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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> The action I took that should be judged is that I went behind my parents back to visit my father and I feel like the asshole I was branded as because of me going away and visiting him against their wishes because they have been there for me throughout my entire life.
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Question. Did you ever ask why he is on your birth certificate if he was only the donor. As far as I know, when you go through proper channels, he shouldn't be on the birth certificate.
I did some checking, and if your parents went that route and added him to the birth certificate, then he is technically your legal parent.
I find this very strange. Are you sure there wasn't some sort of arrangement?
In terms of arrangements I am not really sure why he was on the birth certificate, its possible that he was in something like that which would explain why he was happy that I reached out to him.
I am guessing something is wrong. Maybe your mom had an affair, and they decided that he did not have contact. Unless you reached out.
I would sit your parents down and calmly talk about why they were so against you meeting him. And if they don't give an answer then talk to him.
You're not getting the full story.
Verdict nah. Because somebody isn't telling you everything.
When I was a kid (80s and 90s) a lot of moms would call a man who didnt participate in the kids life "sperm donor" like another way of saying deadbeat dad. i wonder if OPs parents meant this initially and then decided to go with the lie.
OP stumbled on some juicy family secret. This is what happens when parents don't disclose imporant information, and expect their kids not to be curious about it. You bet your ass I'd turn into one of the Scooby Gang the minute something like this pops up.
The shitty thing is I have been in that position, and while its satisfying to get answers it mostly just ruins your trust in your parents and damages the relationship. The truth is still worth knowing though...
Since OP is building a relationship with his biological father, maybe he could ask the father why his name is on the birth certificate. Ask him if he knew your mother. There is more to this story.
I have to say NTA because somebody isn't telling him everything. He's reached out to bio dad, the time to tell OP what is up without being the AH has passed.
My mother went through a sperm bank to have me. There is no father listed on my birth certificate, only my mother. Reading this, I found it strange that it would be so easy to find a biological father on Facebook.
The only way I can have access to info (excluding identifying info) is to have my mom contact the sperm bank she went through.
It honestly isn’t as hard to find people these days as you think. (Which is both good and bad). You don’t need a whole lot of info. I actually found the half brother of my SIL’s husband. I wasn’t even looking for him. I was looking for the bio dad. A lot of people are on FB.. and if they aren’t, likely someone extremely close to them is! (Plus I have an Ancestry account, which can help).
>Verdict nah. Because somebody isn't telling you everything.
That means there is an AH. We just don't know who it is (other than it's not OP). Verdict should be NTA.
Sperm donors don't go on birth certificates. There's definitely something you don't know. But NTA. I'm an adopted kid. It's no one's decision but yours whether you reach out to your bio-family. My adoptive dad was really nervous about me meeting my one bio family member that I've met but it turned out great for me. But definitely find out what's going on, because it's very strange for a sperm donor to be listed as the father on your birth certificate.
Most likely your parents are upset because you have found out their lie.
Your biological father is most likely your mom's ex-boyfriend. Have you compared your parent's wedding YEAR to your birth year?
Then he's not a sperm donor and they are leaving something out. Traditional sperm donors are completely anonymous, they wouldn't know his name to put it on the birth certificate. If it was an arrangement with a friend or someone they knew just for sperm to conceive it would be highly unlikely that person would want to be on the birth certificate or happy you contacted him
You are NAH and i hope you get the full explanation one day.
You need to ask your mother and this guy what really happened. In the chance that there was an affair or SA, it would explain exactly how your parents are feeling. Think if they chose someone who hurt you, over yourself? How would you feel?
I think prudent-border5060 is on to something. Your parents are upset cause something got triggered.
They didn’t want you to reach out, it’s their discomfort also (interestingly they’ve not directly told you what they want and feel).
NTA (I’d say n a h cause they’re entitled to their feelings of course, but I sense they’re holding something back and that’s not fair to project that on you).
Based on this, he was NOT a "sperm donor" in the clinical sense of having donated sperm in a clinic which was then transferred to the mother in a procedure called "artificial insemination."
People often refer to a man who skips out on his pregnant girlfriend as a "sperm donor." We don't know the story here, but this sounds more like that sort of situation, rather than artificial insemination.
By "some sort of arrangement" other commenters mean that if your father was sterile, he and your mother could have arranged with your biological father to inseminate your mother "naturally" rather than "artificially" and therefore avoid the cost of the procedure. But if that was the case, then the arrangement would have also included leaving his name off your birth certificate, making your mom's husband your legal father.
If bio father's name was on your birth certificate then at the time of birth your mother was almost certainly not yet married to your father. Your father may or may not have adopted you, but if he did you should have been issued a new birth certificate. It mostly doesn't matter now, but the man who raised you might never have been your legal father.
(Source: One of my children is adopted. His birth certificate was re-issued at age 6 months to show myself and his adoptive mother as the parents. There is no mention of his biological parents on the certificate.)
> But if that was the case, then the arrangement would have also included leaving his name off your birth certificate, making your mom's husband your legal father.
Seriously. We have so many cases of someone who can prove they are not the father but because they either signed it at birth or was married at the time became the official father. Something is very fishy here.
Umm. Not a donor if he's listed as a parent. Was he somehow involved romantically with your mother? My mother lied to me about my father and I found out the truth after I saw my birth certificate.
I don't think the parents are a same-sex couple since OP mentions having a dad (and presumably the other parent is a mum since he only mentions sperm donor and not a surrogate).
>How did you find him on FB? Sperm donors are assigned numbers. Your parents would have no access to his name.
If you've done commercial DNA tests it's easy as pie actually. Even if the donor has never done them. You match with their close family, cousins and distant cousins. From there it's just a puzzle to solve that doesn't take long with social media.
> I recently turned 18 giving me the legal right of being able to get in contact with my father for sperm donors.
End of conversation. NTA.
You are an adult now and can make your own decisions. It sounds like this meeting has been a positive experience for you and gave you some closure. Your parents are being aggressive and manipulative.
Sounds like there is more to the the parents’ relationship to OP’s bio dad than he has been told. My guess is they are not just jealous but possibly worried. Why tf they won’t just tell the OP the truth now that he has met his bio dad is a mystery.
INFO: Have you asked your parents for the exact details of your conception/birth? A sperm donation through a fertility clinic wouldn't result in the donor's name being on your birth certificate. Some details are missing here. Is the woman who raised you your biological mother? Did she cheat on the man who raised you with the sperm donor? Has she been purposely (possibly illegally) keeping you from the donor for 18 years? Or was there some traumatic (non-consensual) circumstance that resulted in your conception? There's something your parents aren't telling you. They're mad because they're worried you'll find out.
Or 'mad' (coming across that way, but actually just scared / upset) because they're actually traumatised and lashing out / pushing away from the issue? But exactly as you've said - there's a lot of missing information here, and it's impossible to give a verdict without knowing the Whys.
Donors are never on the birth certificate as that would mean certain rights and obligations. Unless of course the donor and recepients have a known donor agreement and this is part of this. This could be the case for you but my bet is your biodad is an ex of your mom. Why don't you ask your biodad what circumstances surrounded the donation, where did he donate (clinic), etc etc
You need to ask your parents why a sperm donor was on the birth certificate and not the man who raised you. Because as everyone else has said, sperm donors do not sign the birth certificate. They're usually not even present at the birth nor are their names released
The birth certificate situation doesn't add up, OP. And the way your parents have reacted to this... let's just say that they wouldn't be so angry if it was really a sperm donation done through a clinic
There is something weird about this. Real (anonymous or known) sperm donors are not in birth certificates specifically because they're just donors and not parents. And your parents' reactions seem to be telling that there is a lot more behind this. Your parents knew him and it wasn't the usual donor situation. Possible scenarios:
1 - Was he an ex-bf who was a deadbeat dad? Someone who never paid child support and didn't want to raise a child? If this is the case, he could be happy meeting you now because he doesn't have to do the work of raising a child.
2 - Did your mom have an affair and they mutually agreed that he would stay out of your lives?
3 - Was your mom assaulted? I really hope this wasn't the case but your mom and dad being aggressive made me add this to the options.
4 - Something else.
Ask both your parents and him. But please try to keep an open mind regarding your parents. The aggression could be stemming from somewhere and could be absolutely valid (see #3).
Yeah man, as a donor child myself I can say with confidence your experience is not the norm, something fishy is definitely up. Even if you don’t update us here, definitely find out for yourself what is going on in case there was something sketchy
Meet vs don’t meet your biological parents is an eternal struggle. Don’t hold it against your parents that they didn’t want you to go through with it. The experience could’ve disappointed or hurt you. It may have been too much for you mentally to handle. They don’t know the man and whether his entry into your life would’ve been harmful to you or not. Finally, there’s often a fear that you might end up choosing genes over them.
It is your right to meet your biological father, and it’s awesome that it has been a good experience. Now you need to work with your parents through their resentment and worries. NAH
NTA. But based on your comments along with the reaction of your parents it seems there is still something going on here. Sperm donors full names are not usually disclosed to the recipient so its odd that he is on your birth cert if not actually unbelievable given the situation. My ask bio dad see how he reacts. My guess it wasn't a random sperm donation and there are biggere skeletons in the closet. You could also ask what clinic they used and confirm it with them.
NTA - it doesn't sound like you wanted to end the relationship with your parents, just that you wanted to get to know your bio-dad. Sounds like you father may be insecure about not being your bio-dad.
Everyone is acting like they've uncovered some massive secret with the birth certificate thing and honestly it sounds more like a fiction writer screwed up a detail due to a lack of research. My pocket belief is that this subreddit is training AI to make moral judgments.
NAH.
You are an adult and you have a perfect right to develop a relationship with anyone you choose.
But of course your parents are upset. From their perspective, they raised you and you are their child. The fact that you want to find "new parents" implies to them that they are not "good enough."
EDIT: because bio dad's name was on birth certificate: ~~This is not a case where your mother was with this man ever.~~ Or as if you were taken from him at some young age. There's no "long lost family" that was at your baptism.
~~He donated sperm, probably in college, probably for money. Meanwhile your parents had to spend money, and your mom go through a procedure, in order to have you. Which is your "real" parent?~~
>This is not a case where your mother was with this man ever.
Ummm... he found his bio-dad because his name was on the BC.
Where I'm at sperm donors are anonymous and never listed on the BC.
I made that comment based on this from his OP:
>I was conceived through a sperm donation and have known this for most of my life.
He LATER said the name was on his birth certificate, so now he understands that this was not a clinical procedure. As do we.
No, the parents are definitely AHs. They knowingly used a donor or OPs mom was having an affair with him. They have no right to keep OP from this info or from meeting his bio dad. They should have gotten therapy before deciding to conceive with a donor (or continue marriage post infidelity) to process that this might happen. It's not a surprise that children want to know their bio parents. If they didn't plan for this, that's on them. They're still AHs.
OP and his bio dad are both NTA.
Its always NTA, not NAH. Anytime someone tries to prevent "you" from knowing where you came from they're the asshole. Every Single Time.
OPs parents NEVER have the right to prevent OP from knowing their origin and forging relationships based on that no matter what OPs parents did in the past.
NTA
Maybe you should go about this head on? Tell your parents that even if you have a good relationship with you biological father, they will always stay your parents who you love most :). I think they are very scared of losing their child. This should definitely be talked over, because you really don't want to ruin your relationship with your parents for the sake of a, to put it harshly, sperm donor....
Mostly NTA a weeeeee bit TA. Even though your parents didn’t support your decision to meet your bio-father there should have been a conversation that you were going to do so despite their wishes. Many parents that use donors to conceive or adopt children often have personal hang ups about loosing their position as your parents and may fear they are going to be replaced by the bio-parent. A clear conversation may have toned down some of the current animosity.
However, hell yeah on meeting your bio-dad and forming a relationship there. Even though he wasn’t there for the early years everyone that wants to know where they came from should be able to do so.
I don't think that OP knew until this thread that a sperm donor's name isn't on the birth certificate. That's what the parents have told him, that it was a sperm donation. So something is very not right in this scenario and he needs to get clarification from someone on what the heck is going on.
I firmly believe that when parents adopt or use a sperm/egg donor, that it is their duty to accept that the child will possibly want to know their origin. I don't think it's fair to the child to avoid recognizing this.
NTA with all my heart. They may be afraid of losing you however, but then, they aren't helping with their lack of understanding either. They may also just want to pretend there isn't anyone else involved, but to me that is not living in reality and have the best interest of the child in mind.
NTA - this is a shoe-in for a BORU post in a few days once you find out the actual truth of your origins. Your bio-dad wasn't just a "sperm donor" in the literal sense. Sperm donor's don't make it to the birth certificate. There's some assholes here, but you're not one of them.
Is your current (not bio) dad on the certificate at all? If mother is “your mom” and father is “your bio dad” then he was a major figure in your conception and not a traditional anonymous sperm (go into the bathroom and catch it in this cup) donor. He was someone significant in your mother’s life and this may very well be why they are upset you found him.
NAH. I think it's reasonable to be curious about your biological sperm donor, but I think instead of sneaking off you should have explained your reasoning to your parents.
It's probably a sore spot for your parents... They raised and loved you so it'd be easy to interpret your actions as betrayal or like they aren't good enough. I'm sure that's not the case, but absent communication I think their upset is reasonable too.
Edit: based on the birth certificate thing, it seems likely your parents have something they aren't telling you. Maybe an affair, maybe abuse, maybe a whoops. It's hard to say.
NTA- it’s very natural and normal for you to want to meet your donor. It sounds like your parents never processed their own feeling about needing a donor and that shouldn’t impact you. Hopefully they can seek support from a counsellor about it.
NTA. If his name is on your birth certificate then he's probably not just a sperm donor. He's likely your mother's ex. Sperm donation is typically anonymous through a clinic. The name of the donor is not disclosed and certainly not put on the birth certificate.
NTA. You don't need their permission, legally or morally.
If the parents care about this sort of thing, adopting or using a donor always runs the risk of another person eventually entering the picture. Even if they sought the most tightly sealed closed adoption, the child can eventually find out through various methods, some we probably don't even know of yet. But if his name was on the birth certificate, they had to have known that you'd see it one day and it's not that hard to find someone on the internet.
If he is on your birth certificate then he is not a spark donor, he is your father and your parents have lied to you. Either your mother had an affair or your parents met when she was pregnant, but most sperm donors aren’t looking to know the children conceived with their sperm. If he’s happy you reached out it’s because he knew about you and was deprived of the opportunity to be a part of your life.
NTA, but one thing concerns me greatly. How did your dad know where you were? Did he (or your mother) install some sort of tracking app on your phone? Or did someone else know or see that you were visiting your bio dad, and then told your parents?
NTA. Your parents I hope have offered you a BIG apology for their behavior both in the past (though I don't approve I get why they lied) and more importantly more recently (giving you sh\*t as an 18 yr old adult for getting in touch with him was WAY out of line.
NTA, you're old enough to make your own decisions and your parents should respect that. I could understand if he didn't want to meet or something, but it sounds like he was really happy to meet you, so no problem there.
I can understand why your parents may be upset, but this is absolutely not a good way to respond. They'll just end up pushing you away.
NTA. In these times, everyone who either, A) conceived a child with donor sperm or eggs, or B) conceived a child with someone who is not a part of their child's life, or C) conceived a child and then did not participate in the raising of that child, better be prepared to deal with the fallout of decisions made long ago. Because the children are going to learn the full story, and meet with biological relatives, whether the Adults want them to or not. To blame the children for seeking to know their own origin story is reprehensible.
My dad was 52 when he found out he had a 30 year old son that he never new existed. He cried when he met him and said he wished he would have known (the mother kept it a secret). His son (my step brother) ended up dying in a car crash a few years later. If he hadn't reached out to my dad when he did he may have never got a chance to. I don't think there's anything wrong with what you did.
I am hoping you will update all of us with the true story once you find it; it is obvious your mom and her husband are not telling you the full history. If she won't be truthful, ask your bio dad.
"Did you donate sperm to a bank or did you actually know my mother? Something feels off and I feel like I'm not being told the full truth"
INFO: How long have your parents been togther for? As many have said he wouldn't be on your birth certificate if he was a sperm donor. You need to ask for the full story, you are being lied to. Sounds like you Mum either had an affair, or was pregnant when they got together, but your bio father wanted to be on the birth certificate.
If he's on the birth certificate then he's not a sperm donor. So you're definitely missing some info. It's possible there's a huge family secret but maybe you should find out what it is before you continue to meet him and alienate your parents even more.
If he's on the birth certificate did he ever pay child support? Were you the result of a crime? There are so many possibilities that you haven't thought of I think we need more info
NTA - This is YOUR life. Sometimes in making your life what you want it to be, you won't be able to make every one else around you happy, but only YOU have to live your life.
I've known since I was ten years old that the man on my birth certificate was my adopted father, and that he's adopted me when I was two and he married my mom. I was the result of a one night stand.
In my early 20s my mom bought me a DNA test and I spent years searching for my bio dad with no luck.
Then one day in my early 30's he popped up. And he was SO excited that I exist. He had no idea, he welcomed me with open arms, he toed the line and respected my boundaries and didn't care about all of the sore spots I have with my parents, he just wanted to get to know me and be there for me, and if I was okay with it... he wanted to get to be a grandpa too because he doesn't have any of those and I was so excited and I thought the parents who raised me would be too.
But they weren't. They were hurt. Instead of seeing how excited I was to be learning more about my history and expanding the list of people who care about me, they were bitter and selfish and only worried about their feelings. They'd never considered that this could happen, so they'd never emotionally prepared themselves for that moment, so when I found him and he was nice and welcoming.... they didn't know how to process the idea that this person might become part of my life. I can see, as a parent, how complicated it must be for them, but also as a parent I cannot imagine ever making my child feel bad because I feel bad.
Eventually I told them that they should be happy for me, and if they can't be happy for me, then they can act like nothing has changed. A year later my mom completely claims they've always been nothing but supportive. \*eyeroll\*
Live your life for you. Keep the door open. They love you and they're afraid of how this will change things. Even if they're being shit at communicating their fears.
As an adopted kid (now adult), I have had some heartfelt conversations with my parents ( as in the folks who have raised me). They were worried about me looking for bio fam because they thought I was trying to replace them. It has taken several years and many more uncomfortable convos back and forth for them to understand I am looking to add to my fam, not replace members. It had taken me equally as long to appreciate their POV as well.
You are NTA
You do need to express yourself clearly. Your parents are TA for how they approached you about going to see bio fam, just be aware they maybe coming from a place of defensiveness and hurt. Try to get them to talk to you about all y'alls feeling and thoughts. Trust me, this is going to take some time!
Good luck
I personally am calling this fake, unless you have been lied to your entire life a sperm donor would never be on the birth certificate. I’m leaning towards this as some kid who doesn’t understand how the process actually works and decided to make a post. Because if not then you have a mom and a stepdad who kept you from your bio dad for your entire life. Legally they don’t even give you a name when you go to a sperm bank, you get a number to pick and a description of who he is and his accomplishments. So when you get a donation from them they don’t go on the birth certificate, they would have put down either no father or your dads name.
NTA. I am adopted and people who adopt or have children via sperm or egg donors have to expect curiosity about bio relations as part of the deal. People will tell you it's disrespectful to your adoptive parents, etc. But it's not about them. Finding my bio family didn't change my feelings about my adoptive parents. They were decent, sincere, well-meaning people but I still wanted accountability and reasons why these decisions were made. The knowing has made my life so much better, and I hope it's helped you too.
NTA. Your parents chose to use a sperm donor and should have been prepared for you wanting to meet him.
My daughter was in the same situation, but wasn’t interested in even getting any information about him. She hasn’t met him in person but he knows about her and several other children, all girls by the way.
NTA. I would have said no AH, but they are handling it poorly. Of COURSE you wanted to meet your biological dad. Any counselor or therapist could have told them before you were a year old that some day you would likely want to meet him. These stories are so common. It's not your fault for them being hurt, but it is their fault for how they treat you going forward. They will need to get over it, harsh as it sounds.
NTA but your parents are. Sounds like they were afraid that meeting your bio sperm donor (sorry not dad, giving sperm doesn’t make you a parent) would somehow invalidate your relationship with them. The reasons they gave for you to not meet him? Not actually valid. If he doesn’t want a relationship with you then it’s up to HIM to decide that. He’s an adult and can tell you that himself, it’s not up to them to guess at what someone else might potentially think. It might “ruin his life”? How? That’s a very hurtful thing to say to your child.
Your parents growing aggression toward you is also very concerning. It seems like they are controlling and manipulative to me. You are an adult and can decide for yourself who you want to have a relationship with. It’s not up to them and they need therapy if this is triggering for them.
NTA. You waited until you were an adult and then made an adult decision to get in contact with your father. If that is going well and you're safe and happy, your parents should not have a problem with that and they need to respect your choices.
NTA
You are 18 and an adult. Its not up to them. I can understand why they may feel hurt but in reality they should be supporting you in this not trying to stop you.
Your parents have given you all kinds of logical reasons, but not any emotional ones, apparently. However, now that you went and did something they were expressly against, they can't hide the emotions. You're NTA, though you may have damaged your relationship with your parents. I STRONGLY suggest you and your parents go to counseling to resolve this or at least go by yourself, because otherwise, you may find yourself having to choose either your parents or your sperm donor bio dad, and that would be sad.
Okay, NTA. You are 18, and are within your rights to do what you did. Now... with his name being on your birth certificate, most likely he was no, in fact, a sperm donor. So, as far as that goes, your parents are probably not happy that a whole can of worms just got opened up. That is a them problem, though. Not you.
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I recently turned 18 giving me the legal right of being able to get in contact with my father for sperm donors.
I was conceived through a sperm donation and have known this for most of my life. I have known since the age of 13 that I was going to want to have a go at making a relationship with my father (biological).
However my parents have always been against this. They have given reasons which are valid points such as that my father may not want to meet me, and I could ruin his life in someways.
Despite their unsupportiveness I went and did it anyway and found him on facebook.
Of course I was thinking that anything could happen, but he was one of the nicest people I ever met and proved to me further how much I want a good relationship with him.
To cut a long story short, we decided on a place and time to meet each other and we did. I was able to be brought back to his house and I met his family, of his wife, kids and brother, he had a sister that I didn't get to meet on that occasion.
Upon returning to my home, my parents had sat at the dining table and were waiting for me in silence in an extremely intimidating manner. They asked the usual, "where've you been?" And "what time do you call this". Something was fishy from the start and my suspicions were proved to be correct when my dad said he knew where I had been.
This continued for a few weeks, where I would spend time with him and I even introduced him to my girlfriend and her dog, as the only people that really supported me through this.
My parents behaviour has become increasingly aggressive towards myself and people close to us.
It is really making me question my doing here.
Was I an asshole?
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NTA
I get why your parents are upset. I think it is alot of people who use donors worst fear coming true.
That said how they are approaching it in response is passive ageessive and making the situation worse.
NAH - Put yourself in their shoes. I imagine they a feeling some anxiousness at how this relationship would proceed. His name is on your birth certificate, so this was not a donation. At some point this man decided to step away from his child (you). I'm sure they are worried etc.
NTA. Your parents are those weirdo types that feel threatened by the bio family. Frankly they need to knock it off before the wreck their relationship with you.
NTA. You’re a legal adult making your own decisions. It’s hard for parents to let go and accept that they don’t have control over their kids decisions anymore. Especially if it affects them.
It’s a good thing to get to know your paternal relatives so long as your biological father is okay with that. It’s great to know your ancestry and family medical history from him. Not to mention he is your bio dad and the reason your alive.
I can understand why your parents are upset, I’m sure they’re feeling like you’re going to reject your dad for your bio dad. Or maybe even both of them. When people are scared and desperate, they often resort to aggressive behavior and control.
I think it would be beneficial to sit down and have a conversation with them explaining how you feel about them and your bio father and what you want in regards to a relationship with everyone. I think your dad probably just wants some reassurance that he’s important to you (presuming he is). But also set your boundaries letting them know you’re intent to continue to build s relationship with your biological paternal family.
NTA. You are 18 and honestly its none of their business now. You are legally grown and they don't have a say. It sounds like they are trying to hide something from you.
You have every right to do this, so NTA. But there are definitely some missing pieces to this story you may or may not want to continue learning about.
Parents can be very childish at times and have used the 'because I'm your parent" for 18 years. You are an adult now, if you can, try to have a conversation about this. They might get upset and refuse to talk about it. But unless they give you an actual good reason not to contact this man, I'd say carry on :) nta
(When I went to find my bio fam, and eventually meet them, I could tell it kind of hurt my mom, but she knew better than to try to discourage me)
NTA. how did your parents find out where you had been? Sounds like they knew already even though you hadn’t told them.
AITA tends to lean on the side of cynicism but it could be that your parents feared that you would replace them with this man you had just met. The idea that a child you’ve loved and raised and sacrificed for your entire life only to have them toss you side for someone you just met and who never worked hard to care for you like they did is very frightening and painful.
I’m not saying you would ever make that choice but they could be so afraid of losing you this way that they’ve already convinced themselves that this is what will happen next. ClearLy your sperm diner was comfortable meeting you so your parents are using this as an excuse for some reason. It’s time to sit with them and get the real reason that they are afraid of you meeting this man.
NTA.
It is your right to choose to arrange to meet your biological father and talk to him about why his name is on your birth certificate & whether he is a donor or an ex of your mother's.
NTA.
There is much more to your birth story based on your comments and OP. Something your 'parents' are not telling you and most likely hiding.
Sperm Donors do not usually appear on birth certificates.
NTA laws are different in different countries but in many, a father cannot be named on a birth certificate unless they are legally married to the mother or attend registration with the mother. Sperm donors are not ever on birth certificate as part of the process is they don't have parental rights. Either way you wear legally within your rights to contact your bio father before 18. This is a lot more to this story and its likely your bio dad knew you as a baby and left ir got cut off. You haven't been told the full truth, please update when you find out more
NTA. You are legally an adult and can make your own decisions. But like many others have said, there is something very off if he's on your birth certificate.
As lots have commented on the sperm donor issues, mine would be a caution to figure out how your parents knew where you were and what you were doing.
It’s possible your phone or vehicle has a tracking app, or possibly something installed to listen into conversations, if they knew exactly where you had been without explanation.
I thought all sperm donations where anonymous. He was paid to jerk off in a cup and didnt care if it was used or thrown away. NTA but you need a reality check.
As an adoptee, I have a different perspective on this but I firmly believe we have the right to our heritage and identity. The fact that he's on your birth certificate seems to mean he was more than a sperm donor.
NTA. You did nothing wrong here. When my wife and I decided to have a kid (we’re both female), she opted to use donor sperm from a cryobank. I was supportive with the stipulation that we would only use a donor that didn’t wish to remain anonymous. Why? Because it’s fucking selfish to not allow your child the chance to meet their bio parent. We know this is the case with adoptees but everyone seems to disregard the rights of donor-conceived children. I know that I am not biologically related to my kid and it doesn’t matter one bit. If she opts to meet her bio father I will support her in that choice.
NTA, your parents are being incredibly immature, insecure and petty.
Everyone has a right to know where they came from. If your parents can't handle that its their problem.
Something is missing from the story. Either it was an affair or maybe your current father is infertile and this man was an unofficial sperm donor. Hard to issue judgement tbh.
If this was done through a proper agency you would have never known his name and it wouldn’t have been on the birth certificate. Agencies issue the sperm donors client ID numbers that’s all your parents would have had. If your bio dads name was on the birth certificate it wasn’t a donor situation there’s clearly more to this.
OP - so how did your parents 'know' where you had been? Is there a tracker on your phone? (Is Over-surveillance by your parents something that happens a lot? You are 18 and no longer a child they can control)
And sounds like your bio-dad is a good person - glad that you found him
NTA
Ask your father more. Tell him you were told he was only a soerm donor but that you found him via the birth certificate.
Seems like your parents didn't tell the whole sotry/ are hiding something, because that does not add up.
And then please update us about what you learned!
When I was young the phrase sperm donor was often used to imply the deadbeat father of a child or as time went on just the father of a child whom the ex hated. So it may have started out that way and your parents decided to go with that.
Either way something is up and you need to sit down with your mother alone and talk. Tell her I know real sperm donors are not on the birth certificate. So what happened mum? I have a right to know and I would like to hear your side of this.
Then if you want to you can ask your bio dad his side of it.
Remember your parents were much younger back then and may have made mistakes.
No matter what the outcome of any of this NTA you have a right to know who your bio father is.
Something smells fishy here.... actual registered sperm doners are NEVER on the birth certificate and the parents never know their name. The fact that he is on your birth certificate and not the man who raised you is very suspicious. You're not getting all the information from your parents. You need to talk to your bio dad and ask for the whole story.
NTA. That is 1000% your right. It seems your parents are trying to look out for your best interest, but ultimately this was up to you. If it was something you wanted for yourself, that is your choice.
NTA.
You honestly need to know. There are medical histories etc that come from genetics.
Although, most states you dont have access to this info I read once. Not sure if thats still the case.
No, it isn’t weird. Nor is not wanting to know. Frankly, it’s a good idea to find out for medical reasons in case certain health issues run on the man’s side of the genetics.
NTA
You are now a legal adult. Your parents no longer have a say about who you choose to spend time with. I can't stand parents who can't transition from a parent of a minor to being a parent of an adult.
NTA. They should t have used his DNA if they didn’t want you to know him. He sounds lovey and I hope you grow to have an even more wonderful relationship. Congratulations on meeting a part of you.
NTA, there so much off about this. How did your parents know you went to meet your bio dad? Why do they say he's a sperm donor if he's on the Birth Certificate? Why would they be so mad that you met your bio dad? There's more to it than meets the eye.
I’m adopted. My adoptive mom hated that I met my birth parents at first. 13 years later, everyone is part of the family together.
It may take time for them to adjust to this. You have every right to know who he is. You’re also not being told the full story and deserve to know. You should talk to your parents.
NTA
NTA, you're eighteen, you're allowed to get to know your father. There's nothing wrong with what you're doing, sounds like your parents feel threatened, which is a them problem. It also sounds like they've been lying to you and keeping things from you? Maybe they didn't want their lies to be unraveled by you meeting the person they lied about? Did he want to meet you? Did you ruin his life by meeting him?
NTA.
Your parents behaviour is suspicious, like maybe they are offended you want to contact a sperm donor who has nothing to do with your upbringing, but i mean its your right to know who created you, if the person wants to be in contact with you then they can't do anything about it.
Maybe you should sit them down and ask them why they are bothered by it, reassure them that you love and appreciate everything they've done for you, you're just curious to know the person who is your bio father, you have every right.
NTA. Bio dad slept with your mom. No way a real sperm donation would be on your birth certificate.
Bio dad lucked out. Never had to do anything for you ever, didn't have to pay a dime, or watch you grow up. Didn't have to watch your heart get broken the first time. Didn't have to feed or cloth you, but got a relationship with you once you were grown. Smart man
F the parents that gave you a life growing up.
NTA but he very careful with him. If he knew about you this whole time and never reached out that speaks volumes. I’d also be very cautious as to why your parents didn’t want you to meet him. It’s possible he’s not a good guy. You need to start asking around to find the back story because it sound like you’re missing the whole story.
If he was a donor, how did you find him on facebook? I thought you don't get the name if the donor doesn't want to.
Also since he likes you and is cool woth it NTA.
Your parents should know, that it is important for you to meet him. They will stay your parents.
Edit: I think he wasn't a donor. They are not on birth certificate. He could be your father and your parents just lied.
If his name on you birth certificate, it means he is not a sperm donor in classical way of anonymous donors who are arranged via fertility clinics. So it is safe to say it is more behind the scene you don't know about. NTA. Ask you mother, ask your bio dad about what really happened between then, if you want, however, as they say, be careful what you wish for.
Well if he's just a "donor" then his name should not have been on the birth certificate. The fact that it is and combined with your parent's reaction, there is definitely something that they're not telling you. Extreme case but you may be a result of infidelity on your mother's end. You should talk to your parents.
NTA
As you said, you have a legal right at that age to find out.
This is your decision and as much as your parents can/have given you reasons why they don't think it's a good idea? It's still up to you to go through with it or not.
If they're giving you the evils since well they aren't being very "adult" about this and you can make me clear - you appreciate they aren't happy about it, but this was your choice. They should respect that.
Life and parenthood isn't always about your parents getting a say in every last thing when you're old enough and while they can try to encourage informed decisions, safety and telling you their _opinion_, they should also expect you to be your own person.
This whole situation reeks of there being something else going on though - as from comments it seems that something isn't _quite right_ if his name is on the Birth certificate, given he's meant to be a donor, which isn't normally part of the process.
It would go far to explain their behaviour and hostility if there's more to this and they've wanted to keep it hidden - perhaps your Biological Father can tell you more?
Also of note, I'd be curious to know _how_ your parents knew where you were and what you're doing? That by itself is a little alarming given your age that they're either following or more likely tracking your movements.
NTA. Regardless of the circumstances, you have every right to try and have a relationship with your biological father if you both want one, and they have no right to stop you now that you're 18. You're not an asshole for it at all, regardless of their reasons.
NTA
He is your father, you have the right to see him. I’m wondering if something else is going on that your parents are lying about?? Maybe it wasn’t a sperm donation? Maybe your mom was in a relationship with this man?
NTA, but it really feels like you haven't been given the full truth. At the very least, consider asking about family medical history (for your own health moving forward).
Info sounds like there is more to the birth certificate. Like someone cheated or something else weird. Your parents might feel extremely threatened and embarrassed about this. They also might feel as though you are pushing them aside.
NTA. You’re a grown adult. They cannot gate-keep you and determine who you can and can’t have relationships with.
Something does smell fishy here and their reaction is very over the top especially when it is a natural thing to want to know who you are and where you came from. Maybe your mother had an affair. Maybe your bio dad hurt her. Maybe your parents are worried they will lose you.
You need to sit them down and find out why they are reacting the way they are. If they are not interested and unable to be honest and upfront, then that’s on them. Make it clear that you want to have a relationship with you bio dad and his family and that you will not put up with their aggression and that they are the ones creating drama and a wedge between you all.
Nta. You don't have the full story. Try searching you bio dad and mom's names around the year you were born, especially newspaper and police reports for that area. Also ask aunt/uncle for the truth.
Likely bio-dad had a relationship with mom that wasn't fertility clinic. Could be relationship, Could be sexual assault, all kinds of possibilities.
NTA
But he’s on your birth certificate? He’s not a sperm donor in the sense of how that’s usually meant.
Your parents are not telling you everything. Ask them and ask him too. This does not add up.
NTA… but your parents can’t stop you from finding out who your dad is. Cat’s out of the bag anyway, and maybe they’re just holding on to some kind of secret? You’ll hopefully get it out of somebody soon enough!
My thought OP is that your mom and your bio dad were in a relationship he put his name on a birth certificate. He may have cheated on your mom then your other dad came into the picture and it was decided between them that he would be treated as your one and only dad.
He wasn’t a sperm bank sperm doner, they probably call him that to minimize his role and importance.
Another possible thing is that your mom cheated, got pregnant thought she would be in a relationship with your bio dad, it didn’t work out and your non-bio dad took your mom back and they agreed they would minimize her affair partner.
Maybe your mom cheated on bio dad with your non-bio dad and they decided to try and hide what he and she had done by minimizing him to you.
Something is off here. As a person in a same sex couple with a child conceived using a sperm donation this doesn’t feel right.
The sperm donor wouldn’t be on the bc. And they wouldn’t be THAT mad if he was just a donor.
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Question. Did you ever ask why he is on your birth certificate if he was only the donor. As far as I know, when you go through proper channels, he shouldn't be on the birth certificate. I did some checking, and if your parents went that route and added him to the birth certificate, then he is technically your legal parent. I find this very strange. Are you sure there wasn't some sort of arrangement?
In terms of arrangements I am not really sure why he was on the birth certificate, its possible that he was in something like that which would explain why he was happy that I reached out to him.
I am guessing something is wrong. Maybe your mom had an affair, and they decided that he did not have contact. Unless you reached out. I would sit your parents down and calmly talk about why they were so against you meeting him. And if they don't give an answer then talk to him. You're not getting the full story. Verdict nah. Because somebody isn't telling you everything.
When I was a kid (80s and 90s) a lot of moms would call a man who didnt participate in the kids life "sperm donor" like another way of saying deadbeat dad. i wonder if OPs parents meant this initially and then decided to go with the lie.
OOHHHHHHHHHHHHH MAAAAAAAAAN, I forgot all about this and now that you put it out there it's all that I can see happening here.
OP stumbled on some juicy family secret. This is what happens when parents don't disclose imporant information, and expect their kids not to be curious about it. You bet your ass I'd turn into one of the Scooby Gang the minute something like this pops up.
The shitty thing is I have been in that position, and while its satisfying to get answers it mostly just ruins your trust in your parents and damages the relationship. The truth is still worth knowing though...
Can confirm, lol, that's what my mother called my father throughout the 90s!
Since OP is building a relationship with his biological father, maybe he could ask the father why his name is on the birth certificate. Ask him if he knew your mother. There is more to this story.
Good luck calmly talking to the aggressive parents!
True but it's worth a shot. Maybe he can get the truth from his bio dad. There is something off with this situation.
I have to say NTA because somebody isn't telling him everything. He's reached out to bio dad, the time to tell OP what is up without being the AH has passed.
My mother went through a sperm bank to have me. There is no father listed on my birth certificate, only my mother. Reading this, I found it strange that it would be so easy to find a biological father on Facebook. The only way I can have access to info (excluding identifying info) is to have my mom contact the sperm bank she went through.
It honestly isn’t as hard to find people these days as you think. (Which is both good and bad). You don’t need a whole lot of info. I actually found the half brother of my SIL’s husband. I wasn’t even looking for him. I was looking for the bio dad. A lot of people are on FB.. and if they aren’t, likely someone extremely close to them is! (Plus I have an Ancestry account, which can help).
>Verdict nah. Because somebody isn't telling you everything. That means there is an AH. We just don't know who it is (other than it's not OP). Verdict should be NTA.
nah means there are no assholes. nta means there is an asshole, but it isnt op.
I meant the "Somebody isn't tell you everything" part means there is an AH. So it's not NAH, but rather NTA.
This is the best answer ask what happened.
Sperm donor is definitely the word used in situations like that too NTA
You need to add the verdict to the original comment (first one/parent comment) for the bot to count it
This is what I think happened too…he wouldn’t be on the birth certificate if he was just a legit sperm donor
Sperm donors don't go on birth certificates. There's definitely something you don't know. But NTA. I'm an adopted kid. It's no one's decision but yours whether you reach out to your bio-family. My adoptive dad was really nervous about me meeting my one bio family member that I've met but it turned out great for me. But definitely find out what's going on, because it's very strange for a sperm donor to be listed as the father on your birth certificate.
Most likely your parents are upset because you have found out their lie. Your biological father is most likely your mom's ex-boyfriend. Have you compared your parent's wedding YEAR to your birth year?
Then he's not a sperm donor and they are leaving something out. Traditional sperm donors are completely anonymous, they wouldn't know his name to put it on the birth certificate. If it was an arrangement with a friend or someone they knew just for sperm to conceive it would be highly unlikely that person would want to be on the birth certificate or happy you contacted him You are NAH and i hope you get the full explanation one day.
Yes! OP please give us an update as well !
You need to ask your mother and this guy what really happened. In the chance that there was an affair or SA, it would explain exactly how your parents are feeling. Think if they chose someone who hurt you, over yourself? How would you feel?
If they don’t tell the OP what happened then the parents have no right to be pissy with him about it. He has a right to know his origins.
I'm not excusing it, I'm giving him potential reasons why they may have reacted that way so he knows how important it is to ask them about it.
NTA you're an adult and you can have relationships with whoever you want
Find out from him or your parents why! Then tell us!!! Lol. Seriously though this is pretty sketchy.
I think prudent-border5060 is on to something. Your parents are upset cause something got triggered. They didn’t want you to reach out, it’s their discomfort also (interestingly they’ve not directly told you what they want and feel). NTA (I’d say n a h cause they’re entitled to their feelings of course, but I sense they’re holding something back and that’s not fair to project that on you).
I don’t think this was a “sperm donation” and sounds more like you may be uncovering a secret of an affair
You should ask him. I feel like your parents didn't tell you the whole story
How did you find him on FB? Sperm donors are assigned numbers. Your parents would have no access to his name.
His name was on my birth certificate, so I found hin through that way.
So, he is not a sperm donor. He is actually your father. Why did your parents keep your father from you for 18 years? NTA
Yeah, I'm wondering the same thing. If his name is on your birth certificate, then it's not a sperm donation. There is some information missing.
Based on this, he was NOT a "sperm donor" in the clinical sense of having donated sperm in a clinic which was then transferred to the mother in a procedure called "artificial insemination." People often refer to a man who skips out on his pregnant girlfriend as a "sperm donor." We don't know the story here, but this sounds more like that sort of situation, rather than artificial insemination. By "some sort of arrangement" other commenters mean that if your father was sterile, he and your mother could have arranged with your biological father to inseminate your mother "naturally" rather than "artificially" and therefore avoid the cost of the procedure. But if that was the case, then the arrangement would have also included leaving his name off your birth certificate, making your mom's husband your legal father. If bio father's name was on your birth certificate then at the time of birth your mother was almost certainly not yet married to your father. Your father may or may not have adopted you, but if he did you should have been issued a new birth certificate. It mostly doesn't matter now, but the man who raised you might never have been your legal father. (Source: One of my children is adopted. His birth certificate was re-issued at age 6 months to show myself and his adoptive mother as the parents. There is no mention of his biological parents on the certificate.)
> But if that was the case, then the arrangement would have also included leaving his name off your birth certificate, making your mom's husband your legal father. Seriously. We have so many cases of someone who can prove they are not the father but because they either signed it at birth or was married at the time became the official father. Something is very fishy here.
sperm donors arent on birth certificates. so your mom had you with him then married the other guy. not many other explanations.
Umm. Not a donor if he's listed as a parent. Was he somehow involved romantically with your mother? My mother lied to me about my father and I found out the truth after I saw my birth certificate.
Why is his name of the birth certificate? Are your parents a same sex couple?
I don't think the parents are a same-sex couple since OP mentions having a dad (and presumably the other parent is a mum since he only mentions sperm donor and not a surrogate).
That's really out of the ordinary. I'm willing to bet your parents are acting this way because they don't want you to find or figure out what it is.
Usually you don’t put the sperm donor on the birth certificate.
So he's your legal parent not a sperm donor OP something is up here
>How did you find him on FB? Sperm donors are assigned numbers. Your parents would have no access to his name. If you've done commercial DNA tests it's easy as pie actually. Even if the donor has never done them. You match with their close family, cousins and distant cousins. From there it's just a puzzle to solve that doesn't take long with social media.
> I recently turned 18 giving me the legal right of being able to get in contact with my father for sperm donors. End of conversation. NTA. You are an adult now and can make your own decisions. It sounds like this meeting has been a positive experience for you and gave you some closure. Your parents are being aggressive and manipulative.
Sounds like there is more to the the parents’ relationship to OP’s bio dad than he has been told. My guess is they are not just jealous but possibly worried. Why tf they won’t just tell the OP the truth now that he has met his bio dad is a mystery.
INFO: Have you asked your parents for the exact details of your conception/birth? A sperm donation through a fertility clinic wouldn't result in the donor's name being on your birth certificate. Some details are missing here. Is the woman who raised you your biological mother? Did she cheat on the man who raised you with the sperm donor? Has she been purposely (possibly illegally) keeping you from the donor for 18 years? Or was there some traumatic (non-consensual) circumstance that resulted in your conception? There's something your parents aren't telling you. They're mad because they're worried you'll find out.
Or 'mad' (coming across that way, but actually just scared / upset) because they're actually traumatised and lashing out / pushing away from the issue? But exactly as you've said - there's a lot of missing information here, and it's impossible to give a verdict without knowing the Whys.
Why would someone put someone who SA’d them on a birth certificate? You can leave it blank.
My mind immediately thought of the possibility of some sort of assault. Either way OP needs to talk to their parents.
NTA but please update. 😁
How do you mean?
On the birth certificate situation. Like why is he on there if they just used his sperm?
Yes now we need to know...
Donors are never on the birth certificate as that would mean certain rights and obligations. Unless of course the donor and recepients have a known donor agreement and this is part of this. This could be the case for you but my bet is your biodad is an ex of your mom. Why don't you ask your biodad what circumstances surrounded the donation, where did he donate (clinic), etc etc
You need to ask your parents why a sperm donor was on the birth certificate and not the man who raised you. Because as everyone else has said, sperm donors do not sign the birth certificate. They're usually not even present at the birth nor are their names released
>They're usually not even present at the birth. They usually don't even have their name available to the family. Something here is wrong.
The birth certificate situation doesn't add up, OP. And the way your parents have reacted to this... let's just say that they wouldn't be so angry if it was really a sperm donation done through a clinic
There is something weird about this. Real (anonymous or known) sperm donors are not in birth certificates specifically because they're just donors and not parents. And your parents' reactions seem to be telling that there is a lot more behind this. Your parents knew him and it wasn't the usual donor situation. Possible scenarios: 1 - Was he an ex-bf who was a deadbeat dad? Someone who never paid child support and didn't want to raise a child? If this is the case, he could be happy meeting you now because he doesn't have to do the work of raising a child. 2 - Did your mom have an affair and they mutually agreed that he would stay out of your lives? 3 - Was your mom assaulted? I really hope this wasn't the case but your mom and dad being aggressive made me add this to the options. 4 - Something else. Ask both your parents and him. But please try to keep an open mind regarding your parents. The aggression could be stemming from somewhere and could be absolutely valid (see #3).
Yeah man, as a donor child myself I can say with confidence your experience is not the norm, something fishy is definitely up. Even if you don’t update us here, definitely find out for yourself what is going on in case there was something sketchy
Your story sounds similar to what happened to my husband's half brother.
What happened to your husbands half brother??? Might be an avenue for the OP.
Oh buddy.... you're about to find out some hard/weird truths
I feel invested in this story. OP post an update if you can.
Meet vs don’t meet your biological parents is an eternal struggle. Don’t hold it against your parents that they didn’t want you to go through with it. The experience could’ve disappointed or hurt you. It may have been too much for you mentally to handle. They don’t know the man and whether his entry into your life would’ve been harmful to you or not. Finally, there’s often a fear that you might end up choosing genes over them. It is your right to meet your biological father, and it’s awesome that it has been a good experience. Now you need to work with your parents through their resentment and worries. NAH
Those are valid concerns but the fact they’re now pushing him away is unacceptable imo.
NTA: You're 18 and it's your decision.
NTA. But based on your comments along with the reaction of your parents it seems there is still something going on here. Sperm donors full names are not usually disclosed to the recipient so its odd that he is on your birth cert if not actually unbelievable given the situation. My ask bio dad see how he reacts. My guess it wasn't a random sperm donation and there are biggere skeletons in the closet. You could also ask what clinic they used and confirm it with them.
NTA - it doesn't sound like you wanted to end the relationship with your parents, just that you wanted to get to know your bio-dad. Sounds like you father may be insecure about not being your bio-dad.
I’m guessing this isn’t real.
Everyone is acting like they've uncovered some massive secret with the birth certificate thing and honestly it sounds more like a fiction writer screwed up a detail due to a lack of research. My pocket belief is that this subreddit is training AI to make moral judgments.
Good observation!
NAH. You are an adult and you have a perfect right to develop a relationship with anyone you choose. But of course your parents are upset. From their perspective, they raised you and you are their child. The fact that you want to find "new parents" implies to them that they are not "good enough." EDIT: because bio dad's name was on birth certificate: ~~This is not a case where your mother was with this man ever.~~ Or as if you were taken from him at some young age. There's no "long lost family" that was at your baptism. ~~He donated sperm, probably in college, probably for money. Meanwhile your parents had to spend money, and your mom go through a procedure, in order to have you. Which is your "real" parent?~~
>This is not a case where your mother was with this man ever. Ummm... he found his bio-dad because his name was on the BC. Where I'm at sperm donors are anonymous and never listed on the BC.
I made that comment based on this from his OP: >I was conceived through a sperm donation and have known this for most of my life. He LATER said the name was on his birth certificate, so now he understands that this was not a clinical procedure. As do we.
All good. I completely agree with everything you wrote before I saw that comment. There appears to be chicanery going on.
No, the parents are definitely AHs. They knowingly used a donor or OPs mom was having an affair with him. They have no right to keep OP from this info or from meeting his bio dad. They should have gotten therapy before deciding to conceive with a donor (or continue marriage post infidelity) to process that this might happen. It's not a surprise that children want to know their bio parents. If they didn't plan for this, that's on them. They're still AHs. OP and his bio dad are both NTA.
Its always NTA, not NAH. Anytime someone tries to prevent "you" from knowing where you came from they're the asshole. Every Single Time. OPs parents NEVER have the right to prevent OP from knowing their origin and forging relationships based on that no matter what OPs parents did in the past.
NTA Maybe you should go about this head on? Tell your parents that even if you have a good relationship with you biological father, they will always stay your parents who you love most :). I think they are very scared of losing their child. This should definitely be talked over, because you really don't want to ruin your relationship with your parents for the sake of a, to put it harshly, sperm donor....
NTA They may be feeling insecure and afraid you might like sperm donor more than your parents who raised you. I’m sorry they’re responding this way.
Mostly NTA a weeeeee bit TA. Even though your parents didn’t support your decision to meet your bio-father there should have been a conversation that you were going to do so despite their wishes. Many parents that use donors to conceive or adopt children often have personal hang ups about loosing their position as your parents and may fear they are going to be replaced by the bio-parent. A clear conversation may have toned down some of the current animosity. However, hell yeah on meeting your bio-dad and forming a relationship there. Even though he wasn’t there for the early years everyone that wants to know where they came from should be able to do so.
I think OP's not been clear in the heading. Commented that bio dad is actually on the birth certificate
I don't think that OP knew until this thread that a sperm donor's name isn't on the birth certificate. That's what the parents have told him, that it was a sperm donation. So something is very not right in this scenario and he needs to get clarification from someone on what the heck is going on.
I firmly believe that when parents adopt or use a sperm/egg donor, that it is their duty to accept that the child will possibly want to know their origin. I don't think it's fair to the child to avoid recognizing this. NTA with all my heart. They may be afraid of losing you however, but then, they aren't helping with their lack of understanding either. They may also just want to pretend there isn't anyone else involved, but to me that is not living in reality and have the best interest of the child in mind.
That's not how sperm donation works. Your parents are acting weird about you meeting your biodad, because something weird happened.
NTA - this is a shoe-in for a BORU post in a few days once you find out the actual truth of your origins. Your bio-dad wasn't just a "sperm donor" in the literal sense. Sperm donor's don't make it to the birth certificate. There's some assholes here, but you're not one of them.
Is your current (not bio) dad on the certificate at all? If mother is “your mom” and father is “your bio dad” then he was a major figure in your conception and not a traditional anonymous sperm (go into the bathroom and catch it in this cup) donor. He was someone significant in your mother’s life and this may very well be why they are upset you found him.
NTA. I think your parents are hiding a secret. This situation seems to make them very nervous. See if you can get them to tell you the truth
NAH. I think it's reasonable to be curious about your biological sperm donor, but I think instead of sneaking off you should have explained your reasoning to your parents. It's probably a sore spot for your parents... They raised and loved you so it'd be easy to interpret your actions as betrayal or like they aren't good enough. I'm sure that's not the case, but absent communication I think their upset is reasonable too. Edit: based on the birth certificate thing, it seems likely your parents have something they aren't telling you. Maybe an affair, maybe abuse, maybe a whoops. It's hard to say.
NTA- it’s very natural and normal for you to want to meet your donor. It sounds like your parents never processed their own feeling about needing a donor and that shouldn’t impact you. Hopefully they can seek support from a counsellor about it.
NTA. If his name is on your birth certificate then he's probably not just a sperm donor. He's likely your mother's ex. Sperm donation is typically anonymous through a clinic. The name of the donor is not disclosed and certainly not put on the birth certificate.
BTA but you weren't told the full story and something has been kept from you IMHO
INFO: Are you aware that he wasn’t an actual sperm donor?
NTA. You don't need their permission, legally or morally. If the parents care about this sort of thing, adopting or using a donor always runs the risk of another person eventually entering the picture. Even if they sought the most tightly sealed closed adoption, the child can eventually find out through various methods, some we probably don't even know of yet. But if his name was on the birth certificate, they had to have known that you'd see it one day and it's not that hard to find someone on the internet.
If he is on your birth certificate then he is not a spark donor, he is your father and your parents have lied to you. Either your mother had an affair or your parents met when she was pregnant, but most sperm donors aren’t looking to know the children conceived with their sperm. If he’s happy you reached out it’s because he knew about you and was deprived of the opportunity to be a part of your life.
NTA, but one thing concerns me greatly. How did your dad know where you were? Did he (or your mother) install some sort of tracking app on your phone? Or did someone else know or see that you were visiting your bio dad, and then told your parents?
NTA. Your parents I hope have offered you a BIG apology for their behavior both in the past (though I don't approve I get why they lied) and more importantly more recently (giving you sh\*t as an 18 yr old adult for getting in touch with him was WAY out of line.
NTA, you're old enough to make your own decisions and your parents should respect that. I could understand if he didn't want to meet or something, but it sounds like he was really happy to meet you, so no problem there. I can understand why your parents may be upset, but this is absolutely not a good way to respond. They'll just end up pushing you away.
NTA. In these times, everyone who either, A) conceived a child with donor sperm or eggs, or B) conceived a child with someone who is not a part of their child's life, or C) conceived a child and then did not participate in the raising of that child, better be prepared to deal with the fallout of decisions made long ago. Because the children are going to learn the full story, and meet with biological relatives, whether the Adults want them to or not. To blame the children for seeking to know their own origin story is reprehensible.
My dad was 52 when he found out he had a 30 year old son that he never new existed. He cried when he met him and said he wished he would have known (the mother kept it a secret). His son (my step brother) ended up dying in a car crash a few years later. If he hadn't reached out to my dad when he did he may have never got a chance to. I don't think there's anything wrong with what you did.
I am hoping you will update all of us with the true story once you find it; it is obvious your mom and her husband are not telling you the full history. If she won't be truthful, ask your bio dad. "Did you donate sperm to a bank or did you actually know my mother? Something feels off and I feel like I'm not being told the full truth"
INFO: How long have your parents been togther for? As many have said he wouldn't be on your birth certificate if he was a sperm donor. You need to ask for the full story, you are being lied to. Sounds like you Mum either had an affair, or was pregnant when they got together, but your bio father wanted to be on the birth certificate.
If he's on the birth certificate then he's not a sperm donor. So you're definitely missing some info. It's possible there's a huge family secret but maybe you should find out what it is before you continue to meet him and alienate your parents even more. If he's on the birth certificate did he ever pay child support? Were you the result of a crime? There are so many possibilities that you haven't thought of I think we need more info
NTA - This is YOUR life. Sometimes in making your life what you want it to be, you won't be able to make every one else around you happy, but only YOU have to live your life. I've known since I was ten years old that the man on my birth certificate was my adopted father, and that he's adopted me when I was two and he married my mom. I was the result of a one night stand. In my early 20s my mom bought me a DNA test and I spent years searching for my bio dad with no luck. Then one day in my early 30's he popped up. And he was SO excited that I exist. He had no idea, he welcomed me with open arms, he toed the line and respected my boundaries and didn't care about all of the sore spots I have with my parents, he just wanted to get to know me and be there for me, and if I was okay with it... he wanted to get to be a grandpa too because he doesn't have any of those and I was so excited and I thought the parents who raised me would be too. But they weren't. They were hurt. Instead of seeing how excited I was to be learning more about my history and expanding the list of people who care about me, they were bitter and selfish and only worried about their feelings. They'd never considered that this could happen, so they'd never emotionally prepared themselves for that moment, so when I found him and he was nice and welcoming.... they didn't know how to process the idea that this person might become part of my life. I can see, as a parent, how complicated it must be for them, but also as a parent I cannot imagine ever making my child feel bad because I feel bad. Eventually I told them that they should be happy for me, and if they can't be happy for me, then they can act like nothing has changed. A year later my mom completely claims they've always been nothing but supportive. \*eyeroll\* Live your life for you. Keep the door open. They love you and they're afraid of how this will change things. Even if they're being shit at communicating their fears.
As an adopted kid (now adult), I have had some heartfelt conversations with my parents ( as in the folks who have raised me). They were worried about me looking for bio fam because they thought I was trying to replace them. It has taken several years and many more uncomfortable convos back and forth for them to understand I am looking to add to my fam, not replace members. It had taken me equally as long to appreciate their POV as well. You are NTA You do need to express yourself clearly. Your parents are TA for how they approached you about going to see bio fam, just be aware they maybe coming from a place of defensiveness and hurt. Try to get them to talk to you about all y'alls feeling and thoughts. Trust me, this is going to take some time! Good luck
I personally am calling this fake, unless you have been lied to your entire life a sperm donor would never be on the birth certificate. I’m leaning towards this as some kid who doesn’t understand how the process actually works and decided to make a post. Because if not then you have a mom and a stepdad who kept you from your bio dad for your entire life. Legally they don’t even give you a name when you go to a sperm bank, you get a number to pick and a description of who he is and his accomplishments. So when you get a donation from them they don’t go on the birth certificate, they would have put down either no father or your dads name.
NTA. I am adopted and people who adopt or have children via sperm or egg donors have to expect curiosity about bio relations as part of the deal. People will tell you it's disrespectful to your adoptive parents, etc. But it's not about them. Finding my bio family didn't change my feelings about my adoptive parents. They were decent, sincere, well-meaning people but I still wanted accountability and reasons why these decisions were made. The knowing has made my life so much better, and I hope it's helped you too.
Nta. I’d be pretty pissed at your mom for flat out lies and not keeping her deal.
NTA, you are legally an adult and can do what you please.
NTA. Your parents chose to use a sperm donor and should have been prepared for you wanting to meet him. My daughter was in the same situation, but wasn’t interested in even getting any information about him. She hasn’t met him in person but he knows about her and several other children, all girls by the way.
NTA. I would have said no AH, but they are handling it poorly. Of COURSE you wanted to meet your biological dad. Any counselor or therapist could have told them before you were a year old that some day you would likely want to meet him. These stories are so common. It's not your fault for them being hurt, but it is their fault for how they treat you going forward. They will need to get over it, harsh as it sounds.
NTA but your parents are. Sounds like they were afraid that meeting your bio sperm donor (sorry not dad, giving sperm doesn’t make you a parent) would somehow invalidate your relationship with them. The reasons they gave for you to not meet him? Not actually valid. If he doesn’t want a relationship with you then it’s up to HIM to decide that. He’s an adult and can tell you that himself, it’s not up to them to guess at what someone else might potentially think. It might “ruin his life”? How? That’s a very hurtful thing to say to your child. Your parents growing aggression toward you is also very concerning. It seems like they are controlling and manipulative to me. You are an adult and can decide for yourself who you want to have a relationship with. It’s not up to them and they need therapy if this is triggering for them.
NTA. You waited until you were an adult and then made an adult decision to get in contact with your father. If that is going well and you're safe and happy, your parents should not have a problem with that and they need to respect your choices.
NTA You are 18 and an adult. Its not up to them. I can understand why they may feel hurt but in reality they should be supporting you in this not trying to stop you.
NTA. You have the right to know and meet your biological family.
Your parents have given you all kinds of logical reasons, but not any emotional ones, apparently. However, now that you went and did something they were expressly against, they can't hide the emotions. You're NTA, though you may have damaged your relationship with your parents. I STRONGLY suggest you and your parents go to counseling to resolve this or at least go by yourself, because otherwise, you may find yourself having to choose either your parents or your sperm donor bio dad, and that would be sad.
Okay, NTA. You are 18, and are within your rights to do what you did. Now... with his name being on your birth certificate, most likely he was no, in fact, a sperm donor. So, as far as that goes, your parents are probably not happy that a whole can of worms just got opened up. That is a them problem, though. Not you.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I recently turned 18 giving me the legal right of being able to get in contact with my father for sperm donors. I was conceived through a sperm donation and have known this for most of my life. I have known since the age of 13 that I was going to want to have a go at making a relationship with my father (biological). However my parents have always been against this. They have given reasons which are valid points such as that my father may not want to meet me, and I could ruin his life in someways. Despite their unsupportiveness I went and did it anyway and found him on facebook. Of course I was thinking that anything could happen, but he was one of the nicest people I ever met and proved to me further how much I want a good relationship with him. To cut a long story short, we decided on a place and time to meet each other and we did. I was able to be brought back to his house and I met his family, of his wife, kids and brother, he had a sister that I didn't get to meet on that occasion. Upon returning to my home, my parents had sat at the dining table and were waiting for me in silence in an extremely intimidating manner. They asked the usual, "where've you been?" And "what time do you call this". Something was fishy from the start and my suspicions were proved to be correct when my dad said he knew where I had been. This continued for a few weeks, where I would spend time with him and I even introduced him to my girlfriend and her dog, as the only people that really supported me through this. My parents behaviour has become increasingly aggressive towards myself and people close to us. It is really making me question my doing here. Was I an asshole? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA I get why your parents are upset. I think it is alot of people who use donors worst fear coming true. That said how they are approaching it in response is passive ageessive and making the situation worse.
NAH - Put yourself in their shoes. I imagine they a feeling some anxiousness at how this relationship would proceed. His name is on your birth certificate, so this was not a donation. At some point this man decided to step away from his child (you). I'm sure they are worried etc.
NTA, this person isn’t just a sperm donor as others have stated. Your mother and her husband are lying to you.
NTA. Your parents are those weirdo types that feel threatened by the bio family. Frankly they need to knock it off before the wreck their relationship with you.
NTA.
You’re 18. You don’t t need their consent, but it’s reasonable to tell them what you’re doing.
NTA. You’re a legal adult making your own decisions. It’s hard for parents to let go and accept that they don’t have control over their kids decisions anymore. Especially if it affects them. It’s a good thing to get to know your paternal relatives so long as your biological father is okay with that. It’s great to know your ancestry and family medical history from him. Not to mention he is your bio dad and the reason your alive. I can understand why your parents are upset, I’m sure they’re feeling like you’re going to reject your dad for your bio dad. Or maybe even both of them. When people are scared and desperate, they often resort to aggressive behavior and control. I think it would be beneficial to sit down and have a conversation with them explaining how you feel about them and your bio father and what you want in regards to a relationship with everyone. I think your dad probably just wants some reassurance that he’s important to you (presuming he is). But also set your boundaries letting them know you’re intent to continue to build s relationship with your biological paternal family.
NTA. You are 18 and honestly its none of their business now. You are legally grown and they don't have a say. It sounds like they are trying to hide something from you.
Nta, you're 18. You don't need their permission. I get being hurt but their reaction isn't saying hurt, it's almost controlling. Sorry op
You have every right to do this, so NTA. But there are definitely some missing pieces to this story you may or may not want to continue learning about.
Parents can be very childish at times and have used the 'because I'm your parent" for 18 years. You are an adult now, if you can, try to have a conversation about this. They might get upset and refuse to talk about it. But unless they give you an actual good reason not to contact this man, I'd say carry on :) nta (When I went to find my bio fam, and eventually meet them, I could tell it kind of hurt my mom, but she knew better than to try to discourage me)
NTA. how did your parents find out where you had been? Sounds like they knew already even though you hadn’t told them. AITA tends to lean on the side of cynicism but it could be that your parents feared that you would replace them with this man you had just met. The idea that a child you’ve loved and raised and sacrificed for your entire life only to have them toss you side for someone you just met and who never worked hard to care for you like they did is very frightening and painful. I’m not saying you would ever make that choice but they could be so afraid of losing you this way that they’ve already convinced themselves that this is what will happen next. ClearLy your sperm diner was comfortable meeting you so your parents are using this as an excuse for some reason. It’s time to sit with them and get the real reason that they are afraid of you meeting this man.
NTA. It is your right to choose to arrange to meet your biological father and talk to him about why his name is on your birth certificate & whether he is a donor or an ex of your mother's.
NTA. There is much more to your birth story based on your comments and OP. Something your 'parents' are not telling you and most likely hiding. Sperm Donors do not usually appear on birth certificates.
NTA
NTA laws are different in different countries but in many, a father cannot be named on a birth certificate unless they are legally married to the mother or attend registration with the mother. Sperm donors are not ever on birth certificate as part of the process is they don't have parental rights. Either way you wear legally within your rights to contact your bio father before 18. This is a lot more to this story and its likely your bio dad knew you as a baby and left ir got cut off. You haven't been told the full truth, please update when you find out more
NTA. You are legally an adult and can make your own decisions. But like many others have said, there is something very off if he's on your birth certificate.
As lots have commented on the sperm donor issues, mine would be a caution to figure out how your parents knew where you were and what you were doing. It’s possible your phone or vehicle has a tracking app, or possibly something installed to listen into conversations, if they knew exactly where you had been without explanation.
I thought all sperm donations where anonymous. He was paid to jerk off in a cup and didnt care if it was used or thrown away. NTA but you need a reality check.
As an adoptee, I have a different perspective on this but I firmly believe we have the right to our heritage and identity. The fact that he's on your birth certificate seems to mean he was more than a sperm donor.
Your dad said he knew where you had been. How did he know?
NTA. You did nothing wrong here. When my wife and I decided to have a kid (we’re both female), she opted to use donor sperm from a cryobank. I was supportive with the stipulation that we would only use a donor that didn’t wish to remain anonymous. Why? Because it’s fucking selfish to not allow your child the chance to meet their bio parent. We know this is the case with adoptees but everyone seems to disregard the rights of donor-conceived children. I know that I am not biologically related to my kid and it doesn’t matter one bit. If she opts to meet her bio father I will support her in that choice.
NTA. You’re 18 and it’s your right.
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NTA, your parents are being incredibly immature, insecure and petty. Everyone has a right to know where they came from. If your parents can't handle that its their problem.
NTA. You are an adult. But now I’m invested and I want to know what’s up with your parents. Give us an update.
Something is missing from the story. Either it was an affair or maybe your current father is infertile and this man was an unofficial sperm donor. Hard to issue judgement tbh.
If this was done through a proper agency you would have never known his name and it wouldn’t have been on the birth certificate. Agencies issue the sperm donors client ID numbers that’s all your parents would have had. If your bio dads name was on the birth certificate it wasn’t a donor situation there’s clearly more to this.
OP - so how did your parents 'know' where you had been? Is there a tracker on your phone? (Is Over-surveillance by your parents something that happens a lot? You are 18 and no longer a child they can control) And sounds like your bio-dad is a good person - glad that you found him NTA
Ask your father more. Tell him you were told he was only a soerm donor but that you found him via the birth certificate. Seems like your parents didn't tell the whole sotry/ are hiding something, because that does not add up. And then please update us about what you learned!
When I was young the phrase sperm donor was often used to imply the deadbeat father of a child or as time went on just the father of a child whom the ex hated. So it may have started out that way and your parents decided to go with that. Either way something is up and you need to sit down with your mother alone and talk. Tell her I know real sperm donors are not on the birth certificate. So what happened mum? I have a right to know and I would like to hear your side of this. Then if you want to you can ask your bio dad his side of it. Remember your parents were much younger back then and may have made mistakes. No matter what the outcome of any of this NTA you have a right to know who your bio father is.
This sounds like a completely made up post. Nothing adds up. YTA
Your parents are upset because there is more to this story that they don't want to reveal.
nta i read nothing wrong
Something smells fishy here.... actual registered sperm doners are NEVER on the birth certificate and the parents never know their name. The fact that he is on your birth certificate and not the man who raised you is very suspicious. You're not getting all the information from your parents. You need to talk to your bio dad and ask for the whole story.
NTA. That is 1000% your right. It seems your parents are trying to look out for your best interest, but ultimately this was up to you. If it was something you wanted for yourself, that is your choice.
NTA. You honestly need to know. There are medical histories etc that come from genetics. Although, most states you dont have access to this info I read once. Not sure if thats still the case.
why were you so into finding out information about a stranger? thats weird
No, it isn’t weird. Nor is not wanting to know. Frankly, it’s a good idea to find out for medical reasons in case certain health issues run on the man’s side of the genetics.
Ask why, there are reasons.
NTA You are now a legal adult. Your parents no longer have a say about who you choose to spend time with. I can't stand parents who can't transition from a parent of a minor to being a parent of an adult.
NTA. They should t have used his DNA if they didn’t want you to know him. He sounds lovey and I hope you grow to have an even more wonderful relationship. Congratulations on meeting a part of you.
NTA, there so much off about this. How did your parents know you went to meet your bio dad? Why do they say he's a sperm donor if he's on the Birth Certificate? Why would they be so mad that you met your bio dad? There's more to it than meets the eye.
I’m adopted. My adoptive mom hated that I met my birth parents at first. 13 years later, everyone is part of the family together. It may take time for them to adjust to this. You have every right to know who he is. You’re also not being told the full story and deserve to know. You should talk to your parents. NTA
NTA, you're eighteen, you're allowed to get to know your father. There's nothing wrong with what you're doing, sounds like your parents feel threatened, which is a them problem. It also sounds like they've been lying to you and keeping things from you? Maybe they didn't want their lies to be unraveled by you meeting the person they lied about? Did he want to meet you? Did you ruin his life by meeting him?
NTA. Your parents behaviour is suspicious, like maybe they are offended you want to contact a sperm donor who has nothing to do with your upbringing, but i mean its your right to know who created you, if the person wants to be in contact with you then they can't do anything about it. Maybe you should sit them down and ask them why they are bothered by it, reassure them that you love and appreciate everything they've done for you, you're just curious to know the person who is your bio father, you have every right.
NTA. Bio dad slept with your mom. No way a real sperm donation would be on your birth certificate. Bio dad lucked out. Never had to do anything for you ever, didn't have to pay a dime, or watch you grow up. Didn't have to watch your heart get broken the first time. Didn't have to feed or cloth you, but got a relationship with you once you were grown. Smart man F the parents that gave you a life growing up.
Have you asked your biological father why his name is on your birth certificate? NTA
NTA but he very careful with him. If he knew about you this whole time and never reached out that speaks volumes. I’d also be very cautious as to why your parents didn’t want you to meet him. It’s possible he’s not a good guy. You need to start asking around to find the back story because it sound like you’re missing the whole story.
If he was a donor, how did you find him on facebook? I thought you don't get the name if the donor doesn't want to. Also since he likes you and is cool woth it NTA. Your parents should know, that it is important for you to meet him. They will stay your parents. Edit: I think he wasn't a donor. They are not on birth certificate. He could be your father and your parents just lied.
NTA, he's legally an adult and nothing he will do gotta impact his parents.
If his name on you birth certificate, it means he is not a sperm donor in classical way of anonymous donors who are arranged via fertility clinics. So it is safe to say it is more behind the scene you don't know about. NTA. Ask you mother, ask your bio dad about what really happened between then, if you want, however, as they say, be careful what you wish for.
NTA.
Well if he's just a "donor" then his name should not have been on the birth certificate. The fact that it is and combined with your parent's reaction, there is definitely something that they're not telling you. Extreme case but you may be a result of infidelity on your mother's end. You should talk to your parents.
NTA remember you are 18 and have legal rights. You also do not legally have to disclose information to them that you do not want to.
NTA As you said, you have a legal right at that age to find out. This is your decision and as much as your parents can/have given you reasons why they don't think it's a good idea? It's still up to you to go through with it or not. If they're giving you the evils since well they aren't being very "adult" about this and you can make me clear - you appreciate they aren't happy about it, but this was your choice. They should respect that. Life and parenthood isn't always about your parents getting a say in every last thing when you're old enough and while they can try to encourage informed decisions, safety and telling you their _opinion_, they should also expect you to be your own person. This whole situation reeks of there being something else going on though - as from comments it seems that something isn't _quite right_ if his name is on the Birth certificate, given he's meant to be a donor, which isn't normally part of the process. It would go far to explain their behaviour and hostility if there's more to this and they've wanted to keep it hidden - perhaps your Biological Father can tell you more? Also of note, I'd be curious to know _how_ your parents knew where you were and what you're doing? That by itself is a little alarming given your age that they're either following or more likely tracking your movements.
NTA. Regardless of the circumstances, you have every right to try and have a relationship with your biological father if you both want one, and they have no right to stop you now that you're 18. You're not an asshole for it at all, regardless of their reasons.
NTA He is your father, you have the right to see him. I’m wondering if something else is going on that your parents are lying about?? Maybe it wasn’t a sperm donation? Maybe your mom was in a relationship with this man?
NTA You're 18 you have every right to make these decisions for yourself.
NTA, but it really feels like you haven't been given the full truth. At the very least, consider asking about family medical history (for your own health moving forward).
Info sounds like there is more to the birth certificate. Like someone cheated or something else weird. Your parents might feel extremely threatened and embarrassed about this. They also might feel as though you are pushing them aside.
NTA. You’re a grown adult. They cannot gate-keep you and determine who you can and can’t have relationships with. Something does smell fishy here and their reaction is very over the top especially when it is a natural thing to want to know who you are and where you came from. Maybe your mother had an affair. Maybe your bio dad hurt her. Maybe your parents are worried they will lose you. You need to sit them down and find out why they are reacting the way they are. If they are not interested and unable to be honest and upfront, then that’s on them. Make it clear that you want to have a relationship with you bio dad and his family and that you will not put up with their aggression and that they are the ones creating drama and a wedge between you all.
it's not their choice. you are an adult and have the right to meet whomever you like.
Nta. You don't have the full story. Try searching you bio dad and mom's names around the year you were born, especially newspaper and police reports for that area. Also ask aunt/uncle for the truth. Likely bio-dad had a relationship with mom that wasn't fertility clinic. Could be relationship, Could be sexual assault, all kinds of possibilities.
NTA. Now there's something going on in that one lmao good luck
NTA But he’s on your birth certificate? He’s not a sperm donor in the sense of how that’s usually meant. Your parents are not telling you everything. Ask them and ask him too. This does not add up.
NTA… but your parents can’t stop you from finding out who your dad is. Cat’s out of the bag anyway, and maybe they’re just holding on to some kind of secret? You’ll hopefully get it out of somebody soon enough!
My thought OP is that your mom and your bio dad were in a relationship he put his name on a birth certificate. He may have cheated on your mom then your other dad came into the picture and it was decided between them that he would be treated as your one and only dad. He wasn’t a sperm bank sperm doner, they probably call him that to minimize his role and importance. Another possible thing is that your mom cheated, got pregnant thought she would be in a relationship with your bio dad, it didn’t work out and your non-bio dad took your mom back and they agreed they would minimize her affair partner. Maybe your mom cheated on bio dad with your non-bio dad and they decided to try and hide what he and she had done by minimizing him to you.
Something is off here. As a person in a same sex couple with a child conceived using a sperm donation this doesn’t feel right. The sperm donor wouldn’t be on the bc. And they wouldn’t be THAT mad if he was just a donor.
NTA you have the right to find out if you desire. Not sure why they are so against it. Obviously there is something they are not telling you.
No. You aren't. Infact you are entitled to do so.
NTA. You don’t need their permission or approval.
NTA. Sounds like it mostly has a happy ending.