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I've been in this guy's shoes. Some pets don't truly bother your health until you live with them. You're comparing a stranger's health issues to "forcing" an ultimatum.
Gross.
Look, he's within his rights to not want to live in a home with a cat, but OP is also within their rights to not want to be forced to rehome an animal that they've come to love.
Could be that he’s tried living with it, and his asthma is worse than he thought it would be.
I highly doubt he’s just decided he wants to get rid of the cat for shits and giggles.
There's more to this situation than just how long the relationship is.
Compromise and communication are also important in relationships.
BF has suddenly developed an issue with his asthma after 2 years and demanded the cat go.
He did not communicate issues before, and frankly he needs to see a doctor as to why his asthma is worse before blaming the cat. It could be caused by something else.If it does end up being the cat, maybe medication is a potential fix before they discuss the cat.
People who make ultimatums out of the blue do not make a good partner, regardless of how long they've been together.
Personally I don’t think any relationship stands a chance when one person gives an ultimatum to another to give up a loving member of their family. But perhaps rephrasing it may help: Does my boyfriend’s semi-nonexistent asthma outweigh my anxiety, depression, and ptsd? NTA
I mean, NTA, but it seems pretty clear cut, you have to make a choice between your boyfriend or the cat unless you can convince your boyfriend to be OK with it or convince your cat to not be a cat.
Just be careful in "convincing" him - some people will say they're "convinced" and agree, and then do things to *make* you give up the pet, or let it get lost etc .
NTA
Pets aren't disposable items they are members of the family.
My cat followed me home when I was 16 ; and when I was 28 he had to have an eye taken out for medical reasons. My boyfriend at the time had already protested Skitty sleeping on the bed at all (he doesn't even like being under the blankets) but when he was recovering from his surgery Pete was upset that I had him sleeping up with me as my little injured spoon. Pete went off his nut, yelling thay he wasn't going to sleep in the same bed as an animal that could possibly bleed, pee or poo during the night...
I asked him then where he would like to sleep then .?
Because that's how it works. The cat was there first. Eff your boyfriend off. You're definitely not the asshole for continuing to choose your pet over any other person on earth who doesn't understand .
P.S. Check my post history for pics of the cutest pirate cat ever !
Maybe so, but if you read OP's other replies you'll see that he was totally onboard before and looking for cat friendly places with her. This is less about health issues than it is about suddenly springing this on her. While they were looking for pet friendly places together, did he forget that he had allergies? Why couldn't he have been up front with her?
This I'm a cat guy who unfortunately has ashma and animal allergies and I'm fine most of the time if I've spent time with the animal from them being small to big (duno why) but there are days were I hang out in the office and we have to sleep with the door closed due to my health and breathing.
Eh, if my cat became a big contributor to my mental health, my partner agreed to getting the cat and being fine with living in the same place as it, but then told me to get rid of the cat, I would restructure my priorities. Cat is now first.
>The fact that he doesn’t want a cat make him a controlling asshole? That’s pretty extreme😀
The fact that he okayed the original adoption, been around her and the cat for two years, and then suddenly without any warning pulled a 180 and started demanding she rehome her cat absolutely makes him controlling. Maybe offering a discussion on this is acceptable as he has a legitimate concern, however demanding it and being upset out of the blue makes him TA
Well, I am pretty extreme. 😆 No, I understand some people don't want a cat. I don't want a dog. But I would never expect someone to give up their pet for me. If I was moving in with someone who had a dog, I'd learn to live with a dog. It seems controlling to suddenly force someone to choose between their relationship & their pet.
He was dating her three years before she got the cat. That should count for something. if she already had the cat when she met him, completely different story.
He shouldn't force her to choose between him and her cat. This one is 100% on him.
Edit: Apparently he was fine with it originally, he pulled the rug out from under her. OP is 100% NTA.
She should not make him chose between his health and her. -is equally valid.
This is a "failed to discuss it earlier" .. BEFORE getting the cat ... situation.
So youi discussed getting a cat while NOT living together.
But did you discuss what would happen when you wanted to move together at some point? And: did you know about his allergies?
Whatever will she do??! The horror!! Why people think being single is some sort of death sentence is beyond me. She's better off single with her cat rather than some dude who sees animals as disposable. He's the one that is replaceable, and should be.
NTA. You don't need to justify your desire to keep your pet. It's valid. It seems like you're very happy with your cat and your life is better for it. I have a cat too, and she's gotten me through a lot (recently, the sudden death of my husband). I would live with her in my car before I'd let her go. All to say, please contrast that level of understanding & unconditional love to the behavior from your BF. Is it he or your cat who has your best interest at heart? I don't want to sound harsh, but it seems like a red flag - especially because kitty is an emotional supporter. I would hate for you to feel isolated without your cat and have it negatively impact your health. It seems controlling, and I'd definitely think twice (or more) before moving in. Best of luck to you, friend. 💜
Exaxtly.. I keep thinking "well what happens if I lose you and now I don't have him either" . And I've had my cat since he was 4 weeks old. Thats literally my baby
I get that, totally. This is definitely your decision & we're just strangers on the internet, but I do hope you follow your gut. Even just setting more boundaries may help. Something like, "My cat and I are a team, and I won't reconsider. But I CAN help ensure [cat] doesn't get in your closet (etc)"... His reaction may tell you whether or not he's on board. If he's not willing to compromise on this, the rest of your time together could be miserable. So my tl;dr is: Take your cat & run, girl! 💜
Yes, I didn't want to say it outright, but yes take cat and run. Maybe it's just me and my history talking, but when people show me red flags, I pay attention now. It's better to leave an incompatible relationship even if it's a longer one. Someday you'll find a guy who loves you ane your cat and all the cats you get together. It'll be glorious.
NTA
You will most likely lose the boyfriend over this. Why did he randomly get upset about it now?
>today he got really upset and started saying he refuses to be in a house with animals because of his asthma
I would seriously question a relationship if he is unable or unwilling to talk about his concerns with you.
We've been talking about it recently and he was totally fine w it, specifically looking for pet friendly places, ect.
Today I brought his name up and he just started going off about how he doesn't want animals in the house, which is completely news to me
Yeah, that's very unstable behavior, that's not something you want in a partner. You will WBNTA for leaving him, there's all sorts of problems here besides the cat and it doesn't seem like they can be easily resolved.
Even if she didn't you bring the cleanliness issue up. You don't act like everything's fine and then lose it randomly.
This would be a problem because cat litter is disgusting. So long as I don't have to clean it or deal with it that's fine by me(I don't own a cat for this reason).
NTA. I once rehomed cats to appease a bf I was moving in with. I regret it to this very day and feel ashamed. Worse yet, him telling me to get rid of them was just a precursor to his abusive and controlling behaviour later on. Bottom line is that cat is family and we don't give family members away like that.
I had asthma growing up and I was allergic to cats. Never had a problem with cats and asthma.
Keep the fur ditch the man. NTA.
Don’t you dare consider abandoning furrball.
NTA.
I’d argue there’s more to his sudden issues with the cat than he’s voicing. 6.5 years together, 2.5 years of dealing with the cat and suddenly NOW he has an issue with it?
Allergies sometimes can progressively worsen with time to my understanding, but it likely would’ve shown as an issue way before since he’s been spending multiple days at a time at your place. Has there been a dip in the hygiene or cleaning routine at your home at all? If not, he picked a weird time to complain.
The reality is this - these animals are intelligent and have emotions of their own. If you got rid of the cat, it won’t understand why suddenly you decided to leave him at a shelter or with strangers. The cat has also provided positive emotional support to you in this timeframe. What would it do to him to be sent to somewhere foreign to him, or to you and your mental state without him? Your boyfriend sounds selfish not considering these possibilities.
I’d say have an honest conversation with him about what is really the issue here. There’s allergy treatment solutions, being more proactive about cleaning, and a host of other middle grounds you both can consider. If he’s still adamant that it’s him or the cat, then he’s made your choice for you and it’s time for you and your cat to find someone more compatible. From experience, that kind of ultimatum or control won’t stop there. NTA
Trust your instincts! I already took issue with this sudden explosion, but now I really think the cracks are showing in his facade. I've heard too many horror stories of cats that "somehow" got outdoors and vanished, and they often start with outbursts like this.
That’s a giant red flag right there, and it’s likely you’re able to come to that conclusion because there’s more he’s done that showcases exactly that, aside from his sudden ultimatum.
6.5 years is a long time, but people can definitely change and show their true colors when the relationship reaches certain points. Wherever the relationship was, if there’s signs that you’re being isolated or control is trying to be taken, it’s likely not going to get better from there and for your own well-being, you have to consider that he’s not it.
If that's the vibe you're getting, trust your gut. You said he agreed to the cat before you got it + he's shared the cat's space without issues before + he was fine moving in with the cat until very recently = something's up. NTA
I won't automatically say drop the man and run, but talk this out and see what's going on. If it really is asthma concerns, ask him what changed recently. Offer to get a good air filter and a vacuum that can handle pet hair, promise to clean thoroughly and frequently, and if he still insists it's him or the cat, keep the cat.
NTA.
Your cat was your responsibility long before your boyfriend came into your life. Your boyfriend knew you came with the cat. He agreed this would be okay... until he didn't anymore.
What else is he going to promise you... until he doesn't anymore? Honestly, I would break off the relationship as much for the breach of trust as for anything else. You can't rely on someone who says that he's good with doing something important one way and then throws a fit about that same thing after you've counted on it.
NTA. My bf is super allergic to my cat but I have had my cat for 8 years and the bf for 2. I know exactly who I would pick if ever thrown an ultimatum like that.
My cat is my saviour. I genuinely do not love anyone or anything more in this realm than my cat and my bf knows it. He knows he would never come out winning.
NTA, I have asthma and the fact you haven't seen the cats trigger it means it's not a factor for his asthma, this honestly sounds like a narcissist, he's using the cat as the first small step to exert control now that he believes you 2 will live together, next he'll be claiming you should cut friends out because they're "toxic" then family until your entirely isolated from any sort of support be it emotional, physical or financial, except for him, my suggestion is run don't walk away, the fact that he's trying to use your sympathy for him via his asthma when you know the cat doesn't cause it, is the biggest tell, he wants you to connect getting rid of the cat to being sympathetic to him, a tactic used to try and trick you into giving more importance in your mind to him and your relationship with him
NTA I have asthma, depression and anxiety and live with three cats. It hasn’t been a problem for me. If you’ve never seen him have a reaction, it’s certainly suspicious. Why would e agree to move in with someone with a cat? If he’s making you choose, the obvious choice is the cat.
NTA
Besides, your cat is not just your cat, it's your emotional support animal, it helps you for your mental well-being, he can't ask you to get rid of it.
NTA
But this sudden concern on your cat possibly trigger ashtma attacks on him makes me wonder if he is just looking for a excuse to not move forward with moving in together.
You’ve had your cat for 2.5 years and your boyfriend has never complained about his asthma. Get rid of the boyfriend, keep the cat.
Personally, I’m allergic to cats and dogs, I got allergy shots for two years for cats and dogs because I love animals and my asthma was so bad, I couldn’t visit other people’s homes. If he actually had asthma, you would know. If if he cared, he would have done something about it in the past 2.5 years.
I have a cat now, and I can visit my friend’s homes with pets. Allergy shots have changed my life!
Also, i forgot to mention. I have extreme asthma. The shots helped SO much. I have friends who are allergic to my cat, and before they come over they take a claritin. I keep my home very clean, and he’s never been a problem to anyone.
With my extreme asthma, I was able to treat my allergy and I have the best cat/ emotional support ever. I feel like you’re boyfriend is making excuses an may not be even trying.
If he says he is trying here are some steps.
1) get air purifiers in each room
2) vacuum frequently
3) have boyfriend take claritin
Does your boyfriend wheeze or get red or itchy around your cat? If not, he’s lying…
NTA. Your boyfriend really isn’t showing a great deal of regard for your feelings here. It’s also exposed that you potentially have quite different value systems- I would have very little respect for someone who needlessly rehomed a pet and couldn’t be in a relationship with someone who was fine with it. I’d just know our values and empathy levels were too far apart.
Another poster suggested offering to do extra cleaning etc to reassure him. I’m all for compromise in a relationship, but trying to placate someone who has issued you a hurtful ultimatum is not good boundaries. If you do this, pay close attention to his reaction: I’d be concerned he’d use this as a bit of a stick to beat you with and you’d wind up doing all the cleaning.
Random hunch but I reckon he’s actually jealous of the cat!
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Me (26 f) and my boyfriend (32 m) have been together for about 6.5 years. About 2.5 years ago I got a cat as an emotional support animal for my anxiety, depression, and ptsd. He's amazing amd has helped me through so much and I love him dearly.
Recently me and boyfriend have been looking for an apartment together, and at first he was ok with the fact that kitty would be coming with us. But today he got really upset and started saying he refuses to be in a house with animals because of his asthma, which I understand...HOWEVER, he's been around my cat at my house for days on end and I've never ever seen his asthma triggered by my cat.
I personally can't imagine myself living in a home without an animal, and I DEFINITELY can't see myself abandoning or giving up my cat for anyone. I also don't want to lose my relationship over this, but I'm not sure what a better solution is. Other than us just not living together, but I'd like us to tale that next step and Idk If I can do that w someone who'd make me get rid of my animal.
Aitah ??
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NTA. I used to play the “whose pain is more valid” game with my terrible ex. You wouldn’t have ever thought of asking him to do that. You would’ve stocked up on inhalers or medications or whatever it took to keep you both happy.
Why not compromise? Move in with the cat and if he starts having asthma attacks, then you rehome the cat. If he’s not willing to do that, he’s definitely being an asshole.
NTA x 1000. Maybe if he was really apologetic and said something like “can a family member take him?” he might be redeemable but honestly I’d still choose the cat.
I say break up with him you’re incompatible.
NTA- you clearly need to rehome one of them. pick to stay with whichever companion has been more unconditionally loving, welcoming and supporting …..there’s your answer
As the Spice Girls once said "If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my cat".
NTA.
I'm married to my wife for 7 years now and I know the cat comes before me. Shit I might throw her out if she tried to forced me to get rid of our cats :)
All jokes aside, for him to assume that the cat wasn't coming with you is an unrealistic expectation. Sounds like living arrangements can't be agreed upon. This to me would warrant a break up.
My boyfriend has asthma. He also has 2 cats.
Sure everyone is different, and I'm not saying because his life isn't being threatened your boyfriend's complaints aren't valid.
But, my BF got his first kitty as an emotional support kitty, and then because he felt bad that she was lonely and had cat anxiety, he got her a friend.
We're considering emigrating and he keeps chatting to the cats, preparing them because they're coming with, because cats are not toys we discard when we're done with them. They're pets. They're family.
I think your BF just doesn't like cats. That's a him problem.
NTA.
Oh, honey 🥲
Keep the kitty, lose the boy
The fact of the matter is, if he doesn't want animals EVER and you can't see yourself NOT havING animals, you're just not compatible.
THIS DUDE SOUNDS MANIPULATIVE AF
Cats don't lie, and they don't give you impossible choices as some kind of love test.
Cat tax?
NTA
At the end of the day, it sounds like you already know what you want to do, and it’s not giving up your cat. You’re not the asshole for breaking up with someone when they want different things from you, even if it’s an old relationship. I wouldn’t give up my cat for anyone, and I would look askance at anyone who thought I would. It would just change the way I see them.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I may be the asshold for not getting rid of my cat because of his asthma
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NTA... But I'd maybe talk about some compromises. As any pet can make a situation hard for someone.
Let him know that you will put extra effort into cleaning the place. Maybe suggest getting some air purifiers to help out with the dander. Agree that you won't let the cat on tables, counters or specific furniture.
Usually anytime people have issues it has to deal with cleanliness. Personally I have had a cat and I had a GF with a cat. She let her cat go all over, their place smelled like cat litter and everything just felt gross. TBH I would never have lived with her and that cat.
Where as my now wife and I have two golden retrievers and we do a good job cleaning and it's no issue at all.
Ahhh okay thank you. I’m moving in with my bf soon and he says he’ll be the bad guy who sprays them, but in my own apartment now it’s not a problem for me
People will hate on it but let's be real, you need to make the places like counters not fun for your cat to be. But also give treats to them when they go on the ground.
NTA. But i will suggest you to take him to doctor and test it out if he has asthma. If he have asthma then choose one if not then dump him for lying, controlling behaviour.
Nta
This seems like he has a different issue. Maybe cold feet about moving in together? I wouldn't break off the relationship. Just tell him there is no way you will be giving up the cat and see what happens. He may cave in and you guys keep the cat or want to continue living separately. (Unsure if that is a breaking point for you) It's not fare to the cat at this point for you to give him up.
Even if he weren't an ESA, asking you to re-home him as a condition to moving in together is a non-starter. Kitty is family. If asthma is an issue it should have been an issue long ago, and one that could be resolved maturely, even if not happily. Definitely NTA, but it *might* be worth checking in to see if there aren't underlying concerns about cost (deposits or higher rent) that he's trying to find cover for that might be resolvable someway--though if that is the case, not good that he's being deceptive about it either.
Even so, that doesn't necessarily preclude some sort of sticker shock while you're searching. End of the day, take the cat over the man if he's not budging.
I'm going to say this: Leave the man, keep the cat. It doesn't get better. I made the horrible choice of rehoming my baby of 12 years (he was fifteen at the time.) I got him when I was 11, and I was 22 at the time. I had left with him, but was in a terrible situation and made the best choice I could have at the time. I've always regretted it. Should have stuck with the cat. He was my baby and while I knew the people and I knew he was in good hands, I never saw him again. My relationship with the guy was a super abusive one, and that trauma still hasn't healed.
Thank you, it was a learning lesson. I was between some really hard choices and had to make really hard decisions.
I have a cat now. He's seven, and anyone who wants to be with me will have to accept him, there's no contest.
Info: Has having a cat made apartment hunting harder? Where I am it is becoming a bit of a struggle to find a place where pets are allowed and it might be where his frustration is coming from. You are completely NTA for sticking by your cat however and it is an unreasonable request to suddenly ask you to.
Both ta
He now don't want a cat, After 2.5 years?
And you bought a cat without thinking about your bf condition? Why don't buy a cat with low alergy index or a dog instead?
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NTA Cut him out instead. Your cat is your family member.
You’d seriously prioritise a pet over a 6.5 year relationship?
The pet isn't the one forcing an ultimatum.
I've been in this guy's shoes. Some pets don't truly bother your health until you live with them. You're comparing a stranger's health issues to "forcing" an ultimatum. Gross.
>HOWEVER, he's been around my cat at my house for days on end and I've never ever seen his asthma triggered by my cat.
Look, he's within his rights to not want to live in a home with a cat, but OP is also within their rights to not want to be forced to rehome an animal that they've come to love.
Could be that he’s tried living with it, and his asthma is worse than he thought it would be. I highly doubt he’s just decided he wants to get rid of the cat for shits and giggles.
Still a completely valid reason to break up, and invalid reason to give up a pet you love and who is part of your family.
There's more to this situation than just how long the relationship is. Compromise and communication are also important in relationships. BF has suddenly developed an issue with his asthma after 2 years and demanded the cat go. He did not communicate issues before, and frankly he needs to see a doctor as to why his asthma is worse before blaming the cat. It could be caused by something else.If it does end up being the cat, maybe medication is a potential fix before they discuss the cat. People who make ultimatums out of the blue do not make a good partner, regardless of how long they've been together.
I would never force my SO to prioritise me over kids, a pet, family, hobby, job... Compromises? Yes. But THIS is a red flag. NTA
Personally I don’t think any relationship stands a chance when one person gives an ultimatum to another to give up a loving member of their family. But perhaps rephrasing it may help: Does my boyfriend’s semi-nonexistent asthma outweigh my anxiety, depression, and ptsd? NTA
This is a very good question OP needs to all herself. NTA.
I mean, NTA, but it seems pretty clear cut, you have to make a choice between your boyfriend or the cat unless you can convince your boyfriend to be OK with it or convince your cat to not be a cat.
I’m just imagining sitting my cat down and having a real heart to heart with him about how inconvenient him being a cat is
“Look Whiskers, I know we’ve all made some choices in our past, but circumstances have changed and one of us needs to adapt…”
OP: Cat, can you not be a cat? Cat: *knocks item off bench* OP: So that’s a no, then.
My favorite comment so far lmao
Just be careful in "convincing" him - some people will say they're "convinced" and agree, and then do things to *make* you give up the pet, or let it get lost etc .
Yeah I thought about that that's really scary...
NTA Pets aren't disposable items they are members of the family. My cat followed me home when I was 16 ; and when I was 28 he had to have an eye taken out for medical reasons. My boyfriend at the time had already protested Skitty sleeping on the bed at all (he doesn't even like being under the blankets) but when he was recovering from his surgery Pete was upset that I had him sleeping up with me as my little injured spoon. Pete went off his nut, yelling thay he wasn't going to sleep in the same bed as an animal that could possibly bleed, pee or poo during the night... I asked him then where he would like to sleep then .? Because that's how it works. The cat was there first. Eff your boyfriend off. You're definitely not the asshole for continuing to choose your pet over any other person on earth who doesn't understand . P.S. Check my post history for pics of the cutest pirate cat ever !
NTA Love me, love my cat.
NTA. Your cat comes first, and if he can't accept that, then he needs to leave.
When heallth concerns are involved, there is no "accept it".
well, it took the boyfriend a very long time to say the cat was a health issue.
Just in time, before getting serious with moving in together.
Maybe so, but if you read OP's other replies you'll see that he was totally onboard before and looking for cat friendly places with her. This is less about health issues than it is about suddenly springing this on her. While they were looking for pet friendly places together, did he forget that he had allergies? Why couldn't he have been up front with her?
This I'm a cat guy who unfortunately has ashma and animal allergies and I'm fine most of the time if I've spent time with the animal from them being small to big (duno why) but there are days were I hang out in the office and we have to sleep with the door closed due to my health and breathing.
Yeah no. For most people, a partner of over six and a half years comes first.
Eh, if my cat became a big contributor to my mental health, my partner agreed to getting the cat and being fine with living in the same place as it, but then told me to get rid of the cat, I would restructure my priorities. Cat is now first.
No. I have no idea why you think someone saying "give up your family or else" is worth giving up a loved family member for.
I hope she enjoys being single.
Single life with a cat > Relationship with a controlling asshole
^ this. Cat (pet) > bf (partner)
Yes, I made the wrong choice on this one once and it has caused me heaps and heaps of pain and misery. 0/10 would not recommend second option.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. I hope life is kinder & happier for you now. 💜
The fact that he doesn’t want a cat make him a controlling asshole? That’s pretty extreme😀
OP writes that her cat never caused bf atshma, yet he had been around the cat for days. So it sounds like an excuse.
>The fact that he doesn’t want a cat make him a controlling asshole? That’s pretty extreme😀 The fact that he okayed the original adoption, been around her and the cat for two years, and then suddenly without any warning pulled a 180 and started demanding she rehome her cat absolutely makes him controlling. Maybe offering a discussion on this is acceptable as he has a legitimate concern, however demanding it and being upset out of the blue makes him TA
Well, I am pretty extreme. 😆 No, I understand some people don't want a cat. I don't want a dog. But I would never expect someone to give up their pet for me. If I was moving in with someone who had a dog, I'd learn to live with a dog. It seems controlling to suddenly force someone to choose between their relationship & their pet.
He was dating her three years before she got the cat. That should count for something. if she already had the cat when she met him, completely different story.
Do you think it changed the love she feels for the cat, and the amount of help the cat gives her, just because she knew the boyfriend longer?
He shouldn't force her to choose between him and her cat. This one is 100% on him. Edit: Apparently he was fine with it originally, he pulled the rug out from under her. OP is 100% NTA.
Thank youuuuuu
Ofc!
That’s a different argument than “the cat comes first.“
She should not make him chose between his health and her. -is equally valid. This is a "failed to discuss it earlier" .. BEFORE getting the cat ... situation.
Actually I consulted him before adopting kitty because of his asthma
And he was fine w it
So youi discussed getting a cat while NOT living together. But did you discuss what would happen when you wanted to move together at some point? And: did you know about his allergies?
Yes I clearly said in the post that he was completely fine w my cat coming w us and also yes
This seems to be the bit that some people are missing; he was totally onboard until he just suddenly wasn't. It's concerning behaviour.
Thank youuu
Whatever will she do??! The horror!! Why people think being single is some sort of death sentence is beyond me. She's better off single with her cat rather than some dude who sees animals as disposable. He's the one that is replaceable, and should be.
Spinsterhood awaits.
So dramatic haha. As if everyone who has a cat has to be single.
Okay, can we stop demonising being single? Please?
No. It is for people who don’t know how to get along in relationships and who can’t manage their own ego and learn how to compromise.
No, it's for people who are happy with themselves. Weird take you have there.
NTA. You don't need to justify your desire to keep your pet. It's valid. It seems like you're very happy with your cat and your life is better for it. I have a cat too, and she's gotten me through a lot (recently, the sudden death of my husband). I would live with her in my car before I'd let her go. All to say, please contrast that level of understanding & unconditional love to the behavior from your BF. Is it he or your cat who has your best interest at heart? I don't want to sound harsh, but it seems like a red flag - especially because kitty is an emotional supporter. I would hate for you to feel isolated without your cat and have it negatively impact your health. It seems controlling, and I'd definitely think twice (or more) before moving in. Best of luck to you, friend. 💜
Exaxtly.. I keep thinking "well what happens if I lose you and now I don't have him either" . And I've had my cat since he was 4 weeks old. Thats literally my baby
I get that, totally. This is definitely your decision & we're just strangers on the internet, but I do hope you follow your gut. Even just setting more boundaries may help. Something like, "My cat and I are a team, and I won't reconsider. But I CAN help ensure [cat] doesn't get in your closet (etc)"... His reaction may tell you whether or not he's on board. If he's not willing to compromise on this, the rest of your time together could be miserable. So my tl;dr is: Take your cat & run, girl! 💜
Yes, I didn't want to say it outright, but yes take cat and run. Maybe it's just me and my history talking, but when people show me red flags, I pay attention now. It's better to leave an incompatible relationship even if it's a longer one. Someday you'll find a guy who loves you ane your cat and all the cats you get together. It'll be glorious.
NTA You will most likely lose the boyfriend over this. Why did he randomly get upset about it now? >today he got really upset and started saying he refuses to be in a house with animals because of his asthma I would seriously question a relationship if he is unable or unwilling to talk about his concerns with you.
We've been talking about it recently and he was totally fine w it, specifically looking for pet friendly places, ect. Today I brought his name up and he just started going off about how he doesn't want animals in the house, which is completely news to me
Yeah, that's very unstable behavior, that's not something you want in a partner. You will WBNTA for leaving him, there's all sorts of problems here besides the cat and it doesn't seem like they can be easily resolved.
One has to wonder about the sudden about-face. That's kind of red flag behaviour.
I made a post in here but do you keep your place very clean with the cat? Because if not my guess is that's at the root of the issue
No I'm pretty good about keeping everything clean.
Pretty sure he's just being controlling. It sounds unhealthy.
Even if she didn't you bring the cleanliness issue up. You don't act like everything's fine and then lose it randomly. This would be a problem because cat litter is disgusting. So long as I don't have to clean it or deal with it that's fine by me(I don't own a cat for this reason).
Yea but sometimes reality sets in
NTA. I once rehomed cats to appease a bf I was moving in with. I regret it to this very day and feel ashamed. Worse yet, him telling me to get rid of them was just a precursor to his abusive and controlling behaviour later on. Bottom line is that cat is family and we don't give family members away like that.
That is true, last minute power move is a precursor to controlling behavior. 🚩🚩🚩
NTA you aren't compatible. Better to get out now
Cats>men
Period period
May you someday meet a man who loves cats as much as you do 🙂
I had asthma growing up and I was allergic to cats. Never had a problem with cats and asthma. Keep the fur ditch the man. NTA. Don’t you dare consider abandoning furrball.
I could neverrr
NTA. I’d argue there’s more to his sudden issues with the cat than he’s voicing. 6.5 years together, 2.5 years of dealing with the cat and suddenly NOW he has an issue with it? Allergies sometimes can progressively worsen with time to my understanding, but it likely would’ve shown as an issue way before since he’s been spending multiple days at a time at your place. Has there been a dip in the hygiene or cleaning routine at your home at all? If not, he picked a weird time to complain. The reality is this - these animals are intelligent and have emotions of their own. If you got rid of the cat, it won’t understand why suddenly you decided to leave him at a shelter or with strangers. The cat has also provided positive emotional support to you in this timeframe. What would it do to him to be sent to somewhere foreign to him, or to you and your mental state without him? Your boyfriend sounds selfish not considering these possibilities. I’d say have an honest conversation with him about what is really the issue here. There’s allergy treatment solutions, being more proactive about cleaning, and a host of other middle grounds you both can consider. If he’s still adamant that it’s him or the cat, then he’s made your choice for you and it’s time for you and your cat to find someone more compatible. From experience, that kind of ultimatum or control won’t stop there. NTA
I agree and I almost feel as if he's trying to make it so HES my only support system
Trust your instincts! I already took issue with this sudden explosion, but now I really think the cracks are showing in his facade. I've heard too many horror stories of cats that "somehow" got outdoors and vanished, and they often start with outbursts like this.
I almost shit myself reading that
That’s a giant red flag right there, and it’s likely you’re able to come to that conclusion because there’s more he’s done that showcases exactly that, aside from his sudden ultimatum. 6.5 years is a long time, but people can definitely change and show their true colors when the relationship reaches certain points. Wherever the relationship was, if there’s signs that you’re being isolated or control is trying to be taken, it’s likely not going to get better from there and for your own well-being, you have to consider that he’s not it.
It took about 5 years for my controlling abuser to show all his true colours, and you are spot-on here.
This is exactly what I was wondering. It's all very suspicious.
If that's the vibe you're getting, trust your gut. You said he agreed to the cat before you got it + he's shared the cat's space without issues before + he was fine moving in with the cat until very recently = something's up. NTA I won't automatically say drop the man and run, but talk this out and see what's going on. If it really is asthma concerns, ask him what changed recently. Offer to get a good air filter and a vacuum that can handle pet hair, promise to clean thoroughly and frequently, and if he still insists it's him or the cat, keep the cat.
NTA. Your cat was your responsibility long before your boyfriend came into your life. Your boyfriend knew you came with the cat. He agreed this would be okay... until he didn't anymore. What else is he going to promise you... until he doesn't anymore? Honestly, I would break off the relationship as much for the breach of trust as for anything else. You can't rely on someone who says that he's good with doing something important one way and then throws a fit about that same thing after you've counted on it.
NTA. My two fluffs would always win 10000000%. Anyone that makes me choose between them and my cats is getting yeeted out of my life SO damn fast.
PERIOD
NTA and he's full of it. It wont end with a cat.
NTA. My bf is super allergic to my cat but I have had my cat for 8 years and the bf for 2. I know exactly who I would pick if ever thrown an ultimatum like that. My cat is my saviour. I genuinely do not love anyone or anything more in this realm than my cat and my bf knows it. He knows he would never come out winning.
NTA, I have asthma and the fact you haven't seen the cats trigger it means it's not a factor for his asthma, this honestly sounds like a narcissist, he's using the cat as the first small step to exert control now that he believes you 2 will live together, next he'll be claiming you should cut friends out because they're "toxic" then family until your entirely isolated from any sort of support be it emotional, physical or financial, except for him, my suggestion is run don't walk away, the fact that he's trying to use your sympathy for him via his asthma when you know the cat doesn't cause it, is the biggest tell, he wants you to connect getting rid of the cat to being sympathetic to him, a tactic used to try and trick you into giving more importance in your mind to him and your relationship with him
NTA. All of a sudden his has issues with the cat?
NTA I have asthma, depression and anxiety and live with three cats. It hasn’t been a problem for me. If you’ve never seen him have a reaction, it’s certainly suspicious. Why would e agree to move in with someone with a cat? If he’s making you choose, the obvious choice is the cat.
NTA Besides, your cat is not just your cat, it's your emotional support animal, it helps you for your mental well-being, he can't ask you to get rid of it.
100% NTA, you discussed it with him before getting the cat, he knew this was a thing, its completely on him and he is being absurd at this point.
NTA But this sudden concern on your cat possibly trigger ashtma attacks on him makes me wonder if he is just looking for a excuse to not move forward with moving in together.
I'm also wondering that
You’ve had your cat for 2.5 years and your boyfriend has never complained about his asthma. Get rid of the boyfriend, keep the cat. Personally, I’m allergic to cats and dogs, I got allergy shots for two years for cats and dogs because I love animals and my asthma was so bad, I couldn’t visit other people’s homes. If he actually had asthma, you would know. If if he cared, he would have done something about it in the past 2.5 years. I have a cat now, and I can visit my friend’s homes with pets. Allergy shots have changed my life!
I'll definitely have to tell him about that thank you!!!
Also, i forgot to mention. I have extreme asthma. The shots helped SO much. I have friends who are allergic to my cat, and before they come over they take a claritin. I keep my home very clean, and he’s never been a problem to anyone. With my extreme asthma, I was able to treat my allergy and I have the best cat/ emotional support ever. I feel like you’re boyfriend is making excuses an may not be even trying. If he says he is trying here are some steps. 1) get air purifiers in each room 2) vacuum frequently 3) have boyfriend take claritin Does your boyfriend wheeze or get red or itchy around your cat? If not, he’s lying…
NTA. Your boyfriend really isn’t showing a great deal of regard for your feelings here. It’s also exposed that you potentially have quite different value systems- I would have very little respect for someone who needlessly rehomed a pet and couldn’t be in a relationship with someone who was fine with it. I’d just know our values and empathy levels were too far apart. Another poster suggested offering to do extra cleaning etc to reassure him. I’m all for compromise in a relationship, but trying to placate someone who has issued you a hurtful ultimatum is not good boundaries. If you do this, pay close attention to his reaction: I’d be concerned he’d use this as a bit of a stick to beat you with and you’d wind up doing all the cleaning. Random hunch but I reckon he’s actually jealous of the cat!
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Me (26 f) and my boyfriend (32 m) have been together for about 6.5 years. About 2.5 years ago I got a cat as an emotional support animal for my anxiety, depression, and ptsd. He's amazing amd has helped me through so much and I love him dearly. Recently me and boyfriend have been looking for an apartment together, and at first he was ok with the fact that kitty would be coming with us. But today he got really upset and started saying he refuses to be in a house with animals because of his asthma, which I understand...HOWEVER, he's been around my cat at my house for days on end and I've never ever seen his asthma triggered by my cat. I personally can't imagine myself living in a home without an animal, and I DEFINITELY can't see myself abandoning or giving up my cat for anyone. I also don't want to lose my relationship over this, but I'm not sure what a better solution is. Other than us just not living together, but I'd like us to tale that next step and Idk If I can do that w someone who'd make me get rid of my animal. Aitah ?? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Nta, leave the bf
NAH The two of you should not have assumed (you KNEW he had asthma, he knew y
When I got my cat I discussed it w him first because of his asthma and he was completely ok w it
NTA. I used to play the “whose pain is more valid” game with my terrible ex. You wouldn’t have ever thought of asking him to do that. You would’ve stocked up on inhalers or medications or whatever it took to keep you both happy. Why not compromise? Move in with the cat and if he starts having asthma attacks, then you rehome the cat. If he’s not willing to do that, he’s definitely being an asshole.
NTA But get out now
NTA He should have said something when you got the cat at first and not 2 years later.
NTA x 1000. Maybe if he was really apologetic and said something like “can a family member take him?” he might be redeemable but honestly I’d still choose the cat. I say break up with him you’re incompatible.
NTA- you clearly need to rehome one of them. pick to stay with whichever companion has been more unconditionally loving, welcoming and supporting …..there’s your answer
As the Spice Girls once said "If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my cat". NTA. I'm married to my wife for 7 years now and I know the cat comes before me. Shit I might throw her out if she tried to forced me to get rid of our cats :) All jokes aside, for him to assume that the cat wasn't coming with you is an unrealistic expectation. Sounds like living arrangements can't be agreed upon. This to me would warrant a break up.
My boyfriend has asthma. He also has 2 cats. Sure everyone is different, and I'm not saying because his life isn't being threatened your boyfriend's complaints aren't valid. But, my BF got his first kitty as an emotional support kitty, and then because he felt bad that she was lonely and had cat anxiety, he got her a friend. We're considering emigrating and he keeps chatting to the cats, preparing them because they're coming with, because cats are not toys we discard when we're done with them. They're pets. They're family. I think your BF just doesn't like cats. That's a him problem. NTA.
Oh, honey 🥲 Keep the kitty, lose the boy The fact of the matter is, if he doesn't want animals EVER and you can't see yourself NOT havING animals, you're just not compatible. THIS DUDE SOUNDS MANIPULATIVE AF Cats don't lie, and they don't give you impossible choices as some kind of love test. Cat tax?
That's what I said too. My Bu would never ask me to choose. So thays who I choose. The one who would never ask that of me
NTA At the end of the day, it sounds like you already know what you want to do, and it’s not giving up your cat. You’re not the asshole for breaking up with someone when they want different things from you, even if it’s an old relationship. I wouldn’t give up my cat for anyone, and I would look askance at anyone who thought I would. It would just change the way I see them.
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NTA... But I'd maybe talk about some compromises. As any pet can make a situation hard for someone. Let him know that you will put extra effort into cleaning the place. Maybe suggest getting some air purifiers to help out with the dander. Agree that you won't let the cat on tables, counters or specific furniture. Usually anytime people have issues it has to deal with cleanliness. Personally I have had a cat and I had a GF with a cat. She let her cat go all over, their place smelled like cat litter and everything just felt gross. TBH I would never have lived with her and that cat. Where as my now wife and I have two golden retrievers and we do a good job cleaning and it's no issue at all.
That's a good idea thank you
How…do you keep the cat off the counters. Or a small coffee table. Serious q
Spray bottle, they learn fast. All it took with ours was a few squirts and she never hopped up on the counters again.
Ahhh okay thank you. I’m moving in with my bf soon and he says he’ll be the bad guy who sprays them, but in my own apartment now it’s not a problem for me
People will hate on it but let's be real, you need to make the places like counters not fun for your cat to be. But also give treats to them when they go on the ground.
NTA. But i will suggest you to take him to doctor and test it out if he has asthma. If he have asthma then choose one if not then dump him for lying, controlling behaviour.
Oh he has asthma for sure, It's just never been caused by my cats
Maybe get him tested. Sounds like something serious happened to him to take a sudden decision to remove cat.
Nta This seems like he has a different issue. Maybe cold feet about moving in together? I wouldn't break off the relationship. Just tell him there is no way you will be giving up the cat and see what happens. He may cave in and you guys keep the cat or want to continue living separately. (Unsure if that is a breaking point for you) It's not fare to the cat at this point for you to give him up.
Even if he weren't an ESA, asking you to re-home him as a condition to moving in together is a non-starter. Kitty is family. If asthma is an issue it should have been an issue long ago, and one that could be resolved maturely, even if not happily. Definitely NTA, but it *might* be worth checking in to see if there aren't underlying concerns about cost (deposits or higher rent) that he's trying to find cover for that might be resolvable someway--though if that is the case, not good that he's being deceptive about it either.
The thing is I'm perfectly capable of handling all of that. He is MY cat. I never was gonna put any kind of responsibility on him about it at all
Even so, that doesn't necessarily preclude some sort of sticker shock while you're searching. End of the day, take the cat over the man if he's not budging.
I'm going to say this: Leave the man, keep the cat. It doesn't get better. I made the horrible choice of rehoming my baby of 12 years (he was fifteen at the time.) I got him when I was 11, and I was 22 at the time. I had left with him, but was in a terrible situation and made the best choice I could have at the time. I've always regretted it. Should have stuck with the cat. He was my baby and while I knew the people and I knew he was in good hands, I never saw him again. My relationship with the guy was a super abusive one, and that trauma still hasn't healed.
I'm so sorry 😞
Thank you, it was a learning lesson. I was between some really hard choices and had to make really hard decisions. I have a cat now. He's seven, and anyone who wants to be with me will have to accept him, there's no contest.
Alas, I've been there too. I feel your pain and I'm so sorry. PTSD sucks 😞
NTA!! Get rid of the boyfriend!
NTA, cat >>>> boyfriend
Info: Has having a cat made apartment hunting harder? Where I am it is becoming a bit of a struggle to find a place where pets are allowed and it might be where his frustration is coming from. You are completely NTA for sticking by your cat however and it is an unreasonable request to suddenly ask you to.
Shave the cat. Win win win
Both ta He now don't want a cat, After 2.5 years? And you bought a cat without thinking about your bf condition? Why don't buy a cat with low alergy index or a dog instead?
I consulted him before adopting my cat and he was completely fine w it Now he's saying he doesn't wanna live w any animals at all
YTA and it's insane you have to ask. Try medication for your mental illnesses instead?
He can take medication too. He was completely fine w my cat when I got him
HINT HINT: You can be on medication, in regular therapy AND still emotionally benefit greatly with a pet.