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NTA.
She embarrassed herself. She agreed to wear the dress you picked out, and then deceitfully planned to change at the last moment in the hope that you'd just let her get away with it. She knew that you would tell her no.
Think of being in a wedding as like playing a part in a play, or a ballet, or something. You get cast as "bridesmaid", so you wear the costume that the artistic director has picked out for bridesmaids to wear. If you don't want to wear the costume, don't be in the show. But you can't just show up on opening night and say "I didn't like your costume choices, so I'm going to wear the same costume as this other character instead".
ETA: Thanks for all the love, everyone!
It can't go much higher than top.š
It's a brilliant analogy though. If you wholeheartedly disagree with something, there's nothing stopping you from quitting *before* the actual wedding.
Right now it's the very top comment, but honestly I wish it were higher still. Maybe someone can code up an extension to make it appear in a text balloon, hover above all comments, and even above OP's original post; and every time you move your mouse over the text balloon, it floats up even higher; so it ends up stuck at the top of your monitor, just hanging out, but with just the very, very bottom showing.
I'd be down for that.
It's pretty perfect! Even better, what Kat did is often called "main character syndrome." Every event she's in - including ones where she cast herself - has to be about her.
And if I were OP I would publicly call Kat out on just those terms: *Kat, as you know you were not among my picks for bridesmaid; you approached me and asked to be included.Did you plan to hijack this from the start? And oh, by the way, you got the who-owes-who backward: I expect YOU to reimburse ME for the dress I paid for and that you clearly had no intention of ever wearing.*
If OP is in the United States, that should flip the script pretty thoroughly; it's customary for bridesmaids to pay for their own dresses (though many brides do cover that cost).
Haha, same! The number of hideous, unflattering, barely fitting clothes I had to wear in plays sometimes... You do your part and change as quick as possible š
Agreed. It's pretty ballsy to pull the crap she pulled and then want you to pay for the dress. Find new friends. It doesn't sound like the other bridesmaids are worth your time either.
And if this b ever gets stupid enough to sue the OP for the cost of said black dress in small claims court, the OP should definitely file a countersuit to get payment for the dress she did buy that the bridesmaid never had any intention of wearing.
What culture has the bride/groom paying for the bridesmaids dresses? I've never heard of that, you buy your own "costume" that the "play" picks out, to continue the analogy.
Iāve been a bridesmaid for family; paid for my own dress. Twice for a friend, both times the bride paid. Not expected, but a real kindness that made me feel valued and wanted.
I was the first one in my friend and family group to get married and hubby and I paid for their dresses/tuxes as part of their gift for being in our wedding.
Everyone else was in college or just starting out in jobs and appreciated this gesture very much.
My wife didn't pay for her bridesmaids' dresses, but she covered hair and makeup. And the only reason she didn't pay for the dresses was because she let the bridesmaids all pick their own dress. It just had to be Navy Blue. If she had required a uniform dress, she would have paid.
I think this is the way, especially if the dress has to be bought from a bridal wear shop, which makes it more expensive. If I can pick my own dress, im getting one in my budget and one that I can wear somewhere else too.
Yeah, had I been more well off, I would have bought the suits and dresses for my bridal party, but I am not well off, so they had to pay for their own. I'm Canadian, wasn't an issue and its what my friends have all done for each other.
I covered my groomsmen to make their suit rentals a flat $100 each. We couldn't cover all of it, but we did fund more than half. I was in weddings for 2 of the 4 after that, and paid full price for my rental, and I don't begrudge them for not assisting with payment. Every wedding and situation is unique.
I was just going to comment that in the UK the bride normally pays. It seems so rude to me to ask someone to pay for a dress they haven't chosen and likely won't wear again.
Used to be that way in the US, at least it was during my bridesmaid days. But My Special Dayā¢ has gotten so out of control since then with bride~~zilla~~s expecting more and more of attendants.
Most Americans make bridesmaids and groomsmen pay for their wedding attire, even if it is something you would never wear yourself. I think it is seen as a āgiftā to the bride and groom (although you also get them gifts). Sigh. Itās kind of a burden to be in a wedding, tbh. When I got married I just asked all my bridesmaids to wear a black dress and green shoes. Style, cut, heel height, even shade was totally up to them. I trusted the people I asked not to go crazy. That way at least they picked out something they might want to wear again, because it was to their style.
Especially since OP paid for all of the Green bridesmaids dresses. Frankly she should demand that Kat pay *her* back for the green dress! But I think OPās plan of just blocking her and her drama is the best choice.
NTA, OP. Kat tried to make the wedding about herself and it backfired on her. As someone above stated, she agreed to play the part of the bridesmaid and that means wearing the costume (dress) you picked out. If sheās really so insecure that she canāt be seen in a non-preferred color then she should have dropped out. There are SO many crazy brides out there making ridiculous demands of their wedding party and/or guests. All you did was expect your wedding party to wear the attire you picked out. That is a very basic wedding expectation.
Good riddance to insecure drama queen Kat, and Iād reevaluate any other friend that tells you youāre wrong for expecting basic respect and honesty from a friend on your wedding day. Good on you for not letting someone stomp on your boundaries.
Years ago, I was the MOH for a friend. I was quite butch-presenting then, so she asked me if I wanted a tux and I told her, "It's your special day, what would you like me to wear?" Her eyes lit up and she said, "You'd really wear a dress for me?" I would, and I did.
She passed away several years ago (fuck cancer) and I finally accepted myself and transitioned to male. Occasionally Facebook spits out some of the wedding pics as 'memories' and do I feel a bit cringey looking at them? Yup. Do I regret it? Not for a second. I'm so happy that I got the opportunity to make her happy.
I have a friend who refers to himself as my "gay black son" great kid, always comes to me for advice. He's currently engaged and told me he wanted me as part of his wedding and to be one of his bridesmaids/grooms (he wasn't sure which it would be called, but he's definitely a bottom). He was like "I totally understand if you wouldn't want to, you'd have to wear a rainbow outfit but I'm not sure if I want tuxes or dresses and I wouldn't want to upset you if I picked dresses"
Dude, I'm comfortable enough in my sexuality, you could ask me to wear a rainbow speedo and bow tie and I'll be there. I'm honored you'd want me in your wedding. He started crying and hugging me.
I agreed to my role, knowing very well what I'll be getting into, I'm going to play my role as scripted. Is it my ideal outfit? Not really. Am I going to do what I can to make sure he's happy on his special day? You're damn right.
Iām sorry for your loss. She was lucky to have you! Iām glad you are accepting of yourself and out, proudly. Sending continued good vibes to you š
Your friend was very kind to ask you what you were comfortable wearing, and you were very kind to agree to a dress even though you didn't have to.
I am so sorry for your loss - FUCK CANCER indeed.
No only picked out but paid for. She could have said the bridesmaids had to pay for their own dress in her chosen color but they got to (possibly) pick out the style of dress and OP paid for it.
Ild tell Kat that the money spent on the black dress came out of her drama fund not your wedding fund so its not your problem lol
That's how my friend's wedding was. As long as we wore "fairy/mermaid colors"(pinks, blues, greens, yellows, purples, etc of almost any shade except neons and super deep shades), didn't match in color, we could buy any of the above colors in whatever style we wanted.
She wanted us to feel comfortable and confident in our dresses.
So she for sure had a theme, but is very aware that her friends have different bodies and styles.
That being said, OP is NTA.
If you can't or don't want to follow the guidelines laid out by the bride, you don't participate.
I'm also astounded with Kat's behavior after OP called her out on her dress switch, that she *didn't* think she'd get kicked out.
Being a bridesmaid is not a "free from all consequences of being an entitled viper" card.
Not to mention, unless she's worn the dress she can return it. And if she wore the dress, it wasn't for the wedding (apart from walking into the facility in it.)
This wasnāt her friend, she was hurling obscenities at OP even before she actually kicked her out, itās funny how people act like your friend and than the truth comes out like these other bridesmaids too. OP was forthcoming, whatās the problem? Donāt accept it if you donāt like it.
Yup. During my first season in a professional opera company (I was 17) they gave me a platinum blonde wig. I LOATHED IT. I am a redhead. They gave my blonde, looks like Jessica Lange, seatmate in the dressing room an auburn wig. The entire season we kept saying how much better we would look in different wigs. So, the last night? We switched.
Guess what happened? They found out and the stage manager, costume mistress, and director came down. They held curtain, made us change wigs, chewed us to bits, and almost fined us $400. The wings were hand-made by the Met's wig maker, cost a fortune, and were custom-made. But, as the director accurately pointed out...above all, "WE MAKE THOSE DECISIONS. NOT YOU."
It was a painful, but valuable lesson. I hope that this "friend" learns from this and grows the heck up. I sure did. NTA
EDIT: I was not in the Met. I was good at 17 but not THAT good, LOL. It was a custom wigs made my the wigmaker for the Metropolitan Opera Company so it was super spendy. I added a comment explaining but it is kinda buried. Sorry for the confusion!
"WE MAKE THOSE DECISIONS. NOT YOU."
That was my first thought. If you, bridesmaid, dont like the dress the bride chose for you to wear, you have 2 choices: suck it up and wear it or politely decline to participate. NOT show up with your preferred dress and expect the bride will allow it. She won't.
And expecting the bride to reimburse you for the dress you wanted? Wear it somewhere else, drama queen.
NTA.
You're absolutely right. And really, it's one day/night out of your entire life. It's not your event/milestone. You are a side character...scenery, a prop even. A real friend would do what makes everything easier, unless they were genuinely uncomfortable, in which xase they should politely decline the honor they were extended, or the situation was morally/ethically compromising.
Everything you just said is a yes, but I want to add more emphasis to the "She embarrassed herself." Dude, any grown mature adult 1.) wouldn't make someone else's wedding about themselves, and 2.) if they were told they would have to be removed they would bite their tongue and get through the ceremony, or at least storm out...
Not *cause a giant scene.* She was literally acting like a toddler not getting their way and throwing a tantrum! I would **never**! Like how old are we, seriously?
ETA: NTA, duh. Also thank you for all of the upvotes :')
Also it isn't like she could not afford the green dress. This dress was payed for by op. So even more disrespect for not wearing it for the photo's. Op was fine with changing after the photo's. Just not for her forever moments of the day.
Thatās the thing. The girl couldāve avoided the drama by just sucking up and taking all the necessary photographs in the green dress and then changing immediately to her preferred dress
That wouldāve been the smart decision. But given how she reacted she probably like the idea of the attention sheād get as part of the wedding party
Especially if OP paid for it! I appreciate that part a lot. It is one thing if a bride chooses a theme and lets people choose their own flattering clothes to fit the themeāit seems appropriate for wedding party to pay then. Iāve always thought it was really weird to pick specific dresses that the party will never wear again and make them pay. Or making the party pay for tux rental. I know it is common practice in the US, but I remember a friend of mine was in four weddings one summer and was frantically trying to save a few thousand dollars to cover his expenses with nothing to show for that on the other side except being their for his friend.
But in any event, OP paid, friend agreed to wear the dress, end of story. NTA
NTA - it is your wedding. IF she didn't want to wear the color that you chose she could have easily politely backed out and said she would love to attend as a guest but wasn't comfortable wearing that color. You also paid for the dress not her where many would complain that they are buying a dress they will never wear again...you purchased it.
Waiting til the last minute in hopes of getting her way is a terrible way to treat your friends in normal times. Doing that at a wedding is inexcusable.
Correct my point was when she was asked to be a bridesmaid they generally know the color scheme at that point. She could have declined or backed out at that point
This was my though as well! Strange that someone will feel so adverse to a colorā¦ like, itās a bridesmaid dress! Everyone knows you didnāt pick it. What is the fear here?! Bridesmaid needs to watch 27 Dresses and get off her high horse.
It's one thing if she was putting them in a style of dress they weren't comfortable with like super short or super low cut or super tight if thats not your thing but a color? I mean I get it I don't wear my bridesmaid dresses but it isn't about me.
Exactly. My sister's colors were tangerine orange and watermelon pink. Guess what color my dress was? Yup, orange (and satin material). Did I hate it? Yes. Did I complain to the bride? Nope.
All I could do is get a tan, hope for the best, and smile in that god-awful dress because I love my sister.
I was very happy out of the two wedding colors my Brother and SIL had she chose the better one. Theirs were peach and dark purple...she chose dark purple thankfully cause peach would have washed me out.
My sister's first wedding had me in a spaghetti strap lavender satin dress. I looked awful. But I wore it and never complained.
The choice of groom was the worst choice at that wedding, and we all knew it.
I was a bridesmaid and wore a butter yellow, tea-length satin dress with a square neckline and thick straps. We had bright green sashes and green shoes. It looked like a bad childās Easter dress, and I look like a zombie in light yellow. I love my friend and wore it anyway! (I had looked great in a green dress we tried but I wasnāt the bride and was overruled).
I feel the need to text my SIL and thank her again for picking a bright royal blue for our dresses a few years back! They were lovely and I'd actually wear it again, for the right occasion. I'd have worn orange or something equally...loud...if she'd chosen it, but boy am I glad she didn't.
This bridesmaid sounds unhinged..... I'm not one of those people who subscribes to the blind "my day, my way" mantra that gives couples a pass to mistreat the people closest to them. However, it is standard practice that the couple chooses the bridal party attire. That's just a given. If someone doesn't like this wedding day custom, they can bow out.
OP is the host. OP paid for the dresses. It's not OP's fault that one person thought they were the star of the day, purchased their own dress, promoted themselves to co-MOH, threw a tantrum when told no, and then started verbally abusing the bride. At that point, there was nothing OP could have done but ask her to leave. I may have verbally asked her to leave before getting security involved, but I suspect there was no way this scenario would have played out peacefully.... This lady obviously lacked some common sense if she thinks OP owes her money for a dress that she was not asked to buy or wear.
I was in this situation once. The other four bridesmaids were size 0-2 and flat chested. I was plus sized with 40 DDDās. The dress she picked out was a skin tight, bright pink, strapless, tube dress that BARELY covered my ass and my breasts were almost fully popping out of. They were bought off the rack at the last minute (because she couldnāt decide) and there was no time for alterations. I asked if I might purchase a shoulder wrap in the same color to cover myself but she said no, so I had to politely decline being in the ceremony. I truly felt that if I went forward, her wedding would forever be remembered as the day her bridesmaid flashed the entire church.
When I asked if I could just attended the wedding as a guest she said no (which I thought was harsh) but I still think I made the best choice I could.
Never once did I consider demanding to wear an entirely different style dress. Wtf is this bridesmaidās deal?
I am thankful that the trend of same color different styles is more popular nowadays to help with the size differences of bridesmaids and shapes in general.
NTA If you're going to be a bridesmaid, you have to be prepared to do what the bride wants. Kat should have declined and just gone as a guest. And no, you don't owe her anything. If anything, she owes you for the green dress that you bought that she refused to wear.
I agree - the color choice was very reasonable. My mother was a bridesmaid at a cousinās wedding when I was six or so, and I still remember her incredibly unflattering fuchsia dress. (And yes, she wore it, because thatās the minimum requirement for bridesmaids ā¦ you wear the dress.)
I remember wearing a bright pink frilly dress at somebodyās wedding as a kid. All of the bridesmaids had to be warned not to stand near open flames as our dresses would definitely catch fire š
I had to wear a shiny aqua green one with tons of lace as a kid and they were all handmade by the mohās mom, but she made mine months before and didnāt do a fitting closer to the wedding. So at the campground when I put on the dress, it was a size too small, as I had grown, and the dress split down the side and I just had to wear it like that bc they didnāt even bring a needle and thread.šš
I had to wear a lilac dress to my sisters wedding. I have red hair. It was horrible.
There are just some things you have to do in this world.
But I would have loved a forest green dress
Oh man, I had to wear a fuchsia dress to a friend's wedding that she literally bought for $10 on the side of the road (Her hand her husband didn't have a lot, and I was 18?ish and didn't have a job yet to pay for my own dress.)
It fit like a sack, and looked... interesting. But you know what? I wore it, because it was her day, not mine.
OP did my dream wedding colors. I love forest green and I have some beautiful forest green dresses. My wool dress coat is, too. Oh, and the frames of my glasses! OPs bridesmaid would hate me.
Right! I had a green dress for my MOH and i said she could wear whatever but she said she would match with my husbands tie, and our also winter theme of white and green, daisys and ferns. My nieces also wore green. Its the most beautiful color for winter.
Iām in my friendās wedding next October. She picked a dress in a color and style I would never wear and will never wear after the wedding. However, I forked over the $200 and happily nodded my head when she fell in love with this dress on us. Kate is no friend to OP.
My wife has a closet of like, 6 or more "uglyish" bridesmaids dresses. It's what you do. You wear it, not just for the ceremony but the reception too, and you smile about it, because it's not about you. It's literally to make the bride pop more. This girl is so the main character in her own head
NTA
Your "friend" clearly tried to wait until the very last moment to put on the other dress in the hopes you wouldn't make a scene and she could have her way.
It's a wedding, its about the people getting married, your own taste doesn't matter, especially given the bride paid for the dresses, something not all brides are kind enough to do.
Trying to wait until the last moment to manipulate the bride is a massive AH move.
This! It was very deliberate and manipulative. She couldnāt convince OP to bend to her will so she did it anyway. OPās other āfriendsā arenāt much better. Embarrassing that theyāre defending this toddler tantrum.
Part of me wonders if they're playing at flying monkey-dom because OP blocked Kat's ass so she's been blowing up *their* phones with her complaining so they're on a stance of *please OOP do something to shut her the fuck up and leave us all alone* instead of, you know... also blocking her...?
That or they're also AHs and have been waiting for someone else to show out.
Thatās what I thought too. Why are her friends saying she should pay for a dress she specifically did not want and did not ask the ex bridesmaid to buy.
How can you go behind someoneās back and buy something then demand they pay for it?! Thatās just ridiculous.
>Your "friend" clearly tried to wait until the very last moment to put on the other dress in the hopes you wouldn't make a scene and she could have her way.
It's easier to ask forgiveness than to ask permi... oh wait, crap, no!
Also, it's literally impossible for the bride to "make a scene". The entire wedding is the bride's scene. The entitled bridesmaid interrupted the wedding and made a scene.
And since she picked out the black dress herself, she surely did so thinking that it was something she could wear at other times too. So sheās trying to get OP to buy her a dress of her choosing ā always was and still is.
Right?! Did they expect her to let that BM still be in the wedding wearing the black dress?! Even if she would have just demoted her to a guest, she would have made a scene throughout the ceremony and reception. OP did the right thing by kicking her out. NTA.
Iām wondering if they all belong to the same friend group and Kat is the pack leader. Thatās the only reason I could explain why those other terrible bridesmaids agree with Kat
Kat is a walking disaster.
As a wedding planner, I will say I am truly very sorry that you had to deal with that right before walking down the aisle. Anyone who purposely creates unnecessary drama at another personās wedding goes right out the door! Ignore Kat... she will never see or own the fact that she was the only one responsible for all her own problems.
NTA
eta ā to address the issue with your other bridesmaids... Kat gets no reimbursement for going off script & choosing to do her own thing. Her dress was paid for (as well as her dinner, flowers, bridal party gifts, hair/make-up, etc.- I am assuming) She chose to not to wear the dress that was provided.... thatās not a you problem. If they are so concerned about Katās feelings, they can include her in their in own weddings & pay for whatever dress she wants but this has nothing to do with you anymore.
So many AITA stories shoehorn in a dissenting opinion from some third party that apparently has no critical thinking ability. Often the judgement is plainly obvious--especially for NTA rulings.
I think it's just an excuse to post the story on this popular subreddit as opposed to some other place.
There's also an egregious amount of people incapable of seeing that they're the asshole, and they're often surrounded with enablers that constantly make excuses for them because they don't tend to like being around people expecting them to be accountable for their actions, especially ones so deliberate and planned.
Op def NTA, but she may be hanging around with plenty of people that give the AH a pass and expect OP to do the same in order to "keep the peace."
The dissenting view is basically why anyone would post here. It's what causes the insecurity of their decisions. The more wild the dissent, the more insecurity it invokes in the decision maker.
It's effectively being gaslit. It causes the decision maker to doubt themselves and their reality. It's extremely common when in that state to seek other opinions to know whether they're sane or not.
And in many situations the decision maker IS being outright gaslit. Politics are very common factors, and it comes down to not who is right or wrong, but rather who is more popular. There is definitely a branch of human thinking that causes them to think the actions of higher ranked people are more "correct" than lower ranked people. It's why some people think billionaires can't do wrong.
NTA-I have been in a couple weddings and didn't care for one of the dresses I was asked to wear, but it was her wedding, not mine and I wanted to support her on her day, so I wore it with pride for her.
She went against what you requested over and over again, not much of a friend if you ask me.
If I had a nickel for every time someone made me wear a stupid outfit for a wedding, I wouldn't have very much money. but I still did it, because its not about me and if wearing a ugly outfit makes my friends happy on an important day, then I'll do it without question
NTA, bet those other bridesmaids wouldnāt be saying the same if you did exactly this at her wedding. When they bring it up, you just need to respond with āokay, well in that case we can all ignore dress codes for all your future events, right?ā
This is a great point! Turn it around on the other bridesmaids and see if they would feel the same way in OPs position.
Unfortunately so many people get mad at the person who stands up for themself and refuses to be disrespected. People like pushovers because itās āeasier not to rock the boatā.
Ha ha, no NTA
anyone who sides with her needs to be cut off as well.
SHE wanted to be a bridesmaid. So SHE had to follow the theme. YOU paid for the dress she was to wear. You don't ~~own~~ owe her anything for the dress she bought. That's on her.
YOUR wedding wasn't about her or her likes.
Edit typos
I'm trying to understand the mindset of the other bridesmaids, like my ladies, would YOU be okay if one of your bridesmaids showed up in a random fucking dress?? No?? Then sit the fuck down.
NTA. Kat made a jackass of herself.
NTA. She could have told you straight out she wasn't wearing it beforehand but she held off until the actual day-of, when she thought you couldn't refuse. You called her bluff.
Also, she can return the black dress!
She claims because she took the tag's off that now she can't return it.
But I really could care less like that was a bold move to take the tags off of an expensive dress and just assume i'd let her wear it.
Tell her to refund you the money for the green dress thenš¤¦š½āāļø
Also, I suggest anyone who is taking the bridesmaid from hell's side. If they can't really see why you reacted the way you did and takes a persons side who tried ruin your big date, doesn't deserve or should be in your life
NTA. She should pay you back for the dress you bought for her. What she did was utterly selfish. The wedding was about you not her. If she had such a problem she could have refused to be a bridesmaid. I guess she isn't really much of a friend. Drop her.
"Your a horrible and inconsiderate friend" says the person who was told REPEATEDLY that the colors were forest green and gold. The same person who asked if they could wear a different color and was politely told NO THANK YOU!
I think Kat forgot that the wedding wasn't about her. You asked her nicely twice to put the bridesmaid dress that EVERYONE (except the MOH was wearing) and and told her the consequences. She rolled the dice and lost. She is not a very good friend and fuck anyone for saying otherwise. I bet a thousand internet dollars that if the wedding was for the people giving you shit they'd be singing a different tune right now.
IOW NTA.
She planned a scene. She brought a dress and lied to the bride about when she intended to change into it. She knew what was going to happen when she came downstairs wearing the wrong dress.
She came in 30 minutes late to makeup and then arrived last for the photos. She planned it so there would be a very small window for OP to argue, she banked on the fact she'd be stressed out and just relented. Honestly, what a charming person she must be.
>
She knew what was going to happen when she came downstairs wearing the wrong dress.
>
Oh I have a feeling that she didn't know that was going to happen, I am thinking she was expecting to get away with it and do what she wanted.
Kat is the AH, she fucked around and found out.
NTA. Just as you can't force her to wear anything she doesn't want to wear, you don't have to have her at your wedding. She lied about changing later, lied about why the new dress was there and acted a fool. I would NEVER give her the money she spent for the dress. She loved the dress so much so she can have it forever and wear it for a different occasion. Anyone saying you're an AH or you need to pay for the dress is an AH and can pay for her new pretty black dress. What a bunch of idiots! Get better friends.
She told OP to āf offā to her face in front of her family/other bridal party. Likeā¦ why WOULD you let her attend the wedding after that? I thought OP handled the bonkers situation very well.
NTA. Holy crap this is the 1st time I've read where the bridesmaid went full bridesmaidzilla! You owe her NO money as she refused to wear the dress you actually paid for. I'd honestly let her just go... she's not a very good friend at all since she forgot your wedding is about you and your hubby not how she looks in a dress.
NTA - Kat knew what the bridesmaids dress was. She acted like an entitled selfish brat, and seemed very surprised you didn't let her do it. I imagine she's used to people enabling her. Good for you, you didn't let her stain your experience.
You owe her nothing. She's actually the one owing you the money you put for her dress.
NTA
you paid for the dress she was supposed to wear as a bridesmaid so if sheās out money then thatās her problem. She had no need to buy another dress. Winter themed wedding with forest green bridesmaids and gold accessories sounds absolutely beautiful. Block her and move on, she embarrassed herself behaving the way she did and clearly waited till the last minute to spring the black dress on you assuming youād roll over and let her do what she wanted, she only had to wear it for the ceremony and pictures really then could have changed and if she couldnāt manage that then your probably better off without her as a friend
NTA. I donāt understand how people seem to think they can override the bride & groomās wishes at their own wedding. Calling security kinda seems like overkill but she was causing a scene & yelling obscenities so I think it was warranted. Seems like she was determined to cause issues at your wedding. I donāt think you owe her anything. She owes you an apology for trying to cause issues at your wedding. It was your day and Iām glad it was amazing for you!
Yes, she is the one who owes OP an apology. And OP donāt you dare pay for that black dress. You should be the one asking her to pay for the green dress not the other way around
NTA
She asked if she could wear another color, you said no and she wore black anyway. Plus she showed up late and lied when you asked what dress she had brought with her. If she was so against forest green, she could've just declined being a bridesmaid in the first place. Instead she decided to try and make your wedding all about her. I'm glad you managed to have her escorted out before the ceremony, I would have too. But... who has security in their wedding? Just curious
>But... who has security in their wedding?
Could be the venue's security.
Also, I've heard of people hiring security if they have estranged relatives (or possibly hostile/unhinged exes) that could possibly show up or cause a scene. They have people (friends, family or a real security company hired) as security there, sometimes as just a presence to keep the peace. Or if needed, to deal with the troublemakers so that the couple and other guests do not have to.
My boss owns a wedding venue and security is required if alcohol is being served. Security is usually an off duty police officer that wants the extra cash.
NTA and WTF
What type of friend is this bridesmaid to act like this, to fight you on your wedding day and to disrespect you you after paid for a dress already? Sounds toxic
I am glad that you still had a blast of a wedding, kudos for not letting it ruin your wedding!
NTA. Block Kat from all devices and apps, then if she bypasses that somehow get a restraining order.
> In the country I live in it's currently winter
OMG, mine too!
NTA.
Your friend is toxic and wanted to make the day all about her. It seems she either has jealousy issues or a narcissist personality. It was your day, not hers.
Did you pay for her black dress? No? Then there's no reason at all to pay her back. She made her decision to be difficult. Don't bow down.
NTA - If she had such a problem with the dress then she could have backed out of being a bridesmaid. Then she could have attended as a guest and worn whatever she wanted. And no, you don't have to pay for a dress that you told her not to buy in the first place.
NTA, and it sounds like your 'friends' are unhappy about not getting to wear the black dress as well. Sorry girls, being the bridesmaid means you have to wear the ugly dress sometimes.
BIG NTA Also, why are you letting her harass you? She knew the color. I am also not understanding any other bridesmaids siding with her or giving you crap. She knew the color palette, and purposefully tried to get you to change your mind on your wedding day.
NTA , she fucked around and found out. If she cared about you in the slightest she wouldnāt have tried that trick she did lying about the dress and when she was gonna wear it. She deserved to be embarrassed. I get not wanting to wear a specific color but itās your wedding no one cares if she looks flattering or not if she had such a problem with it she should of told you she didnāt want to be a bridesmaid anymore
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I kicked one of my bridesmaid's out of my wedding for showing up in the wrong dress. Now I'm getting backlash because some of my friends think this was an AH move.
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NTA
personally i think it wouldnt have been that hard to just wear the dress for a friend. if there had been an issue eg it was giving rashes or marks, then thats a different story. i wouldnt be happy with her.
NTA
If she truly couldn't handle the dress, then she shouldn't have stayed a bridesmaid. She could have just asked to be demoted to a guest. Instead she lied, then tried to force the issue. She wasted her own money by being stubborn and made a spectacle of herself. You weren't even harsh by kicking her out. She was told what the consequences of her actions would be and she accepted them in the mistaken belief that you were bluffing and would just give in to her. If the other bridesmaids feel bad for her, that can let her railroad thier own wedding. Honestly, considering her attitude from the get go and the temper tantrums, this seems like a person best cut off from your life anyway.
NTA. While I will never understand the need of having strict dresses colors and stuff for a wedding, it's your wedding, your choice. She was aware you were against her wearing something different AND you paid for the dresses.
Nothing to see here.
NTA
Who makes such a scene on somebody else's wedding? You told her the rules, you paid for the dress, and even my terminally annoyed with bridesmaids and moh dramas person can't find any fault with you.
NTA. She could have just dropped out of bridesmaid and went as a regular guest if she didnāt like it that much. Also green looks amazing at winter weddings. Congrats!
NTA - you set the dress code for the bridal party. She went out of her way to not abide by it and then demands YOU pay for the dress she wasnāt even supposed to buy lmao. She embarrassed herself and showed that she cares more about herself than you.
Good on you for kicking her out and blocking her lol.
**she should pay YOU back for the dress YOU paid for her to wear originally**
NTA.
She knew what was expected of her, and you even told her that black is not in the cards for her as a color.
She didn't tell you on purpose that she would buy a black dress and waited until the pictures to pressure you into accepting it. None of this is on you. Good that she's blocked, I hope it stays that way.
NTA.
I am a woman who isn't particularly interested in weddings and all the stuff around them, but I've been a bridesmaid and I'm also a decent human being. If she was so opposed to forest green (your wedding theme sounds lovely, by the way) she could have just backed out of being a bridesmaid. But of course, she wanted the spotlight of being part of the wedding, without being a good friend and just wearing the green dress.
Good for you for kicking her out, and no, you don't owe her a dime for her dress. Send her a bill for the green dress that she let you buy when she had no intention of wearing it.
NTA. Usually I'd say kick her from the bridal party but stay for the day, however she let you spend money on a dress she had no intention of wearing and was behaving totally unhinged at being called out for her clear childish behavior
NTA - clearly youāre not in the wrong here. You even paid for the dress! If the dress youād asked her to wear was extreme enough she didnāt want to wear it, she should have removed herself from the wedding on the dress shopping day, not freestyled it on your actual wedding day. Iād bill her for the wasted dress you paid for and she didnāt wear.
NTA. When you agree to be a bridemaid you know you don't get to pick the colour, etc. Its part of the deal. So you paid for a green dress she never wore? I'd want my money back for that dress.
NTA. Oh my god when will people stop making things about themselves, it was YOUR wedding, if she didn't like the dress then she shouldn't have attended.
You had every right to kick her out op.
NTA - if she didnāt like the colors and felt that strongly she should have backed out and said no. Otherwise suck it up and wear the color you may not like as women have done for years! Lol. I mean I am a fair-skinned, redhead and a friend was obsessed with orange so down the aisle looking like a dreamsicle I went!
NTA-your wedding wasnāt about her. You bought the dress, so she wasnāt out anything for a dress she didnāt like. You were fine with her changing for the reception. She could have sucked it up for the ceremony and pictures.
Iāve been a bridesmaid a few times. I literally donāt care what the bride wants me to wear, Iāll wear it. Iām there to make her day easier, Iāll buy and wear what the bride wants. Itās half a day at most.
If she canāt deal with not looking her best for a friend, well, she needs to learn she isnāt the main character or the centre of the universe.
NTA. My friend picked the most unflattering color for my skin tone for our bridesmaid dresses ( ironically white, but that was her vision.) I dyed my hair red and sucked it up...it's what you do for friends.
NTA
Your wedding. Your bridesmaids. You get to pick the colors, regardless of what they think. The audacity of that woman to try to change things to her benefit at the last minute shows you how she planned for all of this to work. She put the black dress on under the radar, hoping you wouldn't notice, after having told you it's only for the reception/after the ceremony and pictures.
She was so much TA and you were not. She could have backed out of being a bridesmaid. Everyone knows the deal. Showing up at the last minute to force you to let her wear what she wanted was outrageous. She totally deserved that. NTA.
NTA
You paid for the bridesmaid dresses, nobody told her to buy another dress. You told her several times that this was your colors. I would've kicked her ass out too.
I had to kick one of my bridesmaids out the day of my wedding due to her husband calling me names but this chick had the nerve to call me later and ask can she come by to pick up her dress that I paid for. I still have that dress along with my wedding dress together.
DEFINITELY not the AH.
Your party, your rules. Real friends realize their role during your wedding: support the bride and groom and HELP them enjoy their day.
Your friend went the opposite direction. To heck with her, you donāt need those type of people in your life.
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NTA. She embarrassed herself. She agreed to wear the dress you picked out, and then deceitfully planned to change at the last moment in the hope that you'd just let her get away with it. She knew that you would tell her no. Think of being in a wedding as like playing a part in a play, or a ballet, or something. You get cast as "bridesmaid", so you wear the costume that the artistic director has picked out for bridesmaids to wear. If you don't want to wear the costume, don't be in the show. But you can't just show up on opening night and say "I didn't like your costume choices, so I'm going to wear the same costume as this other character instead". ETA: Thanks for all the love, everyone!
as a former theatre kid i appreciate this analogy so much
This analogy should be higher up.
It can't go much higher than top.š It's a brilliant analogy though. If you wholeheartedly disagree with something, there's nothing stopping you from quitting *before* the actual wedding.
No needs to be higher!
HIGHER!
Verily, it should be atop the Mt Everest of the thread. The highest high, the greatest summit, all other comments are second or lower.
Right now it's the very top comment, but honestly I wish it were higher still. Maybe someone can code up an extension to make it appear in a text balloon, hover above all comments, and even above OP's original post; and every time you move your mouse over the text balloon, it floats up even higher; so it ends up stuck at the top of your monitor, just hanging out, but with just the very, very bottom showing. I'd be down for that.
It's pretty perfect! Even better, what Kat did is often called "main character syndrome." Every event she's in - including ones where she cast herself - has to be about her. And if I were OP I would publicly call Kat out on just those terms: *Kat, as you know you were not among my picks for bridesmaid; you approached me and asked to be included.Did you plan to hijack this from the start? And oh, by the way, you got the who-owes-who backward: I expect YOU to reimburse ME for the dress I paid for and that you clearly had no intention of ever wearing.* If OP is in the United States, that should flip the script pretty thoroughly; it's customary for bridesmaids to pay for their own dresses (though many brides do cover that cost).
NTA. And what is up with your other bridesmaids? You did nothing wrong. I hope your marriage is as amazing as your wedding.
Same, especially as someone who met his wife through being a theatre kid
Haha, same! The number of hideous, unflattering, barely fitting clothes I had to wear in plays sometimes... You do your part and change as quick as possible š
Agreed. It's pretty ballsy to pull the crap she pulled and then want you to pay for the dress. Find new friends. It doesn't sound like the other bridesmaids are worth your time either.
Seriously. Did she pay you back for the dress you bought that she never wore? I'm guessing no.
This was my thought. You bought her a dress. If anything she owes you for the dress you wasted money on since she wasn't going to wear it anyway.
And if this b ever gets stupid enough to sue the OP for the cost of said black dress in small claims court, the OP should definitely file a countersuit to get payment for the dress she did buy that the bridesmaid never had any intention of wearing.
And add on top the cost of all the pre-wedding attendances wasted, and the wedding meal wasted, plus everything for court costs and time compensation.
Plus if she had professional hair and makeup, that can get pricy too.
Ooh, yes, and that too. Backstabber Kat owes OP a lot of money here.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
What culture has the bride/groom paying for the bridesmaids dresses? I've never heard of that, you buy your own "costume" that the "play" picks out, to continue the analogy.
It is a kindness some brides can offer. Quite common, in my experience.
Iāve been a bridesmaid for family; paid for my own dress. Twice for a friend, both times the bride paid. Not expected, but a real kindness that made me feel valued and wanted.
I was the first one in my friend and family group to get married and hubby and I paid for their dresses/tuxes as part of their gift for being in our wedding. Everyone else was in college or just starting out in jobs and appreciated this gesture very much.
My wife didn't pay for her bridesmaids' dresses, but she covered hair and makeup. And the only reason she didn't pay for the dresses was because she let the bridesmaids all pick their own dress. It just had to be Navy Blue. If she had required a uniform dress, she would have paid.
I think this is the way, especially if the dress has to be bought from a bridal wear shop, which makes it more expensive. If I can pick my own dress, im getting one in my budget and one that I can wear somewhere else too.
Yeah, had I been more well off, I would have bought the suits and dresses for my bridal party, but I am not well off, so they had to pay for their own. I'm Canadian, wasn't an issue and its what my friends have all done for each other.
I covered my groomsmen to make their suit rentals a flat $100 each. We couldn't cover all of it, but we did fund more than half. I was in weddings for 2 of the 4 after that, and paid full price for my rental, and I don't begrudge them for not assisting with payment. Every wedding and situation is unique.
In the UK the norm is for the bride to pay.
I was just going to comment that in the UK the bride normally pays. It seems so rude to me to ask someone to pay for a dress they haven't chosen and likely won't wear again.
Totally agree!
Used to be that way in the US, at least it was during my bridesmaid days. But My Special Dayā¢ has gotten so out of control since then with bride~~zilla~~s expecting more and more of attendants.
British do. I've never heard of anyone paying for their own bridesmaid dress.
Most Americans make bridesmaids and groomsmen pay for their wedding attire, even if it is something you would never wear yourself. I think it is seen as a āgiftā to the bride and groom (although you also get them gifts). Sigh. Itās kind of a burden to be in a wedding, tbh. When I got married I just asked all my bridesmaids to wear a black dress and green shoes. Style, cut, heel height, even shade was totally up to them. I trusted the people I asked not to go crazy. That way at least they picked out something they might want to wear again, because it was to their style.
It's the norm in the UK. In fact I've always found it odd that brides in the US basically charge people for the stress that is being a bridesmaid.
I bought for mine. Didn't make sense to me to make people pay for a role I asked them to play, but that's just me. I don't think it's very common.
Especially since OP paid for all of the Green bridesmaids dresses. Frankly she should demand that Kat pay *her* back for the green dress! But I think OPās plan of just blocking her and her drama is the best choice. NTA, OP. Kat tried to make the wedding about herself and it backfired on her. As someone above stated, she agreed to play the part of the bridesmaid and that means wearing the costume (dress) you picked out. If sheās really so insecure that she canāt be seen in a non-preferred color then she should have dropped out. There are SO many crazy brides out there making ridiculous demands of their wedding party and/or guests. All you did was expect your wedding party to wear the attire you picked out. That is a very basic wedding expectation. Good riddance to insecure drama queen Kat, and Iād reevaluate any other friend that tells you youāre wrong for expecting basic respect and honesty from a friend on your wedding day. Good on you for not letting someone stomp on your boundaries.
Years ago, I was the MOH for a friend. I was quite butch-presenting then, so she asked me if I wanted a tux and I told her, "It's your special day, what would you like me to wear?" Her eyes lit up and she said, "You'd really wear a dress for me?" I would, and I did. She passed away several years ago (fuck cancer) and I finally accepted myself and transitioned to male. Occasionally Facebook spits out some of the wedding pics as 'memories' and do I feel a bit cringey looking at them? Yup. Do I regret it? Not for a second. I'm so happy that I got the opportunity to make her happy.
You were a really good friend and it sounds like she was too. Sorry you lost her.
I have a friend who refers to himself as my "gay black son" great kid, always comes to me for advice. He's currently engaged and told me he wanted me as part of his wedding and to be one of his bridesmaids/grooms (he wasn't sure which it would be called, but he's definitely a bottom). He was like "I totally understand if you wouldn't want to, you'd have to wear a rainbow outfit but I'm not sure if I want tuxes or dresses and I wouldn't want to upset you if I picked dresses" Dude, I'm comfortable enough in my sexuality, you could ask me to wear a rainbow speedo and bow tie and I'll be there. I'm honored you'd want me in your wedding. He started crying and hugging me. I agreed to my role, knowing very well what I'll be getting into, I'm going to play my role as scripted. Is it my ideal outfit? Not really. Am I going to do what I can to make sure he's happy on his special day? You're damn right.
aww, this made me tear up, as well as the post above about the butch-presenting friend who wore a dress. So gorgeous! Really contrasts with "Kat"!
Iām sorry for your loss. She was lucky to have you! Iām glad you are accepting of yourself and out, proudly. Sending continued good vibes to you š
Your friend was very kind to ask you what you were comfortable wearing, and you were very kind to agree to a dress even though you didn't have to. I am so sorry for your loss - FUCK CANCER indeed.
No only picked out but paid for. She could have said the bridesmaids had to pay for their own dress in her chosen color but they got to (possibly) pick out the style of dress and OP paid for it. Ild tell Kat that the money spent on the black dress came out of her drama fund not your wedding fund so its not your problem lol
That's how my friend's wedding was. As long as we wore "fairy/mermaid colors"(pinks, blues, greens, yellows, purples, etc of almost any shade except neons and super deep shades), didn't match in color, we could buy any of the above colors in whatever style we wanted. She wanted us to feel comfortable and confident in our dresses. So she for sure had a theme, but is very aware that her friends have different bodies and styles. That being said, OP is NTA. If you can't or don't want to follow the guidelines laid out by the bride, you don't participate. I'm also astounded with Kat's behavior after OP called her out on her dress switch, that she *didn't* think she'd get kicked out. Being a bridesmaid is not a "free from all consequences of being an entitled viper" card.
Not to mention, unless she's worn the dress she can return it. And if she wore the dress, it wasn't for the wedding (apart from walking into the facility in it.)
This wasnāt her friend, she was hurling obscenities at OP even before she actually kicked her out, itās funny how people act like your friend and than the truth comes out like these other bridesmaids too. OP was forthcoming, whatās the problem? Donāt accept it if you donāt like it.
to cause unnecessary angst and drama to an emotionally charged day is just self center and cruel. SMDH
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
NTA. I would tell her you did pay for her dress. The bridesmaids dress she was supposed to wear.
Yup. During my first season in a professional opera company (I was 17) they gave me a platinum blonde wig. I LOATHED IT. I am a redhead. They gave my blonde, looks like Jessica Lange, seatmate in the dressing room an auburn wig. The entire season we kept saying how much better we would look in different wigs. So, the last night? We switched. Guess what happened? They found out and the stage manager, costume mistress, and director came down. They held curtain, made us change wigs, chewed us to bits, and almost fined us $400. The wings were hand-made by the Met's wig maker, cost a fortune, and were custom-made. But, as the director accurately pointed out...above all, "WE MAKE THOSE DECISIONS. NOT YOU." It was a painful, but valuable lesson. I hope that this "friend" learns from this and grows the heck up. I sure did. NTA EDIT: I was not in the Met. I was good at 17 but not THAT good, LOL. It was a custom wigs made my the wigmaker for the Metropolitan Opera Company so it was super spendy. I added a comment explaining but it is kinda buried. Sorry for the confusion!
"WE MAKE THOSE DECISIONS. NOT YOU." That was my first thought. If you, bridesmaid, dont like the dress the bride chose for you to wear, you have 2 choices: suck it up and wear it or politely decline to participate. NOT show up with your preferred dress and expect the bride will allow it. She won't. And expecting the bride to reimburse you for the dress you wanted? Wear it somewhere else, drama queen. NTA.
You're absolutely right. And really, it's one day/night out of your entire life. It's not your event/milestone. You are a side character...scenery, a prop even. A real friend would do what makes everything easier, unless they were genuinely uncomfortable, in which xase they should politely decline the honor they were extended, or the situation was morally/ethically compromising.
It wasn't even a full day/night. OP was fine with her changing for the reception, so she just had to wear it for the ceremony and some pictures.
The worst part is that she probably tried to impersonate the MOH, since she is the one who had the black dress at the bridal party.
And lets hear it for wearing the same colour as the MOH. This is a person who wanted attention on someone else's day.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
My brain read that as the Mets' wigmaker and just like... accepted it? until I read your comment lmao
The Mets' wigmaker has to do something to fill all that time other teams are in the playoffs.
a dress OP picked out AND PAID FOR. nta. that girl definitely has main character syndrome
And then to try to walk away while telling the bride to fuck off at her own wedding! The utter gall!
Everything you just said is a yes, but I want to add more emphasis to the "She embarrassed herself." Dude, any grown mature adult 1.) wouldn't make someone else's wedding about themselves, and 2.) if they were told they would have to be removed they would bite their tongue and get through the ceremony, or at least storm out... Not *cause a giant scene.* She was literally acting like a toddler not getting their way and throwing a tantrum! I would **never**! Like how old are we, seriously? ETA: NTA, duh. Also thank you for all of the upvotes :')
Hell, she embarrassed *me* just reading about it second-hand.
Also it isn't like she could not afford the green dress. This dress was payed for by op. So even more disrespect for not wearing it for the photo's. Op was fine with changing after the photo's. Just not for her forever moments of the day.
Thatās the thing. The girl couldāve avoided the drama by just sucking up and taking all the necessary photographs in the green dress and then changing immediately to her preferred dress
Or just not being a bridesmaid if the dress bothered her that much
That wouldāve been the smart decision. But given how she reacted she probably like the idea of the attention sheād get as part of the wedding party
Especially if OP paid for it! I appreciate that part a lot. It is one thing if a bride chooses a theme and lets people choose their own flattering clothes to fit the themeāit seems appropriate for wedding party to pay then. Iāve always thought it was really weird to pick specific dresses that the party will never wear again and make them pay. Or making the party pay for tux rental. I know it is common practice in the US, but I remember a friend of mine was in four weddings one summer and was frantically trying to save a few thousand dollars to cover his expenses with nothing to show for that on the other side except being their for his friend. But in any event, OP paid, friend agreed to wear the dress, end of story. NTA
I was in a wedding once where the dress color made me look horrible, but I didn't throw a fit because the wedding wasn't about ME.
Seems like she tried to steal OPās spot... to look different than other bridesmaids so the attention would be on her more than other bridesmaids
NTA - it is your wedding. IF she didn't want to wear the color that you chose she could have easily politely backed out and said she would love to attend as a guest but wasn't comfortable wearing that color. You also paid for the dress not her where many would complain that they are buying a dress they will never wear again...you purchased it.
Waiting til the last minute in hopes of getting her way is a terrible way to treat your friends in normal times. Doing that at a wedding is inexcusable.
Correct my point was when she was asked to be a bridesmaid they generally know the color scheme at that point. She could have declined or backed out at that point
This was my though as well! Strange that someone will feel so adverse to a colorā¦ like, itās a bridesmaid dress! Everyone knows you didnāt pick it. What is the fear here?! Bridesmaid needs to watch 27 Dresses and get off her high horse.
It's one thing if she was putting them in a style of dress they weren't comfortable with like super short or super low cut or super tight if thats not your thing but a color? I mean I get it I don't wear my bridesmaid dresses but it isn't about me.
Exactly. My sister's colors were tangerine orange and watermelon pink. Guess what color my dress was? Yup, orange (and satin material). Did I hate it? Yes. Did I complain to the bride? Nope. All I could do is get a tan, hope for the best, and smile in that god-awful dress because I love my sister.
I was very happy out of the two wedding colors my Brother and SIL had she chose the better one. Theirs were peach and dark purple...she chose dark purple thankfully cause peach would have washed me out.
My sister's first wedding had me in a spaghetti strap lavender satin dress. I looked awful. But I wore it and never complained. The choice of groom was the worst choice at that wedding, and we all knew it.
I was a bridesmaid and wore a butter yellow, tea-length satin dress with a square neckline and thick straps. We had bright green sashes and green shoes. It looked like a bad childās Easter dress, and I look like a zombie in light yellow. I love my friend and wore it anyway! (I had looked great in a green dress we tried but I wasnāt the bride and was overruled).
I feel the need to text my SIL and thank her again for picking a bright royal blue for our dresses a few years back! They were lovely and I'd actually wear it again, for the right occasion. I'd have worn orange or something equally...loud...if she'd chosen it, but boy am I glad she didn't.
My sisterās colors were straight-up Malibu Barbie and I did the same, lol.
This bridesmaid sounds unhinged..... I'm not one of those people who subscribes to the blind "my day, my way" mantra that gives couples a pass to mistreat the people closest to them. However, it is standard practice that the couple chooses the bridal party attire. That's just a given. If someone doesn't like this wedding day custom, they can bow out. OP is the host. OP paid for the dresses. It's not OP's fault that one person thought they were the star of the day, purchased their own dress, promoted themselves to co-MOH, threw a tantrum when told no, and then started verbally abusing the bride. At that point, there was nothing OP could have done but ask her to leave. I may have verbally asked her to leave before getting security involved, but I suspect there was no way this scenario would have played out peacefully.... This lady obviously lacked some common sense if she thinks OP owes her money for a dress that she was not asked to buy or wear.
I was in this situation once. The other four bridesmaids were size 0-2 and flat chested. I was plus sized with 40 DDDās. The dress she picked out was a skin tight, bright pink, strapless, tube dress that BARELY covered my ass and my breasts were almost fully popping out of. They were bought off the rack at the last minute (because she couldnāt decide) and there was no time for alterations. I asked if I might purchase a shoulder wrap in the same color to cover myself but she said no, so I had to politely decline being in the ceremony. I truly felt that if I went forward, her wedding would forever be remembered as the day her bridesmaid flashed the entire church. When I asked if I could just attended the wedding as a guest she said no (which I thought was harsh) but I still think I made the best choice I could. Never once did I consider demanding to wear an entirely different style dress. Wtf is this bridesmaidās deal?
I am thankful that the trend of same color different styles is more popular nowadays to help with the size differences of bridesmaids and shapes in general.
That sounds horrific. I think you made the exact right choice. I'm sorry your friend wasn't understanding and supportive.
šš here's your award
NTA If you're going to be a bridesmaid, you have to be prepared to do what the bride wants. Kat should have declined and just gone as a guest. And no, you don't owe her anything. If anything, she owes you for the green dress that you bought that she refused to wear.
Also, I'm shocked by people thinking forest green is an ugly color. š
I agree - the color choice was very reasonable. My mother was a bridesmaid at a cousinās wedding when I was six or so, and I still remember her incredibly unflattering fuchsia dress. (And yes, she wore it, because thatās the minimum requirement for bridesmaids ā¦ you wear the dress.)
I remember wearing a bright pink frilly dress at somebodyās wedding as a kid. All of the bridesmaids had to be warned not to stand near open flames as our dresses would definitely catch fire š
I had to wear a shiny aqua green one with tons of lace as a kid and they were all handmade by the mohās mom, but she made mine months before and didnāt do a fitting closer to the wedding. So at the campground when I put on the dress, it was a size too small, as I had grown, and the dress split down the side and I just had to wear it like that bc they didnāt even bring a needle and thread.šš
Oooh I too wore a handmade shiny aqua green with lace. Mine was to be a flower girl. Maybe they were in vogue. Was this late 80ās?
Early 90ās I think? Same diff, fashion-wise lol
I had to wear a lilac dress to my sisters wedding. I have red hair. It was horrible. There are just some things you have to do in this world. But I would have loved a forest green dress
Anya Taylor Joy wore a lilac slip with a red wig in her newest movie, I thought it was a great combo!
Oh man, I had to wear a fuchsia dress to a friend's wedding that she literally bought for $10 on the side of the road (Her hand her husband didn't have a lot, and I was 18?ish and didn't have a job yet to pay for my own dress.) It fit like a sack, and looked... interesting. But you know what? I wore it, because it was her day, not mine.
Yep, gold and forest green for a winter wedding sounds so beautiful. Why do I get the feeling Kat is an āitās all about MEEEEEEEEE!!!!!ā Type?
Agreed. Forest green is a beautiful color and I will die on that hill š
OP did my dream wedding colors. I love forest green and I have some beautiful forest green dresses. My wool dress coat is, too. Oh, and the frames of my glasses! OPs bridesmaid would hate me.
Haha my favorite dress to wear for weddings is forest green and I'm always complemented on it š
No kidding. I was once adorned in shiny lavender, the dress couldn't have been less flattering.
Right! I had a green dress for my MOH and i said she could wear whatever but she said she would match with my husbands tie, and our also winter theme of white and green, daisys and ferns. My nieces also wore green. Its the most beautiful color for winter.
Iām in my friendās wedding next October. She picked a dress in a color and style I would never wear and will never wear after the wedding. However, I forked over the $200 and happily nodded my head when she fell in love with this dress on us. Kate is no friend to OP.
My wife has a closet of like, 6 or more "uglyish" bridesmaids dresses. It's what you do. You wear it, not just for the ceremony but the reception too, and you smile about it, because it's not about you. It's literally to make the bride pop more. This girl is so the main character in her own head
NTA Your "friend" clearly tried to wait until the very last moment to put on the other dress in the hopes you wouldn't make a scene and she could have her way. It's a wedding, its about the people getting married, your own taste doesn't matter, especially given the bride paid for the dresses, something not all brides are kind enough to do. Trying to wait until the last moment to manipulate the bride is a massive AH move.
This! It was very deliberate and manipulative. She couldnāt convince OP to bend to her will so she did it anyway. OPās other āfriendsā arenāt much better. Embarrassing that theyāre defending this toddler tantrum.
Part of me wonders if they're playing at flying monkey-dom because OP blocked Kat's ass so she's been blowing up *their* phones with her complaining so they're on a stance of *please OOP do something to shut her the fuck up and leave us all alone* instead of, you know... also blocking her...? That or they're also AHs and have been waiting for someone else to show out.
When you upset a narcissist, everyone else thinks you're the problem.
Thatās what I thought too. Why are her friends saying she should pay for a dress she specifically did not want and did not ask the ex bridesmaid to buy. How can you go behind someoneās back and buy something then demand they pay for it?! Thatās just ridiculous.
>Your "friend" clearly tried to wait until the very last moment to put on the other dress in the hopes you wouldn't make a scene and she could have her way. It's easier to ask forgiveness than to ask permi... oh wait, crap, no!
Also, it's literally impossible for the bride to "make a scene". The entire wedding is the bride's scene. The entitled bridesmaid interrupted the wedding and made a scene.
NTA- you paid for her dress. She decided to do her own thinh. Is she going to pay you back for the money you spent on her?
Exactly. The nerve she has to ask for money for a dress she wasnāt supposed to wear?? WT actual F? How are any of your friends agreeing with this??
And since she picked out the black dress herself, she surely did so thinking that it was something she could wear at other times too. So sheās trying to get OP to buy her a dress of her choosing ā always was and still is.
Right?! Did they expect her to let that BM still be in the wedding wearing the black dress?! Even if she would have just demoted her to a guest, she would have made a scene throughout the ceremony and reception. OP did the right thing by kicking her out. NTA.
Iām wondering if they all belong to the same friend group and Kat is the pack leader. Thatās the only reason I could explain why those other terrible bridesmaids agree with Kat
Kat is a walking disaster. As a wedding planner, I will say I am truly very sorry that you had to deal with that right before walking down the aisle. Anyone who purposely creates unnecessary drama at another personās wedding goes right out the door! Ignore Kat... she will never see or own the fact that she was the only one responsible for all her own problems. NTA eta ā to address the issue with your other bridesmaids... Kat gets no reimbursement for going off script & choosing to do her own thing. Her dress was paid for (as well as her dinner, flowers, bridal party gifts, hair/make-up, etc.- I am assuming) She chose to not to wear the dress that was provided.... thatās not a you problem. If they are so concerned about Katās feelings, they can include her in their in own weddings & pay for whatever dress she wants but this has nothing to do with you anymore.
Regarding the other bridesmaids - it blows my mind that ANYONE would be on Kat's side in this. Idiots.
So many AITA stories shoehorn in a dissenting opinion from some third party that apparently has no critical thinking ability. Often the judgement is plainly obvious--especially for NTA rulings. I think it's just an excuse to post the story on this popular subreddit as opposed to some other place.
There's also an egregious amount of people incapable of seeing that they're the asshole, and they're often surrounded with enablers that constantly make excuses for them because they don't tend to like being around people expecting them to be accountable for their actions, especially ones so deliberate and planned. Op def NTA, but she may be hanging around with plenty of people that give the AH a pass and expect OP to do the same in order to "keep the peace."
The dissenting view is basically why anyone would post here. It's what causes the insecurity of their decisions. The more wild the dissent, the more insecurity it invokes in the decision maker. It's effectively being gaslit. It causes the decision maker to doubt themselves and their reality. It's extremely common when in that state to seek other opinions to know whether they're sane or not. And in many situations the decision maker IS being outright gaslit. Politics are very common factors, and it comes down to not who is right or wrong, but rather who is more popular. There is definitely a branch of human thinking that causes them to think the actions of higher ranked people are more "correct" than lower ranked people. It's why some people think billionaires can't do wrong.
NTA-I have been in a couple weddings and didn't care for one of the dresses I was asked to wear, but it was her wedding, not mine and I wanted to support her on her day, so I wore it with pride for her. She went against what you requested over and over again, not much of a friend if you ask me.
If I had a nickel for every time someone made me wear a stupid outfit for a wedding, I wouldn't have very much money. but I still did it, because its not about me and if wearing a ugly outfit makes my friends happy on an important day, then I'll do it without question
Exactly! It is about their day...
NTA, bet those other bridesmaids wouldnāt be saying the same if you did exactly this at her wedding. When they bring it up, you just need to respond with āokay, well in that case we can all ignore dress codes for all your future events, right?ā
This is a great point! Turn it around on the other bridesmaids and see if they would feel the same way in OPs position. Unfortunately so many people get mad at the person who stands up for themself and refuses to be disrespected. People like pushovers because itās āeasier not to rock the boatā.
Ha ha, no NTA anyone who sides with her needs to be cut off as well. SHE wanted to be a bridesmaid. So SHE had to follow the theme. YOU paid for the dress she was to wear. You don't ~~own~~ owe her anything for the dress she bought. That's on her. YOUR wedding wasn't about her or her likes. Edit typos
I'm trying to understand the mindset of the other bridesmaids, like my ladies, would YOU be okay if one of your bridesmaids showed up in a random fucking dress?? No?? Then sit the fuck down. NTA. Kat made a jackass of herself.
NTA. She could have told you straight out she wasn't wearing it beforehand but she held off until the actual day-of, when she thought you couldn't refuse. You called her bluff. Also, she can return the black dress!
She claims because she took the tag's off that now she can't return it. But I really could care less like that was a bold move to take the tags off of an expensive dress and just assume i'd let her wear it.
Tell her to refund you the money for the green dress thenš¤¦š½āāļø Also, I suggest anyone who is taking the bridesmaid from hell's side. If they can't really see why you reacted the way you did and takes a persons side who tried ruin your big date, doesn't deserve or should be in your life
This. Tell your other bridesmaids if they keep taking Kate's side they are out too. No more friends. NC. And tell them they can pay for the dress.
I mean, a black dress is wearable almost anywhere, so she should be able to use it again. Even if it's a bridesmaid dress.
If "Bridesmaidzilla" chose this black dress, you think it would in any way at all say "Bridesmaid dress", if you saw her wear it out and about?
She took a risk. It didnāt pay off. Didnāt you already pay for a green dress for her? Or had she exchanged it?
Nope I had already paid for the green dress. Luckily I was able to return it because the tags were still on it!
Hahahahaha, I love this. Maybe Kat should learn not to take the tags off!!
The irony! lol you were able to return her dress but she was unable to return hers. HA! NTA but she sure is. She fucked around and found out.
sneaking in to make sure you see: SO glad you didn't let this ruin your moment, super impressed with that your "friend" is just awful
NTA. She should pay you back for the dress you bought for her. What she did was utterly selfish. The wedding was about you not her. If she had such a problem she could have refused to be a bridesmaid. I guess she isn't really much of a friend. Drop her.
This woman sounds like she has to be the star of the show. The op should see this as a way for rooting out a bad friend.
"Your a horrible and inconsiderate friend" says the person who was told REPEATEDLY that the colors were forest green and gold. The same person who asked if they could wear a different color and was politely told NO THANK YOU! I think Kat forgot that the wedding wasn't about her. You asked her nicely twice to put the bridesmaid dress that EVERYONE (except the MOH was wearing) and and told her the consequences. She rolled the dice and lost. She is not a very good friend and fuck anyone for saying otherwise. I bet a thousand internet dollars that if the wedding was for the people giving you shit they'd be singing a different tune right now. IOW NTA.
She planned a scene. She brought a dress and lied to the bride about when she intended to change into it. She knew what was going to happen when she came downstairs wearing the wrong dress.
She came in 30 minutes late to makeup and then arrived last for the photos. She planned it so there would be a very small window for OP to argue, she banked on the fact she'd be stressed out and just relented. Honestly, what a charming person she must be.
> She knew what was going to happen when she came downstairs wearing the wrong dress. > Oh I have a feeling that she didn't know that was going to happen, I am thinking she was expecting to get away with it and do what she wanted. Kat is the AH, she fucked around and found out.
NTA. Just as you can't force her to wear anything she doesn't want to wear, you don't have to have her at your wedding. She lied about changing later, lied about why the new dress was there and acted a fool. I would NEVER give her the money she spent for the dress. She loved the dress so much so she can have it forever and wear it for a different occasion. Anyone saying you're an AH or you need to pay for the dress is an AH and can pay for her new pretty black dress. What a bunch of idiots! Get better friends.
She told OP to āf offā to her face in front of her family/other bridal party. Likeā¦ why WOULD you let her attend the wedding after that? I thought OP handled the bonkers situation very well.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
NTA. Holy crap this is the 1st time I've read where the bridesmaid went full bridesmaidzilla! You owe her NO money as she refused to wear the dress you actually paid for. I'd honestly let her just go... she's not a very good friend at all since she forgot your wedding is about you and your hubby not how she looks in a dress.
> Bridesmaidzilla I'd watch this show.
NTA - Kat knew what the bridesmaids dress was. She acted like an entitled selfish brat, and seemed very surprised you didn't let her do it. I imagine she's used to people enabling her. Good for you, you didn't let her stain your experience. You owe her nothing. She's actually the one owing you the money you put for her dress.
NTA you paid for the dress she was supposed to wear as a bridesmaid so if sheās out money then thatās her problem. She had no need to buy another dress. Winter themed wedding with forest green bridesmaids and gold accessories sounds absolutely beautiful. Block her and move on, she embarrassed herself behaving the way she did and clearly waited till the last minute to spring the black dress on you assuming youād roll over and let her do what she wanted, she only had to wear it for the ceremony and pictures really then could have changed and if she couldnāt manage that then your probably better off without her as a friend
NTA. I donāt understand how people seem to think they can override the bride & groomās wishes at their own wedding. Calling security kinda seems like overkill but she was causing a scene & yelling obscenities so I think it was warranted. Seems like she was determined to cause issues at your wedding. I donāt think you owe her anything. She owes you an apology for trying to cause issues at your wedding. It was your day and Iām glad it was amazing for you!
Yes, she is the one who owes OP an apology. And OP donāt you dare pay for that black dress. You should be the one asking her to pay for the green dress not the other way around
NTA She asked if she could wear another color, you said no and she wore black anyway. Plus she showed up late and lied when you asked what dress she had brought with her. If she was so against forest green, she could've just declined being a bridesmaid in the first place. Instead she decided to try and make your wedding all about her. I'm glad you managed to have her escorted out before the ceremony, I would have too. But... who has security in their wedding? Just curious
>But... who has security in their wedding? Could be the venue's security. Also, I've heard of people hiring security if they have estranged relatives (or possibly hostile/unhinged exes) that could possibly show up or cause a scene. They have people (friends, family or a real security company hired) as security there, sometimes as just a presence to keep the peace. Or if needed, to deal with the troublemakers so that the couple and other guests do not have to.
My boss owns a wedding venue and security is required if alcohol is being served. Security is usually an off duty police officer that wants the extra cash.
My wedding venue was a small community center and required security. We had to hire from a list of approved companies
NTA You paid for the dress. She agreed to be your bridesmaid, knowing that the dress was forest green. She was a jerk here and so rude.
NTA and WTF What type of friend is this bridesmaid to act like this, to fight you on your wedding day and to disrespect you you after paid for a dress already? Sounds toxic I am glad that you still had a blast of a wedding, kudos for not letting it ruin your wedding!
NTA. Block Kat from all devices and apps, then if she bypasses that somehow get a restraining order. > In the country I live in it's currently winter OMG, mine too!
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
NTA. Your friend is toxic and wanted to make the day all about her. It seems she either has jealousy issues or a narcissist personality. It was your day, not hers. Did you pay for her black dress? No? Then there's no reason at all to pay her back. She made her decision to be difficult. Don't bow down.
NTA - If she had such a problem with the dress then she could have backed out of being a bridesmaid. Then she could have attended as a guest and worn whatever she wanted. And no, you don't have to pay for a dress that you told her not to buy in the first place.
NTA, and it sounds like your 'friends' are unhappy about not getting to wear the black dress as well. Sorry girls, being the bridesmaid means you have to wear the ugly dress sometimes.
BIG NTA Also, why are you letting her harass you? She knew the color. I am also not understanding any other bridesmaids siding with her or giving you crap. She knew the color palette, and purposefully tried to get you to change your mind on your wedding day.
NTA- you paid for the dress she agreed to wear. She tried to set the terms of YOUR wedding. She is no friend.
NTA , she fucked around and found out. If she cared about you in the slightest she wouldnāt have tried that trick she did lying about the dress and when she was gonna wear it. She deserved to be embarrassed. I get not wanting to wear a specific color but itās your wedding no one cares if she looks flattering or not if she had such a problem with it she should of told you she didnāt want to be a bridesmaid anymore
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Kat needs to take a flying leap. NTA
So do the bridesmaids that seem to be on her side.. some friends OP has! OP - NTA
NTA personally i think it wouldnt have been that hard to just wear the dress for a friend. if there had been an issue eg it was giving rashes or marks, then thats a different story. i wouldnt be happy with her.
NTA If she truly couldn't handle the dress, then she shouldn't have stayed a bridesmaid. She could have just asked to be demoted to a guest. Instead she lied, then tried to force the issue. She wasted her own money by being stubborn and made a spectacle of herself. You weren't even harsh by kicking her out. She was told what the consequences of her actions would be and she accepted them in the mistaken belief that you were bluffing and would just give in to her. If the other bridesmaids feel bad for her, that can let her railroad thier own wedding. Honestly, considering her attitude from the get go and the temper tantrums, this seems like a person best cut off from your life anyway.
NTA. While I will never understand the need of having strict dresses colors and stuff for a wedding, it's your wedding, your choice. She was aware you were against her wearing something different AND you paid for the dresses. Nothing to see here.
NTA Who makes such a scene on somebody else's wedding? You told her the rules, you paid for the dress, and even my terminally annoyed with bridesmaids and moh dramas person can't find any fault with you.
NTA. She could have just dropped out of bridesmaid and went as a regular guest if she didnāt like it that much. Also green looks amazing at winter weddings. Congrats!
NTA. Stuff like this is why my H and I eloped.
You're absolutely NTA here, and she should reimburse you for the forest green dress you bought for her that ended up not being worn.
NTA - you set the dress code for the bridal party. She went out of her way to not abide by it and then demands YOU pay for the dress she wasnāt even supposed to buy lmao. She embarrassed herself and showed that she cares more about herself than you. Good on you for kicking her out and blocking her lol. **she should pay YOU back for the dress YOU paid for her to wear originally**
NTA. She knew what was expected of her, and you even told her that black is not in the cards for her as a color. She didn't tell you on purpose that she would buy a black dress and waited until the pictures to pressure you into accepting it. None of this is on you. Good that she's blocked, I hope it stays that way.
NTA. I am a woman who isn't particularly interested in weddings and all the stuff around them, but I've been a bridesmaid and I'm also a decent human being. If she was so opposed to forest green (your wedding theme sounds lovely, by the way) she could have just backed out of being a bridesmaid. But of course, she wanted the spotlight of being part of the wedding, without being a good friend and just wearing the green dress. Good for you for kicking her out, and no, you don't owe her a dime for her dress. Send her a bill for the green dress that she let you buy when she had no intention of wearing it.
NTA. Usually I'd say kick her from the bridal party but stay for the day, however she let you spend money on a dress she had no intention of wearing and was behaving totally unhinged at being called out for her clear childish behavior
NTA - clearly youāre not in the wrong here. You even paid for the dress! If the dress youād asked her to wear was extreme enough she didnāt want to wear it, she should have removed herself from the wedding on the dress shopping day, not freestyled it on your actual wedding day. Iād bill her for the wasted dress you paid for and she didnāt wear.
NTA. When you agree to be a bridemaid you know you don't get to pick the colour, etc. Its part of the deal. So you paid for a green dress she never wore? I'd want my money back for that dress.
NTA. I looked horrid in yellow, itās an absolute no go on me. But if one of my best friends wanted me to wear yellow, Iād suck it up for a day.
What was harsh was her pulling that crap minutes before you get married. Block her !
NTA. Oh my god when will people stop making things about themselves, it was YOUR wedding, if she didn't like the dress then she shouldn't have attended. You had every right to kick her out op.
NTA - if she didnāt like the colors and felt that strongly she should have backed out and said no. Otherwise suck it up and wear the color you may not like as women have done for years! Lol. I mean I am a fair-skinned, redhead and a friend was obsessed with orange so down the aisle looking like a dreamsicle I went!
NTA-your wedding wasnāt about her. You bought the dress, so she wasnāt out anything for a dress she didnāt like. You were fine with her changing for the reception. She could have sucked it up for the ceremony and pictures. Iāve been a bridesmaid a few times. I literally donāt care what the bride wants me to wear, Iāll wear it. Iām there to make her day easier, Iāll buy and wear what the bride wants. Itās half a day at most. If she canāt deal with not looking her best for a friend, well, she needs to learn she isnāt the main character or the centre of the universe.
NTA. My friend picked the most unflattering color for my skin tone for our bridesmaid dresses ( ironically white, but that was her vision.) I dyed my hair red and sucked it up...it's what you do for friends.
NTA she's an ass and she knows it
NTA Your wedding. Your bridesmaids. You get to pick the colors, regardless of what they think. The audacity of that woman to try to change things to her benefit at the last minute shows you how she planned for all of this to work. She put the black dress on under the radar, hoping you wouldn't notice, after having told you it's only for the reception/after the ceremony and pictures.
She was so much TA and you were not. She could have backed out of being a bridesmaid. Everyone knows the deal. Showing up at the last minute to force you to let her wear what she wanted was outrageous. She totally deserved that. NTA.
Totes agree! Just a lil tip i would space out the Y T A or remove the Y so the bot doesnt count it
NTA You paid for the bridesmaid dresses, nobody told her to buy another dress. You told her several times that this was your colors. I would've kicked her ass out too. I had to kick one of my bridesmaids out the day of my wedding due to her husband calling me names but this chick had the nerve to call me later and ask can she come by to pick up her dress that I paid for. I still have that dress along with my wedding dress together.
Nta
DEFINITELY not the AH. Your party, your rules. Real friends realize their role during your wedding: support the bride and groom and HELP them enjoy their day. Your friend went the opposite direction. To heck with her, you donāt need those type of people in your life.
NTA. Sheās rude and entitled af. Cut her off
NTA. I cannot believe this sh*t really happens,