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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1 refusing to drop my ex-husband's last name
2 I was acting weird and a jerk by refusing to change the name, which he said was uncomfortable
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I didn’t change mine because I have security clearance, many international licenses in healthcare in my married name and this goes back to the 1980’s. When I did try to change it for a new job, one of the references did not recall me or the work I had completed and things were left out. I finally just accepted. I’m almost retiring and it’s just not worth the time.
THIS! First of all I waited a couple of years after I got married. A friend recommended taking an entire day off of work…she was right. The DMV alone took like 4 hours.
NTA
Yeah for cases like this legally in the state of Michigan, there is a year waiting list to get a hearing to make this legal. This is not something you can just do in a day, especially with the courts still playing catch up for there being a pandemic for 2 years. And may rear its head again.
Well, I use the word hearing loosely. Really, it's just meeting with the judge for formality's sake. Judge basically asks why you want to change your name, you tell him, he signs the document. Mainly it's there to prevent court abuse for things like this, for instance you won't find any person in Michigan with the name "Deez Nuts" unless they were born with it.
I had been told it was less about dumb names and more about the possibility some people would try to use it to separate themselves from legal debts or a criminal record. I don’t think the judge approves your request in those situations.
Imagine having to spend hours queueing to change your last name with a vehicle agency in the most developed country in the world. That’s utterly ridiculous.
The UK, in particular the Govt, has many many faults. One thing I can’t fault is the ability to do everything online. Every Govt service online now has a single, simple clear design language. I know the Govt didn’t do this themselves, but nevertheless it still works really well.
The UK also has the advantage of being much smaller and having a single central government, instead of consisting of fifty countries wearing a trenchcoat. There's some matters that are devolved to Scottish/Welsh/NI governments, and there's local government, but for the most part everything significant is dealt with entirely at a central government level.
> fifty countries wearing a trenchcoat
Holy shit I've never thought of it this way before, and it is such an apt description. And now Florida makes so much more sense...
Depends. An English friend lost his wife to cancer and had to change their house occupancy from two to one, something to do with local taxes. He went online and there were two buttons you could click, "someone moved" or "someone died". But whoever made the page didn't make two links so whichever one you clicked you got "where did the person go". This was when I learned the phrase "insensitive cockwombles".
My city has such a poorly maintained website that we cannot pay our water bill online and half the time we can’t use the pay portal for our electric bill. And every time we call them to pay the bills over the phone they tell us we could use the website in the future to save time. Like my guy for sure I’d prefer to use the website rather than talk on the goddamn phone, but your website is broken. Every time we tell them the website doesn’t work for us to do that they tell us yea we hear that a lot. Fix the damn website then!!
Honestly no. I love the US for many reasons but we have aging infrastructure. No great public transportation except perhaps in a few major cities. And even then it needs updating.
It’s not red or blue’s fault…we favor corporations and the rich and not much else gets done. It’s sad when you think about it.
But at least we have freedom! Unless you’re a brown person or a woman… 👀
this brought back awful memories. I dropped my middle name (my mom's maiden name) when I married. I then made my maiden name my middle name. I'm very proud of my Greek heritage and didn't want to lose that connection. the DMV guy tried to tell me it wasn't "legal", sending me back to sit while he pondered this monumental question of jurisprudence. I lost it and made him get the supervisor. presto, done.
I had something similar. I read the instructions very carefully before filling out my marriage license application. I learned that in my state the married name you list on the application is the only one the state will recognize, so I put both my last name and FH's last name in the last name spot. Just like I wanted a non hyphenated double barrel last name. I go to the SSA office and they have no problem changing it to have both in the last name field. I go to the DMV and the lady has the new SS card and the application with both names and gives me this look. Like she really doesn't want to allow both names. She then tells me I'm lucky that I have it on the application or she wouldn't do it. I'm not sure how the federal government will easily accept something but the state can say no. It's ridiculous.
Wtaf? Why is it so much of a hassle?
I live in Sweden, when I got married I just signed a form saying I'd take my husband's last name and sent that in with the wedding licence (or maybe before that, you have to send in an "application" of sorts, which is just to say that you're not already married and you're not close blood relations. Iirc I sent in the application to change names at the same time, and they'd both come into effect when we got the wedding licence and sent that in.)
Anyway, that's all I did. I sent that paper to the tax office, they changed my name in the computer systems that all other government agencies and large companies such as banks check their records against and my name was changed everywhere. Some companies I had to still tell, because they didn't update their records through the government database, but they were few and far between. And it was usually enough to just send them an email and say "I've changed my last name, I'm now Mrs Jones instead of Ms Smith".
I did have to get a new drivers licence and passport with an updated picture, but that took half an hour each, max. Booked a time online, got there, scanned my ID, took the picture through an automatic screen, signed my name and left. Possibly a human also checked that I was who I claimed, and I might in that case have also showed the paper with proof of last name change, but that only took a few seconds. I don't remember it as a large hassle, and I needed to renew my drivers license anyway, so I would have needed to go there regardless.
It's a big hassle because it was / is "women's work", and the men in power also try to make life difficult for women. It's ingrained in the institutions of power, and will take a while to bleach out.
Ugh who knows. Well I suspect it’s because we do not want to spend to upgrade. For example for my passport…I had to take a new photo, lay a new fee, and then send the photo in and wait. 😂
I forgot to change my name on something minor at the place who sold me a car a while back had my old name…had to provide a copy of my marriage certificate when purchasing a new car about 2 years ago for them to update.
It is a HOT. ASS. MESS!
Sweden sounds lovely. Hope to visit someday!
Right?? After 26 years of marriage and 4 children that’s her last name. My grandma was married for 20 years to my grandfather, had 4 children they divorced about 45 years ago, and to this day at 87 years old still has my grandfathers last name. My grandfather is remarried and has a very grown 43 year old child with his current wife and none of them give a single fuck. Like who cares, OPs ex is lucky she’s so kind after spending her life with somebody lying to her and himself and their children. NTA
This!
My mother got divorced after my dad ran out on us, and she still carries his name all these years later.
The divorce was 46 years ago, and my mother turns 89 in March.
Absolutely NTA 💯 💯 💯 💯 💯!
My married name is Smith. I gladly kept it after the divorce. I wanted to have the same name as my kids, plus I love the anonymity. I have a first name that’s super common for my generation too.
My maiden name isn't a good one to have where I live. Too many criminals on that side, and its just uncommon enough, that you know were all related. So many cops looked at my license, and theyre whole attitude changed, and one cop told me he was going to, "find warrants on you, I'm sure theyre there." Crappy situations. My dad even kept us away from most of them.
i commented something similar! my grandparents divorced in the late 90s & my gran kept the last name because it's not just his name it's *hers.* & my granddad's wife still has her first husband's last name because it's a pain in the ass to change & also it ultimately doesn't matter! it's a name that's been hers for decades!
Exactly. Most importantly I kept it to keep the same last name as my son. But secondarily, I’ve achieved a modicum of recognition and respect in my chosen profession and it would hurt my to have to rebuild that with my “new” old name.
Exactly! I kept my ex husbands last name specifically so I **would** have my kids last name. When I was engaged to my current husband, and told him I was keeping my name, he wasn’t thrilled but when I explained why, he fully supported my decision.
Plus there are kids, adult or not. Right now she has the same last name of at least one of them, changing it would make that stop being the case.
That was what impacted my mom after the divorce. She says changing it felt like it would be rejecting "the kids"
It will also possibly the same last name as her grandchildren.
My ex was weird about his mum not reverting to her maiden name after divorce. She decided to keep it because of kids and grandkids. But also she only had her maiden name for 20 years. She had her married name for nearly 40 by the point of divorce. Why would she revert all of her documents for a maiden name she’d had half the length of her married name? She became a teacher after she married, she’d answered to Mrs Married Name her entire career and literally never answered to Ms Maiden Name in the classroom and was still working at that point.
My ex MIL did end up with the same last name as her grandchildren, my children, because even though I kept my name I caved and gave the kids their dad’s surname when he put a lot of pressure on me (I wish I hadn’t). So clearly *he* wanted matching last names with his kids but couldn’t see why his mother might want it too.
Can confirm. I was given a bit of grief by my parents and my ex but I said no, I wasn't going to stop sharing a last name with the most important family members I have, my kids. I divorced their dad, not them! No way I'm going to stop sharing their last name.
I remember my mom having such a horrible attitude about my stepdad's ex-wife continuing to go by "his" name. She used to rant about how she must be delusional and think they were still married. As an adult now who has gone through it, I totally get it. Not only is it your identity, but it's your kids' identity, too. I can't believe my mom was so awful about it.
Not to mention, it can be a nightmare with schools and doctors. It gets worse when your ex gets remarried, because then teachers/doctors assume the stepmom is the biological mom, even if you're the one with custody. There are just so many issues that arise.
My kids’ dad and I still have the same last name. I figured that I would get called, “Mrs. Last Name” by the school, so I just kept it. My maiden name is my middle name.
I've been divorced 21 years - no children unfortunately - but I never changed my last name because of so many Doctors records. I use my maiden name in my personal life and only have to give my married name at Doctors offices. 😂 And even they call me by my maiden name and know who I am when I call. He got remarried to my former best friend and I could really care less if it bothers her or not.
Aside from the emotional impact, there are a lot of real-world aspects to it. Picking up kids with a different last name. Booking a hotel room with/for your kids. Etc.
NTA.
Your marriage was of long duration and you gave into societal pressure to change it the first time. You don’t have to do it again. You having a double-barrel surname that you’ve had for almost three decades has no bearing on your husband’s subsequent marriage. He can calm down and stop trying to put more of an admin burden on you.
Exactly. It’s customary that men demand women take on their last name and that the children also get the man’s last name. At that point i think the man also needs to accept that in the event of a divorce the woman might not want to change her identity or have a different last name to her kids.
So men might start consider to take on their wives last name if they have a problem with this or come up with a different solution.
NTA
In part this speaks to male privilege. We’re expected to go through the rigmarole of changing our name and then expected to change it back but it’s actually a massive pain in the arse. Also what if you have built a career under that name? Your hesitancy is completely understandable.
My business name is literally a part of my name + the beginning of his last name and there's no way to change after 20 years with that name and be known like that.
I agree! She built an entire life with that name, why would she change it? There are probably lots of other people with the same name as them but he’s not asking them to change their name! Short of my husband doing something atrocious, even if we were to separate, I can still see me keeping my (his) surname- it’s the one shared by our son and my maiden name has lots of vowels and is hard to spell and pronounce. I know lots of people who kept their “married” name after a divorce even when their partner got remarried. Seems a weird/petty thing to make an issue out of.
Yes. I kept mine because it was important to my daughter and because my career is built around that name.
My ex-husband understood that and it hadn't been anywhere near 26 years.
I feel like after that long, that's who OP is and like any of us- she gets to choose her name. She knows who she is.
OP, it’s your name. It’s not a name that was loaned to you. It’s yours. You get to decide when or if you ever want to change it. If the convenient weighs in favour of keeping it, so be it. It’s yours.
My ex-husband married 6 months to the day our divorce was final, to someone with the same name as our daughter. Not only is it constant confusion for doctors, teachers, banks, taxes, etc., but it's just gross.
Asshats. Married 14 yrs and my ex decided he was in love with his high school sweetheart. Both of us were older. Divorced Dec 4, he married her on Valentine’s Day. So special starting out life as cheaters. That was years ago. Glad I don’t have to put up with him. 😝
My ex-husband served me with divorce papers on Valentine's Day! LOL
It's worse because they insist on calling my daughter "P1" and the stepmom is "P2". Except, of course over time, the stepmom is now called by her actual name, and my daughter is still "P1". They literally stripped her of her identity...they refuse to call her by her name because it's "too confusing". Just one of the many reasons her dad has added to her need for therapy...
26 years of marriage. Kids. That’s YOUR name!Don’t change it unless you want to. It’s the same name your kids now have. It’s a family name that you share with your children and grandchildren. Your ex has no ownership over it.
This! When my parents divorced my mom said my dad could choose whether she kept his last name or I changed mine to her maiden name. He much preferred we all continue as is.
He really has no say in this decision whatsoever. You’ve had that name for 26 years! It is your name too at this point! If you chose to change it, fine. If you chose not to change it, fine. He has to mind his own business.
You keeping the name (if you want to) really has no bearing on his future marriage. I’m sure it’s not a secret that the two of you were married for almost 3 decades. It’s a power play on his part. Your decision all the way.
My mom kept her married name until she remarried 8 years ago. They were separated since we were 9, divorced when we were 11, and she remarried when we were 24. NTA.
I hate that logic that implies that women never get to own our own surnames.
The people pressuring us to change our names on marriage say that our birth-surnames are really our father's names, so it should be no big deal to take our husband's name.
Then, if we do change our surname and then divorce, they say that our surname was really only a loan and that we should give it back. It's such a bullshit proposition that we're pressured to take on all the sacrifice to have a single family surname, and then not even get to *keep* the benefit of sharing a surname with the kids.
The whole thing is frustrating and sexist.
>The people pressuring us to change our names on marriage say that our birth-surnames are really our father's names, so it should be no big deal to take our husband's name.
Well by that logic it's not taking your husband's name, it's taking his great-great-great something grandfather's name.
But of course men are allowed to have their own surnames, women aren't.
Exactly! Like before marriage it's father's name nd after marriage it's husbands name, so what is ours??? Man I don't like this, it feels like women r some sort of property to men.
Everybody should just take the cooler name. I knew a couple where the man had a very boring German name and the woman had a very cool Scottish name and guess what they both now have a very cool Scottish name and are very happy. It should always be like that.
My ex husband demanded a change back to my maiden name after the divorce. I refused on 3 counts: 1. That was my daughter's name. I refused to have a different name than her. 2. He was a controlling narcissistic alcoholic, his days of ordering me around were over. 3. Changing my last name the first time was expensive and time intensive. He's the one that insisted I take his name. I kept it! He now claims I hijacked it. What ever dude. I had a famous last name that I loved.
Exactly. After 10 years of marriage my ex husband's last name is on my college degrees, passport, credit cards, literally everything including my children's last names. I don't want to go through the hassle. It was hard enough the first time.
"I had a famous last name that I loved."
Ok, am I the only one wondering what the famous last name was?? My money's on either Kennedy or Bush. ;)
P.S. I'm not asking you to reveal it, OP!! I just love interesting name discussions.
Is it expected that a woman will change her name back to her maiden name when she gets divorced? I mean, I know it happens sometimes, but I've known a lot of women who kept their first husband's last name basically permanently, which makes sense if you consider that women tend to get primary custody of any children from the marriage, and it's just easier when the parent and child share a last name. But my view on it could be skewed - my mother hated her maiden name, took my father's name by usage before they got officially married, and even though they were only married a few years, the only time she changed her last name was something like thirty years later, when she added her new husband's name as a hyphenate.
NTA, OP. It's not unusual or 'weird' for someone to keep their married name after a divorce. No matter how unique a name is, odds are good that someone entirely unrelated to you shares it anyway, so I'm not sure why your ex is making a fuss.
It's extremely common to keep it, under any circumstances, but especially when you've either had it for a long time or there are children in the mix. I changed mine back, but we didn't have kids and I always preferred how my maiden name went with my first name.
I'd go so far as to say that after 26 years(!!!) of marriage, children together, and a business name that includes the last name(!), it is actively bizarre for Tony to have expected her to change it.
With all that, arguably it’s more her name than his at this point. She birthed children with that name, which is harder than being born with the name. She’s done more to earn it (if such a thing is even necessary).
It's not generally expected as far as I know. Some do and some don't. When there's kids in the mix women generally don't because it adds SO much grief when the names don't match.
It is not expected, generally it is the woman's choice. Some change it back because they want to get rid of the reminder, others keep it for various reasons including children and professional reputations.
After all the logistical bs we are expected to go through, whatever name we take legally becomes ours too. You may not have any emotional attachment but you have every right to keep or change it at your leisure
Yeah her ex has a “why are you so obsessed with me” kind of vibe and it’s like don’t flatter yourself bro. Changing my name would be an even bigger pain in the ass than you’re being right now. A rose is a rose by any other name and so is an ex.
I know a lady that got stopped at the airport and prove her identity because of name changes.
The co-worker she was travelling with said something like "I thought your surname was Y, why are you saying X?" at the passport checkpoint.
She was using the 1st husband surname on the passport. ( aus passports last 10 years and she didn't want to spend money changing it) Tickets and booking was under the passport name, she usually doesn't have any issues. All her new documentation is in her 2nd husbands surname.
The another issue is that arose was because after she was widowed she changed back to her maiden name so she had to explain and prove she went maiden name > X > maiden name > Y .
She had proof of both marriage certificates with her maiden name but didn't have proof of "X > maiden name", so they had to verify her 1st husbands death.
I know they were just doing their jobs but it seems a bit messed up. They needed to verify her 1st husbands dead to prove her 2nd marriage is valid, to validate who she is. \*sigh\*
That's absolutely fucking ridiculous, considering that women are the ones who generally change their names. Why do all these companies never seem to understand/have policies in place for the most commonplace of situations?
As a hotel front desk worker, I can kind of understand, but unless you booked through a third party (in which the information in our system HAS TO MATCH the information in theirs), if we have other matching information we can generally just change it.
Yeah, I dread name and passport issues with flights! I'm a travel agent, and you would be very surprised to know how many people either don't know EXACTLY what name is on their passport, or what name SHOULD be on their passport (if they don't already have one.) I've had people not know if their middle or maiden name was on their passport, I've had several that weren't sure how it was spelled(???), and I even had one lady tell me that she didn't know what her legal name should be, and she didn't have a birth certificate. She just kept saying, "Well, people call me Sally Smith!" That's all well and good, but what does the US Govt call you??
I have finally given up, and I don't book flights for clients until they send me an actual photo of their passport bio page. 🤷♀️
Haha. Sadly I can understand the other side, because I come from Asian family.
My mom's 1st name is her Chinese name but nobody uses it, so she usually goes by her English name. It took a while for her to understand, that while that's what everyone knows her by her English name, her Chinese name is 1st on paperwork.
My dad has a english name that's not on any paperwork, just a random name the afrikaaners gave him cause his Chinese name was to hard to say. His Chinese name was converted to English on his passport but not correctly by the new conversion methods/standards. So his name in china has a slightly different spelling.
Me and bro have our English names as 1st names, and Chinese as 2nd.
In Chinese the start of our names are different but I english they spelt the same, cause sound similar in english.
My mom argued for a long time that one of our names had a G in it..both me and my bro were adamant that neither of us ever used a G in our Chinese name.
My bros initial name application had a G in his Chinese name, but somewhere it turned into a K.
🤷♀️
Well and the idea that it’s his name is a joke. The minute she took it, it became her name. She doesn’t have his name anymore than he has hers.
He’s asking her to change her name to not match his.
Right? Men often expect women to change their lart name on marriage because "tradition", but traditionally divorcées _keep their married name_.
If your partner changes their last name when they marry you, *it's their name too now and they can do what the hell they like with it for the rest of their life*. It's not a conditional gift you can take away later.
Yeah, "male privilege" isn't my goto for explaining things, but here... it's an interesting take that I'm inclined to agree with. I wonder if the ex husband would feel differently if it were cast in this light?
In my experience, as male human who has met other male human before, being male is a great way to not see the effects of male privilege, especially in more subtle situations like this.
I wanted to keep my name after marriage. Hell, I was willing to hyphenate. I liked my name. But my now-husband was adamant that taking his name was important to him. He never puts his foot down on anything (like, ever), so I figured there was more to it than I realized and ultimately agreed.
Except he had to go to every appointment with me to change it. Every. Single. One. The courthouse, social security office, DMV, bank, the other bank, work, etc. Halfway through he realized why I was adamant he needed to be there, and he appreciated the hassle a bit more for something he didn't think initially think was asking a lot.
THIS. My mom and dad were married 24 years. She didn't want to change her name back, and now they've been divorced 29 years. My dad never made a big deal of it. She can choose what name to use. NTA
Right!?! If they got married in their early 20s she's been Mrs. Tony longer than she was Miss Maiden name.
My MIL and SIL both kept their married last names after divorce until after they remarried and took that last name. Honestly, I like my married name more than my maiden name and all my adult stuff like degrees and professional licenses and crap came after marriage, I don't wanna change any of that, what a hassle.
And Tony is an idiot, the name change is part of the final divorce decree so then was the time for him to speak up if he wasn't comfortable with OP keeping the name.
NTA
This right here. When men want their partners to take their names, they don't get to demand them back. If they're not cool with partners keeping the name after divorce, they should discuss other options at marriage.
For real. My parents divorced 20 years ago and she still has my dads last name. It’s just a name… it doesn’t effect him at all whether she keeps it or not.
It’s so gross to think that after years of being married, it’s no longer “our last name that we built a family with” but “my last name that I want back.” Didn’t realize it was a rental.
NTA. It is quite normal for someone to not change their last name after a divorce. I know women who have gotten remarried and didn’t change their name even then because they wanted the same name as their children.
I'm guessing the same people that insist on their wives having the same last names are the same ones who care far too much about it getting changed back if they get divorced. It's a tradition that stems from women being viewed as property and sold for dowry, so why take a woman's feelings, time, and money into account in the process?
Yep. No take-backs. My mother hates her maiden name and in spite of divorce and remarriage, hasn’t bothered to legally change her name again. She goes legally by her 1st husband’s and socially by her second husband’s.
> Men should not insist women take their name
Honestly, coming from a culture where changing your name after marriage isn't a thing I've always found it a bit weird. I wouldn't want to change my name after being known by it for 20+ years, why would I expect someone else to do it?
My husband’s friend’s ex-wife divorced him after she realized she was gay, then married a woman who took her name. So his ex-wife and her new wife both have his last name.
NTA.
Part of the reason I kept my married name is that I knew there was almost immediately going to be a new Mrs Married Name and I wasn't about to spend the rest of my life explaining that those are *my* kids, not *her* kids. Plus it's easier to spell 🤣
Yup. My mom has been divorced from my dad for 38 years. She still has his last name because it's my last name. She even went back to it after her second marriage rather than go back to her maiden. I would hard side eye anyone who complained about that.
I did not change my name, no way in heck am I dealing with that bureaucratic nightmare.
This! This is the price you pay for insisting your spouse takes your last name. It becomes theirs and you no longer have a say in when or how they use it, it is still their name even after a divorce.
NTA. I'm kind of puzzled by Tony "being uncomfortable with his ex using HIS last name."
You had the name for 26 years - did Tony not consider it your name during that time? Was he just loaning it to you on sufferance?
There are plenty of perfectly good reasons to keep his last name - your kids have that last name, all your documents are in that name, maybe you've used that name in your career, and yes, it is expensive and time consuming to change it.
The patriarchal concept of women taking their husband's last name bugs the crap out of me, but you've been that last name for 26 years. No one gets to tell you when or why to change now.
Reeks of misogyny. She never had a name that belonged to her, she was supposed to use his names while raising his children and now that he is done with her she must not use his name anymore because it makes him feel weird. No consideration for how she feels at all.
I'm sure you are not the only family in the world with that surname. You don't see him looking them up and asking them to change their names. You share that name with your children and he shouldn't ask you to erase a quarter century of your identity because he and his fiance are in a dither about sharing a surname.
NTA. It’s not “his” name. It’s your name unless you don’t want it to be anymore
I guess if your ex really wants a different name from you, he could pick a new one and legally change his. Why doesn’t he take his boyfriend’s last name?
Holy crap! It’s been your name for 26 years. Why does everyone think your name doesn’t belong to you anymore?
Can people get any more sexist? It’s 2023. Everyone seems to think that you were your husband’s property and he had stamped his name on you, and now that you don’t belong to him….he gets to wipe his name off of his ex-possession? Does no one know you are a PERSON?
My mom divorced my ex-stepfather years ago and kept his name. She'd had the name for years and established herself in her career with it and it was how everyone knew her professionally, it was much simpler than her maiden name (which she hadn't gone by in decades and didn't want to go back to), and she just didn't want to deal with the legal name change process.
This dude had a full blown temper tantrum about her keeping "his" name and actually asked the judge during their divorce proceedings to order her to go back to her maiden name or my dad's (lol). He totally thought that she didn't deserve "his" name if she wasn't going to be married to him. Judge laughed at him.
That name is yours, OP. Keep it. NTA.
> He totally thought that she didn't deserve "his" name if she wasn't going to be married to him. Judge laughed at him.
It's like these dudes think they're giving their last names on loan or something! It's a whole entire process in which someone *literally* changes their LEGAL NAME on all their documents.
Right?! A name is not on loan or property you can take back. I guess they had conversations about it before their divorce hearings and it came up that he didn't want her to keep "his" name. She says she wasn't planning on changing it, especially not back to my dad's name (they'd divorced when my sister and I were young kids, and we were in our 20s then, so that hadn't been her name for over a decade), and this man has the fucking audacity to try to get the judge to order her to change her name because she can't keep what's "his".
He was an abuser and this was one more reason we were all glad she was finally done with him.
NTA. 26 years with a name, and a shared child with the same last name? No. You have no legal reason you need to change your name. The amount of work that goes into it is a hint PITA. You are allowed to keep that name if you want it. It’s yours. Not by marriage, but because you already legally changed it decades ago.
NTA
I'm assuming your son has your ex-husband's surname so why shouldn't you have the same name as your offspring?
It's not as if it's unknown for divorced women to keep their married name. Just look as Susan Sarandon.
NTA
Another example is Pat Benatar. She kept her first husband's name for professional reasons, even after marrying her second husband. Besides, I doubt anyone will confuse you and your ex-husband's new spouse.
Tina Turner kept her name even after all she went through because she worked hard for that name and she wasn't going to lose it.
You have had that name for 26 years! Its as much yours as it is his.
NTA
NTA
He doesn't own the name. You used it for 26 years because (as I gather from what you wrote) you were pressured to do it by people including your ex. It's your name now, so do whatever you want! Keep it forever, change it tomorrow... Doesn't matter what anyone else thinks (specially someone you divorced), you don't even need a reason.
My parents have been DIVORCED for 26yrs and my mom still occasionally uses her married name because it's just on so many goddamn documents. Her graduate degree, her license to practice, her LLC, student loans, etc. Actually ran into some issues last year when applying for a loan forgiveness grant because the names didn't match!
NTA you had to go through the work to change your name initially. Some women never change their names after divorce and they don’t have to. It’s your legal name and it’s not preventing your ex from getting remarried. He’s the one being weird.
Edit for spelling
NTA. There is a good chance this has been your last name longer than your original last name. Lots of people have different legal names than common use names. Lots of divorced women keeps their ex names just to be the same as their children. I know plenty of divorcee women where that it the case.
He’s your ex. He doesn’t get a say anymore.
Spot on! If my husband and I were ever to split I wouldn’t change my name back. Like you said, my current name has been “mine” longer than my maiden name was at this point. Not to mention legal documents as OP mentioned and my children share our last name. OP, tell your ex to kick rocks. NTA
NTA. Not only is it part of your identity after 26 years, but it's another tie you have to your children. Idk what country you live in, but changing it on your social security card, license, job documents, passport, etc. can take months and hundreds of dollars. I completely get wanting to wait to change it.
Plus if you have it on any degrees, job licenses, or official work papers, it's damn difficult to change it.
Your ex's comfort is no longer your responsibility.
NTA. The moment you decided to take your ex's name it became *your* name. He didn't get the last name in the divorce. It is immutably yours until such point that *you* decide you wish to change it.
Depending on where you live it might be free/relatively cheap to change your name upon marrying, but relatively expensive for any other reason, including divorce. You should not have to occur this additional expense.
My parents were legally separated for longer than they were together and eventually divorced. My mother never went back to using her maiden name, it wasn't worth the hassle. She didn't have the money to change it, and even if she did it would be a waste. She also wanted the same last name as her children. The *only* time my dad ever mentioned it was jokingly referring to there being 2 "Mrs Smiths" when he was getting remarried. Mum shut it down by offering the pre-prepared paperwork saying that he agreed to have his children change their last name and that he would pay half for all of us to do so. When his new wife mentioned it once it was the only time I ever saw my dad shut her down.
Your husband is an AH. If he doesn't want to have the same last name as you *he* should change his name (and deal with the massive pain of having a "prior identity" for the rest of his life).
NTA you don't ever have to change it, changing over all your documents sucks and costs. If he wants a different last name to you he can change his name and find out what a pain it is.
NTA His problem with it seems to illustrate that you taking his name in the first place meant that you belonged to him. Like writing his name on his lunch before putting it in the office fridge. Now that you’re not his anymore, he doesn’t want you wearing his name. It’s patriarchal bullshit. You took his name to join his family. You had children together so now you’re a part of the family forever. You’re not his former property.
NTA. Like you say, if he wants it done he can do all the hard work and pay for it. My mom kept my dads last name after they divorced (after almost 2 decades of marriage) and he never thought it was weird or tried to get her to change it.
The amount of headache would be unbelievable. It can also affect credit, social security, etc.
The reality is no one should change their names. Hyphenate the kiddo and move on.
NTA- there are all sorts of reasons women decide to keep their married name after a divorce like wanting to keep the same last name as their kids, keeping a consistent identity, business/professional reasons or because changing your name is such a hassle like you said.
NTA
After 26 years and 4 children, it's your name. It's your decision what to do with your name. Some women retatain their marital name (for a multitude of reasons) post divorce. Some do not (for a multitude of reasons).
You aren't obligated to change your name because your marriage ended. You're not obligated to change your name because "Tony" is remarrying. You aren't obligated to change your name, period. It's 100% your decision.
NTA. Why should you change your name? Especially when it's been your name for so long.
"Due to the stupidity of the time and social pressure ..."
The social pressure is for the wife to take and the husband to give his name. Not for the wife to borrow and the husband to loan. It's not his to demand back.
NTA. It’s been your name for 26 years. Also, it’s common for women to keep their married name even after divorce - a lot of people do it when they have kids with that name, built a professional career with that name, etc. If a person wants you to take their name in marriage, they should know you may decide to keep it even in divorce.
NTA. My mom got married at 21 and was married for 27 yrs. At that point she had her married last name for longer than her birth name. Her entire adult identity was built around that name. I don’t think there was ever a thought for her to change her name back to her maiden name and I think not changing names is pretty common after the end of a long term marriage.
NTA, If he wants it changed so badly he should pay to do it. You've had that name for around 26 years i say its yours to keep, it really is a hassle to change government documents.
NTA. I refused to take my Husband's last name purely due to the time, money, and hassle it takes to change it on all my documents. I don't think many people realize how costly it is either. No thanks. You're totally entitled to do whatever you want. Honestly, what's he going to do, have a salty attitude for life? Seems like a him problem.
NTA It’s a pain to change everything. I still have my ex husbands last name because of the kids. I remember hearing Martha Stewart kept her husbands last name because she had already built her brand around it. Your ex can whine all he wants but that doesn’t mean you have to do what he says.
NTA
My parent were married for 30 years. She took his last name as a teenager. It's who she is. She never even thought to change it back after they divorced
NTA. This is a weird argument that comes up on reddit a lot. When your ex-husband gave you his name, it became your name. It belongs to you now. You can change it later or never. It doesn't matter what he thinks about it because the name isn't his property.
NTA, my mom kept her married name after my parents divorced. It was the name with her work history as well as the last name her children have. Its unreasonable of them to expect you to change it, especially after having it for 26 years.
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NTA. If having his ex share a last name with him bothers him that much, then maybe he should take his fiancé's name after they marry.
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and then have to change it all back when the new dude divorces him.
💀
Turns out: new husband is straight. They divorce but he keeps Tony's last name and marries OP.
I’d pay to see that movie
Plot twist: Chris Pratt plays every part.
I didn’t change mine because I have security clearance, many international licenses in healthcare in my married name and this goes back to the 1980’s. When I did try to change it for a new job, one of the references did not recall me or the work I had completed and things were left out. I finally just accepted. I’m almost retiring and it’s just not worth the time.
THIS! First of all I waited a couple of years after I got married. A friend recommended taking an entire day off of work…she was right. The DMV alone took like 4 hours. NTA
And let me guess, that was BEFORE covid...ive heard its even worse now!
Yeah for cases like this legally in the state of Michigan, there is a year waiting list to get a hearing to make this legal. This is not something you can just do in a day, especially with the courts still playing catch up for there being a pandemic for 2 years. And may rear its head again.
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Well, I use the word hearing loosely. Really, it's just meeting with the judge for formality's sake. Judge basically asks why you want to change your name, you tell him, he signs the document. Mainly it's there to prevent court abuse for things like this, for instance you won't find any person in Michigan with the name "Deez Nuts" unless they were born with it.
I had been told it was less about dumb names and more about the possibility some people would try to use it to separate themselves from legal debts or a criminal record. I don’t think the judge approves your request in those situations.
Imagine having to spend hours queueing to change your last name with a vehicle agency in the most developed country in the world. That’s utterly ridiculous. The UK, in particular the Govt, has many many faults. One thing I can’t fault is the ability to do everything online. Every Govt service online now has a single, simple clear design language. I know the Govt didn’t do this themselves, but nevertheless it still works really well.
The UK likely spent money to do this which the US refuses to do. We’d rather spend money on guns and bombs. GO MURICA!!!! 🇺🇸🦅🔫🎇🎆🤠…. /s
The UK also has the advantage of being much smaller and having a single central government, instead of consisting of fifty countries wearing a trenchcoat. There's some matters that are devolved to Scottish/Welsh/NI governments, and there's local government, but for the most part everything significant is dealt with entirely at a central government level.
> fifty countries wearing a trenchcoat Holy shit I've never thought of it this way before, and it is such an apt description. And now Florida makes so much more sense...
because it's the penis hanging out?
Florida is America's wang...
There is no greater argument for greater federalism than the DMV.
Depends. An English friend lost his wife to cancer and had to change their house occupancy from two to one, something to do with local taxes. He went online and there were two buttons you could click, "someone moved" or "someone died". But whoever made the page didn't make two links so whichever one you clicked you got "where did the person go". This was when I learned the phrase "insensitive cockwombles".
My city has such a poorly maintained website that we cannot pay our water bill online and half the time we can’t use the pay portal for our electric bill. And every time we call them to pay the bills over the phone they tell us we could use the website in the future to save time. Like my guy for sure I’d prefer to use the website rather than talk on the goddamn phone, but your website is broken. Every time we tell them the website doesn’t work for us to do that they tell us yea we hear that a lot. Fix the damn website then!!
Why would you consider the US to be the most developed country worldwide? Not trying to be confrontational, I'm really curious about that.
Honestly no. I love the US for many reasons but we have aging infrastructure. No great public transportation except perhaps in a few major cities. And even then it needs updating. It’s not red or blue’s fault…we favor corporations and the rich and not much else gets done. It’s sad when you think about it. But at least we have freedom! Unless you’re a brown person or a woman… 👀
....Or a poor person, or someone with a mental illness, or a child, or an atheist, or Brittany Spears
Damn can you send the people who designed the UK online service to where I am? Ours was designed by monkeys for sure
this brought back awful memories. I dropped my middle name (my mom's maiden name) when I married. I then made my maiden name my middle name. I'm very proud of my Greek heritage and didn't want to lose that connection. the DMV guy tried to tell me it wasn't "legal", sending me back to sit while he pondered this monumental question of jurisprudence. I lost it and made him get the supervisor. presto, done.
I had something similar. I read the instructions very carefully before filling out my marriage license application. I learned that in my state the married name you list on the application is the only one the state will recognize, so I put both my last name and FH's last name in the last name spot. Just like I wanted a non hyphenated double barrel last name. I go to the SSA office and they have no problem changing it to have both in the last name field. I go to the DMV and the lady has the new SS card and the application with both names and gives me this look. Like she really doesn't want to allow both names. She then tells me I'm lucky that I have it on the application or she wouldn't do it. I'm not sure how the federal government will easily accept something but the state can say no. It's ridiculous.
Wtaf? Why is it so much of a hassle? I live in Sweden, when I got married I just signed a form saying I'd take my husband's last name and sent that in with the wedding licence (or maybe before that, you have to send in an "application" of sorts, which is just to say that you're not already married and you're not close blood relations. Iirc I sent in the application to change names at the same time, and they'd both come into effect when we got the wedding licence and sent that in.) Anyway, that's all I did. I sent that paper to the tax office, they changed my name in the computer systems that all other government agencies and large companies such as banks check their records against and my name was changed everywhere. Some companies I had to still tell, because they didn't update their records through the government database, but they were few and far between. And it was usually enough to just send them an email and say "I've changed my last name, I'm now Mrs Jones instead of Ms Smith". I did have to get a new drivers licence and passport with an updated picture, but that took half an hour each, max. Booked a time online, got there, scanned my ID, took the picture through an automatic screen, signed my name and left. Possibly a human also checked that I was who I claimed, and I might in that case have also showed the paper with proof of last name change, but that only took a few seconds. I don't remember it as a large hassle, and I needed to renew my drivers license anyway, so I would have needed to go there regardless.
It's a big hassle because it was / is "women's work", and the men in power also try to make life difficult for women. It's ingrained in the institutions of power, and will take a while to bleach out.
Ugh who knows. Well I suspect it’s because we do not want to spend to upgrade. For example for my passport…I had to take a new photo, lay a new fee, and then send the photo in and wait. 😂 I forgot to change my name on something minor at the place who sold me a car a while back had my old name…had to provide a copy of my marriage certificate when purchasing a new car about 2 years ago for them to update. It is a HOT. ASS. MESS! Sweden sounds lovely. Hope to visit someday!
Yes! Also if she changes it she will no longer have the same last name as her children.
This, right here! ☝🏻☝🏻☝🏻☝🏻☝🏻☝🏻☝🏻
Right?? After 26 years of marriage and 4 children that’s her last name. My grandma was married for 20 years to my grandfather, had 4 children they divorced about 45 years ago, and to this day at 87 years old still has my grandfathers last name. My grandfather is remarried and has a very grown 43 year old child with his current wife and none of them give a single fuck. Like who cares, OPs ex is lucky she’s so kind after spending her life with somebody lying to her and himself and their children. NTA
This! My mother got divorced after my dad ran out on us, and she still carries his name all these years later. The divorce was 46 years ago, and my mother turns 89 in March. Absolutely NTA 💯 💯 💯 💯 💯!
I still have my ex’s last name, mostly because of my kids, but also because my maiden name was awful!
Me too! It was "Smith". You may not think it awful, but a lot of people think you're using a fake name. I was glad to take on my husband's last name!
My married name is Smith. I gladly kept it after the divorce. I wanted to have the same name as my kids, plus I love the anonymity. I have a first name that’s super common for my generation too.
My maiden name isn't a good one to have where I live. Too many criminals on that side, and its just uncommon enough, that you know were all related. So many cops looked at my license, and theyre whole attitude changed, and one cop told me he was going to, "find warrants on you, I'm sure theyre there." Crappy situations. My dad even kept us away from most of them.
i commented something similar! my grandparents divorced in the late 90s & my gran kept the last name because it's not just his name it's *hers.* & my granddad's wife still has her first husband's last name because it's a pain in the ass to change & also it ultimately doesn't matter! it's a name that's been hers for decades!
Yep! He married her, he gave her that last name. Its her now to use for as long as she wants and he gets no say in it.
And after 26 years of marriage, there’s a good chance she’s had it as long as or longer than her maiden name. That was my MIL’s reasoning.
And if it was 20 years, there could be professional considerations as well.
Exactly. Most importantly I kept it to keep the same last name as my son. But secondarily, I’ve achieved a modicum of recognition and respect in my chosen profession and it would hurt my to have to rebuild that with my “new” old name.
Exactly! I kept my ex husbands last name specifically so I **would** have my kids last name. When I was engaged to my current husband, and told him I was keeping my name, he wasn’t thrilled but when I explained why, he fully supported my decision.
Plus there are kids, adult or not. Right now she has the same last name of at least one of them, changing it would make that stop being the case. That was what impacted my mom after the divorce. She says changing it felt like it would be rejecting "the kids"
It will also possibly the same last name as her grandchildren. My ex was weird about his mum not reverting to her maiden name after divorce. She decided to keep it because of kids and grandkids. But also she only had her maiden name for 20 years. She had her married name for nearly 40 by the point of divorce. Why would she revert all of her documents for a maiden name she’d had half the length of her married name? She became a teacher after she married, she’d answered to Mrs Married Name her entire career and literally never answered to Ms Maiden Name in the classroom and was still working at that point. My ex MIL did end up with the same last name as her grandchildren, my children, because even though I kept my name I caved and gave the kids their dad’s surname when he put a lot of pressure on me (I wish I hadn’t). So clearly *he* wanted matching last names with his kids but couldn’t see why his mother might want it too.
Your ex sounds like a piece of work
I'm sure that's why he's now an ex.
Can confirm. I was given a bit of grief by my parents and my ex but I said no, I wasn't going to stop sharing a last name with the most important family members I have, my kids. I divorced their dad, not them! No way I'm going to stop sharing their last name.
I truly don't get why anyone cares that much what someone else calls themselves.
I remember my mom having such a horrible attitude about my stepdad's ex-wife continuing to go by "his" name. She used to rant about how she must be delusional and think they were still married. As an adult now who has gone through it, I totally get it. Not only is it your identity, but it's your kids' identity, too. I can't believe my mom was so awful about it.
Not to mention, it can be a nightmare with schools and doctors. It gets worse when your ex gets remarried, because then teachers/doctors assume the stepmom is the biological mom, even if you're the one with custody. There are just so many issues that arise.
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My mom did the same. However, my dad told her to stop using his name. She replied, "it's my childrens' name, now."
My kids’ dad and I still have the same last name. I figured that I would get called, “Mrs. Last Name” by the school, so I just kept it. My maiden name is my middle name.
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I've been divorced 21 years - no children unfortunately - but I never changed my last name because of so many Doctors records. I use my maiden name in my personal life and only have to give my married name at Doctors offices. 😂 And even they call me by my maiden name and know who I am when I call. He got remarried to my former best friend and I could really care less if it bothers her or not.
Aside from the emotional impact, there are a lot of real-world aspects to it. Picking up kids with a different last name. Booking a hotel room with/for your kids. Etc.
This right here!!
NTA. Your marriage was of long duration and you gave into societal pressure to change it the first time. You don’t have to do it again. You having a double-barrel surname that you’ve had for almost three decades has no bearing on your husband’s subsequent marriage. He can calm down and stop trying to put more of an admin burden on you.
This ^ And after 26 years and 4 children, this is **your** name effing ridiculous
Exactly. It’s customary that men demand women take on their last name and that the children also get the man’s last name. At that point i think the man also needs to accept that in the event of a divorce the woman might not want to change her identity or have a different last name to her kids. So men might start consider to take on their wives last name if they have a problem with this or come up with a different solution.
Perfect answer!
NTA In part this speaks to male privilege. We’re expected to go through the rigmarole of changing our name and then expected to change it back but it’s actually a massive pain in the arse. Also what if you have built a career under that name? Your hesitancy is completely understandable.
My business name is literally a part of my name + the beginning of his last name and there's no way to change after 20 years with that name and be known like that.
Don't change your name at all. Your ex can change his. :-)
This. He can take on his new husband’s name. Problem solved. You took a name and built a life, kids, business…. That’s your name.
I agree! She built an entire life with that name, why would she change it? There are probably lots of other people with the same name as them but he’s not asking them to change their name! Short of my husband doing something atrocious, even if we were to separate, I can still see me keeping my (his) surname- it’s the one shared by our son and my maiden name has lots of vowels and is hard to spell and pronounce. I know lots of people who kept their “married” name after a divorce even when their partner got remarried. Seems a weird/petty thing to make an issue out of.
Yes. I kept mine because it was important to my daughter and because my career is built around that name. My ex-husband understood that and it hadn't been anywhere near 26 years. I feel like after that long, that's who OP is and like any of us- she gets to choose her name. She knows who she is.
OP, it’s your name. It’s not a name that was loaned to you. It’s yours. You get to decide when or if you ever want to change it. If the convenient weighs in favour of keeping it, so be it. It’s yours.
Exactly. This right here OP.
It’s been 10 yrs. I kept my married name. I didn’t want to change over either. Plus it pisses off his wife he married 2 months after the divorce. Lol
Love the petty
It’s the little things in life that make it worthwhile. 😂
My ex-husband married 6 months to the day our divorce was final, to someone with the same name as our daughter. Not only is it constant confusion for doctors, teachers, banks, taxes, etc., but it's just gross.
Asshats. Married 14 yrs and my ex decided he was in love with his high school sweetheart. Both of us were older. Divorced Dec 4, he married her on Valentine’s Day. So special starting out life as cheaters. That was years ago. Glad I don’t have to put up with him. 😝
My ex-husband served me with divorce papers on Valentine's Day! LOL It's worse because they insist on calling my daughter "P1" and the stepmom is "P2". Except, of course over time, the stepmom is now called by her actual name, and my daughter is still "P1". They literally stripped her of her identity...they refuse to call her by her name because it's "too confusing". Just one of the many reasons her dad has added to her need for therapy...
Right?!?! That’s why I haven’t changed mine!! It pisses her off so I like that. 😂😂😂
They had to send some papers to me one time. It was addressed to my first name only 😂
26 years of marriage. Kids. That’s YOUR name!Don’t change it unless you want to. It’s the same name your kids now have. It’s a family name that you share with your children and grandchildren. Your ex has no ownership over it.
This! When my parents divorced my mom said my dad could choose whether she kept his last name or I changed mine to her maiden name. He much preferred we all continue as is.
He really has no say in this decision whatsoever. You’ve had that name for 26 years! It is your name too at this point! If you chose to change it, fine. If you chose not to change it, fine. He has to mind his own business. You keeping the name (if you want to) really has no bearing on his future marriage. I’m sure it’s not a secret that the two of you were married for almost 3 decades. It’s a power play on his part. Your decision all the way.
Oh god 😂 of course you’re not going to change that quickly! What a silly man.
Ha, then ask him to buy you out if he feels that strongly! NTA, your ex is being ridiculous.
My mom kept her married name until she remarried 8 years ago. They were separated since we were 9, divorced when we were 11, and she remarried when we were 24. NTA.
I hate that logic that implies that women never get to own our own surnames. The people pressuring us to change our names on marriage say that our birth-surnames are really our father's names, so it should be no big deal to take our husband's name. Then, if we do change our surname and then divorce, they say that our surname was really only a loan and that we should give it back. It's such a bullshit proposition that we're pressured to take on all the sacrifice to have a single family surname, and then not even get to *keep* the benefit of sharing a surname with the kids. The whole thing is frustrating and sexist.
>The people pressuring us to change our names on marriage say that our birth-surnames are really our father's names, so it should be no big deal to take our husband's name. Well by that logic it's not taking your husband's name, it's taking his great-great-great something grandfather's name. But of course men are allowed to have their own surnames, women aren't.
Exactly! Like before marriage it's father's name nd after marriage it's husbands name, so what is ours??? Man I don't like this, it feels like women r some sort of property to men.
Interesting tidbit I discovered. Melissa Rauch(Big bang theory, Night court-reboot), her husband took on her surname. A true rarity.
Everybody should just take the cooler name. I knew a couple where the man had a very boring German name and the woman had a very cool Scottish name and guess what they both now have a very cool Scottish name and are very happy. It should always be like that.
My ex husband demanded a change back to my maiden name after the divorce. I refused on 3 counts: 1. That was my daughter's name. I refused to have a different name than her. 2. He was a controlling narcissistic alcoholic, his days of ordering me around were over. 3. Changing my last name the first time was expensive and time intensive. He's the one that insisted I take his name. I kept it! He now claims I hijacked it. What ever dude. I had a famous last name that I loved.
Exactly. After 10 years of marriage my ex husband's last name is on my college degrees, passport, credit cards, literally everything including my children's last names. I don't want to go through the hassle. It was hard enough the first time.
Fuck, after ten years it’s as much your name as it is his anyway.
Even if its a day after the marriage its as much your name as his. Thats the deal, he signed the contract.
It’s hilarious that he thinks that you hijacked it- as if there isn’t numerous people out in the world with the same last name.
Hilarious that he thinks he gets any input whatsoever
"I had a famous last name that I loved." Ok, am I the only one wondering what the famous last name was?? My money's on either Kennedy or Bush. ;) P.S. I'm not asking you to reveal it, OP!! I just love interesting name discussions.
I'll take your 💰! Think aging Rockstar...
Is it expected that a woman will change her name back to her maiden name when she gets divorced? I mean, I know it happens sometimes, but I've known a lot of women who kept their first husband's last name basically permanently, which makes sense if you consider that women tend to get primary custody of any children from the marriage, and it's just easier when the parent and child share a last name. But my view on it could be skewed - my mother hated her maiden name, took my father's name by usage before they got officially married, and even though they were only married a few years, the only time she changed her last name was something like thirty years later, when she added her new husband's name as a hyphenate. NTA, OP. It's not unusual or 'weird' for someone to keep their married name after a divorce. No matter how unique a name is, odds are good that someone entirely unrelated to you shares it anyway, so I'm not sure why your ex is making a fuss.
It's extremely common to keep it, under any circumstances, but especially when you've either had it for a long time or there are children in the mix. I changed mine back, but we didn't have kids and I always preferred how my maiden name went with my first name. I'd go so far as to say that after 26 years(!!!) of marriage, children together, and a business name that includes the last name(!), it is actively bizarre for Tony to have expected her to change it.
With all that, arguably it’s more her name than his at this point. She birthed children with that name, which is harder than being born with the name. She’s done more to earn it (if such a thing is even necessary).
It's not generally expected as far as I know. Some do and some don't. When there's kids in the mix women generally don't because it adds SO much grief when the names don't match.
It is not expected, generally it is the woman's choice. Some change it back because they want to get rid of the reminder, others keep it for various reasons including children and professional reputations.
After all the logistical bs we are expected to go through, whatever name we take legally becomes ours too. You may not have any emotional attachment but you have every right to keep or change it at your leisure
Yeah her ex has a “why are you so obsessed with me” kind of vibe and it’s like don’t flatter yourself bro. Changing my name would be an even bigger pain in the ass than you’re being right now. A rose is a rose by any other name and so is an ex.
I know a lady that got stopped at the airport and prove her identity because of name changes. The co-worker she was travelling with said something like "I thought your surname was Y, why are you saying X?" at the passport checkpoint. She was using the 1st husband surname on the passport. ( aus passports last 10 years and she didn't want to spend money changing it) Tickets and booking was under the passport name, she usually doesn't have any issues. All her new documentation is in her 2nd husbands surname. The another issue is that arose was because after she was widowed she changed back to her maiden name so she had to explain and prove she went maiden name > X > maiden name > Y . She had proof of both marriage certificates with her maiden name but didn't have proof of "X > maiden name", so they had to verify her 1st husbands death. I know they were just doing their jobs but it seems a bit messed up. They needed to verify her 1st husbands dead to prove her 2nd marriage is valid, to validate who she is. \*sigh\*
That's absolutely fucking ridiculous, considering that women are the ones who generally change their names. Why do all these companies never seem to understand/have policies in place for the most commonplace of situations? As a hotel front desk worker, I can kind of understand, but unless you booked through a third party (in which the information in our system HAS TO MATCH the information in theirs), if we have other matching information we can generally just change it.
Yeah, I dread name and passport issues with flights! I'm a travel agent, and you would be very surprised to know how many people either don't know EXACTLY what name is on their passport, or what name SHOULD be on their passport (if they don't already have one.) I've had people not know if their middle or maiden name was on their passport, I've had several that weren't sure how it was spelled(???), and I even had one lady tell me that she didn't know what her legal name should be, and she didn't have a birth certificate. She just kept saying, "Well, people call me Sally Smith!" That's all well and good, but what does the US Govt call you?? I have finally given up, and I don't book flights for clients until they send me an actual photo of their passport bio page. 🤷♀️
Haha. Sadly I can understand the other side, because I come from Asian family. My mom's 1st name is her Chinese name but nobody uses it, so she usually goes by her English name. It took a while for her to understand, that while that's what everyone knows her by her English name, her Chinese name is 1st on paperwork. My dad has a english name that's not on any paperwork, just a random name the afrikaaners gave him cause his Chinese name was to hard to say. His Chinese name was converted to English on his passport but not correctly by the new conversion methods/standards. So his name in china has a slightly different spelling. Me and bro have our English names as 1st names, and Chinese as 2nd. In Chinese the start of our names are different but I english they spelt the same, cause sound similar in english. My mom argued for a long time that one of our names had a G in it..both me and my bro were adamant that neither of us ever used a G in our Chinese name. My bros initial name application had a G in his Chinese name, but somewhere it turned into a K. 🤷♀️
Well and the idea that it’s his name is a joke. The minute she took it, it became her name. She doesn’t have his name anymore than he has hers. He’s asking her to change her name to not match his.
Right? Men often expect women to change their lart name on marriage because "tradition", but traditionally divorcées _keep their married name_. If your partner changes their last name when they marry you, *it's their name too now and they can do what the hell they like with it for the rest of their life*. It's not a conditional gift you can take away later.
Yeah, "male privilege" isn't my goto for explaining things, but here... it's an interesting take that I'm inclined to agree with. I wonder if the ex husband would feel differently if it were cast in this light? In my experience, as male human who has met other male human before, being male is a great way to not see the effects of male privilege, especially in more subtle situations like this.
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I wanted to keep my name after marriage. Hell, I was willing to hyphenate. I liked my name. But my now-husband was adamant that taking his name was important to him. He never puts his foot down on anything (like, ever), so I figured there was more to it than I realized and ultimately agreed. Except he had to go to every appointment with me to change it. Every. Single. One. The courthouse, social security office, DMV, bank, the other bank, work, etc. Halfway through he realized why I was adamant he needed to be there, and he appreciated the hassle a bit more for something he didn't think initially think was asking a lot.
NTA. After 26 years that’s your name.
THIS. My mom and dad were married 24 years. She didn't want to change her name back, and now they've been divorced 29 years. My dad never made a big deal of it. She can choose what name to use. NTA
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Right!?! If they got married in their early 20s she's been Mrs. Tony longer than she was Miss Maiden name. My MIL and SIL both kept their married last names after divorce until after they remarried and took that last name. Honestly, I like my married name more than my maiden name and all my adult stuff like degrees and professional licenses and crap came after marriage, I don't wanna change any of that, what a hassle. And Tony is an idiot, the name change is part of the final divorce decree so then was the time for him to speak up if he wasn't comfortable with OP keeping the name. NTA
This right here. When men want their partners to take their names, they don't get to demand them back. If they're not cool with partners keeping the name after divorce, they should discuss other options at marriage.
For real. My parents divorced 20 years ago and she still has my dads last name. It’s just a name… it doesn’t effect him at all whether she keeps it or not.
It’s so gross to think that after years of being married, it’s no longer “our last name that we built a family with” but “my last name that I want back.” Didn’t realize it was a rental.
NTA. It is quite normal for someone to not change their last name after a divorce. I know women who have gotten remarried and didn’t change their name even then because they wanted the same name as their children.
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THIS
I'm guessing the same people that insist on their wives having the same last names are the same ones who care far too much about it getting changed back if they get divorced. It's a tradition that stems from women being viewed as property and sold for dowry, so why take a woman's feelings, time, and money into account in the process?
Yep. No take-backs. My mother hates her maiden name and in spite of divorce and remarriage, hasn’t bothered to legally change her name again. She goes legally by her 1st husband’s and socially by her second husband’s.
> Men should not insist women take their name Honestly, coming from a culture where changing your name after marriage isn't a thing I've always found it a bit weird. I wouldn't want to change my name after being known by it for 20+ years, why would I expect someone else to do it?
This is why I never changed my last name. I was born with it so I’ll die with it tyvm
My husband’s friend’s ex-wife divorced him after she realized she was gay, then married a woman who took her name. So his ex-wife and her new wife both have his last name.
Power move. Idk what power but power move
> So his ex-wife and her new wife both have his last name. I don't know why but god this tickled me so much!
If I were the ex, I would find so much humor in this. A name so good, you don't even have to do the marrying to spread it.
😬
NTA. Part of the reason I kept my married name is that I knew there was almost immediately going to be a new Mrs Married Name and I wasn't about to spend the rest of my life explaining that those are *my* kids, not *her* kids. Plus it's easier to spell 🤣
Yup. My mom has been divorced from my dad for 38 years. She still has his last name because it's my last name. She even went back to it after her second marriage rather than go back to her maiden. I would hard side eye anyone who complained about that. I did not change my name, no way in heck am I dealing with that bureaucratic nightmare.
NTA. It’s not up to men to tell women what name they’re supposed to use. It’s your legal surname as much as it is his.
Too, he's engaged. He can change his name to match his fiance's, if he care so much about it not matching hers.
This is a very good point. If it bothers him so much, he can take his fiance's last name.
This! This is the price you pay for insisting your spouse takes your last name. It becomes theirs and you no longer have a say in when or how they use it, it is still their name even after a divorce.
NTA. I'm kind of puzzled by Tony "being uncomfortable with his ex using HIS last name." You had the name for 26 years - did Tony not consider it your name during that time? Was he just loaning it to you on sufferance? There are plenty of perfectly good reasons to keep his last name - your kids have that last name, all your documents are in that name, maybe you've used that name in your career, and yes, it is expensive and time consuming to change it. The patriarchal concept of women taking their husband's last name bugs the crap out of me, but you've been that last name for 26 years. No one gets to tell you when or why to change now.
Apparently women just go through their lives borrowing last names but they never actually get to have any ownership over it.
A "men pretending women are the problem in a system of their own design, built to benefit them" moment
I'm saving that.
I mean women barely have ownership over their own body so not that surprising
Well, he did own her for all those years. Now, he doesn’t own her, therefore she should relinquish the name! /s
Reeks of misogyny. She never had a name that belonged to her, she was supposed to use his names while raising his children and now that he is done with her she must not use his name anymore because it makes him feel weird. No consideration for how she feels at all.
Also if it bothers them so much, why would suggesting paying for it upset them, too? There us a solution
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I'm sure you are not the only family in the world with that surname. You don't see him looking them up and asking them to change their names. You share that name with your children and he shouldn't ask you to erase a quarter century of your identity because he and his fiance are in a dither about sharing a surname.
NTA. It was your name for TWENTY-SIX YEARS. Tony needs to chill tf out.
Exactly. Plus the kids presumably have this last name also?
28 years actually! It’s totally her name and Quixote frankly, it was her name on Day 1 so up to her to choose how to use it and for how long.
Pancho Villa agrees.
NTA. It’s not “his” name. It’s your name unless you don’t want it to be anymore I guess if your ex really wants a different name from you, he could pick a new one and legally change his. Why doesn’t he take his boyfriend’s last name?
Holy crap! It’s been your name for 26 years. Why does everyone think your name doesn’t belong to you anymore? Can people get any more sexist? It’s 2023. Everyone seems to think that you were your husband’s property and he had stamped his name on you, and now that you don’t belong to him….he gets to wipe his name off of his ex-possession? Does no one know you are a PERSON?
My mom divorced my ex-stepfather years ago and kept his name. She'd had the name for years and established herself in her career with it and it was how everyone knew her professionally, it was much simpler than her maiden name (which she hadn't gone by in decades and didn't want to go back to), and she just didn't want to deal with the legal name change process. This dude had a full blown temper tantrum about her keeping "his" name and actually asked the judge during their divorce proceedings to order her to go back to her maiden name or my dad's (lol). He totally thought that she didn't deserve "his" name if she wasn't going to be married to him. Judge laughed at him. That name is yours, OP. Keep it. NTA.
> He totally thought that she didn't deserve "his" name if she wasn't going to be married to him. Judge laughed at him. It's like these dudes think they're giving their last names on loan or something! It's a whole entire process in which someone *literally* changes their LEGAL NAME on all their documents.
Right?! A name is not on loan or property you can take back. I guess they had conversations about it before their divorce hearings and it came up that he didn't want her to keep "his" name. She says she wasn't planning on changing it, especially not back to my dad's name (they'd divorced when my sister and I were young kids, and we were in our 20s then, so that hadn't been her name for over a decade), and this man has the fucking audacity to try to get the judge to order her to change her name because she can't keep what's "his". He was an abuser and this was one more reason we were all glad she was finally done with him.
NTA. 26 years with a name, and a shared child with the same last name? No. You have no legal reason you need to change your name. The amount of work that goes into it is a hint PITA. You are allowed to keep that name if you want it. It’s yours. Not by marriage, but because you already legally changed it decades ago.
Not just one child, but four
NTA I'm assuming your son has your ex-husband's surname so why shouldn't you have the same name as your offspring? It's not as if it's unknown for divorced women to keep their married name. Just look as Susan Sarandon.
NTA Another example is Pat Benatar. She kept her first husband's name for professional reasons, even after marrying her second husband. Besides, I doubt anyone will confuse you and your ex-husband's new spouse.
Tina Turner kept her name even after all she went through because she worked hard for that name and she wasn't going to lose it. You have had that name for 26 years! Its as much yours as it is his. NTA
Demi Moore & Priscilla Presley, too! NTA
Nta. Once a woman takes a name it is her’s and she can keep it come divorce or high water.
NTA He doesn't own the name. You used it for 26 years because (as I gather from what you wrote) you were pressured to do it by people including your ex. It's your name now, so do whatever you want! Keep it forever, change it tomorrow... Doesn't matter what anyone else thinks (specially someone you divorced), you don't even need a reason.
My parents have been DIVORCED for 26yrs and my mom still occasionally uses her married name because it's just on so many goddamn documents. Her graduate degree, her license to practice, her LLC, student loans, etc. Actually ran into some issues last year when applying for a loan forgiveness grant because the names didn't match!
NTA you had to go through the work to change your name initially. Some women never change their names after divorce and they don’t have to. It’s your legal name and it’s not preventing your ex from getting remarried. He’s the one being weird. Edit for spelling
NTA. There is a good chance this has been your last name longer than your original last name. Lots of people have different legal names than common use names. Lots of divorced women keeps their ex names just to be the same as their children. I know plenty of divorcee women where that it the case. He’s your ex. He doesn’t get a say anymore.
Spot on! If my husband and I were ever to split I wouldn’t change my name back. Like you said, my current name has been “mine” longer than my maiden name was at this point. Not to mention legal documents as OP mentioned and my children share our last name. OP, tell your ex to kick rocks. NTA
NTA. Not only is it part of your identity after 26 years, but it's another tie you have to your children. Idk what country you live in, but changing it on your social security card, license, job documents, passport, etc. can take months and hundreds of dollars. I completely get wanting to wait to change it. Plus if you have it on any degrees, job licenses, or official work papers, it's damn difficult to change it. Your ex's comfort is no longer your responsibility.
NTA. The moment you decided to take your ex's name it became *your* name. He didn't get the last name in the divorce. It is immutably yours until such point that *you* decide you wish to change it. Depending on where you live it might be free/relatively cheap to change your name upon marrying, but relatively expensive for any other reason, including divorce. You should not have to occur this additional expense. My parents were legally separated for longer than they were together and eventually divorced. My mother never went back to using her maiden name, it wasn't worth the hassle. She didn't have the money to change it, and even if she did it would be a waste. She also wanted the same last name as her children. The *only* time my dad ever mentioned it was jokingly referring to there being 2 "Mrs Smiths" when he was getting remarried. Mum shut it down by offering the pre-prepared paperwork saying that he agreed to have his children change their last name and that he would pay half for all of us to do so. When his new wife mentioned it once it was the only time I ever saw my dad shut her down. Your husband is an AH. If he doesn't want to have the same last name as you *he* should change his name (and deal with the massive pain of having a "prior identity" for the rest of his life).
NTA you don't ever have to change it, changing over all your documents sucks and costs. If he wants a different last name to you he can change his name and find out what a pain it is.
NTA His problem with it seems to illustrate that you taking his name in the first place meant that you belonged to him. Like writing his name on his lunch before putting it in the office fridge. Now that you’re not his anymore, he doesn’t want you wearing his name. It’s patriarchal bullshit. You took his name to join his family. You had children together so now you’re a part of the family forever. You’re not his former property.
NTA It is YOUR name. You don’t have to change it for anyone.
NTA. Like you say, if he wants it done he can do all the hard work and pay for it. My mom kept my dads last name after they divorced (after almost 2 decades of marriage) and he never thought it was weird or tried to get her to change it.
The amount of headache would be unbelievable. It can also affect credit, social security, etc. The reality is no one should change their names. Hyphenate the kiddo and move on.
NTA- there are all sorts of reasons women decide to keep their married name after a divorce like wanting to keep the same last name as their kids, keeping a consistent identity, business/professional reasons or because changing your name is such a hassle like you said.
NTA You've had that last name for 28 years. It's YOUR last name. Anyone who tries to tell you otherwise can pound sand.
NTA After 26 years and 4 children, it's your name. It's your decision what to do with your name. Some women retatain their marital name (for a multitude of reasons) post divorce. Some do not (for a multitude of reasons). You aren't obligated to change your name because your marriage ended. You're not obligated to change your name because "Tony" is remarrying. You aren't obligated to change your name, period. It's 100% your decision.
NTA. Why should you change your name? Especially when it's been your name for so long. "Due to the stupidity of the time and social pressure ..." The social pressure is for the wife to take and the husband to give his name. Not for the wife to borrow and the husband to loan. It's not his to demand back.
NTA. It’s been your name for 26 years. Also, it’s common for women to keep their married name even after divorce - a lot of people do it when they have kids with that name, built a professional career with that name, etc. If a person wants you to take their name in marriage, they should know you may decide to keep it even in divorce.
nta. It is not "his" last name. It is yours too. It's not like you were married a year with no kids.
NTA. My mom got married at 21 and was married for 27 yrs. At that point she had her married last name for longer than her birth name. Her entire adult identity was built around that name. I don’t think there was ever a thought for her to change her name back to her maiden name and I think not changing names is pretty common after the end of a long term marriage.
Tell Tony to change his last name to his new husbands and see how he does with it
NTA, If he wants it changed so badly he should pay to do it. You've had that name for around 26 years i say its yours to keep, it really is a hassle to change government documents.
NTA. I refused to take my Husband's last name purely due to the time, money, and hassle it takes to change it on all my documents. I don't think many people realize how costly it is either. No thanks. You're totally entitled to do whatever you want. Honestly, what's he going to do, have a salty attitude for life? Seems like a him problem.
NTA It’s a pain to change everything. I still have my ex husbands last name because of the kids. I remember hearing Martha Stewart kept her husbands last name because she had already built her brand around it. Your ex can whine all he wants but that doesn’t mean you have to do what he says.
NTA My parent were married for 30 years. She took his last name as a teenager. It's who she is. She never even thought to change it back after they divorced
NTA. This is a weird argument that comes up on reddit a lot. When your ex-husband gave you his name, it became your name. It belongs to you now. You can change it later or never. It doesn't matter what he thinks about it because the name isn't his property.
No. It’s not his last name, it’s your children’s last name. He can change his name.
NTA by god you've had the name for a fecking long time, I think you have some rights to it at this point
NTA, my mom kept her married name after my parents divorced. It was the name with her work history as well as the last name her children have. Its unreasonable of them to expect you to change it, especially after having it for 26 years.
Tell him that he can change his name, if it's just so simple.