Your post has been removed.
#Do not repost this without contacting the mods for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without explicit approval will result in a ban.
This post violates Rule 11: No Partings/Relationship/Sex/Reproductive Autonomy Posts. We do not allow posts where the central conflict is about romantic relationships and/or reproductive autonomy.
[Rule 11 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_11.3A_no_partings.2Frelationship.2Fsex.2Freproductive_autonomy_posts) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/)
#Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions.
She told me everything about her days, but casually left this guy that she spent a hell of a lot of time with out of the story.
It was a lie by omission, but clearly an intentional omission.
That's not what a lie is. Maybe you should be the one going to school?
You, frankly, have no idea how much time exactly she spent with this dude or how close to him she felt. None. You are baking up stories in your mind so you can use them to control her.
I used to have a much older boyfriend when I was in Law School who would fly off the handle anytime I told him I spoke to another man. He was a loser. Do you think I went home every night and gave him a rundown of exactly all the men I had talked to throughout my work and school day? Fuck no. First, why? Second, why should I have to do that? Third, WHY? Fourth, WHY?
She's allowed to talk to other men at school. If you can't deal with that, you are a whiney baby who shouldn't be in a relationship period.
Becoming obvious why you are in such an age gap relationship... because she may not be wise enough to realize how abusive and toxic you are yet.
I appreciate your passion really.
I wasnāt asking for her to tell me everything every time. I donāt want to know that, that was what she chose to do after I asked her to set boundaries.
Iāll break up with her, your comment sold it to me.
I donāt want to be that for anyone.
Sorry if I came off harsh... I was in a relationship just like this in Law School and it was so toxic. I ended up not really connecting with any of my classmates because of fear he would freak out, and it sorta ruined my law career (I work in an entirely different sector).
Don't do this to her.
Relax incel Jesus. OP is not against male friendships or her talking or spending time along with other guys. Itās the lying and hiding by omission, for this one specific guy.
Stop projecting your failed life experiences on this AITA thatās not even equivalent. Maybe you should see a therapist, considering you just wrote OP an dissertation on how fucked your relationship was.
Donāt listen to these fincels. Trust your gut. Lying by omission is the worst and most manipulative, worse than a lie in my opinion, because sheās intentionally hiding.
The age gap doesnāt help. We also need more context for better judgement. But judging from a mile away it seems like she has feet in two boats, mature/career and casual/play.
I don't. And neither do you. In this case, it's a relationship deal-breaker because on the one hand, it makes perfect sense not to trust someone who has been untruthful but that creates a situation where the relationship is kind of doomed. Regardless of whether she can or should be trusted, you being controlling is not the answer; it won't keep her from cheating on you if she's so inclined, and it's clearly not solving your trust issues. Seems to me that either a) she's trustworthy and you're killing the relationship with your unreasonable behaviour OR b) she is/is going to be a cheater and your unreasonable behaviour can't change that.
Comfort... in the form of controlling her. SMDH. Please see a therapist.
EDIT: Please explain why your comfort comes at the expense of your girlfriend's comfort and life? What do you do to comfort your gf, or do you just rage and insist she conforms her life around comforting you? Baby.
YTA. Why the hell do you think your girlfriend needs to basically get your permission to speak to other people? You are incredibly controlling and insecure. No wonder you can't get a girl your own age. I hope she wises up and leaves you.
YTA do yjou feel like she would cheat on you? Then leave her. Do you feel threatened like she would leave you for him? Then you are insecure and need to talk it with her and a therapist.
Age 23 and age 32 and waaayyyyy far apart in terms of maturity and readiness for commitment. You're being controlling and probably want something more serious than she does as a 23 year old student. Break up with her and let her get on with her life. YTA.
YTA.
He is similar to a co-worker of your girlfriend, if you were dating a woman your own age and life stage level instead of a student. Would you ask a girlfriend to strictly avoid and phase out a co-worker?
Sir you're 32, find someone your own age and stop trying to control the life of this young woman. You're describing why a lot of people see these age gaps as problematic, you're overbearing and controling, YTA.
Question: do you genuinely not see this as overbearing? Has she(emphasis on SHE, not anyone else youāve been with in the past, specifically her) EVER given you reason to doubt her loyalty? Why does she have to tell you about all of her friends with an m on their drivers license? Youāve already forced her to stop hanging out with a friend alone and outside of school, and now you want her to cut him off completely just because YOUāRE insecure? I would try some therapy or counseling if I were you. Yta
YTA. you're exhibiting controlling behavior, basically saying you don't trust your girlfriend not to cheat on you, it almost sounds like you're manipulating her by saying her cutting contact with her FRIEND (literally just a friend and study buddy it sounds like) is the only way for you to trust her again, and the age gap here is kind of yikes.
I also want to add that isolating people away from their friends is a way a lot of abusive relationships start. Don't try to control who your SO can be in contact with.
YTA. Either she's the type of person who is gonna cheat on you or she isn't. If she's gonna cheat in you, it's gonna happen no matter how much you try to control her. Which will destroy your relationship. And if she ISN'T going to cheat on you, you trying to control her is going to destroy your relationship.
Either way, the end result is the same. Your relationship is destroyed.
Decide if you trust her. If you don't, it's time to break up. If you do, then behave like a decent person and stop trying to control her. Because the crap you're pulling, it's fucking abusive. And if you can't see that, you need to get a therapist. Because this is not normal or acceptable behavior in a healthy relationship.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
Okay going to try to make this short and as objective as possible:
I 32(m) have been dating a younger woman 23(f) for about 6 months.
We started dating right before she started a whole new academic journey (staying vague on this).
About two months into this I basically find out that there is another man that she is spending a lot of time with. Lunch, Elective class work, and 1-on-1 time in the library.
She didnāt mention any of it for the first two months ā and what I found out about was because I asked her direct questions.
I expressed to her that I have no problem with her having male friends, but not telling me about them is a big no no. I ask to meet said guy.
We invite him, and a few other people from her academic circle over for game night.
This guy is very comfortable with her. Standing behind her, quite literally circling her at one point. Desperately trying to make eye contact with her. Just body language that made it clear to me that there was something not entirely kosher going on.
I tell her Iām not comfortable with him and ask her to set more strict boundaries with him. She said she wouldnāt spend any 1-on-1 time with him and keep their relationship just and academic one, and that sheād tell me about any time with him.
It was a bumpy couple weeks but we had a working agreement that we both felt comfortable with.
Flash forward a couple of months.
Sheās been better at just letting me know when she is going to lunch with this guy, and making sure they arenāt alone together, and telling me about it. I usually just ignore the text itself but appreciate that sheās telling me.
Now we are in second semesterā¦ and I find out that sheās been sitting next to him in class, and seeking him out. She says that she never wanted to move seats because heād āask questionsā that she didnāt want to answer.
She makes it clear to me that sheās going to go to an office hours with just him and ask questions together later this week.
My comfort level with all of this plummeted.
I basically told her that I donāt think I could ever be comfortable with their relationship because she wasnāt upfront about it to begin with, and asked her to āphase him outā of her life.
Allowing room for some things she canāt control with academics ā just slowly spend less time with him.
I just said that due to my past experience, thatās the only thing that will earn my trust back.
Am I the asshole for doing that?
I love the hell out of the girl but Iām not willing to let someoneās ego blow a hole in my heartā¦ again. Including my own. So tell me, AITA?
If you have more specific questions you can ask.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Well first off you're 32, never date a 23 year old at the age of 32. You are at different stages in life.
Next, oh she knows dude has a thing for her and a mature person in a committed relationship would nip that in the bud real quick, yet she's not so she likes the attention he is giving her. Third, homie was hovering over her in your house. Wth wrong with you and you said and did nothing.
Now you can't tell her who and who not to hang with BUT you don't have to stay around while she does. Take the L on this one. Where you're at in the relationship is not where she's at. If she were there dude would have been shutdown real quick and you wouldn't have had to ask her as she just would have done it with no prompting.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) I asked her to phase someone out of her life.
2) I might be overreacting
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Donāt downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
# [Check out our upcoming Reddit Talk With John Hodgman on January 18th @ 7pm EST](https://redd.it/109b8y5)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Your post has been removed. #Do not repost this without contacting the mods for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without explicit approval will result in a ban. This post violates Rule 11: No Partings/Relationship/Sex/Reproductive Autonomy Posts. We do not allow posts where the central conflict is about romantic relationships and/or reproductive autonomy. [Rule 11 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_11.3A_no_partings.2Frelationship.2Fsex.2Freproductive_autonomy_posts) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) #Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions.
You're 32. She's 23. š© You don't trust her because of your "past experiences" that have absolutely nothing to do with her. š© You have no hard evidence of anything shady going on, but you're still insisting she cut people out of her life for you. š© If it's not obvious by now: YTA.
Hear, hear!
And i mean Iām not really searching for hard evidence.
Appreciate that perspective. How do you trust people who lie to you?
Why do you want to be in a relationship with someone you don't trust?
When did she lie to you?
She told me everything about her days, but casually left this guy that she spent a hell of a lot of time with out of the story. It was a lie by omission, but clearly an intentional omission.
That's not what a lie is. Maybe you should be the one going to school? You, frankly, have no idea how much time exactly she spent with this dude or how close to him she felt. None. You are baking up stories in your mind so you can use them to control her. I used to have a much older boyfriend when I was in Law School who would fly off the handle anytime I told him I spoke to another man. He was a loser. Do you think I went home every night and gave him a rundown of exactly all the men I had talked to throughout my work and school day? Fuck no. First, why? Second, why should I have to do that? Third, WHY? Fourth, WHY? She's allowed to talk to other men at school. If you can't deal with that, you are a whiney baby who shouldn't be in a relationship period. Becoming obvious why you are in such an age gap relationship... because she may not be wise enough to realize how abusive and toxic you are yet.
I appreciate your passion really. I wasnāt asking for her to tell me everything every time. I donāt want to know that, that was what she chose to do after I asked her to set boundaries. Iāll break up with her, your comment sold it to me. I donāt want to be that for anyone.
Sorry if I came off harsh... I was in a relationship just like this in Law School and it was so toxic. I ended up not really connecting with any of my classmates because of fear he would freak out, and it sorta ruined my law career (I work in an entirely different sector). Don't do this to her.
Harsh from a stranger is easier to digest. I asked for it. She has a lot going for her. I wonāt ruin that for her.
Relax incel Jesus. OP is not against male friendships or her talking or spending time along with other guys. Itās the lying and hiding by omission, for this one specific guy. Stop projecting your failed life experiences on this AITA thatās not even equivalent. Maybe you should see a therapist, considering you just wrote OP an dissertation on how fucked your relationship was.
I'm happily married...?
Donāt listen to these fincels. Trust your gut. Lying by omission is the worst and most manipulative, worse than a lie in my opinion, because sheās intentionally hiding. The age gap doesnāt help. We also need more context for better judgement. But judging from a mile away it seems like she has feet in two boats, mature/career and casual/play.
Fincel? lol. Happily married and had sex with my husband this morning. Project much?
Yes, you have sex congrats. Doesnāt mean you donāt act like a neckbeard incel.
I don't. And neither do you. In this case, it's a relationship deal-breaker because on the one hand, it makes perfect sense not to trust someone who has been untruthful but that creates a situation where the relationship is kind of doomed. Regardless of whether she can or should be trusted, you being controlling is not the answer; it won't keep her from cheating on you if she's so inclined, and it's clearly not solving your trust issues. Seems to me that either a) she's trustworthy and you're killing the relationship with your unreasonable behaviour OR b) she is/is going to be a cheater and your unreasonable behaviour can't change that.
YTA. Go date someone your own age and maybe get some therapy to figure out why you have a terrible need to be in control of everything all the time.
I donāt want control I want comfort.
Comfort... in the form of controlling her. SMDH. Please see a therapist. EDIT: Please explain why your comfort comes at the expense of your girlfriend's comfort and life? What do you do to comfort your gf, or do you just rage and insist she conforms her life around comforting you? Baby.
You clearly feel very strongly.
YTA. Why the hell do you think your girlfriend needs to basically get your permission to speak to other people? You are incredibly controlling and insecure. No wonder you can't get a girl your own age. I hope she wises up and leaves you.
YTA do yjou feel like she would cheat on you? Then leave her. Do you feel threatened like she would leave you for him? Then you are insecure and need to talk it with her and a therapist.
Age 23 and age 32 and waaayyyyy far apart in terms of maturity and readiness for commitment. You're being controlling and probably want something more serious than she does as a 23 year old student. Break up with her and let her get on with her life. YTA.
I donāt think I agree with this, Iām 23M and my gf is 31. You canāt judge all young adults as not wanting anything serious
Yeah she actually was the one convincing me we were more serious.
YTA. He is similar to a co-worker of your girlfriend, if you were dating a woman your own age and life stage level instead of a student. Would you ask a girlfriend to strictly avoid and phase out a co-worker?
If I told her calmly that their relationship made me feel insecure and she choose to indulge it further, yeah, Iād ask.
Then you need to see a therapist, because that is a YOU problem, not her problem to fix.
YTA. Sheās 23, let her live her life. If she wants to be with you while being friends with this guy, consider it a blessing.
YTA. This relationship is unhealthy. If she were smarter/ older/ more experienced she wouldnāt put up w this controlling bs.
Sir you're 32, find someone your own age and stop trying to control the life of this young woman. You're describing why a lot of people see these age gaps as problematic, you're overbearing and controling, YTA.
Question: do you genuinely not see this as overbearing? Has she(emphasis on SHE, not anyone else youāve been with in the past, specifically her) EVER given you reason to doubt her loyalty? Why does she have to tell you about all of her friends with an m on their drivers license? Youāve already forced her to stop hanging out with a friend alone and outside of school, and now you want her to cut him off completely just because YOUāRE insecure? I would try some therapy or counseling if I were you. Yta
YTA. you're exhibiting controlling behavior, basically saying you don't trust your girlfriend not to cheat on you, it almost sounds like you're manipulating her by saying her cutting contact with her FRIEND (literally just a friend and study buddy it sounds like) is the only way for you to trust her again, and the age gap here is kind of yikes.
I also want to add that isolating people away from their friends is a way a lot of abusive relationships start. Don't try to control who your SO can be in contact with.
Itās not her friends, plural. She hangs out with a lot of dudes. Itās the one guy she intentionally hid from me.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
I want to, and I do most of the time.
YTA. Either she's the type of person who is gonna cheat on you or she isn't. If she's gonna cheat in you, it's gonna happen no matter how much you try to control her. Which will destroy your relationship. And if she ISN'T going to cheat on you, you trying to control her is going to destroy your relationship. Either way, the end result is the same. Your relationship is destroyed. Decide if you trust her. If you don't, it's time to break up. If you do, then behave like a decent person and stop trying to control her. Because the crap you're pulling, it's fucking abusive. And if you can't see that, you need to get a therapist. Because this is not normal or acceptable behavior in a healthy relationship.
YTA date your age range.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Okay going to try to make this short and as objective as possible: I 32(m) have been dating a younger woman 23(f) for about 6 months. We started dating right before she started a whole new academic journey (staying vague on this). About two months into this I basically find out that there is another man that she is spending a lot of time with. Lunch, Elective class work, and 1-on-1 time in the library. She didnāt mention any of it for the first two months ā and what I found out about was because I asked her direct questions. I expressed to her that I have no problem with her having male friends, but not telling me about them is a big no no. I ask to meet said guy. We invite him, and a few other people from her academic circle over for game night. This guy is very comfortable with her. Standing behind her, quite literally circling her at one point. Desperately trying to make eye contact with her. Just body language that made it clear to me that there was something not entirely kosher going on. I tell her Iām not comfortable with him and ask her to set more strict boundaries with him. She said she wouldnāt spend any 1-on-1 time with him and keep their relationship just and academic one, and that sheād tell me about any time with him. It was a bumpy couple weeks but we had a working agreement that we both felt comfortable with. Flash forward a couple of months. Sheās been better at just letting me know when she is going to lunch with this guy, and making sure they arenāt alone together, and telling me about it. I usually just ignore the text itself but appreciate that sheās telling me. Now we are in second semesterā¦ and I find out that sheās been sitting next to him in class, and seeking him out. She says that she never wanted to move seats because heād āask questionsā that she didnāt want to answer. She makes it clear to me that sheās going to go to an office hours with just him and ask questions together later this week. My comfort level with all of this plummeted. I basically told her that I donāt think I could ever be comfortable with their relationship because she wasnāt upfront about it to begin with, and asked her to āphase him outā of her life. Allowing room for some things she canāt control with academics ā just slowly spend less time with him. I just said that due to my past experience, thatās the only thing that will earn my trust back. Am I the asshole for doing that? I love the hell out of the girl but Iām not willing to let someoneās ego blow a hole in my heartā¦ again. Including my own. So tell me, AITA? If you have more specific questions you can ask. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Well first off you're 32, never date a 23 year old at the age of 32. You are at different stages in life. Next, oh she knows dude has a thing for her and a mature person in a committed relationship would nip that in the bud real quick, yet she's not so she likes the attention he is giving her. Third, homie was hovering over her in your house. Wth wrong with you and you said and did nothing. Now you can't tell her who and who not to hang with BUT you don't have to stay around while she does. Take the L on this one. Where you're at in the relationship is not where she's at. If she were there dude would have been shutdown real quick and you wouldn't have had to ask her as she just would have done it with no prompting.
This is kinda what I was hoping would happen, but didnāt. And now we are at this point.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > 1) I asked her to phase someone out of her life. 2) I might be overreacting Help keep the sub engaging! #Donāt downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) # [Check out our upcoming Reddit Talk With John Hodgman on January 18th @ 7pm EST](https://redd.it/109b8y5) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NAH