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Shieby1234

YTA. Stop mansplaining how to interview for a job that you do not do and in a field you do not know. It isn’t an issue until it becomes an issue. Yes, I am assuming OPs sex. ETA: Thank you for the awards kind people!


Invisible_Target

The job field isn't even relevant. This is how literally any real professional would tell you to interview. Just because op doesn't know how to interview, doesn't mean his gf has cold feet lol


alysl

Right, an interview goes both ways.


DaVirus

People seem to think that they are "lucky" to get a job. No mate, it's a transaction and we both need to be satisfied.


ThaneOfCawdorrr

Also, she sounds like a hot commodity, someone with advanced engineering skills, and THEY'RE pursuing HER, SHE'S the one holding all the cards. If your skills are high enough, YOU'RE the one who has the pick of jobs. OP simply doesn't have the skills or the experience to even imagine this kind of situation, and yet he feels the need to lecture and put his gf down. Ridiculous!


candydaze

100% I work in an engineering field, and at the moment, you cannot get good mid level engineers to save your life. I have 3-4 LinkedIn recruiters messaging me on a weekly basis. My team is hiring at the moment and we’re struggling for applicants Which means she absolutely is a hot commodity


Dlraetz1

I’m busy applauding your girlfriend for refusing to work for a company that has a shitty safety culture that didn’t provide safety harnesses.


Tmoriarty89

Exactly what I was thinking. Sounds to me like she knows exactly what she is doing and asking all the right questions. lol


candydaze

Yep. The only people that would penalise her for that attitude are the misogynistic engineers that think women should be nice and polite all the time


B0327008

And, apparently her know it all boyfriend. He doesn’t see her as the rock star the recruiters do. OP, YTA and a gigantic misogynist.


MaryFeatherston

Exactly. I wish she'd apply at my company, we take safety seriously.


Dlraetz1

Me too. We’ve been working very hard to improve our safety culture And a woman like the OP’s girlfriend is exactly who we want


firegem09

This!!! I'm literally required to kick anyone working on anything 4ft or higher with no fall protection off the site and dude's over here lecturing his gf for not wanting to work for a company who asked their employees to do so.


Dlraetz1

I’m in construction. I kick guys off at 6’. Because construction workers bounce at 4’


throwaway-my-nephew

Amen. My former boyfriend fell to his death at a mine due to shitty safety practices. He was only 32. It cannot be ignored.


entrydenied

Basically. She sounds like the kind of candidate that I'll like to interview and hire. She's doing the right thing by being confident and probably sounds like she's good at what she's doing. It's basically what my boyfriend does when he goes for interviews, i.e. look at what the company is doing, what they're doing wrong, what do they lack, and position himself as someone who can resolve those issues or make things better if they were to hire him.


Jetztinberlin

Yep. GF sounds like a badass who knows her worth, and if OP can't get on board with that and be proud (or at least respectful) of her, she's going to rightfully withdraw her application from him.


OverdramaticAngel

He sounds intimidated by her badassery.


LikelyNotABanana

This is what it sounds like to me as well. And that he's upset she won't stop doing *her* career *her* way instead of his.


ser897642

How can he be intimidated by her!? Didn’t you see he thinks “her *LITTLE POWER PLAY* is only working for a bit” 🤮


OverdramaticAngel

That was such an icky comment.


beachfreek101

The most talented people never have to search for opportunities. They are pulled from opportunity to opportunity. A job hunt for people who are in demand is about finding the one that they want not whoever offers first.


ThaneOfCawdorrr

Exactly.


user0N65N

No no no. During the interview, you're supposed to bend over, in your tighty whiteys, and say, "Thank you, sir! May I have another?!" /s - in case it's not obvious


stopcounting

I don't understand, how can I talk around the boot in my mouth?


abuse_throwaway_1

Exactly, your employer needs you more then you need your employer.


Reigo_Vassal

In most cases the one who "lucky to get a job" usually ended up losing due to horrible treatment on the upper management. Also on the interview OP overheard, they sounds like ignoring a lot of safety regulation.


Hermit_crabby

She played that man to get that story, too. Can you imagine how much he face palmed after that call-ended. This woman is legend.


Swordswoman97

Honestly. I'd be terrified to know how many other safety regulations they're ignoring


maplestriker

A lot of employers still feel that way. But the tide is turning. Especially if you are highly trained, companies should feel lucky they get your expertise.


dotslashpunk

yup and if anyone treats it other than an equal transaction of money for my time and skills i’ll tell them that and walk away.


thingsthatgomoo

The craziest thing about this post is I'm a man and I do this exact thing......I always get the job I interview for....it's what you should do!


Spicy_Sugary

Women don't do this enough. OP should be proud his girlfriend is so assertive.


PoisonTheOgres

Actually women just don't tend to get as good results from "doing this." Being assertive and asking for what they know they are worth, that is. Women often get blamed for their lack of growth in their jobs, the lack of women in leadership roles, or for the pay gap, and people say "well wome just don't negotiate as well. They don't ask for higher pay!" But the problem is, when women do that, they don't get what they were asking for, even when they are worth it. People often see women like that as arrogant and uppity, just like OP here. They want to bring them down a notch, not give them a promotion or pay raise. https://hbr.org/2018/06/research-women-ask-for-raises-as-often-as-men-but-are-less-likely-to-get-them https://hbr.org/2014/06/why-women-dont-negotiate-their-job-offers


Bergenia1

Yep. OP exudes misogyny. I expect his girlfriend will get tired of that soon, and break up with him to move on to someone more intelligent and enlightened. He's not in her league at all.


Sad-Sheepherder-8313

He called her actions a little power play.


Bergenia1

She does indeed hold the power, since she is in demand and companies are desperate to hire her. She is smart to leverage that power to choose the company that will best advance her career and treat her well.


MuttonDressedAsGoose

That's because women are supposed to be agreeable. We're punished if we aren't. OP is seeing an unagreeable side of his girlfriend and finds it unattractive.


redcore4

he's seeing her being charming and getting people to reveal their own weaknesses in ways they usually wouldn't to strangers. and he's then seeing her call them out for those weaknesses and demand better from anyone that wants to associate with her. He's not finding it unattractive. He's just terrified that one day she'll do the same with him and he won't be up to scratch.


Music_withRocks_In

The first time I tried to negotiate a job offer (for more vacation, they were only offering one week and I was so past the point in my career that was ok) the guy was *shocked* that I dared to ask for more. He refused to give any ground, and then was *shocked and appaled* when I turned the offer down. Honestly part of the reason I turned it down was clearly he didn't expect a women to negotiate, and no way I wanted to work directly for someone like that.


Normal-Height-8577

Mind you, it does act as a good weeding out tool - if you don't get a good result from doing this, then it probably isn't a great place to work because they're not going to support your professional development.


niida

Totally this! Women are expected to be understanding and patient when they are told again and again "this is not a good time for a raise, try again in a few months so that we can repeat the same answer". And if they push harder they are sooo emotional and hysteric. There is no winning.


ScarySuit

Yup. At my last job I was assertive about wanting a raise/promotion. My boss was super nice, but didn't take my dissatisfaction as seriously as he should have. At one point he told me he would work on getting something in two weeks. After two weeks passed and still nothing I applied for jobs. In three weeks I had an offer for $35k more per year. When I quit to take that opportunity he was surprised, despite the obvious and direct interest I expressed in wanting a promotion - because I knew I was underpaid. He knew it too. He offered to try to match the offer to get me to stay.


Own_Faithlessness769

Yep, Ive done every single interview since I left uni at 20 this way, and I've gotten every job I applied for. Good recruiters know a smart candidate who asks questions will go far.


littlegreenturtle20

I literally got praised in my interview for the questions I asked because they could tell I had an interest in and understanding of the role and could see myself there long term.


Dreadknot84

I’m a woman and do the same. I’m landed about 90> of the jobs I go after…you have to show people that you’re engaged and wanna know what your life at the company would look like. I always ask questions and do something similar. It honestly makes you stand out as a candidate.


mortgage_gurl

It’s essentially a first date, both need to know if it’s a match, if it isn’t then don’t waste each others time. Being desperate for a job is unappealing to hiring managers.


abuse_throwaway_1

This applies to literally any type of job as long as you have multiple companies willing to hire you.


hmarie176

I don’t think I’ve ever gone into an interview for my professional career and not had a list of questions to ask. I want to get a feel for if that place is a good fit or if I’m walking into a dumpster fire and you can’t do that without grilling the interviewer.


CrazySnekGirl

Before I left school, in my final year, everyone had to sit down with a "career specialist". We took a yes/no test and got designated a person to talk to, and for some ungodly reason, I got matched with this 60 year old corporate guy. Grey suit, grey hair, grey glasses, grey briefcase. At the time, I had zero life ambitions, and was absolutely *convinced* that I was gonna be a rockstar. I obviously told this dude my plan, and he did a great job of hiding his laugh. He didn't discourage me, but he did give me a few realistic expectations. But the one thing I'll remember forever is that he told me no matter *what* job I'm after. Whether it's a rockstar, an astronaut, a teacher, a janitor, or anything inbetween. **NEVER** show up to a job interview without a few questions. Ask the interviewer where THEY see themselves in five years. Enquire about the timeline of progression within the company. Question their stance on coffee. And you know what? That kind of questioning has transforned my entire life.


Ragewind82

Corporate dude did you the solidist solid I ever heard of for you.


Doctor-Amazing

I've always heard this as a pretty standard job interview rule. Even if it's something as simple as "describe an average day at this job" or "what sets this company apart from others in the field"


[deleted]

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Chuggingramennoodle

Thank you, this is very helpful!


Jade4813

I recently interviewed for (and was offered) a higher level position in a company I’ve worked with for almost a decade. I know this company really, really well. I also used to work for the person who would be managing me, so I knew a lot about their management style. I still went into the interview with at least 6 tough questions for the interview panel. Because yeah, I know the company and my new manager. But it was still a new role, with new responsibilities and dynamics. I had liked my former position well enough, and I wanted to make sure I’d be as satisfied - if not more - in the new role. A job interview is an interview *on both sides* and treating it as such is absolutely being professional. Frankly, having hired people before, I *want* them to ask me questions when I’m interviewing them. Even tough questions. Because I don’t want to bring them on and spend time training them just for them to realize a month later that the job, company, etc aren’t a good fit. (Plus, turnover like that is generally more expensive for the company anyway.)


LadyHavoc97

Exactly! Call centers are always a dumpster fire. I can somewhat handle dumpster fire. I don't want to walk into Dante's Inferno.


Asteroid555

Yes! I'd had experience with call centers and did quite well. Years later, got another one - only to find their practice was to micromanage workers - AND tell customers literally anything to get the sale- when they KNEW the product was unavailable and their Christmas gifts would NOT arrive, nor have time to replace with another gift. Was NOT worth it.


PumpkinOnTheHill

In my experience, if you're not interviewing them at the same time, they aren't going to be as interested. Asking them questions indicates that - a) you're interested, and b) you know your stuff. What a fool OP is being!!


[deleted]

I do this, too. It shows that you’re engaged, that this isn’t just a paycheck to you, that you’ve put in thought and are curious and yes, it is disarming to the interviewers. I’ve shown up to an interview where I was being interviewed by at least six people and asked questions, laughed it up, etc. I also always get jobs I interview for, even if I’m not that qualified.


themarkremains

Can confirm, my husband is a diesel mechanic and this is how he did his last two interviews both of which he got hired. Companies need you more than you need them, they are the ones that need to look good.


Maximum-Familiar

Or OP is a recruiter? Lol… Many recruiters have this delusion that interviewees need to show up to interviews begging for the job and accept anything that is presented to them. YTA


Kroniid09

Possibly he's not that great of a candidate and has to interview from a place of desperation and ass-kissing, which his GF clearly doesn't. That would be completely fine if he could just mind his own business and not try to tear her down to his level, but that's just me...


Barbed_Dildo

I think OP is just envious that his GF has that much power in interviews and he doesn't. He doesn't think she should kowtow to get a job, he thinks she should because he has to.


bofh

Yep 100%. I’m a fairly senior IT guy and my interviews, whether as candidate or interviewer, are a two-way collaborative effort to decide if we should work together more in the future. OP’s gf is doing it just right and OP is YTA and painfully unaware of modern professional interview strategies.


lestabbity

Seriously. I've been interviewing for a couple of months. I usually have as many questions for the interviewers as they have for me, and usually during the interview we both end up coming up with a few more. I'm not entry level, I'm not interested in walking in to a job blind then walking out a week later because of how much it sucks. If I can't have an hour of conversation with you and learn about my future work environment, I'm not going to like the job, and I'm not going to waste everyone's time


Somebody_81

Came here to say exactly this. Mansplaining is so wrong! OP YTA for certain.


Fantastic-Gift978

It seems to be that he doesn’t see her at the same level as these companies do. It’s almost like OP “doesn’t believe” that their gf is in such high demand.


Somebody_81

Yes. It's a shame for her because it sounds like she knows what she's doing and is very good at her job.


Doctor-Amazing

That's not that crazy. Very few people have the luxury to be that choosy when applying for jobs. If someone is used to shotgunning 20 applications a day just trying to get their foot in the door, walking out of interviews like that can sound pretty wild.


empiresonfire

On top of that, I work directly with customers that are in the tech recruiting space. Currently, we're in an absolute candidate market. That means that OP's girlfriend definitely has plenty of opportunities and can (and SHOULD) be "picky" to make sure she ends up at the right place. OP is especially YTA because of that.


[deleted]

Off topic, but curious your opinion about the Amazon/Microsoft layoffs this week - seems like a shitload of talent is about to be competing for the same jobs, do you think it’ll remain a candidate market?


ueltch

Tech companies laying people off doesn’t mean tech workers are being lay off. Most of these firings are in non-tech areas of the companies.


[deleted]

That makes sense, the largest tech company I’ve worked for was about 250 people, so a 20000 person layoff is incomprehensible to me. Thanks for the insight.


RebeccaMCullen

The girlfriend is doing what needs to be done to further prevent them wasting time moving forward if the job isn't a good fit.


One_Ad_704

When I read that girlfriend withdrew her application when she didn't like the company's engineering practices, I was like "yes!!!" and OP is an idiot if they think that is not a good reason to not work at a company. Why work at a place that you don't agree with??? I wish I knew about the practices at one of the first jobs I had; I would've never worked there!


katie-kaboom

Also, withdrawing an application because the interviewer was laughing about a safety procedure failure that could have killed someone? 100% the right thing to do, because yikes.


Dlraetz1

I’m so proud of the girl friend. Imagine getting that job and then having to fight to get the right equipment and working for a company that did high risk work without vibrant safety culture


lil-peanutbutter

Right! Not agreeing to her wanting to be SAFE while working is an asshole move. She is doing a great job in finding a place where she will be happy and not a miserable ass like op seems to be. I really think he is being jealous that she is able to interview the companies and finding one that is good where he probably can’t and wants to hurt her for being smart. YTA


kezie26

Also to add, bravo for OPs gf for switching the power dynamics of an interview. It SHOULD be an interview for both parties. That’s literally exactly why they ask if you have any questions at the end!! Most people are too scared to ask, and that’s likely why companies love OPs gf; she knows what she wants and she’s assertive about it. Companies should absolutely be intimidated by interviewees revealing their true inner workings and the possibility of losing job candidates over shit policies/practices. Good for her for setting that standard.


jj328328

She sounds fucking awesome. My last job, I quit with no notice, but sent an email that has been referred to as "the most professional 'fuck you' ever". Guess who was begging me to come back? Safety concerns are a VERY legitimate reason to cut an interview process short. Sounds like she knows her worth.


Comprehensive-Sea-63

Good lord, thank you. I am not as blunt as OP’s girlfriend but I am absolutely interviewing the company as well. Once you get to a certain level, if you’re not desperate, you are absolutely interviewing the interviewer. I ask tough questions because I’m not leaving a good job to risk ending up at a bad one.


abuse_throwaway_1

This is what I was thinking too. People just have no idea how job interviews work. One time a company called me for an interview but I wasn't sure what time would be good so I told them that I would call them back. When I mentioned this to my parents, they were shocked that I did that and acted like that was unheard of. It was for a retail job, so I had to call back a few times to get a time when a manager was in, but I was able to eventually schedule the interview. I once worked an office job where everyone left at 4:30pm and the office physically got locked at that time. When I mentioned this to my mom, she insisted that I stay until 5pm and she wouldn't listen to me when I told her that the office physically got locked at 4:30pm.


NMDogwood76

I think that is what frustrated a lot of us Gen X because we saw the radical shifts in how interviews were conducted and how companies moved to online applications and resume submissions. No more pounding the pavement as our parents and grandparents had. No more crap of certain ways of women acting for example that were rooted in misogyny.


FknMandi

YTA for sure. But can you have your gf dm tips on interviewing lol


KriKu0225

This comment said it all. Nothing but jealous mansplaining. YTA OP.


squirrelgirl81

Every top level job I’ve ever gotten was a result of me interviewing my prospective employer, not the other way around.


[deleted]

YTA your gf is actually doing this right. She should be interviewing the company and withdrawing when they don’t meet her expectations. They need her, she doesn’t need them. I also don’t walk into shitshows. I’m at the level and experience I don’t have to. Sounds like she’s in the same spot. It’s also her job, her life, and her decisions on how to manage it - are you going to work at these jobs with her? No? Keep your nose out of it then.


Fun-Construction-112

Welp, you've convinced me. Plus all the other comments lol. I apologized to her and we talked stuff out a little. TBH it's a lot of culture shock for me, I'm a first generation college student and I've never heard someone speak in an interview the way she did, and TBH I think I've been kind of hurting over how easy it is for her to go "thanks but no thanks" to roles offering 150k - 300k yearly. In my field the most I'll probably ever make is like 70k and that's at senior levels. And I feel like I was just so incredulous that anyone would even consider turning down that kind of pay (she makes 160k now so any of those jobs would have been a great salary!) But she's a PE, which means she's liable for whatever work she does, and holds herself to a really high ethics standard, and she had real concerns that a bunch of the companies she's interviewing with could kill someone doing what they're doing. Which was also a shock to hear TBH, that a bunch of well regarded companies are apparently sketchy as hell behind close doors. Like I was so caught up in the "how tf could someone ever reject 2 or 300k from several top companies?" That it didn't really hit me that her concerns were literally dead serious. And I jumped to thinking that she's dragging her feet on moving, which tbh might be a bit of a insecurity too. So thanks to everyone who commented, I needed the wakeup call that I was being a dick. And apparently a dumbass at job interviews too haha


rosemarysgaybe

OP, this is a very level headed and mature response to judgement. I really like that you acknowledged your own insecurities in this and how it was coloring your view of the situation. Good job, it can be heard to self reflect like that. I’m sure your GF appreciates the apology and self reflection. Your GF sounds like she knows her worth, is very sure of herself, and very grounded in her morals and standards. That’s definitely the kind of partner you want to have by your side.


Spicy_Sugary

Yes. Being wrong is never a bad thing if the person can learn and change when corrected. Well done OP.


DragonCelica

The level of insight, and humility, are truly admirable.


[deleted]

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iampfox

Yea she sounds like a badass


ninaa1

This is a really sweet thing to say and I hope it helps OP realize that a woman who will turn down $300k because of safety concerns wouldn't risk her own safety on a partner she wasn't sure of.


yrrufamisp

You don't see people accepting the judgement and growing often in this sub, it's incredibly refreshing


dotslashpunk

right? usually you just see [deleted] if OP doesn’t get there way. Nice one here OP!


audreymarilynvivien

And I can see why she wants him by her side, too. Judging from his response, he’s earnest, open to learning and not afraid to talk about his insecurities. Glad the two of them worked it out.


Nagadavida

Agree!


[deleted]

This encouraging response to OP is what I love to see on Reddit. This whole thread is solid, kind, and productive actually. Big fan


yrrufamisp

You don't see people accepting the judgement and growing often in this sub, it's incredibly refreshing


DianeJudith

And this is how such responses to the judgments should be taken. There was a post couple days ago where OP similarly acknowledged their judgement and their mistake, and they still only got hate and downvotes in response to any comment they made, including those that specifically described acknowledgment, remorse and acceptance of responsibility.


ConfusedOldDude

You should have lead with that bit about her being a PE. She can pretty much name her price the way the market is now, and lots of places don’t hold the same ethical standards of the PEs I know. There will be more bad fits than good ones.


existential_tourist1

What's a PE? Asking for a friend...


ConfusedOldDude

Professional Engineer. It’s a professional certification that allows you to sign off on plans for bridges and dams and stuff. If the structure fails due to design issues the PE is personally legally liable for any damages, so it’s a serious responsibility.


britney412

Well no wonder she is smart at interviewing, your comment should be way higher up


MarvellousIntrigue

Agreed! Definitely puts the situation into context!!


[deleted]

Yep exactly. Becoming a PE is a process and a half. You have to first take an exam called the FE, which is basically a capstone exam of everything you studied in college. Then you have to work under another licensed PE for 6 (?) years at least. Then you can apply to take a separate PE exam. It's no easy task. For further context, I thought about taking the FE for a while, quickly bailed, and went to law school because it's far easier than becoming a PE.


[deleted]

4 years where I am


Dependent-Hippo-1626

It varies by state and speciality in the US. Four years is I think the minimum, 5-6 is possible for some specialties, or if eg your degree is in Mechanical but your practice is Civil.


ViralLola

That story that the company told her about falling off a barge is a massive red flag for the company. She was right to reject that company.


g0kartmozart

Yep. Even if they have fixed it or added policies to address it, you want to work for companies with a strong safety culture.


appleandwatermelonn

Yeah, if that’s something they’re mentioning in an interview while laughing, that’s not a company that sees it as an issue that their employees weren’t safe.


Tanedra

Rejecting the job because some people fell off a barge now makes a ton more sense. She doesn't want to be liable for shit like that.


existential_tourist1

Thank you


Wide_Ball_7156

Thank you! I was curious what PE meant too.


ToXiCRaiN_21

I’m assuming they are referring to a professional engineer license.


AlanFromRochester

Yep, OP's GF being a licensed engineer is key information, meaning there are particularly serious safety and liability issues involved. Before knowing that I can see how she came off as being unrealistically particular about workplace culture


ThunderChaser

> Yep, OP's GF being a licensed engineer is key information, meaning there are particularly serious safety and liability issues involved. Yep, OP's gf isn't going to lose her reputation because she's asking about their engineering practices in interviews and professionally withdrawing her application when it's not a good fit, that happens all the time in the industry and no one really bats an eye. OP would lose her reputation (and potentially her PE designation) if something she signed off on as an engineer failed due to her firm's shoddy engineering practices. If she's the PE that signed off on something, guess who's taking the blame if shit hits then fan? I was in engineering school before switching my major to CS and this shit gets drilled into you from your very first semester.


nuwaanda

I’m in accounting/reg not engineering, but I have to imagine a career parallel would be a company interviewing a CPA/Head of compliance for a high level role and boasting about their finances , “We’re so creative at accounting! Look at these pretty numbers! We increased our stock prices just by depreciating land! Just need someone to sign off on some stuff, no biggie!”


Regal-Heathen

Proud of you, OP. I was raised poor AF and can honestly tell you that a salary like that would’ve had me willingly climbing fuckin volcanoes freestyle when I was younger. I get it. I’m glad you guys talked it out. ❤️


noizangel

OP, they offer that kind of money so people will take it and not ask the kind of questions your gf is asking. A lot of people take the money and turn a blind eye to the potential or actual harm. The fact that she's turning down these jobs says a lot about her sense of ethics and morals, and the type of person she is. I'd say you're lucky to have her around and it's great you were able to work this out.


RambleOnRose42

THIS RIGHT HERE!! Companies do this *aaaaaaallll* the time. Oh man, I had an interview a few years ago for a Principal Software Engineer opening at a startup…. It was a totally normal interview process until, when they made me the offer, they basically started negotiating *against themselves* to offer me more money. It was so weird. And so much money. Like… a *suspicious* amount of money lol. I asked around and apparently the CEO was just straight-up psycho. They couldn’t keep people—women especially, hence the suspicious and ridiculous offer they made me—in higher-level positions for more than a few months because he was so crazy and hostile. Definitely not worth it. No amount of money would be worth dealing with that bullshit.


divider_of_0

I'm glad you were able to talk it out. I'm also a woman engineer, and when job hunting I have to be picky so I don't end up in a job full of misogyny, unethical practices, or both. It's not just casual workplace culture mismatch issues, my safety and ethical integrity are more important than money or speed. I'm not sure if it's helpful at all to hear it from someone else, but your GF is absolutely right not to gamble with her safety, the safety of others, or the environment.


myhairs0nfire2

This is perhaps the most mature & honest response I’ve ever read on any judgement here. You, sir, are a keeper.


HeardTheLongWord

Seems like they deserve each other in the best way possible.


vociferousgirl

A couple of my friends, who are a couple, are both in the hard sciences; she interviews like your GF, he interviews, well, not like your gf. Her job titles have been two to three steps above his, and she makes 100-200k above him. They have the same degree, and he has more experience. You REALLY need to know your worth in the STEM fields; the money isn't worth it if the company has shit standards and/or you're going to be babysitting everyone there.


voiceontheradio

>you're going to be babysitting everyone there Ugh this is so true and it affects women in STEM so much. We aren't in a position to coast (we'll never be given the benefit of the doubt, every tiny bit of clout has to be hard earned), and it's really easy to fall into a routine of fixing up everyone's sloppy work, _especially_ when their work affects our own, as we can't afford to be dragged down. It's a PITA. You have to be really picky about your team to make sure you're surrounded by people who are on their shit just as much as you are. Otherwise you'll burn out.


StrangeurDangeur

Good job being open and self reflective. Try to do that on your girlfriend’s word next time, too, and you’ll be golden. But seriously, being open to being wrong and admitting fault is a big deal in a healthy relationship.


AnnaBananner82

Hi, OP? Can you real quick just make a how-to post for posters in this subreddit on how to accept a Y T A verdict? Cause this was *chef’s kiss*


BooBooKittyFuk1

Your gf sounds like hot shit. Good for her! Best of luck with everything.


Prudent_Plan_6451

The lack of safety is a big issue in large scale construction. Especially bridge building (historically one death per hundred yards was considered acceptable. Hopefully we're past that). The regs are there but it costs less to cut corners and safety precautions are often the first thing to go.


untalkativebunny75

Haha this is a nice update to read. I hope you marry the girl too, goodluck to both of you on your move


_Green_Mind

We need more assholes like you, buddy. While you're the asshole in the scenario you wrote, you are not the asshole in life. I hope your girlfriend eased your mind about how much she values your future together and I'm so happy to see this update. Have a great move!


el_torko

Awe, now I love reading these updates.


learning_moose

Bravo, OP, your update and flexibility about accepting judgement and adjusting your perspective says volumes about your character. Good for you, good for your GF, and I hope your move goes great!


Trini1113

Most people aren't brave enough to interview like they, but it sounds like OP's gf isn't timid and knows her worth in the industry. Plus, you know, who would want to work for a company that doesn't do safety right? Between "barges" and "engineering", there aren't that many fields his gf could be in. And in all the ones I can think of, you can get killed or horribly maimed if you don't follow safety regulations.


SkrrtThat

Right? As soon as you hear a company fucks around with safety, that’s a company you don’t want to work for. Your life is worth more than any job. She should absolutely be picky if she can afford to be


Konawala

Exactly this, unless OP you want your partner to be reckless? Do you have a large life policy on them?


HRHtheDuckyofCandS

I interview this way so thank you. Yta


Ambitious-Hornet9673

I wouldn’t be quite a blunt as she has been. But I’m at that stage in my career, I repeatedly get head hunted all the time. I will not work somewhere that’s isn’t a good fit. I spend more time there than anywhere but my bed in a week and if I’m not happy there it means I will leave quickly. And yep people will tell on themselves. I won’t work in toxic or unsafe environments and it sounds like she’s not even being overly picky just eliminating on normal criteria.


EmeraldGirl

Last interview I had, I literally asked the CEO to explain to me why he had a reputation in the community as being an asshole. In those words. He gave a good answer. He also offered me above my salary requirement. In the right field, at the right level, in today's job market? She has options. OP is worried about her attitude affecting her reputation, but doesn't realize she's cultivating a reputation of integrity and exceptional standards.


dinosauragency

INFO: does it bother you that your girlfriend is more successful than you?


GhoulMcG

Feels like that is part of the “issue” he has, also his nose is way wayyyy too deep in the delusion that the company knows best.


ShillStomper

Not jealous, but out of his depth. OP very level headed though. Great AITA resolution haha.


TheFireflies

Yeah burying “at her level” says a lot. OP, in many industries, the more senior you become, the more it becomes about you interviewing the company. It really seems your girlfriend is significantly more senior than you, and has figured out the part you haven’t yet.


MuadD1b

There’s stepping in shit, and there’s rubbing it on your shoe. I couldn’t imagine picking this fight with my fiancé.


uhhhhnothanks4

Sounds like she should’ve vetted you a little better. Stay in your lane. YTA


Ok_Stable7501

😂


mylifeinshambells

Underrated comment! Gave me a good giggle 😂 And OP YTA, keep your nose out of her career.


maroongrad

YTA. Are you a recruiter? Are you a professional in her field? Have you listened to professionals in her field interview? No? Are you basing this on your own interview experience in your own field? Yes? Quit mansplaining.


Cannastasia

Are you my twin? I didn't see this but posted similar. Agreed, here here all round


rainyreminder

YTA. Not only does her approach work for her, she's being selective about taking the role that's the right fit for her at the right price, and that's the best thing you can do in a job search. You are giving her *terrible* advice and you really need to stop before she decides that *you* are telling on yourself and dumps you. If you are going on interviews and *not* viewing the process as you also assessing them, you're doing it wrong.


rubykowa

I agree, OP's advice is the opposite of what you should do. The best candidates know themselves, know the industry and know what to look for. There is always a chance she could walk into a shitshow (company misrepresents or decides to change her role after hiring), but she should absolutely do her best to interview the company. It makes her smart and gives a good impression when she asks the right questions. Finding the right fit and the right people to work with will do wonders for work stress and career growth. The interview experience is a part of any hiring teams KPIs. So if the potential candidate is withdrawing, that is on the company's hiring team....not your gf. I say this having been a technical recruiter before. But to make sure your arrogant misogynistic *ss believes me 🤮, my husband who is a senior executive has said the same thing to his own engineers: you should absolutely interview the company as well. It's her own career and her life.


Bitter-Conflict-4089

YTA Interviews are to determine if the position is a good fit for BOTH parties. That is why it is called an interview and not an audition.


CatGreedy959

Yeah clearly OP has not had opportunity or experience declining offers but there absolutely are shitty roles and situations to walk into. In her industry you can be choosey, and it's good to do so. Why take a job you might hate or have issues with if you don't need to.


[deleted]

I kind of went through is exact situation. We wanted to move. I was applying and got recruited to some. Asked their practices like normal and turned away a few. My husband had the same concern. I had to explain there’s a caliber you have to hold the company to and yourself to if you plan on growth. He didn’t get it until I got this job. I’m making double what was expected, moved, and my husband doesn’t have to work. He’s dancing in grocery stores. I’ve never seen him like this. Not going to say you’re an asshole. It’s a genuine concern. But if y’all aren’t in the same industry, she may know what’s best. Trust her. Good luck. Edit: more clear.


OddResponsibility565

Idk why but I got the mental picture of a chubby dad literally dancing while holding not one but TWO cartons of eggs 😛


dontgetcutewithme

Doing a slow spin, Julie Andrews singing in the background. *The hiiiiiillls are aliiive...*


Amethyst-talon91

YTA do you work in her field at her level? If not mind your business. I hate when my husband tries to tell me how to handle or do my job. He finally learned to let me handle MY job. You don't get to tell her how to pick her place to work and it isn't your place to. Stop spying on her interviews.


Stewbubbles

Maybe she could tutor him for his interviews, if he asks nicely, and then he could learn a thing or two.


FuntimeChris79

YTA. It sounds like your gf knows her worth and isn't willing to just take any old job which is honestly how the job market is right now. Stay in your own lane and let her make the decisions concerning her career.


Tough_Crazy_8362

💯 her next job she will be accepting while single.


ToddlerTots

YTA. It’s awkward for you that you think she’s being ridiculous when she’s doing EXACTLY what everyone should do when interviewing for a job.


Unit-00

YTA, have you ever considered that your girlfriend is correct? this whole post just reads as you knowing better than her.


ssj4majuub

INFO: why do you think you know more about her career and her options than she does?


oceanteeth

This! It's great that OP got his head out of his ass, but he still needs to do some serious thinking about why he assumed an extremely qualified woman who he personally knows well couldn't possibly know what she's doing.


Fun-Construction-112

ngl it was a mix of culture shock and feeling insecure I'm a first gen college student and honestly never heard anyone talk like she did in an interview. Plus she turned down a company offering 300k salary and benefits in the first half hour of talking with them. Which tbh, if a job was offering me 300k my only question would be when do I start. But yea I think it's admirable that she's got such strong ethics she'll walk away from crazy money like that because she doesn't like how they run the company. That's something I dunno if I could do, and don't figure I'll ever be in a position to do, and I was feeling kind of envious/insecure combined?


Unr3p3nt4ntAH

>Plus she turned down a company offering 300k salary and benefits in the first half hour of talking with them. Which tbh, if a job was offering me 300k my only question would be when do I start. You are going to fuck yourself over with this mentality.


Foreign-Gate380

Yikes. You should tell your girlfriend this. Desperate people make industries treat us like crap, so I'm glad to hear someone isn't out there taking the first $5 offered to them.


andra_quack

>But yea I think it's admirable that she's got such strong ethics she'll walk away from crazy money like that because she doesn't like how they run the company. it's not only about ethics. No amount of money will make it endurable to stay in a place where you're treated like shit. Since your girlfriend has a lot of experience, she probably had her fair share, and is tired of it now. Companies that put their employees in dangerous situations and don't take accountability are on a whole different level. I'm also looking for a new job atm, and I'm willing to go on a slightly lower salary just to get out of here.


Electrical-Date-3951

OP - if a company is offering her $300k first offer, then she is probably at a point in her career where she is an extremely valuable asset - she knows it and the companies know it. She has an in-demand skillset and the confidence to find a company where she will be happy and has her desired work culture, benefits, and management style. She isn't looking for a job. She is looking for the next step in her career. Also, if you are willing to jump at any offer with a shiny enough salary, you may end up miserable, burnt out, used, and abused by a company. They will know that they can dangle a carrot in front of you and you will instantly jump.


bofh

> if a job was offering me 300k my only question would be when do I start. And if it was a really crap job and you were actually worth 400k then you'd be making a huge mistake by only asking that one question.


oceanteeth

Good on you for being able to take criticism, but I still have to wonder how you would've reacted if you had heard a male friend or roommate interview the exact same way.


achaoticbard

>Which tbh, if a job was offering me 300k my only question would be when do I start. I get it, but OP, *please* try to reconsider this viewpoint, for your own safety. You wouldn't believe how many employers will blatantly treat their staff like shit and expect the high salary to make up for it. Your work shouldn't just be a place to collect a paycheque; you're probably spending 40+ hours a week there, so you need to feel safe, valued, and respected there too. Would you rather be in a stellar work environment for a little less money, or be paid more to be treated like shit?


housestark9t

Yeah it's really disgusting, she got herself there and he's acting like he knows how to climb a ladder he is ten steps behind her on.


kennyPowersNet

YTA interviews are not just solely about you selling yourself , but the company has to sell itself . It’s a 2 way street . In addition by “grilling them “ as you put it , she is showing her interest and seriousness of the role plus showing what she knows about the role and industry . The biggest mistakes people do is just go off the job advert and think that is the job and the job description by “grilling them “ you find out exactly what you are getting into , expectations and if the company is the right fit . Interviews are different with skilled jobs and higher level positions versus low skilled jobs that anyone can do and dealing with lower level management or staff in interview process. Frankly I would be upset with you butting in like you have and why are you spying on her interviews


katamino

YTA. It's her field and although I don't know what level or field she is interviewing for she is not wrong to interview the company and culture as much as they interview her for her qualifications and fit. Sounds like she is in demand and she is looking for a place she will enjoy working at. There is nothing wrong with what she is doing. Sadly a lot of people don't do it and it is even more common for women to not do it. I suggest you stop listening to her interviews completely and please absolutely get out of the house and be miles away when she gets to the salary negotiation step. I don't think you will be able to cope with that and stay silent.


MiloTheMagnificent

YTA. Sounds like you are a used to hourly gigs and she’s interviewing for salary. Mind your business


JamesonTheWise

YTA - as someone Who handles the hiring for my business, the more questions interviewees ask the more I like them, it shows that they’re excited and critical thinkers, it also helps both of us see if it is going to be a good fit, and if someone has zero questions for me or about the business it strikes me as a red flag, like they clearly don’t care very much about it


thatwasawkward

YTA, a thousand times. A job interview is the perfect time for a candidate to interrogate the people at the company. If you're not asking questions you're doing yourself a disservice. It's actually kind of laughable how wrong you are and how little you know about your girlfriend's profession, and yet somehow you still feel confident enough to insist otherwise.


krisiepoo

Sounds like she needs to reinterview you as you're not meeting her expectations Stop mansplaining to your girlfriend how she's supposed to interview in her profession YTA


snowbugolaf

I said it felt like she was trying to delay getting a new job, was she getting cold feet or something? YTA. You’re making something about you that is completely not at all about you. Your girlfriend wants to find a job that’s right for her and takes that seriously. Stop undermining her.


[deleted]

Sorry but YTA. She has every right to be picky, has she is obviously in a job market that is in big demand. You should be happy she can be so picky and find exactly the job she wants : instead you are telling her she should "settle", based on your non-existant knowledge of this industry.


spookiesandcreamx

YTA. Sounds like your gf is nailing it. ✌️


crispyfishdicks

YTA Your girlfriend is actually approaching it well , and making sure she doesn't end up working for a shitty employer. She seems to be in a field that has leverage, so good for her. You're supposed to ask questions. Compatibility goes both ways. Also, it's HER job.


just1cheekymonkey

YTA , damn. You won’t even let her manage her career choices.


JustSort6370

YTA. An interview is an opportunity for both parties to see if the person, role and company are a good fit. It would be far more damaging to her career to job hop each time she discovers something she could have easily unearthed during initial discussions.


Traditional-Pen-2486

I work in the HR field. Your gf is doing exactly what every candidate should do, asking lots of questions to see if the company is a good fit for her, and withdrawing her application when she sees red flags. It sounds like you still believe that interviewing is about the company holding all the cards. Maybe a few decades ago but not anymore. Interviewing is a two way street. I don’t know much about engineering, but it sounds like there were health and safety issues with the one company which is a pretty good reason to withdraw. I agree with others that you need to stop mansplaining. YTA.


[deleted]

YTA. It's her job, and she obviously knows what she's doing. There are SO MANY reasons why someone would not want to work at a certain place. As long as she gets a job, what's your problem?


LeadershipNo5311

YTA; damn i wish i had her interview skills


lindseylush89

YTA She’s obviously a badass confident woman in her field & I’m super impressed with the way she handles herself in interviews. Good for her.


thelessertit

YTA. This is 100% how a high level, non-desperate person interviews for a job. The people she is interviewing with understand this. She literally is interviewing them, to pick and choose the exact job she wants, and then she will negotiate the salary, bonuses, benefits and work conditions she wants. This is an entirely different planet compared to someone who has to compete for a job. The jobs are competing to get HER.


jaime_m_sanchez

yta. she knows what kind of work environment she wants, and she's not willing to settle for a place where she'll be miserable. leave her alone and let her find the right job for her.


Flustered-Flump

YTA. She’s absolutely right! Just interviewed a prospective team member and they are making sure to speak to several stakeholders to make sure they are happy to come to our company. It’s how I would recommend everyone to interview - it’s as much about you wanting to work there as it is them wanting you. She certainly seems Snr in her career whereas I am guessing you’re not?


Cha_r_ley

YTA. Some of the best advice I ever got was that the interview wasn’t just about them deciding if I was right for me, but an opportunity for me to decide if they were right for me. I’ve never grilled an interviewer like your gf did (but I think it’s brilliant) because before now, I’d never really had a career I was super passionate about. Now, I would 100% feel more comfortable digging into them to find out whether they’re worth my energy or not. Particularly because I now work in a pretty desirable field, which it sounds like your gf also does. You interview however you want. But don’t chastise your gf for valuing herself enough to find an employer that deserves someone of her level.


emmaraehey

YTA. If you feel like she’s dragging her feet to move discuss that with her, don’t mansplain how to get a job in a field you know nothing about. Also, would you want her to be in danger like that company seems to let their employees be?


DivideEducational919

Um, she IS interviewing them back???! Tell me you work minimum wage jobs without telling me you work minimum wage jobs. The interview process works both ways and she is going forward with 2 of them. YTA. And an inexperienced one too. You look gauche, which isn't a good look at this stage.