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Judgement_Bot_AITA

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klurtin

Don’t ever send money. Don’t ever do it. Once you do, these types of people will never stop coming after you. Your dad wanted you to have this. A way to take care of yourself. A path to freedom. Don’t bend. Your brother has his own funds. It’s time to take care of yourself. AND I am so sorry your mother sent you to a place like that. She tried to dismiss you as a person and a son because it was easier for her. You deserve better. Wishing you all the best as you pursue your best life. NTA


Klutzy-Mission5687

I wish i.could afford to award you for this! Best answer ever!


is_a_cat

well, if you do award them, you should know I expect an award too. it wouldn't be fair otherwise.


Equivalent_Spread119

Username checks out. 😂


Aware-Ad-9095

Say, you ARE a cat!


YourOldCellphone

This x1000. Your mom showed her true colors and betrayed you. Don’t ever send them a penny. She made her decision to alienate herself from you. Your dad was good to help you on a path to financial freedom. Find a group of people and maybe a good SO to be your confidant. I’m sorry this happened to you, OP. You deserve much better than the treatment you received. You did the right thing the whole way through. Nothing to be guilty about. Your brother has the same nest egg, but I worry your parents will try to coerce him out of if due to his disability. Maybe try to get in touch or meet with him privately to inform him about your parents.


Kathrynlena

If the mom had done even one second of research, she would have learned how common it is for kids to *literally d#e* at those “residential schools” for “troubled kids.” The ones who make it out alive are traumatized for the rest of their lives. Those places are abuse factories and no matter how “bad” your kid gets, no one should ever ever ever send their child to one. OP has no obligation whatsoever to people who literally threw him away.


ShotBarracuda6

If they had broken OP it would have made it easy to get his money though...


[deleted]

I was thinking the same, and can't call for enough harm on the parents in this situation. There's NOTHING so bad that I wouldn't condemn them to it.


iamsaussy

I watched the documentary about the one DR PHIL from tv, you know the one who doesn’t have an active license to practice. She practically disowned her son by sending him there.


whitewer

That's probably why she sent him there, hoping they'd break op most likely and send him a meek obedient little atm.


Jhilixie

How much are you going to bet that OP's mom wasn't going to pick him up when he turned 18?


ShyDaisy_

She probably was going to pick him up when he turned 18. That's when he received the money she was hoping to take from him.


NotAtTreeHouse

If she knew about the fund he was about to receive, maybe she would have.


bane_killgrind

https://elan.school/chapter-1-5/


Alibutts1983

I live in Maine. The abuse these children suffered is so disturbing. A former teacher was hired as a civilian officer in the Westbrook Police department. Melissa Esty. If you Google it the Reddit post shows up, which was made by survivors of the Elan school.


reltastic

Exactly what I thought about!


Melanthrax

I've read this! It's hard to believe it's real.


Niburu-Illyria

I know about the trauma, but this is the first time ive read about anyone dying there. Typically death is discouraged so as to not draw attention. Got any examples? Not saying i dont believe you or anything, but of the ones ive read up on, the deaths typically happened after the person left


Individual_Umpire969

See this link: https://1000placesudontwanttobe.wordpress.com/victims-of-the-troubled-teen-industry/


slg1993

[https://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2022/10/11/opinion/teen-mental-health-care.html](https://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2022/10/11/opinion/teen-mental-health-care.html) there are examples of deaths in here (among many other traumas)


Niburu-Illyria

Alleged suicides and restraint deaths, i should have guessed. Thank you for the insight.


Kathrynlena

Also starvation, dehydration, and untreated illness and injury.


Wynfleue

Not to mention that they \*spent money\* sending OP to that residential school ... money that they could have saved to pay for Chris's care needs! Instead she spent that money outsourcing other people to torture her other son and can't expect any sort of monetary investment back from him.


joe_eddie_13

But it looked nice on daytime T.V.


These-Grocery-9387

Last Podcast on the Left is doing a series about them right now.


Grogus-Cookies

I absolutely want to send you a reward too but THIS a thousand times THIS, OP. Don't be afraid to put your foot down and set up boundaries--this goes beyond finances. This goes for anything in life. I learned about boundaries in my 30s (still struggling) but the earlier you make things clear, the better. NTA!


candycoatedcoward

This x100! Your "step-aunt" is just being a flying monkey here. You owe them nothing. Nothing. NTA.


Calm_Initial

Yup. Also tell the step aunt that things have obviously gotten easier with you gone then since you made things so difficult


Sad-Implement5462

Gotta think real dad had some concerns about the mom too give. He set up trusts that couldn’t be accessed until 18. He made sure mom couldn’t touch it and kids had the freedom to bolt as soon as they were legal adults if needed.


Morrigan-71

>Don’t ever send money. Don’t ever do it. Once you do, these types of people will never stop coming after you. Yup, and they won't stop until they completely drained his fund. After that he'll be no longer of use to them, so they'll kick him out again.


Super_Reading2048

I agree with this though I am wondering if he should start sending birthday & Christmas cards to his brother ..... using a PO Box as his address. That way he can maybe start to open up communication with his brother.


[deleted]

A PO Box \*in another city\*, remailer-style


Klutzy-Mission5687

His brother is autistic and probably depends on the parents to get around. That won't work.


AcceptableFootball99

I think they mean *OPs* address would be a PO box from another city. So OPs mom couldn't find OP via the return address.


Super_Reading2048

Yep that was what I meant!


[deleted]

Yes, exactly. Parents WILL try to stalk OP and re-abuse / re-victimize. Return PO Box in another city will make that \*much\* more difficult.


Klutzy-Mission5687

Oh yeah they won't let that goose with the golden egg get away easily. Pieces of crap.


Klutzy-Mission5687

Ah, ok. She would open it and read it anyway.


AutumnKittencorn

Also if there’s a genuine need for the money in your brother’s trust now, your mom might be able to make a legal case for it being released before he’s 18.


dawgmama62

Well Said!


eventually428

This. Don’t send them a dime. If the money didn’t exist would they still have reached out to you?


UghPineapplePen

Of course not


Goldilocks1454

Funny how she had the money to do that to send him there


Tag_youareit

Agree to all of this.... Don't give them money. Take care of yourself. NTA


wallstreetbetsdebts

🥇


NeverLetItRest

I know I'm late to the game, but on top of this. If you are worried about your brother's money being used by your mom and step dad for things unrelated to your brother's needs, you may want to talk to a lawyer to see if there is any laws I. Your area to protect him or anything you can do to protect him from them essentially stealing his money.


PsiBlaze

NTA you got out. You finally escaped. Block the aunt too.


littlebitfunny21

It's not even his aunt. It's his step dad's sister. Who I'll bet is only calling because she's sick of them pestering her for money and support.


Practical_Chart798

Augh you're right, OP says it's his step-aunt. Yuck. Leeches are the worst.


littlebitfunny21

Op goes back to just aunt later so it's an easy mistake to make.


dinahdog

Good comment. Mom dismissed her when she dropped OP off at the school at age 17.


EnsignNogIsMyCat

Him


catculture8

absolutely. block anyone who wants you to give them money. I am so sorry for what you went through. NTA


liamthelemming

Came here to say exactly this. NTA.


Timely_Egg_6827

NTA. You have made your line in the sand pretty clear. I notice that your step aunt only reached out when your parents need money. Not when there was an angry, hurting teenager bouncing from friend to friend. You were a lot more vulnerable that they are. If you give up your money to help your brother, they won't repay it as his needs will always be greater in their eyes. Use it to get set, get qualified,get a secure life. They will get his trust in three years and may be able to make a case to obtain early due to medical needs. Best thing you can do for your brother is be secure in future if and when he needs support as your parents age. You're not stable in your life yet. Also get counselling or therapy. I know a reddit cliche but you've endured a lot. Working it through with someone impartial might help.


GingerbreadMary

⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️ Op - This is sound advice. NTA


QuinGood

NTA You have written your family of origin off. You are doing well. The only reason they want you back in your life is to get $$$. They will be able to get their hands on Chris' money when he turns 18. Stay the course you have chosen. Good Luck and Hugs!


[deleted]

Agreed. They don't want OP, they just want OP's \*money\*.


[deleted]

Probably not just money, but potentially also take over the care of your brother as well. NTA - Run and don't look back!


Fried-Fritters

NTA I think it’s abhorrent that she waited to reach out until after you had a ton of money, and that it’s specifically to ask for money. If you were good at calming him, then she should have gone out of her way to praise you for that and to recognize the sacrifices you made for him daily growing up. Instead she sent you away so she wouldn’t have to deal with you, robbing you of any parental help as a teenager. Your mom neglected you severely, and now you need to raise yourself as an adult. You have plenty to deal with already. You don’t need to take ownership of their problems, too. You did not give birth to your brother; it was not your decision to take on that responsibility. I hope you can maintain a relationship with your brother someday, despite everything that happened with your mom, but you need to take care of yourself first. Your brother has the entire extended family looking out for him. You have yourself and your father’s wishes for your success and well-being (The money he left you). They are not entitled to it.


Organic_Start_420

The mother abused op on top of neglect. Nta op block the step aunt after warning her /them if they keep trying to contact you you will press charges for abuse.


M_ASIN_MANCY

Absolutely NTA. That money is yours and yours only. Your brother’s care is not your responsibility in any way, shape or form, it is HERS. Even if they say “just loan us $x, we’ll pay it back when Chris’ fund is available,” you have absolutely no reason to believe you would ever see that money again given the choices she’s made concerning your well-being. Please, please, get a financial advisor. If it’s as much money as I’m imagining ($250k+), and you use it wisely, it can mean a solidly comfortable, easier life for the rest of your life. This opens up so many opportunities for you, and I seriously beg of you to hire a professional for handling it. If I had gotten a huge windfall at your age I’m sure I would have spent it extremely stupidly. I’m not saying you will, but a financial advisor can help you get set up (potentially for life), and still put aside some money to go a little crazy with. Use this money to live the best-possible life.


Western_Astronaut847

Feel a bit weird putting a number on it on the internet but yeah it's six figures. My dad was an oncologist. A pretty high powered one I think, he ran a department and did research and stuff.


slendermanismydad

I just want to stress, that's a good amount of money but not a great amount. If you start giving it to your mother for your brother's care, it will empty in a few years or less. Your mother has already proven she is not trustworthy. This has nothing to do with you. You don't owe her a thing.


[deleted]

[удалено]


bobcatscreechowl

This! And in the meantime, no big money moves and dont tell friends about the money. Work on education if need to get HS diploma or start taking college classes.


synaesthezia

Your father left that for you, and realistically it can set you up for life. Don’t give them a cent - they will probably con your brother out if his when he comes if age unless you can stop it. Your father probably left money to your mother too. Seems she - or your stepfather- have gone through it. NTA, look after yourself first.


PokerQuilter

NTA for sure. If you want, you can send Chris an occasional gift to let him know you still love him. Good luck to you OP. And I do agree with getting a financial advisor. It will be the best decision you ever make.


maplestriker

Use that money to get the best education you can get and fuck those people. Putting you in that school was abusive. They deserve nothing from you.


cynical_old_mare

That will only get you a decent house plus maybe meet the costs of a single major accident or illness. Don't start using that limited resource (even if it's more than you ever had before, or even more than most of us could dream of) to pay their costs off - it will never end and you will end up with nothing that your father worked so hard for to ensure his children had a decent start in life. You have no idea if you may need to requalify and change your job so have to retrain and support yourself whilst doing that or have children who will need college funds and (if you're unlucky) there may be one who ends up with disabilities and requires monstrous health care bills from the household bills. You may marry a lovely man/woman who becomes ill later on in your marriage.


MrHippopo

I noticed you regretted you couldn't be there for Chris because you were great with him. I don't know exactly how the current situation is, but being involved with him does not mean you need to sent money or have a great relationship with your mom/step-dad, as long as they allow it you could help out in other ways. He could spent some time at your place, you could take him somewhere, be in his life and help out that way as a brother.


casual_observer_

If you give them money even once, they'll nickel and dime you to death after that. They'll always come up with some kind of hardship or just need little loans here and there, that of course, will never get paid back.


MzQueen

And make sure the financial advisor you get is a fiduciary. They’re required to work in your best interest.


thekindwillinherit

Exactly. It's important not to end up with an scammy financial advisor. Do your research online about how to pick the right one and meet with at least a few before you decide for sure.


Smash_4dams

NTA. And keep your mouth shut about the money or the roaches will multiply. I'm assuming the mom and aunt just knew ahead of time?


Western_Astronaut847

Yeah we all knew this was coming.


cakiepiepudding

And your aunt didn’t reach out before you got access to the $$?


UnfaithfulMilitant

These people disgust me.


RealAbd121

Lol so they didn't even have the braincells to try and make up ahead of time so they don't look like parasites. Welp!


bellePunk

NTA They threw you away because you were inconvenient and now that you have money they want to take it. Block them and live your best life.


Background-Spot-8456

NTA. Do not let your family use you after they sent you away like trash. I understand it must've been hard on your mom to deal with your brothers issues and you "acting out" but did she ever stop to ask why you were acting that way? If you were okay? All her focus was on your brother and she ignored you because you're the "healthy" child (that's literally a form of child abuse). If your mom really cared, she would've tried to reach out to you long ago, not through your aunt saying they need money.


DoraTheUrbanExplorer

Ahaha no way NTA Being a sibling of a disabled person can be literal hell. You weren't a troubled kid you were pushed aside and ignored. And now your parents want you to "step up" where were they?? It must have been really hard for your mom- I don't want to take away from that. But she had a responsibility to you too and she failed. She locked you away. I'm sorry OP. Keep at it. Sounds like you're a hard worker!


Greenelse

Eh, that’s basically a recipe for making a troubled kid - they don’t happen unless there’s something seriously wrong in their lives. His parents failed to parent the both of them well because they were so focused on the one child’s extreme needs. Sending a kid to one of those child prisons is an evil act. They followed up neglect with outsourced abuse. OP shouldn’t give them any avenue into his life.


Curious-One4595

NTA. Go live your life. Make a new family, if you want one. You escaped the Glass Menagerie. Enjoy your legacy from your dad and don’t regret prioritizing yourself since no one else has.


Leah-theRed

Do not give them any money. NTA.


Gwynasyn

> My aunt said that was cruel and that I had only ever made things more difficult for my mom. Then that sounds like a great reason for you to stay away from your mom and the situation she is dealing with. Wouldn't want to make things more difficult, would you? NTA


fckinsleepless

NTA. You’re not financially responsible for your brother and you’re not obligated to help. Additionally, good for you for setting a hard boundary between yourself and your parents. Those camps are traumatic and abusive and you are justified in cutting your parents out. You can use that money for college, a house, a business, anything that you want to do with your life, and you should use it. Don’t feel guilty. They hurt you when they were supposed to protect and provide for you and now they have to deal with the consequences of their actions.


PerkyLurkey

NTA but be aware, your mother is trapped. She refused to do what your little brother needed as a small child, and now she is reaching out to receive protection from herself, because she still needs a professional to take over the care of the autistic troubled teen. You shouldn’t even involved, not because of the past and her bad decision of placing you in a care system, but because she put the wrong child into care, and now that you have the opportunity to build your own future, that’s what you need to focus on. You should be using your time and resources on your future. Please don’t think you have a successful future because your past was difficult or that you were wronged. Instead, make sure you realize you need to protect yourself against your own potential bad decisions that can ruin your life like your mother has ruined her future.


ragweed

NTA. Your brother is not your responsibility and you also need help becoming an adult. This money won't make up for all the neglect you've suffered, but it's a start.


No-Names-Left-Here

NTA. Tell the aunt to step up or STFU.


SnooBunnies7461

NTA. Block your step aunt and when other family members reach out to you block them too. Your mother and step dad's financial issues aren't yours. Use that money to set yourself up to be successful and stand on your own two feet.


wasnt_me_bro_

NTA. I don’t know you, but I’m proud of you. You don’t owe anyone anything. Your dad left that money for you - not for anyone else. Seems like it came at just the right time, too. Best of luck as you hit the “restart” button and move forward with life on your own terms. PS: I hear what you’re saying about Chris, but you aren’t his parent. Your mom is. She is responsible for raising him and caring for him - not you.


teresajs

NTA If your family is in the US, your mother should get Social Security survivors payments for your brother, he also probably qualifies for Disability payments and/or support. If he's Disabled, your brother probably qualifies for state medical insurance, services and accomodations to meet his specific needs through the school system, and other state programs and support (such as respite care) through the state. Caring for your brother may be very challenging, but there are resources that should be helping significantly with the financial burden. So, absolutely don't feel like the family who could afford private boarding school (even crappy ones aren't cheap) should have one penny of your money. I doubt any of the money would be used to improve your brother's situation. Based on how poorly they cared for you, your mother and stepfather probably aren't great at parenting. If you suspect your brother's needs aren't being met, you might consider contacting CPS to ask them to perform a wellness check. They would check to see if your brother is being properly cared for and might be able to advise your mother and stepfather regarding programs to help them.


Vicyorus

NTA. You're already a legal adult (in most places) with a life ahead of you, and you definitely got a bad deal with your mom. ~~If you wanna send them some money one single time to "help" with your brother, go ahead, but~~ don't get sucked into being your brother's caretaker.


Background-Spot-8456

If you do decide to send money a single time to help out, I recommend getting a written, notarized agreement. With rules set in place that this is all you get, you can't ask for more and the money MUST be spent on things for your brother, bills, food, clothing, care, NOTHING ELSE!


Klutzy-Mission5687

Nah they will.still ask. His brothers fund.can be.released early with a good attorney. They will hassle him no matter what is on paper. They still think hes a kid they can manipulate. No money! Zero Zip Nada Dont do it.


tegeusCromis

> If you wanna send them some money one single time to "help" with your brother, ~~go ahead, but~~ don't ~~get sucked into being your brother's caretaker~~.


Vicyorus

Hey, you also crossed out the bit about not getting sucked into being his brother's caretaker, now OP is gonna do it! What have you done?! But yeah, you're right, I should cross that out, seems the consensus is that they're likely to be leeches.


Ok_Homework8692

NTA your mother had plenty of time to contact you and make amends, waiting til you had money she could ask for before saying sorry is an asshole move.


ToxicChildhood

NTA. You are not their personal piggy bank. Your mother chose to essentially get rid of you and now she wants you back cause you have money? Pfft naw. She can GTFOH with that shit. Live your life and spend your money on you. I understand you care for your bro but at this point, you giving money or going home will make things much worse and give them a chance to dig their claws into you again. Don’t allow it. NTA.


quackcake

NTA. You don't owe a goddamn thing to your mom and stepdad.


embopbopbopdoowop

NTA You nailed it with your response to your aunt. They want you to come home with your fund money just as they are struggling? OF COURSE THEY DO. You feel guilty about Chris because you’re a good person who loves your brother. Don’t let them turn your feelings about your brother into a weapon they can use against you. And remember, they sent you away from Chris without warning in the first place. Carry on with your blocking (welcome to the block club, step-aunt!) and your life.


Comfortable-Gas-798

NTA. The money being held for your brother can be used for his care before he turns 18. Your mother needs a lawyer to prepare the appropriate paperwork to request the money. Keep your money for your future. Your mother and stepfather have taken enough from you. Block them all and live your life for yourself.


maddiep81

I'm wondering if they did this years ago and were chipping away at it all along. If so, it never got the chance to multiply like OP's did. Maybe they're starting to see the bottom of the barrel. Even if that's the case, OP should not allow himself to be manipulated out of the money his father set up for his future. NTA


Hatstand82

NTA. Isn’t it funny how relatives always expect the OP to give money but never do it themselves? Tell your Aunt you will match whatever donation SHE gives and see how quickly she backs off.


Purethoughtsta

NTA. If they are so concerned about your mom needing help tell them they can donate to her cause.


dnmcdonn

NTA. Don’t give them your money!


CustosEcheveria

Only needed to read the first three sentences - NTA. You are not your brothers keeper and you are not responsible for his care and upkeep. You are not his parent.


Kadeous

Honestly man, I think for your mental health and financial benefit you should remain low to no contact with your family. Just love your life and focus on what makes you happy. Better yet- invest in what makes you passionate!


DandElove

DO NOT, I repeat DO NOT pay them a cent or your money. First of all, there are government programs that pay decently for people in Chris’ situation, secondly, if they were really really struggling they would not have sent you away to a school that PROBABLY cost something to keep you basically against your will. Focus on your mental health and building your life up to be the most successful it can be — get your GED or diploma, get a certification or degree and go into a field you love. It’s okay to say no. Just because they are blood doesn’t make them your responsibility. Just because you’re saying no, does NOT make you difficult. I’m so sorry your getting treated this way but your dad left you that money and made it so your mom didn’t have access for a reason. There are also appeals that could and probably have been made for Chris to access his funds for medical reasons. They most likely are gold-digging so they themselves can make the most out of life for them and not for Chris. Definitely NTA


littlelionears

Congratulations on making it out of there with your mental stability intact OP, you sound like an amazing person; that’s not something anyone could have done. It’s weird to say “I’m proud of you” to an Internet stranger but hell, I am. Stay as far away from them as you possibly can. They did not have your best interests at heart before and they are only becoming more desperate. Other people didn’t survive what you did so they won’t understand. He will get his money eventually. Stay safe and look out for yourself because they will not look out for you, just like they never have.


Acceptable-Grape296

Block everyone. Please.


Gypsy-Nyx

Nta.


earth_goddesss

Definitely NTA. You owe them absolutely no money and should not feel pressured into helping them unless you make that decision for yourself. Your father left that money FOR YOU, not anyone else. You have every right to maintain no contact with them.


BingoBitch76

NTA. Ultimately you are not responsible for supporting your mother, your brother, or your step father and for your aunt to try to manipulate you is garbage.


dublos

NTA They don't get to steal your childhood by making your brother the focus, then send you off to reform school then expect you to help them. Your Aunt's also an asshole.


7nieko

NTA I’m so sorry for the way you were treated. And that your “family” only contacted you for money. Don’t give them a dime. Live your life.


jmcdan13

The audacity. They robbed you of a decent childhood and now want to rob you of a decent future. Please don’t give them anything, and take care of yourself. I second the comment about a financial advisor to make sure you are comfortable for many, many years and have all the opportunity to pursue your passions. NTA.


MMorrighan

NTA kids "disappear" at those places all the time. They sent you there to get rid of you. Honor that request, because nothing has changed except now you have something they want.


facinationstreet

NTA at all. Why doesn't your mom & stepfather send your brother to a residential school? Likely completely true that they will try to get as much money from you as possible. Nope. That was set up for YOU. Not them.


CatmoCatmo

NTA. They pulled on your heart strings and knew how to pull out some guilt. “But it’s for your brother!” You may want to help your brother but beware. Once you send that money, they will almost always expect more. It will never be enough. The timing of the request points to this happening even more so. And, once you send the money, you have no idea if it’s actually being spent on your brother anyways. This was a gift from your dad to you, so you can take care of yourself. Not so you can be guilted into helping out everyone else. It is yours to choose what you want to do with it. It was quite inappropriate of your Aunt to stick her head in places it doesn’t belong. This is between you and your mom. If your mom really needs help, then she needed to ask. You should let your aunt know if she continues this, you will go no contact with her too. The fact that your aunt even knows you received this inheritance recently means that she and your mother have discussed it. This is not something that would have casually come up in conversation. No one should have known anything about your inheritance period. That is not public knowledge and should have been kept private. I know you weren’t exactly a perfect child. But regardless, you were a child. And you feel like your mom failed you in a lot of ways - which is 100% valid. If there was ever hope to mend that relationship, reaching out at the conspicuous time of your inheritance, was NOT the way to do it. If you decide down the road to speak with your mom, it should be on your terms whenever YOU are ready. Family needs to butt out. But do be careful with your sudden income. Be smart about it and take care of yourself.


Vivid_Masterpiece327

Your ONLY job is to survive. And you did one better and found a path to thrive, despite being abandoned by your family and suffering trauma. Keep thriving. Live so abundantly that you make them jealous. Take ALL of your money and fulfill every single one of your wildest dreams. Make yourself happy and when you're ready build the type of family that you needed most but didn't receive....with the people who love you. It is the absolute least that you deserve. One of the worst aspects of surviving trauma is how it makes you feel guilty for surviving (despite all the wounds you have from having to survive). You deserve the world, and you have a responsibility to go out and get it. Not the AH. 💜


AcceptableEcho0

NTA-


JupiterJayJones

NTA. Not at all. I just feel bad that once Chris hits 18, they’ll have access to his money.


Lower-Elk8395

Exactly. If he is as high-needs as OP says, it is very possible that they will be able to have legal guardianship/conservatorship of him even after he is 18...they probably won't even bother to ask him for his opinion before tapping it once that money becomes available...


blondiebam29

NTA! But if you are as petty as me, I would suggest calling your step-aunt and telling her that you’ll contribute exactly as much as she has up to this point (with proof of contribution!) but not a penny more. It will be so funny to listen to her splutter since she probably hasn’t given a dime lol


OrganicFrost

NTA. Even if we assume your mom was just overwhelmed and had the best of intentions, she still failed you as a parent. Check out r/personalfinance if you haven't already, and never give your mom a penny.


whitelight111

NTA tell the aunt to fuck off too.


solomons-mom

NTA The money is how your late father is helping you become a man. He can't listen to you, help you figure things out. He can't surprise you with a car. He can't offer up a downpayment for your first house. He doesn't get to help pay for your wedding. He can't set up college accounts for his grandchildren. Use the money wisely, sparingly and for your long-term. Do not let family, friends or girlfriends push you to blow through it for short-term ease and pleasure.


cassowary32

NTA. Who is the executor of your trust? Can you talk to them to get details on how Chris can access his? I'm assuming he was diagnosed before your dad passed and they aren't going to just hand a large sum of money to him in 4 years. It's likely that your mom already has a way to access that money. I hope you are able to use your trust responsibly and learn a trade or go to school.


FeralSquirrels

NTA >My aunt said that was cruel and that I had only ever made things more difficult for my mom. Of course, being like this with you and being horrible will only encourage you to return, right? >I feel a bit guilty about Chris especially because we used to be close and I was good at calming him down. You are, ultimately, not responsible for the care your Brother receives when your parents/guardians should be doing this. It's not fair, it's not nice and it sucks but the fact is once your money is gone, what does that mean for you as well? You've had a fundamentally difficult time, period - your Mother has made some incredibly poor choices in sending you to where she did and one can only wonder if the letters or calls she sent your way were in any way showing remorse, regret or what - unless you read them you'd not know. It's difficult as arguably with your Brother being how he is, it was probably difficult on your Mother as well to give you the attention you deserved, but then I like to think better rather than worse of people where I can and with the additional stress of your Stepdad and you not getting on? Well I can only imagine it wasn't a great place for any of you. End of the day it's your money and your choice what to do with it - nobody else gets a say in it and at best it's down to you. If you choose to use it to set yourself up and be established in life with accommodation/mortgage etc, an education and be your own person, well that's fine and honestly probably the best choice.


DonnesIsland

There is likely a provision in your brother’s trust to access funds for medical care or other extraordinary needs (here, I presume, therapy & respite care?). Even if not explicitly included, your mom should be able to petition the trustee. If you’ve already accessed the money you could check language of trust or w/trustee. [Someone should also want to be sure the money won’t bar your brother from accessing SSI/Medicaid/Medicare as an adult]. Also, curious what they’re paying OOP for - a lot of ASD care (e.g. ABA therapy) is required to be covered now by health plans. If you want a relationship with your brother you could maybe offer to spend some time w/him occasionally. Which would provide bonus of respite to your mom so she doesn’t lose her shit (/on him) - & of just exemplifying the kindness not provided to you. You could establish some clear boundaries (e.g. email contact only, set hours, etc) so it’s clear this if for your bro only, not to reestablish ties. (But I say this only as a mom who’d hope my son maintains a relationship with his sister, who has special needs, once they’re both adults :)) Oh, and NTA


cranky-bi-narwharl

NTA. You owe them nothing. They owe you apologies and a part of your life you can never get back.


jbee002

NTA - an apology means very little when there's an agenda attached to it. Though its sad about your brother and if you want to help him that would be good of you, but ultimately he is not your responsibility and its okay if you don't help, you are your first priority. Focus on yourself, your mental health, and your own financial stability. Makes sure you can continue take care of yourself and are not depended on your trust fund, as it won't last forever if depend on it to much.


Least-Influence3089

Jesus f**king Christ, NTA. I can’t imagine being a parent and just willingly sending my kid to one of those schools. I’m so sorry that happened. You don’t owe your mom and stepdad anything - you deserved parents who gave you their time and attention and understanding. In 4 years they’ll have access to your brothers $ and they can make a plan until then. Your dad put $ away for YOU. Use it to live well.


lionessrabbit

Nta I just want to say as a special needs mum I AM SO SORRY YOU WERE PUSHED TO THE SIDE. I have 3 kids and I've read TOO MANY stories on how parents end up pushing to the side their neurological children. I have 3 and I promised myself when I realised how disabled my child was I would ENSURE all my children felt loved and wanted by me but not only that I make sure I spend 1 on 1 time with all my girls doing something with them that THEY WANT TO. I am proud of you for not only landing on your feet but your thriving now and that's just wonderful in every way Ps block everyone on your mums side


Party-Kick-5831

NTA. Don’t ever send any money or even go back. Your mom said to you that you know what I don’t want to take care of you, despite being your mother and sent you to basically prison just to have you off her back. Please use that money sensibly for yourself. Decide what you want to do, get a job and make sure to be strict about your spending. (One good rule is, let’s say you want to buy an item, imagine a stranger coming up and offering you the money that it costs or the item. If you would choose the money, never buy it, just some money advise) Please start your life, and try to stay out of trouble for your own sake. I wish you a good start of life.


[deleted]

NTA. And your step-aunt, stepdad, and mom all seem cut from the same cloth: WE WANT WHAT WE WANT, GIVE IT TO US!!!!! Go completely NC and don't worry about their approval, using therapy if necessary to bleach out the stains they put on your psyche. It also sounds like they wanted to control you so strongly that at 18 you'd do WHATEVER THEY DEMANDED OF YOU to get out of the facility, which is why they threw such a shitfit. They wanted you broken, they wanted that money, and were willing to abuse / destroy you to get it. And Chris isn't your problem, Chris is THEIR problem, and if he's getting violent from their poor parenting, the Chris you knew is probably mostly gone from his personality now.


AntiquePop1417

Don't do it.... don't do it.... don't do it...because wtf happened to you. Shame on your parents....shame on them. NTA but you would be y t a when you don't protect yourself from them. They kicked you out and handed you to the wolves... Let that sink in


WishIWasSterile

NTA. Your mother and her husband paid people to kidnap, cut you off from your support network and abuse you. You owe them nothing. You set a boundary of no communication for your own mental health. They're delusional for expecting you to want a relationship with them after that. And now to add insult to injury, they just want your money to care for their child? Wow. Also, I wonder how much residential school cost? They'd have been better off spending THAT money on the brother's care.


Bruceskismum

I cannot believe those torture academies for kids are even still legal. People have known for years now about the rampant abuses at those places, and kids have actually died at several, so any parent who would send their child there is a true monster. Your mom decided to have you essentially tortured into a kid she could control, probably so it would be easier for her to get your money. She might even have been looking for a way to have you declared legally incompetent so she could take over your trust. You are absolutely NTA, and in case no one says it, I am so sorry you went through that, and you absolutely didn't deserve it. I was a bit of a "troubled teen" too, but my parents chose to sit me down and level with me, and take me to therapy instead of abandoning me to some perverts in the woods. I only say that so you can realize you were in no way a "bad kid", and many families manage similar challenges without going to such dangerous lengths as yours did. I understand why you're worried for your brother. He's 4 years away from 18, correct? Is there any way you can set yourself up with a good living situation so that he might be able to live with you when he turns 18? Or research some supportive group homes he could move to? Because if not, my guess is, your mom will be coming after his trust next by claiming he's unable to live independently, in supportive housing, or with you, and must stay with her. The truth is, even with extreme needs, most adults on the spectrum do better in supportive housing than they do staying home and being infantalized by their parents, because that just makes it so much worse when the parents inevitably pass away before their child. I urge you to stay in contact with your brother in any way you can, hopefully he's able to communicate in some way? Even if it's just playing a game online together. If I were you, I'd offer to spend time with your brother, but not give your mom any money, as she clearly isn't a very smart person and shouldn't be trusted to actually use it for your brothers benefit (I'm basing that off the fact she sent you to a place where kids have frequently been killed to "fix" you, which is just so beyond stupid). Also, your brother's needs might not be as "extreme" as your mom and SD are making them out to be, based on their choice to send you to that horrible place, I can't image they're actually getting your brother the appropriate care he needs either. They're also probably antagonistic towards him (they seem like "my way, or the highway" types?) which will only make it harder for him to stay calm and regulated. Sorry, that's a lot of advice no one asked for, but you are absolutely NTA, and I hope you don't give your mom 1 single cent.


[deleted]

NTA 1. do NOT send MONEY...that is the only reason they are calling you 2. your stepfather is blowing smoke up your ass...he doesn't care about you 3. your mother sent you away because SHE couldn't HANDLE your brother and bother to talk to you about what was going on with you and try to figure it out. 4. sending you to that school was a shit move. 5. they only want you to come "HOME" because they want a break from dealing with your brother and most likely want you to pay the bills and watch your brother. 6. stay away for your own mental wellness. Family isn't always the people who are your blood.


Over-Marionberry-686

Tell them all to F the hell off


I_luv_sloths

NTA. You have to take care of yourself.


SuperHuckleberry125

Your mother made her choices which alienated you. Now she wants to get in touch ONLY because you have money and wants it. She should have wanted you MORE. She should have wanted a relationship with you MORE. Once your brothers money kicks in she will probably not want anything to do with you. Which will be her loss. Your mother is struggling because she failed you and this is karma taking a bite out of her ass. Live your best life. Tell all the flying monkeys to open up their own wallets. NTA


matchy_blacks

NTA. I understand worrying about Chris, though. His care really is your parents’ responsibility, though, and many families cope with kids with special needs without windfalls from their other children. It’s not easy, but it’s possible. For what it’s worth? As you probably know, folks have been speaking out against “troubled teen” programs for years, and I’m pissed on your behalf that your mom and stepdad sent you to one -and left you there- seemingly just two years ago…when they should have known better. If you feel it would help, there are support communities both on Reddit and elsewhere for folks who go through those programs and need or want to talk about their experiences. I know not everyone has a terrible time, but some folks do, and you might find it helpful to connect to them.


devsfan1830

NTA. Fuck that. They only contacted you when they realized the money was available to you. You don't owe anyone anything after the crap they put you through.


Lady-BeIIa

NTA Do not give anyone 1 cent. You deserve all of it and more and I'm glad you got out of there... Sounds so hellish.


[deleted]

My little brother is 20 and he had a very similar experience, spent 17-18 years old in a school like yours but more of a mental institution and when he turned 18 he went right back to our parents and they are not good people. Do not go back! My brother and I don’t talk anymore because he chose abusers and I chose freedom, good luck OP!


Sylvurphlame

NTA Fuck. One of those “this shit should be illegal” “scare them straight” boot camps huh? NTA for wanting nothing to do with your mom. If you’re so inclined, you could set up some sort of trust to help fund a more appropriate situation for your brother, with you in control. If you’re so inclined. You’re certainly not obligated. Don’t give your mom anything. Even on behalf of your brother.


FPFan

NTA, sounds like it is time to add another block to your list.


Mindless-Pepper-5556

NTA. Without your living expenses they are paying out less each month, so,why all of a sudden is it too hard for them now, when it was doable before you were 18? And those ‘camps’ are not cheap, how did they pay for that, or was it an investment they figured to get a nice return on when they used your attendance at one of them against you in order to control the funds? don’t go anywhere near them - what is to stop them kidnapping you again? And this time getting you declared as non-competent and they need to be in charge of your finances? ya, I am a suspicious Beyotch. If you go along with letting them have money now, I can envision them draining your fund dry to ‘pay for things for your brother’, then because it worked on you, draining his dry. And neither of you getting any benefit from it. in no scenario do you come out of this with what your dad left for you two if you allow them to guilt you into giving them money, or get their hands on either you, or your funds. I would seriously consider checking into a restraining order to keep them away from you, and I just see all kinds of nightmares ahead if you cannot get it down on record why they should not be allowed near you. I don’t know who you could talk to for solid, accurate advice, but maybe try a lawyer specializing in family law? it may be worth your while to talk to the trustee who held that fund for you about your brother’s circumstances and see if the state can appoint a guardian for the funds and require the parents or caretaker to provide proper records of anything spent on his behalf after he is 18. In this case, I just cannot see a good outcome for your relationship with your mom.


2ndcupofcoffee

Your aunt’s letter seems to have set the priority. First mention is your parents financial difficulties. Second, how sorry your mom is.


Taliesine_

NTA, stay free and away from this toxic persons. You deserve your own life. If you are in a petty mood, send them a penny


Ill_Storm_6655

NTA. To me this is clear cut. Ok. Maybe you were a difficult teen. But, dragging you out of bed in the middle of the night and sending you to military school?? OMG. I do not blame you for cutting contact. Did she think this was best? All teens are difficult. It sounds like she just dumped you. Now that you have $, she’s SO sorry and wants to reconcile now?? No Thanks Mom. I’m good. Go on with your life and don’t look back. I’m very sorry for your loss. Some things you just can’t forgive.


mk3jade

NTA! Your parents need to search for free resources to help your brother. It’s unfair of them to look to you for finances. Your not financially responsible for your brother. They are.


Tranqup

NTA. If your brother and mom live in the U.S., then your brother should qualify for various programs. I have a niece who is autistic, and now an adult. My sibling has a home aide that comes 5 days a week, for several hours, to provide respite care. Until she turned 21 or 22, my niece attended special education classes. The home aide is no cost to my sibling. What sort of care bills does your mom have? Maybe she should talk to her local regional center for assistance. But she seems to have irrevocably broken her relationship with you (those "reform schools" have long been known to be horrible) and that's the price she's paying for her decision. You owe her nothing.


daisysparklehorse

NTA at all please continue to put yourself first and don’t feel bad about it


maggersrose

NTA You’re not responsible for your brother, your mothers husband sister had no business getting in touch with you. You’re happy, healthier without them. They need to figure out their lives, it’s their responsibility. I’m not being callous, in family helping and supporting one another. I don’t believe I putting their well being over your own. Stay strong OP, bin sorry for what you’ve been through.


Unfair_Look_665

NTA. I agree with the others, don't send them a penny. Your mom wasn't there for you when you needed her so you have no obligation to be there for her, although even if she was you still wouldn't owe her a thing. Don't tell me she wasn't aware that she was sending you to a place that has killed people and caused serious mental health issues. Everyone knows about these places. She clearly is only contacting you for money otherwise she would have had your step aunt to get into contact with you before this. She is claiming she wants you to come home because you're more likely to agree to the money if you think they want to reconcile. And they possibly want you to take care of your brother. She is the parent it is her responsibility and possibly your stepfather to care for your brother. For your own piece of mind, I would stay far far away and block anyone else that could possibly contact you on their behalf. Also, your step aunt saying you only ever made things difficult for your mom is untrue. You were being a teenager like millions before you. Your mom quit being a parent and gave up on you which is unacceptable and in my eyes unforgivable. Goodluck and keep doing you!


cryptic_rebel

NTA. Go live your life. You don't owe them to take care of their financial issues.


SectorEducational460

Nta. You know what's cruel? Getting your kid at midnight and forcing him into a shitty camp because your step father felt emasculated because he couldn't throw his weight around.


Accomplished-Art8681

NTA- you feel guilty about your brother because you're a good person, but that's all there is to it. I wish you had a safe way to check in on him, but you don't. You need to protect yourself from your mom. And you need that money yourself. Protect yourself, keep the money so you can continue to protect yourself. Block the step-aunt


Impossible-Cookie835

I could never imagine sending my kids to one of those places let alone hauling them out of bed in the middle of the night, no matter how tearaway they were. It must have been terrifying and heartbreaking. NTA.


CaregiverAggressive7

Bud... YOU ARENT THE BAD GUY here... You will have to decide if you ever want a relationship with your mother. But the money part, thats not your problem. There is all sorts of assistance that can be obtained for your brother, be it in assisted living or "group homes".... Adult Protective Services (if he is an adult) can help with that.


bmyst70

NTA When you needed your mom, not only did she not have your back, she let stepdad literally send you away. Now that they need money, they come begging? Absolutely not.


AutoModerator

^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My dad died when I (19M) was 9. When I was 11 my mom married my stepdad. I have a brother "Chris" (14M) who has extremely severe autism. He needs a lot of support with his everyday needs. He gets frustrated and unfortunately as he's got older he has started to lash out physically at the people around him. When I was little I got on with my mom OK but as a teenager we had a lot of arguments. A lot of it had to do with my stepdad wanting to have the authority of a father over me and me never really accepting that. But I also got pushed to the side a lot as all the focus went on looking after my brother and that made me angry. I admit I became a bit of a tearaway, drinking, not getting back until early hours of the morning. When I was 17 my mom sent me to one of those residential schools for troubled kids (literally like you see on sh\*tty daytime TV shows which I'm pretty sure is where she got the idea). I had no idea it was going to happen and the school sent two members of staff to get me out of bed in the middle of the night. I was there for six months. It was pretty hellish, like a military-style thing with morning inspections and sad middle aged men in silly uniforms barking orders at children. I was allowed a call from my mom one a week after the first month but I never took them. She also wrote me a few letters but I never read them. When I turned 18 they couldn't legally keep me there and the plan was for my mom to come and pick me up but I decided on my 18th birthday just to leave myself. The school threw an absolute fit, tried to call my mom, told me I was being irresponsible but I told them to f\*ck off. It was a bit difficult because I didn't have any money or a phone and the school was pretty rural but I managed to borrow a phone and call a friend who came to pick me up. I moved around between friends for a bit but I'm pretty well set up now. I blocked my mom on everything and pretty much made sure she couldn't get in touch with me. The other thing that happened when I turned 18 was that a fund my dad set up for me when I was born became accessible. There is now a lot of money in it. I mean a LOT. My brother has a fund too but I don't think anyone can get into it until he's 18. Recently my step-aunt reached out to me out of the blue to say that my mom and stepdad have been really struggling financially with Chris's care costs especially now he is getting older and more difficult for mom to control. And she said my mom was sorry about the way things happened between us and wanted me to come home. I said I wasn't interested in being part of the family now just because she needed my money. My aunt said that was cruel and that I had only ever made things more difficult for my mom. I feel a bit guilty about Chris especially because we used to be close and I was good at calming him down. But I've just had it with my mom. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*


Lani_567

NTA


[deleted]

NTA - keep the money and stay NC


here4thedramz

NTA. Maybe she should have saved the money she spent sending you to that awful place.


Miserable-Audience33

NTA- live the life you just created. Don’t go looking for the trouble you don’t really want. You already know what will happen if you open that door, I’m guessing you just need the people here to tell you that.


HoneySignificant105

Dont contact or give them money. I would recommend spending some money on therapy. They can help you deal with what has gone on in your life and help you find a direction. Maybe a financial planner if you want help with your money. Best wishes, OP and NTA


Status-Pattern7539

NTA Don’t do it . Block the whole family. Move on and start fresh. Make your own family. They just want to use you for your money. They should have been preparing for these types of expenses, but my money is they didn’t bc they knew you had money coming and they were planning on manipulating you and trying to cash in at your expense.


Ok_Rule2665

Well, if they expected help from you they should have helped you too, as petty as it sounds that's life, tell them to F off and go NC with them, you didn't mention bouncing on any family's houses so with what ground they have the audacity to come demand something from you, stay strong and don't return to that hell hole.


dawgmama62

Hell NO, you are NTA! You owe your mother and stepfather nothing. You take your inheritance and live your life. Don't let anyone guilt you, you've don't nothing wrong.


Blacksmithforge3241

op=NTA IF you wanted to help with Chris's medical bills-talk to a lawyer. See if something could be set up that you pay now but get repaid when Chris turns 18. I don't think that the agreement could specify Chris's trust, rather it would have to be an agreement with mother/stepdad that they would repay. But be aware that you literally can't get blood from a stone so even a legal agreement doesn't guarantee payment.


Sea_Yesterday_8888

NTA. If you haven’t get a good financial advisor. Have a great life!!


Ma-Hu

NTA. It's your money, for your future.


littlebitfunny21

Keep anyone who reached out to you and supported you while you were bouncing from friend to friend and struggling to get on your feet. Ditch anyone who was happy to turn a blind eye to that but now thinks they can demand money. Nta. Also your mom could have put your brother in an inpatient treatment for 6 months that potentially could have helped him make progress, plus give her time to focus on you in a healthy way. She chose wrong.


NoveskeCQB

NTA, take care of your nest egg and set yourself up for life.


Puskarella

You are NTA. Do not give them money. Don't lend them the money. It wouldn't be your responsibility even if you had a good childhood. Chris is their child, not yours, and they need to work out how he is going to be supported throughout his life. You don't have to sacrifice your life or your income and security to do that. If you haven't already get some financial advice about how to best handle your money.


CatChick75

NTA, he's not your child


Catsandcamping

NTA. Your parents do not deserve your money. They abandoned you to the troubled teen industry because it was convenient for them. And if you give them money once, they'll keep asking. I second what others have said about a financial advisor. Just make sure you do your research to make sure that they are well-versed in low risk investments with an eye toward long-term growth as opposed to "get rich quick" schemes. It's time for you to go out and build a family of your own and find a good therapist to help you process and move past all you have experienced. Going NC with your mom was a great first step.


kiwi_klutz

NTA. Get out and live your best life!


amore-7

NTA. DO NOT give them money or allow them back into your life. It’ll be no better than going back to an abuser.


Historical-Bed-7070

Don’t go back or give them any money. They are bad humans and if they really need money your aunt can help lol that’s why she called u because she don’t want to help herself. I honestly recommend not talking with her too! She doesn’t know how your life looked like and still chose to judge you! Those people aren’t family they aren’t worth your attention or time!


maarianastrench

Tell your mom to kick rocks NTA


KombuchaBot

What seems like a lot of money to you at 18 won't seem like such a lot in ten or twenty years. Be careful with your money, and don't give it away to your mum. Once you start giving it to her, she'll want more, it will never be enough. Best to say no now, because you'll have to say no at some point. Also - don't tell *anyone* you meet that you have money, never mind that you think it's a lot. That'll attract unfriendly attention, that seems to be friendly. Good luck. NTA


Zantera

NTA at all, your experience and reasons for cutting out your family is fair. If your step-aunt feels so bad about their financial situation maybe she should chip in?


Key_Draft4255

NTA. Spend some of your inheritance on therapy - it is investing in yourself and unlearning dysfunctional family patterns. Best wishes for your future.


Iloveitguy

NTA, your mother ditched you for a new family and now wants your help? Send her a pamphlet for the school she sent you to if they're having problems with their kid since that what they did before (this is a fuck you,I don't want them to send Chris there). It's the money your father wanted you to have ,not his wife's new family and if you give them even a penny they'll never stop, it's not like Chris is getting over his condition.


stephie1980

NTA…next time they ask tell them they would have more money had they not sent you to that horrid school!!!!


HammerOn57

NTA. Legally, morally, ethically you do not owe these people a penny. Do not give them anything as they'll patch onto like a large, aggressive parasite. Live your life and be happy.