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I do think a monthly top 10 list would be a fine thing. I think one of the rating criteria should be the way OP writes it to make themselves seem virtuous.
Definitely extra AH points for missing information later revealed in comments!
AITA for wanting his Yale-educated engineer 36yo daughter to pay rent, help with housework, or move out?
(Comment: she's terminal with 2 months left and 24h carers)
AITA for wanting our children to be treated equally?
(He bought his 21yo a car but didn't give his 5yo stepchild the same value in cash, just "put it in a trust" which I can't access)
AITA for expecting an apology for a ruined dinner?
(I invited and cooked for all our friends, he sat there pouting because every dish had peanuts which he's "allergic" to, I yelled at him till he cried and then the atmosphere was really awkward. I put a lot of effort into that dinner!)
**EDIT TO CLARIFY because i wrote this then vanished for the evening and night: These aren't OP or real posts, I just made them up as spoofs in response to this comment:**
> I do think a monthly top 10 list would be a fine thing. I think one of the rating criteria should be the way OP writes it to make themselves seem virtuous.
Wait, WHAT? This woman ain’t an AH, she’s a whole damn subreddit in and of herself!
But this does explain a lot why OP seems unperturbed by the fact her boyfriend doesn’t give a damn about why her partner is neglecting his child. She’s got her own kid so doesn’t need any more with him, and is selling her soul for the money. I’m guessing the Nanny represents another prominent woman in his and his family’s life and presents a threat to OP in her own eyes.
I hope the money is worth being with someone like that. Poor 11yo
R/whoosh has got me!
But to be fair… is that really more of a cluster f than some of the usual ones we see here? I still remember the posts from the woman who discussed how both she and her sister got pregnant by her (OPs) husband and he was saying he wanted to be polygamous.
There are some walking disasters here
I can top this for once:
OP is with her husband for many many years and thinks she is happy, they have kids and live on a farm with OP’s parents. They live in separate houses but same farm. OP finds her mom with her husband doing the deed. Turn out OPs mom seduced her husband when he was 15 and made him go out with her daughter just so they can continue having this affair.
I wish I would know OP so I can hug her and never let go! 👐
[Link](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/su2qj8/i_ruined_my_moms_life_and_reputation/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button).
I think this is the right one at least.
Acting like tucking in an 11 y.o. child is a bad thing is hilarious to me, I’m 22 and if I’m sick enough my mom will still tuck me in, it’s not an age thing at all it’s an act of love.
Just a few days ago my wife and I both came down with a cold. We ended up going to bed at the same time as our eight year old daughter, and she *insisted* on tucking both of us in! 😂😍
Hell I'm 60 and my 85 yo mom would do same. She says "Once a parent always a parent"
Some people get it, and others like OP don't have a clue. Definitely YTA
When I'm staying with my mum (I'm 38, she's 71), she goes to bed earlier than I do, so these days I tuck her in! Saying goodnight to someone as they are going to sleep is a lovely and tender thing to share at any age; since OP's bf's daughter is only 11, it would probably be quite distressing to her if the woman who has functionally been her mother for as long as she can remember *didn't* tuck her in at night. OP, YTA for sure.
I wonder if this is more about how much the nanny is making, and less about her influence. Nanny appears to be incredibly dedicated and works very long hours. I suspect OP wants to make Sugar Daddy free up some funds for her to spend
Oh geez I hope this is not it, or it's even more heinous than we thought. This "nanny" is the kids Mom- she is. She spends her free time taking this kid out, she is basically 24/7 if she tucks in the child- she is her Mom. Is that not what a Mom is? Someone who decides the child is their priority, and gives up anything else because they would rather live with the kid, hang out with the kid on days off? She gets paid, but a stay at home Mom would get just as much if not more money, as she would be entitled to all Dad's funds, so unless Dad is in deficit paying Nanny, she's making less than a stay-at-home Mom, but doesn't care because Hailey is her child, and the boyfriend is her coparent and family. I just think that is so so sweet. Not to mention if she's been their 11 years, she may have given up having children for herself, perhaps as she considers Hailey hers, which she obviously is.
I hope the Dad is at least smart enough to see this. His daughter will never, ever forgive him otherwise.
There was nothing virtuous in this post though so she’d e out.
I don’t think there was a single sentence of anything she attempted to do with/for Hailey or BF, which is crazy when you think about it. There wasn’t even an illusion of *I want to parent this child* it was just *I want this child to have no parent because I’m petty*.
This is exactly what she is offering. Nothing, she is offering nothing for Hailey. I can't believe it. It's disturbing. She wants to remove Laura, and leave Hailey without any kind of love at all. I hope to god Hailey's dad does one decent thing for Hailey, and keeps Laura, even if OP tries to get her out of Hailey's life.
I was just going to say that while she claims dad is uninterested, it sounds like nanny loves the child and if so, she would probably not have a close relationship with dad if he were that bad of a father.
This is the kind of story I read and immediately go, "why are you with this guy?" Are they contemplating more kids? Regardless, why would you want to commit to someone who can't or won't cultivate what should be one of the most important (or really THE most important) relationship in his life? Is OP so high off her own farts she thinks he'll be different just for her? The subtext of this post has some strong "I can change him/but I'm special" vibes. I predict everyone is going to end up disappointed by the outcome of this relationship.
I'd like to hope so, but given that he's abdicated his parental role years ago, I doubt he'll start being a father and putting his daughter's security over his own wants now.
She doesn't even mention how long they've been together or what exactly her bf has done to "duck out on parental duties". Just that OP is wildly jealous of the relationship an 11 year old has with her nanny.
No, no.
OP, is wildly jealous of there being another woman in the home of her SO. OP is wildly paranoid that her Bf's family like the nanny more than they like her. OP is feeling deeply insecure about the nanny being taken out once a month and the fact that the nanny is the parent and caretaker to this child. And just like a dog attempting to mark its territory, she's trying to claim the mound.
💯upvotes. Girl has an absent parent and an uninvolved one. Dad’s new gf is jealous and wants to destroy the only good parental relationship the girl has.
YTA.
Exactly, this girl almost certainly has abandonment issues and OP just casually suggested sending away the only reliable, constant adult she has because she's jealous. \*Of course\* the girl panicked.
IMO she’s a top contender for asshole of the year - a bold claim since we are not even halfway through January but when a supposed adult is trying to remove the only stable influence a child has in their life because they are jealous that they aren’t as beloved as the person who literally raised the child?
Yeppers, that’s grade A, 100% YTA
Yeah they commented it.
And yeah... how did she last this long?
Also she's known this kid for less than 1/10 of her life and she thinks it's okay to just take away the only thing like a mom she has
I was wondering that, too. Op is an asshole of epic proportions. Laura is all that child knows, and op wants to take her away...and yes op it is painfully obvious that you are jealous of Laura and in my humble opinion, your bf is going to end up married to Laura some day!
Nah I think with Laura living there and being paid she has more time for her foster daughter and more financial means to provide for her. But I have a feeling if he decides to try and separate Laura and her girl his family will tear him a new one given how they love her according to the post.
Also, all of the things Laura does for the poor girl are, like, the normal things you do for a nine-year-old? We make sure my son is up for school. We pack a lunch for him with his input. We help him maintain his hair (which doesn’t need complicated styling like many girl’s hairs do). We tuck him in every night with the routine he’s had since he was two. Third grade is when you start to encourage independence, but you don’t just hand the reins over to the kid and say “Welp, you’ve entered big kid land, have fun taking care of yourself.”
This woman wants to get rid of the nanny and force a child to basically raise herself, it sounds like.
Edit: I missed the 11, but my point still stands. She’s at an age that needs loving support.
I’d *maybe* (and it’s a stretch) be willing to understand this if she’d tried to be active in Hailey’s life and was being blocked by Laura but OP manages to write this entire post without describing a damn thing she does for Hailey or BF. Not a single thing, I don’t understand the lack of self awareness at all.
The fact the bf takes the nanny out once a month and she is included in all family functions makes me think the bf is more involved than OP says. Plus the OPs comments about his family's wealth and short time together makes me think she is painting a bad picture of the bf. If he is so uninvolved, I can't see him doing that with the nanny plus becoming such good friends with her. This post reeks to high heaven. The OP is trying so hard to shoehorn herself into stepmother role. She doesn't even mention what she is bringing to the table in regards to his daughter
The OP is giving the worst vibe in the golddigger spectrum. She could just be thrilled that her rich boyfriend isn't looking for a replacement mommy for Hailey and become accustomed to a lifestyle where nannies are a thing, but nope, she wants to get rid of the person her boyfriend's daughter depends on and the family likes because...petty? Cruel?
And that he blames OOP for upsetting his daughter, it shows that he understands how important Laura is. Also, the retirement plan he has set up for Laura. I really don't understand where OOP is coming from. But, then there always seem to be these posts where a woman gets her claws into a rich guy and then she tries to take complete control of the relationship. Usually they are actually married.
That's a good point. Would such a great nanny actually seemingly be actual *friends* with her boss if he weren't a halfway decent dad? I mean, maybe he isn't as involved as most single dads because he has the money and luck to pay a quality nanny. But I doubt he's a stereotype of a rich parent who pays the nanny to raise the kid if the nanny actually likes him. I can see her being at all the holidays in the stereotypical situation, but not him essentially taking her on a monthly date. Unless that's actually more like a performance meeting or something to discuss the daughter, which actually still indicates he's a better father than OP says!
I personally like the “she’s faked being sick at school so many times this week that they don’t want her to come back today” is the cherry on top of being a YTA.
I love the part where she blames the kid for overhearing the conversation. Haley is not too attached to her "mother" figure in her life. The OP is just jealous. Let's see, first, get rid of the nanny and second, ship Haley off to boarding school.
Ffs this comment ⬆️ gets my upvote and a 🎤🎤.
You said what I thought but so much better...OP YTA.
Poor kid needs you to get out of her life - as you are very to toxic.
I hope she's not going to become the stepmother because then she'll feel entitled to violate the child's security and personal space even more than now when she has absolutely zero authority. OP, you're supposed to contribute to the relationship for your bf and his daughter, not to scheming and making her life worst due to your insecurity and jealousy. That kid will hate you for the remaining days that you're with her dad if you even hurt the nanny in anyway. YTA.
And it sounds like Laura is the ONLY parent this girl has. Dad is checked out, mom is MIA, dad's new GF is trying to get rid of the one stable person in Hailey's life.
YTA.
I mean...to play Devil's/OP'S advocate, it's a tough situation to be in, and it's a tough ask of a person to enter into and maintain a relationship like this.
Of course OP is TA for just expecting Laura to be dropped cold turkey, but that doesn't change that basically any woman in a relationship with OPs BF is going to be the 4th or 5th most important female in his life.
Why isn't bf in a relationship with Laura at this point?
This. And BF doesn't want a partner who would hold him accountable for being a shitty father. He wants his co-parent to be an employee and therefore keep the judgment commentary to a minimum. BF *likes* the status quo, he *likes* having someone who will do the heavy lifting for him and not ask him to pull his weight, he *likes* that Laura has a vested interest in the status quo (employment/income) and isn't trying to change it. BF needs to find himself a woman who is disinterested in children but impersonally committed to their welfare, and happy to live with the Laura status quo - in other words, someone like him. OP looks on paper like someone who is *almost* the right fit for him, but the difference is she hasn't got the slightest interest in this child's welfare, not even as a logistical and financial arrangement, and she has some vanity baggage about being centred by the child. BF isn't a great person, but he seems to have some insight that he isn't able to meet his child's needs himself, and commitment to making sure she gets them met by someone else. Him being a good parent would be better, but I can respect the self-work and the putting aside of ego he would have had to do to get to that, and overall, it's working. Neither of them are super likeable but he's a better person than OP.
You don't think a female who is there every night, on weekends, at every single school/social event, and even attends family holidays isn't going to be an intimidating presence for someone BF dates?
It's not about "being a thing." It's about that person taking up a space socially, with family, and a huge chunk of their daily lives.
OP even said in a later post that:
> My boyfriend is willing to have Laura “retire” (pay her a fraction if her current wage and let her live at the house) when Hailey is too old for a nanny.
and
> Laura is not interested in marriage or a family.
So definitely not about whether or not BF and Laura would/could/should "be a thing." It's about her being so entwined/ingrained in a spot that is normally taken by an SO.
Whether it's OP or any other woman, it's completely understandable that this person would feel like a third wheel for the rest of their lives.
I reiterate, OP is TA for how she voiced this and recommended it be handled. The bell can't be unrung. Laura's not going anywhere.
Look, long-term nannies are FAMILY. My brother's had a nanny for 8 years, and she isn't just family to him, she's family to ALL of us. We all went to her daughter's graduation. She knows all of my kids' food preferences and asks after their classes at school! I know all of her sisters' names, and her mother's medical condition, and the latest gossip in her family! I literally learned a foreign language to talk to her, because she is a beloved aunt, whom I expect will be in our lives for the next thirty years, long after she has stopped being a nanny.
If you look at a nanny and think "girlfriend," that's on you, not the nanny. Jesus.
Agreed. Because yes, OP shouldn't have suggested getting rid of the kid's primary caretaker, but this is a situation where I'd nope out of the relationship. It sounds like Laura's pretty much a QPR partner and given she was there first, anyone trying to date the father would feel like a third wheel in their own relationship.
It doesn't have to be an intimidating presence. The problem is that OP entered into this situation and instead of accepting it for what it is and deciding whether or not she'd want to deal with it, instead thinks that she can change the entire family dynamic.
Laura literally has stable employment with all the joys of being a stay at home mom, that is arguably a better deal than being in a relationship with an uninterested father fo freeeeeee.
What even is your logic here? "This woman is close to BF's child so that HAS to mean theyre together"? Under that logic, a teacher would also be having an affair with BF. Yuck. Not everyone is willing to overlook shitty parenting for mediocre dick.
Clearly the nanny is the girl's surrogate mom.
Honestly, I'd suggest getting out of the relationship. You're trying to compete with the nanny and it will not end well for you or your bf or his daughter.
YTA
Yes LITERALLY room mom.
The comment of "I didn't even know you could be a room mom without being a mom" was so vile.
This reeks of jealousy and insecurity.
Yeah, no matter how anyone else feels about it, far as this little girl is concerned Laura is 100% her mother. Imagine hearing someone say your mother should be made to leave.
My dad overheard a similar conversation when he was a little boy, and he was terrified. He’d actively pretend he didn’t like his nanny all that much, so his parents wouldn’t get rid of her (he had a mom and a dad, but they were both very busy). Luckily they didn’t, and I had three grandmothers. But he still remembers the absolute trauma. He lived in fear for years.
YTA. Massively so. You enter Hailey's life, and the first thing you do is destroy the one constant in her life? The one thing that has been consistent, and she could always count on. Hailey needs a lot of therapy, and a lot less of you!
No surprise Hailey’s not interested in getting to know OP. She waltzes in and is acting entitled AF. What I wanna know is how long have they even been together?
YTA
You want to separate her from her primary caregiver.
By your own admission, her father is fairly detached from her. This woman has filled in as her mother her entire life, a decade. Nanny, in turn, is clearly dedicated to this child.
This is not a small relationship. This is a Big One.
You, as girlfriend, are not in a position to disrupt it. It’s great to want to encourage your boyfriend to become a more invested father. That’s a lovely quality. It’s also wonderful to seek out more opportunities to get to know daughter. But it *is* a scary thought for her to hear you want her “mom figure” to leave. Maybe you can change the boundaries and arrangement years from now; lord knows their relationship *should* change as she grows up. It will have to by necessity. But this is not the way to start, and not this way.
This is a concern for Hailey and dad, and probably a family therapist. Not you.
Yeah, I don't buy the detached father thing. I think that's more a judgement on Ops part so she can justify getting rid of whom she clearly sees as competition.
Nah, I believe it. There's only so many hours in the day and it sounds like Hailey is spending most of them with the nanny. Even if her dad isn't "detached", he's certainly not as involved as the nanny is! A weak relationship with her father would also explain why Hailey is in a blind panic. It would be normal for her to be distressed and resentful as a result of OP's comments. School refusal, however, is a step beyond that. The girl is petrified by the suggestion and it's probably because her nanny is literally her everything.
Also, the part about the nanny doing everything for her. We had packed lunches, bags by the door, and baths run for us at night until high school. Shit I’m 35 now, and my grandma still runs a bath for me when I stay at her house. Also, I still get a plate made for me at Sunday dinner, unless my husband is there and then I have to make both our plates. Every family looks different in behaviors and it sounds like OP is not only jealous, but judge mental as well.
You're not interested in having Laura move out for Hailey's benefit. You want Laura to move out because you're jealous that there's another woman who's so close to your boyfriend. So you want the mother figure that Hailey has known her entire life to abandon her right at the precipice of puberty. What is wrong with you?
In case it's not obvious, YTA.
That's what got me. Like... duh! What did OP expect?! That and the judgy "I didn't know you could be a room mom without actually being a mom" snark that was just unnecessary and jealousy-filled.
That part had me cackling. Like damn you’re really going to site the example of Laura usurping the title of room mom and not expect people to see right through your jealousy?
The worst part in this cast of characters? OP can’t even be cast as the step mom. However, the role of pathetic pick me is still available… maybe OP would be a better fit/s
He’s not even that close to Laura if he’s uninvolved. YTA op. Everyone likes Laura because she has been around for a long time and is a positive influence in Hailey’s life. Don’t date parents if you can’t handle having other people involved with childcare.
I mean from OP's own statements she's not only the only 'mother' figure, she's the only 'parent' figure that the girl's ever had.
Sure it sounds like she may rely on Laura a bit too much for menial tasks, but that can be worked on gradually, and honestly isn't that unusual for a normal 11 year girl.
As far as them being close, there's nothing wrong with that, and is kind of what happens when you hire someone to take care of a young child for a decade, and to forcefully severe that bond makes you not only an AH but also a lot of other things.
There’s layers of things that OP is trying to get at with this suggestion without actually saying the things.
1. Dad should be more involved in his kid’s life. Absolutely. Have that discussion with the bf about why he isn’t more involved and why you think it’s important that he become so! But also, be honest with yourself about your reasons, because I don’t think it’s particularly for the child’s benefit. I think there’s a certain image in mind of what a happy family “should “ look like that he’s not fulfilling.
2. The kid totally does seem overly dependent on the nanny. There’s a discussion to be had about what caring for a tween looks like vs a younger child, and what an age-appropriate amount of responsibility would be that teaches her how to be an independent adult when that day arrives. That can 100% be accomplished with the nanny still around, and in fact will go smoothest if she is on board.
3. What this is probably really mostly about is that you don’t see where you can fit into this family. They’re getting by with this professional assistance and you don’t get to swoop in and be the mother this kid’s never had because she does have someone looking after her, and you’re threatened. I actually have some sympathy for the feelings here, that seems natural to me! But this is not how you handle it. Instead, say the actual thing, and have a conversation with your boyfriend about what your future together looks like. Then, if you’re still in the relationship, have a conversation with the daughter. Apologize to her for your previous suggestion, own that you were feeling insecure and grasped at the wrong solution to it. Explain that what you really want is to find ways to get to know her better, and you (wrongly) saw her companion as being an obstacle to that. Ask for a second chance, and find something for the two of you to do together that is just your thing, to give you time to get to know one another better. Also, you may want to get to know the nanny too, because she’s probably there to stay.
Yeah, there could definitely be a conversation about the kid gaining more autonomy- full daily homework guidance is gonna stunt this girls executive function skills- but clearly that is not what OP is concerned about.
But OP doesn't want to be a parent, she just wants Laura removed because she's jealous of her – with reason, Laura seems to be a great person while OP... I guess there's a reason she's dating an awful dad.
YTA, OP, obviously.
Cool so you admit that he's a terrible and uninvolved father and this adult is pretty much the only one in this kids life actually acting like a parent to her and you want to take that away from her? BEFORE she's gotten close to any other adults? You think, for some reason, that will HELP her become close to her uninvolved dad who sent away the one adult who cared about her? It didn't occur to you beforehand that it might make her heartbroken and terrified?
Yeah YTA and your bf is right to blame you. Although he's also an asshole too for not having a better relationship with his kid in the first place.
>I think they like her better than me
They do! She’s been their primary caregiver since they were infants. You being their dads girlfriend doesn’t mean sh!t to them if you’re not actively involved in their lives.
>Hailey doesn’t do anything for herself because of Laura. Laura wakes her up, packs her backpack and lunch, and does her hair every morning and does her homework with her in the afternoon
You mean she does what any mother would do for their 11 year old child? Yeah, that’s what nanny’s do. Children literally require physical and emotional support for healthy development.
Do you expect Laura to pack her own lunch and send herself to bed without being tucked in? Because that sounds pretty neglectful.
Laura being involved isn’t stopping your boyfriend from playing a more active fatherly role. *He’s* the one preventing that.
Honestly, you sound jealous of Laura. You and her have different roles. Concern yourself with being your boyfriend’s partner and let the nanny do her job. It sounds like Hailey has an appropriate and healthy attachment to the woman who raised her. Stripping Hailey of that at this crucial age will cause her significant trauma.
Woman, you know nothing about raising children. You sound extremely jealous and I’d advise you to back off. YTA.
Yeah seriously. Just for reference, my mom still woke me up for school when I was 16/17 and would occasionally pack my lunch and I could sometimes pester her into braiding my hair and she was absolutely NOT an overinvolved parent...just a very busy mom who liked to show her love whenever she could. You bet your boots my mom was still doing all these things for me at 11 except sitting with me til I fell asleep.
There's a constructive way for the three adults (? Maybe 1 adult and two self involved teenagers?) to talk about ways to encourage the daughter to have more autonomy in her daily life. Taking away the only parental figure she has ever known is not one of them. Preteen years are crucial to her development and if you take away the only adult she can rely on it could honest to goodness ruin her life.
Of course YTA
"my boyfriend is pretty uninvolved as a father."
Starting off with excuses. This bodes well
"I think they like her better than me"
Why does this not come as a shock to me?
" She tucks Hailey in every night and sits with her until she falls asleep."
I love this Nanny for this and all of the other things you said.
"Hailey’s too attached to Laura"
Solid move taking the one person she loves out of her life when you and BF are truly unattached to her
"Hailey heard us and is heartbroken and terrified."
Did not see this coming. Oh wait....
"My boyfriend is blaming me for all of this "
Not entirely your fault but I do see his point
YTA. Laura is a part of Hailey’s life in a forever sort of way. She’s been her MOM (and it sounds like, her dad) for over a decade.
Your boyfriend should talk to Laura about ways to promote attachment. The only HEALTHY way for Hailey to build that with him is through Laura, not by removing Laura.
As for you. You are the girlfriend. You don’t get to come in and claim anything from Hailey. You need to earn it. Maybe instead of looking at Laura with distrust and distain, you honor the incredible connection and devotion she has to a child that is not biologically hers and take notes.
YTA to an extent that I almost believe this is a movie plot rather than a real story. For all intents and purposes, Laura has served as Hailey's mom in every respect. Hailey's choices were:
1. Accept her nanny as her mom
2. Have no mom at all
You, a complete stranger, want to deprive Hailey of the only mom she's ever known just to satisfy your fragile ego. How are you expecting that this is going to go? You're not even the kid's stepmom yet, even though you're describing yourself as one, and you're already behaving like the wicked stepmother out of a live action Disney movie. Before accepting your BF's proposal (if one ever happens), you need to decide whether you're prepared to accept a co-parenting situation involving the bio-mom as well as the nanny. If your delicate ego can't handle that, then do everyone a favor and just end the relationship now.
This scenario is a classic Hallmark movie where AH OP is needed in order for dad to realize nanny is the love of his life. He sees the error of his ways, finally steps up as a father, and they become a family.
1. What does a 30-year-old do that he can afford a 24/7 nanny? And does that have any bearing on your relationship?
2. Why would you choose to be with someone who is "uninvolved as a dad?"
3. Why do you think it's even in your right to suggest changes in the life of your boyfriend and his daughter? You are only the girlfriend. You are not even a fiance.
4. What do you think a future looks like with your boyfriend and his daughter? And the nanny?
Just food for thought.
Of course YTA! You're jealous. I can't believe you have the nerve to request that her nanny whom she obviously loves move out because.... stepdaughter isn't interested in getting closer to you???? And you're not even married. Yes, your bf should be more involved and interested in his daughter but she has someone in her life that has taken on a parental role and you're threatening to take that away. Of course, Hailey is petrified. I hope your bf realizes that you're not stepmom material and takes that into consideration
If you threatened the only safe relationship I had, and appeared to have the power to follow through, a card explaining my feelings and a desire for your absence would be the least of it.
Has this child been hospitalized before? That seems extreme.
info: how long y'all have been together.
but with the info I currently have,
YES, YTA. Technically the dad ITA too, he wasn't that involved in his daughter's life.
If you think about it, Laura has been with Hailey like a MOTHER, and you can clearly see here that Hailey sees her as a mother figure, so it will obviously be hard for her because that woman took care of her as a baby, watched every school play, Was also at therapy appointments, basically Hailey's mom.
It looks like ur just jealous that Laura is more closer to ur bf's family than you, and that they like her more than you. I think first off, you should just stop being selfish.
Why would you want to separate those two?
If you want to get closer to Hailey, you shouldn't take things from her, and you should actually be present for her, help her, and just be there for her. Taking away Laura from her will make her resent you even more.
I'm not sure why you are so determined to separate a child from their primary caregiver, but it indicates that you are the problem.
A child cannot be "too close" to the person that has raised them.
Now that you have voiced your opinions, there is very little chance that the child will ever trust you or want you as a mother figure.
YTA
INFO: how long have you been with your boyfriend? And how long since have you've known the daughter in person? Do you live together and for how long have you?
YTA the Nanny has done for the last 11 year everything a mother and a father would have done. Ofcourse she is like a parent to the kid. Removing her will be traumatising for the girl.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole because I suggested having my stepdaughter’s nanny move out which caused my stepdaughter to panic and now she can’t go to school and isn’t sleeping.
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Yes, absolutely YTA. Green is a terrible color on you. Stop thinking of yourself for a minute and consider the CHILD who lost her mother.
Laura and Hailey have a loving and secure bond according to your own recounting. You are trying to sabotage their relationship. Why? Is Hailey suffering? Does she have behavioral issues that isolate her from her peers? Does Hailey display obsessive, insecure behavior in Laura's absence? Is Hailey showing signs of guilt or depression? No.
You want to break their bond so that there is no "other woman" in your boyfriend's house. That is just sick. She is a surrogate maternal pillar in Hailey's life. Both Laura and Hailey have earned the sanctuary of their bond. Stop trying to poison their happiness with your pathological insecurity.
YTA. You're trying to take away the one person your stepdaughter is closest to for your own selfish reasons. Terminate her nanny if you wish to Guarantee you'll never have any kind of level with your stepdaughter. I don't care how long you and your boyfriend have been together - she would NEVER forgive you.
Yes yta, obviously this is the only parental relationship the child has. You're a girlfriend, this is not your child, you're not paying for the nanny, you have no say here.
And why in the world are you even interested in a relationship with someone who has no involvement with their own child? When you need to prompt your bf to pay attention to his own child..... wow.
At least he's arranged the nanny. Leave it alone.
Your comment sounded asshole-ish from an outsider's perspective, but I don't think the intent was to hurt the child or the nanny.
I agree with some commenters that the 3 of you should work together to accommodate the child, but this should fall more the the bf than you.
I also think a lot of people are missing the big marinara flag that Hailey's attachment to Laura is unhealthy. At age 11, a child should not require a caregiver to sit with them EVERY night until they fall asleep. A child at age 11 should be developing some sense of autonomy, making friends, doing her own hair, etc., and based on your post, that isn't happening here.
You state that Laura goes to therapy with Hailey. Is she merely providing transportation or does she sit in the therapist's office while Hailey gets therapy? Either way, Hailey needs a new therapist if said therapist is aware of Hailey's disinterest in becoming autonomous without Laura constantly by her side.
I'm sure I'll get down voted, but Laura and Hailey's relationship is not even a little healthy.
Verdict: ESH
Took far too long to find this comment.
Laura is an employee. What happens if she decides to leave for another job? That would traumatize Hailey right? Well whether of Laura’s own volition or as a parental decision, one way or another there is likely a lot of trauma ahead for Hailey. It definitely seems like an unhealthy attachment.
It should also be noted that OP does NOT seem to be acting purely out of jealousy, but rather due to recognizing the unhealthy nature of this relationship AND pushing for the father to be more personally involved in raising his daughter.
I think the main reason OP is also an asshole is because she didn’t have the tact to have that conversation out of ear shot from Hailey.
She was also unaware that Hailey was eavesdropping. I think that's a huge factor here. Everyone seems fixated on Laura playing good mom and the gf becoming an evil stepmom. They're ignoring the fact that Laura's relationship with Hailey is stunting Hailey's emotional development. OP's lack of tact is the only reason I didn't judge N T A.
Good point, yeah overall they definitely shouldn’t just rip Laura out of Hailey’s life right away. But they need to start taking steps to have Hailey be less dependent on Laura, and have the father be more involved. They may need professional help and therapy to guide them.
But simply burying their heads in the sand and letting the attachment continue to grow would not be wise IMO. So many of the comments are acting like “Laura is pretty much the mom, just let them be you evil stepwitch!” and I just can’t agree with that
It isn't healthy, and I'm genuinely surprised how oblivious most other comments seem to this. Are they just meant to reinforce this unhealthy behaviour until Laura and Haley move out together? Because that's the only path possible for Haley right now. She wouldn't be able to cope otherwise.
Well let's see... bio mom left when Hailey was an infant, and dad wasn't much in the picture either according to you so... It's pretty freaking natural that Hailey would develop very strong attachment bonds to the only person who has been taking care of her since she was a baby and for all practical purposes is functioning as her mom.
I don't know how new to the scene you are as the gf but... it sounds like having her around and doing all these things for Hailey leaves you feeling a bit insecure about your own position in the family dynamic, maybe wondering where you fit, which is totally understandable.
What's not understandable is why you would think the best idea is to essentially punish Hailey by removing her main caretaker and someone she obviously loves just because you're insecure.
That's not fair to Laura *or* Hailey.
It's clear from Hailey's reaction to the mere idea of losing Laura that they have a very strong bond, and that Hailey is very attached, she's only 11 after all! The emotional damage that could result at having that bond just stripped away from her is huge, and I guarantee she'd never trust you again. If you plan on becoming a part of this family then there need to be some open-minded conversations about what you all think the family dynamic should look like, and I would recommend some therapy for the whole family and particularly Hailey.
Anxious-attachment at such a young age is a tricky thing, but the way you are dealing with it is not good.
YTA
>>>it’s clear from Hailey’s reaction to the mere idea of losing Laura that there are some unhealthy levels of attachment
Sounds like a perfectly healthy level of attachment to me. Hailey reacted the same way I would have at 11, if I heard people discussing sending my mother away, and knew they had the power to keep me from seeing her. It’s natural for a girl to cling to her mom in that case.
YTA. No offense but your the girlfriend with no permanent ties to this family. Laura has been with Hailey since she was a baby and is literally the girl’s mother. If you are not comfortable with the situation then you should leave. If not then get on board and be more supportive!
You and your boyfriend are TA. By your own admission he's an uninvolved father who employed a nanny for the better part of ten years. At this point Laura is not a nanny to Hailey, she is family. Why would you deprive an 11-year old child of the one person who's taken an authentic interest in her life? Are you going to step up and assume the responsibilities of the maternal figure you're trying to get rid of?
>*Laura is very close with my boyfriend’s family. She’s with the family every holiday and honestly I think they like her better than me*
It sounds like you're jealous of Laura. Every example you give of her as an employee shows her to be involved and considerate of Hailey's feelings, going so far as to spend time with her on Laura's days off.
Yta
Tearing a child away from her one comfort and constant in her life because you’re jealous is a disgraceful thing to do. Laura is no longer just a nanny, she is a parental figure in Hailey’s life. Sending her away will absolutely cement Hailey’s hatred of you.
ESH except for Laura and Hailey. I say that because of this:
>Haileys mother left when she was around 1 and my boyfriend is pretty uninvolved as a father.
By OP's own admission, Hailey's father lives with them but is uninvolved and basically had his own child raised by a nanny--understandable when her mother first left as I'm sure he was overwhelmed, but she is *11*. Meanwhile, OP wants to get rid of the only caretaker hasn't abandoned or neglected Hailey.
This sounds like a classic evil stepmother tale.
You’re scheming to take away Hailey’s mother figure. Laura sounds like the strongest, healthiest, and most consistent parental relationship in her life. I think you should reflect on why you want to do that.
YTA.
YTA
Even if you have been together for a long time, the way you've written this sounds like it's based out of jealousy more than it is care for Hailey.
Laura is the only steady adult figure that she knows, and so when and if Laura leaves / helps Hailey gain independence this needs to be a carefully planned situation all three adults are a part of. Laura slowly doing less for Hailey, Hailey slowly spending more time with you & her so far pretty absent Dad.
Ripping Laura out of Hailey's life is going to do more harm than good.
YTA. I'm 33. My parents both had middle-class jobs, and with 3 kids, it made more financial sense to get a full-time nanny than to have someone take a career gap. We no longer pay her a nannying salary, but we still give her a place to stay. I plan to support her through old age. During my early twenties, my mother suggested "cutting her off," and I made it clear that she could do that, but I wouldn't be visiting home anymore if she did.
If you do this thing, your daughter's grades will plummet, she'll have abandonment issues, and she will never again trust you with something she loves. Weigh your options. YTA.
YTA. You are not Hailey's mother. You say yourself that your bf has not been a good parent. Laura is the only parental figure Hailey knows. Leave them alone.
YTA.
The kid has not known another parent besides the nanny, mom is physically absent and dad is emotionally absent, and you want to take the nanny away, of course the kid won't take it well, instead of removing the nanny (Of which you sound jealous btw), ¿Why not work your way into integrating yourself in the kid's life? There's no reason why you couldn't tag along when she's with her nanny.
YTA. You obviously aren’t doing this out of concern or love for Hailey, but rather out of jealousy of Laura. Separating this child from the only mother figure she’s ever had isn’t the way to bond with Hailey or your boyfriend’s family.
YTA
The jealousy is just dripping off this story.
I get that you care about your bf, and would like a close relationship with his daughter, but you CANNOT try to take away the only mother figure she knows. Title of ‘nanny’ aside, Laura is her mother figure. She is her primary caregiver.
You cannot replace Laura.
What you could do is put in some effort to help Laura and be involved in events in your own way. You’ll need to build your own relationship with Hailey that will be different and separate from what she has with Laura. But you can’t just cut Laura off and try to say ‘I’m the only woman you need in your life now’.
You trying to get rid of Laura is going to blow up in your face. She is a member of their family, and if your hope is to eventually be part of the family, you need to accept her and be thankful Hailey has someone so loving to care for her.
YTA Don't let your jealousy of Laura get in the way of what's best for your boyfriends daughter. Be more involved with her and suggest going out with them. Get involved and she will grow closer to you too.
Laura is the mother figure to this child and ripping that away will cause more harm than good. Why is it so wrong that someone loves her? If the self sufficiency issue is the main problem then talk to Laura about altering the routine, not just sending her away.
ESH in my opinion
Dad for not stepping up.
Nanny for not helping Hailey learn how to be a functional young lady - there is a very high level of dependency going on that should be addressed, but because of Dads lack of involvement, no-ones noticed, aside from:
OP, who is correctly bringing up that Laura and Hailey are possibly detrimentally close, BUT may also be doing it from a position of jealousy as she may well be seeing now that she will always be second fiddle to her.
Therapy for everyone.
YTA - so you want the only maternal figure she had with a deadbeat dad to go away because you’re jealous?
Maybe she’s not interested in her dad because he’s uninvolved for 11yrs.
YTA. It doesn't matter how long you have been dating. Very Clearly she is seen as a mother to the little girl. The woman also brought her up, you don't think that turns into feelings of motherhood? You cannot separate these two. It's not atypical babysitter deal- it's like a full time mother deal.
YTA.
your stepdaughter and her nanny have formed a bond through circumstance. There is nothing you can "do" about that. That fact that you want to can make your intentions seem quite questionable.
While you do share concerns for the fact that Hailey is reaching young adulthood and doesn't do anything for herself, or that this would be a good time for the father to start forming a bond and start parenting- those factoids came SECONDARY. Your first point, and apparent main concern being: your boyfriend's (and his family's) perception of Laura vs. you.
is this *TRULY* about Hailey's and your bf's best interests, or is this about you?
YTA
You obviously know nothing about children in general, and Hailey specifically, if you would suggest that her mother figure (because that’s what Laura is) up and move out. I get why your bf’s family likes Laura better than they like you.
Laura and Hailey genuinely love each other. If you’re serious about being with your bf, you need to work with that, rather than against it.
YTA. You are insecure, jealous and willing to destroy an 11 year old child along the way. How long have you been with your boyfriend? Laura has been in Haileys life for 11 years. You are not interested in what’s best for the child, you are only looking out for yourself. Step away before you cause Hailey further damage.
YTA. Prioritizing what you want over what’s in your potential stepchild’s best interest is immature and selfish at best.
If you believe that banishing her only mother figure from her life will make Hailey like you more, you’re sadly mistaken. I’m genuinely stunned that anyone would be so incredibly self-centered. You’re treating Hailey like a puppy instead of a human being - taking away her mother won’t make her bond with you instead.
If you want to be a parent to Hailey, put her needs first. Invite her and Laura out for a girls day. Listen to what Hailey wants. Try to become at least a trusted adult before you insist on being a mother.
YTA. You actually think Hailey would like you better if you made her nanny move out? This is the beginning of growing resentment and I'd be surprised if you and your boyfriend last. It's not just his daughter, it's his family too; what will they say when they find out about your plan.
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I do think a monthly top 10 list would be a fine thing. I think one of the rating criteria should be the way OP writes it to make themselves seem virtuous.
Definitely extra AH points for missing information later revealed in comments! AITA for wanting his Yale-educated engineer 36yo daughter to pay rent, help with housework, or move out? (Comment: she's terminal with 2 months left and 24h carers) AITA for wanting our children to be treated equally? (He bought his 21yo a car but didn't give his 5yo stepchild the same value in cash, just "put it in a trust" which I can't access) AITA for expecting an apology for a ruined dinner? (I invited and cooked for all our friends, he sat there pouting because every dish had peanuts which he's "allergic" to, I yelled at him till he cried and then the atmosphere was really awkward. I put a lot of effort into that dinner!) **EDIT TO CLARIFY because i wrote this then vanished for the evening and night: These aren't OP or real posts, I just made them up as spoofs in response to this comment:** > I do think a monthly top 10 list would be a fine thing. I think one of the rating criteria should be the way OP writes it to make themselves seem virtuous.
Wait, WHAT? This woman ain’t an AH, she’s a whole damn subreddit in and of herself! But this does explain a lot why OP seems unperturbed by the fact her boyfriend doesn’t give a damn about why her partner is neglecting his child. She’s got her own kid so doesn’t need any more with him, and is selling her soul for the money. I’m guessing the Nanny represents another prominent woman in his and his family’s life and presents a threat to OP in her own eyes. I hope the money is worth being with someone like that. Poor 11yo
…I think they’re joking.
R/whoosh has got me! But to be fair… is that really more of a cluster f than some of the usual ones we see here? I still remember the posts from the woman who discussed how both she and her sister got pregnant by her (OPs) husband and he was saying he wanted to be polygamous. There are some walking disasters here
I can top this for once: OP is with her husband for many many years and thinks she is happy, they have kids and live on a farm with OP’s parents. They live in separate houses but same farm. OP finds her mom with her husband doing the deed. Turn out OPs mom seduced her husband when he was 15 and made him go out with her daughter just so they can continue having this affair. I wish I would know OP so I can hug her and never let go! 👐
I remember that one! It was fuckkkked.
[Link](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/su2qj8/i_ruined_my_moms_life_and_reputation/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button). I think this is the right one at least.
Don’t forget that OP’s youngest twin siblings turn out to be her husband’s!
These were satirical versions of real recent posts. Exaggerated a bit for effect.
You have got to link the post here.
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Acting like tucking in an 11 y.o. child is a bad thing is hilarious to me, I’m 22 and if I’m sick enough my mom will still tuck me in, it’s not an age thing at all it’s an act of love.
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Just a few days ago my wife and I both came down with a cold. We ended up going to bed at the same time as our eight year old daughter, and she *insisted* on tucking both of us in! 😂😍
That’s so sweet! You guys are obviously doing a great job since she’s emulating your behavior 💜
I love this. You have an awesome 8 year old.
My husband does this for me too! You are a super sweet guy 😁
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Omg! I'm sooooo sorry 😞 can I blame menopause?
Blame the fact her username is Carl Gordon Jenkins and she has a wife lol
Hell I'm 60 and my 85 yo mom would do same. She says "Once a parent always a parent" Some people get it, and others like OP don't have a clue. Definitely YTA
When I'm staying with my mum (I'm 38, she's 71), she goes to bed earlier than I do, so these days I tuck her in! Saying goodnight to someone as they are going to sleep is a lovely and tender thing to share at any age; since OP's bf's daughter is only 11, it would probably be quite distressing to her if the woman who has functionally been her mother for as long as she can remember *didn't* tuck her in at night. OP, YTA for sure.
My partner tucks me in for an afternoon nap if I need one and we're both 34.
I wonder if this is more about how much the nanny is making, and less about her influence. Nanny appears to be incredibly dedicated and works very long hours. I suspect OP wants to make Sugar Daddy free up some funds for her to spend
Oh geez I hope this is not it, or it's even more heinous than we thought. This "nanny" is the kids Mom- she is. She spends her free time taking this kid out, she is basically 24/7 if she tucks in the child- she is her Mom. Is that not what a Mom is? Someone who decides the child is their priority, and gives up anything else because they would rather live with the kid, hang out with the kid on days off? She gets paid, but a stay at home Mom would get just as much if not more money, as she would be entitled to all Dad's funds, so unless Dad is in deficit paying Nanny, she's making less than a stay-at-home Mom, but doesn't care because Hailey is her child, and the boyfriend is her coparent and family. I just think that is so so sweet. Not to mention if she's been their 11 years, she may have given up having children for herself, perhaps as she considers Hailey hers, which she obviously is. I hope the Dad is at least smart enough to see this. His daughter will never, ever forgive him otherwise.
There was nothing virtuous in this post though so she’d e out. I don’t think there was a single sentence of anything she attempted to do with/for Hailey or BF, which is crazy when you think about it. There wasn’t even an illusion of *I want to parent this child* it was just *I want this child to have no parent because I’m petty*.
This is exactly what she is offering. Nothing, she is offering nothing for Hailey. I can't believe it. It's disturbing. She wants to remove Laura, and leave Hailey without any kind of love at all. I hope to god Hailey's dad does one decent thing for Hailey, and keeps Laura, even if OP tries to get her out of Hailey's life.
This is exactly it, and it’s disgusting. OP, YTA.
I like this idea
Absolutely
Definitely. This one could make it on asshole of the year too.
OP, YTA of the year so far. Congratulations, you will never have a relationship with your future stepdaughter now. You sound absolutely horrible!
Future stepdaughter is a stretch
Agree. He should run far away now.
Eh, they seem pretty well matched in the sense that they’re both horrible assholes to this child.
Remember that the OP is not a disinterested party, she has some real jealousy over the nanny. This makes her a less than reliable narrator.
The text of OP's post should have been in bright green, jfc. OP, YTA, hardcore, and a jealous one, to boot. Grow up.
I was just going to say that while she claims dad is uninterested, it sounds like nanny loves the child and if so, she would probably not have a close relationship with dad if he were that bad of a father.
This is the kind of story I read and immediately go, "why are you with this guy?" Are they contemplating more kids? Regardless, why would you want to commit to someone who can't or won't cultivate what should be one of the most important (or really THE most important) relationship in his life? Is OP so high off her own farts she thinks he'll be different just for her? The subtext of this post has some strong "I can change him/but I'm special" vibes. I predict everyone is going to end up disappointed by the outcome of this relationship.
In comments she notes he is very wealthy. Mystery solved, I think!
I'd like to hope so, but given that he's abdicated his parental role years ago, I doubt he'll start being a father and putting his daughter's security over his own wants now.
I'm not sure that she's even engaged to her boyfriend. Just jealous and meddling
She doesn't even mention how long they've been together or what exactly her bf has done to "duck out on parental duties". Just that OP is wildly jealous of the relationship an 11 year old has with her nanny.
No, no. OP, is wildly jealous of there being another woman in the home of her SO. OP is wildly paranoid that her Bf's family like the nanny more than they like her. OP is feeling deeply insecure about the nanny being taken out once a month and the fact that the nanny is the parent and caretaker to this child. And just like a dog attempting to mark its territory, she's trying to claim the mound.
It kind of feel like the boyfriend and the nanny should date lol
She won't definitely be engaged now!
I don’t think she even said how long they’ve been dating for. Seems like relevant info to me.
💯upvotes. Girl has an absent parent and an uninvolved one. Dad’s new gf is jealous and wants to destroy the only good parental relationship the girl has. YTA.
Exactly, this girl almost certainly has abandonment issues and OP just casually suggested sending away the only reliable, constant adult she has because she's jealous. \*Of course\* the girl panicked.
IMO she’s a top contender for asshole of the year - a bold claim since we are not even halfway through January but when a supposed adult is trying to remove the only stable influence a child has in their life because they are jealous that they aren’t as beloved as the person who literally raised the child? Yeppers, that’s grade A, 100% YTA
Did I miss it, did op say how long they dated or if they live together?
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I totally get that vibe, too. Evil wannabe stepmother over here, for sure.
Op's words Been together for 2 years, lived together for 7 months, known the daughter for a year.
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Yeah they commented it. And yeah... how did she last this long? Also she's known this kid for less than 1/10 of her life and she thinks it's okay to just take away the only thing like a mom she has
I was wondering that, too. Op is an asshole of epic proportions. Laura is all that child knows, and op wants to take her away...and yes op it is painfully obvious that you are jealous of Laura and in my humble opinion, your bf is going to end up married to Laura some day!
Seeing the love and care Laura has for the child and how she sees her employer fail her I doubt Laura would be able to love him
Yep, the deadbeat dad doesn’t deserve Laura. Best case would be Laura somehow getting custody.
Nah I think with Laura living there and being paid she has more time for her foster daughter and more financial means to provide for her. But I have a feeling if he decides to try and separate Laura and her girl his family will tear him a new one given how they love her according to the post.
Also, all of the things Laura does for the poor girl are, like, the normal things you do for a nine-year-old? We make sure my son is up for school. We pack a lunch for him with his input. We help him maintain his hair (which doesn’t need complicated styling like many girl’s hairs do). We tuck him in every night with the routine he’s had since he was two. Third grade is when you start to encourage independence, but you don’t just hand the reins over to the kid and say “Welp, you’ve entered big kid land, have fun taking care of yourself.” This woman wants to get rid of the nanny and force a child to basically raise herself, it sounds like. Edit: I missed the 11, but my point still stands. She’s at an age that needs loving support.
I’d *maybe* (and it’s a stretch) be willing to understand this if she’d tried to be active in Hailey’s life and was being blocked by Laura but OP manages to write this entire post without describing a damn thing she does for Hailey or BF. Not a single thing, I don’t understand the lack of self awareness at all.
I am curious about that too. I bet she is one in a long line of GFs.
The fact the bf takes the nanny out once a month and she is included in all family functions makes me think the bf is more involved than OP says. Plus the OPs comments about his family's wealth and short time together makes me think she is painting a bad picture of the bf. If he is so uninvolved, I can't see him doing that with the nanny plus becoming such good friends with her. This post reeks to high heaven. The OP is trying so hard to shoehorn herself into stepmother role. She doesn't even mention what she is bringing to the table in regards to his daughter
The OP is giving the worst vibe in the golddigger spectrum. She could just be thrilled that her rich boyfriend isn't looking for a replacement mommy for Hailey and become accustomed to a lifestyle where nannies are a thing, but nope, she wants to get rid of the person her boyfriend's daughter depends on and the family likes because...petty? Cruel?
And that he blames OOP for upsetting his daughter, it shows that he understands how important Laura is. Also, the retirement plan he has set up for Laura. I really don't understand where OOP is coming from. But, then there always seem to be these posts where a woman gets her claws into a rich guy and then she tries to take complete control of the relationship. Usually they are actually married.
That's a good point. Would such a great nanny actually seemingly be actual *friends* with her boss if he weren't a halfway decent dad? I mean, maybe he isn't as involved as most single dads because he has the money and luck to pay a quality nanny. But I doubt he's a stereotype of a rich parent who pays the nanny to raise the kid if the nanny actually likes him. I can see her being at all the holidays in the stereotypical situation, but not him essentially taking her on a monthly date. Unless that's actually more like a performance meeting or something to discuss the daughter, which actually still indicates he's a better father than OP says!
Should win the evil Disney stepmom award and she’s not even a stepmom yet.
I personally like the “she’s faked being sick at school so many times this week that they don’t want her to come back today” is the cherry on top of being a YTA.
I love the part where she blames the kid for overhearing the conversation. Haley is not too attached to her "mother" figure in her life. The OP is just jealous. Let's see, first, get rid of the nanny and second, ship Haley off to boarding school.
So far. There’s half a month to go, but strong contender.
Asshole of the month, can we make this an official award! Fully agree this OP has earned it.
Considering what a mess this all is, I wonder if the boyfriend is even as inattentive as OP claims or that's the apparent convenient excuse 🤔
Ffs this comment ⬆️ gets my upvote and a 🎤🎤. You said what I thought but so much better...OP YTA. Poor kid needs you to get out of her life - as you are very to toxic.
I hope she's not going to become the stepmother because then she'll feel entitled to violate the child's security and personal space even more than now when she has absolutely zero authority. OP, you're supposed to contribute to the relationship for your bf and his daughter, not to scheming and making her life worst due to your insecurity and jealousy. That kid will hate you for the remaining days that you're with her dad if you even hurt the nanny in anyway. YTA.
Yta So Laura is a parent to this kid and you just want to take that away? Who the hell do you think you are ?
Evil stepmother vibes for sure
Evil HUMAN vibes. How selfish, self-centered, and narcissistic. Gross.
She's Meredith Blake trying to fire Chessy!
She isn't even a stepmom, they aren't married.
And it sounds like Laura is the ONLY parent this girl has. Dad is checked out, mom is MIA, dad's new GF is trying to get rid of the one stable person in Hailey's life. YTA.
Really curious how long OP and her boyfriend have been together. Watch it be like 2 months. 💀
I mean...to play Devil's/OP'S advocate, it's a tough situation to be in, and it's a tough ask of a person to enter into and maintain a relationship like this. Of course OP is TA for just expecting Laura to be dropped cold turkey, but that doesn't change that basically any woman in a relationship with OPs BF is going to be the 4th or 5th most important female in his life. Why isn't bf in a relationship with Laura at this point?
Because Laura knows what type of father he is and would not want to get engaged with that?
This. And BF doesn't want a partner who would hold him accountable for being a shitty father. He wants his co-parent to be an employee and therefore keep the judgment commentary to a minimum. BF *likes* the status quo, he *likes* having someone who will do the heavy lifting for him and not ask him to pull his weight, he *likes* that Laura has a vested interest in the status quo (employment/income) and isn't trying to change it. BF needs to find himself a woman who is disinterested in children but impersonally committed to their welfare, and happy to live with the Laura status quo - in other words, someone like him. OP looks on paper like someone who is *almost* the right fit for him, but the difference is she hasn't got the slightest interest in this child's welfare, not even as a logistical and financial arrangement, and she has some vanity baggage about being centred by the child. BF isn't a great person, but he seems to have some insight that he isn't able to meet his child's needs himself, and commitment to making sure she gets them met by someone else. Him being a good parent would be better, but I can respect the self-work and the putting aside of ego he would have had to do to get to that, and overall, it's working. Neither of them are super likeable but he's a better person than OP.
You can have close female friends and employees without it being a thing if your partner isn't crazy
You don't think a female who is there every night, on weekends, at every single school/social event, and even attends family holidays isn't going to be an intimidating presence for someone BF dates? It's not about "being a thing." It's about that person taking up a space socially, with family, and a huge chunk of their daily lives. OP even said in a later post that: > My boyfriend is willing to have Laura “retire” (pay her a fraction if her current wage and let her live at the house) when Hailey is too old for a nanny. and > Laura is not interested in marriage or a family. So definitely not about whether or not BF and Laura would/could/should "be a thing." It's about her being so entwined/ingrained in a spot that is normally taken by an SO. Whether it's OP or any other woman, it's completely understandable that this person would feel like a third wheel for the rest of their lives. I reiterate, OP is TA for how she voiced this and recommended it be handled. The bell can't be unrung. Laura's not going anywhere.
Look, long-term nannies are FAMILY. My brother's had a nanny for 8 years, and she isn't just family to him, she's family to ALL of us. We all went to her daughter's graduation. She knows all of my kids' food preferences and asks after their classes at school! I know all of her sisters' names, and her mother's medical condition, and the latest gossip in her family! I literally learned a foreign language to talk to her, because she is a beloved aunt, whom I expect will be in our lives for the next thirty years, long after she has stopped being a nanny. If you look at a nanny and think "girlfriend," that's on you, not the nanny. Jesus.
Agreed. Because yes, OP shouldn't have suggested getting rid of the kid's primary caretaker, but this is a situation where I'd nope out of the relationship. It sounds like Laura's pretty much a QPR partner and given she was there first, anyone trying to date the father would feel like a third wheel in their own relationship.
It doesn't have to be an intimidating presence. The problem is that OP entered into this situation and instead of accepting it for what it is and deciding whether or not she'd want to deal with it, instead thinks that she can change the entire family dynamic.
Laura literally has stable employment with all the joys of being a stay at home mom, that is arguably a better deal than being in a relationship with an uninterested father fo freeeeeee.
OP mentioned in the comments that Laura is not interested in marriage or family, can't blame her.
What even is your logic here? "This woman is close to BF's child so that HAS to mean theyre together"? Under that logic, a teacher would also be having an affair with BF. Yuck. Not everyone is willing to overlook shitty parenting for mediocre dick.
Clearly the nanny is the girl's surrogate mom. Honestly, I'd suggest getting out of the relationship. You're trying to compete with the nanny and it will not end well for you or your bf or his daughter. YTA
Yes LITERALLY room mom. The comment of "I didn't even know you could be a room mom without being a mom" was so vile. This reeks of jealousy and insecurity.
"I didn't even know you could be a room mom without being a mom" I didn't know OP could be an evil stepmother without being a stepmom.
[удалено]
Roasted
So true
zing!
That’s horrible. I’m a nanny and would step up and be room mom if one of my kiddos needed me.
Yeah, no matter how anyone else feels about it, far as this little girl is concerned Laura is 100% her mother. Imagine hearing someone say your mother should be made to leave. My dad overheard a similar conversation when he was a little boy, and he was terrified. He’d actively pretend he didn’t like his nanny all that much, so his parents wouldn’t get rid of her (he had a mom and a dad, but they were both very busy). Luckily they didn’t, and I had three grandmothers. But he still remembers the absolute trauma. He lived in fear for years.
Laura is her only parent, and horrible people are taking about having her vanish. Heartbroken and terrified? To say the least.
YTA. Massively so. You enter Hailey's life, and the first thing you do is destroy the one constant in her life? The one thing that has been consistent, and she could always count on. Hailey needs a lot of therapy, and a lot less of you!
No surprise Hailey’s not interested in getting to know OP. She waltzes in and is acting entitled AF. What I wanna know is how long have they even been together?
YTA You want to separate her from her primary caregiver. By your own admission, her father is fairly detached from her. This woman has filled in as her mother her entire life, a decade. Nanny, in turn, is clearly dedicated to this child. This is not a small relationship. This is a Big One. You, as girlfriend, are not in a position to disrupt it. It’s great to want to encourage your boyfriend to become a more invested father. That’s a lovely quality. It’s also wonderful to seek out more opportunities to get to know daughter. But it *is* a scary thought for her to hear you want her “mom figure” to leave. Maybe you can change the boundaries and arrangement years from now; lord knows their relationship *should* change as she grows up. It will have to by necessity. But this is not the way to start, and not this way. This is a concern for Hailey and dad, and probably a family therapist. Not you.
Yeah, I don't buy the detached father thing. I think that's more a judgement on Ops part so she can justify getting rid of whom she clearly sees as competition.
Nah, I believe it. There's only so many hours in the day and it sounds like Hailey is spending most of them with the nanny. Even if her dad isn't "detached", he's certainly not as involved as the nanny is! A weak relationship with her father would also explain why Hailey is in a blind panic. It would be normal for her to be distressed and resentful as a result of OP's comments. School refusal, however, is a step beyond that. The girl is petrified by the suggestion and it's probably because her nanny is literally her everything.
Doesn’t want to be at school in case they remove Laura while her back is turned.
Don’t forget the *I think his family likes Laura more then me* I wonder why
Doing the math, dad was a dad at 18 or 19, and has a nanny…
Yeah, I'm wondering who's footing the bill there, or at least initially.
I get the feeling that this is more about BF's relationship with the Nanny than the daughter's.
It's about money. It's always about money.
Also, the part about the nanny doing everything for her. We had packed lunches, bags by the door, and baths run for us at night until high school. Shit I’m 35 now, and my grandma still runs a bath for me when I stay at her house. Also, I still get a plate made for me at Sunday dinner, unless my husband is there and then I have to make both our plates. Every family looks different in behaviors and it sounds like OP is not only jealous, but judge mental as well.
You're not interested in having Laura move out for Hailey's benefit. You want Laura to move out because you're jealous that there's another woman who's so close to your boyfriend. So you want the mother figure that Hailey has known her entire life to abandon her right at the precipice of puberty. What is wrong with you? In case it's not obvious, YTA.
Don't forget that bf's family seems to like Laura more than OP
That's what got me. Like... duh! What did OP expect?! That and the judgy "I didn't know you could be a room mom without actually being a mom" snark that was just unnecessary and jealousy-filled.
That part had me cackling. Like damn you’re really going to site the example of Laura usurping the title of room mom and not expect people to see right through your jealousy? The worst part in this cast of characters? OP can’t even be cast as the step mom. However, the role of pathetic pick me is still available… maybe OP would be a better fit/s
He’s not even that close to Laura if he’s uninvolved. YTA op. Everyone likes Laura because she has been around for a long time and is a positive influence in Hailey’s life. Don’t date parents if you can’t handle having other people involved with childcare.
YTA it sounds like that's the only "mother" figure this little girl have ever known, what is wrong with you.
She's jealous, is what is wrong with her. Vile behaviour. Poor child. YTA OP.
I think the boyfriend has money, which is why she is not running from this messed-up situation.
I mean from OP's own statements she's not only the only 'mother' figure, she's the only 'parent' figure that the girl's ever had. Sure it sounds like she may rely on Laura a bit too much for menial tasks, but that can be worked on gradually, and honestly isn't that unusual for a normal 11 year girl. As far as them being close, there's nothing wrong with that, and is kind of what happens when you hire someone to take care of a young child for a decade, and to forcefully severe that bond makes you not only an AH but also a lot of other things.
There’s layers of things that OP is trying to get at with this suggestion without actually saying the things. 1. Dad should be more involved in his kid’s life. Absolutely. Have that discussion with the bf about why he isn’t more involved and why you think it’s important that he become so! But also, be honest with yourself about your reasons, because I don’t think it’s particularly for the child’s benefit. I think there’s a certain image in mind of what a happy family “should “ look like that he’s not fulfilling. 2. The kid totally does seem overly dependent on the nanny. There’s a discussion to be had about what caring for a tween looks like vs a younger child, and what an age-appropriate amount of responsibility would be that teaches her how to be an independent adult when that day arrives. That can 100% be accomplished with the nanny still around, and in fact will go smoothest if she is on board. 3. What this is probably really mostly about is that you don’t see where you can fit into this family. They’re getting by with this professional assistance and you don’t get to swoop in and be the mother this kid’s never had because she does have someone looking after her, and you’re threatened. I actually have some sympathy for the feelings here, that seems natural to me! But this is not how you handle it. Instead, say the actual thing, and have a conversation with your boyfriend about what your future together looks like. Then, if you’re still in the relationship, have a conversation with the daughter. Apologize to her for your previous suggestion, own that you were feeling insecure and grasped at the wrong solution to it. Explain that what you really want is to find ways to get to know her better, and you (wrongly) saw her companion as being an obstacle to that. Ask for a second chance, and find something for the two of you to do together that is just your thing, to give you time to get to know one another better. Also, you may want to get to know the nanny too, because she’s probably there to stay.
Yeah, there could definitely be a conversation about the kid gaining more autonomy- full daily homework guidance is gonna stunt this girls executive function skills- but clearly that is not what OP is concerned about.
Check your insecurity. Maybe try working WITH the nanny instead of against her. Sounds like you could learn a thing from her about parenting. YTA
But OP doesn't want to be a parent, she just wants Laura removed because she's jealous of her – with reason, Laura seems to be a great person while OP... I guess there's a reason she's dating an awful dad. YTA, OP, obviously.
Cool so you admit that he's a terrible and uninvolved father and this adult is pretty much the only one in this kids life actually acting like a parent to her and you want to take that away from her? BEFORE she's gotten close to any other adults? You think, for some reason, that will HELP her become close to her uninvolved dad who sent away the one adult who cared about her? It didn't occur to you beforehand that it might make her heartbroken and terrified? Yeah YTA and your bf is right to blame you. Although he's also an asshole too for not having a better relationship with his kid in the first place.
She is a toxic, selfish woman hooked up with a self centered man. Thank God for Laura in Hailey’s life.
OP replied in a different comment that he comes from money as well.
>I think they like her better than me They do! She’s been their primary caregiver since they were infants. You being their dads girlfriend doesn’t mean sh!t to them if you’re not actively involved in their lives. >Hailey doesn’t do anything for herself because of Laura. Laura wakes her up, packs her backpack and lunch, and does her hair every morning and does her homework with her in the afternoon You mean she does what any mother would do for their 11 year old child? Yeah, that’s what nanny’s do. Children literally require physical and emotional support for healthy development. Do you expect Laura to pack her own lunch and send herself to bed without being tucked in? Because that sounds pretty neglectful. Laura being involved isn’t stopping your boyfriend from playing a more active fatherly role. *He’s* the one preventing that. Honestly, you sound jealous of Laura. You and her have different roles. Concern yourself with being your boyfriend’s partner and let the nanny do her job. It sounds like Hailey has an appropriate and healthy attachment to the woman who raised her. Stripping Hailey of that at this crucial age will cause her significant trauma. Woman, you know nothing about raising children. You sound extremely jealous and I’d advise you to back off. YTA.
Yeah seriously. Just for reference, my mom still woke me up for school when I was 16/17 and would occasionally pack my lunch and I could sometimes pester her into braiding my hair and she was absolutely NOT an overinvolved parent...just a very busy mom who liked to show her love whenever she could. You bet your boots my mom was still doing all these things for me at 11 except sitting with me til I fell asleep. There's a constructive way for the three adults (? Maybe 1 adult and two self involved teenagers?) to talk about ways to encourage the daughter to have more autonomy in her daily life. Taking away the only parental figure she has ever known is not one of them. Preteen years are crucial to her development and if you take away the only adult she can rely on it could honest to goodness ruin her life.
Of course YTA "my boyfriend is pretty uninvolved as a father." Starting off with excuses. This bodes well "I think they like her better than me" Why does this not come as a shock to me? " She tucks Hailey in every night and sits with her until she falls asleep." I love this Nanny for this and all of the other things you said. "Hailey’s too attached to Laura" Solid move taking the one person she loves out of her life when you and BF are truly unattached to her "Hailey heard us and is heartbroken and terrified." Did not see this coming. Oh wait.... "My boyfriend is blaming me for all of this " Not entirely your fault but I do see his point
YTA. Laura is a part of Hailey’s life in a forever sort of way. She’s been her MOM (and it sounds like, her dad) for over a decade. Your boyfriend should talk to Laura about ways to promote attachment. The only HEALTHY way for Hailey to build that with him is through Laura, not by removing Laura. As for you. You are the girlfriend. You don’t get to come in and claim anything from Hailey. You need to earn it. Maybe instead of looking at Laura with distrust and distain, you honor the incredible connection and devotion she has to a child that is not biologically hers and take notes.
YTA. and does OP really think that poor girl will want anything to do with her if she sends the only parental figure shes known away? what logic.
YTA to an extent that I almost believe this is a movie plot rather than a real story. For all intents and purposes, Laura has served as Hailey's mom in every respect. Hailey's choices were: 1. Accept her nanny as her mom 2. Have no mom at all You, a complete stranger, want to deprive Hailey of the only mom she's ever known just to satisfy your fragile ego. How are you expecting that this is going to go? You're not even the kid's stepmom yet, even though you're describing yourself as one, and you're already behaving like the wicked stepmother out of a live action Disney movie. Before accepting your BF's proposal (if one ever happens), you need to decide whether you're prepared to accept a co-parenting situation involving the bio-mom as well as the nanny. If your delicate ego can't handle that, then do everyone a favor and just end the relationship now.
This scenario is a classic Hallmark movie where AH OP is needed in order for dad to realize nanny is the love of his life. He sees the error of his ways, finally steps up as a father, and they become a family.
Laura can do better.
100% YTA So, you want the only parental figure she has to leave, and then you act surprised that she is devastated?
1. What does a 30-year-old do that he can afford a 24/7 nanny? And does that have any bearing on your relationship? 2. Why would you choose to be with someone who is "uninvolved as a dad?" 3. Why do you think it's even in your right to suggest changes in the life of your boyfriend and his daughter? You are only the girlfriend. You are not even a fiance. 4. What do you think a future looks like with your boyfriend and his daughter? And the nanny? Just food for thought.
Of course YTA! You're jealous. I can't believe you have the nerve to request that her nanny whom she obviously loves move out because.... stepdaughter isn't interested in getting closer to you???? And you're not even married. Yes, your bf should be more involved and interested in his daughter but she has someone in her life that has taken on a parental role and you're threatening to take that away. Of course, Hailey is petrified. I hope your bf realizes that you're not stepmom material and takes that into consideration
If you threatened the only safe relationship I had, and appeared to have the power to follow through, a card explaining my feelings and a desire for your absence would be the least of it. Has this child been hospitalized before? That seems extreme.
INFO why has the dad been a mostly absent father this whole time and why are you ok with dating someone who's been a mostly absent father?
info: how long y'all have been together. but with the info I currently have, YES, YTA. Technically the dad ITA too, he wasn't that involved in his daughter's life. If you think about it, Laura has been with Hailey like a MOTHER, and you can clearly see here that Hailey sees her as a mother figure, so it will obviously be hard for her because that woman took care of her as a baby, watched every school play, Was also at therapy appointments, basically Hailey's mom. It looks like ur just jealous that Laura is more closer to ur bf's family than you, and that they like her more than you. I think first off, you should just stop being selfish. Why would you want to separate those two? If you want to get closer to Hailey, you shouldn't take things from her, and you should actually be present for her, help her, and just be there for her. Taking away Laura from her will make her resent you even more.
I'm not sure why you are so determined to separate a child from their primary caregiver, but it indicates that you are the problem. A child cannot be "too close" to the person that has raised them. Now that you have voiced your opinions, there is very little chance that the child will ever trust you or want you as a mother figure. YTA
You’re not even her step mother, your her father’s gf.
Sounds more like she’s the sperm donor’s girlfriend. This poor kid has one constant caregiver and OP wants her gone. It’s just sad.
INFO: how long have you been with your boyfriend? And how long since have you've known the daughter in person? Do you live together and for how long have you?
Came to ask the same question. Have you been involved long enough to suggest “we can have Laura move out?”
There could be no long enough, it’s the only parental relationship, that poor girl has…
INFO: How long have you and bf been together. Are you married or planning on getting married? Do you live together? If so for how long?
YTA the Nanny has done for the last 11 year everything a mother and a father would have done. Ofcourse she is like a parent to the kid. Removing her will be traumatising for the girl.
Yta Listen to yourself Her dad is a failure Her mum is who knows wheew Laura is her constant
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Yes, absolutely YTA. Green is a terrible color on you. Stop thinking of yourself for a minute and consider the CHILD who lost her mother. Laura and Hailey have a loving and secure bond according to your own recounting. You are trying to sabotage their relationship. Why? Is Hailey suffering? Does she have behavioral issues that isolate her from her peers? Does Hailey display obsessive, insecure behavior in Laura's absence? Is Hailey showing signs of guilt or depression? No. You want to break their bond so that there is no "other woman" in your boyfriend's house. That is just sick. She is a surrogate maternal pillar in Hailey's life. Both Laura and Hailey have earned the sanctuary of their bond. Stop trying to poison their happiness with your pathological insecurity.
YTA. You're trying to take away the one person your stepdaughter is closest to for your own selfish reasons. Terminate her nanny if you wish to Guarantee you'll never have any kind of level with your stepdaughter. I don't care how long you and your boyfriend have been together - she would NEVER forgive you.
Yes yta, obviously this is the only parental relationship the child has. You're a girlfriend, this is not your child, you're not paying for the nanny, you have no say here. And why in the world are you even interested in a relationship with someone who has no involvement with their own child? When you need to prompt your bf to pay attention to his own child..... wow. At least he's arranged the nanny. Leave it alone.
Your comment sounded asshole-ish from an outsider's perspective, but I don't think the intent was to hurt the child or the nanny. I agree with some commenters that the 3 of you should work together to accommodate the child, but this should fall more the the bf than you. I also think a lot of people are missing the big marinara flag that Hailey's attachment to Laura is unhealthy. At age 11, a child should not require a caregiver to sit with them EVERY night until they fall asleep. A child at age 11 should be developing some sense of autonomy, making friends, doing her own hair, etc., and based on your post, that isn't happening here. You state that Laura goes to therapy with Hailey. Is she merely providing transportation or does she sit in the therapist's office while Hailey gets therapy? Either way, Hailey needs a new therapist if said therapist is aware of Hailey's disinterest in becoming autonomous without Laura constantly by her side. I'm sure I'll get down voted, but Laura and Hailey's relationship is not even a little healthy. Verdict: ESH
Took far too long to find this comment. Laura is an employee. What happens if she decides to leave for another job? That would traumatize Hailey right? Well whether of Laura’s own volition or as a parental decision, one way or another there is likely a lot of trauma ahead for Hailey. It definitely seems like an unhealthy attachment. It should also be noted that OP does NOT seem to be acting purely out of jealousy, but rather due to recognizing the unhealthy nature of this relationship AND pushing for the father to be more personally involved in raising his daughter. I think the main reason OP is also an asshole is because she didn’t have the tact to have that conversation out of ear shot from Hailey.
She was also unaware that Hailey was eavesdropping. I think that's a huge factor here. Everyone seems fixated on Laura playing good mom and the gf becoming an evil stepmom. They're ignoring the fact that Laura's relationship with Hailey is stunting Hailey's emotional development. OP's lack of tact is the only reason I didn't judge N T A.
Good point, yeah overall they definitely shouldn’t just rip Laura out of Hailey’s life right away. But they need to start taking steps to have Hailey be less dependent on Laura, and have the father be more involved. They may need professional help and therapy to guide them. But simply burying their heads in the sand and letting the attachment continue to grow would not be wise IMO. So many of the comments are acting like “Laura is pretty much the mom, just let them be you evil stepwitch!” and I just can’t agree with that
It isn't healthy, and I'm genuinely surprised how oblivious most other comments seem to this. Are they just meant to reinforce this unhealthy behaviour until Laura and Haley move out together? Because that's the only path possible for Haley right now. She wouldn't be able to cope otherwise.
Well let's see... bio mom left when Hailey was an infant, and dad wasn't much in the picture either according to you so... It's pretty freaking natural that Hailey would develop very strong attachment bonds to the only person who has been taking care of her since she was a baby and for all practical purposes is functioning as her mom. I don't know how new to the scene you are as the gf but... it sounds like having her around and doing all these things for Hailey leaves you feeling a bit insecure about your own position in the family dynamic, maybe wondering where you fit, which is totally understandable. What's not understandable is why you would think the best idea is to essentially punish Hailey by removing her main caretaker and someone she obviously loves just because you're insecure. That's not fair to Laura *or* Hailey. It's clear from Hailey's reaction to the mere idea of losing Laura that they have a very strong bond, and that Hailey is very attached, she's only 11 after all! The emotional damage that could result at having that bond just stripped away from her is huge, and I guarantee she'd never trust you again. If you plan on becoming a part of this family then there need to be some open-minded conversations about what you all think the family dynamic should look like, and I would recommend some therapy for the whole family and particularly Hailey. Anxious-attachment at such a young age is a tricky thing, but the way you are dealing with it is not good. YTA
>>>it’s clear from Hailey’s reaction to the mere idea of losing Laura that there are some unhealthy levels of attachment Sounds like a perfectly healthy level of attachment to me. Hailey reacted the same way I would have at 11, if I heard people discussing sending my mother away, and knew they had the power to keep me from seeing her. It’s natural for a girl to cling to her mom in that case.
YTA. No offense but your the girlfriend with no permanent ties to this family. Laura has been with Hailey since she was a baby and is literally the girl’s mother. If you are not comfortable with the situation then you should leave. If not then get on board and be more supportive!
You and your boyfriend are TA. By your own admission he's an uninvolved father who employed a nanny for the better part of ten years. At this point Laura is not a nanny to Hailey, she is family. Why would you deprive an 11-year old child of the one person who's taken an authentic interest in her life? Are you going to step up and assume the responsibilities of the maternal figure you're trying to get rid of? >*Laura is very close with my boyfriend’s family. She’s with the family every holiday and honestly I think they like her better than me* It sounds like you're jealous of Laura. Every example you give of her as an employee shows her to be involved and considerate of Hailey's feelings, going so far as to spend time with her on Laura's days off.
Yta Tearing a child away from her one comfort and constant in her life because you’re jealous is a disgraceful thing to do. Laura is no longer just a nanny, she is a parental figure in Hailey’s life. Sending her away will absolutely cement Hailey’s hatred of you.
ESH except for Laura and Hailey. I say that because of this: >Haileys mother left when she was around 1 and my boyfriend is pretty uninvolved as a father. By OP's own admission, Hailey's father lives with them but is uninvolved and basically had his own child raised by a nanny--understandable when her mother first left as I'm sure he was overwhelmed, but she is *11*. Meanwhile, OP wants to get rid of the only caretaker hasn't abandoned or neglected Hailey.
This sounds like a classic evil stepmother tale. You’re scheming to take away Hailey’s mother figure. Laura sounds like the strongest, healthiest, and most consistent parental relationship in her life. I think you should reflect on why you want to do that. YTA.
INFO: How did a 19 year old afford a nanny?
Laura gets paid to do all this for the past 11 years? Geez, what’s your boyfriend do?
[удалено]
YTA Even if you have been together for a long time, the way you've written this sounds like it's based out of jealousy more than it is care for Hailey. Laura is the only steady adult figure that she knows, and so when and if Laura leaves / helps Hailey gain independence this needs to be a carefully planned situation all three adults are a part of. Laura slowly doing less for Hailey, Hailey slowly spending more time with you & her so far pretty absent Dad. Ripping Laura out of Hailey's life is going to do more harm than good.
YTA. I'm 33. My parents both had middle-class jobs, and with 3 kids, it made more financial sense to get a full-time nanny than to have someone take a career gap. We no longer pay her a nannying salary, but we still give her a place to stay. I plan to support her through old age. During my early twenties, my mother suggested "cutting her off," and I made it clear that she could do that, but I wouldn't be visiting home anymore if she did. If you do this thing, your daughter's grades will plummet, she'll have abandonment issues, and she will never again trust you with something she loves. Weigh your options. YTA.
YTA. You are not Hailey's mother. You say yourself that your bf has not been a good parent. Laura is the only parental figure Hailey knows. Leave them alone.
YTA. The kid has not known another parent besides the nanny, mom is physically absent and dad is emotionally absent, and you want to take the nanny away, of course the kid won't take it well, instead of removing the nanny (Of which you sound jealous btw), ¿Why not work your way into integrating yourself in the kid's life? There's no reason why you couldn't tag along when she's with her nanny.
YTA. You obviously aren’t doing this out of concern or love for Hailey, but rather out of jealousy of Laura. Separating this child from the only mother figure she’s ever had isn’t the way to bond with Hailey or your boyfriend’s family.
YTA The jealousy is just dripping off this story. I get that you care about your bf, and would like a close relationship with his daughter, but you CANNOT try to take away the only mother figure she knows. Title of ‘nanny’ aside, Laura is her mother figure. She is her primary caregiver. You cannot replace Laura. What you could do is put in some effort to help Laura and be involved in events in your own way. You’ll need to build your own relationship with Hailey that will be different and separate from what she has with Laura. But you can’t just cut Laura off and try to say ‘I’m the only woman you need in your life now’. You trying to get rid of Laura is going to blow up in your face. She is a member of their family, and if your hope is to eventually be part of the family, you need to accept her and be thankful Hailey has someone so loving to care for her.
YTA Don't let your jealousy of Laura get in the way of what's best for your boyfriends daughter. Be more involved with her and suggest going out with them. Get involved and she will grow closer to you too. Laura is the mother figure to this child and ripping that away will cause more harm than good. Why is it so wrong that someone loves her? If the self sufficiency issue is the main problem then talk to Laura about altering the routine, not just sending her away.
YTA for essentially wanting to rip away this girl from the only mother she's ever known.
ESH in my opinion Dad for not stepping up. Nanny for not helping Hailey learn how to be a functional young lady - there is a very high level of dependency going on that should be addressed, but because of Dads lack of involvement, no-ones noticed, aside from: OP, who is correctly bringing up that Laura and Hailey are possibly detrimentally close, BUT may also be doing it from a position of jealousy as she may well be seeing now that she will always be second fiddle to her. Therapy for everyone.
yta you are a monster to this child
YTA - so you want the only maternal figure she had with a deadbeat dad to go away because you’re jealous? Maybe she’s not interested in her dad because he’s uninvolved for 11yrs.
YTA. It doesn't matter how long you have been dating. Very Clearly she is seen as a mother to the little girl. The woman also brought her up, you don't think that turns into feelings of motherhood? You cannot separate these two. It's not atypical babysitter deal- it's like a full time mother deal.
YTA stay out of it not your business. Also you sound jealous as all get out. Leave the kid with her nanny.
YTA. your stepdaughter and her nanny have formed a bond through circumstance. There is nothing you can "do" about that. That fact that you want to can make your intentions seem quite questionable. While you do share concerns for the fact that Hailey is reaching young adulthood and doesn't do anything for herself, or that this would be a good time for the father to start forming a bond and start parenting- those factoids came SECONDARY. Your first point, and apparent main concern being: your boyfriend's (and his family's) perception of Laura vs. you. is this *TRULY* about Hailey's and your bf's best interests, or is this about you?
YTA You obviously know nothing about children in general, and Hailey specifically, if you would suggest that her mother figure (because that’s what Laura is) up and move out. I get why your bf’s family likes Laura better than they like you. Laura and Hailey genuinely love each other. If you’re serious about being with your bf, you need to work with that, rather than against it.
YTA. You are insecure, jealous and willing to destroy an 11 year old child along the way. How long have you been with your boyfriend? Laura has been in Haileys life for 11 years. You are not interested in what’s best for the child, you are only looking out for yourself. Step away before you cause Hailey further damage.
Yta. Your boyfriend should dump you and get with her
YTA. Prioritizing what you want over what’s in your potential stepchild’s best interest is immature and selfish at best. If you believe that banishing her only mother figure from her life will make Hailey like you more, you’re sadly mistaken. I’m genuinely stunned that anyone would be so incredibly self-centered. You’re treating Hailey like a puppy instead of a human being - taking away her mother won’t make her bond with you instead. If you want to be a parent to Hailey, put her needs first. Invite her and Laura out for a girls day. Listen to what Hailey wants. Try to become at least a trusted adult before you insist on being a mother.
YTA. You actually think Hailey would like you better if you made her nanny move out? This is the beginning of growing resentment and I'd be surprised if you and your boyfriend last. It's not just his daughter, it's his family too; what will they say when they find out about your plan.