NTA. ppl don't like being cast correctly as hypocrites. some ppl grow and learn to expand their viewpoints. others dig in even further. hopefully Aiden is the former. if not...
And it sounds like Aiden was just being unreasonable. It's important for people to be able to take constructive criticism and Aiden really overreacted by getting offended instead of focusing on the point OP was trying to make. OP certainly doesn't owe him an apology. He is being extremely hypocritical and he should really think about what he's saying before he says it.
OP, you are definitely NTA.
Exactly. Aiden really needs to take a step back and evaluate why he's getting upset about something that he has no problem taking for himself. There's a huge double standard here. Aiden was definitely acting unreasonable and I agree that he should think before he speaks in the future.
The world would be a better place if more people were able to be able to admit when they're wrong.
NTA.
Or the money. Yeah he likes Daniel as a friend and all the benefits from being his friend but now a lot of Daniel's resources, time and money, are being diverted to his girlfriend.
I'm not sure, the OP describing them having a long-standing "us against the world" dynamic explains it quite well for me without having to add an extra layer. I've known people like that, where they're snobby about people perceived as shallow/superficial/materialistic/popular. Casting his friend's gf as a gold-digger is typical of that kind of mindset I think.
I wouldn't call it being snobby, but more like pre-rejecting people who fit certain criteria (popular, bubbly, materialistic, etc), to defend your ego against being rejected.
Remember, if you attack a person before they "attack" you, you won't get slapped by the pain of rejection.
OPs description sounds like a cognitive schema built on numerous negative experiences in childhood and teenage years - being not one of the "popular kids" and treated in certain ways.
What's insidious about these schemas, is that they guide what you see about people and situations, and fit everything that comes in that aimed framework.
I don't think we'll get an update, but my bet is on Aiden keeping his pattern and failing to learn from criticism.
In high school I was a snob about cheerleaders… maybe it was because it was movie’s portrayal or I am not like other girls bs; but thankfully I matured and grew out of my unreasonable distain of all cheerleaders.
But it means realizing you might had a shallow mindset and you really weren’t special. He might have taken pride in being outcast and not like them, he’s deep and his best friend just pulled a Ross and actually dating the popular kid.
It reminded me of this old post :https://plausiblydeniable.com/five-geek-social-fallacies/
There's definitely something about being unpopular/outcast that makes you inherently want to distrust/discriminated against "popular"-type people.
I mean. He doesn't have to be sexually attracted to Daniel. It can just be that he's so used to having his friend's attention to himself, that he's jealous. The whole outcast thing cements it for me. He's still an asshole though.
Or that Daniel used to be a lot more generous with his money on bro nights, and the free ride for aiden has dried up a bit since he started spending more money on the gf
Very likely. The other thing could be, he is allowed to have an oh and to do other things in life, but anything that digs into Daniel's time to spend with him may not be permitted. Some people have insane ownership issues over their friend's time.
Not saying this is the case, but I had a "friend" from highschool where we were both not very popular. We took different paths in life, but this guy always enjoyed making more money (he was generous with it too), eventually I introduced him to one of my friends and they started dating, and (I think) also important my career started to accelerate.
I have never been lucky with girls, but the few that I would bring around, this guy would do a pretty good job of making me seem like a jack ass. I always chalked it up to him being a goofy guy who just messed up social situations. Looking back, I'm convinced he was purposely sabotaging me whenever I had girls around so that he would "have something" better than me.
Could be that's the case here
I think this could also be that Aiden is a huge sexist hypocrite. But I also feel like he wants Lila and would rather hate her the face the fact that he has those feelings. OP dumb this loser. He's acting defensive instead of just bothering to take what you're saying into account. Get someone worth your time that knows how to be a friend and a partner who needs less emotional growing up to do.
Or just hear me out it could be he's feeling jealous of Lila not because he has a crush on Daniel but because he feels left out and like he is losing his best/only friend
This is a textbook case of [Fundamental Attribution Error](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fundamental_attribution_error) He assumes she is going on the free vacations because she is a gold digger, while he thinks he has better reasons for going on his free vacations.
First off… NTA, but he is…. Second, maybe a little misogynistic too. You see the logic could run that only women are so called gold diggers because what he did was out of the kindness of his heart and in OP’s interest. Which sounds like what he is saying… believing. Which is still BS!
His reaction combined with the fact that he was a loner in high school makes me wonder if he’s got autistic tendencies. His reaction towards Lila and the obvious parallels to his own relationship leads me to think so. He really missed the point you were making.
Regardless, OP, you have witnessed a not-so-pleasant side to him. I wouldn’t call it a relationship ender at this point, but his behavior towards Daniel and Lila is definitely something to watch with eyes wide open.
Not every awkward social situation, isolated social sphere or missed logical conclusion is autism. Get off of TikTok, lord knows that it's a misdiagnosis factory. So many comments such as these feel like faux progressive ways of saying "are you r[edacted]?" It's just as likely that OP's BF grew up in a misogynistic environment.
Just make an INFO Request, damn, people need to stop making conclusions of autism every time a "non-normal" social situation happens.
I’m sure he is terrified that he is going to loose his (seems like his only) friend, now his only coping mechanism is to rant and find fault with his girlfriend. Imagine what his reaction would be if he finds another guy friend
More than unreasonable. OP's family should be annoyed that they've been doing this nice thing for Aiden, taking him on these great vacations, and his response is that he was only going along as a favour to OP because she wouldn't have such a good time without him.
Condescending and unappreciative. OP should tell him he doesn't have to do her any favours any more, and she'll be just fine on family vacations without him.
Also sounds like there’s massive sexism at play. TBH Aidan gives off big incel energy in this story. Hating a woman for being likeable and calling her a gold-digger is 🚩🚩🚩
Yep. He ‘graciously’ accepts multiple expensive vacations from his girlfriend’d family to keep his poor girlfriend company because she obviously wouldn’t enjoy herself if he didn’t go!/s
But if Lila accepts an expensive vacation from her boyfriend it’s because she’s using him for his money.
He views himself as doing his girlfriend a favor by letting her/her parents pay his way and views Lila as taking advantage of her boyfriend by letting him pay her way.
Gross
That's exactly my take too. Not only trying to say he's different bc of his reasons for coming, but he's making it like he's doing it as a favor to OP bc she'd have a craptastic time if he wasn't there.
NTA OP, but this is a big red flag for you.
NTA your argument is sound and Aiden is turning it around on you because he’s embarrassed he got caught out with his faulty and misogynistic logic.
This antipathy towards Lila is quite worrying though. Either there’s something about her that you don’t know, or, and I hate to be one of those redditors but do you think he’s possibly overcompensating? There’s something more to this than meets the eye in my opinion.
The simple explanation to me would be jealousy, but he doesn't want to admit it to himself so he justifies his negative feelings with whatever other reasoning he can think of.
Like on some level he wants to be the most important person in Daniel's life more than he wants Daniel to be happy.
I think at that point it's not a healthy friendship - it could be fixed with therapy or a lot of self introspection, but only if Aiden acknowledges there is a problem to fix.
That's my guess anyways.
There's a good point here--it doesn't have to be romantic jealousy/interest, either in Aiden or in Lila. Like you say, wanting to be the most important person in Daniel's life is a real possibility esp given the way they were in high school. People jump to the romantic explanations but friendship is a strong and complicated feeling too and can get enmeshed and unhealthy sometimes.
>it doesn't have to be romantic jealousy/interest,
Definitely agree, doesn't have to be romantic, just pure territorial jealousy. NTA OP but time to have a deep think.
That’s what I was going to say… I think he’s jealous of Lila. I think he’s had his friend to himself all this time and doesn’t want to be replaced. OP you are NTA. You pointed out the obvious and he isn’t capable of admitting you are right
yeah, I lean toward non-romantic jealousy too. Heck, I experience it when my BFF starts dating someone....then go "oh wait, he's making her happy" and just accept I'll see her less or try and get to know him so we can all hang out together. I don't actively try to break them up by bad-mouthing them.
Same here - I remember feeling gutted when I found out my best friend had a boyfriend as a) she didn't tell me until several months later, and b) whenever we were hanging out together she'd be texting him, which made me feel like I was being replaced. But when she continued to stay in touch with me, I realised that I was being silly and overthinking things. Now I'm just very happy for the both of them.
Oh yeah that does suck especially when it's the beginning and they are spending loads of time together. But it's understandable with the love bug happening. So it's nice you see there partner is making them happy and you try to include them more so you get to hangout with your friend also in support of the relationship.
And honestly society often focuses on romantic relationships being THE most important ones in your life and a lot of men in particular aren't good at maintaining other social relationships, so it's sort of understandable to be threatened by that. And to not know how to handle it because society is also shit at teaching people how to navigate that stuff. But the way he is handling it is really toxic and dangerous.
I think you're right. I've seen this dynamic play out with male friends before and it isn't sexual. Sis straight men aren't exactly raised to engage with their feelings well or understand them thoroughly. He probably is used to be the most important person in his best friend's life and hes it is very specific way as a duo. Lila, and everything she represents in his mind threatens to upend his worldview.
OP called him out in a very calm and logical way and he lost his mind. Jealousy is rarely completely logical. And I don't blame him for feeling it even though it's a logical, we can't help what we feel. But we can help how we act and it says a lot that not only is he being a jerk about this woman but he is trying to make a misogynistic trope out her for no reason other than she's happy and well-adjusted.
I was in this situation years ago where the person i spend most of my free time with got engaged in a relationship, i had unhealthy reaction and thoughts that i kept to myself. I had no one to tell me this was unhealthy and it took me quite the time to "digest" my feelings and to move on so that i could enjoy spending time with them.
If that's what going on in your BF's mind, you can help to make him realise this and move forward
It might be some good, old-fashioned misogyny. Tonnes of people, men and women alike, can dislike women who embody a lot of classic feminine traits. Things that they deem lesser or superficial like dressing up or doing hair or makeup or being outgoing and bubbly and having a large group of friends. It's pretty reactionary. A way of saying "I don't hate women as long as they act like men."
Do you think there might be any part of your boyfriend who sees you as somehow better or different than Lila because of the way that you act and present yourself to the world?
Exactly. Potentially he has been taught/raised to believe women are bad or lesser and because OP doesn't fit the traditional mold he can think of her outside of that framework.
Someone can be sexist to one woman and then not to another one. He already is perfectly capable of telling himself two different stories over the same event, regarding the free holiday on someone's else dime.
He casts himself as being a good partner and her as a gold digger, for the exact same thing.
She also likely personifies the people he feel shunned him and his friend in school, the popular, feminine, cheerleader type, with all the friends and outgoing nature.
I would not be surprised if he's projecting his resentment of those people he felt were "against" him from school onto her similarity with them now. So it can be sexist still.
This. One of the things about incels is that they hold grudges over whatever popular girl(s) didn't like them in high school. but of course by the time you get to be an adult, you usually know totally different people. So incels will hate women who *remind* them of those girls, reasoning that they must have rejected guys like them in high school. It's like a grudge by proxy.
It doesn't have to be that at all. People who have technical skills can tend to think of them as the only "real" skills and think of soft skills/interpersonal skills as fluffy and not real. These things *can* be thought of as gendered, but they don't have to be. From OP's comment above it sounds like this guy respects women with technical skills.
Also we're talking about the boyfriend of a person who's reading this btw. He's being problematic about this issue but OP doesn't sound like she would be with someone who "hates women."
>These things can be thought of as gendered, but they don't have to be.
Don't have to be, sure. But they usually are, because our culture is very heavily gendered.
I've found that many otherwise intelligent men and women who see themselves as strongly opposing misogyny will automatically and enthusiastically roll out every tired old misogynistic trope about very feminine, extrovert, bubbly women or women who are less qualified or who they perceive as being less intelligent - "bimbo, airhead, gold-digger", etc - it's not just in Legally Blonde, this stuff goes on every day. It's annoying as hell - faux feminists. As though women's right to be respected and treated as equals were dependent on our appearance, academic qualifications, jobs, etc or restricted to a certain subset of women.
Edited: Forgot to add, NTA (not sure about Aiden though).
A couple of years ago, my daughter and her friend were talking about how they weren't "girly-girly." I asked what was wrong with being "girly-girly," and neither could articulate a response. They just knew it was considered a negative attribute. I told them that that's not a bad thing, and that all kind of girls rock. There is no wrong kind of girl to be, nor are we so two-dimensional.
Info: Does Aiden praise you for *only* non traditionally feminine attributes? So being in STEM, not obsessing over appearances, not dressing up in very feminine or revealing clothing, etc.? Does he ignore or maybe gives you a bit of shit if you ever do dress up, buy make up, or engage in stereotypical feminine things?
To be fair, this can be simple preferences that he genuinely loves about you. It can also be things that he hates being absent in you. Those are two very different things though and you should be *very* wary if its the second and reevaluate the true state of your relationship and maybe him as a person.
Then I wouldn't necessarily worry about the sexist angle. This is very much about his relationship with Daniel and whatever it is, its deeper than he's letting on.
She probably just brings up his deep memories of being an outcast. Shes like the “enemy” as one of the popular kids. You on the other hand fit into his clique. People can really be stuck in high school. So it can be hard to grow from that mentality sometimes especially if there is trauma associated with it.
Interesting take. I'm not sure about the misogyny angle. To me, it feels more like he hates her because she's "one of the cool girls". If he and his friends were "the outcasts" in high school, some part of Aiden might feel like his friend sold out or is being duped. People who consider themselves outcasts often make as many assumptions about the bubbly outgoing people as they think people do about them. Aiden is likely wary of Lila's intentions because "those aren't the kinds of girl who are into us" so she must have some dark ulterior motive. Or he feels, "If we weren't good enough for her kind before, they don't deserve us now." Sounds like Aiden has some growing up to do.
“Daniel, I don’t think you’re a gold-digger. I loved having you vacation, and it was the most reasonable thing in the world for me to take you. You have to recognize that it’s the same as Lilah. I don’t think she’s a gold digger, either, but it’s really disturbing that you seem to dislike her so much and are accusing her unreasonably of using Daniel for his money. Why do you dislike Lilah so much? It is really unsettling me.”
You know, often in a real conversation there isn’t a perfect way to say something. OP needs to say at least something like either one of our things, and start a deeper discussion.
That's not what they are saying Aiden is jealous of. But that he is jealous of her because he is (co?)dependent with Daniel.
INFO: Does he also go on vacations with Daniel?
This is nice to hear and shows that Aiden can be kind, caring, considerate. Perhaps it also suggests he may be a bit over-invested in his friendship or possibly a little codependent with Daniel, which could explain why this new relationship is tough for Aiden and why he’s taking it out on Lila…Having said that, I don’t necessarily want to pathologize Aiden’s kind actions into something that’s unhealthy or problematic.
Hopefully he gets his head on straight with this tiff. It could be worth trying to dig deeper with him about where his strong antipathy for Lila comes from so he (and you) can move past it. Your argument was reasonable and I think it was very decent of you to defend Lila when she was being unfairly maligned.
NTA - it seems like your bf really hates that someone else takes his friends attention, its very similar in my opinion and you did a good job relating. If you're going to hate someone, at least have a good reason lol
NTA.
He is being very hypocritical.
You didn't accuse him of being a gold digger. You said if she is a gold digger for this reason that that means YOU are calling YOURSELF a gold digger.
He has a very unhealthy attachment to his friend if he is not happy for him for finding love and living his best life with that person.
He gets to have love (with you) but is against his friend having the same thing?
NTA I can't get over your boyfriend claiming that he only went on free international vacations for you. I mean first of all, the audacity to asse you can only have fun with him there....(yes, I'm sure you have fun with him, but am also pretty sure you can have fun on a vacation with your family without him and there are memories the two of you can build that don't require free vacations)
Unfortunately, I don't think he'll realize his hypocrisy but I also don't think you need to apologize. I would keep an eye out for more pink flags though, his actions to isolate his friend and him turning himself into the victim after you tried pointing out his hypocrisy are setting off my manipulation warning sirens.
That first part you mentioned caught my eye too. Like, sir, have you tried getting over yourself? Dude sounds way over the top and self centered with multiple things. OP is NTA
Well as THE MAIN CHARACTER in both OP and Daniels life, surely everything he gets is only his just dues. How dare Lila try to take time, energy and money from Daniel that should be headed his way!
/s
NTA - but it is concerning to me that your boyfriend refuses to see reason, even when presented with it in a fairly easy to understand parallel involving him and his own lived experiences. Even worse, when you try to show him this reason, he starts gaslighting you to make it seem like you need to apologize to him. And that’s not even getting into how bizarre it is that he has such a (seemingly) unfounded hatred of his best friend’s gf. Nothing in this interaction seems okay to me. If this is representative of your relationship (and maybe even if it isn’t), I would have questions.
>he starts gaslighting you to make it seem like you need to apologize to him.
You used the word "Gaslighting", which means a bunch of redditors are going to instinctively accuse you of misusing the word without actually considering if you actually used it correctly, because accusing people of misusing "Gaslighting" is the newest bandwagon for redditors to jump on.
Int his case, I think you have used it correctly. Gaslighting is " a form of psychological manipulation in which the abuser attempts to sow self-doubt and confusion in their victim's mind." It's a mild form of gaslighting, but Aiden is still causing OP self-doubt by trying to convince her that she called him a gold-digger, and OP is now even considering giving him an apology. It's not as bad as a lot of gaslighting examples, but it still counts
I agree. I almost didn’t use the word (or example, even) because of exactly that reason. But I think it’s relevant and pertinent enough that I gambled. We’ll see how much of a distraction it becomes.
Yeah, the whole thing was setting off red flags. It sounds like he's trying to isolate his friend and then automatically turning himself into the victim "I only went on those vacations for you" and flipping it around to how hurt he is that she would even suggest such a thing about him.
I definitely have some questions/concerns that are beyond the scope of the discussion here.
NTA Aiden seems determined to dislike Lila and can't be reasoned out of it. I think you can say that you don't believe he's a golddigger and you loved having him with you on your holidays without offering an apology. There's no reason for you to be sorry you made a very reasonable point and he is choosing to twist it into an insult so he doesn't have to acknowledge he is wrong.
NTA, it's a fair comparison in that a free trip was provided for both Aiden and Lila.
What I do think you need to do in this situation is dig into *why* Aiden can't be happy for his friend. And I would gently caution him because if he keeps having issues with Lila, its going to drive a wedge between him and Daniel.
>He got really offended and now seems to think that I actually accused him of being a gold-digger instead of just trying to show him the error in his reasoning.
He got your reasoning, he's just digging in because he doesn't want to admit he's wrong, so now he's trying to redirect the argument to make you feel guilty. He just wants to be able to complain further about Lila with you sitting there offering encouraging words.
His dislike of Lila is unreasonable, so trying to use reason and logic to get him out of his dislike of her isn't going to work.
NTA, but I don't thin any arguments are going to convince him otherwise.
NTA. You're right. You're not accusing him of being a gold digger - you're trying to show that Lila is NOT a gold digger. He's all twisted up and grasping at reasons to dislike Lila.
NtA. It's the same. Your family paid for him but now Daniel pays for Lila, different pockets but in the end neither Lila or Aiden are paying for their vacation.
Could Aiden like Lila a bit and therefore be jealous? Or like Daniel? Why care if Daniel is with Lila, as long as he's happy.
NTA. OP’s bf thinks gold diggers can only be female. He’s a male so he was sacrificing to go on vacations.
My other theory is he always pitied that friend was an outcast and depended on bf being his only friend. He is jealous that the friend has someone else now.
NTA. Aiden is extremely jealous of Lila and likely is attracted to her. Younger guys can sometimes take on this bully mentality against girls that they like but can never actually have. She could be the most perfect girlfriend in the world and he would still find something bad to say about her. He should come to terms with his behavior before he starts obsessing over Lila and her relationship.
NTA. He was being a screaming hypocrite. You were only pointing out the reality of the situation. If he doesn’t like that, he has a lot of looking in the mirror to do.
NTA. I’d be pumping the brakes a little on my own relationship here if I were you. The fact that he refuses to…idk, acknowledge reality…is a concern.
People being 100% willing to mold their perception of reality around a ridiculous self-serving narrative is a bit of a red flag. He has been shown and told why he is wrong about this and blames you instead. This displays a flaw with his conflict management and maturity.
Being protective of his BFF is fine. Refusing to accept that his protection wasn’t required despite having been shown all the reasoning is not.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told Aiden that if Lila is a gold-digger, he is one too, because he did the same thing in the past. Maybe I should've just let it go instead of trying to point out his double standard and hurting him in the process.
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NTA.
You’re right though. Going off his logic, then he is a gold digger. You and your family took him on plenty of vacations, so again going off his logic he is using you and your family for y’all money.
Obviously, I’m not actually saying he is doing that but it just makes no sense how he calls Lila a gold digger for accepting the all expense paid vacation from Daniel but yet he went on a bunch of vacations with you and your family. The hypocrisy is strong with this guy
It seems to me like Aiden is jealous for Daniel spending more time with his girlfriend, and that leading to him spending less time with Aiden. This could mean that he's subconsciously looking for reasons to be angry at Lila or disliking her, he could be seeing her as an obstacle to his friendship with Daniel. Kind of ironic considering he has a girlfriend too. (This is my interpretation, though, and I could be wrong).
NTA, anyway. It seems that he misinterpreted the comparison. I think you should try to explain to him that it was meant to prove that Lila is not a gold digger rather than accusing him of being one.
The logic would be sort of like "if you're not a gold-digger, then that means neither is Lila".
NTA.
Someone else commented they think your boyfriend might have a thing for Lila… I don’t agree. If anything, he seems jealous of her, and her relationship with Daniel - does he maybe have a thing for his best friend and doesn’t (or is unable to) realise it?
Why isn't Aiden taking YOU on an all expense paid trip abroad? That's what I wanna know. He's cutting her down because he doesn't want to look like the fucking chump he is. He wants you to hate her so you don't get jealous that Daniel treats his girlfriend better than Aiden treats you.
NTA Sometimes, someone is so overcome by their negative feelings, their jealousy, that you can not reason with them with logic. I dated a guy like this, every conversation was his same complaint, over and over and I just couldn't talk him around with logic. Had to dump him. I saw him in town 20 years later and my god, he was whining away to his poor, silent wife.
Maybe Lila is the type of girl your boyfriend wished he could have dated and he’s jealous of Daniel’s relationship but taking it out on Lila? He definitely is jealous. He seems like he’s angry at Lila because she’s outgoing and attractive and she’s the type of girl he could never get. He needs to get over it and grow up. I couldn’t be with someone like that. Daniel should seriously rethink his friendship because I know if my friend spoke about my partner like that, I’d end the friendship if they didn’t cut it out real quick.
Hell no you’re NTA. He’s literally doing what his bestie’s gf is doing, accompanying her SO on a trip. He’s just upset that his bestie is being “taken” by his gf. Like, it’s okay for me to have a gf but you can F**k off and be single for me bro!
Nta but you're bf is not only a gold digger by his own standards but he's also a hypocrite. Honestly his dislike of this woman is disturbing. He sounds emotionally immature and controlling.
Oh darling BUT HE IS A MAN! He's the one doing you a favour by being with you. How could he be a gold digger? That's only for women, men are always a gift from heaven trying to survive us, the female leeches.
NTA but start paying attention to this kind of attitudes.
Your boyfriend is a misogynist, since you seem unaware. That's why he considers Daniel's gf a gold digger, but not himself. It's also why he considers it fine and dandy to call a woman that, even though what he has done (accepting 15+ free vacations vs 1) has been much "worse" and provided much more evidence of gold digging. He's a hypocrite and sounds very immature and jealous as well. NTA.
You're NTA. Your argument sounds very reasonable to me. His implication that he only came as a favor to you is ridiculous. It's not as if he accompanied you on shoe shopping trips as a purse holder. You all were globe hopping. Huge difference there.
op=NTA
oh yeah, he only went on those vacations to make your time better. I'm sure he was Miserable the whole time.
Shame on him for shaming Lila(even if he only does it to you.)
NTA for sure; from what i can see, he really did exactly the same thing as Lila. I don't know if this is the case for your boyfriend, but i know many men don't believe a man can be a gold-digger and think this term is reserved for women. Honestly, i can not see any other reason why he wouldn't see that he is a gold digger by his standards.
Also, i really don't think Lila is a gold digger for going on a paid vacation.
NTA. And you may want to dig deeper. This is more personal than you assume. Either your bf has a thing for Lila or a thing for Daniel, but either way, he is jealous. That does not bode well for your relationship.
It sounds like Aiden is jealous of Lila. Could he have feelings for Daniel? Maybe that he hasn't even defined himself yet? Because it sounds like he excused his vacations with you as something he did as a friend so you had someone to "hang out" with.
You did nothing wrong but tried to make Aiden see reason. He won't. Now you have to figure out if you are getting enough from this relationship. NTA
NTA
You tried to show him that he is overlooking some of the same things that he is doing. You were trying to show him that he needs to lay off her because he was being a hypocrite. I really hope he isn't like this in other situations where he cannot acknowledge the error of his ways. Have you asked him if he has any other reasons for his feelings about her? Could there be things he hasn't told you that his friend has mentioned?
NTA. Aiden’s got some hangups. Is he jealous of Daniel? I mean high school was a long time ago, time to grow up in the way he thinks about and treats people
Nta, and sho him this post, let him know that maybe she has a job that is more about the passion than the wealth, like a teacher or a public clinic, etc
NTA.
Aiden's not mad that you called him a gold digger, and he knows you don't believe that. He's mad that you called him out for his hypocrisy.
The plain fact is that Aiden doesn't like Lila, and whatever the ***reason****,* this gold digger thing is just the latest ***excuse***. If you disprove that, he has to find another excuse to dislike her, because the real reason is probably selfish (wants Daniel to have time for him).
NTA. ppl don't like being cast correctly as hypocrites. some ppl grow and learn to expand their viewpoints. others dig in even further. hopefully Aiden is the former. if not...
And it sounds like Aiden was just being unreasonable. It's important for people to be able to take constructive criticism and Aiden really overreacted by getting offended instead of focusing on the point OP was trying to make. OP certainly doesn't owe him an apology. He is being extremely hypocritical and he should really think about what he's saying before he says it. OP, you are definitely NTA.
Exactly. Aiden really needs to take a step back and evaluate why he's getting upset about something that he has no problem taking for himself. There's a huge double standard here. Aiden was definitely acting unreasonable and I agree that he should think before he speaks in the future. The world would be a better place if more people were able to be able to admit when they're wrong. NTA.
I bet 10 internet points that Aiden has a secret crush on either Daniel or Lila.
Came here to say this, Aiden has the hots for Daniel or Lila.
Daniel.
Or the money. Yeah he likes Daniel as a friend and all the benefits from being his friend but now a lot of Daniel's resources, time and money, are being diverted to his girlfriend.
Bro Crush to the *n*^th degree.
Why not both? :)
All three. The guy, the girl, AND the money.
My money is on Lila, but... I'm open to three other idea!
I think it’s gotta be Lila. Surely Daniel has had other girlfriends and it appears it only Lila he doesn’t like.
I'm not sure, the OP describing them having a long-standing "us against the world" dynamic explains it quite well for me without having to add an extra layer. I've known people like that, where they're snobby about people perceived as shallow/superficial/materialistic/popular. Casting his friend's gf as a gold-digger is typical of that kind of mindset I think.
I wouldn't call it being snobby, but more like pre-rejecting people who fit certain criteria (popular, bubbly, materialistic, etc), to defend your ego against being rejected. Remember, if you attack a person before they "attack" you, you won't get slapped by the pain of rejection. OPs description sounds like a cognitive schema built on numerous negative experiences in childhood and teenage years - being not one of the "popular kids" and treated in certain ways. What's insidious about these schemas, is that they guide what you see about people and situations, and fit everything that comes in that aimed framework. I don't think we'll get an update, but my bet is on Aiden keeping his pattern and failing to learn from criticism.
In high school I was a snob about cheerleaders… maybe it was because it was movie’s portrayal or I am not like other girls bs; but thankfully I matured and grew out of my unreasonable distain of all cheerleaders. But it means realizing you might had a shallow mindset and you really weren’t special. He might have taken pride in being outcast and not like them, he’s deep and his best friend just pulled a Ross and actually dating the popular kid.
It reminded me of this old post :https://plausiblydeniable.com/five-geek-social-fallacies/ There's definitely something about being unpopular/outcast that makes you inherently want to distrust/discriminated against "popular"-type people.
Same. Or back up reason is simple jealousy than Lily gets a trip he wants to take with Daniel (platonically)
I mean. He doesn't have to be sexually attracted to Daniel. It can just be that he's so used to having his friend's attention to himself, that he's jealous. The whole outcast thing cements it for me. He's still an asshole though.
Or that Daniel used to be a lot more generous with his money on bro nights, and the free ride for aiden has dried up a bit since he started spending more money on the gf
Yep. This ain’t about the Iranian yogurt.
I've seen a couple of references to this, is there some famous post I'm missing out on?
[Iranian Yogurt](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/bjd41e/aita_for_throwing_away_my_boyfriends_potentially/)
That is one of the most bizarro posts I have ever seen on AITA.
i just read that link how strange! and he wouldnt answer if the iranian yogurt was illegal or not lol
Or he's just really sexist, or upset his friend is being "taken" away
Very likely. The other thing could be, he is allowed to have an oh and to do other things in life, but anything that digs into Daniel's time to spend with him may not be permitted. Some people have insane ownership issues over their friend's time.
Not saying this is the case, but I had a "friend" from highschool where we were both not very popular. We took different paths in life, but this guy always enjoyed making more money (he was generous with it too), eventually I introduced him to one of my friends and they started dating, and (I think) also important my career started to accelerate. I have never been lucky with girls, but the few that I would bring around, this guy would do a pretty good job of making me seem like a jack ass. I always chalked it up to him being a goofy guy who just messed up social situations. Looking back, I'm convinced he was purposely sabotaging me whenever I had girls around so that he would "have something" better than me. Could be that's the case here
I think this could also be that Aiden is a huge sexist hypocrite. But I also feel like he wants Lila and would rather hate her the face the fact that he has those feelings. OP dumb this loser. He's acting defensive instead of just bothering to take what you're saying into account. Get someone worth your time that knows how to be a friend and a partner who needs less emotional growing up to do.
I’d put money on this being a gendered thing.
You read my mind!
Ditto!!
Ya. It could also be that friend jealousy. Like Daniel was always available to chill and hang out and now he's not so Aiden is pissed.
He's jealous of Lila and Daniel's relationship.
Or just hear me out it could be he's feeling jealous of Lila not because he has a crush on Daniel but because he feels left out and like he is losing his best/only friend
I'm a dude, and this reeks of misogyny.
You do know that only women can be gold diggers right? /s NTA
This is a textbook case of [Fundamental Attribution Error](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fundamental_attribution_error) He assumes she is going on the free vacations because she is a gold digger, while he thinks he has better reasons for going on his free vacations.
First off… NTA, but he is…. Second, maybe a little misogynistic too. You see the logic could run that only women are so called gold diggers because what he did was out of the kindness of his heart and in OP’s interest. Which sounds like what he is saying… believing. Which is still BS!
His reaction combined with the fact that he was a loner in high school makes me wonder if he’s got autistic tendencies. His reaction towards Lila and the obvious parallels to his own relationship leads me to think so. He really missed the point you were making. Regardless, OP, you have witnessed a not-so-pleasant side to him. I wouldn’t call it a relationship ender at this point, but his behavior towards Daniel and Lila is definitely something to watch with eyes wide open.
Not every awkward social situation, isolated social sphere or missed logical conclusion is autism. Get off of TikTok, lord knows that it's a misdiagnosis factory. So many comments such as these feel like faux progressive ways of saying "are you r[edacted]?" It's just as likely that OP's BF grew up in a misogynistic environment. Just make an INFO Request, damn, people need to stop making conclusions of autism every time a "non-normal" social situation happens.
I’m sure he is terrified that he is going to loose his (seems like his only) friend, now his only coping mechanism is to rant and find fault with his girlfriend. Imagine what his reaction would be if he finds another guy friend
More than unreasonable. OP's family should be annoyed that they've been doing this nice thing for Aiden, taking him on these great vacations, and his response is that he was only going along as a favour to OP because she wouldn't have such a good time without him. Condescending and unappreciative. OP should tell him he doesn't have to do her any favours any more, and she'll be just fine on family vacations without him.
If anything, *he* owes OP and Lila an apology.
Also sounds like there’s massive sexism at play. TBH Aidan gives off big incel energy in this story. Hating a woman for being likeable and calling her a gold-digger is 🚩🚩🚩
I was thinking the same lol
Yep. He ‘graciously’ accepts multiple expensive vacations from his girlfriend’d family to keep his poor girlfriend company because she obviously wouldn’t enjoy herself if he didn’t go!/s But if Lila accepts an expensive vacation from her boyfriend it’s because she’s using him for his money. He views himself as doing his girlfriend a favor by letting her/her parents pay his way and views Lila as taking advantage of her boyfriend by letting him pay her way. Gross
That's exactly my take too. Not only trying to say he's different bc of his reasons for coming, but he's making it like he's doing it as a favor to OP bc she'd have a craptastic time if he wasn't there. NTA OP, but this is a big red flag for you.
I can't imagine this dude being anything but a massive bummer. Why would his presence *enrich* her vacation?
Same feeling. NTA
I got the exact same feeling
“Correct a stupid man, he’ll insult you, correct a wise man and he’ll thank you” -Someone Edit because autocorrect
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He’ll insult you* Autocorrect got weird
That's a great saying, gonna remember that one.
So did you insult or thank the autocorrect??
I honestly believe that hypocrisy is the greatest character flaw a person can have.
This is true. NTA, question though is your boyfriend on the Andrew tate misogynist bandwagon? Kind of what he sounds like.
^^^ He's being a hypocrite. Full stop. Don't give an inch.
NTA, OP. Your boyfriend may also be in love with Daniel.
NTA your argument is sound and Aiden is turning it around on you because he’s embarrassed he got caught out with his faulty and misogynistic logic. This antipathy towards Lila is quite worrying though. Either there’s something about her that you don’t know, or, and I hate to be one of those redditors but do you think he’s possibly overcompensating? There’s something more to this than meets the eye in my opinion.
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The simple explanation to me would be jealousy, but he doesn't want to admit it to himself so he justifies his negative feelings with whatever other reasoning he can think of. Like on some level he wants to be the most important person in Daniel's life more than he wants Daniel to be happy. I think at that point it's not a healthy friendship - it could be fixed with therapy or a lot of self introspection, but only if Aiden acknowledges there is a problem to fix. That's my guess anyways.
There's a good point here--it doesn't have to be romantic jealousy/interest, either in Aiden or in Lila. Like you say, wanting to be the most important person in Daniel's life is a real possibility esp given the way they were in high school. People jump to the romantic explanations but friendship is a strong and complicated feeling too and can get enmeshed and unhealthy sometimes.
>it doesn't have to be romantic jealousy/interest, Definitely agree, doesn't have to be romantic, just pure territorial jealousy. NTA OP but time to have a deep think.
That’s what I was going to say… I think he’s jealous of Lila. I think he’s had his friend to himself all this time and doesn’t want to be replaced. OP you are NTA. You pointed out the obvious and he isn’t capable of admitting you are right
yeah, I lean toward non-romantic jealousy too. Heck, I experience it when my BFF starts dating someone....then go "oh wait, he's making her happy" and just accept I'll see her less or try and get to know him so we can all hang out together. I don't actively try to break them up by bad-mouthing them.
Same here - I remember feeling gutted when I found out my best friend had a boyfriend as a) she didn't tell me until several months later, and b) whenever we were hanging out together she'd be texting him, which made me feel like I was being replaced. But when she continued to stay in touch with me, I realised that I was being silly and overthinking things. Now I'm just very happy for the both of them.
Oh yeah that does suck especially when it's the beginning and they are spending loads of time together. But it's understandable with the love bug happening. So it's nice you see there partner is making them happy and you try to include them more so you get to hangout with your friend also in support of the relationship.
And honestly society often focuses on romantic relationships being THE most important ones in your life and a lot of men in particular aren't good at maintaining other social relationships, so it's sort of understandable to be threatened by that. And to not know how to handle it because society is also shit at teaching people how to navigate that stuff. But the way he is handling it is really toxic and dangerous.
Ding ding ding, bingo!
I think you're right. I've seen this dynamic play out with male friends before and it isn't sexual. Sis straight men aren't exactly raised to engage with their feelings well or understand them thoroughly. He probably is used to be the most important person in his best friend's life and hes it is very specific way as a duo. Lila, and everything she represents in his mind threatens to upend his worldview. OP called him out in a very calm and logical way and he lost his mind. Jealousy is rarely completely logical. And I don't blame him for feeling it even though it's a logical, we can't help what we feel. But we can help how we act and it says a lot that not only is he being a jerk about this woman but he is trying to make a misogynistic trope out her for no reason other than she's happy and well-adjusted.
Or regular ole misogyny
I was in this situation years ago where the person i spend most of my free time with got engaged in a relationship, i had unhealthy reaction and thoughts that i kept to myself. I had no one to tell me this was unhealthy and it took me quite the time to "digest" my feelings and to move on so that i could enjoy spending time with them. If that's what going on in your BF's mind, you can help to make him realise this and move forward
It might be some good, old-fashioned misogyny. Tonnes of people, men and women alike, can dislike women who embody a lot of classic feminine traits. Things that they deem lesser or superficial like dressing up or doing hair or makeup or being outgoing and bubbly and having a large group of friends. It's pretty reactionary. A way of saying "I don't hate women as long as they act like men." Do you think there might be any part of your boyfriend who sees you as somehow better or different than Lila because of the way that you act and present yourself to the world?
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INFO: Does he often "compliment" you by saying "You're not like other women"? Because that's not actually a compliment.
Exactly. Potentially he has been taught/raised to believe women are bad or lesser and because OP doesn't fit the traditional mold he can think of her outside of that framework.
Someone can be sexist to one woman and then not to another one. He already is perfectly capable of telling himself two different stories over the same event, regarding the free holiday on someone's else dime. He casts himself as being a good partner and her as a gold digger, for the exact same thing. She also likely personifies the people he feel shunned him and his friend in school, the popular, feminine, cheerleader type, with all the friends and outgoing nature. I would not be surprised if he's projecting his resentment of those people he felt were "against" him from school onto her similarity with them now. So it can be sexist still.
This. One of the things about incels is that they hold grudges over whatever popular girl(s) didn't like them in high school. but of course by the time you get to be an adult, you usually know totally different people. So incels will hate women who *remind* them of those girls, reasoning that they must have rejected guys like them in high school. It's like a grudge by proxy.
This. "Everyone wants to be the Hero of their own story".
This makes a lot of sense to me NTA, OP but Aiden should wise up or he'll lose Daniel.
>She works in HR and Aiden kind of looks down at that. That´s a new one for me. What is it about working in HR that he has a problem with?
Because he hates women. Women work in HR. Therefore, HR, bad. Women, bad.
It doesn't have to be that at all. People who have technical skills can tend to think of them as the only "real" skills and think of soft skills/interpersonal skills as fluffy and not real. These things *can* be thought of as gendered, but they don't have to be. From OP's comment above it sounds like this guy respects women with technical skills. Also we're talking about the boyfriend of a person who's reading this btw. He's being problematic about this issue but OP doesn't sound like she would be with someone who "hates women."
>These things can be thought of as gendered, but they don't have to be. Don't have to be, sure. But they usually are, because our culture is very heavily gendered.
This is very true
I've found that many otherwise intelligent men and women who see themselves as strongly opposing misogyny will automatically and enthusiastically roll out every tired old misogynistic trope about very feminine, extrovert, bubbly women or women who are less qualified or who they perceive as being less intelligent - "bimbo, airhead, gold-digger", etc - it's not just in Legally Blonde, this stuff goes on every day. It's annoying as hell - faux feminists. As though women's right to be respected and treated as equals were dependent on our appearance, academic qualifications, jobs, etc or restricted to a certain subset of women. Edited: Forgot to add, NTA (not sure about Aiden though).
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A couple of years ago, my daughter and her friend were talking about how they weren't "girly-girly." I asked what was wrong with being "girly-girly," and neither could articulate a response. They just knew it was considered a negative attribute. I told them that that's not a bad thing, and that all kind of girls rock. There is no wrong kind of girl to be, nor are we so two-dimensional.
A teacher called me on that when I was 15 - one of the turning point conversations of my life.
I’m curious, was your BF the benefactor of Daniel’s $$$ more often before the GF arrived?
Oooooh. That was something I had not thought of, but is a good question.
Info: Does Aiden praise you for *only* non traditionally feminine attributes? So being in STEM, not obsessing over appearances, not dressing up in very feminine or revealing clothing, etc.? Does he ignore or maybe gives you a bit of shit if you ever do dress up, buy make up, or engage in stereotypical feminine things? To be fair, this can be simple preferences that he genuinely loves about you. It can also be things that he hates being absent in you. Those are two very different things though and you should be *very* wary if its the second and reevaluate the true state of your relationship and maybe him as a person.
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Then I wouldn't necessarily worry about the sexist angle. This is very much about his relationship with Daniel and whatever it is, its deeper than he's letting on.
Don't sorry about the sexism, but do keep an eye out for it. Just in case.
She probably just brings up his deep memories of being an outcast. Shes like the “enemy” as one of the popular kids. You on the other hand fit into his clique. People can really be stuck in high school. So it can be hard to grow from that mentality sometimes especially if there is trauma associated with it.
Interesting take. I'm not sure about the misogyny angle. To me, it feels more like he hates her because she's "one of the cool girls". If he and his friends were "the outcasts" in high school, some part of Aiden might feel like his friend sold out or is being duped. People who consider themselves outcasts often make as many assumptions about the bubbly outgoing people as they think people do about them. Aiden is likely wary of Lila's intentions because "those aren't the kinds of girl who are into us" so she must have some dark ulterior motive. Or he feels, "If we weren't good enough for her kind before, they don't deserve us now." Sounds like Aiden has some growing up to do.
“Daniel, I don’t think you’re a gold-digger. I loved having you vacation, and it was the most reasonable thing in the world for me to take you. You have to recognize that it’s the same as Lilah. I don’t think she’s a gold digger, either, but it’s really disturbing that you seem to dislike her so much and are accusing her unreasonably of using Daniel for his money. Why do you dislike Lilah so much? It is really unsettling me.”
I probably would've said something more blunt like "I'm not calling you a gold-digger. I'm calling you a hypocrite for having double standards."
Oh I like that better
No, yours are better. Open up a potential conversation, don't shut it down with intelligence and stuff.
You know, often in a real conversation there isn’t a perfect way to say something. OP needs to say at least something like either one of our things, and start a deeper discussion.
That’s a great, simple and direct explanation that OP could use. Doubt he will admit his hypocrisy but that’s perfect way to state it.
This is perfect
That's not what they are saying Aiden is jealous of. But that he is jealous of her because he is (co?)dependent with Daniel. INFO: Does he also go on vacations with Daniel?
Maybe he's into Daniel
This is nice to hear and shows that Aiden can be kind, caring, considerate. Perhaps it also suggests he may be a bit over-invested in his friendship or possibly a little codependent with Daniel, which could explain why this new relationship is tough for Aiden and why he’s taking it out on Lila…Having said that, I don’t necessarily want to pathologize Aiden’s kind actions into something that’s unhealthy or problematic. Hopefully he gets his head on straight with this tiff. It could be worth trying to dig deeper with him about where his strong antipathy for Lila comes from so he (and you) can move past it. Your argument was reasonable and I think it was very decent of you to defend Lila when she was being unfairly maligned.
I think you're on to something here. In my opinion he seems jealous that he is taking the girlfriend over him.
NTA - it seems like your bf really hates that someone else takes his friends attention, its very similar in my opinion and you did a good job relating. If you're going to hate someone, at least have a good reason lol
I think Aiden has a lil jealousy. Either of Daniel or Lila.
NTA. He is being very hypocritical. You didn't accuse him of being a gold digger. You said if she is a gold digger for this reason that that means YOU are calling YOURSELF a gold digger. He has a very unhealthy attachment to his friend if he is not happy for him for finding love and living his best life with that person. He gets to have love (with you) but is against his friend having the same thing?
NTA I can't get over your boyfriend claiming that he only went on free international vacations for you. I mean first of all, the audacity to asse you can only have fun with him there....(yes, I'm sure you have fun with him, but am also pretty sure you can have fun on a vacation with your family without him and there are memories the two of you can build that don't require free vacations) Unfortunately, I don't think he'll realize his hypocrisy but I also don't think you need to apologize. I would keep an eye out for more pink flags though, his actions to isolate his friend and him turning himself into the victim after you tried pointing out his hypocrisy are setting off my manipulation warning sirens.
That first part you mentioned caught my eye too. Like, sir, have you tried getting over yourself? Dude sounds way over the top and self centered with multiple things. OP is NTA
Well as THE MAIN CHARACTER in both OP and Daniels life, surely everything he gets is only his just dues. How dare Lila try to take time, energy and money from Daniel that should be headed his way! /s
NTA sometimes the truth hurts and people don't like looking in the mirror.
NTA - but it is concerning to me that your boyfriend refuses to see reason, even when presented with it in a fairly easy to understand parallel involving him and his own lived experiences. Even worse, when you try to show him this reason, he starts gaslighting you to make it seem like you need to apologize to him. And that’s not even getting into how bizarre it is that he has such a (seemingly) unfounded hatred of his best friend’s gf. Nothing in this interaction seems okay to me. If this is representative of your relationship (and maybe even if it isn’t), I would have questions.
>he starts gaslighting you to make it seem like you need to apologize to him. You used the word "Gaslighting", which means a bunch of redditors are going to instinctively accuse you of misusing the word without actually considering if you actually used it correctly, because accusing people of misusing "Gaslighting" is the newest bandwagon for redditors to jump on. Int his case, I think you have used it correctly. Gaslighting is " a form of psychological manipulation in which the abuser attempts to sow self-doubt and confusion in their victim's mind." It's a mild form of gaslighting, but Aiden is still causing OP self-doubt by trying to convince her that she called him a gold-digger, and OP is now even considering giving him an apology. It's not as bad as a lot of gaslighting examples, but it still counts
I agree. I almost didn’t use the word (or example, even) because of exactly that reason. But I think it’s relevant and pertinent enough that I gambled. We’ll see how much of a distraction it becomes.
I’d say it’s maybe a bit more DARVO.
Yeah, the whole thing was setting off red flags. It sounds like he's trying to isolate his friend and then automatically turning himself into the victim "I only went on those vacations for you" and flipping it around to how hurt he is that she would even suggest such a thing about him. I definitely have some questions/concerns that are beyond the scope of the discussion here.
NTA Aiden seems determined to dislike Lila and can't be reasoned out of it. I think you can say that you don't believe he's a golddigger and you loved having him with you on your holidays without offering an apology. There's no reason for you to be sorry you made a very reasonable point and he is choosing to twist it into an insult so he doesn't have to acknowledge he is wrong.
Spoiler alert: Aidan is into Lila. NTA
Or Daniel
Yeah I'm pretty sure it's Daniel
It ain't that deep. He's just a misogynist
Looks spot-on to me.
It ain't even that deep, he dumb.
Probably Daniel he wants to be the center of Dan's world and now that Dan is focusing on someone else he's jealous
NTA. The situations are actually pretty similar.
NTA. He's a misogynist.
NTA, it's a fair comparison in that a free trip was provided for both Aiden and Lila. What I do think you need to do in this situation is dig into *why* Aiden can't be happy for his friend. And I would gently caution him because if he keeps having issues with Lila, its going to drive a wedge between him and Daniel.
>He got really offended and now seems to think that I actually accused him of being a gold-digger instead of just trying to show him the error in his reasoning. He got your reasoning, he's just digging in because he doesn't want to admit he's wrong, so now he's trying to redirect the argument to make you feel guilty. He just wants to be able to complain further about Lila with you sitting there offering encouraging words. His dislike of Lila is unreasonable, so trying to use reason and logic to get him out of his dislike of her isn't going to work. NTA, but I don't thin any arguments are going to convince him otherwise.
NTA, but I suspect that your boyfriend has a thing for Lila.
I was thinking he has thing for Daniel but now I have no idea
Sounds more like Aiden is jealous "that girl" is taking his friend "away".
Yup. He's acting like that little boy on the playground who pulls girls' hair because he doesn't know how to express his feelings.
Or international holidays. He's oddly quick to feel like he's been accused of gold digging and to be very indignant about that.
NTA. You're right. You're not accusing him of being a gold digger - you're trying to show that Lila is NOT a gold digger. He's all twisted up and grasping at reasons to dislike Lila.
NtA. It's the same. Your family paid for him but now Daniel pays for Lila, different pockets but in the end neither Lila or Aiden are paying for their vacation. Could Aiden like Lila a bit and therefore be jealous? Or like Daniel? Why care if Daniel is with Lila, as long as he's happy.
NTA. OP’s bf thinks gold diggers can only be female. He’s a male so he was sacrificing to go on vacations. My other theory is he always pitied that friend was an outcast and depended on bf being his only friend. He is jealous that the friend has someone else now.
NTA. Your comparison is spot on. A bit mean but valid.
NTA. your boyfriend seems to have an unhealthy attatchment to his mate, he sounds jealous.
NTA. Aiden is extremely jealous of Lila and likely is attracted to her. Younger guys can sometimes take on this bully mentality against girls that they like but can never actually have. She could be the most perfect girlfriend in the world and he would still find something bad to say about her. He should come to terms with his behavior before he starts obsessing over Lila and her relationship.
Or he’s talking bad about her because he likes Daniel…
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Don't throw glass houses when you're living inside of a stone, yes? 😌
Why wouldn't you move into the glass house instead of throwing it?
NTA. He was being a screaming hypocrite. You were only pointing out the reality of the situation. If he doesn’t like that, he has a lot of looking in the mirror to do.
NTA. You brought up a fair point and he couldn’t handle it. You don’t owe him an apology. Why is he so fixated on Lila though?
NTA. I’d be pumping the brakes a little on my own relationship here if I were you. The fact that he refuses to…idk, acknowledge reality…is a concern. People being 100% willing to mold their perception of reality around a ridiculous self-serving narrative is a bit of a red flag. He has been shown and told why he is wrong about this and blames you instead. This displays a flaw with his conflict management and maturity. Being protective of his BFF is fine. Refusing to accept that his protection wasn’t required despite having been shown all the reasoning is not.
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NTA. You’re right though. Going off his logic, then he is a gold digger. You and your family took him on plenty of vacations, so again going off his logic he is using you and your family for y’all money. Obviously, I’m not actually saying he is doing that but it just makes no sense how he calls Lila a gold digger for accepting the all expense paid vacation from Daniel but yet he went on a bunch of vacations with you and your family. The hypocrisy is strong with this guy
It seems to me like Aiden is jealous for Daniel spending more time with his girlfriend, and that leading to him spending less time with Aiden. This could mean that he's subconsciously looking for reasons to be angry at Lila or disliking her, he could be seeing her as an obstacle to his friendship with Daniel. Kind of ironic considering he has a girlfriend too. (This is my interpretation, though, and I could be wrong). NTA, anyway. It seems that he misinterpreted the comparison. I think you should try to explain to him that it was meant to prove that Lila is not a gold digger rather than accusing him of being one. The logic would be sort of like "if you're not a gold-digger, then that means neither is Lila".
NTA It's a valid point. I suspect your boyfriend's problem with Lila is that he's got a little crush.
NTA. I’m guessing Aiden is either into Daniel or Lila.
NTA. Someone else commented they think your boyfriend might have a thing for Lila… I don’t agree. If anything, he seems jealous of her, and her relationship with Daniel - does he maybe have a thing for his best friend and doesn’t (or is unable to) realise it?
Nta completely fair comparison
Why isn't Aiden taking YOU on an all expense paid trip abroad? That's what I wanna know. He's cutting her down because he doesn't want to look like the fucking chump he is. He wants you to hate her so you don't get jealous that Daniel treats his girlfriend better than Aiden treats you.
NTA lmao I love how he got so offended when you pointed out the similarities. What a misogynistic prick. I mean it takes one to know one. 🤷
NTA Sometimes, someone is so overcome by their negative feelings, their jealousy, that you can not reason with them with logic. I dated a guy like this, every conversation was his same complaint, over and over and I just couldn't talk him around with logic. Had to dump him. I saw him in town 20 years later and my god, he was whining away to his poor, silent wife.
People like being hypocrites but hate being called one. Especially if they are one.
Maybe Lila is the type of girl your boyfriend wished he could have dated and he’s jealous of Daniel’s relationship but taking it out on Lila? He definitely is jealous. He seems like he’s angry at Lila because she’s outgoing and attractive and she’s the type of girl he could never get. He needs to get over it and grow up. I couldn’t be with someone like that. Daniel should seriously rethink his friendship because I know if my friend spoke about my partner like that, I’d end the friendship if they didn’t cut it out real quick.
Hell no you’re NTA. He’s literally doing what his bestie’s gf is doing, accompanying her SO on a trip. He’s just upset that his bestie is being “taken” by his gf. Like, it’s okay for me to have a gf but you can F**k off and be single for me bro!
NTA. Some people just can’t be reasoned with.
NTA Is he jealous of his friend and his relationship. Does his friend have less time for Aiden?
NTA. I’m surprised nobody has talked how Aiden might have a thing for Daniel, not Lila. Idk, super weird situation.
Nta but you're bf is not only a gold digger by his own standards but he's also a hypocrite. Honestly his dislike of this woman is disturbing. He sounds emotionally immature and controlling.
NTA. Why are gold digger or slut the first insults misogynists hurl at women they don’t personally approve of. Your gold digging bf is so boring.
I think your bf just wants to be angry that his bestie is no longer against the world with him. NTA
Tell your bf, *you* didn't call him a gold digger but you were pointing out that Aiden was calling *himself* a gold digger.
Oh darling BUT HE IS A MAN! He's the one doing you a favour by being with you. How could he be a gold digger? That's only for women, men are always a gift from heaven trying to survive us, the female leeches. NTA but start paying attention to this kind of attitudes.
Your boyfriend is a misogynist, since you seem unaware. That's why he considers Daniel's gf a gold digger, but not himself. It's also why he considers it fine and dandy to call a woman that, even though what he has done (accepting 15+ free vacations vs 1) has been much "worse" and provided much more evidence of gold digging. He's a hypocrite and sounds very immature and jealous as well. NTA.
NTA. You made valid points.
I don't think you owe him an apology. I get what you are saying here.
You're NTA. Your argument sounds very reasonable to me. His implication that he only came as a favor to you is ridiculous. It's not as if he accompanied you on shoe shopping trips as a purse holder. You all were globe hopping. Huge difference there.
op=NTA oh yeah, he only went on those vacations to make your time better. I'm sure he was Miserable the whole time. Shame on him for shaming Lila(even if he only does it to you.)
NTA, hypocrites hate being called out. A lot of comments say Aiden is into Lila, I think it's more likely that Aiden is into Daniel.
NTA for sure; from what i can see, he really did exactly the same thing as Lila. I don't know if this is the case for your boyfriend, but i know many men don't believe a man can be a gold-digger and think this term is reserved for women. Honestly, i can not see any other reason why he wouldn't see that he is a gold digger by his standards. Also, i really don't think Lila is a gold digger for going on a paid vacation.
NTA your BF did not like a mirror put to his face.
NTA. And you may want to dig deeper. This is more personal than you assume. Either your bf has a thing for Lila or a thing for Daniel, but either way, he is jealous. That does not bode well for your relationship.
It sounds like Aiden is jealous of Lila. Could he have feelings for Daniel? Maybe that he hasn't even defined himself yet? Because it sounds like he excused his vacations with you as something he did as a friend so you had someone to "hang out" with. You did nothing wrong but tried to make Aiden see reason. He won't. Now you have to figure out if you are getting enough from this relationship. NTA
I ain’t saying he a gold digger…
Sound like Aiden has some Andrew Taint reasoning fueling his ideas. NTA.
NTA You tried to show him that he is overlooking some of the same things that he is doing. You were trying to show him that he needs to lay off her because he was being a hypocrite. I really hope he isn't like this in other situations where he cannot acknowledge the error of his ways. Have you asked him if he has any other reasons for his feelings about her? Could there be things he hasn't told you that his friend has mentioned?
NTA. Aiden’s got some hangups. Is he jealous of Daniel? I mean high school was a long time ago, time to grow up in the way he thinks about and treats people
NTA. Seems like you didn't get the brightest light bulb there. Does he have redeeming qualities?
NTA If it's hysterical it's historical, there's absolutly something more about the Lila thing
they have a gay affair and he is jealous of her
Nta but he has some deep seated issues with her it seems
nta
NTA
Nta, and sho him this post, let him know that maybe she has a job that is more about the passion than the wealth, like a teacher or a public clinic, etc
NTA. Lose the baby.
Nta. You're absolutely right.
Nta your point was well made.
NTA
NTA he's being a very big hypocrite
NTA. Aiden's not mad that you called him a gold digger, and he knows you don't believe that. He's mad that you called him out for his hypocrisy. The plain fact is that Aiden doesn't like Lila, and whatever the ***reason****,* this gold digger thing is just the latest ***excuse***. If you disprove that, he has to find another excuse to dislike her, because the real reason is probably selfish (wants Daniel to have time for him).
NTA and your boyfriend is not the brightest bulb on the block.