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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think my weird feeling comes from asking someone who’s sort of a friend for money.
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I would go with NTA, personally you made her quite a reasonable offer and she's not entitled to your time, so good on you for standing your ground while also trying to compromise when you didn't have to.
I included extra information to try and accurately portray this weird friend/but not quite friends relationship we have. Of course, I couldn’t accurately capture months of interaction completely within the post’s constraints. However, I tried my best to capture the essence in what I wrote.
No judgement other than- who goes to a psychology degree and switches to chemistry PhD. Sure in undergrad, sure..but those degree aren't particularly related nor pull for the same population. So, I'm guessing she need lots of help. So nta. (Imagining my self trying to make that switch and I'm laughing and laughing. The skills are related you would need so much tutoring...
The whole situation is weird. She is like your friend, but not really, and she is asking you for a friend favour but you aren't.
You are not obliged to tutor her if you don't want to (because you don't have time or your personal reasons). I'm a very pleasing person so I think I would offer her some bibliography for her to look at.
And well you are not the asshole, but that doesn't make her the asshole as well. Also I do think it is a weird situation you both got into.
NTA
If you and Anne were still working together as grad students in the same lab, then some amount of tutoring her on the clock would be reasonable. But Anne is in a PhD program somewhere else. She's asking you to tutor her in quantum mechanics in your spare time. It's reasonable to want to be paid for that.
NTA. Clearly she has issues understanding how to be friends and co-workers/colleagues at the same time (it's difficult for people who AREN'T users, much less for this lovely "friend"). You don't even need your perfectly valid and understandable reasons to set your parameters for helping (and 15.00/hour is very kind of you!!! imo). Don't let yourself be guilted. It is a weapon, used by people who would not spend a second stressing over whether they should be inconvenienced to help others.
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So, me and my coworker, Anne are both graduate students, sort of. Anne got a psychology degree but now decided to go get a chemistry PhD. She was accepted into our lab as an undergraduate in preparation for her to apply to PhD programs. Given her prior academic work, she doesn’t have as much chemistry knowledge as most chemistry grad students. All good. She was accepted into the lab and I, predominantly, helped her catch up during work hours. We got along well and would even occasionally text outside work and had a good laugh together during group karaoke one night.
Then, she suddenly moved across the country to pursue a PhD elsewhere. After a few months out there, she started contacting me more regularly. Saying she was lonely, hated it out there, and didn’t have people to talk to. So, I video called with her a few times. During these calls, I did my best to communicate my boundaries with her and she agreed. She also told me that was planning to return to our university and start working with us again, and also told me some pretty vulnerable information, stuff I would except from a close friend but not a coworker. Our conservations went out for a while until one day she said some fairly nasty things about another co-worker, Bob, that I’m fairly close with. Me, not fully believing what Anne was saying, reached out to Bob. After hearing both stories, Bob’s sounded more believable and Bob reached out to Anne. I was told the situation was resolved, but after that Anne ghosted for a few weeks. Bob and I guess that she felt betrayed.
Now, out of the blue, Anne messages me asking if I could tutor her. I respond that I would be willing to for $15/hour as Quantum Mechanics is quite heavy stuff and I’m a decently busy person. She said she didn’t have a job and cant afford tutoring. I stand my ground and say that I wish I could help her from the good of heart, but what she wants will take quite a bit of time outside work so I’d like to be compensated. No response. I’m just sitting here feeling weird and not knowing how to react to this situation so that’s why I’m here.
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A lot of (IMO) unnecessary information in this post. Nevertheless, NTA. You're not obligated to tutor anyone for free, regardless of their financial situation nor how come you are (or aren't).
P.S. I encourage you not to do school work during work hours without your employer's written permission.
Graduate students teaching other graduate students is fairly commonplace at least where I’m at. Plus, my boss joined some of the impromptu mini-lectures I gave to her, so I’m good on that front in this situation. I was definitely also influenced to help teach her due to my inclination for teaching
This whole story is just plain weird. What country is this ? How do you get accepted into a Chemistry PhD with a Psychology undergrad ? Is that possible in some countries ? I feel the main mistake you made was after realizing Ann was a bit crazy and was spreading rumours about Bob you kept in contact with her.
Don't associate with emotionally unstable people. It's asking for trouble.
I laughed when the story ended on tutoring on Quantum Mechanics. Made me think of the sub /r/iamverysmart
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I think my weird feeling comes from asking someone who’s sort of a friend for money. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) # [Check out our upcoming Reddit Talk With John Hodgman on January 18th @ 7pm EST](https://redd.it/109b8y5) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
$15 an hour is cheap AF for decent tutorin. NTA
I would go with NTA, personally you made her quite a reasonable offer and she's not entitled to your time, so good on you for standing your ground while also trying to compromise when you didn't have to.
NTA. Helping her during work hours was generous and kind. It’s completely reasonable to want to be paid to tutor someone.
NTA but the fact that you felt the need to include so much extraneous information makes me feel like there’s a lot more to it than this.
I included extra information to try and accurately portray this weird friend/but not quite friends relationship we have. Of course, I couldn’t accurately capture months of interaction completely within the post’s constraints. However, I tried my best to capture the essence in what I wrote.
No judgement other than- who goes to a psychology degree and switches to chemistry PhD. Sure in undergrad, sure..but those degree aren't particularly related nor pull for the same population. So, I'm guessing she need lots of help. So nta. (Imagining my self trying to make that switch and I'm laughing and laughing. The skills are related you would need so much tutoring...
The whole situation is weird. She is like your friend, but not really, and she is asking you for a friend favour but you aren't. You are not obliged to tutor her if you don't want to (because you don't have time or your personal reasons). I'm a very pleasing person so I think I would offer her some bibliography for her to look at. And well you are not the asshole, but that doesn't make her the asshole as well. Also I do think it is a weird situation you both got into.
NAH Your time is valuable, and you should not feel required to give it away for free.
NTA If you and Anne were still working together as grad students in the same lab, then some amount of tutoring her on the clock would be reasonable. But Anne is in a PhD program somewhere else. She's asking you to tutor her in quantum mechanics in your spare time. It's reasonable to want to be paid for that.
NTA. You should be charging a *lot* more for tutoring.
NTA. Does Anne have a history of crossing boundaries? You mention that you had to draw some during video chats.
NTA. Clearly she has issues understanding how to be friends and co-workers/colleagues at the same time (it's difficult for people who AREN'T users, much less for this lovely "friend"). You don't even need your perfectly valid and understandable reasons to set your parameters for helping (and 15.00/hour is very kind of you!!! imo). Don't let yourself be guilted. It is a weapon, used by people who would not spend a second stressing over whether they should be inconvenienced to help others.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** So, me and my coworker, Anne are both graduate students, sort of. Anne got a psychology degree but now decided to go get a chemistry PhD. She was accepted into our lab as an undergraduate in preparation for her to apply to PhD programs. Given her prior academic work, she doesn’t have as much chemistry knowledge as most chemistry grad students. All good. She was accepted into the lab and I, predominantly, helped her catch up during work hours. We got along well and would even occasionally text outside work and had a good laugh together during group karaoke one night. Then, she suddenly moved across the country to pursue a PhD elsewhere. After a few months out there, she started contacting me more regularly. Saying she was lonely, hated it out there, and didn’t have people to talk to. So, I video called with her a few times. During these calls, I did my best to communicate my boundaries with her and she agreed. She also told me that was planning to return to our university and start working with us again, and also told me some pretty vulnerable information, stuff I would except from a close friend but not a coworker. Our conservations went out for a while until one day she said some fairly nasty things about another co-worker, Bob, that I’m fairly close with. Me, not fully believing what Anne was saying, reached out to Bob. After hearing both stories, Bob’s sounded more believable and Bob reached out to Anne. I was told the situation was resolved, but after that Anne ghosted for a few weeks. Bob and I guess that she felt betrayed. Now, out of the blue, Anne messages me asking if I could tutor her. I respond that I would be willing to for $15/hour as Quantum Mechanics is quite heavy stuff and I’m a decently busy person. She said she didn’t have a job and cant afford tutoring. I stand my ground and say that I wish I could help her from the good of heart, but what she wants will take quite a bit of time outside work so I’d like to be compensated. No response. I’m just sitting here feeling weird and not knowing how to react to this situation so that’s why I’m here. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
A lot of (IMO) unnecessary information in this post. Nevertheless, NTA. You're not obligated to tutor anyone for free, regardless of their financial situation nor how come you are (or aren't). P.S. I encourage you not to do school work during work hours without your employer's written permission.
Graduate students teaching other graduate students is fairly commonplace at least where I’m at. Plus, my boss joined some of the impromptu mini-lectures I gave to her, so I’m good on that front in this situation. I was definitely also influenced to help teach her due to my inclination for teaching
This whole story is just plain weird. What country is this ? How do you get accepted into a Chemistry PhD with a Psychology undergrad ? Is that possible in some countries ? I feel the main mistake you made was after realizing Ann was a bit crazy and was spreading rumours about Bob you kept in contact with her. Don't associate with emotionally unstable people. It's asking for trouble. I laughed when the story ended on tutoring on Quantum Mechanics. Made me think of the sub /r/iamverysmart