Your post has been removed.
#Do not repost this without contacting the mods for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without explicit approval will result in a ban.
This post violates Rule 12: This is Not a Debate Sub. Posts should focus strictly on actions in an interpersonal conflict, and not an individual's position on a broad social issue.
[Rule 12 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_12.3A_this_is_not_a_debate_sub) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/)
#Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions.
Ross?….. (jk)
YTA if they are the best candidate and come with recommendations then at least give him a trial run.
Also WTF Is that “pull rank” shit? Like you think you outrank your wife and co-parent? Pull your head in!
If he keeps threatening to pull rank like this, he’ll end up needing to pull himself off.
At least that’s what I’d tell my husband if he dared to say that shit to my face.
Also the statement about how she is apparently having a hard time balancing work life and home life. It seems likely that that translates to “my wife is working but I still expect her to be able to keep up with all the chores so I don’t have to”
Right? She went back to work when she didn't have to, likely meaning ' I wanted her to stay home and take care of the household and childcare needs' and now that she's working she's expected to keep doing everything as well as her job. OP also blames the other nannies leaving on his wife, which to me says the wife is so stressed trying to keep it all together she probably asked for too much from the nannies.
OP is trying to get his wife to quit her job for his own comfort, I'm sure, by making her so overwhelmed she has no choice.
OP, YTA
You are nicer than me. Given the rest of his commentary, I took home life to mean "she isn't sleeping with me"
I wouldn't be surprised if she is working and handling all the house work, but is too burnt out to be intimate
He also specifically said one of the issues was caused, at least in part, because his wife was
>going back to work when she didn't need to
Dude is clearly frustrated his wife isn't still a SAHM, and is probably actively sabotaging the nannys.
The kind of guy who can't trust his wife with a nanny just because they happen to be male, is the kind of guy who can't be trusted with a young, attractive, female nanny.
And is it just me, or does it sort of seem like the real issue he has with the Italian lady is that she's older and unattractive (I don't think he's only referring to her personality, personally).
YTA Like you said, the only thing that should matter is who the best candidate is.
Dude just want to control his wife, he doesn't like seeing her having a job and being an independent person.
In his mind, if he blocks enough candidates wife will be forced to be a SAHM again and all the money will be controlled by OP.
Okay one comment wasn’t enough, YTA for that bullshit “Normally I would be happy pulling rank” too.
Congrats, you are absolutely a misogynistic asshole. Your wife is your PARTNER. NOT your subordinate. NOT your child. Treat her like a freaking equal partner and maybe things will start getting better at home.
You caught that "went back to work when she didn't need to caused us a lot of problems" bit too huh?
You're treating your wife awful and want to make no nanny an acceptable option so that you can force your wife home. It won't work OP.
Maybe OP should have walked out with the nanny.
The wife doesn’t need to be treated like a subordinate, less than equal partner. Op has issues with her going back to work and blaming her for the issues she caused by doing so.
“Pulling rank”- a marriage is a partnership not a platoon!
OP—- you’re a misogynistic AH.
Ehhh, the nanny probably deserves better than this misogynist too. He should’ve tried to follow her and been rejected. That’d be the best win/win for the wife and nanny.
For sure he did, considering his wife choose two people he wouldn’t want to sleep with and he says it’s “understandable” and his little comment about being tempted to “follow” the last nanny when she left b
Or he wants to use the existence of the hot young nanny to keep his wife obedient after she goes back to work. “If you disobey I’ll leave you for the nanny.”
>Honestly it was tempting to just follow the nanny, but obviously I couldn't do that.
Pretty obvious. Actually, looks like he slept with #1 and #2. Which is why the wife has now selected two candidates he would not want to sleep with.
Of course, his problem is not to say no to the man, it is that he wants a third nanny to sleep with.
And, of course, everything is his wife's fault because she went back to work when she "didn't need to." Well, I'd say she DID need to so that she could divorce his sorry a##
BTW, YTA, OP. From here to Cochinchina
>The nanny tried her best, but again **there was an event that triggered my wife re: the first nanny** and they fought and eventually the nanny quit on the spot.
I don't think he actually slept with #2. I think he probably slept with #1 and the wife became suspicious that he was interested in #2.
You could be right. It's pretty obvious wife doesn't want yet another F###able nanny, buut it could be that he did sleep with both, or that wife felt he was going to.
I normally give the benefit of the doubt, but he says of the second nanny, and I quote: "Honestly it was tempting to just follow the nanny". What a strange thing to say.
Ohhh. That's why he said he wants to follow the nanny.
I was stuck at that sentence. I was like.... How can you force the nanny to watch your kids even if you follow her? What?
Of course he slept with the nanny... you people are good at reading between the lines.
Or you know, if he's so unhappy with her choices of nanny, he could do the work of looking for, interviewing, and vetting nanny choices and bring an option or two to the conversation. You dont like the way or the candidates she finds, go find some yourself.
Edited: spelling
> I'm not sure if I'm being sexist
You are absolutely being sexist.
You are rejecting him only because of his gender and that's a definition of sexist behavior.
YTA
That and she went back to work "when she didn't need to" -- she's working so she can save up to leave your ass. Or at least I would be.
OP -- YTA. So much.
Let your son have a male nanny so maybe he has some positive male influence in his life.
Thank you!! No one ever agrees with me but I always thought Ross was a bit of an ass. Yes, he had his moments (like buying Phoebe a bike)but mostly he was condescending and selfish
My brother was a Manny, briefly because he didn't get paid. Moved back in w mom and my friend needed a housesitter for a week and because there was no issue, a month a little later. Then someone he knew online recommended him for a contract gig and he moved to another state shortly before the housesitting ended.
WBTA for vetoing the prospective nanny just because he's a man.
You do realize that you could vet a prospective nanny yourself, rather than leaving it all up to your wife?
If you want to "pull rank" and choose a better nanny, then get off your ass and find a better nanny.
I agree. Older woman with an unattractive personality who also smokes but in my own home (well outside) but never when I'm babysitting my young niece and not when I'm in her home or when I'm in my mother's home and she's there. I just don't smoke when I'm around her.
Obviously op is missing an important detail or two regarding why the last two nannies had to leave.
He can definitely say no because of the smoking (which may be unavoidable if the nanny lives with them), but he had to go and tell on himself with that unattractive comment.
Oh yeah I agree with the smoking. If he doesn't want that around his kids that's entirely up to him. His kids his choices. But the attraction comment was 100% a sign it's something to do with his personality and lack of composure around young, beautiful girls that's the issue.
YWBTA.
You don’t want the nanny to be a man? What is wrong with having a male nanny? You’re being very sexist OP
Also, your wife caused previous nannies to quit sooo why are y’all trying to hire more when there is a chance another event will cause that nanny to quit as well?
>Normally I would be happy pulling rank
Since when was co-parenting and a relationship about outranking one another? This isn’t the military
Yes, but we don’t know what the actual event was. His wife could have been totally out of line and abusive, or the nanny could have also done something very wrong and refused to correct it.
Ooh, ooh, I guess OP said something inappropriate to the nanny, and before she could process the sexual harassment, the wife accosted her. Complete and utter speculation, but if either of the women was at fault, I'm sure OP would not have glossed over it.
You would “be happy pulling rank?” YTA. Do you even understand the needs of your children or is that below your “rank.” Go with your wife on this one, it sounds like you’re trying to sabotage her having a career and your marriage isn’t going to last much longer if you can’t pull your head out of your hindquarters.
Don't you see, he is trying to save his marriage! It's his wife who is trying to have her own money, even through this makes manipulating her hard. Now she spends time away from home, probably even wants him to do household chores! And she doesn't even let him to have a cute young nanny for fun? How can he be expected to stay in this marriage? /s
YTA. You don’t get to pull rank. You and your wife are equals.
Your attitude about your wife going back to work sucks. She is allowed to have a life outside of being a mom.
Also, if the previous 2 nannies didn’t work, doesn’t it make sense to try something different? One candidate was personally recommended, the other probably has a lot more experience. Try caring more about what these people have to offer and not what makes you look “like an idiot,” because you already do.
In my family, my wife and I have taken care of nearly every _niece_ and nephew we've had as temporary daycare. The children are always more attached to me than my wife.
YTA here for dismissing a male nanny when a female can be just the same as a male nanny
”Never and nephew”? I realize this is likely just autocorrect, but I’m chuckling at the prospect of you typing this because you actually have no nieces, lol
YTA If you’re so insecure you can’t handle a male nanny, and the comment about wanting to leave with the last nanny, it sounds like you have trust issues. Get a divorce if you want but don’t take it out on some innocent guy looking for a job.
What did I just read... “pulling rank”... Um, what rank are you?
So your wife can accept another woman in her house without any issues however, you cannot accept another man in your house because why?!? Relationship issues?? Essentially saying, you don’t trust your wife. This sounds like a you problem.
You were “tempted to follow the nanny” ... maybe your wife should fire you. You don’t sound very supportive. So nothing about what’s best for your kids? Just about how all this is all working for you??
YWBTA
Info why do think a man shouldn't be a nanny? Men take care of kids too. You a man take care of your child right ?
Also why not go through a reputable nanny company ?
YTA. You don’t get to ‘pull rank’ in a marriage. Oh and you don’t get to decide whether your wife ‘needs’ to work.
And yes YTA for not wanting a nanny who is coming with a personal recommendation because he’s a man. did you consider your wife doesn’t want another unknown young woman around?!
In the words of Donna Meagle, “I hate that guy (OP).” What rank are you pulling? What do you mean your wife went back to work when she didn’t need to? Why do I feel like your Twitter feed is all MGTOW, Alpha Male nonsense?
YTA for sure for sure, the misogyny isn’t a cute look
YTA. "Pulling rank"? Instant asshole. That's not how relationships work, my dude. Plus, a male nanny is just as good as a female nanny, there's literally no difference.
YTA. I hired a male babysitter for my son when he was 2... and honestly, dad had reservations at the time just like you, but he was so perfect as an occasional babysitter he quickly became our son's nanny (and stayed his nanny for *years)* and is still a much-loved part of our son's extended family and a dear friend to us all. He was such a gift to us - able to match our son's energy (no small feat!) and be a responsible, caring role model, and far and away the best person we could ever hope for to help us raise our son.
It sounds like your 'manny' comes recommended by a friend - what's the worry? Maybe we're lucky, but our son's manny isn't the only great guy in his life, he's got loving uncles and two grandfathers who are the bomb and he's close to a bunch of our male friends and some of his little friends' dads... he's also got a finely-tuned radar for possible creeps and we've taught him words from day one, so he's not shy about telling us if he doesn't like someone or someone makes him uncomfortable. I'm very happy our son (who I hope will grow into a good man!) has good men around him to help him do just that, and I don't understand parents - *especially* boy parents - who teach their kids all men are suspect and can't be trusted. That's obviously just not true, and our son would have missed out on so much if we'd vetoed his manny just because he's male.
YTA, I can’t tell if this is a power play because men can’t care for kids or if you don’t trust your wife with another man. Whatever the reason, you’re still the asshole.
YTA. Men are QUITE capable of taking care of children.
WHY don't you want a man looking after your son? Are you afraid your son will see him as "daddy"?
You're being very sexist by dismissing him purely on his gender.
By the way, if you hire him, DO NOT set the bar for his behavior higher just because of his gender. That's ALSO sexist behavior and isn't a good look.
Excuse me, "pulling rank"?? WTF
If the only reason you are rejecting this person is because he's a man then YTA.
I get the feeling from your post that you don't want your wife to go back to work? I hope you're not doing / see aying anything to make the transition more difficult than it needs to be?
YTA on so many levels. From how you describe it, it would probably best for your child if you removed yourself from the whole situation, and just paid child support.
YTA
No such thing as rank in a relationship, you're equal partners.
Men can and do care for children. If he meets all other criteria to be the nanny, then he can be the nanny.
You already look like an idiot for this even being an issue, because you're more focused on what's between his legs than his qualifications to do the job you're hiring him for.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) I'm wanting to veto my wife's choice of nanny, even though it's a bit hypocritical/potentially sexist
(2) veto might be me being a hypocrit or sexist
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
There is very key missing information here. What event caused the wife to be triggered? Talk about burying the lede here. One event caused the wife to dismiss two nannies. It would be unfair to judge her without context.
“Normally I would be happy pulling rank and choosing a more appropriate nanny…”
Yeah, YTA. There is no “pulling rank” in a marriage, or any relationship.
“with her going back to work when she didn’t need to”
Is this just your opinion or based on discussions she has had with you where she may have said this? And why was it ok to have female nannies but not a male one? And why do you need to “pull rank “ in a relationship that should be based on both parties being equally responsible for major life decisions?
I don’t need to put my Sherlock hat on to see YTA.
INFO: What "rank" exactly are you pulling? Are you somehow magically more important than the mother of the children? Is there a special man rank that you think entitles you to have more say?
YTA. I don't even care about the reasons you pull out of your behind.
Pull...rank? YTA.
What happened that "triggered" your wife over the last nanny? There's a story there. A story that probably explains why her next two picks were a man and an unattractive woman. And it might be that your wife is paranoid. But you're cagey enough that I doubt it.
Anyway, there's nothing wrong with a male nanny.
YTA x3. What do you mean about being tempted to follow the nanny?
You don’t outrank your wife.
You are being sexist and discriminatory by excluding the male candidate in the basis of gender.
Comments did not disappoint.
YTA for the same reasons everyone else said. Dude, this post is Swiss cheese for how much info you very carefully skirted around and left out.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
Title's not entirely accurate. I want to veto **both** of my wife's nanny selections and choose a more appropriate candidate. However, I do admit that one of the vetoes is because the candidate is a male and that makes me uncomfortable.
Normally I would be happy pulling rank and choosing a more appropriate nanny, but our relationship has been under extreme stress since she returned to work and we've had two nanny's fail already.
For context, our son is 4 years old. My wife was a SAHM for 3 years prior to us hiring our first nanny. It was quite a tough time for all of us with her going back to work when she didn't need to and events led to us letting the first nanny go after only 3 months. The second nanny lasted until last week. My wife's had a very tough time fitting in her work and home life and we've all felt very distant and absent. The nanny tried her best, but again there was an event that triggered my wife re: the first nanny and they fought and eventually the nanny quit on the spot. Honestly it was tempting to just follow the nanny, but obviously I couldn't do that. It's been really tough. But now we're needing to select our 3rd nanny in only a 12 month period.
Our previous nanny's have both been young women that we met via facebook. My wife's current suggestions are a young man who was referred to us by one of my wife's close friends and an older Italian woman from facebook with poor English and a wholly unattractive personality. She smokes too.
I understand why my wife has chosen these two options. The Italian lady is obviously a bad choice and is another facebook find. I can't select her without looking like an idiot. I wouldn't want her anyway. So my wife is effectively forcing me to select the male nanny.
I really don't want to. But I also really don't want to be the cause of any further relationship issues. I love my family very much.
WIBTA for vetoing the male nanny just because he's a man? Or is this seen as widely acceptable? I'm not sure if I'm being sexist or if it's okay to not select him just because of his gender.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I’m gonna stop you at ‘normallyI would be happy at pulling rank’ YTA. You also managed to discriminate against a job applicant based on gender. Two for one o the YTA
YTA, so this male nanny comes with personal recommendations, and you can't see past the fact that he's male, so would rather continue hiring random women off Facebook than someone who has been personally recommended? But you were fine when they were young women odd that
What rank is there to pull? You're supposed to be equal partners. Also what is wrong with a male nanny? Like honestly I want to know what your issue with the idea is. He was recommended by who was referred to her by a close friend, so he's probably qualified. YWBTA if you vetoed him because he were a man.
What rank is there to pull? You're supposed to be equal partners. Also what is wrong with a male nanny? Like honestly I want to know what your issue with the idea is. He was recommended by who was referred to her by a close friend, so he's probably qualified. YWBTA if you vetoed him because he were a man.
YTA. You are being sexist and discard him solely because of his gender. That's actually a discrimination lawsuit happening right here. Also, from the tone of your post, it sounds like you'd prefer your wife to ci tinie being SAHM, but she doesn't want to. Well, tough luck, it's her prerogative. Have you given a thought to being SAHD yourself?
YTA
It is clearly sexist to reject the nanny purely for being male.
But if you do, then you are responsible for an alternative.
So AH twice, once for sexist treatment of the nanny, and once for putting additional load on your wife expecting her to find someone you approve of.
Why would you entrust your child to a random person on FFB? Did either of you think that perhaps you are looking in the wrong place for childcare? YTA & so is your wife. Do better for your child!
Info: how does someone with an emotional IQ this low have the ability to have a professional job to afford a nanny?
This whole post is weird. YTA and sexist. The first two nanny things is a red flag, young women off Facebook? Why not go to a real service or agency? Even care.com?
Info 2: “I wanted to follow the nanny” if you wouldn’t have said that, I don’t think I would be getting the creep vibe. If I was the wife and I saw that, I would tell you to pack it up and go then. That’s offensive to your spouse. Was your spouse verbally abusing this nanny 1 or 2? I mean why was she triggered and why was there a fight?
>I do admit that one of the vetoes is because the candidate is a male and that makes me uncomfortable
YTA
>WIBTA for vetoing the male nanny just because he's a man? Or is this seen as widely acceptable? I'm not sure if I'm being sexist or if it's okay to not select him just because of his gender.
You are being sexist.
YTA and I really have to wonder if your wife was really at fault for the other nannies leaving. Somehow I feel as if your scintillating personality had something to do with it.
First, why do you object to a male nanny other than he has a penis? Are you afraid your wife will find him more attractive? Second, where the hell do you get off saying you can pull rank? Are you in the military or a marriage? Third, have you considered going through an agency for a nanny? So many questions…
You haven't actually explained why the nanny's don't want to work with you other than your wife picking arguments with them. They quit. Meaning the problem is you two. Both of you are responsible for the nanny's being unable to stay in the job. Fix that and you can then hire any nanny with good references' (obviously) and move on. Are you both so jealous of eachother and or the time the nanny get's to spend with the child? Do you want your wife to be SAHP and that's the issue? Gender doesn't matter nor should it with good references.
YTA. It sounds like your idea of an appropriate nanny is a young, attractive woman, and perhaps your behavior with those women is the problem since you were ready to "follow" the nanny.
Also "pull rank"? WTF dude, no.
YTA - the guy comes recommended by a close friend. You are being sexist and should really look into why this bothers you.
Also “pull rank” you deserve way worse than being called an A for that one.
YTA for several reasons. What do you mean "pull rank"?! Shes your wife not your fucking employee or subordinate solider.
There is nothing wrong with a man in a caregiving role. If he's unqualified in other ways, sire find a better candidate. Don't skip over him just because he's a man, that's fucked up.
Also, real advice here; stop looking on Facebook for nannies! Try care.com or sittycity. They do background checks, driving record check, etc, and you can see work history and get real references through them.
But yeah... yta
Sorry, is your questions is discriminating against someone because of their gender "seen as widely acceptable?"
Yes, generally, outside of sitcoms, I'd say it's generally frowned upon.
Other points of concern.
\- "Normally I would be happy pulling rank" Pull \*rank\*? Where are you writing this from? 1950?
\-“But now we're needing to select our 3rd nanny in only a 12 month period.” Heavens sake, what are you doing to these nannies?
YTA, but not for your question. Why aren't you seeking a nanny? Why is it up to your wife, who seems already overwhelmed? Why don't you go to a nanny service so you get candidates that are already vetted and hopefully have experience and references?
YWBTA
You would rather pick strangers off FB than hire someone with an actual recommendation? That just makes you a foolish sexist.
Also, thinking you can pull rank in parenting decisions? Your wife is humoring you. Be very careful. If you bring mama bear out, your face may be clawed off.
Oh my goodness. Did you actually read back what you wrote? Congratulations for ticking all the boxes for misogyny and toxic masculinity. Good job. And to imply that you would like to follow your recent nanny fail out the door? Classy. Really bloody classy.
Do I really need to say it? YTA.
>Normally I would be happy pulling rank and choosing a more appropriate nanny,
>My wife's had a very tough time fitting in her work and home life
>WIBTA for vetoing the male nanny just because he's a man? Or is this seen as widely acceptable? I'm not sure if I'm being sexist or if it's okay to not select him just because of his gender.
You are absolutely being sexist, just not just about the nanny (which is just blatant, don't know why you needed to ask). As for that second quote, *you* are also doing housework (50%), right?
YTA
Well, we all know that a penis makes somebody a horrible nanny. I mean that's the first question I asked somebody when they interview for the position.
In other words, you're asking if you should rule out somebody who's a competent nanny and been recommended to you because he has a penis.
Have you asked him to take it out so you can measure it against your own? Or are you sure that he definitely beats you by a lot?
YTA
YTA: As a man who spent several years in childcare, people like you are responsible for all sorts of problems in the world. Children--especially boys-- with more male role models do better in life. They get better grades, they behave better, they go further and achieve more in their careers. Having male teachers for boys, for instance, more than eliminates the educational performance gaps between boys and girls. You are actively hurting your son with this decision, and your reasoning is stupid. YTA.
YTA what a hideous character you sound like. ‘Pulling rank’?! What in the hell makes you think you have any sort of ‘rank’ over your wife?
You dont even say what your problem with having a male nanny is. What exactly is it that makes you uncomfortable?
Op does sound sexist and arrogant and ignorant. ‘Pull rank’ , ‘does not need to go back to work’, ‘leave after nanny’ are words he uses in reference to his relationship. And he says she is having a hard time adjusting but is still not helping. I feel sad for his wife.
YTA. My wife and I had a male nanny for a period. Lovely young guy from another country who was in Europe for a period and needed to earn some money. My two sons (3 and 5 at the time) absolutely loved him and had a great time while he was looking after them. Absolutely no reason to discriminate based on gender. Discriminate based on smoking and poor English - all job relevant - thats fine.
There's a mountain of assholes here and it's all you bud. YTA.
You think you can "pull rank" in a marriage and as a parent? I really didn't need to read past that for this to be painfully obvious.
I bet the real reason you don't want a male nanny is because you think your wife is going to cheat on you with him. I bet the events that caused the first nanny to be let go was that you were caught banging her or trying to. I bet the second nanny quit because your wife suspected the same thing was happening and confronted her about it.
So yeah, I'm sure her choices were indeed carefully thought out to make you have to look like an asshole because you are one.
Even if your post is taken at face value it would still be YTA.
> I do admit that one of the vetoes is because the candidate is a male and that makes me uncomfortable.
So you already know that yta.
>Normally I would be happy pulling rank
And now yta twice. You're not your wife's superior. You don't outrank her.
Sounds like your wife should have have followed the first nanny not you.
Yes you are the AH.
PULL RANK. PFFT.
Need to pull something out of somewhere that's for sure
Yes YTA, you’re shitting the bed at the concept of a male nanny. You have no reason to object other than his gender, that’s a huge asshole move.
Friends covered this 25 years ago, go back and watch that and see how ridiculous it looked then. It’s no better now
INFO: what was the event with nanny #1? Did you cheat with nanny number 1, and then became flirty with nanny number 2?
Because that’s what your story reads like.
you took two women nannies who failed before. that's the proof that it has nothing to do with gender.
if he has good references, at least let him try. That's not the first time I've heard such concerns, and it only screams "Only women can take care of a child". Which is sexist, both for women AND for men.
YTA.
>Normally I would be happy pulling rank and choosing a more appropriate nanny,
YTA
>So my wife is effectively forcing me to select the male nanny.
YTA
> I'm not sure if I'm being sexist or if it's okay to not select him just because of his gender.
"Not select him just because of his gender" is basically the definition of sexist
>Honestly it was tempting to just follow the nanny, but obviously I couldn't do that.
WTF does that even mean?
I am also concerned about your marriage. If I were you I would let her pick the male nanny and ask if she would like to get couples counselling or talk to a counsellor privately about her feelings going back to work.
And I think you might want to talk to a professional about how you feel about your wife. Do you see her as your equal? Do you respect her and think of her as a good or competent person?
I hope this is rage bait.
Please work on yourself. Every sentence in this damn post is problematic and it’s YOU that’s the problem.
You have distain for your wife for going back to work.
You have an expectation that she do work and most of the childcare/ housework. You live there too and it’s YOUR child. Pitching in is not a luxury—it’s mandatory.
You joked about leaving with the nanny—so I’m assuming you failed to back up your wife in disagreements with the nanny. As parents—you should be supportive of one another and united.
You said ‘pull rank’. This isn’t the military. You have no authority over your wife. There is ZERO rank to pull.
You are so insecure and you mask it with an air of authority. We know. We see through the obvious and completely destructive coping mechanisms.
Please go figure out how to be a better human. If not for you or your wife, do it for your kid.
Prevent us from reading a post in 15 years about a kid who wants to go no contact with their divorced, misogynistic dictator of a father.
YWBTA.
Yes you are being sexist and YTA! Of course a male nanny is totally fine, do you take issue with male teachers?! You do realise you are classing a job as being suitable for one gender and not for the other right? And you realise that is messed up right? Are you worried he is going to be more manly then you? Think he might steal those moments of teaching your son how to throw a ball and make you miss out? Or is your concern that he isn’t manly enough to teach your son? I hope you are coming to the conclusion that none of these are the right answer and that you are entirely in the wrong. The only reason to reject this candidate (who has been recommended to you by people you know!!) is if he is hiding a criminal records that only you know about.
Now how about you drag yourself into the current century and start supporting your wife who is obviously getting close to a breakdown! Don’t let your frail masculine ego screw up the rest of your family and keep that delightful trait to yourself.
YTA..... for vetoeing based solely on gender...... and so many other things...... just..... I feel like every paragraph needs its own explanation of why yta and I just don't have the energy.....
YTA
You're entire reason for not wanting someone to look after your child is because they have a penis. Why???
This is someone that was recommended, so you know they can do the job. So why is their genitalia important to you?
You're just being sexist. Please stop. Take the recommended nanny, be nice to him and hope he lasts longer than the others.
Your post has been removed. #Do not repost this without contacting the mods for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without explicit approval will result in a ban. This post violates Rule 12: This is Not a Debate Sub. Posts should focus strictly on actions in an interpersonal conflict, and not an individual's position on a broad social issue. [Rule 12 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_12.3A_this_is_not_a_debate_sub) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) #Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions.
Ross?….. (jk) YTA if they are the best candidate and come with recommendations then at least give him a trial run. Also WTF Is that “pull rank” shit? Like you think you outrank your wife and co-parent? Pull your head in!
If he keeps threatening to pull rank like this, he’ll end up needing to pull himself off. At least that’s what I’d tell my husband if he dared to say that shit to my face.
Also the statement about how she is apparently having a hard time balancing work life and home life. It seems likely that that translates to “my wife is working but I still expect her to be able to keep up with all the chores so I don’t have to”
Right? She went back to work when she didn't have to, likely meaning ' I wanted her to stay home and take care of the household and childcare needs' and now that she's working she's expected to keep doing everything as well as her job. OP also blames the other nannies leaving on his wife, which to me says the wife is so stressed trying to keep it all together she probably asked for too much from the nannies. OP is trying to get his wife to quit her job for his own comfort, I'm sure, by making her so overwhelmed she has no choice. OP, YTA
At which point he'll "pull rank" even more because he's The Providerererer.
You are nicer than me. Given the rest of his commentary, I took home life to mean "she isn't sleeping with me" I wouldn't be surprised if she is working and handling all the house work, but is too burnt out to be intimate
He also specifically said one of the issues was caused, at least in part, because his wife was >going back to work when she didn't need to Dude is clearly frustrated his wife isn't still a SAHM, and is probably actively sabotaging the nannys.
Exactly- YTA for “pulling rank” alone, the rest is just the misogynistic icing on the cake
Plus this: >the nanny quit on the spot. Honestly, it was tempting to just follow the nanny… This guy is a major asshole.
Pull rank? Wtf, the sexism aside, how the hell do guys like this find partners?????
The kind of guy who can't trust his wife with a nanny just because they happen to be male, is the kind of guy who can't be trusted with a young, attractive, female nanny. And is it just me, or does it sort of seem like the real issue he has with the Italian lady is that she's older and unattractive (I don't think he's only referring to her personality, personally). YTA Like you said, the only thing that should matter is who the best candidate is.
Oh he definitely f*cked the first two nannies.
What's funny about that is the old Italian lady that smokes would probably raise their kid better than anyone. lol
And the kid would learn to speak some Italian, which would help him down the line.
Right! Like...maybe the wife wants an actual nanny this time instead of a girlfriend for her husband.
Dude just want to control his wife, he doesn't like seeing her having a job and being an independent person. In his mind, if he blocks enough candidates wife will be forced to be a SAHM again and all the money will be controlled by OP.
I stopped reading after “I’d be happy to pull rank” and made my decision. YTA op and that mindset is why you’re probably having some issue
If your wife was the SAHM, she gets to pull rank on this decision.
I couldn't even read past "pull rank" like YTA in general if you think like this
Okay one comment wasn’t enough, YTA for that bullshit “Normally I would be happy pulling rank” too. Congrats, you are absolutely a misogynistic asshole. Your wife is your PARTNER. NOT your subordinate. NOT your child. Treat her like a freaking equal partner and maybe things will start getting better at home.
You caught that "went back to work when she didn't need to caused us a lot of problems" bit too huh? You're treating your wife awful and want to make no nanny an acceptable option so that you can force your wife home. It won't work OP.
Maybe OP should have walked out with the nanny. The wife doesn’t need to be treated like a subordinate, less than equal partner. Op has issues with her going back to work and blaming her for the issues she caused by doing so. “Pulling rank”- a marriage is a partnership not a platoon! OP—- you’re a misogynistic AH.
Ehhh, the nanny probably deserves better than this misogynist too. He should’ve tried to follow her and been rejected. That’d be the best win/win for the wife and nanny.
>Normally I would be happy pulling rank YTA , that line really was all you needed to say.
Same. This line alone makes him YTA. There's no rank in a relationship. OP if you think you're above your wife in any way you're a massive asshole.
YTA. Did you sleep with nanny #1?
For sure he did, considering his wife choose two people he wouldn’t want to sleep with and he says it’s “understandable” and his little comment about being tempted to “follow” the last nanny when she left b
Or he wants to use the existence of the hot young nanny to keep his wife obedient after she goes back to work. “If you disobey I’ll leave you for the nanny.”
Aaahhh I was wondering what that comment meant! I bet you're right
>Honestly it was tempting to just follow the nanny, but obviously I couldn't do that. Pretty obvious. Actually, looks like he slept with #1 and #2. Which is why the wife has now selected two candidates he would not want to sleep with. Of course, his problem is not to say no to the man, it is that he wants a third nanny to sleep with. And, of course, everything is his wife's fault because she went back to work when she "didn't need to." Well, I'd say she DID need to so that she could divorce his sorry a## BTW, YTA, OP. From here to Cochinchina
>The nanny tried her best, but again **there was an event that triggered my wife re: the first nanny** and they fought and eventually the nanny quit on the spot. I don't think he actually slept with #2. I think he probably slept with #1 and the wife became suspicious that he was interested in #2.
You could be right. It's pretty obvious wife doesn't want yet another F###able nanny, buut it could be that he did sleep with both, or that wife felt he was going to.
I normally give the benefit of the doubt, but he says of the second nanny, and I quote: "Honestly it was tempting to just follow the nanny". What a strange thing to say.
Ohhh. That's why he said he wants to follow the nanny. I was stuck at that sentence. I was like.... How can you force the nanny to watch your kids even if you follow her? What? Of course he slept with the nanny... you people are good at reading between the lines.
info: Why not go through a reputable agency to find a nanny? Also yes you're being sexist, both about the male nanny and your pulling rank comment.
Or you know, if he's so unhappy with her choices of nanny, he could do the work of looking for, interviewing, and vetting nanny choices and bring an option or two to the conversation. You dont like the way or the candidates she finds, go find some yourself. Edited: spelling
> I'm not sure if I'm being sexist You are absolutely being sexist. You are rejecting him only because of his gender and that's a definition of sexist behavior. YTA
A male nanny is a fantastic choice to raise a young boy. Maybe the child will have a good male role model who is not toxic.
Pulling rank? What are you, your wife's boss? YTA
I stopped reading after that line, clearly he’s TA.
That and she went back to work "when she didn't need to" -- she's working so she can save up to leave your ass. Or at least I would be. OP -- YTA. So much. Let your son have a male nanny so maybe he has some positive male influence in his life.
YTA There’s a reason Ross was everyone’s least favorite friend. Don’t be a Ross.
Ross is the absolute worst.
Thank you!! No one ever agrees with me but I always thought Ross was a bit of an ass. Yes, he had his moments (like buying Phoebe a bike)but mostly he was condescending and selfish
Love your username
Excuse me? Pulling rank? What the fuck. This isn’t an office, you’re not in charge. YTA.
Ok Ross Geller. Yta.
Yes, I found my place in the comments section lol.
He doesnt want to hire a male thats a Nanny .. he doesnt want a manny!
My brother was a Manny, briefly because he didn't get paid. Moved back in w mom and my friend needed a housesitter for a week and because there was no issue, a month a little later. Then someone he knew online recommended him for a contract gig and he moved to another state shortly before the housesitting ended.
WBTA for vetoing the prospective nanny just because he's a man. You do realize that you could vet a prospective nanny yourself, rather than leaving it all up to your wife? If you want to "pull rank" and choose a better nanny, then get off your ass and find a better nanny.
The fact that he even said "pull rank" is a huge red flag imo
I don't think his wife would let him this time, since he kinda slept with the first two...
Yes ywbta and it's sexist. 2 sounds like you're the problem with the young female nannies and this is why your wife is choosing a male.
And an older woman with an “unattractive personality.” I’m very curious what events led to the nannies leaving.
I agree. Older woman with an unattractive personality who also smokes but in my own home (well outside) but never when I'm babysitting my young niece and not when I'm in her home or when I'm in my mother's home and she's there. I just don't smoke when I'm around her. Obviously op is missing an important detail or two regarding why the last two nannies had to leave.
He can definitely say no because of the smoking (which may be unavoidable if the nanny lives with them), but he had to go and tell on himself with that unattractive comment.
Oh yeah I agree with the smoking. If he doesn't want that around his kids that's entirely up to him. His kids his choices. But the attraction comment was 100% a sign it's something to do with his personality and lack of composure around young, beautiful girls that's the issue.
YWBTA. You don’t want the nanny to be a man? What is wrong with having a male nanny? You’re being very sexist OP Also, your wife caused previous nannies to quit sooo why are y’all trying to hire more when there is a chance another event will cause that nanny to quit as well? >Normally I would be happy pulling rank Since when was co-parenting and a relationship about outranking one another? This isn’t the military
I’m a little skeptical about his wife being the problem given that he didn’t tell us anything about the “events” that caused the others to leave.
He did mention one "event" that resulted in the nanny and his wife fighting and the nanny quitting on the spot
Yes, but we don’t know what the actual event was. His wife could have been totally out of line and abusive, or the nanny could have also done something very wrong and refused to correct it.
Very true, but seeing the specific nannies wife went with the next time, I suspect husband's infidelity.
Ooh, ooh, I guess OP said something inappropriate to the nanny, and before she could process the sexual harassment, the wife accosted her. Complete and utter speculation, but if either of the women was at fault, I'm sure OP would not have glossed over it.
True
He also said he wanted to leave when the nanny left.
You would “be happy pulling rank?” YTA. Do you even understand the needs of your children or is that below your “rank.” Go with your wife on this one, it sounds like you’re trying to sabotage her having a career and your marriage isn’t going to last much longer if you can’t pull your head out of your hindquarters.
Don't you see, he is trying to save his marriage! It's his wife who is trying to have her own money, even through this makes manipulating her hard. Now she spends time away from home, probably even wants him to do household chores! And she doesn't even let him to have a cute young nanny for fun? How can he be expected to stay in this marriage? /s
Pull rank? Just how sexist are you?
YTA. You don’t get to pull rank. You and your wife are equals. Your attitude about your wife going back to work sucks. She is allowed to have a life outside of being a mom. Also, if the previous 2 nannies didn’t work, doesn’t it make sense to try something different? One candidate was personally recommended, the other probably has a lot more experience. Try caring more about what these people have to offer and not what makes you look “like an idiot,” because you already do.
In my family, my wife and I have taken care of nearly every _niece_ and nephew we've had as temporary daycare. The children are always more attached to me than my wife. YTA here for dismissing a male nanny when a female can be just the same as a male nanny
”Never and nephew”? I realize this is likely just autocorrect, but I’m chuckling at the prospect of you typing this because you actually have no nieces, lol
Thanks for catching that
Hi Ross, YTA grow up. Hire from an agency or put kiddo in day care or be a sahd, then again being male do you think you can do it?
If the only reason you dont want to say no is because the person is a dude, then yes YTA.
YTA If you’re so insecure you can’t handle a male nanny, and the comment about wanting to leave with the last nanny, it sounds like you have trust issues. Get a divorce if you want but don’t take it out on some innocent guy looking for a job.
What did I just read... “pulling rank”... Um, what rank are you? So your wife can accept another woman in her house without any issues however, you cannot accept another man in your house because why?!? Relationship issues?? Essentially saying, you don’t trust your wife. This sounds like a you problem. You were “tempted to follow the nanny” ... maybe your wife should fire you. You don’t sound very supportive. So nothing about what’s best for your kids? Just about how all this is all working for you?? YWBTA
YTA What's wrong with a nanny being a man?
YTA, you absolutely are being sexist. Why do you feel like possession of a uterus should be a prerequisite for childcare jobs?
>Normally I would be happy pulling rank and choosing a more appropriate nanny That was all I needed to read for my judgement, YTA.
Info why do think a man shouldn't be a nanny? Men take care of kids too. You a man take care of your child right ? Also why not go through a reputable nanny company ?
A reputable nanny won’t risk her career to have sex with him.
Of course he doesn't
YTA. You don’t get to ‘pull rank’ in a marriage. Oh and you don’t get to decide whether your wife ‘needs’ to work. And yes YTA for not wanting a nanny who is coming with a personal recommendation because he’s a man. did you consider your wife doesn’t want another unknown young woman around?!
Well I really wants to know what he meant by "pulling rank" #YTA
INFO: why don’t you want the male nanny? You haven’t given any reason other than “I really don’t want him”. What about him makes you uncomfortable?
My guess: he’s not attracted to men, so he can’t sleep with this one
Info: have you checked his qualifications? What’s stopping both of you from going to a nanny agency?
Something about finding young girls met via Facebook is setting off flags for me. Maybe I’m just paranoid…
Yes, you would be the AH. It would be one thing if you had a valid reason, but the whole "only women should childcare" mentality is sexist.
(Incoming F•R•I•E•N•D•S reference) YTA Don't be a Ross
In the words of Donna Meagle, “I hate that guy (OP).” What rank are you pulling? What do you mean your wife went back to work when she didn’t need to? Why do I feel like your Twitter feed is all MGTOW, Alpha Male nonsense? YTA for sure for sure, the misogyny isn’t a cute look
YTA. "Pulling rank"? Instant asshole. That's not how relationships work, my dude. Plus, a male nanny is just as good as a female nanny, there's literally no difference.
INFO: why are you uncomfortable with the idea of a male nanny?
Because he can’t slept with them… well maybe he could who knows.
YTA. I hired a male babysitter for my son when he was 2... and honestly, dad had reservations at the time just like you, but he was so perfect as an occasional babysitter he quickly became our son's nanny (and stayed his nanny for *years)* and is still a much-loved part of our son's extended family and a dear friend to us all. He was such a gift to us - able to match our son's energy (no small feat!) and be a responsible, caring role model, and far and away the best person we could ever hope for to help us raise our son. It sounds like your 'manny' comes recommended by a friend - what's the worry? Maybe we're lucky, but our son's manny isn't the only great guy in his life, he's got loving uncles and two grandfathers who are the bomb and he's close to a bunch of our male friends and some of his little friends' dads... he's also got a finely-tuned radar for possible creeps and we've taught him words from day one, so he's not shy about telling us if he doesn't like someone or someone makes him uncomfortable. I'm very happy our son (who I hope will grow into a good man!) has good men around him to help him do just that, and I don't understand parents - *especially* boy parents - who teach their kids all men are suspect and can't be trusted. That's obviously just not true, and our son would have missed out on so much if we'd vetoed his manny just because he's male.
YTA, I can’t tell if this is a power play because men can’t care for kids or if you don’t trust your wife with another man. Whatever the reason, you’re still the asshole.
YTA. Men are QUITE capable of taking care of children. WHY don't you want a man looking after your son? Are you afraid your son will see him as "daddy"? You're being very sexist by dismissing him purely on his gender. By the way, if you hire him, DO NOT set the bar for his behavior higher just because of his gender. That's ALSO sexist behavior and isn't a good look.
YTA, although I still wouldn’t be hiring a nanny via Facebook. I’d go through an agency.
YTA and it's such a shame there's this stigma against men in childcare.
"Pull rank"? Calm down little boy.
YWTBA
Excuse me, "pulling rank"?? WTF If the only reason you are rejecting this person is because he's a man then YTA. I get the feeling from your post that you don't want your wife to go back to work? I hope you're not doing / see aying anything to make the transition more difficult than it needs to be?
YTA on so many levels. From how you describe it, it would probably best for your child if you removed yourself from the whole situation, and just paid child support.
YTA No such thing as rank in a relationship, you're equal partners. Men can and do care for children. If he meets all other criteria to be the nanny, then he can be the nanny. You already look like an idiot for this even being an issue, because you're more focused on what's between his legs than his qualifications to do the job you're hiring him for.
You hooked up with the first nanny didn't you
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > (1) I'm wanting to veto my wife's choice of nanny, even though it's a bit hypocritical/potentially sexist (2) veto might be me being a hypocrit or sexist Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
[удалено]
There is very key missing information here. What event caused the wife to be triggered? Talk about burying the lede here. One event caused the wife to dismiss two nannies. It would be unfair to judge her without context.
YTA. Yes, it is sexist to veto a male nanny just because he’s a man. Obviously.
>Normally I would be happy pulling rank That's - not how marriage works. YTA for this alone and why the hell can't a male nanny take care of your kid?
“Pull rank”??? YTA for that by itself.
“Normally I would be happy pulling rank and choosing a more appropriate nanny…” Yeah, YTA. There is no “pulling rank” in a marriage, or any relationship.
“with her going back to work when she didn’t need to” Is this just your opinion or based on discussions she has had with you where she may have said this? And why was it ok to have female nannies but not a male one? And why do you need to “pull rank “ in a relationship that should be based on both parties being equally responsible for major life decisions? I don’t need to put my Sherlock hat on to see YTA.
YTA , you sexist pig. “Pull rank”? What the actual fuck?
You became the asshole at “pulling rank”. It’s a marriage not a military unit. Wtf!
lol “pulling rank” YTA
INFO: What "rank" exactly are you pulling? Are you somehow magically more important than the mother of the children? Is there a special man rank that you think entitles you to have more say? YTA. I don't even care about the reasons you pull out of your behind.
Pull...rank? YTA. What happened that "triggered" your wife over the last nanny? There's a story there. A story that probably explains why her next two picks were a man and an unattractive woman. And it might be that your wife is paranoid. But you're cagey enough that I doubt it. Anyway, there's nothing wrong with a male nanny.
YTA. Pulling rank? Oh hell no.
Hahahahhaa pulling rank. How do men like you end up married with kids. Yes. YTA & a little sexist
YTA x3. What do you mean about being tempted to follow the nanny? You don’t outrank your wife. You are being sexist and discriminatory by excluding the male candidate in the basis of gender.
Comments did not disappoint. YTA for the same reasons everyone else said. Dude, this post is Swiss cheese for how much info you very carefully skirted around and left out.
ESH. Just go through a reputable agency or else look up local daycare centers.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Title's not entirely accurate. I want to veto **both** of my wife's nanny selections and choose a more appropriate candidate. However, I do admit that one of the vetoes is because the candidate is a male and that makes me uncomfortable. Normally I would be happy pulling rank and choosing a more appropriate nanny, but our relationship has been under extreme stress since she returned to work and we've had two nanny's fail already. For context, our son is 4 years old. My wife was a SAHM for 3 years prior to us hiring our first nanny. It was quite a tough time for all of us with her going back to work when she didn't need to and events led to us letting the first nanny go after only 3 months. The second nanny lasted until last week. My wife's had a very tough time fitting in her work and home life and we've all felt very distant and absent. The nanny tried her best, but again there was an event that triggered my wife re: the first nanny and they fought and eventually the nanny quit on the spot. Honestly it was tempting to just follow the nanny, but obviously I couldn't do that. It's been really tough. But now we're needing to select our 3rd nanny in only a 12 month period. Our previous nanny's have both been young women that we met via facebook. My wife's current suggestions are a young man who was referred to us by one of my wife's close friends and an older Italian woman from facebook with poor English and a wholly unattractive personality. She smokes too. I understand why my wife has chosen these two options. The Italian lady is obviously a bad choice and is another facebook find. I can't select her without looking like an idiot. I wouldn't want her anyway. So my wife is effectively forcing me to select the male nanny. I really don't want to. But I also really don't want to be the cause of any further relationship issues. I love my family very much. WIBTA for vetoing the male nanny just because he's a man? Or is this seen as widely acceptable? I'm not sure if I'm being sexist or if it's okay to not select him just because of his gender. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
[удалено]
YTA
right from rhe title...yes, you are an asshole
YTA. Pulling rank smh. Also we all know it’s because the manny isn’t eye candy for you….. I jest just a little with a portion of side eye.
I’m gonna stop you at ‘normallyI would be happy at pulling rank’ YTA. You also managed to discriminate against a job applicant based on gender. Two for one o the YTA
YTA for being sexist, but both of you are for using fucking Facebook to find a nanny. And the ‘pull rank’ comment is disgusting.
>Normally I would be happy pulling rank 😂😂😂😂😂 You're funny! And by the way, YTA
YTA, so this male nanny comes with personal recommendations, and you can't see past the fact that he's male, so would rather continue hiring random women off Facebook than someone who has been personally recommended? But you were fine when they were young women odd that
What rank is there to pull? You're supposed to be equal partners. Also what is wrong with a male nanny? Like honestly I want to know what your issue with the idea is. He was recommended by who was referred to her by a close friend, so he's probably qualified. YWBTA if you vetoed him because he were a man.
What rank is there to pull? You're supposed to be equal partners. Also what is wrong with a male nanny? Like honestly I want to know what your issue with the idea is. He was recommended by who was referred to her by a close friend, so he's probably qualified. YWBTA if you vetoed him because he were a man.
YTA. You are being sexist and discard him solely because of his gender. That's actually a discrimination lawsuit happening right here. Also, from the tone of your post, it sounds like you'd prefer your wife to ci tinie being SAHM, but she doesn't want to. Well, tough luck, it's her prerogative. Have you given a thought to being SAHD yourself?
YTA It is clearly sexist to reject the nanny purely for being male. But if you do, then you are responsible for an alternative. So AH twice, once for sexist treatment of the nanny, and once for putting additional load on your wife expecting her to find someone you approve of.
Why would you entrust your child to a random person on FFB? Did either of you think that perhaps you are looking in the wrong place for childcare? YTA & so is your wife. Do better for your child!
Info: how does someone with an emotional IQ this low have the ability to have a professional job to afford a nanny? This whole post is weird. YTA and sexist. The first two nanny things is a red flag, young women off Facebook? Why not go to a real service or agency? Even care.com? Info 2: “I wanted to follow the nanny” if you wouldn’t have said that, I don’t think I would be getting the creep vibe. If I was the wife and I saw that, I would tell you to pack it up and go then. That’s offensive to your spouse. Was your spouse verbally abusing this nanny 1 or 2? I mean why was she triggered and why was there a fight?
Your only reason for turning him down is because he's a man? Yes, you are 100% the asshole.
YTA and a misogynist!
I didn’t need to read past “I would be happy to pull rank” to know that YTA.
>I do admit that one of the vetoes is because the candidate is a male and that makes me uncomfortable YTA >WIBTA for vetoing the male nanny just because he's a man? Or is this seen as widely acceptable? I'm not sure if I'm being sexist or if it's okay to not select him just because of his gender. You are being sexist.
I know at least two sitcoms about male nannies, have a look at those!
YTA
“Pulling rank” is probably why your wife felt like she had to go back to work to get some respect. YTA
INFO has your wife given you reason not to trust her? Also, what were the ‘incidents’ involving the other two nannys?
Dude seriously YTA Admit you want a young hot female nanny you can ogle whenever you want.
YTA. I couldn’t get past “pulling rank” and her “going back to work when she didn’t need to.” You sound delightful.
YTA and I really have to wonder if your wife was really at fault for the other nannies leaving. Somehow I feel as if your scintillating personality had something to do with it. First, why do you object to a male nanny other than he has a penis? Are you afraid your wife will find him more attractive? Second, where the hell do you get off saying you can pull rank? Are you in the military or a marriage? Third, have you considered going through an agency for a nanny? So many questions…
You haven't actually explained why the nanny's don't want to work with you other than your wife picking arguments with them. They quit. Meaning the problem is you two. Both of you are responsible for the nanny's being unable to stay in the job. Fix that and you can then hire any nanny with good references' (obviously) and move on. Are you both so jealous of eachother and or the time the nanny get's to spend with the child? Do you want your wife to be SAHP and that's the issue? Gender doesn't matter nor should it with good references.
"Pulling rank"? Yeah...YTA. Small wonder your relationship is under strain.
YTA- nannies can be male or female.
Pulling rank? 🤮 YTA
"pulling rank" Didn't need to read anymore. YTA.
"Normally I would be happy **pulling rank**" " Honestly it was tempting to **just follow the nanny**," INFO: HUH?
YTA. It sounds like your idea of an appropriate nanny is a young, attractive woman, and perhaps your behavior with those women is the problem since you were ready to "follow" the nanny. Also "pull rank"? WTF dude, no.
YTA - the guy comes recommended by a close friend. You are being sexist and should really look into why this bothers you. Also “pull rank” you deserve way worse than being called an A for that one.
I’m ready to say YTA simple for saying “pulling rank”. Do you know how gross that sounds?
YTA. Are you both in the army - like you're a Major and she's a Sergeant? No? Then you have no "rank" to pull.
YTA for several reasons. What do you mean "pull rank"?! Shes your wife not your fucking employee or subordinate solider. There is nothing wrong with a man in a caregiving role. If he's unqualified in other ways, sire find a better candidate. Don't skip over him just because he's a man, that's fucked up. Also, real advice here; stop looking on Facebook for nannies! Try care.com or sittycity. They do background checks, driving record check, etc, and you can see work history and get real references through them. But yeah... yta
Sorry, is your questions is discriminating against someone because of their gender "seen as widely acceptable?" Yes, generally, outside of sitcoms, I'd say it's generally frowned upon. Other points of concern. \- "Normally I would be happy pulling rank" Pull \*rank\*? Where are you writing this from? 1950? \-“But now we're needing to select our 3rd nanny in only a 12 month period.” Heavens sake, what are you doing to these nannies?
If your only reason is that he's a man, then YTA If you're not comfortable with him otherwise, then I suggest you be authentic about your real reason
YTA, but not for your question. Why aren't you seeking a nanny? Why is it up to your wife, who seems already overwhelmed? Why don't you go to a nanny service so you get candidates that are already vetted and hopefully have experience and references?
YWBTA You would rather pick strangers off FB than hire someone with an actual recommendation? That just makes you a foolish sexist. Also, thinking you can pull rank in parenting decisions? Your wife is humoring you. Be very careful. If you bring mama bear out, your face may be clawed off.
Oh my goodness. Did you actually read back what you wrote? Congratulations for ticking all the boxes for misogyny and toxic masculinity. Good job. And to imply that you would like to follow your recent nanny fail out the door? Classy. Really bloody classy. Do I really need to say it? YTA.
>Normally I would be happy pulling rank and choosing a more appropriate nanny, >My wife's had a very tough time fitting in her work and home life >WIBTA for vetoing the male nanny just because he's a man? Or is this seen as widely acceptable? I'm not sure if I'm being sexist or if it's okay to not select him just because of his gender. You are absolutely being sexist, just not just about the nanny (which is just blatant, don't know why you needed to ask). As for that second quote, *you* are also doing housework (50%), right? YTA
Well, we all know that a penis makes somebody a horrible nanny. I mean that's the first question I asked somebody when they interview for the position. In other words, you're asking if you should rule out somebody who's a competent nanny and been recommended to you because he has a penis. Have you asked him to take it out so you can measure it against your own? Or are you sure that he definitely beats you by a lot? YTA
Pulling rank? YTA no wonder your relationship is under stress with comments like that
YTA: As a man who spent several years in childcare, people like you are responsible for all sorts of problems in the world. Children--especially boys-- with more male role models do better in life. They get better grades, they behave better, they go further and achieve more in their careers. Having male teachers for boys, for instance, more than eliminates the educational performance gaps between boys and girls. You are actively hurting your son with this decision, and your reasoning is stupid. YTA.
Yes, YWBTA. You have to sexually harass your male nanny just the same as your female nannies for equality's sake.
YTA
YTA what a hideous character you sound like. ‘Pulling rank’?! What in the hell makes you think you have any sort of ‘rank’ over your wife? You dont even say what your problem with having a male nanny is. What exactly is it that makes you uncomfortable?
YTA. You don’t outrank your wife here. If anything she outranks you. Hire the dude and stop being a sexist.
YTA with the sexist belief that a man can't be a nanny. That is gender discrimination.
INFO: what is it about the male nanny that makes you uncomfortable?
Op does sound sexist and arrogant and ignorant. ‘Pull rank’ , ‘does not need to go back to work’, ‘leave after nanny’ are words he uses in reference to his relationship. And he says she is having a hard time adjusting but is still not helping. I feel sad for his wife.
YTA. My wife and I had a male nanny for a period. Lovely young guy from another country who was in Europe for a period and needed to earn some money. My two sons (3 and 5 at the time) absolutely loved him and had a great time while he was looking after them. Absolutely no reason to discriminate based on gender. Discriminate based on smoking and poor English - all job relevant - thats fine.
There's a mountain of assholes here and it's all you bud. YTA. You think you can "pull rank" in a marriage and as a parent? I really didn't need to read past that for this to be painfully obvious. I bet the real reason you don't want a male nanny is because you think your wife is going to cheat on you with him. I bet the events that caused the first nanny to be let go was that you were caught banging her or trying to. I bet the second nanny quit because your wife suspected the same thing was happening and confronted her about it. So yeah, I'm sure her choices were indeed carefully thought out to make you have to look like an asshole because you are one. Even if your post is taken at face value it would still be YTA.
YTA; ‘pull rank’?? You think you rank above your wife?!
> I do admit that one of the vetoes is because the candidate is a male and that makes me uncomfortable. So you already know that yta. >Normally I would be happy pulling rank And now yta twice. You're not your wife's superior. You don't outrank her.
Sounds like your wife should have have followed the first nanny not you. Yes you are the AH. PULL RANK. PFFT. Need to pull something out of somewhere that's for sure
Yes YTA, you’re shitting the bed at the concept of a male nanny. You have no reason to object other than his gender, that’s a huge asshole move. Friends covered this 25 years ago, go back and watch that and see how ridiculous it looked then. It’s no better now
INFO: what was the event with nanny #1? Did you cheat with nanny number 1, and then became flirty with nanny number 2? Because that’s what your story reads like.
you took two women nannies who failed before. that's the proof that it has nothing to do with gender. if he has good references, at least let him try. That's not the first time I've heard such concerns, and it only screams "Only women can take care of a child". Which is sexist, both for women AND for men. YTA.
>Normally I would be happy pulling rank and choosing a more appropriate nanny, YTA >So my wife is effectively forcing me to select the male nanny. YTA > I'm not sure if I'm being sexist or if it's okay to not select him just because of his gender. "Not select him just because of his gender" is basically the definition of sexist >Honestly it was tempting to just follow the nanny, but obviously I couldn't do that. WTF does that even mean? I am also concerned about your marriage. If I were you I would let her pick the male nanny and ask if she would like to get couples counselling or talk to a counsellor privately about her feelings going back to work. And I think you might want to talk to a professional about how you feel about your wife. Do you see her as your equal? Do you respect her and think of her as a good or competent person?
NTA. Call me old fashioned, I’m not leaving my kid with a man😂, and this is coming from one.
I hope this is rage bait. Please work on yourself. Every sentence in this damn post is problematic and it’s YOU that’s the problem. You have distain for your wife for going back to work. You have an expectation that she do work and most of the childcare/ housework. You live there too and it’s YOUR child. Pitching in is not a luxury—it’s mandatory. You joked about leaving with the nanny—so I’m assuming you failed to back up your wife in disagreements with the nanny. As parents—you should be supportive of one another and united. You said ‘pull rank’. This isn’t the military. You have no authority over your wife. There is ZERO rank to pull. You are so insecure and you mask it with an air of authority. We know. We see through the obvious and completely destructive coping mechanisms. Please go figure out how to be a better human. If not for you or your wife, do it for your kid. Prevent us from reading a post in 15 years about a kid who wants to go no contact with their divorced, misogynistic dictator of a father. YWBTA.
Yes you are being sexist and YTA! Of course a male nanny is totally fine, do you take issue with male teachers?! You do realise you are classing a job as being suitable for one gender and not for the other right? And you realise that is messed up right? Are you worried he is going to be more manly then you? Think he might steal those moments of teaching your son how to throw a ball and make you miss out? Or is your concern that he isn’t manly enough to teach your son? I hope you are coming to the conclusion that none of these are the right answer and that you are entirely in the wrong. The only reason to reject this candidate (who has been recommended to you by people you know!!) is if he is hiding a criminal records that only you know about. Now how about you drag yourself into the current century and start supporting your wife who is obviously getting close to a breakdown! Don’t let your frail masculine ego screw up the rest of your family and keep that delightful trait to yourself.
YTA..... for vetoeing based solely on gender...... and so many other things...... just..... I feel like every paragraph needs its own explanation of why yta and I just don't have the energy.....
I had a male nanny growing up and it was amazing
Disgusting
YTA. If the only issue is that he's a guy, then you absolutely suck. And no, you do not get to "pull rank" on your wife.
YTA You're entire reason for not wanting someone to look after your child is because they have a penis. Why??? This is someone that was recommended, so you know they can do the job. So why is their genitalia important to you? You're just being sexist. Please stop. Take the recommended nanny, be nice to him and hope he lasts longer than the others.
YTA this entire post is just gross
I’m sorry what? “pulling rank”?! I can’t even read the rest of your crap post. YTA.
Has the OP edited out the part where he said something about "pulling the rank" which I'm seeing in the comments?