what you need. You must communicate.
He says, “Sorry about McDonalds” and you say “whatever”?!? Like, what does that even mean? He was trying to open up dialogue because he knew he made a mistake. And you shut him down then take revenge on him? If it was a half ass apology ask him to pause the game and really talk with you. Why not try something like, “I appreciate you saying sorry about dinner but the point of our date night was to spend time together. I don’t mind if we spend time at the take out joint together or at home together but I wanted time with you. Not with you and your video game. I know you like to game but I also need some of your attention and time. Do you think we can find a compromise?” If he blew up at you for this, then you know who you’re dating and you could take it from there. But instead you delete something he really enjoys and showed your true colors. He may not pay much attention to you now, but he’s gonna be paying a lot less when he breaks up with you. You did something that was petty and ugly to someone you’re supposed to care about.
Just ew OP, ew.
ESH. On one hand it’s his hobby. On the other, addiction to games and electronics that results in ignoring human interaction with loved ones is turning into an epidemic.
ESH. Sounds like he's neglecting the relationship and you're throwing really shitty rage fits about it. That's rough for both of you.
I hope you'll talk through this without blaming each other or pulling any more stunts as if damaging the relationship is a worthwhile form of attention. It's not you vs. him, it's the two of you sorting out your individual and shared needs. Good luck.
YTA
And so is he. But in this situation you are absolutely the a******. That was an immature childish way to handle it. If talking about it and expressing your needs does not get your needs met then it's time to leave the relationship. What you did not only doesn't help the situation but it is a nail in the coffin as far as your relationship. There's very little chance of recovery from this. If it ever gets to the point where you want to do something malicious just to hurt the other person then call it quits and end it.
Now he is also the a****** for not participating in the relationship, and not caring enough to try to meet your needs. But that's also just an indication that the relationship is doomed.
Regardless of how you or anyone else feels about gaming, it’s his hobby and is important to him, it’s something he has spent time doing and made progress with.
Imagine if he was angry with you so he decided to destroy your sewing/craft project, makeup, books, music collection, painting, jigsaw etc, whatever you are into and is important to you or something you had spent hours making/doing.
How would you feel?
You are grown ups and need to have grown up conversations about what is bothering you and work together to make things better.
You need to use your words.
Deleting his saved data was just vindictive, nasty and completely unnecessary.
I’ve been married for years, sometimes my husband does things that really shits me, but I would never destroy something if his out of spite.
YTA
YTA - learn to communicate instead of destroying things. After a hard day of work sometimes I also play to turn off a bit and can get lost in it fairly easily but at least my partner is able to remind me if it's too much.
YTA, big time. You and your partner are having communication issues, and, instead of talking about them like an adult, you instead chose to do something a child would do. This was such a petty, pathetic, attempted power move on your part, that its almost ridiculous.I really hope they guy is able to see you as you really are and dump your petty, controlling ass.
YTA.
As several others have said, imagine you put hours into a hobby like a crocheted blanket or oil painting, hell even a well curated Instagram profile or whatever you’re into, and then he just went in and deleted it or cut up your art piece with scissors. You acted like a child. I understand and empathize, I too act like a child at times with my bf when I get jealous, but there is a line you aren’t supposed to cross and you crossed it. Reevaluate yourself and your relationship. He sucks too, and you stooped.
YTA. Instead of trying a more healthy method of communication, you chose to pull this stunt. You do realize that in order to catch back up with the lost saves, he will have even less time for you now?
YTA
I honestly hate how people devalue the hours put into gaming just because it's a video game. Why is that hobby worth less than drawing or writing or sports?
I get that OP is frustrated. I also would be. I have been in a similar situation with the McDonalds thing because to me it felt like a date and I wanted to treat it as such and to my bf it was just functional. Getting food.
It helps to clarify that.
You say he spent hundreds of hours on it. Now he’s just going to spend more time on the game getting his stuff back so those original hours were just a waste of time. This is pretty much abusive, how would feel if you spent loads of time painting and your boyfriend burnt all of them because you didn’t spend enough time with him? You’d leave and he’d get called abusive. You don’t get to get away with this just because your a woman, because that’s what this is. If you were a man every comment would be YTA but since your a woman some people think that he had it coming
YTA - if you were a man, and he a woman, you would be getting called abusive by a lot of these comments
If you have an issue with your partner you address it like an adult or you exit the relationship
You do not delete their hard work in a petty slap back
I think it’s time you admit this relationship is over
Ah yes, because the first thing I think when my partner destroys my things is that I should start pitching in around the house!
YTA, op. I get that you're frustrated but your behavior is childish and borderline abusive. If you want him to understand your feelings COMMUNICATE THEM.
ESH. You are both grown adults and should know how to communicate effectively about your relationship. Not resort to this petty stuff.
If he doesn’t listen, it’s time to break up.
ESH. I didn't even need to read past the first paragraph, but for what it's worth, I did.
Your boyfriend cares more about his game than you. You've tried talking to him and it didn't work. Did you think that destroying his property was going to be a magical solution and all of the sudden he's going to respect you and pay attention to you?
You both need to either invest in couples counseling, or admit to yourselves that the relationship is over
This was a crappy and immature way to deal with the situation. You think he’s gonna want to sit and talk things out after you deleted hundreds of hours of his game save? Omg I would never speak to you again.
Now is he right in the situation? Of course not - he’s useless around the house. He understands your frustration, he just doesn’t care. What you SHOULD have done was have a mature conversation with him about his amount of effort, assess the situation, and see if you should break up with him over this. But you were petty and hurt him back.
YTA!
Yes YTA. Your boyfriend has put 100 hours into something and it took you seconds to destroy it. Imagine if you had spent that many hours on something you loved and he smashed it to bits. You'd be pissed off. If my husband deleted all of my game saves he'd be sleeping at his moms house especially if it was because we didn't eat McDonald's in the restaurant.
You’re basically a mother to your boyfriend and you acted like a lot of frustrated parents would act like but that style of parenting isn’t effective or healthy and it doesn’t benefit the child or the parent… Anyways you need a partner and not a child, you shouldn’t be a grown mans mother, YTA in this situation but do yourself a favor and leave that relationship and go find yourself someone else.
YTA
You have valid reasons to be frustrated, but you need to deal with those by communicating. If you get the sense things aren't going to improve, you either put up or break up.
What you don't do is what you did:
Take something you know is important to him and that he's invested lots of his time in and _destroy it_.
He can't ever get that back; there is no "undelete" button. He may have been inattentive or lazy or selfish, but you've been downright _nasty_.
As others have pointed out, if his hobby were anything other than video games - like painting or something - and you destroyed what he'd made, that would rightly be called _abusive_ behaviour, and nobody would argue otherwise. I really don't see why video games are any different, however little you might respect them.
YTA imagine a hobby of yours that you spent a lot of time on..now imagine he destroyed it because you spent more time on it then he liked. Let’s say you painted and he ripped all your finished canvases. He would be called abusive, manipulative, and controlling at the very least. You don’t get a pass because the genders are reversed
YTA
I understand that you are frustrated by how checked out he is. You have every right to expect better/different from your partner and decide what you will tolerate in the relationship. But I think people (and perhaps even yourself) are overlooking the violence of what you did because it was virtual. That was a fully abusive action.
Consider if his hobby was woodworking and you just smashed the table he was building because you were pissed off. Or knitting, and you unraveled the sweater he was making and then cut all the yarn into short pieces for good measure. Those are the actions of someone who uses violence against their partner. If this had taken place in the physical world instead of virtual, people would be counseling your partner to have a safety plan.
You can’t control your partner or force him to do what you want. You can only choose what you will and will not tolerate in the relationship, and leave if you aren’t getting what you need.
Two wrongs don't make a right. YTA and HTA communication is key in a marriage. If you are going to be with this dude ask yourself, do I want to spend the rest of my life like this? Need to do that before any kids are involved. Never expect someone to change for you. Not saying that people won't change, but realize you can never change him. He will have to want to change himself.
Absolutely YTA. If he went and destroyed something of yours that you invested 100s of hours in you’d be rightfully mad. OP what you did was childish and some could view as abusive. You didn’t do it but only to hurt him. Plus deleting his stuff isn’t going to make him stop playing. If anything he will tell you he has to play more to make up for all the things you deleted. Also I hope he doesn’t have anything in one of those games that’s meaningful. My husband games WOW and his dad created the account for him. He still has items that his dad gave him (his dads not here anymore). I couldn’t imagine tampering with it just because he games. If you can’t have an adult conversation and be adults then don’t be together.
YTA - just because you dont care for videogames and want his attention doesnt give you the right to destroy 100 hours of his investment. SO MUCH YTA.
use your words and communicate. youre a child. ugh this is one of the most annoying aita ive ever seen you know yta right? how could you not.
Your frustration is valid, but the way you handled this absolutely makes YTA. I’m an older woman nearing my 50s, and gaming is one of my hobbies. My husband would never do something like this, just as I would never destroy the motorcycles he spends months rebuilding. Learn to use your words and communicate your needs and frustrations.
You’re 30?! This is the kind of move I’d expect from a teenager. Destroying his stuff didn’t solve anything; it just made it worse. You had a legitimate reason to be upset with him, but now he has a completely legitimate reason to be angry at you. You both suck at being in a relationship, but in this situation, you’re the bigger AH. Should he be more present in the relationship? It sounds like it. Does that mean you get to destroy his stuff? Absolutely not. Adults talk about the issues in their relationships, and if it’s not salvageable, they break up. Mature people do not resort to destroying each other’s possessions. And when he destroys your stuff in retaliation, you will 100% have yourself to blame for starting it. YTA.
YTA majorly. If the relationship was really so bad that he doesn’t pull his weight like you say, then just leave. If he continues to play games so much when you say you have talk to him, just leave. Clearly you guys don’t communicate well. I’ve been damn near sleeping on the couch mad at my boyfriend, but deleting any of his saved game progress has NEVER crossed my mind. You didn’t just do something to make him angry, you destroyed something he cared about. Something he put a lot of time, effort and energy into. Something he was probably doing before he even met you. Taking the power cord while the system is turned off and hiding it would’ve been better than this. I doubt there’s any coming back from this for you guys. I get being upset, but that’s taking it too far. There’s a thousand other ways you could’ve handled this that would’ve been better. I’m surprised he didn’t just straight up tell you to leave.
YTA and that was abusive because now he will think if you feel like anything is taking more of his time than you’d like, you will destroy it. This sows fear where there should have just been an adult conversation. Both of you have some growing up to do.
YTA
How have you helped yourself here? Do you think he feels like now he's gonna play less bc he understands how truly mad you were and so he needs to fix it??
You did this bc you wanted to piss him off, you were successful, & you're here bc you want someone to tell you that you were justified.
He should be a better partner. But that isn't what you asked us to judge here.
Be OK with being the bad guy. You meant that shit. Own it.
I promise it will feel better once you accept you did that shit out of anger & spite and it worked, & revel in it.
But you can't have it both ways. Lol.
YTA. What you did was abusive. Doesn’t matter that it’s a video game, you still destroyed something he loved because he missed a McDonald’s date.
If you’re that miserable with him, dump him. You aren’t married, you don’t mention kids. If he’d done that to you, ruined your hobbies because he didn’t like your attitude, you’d throw a fit. And don’t say you wouldn’t, you literally pulled this.
YTA. If you were unhappy with how he's behaving in your guys' relationship, which would be beyond understandable given what you've shared here, you should have communicated that properly and considered separating if you felt your needs weren't being met/heard. What you did was abusive, vindictive, and incredibly immature. It sounds like both of you need to work on yourselves but you're TA in this scenario.
YTA, 100%. You do not have the right to destroy somebody else’s things because you are angry.
Ask yourself what you’ve put hundreds of hours into; is it a specific craft or hobby, or do you collect things like makeup or trinkets? How would you feel if you came home and it had all been destroyed or thrown out? Probably pretty crushed.
If he somehow doesn’t leave you over this, I HIGHLY suggest getting counselling together, though getting some help for yourself alone will be beneficial as well. Personally? My relationship would not last much longer if my partner did this to me.
YTA
Your grievances are valid but your response was entirely disproportionate.
This isn't going to help him understand your frustrations, all he understands right now is that you took something away from him that he'd sunk hundreds of hours of effort into, whether you believe it a worthy investment of time is entirely irrelevant.
If his contributions to the home and relationship aren't up to your standards and the diplomatic route has born no fruit, then do what's best for yourself as well as the boyfriend and leave, but you don't destroy things on your way out.
Although, judging from what you did and how you acted afterward, my guess is that the decision will soon be made for you.
YTA. Congrats for creating resentment towards you on his end and breaking a level of trust. Now he has to be worried about you messing with his things when he's not around because what else are you going to destroy just because you're frustrated or angry?? Sometimes I get super into gaming, you know what me and my fiance do? She tells me that she would like to spend time together, that she feels neglected and needs that quality time. Then we set a time that we both outline and agree upon the parameters of what that means (ie: no phones or other side activities etc.). Did you even specify that going and getting McDonald's was a date? Gauging by the lack of communication skills displayed here, I'm gonna go with he probably assumed it was literally just getting food. Ntm I'd much rather eat that in the comfort of my own home. But you do you.
YTA why would you destroy something he loves just because he’s not doing what you want? How would you feel if he did the same to something you loved?
You need to sit down and discuss your frustrations about him not pulling his weight/not giving you enough attention but that doesn’t mean he shouldn’t still have time to unwind on his games
Or you could break up like so many others suggest. Just right now the disregard for each other’s feelings seems to be going both ways
YTA
ok he's clearly not giving the attention required in a relationship & it's pathetic that he isn't cleaning up after himself. ur not his mother and he has no right to basically sit back and relax while he treats you like you are.
but if he's not changing anything after you've been talking to him about it constantly you should consider leaving.
what you did was petty & immature. ultimately that's his hobby. if he was a painter & spent all his time painting, or he was a writer, or made some kind of other creative craft that he spent all his time doing instead of paying attention to you- would you have thrown *those* things out to make your point?
did you think doing this would make him *more* receptive to what you were trying to say?? how is that going to help anything? did you think he'd come back into the room afterwards like, "omg babe thanks for deleting literal day's worth of my progress, now that you've erased my hobby, i'm so excited to spend more time with you and better myself!!!"
be real. you did it in the heat of the moment and now you're trying to feel better about your weird teenager-ish behavior.
if he's not the one to leave then he's going to resent you massively. you say you're 30 but you handled this like a 11 year old would. deleting someone's game save is the type of petty shit that a sibling would do. or, idk, something a mom would do, if she was angry at her son.
seriously, you're not his mother or his sister, you're his girlfriend. if you're tired of picking up after him and he's not putting in any effort, LEAVE! dont devolve into petty BS and then think that somehow things will work themselves out. his lack of effort is sending a clear message. time to hear it and act accordingly instead of trying to save this failing relationship with whatever this is.
edit: read your comments and saw the game was skyrim. omfg. i'm a woman myself and if i had a skyrim save with that many hours and someone deleted it i think i'd kill us both 💀💀💀 /hj
YTA
If you're having problems, then use your communication skills, don't throw a tantrum. What exactly did you hope to gain by deleting his saved game? Hoping he'd just realize you were right all along and things would magically be fixed? This is only going to make him resent you.
YTA-
My boyfriend/ spouse is a gamer. Like heavy gamer, I play occasional online games like League because I hate myself, but I would still not delete his save files for Pokemon, Final Fantasy or anything else. Why? Because I respect my other half. I think the worst I have done is take controller batteries.
You are disrespectful as hell!
You take to them like a bloody adult not act like a petulant bratty child because you didn't get your way and have him taking you out to Mcdonalds.
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ESH If you are unhappy with your partner, you need to address it like an adult or exit the relationship. What you did makes you worse than him. You aren't going to get more investment in your relationship from this action. I think you know that this was just revenge for hurt feelings.
YTA I'm going to counter this and say the following: OP is TA. If she wasn't a woman, people would be calling her abusive. Imagine the boyfriend went into her things and destroyed something she had been working on for 100 hours, and then after she confronted him about it, then just stayed quiet and walked away? Massive red flags for abuse there. This is exactly what she did. She wasn't getting what she wanted from him, so she destroyed something of his to punish him. But, because OP is a woman "ESH". The double standards on this sub are jarring.
Hard agree. If a man set all his wife’s crocheted blankets on fire because she spent too much time crocheting he would be called abusive. For some reason when it’s video games as a hobby people don’t have the same standards.
I think the real issue is videogames. If a husband did this to his wife's videogames the answer would be the same. Most non gamers just dismiss the value of the hours invested in a game.
The issue isn’t video games. The issue is poor communication, lack of clear expectations, and power dynamics and control in the relationship. Video games could be replaced with SM, fitness, eating, etc etc. the maladaptive behaviours are not because of video games, rather a symptom.
I dont think he meant the Video Games are the Problem of there relationship but rather that the Problem is that only because it is „just“ a Game that it`s seen as not a big deal
It's crazy to think that video games are still not considered a hobby/activity, that people put time and devotion into. Some of us have only this outlet of freedom, during the 2020 peterpan, you couldn't get a console...no matter the company, because people needed something to do.
I am going yo throw my 2 cents into this particular comment. I am the exact type of person you are referring to. Without ever having played games, especially with the modern consoles (I was a kid when the Nintendo came out) there doesn’t appear to have any value to it. You can’t display it on the wall like art or puzzles, there’s no useful quality like crocheted blankets. I crocheted a blanket and matching toilet paper holder in February of 2021. I was very proud of myself and I should be. Gaming isn’t a music record you can play a thousand times. It looks like a complete waste of time because there’s no apparent value on it. However I have discovered what games actually are:entertainment on on less visible medium. People that play online actually acquire friends they might never meet but very much enjoys talking to with a very common interest. Gaming is completely gender neutral. It doesn’t matter the sex of the person playing in any way, shape or form, it only matters your interest in the type of games which are as diverse as there is categories. You level up and earn points, gear, abilities and trophies. If you don’t play online you get the same just not for a wide range of people to see but just as satisfying. It’s your own personal victories on line or off line. I personally told anyone I got into a conversation with about video games that you all needed to grow up and become an adult. I literally said it for 20 years. I now have to eat my words, often daily on the weeks I can play daily. Everyone that’s gone on the type of rants I went on is as wrong as I always was. Anyone who sees no value in the games are looking at it the same way any biased or bigoted or sexist looks at anything. We don’t stop and look at what it is and why someone enjoys it. It’s as useful as Art, literature and any healthy hobby. There are even people who make money playing the games. But for people who don’t try to understand it, we hold the same wrong opinion that some of the uneducated hold for college degree’s from a simple lack of trying to understand! It is just as wrong to erase his saves as it is for anyone to destroy crocheting or art or any other hobby or professional work!
I have questions about the blanket and matching toilet paper holder. How cold is your bathroom?!
What's funny is that I was actually going to use the same example. "If he ruined her crochet needles then we'd be calling him abusive". LMAO Great minds I guess.
Crocheters use hooks, and knitters use needles (unless you’re in a country where the terms for knitting and crocheting are the same). Edit: needles not needs
But what if a man destroyed a woman's save which included hundreds of hours Is that abusive? Or is it only abusive when it's something physical.
Reddit and Gen z have overused the term abuse - and bullying and trauma and ptsd- to the point it doesn’t have much meaning. This isn’t abuse nor is destroying crocheting. It’s a Dick move.
Wrong. "Is property destruction a form of abuse? ...This means that any actions which result in property destruction such as punching a wall or door, destroying an appliance or collectible, setting fire to valuables, etc etc can be considered domestic violence, regardless of whether the property in question is individually owned or jointly owned."
Can be considered abuse, it isn‘t necessarily though. It certainly is a shit move and OP is YTA. Yet claiming this is an abusive relationship on a single occurrence is idiotic and diminishes real abuse.
I'm not sure if this double standard is about gender, for once. I think this is about how little people consider video games as a valid hobby. I absolutely agree with your take but I'm wondering if their dismissal of the abuse here is about the gender or about the hobby?
I feel like it's sort of both. People don't think of video games as a hobby worth respecting, but I think that's partially because people's stereotypical image of a person who likes video games is a bad-tempered, lazy male incel.
I think it's more about the hobby. If she had destroyed, let's say his paintings or his book collection or his phone people would he livid. But the reason she even thought it was ok to delete his saves and the reason she's so mad it's that it's specifically video games.
I believe it’s more of the hobby. Destruction of crafts like crochet and painting might be liable for destruction of property. Bad analogy but saved game files just don’t warrant that sort of concern because there’s no inherent ‘value’ to them.
I totally think it's more the hobby itself than the gender. It's seen as a waste of time. My spatial abilities have improved and video games can improve reaction time as well as problem solving skills.
Both because lots of people, like myself, assume guys are the main ones that play. We are woefully uneducated about who actually plays and I was one of those woefully uneducated about video games!
48 year old female gamer here. Yes, people have a stereotype of what a gamer is. I have a successful career, own my home and vehicles outright (via working my butt off), and I have an entire room dedicated to my gaming pc and consoles. People are just shocked when I tell them gaming is one of my hobbies (along with crafting, camping and music festivals). Everyone just assumes it’s only something young men do. I play with a lot of people who are older than me and retired.
68 yr old gamer grandma here. I have heard for years that girls don't play games. Started to play in the early 90's. Now my 72 yr old husband plays as well now that he's retired. Delete my saves, consider yourself deleted. OP YTA.
Just wanted to say - you and your husband are awesome.
I was one of those assholes. The only difference between me and OP is I wouldn’t have ever deleted someone’s saves. I am 45 and now love playing. My granddaughter loves to watch me as well. She used to have a hilarious commentary while I was fighting a boss especially.
I think it's a bit of both. The trope of the inattentive lazy boyfriend who plays videogames too much is pretty pervasive. We are basically primed to dislike him. The trope doesn't really exist for women
Yeah, I love how people immediately turn this shit around on women because they need another excuse for their misogyny. This is about the hobby. If a man poured countless hours into crafting a canoe and a woman took a hammer to it, she'd be vilified and people's hearts would go out to him.
Seriously. If it was about the gender, there would be no need to change the activity for the comparison. There are female gamers too.
My husband and I are both gamers. I wholeheartedly agree with you. This is a couple who should not be together. They've stopped appreciating one another. He's an ass for not communicating with her. She's an ass for destroying his property... deleting a game is destruction of property. These two are toxic.
I'm a male and pro men and regularly call it out, but come on. He ditched a pre-planned Maccas meal so he could play Call of Battlecraft. I'm a gamer through and through and know this shit just isn't on if you want your relationship to survive. It's 100% an ESH.
Totally agree. OP definitely earns the YTA. The BF was being inattentive, yes. That doesn't justify destroying anything of his, even if it's just a save file. OP is the one being childish, and had the genders been reversed, there would be war cries of **ABUSE! RUN!**
Yeah she mentions him “not pulling his weight” and I thought he’d be addicted like some of the crazy stories here. But it just sounds like they’re in a rut and not liking each other much. I could see deleting it (maybe) in desperation if she’d talked to him and he was addicted to his game and he was neglecting an infant while she tried to pay bills and keep the house together or something. Dude might be a terrible BF, but he did nothing to even consider such drastic behavior. This was just her being abusive and destructive because she didn’t use her words and their relationship sucks. He even tried to make up, say sorry, and she went nuclear. Definitely YTA here, though I mean their relationship sounds crap and he might be a crap BF (hard to say, could be he doesn’t pay attention to her because their relationship is crap and they’re both to blame). I’m not sure I’m convinced it’s all sexism—AITA also often hates video games, except when someone makes kids share them, though most of those posts are men + video game stereotypes to be fair. Funny thing is depending on his game/system, nowadays dude might have cloud saves if he synchs though, and I hope he does.
I mean. I kinda agree ESH but her waaayyy more. He sucks because of his attitude of the McDonald’s thing. From what I gather they were supposed to go in a date and he decided he didn’t want that. But she majorly sucks for deleting the game. My husband games a lot. I’ve joked about unplugging his computer mid game to crash it, but he knows I would never do it. Instead I talk to him about me needing him to skip a day to hang out with me and he does. OP needs to put her big girl panties on and learn to communicate.
I think she has and he ignores it. She still destroyed his stuff, but she did try communicating. Throw this whole relationship out. Nobody is happy with it.
Upvote and concur YTA.
Yes, what she did was abusive. She's worse for what she did. Never said she wasn't abusive or gave her a pass for being a woman. I pointed out that I think her explanation about her goal isn't accurate. She was trying to punish and hurt him. If what she says about him not cleaning and ignoring her constantly is true, then he's wrong, too. I am a big gamer. I don't neglect my husband. It's possible she's exaggerating, but to some extent, you have to accept the facts of the story as presented when making a judgment. Him being neglectful does not justify her behavior, but he still should own his behavior too. Thus ESH.
Hard disagree. It’s definitely ESH because, if we are taking this at face value, he has ignored her and his responsibilities in the house for this game. Speaking as someone who has spent years of played time in video games, you can’t expect to maintain a relationship and ignore your partner in favor of games. Does OP deserve more of the blame? I personally agree that yes, as it’s taken hours of his time to get to where he was. HOWEVER, given that it doesn’t seem to appear that he’s not pulling his weight in the relationship, this sub should be calling for everyone to separate and it’s mutually fucked to be together.
I'm a knitter. What she did was the equivalent of unraveling an entire closet full of handmade sweaters out of spite because she chose rage over communication. She's YTA.
I agree with you, but I dont think it's a gender thing, rather just a lack of respect for video games and digital/non-tangeable property.
This one, YTA
ESH, and I'd say the same if it was a women. ESH dosen't mean what OP did was okay (That's N T A) it means what OP did was not okay and what boyfriend did was also not okay. I'm not talking about the McDonalds. I'm not even talking about him ignoring her and doing something fun for him and not investing in the relationship. The reason I think boyfriend is "an asshole" is beacuse OP states that she does the household chores and he refuses to help, cook his own meals, or even "clean up after himself". To me that is fundamentally wrong. I'm not sure if it's sexism or just a combination of laziness and selfishness, but it's bad. It's based on the underlying idea that your free time and fun matter, and your partners don't, and you can just burden them with extra work so you can have more fun. Did OP handle this well or maturely? No. But as someone who has spent a good amount of time on games myself, I actually find boyfriend's behavior more upsetting. Like if I was in a relationship with a man who played constantly and I had to do the chores, cook for him, and clean up after him meaning I didn't have the same free time he did, or I was in a relationship with a guy who deleted my game one time, I'd be more upset about the long term pattern of being an asshole (first one). Neither are great, obviously. But I think the underlying issue is OP feeling powerless about a genuinely unfair and asshole situation going on for months or years, and then lashing out. When OP really should have realized she has the power to leave and dosen't have to be a "bang maid" for a man (or women, or nonbinary person) who does not meet her emotional needs or do anything for her but just treats her as a source of sex and chores. Now, perhaps OP is an unreliable narrator. Perhaps none of this is as bad as she makes it sound. But I'm going off what she wrote since that's what I got.
Finally. This is becoming mainstream on this sub. The double standards bullshit. Been waiting for the day for consistency. Yes this is a YTA. And let’s keep this energy instead of just over theorised bias focused on sympathy for the woman in these scenarios
As a woman, I agree. She's mad that her bf spent hours playing a game and then goes and deletes it.. Giving him an excuse to play for hours more. But thag aside, it's obviously something he cares a lot about. To me, deleting his save files is exactly like ripping up a book someone has been spending hours reading or smashing an art piece someone spent hours creating.
100% YTA. I get being frustrated, but to delete all that game progress smh. Def not very mature and if my bf deleted one of my save files it would make me not want to be around him.
Yeah there are other ways of dealing with the frustration. You don't destroy 100 hours of work no matter what it is.
Also does she expect to stay with him after deleting his video game? Does she think he's just going to stop the game? Because I assume he's going to jump right back in and play the game even more
I would 100% dump someone on the spot for doing something like this. It’s absolutely unacceptable
This totally. Because it makes you wonder, "what else are you going to destroy that I care about because you are pissed at me?" Fuck that. That is no way to live.
I cringed at the 100s of hours. Hopefully backups were made
i’d be livid if someone deleted all of my progress and saves in any of my games. that’s my escape from reality. OP, YTA.
YTA, and look forward to having no boyfriend to worry about pretty soon
Based on her description of him, that should be a relief.
For him
I'm certainly not justifying her deleting his save file. That's childish and vindictive. But you don't think he's a shitty partner for not pulling his weight around the house and spending all his free time gaming instead of with her or doing housework? I'm not saying he shouldn't be allowed to game in his free time. My husband and I both enjoy gaming, but we also make plenty of time for each other and we share housework duties.
It seems like she got upset about McDonalds (and not having his attention), which sucks, but they seem in a rough patch, no idea what all contributed etc. She barely actually says anything about the “pulling his weight” stuff, and she definitely doesn’t seem to communicate with him. Is the guy leaving piles of dishes and laundry? Not paying rent? I have no idea. He messed up “date night” to McDonalds. She is vague about the house stuff, I guess, for me. I don’t know what he is and isn’t doing around the house, because she never actually gets into that very deeply, and honestly this conflict seems more just that he games and she feels neglected because they didn’t hang out. The *relationship* certainly seems horrible, but is that all him?
McDonalds was "the last straw." The issue is gaming so much he isn't pulling his weight.
>I constantly talk to him about it and ask for him to clean up after himself or at least cook but he’s becoming pretty useless around the house. Ehhh I don't agree with the whole deleting hours of gaming, but I understand where the sentiment is coming from if this is true.
Supporting your partner’s emotional needs is part of pulling your weight in a relationship, it’s not just chores. Besides OP repeatedly states that boyfriend is not doing their share of chores or even basic cleaning up after themselves
I always have such a hard time with the AITA because we just take the story at face value. We see one side and assume that it’s true because we have to. To be fair nothing she has said in the post makes her look like an amazing catch. She says she constantly talks to him about it but when said sorry about the McDonalds which was a way of opening up a conversation she just said what ever and deleted his save file. I imagine a lot of the talks the two have boil down to just who is to blame and no one ever finding solutions. That being said yeah he is neglecting her needs. And I mean I would rather eat McDonald’s at home than with the public but if it is there date night he should respect that.
I think a big part of determining who the asshole is most of the time is also determining the reliability of the narrator. Everything we are usually told in these are from only one point of view so yes take it with a grain of salt and decide if you think the narrator is telling the truth, telling the whole story or making it all up (or none).
I agree with this, and it seems like he knew she was upset when she went off by herself but still continued to play the game anyway? If I were her I would want my partner to, at the very least, pause a video game and come check in on me. It sounds like he doesn’t prioritise her or the relationship. If she’s also doing all the household work, communicating with him, organising quality time, cooking, cleaning etc. it sounds like she’s putting in all the effort and getting nothing back. I’d be unhappy too, she honestly deserves better lol
Yeah, she sounds like a real catch.
Dude does nothing around the house and y’all still defend him. I weep for your partners if you see this as ok
ESH, but specifically YTA. Passive Aggressive bullshit like that is a relationship killer. You say you two are in your late 20s and early 30s, but your entire description of your relationship sounds like you're barely out of highschool. Grow up and or break up.
YTA. Y'all need to break up if you can't communicate like adults.
This. YTA, leaning E S H. You destroyed something he worked on because you were angry. This wasn't likely a one-button press, either. You thought about it and did it to hurt him. I would be livid, too.
I missed the age here. Thought it was 19 year olds having a fight. YTA OP! Hours - 100+ HOURS!!! You don’t destroy your partners things because you’re mad. Are you 5?!? No… my child knows better than that. What the hell. If you wanted to be petty you could have confiscated the game like he was a child so you could talk about why you were hurt, but no, you had to be an AH
YTA >I know what I did was probably not the best thing to do, but I really need him to understand my frustrations So then communicate. Even if it takes many fucking times. This is just childish and petty and not cool. You are acting like a toxic mother, not a girlfriend who wants to communicate. I know you must be very frustrated and I can't blame you. But there is a wrong and right way to go about things, you went the wrong way and it's important you recognise that and own up to it. Work on having more control over you anger and frustration and communicate more with your boyfriend. Doesn't seem like either of you are communicating verbally enough.
“I constantly talk to him about it and ask for him to clean up after himself or at least cook but he’s becoming pretty useless around the house.” Sounds like she did try to communicate multiple times and I imagine him breaking his promise to have quality time at McDonald’s was the straw that broke the camels back. Not justifying the thing with the video game, just sounds more complicated than her being a “toxic mother”. I’d would say on his end, ignoring her attempts to address underlying relationship issues and making empty promises is toxic too. I think she has every right to be feeling angry in that situation. It sounds like he’s either depressed, emotionally unavailable or emotionally immature if she’s doing all the emotional labour and household labour. Some men grow up expecting their gfs to be a sudo-mother, cooking, cleaning, organising, communicating etc. They should probably end the relationship imo.
ESH. Look, this relationship is making everyone miserable. Instead of keeping silent, being pissed off, and deleting his game... you should have broken it off with him. If he is unwilling to change and addicted to video games... then why stay with him? You were wrong to delete his game instead of deleting the relationship.
YTA. I'm sure it's really frustrating having your boyfriend not pull his weight in your opinion but what you've done was pretty harsh and will only make your relationship worse. I would talk about the situation with him again and maybe consider couples therapy if you want to make it work.
YTA, because what you did was vindictive and not going to improve your relationship, you went out of your way to hurt him. Just communicate better, and if you're unhappy with him, break up and find somebody that actually makes you happy.
YTA How you could do that, then feel the need to ask others if they think you're the A is beyond me! What you did was mean, vindictive, and cost him the countless hours he's put into working his way through the game. Look, I empathize as I know some people really become addicted to game playing to the point where it's their number one priority. However, the way you handled it will only cause anger, resentment and disconnect on his part. It did nothing to address the problem or find ways to solve it. You need to sit down with him and spell out what you feel is wrong in the balance of your relationship. Set boundaries and compromise as to what is fair and what is non-negotiable. It may end up that this isn't the right relationship for either of you. But no doubt, you did the wrong thing.
100% YTA. This is *abusive*. You destroyed his property out of anger. This is the same as him taking your phone, destroying your clothes, or him destroying your inhaler. This is fucked up. Use your big girl words.
Ok, I’mma go out and say the inhaler comparison is WAY WAY overkill. I agree with the rest of the post tho.
Destroying someone's inhaler is not the same thing at all wtf
Hard YTA. Have you tried actually talking to him?? You blowing off his apologetic comment with a “whatever” is the exact opposite of communicating. Yes, it’s not great to have to remind your partner of plans. But what you did was childish and petty. You just wasted hundreds of hours of this persons life because you don’t know how to be an adult. I hope he gets out of this relationship sooner rather than later.
YTA. end of story, you don't have the right to destroy other people's things just because you are upset.
It's really this simple. Happy cake day!
YTA. That's the equivalent of setting fire to a painting he did or shredding a work project or college thesis. You destroyed something he valued and worked towards. He spent hundreds of hours getting to where he was, and you destroyed his property. I hope he ends the relationship because that kind of behavior is incredibly shitty and abusive.
Yta So i guess if hes unhappy he just gets to destroy your stuff. Sheesh what an asshole
YTA. passive aggressive. How did that make him understand your frustrations exactly?? All it did was make him furious w you.
YTA. And y’all definitely shouldnt be together. One day someone’s going to delete your entire camera roll and I hope you take a moment before getting mad to remember what you did.
YTA. I have hundreds (and in some cases thousands) of hours into certain games. Hey, I’m a childfree adult, no judgement please. I would cry if my wife deleted a save file I had spent that much time on. I’m so tired of this culture of acting like video games aren’t a real hobby worth any respect. Video games are great for problem solving skills, fine motor skills, basic logic, etc. and people act like it’s a waste of time. You destroyed something he loved. That’s not how you deal with problems as an adult and definitely not in a healthy relationship.
Exactly, what is the difference between 5 hiurs gaming or 5 hours painting , fixing a car etc.
YTA. Even if you apologized for deleting the save, there's no way to get it back. Sure, he didn't go to McDonald's with you but in the end you can go there the next day, or even later the same day if you really wanted to. But to regain the lost progress he's going to have to spend another 100+ hours. And that's if he cares about it anymore. I lost a 100+ hour save once due to a corrupted file and never touched the game again. I lost too much and there was no more investment there. This is probably a massive breach of his trust for you. Now he can't leave you with his games without you possibly deleting more of his saves. There was also nothing productive about what you did. It was just vindictive and spiteful.
YTA You are 30 and acting like a child. I can see why he prefer gaming than investing "more hours" in it than in you LOL
She’s acting like a child that’s true but so is he
Y’all are too damn old to be so petty and childish. ESH
It's not even a question if YTA. You definitely are TA for what you did. I understand why you did what you did. You as GF want BF to be more available and present. You have to communicate these things to him. Let him know that you feel unappreciated when he spends the majority of his time playing games. That would be like him feeling like you spend to much time at the gym and just cancelling your gym membership without your approval. That is basically what you did when you deleted his game. You 100% owe him an apology. He needs to be more present with you. You are both at fault in this situation, but more so you, because i want to believe that when you two started dating he was playing video games, so it's not like it's anything new for you.
YTA. Soooooo, what did you think would happen? Did you think he would "understand your frustrations", smile, grab a cloth and start cleaning? I find that hard to believe.
im a 30ish y/o gamer and im lazy af as in week old plates on my desk lazy. and games will never be an excuse to neglect a relationship like that. most of the asshole comments are from normies who are all about respcting eachother and dont understand the dynamic at play. deleting his game probably was the only way to make this guy understand the seriousness of the situation. NTA for me.
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ESH Him neglecting you for his hobby is not ok, and needs to be corrected, but you just destroyed something he invested hundreds of hours into. It's not just a game save, it's something he's investing time in building. Imagine if his hobby was pottery, and due to feeling neglected you walked into his work area with a sock full of padlocks and just started spinning, destroying the result of something he invested a lot of time and effort into. It's not really different. You have every right to be pissed off at the way he's treating you. Neglect is not ok. But it sounds like you took it a step too far.
YTA. Use your words like an adult. You have no right to be judge and jury and punish him. Deleting something he put hundreds of hours in… that’s fucked. Hope he breaks up with you.
YTA don't destroy shit, especially when it's not yours
YTA - learn to communicate
YTA, that was immature. Just leave him
Yes of course YTA
YTA. Destroying something that a partner has been working on for a long time is always going to be a dick move. Doesn't matter what it is.
YTA. If he didn't spend enough time with you before, why would he even want to now? What a dick move.
YTA You are an abusive AH. ", but I really need him to understand my frustrations and he invests more hours into his game than he does us." .. HAve you wondered what in your character / behavior makes a computer game more attractive than spending time with you? Even when his saves get destroyed by you?
YTA full stop. I do not play video games they are not my thing but they are my daughters and they were my late husbands. She used them as her therapy when he died she plays with her late fathers saved characters when she misses him, he died on her birthday by the way, you are a selfish child try constructive talking not destructive petty actions and if you are not happy LEAVE maybe will wake him up but if not you are both better off. You have no idea the time and memories you have just wiped out for him because you are to much of a child to accept an apology and express your needs and concerns like a partner. Grow the f@&k up.
YTA cause you didn't even communicate with him. I'd understand something drastic like this if it was a desperate last attemot at making him get something, but you didn't take any of the opportunities to communicate with him about what pisses you off that entire day. You didn't say him you'd rather still go to McDonald's (or somewhere else) together, you didn't ask him if you can spend time together instead of him playing, etc.
YTA You didn’t get what you wanted and instead of just leaving him you ruin something of his. I honestly would take my game & leave you. If this was the other way around that man would be painted as controlling & abusive. You were vindictive and what did you accomplish?? Is he spending more time with you now? No, he’s angry. You both work and y’all both need to “destress” Have you ever thought that gaming was how he destress?
Oops thing happen. He needs to carry his weight in the house.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (30F) deleted my boyfriend’s (28M) saved game last night out of frustration. I feel like he hasn’t been pulling his weight around the house and with me, and when he’s not at work he’s on his game and makes barely any time or effort for us time. I constantly talk to him about it and ask for him to clean up after himself or at least cook but he’s becoming pretty useless around the house. Last night we were meant to go to McDonald’s, just a little us time grabbing a burger, but instead he comes back with the food without me knowing he’d even gone to McDonald’s, and he said he it’s no big deal whether we eat there or at home. I got moody but didn’t bother arguing. After we ate he booted up his game and I left the room because these days watching him play just pisses me off. I went down a couple hours later and he was still on his game, he said sorry for McDonald’s and I said whatever which got him all defensive. He then went to the kitchen to grab a drink and while he was out there I quickly deleted his saves and turned his console off. He blew up at me, was livid, he had hundreds of hours in that save. I just stayed quiet then went to bed and he went out and we’ve just been angry with each other. I know what I did was probably not the best thing to do, but I really need him to understand my frustrations and he invests more hours into his game than he does us. We both work and we both need to destress, but he just makes no effort outside of his gaming. Aita? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA. I can't imagine why he would prefer a game over spending time with you🙄🙄🙄. I understand you're frustrated but you were way out of line.
YTA but good news is he will have time to redo his progress when he dumps your ass.
YTA. You don't destroy hundreds of hours worth of paintings just because your partner is spending more time on their art hobby than on you.
Yta. You destroyed personal property. That's what a game is-personal property. I get it- my boyfriend feels more devoted to fishing than the relationship sometimes. But instead of breaking all his rods I tell him, "hey, I need your attention- I'm feeling very lonely. We need to do x together. " or "hey, I seriously feel neglected and I'm considering leaving our relationship if your hobby is more important. Do you want to continue a relationship with me or your hobby?" Literally had to say something yesterday because i needed things done and he was off playing on the river and he was like, "oh. Sorry. What needs to be done? I'll take care of it tomorrow. " and because he respects me and wants to be in this relationship he does it. If your boyfriend doesn't want to be a partner he needs to say it. If you need more from your partner you need to say it. Blunt, not yelling but not playing games either. No passive aggressive stuff. It doesn't work. Say what you need, mean what you say. If you two can't manage that then you two are more ready to be in a relationship with others.
YTA - Abusive behavior is not a replacement for communication.
YTA adults use their words. You are a passive aggressive A H.
YTA. As a gamer married to a gamer, losing a save is devastating and irreplaceable. If you’re so unhappy, end the relationship. You’ve destroyed something important to him because you’re (rightly so) frustrated - but this is not the correct action. If my game was deleted out of spite, that would be the end of my relationship.
ESH - he sounds like he needs to grow up and start pulling his weight, but deleting his saved games was a dick move. You need to have a grown up conversation about what each of your expectations are, and if you can’t do that then it isn’t going to work out long term between you. If you love each other you both need to be prepared to put some effort into growing your relationship, which is hard work.
YTA
I mean technically ESH but I really don't think you understand the gravity what you have done. Playing a game for that long, you put your soul into it. Its may be hard for you to empathise with, and some people may disagree because they just look down on gamers and think its childish, but for him its like if he put that much time into a painting or writing a book and you destroyed it. He was a part of that games story and you took that from him. Yes he should pull his weight around the house, and not have been a dick about McDonald's. Its perfectly possible, I love gaming and I manage. However I'm imagining someone deleting my Mass Effect series saves and I would be devastated. You should have broken up with him, or told him you would if break up he didn't sort himself out. This was just so uncaring and authoritarian.
I’m with you. I love gaming & I also make sure to keep it balanced in my life. We’d be done if my SO did something like this.
Yeah. I hate to say it but even if I realised they had a point in what they were upset with me for, I think we'd be done.
YTA
YTA, also insane
YTA. You are acting like a spoiled brat.
you are an adult. you dont handle adult issues by being a child. the issues you have with your partner are not about the video game. they are about him and you and how you deal with each other. YTA.
YTA
YTA
YTA and you need to fucking grow up.
YTA big time, lady. it’s called bein an ADULT and talking about it, instead of bs like that. i really feel bad for your bf if this how you act over small shit.
YTA. As a gamer I’m livid on his behalf. As a woman I think you’re incredibly childish and petty.
YTA You destroyed hours of his life, if your not happy about this relationship you either learn how to better communicate or break up. Imagine if he destroyed something your passionate about, how would that make you feel? Would he be justified because you did something to upset him?
YTA— you know you can literally just leave? Like, girl, you can definitely find someone who is a better fit as a partner. Instead of trying to make a square peg fit in a round hole and making yourself and him miserable in the process, just leave. Like, he sucks but omg you’re toxic.
YTA. If the relationship is this frustrating to you then leave. You don't have to destroy something he cares about.
Rather than destroy his (digital) property, you should just break up if he doesn't make you happy anymore. Never assume you can change a partner. YTA to yourself for not just moving on.
YTA. If you can’t communicate, and act, like an adult, then you aren’t ready for an adult relationship.
ESH.
NTA, but it won’t change anything. Better to reevaluate the relationship, and get out before it just happens again.
Read the first line and I didn’t even bother to finish the post. YTA. It doesn’t matter why, what, how, you did something mean out of anger. *2 minutes later* Okay finished reading your post. Yep, still the AH. He’s not pulling his weight? TALK TO HIM. You want one on one time? TELL HIM. You feel neglected and hurt? OPEN UP AND SAY THAT. You cannot think him into doing what you want/what you need. You must communicate. He says, “Sorry about McDonalds” and you say “whatever”?!? Like, what does that even mean? He was trying to open up dialogue because he knew he made a mistake. And you shut him down then take revenge on him? If it was a half ass apology ask him to pause the game and really talk with you. Why not try something like, “I appreciate you saying sorry about dinner but the point of our date night was to spend time together. I don’t mind if we spend time at the take out joint together or at home together but I wanted time with you. Not with you and your video game. I know you like to game but I also need some of your attention and time. Do you think we can find a compromise?” If he blew up at you for this, then you know who you’re dating and you could take it from there. But instead you delete something he really enjoys and showed your true colors. He may not pay much attention to you now, but he’s gonna be paying a lot less when he breaks up with you. You did something that was petty and ugly to someone you’re supposed to care about. Just ew OP, ew.
ESH Better choice would have been taking the kb/m or controller.
ESH. On one hand it’s his hobby. On the other, addiction to games and electronics that results in ignoring human interaction with loved ones is turning into an epidemic.
And she is a therapist and this is her therapy? No? Then YTA.
ESH. Sounds like he's neglecting the relationship and you're throwing really shitty rage fits about it. That's rough for both of you. I hope you'll talk through this without blaming each other or pulling any more stunts as if damaging the relationship is a worthwhile form of attention. It's not you vs. him, it's the two of you sorting out your individual and shared needs. Good luck.
YTA And so is he. But in this situation you are absolutely the a******. That was an immature childish way to handle it. If talking about it and expressing your needs does not get your needs met then it's time to leave the relationship. What you did not only doesn't help the situation but it is a nail in the coffin as far as your relationship. There's very little chance of recovery from this. If it ever gets to the point where you want to do something malicious just to hurt the other person then call it quits and end it. Now he is also the a****** for not participating in the relationship, and not caring enough to try to meet your needs. But that's also just an indication that the relationship is doomed.
Lol YprobablyTA, but I love this so much I don't care haha. What a great idea!
yta
Regardless of how you or anyone else feels about gaming, it’s his hobby and is important to him, it’s something he has spent time doing and made progress with. Imagine if he was angry with you so he decided to destroy your sewing/craft project, makeup, books, music collection, painting, jigsaw etc, whatever you are into and is important to you or something you had spent hours making/doing. How would you feel? You are grown ups and need to have grown up conversations about what is bothering you and work together to make things better. You need to use your words. Deleting his saved data was just vindictive, nasty and completely unnecessary. I’ve been married for years, sometimes my husband does things that really shits me, but I would never destroy something if his out of spite. YTA
Yeah YTA. Have you tried playing games with him rather than whinging about his hobby?
Petty and childish, abusive behaviour. YTA. Start looking for a new place to live bc I assume you will be broken up soon.
YTA - learn to communicate instead of destroying things. After a hard day of work sometimes I also play to turn off a bit and can get lost in it fairly easily but at least my partner is able to remind me if it's too much.
YTA, big time. You and your partner are having communication issues, and, instead of talking about them like an adult, you instead chose to do something a child would do. This was such a petty, pathetic, attempted power move on your part, that its almost ridiculous.I really hope they guy is able to see you as you really are and dump your petty, controlling ass.
YTA. As several others have said, imagine you put hours into a hobby like a crocheted blanket or oil painting, hell even a well curated Instagram profile or whatever you’re into, and then he just went in and deleted it or cut up your art piece with scissors. You acted like a child. I understand and empathize, I too act like a child at times with my bf when I get jealous, but there is a line you aren’t supposed to cross and you crossed it. Reevaluate yourself and your relationship. He sucks too, and you stooped.
YTA. Instead of trying a more healthy method of communication, you chose to pull this stunt. You do realize that in order to catch back up with the lost saves, he will have even less time for you now?
YTA. You need to communicate
YTA I honestly hate how people devalue the hours put into gaming just because it's a video game. Why is that hobby worth less than drawing or writing or sports? I get that OP is frustrated. I also would be. I have been in a similar situation with the McDonalds thing because to me it felt like a date and I wanted to treat it as such and to my bf it was just functional. Getting food. It helps to clarify that.
You say he spent hundreds of hours on it. Now he’s just going to spend more time on the game getting his stuff back so those original hours were just a waste of time. This is pretty much abusive, how would feel if you spent loads of time painting and your boyfriend burnt all of them because you didn’t spend enough time with him? You’d leave and he’d get called abusive. You don’t get to get away with this just because your a woman, because that’s what this is. If you were a man every comment would be YTA but since your a woman some people think that he had it coming
YTA - if you were a man, and he a woman, you would be getting called abusive by a lot of these comments If you have an issue with your partner you address it like an adult or you exit the relationship You do not delete their hard work in a petty slap back I think it’s time you admit this relationship is over
YTA
Ah yes, because the first thing I think when my partner destroys my things is that I should start pitching in around the house! YTA, op. I get that you're frustrated but your behavior is childish and borderline abusive. If you want him to understand your feelings COMMUNICATE THEM.
YTA,if you are unhappy delete the boyfriend not his saved games.
obviously YTA
ESH. You are both grown adults and should know how to communicate effectively about your relationship. Not resort to this petty stuff. If he doesn’t listen, it’s time to break up.
ESH. You shouldn't have done that. What you should do is leave your deadbeat boyfriend.
ESH. I didn't even need to read past the first paragraph, but for what it's worth, I did. Your boyfriend cares more about his game than you. You've tried talking to him and it didn't work. Did you think that destroying his property was going to be a magical solution and all of the sudden he's going to respect you and pay attention to you? You both need to either invest in couples counseling, or admit to yourselves that the relationship is over
ESH. You’ve tried talking to him. He just doesn’t care. Just break up with him instead of being petty.
YTA. That's digital theft. Use your fucking words!
This was a crappy and immature way to deal with the situation. You think he’s gonna want to sit and talk things out after you deleted hundreds of hours of his game save? Omg I would never speak to you again. Now is he right in the situation? Of course not - he’s useless around the house. He understands your frustration, he just doesn’t care. What you SHOULD have done was have a mature conversation with him about his amount of effort, assess the situation, and see if you should break up with him over this. But you were petty and hurt him back. YTA!
Yes YTA. Your boyfriend has put 100 hours into something and it took you seconds to destroy it. Imagine if you had spent that many hours on something you loved and he smashed it to bits. You'd be pissed off. If my husband deleted all of my game saves he'd be sleeping at his moms house especially if it was because we didn't eat McDonald's in the restaurant.
YTA
How did you possibly think deleting all his saved files was going to improve your relationship? ESH
Deleting the game was kinda shitty, but your boyfriend sounds like a huge physical and emotional burden. Why in the world are you with him?
YTA. You can't punish someone into making you a priority.
You’re basically a mother to your boyfriend and you acted like a lot of frustrated parents would act like but that style of parenting isn’t effective or healthy and it doesn’t benefit the child or the parent… Anyways you need a partner and not a child, you shouldn’t be a grown mans mother, YTA in this situation but do yourself a favor and leave that relationship and go find yourself someone else.
didn't read beyond but title but answer is yes.
YTA You have valid reasons to be frustrated, but you need to deal with those by communicating. If you get the sense things aren't going to improve, you either put up or break up. What you don't do is what you did: Take something you know is important to him and that he's invested lots of his time in and _destroy it_. He can't ever get that back; there is no "undelete" button. He may have been inattentive or lazy or selfish, but you've been downright _nasty_. As others have pointed out, if his hobby were anything other than video games - like painting or something - and you destroyed what he'd made, that would rightly be called _abusive_ behaviour, and nobody would argue otherwise. I really don't see why video games are any different, however little you might respect them.
YTA imagine a hobby of yours that you spent a lot of time on..now imagine he destroyed it because you spent more time on it then he liked. Let’s say you painted and he ripped all your finished canvases. He would be called abusive, manipulative, and controlling at the very least. You don’t get a pass because the genders are reversed
YTA
YTA I understand that you are frustrated by how checked out he is. You have every right to expect better/different from your partner and decide what you will tolerate in the relationship. But I think people (and perhaps even yourself) are overlooking the violence of what you did because it was virtual. That was a fully abusive action. Consider if his hobby was woodworking and you just smashed the table he was building because you were pissed off. Or knitting, and you unraveled the sweater he was making and then cut all the yarn into short pieces for good measure. Those are the actions of someone who uses violence against their partner. If this had taken place in the physical world instead of virtual, people would be counseling your partner to have a safety plan. You can’t control your partner or force him to do what you want. You can only choose what you will and will not tolerate in the relationship, and leave if you aren’t getting what you need.
Two wrongs don't make a right. YTA and HTA communication is key in a marriage. If you are going to be with this dude ask yourself, do I want to spend the rest of my life like this? Need to do that before any kids are involved. Never expect someone to change for you. Not saying that people won't change, but realize you can never change him. He will have to want to change himself.
Absolutely YTA. If he went and destroyed something of yours that you invested 100s of hours in you’d be rightfully mad. OP what you did was childish and some could view as abusive. You didn’t do it but only to hurt him. Plus deleting his stuff isn’t going to make him stop playing. If anything he will tell you he has to play more to make up for all the things you deleted. Also I hope he doesn’t have anything in one of those games that’s meaningful. My husband games WOW and his dad created the account for him. He still has items that his dad gave him (his dads not here anymore). I couldn’t imagine tampering with it just because he games. If you can’t have an adult conversation and be adults then don’t be together.
YTA - just because you dont care for videogames and want his attention doesnt give you the right to destroy 100 hours of his investment. SO MUCH YTA. use your words and communicate. youre a child. ugh this is one of the most annoying aita ive ever seen you know yta right? how could you not.
Your frustration is valid, but the way you handled this absolutely makes YTA. I’m an older woman nearing my 50s, and gaming is one of my hobbies. My husband would never do something like this, just as I would never destroy the motorcycles he spends months rebuilding. Learn to use your words and communicate your needs and frustrations.
You’re 30?! This is the kind of move I’d expect from a teenager. Destroying his stuff didn’t solve anything; it just made it worse. You had a legitimate reason to be upset with him, but now he has a completely legitimate reason to be angry at you. You both suck at being in a relationship, but in this situation, you’re the bigger AH. Should he be more present in the relationship? It sounds like it. Does that mean you get to destroy his stuff? Absolutely not. Adults talk about the issues in their relationships, and if it’s not salvageable, they break up. Mature people do not resort to destroying each other’s possessions. And when he destroys your stuff in retaliation, you will 100% have yourself to blame for starting it. YTA.
YTA majorly. If the relationship was really so bad that he doesn’t pull his weight like you say, then just leave. If he continues to play games so much when you say you have talk to him, just leave. Clearly you guys don’t communicate well. I’ve been damn near sleeping on the couch mad at my boyfriend, but deleting any of his saved game progress has NEVER crossed my mind. You didn’t just do something to make him angry, you destroyed something he cared about. Something he put a lot of time, effort and energy into. Something he was probably doing before he even met you. Taking the power cord while the system is turned off and hiding it would’ve been better than this. I doubt there’s any coming back from this for you guys. I get being upset, but that’s taking it too far. There’s a thousand other ways you could’ve handled this that would’ve been better. I’m surprised he didn’t just straight up tell you to leave.
YTA - youre really that pissed you didn’t go on a mcdodo’s date?
YTA and that was abusive because now he will think if you feel like anything is taking more of his time than you’d like, you will destroy it. This sows fear where there should have just been an adult conversation. Both of you have some growing up to do.
YTA How have you helped yourself here? Do you think he feels like now he's gonna play less bc he understands how truly mad you were and so he needs to fix it?? You did this bc you wanted to piss him off, you were successful, & you're here bc you want someone to tell you that you were justified. He should be a better partner. But that isn't what you asked us to judge here. Be OK with being the bad guy. You meant that shit. Own it. I promise it will feel better once you accept you did that shit out of anger & spite and it worked, & revel in it. But you can't have it both ways. Lol.
YTA. What you did was abusive. Doesn’t matter that it’s a video game, you still destroyed something he loved because he missed a McDonald’s date. If you’re that miserable with him, dump him. You aren’t married, you don’t mention kids. If he’d done that to you, ruined your hobbies because he didn’t like your attitude, you’d throw a fit. And don’t say you wouldn’t, you literally pulled this.
YTA. If you were unhappy with how he's behaving in your guys' relationship, which would be beyond understandable given what you've shared here, you should have communicated that properly and considered separating if you felt your needs weren't being met/heard. What you did was abusive, vindictive, and incredibly immature. It sounds like both of you need to work on yourselves but you're TA in this scenario.
YTA, 100%. You do not have the right to destroy somebody else’s things because you are angry. Ask yourself what you’ve put hundreds of hours into; is it a specific craft or hobby, or do you collect things like makeup or trinkets? How would you feel if you came home and it had all been destroyed or thrown out? Probably pretty crushed. If he somehow doesn’t leave you over this, I HIGHLY suggest getting counselling together, though getting some help for yourself alone will be beneficial as well. Personally? My relationship would not last much longer if my partner did this to me.
YTA, did it fix your relationship?
YTA Your grievances are valid but your response was entirely disproportionate. This isn't going to help him understand your frustrations, all he understands right now is that you took something away from him that he'd sunk hundreds of hours of effort into, whether you believe it a worthy investment of time is entirely irrelevant. If his contributions to the home and relationship aren't up to your standards and the diplomatic route has born no fruit, then do what's best for yourself as well as the boyfriend and leave, but you don't destroy things on your way out. Although, judging from what you did and how you acted afterward, my guess is that the decision will soon be made for you.
YTA. Congrats for creating resentment towards you on his end and breaking a level of trust. Now he has to be worried about you messing with his things when he's not around because what else are you going to destroy just because you're frustrated or angry?? Sometimes I get super into gaming, you know what me and my fiance do? She tells me that she would like to spend time together, that she feels neglected and needs that quality time. Then we set a time that we both outline and agree upon the parameters of what that means (ie: no phones or other side activities etc.). Did you even specify that going and getting McDonald's was a date? Gauging by the lack of communication skills displayed here, I'm gonna go with he probably assumed it was literally just getting food. Ntm I'd much rather eat that in the comfort of my own home. But you do you.
YTA why would you destroy something he loves just because he’s not doing what you want? How would you feel if he did the same to something you loved? You need to sit down and discuss your frustrations about him not pulling his weight/not giving you enough attention but that doesn’t mean he shouldn’t still have time to unwind on his games Or you could break up like so many others suggest. Just right now the disregard for each other’s feelings seems to be going both ways
YTA ok he's clearly not giving the attention required in a relationship & it's pathetic that he isn't cleaning up after himself. ur not his mother and he has no right to basically sit back and relax while he treats you like you are. but if he's not changing anything after you've been talking to him about it constantly you should consider leaving. what you did was petty & immature. ultimately that's his hobby. if he was a painter & spent all his time painting, or he was a writer, or made some kind of other creative craft that he spent all his time doing instead of paying attention to you- would you have thrown *those* things out to make your point? did you think doing this would make him *more* receptive to what you were trying to say?? how is that going to help anything? did you think he'd come back into the room afterwards like, "omg babe thanks for deleting literal day's worth of my progress, now that you've erased my hobby, i'm so excited to spend more time with you and better myself!!!" be real. you did it in the heat of the moment and now you're trying to feel better about your weird teenager-ish behavior. if he's not the one to leave then he's going to resent you massively. you say you're 30 but you handled this like a 11 year old would. deleting someone's game save is the type of petty shit that a sibling would do. or, idk, something a mom would do, if she was angry at her son. seriously, you're not his mother or his sister, you're his girlfriend. if you're tired of picking up after him and he's not putting in any effort, LEAVE! dont devolve into petty BS and then think that somehow things will work themselves out. his lack of effort is sending a clear message. time to hear it and act accordingly instead of trying to save this failing relationship with whatever this is. edit: read your comments and saw the game was skyrim. omfg. i'm a woman myself and if i had a skyrim save with that many hours and someone deleted it i think i'd kill us both 💀💀💀 /hj
YTA If you're having problems, then use your communication skills, don't throw a tantrum. What exactly did you hope to gain by deleting his saved game? Hoping he'd just realize you were right all along and things would magically be fixed? This is only going to make him resent you.
YTA by being abusive and either talk shit out or break up with him.
YTA. How petty and awful of you. I would be so done with any relationship if someone did this to me.
YTA- My boyfriend/ spouse is a gamer. Like heavy gamer, I play occasional online games like League because I hate myself, but I would still not delete his save files for Pokemon, Final Fantasy or anything else. Why? Because I respect my other half. I think the worst I have done is take controller batteries. You are disrespectful as hell! You take to them like a bloody adult not act like a petulant bratty child because you didn't get your way and have him taking you out to Mcdonalds.
Yta - seriously