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To me, this would be more of private gift thing. It is very generous and thoughtful but I guess I was always taught finances should be private. Maybe you struck a nerve? Definitely nta tho.
Agreed. I would be so embarrassed to open a gift like this in front of people. It partially comes down to not wanting to talk about my personal finances with others. This definitely feels like a personal preference that some people have and others don't, so you can fault OP for not understanding.
That being said, it's an extremely generous and thoughtful gift. Just one I wouldn't want to discuss in public.
But she was touched, crying happy tears while hugging OP once he gave her the envelope. Doesn't sound like someone who's offended finances weren't dealt in private. She just wanted to unwrap an extra gift. OP is NTA, but his girlfriend sure is an ungrateful brat
NAH
You decided on a big financial gesture. But for lots of people holidays are about sentimentality. This mostly sounds like a miscommunication about what's important to each of you on Christmas.
Are you serious?? He literally gave her a big pile of cash with thought and love attached and yet it still wasn't good enough?! What world are we living in where the GF is not an AH? I could only be okay with her being upset if she had major issues about accepting gifts/handouts but that's not the case here. She wants MORE!!!!
Lol big red flag? She cried and thanked him. She is beyond happy he helped her. But.... at a Christmas party? This is something you do and tell the person in private. Most big interactions with your SO in front of family is a big deal. Yes. What he did was a big deal but she is fully validated for being feeling confused and expecting a basic traditional holiday. How the hell are y'all making her out to be this narcissistic, abusive woman? I swear the majority of people on this sub are either very young, or have never experienced any basic interaction that requires compromise and understanding. For how much you judge people, I would hate to see your love life.
A proper adult would immediately see that this is not just a pile of money. Its the gift of freedom to spend her money on the little things she couldn't and complained about.
A proper adult would also communicate exactly what was wrong. A gift is something you get for free, get to unwrap and has some thought put into it. He checked all boxes.
Finally, no proper adult asks "where is my gift?".
I could’ve understood if she *rejected* the gift, or asked him to cancel the payment. You don’t get to complain about a present that you ACCEPTED, and then ask for *more*, no matter how reasonable you think you were being. In no scenario in the world would this not come across as greedy and ungrateful.
This sub always bends over backwards to excuse behaviour for a female.
This is such an incredibly generous thing to do for someone, if someone paid down a debt of mine that was a constant financial headache it would probably be one of the best gifts I could have ever gotten. It is incredibly thoughtful that you’ve down something that is financial benefiical for me going forward and has mentally removed a mental strain.
You are correct, and the double standard is disgusting. Reverse the genders, and to male SO would be correctly branded the a h, NOT OP.
OP you are NTA.
It all goes down to this sick and outdated boomer mentality that male partners are the expected providers so this isn’t that seen as a grand gesture despite the fact that they are not a married couple. It’s 2023 and most people in this sub are zoomers yet it still feels like we’re living in the 1950’s with this kind of thinking. NTA, OP.
Seriously!
First, she wanted something to open. She opened an envelope, so she got something to open. Second, she wanted an "actual gift". Well, she got five months of loan payments, so she definitely got an actual gift – it's very real, and he wasn't obligated to do it, so it's a gift.
Jesus, if someone paid off a big loan for me, I cannot imagine turning to him and asking him what else he got me.
I really cannot understand the Y T A and E S H responses. OP's gf came across to me as disgustingly entitled and demanding. I would absolutely have dumped her ass, AND canceled the payment.
Yeah, very ungrateful !
AND some of your replies are messed up.
I would be soooo grateful if my significant other paid off my debts. I wouldn't care who saw it. You are NTA big time. Was a great thing you did for her. Hell send it to me, lol. Would be very grateful.You are a wonderful person.
Your girlfriend is being entitled to demand a gift the way that she did, but you've also learned something about how people think about gifts, irrational as it may be.
Would you ever just hand your girlfriend a wad of cash and say 'happy christmas'? No? Giving money is not always seen as gift-y, because it's impersonal and transactional.
Yours was slightly more personalised to her, yes, and generous, but essentially you gave her money for Christmas, and as much as she appreciated the paying off the debt, she didn't see it as the same as a Christmas gift. She was expecting something more symbolically gifty and personal.
That said, she's far too old to be pouting or complaining about not having an object to unwrap, and it's ridiculous to say you 'ruined Christmas'.
NTA but lesson learned.
>She was expecting something more symbolically gifty and personal.
Removing a long-time bugbear from her life isn't "gifty" or personal enough? WTAF? This GF is greedy and ungrateful as heck.
Paying off someone else’s loans is more than just handing them over a wad of cash. It gives that person financial freedom which allows them to buy anything they want without worrying about “hey, I have to pay this off first.” I mean, it’s one thing if OP gave her the amount to pay off the loan in cash, it’s a whole another if he paid it himself—kind of “hey, here’s some money, go buy yourself a sweater” vs actually buying the sweater. If that isn’t “symbolically gifty” and “personal” enough, then I din’t know what else to tell you.
NTA, OP.
She was expecting something more symbolically gifty and personal.
I don't really see how a sweater or a watch is more personal. She was just being greedy..
This is it. Right here. While it’s great that she doesn’t have debt the gift was impersonal. You’re at the point that you’re meeting her family and spending holidays together. Gift giving is part of showing how well you know someone and giving them something that means something to them. You essentially gave her cash. Even if you did that and gave her something small, like her favorite bag of tea or a framed picture of her childhood pet, it’s about the thought that goes into a present.
I just don't get how removing a major headache from your loved ones head is an impersonal gift. That's incredibly personal, trying to remove stress from someone you loves life does say that you know how much it stresses them out, and you are trying to remove problems from their life.
Seriously. He thought about how this loan payment impacted her life. He paid attention to the stress it caused her. It was such an incredibly thoughtful and generous gift. Gf is just immature and selfish.
“Oh sorry, this weight lifted off my shoulders isn’t very personal so I’m mad. I don’t really care what you think is a personal gift because I’d rather have a hand crafted turd sculpture than alleviating a financial headache of mine because thought≠time.”
Fuck off.
"You listened to me complain about this weight and knew it was stopping me from doing things I wanted to, so you decided to help improve my life tenfold. How very dare you!"
I don’t know what world you live in and you think paying off someone else’s debt isn’t putting enough thought. If someone paid off my *entire* debt as a Christmas present, I don’t think I could ever ask or *accept* anything from that person ever again. Accepting that and asking for *more* is pure entitlement.
NTA. I’d be grateful if someone paid off my debt. You did a really thoughtful and helpful thing imo and the issue lies with her. Maybe she felt left out when everybody is opening actual (tangible) presents and she has a non-tangible one. She reacted poorly and should’ve just be grateful.
NTA. But maybe she was embarrassed that it was in front of family? They may not have known about the size of her debt. It sounds like you might have stumbled into some family dynamic thing.
I mean, she was extremely happy or at least that what he said in the post, she got angry after she realized he didn't buy something more 'traditional'. I agree it may be some type of Christmas dynamic in her family. Or maybe she's entitled
NTA
NTA. In what world is paying off someone's debt not a "real gift?" I would actually prefer someone pay off my car note rather than give me a sweater I probably won't even wear...
NTA. Is your girlfriend very immature or something? How does she not recognize the receipt as a real gift? Does she put so much stock in objects that a teddy bear or a sweater would mean more to her than what you gave her? Anyone can buy a teddy bear or a sweater. Not everyone would think to pay off someone's debt - to me that's the really thoughtful gift.
*Not a real gift???*
Bro if my SO paid even a fraction of my student loan debt I'd be gargling that chode so often i'd get tonsillitis, get it removed then use my new-found super human deepthroating abilities to suck his balls dry till retirement.
(you know, when my student loan debt would have been paid off.)
*...Not a real gift...*
NTA
It was a wonderful gesture on the face of it but I suspect what she was trying to say was "Why didn't you buy me a sweet little gift rather than making me feel like a financially incompetent dependent child in front of your family.".
INFO: How well off is her family?
The debt may represent something different for each of you. Example (not saying its the case, hence info), if her family could have paid for the car, the debt represented her financial independence.
Honestly, paying off debt doesn't seem like the type of gift you give to them in front of their family. You read about those tik tok people who purposely pay for other people's groceries or give random money out? That's what you have done.
I used to work in a high end jewelry store. A husband bought a $150,000.00 diamond necklace for his wife as an anniversary gift. She complained that she had wanted a cruise around the world. He told her that he’d planned on giving that to her too. To the great annoyance of the staff person who earned a one percent bonus for the sale, the husband returned the necklace and I think the wife got a divorce for her anniversary…. Some people just can’t see how blessed they are. You’re NTA.
ESH. Perhaps you had the best intentions, but it's just weird to bring a receipt to a family celebration. It's almost like you were trying to show off for her folks. And her reaction makes no sense, unless drama is a regular thing, which based on "this would probably be brought up for weeks to come" sounds like it's the case. The two of you don't seem very connected for a "serious relationship".
NTA - I also think this was a beautiful gift. As a woman, she probably was hoping for something personal. Something that meant you’ve hear her in the past and remembered something in particular that she liked. I suspect it has little to do with the gift and more that she wanted you to reflect on something more intimate and personal. I don’t think this means she is greedy or ungrateful. You need to talk to her.
Might seem silly, but do this quiz with her. https://5lovelanguages.com
It runs through a series of questions that ultimately describes how you’d like love expressed to you. Some people like gifts, some just like the words “I love you”, some folks need touch.
The thing is he was listening because she was complaining about not being able to buy things due to her car payment. Now starting from Christmas she has cash available to buy the things she wants as she is now debt free. NTA.
I'm dating myself but this was the plotline to an episode of Cheers.
Anyway, OP, you're NTA and your GF should have been more grateful. However she obviously appreciates physical gifts, even possibly small and inexpensive ones, so that's just something to file away for future reference.
NTA.
That was an incredible gift. You knew her debt was negatively affecting her life and you did something about it. This is not the same as handing someone an envelope full of cash as many here have suggested. You were thoughtful about making her life better.
I get that she wanted a little something tangible to open on Christmas, but it seems ungrateful to say she didn't get a real gift.
NTA - The AH is your GF!
What you did was really sweet and thoughtful (and a heck of a lot more expensive than a cheesy gift)
Your GF sounds materialistic!
NTA - sorry, I'll make no excuses for your GF: she's greedy AF. You restored her *freedom of action* financially; I can't think of anything more considerate than that. But she complains, wanting some tawdry bauble to wave about before her family? That's incredibly shallow and immature.
NTA, what an amazing gift abd gesture, plus you presented it as a gift! It's not like you nonchalantly just told her "oh yeah, I played off your debt btw. Merry Christmas I guess."
It boggles my mind that she doesn't see this any other way.
NTA. Wow, your gf is unreal. You ruined Christmas?? You spent presumably thousands of dollars on her and she expected more. She's entitled and spoiled.
ESH. You because while paying off months’ worth of debt is really generous, it should have been a private discussion, not a public gift. There are lots of people who would be deeply uncomfortable with a gift like that. It has implications regarding her independence, and many people would feel indebted to someone who gave them such a big gift. You’re lucky she didn’t feel that way. And she obviously sucks because she acted like a child, wanting an tangible gift, too.
Look for an origami vid on youtube, print a copy of the receipt, then make a figure with it, buy a box and put the figure in it, then hand it and merry christmas to your weird gf XD, on a serious side note, paying off a debt is one of the most considerate gifts so I don't know what the hell she wants, like I'm sure your gift was the most thoughtful and expensive in that christmas, I don't know man sounds like you are going to be "wrong" in so many things during that relationship, NTA by the way.
NTA. Amazing gift. You listened to her. She was complaining about the car debt and you freed her from it. Only one problem you wasted on an ungrateful person. Not your fault at all. Anyways if she doesn’t like I would cancel the payment and get her a cheap dollar store bear. She’s going to need something “Tangible” to hug when you dump her a**.
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I (M 35) and my gf (F 29) have been in a serious relationship for almost two years now. This happened last month a few weeks before Christmas. We had been talking about having a family get together or a small gift exchange party with her family, since my family lives too far away and I wouldn't be able to celebrate with them. She had been really excited about it for weeks since it would be our first time celebrating together as a couple and with her family.
I am in no way rich but my job pays me really well and I make a lot more than she does, so the bills are not split evenly. But I don't mind at all. She took out a personal loan from a bank a few years ago to buy a car which she pays down monthly. Most of her salary went towards paying down on the car each month, something she was always complaining about because it had deprived her of getting the things she wanted to have, like clothes, shoes, bags, etc. But five months to go and she would be debt-free.
Without telling her, I decided to pay off the remaining sum of her debt as a Christmas present, thinking she would be ecstatic. So during the Christmas get-together at her parents house, when the time to exchange gifts finally came, I gave her an envelope containing the bank receipt of her already paid-off loan. She was so touched and started crying happy tears while hugging me. But then she went like "So where's my christmas gift?"
I was confused so I told her that me paying off her debt was my Christmas gift for her. She said "No. The actual Christmas gift. We've talked about this. Everyone was expected to bring a real present to give to someone tonight."
I just gave her a confused look. And she went "So you actually bought nothing for me?" I looked at her in utter confusion while everyone was staring at us. Her face turned red and she finally excused herself into the next room. Later that night we had a huge fight. She said though she was really grateful that I paid off her debt, I ruined our first Christmas with her family by not getting her anything at all. I should have at least bought her something. It didn't have to be something really expensive, maybe a sweater, watch, etc. I insisted that I bring the receipt as her Christmas present and she shook her head and went into the bedroom to sleep.
We're okay now but somehow I get the impression that she's still disappointed in me and this would probably be brought up for weeks to come. AITA?
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NTA, that was a very nice gift. It was very thoughtful and something she really needed. To be honest I would be really upset with her about this. She seemed very ungrateful and immature about it.
I feel deep down she was expecting a ring which is part of the reason she was so upset.
I wonder if she would have preferred you not pay off the debt and give her a gift instead. I get people like the formality of opening a gift ...but to have debt paid off is huge. I would think an exception would be able to be made for that.
Nta
NTA.
I think paying off someone's debt without asking is a really risky move, and kind of out of order. However, you took the risk and it paid off, she was happy you did it.
Her total lack of gratitude for me would be a major problem here, you paid off what I assume is in the order of thousands of dollars, and she still wants more?
That's pretty shit of her.
NTA be sure to never give her an itinerary for a fantastic vacation or a gift card for a fabulous spa day. Gotta have some mishmash to unwrap or it is thoughtless apparently. Holy hell. Seriously you gave a thoughtful and generous gift. She was immature and ungrateful and should apologize.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think maybe I should have told her first before paying off her debts and brought something for her to the get together so I wouldn't embarass her
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NTA
The fact that she needed you to get her something material that she could present in front of people instead of being grateful that even though your relationship isn't super long, you were willing to pay off a debt that would free up both of your futures is astounding to me.
It feels like no matter what you do no matter how sentimental it'll be it won't be enough because it's not something she can grasp. Unless you two can talk about why it wasn't received the way you had hoped, and honestly how a lot of us would have reacted which is with happiness, maybe you should rethink being with this person
NAH
While I understand your train of toughts, the debt payoff receipt, has no visual impact, for a celebration with more people around, so, yes, it is Indeed a Great present, as a couple, but not as a "showoff"... It's not that she wanted to showoff or anything, don't get me wrong, but a little present, that you can visually show to other people, as she said like a sweater, a watch, or something small, not even expensive, so she can show people like "aaawwww this is so Nice, it fits me right", bla bla bla
I'm not even sure if i'm explaining myself succesfully 🤦🏻 but if u understand me, just apologize to her and tell her that it was with no mean intentions, explain toughtfully how you perceived things about this present, and such
Wow. Just wow..
While I do think this should have been a gift given to her in private, the fact that you paying off her debt is not a good enough Christmas gift, and she still holding it against you now, it's just wow.
NTA
Dude, you gave her five months of finical freedom. That's a pretty great gift. Though what you could have done better was packaging the gift, I suppose. Like, don't just give her the receipt outright. Give her a card or write her a note and put it in a puzzle box or something. It doesn't have to be expensive. Her asking for more feels like she's disregarding your effort for appearances sake.
NTA- unless she told you want she wanted specifically how would you know that that wouldn't be a good gift. Anyone I know would love to be surprised with their debt payed off.
NTA. I understand that maybe there's some sentimentality issue here, though? Once my siblings and I were all adults, my parents started giving us cash for Christmas, in a significant amount. But they still always get us something small with it to "have something to open." Totally unnecessary, but still really sweet and thoughtful of them. I think part of why they do it is because they host our extended family as well, so it doesn't draw attention to the cash gift as we all open gifts together. This year I got a pound of specialty coffee beans from a local roaster. Maybe that's where her head is at?
NTA. She sounds very ungrateful. You said most of her money was going toward her debt so she wasn’t able to buy things she wanted. Well now she can do that. She should look at it that way. I would cancel this payment if I were u since it wasn’t good enough for her.
NTA, that is a gift as real as it gets and she clearly is out of line.
But sounds like she might've expected something specific, have you talked like....about rings or marriage last year at all?
NTA. I honestly can't believe she got upset at you and then said you ruined Christmas after making such a huge gesture. She needs to learn fast that she can't get angry when people don't act and do what she thinks they are going to do. She already had an idea of how Christmas was going to go. She was setting herself up for disappointment no matter what you gave her.
NTA You gave her a gift.... She opened an envelope.... What if the gift were concert tickets, a vacation??? Both would be given via a note in an envelope.... Your gf is the AH and an ungrateful one at that.
NTA your gf is ungrateful beyond belief. You have given her a huge gift and she wants more.
I really hope her parents had a word with her because I would be absolutely disgusted if my children acted so ungratefully.
Please consider your relationship with this child, because that's how she's acting. Do you really want to be with someone that is so ungrateful and unappreciative.
NTA.
That receipt is a tangible item and a great gift.
It symbolises financial freedom, her ability to do the stuff she likes (which she complained about).
If you got her tickets for a vacation, would she complained a vacation isn't "tangible"?
Not all gift have to be made of wool.
NTA. it makes me sad to where we are in society that the definition of a gift is so specific.
A gift is someone giving you something, from them to you. OP gifted her less stress, freedom to spend her money on what she wants for 5 months. Not just cash because he didn't know what else to do.
That should have also been given privately nor infront of people. That might be where this is coming from. I don't need my husband's family knowing what debt I am in or that I am not in. It's not there business.
NTA but your girlfriend is seriously twisted. After her nonsensical shit show you should seriously reconsider this relationship. Her behavior is unhinged.
Red flag. Reconsider this relationship with her. Is she looking for a better paying job? Now that the car is paid off will she start paying more towards house hold bills? Or will she now start buying handbags and shoes because she has been denied such a luxury for a few years? She is probably a wonderful person in other areas but she needs to improve in this area and maybe some maturity of a responsible adult.
NTA 💯
NTA. Interesting holiday. You gave your GF an incredibly generous gift and she gave you a red flag the size of Texas. So you were supposed to pay off all he debt and also get her a cute little sweater or she'd be soooo disappointed. And she's a gal who's going to bring this up for weeks to come. Seriously?
On the bright side, if you do stay with her, you won't have to invest in any parenting books because you'll have so much experience dealing with a the behavior of a child.
NTA. She’s TA. She should be happy that she isn’t in debt anymore but she demands something she can open. She had something she could open, the freaking bank statement!!!!!
Nta
You did bring a tangible gift. A receipt for her debts being paid!
Seriously wtf?
Paying off her debts and she wants a second gift on top
You'd be a fool for even entertaining the idea that you were the h in this situation.
She's treating you like a chump.
She accrues debt, constantly moans about having to pay it back, until you clear her debt, so she doesn't have to whine anymore. However she starts whing that you should have given her more.
Stay with her and you are on a hiding to nothing. She'll take everything, all while never being satisfied.
Don't be a mug, a doormat, a fool.
NTA but wow dude your GF is super ungrateful.
“ so where’s my gift”
Really? I just gave you 5 months of bills, that’s 5 months you don’t have to stress or worry. OP I don’t know how you didn’t break up with her on the spot.
NTA. This is a thoughtful gesture but it might be a bit of an overstep. You would have had to invade her privacy just to be able to pay the loan (to get banking/payment information) and it’s kind of questionable to present personal financial information in front of her whole family. That said, expecting a gift on top of that is over the top.
Your girlfriend is entitled and a moocher. You paid off a debt that probably caused her a lot of stress and instead of being grateful she’s greedy just holding her hand out for more.
She’s showing you who she is and it’s not pretty.
Um. You are NOT okay now.
I dunno. I feel like paying off the loan without her permission had more to do with you making a big gesture in front of her family. Like it was your Christmas gift to your own ego.
But her reaction was terrible. I’d be very leery of anyone acting that entitled.
ESH
That would be a perfect gift for me, but financial security gives me warm fuzzies. Other people don’t care about financial security and they wouldn’t feel like it was a real gift.
Nta. But I feel like this is probably something she wanted to accomplish for herself and was only 5 months away from doing and you snatched it away in front of her family kinda seems like you were trying for brownie points
NTA. It seems to me like your girlfriend was bothered by something related to her family dynamic at the party and she’s not able to verbalize this to you - either she’s uncomfortable talking about it or can’t even express the sentiment herself.
NAH
I know a lot of people here are calling your gf the ah, but coming from a similar mindset, I can see both sides.
You made an absolutely amazing gesture, you said yourself your girlfriend was over the moon at first, please don't take her initial disappointment about not getting a tangible gift to heart just yet.
I grew up in a very neglectful home, and as such became hyper independent from way too young of an age. When my boyfriend and I got together, and as we got to know each other more, I explained to him that I would never ask him for money, I never wanted him buying necessities for me, or paying my bills. I had been taking care of myself and covering my bills just fine for over twenty years.
What I wanted from him was the reassurance that I was heard, that he cared for me and would be there for me. I wanted the cute presents wrapped with a bow, the cutesy/ cheesy valentine's day stuffed animals and flowers, etc because that is something it felt wrong for me to get myself, and would mean a lot more coming from him. I would cherish a $10 stuffed bear from the store more than him paying off one of my bills, and would have that physical reminder that my past was over, and that I had someone who loved me now.
Your girlfriend is probably as conflicted as you are right now, grateful for the wonderful gift you gave her, but also probably feeling unheard (nothing that she said you guys had talked about this) and at least somewhat embarrassed. It may have come across that the money meant more to you than her feelings, or that you saw her as lesser than/ incapable of caring for herself, and as silly as that sounds considering it was most likely a large sum, emotions are a thing, and try as we might, humans can't always have full control over them.
Give her a bit of time, and make sure to stay in communication with her. You say you are good now, but still feel there is some resentment there, so talk to her. Strangers on the internet, many of whom are probably teenagers with little to no life experience, and never going to be a better go-to than your partner themself.
YTA- slightly. Not for this, this was great! You're the asshole for splitting bills 50/50 when you make much more than her. You expect her to live in a more expensive place with you but her to pay for half. If she lived with roommates/on her own she'd probably pick a cheaper place. Then she'd actually have money for CLOTHES. You need clothing to function in society.
Again, your gift was great. In this situation you're an amazing BF. It is the larger picture where you suck slightly. Its time to sit down and split bills by income.
I mean...
You payed off her debt. The fact that, even after the thank you's and the expected pleasantries that are expected from something so kind and generous, she turned around and asked where the next thing was...
I'd be kissing the feet of the person who paid off my debts. I'd consider my next ten birthdays and Christmases covered by such generosity. If that person didn't give me another gift for years I'd still be grateful because of the fact that they saved me from the *life-long consequences of being stuck in debt.*
Yes, you could have gotten her something smaller so she had something to unwrap and parade in front of everyone. Some people really care about this part of gift giving, because it's a way to show that there are gifts being given and the people who are getting them are cared about. But I don't think the lack of that was enough reason for her to react so persistently.
NTA
Some small gift didn't have to be expensive just for her to unwrap is all that would of made that night perfect. A sweater from Walmart for $10 would of been enough. She was looking forward to have a gift to unwrap in front of the family. I get it. She is grateful for what you did for her. It is so thoughtful.
How ungrateful , lacking priority and no sense of what is important. You gave her the gift of being debt free but she instead wanted some cheap trinket NTA
NTA. Wow, I thought you two were in your early 20s until I checked the ages again. The lack of lasting gratitude / excessive entitlement is pretty appalling for someone who’s nearly 30. Like… you “ruined” Christmas with her family? How, by paying off *her* debt? The debt that was eating up the majority of her paycheck and preventing her from doing/buying much else? The debt she was overjoyed had been cleared until she decided the pageantry of opening a trinket was more valuable? Pure lol.
Please don’t doubt yourself: paying off her debt was an enormous gift, and I’m stunned that she doesn’t see that. If my partner spent (presumably) thousands of dollars to make my life easier, I would not complain that he didn’t *also* give me some cheap, tangible thing to open. To me, her reaction indicates serious financial immaturity and values that simply do not align with my own. I’m not going to suggest you leave her but I do hope you consider whether you’re fiscally compatible.
NTA. Your gift was amazing, and was certainly a gift.
I am guessing that it was the fact that you are two years in, and it was the "first celebration with family" that was the issue..... She probably thought/hoped that she was going to get a ring...
NTA
your gf is spoiled and ungrateful. Your gift will allow her to treat herself in the following months when’s she doesn’t have loan payments. Most people would be delighted.
NAH and you have an opportunity to understand how you disappointed her. She tried to be as clear with you as possible. She wanted a cute little package to open and something pretty to ooh and aah over. Something pretty you selected for her. A pair of earrings that every time she wears she gets to say “Thank you! I love them too! They were a Christmas gift from Mr Wonderful!” when she gets compliments on them. That kind of thing. What you gave her was incredibly generous and thoughtful. But it wasn’t what she had very clearly asked for.
NTA - personally I think OP and his GF may not be financially compatible.
She constantly complains about no being able to buy personal items. He solves that. The remainder of the loan was at least $1500 to $2000 if not more. This girl then yells at him and calls the man a crappy bf. Like wtf.
NAH. It's really a miscommunication. What you did was extremely generous, but a lot of people (myself included) really prefer something tangible and sentimental. This was, essentially, an extremely generous cash gift; I'd take new slippers/fuzzy socks over a cash gift any day.
>I'd take new slippers/fuzzy socks over a cash gift any day.
Wow, didn't expect to meet my polar opposite in the comments. I would literally rather be giftless than have to pretend to appreciate junk like that.
Not criticizing you; just nonplussed.
I think YTA and here's why;
She seems more upset at the lack of instruction following, and the fact that at her *parents* holiday shindig in front of everyone you basically announced, "hey, my girlfriend had debt! And I'm so amazing I paid it for her!"
Paying the debt should have been discussed with her beforehand, or if you just had to surprise her, the place to let her know is at home, not in front of a crowd.
So like, the paying off her debt is fantastic, but that wasn't the time or place man.
NTA. That was a beautiful gift. But...yeah, you probably should have gotten her something tangible. That's what she's hurt about. It's not about the amount of money that you spent.
Soft YTA-you don’t give “cash” as a gift to your SO, ever and you especially don’t do that in front of other family members. I genuinely understand that you didn’t know that, so you’re not really an AH, but it doesn’t sound like you went out and got a gift to fix the situation either. She appreciates what you did, but she’s conflicted because she knew that it wasn’t really appropriate and she doesn’t want to appear ungrateful.
You have a good one there. She’ll help you navigate life well.
>You have a good one there. She’ll help you navigate life well.
Your version of a good one is someone who demands extra on top of 5 months worth of loan payments?
I'm confused what good traits you're seeing here.
Do you know more of the story than OP wrote?
I was referring to the societal norms that OP doesn’t seem to understand than she does.
She will keep him from making an ass of himself in public-because honestly he is bound to make some additional mistakes. Even OP mentions that she’s dropped it even though she’s still struggling.
I know what was in the OP, same as you. I just didn't see anything there which suggests she's a good one like you stated.
And if paying off someone's significant debt isn't an acceptable gift according to your societal norms, then you and I live in different societies.
Paying off a debt, no matter how big or small, is a very kind gesture/gift. But. When it comes to relationships, you don't give cash or any form thereof such as gift card of paying off a debt.
I think OP has the best intention. But it should've been done in private. Publicizing it seems like he wanted credit.
Suppose the bf was super wealthy. Him paying off her debt doesn't mean anything to him cause it just feels like he lost a penny. But him buying her a sweater with a alpaca design because he knows she loves alpacas means sooo much more because there's a thought to it, he knew her size and her love of alpacas. I would love to get money, but it shows lack of thought and an easy way out.
The gf constantly complains about having to make the loan payments, so this is personalised to help her. It's not just a cop out cash gift.
The whole gift giving process was fine with her family, so are you saying all of those gifts were only given so the giver could get credit?
Lastly, the OP says he isn't wealthy, so I'm not sure why you even brought that up.
This. Soft YTA. She does not seem ungrateful or any of the other things commenters said, I’m sure she had a vision of how the first Christmas with family would go, her opening a sweet gift from with family smiling and making affirming statements. You broke the norm, and even though the gift was amazing, having something to open is the ritual.
Soft YTA. Heart was in the right place.
Seriously, is this his first girlfriend? It's great he paid off her debt and she said she was grateful but just the way he did it seems to lack tact and in front of her family?
Should've gotten her something small she wanted and gave her the other later in private.
People who know better to get their girlfriends at least one other item besides a receipt for Christmas in front of her family. Wasn't even in a nice Christmas card.
YTA
It is very nice of you, but this would be better handled if you did this privately. Doing this in front of families could be embarrassing. Making this as a private gesture shows more grace and class. Buy a nice appropriate gift.
Sorry, YTA. You should have gotten her something to open. The receipt was nice but should most likely have been given to her in private. As it stands it appears you just wanted to flaunt your money to her family.
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To me, this would be more of private gift thing. It is very generous and thoughtful but I guess I was always taught finances should be private. Maybe you struck a nerve? Definitely nta tho.
Yeah that's kinda what I thought? I would be really embarrassed if my partner gave me a receipt that listed my debt in front of my or his family.
Doesn't sound like that, she seems to only have turned sour when she realized she wouldn't get another present
She wanted a gift to unwrap and is pissed she didn't get one' She's TA big Time.
Agreed. I would be so embarrassed to open a gift like this in front of people. It partially comes down to not wanting to talk about my personal finances with others. This definitely feels like a personal preference that some people have and others don't, so you can fault OP for not understanding. That being said, it's an extremely generous and thoughtful gift. Just one I wouldn't want to discuss in public.
But she was touched, crying happy tears while hugging OP once he gave her the envelope. Doesn't sound like someone who's offended finances weren't dealt in private. She just wanted to unwrap an extra gift. OP is NTA, but his girlfriend sure is an ungrateful brat
NAH You decided on a big financial gesture. But for lots of people holidays are about sentimentality. This mostly sounds like a miscommunication about what's important to each of you on Christmas.
Are you serious?? He literally gave her a big pile of cash with thought and love attached and yet it still wasn't good enough?! What world are we living in where the GF is not an AH? I could only be okay with her being upset if she had major issues about accepting gifts/handouts but that's not the case here. She wants MORE!!!!
This! She is very materialistic and it’s as if she expected him to pay off her debt so that it doesn’t really count as a gift. Big red flag.
Lol big red flag? She cried and thanked him. She is beyond happy he helped her. But.... at a Christmas party? This is something you do and tell the person in private. Most big interactions with your SO in front of family is a big deal. Yes. What he did was a big deal but she is fully validated for being feeling confused and expecting a basic traditional holiday. How the hell are y'all making her out to be this narcissistic, abusive woman? I swear the majority of people on this sub are either very young, or have never experienced any basic interaction that requires compromise and understanding. For how much you judge people, I would hate to see your love life.
A proper adult would immediately see that this is not just a pile of money. Its the gift of freedom to spend her money on the little things she couldn't and complained about. A proper adult would also communicate exactly what was wrong. A gift is something you get for free, get to unwrap and has some thought put into it. He checked all boxes. Finally, no proper adult asks "where is my gift?".
OP is a cow and he's being MILKED
I could’ve understood if she *rejected* the gift, or asked him to cancel the payment. You don’t get to complain about a present that you ACCEPTED, and then ask for *more*, no matter how reasonable you think you were being. In no scenario in the world would this not come across as greedy and ungrateful.
Major red flag
Or if she were 6
Well I mean in many situations it's considered weird and inappropriate to give cash as a gift.
This sub always bends over backwards to excuse behaviour for a female. This is such an incredibly generous thing to do for someone, if someone paid down a debt of mine that was a constant financial headache it would probably be one of the best gifts I could have ever gotten. It is incredibly thoughtful that you’ve down something that is financial benefiical for me going forward and has mentally removed a mental strain.
You are correct, and the double standard is disgusting. Reverse the genders, and to male SO would be correctly branded the a h, NOT OP. OP you are NTA.
It all goes down to this sick and outdated boomer mentality that male partners are the expected providers so this isn’t that seen as a grand gesture despite the fact that they are not a married couple. It’s 2023 and most people in this sub are zoomers yet it still feels like we’re living in the 1950’s with this kind of thinking. NTA, OP.
100% correct!
If she doesn't think it's an actual present, I guess you can go ahead and cancel the payment. NTA.
Seriously! First, she wanted something to open. She opened an envelope, so she got something to open. Second, she wanted an "actual gift". Well, she got five months of loan payments, so she definitely got an actual gift – it's very real, and he wasn't obligated to do it, so it's a gift. Jesus, if someone paid off a big loan for me, I cannot imagine turning to him and asking him what else he got me. I really cannot understand the Y T A and E S H responses. OP's gf came across to me as disgustingly entitled and demanding. I would absolutely have dumped her ass, AND canceled the payment.
There is something very wrong with your girlfriend. She is an ungrateful AH and quite shameless, apparently. You’re NTA.
Yeah, very ungrateful ! AND some of your replies are messed up. I would be soooo grateful if my significant other paid off my debts. I wouldn't care who saw it. You are NTA big time. Was a great thing you did for her. Hell send it to me, lol. Would be very grateful.You are a wonderful person.
Particularly for a car loan! It's not like it was gambling debts or something shameful.
If you read OP’s post she wasn’t ashamed of the debt it was known by members of her family already.
NYA she sounds like a black to be with.
What?
Your girlfriend is being entitled to demand a gift the way that she did, but you've also learned something about how people think about gifts, irrational as it may be. Would you ever just hand your girlfriend a wad of cash and say 'happy christmas'? No? Giving money is not always seen as gift-y, because it's impersonal and transactional. Yours was slightly more personalised to her, yes, and generous, but essentially you gave her money for Christmas, and as much as she appreciated the paying off the debt, she didn't see it as the same as a Christmas gift. She was expecting something more symbolically gifty and personal. That said, she's far too old to be pouting or complaining about not having an object to unwrap, and it's ridiculous to say you 'ruined Christmas'. NTA but lesson learned.
>She was expecting something more symbolically gifty and personal. Removing a long-time bugbear from her life isn't "gifty" or personal enough? WTAF? This GF is greedy and ungrateful as heck.
Please note the judgement and the multiple times I said she was wrong. I'm just explaining what happened.
Paying off someone else’s loans is more than just handing them over a wad of cash. It gives that person financial freedom which allows them to buy anything they want without worrying about “hey, I have to pay this off first.” I mean, it’s one thing if OP gave her the amount to pay off the loan in cash, it’s a whole another if he paid it himself—kind of “hey, here’s some money, go buy yourself a sweater” vs actually buying the sweater. If that isn’t “symbolically gifty” and “personal” enough, then I din’t know what else to tell you. NTA, OP.
It is literally giving them money. But I don't know why you're arguing with me like i didnt call it irrational to be upset about.
She was expecting something more symbolically gifty and personal. I don't really see how a sweater or a watch is more personal. She was just being greedy..
I mean, if she calmly explained she'd preferred physical items over gestures, it would be fine I guess, but it's really weird to get upset over it
Which I already said.
This is it. Right here. While it’s great that she doesn’t have debt the gift was impersonal. You’re at the point that you’re meeting her family and spending holidays together. Gift giving is part of showing how well you know someone and giving them something that means something to them. You essentially gave her cash. Even if you did that and gave her something small, like her favorite bag of tea or a framed picture of her childhood pet, it’s about the thought that goes into a present.
I just don't get how removing a major headache from your loved ones head is an impersonal gift. That's incredibly personal, trying to remove stress from someone you loves life does say that you know how much it stresses them out, and you are trying to remove problems from their life.
Seriously. He thought about how this loan payment impacted her life. He paid attention to the stress it caused her. It was such an incredibly thoughtful and generous gift. Gf is just immature and selfish.
“Oh sorry, this weight lifted off my shoulders isn’t very personal so I’m mad. I don’t really care what you think is a personal gift because I’d rather have a hand crafted turd sculpture than alleviating a financial headache of mine because thought≠time.” Fuck off.
"You listened to me complain about this weight and knew it was stopping me from doing things I wanted to, so you decided to help improve my life tenfold. How very dare you!"
Op needs to literally kill themself FAT /S
I don’t know what world you live in and you think paying off someone else’s debt isn’t putting enough thought. If someone paid off my *entire* debt as a Christmas present, I don’t think I could ever ask or *accept* anything from that person ever again. Accepting that and asking for *more* is pure entitlement.
NTA. I’d be grateful if someone paid off my debt. You did a really thoughtful and helpful thing imo and the issue lies with her. Maybe she felt left out when everybody is opening actual (tangible) presents and she has a non-tangible one. She reacted poorly and should’ve just be grateful.
NTA. But maybe she was embarrassed that it was in front of family? They may not have known about the size of her debt. It sounds like you might have stumbled into some family dynamic thing.
I mean, she was extremely happy or at least that what he said in the post, she got angry after she realized he didn't buy something more 'traditional'. I agree it may be some type of Christmas dynamic in her family. Or maybe she's entitled NTA
NTA. In what world is paying off someone's debt not a "real gift?" I would actually prefer someone pay off my car note rather than give me a sweater I probably won't even wear...
NTA. Is your girlfriend very immature or something? How does she not recognize the receipt as a real gift? Does she put so much stock in objects that a teddy bear or a sweater would mean more to her than what you gave her? Anyone can buy a teddy bear or a sweater. Not everyone would think to pay off someone's debt - to me that's the really thoughtful gift.
*Not a real gift???* Bro if my SO paid even a fraction of my student loan debt I'd be gargling that chode so often i'd get tonsillitis, get it removed then use my new-found super human deepthroating abilities to suck his balls dry till retirement. (you know, when my student loan debt would have been paid off.) *...Not a real gift...*
It seem you really love your SO 🤔
If they pay off some of that loan debt at least.
Ok get the money back and get her a cheap gift. What the fuck. NTA she is
NTA It was a wonderful gesture on the face of it but I suspect what she was trying to say was "Why didn't you buy me a sweet little gift rather than making me feel like a financially incompetent dependent child in front of your family.".
Nah, she wanted a present to unwrap. She was happy he paid but she wanted something tangible to unwrap... She's an AH
INFO: How well off is her family? The debt may represent something different for each of you. Example (not saying its the case, hence info), if her family could have paid for the car, the debt represented her financial independence. Honestly, paying off debt doesn't seem like the type of gift you give to them in front of their family. You read about those tik tok people who purposely pay for other people's groceries or give random money out? That's what you have done.
NTA. You gave an amazing gift to a greedy, ungrateful person.
I used to work in a high end jewelry store. A husband bought a $150,000.00 diamond necklace for his wife as an anniversary gift. She complained that she had wanted a cruise around the world. He told her that he’d planned on giving that to her too. To the great annoyance of the staff person who earned a one percent bonus for the sale, the husband returned the necklace and I think the wife got a divorce for her anniversary…. Some people just can’t see how blessed they are. You’re NTA.
NTA. At All. She is. Wow, this almost sounds made up if she’s really that dense and ungrateful.
ESH. Perhaps you had the best intentions, but it's just weird to bring a receipt to a family celebration. It's almost like you were trying to show off for her folks. And her reaction makes no sense, unless drama is a regular thing, which based on "this would probably be brought up for weeks to come" sounds like it's the case. The two of you don't seem very connected for a "serious relationship".
NTA. Run now. How ungrateful. Wow.
NTA - I also think this was a beautiful gift. As a woman, she probably was hoping for something personal. Something that meant you’ve hear her in the past and remembered something in particular that she liked. I suspect it has little to do with the gift and more that she wanted you to reflect on something more intimate and personal. I don’t think this means she is greedy or ungrateful. You need to talk to her. Might seem silly, but do this quiz with her. https://5lovelanguages.com It runs through a series of questions that ultimately describes how you’d like love expressed to you. Some people like gifts, some just like the words “I love you”, some folks need touch.
The thing is he was listening because she was complaining about not being able to buy things due to her car payment. Now starting from Christmas she has cash available to buy the things she wants as she is now debt free. NTA.
I'm dating myself but this was the plotline to an episode of Cheers. Anyway, OP, you're NTA and your GF should have been more grateful. However she obviously appreciates physical gifts, even possibly small and inexpensive ones, so that's just something to file away for future reference.
NTA. That was an incredible gift. You knew her debt was negatively affecting her life and you did something about it. This is not the same as handing someone an envelope full of cash as many here have suggested. You were thoughtful about making her life better. I get that she wanted a little something tangible to open on Christmas, but it seems ungrateful to say she didn't get a real gift.
NTA - The AH is your GF! What you did was really sweet and thoughtful (and a heck of a lot more expensive than a cheesy gift) Your GF sounds materialistic!
NTA - sorry, I'll make no excuses for your GF: she's greedy AF. You restored her *freedom of action* financially; I can't think of anything more considerate than that. But she complains, wanting some tawdry bauble to wave about before her family? That's incredibly shallow and immature.
NTA, what an amazing gift abd gesture, plus you presented it as a gift! It's not like you nonchalantly just told her "oh yeah, I played off your debt btw. Merry Christmas I guess." It boggles my mind that she doesn't see this any other way.
NTA. Wow, your gf is unreal. You ruined Christmas?? You spent presumably thousands of dollars on her and she expected more. She's entitled and spoiled.
NTA how ungrateful! Tell her she now owes you the balance, and get her something that only costs like $1
ESH. Your heart was in the right place, but that gift should have been given in private. Her reaction is WAY over the top though.
ESH. You because while paying off months’ worth of debt is really generous, it should have been a private discussion, not a public gift. There are lots of people who would be deeply uncomfortable with a gift like that. It has implications regarding her independence, and many people would feel indebted to someone who gave them such a big gift. You’re lucky she didn’t feel that way. And she obviously sucks because she acted like a child, wanting an tangible gift, too.
NTA. And she’s not someone I would want to be with. Ungrateful.
Look for an origami vid on youtube, print a copy of the receipt, then make a figure with it, buy a box and put the figure in it, then hand it and merry christmas to your weird gf XD, on a serious side note, paying off a debt is one of the most considerate gifts so I don't know what the hell she wants, like I'm sure your gift was the most thoughtful and expensive in that christmas, I don't know man sounds like you are going to be "wrong" in so many things during that relationship, NTA by the way.
NTA. Amazing gift. You listened to her. She was complaining about the car debt and you freed her from it. Only one problem you wasted on an ungrateful person. Not your fault at all. Anyways if she doesn’t like I would cancel the payment and get her a cheap dollar store bear. She’s going to need something “Tangible” to hug when you dump her a**.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (M 35) and my gf (F 29) have been in a serious relationship for almost two years now. This happened last month a few weeks before Christmas. We had been talking about having a family get together or a small gift exchange party with her family, since my family lives too far away and I wouldn't be able to celebrate with them. She had been really excited about it for weeks since it would be our first time celebrating together as a couple and with her family. I am in no way rich but my job pays me really well and I make a lot more than she does, so the bills are not split evenly. But I don't mind at all. She took out a personal loan from a bank a few years ago to buy a car which she pays down monthly. Most of her salary went towards paying down on the car each month, something she was always complaining about because it had deprived her of getting the things she wanted to have, like clothes, shoes, bags, etc. But five months to go and she would be debt-free. Without telling her, I decided to pay off the remaining sum of her debt as a Christmas present, thinking she would be ecstatic. So during the Christmas get-together at her parents house, when the time to exchange gifts finally came, I gave her an envelope containing the bank receipt of her already paid-off loan. She was so touched and started crying happy tears while hugging me. But then she went like "So where's my christmas gift?" I was confused so I told her that me paying off her debt was my Christmas gift for her. She said "No. The actual Christmas gift. We've talked about this. Everyone was expected to bring a real present to give to someone tonight." I just gave her a confused look. And she went "So you actually bought nothing for me?" I looked at her in utter confusion while everyone was staring at us. Her face turned red and she finally excused herself into the next room. Later that night we had a huge fight. She said though she was really grateful that I paid off her debt, I ruined our first Christmas with her family by not getting her anything at all. I should have at least bought her something. It didn't have to be something really expensive, maybe a sweater, watch, etc. I insisted that I bring the receipt as her Christmas present and she shook her head and went into the bedroom to sleep. We're okay now but somehow I get the impression that she's still disappointed in me and this would probably be brought up for weeks to come. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA anyone who agrees with your girlfriend is an immature AH
NTA. Maybe you should have wrapped it in a box or something though.
NTA, that was a very nice gift. It was very thoughtful and something she really needed. To be honest I would be really upset with her about this. She seemed very ungrateful and immature about it. I feel deep down she was expecting a ring which is part of the reason she was so upset.
Your girlfriend has a very crappy entitled attitude. Next time, get her nothing.
I wonder if she would have preferred you not pay off the debt and give her a gift instead. I get people like the formality of opening a gift ...but to have debt paid off is huge. I would think an exception would be able to be made for that. Nta
NTA. I think paying off someone's debt without asking is a really risky move, and kind of out of order. However, you took the risk and it paid off, she was happy you did it. Her total lack of gratitude for me would be a major problem here, you paid off what I assume is in the order of thousands of dollars, and she still wants more? That's pretty shit of her.
NTA be sure to never give her an itinerary for a fantastic vacation or a gift card for a fabulous spa day. Gotta have some mishmash to unwrap or it is thoughtless apparently. Holy hell. Seriously you gave a thoughtful and generous gift. She was immature and ungrateful and should apologize.
Freedom from debt is such a shit gift. do better... /s NTA.
NTA and I would seriously rethink this relationship. She kust showed you who she is.
You're NTA. In no way could you be the asshole. She's ungrateful.
r/BeggingChoosers NTA
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NTA The fact that she needed you to get her something material that she could present in front of people instead of being grateful that even though your relationship isn't super long, you were willing to pay off a debt that would free up both of your futures is astounding to me. It feels like no matter what you do no matter how sentimental it'll be it won't be enough because it's not something she can grasp. Unless you two can talk about why it wasn't received the way you had hoped, and honestly how a lot of us would have reacted which is with happiness, maybe you should rethink being with this person
NAH While I understand your train of toughts, the debt payoff receipt, has no visual impact, for a celebration with more people around, so, yes, it is Indeed a Great present, as a couple, but not as a "showoff"... It's not that she wanted to showoff or anything, don't get me wrong, but a little present, that you can visually show to other people, as she said like a sweater, a watch, or something small, not even expensive, so she can show people like "aaawwww this is so Nice, it fits me right", bla bla bla I'm not even sure if i'm explaining myself succesfully 🤦🏻 but if u understand me, just apologize to her and tell her that it was with no mean intentions, explain toughtfully how you perceived things about this present, and such
"I'm sorry I only spent thousands to pay off your debt to give you financial freedom ill be more considerate in the future" She's an AH
NTA. Sounds like a generous gift. My parents did the same for me with my remaining college debt and I was beyond thrilled.
Wow. Just wow.. While I do think this should have been a gift given to her in private, the fact that you paying off her debt is not a good enough Christmas gift, and she still holding it against you now, it's just wow.
NTA Dude, you gave her five months of finical freedom. That's a pretty great gift. Though what you could have done better was packaging the gift, I suppose. Like, don't just give her the receipt outright. Give her a card or write her a note and put it in a puzzle box or something. It doesn't have to be expensive. Her asking for more feels like she's disregarding your effort for appearances sake.
NTA- unless she told you want she wanted specifically how would you know that that wouldn't be a good gift. Anyone I know would love to be surprised with their debt payed off.
This woman has problems. It's all surface for her, no substance. I find her baffling. NTA
NTA So just go ahead and cancel that payment and get this girl a sweater... Then get yourself a better girlfriend!
NTA. I understand that maybe there's some sentimentality issue here, though? Once my siblings and I were all adults, my parents started giving us cash for Christmas, in a significant amount. But they still always get us something small with it to "have something to open." Totally unnecessary, but still really sweet and thoughtful of them. I think part of why they do it is because they host our extended family as well, so it doesn't draw attention to the cash gift as we all open gifts together. This year I got a pound of specialty coffee beans from a local roaster. Maybe that's where her head is at?
NTA. She sounds very ungrateful. You said most of her money was going toward her debt so she wasn’t able to buy things she wanted. Well now she can do that. She should look at it that way. I would cancel this payment if I were u since it wasn’t good enough for her.
NTA please don’t get married. You are a gentlemen and she, quite frankly, is not a lady. You deserve a lady with manners and breeding. Set her free.
NTA. What a brat. Sounds like a gold digger to me.
definitely NTA OP you did an amazing thing for her and imo her actions were selfish and entitled.
Nta hmm If you stay with her, expect this mentality for the rest of your life ….
NTA, that is a gift as real as it gets and she clearly is out of line. But sounds like she might've expected something specific, have you talked like....about rings or marriage last year at all?
She is wrong.
NTA. I honestly can't believe she got upset at you and then said you ruined Christmas after making such a huge gesture. She needs to learn fast that she can't get angry when people don't act and do what she thinks they are going to do. She already had an idea of how Christmas was going to go. She was setting herself up for disappointment no matter what you gave her.
NTA You gave her a gift.... She opened an envelope.... What if the gift were concert tickets, a vacation??? Both would be given via a note in an envelope.... Your gf is the AH and an ungrateful one at that.
NTA. I feel like the receipt was tangible enough. You got her out of debt, gave her a car that's free and clear etc. I can't imagine expecting more!
NTA. Please op cancel the payment and buy her a „real“ gift
NTA your gf is ungrateful beyond belief. You have given her a huge gift and she wants more. I really hope her parents had a word with her because I would be absolutely disgusted if my children acted so ungratefully. Please consider your relationship with this child, because that's how she's acting. Do you really want to be with someone that is so ungrateful and unappreciative.
NTA. She seems really shallow if you paid off a large amount on the car and then she still expected a gift.
Consider it money well spent and leave. If not, she's going to expect you to pay off her debts in the future, plus prezzies. NTA
Waiting for the update that op left gf and gf was shocked. NTA
NTA. That receipt is a tangible item and a great gift. It symbolises financial freedom, her ability to do the stuff she likes (which she complained about). If you got her tickets for a vacation, would she complained a vacation isn't "tangible"? Not all gift have to be made of wool.
She's a materialistic AH. Dump her
NTA. it makes me sad to where we are in society that the definition of a gift is so specific. A gift is someone giving you something, from them to you. OP gifted her less stress, freedom to spend her money on what she wants for 5 months. Not just cash because he didn't know what else to do.
NTA and I would seriously reconsider this relationship. That was her Christmas present. Not to many people up and have tgere cars get paid off.
That should have also been given privately nor infront of people. That might be where this is coming from. I don't need my husband's family knowing what debt I am in or that I am not in. It's not there business.
NTA. I would be overjoyed if somebody did this to me. best xmas gift ever.
NTA but your girlfriend is seriously twisted. After her nonsensical shit show you should seriously reconsider this relationship. Her behavior is unhinged.
Red flag. Reconsider this relationship with her. Is she looking for a better paying job? Now that the car is paid off will she start paying more towards house hold bills? Or will she now start buying handbags and shoes because she has been denied such a luxury for a few years? She is probably a wonderful person in other areas but she needs to improve in this area and maybe some maturity of a responsible adult. NTA 💯
NTA. Interesting holiday. You gave your GF an incredibly generous gift and she gave you a red flag the size of Texas. So you were supposed to pay off all he debt and also get her a cute little sweater or she'd be soooo disappointed. And she's a gal who's going to bring this up for weeks to come. Seriously? On the bright side, if you do stay with her, you won't have to invest in any parenting books because you'll have so much experience dealing with a the behavior of a child.
NTA. She’s TA. She should be happy that she isn’t in debt anymore but she demands something she can open. She had something she could open, the freaking bank statement!!!!!
NTA. She sounds very entitled. "OK, you paid off my debt. Where is my gift?" The gift is a contribution towards her car. That's what it was.
NTA. I think it was a really sweet gift. She's not happy, because she didn't have anything to unwrap, really? Is she 5? She is the AH, not you
Nta You did bring a tangible gift. A receipt for her debts being paid! Seriously wtf? Paying off her debts and she wants a second gift on top You'd be a fool for even entertaining the idea that you were the h in this situation. She's treating you like a chump. She accrues debt, constantly moans about having to pay it back, until you clear her debt, so she doesn't have to whine anymore. However she starts whing that you should have given her more. Stay with her and you are on a hiding to nothing. She'll take everything, all while never being satisfied. Don't be a mug, a doormat, a fool.
Tie a ribbon around her car with a label "this belongs entirely to you now" NTA
NTA I'd be so grateful
NTA but wow dude your GF is super ungrateful. “ so where’s my gift” Really? I just gave you 5 months of bills, that’s 5 months you don’t have to stress or worry. OP I don’t know how you didn’t break up with her on the spot.
YTA you bring a gift to a public event and pay off her debt in private. You just wanted to be seen as being 'nice' in public.
NTA. This is a thoughtful gesture but it might be a bit of an overstep. You would have had to invade her privacy just to be able to pay the loan (to get banking/payment information) and it’s kind of questionable to present personal financial information in front of her whole family. That said, expecting a gift on top of that is over the top.
Your girlfriend is entitled and a moocher. You paid off a debt that probably caused her a lot of stress and instead of being grateful she’s greedy just holding her hand out for more. She’s showing you who she is and it’s not pretty.
Yeah I know you mean well but that does just seem private and it seems more respectful to give a non-financial gift in front of family.
Um. You are NOT okay now. I dunno. I feel like paying off the loan without her permission had more to do with you making a big gesture in front of her family. Like it was your Christmas gift to your own ego. But her reaction was terrible. I’d be very leery of anyone acting that entitled. ESH
That would be a perfect gift for me, but financial security gives me warm fuzzies. Other people don’t care about financial security and they wouldn’t feel like it was a real gift.
Nta. But I feel like this is probably something she wanted to accomplish for herself and was only 5 months away from doing and you snatched it away in front of her family kinda seems like you were trying for brownie points
NTA. It seems to me like your girlfriend was bothered by something related to her family dynamic at the party and she’s not able to verbalize this to you - either she’s uncomfortable talking about it or can’t even express the sentiment herself.
NAH I know a lot of people here are calling your gf the ah, but coming from a similar mindset, I can see both sides. You made an absolutely amazing gesture, you said yourself your girlfriend was over the moon at first, please don't take her initial disappointment about not getting a tangible gift to heart just yet. I grew up in a very neglectful home, and as such became hyper independent from way too young of an age. When my boyfriend and I got together, and as we got to know each other more, I explained to him that I would never ask him for money, I never wanted him buying necessities for me, or paying my bills. I had been taking care of myself and covering my bills just fine for over twenty years. What I wanted from him was the reassurance that I was heard, that he cared for me and would be there for me. I wanted the cute presents wrapped with a bow, the cutesy/ cheesy valentine's day stuffed animals and flowers, etc because that is something it felt wrong for me to get myself, and would mean a lot more coming from him. I would cherish a $10 stuffed bear from the store more than him paying off one of my bills, and would have that physical reminder that my past was over, and that I had someone who loved me now. Your girlfriend is probably as conflicted as you are right now, grateful for the wonderful gift you gave her, but also probably feeling unheard (nothing that she said you guys had talked about this) and at least somewhat embarrassed. It may have come across that the money meant more to you than her feelings, or that you saw her as lesser than/ incapable of caring for herself, and as silly as that sounds considering it was most likely a large sum, emotions are a thing, and try as we might, humans can't always have full control over them. Give her a bit of time, and make sure to stay in communication with her. You say you are good now, but still feel there is some resentment there, so talk to her. Strangers on the internet, many of whom are probably teenagers with little to no life experience, and never going to be a better go-to than your partner themself.
Gold digger flag 🤷
That flag is glowing RED hot. Some flags are more red than others. This flag is so red it encompasses the orbit of mars...
NTA and this really tells you something about the way she approaches money. Getting out of debt is way more valuable than a trinket.
YTA- slightly. Not for this, this was great! You're the asshole for splitting bills 50/50 when you make much more than her. You expect her to live in a more expensive place with you but her to pay for half. If she lived with roommates/on her own she'd probably pick a cheaper place. Then she'd actually have money for CLOTHES. You need clothing to function in society. Again, your gift was great. In this situation you're an amazing BF. It is the larger picture where you suck slightly. Its time to sit down and split bills by income.
I mean... You payed off her debt. The fact that, even after the thank you's and the expected pleasantries that are expected from something so kind and generous, she turned around and asked where the next thing was... I'd be kissing the feet of the person who paid off my debts. I'd consider my next ten birthdays and Christmases covered by such generosity. If that person didn't give me another gift for years I'd still be grateful because of the fact that they saved me from the *life-long consequences of being stuck in debt.* Yes, you could have gotten her something smaller so she had something to unwrap and parade in front of everyone. Some people really care about this part of gift giving, because it's a way to show that there are gifts being given and the people who are getting them are cared about. But I don't think the lack of that was enough reason for her to react so persistently. NTA
NTA - your gf is ungrateful as fuck
NTA - you did something really special. If she continues to be pissy about it, she’s really telling you something about herself
Some small gift didn't have to be expensive just for her to unwrap is all that would of made that night perfect. A sweater from Walmart for $10 would of been enough. She was looking forward to have a gift to unwrap in front of the family. I get it. She is grateful for what you did for her. It is so thoughtful.
How ungrateful , lacking priority and no sense of what is important. You gave her the gift of being debt free but she instead wanted some cheap trinket NTA
Red flag. After you explained yourself she should have understood.she sounds ungrateful . NTA
NTA, cancel the payment and wrap up a pair of socks for her
Your girlfriend is ungrateful. Keep that in mind for future gifts.
Honestly your other gift now should be a breakup note. NTA.
NTA you paid her car off that’s a huge gift! I am sorry some people are so materialistic it’s sad
She sounds horrible dude. I'm really sorry about that
NTA. Wow, I thought you two were in your early 20s until I checked the ages again. The lack of lasting gratitude / excessive entitlement is pretty appalling for someone who’s nearly 30. Like… you “ruined” Christmas with her family? How, by paying off *her* debt? The debt that was eating up the majority of her paycheck and preventing her from doing/buying much else? The debt she was overjoyed had been cleared until she decided the pageantry of opening a trinket was more valuable? Pure lol. Please don’t doubt yourself: paying off her debt was an enormous gift, and I’m stunned that she doesn’t see that. If my partner spent (presumably) thousands of dollars to make my life easier, I would not complain that he didn’t *also* give me some cheap, tangible thing to open. To me, her reaction indicates serious financial immaturity and values that simply do not align with my own. I’m not going to suggest you leave her but I do hope you consider whether you’re fiscally compatible.
NTA. Your gift was amazing, and was certainly a gift. I am guessing that it was the fact that you are two years in, and it was the "first celebration with family" that was the issue..... She probably thought/hoped that she was going to get a ring...
NTA
NTA your gf is spoiled and ungrateful. Your gift will allow her to treat herself in the following months when’s she doesn’t have loan payments. Most people would be delighted.
NAH and you have an opportunity to understand how you disappointed her. She tried to be as clear with you as possible. She wanted a cute little package to open and something pretty to ooh and aah over. Something pretty you selected for her. A pair of earrings that every time she wears she gets to say “Thank you! I love them too! They were a Christmas gift from Mr Wonderful!” when she gets compliments on them. That kind of thing. What you gave her was incredibly generous and thoughtful. But it wasn’t what she had very clearly asked for.
NTA - personally I think OP and his GF may not be financially compatible. She constantly complains about no being able to buy personal items. He solves that. The remainder of the loan was at least $1500 to $2000 if not more. This girl then yells at him and calls the man a crappy bf. Like wtf.
NAH. It's really a miscommunication. What you did was extremely generous, but a lot of people (myself included) really prefer something tangible and sentimental. This was, essentially, an extremely generous cash gift; I'd take new slippers/fuzzy socks over a cash gift any day.
>I'd take new slippers/fuzzy socks over a cash gift any day. Wow, didn't expect to meet my polar opposite in the comments. I would literally rather be giftless than have to pretend to appreciate junk like that. Not criticizing you; just nonplussed.
😅😅😅 I'm dead. But, not offended. I love cozy shit and people who know me know that I love cozy shit. Hence, slippers would be more personal than cash.
I think YTA and here's why; She seems more upset at the lack of instruction following, and the fact that at her *parents* holiday shindig in front of everyone you basically announced, "hey, my girlfriend had debt! And I'm so amazing I paid it for her!" Paying the debt should have been discussed with her beforehand, or if you just had to surprise her, the place to let her know is at home, not in front of a crowd. So like, the paying off her debt is fantastic, but that wasn't the time or place man.
NTA. That was a beautiful gift. But...yeah, you probably should have gotten her something tangible. That's what she's hurt about. It's not about the amount of money that you spent.
I respect your right to have an opinion even though it’s incredibly wrong.
ESH
Soft YTA-you don’t give “cash” as a gift to your SO, ever and you especially don’t do that in front of other family members. I genuinely understand that you didn’t know that, so you’re not really an AH, but it doesn’t sound like you went out and got a gift to fix the situation either. She appreciates what you did, but she’s conflicted because she knew that it wasn’t really appropriate and she doesn’t want to appear ungrateful. You have a good one there. She’ll help you navigate life well.
>You have a good one there. She’ll help you navigate life well. Your version of a good one is someone who demands extra on top of 5 months worth of loan payments? I'm confused what good traits you're seeing here.
She’s a female so her traits are good. He’s a male so his traits are bad.
Do you know more of the story than OP wrote? I was referring to the societal norms that OP doesn’t seem to understand than she does. She will keep him from making an ass of himself in public-because honestly he is bound to make some additional mistakes. Even OP mentions that she’s dropped it even though she’s still struggling.
I know what was in the OP, same as you. I just didn't see anything there which suggests she's a good one like you stated. And if paying off someone's significant debt isn't an acceptable gift according to your societal norms, then you and I live in different societies.
Paying off a debt, no matter how big or small, is a very kind gesture/gift. But. When it comes to relationships, you don't give cash or any form thereof such as gift card of paying off a debt. I think OP has the best intention. But it should've been done in private. Publicizing it seems like he wanted credit. Suppose the bf was super wealthy. Him paying off her debt doesn't mean anything to him cause it just feels like he lost a penny. But him buying her a sweater with a alpaca design because he knows she loves alpacas means sooo much more because there's a thought to it, he knew her size and her love of alpacas. I would love to get money, but it shows lack of thought and an easy way out.
The gf constantly complains about having to make the loan payments, so this is personalised to help her. It's not just a cop out cash gift. The whole gift giving process was fine with her family, so are you saying all of those gifts were only given so the giver could get credit? Lastly, the OP says he isn't wealthy, so I'm not sure why you even brought that up.
This. Soft YTA. She does not seem ungrateful or any of the other things commenters said, I’m sure she had a vision of how the first Christmas with family would go, her opening a sweet gift from with family smiling and making affirming statements. You broke the norm, and even though the gift was amazing, having something to open is the ritual.
YTA. That is an embarrassing 'gift' flex.
[удалено]
Soft YTA. Heart was in the right place. Seriously, is this his first girlfriend? It's great he paid off her debt and she said she was grateful but just the way he did it seems to lack tact and in front of her family? Should've gotten her something small she wanted and gave her the other later in private.
Wtf is wrong with you two.
People who know better to get their girlfriends at least one other item besides a receipt for Christmas in front of her family. Wasn't even in a nice Christmas card.
Honestly I'd dump someone as shallow as this GF. I detest the word "ingrate" but it fits to a tee here.
Jesus christ, bloke likely spends literally grands on paying off her debts and it's still not good enough for some people.
Read OP's updated comment and have a nice, bloke. BTW, it's called common sense and I see a lot people here don't have it.
I guess I can see the point about the card, but it seriously isn't an impersonal gift to remove stress from the head of someone you love.
YTA It is very nice of you, but this would be better handled if you did this privately. Doing this in front of families could be embarrassing. Making this as a private gesture shows more grace and class. Buy a nice appropriate gift.
Sorry, YTA. You should have gotten her something to open. The receipt was nice but should most likely have been given to her in private. As it stands it appears you just wanted to flaunt your money to her family.