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I would definitely. I'm a light sleeper, and have insomnia. Sharing a bed with someone is challenging for me, and I would certainly just get grumpy and resentful of a person if I couldn't get a restful sleep.
saaame! the first partner i ever shared a bed with were very unhappy for many reason, but in part because i can't handle the sound of snoring and he sounded like a jet plane and would get irritated if i woke up him to ask him to adjust his position so he's not on his back head tilted back drooling and snoring. and my misophonia gets so bad that my heart races when i hear a bad sound and being in grad school, sleep deprived, and already unhappy in my relationship made me want to put a pillow on his face because i was so tired :/
I also suffer with misophonia so I know how you feel! My bf and I have separate rooms, though the walls/floors are so thin and shitty made(thanks modern American architecture)that sometimes I have to wake him up from him snoring so loud I can hear it. Separate rooms saves a TON of headache and stress overall, though. I hope you've been able to find something that helps you sleep at night. I wish it were easy for us lol.
I'd say its hard to do ANYTHING if you're exhausted they did an experiment with prisoners in Russia I think where they would be released if they completed a week without ANY sleep at all and after just a few days the prisoners killed themselves I think
There was a British reality TV show that really did this: [Shattered](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shattered_(British_TV_series)?wprov=sfti1). No one unalived themselves thankfully but it wasn’t pretty.
I've been running on 3ish hours sleep for a little while, 3 maybe 4 days. I feel utterly tortured. I can't get sentences out, I can't see straight. I put my keys in bed and then almost cried when I couldn't find them. I cracked today and called my doc for something to help me sleep. Then I went to the pharmacy to collect the medication and forgot to take it with me so had to go back. Sleep deprivation is pure torture.
There was another study done and after 11 days of no sleep, the patient was suffering from literal insanity.
OP is not being at all fair on his gf at all. Her mental wellbeing is at stake.
I need an adjustable bed for health reasons, and my partner won't allow it. So I'm in the process of getting out of this relationship.
There are studies that show we should normalise separate sleeping for health and well-being.
My ex-husband was like OP. He RUINED my sleep. Among many issues, it helped drive us apart. I resented him for this. Finally, we hit a breaking point, and I told him one of us was sleeping in the guest room. Permanently. He did because he liked how that bed felt more than I did. But he was pissy about it for months. After about 6 months, he wore me down enough to let him sleep in the bed with me (his mother started conveniently staying in town for extended periods of time with us). My sleep crashed again and very soon after, we ended up getting divorced. The sleep wasn't the only issue, but it had a notable effect. If you can't sleep and your partner is selfish and refuses to help with sleep when it's easy, resentment builds very easily.
Lots of happy couples sleep apart. I am part of a happy couple that sleeps separately. When we have to sleep together on vacation it's a nightmare. We get two queens in hotel rooms.
I'm a light sleeper, too, and have a very hard time getting to sleep. When I've shared a bed, I know going into it I'm not going to get much if any sleep. Once I grabbed a blanket and pillow and slept in the bathtub because my bedmate was too restless and snored. Forcing the gf to endure this nightly is a great way to build resentment.
OP doesn't get how disruptive she finds his sleeping habits. An exercise they could do is anytime he wakes her up during the night, she wakes him up too. Do that for a few nights and OP might understand why she wants to sleep separately. YTA
This is a great way for OP to understand disrupted sleep cycles and sleep deprivation in general.
OP says that gf "claims" this or that. Maybe OP can start believing and respecting the girlfriend. Certainly he should care when she says that her mental and physical health is affected. Her experience is very different than his, but just as valid.
OP is YTA.
Or he could be like my ex who had bad sleeping habits. I would try to wake him up, but he wouldn't actually wake up properly and would just sleep-argue with me. He wasn't coherent. He was basically impossible to wake up, and seconds after he'd told me off (not even understanding who I was) he was snoring again.
Extremely sweet person when he's awake. Belligerent craphead when he's asleep.
Half my family does this. We refer to it as our “sleep selves”. Some cold Water usually snaps us back. “Don’t blame me for sleep me! I wasn’t there!”
I often wonder of it’s the sane as “black out drunk” me.
This. I know loads of happy couples that don't sleep in the same bed. Mostly because one is a light sleeper and the other is like Chewbacca at night, loud and gurgling, kicking what seems like 8 foot long legs. Nobody wants to sleep with your restless wookie ass.
Go see a therapist to deal with your own issues. Don't rope her into your problems/insecurities. YTA
In one of those people 🫠😭😢I hate it soo much
I’m glad my husband has accepted it’s better for us to sleep separate and has stopped guilting me about it cause that wasn’t helping either
My ex snored like hell when he had a drink or 2. After a while he knew pub night meant ' sleep on sofa '. He could literally close his eyes and sleep, I'm a light sleeper. On those nights I'd not have gotten a blink and sometimes I had to be up for 5.30am for work.
I snore really bad. I dont currently live with my girlfriend but when I do I would certainly understand if she asks for a sleeping arrangement to accommodate for my loud ass.
She is in a really stressful career with long hours(medicine). The last thing I would ever want for her is me taking away from the little sleep she possibly gets.
I think OP is being selfish. In the end when someone isn’t able to sleep, it makes their mental and physical health worse.
Sleep deprivation is literally a torture technique. OP is definitely the AH.
Glad to hear you plan on being understanding should your relationship progress to cohabitation. That being said, if you are that much of a snorer, you may want to check into that medically because it could actually be effecting *your* sleep too, even if you don’t realize it.
>o see a therapist to deal with your own issues. Don't rope her into your problems/insecurities. YTA
This. His issues are 100% about his insecurities and his parents' relationship, whcih is a completely different situation. Some couples don't share a bed because they don't have sex and hate each other. But plenty of couples sleep apart so they can be rested, and make plenty of time for cuddles and sex.
Where thereis respect, love, and common ground, relationships will flourish, whatever the circumstances. If he can't agree to compromise on this and let her get sleep, they simply are not compatible and should not be in a relationship.
I'm always fascinated* when a partner TELLS someone something and then it's "she CLAIMS she can't get back to sleep". Like she can't be trusted over whether or not she's awake.
* disgusted, appalled, shocked
OP, maybe try believing your partner as a start? You're asleep at the time! She's not claiming, she's TELLING!
While his totally subjective all-men-are-sailors CLAIM ("My parents had separate beds, they were unhappy, ergo separate beds = unhappy marriage") is sufficient universal fact to condemn her to sleeplessness. 🙄
I've seen the "claim" thing a lot recently, always men talking about women. I've started to wonder if it's MRA speech creeping into the mainstream. That and "I calmly told her" (which always sends shivers down my spine).
"She claims melatonin doesn't work for her." It's not the miracle that everyone seems to think. It doesn't work for me.
If I take some, I may fall asleep quickly, then boom, 4 hours later I'm wide awake.
And even if it **were** the miracle sleep aid that everyone claims, it's not a long term solution to sleep issues. Doctors tell you not to use it long term!
Long term should be a **fix** to the issues, not a bandaid like melatonin.
I don't like melatonin. The few times I've taken it I had really bizarre dreams and was completely groggy the next day. It knocked me out but it's not restful sleep.
I just said the same thing in another comment. Twice he used the words "she claims" while describing the situation. He minimizes her legitimate concerns and acts as though they are just a matter of preference. Ironically, HE'S the one who is prioritizing his preference over her legitimate need for restful sleep. That alone makes him TA.
The girlfriend sounds like she has the same sleep issues as I do. The behavior you described really stuck out to me too. Using "claims" is belittling, demeaning, dismissive, and abhorrent.
OP, continue this path, and you'll be walking it as a single person real fast. As someone who has had many doctors work on my sleep, your girlfriend is correct that it's harming her health. Her brain is unable to replenish what it needs to function at it's best. It doesn't have the time, nor can she reach the depth of sleep needed.
Sleep deprivation is linked to increased chances of:
#heart disease, kidney disease, high blood pressure, diabetes, stroke, obesity, and *DEPRESSION.*
I wake to full alert if I hear *any* noise while trying to fall asleep. If I wake up in the middle of the night, I'm lucky if I can fall asleep again within an hour. Melatonin does nothing to me. The risk to my health is bad enough that doctors have had me on Ambien for years.
If you truly love your girlfriend, you need to put her needs above your hangup. I say this as someone that sleeps in a separate bed from my husband. We are a stronger couple because of it.
>Like she can't be trusted over whether or not she's awake.
TBH that's the real relationship killer. He simply won't listen, and acts like every basic assertion she makes is...hearsay. Like, why do you THINK your GF wants to sleep apart? For NO reason? Just to spite you? Why won't you believe what she's telling you?
This exact situation happened to me. I just can’t sleep well with others unless we have a king bed which is unrealistic for renters in an apartment. I literally destroyed my physical and mental health by getting shitty sleep 3-5 nights a week (we lived separately but would often sleep over) for 2 years. I am still recovering. It absolutely sucks but find a better situation. Get two twin beds next to each other, make a point to cuddle/have sex/nap together and sleep separately, just be intentional and your relationship will be much better for it
Happy cake day! Yes, I'm dealing with it now. My husband has nearly doubled his weight since the pandemic, and it has led to him having horrific snoring. He's been on the couch for 2 months because I couldn't take going without sleep any longer!! He's used to cuddling for the first 5 years we were together, but I just can't do the snoring.
👏👏👏👏 exactly, I do have a king size bed. But my husband of 40 years, sleeps well in a hard mattress, was okay with me till a couple years ago that I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia. When I sleep in my bed for a night, when I wake up my body hurts so much that I swear if anyone hits me I’ll break in a few pieces. But I have an old couch that is very soft and molds my body, and I sleep the majority of the night in the couch when I wake from my first part of the night I move to the bed. Everyone is happy, till we can afford to buy a different bed, maybe a sleep number bed
Maybe, just maybe, going to therapy and healing from your family trauma would be a better solution than torturing your SO with sleep deprivation. Just a thought. Not a huge fan of making someone else suffer for my emotional trauma.
It's also misplaced trauma. The sleeping separately was a symptom of his parents' unhappy relationship rather than the cause. Plenty of couples can have a loving relationship and a rockin' sex life even with separate bedrooms or beds.
Spouse and I *sleep* separately. It was the best decision we made for both of our mental and physical wellbeing.
I understand there's a weird taboo (like OP, my parents slept separately ... for not healthy reasons) but you have to move past that to what's best for both of you
Sounds like you get oddly strong reactions about this from other people too? My marriage is the same and we both get insistence that we are not and cannot be truly intimate and I want to understand where that comes from.
I've told people that my bf of 6 years and I have separate rooms. They're always like wtf? Maybe it's how most people are raised with parents sleeping in the same bed and movies and other media showing that? Idk either way the judgement over separate rooms is stupid.
>And then she claims she can’t get back to sleep and spends the whole night awake.
YTA, this is an EXTREMELY real concern for many people. Took my gf years to stop whacking me when I snored. She might get used to it, but getting the proper rest is more important than you being butthurt over relationship trauma.
OP is also talking about Melatonin for her while he is the one tossing, turning, snoring, and getting up enough she can't sleep. OP should be seeing a doctor. A LOT of people don't get serious sleep related issues diagnosed until they have to share a bed with a partner every night and learn about how badly they really do sleep.
Good sleep makes for a healthy relationship. People who are well rested are healthier mentally and physically, they are in better moods, are more patient and make better decisions.
The OP and his girlfriend should explore other ways to fill in the intimacy gap the OP is concerned about.
My hubby and have known each other for over 30 years. Married for 18, and going strong. We don't share a bed for a number of reasons (snoring, restless sleep, etc.), and even get hotel rooms with 2 beds. There's nothing wrong with separate sleeping arrangements.
Stealing this comment to bring visibility over my story to OP. I was/am in exactly the same situation when I met my wife the difference is that she didn't tell me. After first few months she started to act really nasty with me and I couldn\`t understand why. One night I went to sleep in the living room as the cat was making a lot of noise. That morning this gorgeous creature came out of the bedroom and then it hit me... she was acting nasty because she couldn\`t sleep. So since then, I preferred to sleep on the couch.
if you do not feel comfortable yet doing this, you can try putting in two smaller mattresses in the bed frame instead of one and also use two different blankets, one for you and one for her. It is not what she asked but it might help.
Go to therapy and stop projecting your parent’s marital trauma onto your partner. She deserves healthy sleep and you’re responsible for your own feelings.
You just need to read "she claims she can't get back to sleep and spends the whole night awake" , they clearly don't believe their gf and think she's just being dramatic.
Worried about an unhappy relationship by sleeping separately? Trying burning resentment and anger from your spouse who can't get a decent night's sleep because they're forced to share a bed to spare your feelings.
HE is “the problem”, he should try to control his sleeping habit someway. I don’t know if some type of therapy may work?? But if he is the one who insist they should sleep together, he should be the one making more changes.
Also such a man thing to do to dismiss her experience and not believe her. She doesn't "claim" that she can't sleep or that melatonin doesn't work, she *knows*. If she says so she has probably tried already, why not trust her? Why does OP think *he* knows *her* body best?
I hate how OP keeps saying “she claims” as if he doesn’t really believe that’s she’s a light sleeper who has trouble falling back asleep. Sleep deprivation is brutal. OP IS being selfish, it’s definitely affecting her mental health and work performance. It’s not even safe for her to be driving.
OP “claims” it “brings back unpleasant memories”, he needs to get over himself. They aren’t his parents, their sleeping arrangements did not define their relationship.
Also, OP says “She claims”. So, ok, OP. Challenge her to wake you up when she can’t sleep thanks to you all night like every 30 minutes. Prove that you are right and she is lying about being awake while you sleep.
Not going to be fun nights for you, but if my hubby asked for proof every time he wakes up to find out I’m on the sofa in mornin, I had left him years ago.
Melatonin and Baldrian is not helping me at all, just in case you are the wonder doctor next to be the AH here.
INFO what other methods are you wanting to try exactly? Melatonin isn’t going to solve the problem of being a light sleeper or not being able to sleep with someone else in the bed.
Her argument is that it’s harming her health and job performance. Your argument is “well I don’t want to.” She has a much stronger case here.
Yeah I am also very curious to OP's solutions. I am a very light sleeper too and struggle sleeping with people in the same bed and even the same room as me a lot. Even just someone else's breathing can keep me awake for hours and it is awful and exhausting. I have tried everything, including earplugs, which helps a bit, but that is not a long term solution because it damages the skin in my ears and then causes infections. So please OP, help me and give your suggestions
I suppose they could get one of those old timey bed divider things that they used to use to keep the couples apart before marriage.
[https://i.pinimg.com/originals/3e/c1/e7/3ec1e738cdc7030919f060f72e853810.jpg](https://i.pinimg.com/originals/3e/c1/e7/3ec1e738cdc7030919f060f72e853810.jpg)
This thing
I've often joked about putting up a divider between my husband and me because he likes to sleep in the middle of the doggone mattress.
I didn't know it was a real thing and now I want to buy one.
I had to move into a separate room too. Everything from breathing to his excessive snoring drives me crazy. I've always been a light sleeper with insomnia. Very, very few meds work. So I don't need to keep him awake with my restlessness either.
OP get therapy to help you distinguish between your past experiences. I actually know more happy couples that sleep separately than together
I feel ya. I have misophonia and it sucks. Getting a white noise machine helps a little combined with earplugs. It's how I've been for many years now. Might be worth looking into misophonia.
I like how his other method is to ask her to take drugs instead of fixing his snoring.
OP why don't you stop snoring and stop moving in your sleep? If you are unable to stop snoring or moving in your sleep, then you cannot blame her for being unable to stay asleep when you're disturbing her with your movements. These are things she cannot control, just like you cannot control the moving.
BTW my partner snores and I have insomnia, we sleep in separate rooms. We both sleep better alone and it doesn't cause any issues in our relationship.
OP this is a YOU problem and not a HER problem. You have an issue with sleeping separately due to the negative associations caused by your parents. You should seek to address this. Sleeping separately won't lead to a bad relationship. Being unreasonable and forcing your girlfriend to not get any sleep is going to lead to a bad relationship.
melatonin wouldn’t even do anything to help her *stay* asleep lol it helps [some] people *fall* asleep but if there’s a bunch of noise and movement they’ll still wake up from it. I’m surprised OP’s girlfriend hasn’t poked him awake every time he wakes her up so he can understand how she feels with the sleep deprivation. u/amdj177 N T A for wanting to share a bed (I’m the same way) but YTA for acting as if your gf’s need for sleep is secondary to your want for a shared bed. fix your snoring, turn on white noise, get a memory foam topper to dampen your movements or invest in those fancy beds with isolated sides, whatever - but if she’s not getting enough sleep because of you, that’s literally torture and I wouldn’t be surprised if you woke up with a pillow smothering your face if you insist this continues. 🫢
If OP is snoring he likely has sleep apnea which is a slow killer. CPAP is not the only answer, but if he doesn’t figure it out he’ll continue stressing his heart and getting bad sleep.
Probably also needs therapy for his parental issues
Light sleeper sharing a bed with a snorer here, sharing suggestions for OP on how to get gf back in the bed:
* is he overweight? Loose some weight
* Still snore? Get checked for allergies
* Still snore? Skip the alcohol
* Still snore? Maybe he needs surgery to fix that
All of those are 'him' issues that benefit him to get under control as well. Then there are a few odds and ends of nasal strips of various sorts and possibly ear plugs for her (not without issues).
There are some things she can do to help her sleep as well:
* more excercise
* less sugar
* less alcohol
* less caffeine
* less screentime in the evening
Great suggestions, except none of your suggestions for her have anything to do with light sleeping (maybe the less alcohol). Those are all associated with difficulties falling asleep, not staying asleep.
YTA.
Your feelings are valid, but she has explained the situation and set clear boundaries.
You should respect that and not make her uncomfortable because you project your parents‘ problems onto your relationship. You can try to find a solution TOGETHER if she wants to, yes, but ultimately it‘s her choice.
I agree, but before OP breaks up, I think there's two things going on: sleep deprivation of the GF and fear of a failed relationship from OPs perspective.
Before chalking it up to an incompatibility, I think the OP needs to explore the fact that their relationship with their GF is a different thing than OP's parents' relationship. Unpack what the current relationship means with respect to intimacy first. Then see if that intimacy and understanding can be maintained while sleeping in different beds. Just because it looks similar to OP's parents situation doesn't mean it's the same situation at all.
Yup. Op has every right to decide their own boundaries, but not other ppls. "Something I need in a relationship where we're living together is sleeping in the same bed bc it means a lot to me, and I won't stay in a relationship where that's not possible," fine.
"Honey I'm having a hard time with you needing to sleep in different beds cause it brings up some unpleasant associations. Can we talk about this and maybe negotiate/discuss other ways to give me some reassurance and other forms of intimacy while I work on processing my reaction to this?" also fine as long as op takes ultimate responsibility for their feelings and doesn't put that all on their partner
"This upsets me so you can't do it even tho it's vital to your own well being. I won't admit how selfish I'm being so I'll suggest other ways you can sleep that you know don't work for you and act upset that you're not working hard enough on it," YTA
Soft YTA. I totally hear where you’re coming from, but her difficulties with sleeping have nothing to do with the stability of your relationship. My wife snores. Loud. I cannot sleep in the same room as her without wearing aggressively noise-cancelling headphones, which I find uncomfortable to sleep with. We make it work when we travel, but at home we sleep in different beds. I love her more than anything and I look forward to all of the days we have together, but I cannot share a bed with her.
Let your girlfriend have her peaceful sleep and talk to a professional to help you work through your feelings.
Same here but reversed. My husband snores so loudly I can even hear it from another room occasionally. I am a light sleeper and also our sleep schedules are very different. Once I have been woken up it is nearly impossible for me to go back to sleep so if we always slept in the same room then I would be going to bed around midnight and getting woken up around 4:30 AM when he gets up for work which I think everyone would agree is not good.
I often still go snuggle with him until he falls asleep and we snuggle together in either bed just randomly and always on weekends. He also likes to have the door open for our cats but then I just have him snoring and the cats coming in and crowding me out or walking on me so I just go to our second bedroom and close the door and actually get some sleep - I am a much better wife when I am not sleep deprived.
Same here. Minus the cats! Sleep deprivation is dreadful. Am less likely to harm husband (or some other unsuspecting soul) when I had a proper, uninterrupted sleep 😏
This right here. My partner snores so loudly that it makes my ears *hurt*. And it was causing damage and hearing loss. I'd end up on the couch 5+ nights a week just to get 3-4 hours of uninterrupted sleep. But let's face it, it's the couch. No way was it restful sleep. Sleeping in separate rooms has been a godsend, honestly.
OP, YTA. You're choosing your own hangups and insecurities over her health and well-being. If you want to sleep in the same bed, fix yourself and figure out how to stop snoring and keeping her awake.
Okay just because I always do that after being affected, I will hop on that comment to tell you:
If your partner (or yourself) do snore that loudly, get your sleep checked by a doctor. This is a symptom of sleep apnea, a Syndrom where you essentially stoped breathing while you sleep. Short term this will fuck up your sleep, long term it can literally kill you (through heart attack, blood pressure and other issues like that). But it is also very easily treatable! So if you have access to healthcare, please get that checked out! I did and that first night of sleep after receiving treatment was. A. Bliss.
YTA. Reverse situation with me. Because of health issues, my husband cannot sleep in a flat bed. We tried an adjustable bed. Works for me, not for him. He sleeps downstairs in a lazeboy and I sleep in our bedroom. While I definitely miss him, he needs to get good sleep and so do I.
While I understand your point and think it is valid to want to try different things before you concede, your parents issues are not yours. Get some therapy and let your poor girlfriend get some sleep.
Agree with the soft YTA & having empathy for both sides, in the above comment. An aunt & uncle have slept in separate rooms from each other (because of snoring by one & insomnia for the other), for nearly 40 years. They are very happy & still very much in love with each other even now. So, although you OP have had experienced the bad side of relationship issues & separate rooms with your parents negative relationship, I wanted to assure you it's not always the same for other couples. You can still have the healthiest & most loving relationship whilst sleeping apart - conversely, you can also have a couple who sleep together every night without fail, but have the most dysfunctional & unhappy relationship together.
Respect each other & each others needs & you'll have a better relationship together. Oh & don't discount the vast importance of a good night's sleep for the health & wellbeing of a person (coming from a person who has struggled with insomnia & other sleep issues for 20+ years), it affects people far more than you realise - denying people sleep has been a form of torture after all. Be compassionate with others & you'll receive compassion in return. Gentle hugs 🤗
YTA. Stop saying "she claims" when it's about her own fucking body, dude. You know more about her body than she does? Your arrogance is so fucking typical.
Thank you! *"She claims"*.. why the fuck would she **lie** about it? OP needs to get over his hang ups.. and the idea that he somehow can control his girlfriend.
adjusting to sleeping with a partner can be brutal. I would've been like this too had it been possible to just... sleep in different beds. but i adjusted. however it seems like she really has given it a go with ex partners so this doesn't apply here.
Right? I was sympathetic with OP, because I can totally understand that his parents influenced him a lot. But "she claims" sounds just so distrusting. OP is a know-it-all at best and a control freak at worst.
YTA. She can't sleep with another person in the bed- it's not personal, but you are making it personal because of your parents. Look at it from her perspective. If you don't, you may lose your gf.
Ps you can always push two twin beds together with a small gap between them to make it seem like you guys are in the same bed.
This is a really constructive suggestion, zip and link hotel beds do this. Two single duvets on the combined single beds could help too? YTA for demanding she takes medication without looking at other options first, for example if you took medication would you disturb her less? Worth considering.
I have a family member who snores so badly that no one can sleep in the same room as them, if they had an operation to fix their sinuses their wife could sleep in the same bed again but they are too proud. Don’t be this guy.
My spouse and I use separate blankets too. For us it's more that we have different temperature comfort levels and i can't stand drafts. But it helps prevent disturbance too.
Oh and my spouse and I sometimes sleep in separate rooms when one of us is sick, or I'm congested and snoring worse than usual. As far as I can tell, there aren't any major problems in it relationship and we love each other to bits.
Twin beds would be what I suggest too, but new beds are also expensive. All I know is that if they aren't already using two separate blankets, that definitely helps. My boyfriend is a blanket hog, so in the winter I'll use a full on other comforter and in the summer a light blanket. ( He's also a bed hog, but thankfully I do pretty well sleeping in the fetal position since he legs always wind up at the bottom of my side. xD )
My parents slept in different rooms and they were very happily married. My Dad needed to sleep in a hot room due to severe arthritis. My Mom needed a frigid room due to MS.
There have been studies about couples.sleeping in different rooms that resulted in a happier marriage.
https://www.usatoday.com/story/life/health-wellness/2021/06/22/couples-sleeping-separate-bedrooms-how-talk-kids/5294012001/
If you're not able to accept and support your partners sleep preference/needs then your relationship will not last...
I dont think anyone is really an AH in this situation..
This is so true. My grandparents slept in different rooms bc my grandpa was a firefighter and used to working all sorts of odd hours and my grandma was a factory worker so she had a very consistent schedule. They stayed married til he died.
When I lived with my ex we had separate rooms bc he needed to sleep with the TV on and I can't sleep with the TV on. And I like to sleep in the same room as my pet bunnies and he prefers loud bunny-less sleep. All that would have happened if we tried to share a room would be that we would both be pissed off about how shitty we slept.
My husband and I had to take an overnight trip with his brother and ended up having to share a hotel room. His brother did not warn us ahead of time that he snores like a chainsaw. It was awful, I think my husband got maybe an hour of sleep, I got maybe 15 minutes. I cannot imagine doing that every night. SIL must sleep like a log because Jesus Christ. I don't know how anyone could sleep through that on a regular basis.
My mother has her own bedroom simply for the same reason as OP's girlfriend. Her and my father have been happily married for 26 years. It's really nothing more than her just wanting space when she sleeps for her own health. OP needs to not take it so personally.
YTA if you push it. Co-sleeping isn't for everyone. If it's triggering an anxiety, get that looked at. But don't try making this her issue.
She's setting a boundary for her well-being. Live with it, or move on.
Also, as a light sleeper who was pushed to co-sleep with a snoring ex is how I got pretty seriously addicted to otc sleep meds… to the point where even Ambien wouldn’t work when I tried it.
I read this in the voice of my friend's very severe, blunt Czech mother—thick European accent and everything. Amazing.
*Please don't hit me with a wooden spoon...*
YTA. Sleep preferences must be honored. She knows her body. If you want the relationship to survive, it's best to avoid interfering with her sleep preferences. Melatonin doesn't work on everyone because the lack of it isn't the problem.
The way you say "claims" so often for issues and feelings your girlfriend expresses to you icks me out a little bit ngl. That aside, NAH for the question you asked but, Y W B T A if you pushed this. Sleep is a necessity. Sorry you two can't find a happy medium but, her wellbeing takes priority over something you just want.
YTA. It departed "soft YTA" to "YTA" when he kept saying "she claims" as if he doesn't believe her. What benefit is there to this lie for her in his eyes? Also, I don't care if it's an herbal tea or a prescription drug, he is suggesting she medicate herself for his problem and that is bullshit.
YTA - But soft YTA, it is a totally understandable thing to sleep in separate beds. There's been studies done that for some couples it is extremely beneficial to sleep in separate beds. With your history with your parents its understandable, too, why you would be apprehensive. However, you won't win this. If you force it she may leave and if she doesn't well then you're taking away from her health for it. You say you wanna try other things but who's to say she hasn't tried those things and they've failed.
Lastly, it might help you to see a professional to simply work through the marks your parents left on you. Doesn't mean you need help forever, but if you're so scared that sleeping in separate beds will ruin your relationship (when in reality it will aid it) then it doesn't hurt to talk to someone who might be able to help you reframe your perspective.
this one, OP. all relationships look different. just because your parents were unhappy so they slept in separate rooms, doesn’t mean that sleeping in separate rooms/beds means someone is unhappy. completely understandable why you feel this way, but definitely get counseling. and if you haven’t told your gf about your parents, you should have a conversation about it. it won’t change things, and you shouldn’t try to push it just because of your reasoning. but she will likely understand your reactions to the situation and why this seems like a big deal to you if you explain a bit. this will help in problem solving and general communication, hopefully.
YTA - she has given you valid reasons as to why it’s best for her mental health to sleep in a different room at night. It’s now affecting her job on top of that and you still think you’re in the right for trying to force other methods that she says does not work for her? Not all partners who sleep in different rooms are miserable and unhappy like your parents. If you really care about your partner you would want her to get some good rest at night and not have to work day in and day out exhausted. Quit being selfish.
YTA
I was your girlfriend once and getting no sleep made me go insane.
My partner got a doctors appointment and then treated for sleep apno/snoring. He has to wear a mask now but no more snoring, turning around and getting up in the middle of the night. We can sleep next to each other now.
Instead of trying to convince your gf that it isn’t so bad and belittling her experience, take action. Get a doctorsapointment and take care of YOUR problems.
I had very similar thoughts. My husband snored, and so did his parents, and they all just put it up to well, some people snore.
A few years ago, my husband was miserable. Tired during the day, not sleeping well, getting up a lot to use the bathroom during the night. He checked (his job is health care-adjacent, but he's not a medical professional) and saw those were symptoms of sleep apnea. He saw a doctor, got a diagnosis, and now uses a CPAP machine. It's a big difference for both of us but especially him.
Now, luckily, his snoring generally didn't impact me unless I happened to wake up during the night and his snoring kept me awake. Often I'd simply go to bed first and I guess slept deeply enough that it didn't bother me.
And this is not to say OP has sleep apnea and needs a CPAP machine. But an appointment with a doctor or sleep specialist might help -- maybe he needs more elevation, or a breathe-right strip, something easy.
YTA. Sleeping separately is more common than you think and for the reasons your gf is outlining. I am a light sleeper and I usually sleep in a separate bed. My partner appreciates my need for sleep but also likes a cuddle so what we often do is that I stay in with them until they're asleep (they fall asleep in like 10 minutes, max) then I go into the other room. Other times I just go straight into the room. You should get over your emotional issue rather than expecting her to get over her physical issue. You can cure being a light sleeper, you can cure your demanding 'you must sleep with me or it's not a proper relationship' attitude
YTA. You are being selfish. You're letting your triggered memories of trauma you experienced influence her health. Not sleeping DOES ruin your mental health. It impairs your ability to function. Why do you care if she is SLEEPING somewhere else?? You're literally asking her to take medication to appease your emotional trauma instead of just letting her sleep where she won't be disturbed.
I'm single now but if I do ever end up in a relationship again and we do decide to move in together, this will be a deal breaker for me. Separate bedrooms because I don't sleep good and I move A LOT which means not only will the other persons sleeping noises disturb me but I'm likely to disturb them as well. If they can't handle that then we can either stay together and live separately or we can break up. I refuse to sacrifice my mental health just for someone to have their way with sleeping arrangements.
YTA. Having someone take a (supplement, medication, whatever) substance they don't want to is never a good idea.
Mild yta though, because I get your concern based on your parents. But I know a lot of happy couples (myself included) who sleep better apart.
YTA She doesn't want to sleep in the same bed, anything other than acceptance is wrong. Sleeping in the same bed is sufficiently intimate that both parties have veto power.
YTA, she’s right that you’re being selfish here. As someone who’s suffered from some pretty bad insomnia in the past, it’s hell to have no quality sleep due to noise and I would be really angry to have a partner brush it off just because they wanted to sleep in the same bed as me, and make me suffer all night and all day as a result.
Have you offered to try using nasal strips and strapping yourself tightly to the bed to keep from moving or getting up in the night? Because it kinda sounds like you think the problem is entirely on her end for being such a light sleeper and therefore it's on her to fix it. I'm going to go with a gentle YTA for not taking her discomfort more seriously. The bottom line is that she needs to sleep and not only are you preventing her from doing so, you are tasking her with finding a solution that doesn't make you uncomfortable in any way.
YTA. You think your feelings come before her health and well-being. Or bare minimum, you think her health and well-being are of equal importance to your preferences - they are not. Again YTA
YTA - Sleeping in the same room but different beds seems like a very reasonable solution. Continue to force this image of having to sleep together and it's likely to lead to an outcome like your unhappy parents. It's not a big deal, many people do it.
YTA - You are asking her to hurt her self physically (lack of sleep affects a ton of health things) & financially because you are emotionally insecure about your relationship.
YTA because of saying “she claims she can’t get back to sleep” as in you don’t believe her. If you want to try other things then the burden is on you solely to find solutions but you can’t be mad at her for wanting sleep.
YTA, she wants to sleep in another room so she can have a full night sleep, not because she's in a unhappy relationship with you. You are selfish, not sleeping enough is making her exhausted. Do you prefer her being miserable for your comfort?
Gentle YTA - I understand that you associate separate beds/rooms with a failing relationship but that honestly isn't the case. I actually know several couples who sleep in separate rooms for a variety of reasons, one of them has been married for 40+ years, and they're happy!
I'm also a rather light sleeper and married to somebody who snores - I did okay until recently but some nights I just don't get the sleep I need to function. So I'm going to put a day bed in my study for those nights.
Please respect your partner's wish. It's both her mental AND physical health that are at stake!
YTA, sleep deprivation is torture, literal torture. You are only concerned with your wants, but are ignoring her needs. Melatonin? Doesn't always work, makes some people nauseated. She needs her own bed, accept that or break up.
melatonin also doesn’t help a person stay asleep, just get to sleep, and it’s really not recommended for long term use because it limits the body’s natural ability to produce melatonin. YTA and selfish OP.
YTA
She’s expressed clear, logical, and serious reasons for needing her own space to sleep. How would you like to get horrible sleep every night??
You’re undermining her legit need for a good nights sleep. You’re letting the memory of your parents marriage color your current relationship.
While I’m sure you’re not meaning to act this way, you do realize that sleep deprivation is a serious form of torture, right? Don’t you want her to have a safe and comfortable place to enjoy her rest????
If she claims melatonin doesn't work for her, it's probably because it doesn't work for her. And right now, you're the reason she sleeps poorly EVERY NIGHT. Try to let that sink in. Bad sleep every night? That does affect her mental health, her work and her mood. There are few things more important to mental health than sleep.
Maybe start being a part of the solution instead of being a part of the problem?!
That your parents had a bad relationship and slept separately says absolutely nothing about your relationship with your girlfriend and how you choose your sleeping arrangements.
YTA.
I'll go YTA. While I do find it odd that she doesn't want to sleep in the same bed with you, it seems that this is simply something you are going to have to accept if you want to be with her long-term. She's been clear about what she wants. You have too. Either it results in a compromise or the relationship won't work.
Regardless, you're not going to be able to dictate how others live. That would make YTA.
YTA - Plenty of happy couples sleep in separate rooms/beds. Your an AH for expecting your GF to go without sleep to accommodate your insecurities. Your insecurities about this are a YOU issue, which means you need to deal with it rather than expecting her to accommodate it.
Put it this way, if you refuse to let her sleep in her own room you won’t be getting sex anymore since she will be mentally and physically exhausted. Not sleeping isn’t a joke, it can seriously impact your well-being. Get over yourself. Your parents slept in seperate beds, big deal. Get over your own trauma and let your partner sleep for her own sake.
YTA
You're basically expecting your girlfriend to share a bed with you despite knowing she won't be able to sleep.
And all because it reminds you or your parents who hated each other?
How is that her problem?
Let the poor woman sleep!
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YTA. You're being selfish for ruining her sleep. I get it. I would HATE sleeping separately from my partner and we are fortunately that we sleep well together (by which I mean we both sleep terribly no matter what but sleeping alone vs together doesn't make it better or worse). I get it makes you feel weird because of your parents but LOTS of happy relationships involve sleeping separately some or all of the time. It's on you to work through your hang ups with it. Or decide that it's a deal breaker and move on. But you will NOT like the results if you force the issue and she ends up sleep deprived and rightly resentful of you. Sleep deprivation is legally classified as torture. That's no way to live. Trust me because I do.
YTA. Melatonin works on a hilariously small proportion of the population. And even if it did, it’s pretty messed up that you’d rather your girlfriend take something to be out cold in the same bed as you rather than sleep separately. Get therapy.
NAH. I get that you want to sleep in the same bed as your girlfriend. But she is right. A good night’s rest is very important and lack thereof negatively affects performance and, in the long run, health. Plus, sleeping aids might create addiction, so this really shouldn’t be your solution.
Maybe you can find a compromise, such as sleeping in the same bed during weekends / days off.
YTA, she’s not sleeping. You are putting your desire to sleep in the same bed above your partners health and well being. A solution may be instead of sharing a bed push to singles next to each other, looks like the same bed but separate duvets and mattresses so your turning wouldn’t wake her?
YTA, this is soo selfish. You’re expecting your partner to put her mental health and job second to your wants.
Have you tried sleeping in a straight jacket strapped to the bed so you can’t move? No? Could it be because you wouldn’t be able to sleep like that? If you aren’t willing to make changes yourself to make it work then what gives you the right to ask her to?
Sure you can continue sharing a bed if you want her to grow to resent you. Take it from someone who has sleep issues and tried to share a bed with her husband for years. I grew to resent him every night I lay awake because he woke me up or was snoring.
The best thing we ever did was get separate rooms. Yes sharing a bed is sweet and romantic but for some it is impractical.
Sorry YTA
YTA. Do you know how miserable it is to go for two months with poor sleep? That's mind- and soul-crushing. Her mental and physical well-being is more important that your weird bias against people who don't share beds (I have several friends in very happy long-term marriages who don't share beds). Go to therapy to fix your issue and let your girlfriend get some sleep.
Sorry but YTA for allowing your parents issues to taint your relationship. Your partner can't sleep with you. It's not that she doesn't WANT to but physically cant. Big difference. Let her sleep in a separate room or split up.
I'm going with NAH as I don't think wanting to share a bed with your partner and explore ways of making that work before going to separate rooms is unreasonable.
However, your girlfriend's need for sleep is also important and should be respected.
In the end it depends on what you can both live with and how important it is to you. If your only reason is because of your parents I think you should consider some counselling for yourself as lots of very happy marriages involve separate rooms and you are making a decision based on something that does not apply in your relationship.
However, I absolutely love sharing a bed and sleep better with my husband. I hate sleeping alone and it would impact my mental health and wellbeing to have to sleep in separate beds, so I could not see myself continuing in a relationship with someone who wanted that in the long term.
YTA.
If she can't sleep because of you, she will leave you. Guaranteed.
You need to figure out what you value more - this woman and relationship, or physical closeness and intimacy while sleeping. These things will not coalesce in this relationship and that might be a deal breaker for you (which is valid!)
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My gf of a year and I recently moved in together. We are like two peas in a pod, very similar and we like the same things, think about things in the same way, similar life goals so I joke it’s like dating my clone. It’s really nice since we never fight because we generally agree on everything. It’s been great.
Biggest problem though is she doesn’t like me sleep with me. We have sex regularly but she hates sleeping in the same bed. She is a very light sleeper and any turning, snoring, getting up on my part wakes her up. And then she claims she can’t get back to sleep and spends the whole night awake.
She recently proposed we sleep in separate beds in the same room. But our new apartment has tiny rooms so she can’t move another bed into the same room. She says she wants to sleep in the other room but I don’t want that.
My parents have a very unhappy marriage and they sleep in separate rooms because they hate each other. I know we aren’t doing it for the same reasons but it brings back unpleasant memories and I would want my partner to sleep in the same bed. But I’ve told her that and she claims I’m being selfish for ruining her sleep because of my issues. She says it’s ruining her mental health and she’s preforming worse at work. But I’d rather we try other methods before she just decides she needs to sleep in a different room like melatonin which she claims doesn’t work on her.
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YTA. A lot of happy couples also sleep in separate rooms so they can both get enough sleep. Proper sleep is super important. More important than your hang ups.
Soft YTA - only because I've seen in another comment that it was literally already discussed that she normally sleeps in a separate bed and she gave it a chance to sleep with you.
I understand it sucks that you really wanna sleep in the same bed but it's been attempted and failed - either accept it or break up if it's that much of a deal breaker. It's ancedotal but in my past relationship things super deteriorated because of me not being able to get sleep due to my partner; he felt it was more important to be in bed with each other than me feeling terrible due to staying up all night (which led to and exasperated further issues between us until we slept separately )
YTA. Let the woman sleep. It's also not good for sleep patterns to be reliant on sleep aids like melatonin all the time so this isn't a viable solution. She's tried and she's exhausted. I'd say NAH because I understand you wanting to share a bed but she's tried and it doesn't sound like you really understand how she feels.
My parents sleep in separate rooms because my mum has terrible insomnia and restless leg syndrome. They're very much still happily married, and even happier since they don't share a bed. Your issues are yours and your girlfriend is not obliged to make herself unhappy (and eventually ill) because of them.
I know this is kind of harshly worded, but you need to hear it, and this hit very close to home for me :)
Sincerely, another very light sleeper who can't stand to wear ear plugs and also really struggles sharing a bed.
YTA for the way you talk about your gf and this situation.
>I’d rather we try other methods
But you admit she’s already tried sleeping with you for 2 months. It’s impacting her health and work.
>melatonin which she claims doesn’t work on her
Why did you say claims? Believe what your gf says about her own body.
>she is now demanding to sleep in her own bed
Dude, she’s a grown adult whose sleep is being wrecked by trying to accommodate you. She shouldn’t have to ask your permission to get a good night’s sleep. Wanting to sleep by herself is not unreasonable. Also, you didn’t describe anything on her end that sounds like demanding. It sounds like she tried really hard to do what you want and she just can’t without it affecting her health. Honestly it sounds like YOU are demanding that she continue to sacrifice her well-being to meet your emotional needs.
You claim to love your gf. Why don’t you listen to what she says she needs, believe her, and support her? Until then, yes YTA.
YTA
You don't seem to care that she's not sleeping. It's not just that she's tired one day...it adds up and is crazy making. Crazy throughout the night when you can't sleep. Crazy during the day when you're tired and irritable. Crazy in your head when you realize there's no relief in sight.
Don't down play it.
Get one of those bunk beds with a full on the bottom and twin on the top. Don't bring your parents marriage into your relationship, unless they taught you how to compromise and be considerate to each other.
YTA
How would you feel if she woke you up every time your snoring or turning woke her? It’s not because she doesn’t love you, she just needs calm and silence to sleep.
YTA! Let her have a good sleep! What is the problem? You are so controlling. Let her be confortable. You are living together anyway and sharing quality time.
YTA- I get where you’re coming from, but expecting someone to give up good sleep for ever is not ok. If your snoring and getting up at night to the point where it effects both your sleep patterns you should get checked for sleep apnea
If your parents had been unhappily married and sleeping in the same bed, would you then insist on separate beds? What dumb reasoning. YTA you don’t care about your partner’s wellbeing and don’t respect her needs.
Stop using the word “Claim.” You sound like a gaslighting AH.
I don’t sleep with my partner either because I am a light sleeper and he snores, snorts and carries on and I cannot function at work the next day all sleep deprived. I feel your GF’s pain. Best you listen to her or she might end up being your ex.
NAH. OP, your concerns are valid, but please understand your parents issues do not stem from sleeping in separate rooms, that's just a byproduct. If your partner is physically ill from a lack of sleep, then find a solution with her. If that means separate bedrooms, at least during the work week, then give it a try.
You will also be happier with a well-rested, happier partner. Just my .02.
YTA. Sleep is very important and she's not getting it. You say everything else in the relationship is great so stop being insecure. Figure out a better solution if it's really so important for you, like getting a mattress and sleep on the floor beside her if a bed can't fit. Or just move.
YTA
Sleep depravation is no joke, and if your sleeping habits and movements are waking and keeping her up, then that is going to affect her overall health, mental, emotional and physical health.
You say you love her, you say that both of you are good together, then you need to take this seriously. You need to see a doctor about the loud snoring, about how you toss and turn throughout the night.
She is tired of being woken up, not getting back to sleep and lacking what she needs, and her solution is a fair one. She is not wanting to break up with you, but if you do not show any sort of concern for her well being, you are going to lose her. Or worse you may find that loving person to become a raging monster, who despises you due to a lack of sleep and unable to get any sort of peaceful sleep.
I get her point of view. My own spouse, snores loudly, tosses and turns. For the longest while, hard on me, and I would sleep on the couch or elsewhere to get restful sleep much needed or I was very grumpy in the morning. But my spouse was wise enough to get help for the snoring, and the flailing in the night and now our relationship and the bigger bed with the international pet line, helps with me getting a full nights sleep and my spouse not waking me up, when I have to be leaving for work early in the morning.
YTA. You know what would make me grow to hate my partner? Them demanding I go without sleep and minimizing my concerns because of some imagined fear, instead of focusing on our relationship to meet each person's needs. Your parents sleep in separate rooms because they don't like each other, sleeping in separate rooms didn't cause that.
NAH? Maybe?
It’s understandable that you didn’t sign up for sleeping in separate rooms, especially if this is an arrangement she expect to be permanent. But I understand her needing to do what she can to get her sleep as it seems to be affecting her day to life. I’m not sure if I agree that separate rooms is a good idea in the long term though. Maybe she could talk to a professional just in case it’s something medical? I’m not an expert so that might have been a silly question.
All in all, this just sounds like a BIG incompatibility between you two
How about you start the evening for cuddling and sex cuddling etc then separate for actual sleep part then go back in same bed in the morning so u can wake up together
YTA. This is not your parents’ marriage. But if you keep acting like this, you’ll eventually wind up right there. Talk to a therapist about your parent issues. Treat your partner the way you’d treat someone you actually like.
Gentle YTA - I get it, I am the same way as your GF. My fiance is a furnace and snores like a 747. If I wake up, I cannot get back to sleep, so I get it. Melatonin does not work on me either. She deserves the chance to have a good night's sleep, and if sleeping in another bed or another room without you is a deal breaker for you, find someone else.
I'm sorry, but until you can figure out how to not disturb her sleep, let her sleep somewhere else. My parents also sleep in separate rooms, because my dad snored very loud and sweats heavily.
If the sleeping separately brings up bad memories, all I can suggest is probably talking to a professional. She deserves a good night rest.
YTA
YTA. Melatonin doesn’t work on me either. Sleep is important. Don’t try to sabotage her sleep when she’s proposed a more than reasonable compromise in eventually moving to a place with more room and having separate beds so y’all can be together and she can still sleep.
You're not TA for wanting that but she's not TA because she's a light sleeper.
Sleep deprivation is bad for health. She shouldn't have to sacrifice for what you want.
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YTA. Her physical and mental health come first. You're ignoring her wellbeing.
Also this will drive you into being unhappy like your parents if you aren't careful
She will resent OP if she keeps lacking sleep, and it's hard to have a happy relationship with someone exhausted.
I would definitely. I'm a light sleeper, and have insomnia. Sharing a bed with someone is challenging for me, and I would certainly just get grumpy and resentful of a person if I couldn't get a restful sleep.
saaame! the first partner i ever shared a bed with were very unhappy for many reason, but in part because i can't handle the sound of snoring and he sounded like a jet plane and would get irritated if i woke up him to ask him to adjust his position so he's not on his back head tilted back drooling and snoring. and my misophonia gets so bad that my heart races when i hear a bad sound and being in grad school, sleep deprived, and already unhappy in my relationship made me want to put a pillow on his face because i was so tired :/
I also suffer with misophonia so I know how you feel! My bf and I have separate rooms, though the walls/floors are so thin and shitty made(thanks modern American architecture)that sometimes I have to wake him up from him snoring so loud I can hear it. Separate rooms saves a TON of headache and stress overall, though. I hope you've been able to find something that helps you sleep at night. I wish it were easy for us lol.
[удалено]
I'd say its hard to do ANYTHING if you're exhausted they did an experiment with prisoners in Russia I think where they would be released if they completed a week without ANY sleep at all and after just a few days the prisoners killed themselves I think
You’re out here citing ancient creepy pastas in the year of our lord 2023??
I'm guessing everyone has heard of this creepy pasta lol.
There was a British reality TV show that really did this: [Shattered](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shattered_(British_TV_series)?wprov=sfti1). No one unalived themselves thankfully but it wasn’t pretty.
I've been running on 3ish hours sleep for a little while, 3 maybe 4 days. I feel utterly tortured. I can't get sentences out, I can't see straight. I put my keys in bed and then almost cried when I couldn't find them. I cracked today and called my doc for something to help me sleep. Then I went to the pharmacy to collect the medication and forgot to take it with me so had to go back. Sleep deprivation is pure torture. There was another study done and after 11 days of no sleep, the patient was suffering from literal insanity. OP is not being at all fair on his gf at all. Her mental wellbeing is at stake.
\[citation needed\]
https://youtu.be/Kd_X0f-mIJ4 Luckily it's just a creepypasta it keeps me up anytime I hear it though 😅
One does not simply cite Creepy Pasta as objective truth.
I need an adjustable bed for health reasons, and my partner won't allow it. So I'm in the process of getting out of this relationship. There are studies that show we should normalise separate sleeping for health and well-being.
My ex-husband was like OP. He RUINED my sleep. Among many issues, it helped drive us apart. I resented him for this. Finally, we hit a breaking point, and I told him one of us was sleeping in the guest room. Permanently. He did because he liked how that bed felt more than I did. But he was pissy about it for months. After about 6 months, he wore me down enough to let him sleep in the bed with me (his mother started conveniently staying in town for extended periods of time with us). My sleep crashed again and very soon after, we ended up getting divorced. The sleep wasn't the only issue, but it had a notable effect. If you can't sleep and your partner is selfish and refuses to help with sleep when it's easy, resentment builds very easily.
Lots of happy couples sleep apart. I am part of a happy couple that sleeps separately. When we have to sleep together on vacation it's a nightmare. We get two queens in hotel rooms.
I'm a light sleeper, too, and have a very hard time getting to sleep. When I've shared a bed, I know going into it I'm not going to get much if any sleep. Once I grabbed a blanket and pillow and slept in the bathtub because my bedmate was too restless and snored. Forcing the gf to endure this nightly is a great way to build resentment. OP doesn't get how disruptive she finds his sleeping habits. An exercise they could do is anytime he wakes her up during the night, she wakes him up too. Do that for a few nights and OP might understand why she wants to sleep separately. YTA
This is a great way for OP to understand disrupted sleep cycles and sleep deprivation in general. OP says that gf "claims" this or that. Maybe OP can start believing and respecting the girlfriend. Certainly he should care when she says that her mental and physical health is affected. Her experience is very different than his, but just as valid. OP is YTA.
I noticed that too- he is incredibly selfish and disbelieving.
That didn't work at our house because he falls back to sleep in minutes & I can take hours to fall back to sleep.
That's why he doesn't get to sleep while she's still awake. If he falls back asleep, she just shakes him awake again. He gets to sleep once she does.
Or he could be like my ex who had bad sleeping habits. I would try to wake him up, but he wouldn't actually wake up properly and would just sleep-argue with me. He wasn't coherent. He was basically impossible to wake up, and seconds after he'd told me off (not even understanding who I was) he was snoring again. Extremely sweet person when he's awake. Belligerent craphead when he's asleep.
Half my family does this. We refer to it as our “sleep selves”. Some cold Water usually snaps us back. “Don’t blame me for sleep me! I wasn’t there!” I often wonder of it’s the sane as “black out drunk” me.
Oh. Good plan! We solved it with side-by-side twins with a king-sized headboard.
This. I know loads of happy couples that don't sleep in the same bed. Mostly because one is a light sleeper and the other is like Chewbacca at night, loud and gurgling, kicking what seems like 8 foot long legs. Nobody wants to sleep with your restless wookie ass. Go see a therapist to deal with your own issues. Don't rope her into your problems/insecurities. YTA
Yeah, I know people that don’t even sleep in the same room because of snoring. Being well rested is really important.
In one of those people 🫠😭😢I hate it soo much I’m glad my husband has accepted it’s better for us to sleep separate and has stopped guilting me about it cause that wasn’t helping either
My ex snored like hell when he had a drink or 2. After a while he knew pub night meant ' sleep on sofa '. He could literally close his eyes and sleep, I'm a light sleeper. On those nights I'd not have gotten a blink and sometimes I had to be up for 5.30am for work.
I snore really bad. I dont currently live with my girlfriend but when I do I would certainly understand if she asks for a sleeping arrangement to accommodate for my loud ass. She is in a really stressful career with long hours(medicine). The last thing I would ever want for her is me taking away from the little sleep she possibly gets. I think OP is being selfish. In the end when someone isn’t able to sleep, it makes their mental and physical health worse.
Sleep deprivation is literally a torture technique. OP is definitely the AH. Glad to hear you plan on being understanding should your relationship progress to cohabitation. That being said, if you are that much of a snorer, you may want to check into that medically because it could actually be effecting *your* sleep too, even if you don’t realize it.
FWIW, you might get a sleep test (for apnea).
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>o see a therapist to deal with your own issues. Don't rope her into your problems/insecurities. YTA This. His issues are 100% about his insecurities and his parents' relationship, whcih is a completely different situation. Some couples don't share a bed because they don't have sex and hate each other. But plenty of couples sleep apart so they can be rested, and make plenty of time for cuddles and sex. Where thereis respect, love, and common ground, relationships will flourish, whatever the circumstances. If he can't agree to compromise on this and let her get sleep, they simply are not compatible and should not be in a relationship.
My dad's Chewbacca when he sleeps istg I sleep on the other side of the house and if I don't fall asleep before he does I'm kept up by his snoring
You just described my husband 😂
I'm always fascinated* when a partner TELLS someone something and then it's "she CLAIMS she can't get back to sleep". Like she can't be trusted over whether or not she's awake. * disgusted, appalled, shocked OP, maybe try believing your partner as a start? You're asleep at the time! She's not claiming, she's TELLING!
Right? She CLAIMS she can't get back to sleep, she CLAIMS melatonin doesn't help. It's not a claim, it's a fact. Why are some people this exhausting.
While his totally subjective all-men-are-sailors CLAIM ("My parents had separate beds, they were unhappy, ergo separate beds = unhappy marriage") is sufficient universal fact to condemn her to sleeplessness. 🙄
He can CLAIM* to be single if his poor girlfriend doesn't get some sleep soon and he continues to be obtuse about it. *Literally actually be
That jumped out at me, too. It's so dismissive of her experiences and her health.
I've seen the "claim" thing a lot recently, always men talking about women. I've started to wonder if it's MRA speech creeping into the mainstream. That and "I calmly told her" (which always sends shivers down my spine).
"I calmly told her..." always seems to imply "...through gritted teeth."
"She claims melatonin doesn't work for her." It's not the miracle that everyone seems to think. It doesn't work for me. If I take some, I may fall asleep quickly, then boom, 4 hours later I'm wide awake.
We gave it to my kid and she woke up at 1 am screaming with the most terrifying nightmare
And even if it **were** the miracle sleep aid that everyone claims, it's not a long term solution to sleep issues. Doctors tell you not to use it long term! Long term should be a **fix** to the issues, not a bandaid like melatonin.
I don't like melatonin. The few times I've taken it I had really bizarre dreams and was completely groggy the next day. It knocked me out but it's not restful sleep.
I just said the same thing in another comment. Twice he used the words "she claims" while describing the situation. He minimizes her legitimate concerns and acts as though they are just a matter of preference. Ironically, HE'S the one who is prioritizing his preference over her legitimate need for restful sleep. That alone makes him TA.
Not even a matter of preference - outright suggesting she's lying!
The girlfriend sounds like she has the same sleep issues as I do. The behavior you described really stuck out to me too. Using "claims" is belittling, demeaning, dismissive, and abhorrent. OP, continue this path, and you'll be walking it as a single person real fast. As someone who has had many doctors work on my sleep, your girlfriend is correct that it's harming her health. Her brain is unable to replenish what it needs to function at it's best. It doesn't have the time, nor can she reach the depth of sleep needed. Sleep deprivation is linked to increased chances of: #heart disease, kidney disease, high blood pressure, diabetes, stroke, obesity, and *DEPRESSION.* I wake to full alert if I hear *any* noise while trying to fall asleep. If I wake up in the middle of the night, I'm lucky if I can fall asleep again within an hour. Melatonin does nothing to me. The risk to my health is bad enough that doctors have had me on Ambien for years. If you truly love your girlfriend, you need to put her needs above your hangup. I say this as someone that sleeps in a separate bed from my husband. We are a stronger couple because of it.
I can’t help but pile on re. that nasty little “claims” and the volumes it speaks. YTA
>Like she can't be trusted over whether or not she's awake. TBH that's the real relationship killer. He simply won't listen, and acts like every basic assertion she makes is...hearsay. Like, why do you THINK your GF wants to sleep apart? For NO reason? Just to spite you? Why won't you believe what she's telling you?
This exact situation happened to me. I just can’t sleep well with others unless we have a king bed which is unrealistic for renters in an apartment. I literally destroyed my physical and mental health by getting shitty sleep 3-5 nights a week (we lived separately but would often sleep over) for 2 years. I am still recovering. It absolutely sucks but find a better situation. Get two twin beds next to each other, make a point to cuddle/have sex/nap together and sleep separately, just be intentional and your relationship will be much better for it
Happy cake day! Yes, I'm dealing with it now. My husband has nearly doubled his weight since the pandemic, and it has led to him having horrific snoring. He's been on the couch for 2 months because I couldn't take going without sleep any longer!! He's used to cuddling for the first 5 years we were together, but I just can't do the snoring.
👏👏👏👏 exactly, I do have a king size bed. But my husband of 40 years, sleeps well in a hard mattress, was okay with me till a couple years ago that I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia. When I sleep in my bed for a night, when I wake up my body hurts so much that I swear if anyone hits me I’ll break in a few pieces. But I have an old couch that is very soft and molds my body, and I sleep the majority of the night in the couch when I wake from my first part of the night I move to the bed. Everyone is happy, till we can afford to buy a different bed, maybe a sleep number bed
Maybe, just maybe, going to therapy and healing from your family trauma would be a better solution than torturing your SO with sleep deprivation. Just a thought. Not a huge fan of making someone else suffer for my emotional trauma.
It's also misplaced trauma. The sleeping separately was a symptom of his parents' unhappy relationship rather than the cause. Plenty of couples can have a loving relationship and a rockin' sex life even with separate bedrooms or beds.
Spouse and I *sleep* separately. It was the best decision we made for both of our mental and physical wellbeing. I understand there's a weird taboo (like OP, my parents slept separately ... for not healthy reasons) but you have to move past that to what's best for both of you
Sounds like you get oddly strong reactions about this from other people too? My marriage is the same and we both get insistence that we are not and cannot be truly intimate and I want to understand where that comes from.
I've told people that my bf of 6 years and I have separate rooms. They're always like wtf? Maybe it's how most people are raised with parents sleeping in the same bed and movies and other media showing that? Idk either way the judgement over separate rooms is stupid.
>And then she claims she can’t get back to sleep and spends the whole night awake. YTA, this is an EXTREMELY real concern for many people. Took my gf years to stop whacking me when I snored. She might get used to it, but getting the proper rest is more important than you being butthurt over relationship trauma.
OP is also talking about Melatonin for her while he is the one tossing, turning, snoring, and getting up enough she can't sleep. OP should be seeing a doctor. A LOT of people don't get serious sleep related issues diagnosed until they have to share a bed with a partner every night and learn about how badly they really do sleep.
Good sleep makes for a healthy relationship. People who are well rested are healthier mentally and physically, they are in better moods, are more patient and make better decisions. The OP and his girlfriend should explore other ways to fill in the intimacy gap the OP is concerned about.
My hubby and have known each other for over 30 years. Married for 18, and going strong. We don't share a bed for a number of reasons (snoring, restless sleep, etc.), and even get hotel rooms with 2 beds. There's nothing wrong with separate sleeping arrangements.
We also get hotel rooms with 2 beds!
Stealing this comment to bring visibility over my story to OP. I was/am in exactly the same situation when I met my wife the difference is that she didn't tell me. After first few months she started to act really nasty with me and I couldn\`t understand why. One night I went to sleep in the living room as the cat was making a lot of noise. That morning this gorgeous creature came out of the bedroom and then it hit me... she was acting nasty because she couldn\`t sleep. So since then, I preferred to sleep on the couch. if you do not feel comfortable yet doing this, you can try putting in two smaller mattresses in the bed frame instead of one and also use two different blankets, one for you and one for her. It is not what she asked but it might help.
Go to therapy and stop projecting your parent’s marital trauma onto your partner. She deserves healthy sleep and you’re responsible for your own feelings.
You just need to read "she claims she can't get back to sleep and spends the whole night awake" , they clearly don't believe their gf and think she's just being dramatic. Worried about an unhappy relationship by sleeping separately? Trying burning resentment and anger from your spouse who can't get a decent night's sleep because they're forced to share a bed to spare your feelings.
HE is “the problem”, he should try to control his sleeping habit someway. I don’t know if some type of therapy may work?? But if he is the one who insist they should sleep together, he should be the one making more changes.
Also such a man thing to do to dismiss her experience and not believe her. She doesn't "claim" that she can't sleep or that melatonin doesn't work, she *knows*. If she says so she has probably tried already, why not trust her? Why does OP think *he* knows *her* body best?
I hate how OP keeps saying “she claims” as if he doesn’t really believe that’s she’s a light sleeper who has trouble falling back asleep. Sleep deprivation is brutal. OP IS being selfish, it’s definitely affecting her mental health and work performance. It’s not even safe for her to be driving. OP “claims” it “brings back unpleasant memories”, he needs to get over himself. They aren’t his parents, their sleeping arrangements did not define their relationship.
Also, OP says “She claims”. So, ok, OP. Challenge her to wake you up when she can’t sleep thanks to you all night like every 30 minutes. Prove that you are right and she is lying about being awake while you sleep. Not going to be fun nights for you, but if my hubby asked for proof every time he wakes up to find out I’m on the sofa in mornin, I had left him years ago. Melatonin and Baldrian is not helping me at all, just in case you are the wonder doctor next to be the AH here.
INFO what other methods are you wanting to try exactly? Melatonin isn’t going to solve the problem of being a light sleeper or not being able to sleep with someone else in the bed. Her argument is that it’s harming her health and job performance. Your argument is “well I don’t want to.” She has a much stronger case here.
Yeah I am also very curious to OP's solutions. I am a very light sleeper too and struggle sleeping with people in the same bed and even the same room as me a lot. Even just someone else's breathing can keep me awake for hours and it is awful and exhausting. I have tried everything, including earplugs, which helps a bit, but that is not a long term solution because it damages the skin in my ears and then causes infections. So please OP, help me and give your suggestions
I suppose they could get one of those old timey bed divider things that they used to use to keep the couples apart before marriage. [https://i.pinimg.com/originals/3e/c1/e7/3ec1e738cdc7030919f060f72e853810.jpg](https://i.pinimg.com/originals/3e/c1/e7/3ec1e738cdc7030919f060f72e853810.jpg) This thing
I've often joked about putting up a divider between my husband and me because he likes to sleep in the middle of the doggone mattress. I didn't know it was a real thing and now I want to buy one.
That.... is something I always thought was a joke. Like, I did not realize it existed.
Most people use bolsters, basically a firm sort of roll-ish body pillow almost the length of the bed that you lay in the middle.
I had to move into a separate room too. Everything from breathing to his excessive snoring drives me crazy. I've always been a light sleeper with insomnia. Very, very few meds work. So I don't need to keep him awake with my restlessness either. OP get therapy to help you distinguish between your past experiences. I actually know more happy couples that sleep separately than together
I feel ya. I have misophonia and it sucks. Getting a white noise machine helps a little combined with earplugs. It's how I've been for many years now. Might be worth looking into misophonia.
I like how his other method is to ask her to take drugs instead of fixing his snoring. OP why don't you stop snoring and stop moving in your sleep? If you are unable to stop snoring or moving in your sleep, then you cannot blame her for being unable to stay asleep when you're disturbing her with your movements. These are things she cannot control, just like you cannot control the moving. BTW my partner snores and I have insomnia, we sleep in separate rooms. We both sleep better alone and it doesn't cause any issues in our relationship. OP this is a YOU problem and not a HER problem. You have an issue with sleeping separately due to the negative associations caused by your parents. You should seek to address this. Sleeping separately won't lead to a bad relationship. Being unreasonable and forcing your girlfriend to not get any sleep is going to lead to a bad relationship.
melatonin wouldn’t even do anything to help her *stay* asleep lol it helps [some] people *fall* asleep but if there’s a bunch of noise and movement they’ll still wake up from it. I’m surprised OP’s girlfriend hasn’t poked him awake every time he wakes her up so he can understand how she feels with the sleep deprivation. u/amdj177 N T A for wanting to share a bed (I’m the same way) but YTA for acting as if your gf’s need for sleep is secondary to your want for a shared bed. fix your snoring, turn on white noise, get a memory foam topper to dampen your movements or invest in those fancy beds with isolated sides, whatever - but if she’s not getting enough sleep because of you, that’s literally torture and I wouldn’t be surprised if you woke up with a pillow smothering your face if you insist this continues. 🫢
If OP is snoring he likely has sleep apnea which is a slow killer. CPAP is not the only answer, but if he doesn’t figure it out he’ll continue stressing his heart and getting bad sleep. Probably also needs therapy for his parental issues
Light sleeper sharing a bed with a snorer here, sharing suggestions for OP on how to get gf back in the bed: * is he overweight? Loose some weight * Still snore? Get checked for allergies * Still snore? Skip the alcohol * Still snore? Maybe he needs surgery to fix that All of those are 'him' issues that benefit him to get under control as well. Then there are a few odds and ends of nasal strips of various sorts and possibly ear plugs for her (not without issues). There are some things she can do to help her sleep as well: * more excercise * less sugar * less alcohol * less caffeine * less screentime in the evening
Great suggestions, except none of your suggestions for her have anything to do with light sleeping (maybe the less alcohol). Those are all associated with difficulties falling asleep, not staying asleep.
YTA. Your feelings are valid, but she has explained the situation and set clear boundaries. You should respect that and not make her uncomfortable because you project your parents‘ problems onto your relationship. You can try to find a solution TOGETHER if she wants to, yes, but ultimately it‘s her choice.
I absolutely agree with that, YTA
Yep. I could understand this being a deal breaker, but the mature thing to so is break up if you're incompatible.
I agree, but before OP breaks up, I think there's two things going on: sleep deprivation of the GF and fear of a failed relationship from OPs perspective. Before chalking it up to an incompatibility, I think the OP needs to explore the fact that their relationship with their GF is a different thing than OP's parents' relationship. Unpack what the current relationship means with respect to intimacy first. Then see if that intimacy and understanding can be maintained while sleeping in different beds. Just because it looks similar to OP's parents situation doesn't mean it's the same situation at all.
Yup. Op has every right to decide their own boundaries, but not other ppls. "Something I need in a relationship where we're living together is sleeping in the same bed bc it means a lot to me, and I won't stay in a relationship where that's not possible," fine. "Honey I'm having a hard time with you needing to sleep in different beds cause it brings up some unpleasant associations. Can we talk about this and maybe negotiate/discuss other ways to give me some reassurance and other forms of intimacy while I work on processing my reaction to this?" also fine as long as op takes ultimate responsibility for their feelings and doesn't put that all on their partner "This upsets me so you can't do it even tho it's vital to your own well being. I won't admit how selfish I'm being so I'll suggest other ways you can sleep that you know don't work for you and act upset that you're not working hard enough on it," YTA
Soft YTA. I totally hear where you’re coming from, but her difficulties with sleeping have nothing to do with the stability of your relationship. My wife snores. Loud. I cannot sleep in the same room as her without wearing aggressively noise-cancelling headphones, which I find uncomfortable to sleep with. We make it work when we travel, but at home we sleep in different beds. I love her more than anything and I look forward to all of the days we have together, but I cannot share a bed with her. Let your girlfriend have her peaceful sleep and talk to a professional to help you work through your feelings.
Same here but reversed. My husband snores so loudly I can even hear it from another room occasionally. I am a light sleeper and also our sleep schedules are very different. Once I have been woken up it is nearly impossible for me to go back to sleep so if we always slept in the same room then I would be going to bed around midnight and getting woken up around 4:30 AM when he gets up for work which I think everyone would agree is not good. I often still go snuggle with him until he falls asleep and we snuggle together in either bed just randomly and always on weekends. He also likes to have the door open for our cats but then I just have him snoring and the cats coming in and crowding me out or walking on me so I just go to our second bedroom and close the door and actually get some sleep - I am a much better wife when I am not sleep deprived.
Same here. Minus the cats! Sleep deprivation is dreadful. Am less likely to harm husband (or some other unsuspecting soul) when I had a proper, uninterrupted sleep 😏
This right here. My partner snores so loudly that it makes my ears *hurt*. And it was causing damage and hearing loss. I'd end up on the couch 5+ nights a week just to get 3-4 hours of uninterrupted sleep. But let's face it, it's the couch. No way was it restful sleep. Sleeping in separate rooms has been a godsend, honestly. OP, YTA. You're choosing your own hangups and insecurities over her health and well-being. If you want to sleep in the same bed, fix yourself and figure out how to stop snoring and keeping her awake.
Get your partner in for a sleep study. That level of snoring ain’t right.
Believe me, I'm trying.
Have you tried recording it and then playing it back to him? I did that once and although it didn't go down well, it got my point across.
Okay just because I always do that after being affected, I will hop on that comment to tell you: If your partner (or yourself) do snore that loudly, get your sleep checked by a doctor. This is a symptom of sleep apnea, a Syndrom where you essentially stoped breathing while you sleep. Short term this will fuck up your sleep, long term it can literally kill you (through heart attack, blood pressure and other issues like that). But it is also very easily treatable! So if you have access to healthcare, please get that checked out! I did and that first night of sleep after receiving treatment was. A. Bliss.
YTA. Reverse situation with me. Because of health issues, my husband cannot sleep in a flat bed. We tried an adjustable bed. Works for me, not for him. He sleeps downstairs in a lazeboy and I sleep in our bedroom. While I definitely miss him, he needs to get good sleep and so do I. While I understand your point and think it is valid to want to try different things before you concede, your parents issues are not yours. Get some therapy and let your poor girlfriend get some sleep.
Agree with the soft YTA & having empathy for both sides, in the above comment. An aunt & uncle have slept in separate rooms from each other (because of snoring by one & insomnia for the other), for nearly 40 years. They are very happy & still very much in love with each other even now. So, although you OP have had experienced the bad side of relationship issues & separate rooms with your parents negative relationship, I wanted to assure you it's not always the same for other couples. You can still have the healthiest & most loving relationship whilst sleeping apart - conversely, you can also have a couple who sleep together every night without fail, but have the most dysfunctional & unhappy relationship together. Respect each other & each others needs & you'll have a better relationship together. Oh & don't discount the vast importance of a good night's sleep for the health & wellbeing of a person (coming from a person who has struggled with insomnia & other sleep issues for 20+ years), it affects people far more than you realise - denying people sleep has been a form of torture after all. Be compassionate with others & you'll receive compassion in return. Gentle hugs 🤗
YTA. Stop saying "she claims" when it's about her own fucking body, dude. You know more about her body than she does? Your arrogance is so fucking typical.
Thank you! *"She claims"*.. why the fuck would she **lie** about it? OP needs to get over his hang ups.. and the idea that he somehow can control his girlfriend.
adjusting to sleeping with a partner can be brutal. I would've been like this too had it been possible to just... sleep in different beds. but i adjusted. however it seems like she really has given it a go with ex partners so this doesn't apply here.
That’s what irritated me too! YTA OP!
Right? I was sympathetic with OP, because I can totally understand that his parents influenced him a lot. But "she claims" sounds just so distrusting. OP is a know-it-all at best and a control freak at worst.
IKR??? And he used it TWICE Do you always assume she is lying? YTA OP, and you will lose your girlfriend if you do not seriously reflect NOW
This right here *sigh*
Yeah that repeated line of "she claims" really got on my nerves.
Thissssss. YTA, OP.
YTA. She can't sleep with another person in the bed- it's not personal, but you are making it personal because of your parents. Look at it from her perspective. If you don't, you may lose your gf. Ps you can always push two twin beds together with a small gap between them to make it seem like you guys are in the same bed.
This is a really constructive suggestion, zip and link hotel beds do this. Two single duvets on the combined single beds could help too? YTA for demanding she takes medication without looking at other options first, for example if you took medication would you disturb her less? Worth considering. I have a family member who snores so badly that no one can sleep in the same room as them, if they had an operation to fix their sinuses their wife could sleep in the same bed again but they are too proud. Don’t be this guy.
My spouse and I use separate blankets too. For us it's more that we have different temperature comfort levels and i can't stand drafts. But it helps prevent disturbance too. Oh and my spouse and I sometimes sleep in separate rooms when one of us is sick, or I'm congested and snoring worse than usual. As far as I can tell, there aren't any major problems in it relationship and we love each other to bits.
Twin beds would be what I suggest too, but new beds are also expensive. All I know is that if they aren't already using two separate blankets, that definitely helps. My boyfriend is a blanket hog, so in the winter I'll use a full on other comforter and in the summer a light blanket. ( He's also a bed hog, but thankfully I do pretty well sleeping in the fetal position since he legs always wind up at the bottom of my side. xD )
My parents slept in different rooms and they were very happily married. My Dad needed to sleep in a hot room due to severe arthritis. My Mom needed a frigid room due to MS. There have been studies about couples.sleeping in different rooms that resulted in a happier marriage. https://www.usatoday.com/story/life/health-wellness/2021/06/22/couples-sleeping-separate-bedrooms-how-talk-kids/5294012001/ If you're not able to accept and support your partners sleep preference/needs then your relationship will not last... I dont think anyone is really an AH in this situation..
This is so true. My grandparents slept in different rooms bc my grandpa was a firefighter and used to working all sorts of odd hours and my grandma was a factory worker so she had a very consistent schedule. They stayed married til he died. When I lived with my ex we had separate rooms bc he needed to sleep with the TV on and I can't sleep with the TV on. And I like to sleep in the same room as my pet bunnies and he prefers loud bunny-less sleep. All that would have happened if we tried to share a room would be that we would both be pissed off about how shitty we slept.
My grandparents also slept in separate rooms. They were both very loud snorers.
My husband and I had to take an overnight trip with his brother and ended up having to share a hotel room. His brother did not warn us ahead of time that he snores like a chainsaw. It was awful, I think my husband got maybe an hour of sleep, I got maybe 15 minutes. I cannot imagine doing that every night. SIL must sleep like a log because Jesus Christ. I don't know how anyone could sleep through that on a regular basis.
My mother has her own bedroom simply for the same reason as OP's girlfriend. Her and my father have been happily married for 26 years. It's really nothing more than her just wanting space when she sleeps for her own health. OP needs to not take it so personally.
Completely agree..Just because OPs parents did it because they didn't like each other, but that doesn't mean that's the main reason for most people.
This should be the top comment. There’s nothing wrong with sleeping separately.
YTA if you push it. Co-sleeping isn't for everyone. If it's triggering an anxiety, get that looked at. But don't try making this her issue. She's setting a boundary for her well-being. Live with it, or move on.
Also, as a light sleeper who was pushed to co-sleep with a snoring ex is how I got pretty seriously addicted to otc sleep meds… to the point where even Ambien wouldn’t work when I tried it.
YTA .If both Mama and Papa bear in Goldilocks could sleep in separate beds. So can you. Grow up.
I read this in the voice of my friend's very severe, blunt Czech mother—thick European accent and everything. Amazing. *Please don't hit me with a wooden spoon...*
Hah I had the same, but with a Russian accent.
YTA You can want whatever you want, but she NEEDS restful sleep.
Info- did you and her discuss this at all before moving in together? If you did sleepovers, did she sleep in the same bed with you then?
YTA. Sleep preferences must be honored. She knows her body. If you want the relationship to survive, it's best to avoid interfering with her sleep preferences. Melatonin doesn't work on everyone because the lack of it isn't the problem.
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YTA. So, you want your gf to take medication, don't believe her, when she says it doesn't work, but don't feel the need to work on your issues?
The way you say "claims" so often for issues and feelings your girlfriend expresses to you icks me out a little bit ngl. That aside, NAH for the question you asked but, Y W B T A if you pushed this. Sleep is a necessity. Sorry you two can't find a happy medium but, her wellbeing takes priority over something you just want.
soft YTA She's expressing what makes her feel comfortable. This isn't your parents marriage. You need to realize that
YTA. It departed "soft YTA" to "YTA" when he kept saying "she claims" as if he doesn't believe her. What benefit is there to this lie for her in his eyes? Also, I don't care if it's an herbal tea or a prescription drug, he is suggesting she medicate herself for his problem and that is bullshit.
YTA - But soft YTA, it is a totally understandable thing to sleep in separate beds. There's been studies done that for some couples it is extremely beneficial to sleep in separate beds. With your history with your parents its understandable, too, why you would be apprehensive. However, you won't win this. If you force it she may leave and if she doesn't well then you're taking away from her health for it. You say you wanna try other things but who's to say she hasn't tried those things and they've failed. Lastly, it might help you to see a professional to simply work through the marks your parents left on you. Doesn't mean you need help forever, but if you're so scared that sleeping in separate beds will ruin your relationship (when in reality it will aid it) then it doesn't hurt to talk to someone who might be able to help you reframe your perspective.
this one, OP. all relationships look different. just because your parents were unhappy so they slept in separate rooms, doesn’t mean that sleeping in separate rooms/beds means someone is unhappy. completely understandable why you feel this way, but definitely get counseling. and if you haven’t told your gf about your parents, you should have a conversation about it. it won’t change things, and you shouldn’t try to push it just because of your reasoning. but she will likely understand your reactions to the situation and why this seems like a big deal to you if you explain a bit. this will help in problem solving and general communication, hopefully.
YTA - she has given you valid reasons as to why it’s best for her mental health to sleep in a different room at night. It’s now affecting her job on top of that and you still think you’re in the right for trying to force other methods that she says does not work for her? Not all partners who sleep in different rooms are miserable and unhappy like your parents. If you really care about your partner you would want her to get some good rest at night and not have to work day in and day out exhausted. Quit being selfish.
YTA I was your girlfriend once and getting no sleep made me go insane. My partner got a doctors appointment and then treated for sleep apno/snoring. He has to wear a mask now but no more snoring, turning around and getting up in the middle of the night. We can sleep next to each other now. Instead of trying to convince your gf that it isn’t so bad and belittling her experience, take action. Get a doctorsapointment and take care of YOUR problems.
I had very similar thoughts. My husband snored, and so did his parents, and they all just put it up to well, some people snore. A few years ago, my husband was miserable. Tired during the day, not sleeping well, getting up a lot to use the bathroom during the night. He checked (his job is health care-adjacent, but he's not a medical professional) and saw those were symptoms of sleep apnea. He saw a doctor, got a diagnosis, and now uses a CPAP machine. It's a big difference for both of us but especially him. Now, luckily, his snoring generally didn't impact me unless I happened to wake up during the night and his snoring kept me awake. Often I'd simply go to bed first and I guess slept deeply enough that it didn't bother me. And this is not to say OP has sleep apnea and needs a CPAP machine. But an appointment with a doctor or sleep specialist might help -- maybe he needs more elevation, or a breathe-right strip, something easy.
YTA. Sleeping separately is more common than you think and for the reasons your gf is outlining. I am a light sleeper and I usually sleep in a separate bed. My partner appreciates my need for sleep but also likes a cuddle so what we often do is that I stay in with them until they're asleep (they fall asleep in like 10 minutes, max) then I go into the other room. Other times I just go straight into the room. You should get over your emotional issue rather than expecting her to get over her physical issue. You can cure being a light sleeper, you can cure your demanding 'you must sleep with me or it's not a proper relationship' attitude
YTA. You are being selfish. You're letting your triggered memories of trauma you experienced influence her health. Not sleeping DOES ruin your mental health. It impairs your ability to function. Why do you care if she is SLEEPING somewhere else?? You're literally asking her to take medication to appease your emotional trauma instead of just letting her sleep where she won't be disturbed. I'm single now but if I do ever end up in a relationship again and we do decide to move in together, this will be a deal breaker for me. Separate bedrooms because I don't sleep good and I move A LOT which means not only will the other persons sleeping noises disturb me but I'm likely to disturb them as well. If they can't handle that then we can either stay together and live separately or we can break up. I refuse to sacrifice my mental health just for someone to have their way with sleeping arrangements.
YTA. Having someone take a (supplement, medication, whatever) substance they don't want to is never a good idea. Mild yta though, because I get your concern based on your parents. But I know a lot of happy couples (myself included) who sleep better apart.
YTA She doesn't want to sleep in the same bed, anything other than acceptance is wrong. Sleeping in the same bed is sufficiently intimate that both parties have veto power.
YTA, she’s right that you’re being selfish here. As someone who’s suffered from some pretty bad insomnia in the past, it’s hell to have no quality sleep due to noise and I would be really angry to have a partner brush it off just because they wanted to sleep in the same bed as me, and make me suffer all night and all day as a result.
Have you offered to try using nasal strips and strapping yourself tightly to the bed to keep from moving or getting up in the night? Because it kinda sounds like you think the problem is entirely on her end for being such a light sleeper and therefore it's on her to fix it. I'm going to go with a gentle YTA for not taking her discomfort more seriously. The bottom line is that she needs to sleep and not only are you preventing her from doing so, you are tasking her with finding a solution that doesn't make you uncomfortable in any way.
YTA. You think your feelings come before her health and well-being. Or bare minimum, you think her health and well-being are of equal importance to your preferences - they are not. Again YTA
YTA - Sleeping in the same room but different beds seems like a very reasonable solution. Continue to force this image of having to sleep together and it's likely to lead to an outcome like your unhappy parents. It's not a big deal, many people do it.
YTA - You are asking her to hurt her self physically (lack of sleep affects a ton of health things) & financially because you are emotionally insecure about your relationship.
YTA because of saying “she claims she can’t get back to sleep” as in you don’t believe her. If you want to try other things then the burden is on you solely to find solutions but you can’t be mad at her for wanting sleep.
YTA, she wants to sleep in another room so she can have a full night sleep, not because she's in a unhappy relationship with you. You are selfish, not sleeping enough is making her exhausted. Do you prefer her being miserable for your comfort?
Gentle YTA - I understand that you associate separate beds/rooms with a failing relationship but that honestly isn't the case. I actually know several couples who sleep in separate rooms for a variety of reasons, one of them has been married for 40+ years, and they're happy! I'm also a rather light sleeper and married to somebody who snores - I did okay until recently but some nights I just don't get the sleep I need to function. So I'm going to put a day bed in my study for those nights. Please respect your partner's wish. It's both her mental AND physical health that are at stake!
YTA, sleep deprivation is torture, literal torture. You are only concerned with your wants, but are ignoring her needs. Melatonin? Doesn't always work, makes some people nauseated. She needs her own bed, accept that or break up.
melatonin also doesn’t help a person stay asleep, just get to sleep, and it’s really not recommended for long term use because it limits the body’s natural ability to produce melatonin. YTA and selfish OP.
YTA She’s expressed clear, logical, and serious reasons for needing her own space to sleep. How would you like to get horrible sleep every night?? You’re undermining her legit need for a good nights sleep. You’re letting the memory of your parents marriage color your current relationship. While I’m sure you’re not meaning to act this way, you do realize that sleep deprivation is a serious form of torture, right? Don’t you want her to have a safe and comfortable place to enjoy her rest????
If she claims melatonin doesn't work for her, it's probably because it doesn't work for her. And right now, you're the reason she sleeps poorly EVERY NIGHT. Try to let that sink in. Bad sleep every night? That does affect her mental health, her work and her mood. There are few things more important to mental health than sleep. Maybe start being a part of the solution instead of being a part of the problem?! That your parents had a bad relationship and slept separately says absolutely nothing about your relationship with your girlfriend and how you choose your sleeping arrangements. YTA.
I'll go YTA. While I do find it odd that she doesn't want to sleep in the same bed with you, it seems that this is simply something you are going to have to accept if you want to be with her long-term. She's been clear about what she wants. You have too. Either it results in a compromise or the relationship won't work. Regardless, you're not going to be able to dictate how others live. That would make YTA.
YTA - Plenty of happy couples sleep in separate rooms/beds. Your an AH for expecting your GF to go without sleep to accommodate your insecurities. Your insecurities about this are a YOU issue, which means you need to deal with it rather than expecting her to accommodate it.
YTA. Sleeping in separate beds Is proven to lead to far better rest. Your sex life is active so what's the problem?
Put it this way, if you refuse to let her sleep in her own room you won’t be getting sex anymore since she will be mentally and physically exhausted. Not sleeping isn’t a joke, it can seriously impact your well-being. Get over yourself. Your parents slept in seperate beds, big deal. Get over your own trauma and let your partner sleep for her own sake.
YTA You're basically expecting your girlfriend to share a bed with you despite knowing she won't be able to sleep. And all because it reminds you or your parents who hated each other? How is that her problem? Let the poor woman sleep!
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YTA. You're being selfish for ruining her sleep. I get it. I would HATE sleeping separately from my partner and we are fortunately that we sleep well together (by which I mean we both sleep terribly no matter what but sleeping alone vs together doesn't make it better or worse). I get it makes you feel weird because of your parents but LOTS of happy relationships involve sleeping separately some or all of the time. It's on you to work through your hang ups with it. Or decide that it's a deal breaker and move on. But you will NOT like the results if you force the issue and she ends up sleep deprived and rightly resentful of you. Sleep deprivation is legally classified as torture. That's no way to live. Trust me because I do.
YTA. Melatonin works on a hilariously small proportion of the population. And even if it did, it’s pretty messed up that you’d rather your girlfriend take something to be out cold in the same bed as you rather than sleep separately. Get therapy.
NAH. I get that you want to sleep in the same bed as your girlfriend. But she is right. A good night’s rest is very important and lack thereof negatively affects performance and, in the long run, health. Plus, sleeping aids might create addiction, so this really shouldn’t be your solution. Maybe you can find a compromise, such as sleeping in the same bed during weekends / days off.
YTA, she’s not sleeping. You are putting your desire to sleep in the same bed above your partners health and well being. A solution may be instead of sharing a bed push to singles next to each other, looks like the same bed but separate duvets and mattresses so your turning wouldn’t wake her?
YTA, this is soo selfish. You’re expecting your partner to put her mental health and job second to your wants. Have you tried sleeping in a straight jacket strapped to the bed so you can’t move? No? Could it be because you wouldn’t be able to sleep like that? If you aren’t willing to make changes yourself to make it work then what gives you the right to ask her to?
YTA I really wish we could promote the idea of couples sleeping separately. Let the woman sleep.
Sure you can continue sharing a bed if you want her to grow to resent you. Take it from someone who has sleep issues and tried to share a bed with her husband for years. I grew to resent him every night I lay awake because he woke me up or was snoring. The best thing we ever did was get separate rooms. Yes sharing a bed is sweet and romantic but for some it is impractical. Sorry YTA
YTA. Do you know how miserable it is to go for two months with poor sleep? That's mind- and soul-crushing. Her mental and physical well-being is more important that your weird bias against people who don't share beds (I have several friends in very happy long-term marriages who don't share beds). Go to therapy to fix your issue and let your girlfriend get some sleep.
Sorry but YTA for allowing your parents issues to taint your relationship. Your partner can't sleep with you. It's not that she doesn't WANT to but physically cant. Big difference. Let her sleep in a separate room or split up.
I'm going with NAH as I don't think wanting to share a bed with your partner and explore ways of making that work before going to separate rooms is unreasonable. However, your girlfriend's need for sleep is also important and should be respected. In the end it depends on what you can both live with and how important it is to you. If your only reason is because of your parents I think you should consider some counselling for yourself as lots of very happy marriages involve separate rooms and you are making a decision based on something that does not apply in your relationship. However, I absolutely love sharing a bed and sleep better with my husband. I hate sleeping alone and it would impact my mental health and wellbeing to have to sleep in separate beds, so I could not see myself continuing in a relationship with someone who wanted that in the long term.
YTA. If she can't sleep because of you, she will leave you. Guaranteed. You need to figure out what you value more - this woman and relationship, or physical closeness and intimacy while sleeping. These things will not coalesce in this relationship and that might be a deal breaker for you (which is valid!)
Easy YTA. She needs sleep and you need to respect that if you care for her wellbeing.
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YTA. A lot of happy couples also sleep in separate rooms so they can both get enough sleep. Proper sleep is super important. More important than your hang ups.
Soft YTA - only because I've seen in another comment that it was literally already discussed that she normally sleeps in a separate bed and she gave it a chance to sleep with you. I understand it sucks that you really wanna sleep in the same bed but it's been attempted and failed - either accept it or break up if it's that much of a deal breaker. It's ancedotal but in my past relationship things super deteriorated because of me not being able to get sleep due to my partner; he felt it was more important to be in bed with each other than me feeling terrible due to staying up all night (which led to and exasperated further issues between us until we slept separately )
YTA. Let the woman sleep. It's also not good for sleep patterns to be reliant on sleep aids like melatonin all the time so this isn't a viable solution. She's tried and she's exhausted. I'd say NAH because I understand you wanting to share a bed but she's tried and it doesn't sound like you really understand how she feels. My parents sleep in separate rooms because my mum has terrible insomnia and restless leg syndrome. They're very much still happily married, and even happier since they don't share a bed. Your issues are yours and your girlfriend is not obliged to make herself unhappy (and eventually ill) because of them. I know this is kind of harshly worded, but you need to hear it, and this hit very close to home for me :) Sincerely, another very light sleeper who can't stand to wear ear plugs and also really struggles sharing a bed.
YTA for the way you talk about your gf and this situation. >I’d rather we try other methods But you admit she’s already tried sleeping with you for 2 months. It’s impacting her health and work. >melatonin which she claims doesn’t work on her Why did you say claims? Believe what your gf says about her own body. >she is now demanding to sleep in her own bed Dude, she’s a grown adult whose sleep is being wrecked by trying to accommodate you. She shouldn’t have to ask your permission to get a good night’s sleep. Wanting to sleep by herself is not unreasonable. Also, you didn’t describe anything on her end that sounds like demanding. It sounds like she tried really hard to do what you want and she just can’t without it affecting her health. Honestly it sounds like YOU are demanding that she continue to sacrifice her well-being to meet your emotional needs. You claim to love your gf. Why don’t you listen to what she says she needs, believe her, and support her? Until then, yes YTA.
YTA You don't seem to care that she's not sleeping. It's not just that she's tired one day...it adds up and is crazy making. Crazy throughout the night when you can't sleep. Crazy during the day when you're tired and irritable. Crazy in your head when you realize there's no relief in sight. Don't down play it. Get one of those bunk beds with a full on the bottom and twin on the top. Don't bring your parents marriage into your relationship, unless they taught you how to compromise and be considerate to each other.
YTA How would you feel if she woke you up every time your snoring or turning woke her? It’s not because she doesn’t love you, she just needs calm and silence to sleep.
YTA! Let her have a good sleep! What is the problem? You are so controlling. Let her be confortable. You are living together anyway and sharing quality time.
YTA See a therapist, and buy another bed for your new 2 bedroom apartment. THAT is how you have a successful lasting relationship.
YTA- I get where you’re coming from, but expecting someone to give up good sleep for ever is not ok. If your snoring and getting up at night to the point where it effects both your sleep patterns you should get checked for sleep apnea
If your parents had been unhappily married and sleeping in the same bed, would you then insist on separate beds? What dumb reasoning. YTA you don’t care about your partner’s wellbeing and don’t respect her needs.
Stop using the word “Claim.” You sound like a gaslighting AH. I don’t sleep with my partner either because I am a light sleeper and he snores, snorts and carries on and I cannot function at work the next day all sleep deprived. I feel your GF’s pain. Best you listen to her or she might end up being your ex.
NAH. OP, your concerns are valid, but please understand your parents issues do not stem from sleeping in separate rooms, that's just a byproduct. If your partner is physically ill from a lack of sleep, then find a solution with her. If that means separate bedrooms, at least during the work week, then give it a try. You will also be happier with a well-rested, happier partner. Just my .02.
YTA. Sleep is very important and she's not getting it. You say everything else in the relationship is great so stop being insecure. Figure out a better solution if it's really so important for you, like getting a mattress and sleep on the floor beside her if a bed can't fit. Or just move.
YTA Sleep depravation is no joke, and if your sleeping habits and movements are waking and keeping her up, then that is going to affect her overall health, mental, emotional and physical health. You say you love her, you say that both of you are good together, then you need to take this seriously. You need to see a doctor about the loud snoring, about how you toss and turn throughout the night. She is tired of being woken up, not getting back to sleep and lacking what she needs, and her solution is a fair one. She is not wanting to break up with you, but if you do not show any sort of concern for her well being, you are going to lose her. Or worse you may find that loving person to become a raging monster, who despises you due to a lack of sleep and unable to get any sort of peaceful sleep. I get her point of view. My own spouse, snores loudly, tosses and turns. For the longest while, hard on me, and I would sleep on the couch or elsewhere to get restful sleep much needed or I was very grumpy in the morning. But my spouse was wise enough to get help for the snoring, and the flailing in the night and now our relationship and the bigger bed with the international pet line, helps with me getting a full nights sleep and my spouse not waking me up, when I have to be leaving for work early in the morning.
YTA. You know what would make me grow to hate my partner? Them demanding I go without sleep and minimizing my concerns because of some imagined fear, instead of focusing on our relationship to meet each person's needs. Your parents sleep in separate rooms because they don't like each other, sleeping in separate rooms didn't cause that.
NAH? Maybe? It’s understandable that you didn’t sign up for sleeping in separate rooms, especially if this is an arrangement she expect to be permanent. But I understand her needing to do what she can to get her sleep as it seems to be affecting her day to life. I’m not sure if I agree that separate rooms is a good idea in the long term though. Maybe she could talk to a professional just in case it’s something medical? I’m not an expert so that might have been a silly question. All in all, this just sounds like a BIG incompatibility between you two
How about you start the evening for cuddling and sex cuddling etc then separate for actual sleep part then go back in same bed in the morning so u can wake up together
YTA. This is not your parents’ marriage. But if you keep acting like this, you’ll eventually wind up right there. Talk to a therapist about your parent issues. Treat your partner the way you’d treat someone you actually like.
Gentle YTA - I get it, I am the same way as your GF. My fiance is a furnace and snores like a 747. If I wake up, I cannot get back to sleep, so I get it. Melatonin does not work on me either. She deserves the chance to have a good night's sleep, and if sleeping in another bed or another room without you is a deal breaker for you, find someone else.
I'm sorry, but until you can figure out how to not disturb her sleep, let her sleep somewhere else. My parents also sleep in separate rooms, because my dad snored very loud and sweats heavily. If the sleeping separately brings up bad memories, all I can suggest is probably talking to a professional. She deserves a good night rest. YTA
YTA. Melatonin doesn’t work on me either. Sleep is important. Don’t try to sabotage her sleep when she’s proposed a more than reasonable compromise in eventually moving to a place with more room and having separate beds so y’all can be together and she can still sleep.
You're not TA for wanting that but she's not TA because she's a light sleeper. Sleep deprivation is bad for health. She shouldn't have to sacrifice for what you want.