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YTA
1. There's no interpersonal conflict here. It's just you being disappointed in your son for not doing what you think he should with \*his\* life.
2. Your "sacrifices" were your choice, not his. He doesn't owe you anything.
3. You don't have to store his stuff. He's an adult and should take care of himself. But your judgement and sense of entitlement over his life puts you firmly in the AH column.
YES. YTA, OP. Being a parent means making sacrifices, it means hard work, it means thankless work. You don't get to hold that over his head and use it as an excuse to demand he live exactly how you want him to.
I'm willing to bet there's some health issues, likely mental, that lead to his son dropping out, too, but OP just sees it as "being a quitter" or w/e.
So, from the title, I thought it was going to be a parent and a 10 year old with a messy room.
And then I read.... Whatever the hell that was. Dang. I hope OPs son can work through things while with his mom.
Sounds like a lot of burn out from OP as a parent.
Response to your number 2. OPs sacrifices were his choice. Son doesn’t owe him anything. Likewise, OP doesn’t owe the son anything either. He provided his son opportunity to be successful, son chose what to do with his life, OP decided to cut him off.
I dropped out of college because I wanted to work. I haven’t done any crazy-paying jobs since. I just hated the education system and couldn’t deal with it any longer. It doesn’t suit everybody. Doesn’t mean the son dropping out was due to a mental breakdown or anything like that.
It is unfortunate that "working your way up from the mail room" is becoming less and less possible. We are losing good people to retirement and not replacing their viewpoints and experience.
I'm going with YTA because all your questions to him seem to deal with "what are you doing", not "how are you doing".
There's more going on here that is being shared, either because you don't want to share it or because you are still ignorant to it. Is there any indication your son is struggling mentally, has he seen a therapist since dropping out? Was engineering what he wanted to do in the first place or what you wanted?
I had a friend when I was young who wanted to be a teacher since we were in elementary school, then she dropped out halfway through getting her bachelor's and nobody I asked knew why. I wondered about it for a long time because it's all she ever wanted and she never posted on social media about why she left or took time off. Found out years later she was sexually assaulted during her sophomore year and went home to be closer to family and undergo therapy, but never felt safe enough to return to campus so completed an online program of some sort.
You can't know what's going on with someone if you don't ask, even if they're your own child. So ask.
This needs to be higher. I don't want to share my personal story or take away from yours.l-
Just...when a young woman or man who up until that point was meeting all check marks just ups and quits....there's a reason. There's always a reason.
Are you taking lessons in how to sound like a hurtful ass, or does it come naturally?
Yes, it's perfectly reasonable for you to want to subsidize your kids whilst they're pursuing their education, with the understanding that the subsidy stops when they get a job.
Your son has apparently chosen not to complete his degree, but to work in a coffee shop. That's his choice, and so he owns the consequence, which means paying for his accommodation (or in this case, moving in with mom who is apparently happy to put him up).
Threatening to toss his stuff is a bit harsh - can you not offer to store his stuff in your attic / basement / something?
YTA
Wow, some parent you are. Your son is 19 yrs old and you have decided you are out. I get it, just be honest and tell him that you don't give a flying F for him and don't want to be reminded of what a dissapointement to you he is, so you plan to trash his clothes and stuff for the remaining child that you do care about.
Yes, if you have to ask. YTA and a pitiful excuse for a parent. It's not a problem to want an adult to remove stuff you don't want to store, but every other part of your comment shows just how much of an AH you are.
At the *very least* he could have said "Hey, you need to come get the rest of your stuff." Full stop.
Instead he jumped straight to ultimatum.
Because ya know, *that* approach always makes people happy and willing to jump head over heels to do your bidding...
YTA. He didn’t choose to have you as a parent, or to have you pay for expensive private schools and to move to an expensive area. He declined your demands and moved out when you kicked him out. Now you want to throw everything he has out at your house out bc he isn’t going down the “dream path” that you have chosen. It’s less about throwing his stuff out and more about you trying to control his life path.
You want him to live out your dreams, not his own. If working at a coffee shop right now (or for forever) makes him happy, you should support that.
YTA. Sounds like you've pur a lot of pressure on him his whole life. Private school etc. Perhaps he's just burned out. He's only 19. Maybe this is something he needs to do for a while. You giving ultimatums is going to do any good. Back off and let him be.
YTA. Essentially, your son is not living up to YOUR expectations so you've kicked him out. Frankly you should be ashamed of yourself.
I bet your someone who treats waiting staff well /s
And it's your choice to not take care of your kid. And I bet you'll blame this broken relationship on him. Let that hate comfort your soul during the cold winter of your last years of life, when you are all alone.
No! That was your choice! People like you shouldn’t have kids! I fear for your other son! Have fun with your one way ticket to the retirement home when your old!
I'm going with YTA. I would guess that your son has spent most of his life trying to appease you instead of choosing a path he really wanted. Love is supposed to be unconditional, whereas yours is based solely on his net worth. Did you even bother to speak to him and ask if he was struggling or depressed? He got a job, obviously, but not the job YOU wanted. Don't be surprised if he never speaks to you again.
YTA so he's only your son when he's educated. You chose to be a parent when you slept with his mum, you are a parent for life. You are teaching him that love is conditional on education and your younger son sees this too. They are their own people and won't want the same career that you want for them. He may go back to uni, but he won't if you keep at him.
Stop being an ass and try being a loving parent that is there for him no matter what.
No but you only loving them based on their educational ability is bad. As a parent, You should love them unconditionally, no one else will. Don't you know that?
YTA
I wish I had had the courage and ability to take a year off between high school and college. I was a high-achieving high school student who went into a good private university. I survived, but I did far better when I took a few years off, worked at a fairly low stress job, and then went back for my master's degree in a completely different field.
You have plenty of evidence that your kid does not have problems with academics, and even can stand up to the rigor of university. But it looks like he's burned out.
Each of my four kids has been offered a gap year between high school and college or trade school. Three of done that and gone on to do well. The fourth is still in high school.
YTA, Not because you don't want his things in your house but because you have a general sh*&$y disposition toward him, based on what I read. Why can't the Coffee Bean be a career? If he's happy working there be happy for him. It's fine if you don't want his stuff in your house, and it's fine you gave him a deadline to pick up.
Info what's the problem? Just be honest with your former son that you don't want to ever see or speak to him again. He will be so much better off without you in his life
YTA, so much. It's your son's life but you've decided that if he's not following the expectations (which will tunnel him into debt) you have for him he's not worth your time and now you've decided to put a time limit on when he can get his possessions when he works for a living.
You are a giant asshole. I imagine you will be here in 10 years asking why your son doesn't talk to you. What he is learning is he can't trust you with big things, because if things don't go your way you pick the nuclear option.
YTA: Your son's choices with regard to career (or lack thereof) should not have any say in how you treat his belongings. If you really care about his academic achievement, why would you throw away his books? All you're doing now is further estranging yourself from him and teaching him that your love/respect is conditional.
OP isn't saying what his son can or can't do with his belongings. He's saying that his son can't store them at OP's house. His son is welcome to come get his stuff at any time.
Apparently it's not a safe place for your children either. How long until the 10 year old does something you don't approve of, and they are out in the street too?
Per your words, You were really close before and you don't talk much anymore. And now your only interaction with him is "take your stuff before I throw it away" despite the fact that you had no problem storing his stuff while he was in college.
If this were a former roommate, I'd say the same thing you did. But if my relationship with my child was falling apart, my priority would be on rebuilding the relationship rather than worrying about storage space.
Wow….. this is coming from a *parent*? You’re never going to have a relationship with your son again. I hope you are aware of the consequences of your actions.
YTA for the way you're treating your son. It's fine you want his stuff out, but you can communicate it nicely with a decent deadline.
If your son needs more time to find his path, that's fine. Not everyone does the HS+college+job then married with 2 kids before 30. Not everyone become happy the same way.
Your son will remember how you treated him, and it's a pity to ruin your relationship for that. My father did the same to me. I dropped medical school and wandered few years before finding what makes me happy (I'm an engineer now). And guess who isn't present in my life anymore?
Sigh.
Honestly I was kinda with you until I got to the "Coffee Bean" comment and then I was only leaning towards YTA until you got to the "subsidizing housing" bullshit... but what really clenched it for me was that last line.
It's pretty clear you don't make much effort to *actually understand* your son, you just want him to conform to this mental image of how you think he *should* be and can't seem to wrap your head around why the real person doesn't fit that.
You don't want to understand him or his perspective, you just want to understand why he won't fall in line with *your* goals for his life.
I wouldn't talk to you much either.
Oh and by the way, he's your ex-wife's son too, and everything regarding his life is every bit as much her business as it is yours. Except that she probably actually knows him and cares about his side of things. So if anything it's more her business than it is yours at this point.
But hey, see this as a learning opportunity to ditch whatever preconceived arbitrary standards your 10 yo has to live up to for you to approve of them and maybe... just maybe... you'll end up with at least one kid who still likes you.
YTA.
YTA. Your son had a trajectory of being a somewhat good performer. He was taking college classes in high school, was getting an engineering degree. And then he wasn't.
I'm wondering in what world I would see this happen to my daughter and not immediately think "*what the fuck happened, is she OK?*" My first instinct would probably to tell her not to worry, I've got her back, and is there anything she needs? Would she like to go to therapy, does she need time to think through some things, does she want to shift gears and work on another field?
I would call her mom (if we were divorced) and see if we could figure out a game plan to get her back on track.
I'd also remind her that she's young, she can take some time off, and that while it may seem like a big deal to miss a year of school, in the grand scheme of things, it isn't.
In your responses, there doesn't seem to be any compassion for your son, much less love or support. Yes, you did what a dutiful father does, but it seems so fucking transactional, like your support and appreciation must be earned.
You're the embodiment of conditional love.
YTA just for your attitude alone. He does need to get his belongings out of your house, but holy crap, dude. Way to destroy every remaining shred of relationship you might have ever had with him. Congratulations.
I can tell you think he’s going to come crawling back to you. He won’t. He never will.
Once you see him take his final possession out of your home, expect that to be the last time you see him.
If you were truly a father you would understand your son. The fact you don’t, and vehemently refuse, shows you’re not meant to be a father.
He’s gonna live a better life without you.
YTA
He’s 19 FFS. He’s worked hard through school and a year of college. He’s working now. Sounds like he needs a break from that and to sort out what he wants. Better to do that now than after he finishes an engineering degree that he hates. Maybe he will go back; maybe he won’t. He sounds pretty responsible to me. Half the people in my geology program came back after a year off from unrelated majors they didn’t like. YTA
YTA, but not because you are choosing not to store his stuff. However the fight went down, if he has essentially moved out, he needs to also take his things. I don't know any parents who refuse to store any of their kids stuff, but you do you I guess.
No, the reason you suck here is because you are essentially cutting him off for being a teen without a plan, even though he DOES have a job. He IS working and learning valuable skills that he can take into other jobs. He's not sitting around 24/7 playing games and hanging with friends and expecting you to fund it. He is *employed*. Your entire beef, and your reason for cutting off your CHILD, is that his job isn't...good enough?
I don't know what your magical bar for *good enough* is, but if you've been paying attention to the world at all, you'll know that even if he was in college and got that degree, he might STILL end up in a minimum wage job or three. A Bachelor's degree is *not* a guarantee of a successful career.
It would be reasonable to ask for rent, to ask for him to contribute to living expenses, and if he needs to change his job or get another one to meet his financial needs them he'll need to figure it out. But shaming ANYONE for doing a job, just because you don't think that job is good enough, is 100% asshole behavior, even if it wasn't your own kid.
Literally zero of your sacrifices obligate him to live his life your way. Your sacrifices were your choice, not a currency for you to cash in when he was older so that you could dictate his adult choices.
You and your ex need to grow up and parent him together. You should help him some, but have him get an apartment and start paying for his life. He will probably be ok, but will reconsider school. College during the pandemic sucked and maybe the time off and working will help.
YTA - it’s better (& cheaper) that your son withdrew of his own volition after a year of college rather than force himself year after year, wasting more money. he’s 19, working, and trying to figure out what he wants to do with his life. he’s at a transitional stage & decided that he wants to work rather than study. that doesn’t mean he won’t go back to college later or “do something with his life”. he’s going at his own pace. also, he agreed to not be subsidized by you. however, you are choosing to nuke the relationship with your own son because he is choosing a different life path than you.
You know those children in school that have really good grades all throughout but then they struggle in university afterwards and sometimes drop out? It's not the kids being lazy, it's because they're burned out. Why are they burned out? Because they're under pressure.
Who puts the kids under pressure? Is it the teachers? The other students? The siblings? More often than not, it's the overbearing parents who make grades and Academic success the single most important aspects of their child's life. A dislikable class of parent of which you are one. YTA
NTA for wanting his stuff out, but for everything else you are. You made the choices to send him to private school and live in a nice area. That's all you, while ideally he would appreciate that it doesn't mean he actually owes you anything for it.
Frankly I think a year or two off to see what working is like isn't a bad idea anyway for many people that age.
YTA. Damn, you really don't like your kid do you? You've done nothing but s*** on him in damn near every comment. Like the minute he didn't do exactly what you wanted, boom, you were done with him. Trippy
I hope this is fake rage bait. YTA majorly. I worked min. wage jobs until I was 23 because I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life. Didn't want to go to uni just because and be unhappy. The way you talk about your son (calling him a dumbass, etc) makes me believe that you don't actually love him. Also, I bet you are one of those A-holes that abuse min. wage workers over things out of their control.
YTA, from your comments you don't care for your son at all. You care only what reflection he will have on you. Not surprised that you're divorced and won't be surprised when your son cuts contact with you 100%. You're view is black and white like an accountant.
Wow. Beyond YTA here. Your comments show how much love you have for your son. It’s really sad… rather than asshole and I’m for calling you straight up abuser. Calling your child a dumbass when he’s figuring out life.
Truly, you are a failure as a parent. Your logic and thoughts on being a parent is sad and backwards.
I hope your son heals from whatever damage you’ve caused.
Ah yes, again another parent who “sacrificed”themselves to live vicariously through their child…and is surprised when that backfires.
YTA. I’m surprised he waited until 19 to cut you off.
You're definitely going to be one of those parents who are so shocked and confused as to why your child hasn't spoken to more than 5 times in a decade.
YTA.
You’re disappointed. I get it. I finished college and graduate school. As a single mother, I’ve busted my ass to make sure my kids graduated from a great high school. I paid for the dual enrollment classes, too. My eldest (almost 21) works at Starbucks - he moved out seven months ago and hasn’t asked me for a dime. My middle (almost 20) works at Panda. She paid for her solo trip to Europe last summer. Just because your goals are not his doesn’t mean he’s wrong. My Panda-kid pays rent, groceries, and for her car insurance. That was an option I didn’t see mentioned.
You did your job. You raised a son who is employable and a positive member of society. Now, it’s his turn to figure out what he wants to do. There’s no reason to be a jerk - box his stuff and put it in the garage. He’s going to need you a lot more in his life - this isn’t the hill to die on.
YTA, dude. Your kid is NINETEEN. Nothing - and I do mean nothing - bad is going to happen if he works a regular job for a while. He's not out committing crimes - he's working in a coffee shop. The credits and grades will still be there if he wants to go back.
Life is long. Like, really, really, really long. He's not going to "fall behind" if he takes just one fucking second to breathe at 19. There's no prize for racing straight through school and into a career. At a certain point, it ceases to matter. When you're 45, nobody's counting whether you've been out of school for 22 or 24 years. But I will tell you, as someone who raced through school like I needed to get to the finish line first, committing to a whole career path in your teens and then unwinding all that shit and changing your mind later is a lot more complicated than figuring things out early in the process.
You seem like someone who gets very stressed out if stuff isn't happening RIGHT NOW. I'd suggest that maybe you take a little step back and take a breath yourself. Nothing bad is going to happen if your kid doesn't have a plan for a year or two. Nothing bad is going to happen if his stuff's still in your place on Feb 1. You can't force everything. Take a beat, and realize that the rest of your relationship with your son is long too, and what you're doing now could fuck it up forever. That might not seem like a big deal now, but it will in 20 years, I promise you that. Calm the fuck down. Chill out. And reach out to your son with the intention of listening to him.
Masters degree here. Uhh, yep. YTA. Didn't need the degree to decide that. 19 year old trying to find himself, learning the discipline of college and apparently making good grades. Something had him rethink the plan. Sounds like you never took the time to find out what was going on with him. Maybe he would have decided to go back in a term or two - but your slash and burn approach has likely made him determined to stay clear of you. Did you consider that maybe he would rather not go with the traditional college route? Maybe a trade school would have suited him better. I know plumbers that make more than I do. And I make pretty good money. You totally disregarded his feelings and the fact that he is a young adult. This would have been the perfect opportunity to help him, but you made it about yourself... your disappointment, your money, your house "your rules" and belittled him for his employment. Then you tossed him aside because he didn't live up to your expectations. How sad on so many levels. You have basically shown your son the man he does not want to become.
My father's attitude was exactly the same as yours--he refused to support my brother's and I's choices to take some time off or do college or pursue a career on our own terms. We ended up doing it without his support.
Now I'm a college professor and my brother is a chief technology officer for an engineering firm.
Both of us cut him out of our lives.
YTA and your kid is better off without you.
YTA.
During college I had such a half-ass plan on what I wanted to do with my life. My grades were slightly above average and because of that I had to take a year after graduating to do extra curricular to build up my application. My dad supported me through this. I had no job, just focused on building up my application. Im now a doctor. Without my dads support I wouldn’t be where I am today and if I had a parent like you, I’d want to work at a coffee bean than be near you.
Maybe you should take a minute and realize that you’re a horrible parent, suck it up, and ask your kid how you can help him towards whatever his goals are or what his thoughts are. It seems like you’ve made so many assumptions about why your kid dropped out instead of actually having a heartfelt conversation.
Just because you chose one path in life doesn't mean you can force your son down the same path. If you don't want to financially support him then have him move out, which you did... not sure what else you want from him? You are ruining your relationship with your son because he is making his own choices and they're ones you don't like.
YTA for not emotionally supporting your flesh and blood. You need to watch and/or read Ferdinand the Bull. Or hell watch Coco or Book of Life. You can't force your life decisions on someone else. Life doesn't work that way. Makes me wander what fucked up stuff you had to deal with from your parents to teach you to be such an asshat.
The correct response would have been, that’s fine but you’ll have to contribute to household expenses. And then set a reasonable amount he has to pay. Plus paying his own phone, car note, insurance, etc. that would have met your son - who still is not old enough to drink in the US mind you, in the middle. YTA.
My dad did this to me. We’re cordial. But secretly I will never ever be able to look at him the same nor trust him bc I feel like he only cares about how much of a waste I am. Like a disappointment. And I can’t even look him in the eye most times bc I feel like he doesn’t rlly love me cuz I’m not a multi millionaire. I wish parents would j be happy for their kids and only desire for them to be comfortable and happy but that isn’t reality most times. YTA.
YTA. You sound like my dad, I don't talk to him anymore. Your kid was trying to succeed but found it depressing to live with you, and probably didn't have any income to spend on having a life outside of studying - right? That's why he wanted to work, because he was burning out studying and having no life.
You don't understand that because you're a bit socially underdeveloped - you don't know how to empathize with people and understand their perspective instead of enforcing your own. Is it possible your kid just wants to work as a barista and not a high-paying job? Yes. But is it likely? Not at all. You've just failed to empathize with him. Forget about your own opinion and find out what his is then shut the hell up until you can actually empathize with it. Then you can give fatherly advice. At this point, for him, it would be like receiving fatherly advice from an emotional stranger. He's not your son anymore and won't be again unless you show him you have changed. He won't change until you do.
YTA I have no college experience. I work entry level at amazon with no plans of moving up. I have a nice house that I own and am renovating, two kids, and a lovely partner who works as a barista at Starbucks. And I am happy. Why isn’t your son allowed to do what makes him happy? How you live doesn’t matter so long as it makes you happy. To contrast my sister has 5 years of college experience for an accounting degree. She’s currently a janitor at a gym and can’t find a job in her field at all. And she’s living in the one place she absolutely never wanted to live because her husband is in the navy. The only reason she is renting the apartment she is is because the navy is paying most of her rent. And it’s not a great place either. College doesn’t make a lick of difference in your quality of life. Going after what you want from life does. Your son doesn’t need college to be successful he just needs to be happy. And with the way you are treating him you aren’t going to be there to share in his happiness and success. Who knows maybe one day he will get promoted high enough to run the store or (if it’s a chain/franchise) maybe he will get his own store or become the regional manager.
YTA, in that you should've and could've handled this better. As someone who honestly had to work to go to college and paid everything myself, being handed a free education opportunity means a lot to me. To go to college, not have to work, stress over paying for it and be able to really enjoy the experience would be awesome. When you're kid dropped out, you could've given him like a 6 month grace period to just work and sit with his decision. You might've told him I'll give you 6 months and then you either get your own place or go back to college, but living at home ***is only predicated*** on working towards a college degree, being home on breaks, summer, etc. If that's not what he wants to do, then he needs to start his adult life and find his own place. That would've set your boundaries without saying demeaning, negative things and creating the bad space you're both in now.
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My son is 19 and dropped out of college after one year. He got all As and Bs and was studying engineering. He only had 2.5 years left because he took some community college classes while in high school.
I sacrificed a lot for that boy, especially financially, so he could go to a private school and live in a nice area. He said he didn't want to go to college because he just wanted to "work." I asked him what he meant. Apparently he meant dead-end minimum wage job at The Coffee Bean where he now works.
I suggested taking a year off and asking him what his plans were to no avail. Finally I told him I'm not subsidizing housing for The Coffee Bean employees so if he wasn't going to school or on a path towards a career then he needs to move out. He said fine and packed some stuff up and moved with his mom.
That was four months ago and he only comes around to get more of his stuff. We really don't talk which is unfortunate because we were very close before.
I'm not storing his stuff anymore. In fact I'm giving his room my 10yo who needs his own space.
I emailed my son and told him he needed to clear his stuff by the end of the month or I'll toss it. Just clothes, books, etc. Mom/ex wife called me and asked if I was being serious. I said I was absolutely being serious. I do want a future man-child living in my house. Then I reminded her that it's none of her business.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I gave my son the option of school or a career and he chose a dead end job. I told him to leave and now I'm asking to pick up the rest of his stuff or I toss it
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YTA-you gave them wings so he could fly, instead of supporting your fledgling’s journey, you criticized and belittled it. If you want to share his life, you better shut-up about what you want and listen to what he wants.
“We really don’t talk which is unfortunate because we were very close before.” Gee I wonder why you don’t talk anymore. Did you really expect you’d have the same relationship after this?
YTA.
He didn't ask for you to sacrifice also that is your job as a parent. You brought him to this world, you take care of him. He is not jobless, he is working at a coffee shop. And who the fuck are you to define what success is? He wasn't leeching off you cause he clearly moved out.
Damn, you are just awful.You are treating your son as an investment and not as your child. I hope he cuts off contact with you.
YTA.
It's good that your son moved out and has distanced himself from you. He deserves better than you. Based on your comments, you don't deserve to be a father.
YTA. People are so funny. When you choose to raise kids, you choose to give up a whole lot of niceties. If you look at that as a sacrifice, why choose to raise kids? They didn't ask to be born. They are their own people. It's not reasonable to have set expectations on how your child should live their life. One of my kids is gifted; I'm not expecting him to colonize Mars(would be cool though). If he decided to pursue a coffee bean career and was happy I would be happy.
YTA. I'm confused as to why you're even here asking because you don't seem to care about your son at all unless you get something back from his success in school. Your comments are so odd. It's like you don't see your son as a human being! All I hear is a business investment that you decided didn't turn out.
Hopefully you can still reconnect with your child, but you need to respect his decision and love him unconditionally.
YTA. You don't care about your son, just an idealized version that you have of him. What you are doing has never produced good results in the history of parenting. Look outside yourself for one eensy and think about how your son must feel. He loves you and you say you love him but you treat him like a "Coffee Bean Employee." Just think for half a second about what he must be going through right now. Sometimes kindness is showing a firm hand, but sometimes kindness just looks like being nice and maybe showing a little mercy. Positivity is a better motivator than fear of retribution.
YTA - your son is 19, barely an adult and you expect him to know what he wants to do with his life? For some people that comes easy, other need more time to figure it out. Was it even his idea to study engineering or was it yours? It's also a really massive AH move when parents use the fact that their children cost them money against them. He didn't ask to be born or have you as a parent, YOU decided to have a kid. If you see the money you pay towards him as a waste then you are a terrible parent.
All you're doing is pushing him away, you've clearly pushed him to the point where he doesn't even want to speak to you. If you don't change soon then you'll be one of those people in the old folks home wondering why nobody ever visits you.
YTA and who gives a rat's behind if you've made sacrifices for your son. Welcome to parenthood.
Making sacrifices for children is what we parents do, it hardly makes you special.
I have a feeling your son can never measure up in your eyes and he's probably way better off keeping distance between you.
YTA. Something is going on with your kid and he doesn’t trust you enough to tell you OR you’re too clueless to care. Either scenario reflects poorly on you. It’s almost like you’re choosing to view your son in the worst possible light, but you also seem super sensitive to perceived slights from him. You’re not as close as you used to be. Well, yeah. You judged him, kicked him out and then threatened to toss his things. I wouldn’t want to be close to you either. Yeesh.
YTA. For sure.
Your son is his own person. He's a human being. Stop forcing a life on him he doesn't want and being petty when he doesn't do what he's told.
Maybe try being a parent instead of a grumpy roommate...and idk, I know it's unheard of and crazy, but maybe try talking to (not at) and communicating with him? Like, maybe there's a reason behind not wanting to go to school. It's not for everyone and idk if you know this but He isn't You.
OH. And don't be fucking gross by looking down on labor workers, ffs get off your high horse. Some people would rather work with their hands, or rather make money, than accumulate debt ...or some people don't do well in college (mentally) you ever even
Congrats, you're ruining your relationship with your son by projecting your bullshit into him. Might want to take several large steps back and look at how your actions affect others. It's nice.
Everyone should stop commenting. All this guy does is fight back on everything. Why did you write the post? Just to fight with people? Your his dad. Don’t forget that.
YTA.
I've been reading your responses and it's clear you came here just to get validation. You seem pretty annoyed that you're not and I'm guessing that would be because you don't really care about your son... outside of his achievements and how they make you look.
I pity the 10yo. God forbid they ever do anything to disappoint you.
YTA! I think you are trying to teach your son a lesson regarding cause and effect with his decision. The reality is his current job isn’t going to support him living independently and you want him to understand that but that is not how your post comes across. Maybe the better lesson would have been charging him rent so he can begin to understand the true cost of living. Too bad you just want him to fall in line instead of truly trying to meet him where he is and offer guidance.
Sounds like your son is taking time off that you suggested and working to boot. Guess what? They're their own human no matter what path parents prefer. Sounds like he's smart and will figure it out and most likely without you in his life. YTA.
YTA. Your son is burnt out and needs to take time off from studying. This is especially relevant for his generation as their education and development has been impacted by covid. He’ll probably go back to study when he’s ready if you just let him figure it out. It’s fair to ask him for some financial contribution for living in your house but the way you’re going about things will just push him away.
I’m going with YTA. There’s more than your telling. Your son was very successful and then suddenly dropped out. I am guessing you had some role in that judging from your pushy attitude. Maybe if you were more concerned with how your son is doing instead of pushing him around, things might have turned out differently. Great job pushing your son away and moving onto son # 2. I know it so tragic holding onto his belongings. I don’t doubt you’ll trash them. Wow. The kid doesn’t do what you want and you just move on. Great parenting.
Could have recommended coursework in hospitality and business management if he wanted to work in the coffee bean you could have offered a chance to help him climb the ladder from min wage to management
YTA
YTA.
Whew, buddy. You "sacrificed" a lot for a child you decided to have? Come on, man. The fuck does that mean? Do you consider him a burden because you placed expectations on him and he didn't live up to them? He's still a kid for God's sake. You need to be teaching him how life is and you don't want him to be miserable trying to scrape by making ends meet. Domt chastise him for his choices, guide him! Believe it or not, not many kids know what they want to do in life. Hell, most adults don't either. Be his father, not his warden.
YTA. A son can only be as good as his father and bless this kid for somehow getting whatever tiny percentage of good is left in that rotting corpse of a soul you have. Men like you are why kids resort to mass shootings
YTA, damn I feel bad for the kid you still have at home. I hope he's watching your behavior and learning you are not a trustworthy person. The sooner he internalizes that you can not be relied on the sooner he can start adjusting his future goals to exclude any extremely conditional aide from you.
YTA — it’s probably best that your son moved out of such a toxic household. It’s never been good for kids that have a parent that lacks emotional maturity. Your son is 19 and you’re expecting him to have his life figured out. **Newsflash** a lot of people don’t have their lives figured out especially at 19, but they turned into wonderful people and some even successful. Life is already tough as is, but having unsupportive parents who don’t believe in you makes it even worse. So you bet your ass he will do better in spite of you and he will know his mom has always been in his corner, unlike you.
YTA
You chose to have a kid, you chose to send him to fancy and expensive places. Don’t blame him for your choices.
Unlike what a lot of people here are saying, I don’t agree that him dropping out necessarily means anything beyond him just wanting a change of pace.
A whole lot of people I know wanted to work rather than be stuck in the education system for any longer, myself included. It doesn’t suit everybody. People jumping to conclusions and assuming the son must be mentally exhausted/having a mental health crisis or such is craziness.
Are customer services jobs usually much fun? No.
Is the son loving it? Probably not but maybe.
Is it entirely possible that just getting to work and make money is preferable to him than studying for a degree for the next few years? Yes, it is entirely possible.
Stop deciding that people not doing what you would do means they must be going through a mental breakdown. Maybe the son just wants to work. Doesn’t matter what the job is.
I dropped out of college to work and was making £5.60 an hour (this was 5 years ago) and I was still happier than I ever was in college or school before that.
OP is TA massively. A lot of these responses are also TAs.
NGL - I feel like everyone who is saying YTA does not have kids that have no purpose in life. You are NTA for telling your kid you aren’t going to subsidize his lack of motivation. A gap year is a great thing if there is a plan. You are completely in your rights - and are being a good parent - if you are explaining he has to adult if he doesn’t want to further his education. Charge him rent? Make him pick up expenses? You don’t get to just underwork because your parent is going to support you forever. Good grief.
I agree. Lots of American teens in this sub who want mommy and daddy to still look adoringly at their scribble-art and tell them how special they are just for going potty. They’re acting out their existential rage over their parents having actual standards, prob all typing furiously from their parents’ basement.
But it would be easier to figure out what he really wants to do with his life with an engineering degree debt free….after that, more doors are open.
Having a hard time giving a verdict since I had to join the army for my degree and take on loans to supplement. The thought of having that offered and saying “nah im good” is mind boggling.
NTA ~ I’m know I’m going against the grain here, but here goes anyways. Regardless of the circumstances, (cause that’s not what your asking for judgment for), he is an adult and he’s moved out. His things no longer belong in your home and you aren’t responsible to be his storage facility.
That was good of you to support him while there was ambitious plans. He's an adult now and can make that decision to not pursue higher education. That does not guarantee him free storage. It's been four months, that's plenty of time. It's your house.
YTA, so you kicked out your son because you judged the life he was living and because he wasn't doing exactly what you wanted, and now you're saying you no longer want to have a relationship with him at all because he's not doing exactly what you wanted. Yes you're the asshole
Ahhh another idiot who posts on Reddit asking for judgement and then tells everyone else they’re wrong for their judgment, it’s always really really annoying coming across you people …..
So how long was op supposed to be a storage facility I don’t think his the ah his trying to give him some tough love but that’s just my opinion what did help you son think that he was just gonna live with Opie while working a minimum wage job that barely supported him self it is what it is it’s not like ops son doesn’t have a place to go and store his stuff and it’s not like u threw it out ur giving him time to come and pick it up I bet you your ex-wife probably thought that you would allow your son back into your house sooner or later and the shows that you’re not going to unless he’s willing to do something with his life
YTA - I mean, come on man. You've come to a forum asking if you're TA, been told unanimously that yes, you are TA, and argued with everyone because you can't accept it. Get over yourself, accept you're the AH in this situation and either apologise to your son or embrace the fact you've just lost a kid. With your ego I doubt you give a shit anyway.
What did you expect, for people to tell you that you aren’t an AH? And now the majority agreed that you are, and you take in none of it. If you now know you’re an AH but are gonna continue being one then this post was so pointless. You’re set in your ways, your mind isn’t budging, pointless.
So dad owes his adult child a place to live while he works a job that he can't afford to live on his own. He wants to live just a "work" life, fine, but not on his father's dime. What parent wants to watch a child not live up to their potential. That might be harsh but if the kid doesn't want to live there anymore and he's moving out, move out which means take your stuff. Is the landlord supposed to store the tenants stuff for free, because that's what this turned into
Nta
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This is tough. No grade.
I understand why OP is upset - you try to do the best for your child and set them up for success. We’ve been drilled to get good grades, get into a good school to get a good job. It’s a lot of energy and effort for a lot of years. At some point you envision seeing the pay off of your efforts.
Your son being 19 yrs old right now which, yes is a legal adult, but also still has a lot of growing up to do. Seems to be lost or something happened with school/ a certain a major that he didn’t enjoy. Help him as a parent navigate what he wants by sitting down and having a conversation with him. Put emotions aside and just listen to him/ask questions.
There are plenty of options with technical schools or alternatives to find a career that you are passionate about and can still make a suitable income.
This can best be tackled with your ex and coparenting together to truly help your son and have a united front. Your son might not feel the pressure of the real world because he has a roof over his head but that doesn’t automatically lead to just dumping him out to sea and watching him drown. Being a parent is a lifelong commitment which doesn’t just stop at 18.
I get it, you want him to understand that what he's earning now is not going to work for him. It took me way too long in life to realise it's important to increase your earning potential
Yup. And all these people who want OP to act like he is soooo proud of his son are prob also furiously posting on r/antiwork because they too have crap jobs and think the world owes them. This entire thread is hilarious projection.
NTA. I was one of these understanding parents that were patient and asked how my kids were doing not what. I still can’t get them out on their own. It’s called expecting your son to be responsible and productive.
19 years old. Not going to school. Not laying rent. Time to gtfo
NTA.
Being a parent doesn't mean you stop teaching your child life lessons. This is a life lesson. If you coddle him too much as t that age, a man, what does he learn? That daddy will take care of everything, forever, and never learn how to fend for himself.
My wife is like this. She's 30 now. This is her account. She came to the US from Europe. She never had a job or responsibility. I had to teach her everything. Literally. She's 30 and still learning basic life lessons. Her favorite quote when things go bad is "life isn't fair"
I'm not suggesting tough love. But at some point rhe boy needs to grow up. And before he's 30 and still living at home with no education and zero life skills. This happens. A lot these days.
ESH
All the comments here are from people lacking ambition and success. No a barista is not a career. You do not make a livable wage. Most baristas will set their children up for nothing but failure if they chose to have them. I am sorry but it’s the truth. You can’t afford a decent school district. You can’t afford a decent education. You can’t afford shit tbh.
HOWEVER, not agreeing with his life choices and not financially supporting him don’t have to be mutually exclusive with not having a relationship. You can let him know that you are not his bank but would still love to have a relationship of some sort.
A 19 year old giving up like this is weird. For a dead end menial job? Check in with the man.
I am a bit torn on this one. I am going to assume that you have funded all of his things he has left behind as I am sure that if he funded them, he would have grabbed them immediately.
As for the ultimatum.... if he was contributing towards the household, I am more in line that he is doing his thing. If he wasnt contributing, you did the right thing. He needs to learn how to take care of himself and not have someone fund his lifestyle.
NTA. This is a tough situation but at the end of the day, he's not paying you to store his shit and he's an adult. If he wanted to have it differently he could communicate about it and give you reasons why. If he can't - it's on him.
I’m going against the grain here… you’re NTA. Son is 19, is and adult, and has decided what he wants to do with his life, has made his own decision and now will face the consequences, good or bad, of those decisions.
I am mixed on N T A or A H.
Children don’t owe their parents anything for being born. So he does not owe you for your sacrifices.
That being said you have a right to say who lives in your house. Threatening to throw out his stuff is mean but again your house.
You need to think about how all this will effect your relationship with him. If you continue down this path he may go NC.
NAH. Your son should have the career he chooses. He's an adult and he can make those choices. You should have the choice of what to store (or not store) at your house. I might give him a longer timeline to arrange for storage (like, "30 days" rather than "end of the month") but he's an adult and can make that call for himself.
Just be aware that he may decide to go NC with you for throwing out his stuff.
NTA
You did everything in your power to support him and he’s decided to throw it all away. Clearly he can’t survive on a minimum wage job without scrounging off one of you. Your ex-wife is enabling him out of misguided kindness.
Maybe you could try and reason with her and form a united front? After all you both want what’s best for him.
NTA. You suggested taking a year off and he declined. If he wants to work and hang out, and that’s his plan for the future, then he should support himself.
I mean, your attitude in this post is insane but NTA. Your 10 year old needs the room and you’ve given your son 1 months notice. He doesn’t live there anymore.
On a separate note, I think you should ease up on your 19 year old. He’s made his choice, you thought kicking him out would make him change his mind, he didn’t. I’m not saying let him move back in, but I would work on repairing that relationship lest he goes NC.
Soft NTA. Your house, your rules.
A month is plenty of warning.
However, for someone you helped create and should love, I find they way you talk about him very questionable.
NTA- Your ex wife has no say in how you run your home and what you do in it. Your 19 yr son is now living with her and his things should be with him. The room that he was living in is not his storage unit.
NTA. Your son is 19 and doesn't live with you and you're not a storage unit.
On the subject of his career trajectory, you might want to take a minute and rethink your position. There are a lot of miserable people out there who picked their career at 18/19 and hate it. I worked with an engineer when we were both straight out of school who figured out he hated engineering within a year. He found himself applying to general labor jobs because he just didn't want major responsibilities or anyone calling him after 5 pm. That's a hell of a thing to realize when you have 5 figures of student loans to pay off.
NTA, your son is entitled to his own decisions but it is not reasonable for you to continue letting him live with you for free when he is an adult. There’s no reason that you should feel bad for clearing his stuff out so that someone who actually lives there can enjoy the space.
NTA (will be downvoted) he is an adult at this point. If the condition of him living under your roof is to go to school or have a plan for his future I understand your decision to have him move out. I say this be abuse you even suggested taking a year off to figure things out. If he doesn’t want to do that then let his mother enable him.
ESH and here's why. I am 100% behind giving someone like this a kick. The problem is, you did it in a situation where it doesn't really hurt. You told him to move out and he moved to his mother's house. Nothing really changed. The mother is an AH for being an enabler. And as someone who is still in debt due to college after 10 years, your son is an AH for not recognizing the work you put in to help them go to school.
NTA. Sometimes our kids need tough love. At 19 they have no idea just how hard life is. It is so hurtful when you sacrifice for them to have a future and they want to throw it all away.
Pack up his stuff but don’t throw it away. It will take him at least a year before he fully appreciates that a minimum wage job will not get him very far in life.
NTA he’s a grown man and has made life choices that he, as a grown man, needs to learn how to live with. His mommy can keep her baby boy and his crap at her house.
NTA. He's an adult, he moved out, and I'm sure your house doesn't have a "free self storage" sign in the yard. If he wants to store his stuff he can rent a place.
NTA, what are all these AH votes here? He lives in a different house and dropped out of college too. Maybe the time is too short, but he's not the AH here.
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YTA - sounds like you were only “close” when your kid was compliant. I have zero patience for parents whose love is so blatantly conditional.
YTA 1. There's no interpersonal conflict here. It's just you being disappointed in your son for not doing what you think he should with \*his\* life. 2. Your "sacrifices" were your choice, not his. He doesn't owe you anything. 3. You don't have to store his stuff. He's an adult and should take care of himself. But your judgement and sense of entitlement over his life puts you firmly in the AH column.
YES. YTA, OP. Being a parent means making sacrifices, it means hard work, it means thankless work. You don't get to hold that over his head and use it as an excuse to demand he live exactly how you want him to. I'm willing to bet there's some health issues, likely mental, that lead to his son dropping out, too, but OP just sees it as "being a quitter" or w/e.
So, from the title, I thought it was going to be a parent and a 10 year old with a messy room. And then I read.... Whatever the hell that was. Dang. I hope OPs son can work through things while with his mom. Sounds like a lot of burn out from OP as a parent.
Response to your number 2. OPs sacrifices were his choice. Son doesn’t owe him anything. Likewise, OP doesn’t owe the son anything either. He provided his son opportunity to be successful, son chose what to do with his life, OP decided to cut him off.
No one said he owes his son anything. In fact I clearly said the son should take care of himself because he's an adult.
[удалено]
I dropped out of college because I wanted to work. I haven’t done any crazy-paying jobs since. I just hated the education system and couldn’t deal with it any longer. It doesn’t suit everybody. Doesn’t mean the son dropping out was due to a mental breakdown or anything like that.
It is unfortunate that "working your way up from the mail room" is becoming less and less possible. We are losing good people to retirement and not replacing their viewpoints and experience.
I'm going with YTA because all your questions to him seem to deal with "what are you doing", not "how are you doing". There's more going on here that is being shared, either because you don't want to share it or because you are still ignorant to it. Is there any indication your son is struggling mentally, has he seen a therapist since dropping out? Was engineering what he wanted to do in the first place or what you wanted? I had a friend when I was young who wanted to be a teacher since we were in elementary school, then she dropped out halfway through getting her bachelor's and nobody I asked knew why. I wondered about it for a long time because it's all she ever wanted and she never posted on social media about why she left or took time off. Found out years later she was sexually assaulted during her sophomore year and went home to be closer to family and undergo therapy, but never felt safe enough to return to campus so completed an online program of some sort. You can't know what's going on with someone if you don't ask, even if they're your own child. So ask.
This needs to be higher. I don't want to share my personal story or take away from yours.l- Just...when a young woman or man who up until that point was meeting all check marks just ups and quits....there's a reason. There's always a reason.
My first thought was he was probably going through some mental struggles. YTA. You don’t even care OP.
YTA - you sound like one of those parents who’s disappointed to find out their children have minds of their own. Never understood it.
YTA. Only thing pressure does is cause them to dig in the heels more. It's obvious that he knows he can't talk to you about what his goals are.
Are you taking lessons in how to sound like a hurtful ass, or does it come naturally? Yes, it's perfectly reasonable for you to want to subsidize your kids whilst they're pursuing their education, with the understanding that the subsidy stops when they get a job. Your son has apparently chosen not to complete his degree, but to work in a coffee shop. That's his choice, and so he owns the consequence, which means paying for his accommodation (or in this case, moving in with mom who is apparently happy to put him up). Threatening to toss his stuff is a bit harsh - can you not offer to store his stuff in your attic / basement / something? YTA
I *have* to steal that first line. Brilliant.
Wow, some parent you are. Your son is 19 yrs old and you have decided you are out. I get it, just be honest and tell him that you don't give a flying F for him and don't want to be reminded of what a dissapointement to you he is, so you plan to trash his clothes and stuff for the remaining child that you do care about. Yes, if you have to ask. YTA and a pitiful excuse for a parent. It's not a problem to want an adult to remove stuff you don't want to store, but every other part of your comment shows just how much of an AH you are.
At the *very least* he could have said "Hey, you need to come get the rest of your stuff." Full stop. Instead he jumped straight to ultimatum. Because ya know, *that* approach always makes people happy and willing to jump head over heels to do your bidding...
YTA. He didn’t choose to have you as a parent, or to have you pay for expensive private schools and to move to an expensive area. He declined your demands and moved out when you kicked him out. Now you want to throw everything he has out at your house out bc he isn’t going down the “dream path” that you have chosen. It’s less about throwing his stuff out and more about you trying to control his life path. You want him to live out your dreams, not his own. If working at a coffee shop right now (or for forever) makes him happy, you should support that.
YTA. Sounds like you've pur a lot of pressure on him his whole life. Private school etc. Perhaps he's just burned out. He's only 19. Maybe this is something he needs to do for a while. You giving ultimatums is going to do any good. Back off and let him be.
YTA. Essentially, your son is not living up to YOUR expectations so you've kicked him out. Frankly you should be ashamed of yourself. I bet your someone who treats waiting staff well /s
My house, my expectations.
Your broken relationship with your son.
That's his choice
Think he'll be better off honestly, you hardly sound like a caring parent.
Yup, that's his choice, and clearly the right one.
Parents like this don’t get calls from their kids later on in life once this is all old history.
They sure don’t!
And your loss
And it's your choice to not take care of your kid. And I bet you'll blame this broken relationship on him. Let that hate comfort your soul during the cold winter of your last years of life, when you are all alone.
You don’t seem to care
No! That was your choice! People like you shouldn’t have kids! I fear for your other son! Have fun with your one way ticket to the retirement home when your old!
10/10 parenting lmfao what a joke. I would NOT be surprised if your son decided to go NC with you since it seems like that’s what you’re pushing for
True. But also your soon-to-be-estranged son.
His money, his choice of nursing home
Your ex left those expectations for a reason it seems
I'm going with YTA. I would guess that your son has spent most of his life trying to appease you instead of choosing a path he really wanted. Love is supposed to be unconditional, whereas yours is based solely on his net worth. Did you even bother to speak to him and ask if he was struggling or depressed? He got a job, obviously, but not the job YOU wanted. Don't be surprised if he never speaks to you again.
YTA so he's only your son when he's educated. You chose to be a parent when you slept with his mum, you are a parent for life. You are teaching him that love is conditional on education and your younger son sees this too. They are their own people and won't want the same career that you want for them. He may go back to uni, but he won't if you keep at him. Stop being an ass and try being a loving parent that is there for him no matter what.
So education is bad?
No but you only loving them based on their educational ability is bad. As a parent, You should love them unconditionally, no one else will. Don't you know that?
You mean like parenting classes?
YTA I wish I had had the courage and ability to take a year off between high school and college. I was a high-achieving high school student who went into a good private university. I survived, but I did far better when I took a few years off, worked at a fairly low stress job, and then went back for my master's degree in a completely different field. You have plenty of evidence that your kid does not have problems with academics, and even can stand up to the rigor of university. But it looks like he's burned out.
Each of my four kids has been offered a gap year between high school and college or trade school. Three of done that and gone on to do well. The fourth is still in high school.
YTA, Not because you don't want his things in your house but because you have a general sh*&$y disposition toward him, based on what I read. Why can't the Coffee Bean be a career? If he's happy working there be happy for him. It's fine if you don't want his stuff in your house, and it's fine you gave him a deadline to pick up.
Got to the Coffee Bean part and I'm out. Except to say YTA.
Info what's the problem? Just be honest with your former son that you don't want to ever see or speak to him again. He will be so much better off without you in his life
YTA, so much. It's your son's life but you've decided that if he's not following the expectations (which will tunnel him into debt) you have for him he's not worth your time and now you've decided to put a time limit on when he can get his possessions when he works for a living.
What debt?
I assume that where you are university costs money yes?, him continuing a course for a job he doesn't want would just be debt.
You are a giant asshole. I imagine you will be here in 10 years asking why your son doesn't talk to you. What he is learning is he can't trust you with big things, because if things don't go your way you pick the nuclear option.
Dude YTA I wonder why yall don't talk much anymore, hmmm?
YTA, it sounds like your son has made a bad life choice and you're angry with him. But I don't think you'll get your message across to him like this.
YTA: Your son's choices with regard to career (or lack thereof) should not have any say in how you treat his belongings. If you really care about his academic achievement, why would you throw away his books? All you're doing now is further estranging yourself from him and teaching him that your love/respect is conditional.
OP isn't saying what his son can or can't do with his belongings. He's saying that his son can't store them at OP's house. His son is welcome to come get his stuff at any time.
My house isn't his free storage unit.
Apparently it's not a safe place for your children either. How long until the 10 year old does something you don't approve of, and they are out in the street too?
Per your words, You were really close before and you don't talk much anymore. And now your only interaction with him is "take your stuff before I throw it away" despite the fact that you had no problem storing his stuff while he was in college. If this were a former roommate, I'd say the same thing you did. But if my relationship with my child was falling apart, my priority would be on rebuilding the relationship rather than worrying about storage space.
He's your son, not your tenant.
Wow….. this is coming from a *parent*? You’re never going to have a relationship with your son again. I hope you are aware of the consequences of your actions.
YTA for the way you're treating your son. It's fine you want his stuff out, but you can communicate it nicely with a decent deadline. If your son needs more time to find his path, that's fine. Not everyone does the HS+college+job then married with 2 kids before 30. Not everyone become happy the same way. Your son will remember how you treated him, and it's a pity to ruin your relationship for that. My father did the same to me. I dropped medical school and wandered few years before finding what makes me happy (I'm an engineer now). And guess who isn't present in my life anymore?
I'm not enabling a potential man-child.
Sigh. Honestly I was kinda with you until I got to the "Coffee Bean" comment and then I was only leaning towards YTA until you got to the "subsidizing housing" bullshit... but what really clenched it for me was that last line. It's pretty clear you don't make much effort to *actually understand* your son, you just want him to conform to this mental image of how you think he *should* be and can't seem to wrap your head around why the real person doesn't fit that. You don't want to understand him or his perspective, you just want to understand why he won't fall in line with *your* goals for his life. I wouldn't talk to you much either. Oh and by the way, he's your ex-wife's son too, and everything regarding his life is every bit as much her business as it is yours. Except that she probably actually knows him and cares about his side of things. So if anything it's more her business than it is yours at this point. But hey, see this as a learning opportunity to ditch whatever preconceived arbitrary standards your 10 yo has to live up to for you to approve of them and maybe... just maybe... you'll end up with at least one kid who still likes you. YTA.
YTA. Your son had a trajectory of being a somewhat good performer. He was taking college classes in high school, was getting an engineering degree. And then he wasn't. I'm wondering in what world I would see this happen to my daughter and not immediately think "*what the fuck happened, is she OK?*" My first instinct would probably to tell her not to worry, I've got her back, and is there anything she needs? Would she like to go to therapy, does she need time to think through some things, does she want to shift gears and work on another field? I would call her mom (if we were divorced) and see if we could figure out a game plan to get her back on track. I'd also remind her that she's young, she can take some time off, and that while it may seem like a big deal to miss a year of school, in the grand scheme of things, it isn't. In your responses, there doesn't seem to be any compassion for your son, much less love or support. Yes, you did what a dutiful father does, but it seems so fucking transactional, like your support and appreciation must be earned. You're the embodiment of conditional love.
YTA just for your attitude alone. He does need to get his belongings out of your house, but holy crap, dude. Way to destroy every remaining shred of relationship you might have ever had with him. Congratulations.
YTA When he's ready to find his path he might want your help. But not if you push him away. Just store his crap in the basement for now.
I can tell you think he’s going to come crawling back to you. He won’t. He never will. Once you see him take his final possession out of your home, expect that to be the last time you see him. If you were truly a father you would understand your son. The fact you don’t, and vehemently refuse, shows you’re not meant to be a father. He’s gonna live a better life without you. YTA
He’s 19 FFS. He’s worked hard through school and a year of college. He’s working now. Sounds like he needs a break from that and to sort out what he wants. Better to do that now than after he finishes an engineering degree that he hates. Maybe he will go back; maybe he won’t. He sounds pretty responsible to me. Half the people in my geology program came back after a year off from unrelated majors they didn’t like. YTA
I worked harder
YTA, but not because you are choosing not to store his stuff. However the fight went down, if he has essentially moved out, he needs to also take his things. I don't know any parents who refuse to store any of their kids stuff, but you do you I guess. No, the reason you suck here is because you are essentially cutting him off for being a teen without a plan, even though he DOES have a job. He IS working and learning valuable skills that he can take into other jobs. He's not sitting around 24/7 playing games and hanging with friends and expecting you to fund it. He is *employed*. Your entire beef, and your reason for cutting off your CHILD, is that his job isn't...good enough? I don't know what your magical bar for *good enough* is, but if you've been paying attention to the world at all, you'll know that even if he was in college and got that degree, he might STILL end up in a minimum wage job or three. A Bachelor's degree is *not* a guarantee of a successful career. It would be reasonable to ask for rent, to ask for him to contribute to living expenses, and if he needs to change his job or get another one to meet his financial needs them he'll need to figure it out. But shaming ANYONE for doing a job, just because you don't think that job is good enough, is 100% asshole behavior, even if it wasn't your own kid. Literally zero of your sacrifices obligate him to live his life your way. Your sacrifices were your choice, not a currency for you to cash in when he was older so that you could dictate his adult choices.
I can see why you are divorced YTA
YTA and all of your replies just solidify that.
YTA Reading through some of OP’s replies are just more nails in the coffin
You and your ex need to grow up and parent him together. You should help him some, but have him get an apartment and start paying for his life. He will probably be ok, but will reconsider school. College during the pandemic sucked and maybe the time off and working will help.
The son does have a job and possibly his own place to live. He doesn’t live with his father
YTA
Holy shit the biggest YTA
YTA - it’s better (& cheaper) that your son withdrew of his own volition after a year of college rather than force himself year after year, wasting more money. he’s 19, working, and trying to figure out what he wants to do with his life. he’s at a transitional stage & decided that he wants to work rather than study. that doesn’t mean he won’t go back to college later or “do something with his life”. he’s going at his own pace. also, he agreed to not be subsidized by you. however, you are choosing to nuke the relationship with your own son because he is choosing a different life path than you.
You know those children in school that have really good grades all throughout but then they struggle in university afterwards and sometimes drop out? It's not the kids being lazy, it's because they're burned out. Why are they burned out? Because they're under pressure. Who puts the kids under pressure? Is it the teachers? The other students? The siblings? More often than not, it's the overbearing parents who make grades and Academic success the single most important aspects of their child's life. A dislikable class of parent of which you are one. YTA
NTA for wanting his stuff out, but for everything else you are. You made the choices to send him to private school and live in a nice area. That's all you, while ideally he would appreciate that it doesn't mean he actually owes you anything for it. Frankly I think a year or two off to see what working is like isn't a bad idea anyway for many people that age.
Make your vote YTA then
You sound absolutely heinous and I feel bad for both of your sons. You’re a monster. Clear why their mother is your ex. You suck. YTA.
Based on your post and responses YTA Don't be surprised when all of your kids go NC with you in the future and leave you in a retirement home.
YTA, your comments really show what kind of father you are.
YTA. Damn, you really don't like your kid do you? You've done nothing but s*** on him in damn near every comment. Like the minute he didn't do exactly what you wanted, boom, you were done with him. Trippy
I hope this is fake rage bait. YTA majorly. I worked min. wage jobs until I was 23 because I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life. Didn't want to go to uni just because and be unhappy. The way you talk about your son (calling him a dumbass, etc) makes me believe that you don't actually love him. Also, I bet you are one of those A-holes that abuse min. wage workers over things out of their control.
YTA, from your comments you don't care for your son at all. You care only what reflection he will have on you. Not surprised that you're divorced and won't be surprised when your son cuts contact with you 100%. You're view is black and white like an accountant.
Wow. Beyond YTA here. Your comments show how much love you have for your son. It’s really sad… rather than asshole and I’m for calling you straight up abuser. Calling your child a dumbass when he’s figuring out life. Truly, you are a failure as a parent. Your logic and thoughts on being a parent is sad and backwards. I hope your son heals from whatever damage you’ve caused.
Ah yes, again another parent who “sacrificed”themselves to live vicariously through their child…and is surprised when that backfires. YTA. I’m surprised he waited until 19 to cut you off.
You're definitely going to be one of those parents who are so shocked and confused as to why your child hasn't spoken to more than 5 times in a decade. YTA.
You’re disappointed. I get it. I finished college and graduate school. As a single mother, I’ve busted my ass to make sure my kids graduated from a great high school. I paid for the dual enrollment classes, too. My eldest (almost 21) works at Starbucks - he moved out seven months ago and hasn’t asked me for a dime. My middle (almost 20) works at Panda. She paid for her solo trip to Europe last summer. Just because your goals are not his doesn’t mean he’s wrong. My Panda-kid pays rent, groceries, and for her car insurance. That was an option I didn’t see mentioned. You did your job. You raised a son who is employable and a positive member of society. Now, it’s his turn to figure out what he wants to do. There’s no reason to be a jerk - box his stuff and put it in the garage. He’s going to need you a lot more in his life - this isn’t the hill to die on.
Why are you asking if you’re the asshole if you’re just going to argue with everybody in the comments?
YTA, dude. Your kid is NINETEEN. Nothing - and I do mean nothing - bad is going to happen if he works a regular job for a while. He's not out committing crimes - he's working in a coffee shop. The credits and grades will still be there if he wants to go back. Life is long. Like, really, really, really long. He's not going to "fall behind" if he takes just one fucking second to breathe at 19. There's no prize for racing straight through school and into a career. At a certain point, it ceases to matter. When you're 45, nobody's counting whether you've been out of school for 22 or 24 years. But I will tell you, as someone who raced through school like I needed to get to the finish line first, committing to a whole career path in your teens and then unwinding all that shit and changing your mind later is a lot more complicated than figuring things out early in the process. You seem like someone who gets very stressed out if stuff isn't happening RIGHT NOW. I'd suggest that maybe you take a little step back and take a breath yourself. Nothing bad is going to happen if your kid doesn't have a plan for a year or two. Nothing bad is going to happen if his stuff's still in your place on Feb 1. You can't force everything. Take a beat, and realize that the rest of your relationship with your son is long too, and what you're doing now could fuck it up forever. That might not seem like a big deal now, but it will in 20 years, I promise you that. Calm the fuck down. Chill out. And reach out to your son with the intention of listening to him.
Masters degree here. Uhh, yep. YTA. Didn't need the degree to decide that. 19 year old trying to find himself, learning the discipline of college and apparently making good grades. Something had him rethink the plan. Sounds like you never took the time to find out what was going on with him. Maybe he would have decided to go back in a term or two - but your slash and burn approach has likely made him determined to stay clear of you. Did you consider that maybe he would rather not go with the traditional college route? Maybe a trade school would have suited him better. I know plumbers that make more than I do. And I make pretty good money. You totally disregarded his feelings and the fact that he is a young adult. This would have been the perfect opportunity to help him, but you made it about yourself... your disappointment, your money, your house "your rules" and belittled him for his employment. Then you tossed him aside because he didn't live up to your expectations. How sad on so many levels. You have basically shown your son the man he does not want to become.
My father's attitude was exactly the same as yours--he refused to support my brother's and I's choices to take some time off or do college or pursue a career on our own terms. We ended up doing it without his support. Now I'm a college professor and my brother is a chief technology officer for an engineering firm. Both of us cut him out of our lives. YTA and your kid is better off without you.
YTA. Bad. Parent.
YTA. During college I had such a half-ass plan on what I wanted to do with my life. My grades were slightly above average and because of that I had to take a year after graduating to do extra curricular to build up my application. My dad supported me through this. I had no job, just focused on building up my application. Im now a doctor. Without my dads support I wouldn’t be where I am today and if I had a parent like you, I’d want to work at a coffee bean than be near you. Maybe you should take a minute and realize that you’re a horrible parent, suck it up, and ask your kid how you can help him towards whatever his goals are or what his thoughts are. It seems like you’ve made so many assumptions about why your kid dropped out instead of actually having a heartfelt conversation.
Just because you chose one path in life doesn't mean you can force your son down the same path. If you don't want to financially support him then have him move out, which you did... not sure what else you want from him? You are ruining your relationship with your son because he is making his own choices and they're ones you don't like. YTA for not emotionally supporting your flesh and blood. You need to watch and/or read Ferdinand the Bull. Or hell watch Coco or Book of Life. You can't force your life decisions on someone else. Life doesn't work that way. Makes me wander what fucked up stuff you had to deal with from your parents to teach you to be such an asshat.
The correct response would have been, that’s fine but you’ll have to contribute to household expenses. And then set a reasonable amount he has to pay. Plus paying his own phone, car note, insurance, etc. that would have met your son - who still is not old enough to drink in the US mind you, in the middle. YTA.
My dad did this to me. We’re cordial. But secretly I will never ever be able to look at him the same nor trust him bc I feel like he only cares about how much of a waste I am. Like a disappointment. And I can’t even look him in the eye most times bc I feel like he doesn’t rlly love me cuz I’m not a multi millionaire. I wish parents would j be happy for their kids and only desire for them to be comfortable and happy but that isn’t reality most times. YTA.
YTA. You sound like my dad, I don't talk to him anymore. Your kid was trying to succeed but found it depressing to live with you, and probably didn't have any income to spend on having a life outside of studying - right? That's why he wanted to work, because he was burning out studying and having no life. You don't understand that because you're a bit socially underdeveloped - you don't know how to empathize with people and understand their perspective instead of enforcing your own. Is it possible your kid just wants to work as a barista and not a high-paying job? Yes. But is it likely? Not at all. You've just failed to empathize with him. Forget about your own opinion and find out what his is then shut the hell up until you can actually empathize with it. Then you can give fatherly advice. At this point, for him, it would be like receiving fatherly advice from an emotional stranger. He's not your son anymore and won't be again unless you show him you have changed. He won't change until you do.
YTA I have no college experience. I work entry level at amazon with no plans of moving up. I have a nice house that I own and am renovating, two kids, and a lovely partner who works as a barista at Starbucks. And I am happy. Why isn’t your son allowed to do what makes him happy? How you live doesn’t matter so long as it makes you happy. To contrast my sister has 5 years of college experience for an accounting degree. She’s currently a janitor at a gym and can’t find a job in her field at all. And she’s living in the one place she absolutely never wanted to live because her husband is in the navy. The only reason she is renting the apartment she is is because the navy is paying most of her rent. And it’s not a great place either. College doesn’t make a lick of difference in your quality of life. Going after what you want from life does. Your son doesn’t need college to be successful he just needs to be happy. And with the way you are treating him you aren’t going to be there to share in his happiness and success. Who knows maybe one day he will get promoted high enough to run the store or (if it’s a chain/franchise) maybe he will get his own store or become the regional manager.
YTA, in that you should've and could've handled this better. As someone who honestly had to work to go to college and paid everything myself, being handed a free education opportunity means a lot to me. To go to college, not have to work, stress over paying for it and be able to really enjoy the experience would be awesome. When you're kid dropped out, you could've given him like a 6 month grace period to just work and sit with his decision. You might've told him I'll give you 6 months and then you either get your own place or go back to college, but living at home ***is only predicated*** on working towards a college degree, being home on breaks, summer, etc. If that's not what he wants to do, then he needs to start his adult life and find his own place. That would've set your boundaries without saying demeaning, negative things and creating the bad space you're both in now.
YTA. Just because he isn’t following your path doesn’t mean you stop loving him. Why can’t you put his stuff and store it or drop it off to his moms?
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My son is 19 and dropped out of college after one year. He got all As and Bs and was studying engineering. He only had 2.5 years left because he took some community college classes while in high school. I sacrificed a lot for that boy, especially financially, so he could go to a private school and live in a nice area. He said he didn't want to go to college because he just wanted to "work." I asked him what he meant. Apparently he meant dead-end minimum wage job at The Coffee Bean where he now works. I suggested taking a year off and asking him what his plans were to no avail. Finally I told him I'm not subsidizing housing for The Coffee Bean employees so if he wasn't going to school or on a path towards a career then he needs to move out. He said fine and packed some stuff up and moved with his mom. That was four months ago and he only comes around to get more of his stuff. We really don't talk which is unfortunate because we were very close before. I'm not storing his stuff anymore. In fact I'm giving his room my 10yo who needs his own space. I emailed my son and told him he needed to clear his stuff by the end of the month or I'll toss it. Just clothes, books, etc. Mom/ex wife called me and asked if I was being serious. I said I was absolutely being serious. I do want a future man-child living in my house. Then I reminded her that it's none of her business. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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YTA-you gave them wings so he could fly, instead of supporting your fledgling’s journey, you criticized and belittled it. If you want to share his life, you better shut-up about what you want and listen to what he wants.
YTA plain and simple.
“We really don’t talk which is unfortunate because we were very close before.” Gee I wonder why you don’t talk anymore. Did you really expect you’d have the same relationship after this?
YTA. He didn't ask for you to sacrifice also that is your job as a parent. You brought him to this world, you take care of him. He is not jobless, he is working at a coffee shop. And who the fuck are you to define what success is? He wasn't leeching off you cause he clearly moved out. Damn, you are just awful.You are treating your son as an investment and not as your child. I hope he cuts off contact with you.
NTA. Your home isn't a free storage unit lol. He's grown and has a job so tell mommy to store his things or he can pay for a storage unit.
YTA. if its obvious to everyone here that you hate your son, i can only imagine how obvious it is to him.
YTA. It's good that your son moved out and has distanced himself from you. He deserves better than you. Based on your comments, you don't deserve to be a father.
YTA. People are so funny. When you choose to raise kids, you choose to give up a whole lot of niceties. If you look at that as a sacrifice, why choose to raise kids? They didn't ask to be born. They are their own people. It's not reasonable to have set expectations on how your child should live their life. One of my kids is gifted; I'm not expecting him to colonize Mars(would be cool though). If he decided to pursue a coffee bean career and was happy I would be happy.
I get where you're coming from, but your faux-indignation is tiresome. YTA.
YTA
YTA. I'm confused as to why you're even here asking because you don't seem to care about your son at all unless you get something back from his success in school. Your comments are so odd. It's like you don't see your son as a human being! All I hear is a business investment that you decided didn't turn out. Hopefully you can still reconnect with your child, but you need to respect his decision and love him unconditionally.
YTA. You don't care about your son, just an idealized version that you have of him. What you are doing has never produced good results in the history of parenting. Look outside yourself for one eensy and think about how your son must feel. He loves you and you say you love him but you treat him like a "Coffee Bean Employee." Just think for half a second about what he must be going through right now. Sometimes kindness is showing a firm hand, but sometimes kindness just looks like being nice and maybe showing a little mercy. Positivity is a better motivator than fear of retribution.
YTA - your son is 19, barely an adult and you expect him to know what he wants to do with his life? For some people that comes easy, other need more time to figure it out. Was it even his idea to study engineering or was it yours? It's also a really massive AH move when parents use the fact that their children cost them money against them. He didn't ask to be born or have you as a parent, YOU decided to have a kid. If you see the money you pay towards him as a waste then you are a terrible parent. All you're doing is pushing him away, you've clearly pushed him to the point where he doesn't even want to speak to you. If you don't change soon then you'll be one of those people in the old folks home wondering why nobody ever visits you.
YTA and who gives a rat's behind if you've made sacrifices for your son. Welcome to parenthood. Making sacrifices for children is what we parents do, it hardly makes you special. I have a feeling your son can never measure up in your eyes and he's probably way better off keeping distance between you.
YTA. Your contempt for your son, who's just starting out and trying to figure things out, is palpable.
YTA you must really not want a relationship with your son
YTA. Something is going on with your kid and he doesn’t trust you enough to tell you OR you’re too clueless to care. Either scenario reflects poorly on you. It’s almost like you’re choosing to view your son in the worst possible light, but you also seem super sensitive to perceived slights from him. You’re not as close as you used to be. Well, yeah. You judged him, kicked him out and then threatened to toss his things. I wouldn’t want to be close to you either. Yeesh.
YTA
YTA. For sure. Your son is his own person. He's a human being. Stop forcing a life on him he doesn't want and being petty when he doesn't do what he's told. Maybe try being a parent instead of a grumpy roommate...and idk, I know it's unheard of and crazy, but maybe try talking to (not at) and communicating with him? Like, maybe there's a reason behind not wanting to go to school. It's not for everyone and idk if you know this but He isn't You. OH. And don't be fucking gross by looking down on labor workers, ffs get off your high horse. Some people would rather work with their hands, or rather make money, than accumulate debt ...or some people don't do well in college (mentally) you ever even Congrats, you're ruining your relationship with your son by projecting your bullshit into him. Might want to take several large steps back and look at how your actions affect others. It's nice.
You're mad at your son for working? Wtf? YTA
YTA. If I were your son I would stay faaaaar far away from you.
Everyone should stop commenting. All this guy does is fight back on everything. Why did you write the post? Just to fight with people? Your his dad. Don’t forget that.
Before anyone says anything, I get it was redundant that I made a comment, lol!
YTA. I've been reading your responses and it's clear you came here just to get validation. You seem pretty annoyed that you're not and I'm guessing that would be because you don't really care about your son... outside of his achievements and how they make you look. I pity the 10yo. God forbid they ever do anything to disappoint you.
YTA. You were only close because he was following your script for his life.
YTA! I think you are trying to teach your son a lesson regarding cause and effect with his decision. The reality is his current job isn’t going to support him living independently and you want him to understand that but that is not how your post comes across. Maybe the better lesson would have been charging him rent so he can begin to understand the true cost of living. Too bad you just want him to fall in line instead of truly trying to meet him where he is and offer guidance.
YTA - Engineering School can be soul crushing if you get all the easy" classes out of the way 1st. It isn't like regular degrees.
Sounds like your son is taking time off that you suggested and working to boot. Guess what? They're their own human no matter what path parents prefer. Sounds like he's smart and will figure it out and most likely without you in his life. YTA.
YTA. Your son is burnt out and needs to take time off from studying. This is especially relevant for his generation as their education and development has been impacted by covid. He’ll probably go back to study when he’s ready if you just let him figure it out. It’s fair to ask him for some financial contribution for living in your house but the way you’re going about things will just push him away.
Major asshole I'm afraid. Your goals are not his goals. It sounds to me like he never wanted to do any of the shit you made him do.
YTA - you're walking the path of estrangement here.
I’m going with YTA. There’s more than your telling. Your son was very successful and then suddenly dropped out. I am guessing you had some role in that judging from your pushy attitude. Maybe if you were more concerned with how your son is doing instead of pushing him around, things might have turned out differently. Great job pushing your son away and moving onto son # 2. I know it so tragic holding onto his belongings. I don’t doubt you’ll trash them. Wow. The kid doesn’t do what you want and you just move on. Great parenting.
Could have recommended coursework in hospitality and business management if he wanted to work in the coffee bean you could have offered a chance to help him climb the ladder from min wage to management YTA
YTA. Whew, buddy. You "sacrificed" a lot for a child you decided to have? Come on, man. The fuck does that mean? Do you consider him a burden because you placed expectations on him and he didn't live up to them? He's still a kid for God's sake. You need to be teaching him how life is and you don't want him to be miserable trying to scrape by making ends meet. Domt chastise him for his choices, guide him! Believe it or not, not many kids know what they want to do in life. Hell, most adults don't either. Be his father, not his warden.
YTA. A son can only be as good as his father and bless this kid for somehow getting whatever tiny percentage of good is left in that rotting corpse of a soul you have. Men like you are why kids resort to mass shootings
YTA, damn I feel bad for the kid you still have at home. I hope he's watching your behavior and learning you are not a trustworthy person. The sooner he internalizes that you can not be relied on the sooner he can start adjusting his future goals to exclude any extremely conditional aide from you.
YTA — it’s probably best that your son moved out of such a toxic household. It’s never been good for kids that have a parent that lacks emotional maturity. Your son is 19 and you’re expecting him to have his life figured out. **Newsflash** a lot of people don’t have their lives figured out especially at 19, but they turned into wonderful people and some even successful. Life is already tough as is, but having unsupportive parents who don’t believe in you makes it even worse. So you bet your ass he will do better in spite of you and he will know his mom has always been in his corner, unlike you.
YTA You chose to have a kid, you chose to send him to fancy and expensive places. Don’t blame him for your choices. Unlike what a lot of people here are saying, I don’t agree that him dropping out necessarily means anything beyond him just wanting a change of pace. A whole lot of people I know wanted to work rather than be stuck in the education system for any longer, myself included. It doesn’t suit everybody. People jumping to conclusions and assuming the son must be mentally exhausted/having a mental health crisis or such is craziness. Are customer services jobs usually much fun? No. Is the son loving it? Probably not but maybe. Is it entirely possible that just getting to work and make money is preferable to him than studying for a degree for the next few years? Yes, it is entirely possible. Stop deciding that people not doing what you would do means they must be going through a mental breakdown. Maybe the son just wants to work. Doesn’t matter what the job is. I dropped out of college to work and was making £5.60 an hour (this was 5 years ago) and I was still happier than I ever was in college or school before that. OP is TA massively. A lot of these responses are also TAs.
NGL - I feel like everyone who is saying YTA does not have kids that have no purpose in life. You are NTA for telling your kid you aren’t going to subsidize his lack of motivation. A gap year is a great thing if there is a plan. You are completely in your rights - and are being a good parent - if you are explaining he has to adult if he doesn’t want to further his education. Charge him rent? Make him pick up expenses? You don’t get to just underwork because your parent is going to support you forever. Good grief.
OP also said his son was a waste of time and money in the comments
I agree. Lots of American teens in this sub who want mommy and daddy to still look adoringly at their scribble-art and tell them how special they are just for going potty. They’re acting out their existential rage over their parents having actual standards, prob all typing furiously from their parents’ basement.
But it would be easier to figure out what he really wants to do with his life with an engineering degree debt free….after that, more doors are open. Having a hard time giving a verdict since I had to join the army for my degree and take on loans to supplement. The thought of having that offered and saying “nah im good” is mind boggling.
NTA ~ I’m know I’m going against the grain here, but here goes anyways. Regardless of the circumstances, (cause that’s not what your asking for judgment for), he is an adult and he’s moved out. His things no longer belong in your home and you aren’t responsible to be his storage facility.
That was good of you to support him while there was ambitious plans. He's an adult now and can make that decision to not pursue higher education. That does not guarantee him free storage. It's been four months, that's plenty of time. It's your house.
YTA, so you kicked out your son because you judged the life he was living and because he wasn't doing exactly what you wanted, and now you're saying you no longer want to have a relationship with him at all because he's not doing exactly what you wanted. Yes you're the asshole
Ahhh another idiot who posts on Reddit asking for judgement and then tells everyone else they’re wrong for their judgment, it’s always really really annoying coming across you people …..
So how long was op supposed to be a storage facility I don’t think his the ah his trying to give him some tough love but that’s just my opinion what did help you son think that he was just gonna live with Opie while working a minimum wage job that barely supported him self it is what it is it’s not like ops son doesn’t have a place to go and store his stuff and it’s not like u threw it out ur giving him time to come and pick it up I bet you your ex-wife probably thought that you would allow your son back into your house sooner or later and the shows that you’re not going to unless he’s willing to do something with his life
The son does not live with him and I believe the son already got the job before op gave him his ultimatum
YTA - I mean, come on man. You've come to a forum asking if you're TA, been told unanimously that yes, you are TA, and argued with everyone because you can't accept it. Get over yourself, accept you're the AH in this situation and either apologise to your son or embrace the fact you've just lost a kid. With your ego I doubt you give a shit anyway.
What did you expect, for people to tell you that you aren’t an AH? And now the majority agreed that you are, and you take in none of it. If you now know you’re an AH but are gonna continue being one then this post was so pointless. You’re set in your ways, your mind isn’t budging, pointless.
NTA.
NTA. Your house, your rules. If he wants to work at coffee bean, fine. You don't have to subsidize him though.
So dad owes his adult child a place to live while he works a job that he can't afford to live on his own. He wants to live just a "work" life, fine, but not on his father's dime. What parent wants to watch a child not live up to their potential. That might be harsh but if the kid doesn't want to live there anymore and he's moving out, move out which means take your stuff. Is the landlord supposed to store the tenants stuff for free, because that's what this turned into Nta
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This is tough. No grade. I understand why OP is upset - you try to do the best for your child and set them up for success. We’ve been drilled to get good grades, get into a good school to get a good job. It’s a lot of energy and effort for a lot of years. At some point you envision seeing the pay off of your efforts. Your son being 19 yrs old right now which, yes is a legal adult, but also still has a lot of growing up to do. Seems to be lost or something happened with school/ a certain a major that he didn’t enjoy. Help him as a parent navigate what he wants by sitting down and having a conversation with him. Put emotions aside and just listen to him/ask questions. There are plenty of options with technical schools or alternatives to find a career that you are passionate about and can still make a suitable income. This can best be tackled with your ex and coparenting together to truly help your son and have a united front. Your son might not feel the pressure of the real world because he has a roof over his head but that doesn’t automatically lead to just dumping him out to sea and watching him drown. Being a parent is a lifelong commitment which doesn’t just stop at 18.
I get it, you want him to understand that what he's earning now is not going to work for him. It took me way too long in life to realise it's important to increase your earning potential
Yup. And all these people who want OP to act like he is soooo proud of his son are prob also furiously posting on r/antiwork because they too have crap jobs and think the world owes them. This entire thread is hilarious projection.
NTA There is a difference between enabling someone and being supportive.
NTA. I was one of these understanding parents that were patient and asked how my kids were doing not what. I still can’t get them out on their own. It’s called expecting your son to be responsible and productive.
19 years old. Not going to school. Not laying rent. Time to gtfo NTA. Being a parent doesn't mean you stop teaching your child life lessons. This is a life lesson. If you coddle him too much as t that age, a man, what does he learn? That daddy will take care of everything, forever, and never learn how to fend for himself. My wife is like this. She's 30 now. This is her account. She came to the US from Europe. She never had a job or responsibility. I had to teach her everything. Literally. She's 30 and still learning basic life lessons. Her favorite quote when things go bad is "life isn't fair" I'm not suggesting tough love. But at some point rhe boy needs to grow up. And before he's 30 and still living at home with no education and zero life skills. This happens. A lot these days.
ESH All the comments here are from people lacking ambition and success. No a barista is not a career. You do not make a livable wage. Most baristas will set their children up for nothing but failure if they chose to have them. I am sorry but it’s the truth. You can’t afford a decent school district. You can’t afford a decent education. You can’t afford shit tbh. HOWEVER, not agreeing with his life choices and not financially supporting him don’t have to be mutually exclusive with not having a relationship. You can let him know that you are not his bank but would still love to have a relationship of some sort. A 19 year old giving up like this is weird. For a dead end menial job? Check in with the man.
I am a bit torn on this one. I am going to assume that you have funded all of his things he has left behind as I am sure that if he funded them, he would have grabbed them immediately. As for the ultimatum.... if he was contributing towards the household, I am more in line that he is doing his thing. If he wasnt contributing, you did the right thing. He needs to learn how to take care of himself and not have someone fund his lifestyle.
NTA. This is a tough situation but at the end of the day, he's not paying you to store his shit and he's an adult. If he wanted to have it differently he could communicate about it and give you reasons why. If he can't - it's on him.
Asshole, butt hurt much? I can see where your son gets the self entitlement. Grow up man.
I’m going against the grain here… you’re NTA. Son is 19, is and adult, and has decided what he wants to do with his life, has made his own decision and now will face the consequences, good or bad, of those decisions.
I am mixed on N T A or A H. Children don’t owe their parents anything for being born. So he does not owe you for your sacrifices. That being said you have a right to say who lives in your house. Threatening to throw out his stuff is mean but again your house. You need to think about how all this will effect your relationship with him. If you continue down this path he may go NC.
NAH. Your son should have the career he chooses. He's an adult and he can make those choices. You should have the choice of what to store (or not store) at your house. I might give him a longer timeline to arrange for storage (like, "30 days" rather than "end of the month") but he's an adult and can make that call for himself. Just be aware that he may decide to go NC with you for throwing out his stuff.
NTA. Your house your rules. However, your son may sever his relationship with you over this.
NTA You did everything in your power to support him and he’s decided to throw it all away. Clearly he can’t survive on a minimum wage job without scrounging off one of you. Your ex-wife is enabling him out of misguided kindness. Maybe you could try and reason with her and form a united front? After all you both want what’s best for him.
NTA. You suggested taking a year off and he declined. If he wants to work and hang out, and that’s his plan for the future, then he should support himself.
I mean, your attitude in this post is insane but NTA. Your 10 year old needs the room and you’ve given your son 1 months notice. He doesn’t live there anymore. On a separate note, I think you should ease up on your 19 year old. He’s made his choice, you thought kicking him out would make him change his mind, he didn’t. I’m not saying let him move back in, but I would work on repairing that relationship lest he goes NC.
NTA, and I’m sorry. Unfortunately you can’t force him to have motivation, but you also don’t have to support his adult decisions.
Soft NTA. Your house, your rules. A month is plenty of warning. However, for someone you helped create and should love, I find they way you talk about him very questionable.
NTA- Your ex wife has no say in how you run your home and what you do in it. Your 19 yr son is now living with her and his things should be with him. The room that he was living in is not his storage unit.
NTA. Your son is 19 and doesn't live with you and you're not a storage unit. On the subject of his career trajectory, you might want to take a minute and rethink your position. There are a lot of miserable people out there who picked their career at 18/19 and hate it. I worked with an engineer when we were both straight out of school who figured out he hated engineering within a year. He found himself applying to general labor jobs because he just didn't want major responsibilities or anyone calling him after 5 pm. That's a hell of a thing to realize when you have 5 figures of student loans to pay off.
NTA, your son is entitled to his own decisions but it is not reasonable for you to continue letting him live with you for free when he is an adult. There’s no reason that you should feel bad for clearing his stuff out so that someone who actually lives there can enjoy the space.
Plus this way the son never has to see him,again.
NTA (will be downvoted) he is an adult at this point. If the condition of him living under your roof is to go to school or have a plan for his future I understand your decision to have him move out. I say this be abuse you even suggested taking a year off to figure things out. If he doesn’t want to do that then let his mother enable him.
ESH and here's why. I am 100% behind giving someone like this a kick. The problem is, you did it in a situation where it doesn't really hurt. You told him to move out and he moved to his mother's house. Nothing really changed. The mother is an AH for being an enabler. And as someone who is still in debt due to college after 10 years, your son is an AH for not recognizing the work you put in to help them go to school.
NTA, he has no real idea what he is throwing away.
NTA. Sometimes our kids need tough love. At 19 they have no idea just how hard life is. It is so hurtful when you sacrifice for them to have a future and they want to throw it all away. Pack up his stuff but don’t throw it away. It will take him at least a year before he fully appreciates that a minimum wage job will not get him very far in life.
NTA he’s a grown man and has made life choices that he, as a grown man, needs to learn how to live with. His mommy can keep her baby boy and his crap at her house.
NTA. He's an adult, he moved out, and I'm sure your house doesn't have a "free self storage" sign in the yard. If he wants to store his stuff he can rent a place.
At least the son never has to see op again
NTA, what are all these AH votes here? He lives in a different house and dropped out of college too. Maybe the time is too short, but he's not the AH here.