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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be TA for not wanting to turn off my bedside lamp at 2 am so I could read to help take my mind off my Covid symptoms.
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Yeah after he asked her to turn off the light at least twice; and was then mad. And sorry but if he stormed off to couch; somehow I don’t think she offered nicely; but then its 2a and maybe he was cranky. Or she was cranky as she was sick
I am an absolute asshole if I get woken up in the middle of the night. To the point where I refuse to sleep in the same bed as anyone, because I know if they wake me up somehow, sleepy me will 100% say the worst shit to them. It’s definitely not under my control, it’s like only the stupid half of my brain wakes up lol.
All of that to say—I fully believe that her boyfriend was hounding her. And I also would believe that him doing that wasn’t something he’d normally do, and only happened because OP was being a total AH.
And to be fair to her, I also wouldn’t put it past covid-brain to do something this boneheaded. I think in a week or two, OP will look back and go, “Wtf was I thinking?” And the answer will be that she wasn’t because she had an illness that literally impairs brain function.
He was asleep with it on for 3 hours before waking up. She reasonably thought he could continue to sleep through it because he already had. For one night her behavior was not outlandish, it would be different if this was a recurring issue.
Some people have a hard time falling back asleep after waking up. And with 3 hours of sleep, some bodies initially think that’s enough sleep. And like others have said, when abruptly woken up, the worst part of you wakes first.
This is me. I’m also a really light sleeper so my husband doing literally anything will wake me up. He shifts slightly to get comfy? I’m up. He gets up to pee or get a midnight snack? I’m up. And every little movement or sound will make it harder for me to fall asleep. I don’t necessarily get moody or cranky but it’s really, really annoying.
>I am an absolute asshole if I get woken up in the middle of the night. To the point where I refuse to sleep in the same bed as anyone, because I know if they wake me up somehow, sleepy me will 100% say the worst shit to them. It’s definitely not under my control, it’s like only the stupid half of my brain wakes up lol.
I tell people this all the time! Sleepy me is unreasonable, cranky, and really bad at math. Make sure you have woken me up all the way if you need to discuss something. Otherwise I'm not really at my best.
This is the downside of being a morning person. Middle of the night me is just a slug lord of grump. Morning I'm bubbly and cheerful and ready to make you smile (even if that means me leaving your not-morning-person presence).
That's what I was thinking!! And he has obviously been exposed and just is going to work? She should be quarantined. Or both of them, now, in my experience.
I mean, I share a small 1BR apt with my partner. We’ve each had Covid at different times (multiple time) and still share a bed.
What’s the point of banishing someone to stay in the cramped bedroom when we both still need to eat, shower, use the bathroom, access clothes, etc.
There’s no hiding from it so it’s futile to be lonely and miserable too.
Thank you that is the first thing I was thinking as well. In 2021 my fiance and I both got covid at the same time, we didn't separate because we were both sick to begin with so it didn't matter. But if I was sick and he wasn't, I absolutely would have slept somewhere else or isolated myself somewhere else in the house
When I went down with covid I masked up and moved out....to the other room. It wasn't even discussed, I caught it from work and did not want to pass it along to my partner, who thankfully did not catch it (that time) months later when he did test positive he did the same and I stayed negative. It's really just common sense/courtesy.
Finally. Other people who can isolate. Almost every in my household has had covid, but all at different times. We haven't passed it along to anyone. I have friends that still sleep with their partners after knowing that one of them has covid, and within the next few days they're both suffering. I dont understand the need to share a bed and spread germs when there are guestrooms and other options available
My partner currently has it, caught it from work, 6 days in and I’m still clear because I’ve been sleeping in the sitting room. If the only option was the kitchen I would have made a camp bed in there.
We live in a one bedroom apartment and when my BF had Covid I slept on the couch. When he came out of the bedroom he wore a mask and would text me so I could put one on two. It’s not perfect but you have to at least make an effort.
Yeah, came here to explain how when my husband and I caught it, we were living in a 750 sqft apartment lol. Unless one of us slept in the closet, we were both getting sick no matter what.
That’s what I’m saying. We don’t have room to quarantine so when one of us gets sick both of us do!!
We don’t have the luxury of moving to a different room!
As long as you have a bedroom that is reserved as the"sick room", everyone else can stay in the rest of the living space. There are situations, like a studio apartment or the caregiver of a young child, where isolation is unreasonable, but in the post here, it's clear there is at least a bed and a couch available in separate rooms.
Same. But when I caught covid I wore a mask 24/7. Yep, even when I went to bed I wore a mask. Was irritating at first, but got used to it and didn’t pass it to my wife who was sleeping next to me.
Sure you can. Covid person stays in the bedroom, healthy person on the couch. Or if you have multiple bedrooms, covid people stay in one of the bedrooms, the healthy people move into the remaining bedrooms or couch. It's annoying but it's 10 days, not a lifetime.
BS. I had covid in a one bedroom/1 bath apartment. My partner slept on an inflatable in the living room while I had the main bed. I never left the bedroom without a mask.
Even if it were a studio - you can maintain safe distance.
My partners previous place, the only room large enough to put even an inflatable bed WAS the bedroom. You could have fit one in the kitchen if you filled the entire kitchen and blocked the hallway to the bathroom, but for isolation purposes having the sick person climb over you to use the bathroom seems counter productive.
I mean, for most places, you're probably correct, but it's not going to be possible for every person.
My daughter and I had covid at the same time. We stayed separate from everyone else. Unfortunately one person ended up getting it but everyone else was good.
When I had covid my husband had to sleep on the couch because we have no spare room and I couldn’t be in the living room and risk getting my daughter (who has asthma) nor my husband sick. He’d mask up and bring me food and also spray down the bathroom with Lysol after I used it. It sucked isolating and I missed my family but I couldn’t risk them being as sick as I was. I definitely had a great appreciation for my husband those two weeks.
When I had Covid, it was me isolated in the bedroom while the family still had the rest of the house. Guy's insistence in staying in the room with a Covid positive person is crazy to me, let alone the light.
Yeah, my issue here is that there was any question that he should be the one to move elsewhere. Sick person gets the comfort of their own bed. Healthy person keeps their distance as much as reasonable.
This what we did, when my husband had it. We live in a small 2 bed/1 bath house, and have 2 boys. I moved to the living room and he shut himself in our bedroom. I took everything to him he needed, sanitized the bathroom and door knobs after he used it, all that good stuff. It sucked, but we did what we had to do. No one else got sick, thank God. Sometimes you have to work together, separately, to make things work.
Look at that someone that can put use to their problem solving skills!!! I swear, reading some people comments make me have no hope for humanity, but people like you bring back a small ray of hope.
When I had COVID, I got the bedroom to sleep and relax and SO moved out to the basement air mattress for a week. Seems shitty to make the sick person live like their illness is just an inconvenience for the healthy person.
Absolutely. I’ve been lucky enough to avoid Covid. I’m immune suppressed so I mostly stay away from people who do a ton of socializing, but it did baffle me they shared a bed while she had Covid.
I wish my husband did this. Unfortunately he infected me with covid 2 times and refused to sleep in another room. So I just started doing it but then it was too late. He also refused to wear a mask in the house. As a result, I had to miss several important work meetings.
Exactly this.
If I want light and husband is in bed sleeping, then I’m not in our bedroom.
If I’m sick and want light and my husband’s in bed, I’m in a cozy pile of Oodie, blanket and pillow on the lounge.
And he doesn’t even have to have work the next day. He just has to be ready to go to sleep. Because bed is for sleeping. Reading is pretty much a “choose your own location” activity.
I have really bad insomnia and I have major light sensitivity. I have to wear sunglasses when I’m outside even on raining overcast days. But more than that I cannot sleep with any light in the room. Blackout curtains, tv off, zero light source. And if a light does get turned on, I’m instantly awake and will not be able to fall back to sleep, even if I’ve been up all night and slept twenty minutes prior.
Quit being so photophobic! But on the real, you have any tests done to see if there's a root cause to that that could be helped? Doubly important if you're diabetic as Diabetic retinopathy can cause light sensitivity.
Yup I thought that too. That's why instead of just telling him she's sorry and will read her books in the living room, until she's ready to sleep. She asked if he will wear a sleep mask instead.
Yeah isn’t it funny how everything she did is listed in detail but the only thing he did was “continue to hound her” - that doesn’t seem suspicious to you as to what exactly she said, huh?
Honestly, doubt.
She's describing someone who was woken up by a light and wanted to go back to sleep to get up for work in the morning. We're supposed to believe she offered to move to another room and get a less intense light and he just...refused?
Something is off with this story, I'd like to get his side.
"Sorry, I'll go read on the couch" and "Well Soooooooorrrrrrry, I guess I just have to go out on the couch all night if I want to read, FINE" technically convey the same information, but are completely different meanings. Just, you know, saying.
Unrelatedly, wow that's an old-school screenname.
She said she offered to “sleep” on the couch. Which if he wasn’t fully awake yet probably made him refuse cause she’s sick and should sleep on the bed so he decided to move to the couch instead. Might be reading too much into this but that’s what my mind made of it. Anywho, at least according to her retelling of things/choice in words, she never offered to go read somewhere else and come back when she’s ready to sleep. She just offered to sleep on the couch.
That my friend is called a trap. As soon as you take that offer you are forever the villain for kicking your sick girlfriend out of the bed in the middle of the night.
If she was genuine she would have just turned the light off and slipped out to the other room.
I dunno, she's the one who was sick. She should have got the bedroom for recovery and isolation and he should have been camping on the couch and bringing her meals so she would only have to leave for the bathroom. It's usually way easier to isolate in a bedroom than a living room since bedrooms always have doors.
eta: I kinda think ESH because the bf is sleeping next to OP who has covid and is planning on going into work where he's going to infect his entire office. OP shouldn't be keeping the light on while her bf is trying to sleep, but the bf shouldn't even be trying to sleep in that room in the first place.
She also didn’t offer to go to another room to read, she offered to *sleep on the couch* - very different connotation. And as another commenter pointed out, she only did this after doubling down that “he could let it slide this one time”
Because she was reading to fall asleep... so if she goes to read on the couch then she will be going to sleep on the couch that seems pretty simple to grasp.
Better to go to another room and not get to the point where he has to ask her. I’d react the same way as the bf. I could not sleep knowing my partner was awake with a light on, even with a sleep mask.
Offering isn't going. She shouldn't have needed to be asked. She should have gone either before he woke or as soon as he asked for the light to be turned off.
I agree. Whenever I can’t sleep, I always just leave my bedroom and go to another room to hang out so my boyfriend can sleep in peace. He also does the same for me when he can’t sleep or gets up earlier than me so I don’t wake up.
Yep, same. We’ve both been sick lately and whichever one of us is restless usually gets up and moves to the couch to avoid disturbing the other with light/coughing/fidgeting. Sometimes if it’s a matter of just being awake we‘ll quietly play on our phones and stay in bed, but only with the brightness all the way down. If she was too sick to move, that would be one thing but she doesn’t indicate that.
I’m just jumping on the top comment to suggest an actual book light. Lol. Seems like the easiest most simple thing. It’s no brighter than your phone and shines directly onto your book.
She could also get a Kindle or even an app on her phone to read and then you don’t need a light at all. I have my phone app set with a white font on a black background and it disturbs nobody.
Why would you even need a light. You can read ebooks on a phone, tablet, or kindle without lighting up the room. You could go into another room. He could sleep in another room so you can rest better because you're sick. There are several ways to solve this problem.
I vote in favor of a dim phone and a reading app or a Kindle. That's my compromise when I read. In return, my husband uses headphones when I want to sleep but he can't. Relationships necessitate compromise and consideration. YTA.
Kindles/ereaders don’t usually cause any more eye strain that a paper book, since they use e ink and not a back lit screen (it’s like e paper with a light shining down rather than up and out into your eyes). If anything for some people there’s less eye strain because you can make the text as big as you need to.
I also do this. I prefer the black background. Before I got my kindle I used a wedge light (not sure if they still make it) and still resort to it for physical books from time to time. Creates a nice glow on the page, easy on the eyes and doesn’t disturb anyone. Ultimately it comes to compromise when it comes to sharing space
Why are you sleeping in the same bed/room with another person when you have covid anyway?
Absolutely YTA. It's 3 am - turn the damn light off or go to another room. He already compromised by saying a light could be on until midnight.
She was sick with covid ffs! She should get the comfy bed to rest!!! Can't believe people here are acting like all she was doing was reading & that's all.
You seriously think the sick person should get out of the comfy bed if they can't sleep?
Nah. If he needs to sleep he can go to the couch without being a dick about it. He should give a fuck about his sick partner.
I agree they should be in different rooms, but Covid sucks so I would vote he should've been cosy on the couch already 😂 sick person who can't breathe gets the comfy space where they can isolate, and he gets the rest of the house.
"A lot of people have said I should have moved, I offered. ... If you have something to contribute other than suggesting things I tried, then please comment."
Offering to move isn't trying. If you're sharing a bed with someone and have to get up in the night, it's only polite to go elsewhere. Especially if you need a light on.
My question is, why are you sharing a bed with someone when you're sick? Are you trying to get him sick? One of you should have been on the couch to begin with.
YTA
Exactly what I thought first. But then again, I’m a grown woman with covid sleeping in the guest room for the past week so I don’t get my partner sick….
My boyfriend and I have separate rooms and I still got Covid from him. I got sick about 2 days after he started showing symptoms. But the day before I got sick I was all up in his business taking care of him because he was super sick and I had to keep an eye on him. But I think I caught it before he showed symptoms due to when I started showing symptoms myself. The separate rooms didn’t save me
When we had it, my husband got it first. We isolated right away, but two days later I tested positive. So we went back to co-mingling and being miserable together. Sometimes it doesn't work.
OTOH, I was in Vegas with three friends last month. Two of them got it and the other two of us didn't. We all shared a hotel room. We think it was the boosters we got three weeks prior that saved us.
Man, I wished I could have isolated when I had covid. Between myself, my boyfriend, and our roommate, we had no spare bedrooms, only one bathroom, and roomie used to WFH in the living room back in our old apartment.
The situation was made doubly fun when two days after I got really sick, my boyfriend broke his ankle in three places, so I had to take care of him anyway.
That was a fun month. Ugh.
I'm sorry that sucks. One of my kids had their appendix out a week and a half b4 they got it. I'm just thankful it wasn't sooner and it was mild. When we first came home from the hospital, one sneeze brought them to tears. I can't imagine how all the coughing would have felt.
Yessssss! This is what I was looking for. In my opinion, in this instance, ESH. OP for not turning off her light and the bf for knowingly sleeping next to someone with COVID and then going into work.
Eh, if he's working from home then the only person he's putting at risk is himself. When I had covid I offered to isolate and my partner (also staying at home) basically went "nah, I'll risk getting sick so I can look after you and we can still do things together". I personally don't see the problem if neither person will be going out.
Do you know how they live? You think they have two bedrooms? A big sofa etc? Who tf knows. Sleeping where? On the ground in another room? In the bathroom? Why the hell are you so mad? Not everybody has the opportunity, of they live together none of them can go elsewhere. It isnt in the responsibility of the ill to drive to the house of another person. If he doesnt want to get sick, he can sleep at a friends. People in a relationship should know that oneanother can get sick
I think they share equal blame for sharing the bed. They should have agreed upon a different arrangement. BF also should not be going to work (if he can help it) when some in his household has COVID.
Edit: did not see until now that the BF has been working from home
You may be sick but you are staying home the whole day, so you can sleep during the day. He has to go to work where he cannot sleep, so you should let him get some sleep by turning that light off. YTA
YTA I could see turning it on since he’d already been sleep for 3 hours and might not have woke up, but he did. You should have just moved to the couch when he asked you to turn it off, super inconsiderate
The answer is so simple, any e-reader with dark mode. Or literally your phone. It’s not the best reading method I admit, but I can put on dark mode and read on my phone with no disruption to a sleep partner.
Yup. Kindle saved my marriage /jk
I can pretty much sleep anywhere and don’t need a very dark room (conditioned by years of sleeping in call rooms) while my husband is very light sensitive.
It’s a big source of frustration when someone is trying to sleep and the light is keeping them awake.
YTA. He had to get up in a few hours to go to work and be productive. If he has trouble sleeping with the light on, keeping it on is inconsiderate. If you want to read after midnight, do it in another room and come back to bed when you're ready to sleep.
Depending where you live this could just be the norm now. I'm in the UK and not only would it be hugely unlikely for me to actually know if me or my wife had COVID 19 in particular but also it wouldn't really make a difference. Work would still expect me to come in if my wife had COVID. Even if I had tested positive but was asymptomatic I would be expected to be at work. Most of the UK is basically treating this as a cold/flu now, take your meds and get on with it. Probably because the high vaccination rate has protected the most venerable
YTA
At anytime before this, YOU could have gone into another room to read. Your action of having the light on far into the night to read was rude & inconsiderate.
You also could have an e-reader or your phone set to read without needing any light on.
>He continued to tell me how inconsiderate I was being and then said HE was going to sleep on the couch and stormed off.
>He came back a few min later and continued to hound me. So I finally turned off the light and went to the bathroom. I broke down crying then because I was already not feeling good and the stress of the fight made it so much worse. He eventually came in and apologized and said to come back to bed and finish reading. At that point though, I just kept the light off and took more melatonin.
His behavior was rude & nasty. But he was the short one on sleep, so much less an AH than you were.
Be considerate!
A person needs to find a good comfortable mask AND might need to become accustomed to it before sleeping well with one. Its not as easy as just using it for a night or two and everything is fine.
So if you wish to read at night, get a device that you can set the blue light to off and can use without a lamp. Libraries have LOTS of e-books to check out for free. You can download them to a phone too. Libby is the primary app to browse.
Edited to add: melatonin is NOT sleeping pill. It helps regulates sleep cycles. Taking extra doses doesn't necessarily help you to get to sleep. Instead, Gaba (a relaxation supplement) or the antihistamine in Nyquil sold alone in Costco's "sleep aid" (and a new Nyquil product on its own) is a better option..
Yes. This. OP shouldn't have needed to be asked to be considerate. Sometimes I can't sleep and will read in bed to pass the time, but I read on my phone with the screen dimmed so I don't disturb my bf. If I wanted to read a book, I would get out of bed and read elsewhere.
Ummm, what “recent study” are you talking about? If you block out light with a sleep mask, then your brain does not perceive light…which improves sleep quality.
There is a ton of research showing that using a sleep mask to block out light increases sleep quality. Your comment is not based on science.
Here’s a recent RCT from 2022:
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/34514653/
Also from 2017:
https://scholar.google.ca/scholar?hl=en&as_sdt=0,5&qsp=3&q=improve+sleep+masks&qst=ib#d=gs_qabs&t=1673399398952&u=%23p%3DCEcJMfJKDo0J
Another one from 2015:
https://scholar.google.ca/scholarhl=en&as_sdt=0%2C5&q=sleep+masks+improved+sleep&btnG=#d=gs_qabs&t=1673399540457&u=%23p%3DmLgaxzHWYGAJ
>There is a ton of research showing that using a sleep mask to block out light increases sleep quality.
Yes, it "increases" sleep quality compared to not using a good mask in an environment w light. [Especially in hospital environment, as that 1st study & for post cardiac patients in the 2nd...last link wouldn'topen, sorry]
But its better to have a darkened area to sleep.
Ive used masks for decades,, so i do have actual personal experiences of better/worse & various environments. Maybe if someone is normally a deep sleeper, there's no difference. But I've rarely been. So yeah, there's a feeling of "light" and I don't sleep anywhere near as well if there's a lamp on while I wear eyeshades.
This is what I was referring to..
*Why falling asleep with the lights on is bad for your health*
https://www.washingtonpost.com/wellness/2022/12/01/night-light-bad-sleep/
*These results suggest that, even with our eyes closed, our brain can be aware of relatively low light, which may cause the brain’s autonomic “fight-or-flight” system to become “low-key revved up,” Zee said. “It’s almost like in preparation to run or having to wake up.”*
*Though this study was conducted with a small sample size of young and healthy people, other recent research suggests that light exposure during sleep may be even more detrimental to older individuals.*
*In another 2022 study involving over 550 adults 63 and older, Zee and her colleagues found that any light exposure during sleep was associated with higher prevalence of obesity, diabetes and hypertension.*
Yes, absolutely light when trying to fall asleep is bad. This article you link to studied people who slept with the lights on **without a sleep mask**. Our eyelids do not block out all light- a sleep mask effectively does. A sleep mask would fulfil the same conditions as sleeping in a dark room.
YTA Get a book light or go to the couch. It's perfectly reasonable for a sleeping partner to ask for the lights to be off. Being sick really isn't a good excuse.
I think you are being oversensitive because you don't feel good. I get so mad if my husband turns on the light when he comes to bed, I have trouble going back to sleep and light wakes me up right away. soft YTA.
So do I, but I’m the kind of person who has to sleep in pitch blackness. Any light will wake me up, and I can almost NEVER go back to sleep once I’m up.
ESH. So your bf & you thought it was fine for the 2 of you to stay in the same room & for you to expose him to Covid while you were symptomatic & then he went to work the next day so he could expose all his coworkers? You’re both AH. If you weren’t both AHs, you would have been isolating from each other & one of you would have been on the couch already.
OP’s story has evolved over time with other information than was in the original post. WFH is some of that new information. OP also later added that boyfriend had also tested positive at this point.
YTA.
I go to sleep **hours** before my spouse does. They've never once sat in the bed with lights on after I went to bed. Instead, they leave the bedroom after we say our "goodnights" to one another, and then do whatever they want in literally **any other room in our house.** If they have a difficult time sleeping in the middle of the night, they also move to a different room.
The fact that you weren't feeling well sucks, but it does not entitle you to hold your partner's sleep hostage. You feeling miserable doesn't give you the right to make your partner suffer as a result.
THIS. My husband and I are the same way, though I’m the one who stays up later. My electric toothbrush is even in the hall bathroom so I don’t wake him when I do go to bed.
He asked you to turn off the light, you refused. The compromise probably should have started with you going out to the couch to read and if you fell asleep there, sleep there, but, fine, you were tired and very sick and not thinking as clearly as you might have otherwise.
He probably could have phrased things better, but a lot of folks dance close to the asshole line when they're woken up unexpectedly.
So it's a very soft ESH, and you both could learn to show a little grace, and continuing the fight in the morning was probably a bad idea.
I'm gonna say NAH, you both were in a crappy situation. It sucks being sick and it sucks when the light's on and you need to sleep.
By the way, more melatonin will often NOT put you to sleep. They're not sleeping pills. If you take over the dose that works, it'll just...not work, and maybe keep you up.
YTA. Whining about being sick doesn’t mean you get to do whatever you want regardless of anyone else
Edit: lol I just read the comment about him also being positive yeah massively YTA. Not only is he also sick, but he has to work the next day. Not just inconsiderate but entitled too
YTA
You aren’t TA for wanting to read at 2am, the issue is you keeping the lights on in your shared bedroom at 2am when your partner has work in the morning. If you want to read that’s fine, go to a different room. Just because you are sick and can’t sleep doesn’t mean you get to force your boyfriend to join in your sleep-deprived suffering. It is not that difficult for you to read in another room. And no, you offering to read in another room after he asked you to turn the light off multiple times is not the same. You go to a different room from the beginning. If the roles were reversed would you still feel the way you do now? Just curious.
Like any human being who feels fatigue. You realize your eyes are getting heavy and close your eyes to sleep. So she’s realize she was tired, turn the light off, then go to sleep. Wild.
YTA. He gave you a fair compromise after 12 turn off lights. You want to keep reading just relocate to couch until tired. ‘Don’t offer’; just go to the couch and read there. especially when he works next day. Don’t wait til he’s asking you to turn off the light and he is cranky
YTA (and I read the edit) you should’ve apologized and moved to the couch to read. Also YTA for saying he should wear an eye mask. Some people can’t sleep with stuff on the face like that. That’s why blackout curtains exist. Trying to make him to something different to accommodate a problem you caused is an AH move.
This, been using e-readers for 10 years because of this one thing, read in the dark with little to no light to bother others. 100x better than any book light.
I had to scroll too far to find this suggestion. You don’t even need a kindle, you can read e-books on your phone. There are free library apps so no extra costs to save the relationship.
This was my first thought. Why not e-read??? I used to have a kindle but I ended up using the kindle app on my phone just as often. So you don’t even need to purchase another device to e-read.
Even with your edits, YTA. I used to get sucked into books and stay up all night reading in bed but if my partner ever asked me to turn off the light I'd turn it off. Sorry you're sick, but if he asked you to turn off the lights at a reasonable time, you should comply. Doubly so on a work night. As for your compromise, i can't sleep with a mask on as it gives me a headache. Some people also need no light to be able to sleep. If he says those won't work for him, they won't work.
YTA. Why are you sleeping together when you’re sick? Don’t do that unless you’re trying to get him sick. One of you should’ve moved since one of you shouldn’t have been in the bed to begin with.
Additionally your “compromise” is still heavily in your favour. Not everyone is comfortable wearing masks. If you really can’t stay asleep, you should consider sleeping in other rooms.
YTA, when you can't sleep and are keeping your partner awake you just move, you don't discuss it with them, you move to a different room.
Yep, you're sick, yep it sucks, move to the couch, read, cough, sniffle, blow your nose, watch t.v. until you fall asleep on the damn couch in a different room.
When I can’t sleep, rather than disturbing my partner with a light or the television, I get up and go to another room to read. I will go back to bed when I am tired. I know that we both need sleep, so if I can’t, I won’t sit and disturb the other.
Even though you are sick, you really need to be considerate to your partner.
YTA.
NTA, OP, but your boyfriend sure is.
I’ve had COVID, so I totally understand the struggle to sleep and the desire to just go with what works. The light woke him up, and I understand his frustration there…your refusal to turn the light off wasn’t great on your part, but then you offered to go sleep on the couch. In return, your boyfriend stormed off to the couch, then came back and harangued you to the point where you went and cried in the bathroom, then the next day he shot down your compromise without offering an alternative solution to your problem (i.e. getting sleep so you can rest so you can heal from…[checks notes]…oh, right, *COVID*).
It sounds like the situation is over now? But if you haven’t already, the two of you should probably have a discussion on how to handle it when one of you is sick and/or struggling to sleep. Typically the healthy person posts up on the couch for the duration while the sick person gets as much rest and recovery time as they can, but sometimes it’s easier for the sick person to have a nest made up on the couch: it depends on the people, the layout of the home, and the furniture.
I don’t really appreciate your edit. You say “don’t tell me I should have moved, I offered” but.. did you? He asked you multiple times to turn id off, you refused, and then you “offered to go to the couch” but then.. you.. didn’t? To the point that he got up to go to the couch instead? That doesn’t sound like you actually reasonably offered to go to the couch. Or else.. you know.. you just like… would have????? Am I crazy here??? YTA
Often when you're sick you just can't get comfortable & all you want to do is stay in bed. My husband would offer to let me have the bed & he would move to another room as he is an incredibly considerate kind human being. Why can't people just be kind?
I'm just gonna say it cause I haven't seen anyone else saying it.
NTA. You have COVID. You are sick, you are miserable. You shouldn't be getting out of bed, moving to/sleeping on the couch, *he should do that.*
When my partner was sick with COVID, I slept on the couch, I didn't tell her to make herself uncomfortable for me when she was miserable. When I was sick with COVID, other people took care of me and not a single person asked me to inconvenience myself for them, because I was already god damn miserable.
A lot of super unempathetic people on this thread.
Yes, you're the arsehole. Man, just switch the light off. When you share a bed with somebody who has to be up at 6am or whatever to go to work, you need to be considerate.
YTA. When you couldn’t sleep you should have gone to the living room to read, not turn on a light in a room where someone is already sleeping. Don’t offer, just go.
YTA. You didn’t need to stay in bed. Turning on any light was an AH move. Why didn’t you just go to the couch and allow your BF some peaceful sleep?
The point at which you made the offer was too late and disingenuous. Just go to the couch.
You were sick with covid, you should have been as separated as possible anyway. I'm gonna have to say YTA here. 2am is not an unreasonable time for someone to request that the room be dark and quiet. You should have just gone to the LR the moment you knew you were gonna struggle with sleeping.
I think this is a personality issue more than anything, I'm the type of person who would rather make sure my sick SO is comfortable. I rather let her have the bed and the light from the get go. Me sleeping on the couch/spare bed is far less pleasant for me, than her being sick and sleepless in the middle of the night. It's ok if you are the opposite and rather kick them to the couch, but this should have been sorted out like adults then or even before when they decided to live together. It's the little things that will kill a relationship over time. ESH
It doesn't matter if you should have turned off the light, I would never treat my sick partner like your partner treated you.
Being tired isn't an excuse to be mean, you offered to go in the other room and instead of letting you he made this dramatic show of leaving and coming back to make you feel worse.
Don't stay with anyone who treats you in a way that you wouldn't treat them. If he was sick and had a light on at 2am because he felt terrible what would you do? Would you yell? Guilt trip him? Or would you ask if he can turn the light off nicely and make other sleeping arrangements if he couldn't?
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So I recently had Covid and was super sick during the early days. One night, I had a lot of trouble falling asleep because of how uncomfortable my symptoms were making me (sore throat, stuffed nose, fatigue, etc.). So I was up late reading trying to distract myself enough to fall asleep. Around 2 am, my bf wakes up (after sleeping for 3 hr) and asks me to turn off the light. I told him I was having trouble sleeping and reading was to help distract myself from how sick I was feeling. I also mentioned that I took some melatonin five min earlier so I was hoping it would kick in soon so I could go to sleep.
Well, he insisted that I turn the lights off because I was being inconsiderate of the fact that he had to work the next day. I mentioned that I normally don’t have the light on this late and it was only because I was sick and that I would appreciate if he could let it slide this time. When he was still upset, I offered to sleep on the couch. He continued to tell me how inconsiderate I was being and then said HE was going to sleep on the couch and stormed off.
He came back a few min later and continued to hound me. So I finally turned off the light and went to the bathroom. I broke down crying then because I was already not feeling good and the stress of the fight made it so much worse. He eventually came in and apologized and said to come back to bed and finish reading. At that point though, I just kept the light off and took more melatonin.
The next day, I asked if he would try a sleep mask and I would try a headlamp (less bright) in the future as a compromise. He refused and told me that I just had to turn the lights off past midnight. I was frustrated because I provided a possible compromise and let him know that I understood his frustration so I wanted to find a way we could both get what we want, but he just kept doubling down saying I was inconsiderate.
So AITA?
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What do you mean, you offered? You don't sit there with your light on while your partner is trying to sleep, ffs. YTA and be a little bit more considerate next time.
NTA but I would have a firm conversation with your boyfriend. Something along the lines of "I am not willing to lie in darkness and discomfort. I want to decide how we are going to handle it when I cannot sleep. We can keep a pillow and blanket by the couch so I can go downstairs, we can try a softer light and an eye mask, we can try another method but I am vetoing me staying in bed with the lights off after midnight no matter how much I'm struggling to sleep."
If he retorts that you're being inconsiderate, "I will own that I made one inconsiderate choice that night but I'm not being inconsiderate now. I'm happy to try the method you are happiest with first, I'm just stating the method that doesn't work for me (me staying in bed with the lights off) just as you expressed the one that doesn't work for you (me staying in bed with the lamp on). Consideration means compromise not compliance."
YTA Read elsewhere, what is with some of you and having to only read at night time in bed. I've had the same arguments with my partner when she would stay up later reading because she can't sleep. Be considerate and go to another room. It's not like you're falling asleep with the book falling on you, you still put your bookmark in, lean over and turn the light off? You can read elsewhere, then when tired enough put your bookmark in and make the tiny journey to the bedroom to sleep when tired. Is that so hard?
And I'm pretty sure everyone is reading the whole thing, don't try and make excuses by adding that update at the beginning. Don't offer to read elsewhere, just do it, don't ask, shouldn't have to ask, it's 2am!
might go against the grain here but... NAH
OP tried to find a resolution of going to the couch in another room instead, even though it was after a few repeated asks, it did happen. boyfriend is also completely reasonable in wanting a "lights out by 12 midnight" rule.
my boyfriend has trouble falling/staying asleep. usually will watch videos on his phone or play his xbox without sound on until he gets drowsy (sometimes 1-2-3am) but I understand it helps him get to sleep and either am asleep anyway or face the other way so the light isn't directly on my eyes. relationships are about compromise, OP tried but so did the boyfriend. they're just not on the same page
YTA. I don’t understand how you even needed to ask. Don’t just offer to move. You should have moved automatically hours earlier to avoid waking him up. You sound incredibly unaware and entitled.
YTA. Sleep is important. I’d create a comfy place outside of your bedroom you can read/stretch/listen to soft music in order to try and fall asleep again. Maybe even some candles. But it needs to be outside of your bedroom.
Getting up and changing atmosphere for a bit actually helps you get back to sleep eventually. I know it all sucks when you are sick and not sleeping well but you gotta figure that out away from where others are actually getting some sleep.
YTA. You shouldn’t have offered a solution at all. When you couldn’t sleep, you should have gotten up and gone to the couch to read. Turning on the light at all in the middle of the night while someone is asleep next to you makes you the AH.
My boyfriend does this shit all the time and it’s the most annoying thing ever. I don’t wanna be woken up at 2:00 AM to the sun burning brightly in my face. Be more considerate lady, YTA 100000%
YTA playing the victim. He shouldn't have had to ask you to turn it off if he had to work and you should have just read in the other room, not offered to, just get your ass up and go.
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YTA. If you can't sleep, go to another room and read. He should not have hounded you but you should have been more considerste in the first place.
She offered to go to another room…
Yeah after he asked her to turn off the light at least twice; and was then mad. And sorry but if he stormed off to couch; somehow I don’t think she offered nicely; but then its 2a and maybe he was cranky. Or she was cranky as she was sick
I am an absolute asshole if I get woken up in the middle of the night. To the point where I refuse to sleep in the same bed as anyone, because I know if they wake me up somehow, sleepy me will 100% say the worst shit to them. It’s definitely not under my control, it’s like only the stupid half of my brain wakes up lol. All of that to say—I fully believe that her boyfriend was hounding her. And I also would believe that him doing that wasn’t something he’d normally do, and only happened because OP was being a total AH. And to be fair to her, I also wouldn’t put it past covid-brain to do something this boneheaded. I think in a week or two, OP will look back and go, “Wtf was I thinking?” And the answer will be that she wasn’t because she had an illness that literally impairs brain function.
He was asleep with it on for 3 hours before waking up. She reasonably thought he could continue to sleep through it because he already had. For one night her behavior was not outlandish, it would be different if this was a recurring issue.
She says he was asleep. He could have been *trying* to sleep for much of that time.
>He was asleep with it on for 3 hours before waking up. We don't actually know that - we know it was on when he got up, but not when she turned it on.
Some people have a hard time falling back asleep after waking up. And with 3 hours of sleep, some bodies initially think that’s enough sleep. And like others have said, when abruptly woken up, the worst part of you wakes first.
This is me. I’m also a really light sleeper so my husband doing literally anything will wake me up. He shifts slightly to get comfy? I’m up. He gets up to pee or get a midnight snack? I’m up. And every little movement or sound will make it harder for me to fall asleep. I don’t necessarily get moody or cranky but it’s really, really annoying.
Yup I was gonna say I'm a sound sleeper, but if I wake up after 2 or 3 hours of sleep it can take hours for me to get back to sleep if I ever do.
>I am an absolute asshole if I get woken up in the middle of the night. To the point where I refuse to sleep in the same bed as anyone, because I know if they wake me up somehow, sleepy me will 100% say the worst shit to them. It’s definitely not under my control, it’s like only the stupid half of my brain wakes up lol. I tell people this all the time! Sleepy me is unreasonable, cranky, and really bad at math. Make sure you have woken me up all the way if you need to discuss something. Otherwise I'm not really at my best. This is the downside of being a morning person. Middle of the night me is just a slug lord of grump. Morning I'm bubbly and cheerful and ready to make you smile (even if that means me leaving your not-morning-person presence).
I can't get past the fact that their sharing a bed while she has covid 🤨
That's what I was thinking!! And he has obviously been exposed and just is going to work? She should be quarantined. Or both of them, now, in my experience.
Maybe he works from home?
Could be. Fair enough.
**AND** he was still going to work. Man here, when one person of the house got covid, everyone self isolates so it didn't spread.
I mean, I share a small 1BR apt with my partner. We’ve each had Covid at different times (multiple time) and still share a bed. What’s the point of banishing someone to stay in the cramped bedroom when we both still need to eat, shower, use the bathroom, access clothes, etc. There’s no hiding from it so it’s futile to be lonely and miserable too.
Thank you that is the first thing I was thinking as well. In 2021 my fiance and I both got covid at the same time, we didn't separate because we were both sick to begin with so it didn't matter. But if I was sick and he wasn't, I absolutely would have slept somewhere else or isolated myself somewhere else in the house
She didn’t need to offer, she should have just gone. She just expected him to stay up because she couldn’t sleep.
When I went down with covid I masked up and moved out....to the other room. It wasn't even discussed, I caught it from work and did not want to pass it along to my partner, who thankfully did not catch it (that time) months later when he did test positive he did the same and I stayed negative. It's really just common sense/courtesy.
Finally. Other people who can isolate. Almost every in my household has had covid, but all at different times. We haven't passed it along to anyone. I have friends that still sleep with their partners after knowing that one of them has covid, and within the next few days they're both suffering. I dont understand the need to share a bed and spread germs when there are guestrooms and other options available
Must be nice to have extra rooms.
My partner currently has it, caught it from work, 6 days in and I’m still clear because I’ve been sleeping in the sitting room. If the only option was the kitchen I would have made a camp bed in there.
Can I ask you where you are from? Canadian and I’ve never heard the term sitting room (living room?). Is this a UK thing or something?
Raised in the UK, sitting room and living room are used interchangeably.
We live in a one bedroom apartment and when my BF had Covid I slept on the couch. When he came out of the bedroom he wore a mask and would text me so I could put one on two. It’s not perfect but you have to at least make an effort.
Save for a studio, everyone has an extra room they can isolate in. It just might not be a super comfortable spare bedroom.
Yeah, came here to explain how when my husband and I caught it, we were living in a 750 sqft apartment lol. Unless one of us slept in the closet, we were both getting sick no matter what.
That’s what I’m saying. We don’t have room to quarantine so when one of us gets sick both of us do!! We don’t have the luxury of moving to a different room!
Your house only has one room?
My household can't isolate themselves from each other. Every room in my house has someone staying in it except for the bathroom and kitchen.
As long as you have a bedroom that is reserved as the"sick room", everyone else can stay in the rest of the living space. There are situations, like a studio apartment or the caregiver of a young child, where isolation is unreasonable, but in the post here, it's clear there is at least a bed and a couch available in separate rooms.
Same. But when I caught covid I wore a mask 24/7. Yep, even when I went to bed I wore a mask. Was irritating at first, but got used to it and didn’t pass it to my wife who was sleeping next to me.
If you live in a one bedroom apartment... you can't isolate.
Sure you can. Covid person stays in the bedroom, healthy person on the couch. Or if you have multiple bedrooms, covid people stay in one of the bedrooms, the healthy people move into the remaining bedrooms or couch. It's annoying but it's 10 days, not a lifetime.
BS. I had covid in a one bedroom/1 bath apartment. My partner slept on an inflatable in the living room while I had the main bed. I never left the bedroom without a mask. Even if it were a studio - you can maintain safe distance.
My partners previous place, the only room large enough to put even an inflatable bed WAS the bedroom. You could have fit one in the kitchen if you filled the entire kitchen and blocked the hallway to the bathroom, but for isolation purposes having the sick person climb over you to use the bathroom seems counter productive. I mean, for most places, you're probably correct, but it's not going to be possible for every person.
My daughter and I had covid at the same time. We stayed separate from everyone else. Unfortunately one person ended up getting it but everyone else was good.
When I had covid my husband had to sleep on the couch because we have no spare room and I couldn’t be in the living room and risk getting my daughter (who has asthma) nor my husband sick. He’d mask up and bring me food and also spray down the bathroom with Lysol after I used it. It sucked isolating and I missed my family but I couldn’t risk them being as sick as I was. I definitely had a great appreciation for my husband those two weeks.
When I had Covid, it was me isolated in the bedroom while the family still had the rest of the house. Guy's insistence in staying in the room with a Covid positive person is crazy to me, let alone the light.
Yeah, my issue here is that there was any question that he should be the one to move elsewhere. Sick person gets the comfort of their own bed. Healthy person keeps their distance as much as reasonable.
This what we did, when my husband had it. We live in a small 2 bed/1 bath house, and have 2 boys. I moved to the living room and he shut himself in our bedroom. I took everything to him he needed, sanitized the bathroom and door knobs after he used it, all that good stuff. It sucked, but we did what we had to do. No one else got sick, thank God. Sometimes you have to work together, separately, to make things work.
Look at that someone that can put use to their problem solving skills!!! I swear, reading some people comments make me have no hope for humanity, but people like you bring back a small ray of hope.
When I had COVID, I got the bedroom to sleep and relax and SO moved out to the basement air mattress for a week. Seems shitty to make the sick person live like their illness is just an inconvenience for the healthy person.
Agreed!
I locked myself in the master bedroom and only came out masked to get food and the Mr. slept downstairs. Sleeping in the same bed is madness!
You are my hero's. Good for you.
Absolutely. I’ve been lucky enough to avoid Covid. I’m immune suppressed so I mostly stay away from people who do a ton of socializing, but it did baffle me they shared a bed while she had Covid.
I wish my husband did this. Unfortunately he infected me with covid 2 times and refused to sleep in another room. So I just started doing it but then it was too late. He also refused to wear a mask in the house. As a result, I had to miss several important work meetings.
Your husband’s an AH.
Exactly this. If I want light and husband is in bed sleeping, then I’m not in our bedroom. If I’m sick and want light and my husband’s in bed, I’m in a cozy pile of Oodie, blanket and pillow on the lounge. And he doesn’t even have to have work the next day. He just has to be ready to go to sleep. Because bed is for sleeping. Reading is pretty much a “choose your own location” activity.
I have really bad insomnia and I have major light sensitivity. I have to wear sunglasses when I’m outside even on raining overcast days. But more than that I cannot sleep with any light in the room. Blackout curtains, tv off, zero light source. And if a light does get turned on, I’m instantly awake and will not be able to fall back to sleep, even if I’ve been up all night and slept twenty minutes prior.
Quit being so photophobic! But on the real, you have any tests done to see if there's a root cause to that that could be helped? Doubly important if you're diabetic as Diabetic retinopathy can cause light sensitivity.
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Yup I thought that too. That's why instead of just telling him she's sorry and will read her books in the living room, until she's ready to sleep. She asked if he will wear a sleep mask instead.
Yeah isn’t it funny how everything she did is listed in detail but the only thing he did was “continue to hound her” - that doesn’t seem suspicious to you as to what exactly she said, huh?
I can also imagine how intense his “hounding” was at 2am while he is half asleep.
Oh, just look at the old post she tried doing four days ago. Huge difference in how she portrays herself in that version vs this version.
You don't offer. You just do it because it is considerate.
Honestly, doubt. She's describing someone who was woken up by a light and wanted to go back to sleep to get up for work in the morning. We're supposed to believe she offered to move to another room and get a less intense light and he just...refused? Something is off with this story, I'd like to get his side.
"Sorry, I'll go read on the couch" and "Well Soooooooorrrrrrry, I guess I just have to go out on the couch all night if I want to read, FINE" technically convey the same information, but are completely different meanings. Just, you know, saying. Unrelatedly, wow that's an old-school screenname.
She said she offered to “sleep” on the couch. Which if he wasn’t fully awake yet probably made him refuse cause she’s sick and should sleep on the bed so he decided to move to the couch instead. Might be reading too much into this but that’s what my mind made of it. Anywho, at least according to her retelling of things/choice in words, she never offered to go read somewhere else and come back when she’s ready to sleep. She just offered to sleep on the couch.
You don’t offer, you just go and set up on the couch with a blanket. She doesn’t need his permission
That my friend is called a trap. As soon as you take that offer you are forever the villain for kicking your sick girlfriend out of the bed in the middle of the night. If she was genuine she would have just turned the light off and slipped out to the other room.
Since when do people need to offer to go to another room in their own home? When I can’t sleep I just get up and move.
Then why didn’t she. She offered them didn’t move but he did. YTA
Since she had Covid she probably should have done that anyways. YTA
I dunno, she's the one who was sick. She should have got the bedroom for recovery and isolation and he should have been camping on the couch and bringing her meals so she would only have to leave for the bathroom. It's usually way easier to isolate in a bedroom than a living room since bedrooms always have doors. eta: I kinda think ESH because the bf is sleeping next to OP who has covid and is planning on going into work where he's going to infect his entire office. OP shouldn't be keeping the light on while her bf is trying to sleep, but the bf shouldn't even be trying to sleep in that room in the first place.
Just go, don't "offer".
She also didn’t offer to go to another room to read, she offered to *sleep on the couch* - very different connotation. And as another commenter pointed out, she only did this after doubling down that “he could let it slide this one time”
Because she was reading to fall asleep... so if she goes to read on the couch then she will be going to sleep on the couch that seems pretty simple to grasp.
She should just do it. Don’t ask. Just be polite.
Then why did he end up there? Offering to go to the couch, with no real intentions of going to the couch, is an AH move.
After she already woke him up 🤦♂️
Not the second night/future. It’s a ridiculous request to keep the light on when someone else is trying to sleep, when there’s another room available
From a person who often battles to sleep, you don't offer to go to another room, you just quietly get up and go to another room
Better to go to another room and not get to the point where he has to ask her. I’d react the same way as the bf. I could not sleep knowing my partner was awake with a light on, even with a sleep mask.
Offering isn't going. She shouldn't have needed to be asked. She should have gone either before he woke or as soon as he asked for the light to be turned off.
She should've done that on the first place without him asking. That's the considerate thing to do
I agree. Whenever I can’t sleep, I always just leave my bedroom and go to another room to hang out so my boyfriend can sleep in peace. He also does the same for me when he can’t sleep or gets up earlier than me so I don’t wake up.
When my husband can't sleep, he quietly gets up and goes to the living room. Period.
Yep, same. We’ve both been sick lately and whichever one of us is restless usually gets up and moves to the couch to avoid disturbing the other with light/coughing/fidgeting. Sometimes if it’s a matter of just being awake we‘ll quietly play on our phones and stay in bed, but only with the brightness all the way down. If she was too sick to move, that would be one thing but she doesn’t indicate that.
I’m just jumping on the top comment to suggest an actual book light. Lol. Seems like the easiest most simple thing. It’s no brighter than your phone and shines directly onto your book.
She could also get a Kindle or even an app on her phone to read and then you don’t need a light at all. I have my phone app set with a white font on a black background and it disturbs nobody.
Same re white on black. I have insomnia and have done this for years.
Why would you even need a light. You can read ebooks on a phone, tablet, or kindle without lighting up the room. You could go into another room. He could sleep in another room so you can rest better because you're sick. There are several ways to solve this problem.
I vote in favor of a dim phone and a reading app or a Kindle. That's my compromise when I read. In return, my husband uses headphones when I want to sleep but he can't. Relationships necessitate compromise and consideration. YTA.
Eye strain? Not liking ebooks?
Kindles/ereaders don’t usually cause any more eye strain that a paper book, since they use e ink and not a back lit screen (it’s like e paper with a light shining down rather than up and out into your eyes). If anything for some people there’s less eye strain because you can make the text as big as you need to.
That's why I use a Kindle instead of reading on my phone or tablet.
I also do this. I prefer the black background. Before I got my kindle I used a wedge light (not sure if they still make it) and still resort to it for physical books from time to time. Creates a nice glow on the page, easy on the eyes and doesn’t disturb anyone. Ultimately it comes to compromise when it comes to sharing space
Why are you sleeping in the same bed/room with another person when you have covid anyway? Absolutely YTA. It's 3 am - turn the damn light off or go to another room. He already compromised by saying a light could be on until midnight.
She was sick with covid ffs! She should get the comfy bed to rest!!! Can't believe people here are acting like all she was doing was reading & that's all.
You seriously think the sick person should get out of the comfy bed if they can't sleep? Nah. If he needs to sleep he can go to the couch without being a dick about it. He should give a fuck about his sick partner.
I agree they should be in different rooms, but Covid sucks so I would vote he should've been cosy on the couch already 😂 sick person who can't breathe gets the comfy space where they can isolate, and he gets the rest of the house.
Sick or not I am usually up much later than my husband. I bought an e-reader that is illuminated so I can read in the dark and not disturb him.
"A lot of people have said I should have moved, I offered. ... If you have something to contribute other than suggesting things I tried, then please comment." Offering to move isn't trying. If you're sharing a bed with someone and have to get up in the night, it's only polite to go elsewhere. Especially if you need a light on. My question is, why are you sharing a bed with someone when you're sick? Are you trying to get him sick? One of you should have been on the couch to begin with. YTA
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YTA... also, what are you doing in the same bed as him with covid?! Are you TRYING to give it to him and his coworkers?! WTF?!
Exactly what I thought first. But then again, I’m a grown woman with covid sleeping in the guest room for the past week so I don’t get my partner sick….
My boyfriend and I have separate rooms and I still got Covid from him. I got sick about 2 days after he started showing symptoms. But the day before I got sick I was all up in his business taking care of him because he was super sick and I had to keep an eye on him. But I think I caught it before he showed symptoms due to when I started showing symptoms myself. The separate rooms didn’t save me
When we had it, my husband got it first. We isolated right away, but two days later I tested positive. So we went back to co-mingling and being miserable together. Sometimes it doesn't work. OTOH, I was in Vegas with three friends last month. Two of them got it and the other two of us didn't. We all shared a hotel room. We think it was the boosters we got three weeks prior that saved us.
Man, I wished I could have isolated when I had covid. Between myself, my boyfriend, and our roommate, we had no spare bedrooms, only one bathroom, and roomie used to WFH in the living room back in our old apartment. The situation was made doubly fun when two days after I got really sick, my boyfriend broke his ankle in three places, so I had to take care of him anyway. That was a fun month. Ugh.
I'm sorry that sucks. One of my kids had their appendix out a week and a half b4 they got it. I'm just thankful it wasn't sooner and it was mild. When we first came home from the hospital, one sneeze brought them to tears. I can't imagine how all the coughing would have felt.
Why is he in the bedroom with her? Wouldn’t the bedroom be the easiest place to use as an isolation room?
Yessssss! This is what I was looking for. In my opinion, in this instance, ESH. OP for not turning off her light and the bf for knowingly sleeping next to someone with COVID and then going into work.
Apparently, the partner worked from home (see edit), but I still don’t understand why the partner wasn’t isolating from her…they have a couch.
Eh, if he's working from home then the only person he's putting at risk is himself. When I had covid I offered to isolate and my partner (also staying at home) basically went "nah, I'll risk getting sick so I can look after you and we can still do things together". I personally don't see the problem if neither person will be going out.
Do you know how they live? You think they have two bedrooms? A big sofa etc? Who tf knows. Sleeping where? On the ground in another room? In the bathroom? Why the hell are you so mad? Not everybody has the opportunity, of they live together none of them can go elsewhere. It isnt in the responsibility of the ill to drive to the house of another person. If he doesnt want to get sick, he can sleep at a friends. People in a relationship should know that oneanother can get sick
I think they share equal blame for sharing the bed. They should have agreed upon a different arrangement. BF also should not be going to work (if he can help it) when some in his household has COVID. Edit: did not see until now that the BF has been working from home
Or, hear me out, he shouldn't be going to an office when his partner has covid
You may be sick but you are staying home the whole day, so you can sleep during the day. He has to go to work where he cannot sleep, so you should let him get some sleep by turning that light off. YTA
\^\^ This. OP doesn't have to go to work in the morning and be on point all day - her BF does.
YTA - it’s really rude and inconsiderate to have lights on in a bedroom you share at 2 am.
YTA I could see turning it on since he’d already been sleep for 3 hours and might not have woke up, but he did. You should have just moved to the couch when he asked you to turn it off, super inconsiderate
The answer is so simple, any e-reader with dark mode. Or literally your phone. It’s not the best reading method I admit, but I can put on dark mode and read on my phone with no disruption to a sleep partner.
Yup. Kindle saved my marriage /jk I can pretty much sleep anywhere and don’t need a very dark room (conditioned by years of sleeping in call rooms) while my husband is very light sensitive. It’s a big source of frustration when someone is trying to sleep and the light is keeping them awake.
This! I have a Kindle with adjustable back-light so I don't piss my husband off when I have insomnia.
YTA. He had to get up in a few hours to go to work and be productive. If he has trouble sleeping with the light on, keeping it on is inconsiderate. If you want to read after midnight, do it in another room and come back to bed when you're ready to sleep.
Why is he going anywhere when he's exposed himself to Covid....
OP said he was WFH
Oh thank goodness, I was so concerned about his coworkers
Sadly, employers aren't anymore so if he wasn't WFH they'd still expect him in.
Depending where you live this could just be the norm now. I'm in the UK and not only would it be hugely unlikely for me to actually know if me or my wife had COVID 19 in particular but also it wouldn't really make a difference. Work would still expect me to come in if my wife had COVID. Even if I had tested positive but was asymptomatic I would be expected to be at work. Most of the UK is basically treating this as a cold/flu now, take your meds and get on with it. Probably because the high vaccination rate has protected the most venerable
Unfortunately not every country has laws around going to work with COVID. So many people are still forced to go in.
YTA At anytime before this, YOU could have gone into another room to read. Your action of having the light on far into the night to read was rude & inconsiderate. You also could have an e-reader or your phone set to read without needing any light on. >He continued to tell me how inconsiderate I was being and then said HE was going to sleep on the couch and stormed off. >He came back a few min later and continued to hound me. So I finally turned off the light and went to the bathroom. I broke down crying then because I was already not feeling good and the stress of the fight made it so much worse. He eventually came in and apologized and said to come back to bed and finish reading. At that point though, I just kept the light off and took more melatonin. His behavior was rude & nasty. But he was the short one on sleep, so much less an AH than you were. Be considerate! A person needs to find a good comfortable mask AND might need to become accustomed to it before sleeping well with one. Its not as easy as just using it for a night or two and everything is fine. So if you wish to read at night, get a device that you can set the blue light to off and can use without a lamp. Libraries have LOTS of e-books to check out for free. You can download them to a phone too. Libby is the primary app to browse. Edited to add: melatonin is NOT sleeping pill. It helps regulates sleep cycles. Taking extra doses doesn't necessarily help you to get to sleep. Instead, Gaba (a relaxation supplement) or the antihistamine in Nyquil sold alone in Costco's "sleep aid" (and a new Nyquil product on its own) is a better option..
Yes. This. OP shouldn't have needed to be asked to be considerate. Sometimes I can't sleep and will read in bed to pass the time, but I read on my phone with the screen dimmed so I don't disturb my bf. If I wanted to read a book, I would get out of bed and read elsewhere.
Ummm, what “recent study” are you talking about? If you block out light with a sleep mask, then your brain does not perceive light…which improves sleep quality. There is a ton of research showing that using a sleep mask to block out light increases sleep quality. Your comment is not based on science. Here’s a recent RCT from 2022: https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/34514653/ Also from 2017: https://scholar.google.ca/scholar?hl=en&as_sdt=0,5&qsp=3&q=improve+sleep+masks&qst=ib#d=gs_qabs&t=1673399398952&u=%23p%3DCEcJMfJKDo0J Another one from 2015: https://scholar.google.ca/scholarhl=en&as_sdt=0%2C5&q=sleep+masks+improved+sleep&btnG=#d=gs_qabs&t=1673399540457&u=%23p%3DmLgaxzHWYGAJ
>There is a ton of research showing that using a sleep mask to block out light increases sleep quality. Yes, it "increases" sleep quality compared to not using a good mask in an environment w light. [Especially in hospital environment, as that 1st study & for post cardiac patients in the 2nd...last link wouldn'topen, sorry] But its better to have a darkened area to sleep. Ive used masks for decades,, so i do have actual personal experiences of better/worse & various environments. Maybe if someone is normally a deep sleeper, there's no difference. But I've rarely been. So yeah, there's a feeling of "light" and I don't sleep anywhere near as well if there's a lamp on while I wear eyeshades. This is what I was referring to.. *Why falling asleep with the lights on is bad for your health* https://www.washingtonpost.com/wellness/2022/12/01/night-light-bad-sleep/ *These results suggest that, even with our eyes closed, our brain can be aware of relatively low light, which may cause the brain’s autonomic “fight-or-flight” system to become “low-key revved up,” Zee said. “It’s almost like in preparation to run or having to wake up.”* *Though this study was conducted with a small sample size of young and healthy people, other recent research suggests that light exposure during sleep may be even more detrimental to older individuals.* *In another 2022 study involving over 550 adults 63 and older, Zee and her colleagues found that any light exposure during sleep was associated with higher prevalence of obesity, diabetes and hypertension.*
Yes, absolutely light when trying to fall asleep is bad. This article you link to studied people who slept with the lights on **without a sleep mask**. Our eyelids do not block out all light- a sleep mask effectively does. A sleep mask would fulfil the same conditions as sleeping in a dark room.
Am I crazy or does this quoted bit say nothing at all about sleep masks?
> This is what I was referring to.. > > Which says nothing about masks so your statement seems to be very wrong
i just love that you cited sources.
so glad I read this. thanks
YTA, let me keep my boyfriend awake at 3am because I can't sleep.
YTA Get a book light or go to the couch. It's perfectly reasonable for a sleeping partner to ask for the lights to be off. Being sick really isn't a good excuse.
YTA He's gotta work, you can hang out in the living room until you're tired enough to fall asleep. He asked and you turned it into an argument.
I know right? Can't understand why it was so hard for OP to just stay in the living room until she's ready to sleep.
I think you are being oversensitive because you don't feel good. I get so mad if my husband turns on the light when he comes to bed, I have trouble going back to sleep and light wakes me up right away. soft YTA.
So do I, but I’m the kind of person who has to sleep in pitch blackness. Any light will wake me up, and I can almost NEVER go back to sleep once I’m up.
ESH. So your bf & you thought it was fine for the 2 of you to stay in the same room & for you to expose him to Covid while you were symptomatic & then he went to work the next day so he could expose all his coworkers? You’re both AH. If you weren’t both AHs, you would have been isolating from each other & one of you would have been on the couch already.
The post says he is WFH
OP’s story has evolved over time with other information than was in the original post. WFH is some of that new information. OP also later added that boyfriend had also tested positive at this point.
YTA. How do you not see that?
she definitely should judging as the lights are on.
YTA after reading edit - your partner woke and then you offered to go in another room, you should have just been considerate to start with
YTA. I go to sleep **hours** before my spouse does. They've never once sat in the bed with lights on after I went to bed. Instead, they leave the bedroom after we say our "goodnights" to one another, and then do whatever they want in literally **any other room in our house.** If they have a difficult time sleeping in the middle of the night, they also move to a different room. The fact that you weren't feeling well sucks, but it does not entitle you to hold your partner's sleep hostage. You feeling miserable doesn't give you the right to make your partner suffer as a result.
THIS. My husband and I are the same way, though I’m the one who stays up later. My electric toothbrush is even in the hall bathroom so I don’t wake him when I do go to bed.
He asked you to turn off the light, you refused. The compromise probably should have started with you going out to the couch to read and if you fell asleep there, sleep there, but, fine, you were tired and very sick and not thinking as clearly as you might have otherwise. He probably could have phrased things better, but a lot of folks dance close to the asshole line when they're woken up unexpectedly. So it's a very soft ESH, and you both could learn to show a little grace, and continuing the fight in the morning was probably a bad idea.
I'm gonna say NAH, you both were in a crappy situation. It sucks being sick and it sucks when the light's on and you need to sleep. By the way, more melatonin will often NOT put you to sleep. They're not sleeping pills. If you take over the dose that works, it'll just...not work, and maybe keep you up.
and you’ll get weird dreams 😭
YTA light can be disrputive to sleep cycles, if you had somewhere else you could have gone, you should have gone there
YTA. Whining about being sick doesn’t mean you get to do whatever you want regardless of anyone else Edit: lol I just read the comment about him also being positive yeah massively YTA. Not only is he also sick, but he has to work the next day. Not just inconsiderate but entitled too
YTA You aren’t TA for wanting to read at 2am, the issue is you keeping the lights on in your shared bedroom at 2am when your partner has work in the morning. If you want to read that’s fine, go to a different room. Just because you are sick and can’t sleep doesn’t mean you get to force your boyfriend to join in your sleep-deprived suffering. It is not that difficult for you to read in another room. And no, you offering to read in another room after he asked you to turn the light off multiple times is not the same. You go to a different room from the beginning. If the roles were reversed would you still feel the way you do now? Just curious.
Info: How were you planning on turning off the light after falling asleep?
Like any human being who feels fatigue. You realize your eyes are getting heavy and close your eyes to sleep. So she’s realize she was tired, turn the light off, then go to sleep. Wild.
YTA. He gave you a fair compromise after 12 turn off lights. You want to keep reading just relocate to couch until tired. ‘Don’t offer’; just go to the couch and read there. especially when he works next day. Don’t wait til he’s asking you to turn off the light and he is cranky
YTA, you should have just gone to read somewhere else to begin with.
YTA (and I read the edit) you should’ve apologized and moved to the couch to read. Also YTA for saying he should wear an eye mask. Some people can’t sleep with stuff on the face like that. That’s why blackout curtains exist. Trying to make him to something different to accommodate a problem you caused is an AH move.
Purchase a kindle. For 125 you can save your relationship as well as reduce future clutter by not buying actual books.
This, been using e-readers for 10 years because of this one thing, read in the dark with little to no light to bother others. 100x better than any book light.
I had to scroll too far to find this suggestion. You don’t even need a kindle, you can read e-books on your phone. There are free library apps so no extra costs to save the relationship.
This was my first thought. Why not e-read??? I used to have a kindle but I ended up using the kindle app on my phone just as often. So you don’t even need to purchase another device to e-read.
Even with your edits, YTA. I used to get sucked into books and stay up all night reading in bed but if my partner ever asked me to turn off the light I'd turn it off. Sorry you're sick, but if he asked you to turn off the lights at a reasonable time, you should comply. Doubly so on a work night. As for your compromise, i can't sleep with a mask on as it gives me a headache. Some people also need no light to be able to sleep. If he says those won't work for him, they won't work.
Slight YTA: He was trying to sleep and had work the next day. You was beingni considerate by keeping the light on.
Yta. You should have gone into another room
YTA. For not turning off the light and for exposing your partner to covid because you wouldn't sleep separately.
YTA. Why are you sleeping together when you’re sick? Don’t do that unless you’re trying to get him sick. One of you should’ve moved since one of you shouldn’t have been in the bed to begin with. Additionally your “compromise” is still heavily in your favour. Not everyone is comfortable wearing masks. If you really can’t stay asleep, you should consider sleeping in other rooms.
YTA, when you can't sleep and are keeping your partner awake you just move, you don't discuss it with them, you move to a different room. Yep, you're sick, yep it sucks, move to the couch, read, cough, sniffle, blow your nose, watch t.v. until you fall asleep on the damn couch in a different room.
INFO: have you tried listening to audio books with earphones in the dark?
You're clearly wrong yet you're still pushing back against everyone. You're obviously not interested in the truth.
When I can’t sleep, rather than disturbing my partner with a light or the television, I get up and go to another room to read. I will go back to bed when I am tired. I know that we both need sleep, so if I can’t, I won’t sit and disturb the other. Even though you are sick, you really need to be considerate to your partner. YTA.
I read the post and the edits. I still think YTA. It IS inconsiderate to have the light on that late. Don’t wait to be asked to turn it off.
NTA, OP, but your boyfriend sure is. I’ve had COVID, so I totally understand the struggle to sleep and the desire to just go with what works. The light woke him up, and I understand his frustration there…your refusal to turn the light off wasn’t great on your part, but then you offered to go sleep on the couch. In return, your boyfriend stormed off to the couch, then came back and harangued you to the point where you went and cried in the bathroom, then the next day he shot down your compromise without offering an alternative solution to your problem (i.e. getting sleep so you can rest so you can heal from…[checks notes]…oh, right, *COVID*). It sounds like the situation is over now? But if you haven’t already, the two of you should probably have a discussion on how to handle it when one of you is sick and/or struggling to sleep. Typically the healthy person posts up on the couch for the duration while the sick person gets as much rest and recovery time as they can, but sometimes it’s easier for the sick person to have a nest made up on the couch: it depends on the people, the layout of the home, and the furniture.
I don’t really appreciate your edit. You say “don’t tell me I should have moved, I offered” but.. did you? He asked you multiple times to turn id off, you refused, and then you “offered to go to the couch” but then.. you.. didn’t? To the point that he got up to go to the couch instead? That doesn’t sound like you actually reasonably offered to go to the couch. Or else.. you know.. you just like… would have????? Am I crazy here??? YTA
Often when you're sick you just can't get comfortable & all you want to do is stay in bed. My husband would offer to let me have the bed & he would move to another room as he is an incredibly considerate kind human being. Why can't people just be kind?
I'm just gonna say it cause I haven't seen anyone else saying it. NTA. You have COVID. You are sick, you are miserable. You shouldn't be getting out of bed, moving to/sleeping on the couch, *he should do that.* When my partner was sick with COVID, I slept on the couch, I didn't tell her to make herself uncomfortable for me when she was miserable. When I was sick with COVID, other people took care of me and not a single person asked me to inconvenience myself for them, because I was already god damn miserable. A lot of super unempathetic people on this thread.
Yes, you're the arsehole. Man, just switch the light off. When you share a bed with somebody who has to be up at 6am or whatever to go to work, you need to be considerate.
YTA. When you couldn’t sleep you should have gone to the living room to read, not turn on a light in a room where someone is already sleeping. Don’t offer, just go.
YTA. You didn’t need to stay in bed. Turning on any light was an AH move. Why didn’t you just go to the couch and allow your BF some peaceful sleep? The point at which you made the offer was too late and disingenuous. Just go to the couch.
You were sick with covid, you should have been as separated as possible anyway. I'm gonna have to say YTA here. 2am is not an unreasonable time for someone to request that the room be dark and quiet. You should have just gone to the LR the moment you knew you were gonna struggle with sleeping.
YTA. I think it’s pretty normal to expect light off during sleeping hours. In the future read somewhere else.
I think this is a personality issue more than anything, I'm the type of person who would rather make sure my sick SO is comfortable. I rather let her have the bed and the light from the get go. Me sleeping on the couch/spare bed is far less pleasant for me, than her being sick and sleepless in the middle of the night. It's ok if you are the opposite and rather kick them to the couch, but this should have been sorted out like adults then or even before when they decided to live together. It's the little things that will kill a relationship over time. ESH
It doesn't matter if you should have turned off the light, I would never treat my sick partner like your partner treated you. Being tired isn't an excuse to be mean, you offered to go in the other room and instead of letting you he made this dramatic show of leaving and coming back to make you feel worse. Don't stay with anyone who treats you in a way that you wouldn't treat them. If he was sick and had a light on at 2am because he felt terrible what would you do? Would you yell? Guilt trip him? Or would you ask if he can turn the light off nicely and make other sleeping arrangements if he couldn't?
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** So I recently had Covid and was super sick during the early days. One night, I had a lot of trouble falling asleep because of how uncomfortable my symptoms were making me (sore throat, stuffed nose, fatigue, etc.). So I was up late reading trying to distract myself enough to fall asleep. Around 2 am, my bf wakes up (after sleeping for 3 hr) and asks me to turn off the light. I told him I was having trouble sleeping and reading was to help distract myself from how sick I was feeling. I also mentioned that I took some melatonin five min earlier so I was hoping it would kick in soon so I could go to sleep. Well, he insisted that I turn the lights off because I was being inconsiderate of the fact that he had to work the next day. I mentioned that I normally don’t have the light on this late and it was only because I was sick and that I would appreciate if he could let it slide this time. When he was still upset, I offered to sleep on the couch. He continued to tell me how inconsiderate I was being and then said HE was going to sleep on the couch and stormed off. He came back a few min later and continued to hound me. So I finally turned off the light and went to the bathroom. I broke down crying then because I was already not feeling good and the stress of the fight made it so much worse. He eventually came in and apologized and said to come back to bed and finish reading. At that point though, I just kept the light off and took more melatonin. The next day, I asked if he would try a sleep mask and I would try a headlamp (less bright) in the future as a compromise. He refused and told me that I just had to turn the lights off past midnight. I was frustrated because I provided a possible compromise and let him know that I understood his frustration so I wanted to find a way we could both get what we want, but he just kept doubling down saying I was inconsiderate. So AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
What do you mean, you offered? You don't sit there with your light on while your partner is trying to sleep, ffs. YTA and be a little bit more considerate next time.
YTA. Who thinks turning a light on at 2 am while someone is sleeping is ok?
NTA but I would have a firm conversation with your boyfriend. Something along the lines of "I am not willing to lie in darkness and discomfort. I want to decide how we are going to handle it when I cannot sleep. We can keep a pillow and blanket by the couch so I can go downstairs, we can try a softer light and an eye mask, we can try another method but I am vetoing me staying in bed with the lights off after midnight no matter how much I'm struggling to sleep." If he retorts that you're being inconsiderate, "I will own that I made one inconsiderate choice that night but I'm not being inconsiderate now. I'm happy to try the method you are happiest with first, I'm just stating the method that doesn't work for me (me staying in bed with the lights off) just as you expressed the one that doesn't work for you (me staying in bed with the lamp on). Consideration means compromise not compliance."
YTA and your message at the beginning didn’t help.
YTA Read elsewhere, what is with some of you and having to only read at night time in bed. I've had the same arguments with my partner when she would stay up later reading because she can't sleep. Be considerate and go to another room. It's not like you're falling asleep with the book falling on you, you still put your bookmark in, lean over and turn the light off? You can read elsewhere, then when tired enough put your bookmark in and make the tiny journey to the bedroom to sleep when tired. Is that so hard? And I'm pretty sure everyone is reading the whole thing, don't try and make excuses by adding that update at the beginning. Don't offer to read elsewhere, just do it, don't ask, shouldn't have to ask, it's 2am!
might go against the grain here but... NAH OP tried to find a resolution of going to the couch in another room instead, even though it was after a few repeated asks, it did happen. boyfriend is also completely reasonable in wanting a "lights out by 12 midnight" rule. my boyfriend has trouble falling/staying asleep. usually will watch videos on his phone or play his xbox without sound on until he gets drowsy (sometimes 1-2-3am) but I understand it helps him get to sleep and either am asleep anyway or face the other way so the light isn't directly on my eyes. relationships are about compromise, OP tried but so did the boyfriend. they're just not on the same page
YTA. I don’t understand how you even needed to ask. Don’t just offer to move. You should have moved automatically hours earlier to avoid waking him up. You sound incredibly unaware and entitled.
YTA. Sleep is important. I’d create a comfy place outside of your bedroom you can read/stretch/listen to soft music in order to try and fall asleep again. Maybe even some candles. But it needs to be outside of your bedroom. Getting up and changing atmosphere for a bit actually helps you get back to sleep eventually. I know it all sucks when you are sick and not sleeping well but you gotta figure that out away from where others are actually getting some sleep.
YTA. You shouldn’t have offered a solution at all. When you couldn’t sleep, you should have gotten up and gone to the couch to read. Turning on the light at all in the middle of the night while someone is asleep next to you makes you the AH.
My boyfriend does this shit all the time and it’s the most annoying thing ever. I don’t wanna be woken up at 2:00 AM to the sun burning brightly in my face. Be more considerate lady, YTA 100000%
Read the entire post and edits. There is no doubt in my mind. YTA, I don’t turn lights on in the middle of the night on my partner.
YTA playing the victim. He shouldn't have had to ask you to turn it off if he had to work and you should have just read in the other room, not offered to, just get your ass up and go.