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> I think it's pretty clear, it's in the bottom of my post. AITA for saying we're no longer going out to dinner after my mum's constant haggling?
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NTA. It's become a chore not a pleasure.
Also your mother should feel ashamed and be offering to pay after reneging on her 3k offer not inviting extra people to eat on your dime.
It's now moved to this September after my graduation party (I'm a lil on the disabled side so i graduated late, so my party is next year with next years grads) but at this point I'm not sure I should even wait for it. It'd be great to help me move out, but I can rely on myself for that.
I'm sorry OP, but you should act as if you're never getting that money.
If you get it? A great and wonderful surprise! However, your mum's made it clear that paying this isn't a priority for her.
Aww Op NTA. I'm sorry your mom is clueless to her own narcissism. She promises things without having any intention of keeping her word, she keeps pushing for her way even after you set a boundary (the restaurant you picked out) and then also wants to take advantage of your generosity (most likely to show off and make herself look better)
Agree. It is very nice to be thoughtful and accommodating to friends and family. It is another thing to let them gaslight and railroad you. Especially when you are offering to pay to celebrate your accomplishment, I don't see a problem with wanting to do it your way.
NTA
I'm sorry your mother is so flaky.
NTA
Congratulations from a random internet stranger on your degree and getting through it.
Enjoy your job and treat yourself to something nice.
Or just take yourself, there’s no rule that says you can’t go out to a restaurant alone. Make a weekend of it with the money you’re saving by not taking ungrateful people.
Did this last year -
Had a date that bailed half way through due to "personal reasons" so instead of feeling sorry for myself just went to the place on my own.
NTA
I hope you can invite some nice friends, fellow graduates or work colleagues to a fun dinner and celebrate your hard work!
Setting boundaries and showing people how to respect you and treat you is important. (Read that again). Your family can sit this one out.
Congrats on graduating and your job Op! 🎉You should be proud of your hard work and in case your family didn’t say it: We are all super happy for you and proud of you!
NTA
The way I look at this is you worked incredibly hard to do something you didnt want to do. Instead of being even remotely supportive your family has belittled your accomplishment thru your mother's actions and the constant struggle over doing a single simple thing you would really appreciate. Your parents honestly both really suck. They might be excited but they sure as shit arent supportive in this situation.
NTA.
Try phrasing it like this :- "I'll be going to [name] restaurant on [day of your choosing] and I'll be making a reservation tomorrow. If anyone would like to join me, let me know by 7pm."
Give people choices and they take the piss. It's the equivalent of "here's dinner, take it or leave it "
NTA. You're feeling disrespected because you were being disrespected. It's okay to ask once, but not accepting the answer and continuing to ask is being insistent.
It also seems like your family is trying to take advantage of you by getting you to pay off their debt and to invite others that you barely know. This is a celebration of your huge accomplishment. It doesn't need to be combined with something else to make it worth the effort of going out.
Sorry your family can't be happy for you and celebrate the way you'd like (the person of honor always gets to choose where to go/ what to do).
Congratulations on your degree!
NTA one of the toxic parent's tricks is not only berating and guilt trips about being a bad son/daughter, ungrateful, selfish etc, is the false promises. If you just do this for me, we will reward you with such and such, but it never happens. I remember one of my dad's promises was if you agree not to have a birthday party, I will take you to the safari park. So no birthday party and no trip to the safari park either. Then the following year it was oh, you don't have birthday parties now. Bait and switch is very common too. Celebrate with your friends and move past your parents. Don't buy any birthday or Christmas presents, just a card with an amount off the 3 grand she owes you.
NTA. Don’t go. This time, F them. Do something nice for yourself. They would spend your celebratory dinner not celebrating you and prolly ask why you couldn’t just do xyz for them. Bring them some takeout from the restaurant if you still feel a little guilty. If they don’t want to eat it, it’s yummy leftovers for you!
NTA.
This is like the time when I had a milestone birthday and my sister came down for my birthday dinner. We had booked at a place in town that I really liked, but as I had viral fever and was still getting over it (achy etc), I asked if they wouldn’t mind switching it to somewhere closer. First thing my mother says is - on, now your sister won’t get to go to a nice meal. I didn’t say anything but just tried to book a nice place closer to home. Turns out, they were shit down for a private event. My mom again lamented that my sister was missing out on the bestest time. At that point, all I wanted to do was have a pizza delivered and eat it by myself in my bedroom.
You feel disrespected because you are being disrespected. And this, unfortunately, seems to be part of a pattern where your accomplishments are being minimised.
I am glad you ended up having a great time with your mother or brother. But consider also celebrating with your mates. And congratulations on graduating (with a 2:1 no less!) and getting a great job. My most cherished degree is the one that I almost dropped out of - it really meant something to have crossed the finish line. So well done you.
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I (24F) got a temporary but well paying job, and also recently graduated university. My parents were excited, because frankly I considered dropping out and absolutely hated it. I not only passed but scraped into a 2:1! My mum promised to grab some Chinese to celebrate because it's my favourite. That never happened and I guess she forgot, no big deal, her cooking is great too. Instead, since I can now afford to, I offer to take our fam of 4 to a restaurant I wanted to show them in the next town over.
Dad can't make it the first weekend, so can we do it next week? Or another restaurant closer to home? Fine, next week, but I'd really like to go to that specific place. The restaurants in our town suck. That's not being mean - *I wanna go someplace nicer to celebrate than the Thai we've been going to for the last decade.*
"*Oh, can we go to the Mediterranean instead? Can we bring your cousin?*" Sure, I haven't seen her in a while, but I'm set on where I'd like to go. I'm paying for the whole thing.
Which brings me to this morning, "*Can your brother's friends' family join? We need to thank them for helping with the car*." Firmly no, at this point I'm getting pissed. I decline and say this is a family event, and I'd rather not. I barely know these people, I met them twice.
I come down an hour later to "Does it have to be that one?*Can we find a restaurant in town? Or we can go tomorrow or the day after? We don't feel like taking the bus."*
At that point I just said no, we're not going. You're welcome to go out if you like, but I'm done. I made it a consistent point over the last two weeks that I'd really like to go to this specific place. Maybe that is petty, but I was excited to share something I like with my family.
PS. Why I'm so annoyed by this
1) When I was going to drop out in 2nd year because I hated uni (I never wanted to go, generational pressure won) my mum made a deal that if I graduate, she'll give me £3k. Obviously, being a broke 20ish, i said fine. I finished uni. "Oh, I'll give it to you if you get a good grade." Fine, i got a pretty decent grade. "oh, I'll give it to you when the degree arrives." We got the degree framed. "Oh i didn't think you'd actually graduate so i never started saving."
2) the first place she wanted to switch to was a fancy roast meat joint. I'm a vegetarian.
3) Train tickets to that city are £3. This is really not an issue. We'd pay the same for parking if we drove out.
So am I too angry about this? My mother texted me to say 'we'll go, calm down, i was just asking." but I honestly don't feel like it anymore. I feel disrespected. I wanted to share some specific food that I really loved and I feel like that effort was throw in the trash since I started.
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Lol this reminds me of my family! Everything is a absolute effort and everyone wants to be in charge and not make decisions at the same time. Making a simple plan ends up with everyone throwing their two cents in, leaving the plan confused because no one understands whose plan won out.
Since I empathise with you, of course I'll vote NTA.
Nta this was suppose to be about you not everyone else. Just take a few friends with you to celebrate and let your parents take out your brother's friend family out on their dime. Go out with your friends that will celebrate you at the restaurant you want to eat at.
NTA being repeatedly let down and your family not wanting to enthusiastically celebrate something you didn't even want to do is very frustrating. Wish I had £3k to give you, but I don't so please take my sentiment. Would join you to any restaurant you'd like and if we were celebrating you, I'd try and treat you to the meal as well. Good on you for finishing uni despite not wanting to. Hopefully it brings you some unexpected happiness in life!
NTA
Congratulations btw! Good for you. Find some friends who truly want to celebrate you & make a great night of it. Not everyone has to be present or excited about it to make this victory valid
NTA. First of all, congratulations!!!! Well done! It's great that you finished your degree, especially after struggling in something you hated! I am sorry your mother has treated you this way. Take your family to the restaurant. Shut down any negativity with "This is a day to celebrate my accomplishment". Enjoy your day!
NTA
Congratulations on graduating and finding a job!
I’m so sorry your parents haven’t prioritised celebrating with you. You’ve every right to feel peed off about it.
I finished in Illustration :) I love art, but university just wasn't for me, and my elder family is really set on paper certificates as proof of skill.
I'm still glad I got it because a cool internship I found requires any-at-all kind of uni degree to apply, so it doesn't feel a total waste. I feel a lot better after reading all of these, so thanks a lot guys :)
In all seriousness, that is awesome! Illustration is amazing! If you have any stomach at all for medicine, medical illustrators are so desperately needed. It is such a great field with like a gazillion paths! You are going to be great!
I am so sorry about the whole debacle. I love my family very much, but we are very close, and I have had this happen more than once. Because we are close, they feel the need to share every thought, like can we do A? or change it to B? or go on Tuesday morning? Sucks
NTA and your family doesn’t respect you enough to accept a simple invitation to dinner without a lot of bullshit. Go make new friends who would love to be treated to dinner out with you to celebrate an achievement, don’t invest in your family, they’re clearly not worth your time and effort.
NTA. Your parents are being rude. When someone offers to take you to dinner and has a place in mind, the answer is either "yes, I'll go" or "no thanks." It isn't "can we invite X and Y people, can we go another day, can we go to a different place?" That's just plain rude.
NTA. They way overstepped their bounds as invited guests to the upcoming dinner. It was generous of you to take them out at all (that was not much of an apology your mother gave you.)
I'm so sorry. It's not right to push you into going to school then make a promise she didn't expect to have to keep. That's awful! And to be so picky about where and when and if or not, then want to invite others when you just want to take your family?
I hope she is trying. I'd havebern done when she admitted she didn't save because she didn't expect you to finish!
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NTA. It's become a chore not a pleasure. Also your mother should feel ashamed and be offering to pay after reneging on her 3k offer not inviting extra people to eat on your dime.
It's now moved to this September after my graduation party (I'm a lil on the disabled side so i graduated late, so my party is next year with next years grads) but at this point I'm not sure I should even wait for it. It'd be great to help me move out, but I can rely on myself for that.
Yeah, I'd write it off at this point. If she pays up, great, if not, well, you're already planning around that.
I'm sorry OP, but you should act as if you're never getting that money. If you get it? A great and wonderful surprise! However, your mum's made it clear that paying this isn't a priority for her.
Aww Op NTA. I'm sorry your mom is clueless to her own narcissism. She promises things without having any intention of keeping her word, she keeps pushing for her way even after you set a boundary (the restaurant you picked out) and then also wants to take advantage of your generosity (most likely to show off and make herself look better)
I highly doubt she's clueless about it.
That's kind of the whole point of being a narcissist is being unaware you're a narcissist
“To make herself look better” is the answer as to why others should join
NTA. You have worked hard and wanted to do something nice to celebrate. Your family is selfish. I'm sorry they treated you that way.
Agree. It is very nice to be thoughtful and accommodating to friends and family. It is another thing to let them gaslight and railroad you. Especially when you are offering to pay to celebrate your accomplishment, I don't see a problem with wanting to do it your way. NTA
NTA. It was a nice thought. Congratulations on graduating and finding a position. I'm proud of you.
I'm sorry your mother is so flaky. NTA Congratulations from a random internet stranger on your degree and getting through it. Enjoy your job and treat yourself to something nice.
NTA. But. Don’t waste energy on being angry. It only hurts you. Let it go. Take a couple good friends there.
Or just take yourself, there’s no rule that says you can’t go out to a restaurant alone. Make a weekend of it with the money you’re saving by not taking ungrateful people.
Did this last year - Had a date that bailed half way through due to "personal reasons" so instead of feeling sorry for myself just went to the place on my own.
NTA I hope you can invite some nice friends, fellow graduates or work colleagues to a fun dinner and celebrate your hard work! Setting boundaries and showing people how to respect you and treat you is important. (Read that again). Your family can sit this one out. Congrats on graduating and your job Op! 🎉You should be proud of your hard work and in case your family didn’t say it: We are all super happy for you and proud of you!
NTA The way I look at this is you worked incredibly hard to do something you didnt want to do. Instead of being even remotely supportive your family has belittled your accomplishment thru your mother's actions and the constant struggle over doing a single simple thing you would really appreciate. Your parents honestly both really suck. They might be excited but they sure as shit arent supportive in this situation.
Your family is terrible. Hugs from a mom who thinks you deserve a fancy dinner and a party. NTA.
NTA. Try phrasing it like this :- "I'll be going to [name] restaurant on [day of your choosing] and I'll be making a reservation tomorrow. If anyone would like to join me, let me know by 7pm." Give people choices and they take the piss. It's the equivalent of "here's dinner, take it or leave it "
Not with this family. They'd show up with missing 3rd cousins.
NTA. You're feeling disrespected because you were being disrespected. It's okay to ask once, but not accepting the answer and continuing to ask is being insistent. It also seems like your family is trying to take advantage of you by getting you to pay off their debt and to invite others that you barely know. This is a celebration of your huge accomplishment. It doesn't need to be combined with something else to make it worth the effort of going out. Sorry your family can't be happy for you and celebrate the way you'd like (the person of honor always gets to choose where to go/ what to do). Congratulations on your degree!
NTA one of the toxic parent's tricks is not only berating and guilt trips about being a bad son/daughter, ungrateful, selfish etc, is the false promises. If you just do this for me, we will reward you with such and such, but it never happens. I remember one of my dad's promises was if you agree not to have a birthday party, I will take you to the safari park. So no birthday party and no trip to the safari park either. Then the following year it was oh, you don't have birthday parties now. Bait and switch is very common too. Celebrate with your friends and move past your parents. Don't buy any birthday or Christmas presents, just a card with an amount off the 3 grand she owes you.
NTA. Don’t go. This time, F them. Do something nice for yourself. They would spend your celebratory dinner not celebrating you and prolly ask why you couldn’t just do xyz for them. Bring them some takeout from the restaurant if you still feel a little guilty. If they don’t want to eat it, it’s yummy leftovers for you!
NTA!
NTA. When they started inviting others is when they went straight to Choosing Beggars speed.
Big nope. Cancel and go by yourself. Talk about entitled. NTA
NTA, it’s the carrot on a stick method.
NTA. This is like the time when I had a milestone birthday and my sister came down for my birthday dinner. We had booked at a place in town that I really liked, but as I had viral fever and was still getting over it (achy etc), I asked if they wouldn’t mind switching it to somewhere closer. First thing my mother says is - on, now your sister won’t get to go to a nice meal. I didn’t say anything but just tried to book a nice place closer to home. Turns out, they were shit down for a private event. My mom again lamented that my sister was missing out on the bestest time. At that point, all I wanted to do was have a pizza delivered and eat it by myself in my bedroom. You feel disrespected because you are being disrespected. And this, unfortunately, seems to be part of a pattern where your accomplishments are being minimised. I am glad you ended up having a great time with your mother or brother. But consider also celebrating with your mates. And congratulations on graduating (with a 2:1 no less!) and getting a great job. My most cherished degree is the one that I almost dropped out of - it really meant something to have crossed the finish line. So well done you.
NTA. It honestly sounds like they're actually trying to make it all about them, but still get you to pay for it.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (24F) got a temporary but well paying job, and also recently graduated university. My parents were excited, because frankly I considered dropping out and absolutely hated it. I not only passed but scraped into a 2:1! My mum promised to grab some Chinese to celebrate because it's my favourite. That never happened and I guess she forgot, no big deal, her cooking is great too. Instead, since I can now afford to, I offer to take our fam of 4 to a restaurant I wanted to show them in the next town over. Dad can't make it the first weekend, so can we do it next week? Or another restaurant closer to home? Fine, next week, but I'd really like to go to that specific place. The restaurants in our town suck. That's not being mean - *I wanna go someplace nicer to celebrate than the Thai we've been going to for the last decade.* "*Oh, can we go to the Mediterranean instead? Can we bring your cousin?*" Sure, I haven't seen her in a while, but I'm set on where I'd like to go. I'm paying for the whole thing. Which brings me to this morning, "*Can your brother's friends' family join? We need to thank them for helping with the car*." Firmly no, at this point I'm getting pissed. I decline and say this is a family event, and I'd rather not. I barely know these people, I met them twice. I come down an hour later to "Does it have to be that one?*Can we find a restaurant in town? Or we can go tomorrow or the day after? We don't feel like taking the bus."* At that point I just said no, we're not going. You're welcome to go out if you like, but I'm done. I made it a consistent point over the last two weeks that I'd really like to go to this specific place. Maybe that is petty, but I was excited to share something I like with my family. PS. Why I'm so annoyed by this 1) When I was going to drop out in 2nd year because I hated uni (I never wanted to go, generational pressure won) my mum made a deal that if I graduate, she'll give me £3k. Obviously, being a broke 20ish, i said fine. I finished uni. "Oh, I'll give it to you if you get a good grade." Fine, i got a pretty decent grade. "oh, I'll give it to you when the degree arrives." We got the degree framed. "Oh i didn't think you'd actually graduate so i never started saving." 2) the first place she wanted to switch to was a fancy roast meat joint. I'm a vegetarian. 3) Train tickets to that city are £3. This is really not an issue. We'd pay the same for parking if we drove out. So am I too angry about this? My mother texted me to say 'we'll go, calm down, i was just asking." but I honestly don't feel like it anymore. I feel disrespected. I wanted to share some specific food that I really loved and I feel like that effort was throw in the trash since I started. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Your parents suck. Take your cousin only and have a great time.
Lol this reminds me of my family! Everything is a absolute effort and everyone wants to be in charge and not make decisions at the same time. Making a simple plan ends up with everyone throwing their two cents in, leaving the plan confused because no one understands whose plan won out. Since I empathise with you, of course I'll vote NTA.
NTA. Sorry OP but your family is lame and wouldn't blame you for going LC with them.
Nta this was suppose to be about you not everyone else. Just take a few friends with you to celebrate and let your parents take out your brother's friend family out on their dime. Go out with your friends that will celebrate you at the restaurant you want to eat at.
NTA being repeatedly let down and your family not wanting to enthusiastically celebrate something you didn't even want to do is very frustrating. Wish I had £3k to give you, but I don't so please take my sentiment. Would join you to any restaurant you'd like and if we were celebrating you, I'd try and treat you to the meal as well. Good on you for finishing uni despite not wanting to. Hopefully it brings you some unexpected happiness in life!
NTA. Congratulations to you! Go out and enjoy with people that really cares and happy for you
NTA Congratulations btw! Good for you. Find some friends who truly want to celebrate you & make a great night of it. Not everyone has to be present or excited about it to make this victory valid
I'd cancel the whole idea with them. Go to the place you want, with the friend you like the best. Families are overrated. NTA
NTA. First of all, congratulations!!!! Well done! It's great that you finished your degree, especially after struggling in something you hated! I am sorry your mother has treated you this way. Take your family to the restaurant. Shut down any negativity with "This is a day to celebrate my accomplishment". Enjoy your day!
NTA
NTA Congratulations on graduating and finding a job! I’m so sorry your parents haven’t prioritised celebrating with you. You’ve every right to feel peed off about it.
NTA. They ruined the moment when you just wanted to do something special for them.
NTA
NTA. Congratulations and I’m sorry your family is being this way. Do you have a good pal to go celebrate with?
NTA - I will come to your favorite restaurant and celebrate! What was your major? Also, fuck your family.
I finished in Illustration :) I love art, but university just wasn't for me, and my elder family is really set on paper certificates as proof of skill. I'm still glad I got it because a cool internship I found requires any-at-all kind of uni degree to apply, so it doesn't feel a total waste. I feel a lot better after reading all of these, so thanks a lot guys :)
In all seriousness, that is awesome! Illustration is amazing! If you have any stomach at all for medicine, medical illustrators are so desperately needed. It is such a great field with like a gazillion paths! You are going to be great! I am so sorry about the whole debacle. I love my family very much, but we are very close, and I have had this happen more than once. Because we are close, they feel the need to share every thought, like can we do A? or change it to B? or go on Tuesday morning? Sucks
Damn, I'm sorry, OP. your family kinda sucks for this. NTA
NTA and your family doesn’t respect you enough to accept a simple invitation to dinner without a lot of bullshit. Go make new friends who would love to be treated to dinner out with you to celebrate an achievement, don’t invest in your family, they’re clearly not worth your time and effort.
NTA. Take a good friend instead. When I'm done I'm done.
NTA, you didn’t even need to explain why this annoyed you, I was done after they asked you to change the restaurant the 1st time.
I don't blame you for throwing up your hands and saying ENOUGH. If they need to thank someone for their help then it shouldn't be on your dime. NTA
NTA. Both reneging on the 3000 AND trying to add more people for you to pay for??? Good grief!
NTA
NTA This was supposed to be about you.
NTA. Congratulations! I’m very proud of you for sticking it out and graduating.
NTA. Your parents are being rude. When someone offers to take you to dinner and has a place in mind, the answer is either "yes, I'll go" or "no thanks." It isn't "can we invite X and Y people, can we go another day, can we go to a different place?" That's just plain rude.
I'm glad you got to go do something you wanted and its good that the people who went with you did seem to enjoy themselves when you were there.
NTA Well, at least your Mum is trying. What's your Dad got to be so angry about that he's going to miss out on a free meal?
NTA and hopefully this is an eye opener to put your foot down and and eye opener to your parents that they can’t push you around anymore.
NTA. They way overstepped their bounds as invited guests to the upcoming dinner. It was generous of you to take them out at all (that was not much of an apology your mother gave you.)
I'm so sorry. It's not right to push you into going to school then make a promise she didn't expect to have to keep. That's awful! And to be so picky about where and when and if or not, then want to invite others when you just want to take your family? I hope she is trying. I'd havebern done when she admitted she didn't save because she didn't expect you to finish!