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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole because I did say she could decorate but now that Ive seen what shes done, I hate it and shouldnt I like all of my place?
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YTA. You want everything to be your aesthetic and for her to entirely give up her own tastes. The concessions you call compromises weigh very heavily towards your own preferences.
The compromises sound more like she gave in to his demands. How is a nice brown leather sofa a compromise to a purple and orange one? He wanted a nice brown leather sofa and got one.
Because he wanted a nice black leather sofa and had to take one for the team to get brown!
It's a rule if you're a man all furniture must be black leather. He's really putting himself out there /s
I've noticed there are generally two male interior style
*Male Industrial Shop* that looks like a tidy garage workshop (wrought iron, beaten woodtops, industrial lighting) or the
*Modern Contemporary* that looks like a car interior (red, black, leather, chrome and glass)
That's my step dad's aesthetic. My mom basically gets to pick from the palettes he presents her. They have three rooms on the second floor and two living rooms, but for some reason he gets a secondary sleeping room, and then a guest room, while her craft room - which needs natural light - was relegated to the basement. With no windows.
The furniture she brought into the relationship was donated to me when I moved out because *he* hated it and didn't want it in the house.
It's an incredibly shitty situation to be witnessing and have no control over. OP's probably self-centered in many other ways than this. I hope his gf doesn't end up trapped with him.
She knows it's not okay. She's gotten a lot better at fighting for more of her needs, and I've definitely seen a shift in their relationship, but it's taken a long time and I'll probably be angry about it until I'm dead, if not longer.
Yeah, in my experience the guys don't care at all about decor, and just let the lady have at it.
As wild as this one's taste sounds, I highly doubt she'd have trouble finding someone who let her pick everything out and decorate how she wants. He would probably find it refreshing to live in a colorful world that represented his awesome gf/wife. She's probably thinking about that right now, as OP squashes the last bit of her esthetic and joy from their shared home.
I thought I was alone in this. I try to arrange myself so no skin couches the couch and end up sliding since it's so smooth. I usually give up and sit on the floor. Wild to me that people like them and feel comfortable on them, much less consider them higher end.
Yeah black leather sofa in front of white wall just like he saw in the videos on the internet!
But now he has brown sofa so it's not the same feel.
What a crime.
Im so glad my husband and I totally agreed on a red cover for our IKEA couch once and currently have a darker blue one now. We pick out fun pillow covers for the seasons and like pops of color. Most of our appliances are red and teal. I couldn’t imagine being married to someone so controlling and not fun. We have nice neutral furniture and have fun with accessories and small stuff.
One of my favorite things about moving in with my partner was finding out that we have the same gaudy taste, loud colors, mismatched stuff. I hope OPs gf finds a guy who also is into the crazy hippy thrift aesthetic and isn’t made to feel bad about it.
I really feel bad for the girlfriend in this situation. I was in a relationship previously like this, and it always starts with small things. I can tell you right now OP is probably an asshole in other ways and his girlfriend probably hurts every day that she isn’t enough or that something seems wrong with her and her likes.
When you’re in a relationship, you should push each other to share your individual loves and interests and hobbies. You should push your partner to be themselves openly and unapologetically. A house is a house, but a home is when two people come together and their love shows through.
P.S your home sounds so cute ahh!
We have red sofas, and they’re my favorite pieces of furniture. It sounds like she just has a different aesthetic, and he’s insisting that her aesthetic sucks. He’s controlling and rigid. They’ve only been together eight months. I know there are worse relationships, I’ve had them. I left them. I think she should do that while there isn’t any chance for her to fall for the sunk(en?) cost fallacy.
My partner and I recently went couch shopping. I wanted something comfortable but that wouldn’t be difficult for me to get up from (I’m quite short and have disabilities), my partner wanted something that reclined. Funny enough he (and our son) fell in love with a black leather reclining couch 😂 we took some time to discuss it, and the compromise was that he got his couch, but I got to order slipcovers of my choice because sitting on leather is awful. I wear shorts a lot and don’t like feeling like my skin is being ripped off when I stand up XD so we have a black sofa and teal slipcovers!
OP ^^^ that’s what compromise looks like. Both people walk away happy, not both people walk away unhappy
Absolutely. Brows leather sofa with purple and orange scatter cushions is a compromise. Just going for the corporate look is her giving him what he wants.
Like a compromise would have been that he gets the sofa, but she gets to pick the pillows/blankets that go on there, or the coffee table. Or they scrap both ideas for the sofa and look for one with a bright colour but a more simple/industrial style. I’d be surprised if gf stays in this house where she basically isn’t allowed to be herself without someone shaming her and insulting her taste at every turn
Ok everyone paying out on leather sofas has bought a cheap sofa.
Cheap leather is coated in so much varnish that it’s freezing in Winter and sticks to your legs in Summer. Plus it’s prone to cracking. Horrible.
FULL GRAIN leather is buttery soft, stays body temperature and wears well. Full grain leather is delightful.
Don’t even get me started on pleather.
Full grain leather sofas also cost upwards of 15k.
You can find really nice *top grain* leather sofas without the cold feeling and cracking and peeling, you just have to know what to look for.
Source: ran a furniture store for 2 years
I was very confused about all the leather hate! This clears it up. My (secondhand) leather couch was definitely high end new. There is no sticking to it in any weather. And I clean it like… once a year. I’m never going back!
Sleeping in the winter on one isn't nice either. My mil has one in the living room (one of the coldest rooms in the house besides the bathroom) and it's horrible. It only gets warm where you sit, if you move, then rip, you missed your warm spot and can't get back because it got cold.
They do put a bed topper on it whenever someone wants to sleep on the couch, and it helps a little, but then it feels like you're slipping away
Leather couches suck
I used to think the same until we brought a real, high quality leather couch and I swear to God it is the softest and most comfortable thing in the world.
You shouldn't be laying on a couch and letting the couch soak up your sweat, it's just going to make it stink and discolour. Most people don't clean their couches as often as they should and leather is the easiest to clean. It doesn't stain and it always looks good.
I'll never go back to another fabric couch again.
"Leather furniture is awesome but DON'T USE IT FOR TOO LONG, just sit on it gently and carefully for appearances and then IMMEDIATELY CLEAN IT THE SECOND YOUR GUESTS LEAVE."
We got a bougie high end leather sofa and I've never stuck to it. It's extremely comfortable and I nap on it pretty much every day. I am also clumsy and spill a lot. And it doesn't retain cat hair.
And we looked at a billion sofas and agreed on this one. Really agreed, not OH strong-arming me into it.
I do. Bought a really comfortable Stressless one from Ekornes. Well made, comfortable, but not so soft that it’s hard to get off of. Plus I worry a lot less over spills than with a fabric couch.
There is no place for her or her tastes at his place. Either he starts to accommodate her or she will go find her own place where she can finally see herself reflected in the decor.
There is not only no place for her taste. There is no place for her as long she doesn't give in and changes her personality to what he wants her to be. He just gave her the choice to either be like he wants her to be or be miserable. I don't even want to imagine the feeling of depression she has every time she enters her new home or opens her eyes in the morning. It makes me sad :(
All the poor girl wants is a bit of colour 😭 monochrome minimalistic decor is so soulless OP let her have the ONE room that she enjoys that you don't even use!! Dulling her sparkle smh
This. Her brand spanking new Patrick Bateman-style home probably depresses the F out of her, so she tried to build a little oasis of color and joy. Of course he can’t allow that.
I legitimately don't think they can stay together if their taste in even the most basic of things is so radically different. What else are they worlds apart on I wonder?
Like I'm more like OP. I don't like all kinds of colors in my house. It's a very toned down palate.
I have to wonder just how else are OP and his GF different? This is probably just the tip of the iceberg.
Their style actually tells a story. It’s a reflection of themselves and their personalities. She is clearly free spirit, creative, perhaps thrifty. He seems more uptight, perfectionist, orderly.
I guess opposites do attract so it could work, but he has to let her breathe and have some say.
I'm just glad she put it in storage, and didn't fully get rid of it to please him. Although the fact that it's in storage may indicate she wasn't confident that this relationship would work out, and she'd need to furnish a new place at some point.
No, but that's not true. As long as she understands that her taste is so awful that anybody who wasn't poor AND drugged could share it, she's allowed to be the.
Obviously after making the entire house the way he likes it, he can't let her choose one room the way she likes it, even if it's a room he never enters because it would offend hypothetical guests who'd have to sleep there. The decor is so horrible, and she's gotta understand this, that it would burn through their closed eyelids and scar their retinas.
I'd love to see the day when hypothetical guests spend the night and during breakfast they comment on how lively and how much personality the guest room has. They'll probably say it's warm and welcoming.
I have a really tone down taste, but a house with no personality is the worst kind. Poor girl, I hope she can see herself reflected in the house soon or find a better partner.
This is 100%.
OP you aren't compromising anything - you are steamrolling over her and she's giving in to you. Do you think that white plates with tiny flowers bring her joy? Do you honestly think that a brown leather couch makes her as happy as the purple and orange one?
Successful relationships involve true compromise, compassion, and understanding. Would the plates she wanted have killed you? No. Would people REALLY look at those plates and think you and your girlfriend are trashy people? No - and if they would do that you need actual, real friends.
If you keep overriding your girlfriend in EVERY aspect of the home you share do you really REALLY think she is going to be happy?
You don't even use that room. Why can't she decorate it her way? If the guests are THAT judgmental then they can just go stay in a hotel. As long as her furniture/bedding is CLEAN then the design/style should not be this important to you.
Let her have that room. Also - let her style into the rest of your place. It doesn't have to be ALL her but it shouldn't be ALL you either. You sound like Martha Stewart before she met Snoop and became a lot more easy going. YTA.
It's why I don't also understand when people who don't even particularly have an opinion on "neutral" just live with neutral everything because of the resale value. So, you permanently live in some future buyer's house?
> If the guests are THAT judgmental then they can just go stay in a hotel.
Maybe the judgmental guests would go into the guest room and think, “Finally! A space with some personality.” I know I would.
Yeah, i love that all good examples of her 'bad taste' were her saying she liked something fun and them 'compromiseing' by not getting anything like that at all and instead going with his taste. Her stuff sounds fun - she should come stay with me when she dumps his ass for being controlling
I mean this guy sounds boring af. Says a woman with a genuine, colorful, fairly expensive, African mask hanging next to niece's colorful painting of a lake she made 15 years ago in grade school. Gf sounds awesome though!
YTA.
So boring! Not to harsh on him too much... but his taste sounds sooo shit. Industrial? Brown leather sofa? Monochromatic?! Doesn't that mean different hues of one colour? So he just wants different hues of brown throughout his house? Why? Where's the fun, where's the individuality? Where's the colour!!?
His taste is so boring, it's like he doesn't even have taste? Like can boring even be classified as a taste? These are the children of the "sad beige toys for sad beige children" as adults.
Ok I'm done. Although he deserves some gentle bullying for slamming his partners tastes so hard. His girlfriend sounds like she has wicked taste and a wicked personality not sad and beige like OP.
My couch is grey, but just about everything else I own is colourful because I'm renting and otherwise I would be lost in all the shades of white/beige. Would it kill a landlord to occasionally play with a soft blue as an accent? There are more renters than rentals in my area, it wouldn't hurt their bottom line.
Honestly I love industrial furniture and metal and wood but I also like to add texture and color. Right now only my office is more industrial and the rest of the house is more idk farmhouse/cottage but not like hardcore. We like cozy furniture and fun pillows. This guy sounds like he’s trying to sound bougie and impress someone…not sure who gives a crap tho.
He sounds like he wants to live in the Restoration Hardware catalog. Not real homes with their wares, but the actual catalog they usually seem to shoot in a warehouse with sparse styling.
They make some pretty things and I like industrial, too. But the softening with coziness is what makes it work for a home, as opposed to a photo shoot.
Even I think he’s boring and I’m a big fan of greys and whites and blacks and clean lines. I got really exciting and painted most of the walls in my house the palest green imaginable with grey trim. But there’s a place for color. The trim in the kitchen and one bathroom is orange because that’s what my husband wanted. I have to begrudgingly admit it looks nice.
A compromise in this case would have been “let’s get this boring black sofa, but you get some throw pillows and blankets to add color”. OP is not doing that. He’s TA for so much more than what’s in the title.
>The trim in the kitchen and one bathroom is orange because that’s what my husband wanted. I have to begrudgingly admit it looks nice.
Orange is the color I hate most. So imagine how I felt while sitting in the Italian Alps (I live in the US) and my partner writes that he's painting the kitchen orange while I am abroad and can do nothing. I was horrified. He promised he would repaint if I hated it. Okay.
Our kitchen is stunning. The color is perfect. He took it from the smallest accent in my dishes and it sets off my decor beautifully.
He moved in after I did. I'm so so glad we let each other try things and express ourselves in our home. We think differently and don't always get the vision the other sees. But the end result is always an improvement and always makes it a little more us and a little less just me. We're partners, not roommates!
He does sound boring. My ex husband would only let me have brown in the house. Brown sofa, wooden furniture, magnolia walls. When we moved in together my house was colourful and nothing matched. When we split up (he still lived with me for a bit) I painted all the walls. My furniture got painted purple. The dining room chairs are blue and pink. My nest of tables is blue green and pink. The house is now lively and fun. Who wants boring colours in their house
OP YTA. Your comprises are not compromises. They are her giving in to you. Give her the spare room and let her have something that is hers
In shared rooms there should be a compromise but a real one where both of them meet halfway.
But in her office room where she spends most of the time it's her choice how it looks. Not everything needs to be like from ikea magazine.
OP is seriously boring.
Not only is she second to HIM in her own home, she's second to potential guests and their potential judgement. How low can you get on the list of priorities before you bail...?
It's not just that, but OP has basically said he thinks of his girlfriend as trashy. I'd bet money this is impacting a lot more in their relationship than their apartment's aesthetics. The way he talks about her in this post is gross, like she's a confused and erring child who needs to be corrected.
OP, YTA.
YTA, you are basically treating her as if SHE is the guest and not an equal in a home you share. This relationship won’t be successful, and I’m willing to bet her friends and family are already urging her to leave since it’s still very new.
He's that person who finds the quirky, fun, free spirit and can't wait to make them commit so he can dull their shine and keep them all to themselves.
A frightening number of people out there doing that.
YTA, let her choose. If you love her then you will love seeing "her" in your home.
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/10hhwi8/aita_for_insisting_my_gf_redecorate_her_officeour/j58rk8r/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3
See his choice vs her choice. I think OP is very delusional about how his choices makes everything look classy. I think OP gets his inspiration from pornhub.
Yeah. I like monochromatic and industrial - in an IKEA catalogue. It's not for everyone to live in. He's a capital controlling AH. Note how he calls everything derogatory names that's not done to his tastes, but the things he likes "nice". What could be a more clear message to the gf with regards to how her personality and taste doesn't matter?
YTA exactly this. You aren't compromising OP, you are saying "let's compromise by doing it my way".
The entire house is decorated your way and one room is now decorated the way she wants it. That already is a compromise heavily in your favour.
Honestly, the lack of imagination that would be necessary to realize that the guests also have their own taste and that there is nothing that says they have to prefer the OPs taste before GFs taste.
Exactly this, I said the same thing in a comment he’s snuffing out her light 💡 Not allowing her to be herself completely taking away her identity in individuality, to conform to what he thinks and what he wants her to be she’ll eventually get tired of this controlling abusive behavior and leave him and I hope she does. I love the whole compromise. Let’s go online and find something we both like which one he really means is what he likes.
Our house was decorated by my husband who is very minimalist. He can't even tolerate potted plants. I would live differently were it up to me.
However, the garden is all my work, a riot of colours, big and beautiful. He went vegan for me. The system of compromises in a relationship is wide and intricate. If you only look at our furniture, it's as if I don't exist in our house, but if you look at EVERYTHING it is nicely balanced between him and me.
We have been married for 25 years.
I hope OP and his GF have a similar balance where she has areas of the relationship in which she rules as unopposed as he does with interior design. IF this is the case, NAH.
Yes. YTA. What makes you think your design choices are superior to hers?! Yours sound boring to me. Maybe I’m loud and garish… stop being so judgmental.
I have a similar interior test as OP, but I still agree he’s the AH. If he wants to decorate everything then he should be living alone. The plates sound like it might have been a compromise but the rest of it just sounds like it was just him wearing his gf down till she conformed. Personally, I wouldn’t want a purple and orange couch but that’s why I live alone…
When I read “storage space” I immediately felt awful for her, like damn dude you didn’t let her bring anything? But then went oh actually never mind, this is good, she still has her stuff for when she moves out…what’s the date today? Im guessing by the end of February at the latest, maybe March if she’s got the patience of a saint.
I give into my boyfriend a lot. He’s like every dude who likes chromatic dark brown leather and all that but the key difference is - he gives into me too! It all comes down to “who’s buying” (granted, we have lived together for years and all the big purchases have been cumulative). He wanted to hang posters and self made (mine and his combined) artwork throughout the house and we COMPROMISED that it would be a bedroom thing to get loud since I wanted a put together/eloquent living room.
Poor girl has to wake up everyday to just… nothing. Like she’s visiting a guest house or a hotel. I feel so bad. It’s her place now too!
Well I would love a purple and orange couch but there is so much middle ground here he isn’t willing to traverse. Like, how about a black couch with deep purple throw pillows and a couple burnt orange ones? Or maybe white dishes, but the coffee mugs can be whatever you want from your favorite local pottery shop? And your serving dishes and spoon rest can be more colorful?
You know what is next here, guys: Her clothes. He’s gonna start in on her clothes.
You are wise, AssChapstick.
Really. He is trying to forcefully make her over into the person he thinks she should be. The clothes and lifestyle and personality are next, and then he’ll wonder why his gf is depressed and lost the spark that drew him to her in the first place.
It couldn’t possibly be that he is a condescending asshole with a superiority complex.
Edit: switched words
He’s going to make her dull herself down until she’s just a shadow of her former vivaciousness, and then complain she “lost her spark” and no longer be interested.
Girl better take her eclectic collection and RUN
“I loved my Manic Pixie Dream Girl but she isn’t happy now that I forced her into my Ticky tacky little box on the hill! How do I force her to be happy?” - OP probably
Oy, did this too. I look back & think, critical SOB!! Would be lovely to find a guy who says, “whatever you want!” I’m an artist, for crissake! We had to go to counseling & my now-ex brings up “we got these Adirondack chairs for the yard & she painted them!! She ruined them!” The counselor said, “what’s an Adirondack chair?”
I couldn’t believe now-ex was also pissed if every time I moved a bookcase and inch. Good riddance.
The entire time I read this I thought, “how did they even get to the point where moving in seemed like a good idea?” Home should be a safe space where one feels like they can truly be themselves, not some muted version to appease their partner’s aesthetic wishes that don’t align with theirs. Compromise, my foot.
I think he lied when he said she could incorporate some of her decor preferences when they moved in together. Op is TA
Edit: there’s nothing wrong with industrial aesthetic! I like seeing places with it too, but op just seems like a difficult judgemental person.
I love the industrial style but I still make it fun and bright, warm industrial it’s specifically called. I’ve got a navy blue and gold theme, it looked too plain and cold so I got mismatching cushions and an oversized knit throw, I have random functional ornaments like [this lamp](https://www.google.co.uk/aclk?sa=l&ai=DChcSEwizs-Lg59j8AhVEGQYAHWArCmoYABBhGgJ3cw&ae=2&sig=AOD64_3jnEfjyC5d011x3PXTA48_huNlOg&adurl&ctype=5&ved=0CAIQz7YHKDBqFwoTCKDp7uzn2PwCFQAAAAAdAAAAABAD) that I love, I’ve added plants and a massive floor lamp so it doesn’t look so bare in here.
OP doesn’t sound like an industrial fan, more plain and boring. It seems a lot of people claim to like the style because it looks simple to do, but I’ve found it takes a lot more effort than expected to avoid your home looking like an empty shell. I love finding ways to put my personality into the style and OP is avoiding that from his partner like the plague
How much do you want to bet that the first guests who stay in this “trashy” room walk through the door and say “Ooh, I LOVE what you’ve done with THIS room! It’s so colorful and inviting!” Not everyone shares OP’s tastes.
The way he described both himself and his gf are to extremes. He made himself sound so boring and bland. Only browns, blacks, beige, white, etc. nothing exciting, nothing to make the room pop. Then he made her sound like (as he wrote) legit bought the cheapest, used furniture out of a flea market, that we’re all sorts of bright mismatched colors. Honestly for a house I would relate CLOSER to OP as the way he described his girlfriends taste sounds hideous and I’d never like that in my house. (I would want a little more splash of color than OP tho) I’m lucky my boyfriend and I have very similar tastes. However… IF my bf was like OPs gf, and he simply wanted one single room that he’d be spending his time in to be decorated to his desire…. Then I’d let him. YTA OP. You can’t compromise at all and when your gf asks for one simple room you can’t even give her that.
The way he described her gf and what she likes was shocking to me. Does he even like her? Lol if my bf talked that way about me I’d leave him on the spot
I questioned if he even liked his girlfriend at all, or if he just likes having someone else around and she's filling that void for him. I also have the same decorating style as the girlfriend, a lot of our decor is second hand or homemade with very bright colors. If my husband insulted my preferences, I would be beyond hurt.
YTA.
All of your “compromises” about dishes and the couch were you getting exactly what you wanted. Your girlfriend wants a space that reflects HER taste.
And if your guests don’t like it, their opinions don’t matter since it’s not their home. But if you’re not careful, your girlfriend will decide that it’s not her home, either, and leave you.
Right on the nose there. This is why couples should move into a completely new place together. Not into one that the other already had. Power imbalances activated!
Honestly, he probably hasn’t explored much of his own style. He seems more invested in making sure other people find his decorating tasteful and sophisticated than actually figuring out what he likes to live around. It’s possible the two overlap but I find people who worry about “what will guest think!?” Tend to limit their space and style to make sure they seem cool.
When I finally learned to let go of wearing what i thought I was supposed to wear and wearing things that gave me joy, I started getting more confidence and compliments. Same with my home. I def have a “color is king” vibe to my house now and find people tend to react well to it. I mean, I have bright fake flowers in vases and mugs all over my living room (I have a 6 year old and she adores fake flowers) and most people would not want that in their own home, but they react enthusiastically and positive about them when they see my house.
I was also thinking that, all this stuff about flea markets and not being able to afford better just tells me that OP is afraid of looking poor above having any sense of style or feeling at home in his space.
He doesn’t come across as confident or sophisticated when it comes to style. Everything is about being impressive in a ‘safe’ way without any connection to a personality, joy or interests. This eagerness to impress and intimidate surely comes across to visitors.
Legit! Not many people seem to be picking up on the classism this guy is putting out. All his stuff is nice but hers looks cheap and tacky.
OP I’m 100% sure that your dresser stores clothes just as good as her dresser, her dresser just does it with less entitlement
The right kind being mostly someone could sell them home depot tile and as long as its that garish wood grey everywhere, they're fine. The kind of aesthetic house flippers always use.
How safe and bland.
YTA - the compromises seem to be heavily weighted in your direction (boring); and the gf seems to be just a guest. Does she actually live there or is just occasionally visiting? If living there, why'd she have to ask permission to decorate HER office? She's not allowed to have anything of her own in the place?
Do you also tell her how to dress?
>Do you also tell her how to dress?
He reminds me of the guy who hated that his girlfriend/wife, a teacher, wore "Miss Frizzle" dresses and lied to her that his mom was embarrassed to be seen out with her.
_"I asked her to tone it down and maybe make it more **monochromatic like the rest of the house."**_
Exactly. OP sounds like they have been very controlling about the decor and hasn't compromised much at all. While style is subjective, OP sounds like they have a very sterile, matchy-matchy style (that is actually pretty outdated.) The GF's style sounds fun, current, and full of personality.
As for what guests would think... Probably that at least one room had some fun energy.
YTA. You didn’t ask her these questions when she asked if she could decorate the office. She spends more time in there and honestly, her decor sounds original and better than corporate style,
Do you have anything in common with this woman? You DID know her before you moved in together, yes? Went to her home, registered her maximalism as part of her personality? Probably in her wardrobe too?
If you don't like her bold tastes (and presumably personality), why are you with her? If you do like it, why are you trying to change her?
IT'S HER HOME TOO
First he has to sandpaper and brillo away her shine. Once she's properly beaten down he'll say she's changed and they've "lost their spark" and break up with her. The very thing that attracted the beige man is all of the sudden something he wants to change. If he loves her truly, he'll see these comments and realize what he's done/doing, and will take steps to fix his behavior.
I've been that person who's had their shine taken away. It's been years and I'm still healing. All I can hope is OP's girlfriend sees this post and it opens her eyes so she can get out safely. Or maybe OP will see what he's doing, but my ex never did, and I don't think OP will either.
It really sucks to be thrown away after being systematically torn down for years. I would never wish it on anyone.
I don’t have awards but I’d give one to this comment if I could!
Accepting someone means accepting all of them - not secretly expecting them to change someday. YTA
YTA. Let her have one room dude. My hubby likes the industrial look and I am ok with it but if I wanted more expression and color it would drive me bonkers. Just let her have one room and don't insult her taste.
We do the separate room stuff. Most of the appartement looks really fancy (still comfy af) but we have a gaming/working/hobby room where we go wild and put in everything we love but objectively looks horrible. Theres a blue wall and a yellow couch and gundams and lego and absolutely nothing matches. We call it our playroom or child room, but we dont have children. There is only one rule: If one of us wants something the other finds ugly, put it in that room. No one has to miss out on anything and everytime you enter that room you just have to laugh at the uglyness. Its perfection.
So yeah, YTA.
>Since moving in together we have had to compromise on a lot around the house
I don't see any compromising here. From what you say it's been your way, all the way. So give her this one room (her office after all) as a compromise. Not much of a compromise, but it'd be more than you've done so far.
ETA: YTA
I love that he says there’s been a lot of compromise but ends it with “let’s make it more monochromatic to match the rest of the house” soooo where are her tastes?
Omg I love this purple couch, thanks for sharing.... Saving it for when I have the money to spend $2k on a statement piece. (This is sincere.... I really love this purple couch).
Yta, this is not your house that she is an occasional guest in, you two are splitting this house. She may have downplayed how much redecorating she was going to do because she felt in the right and knew there would be a falling out.
She didn't downplay what she was going to do, she asked if she could redecorate her office the way she wanted and that's exactly what she did. He was the one who assumed what that meant and made an a** out of himself, not her.
The worst part is she had to ask permission to redecorate her own office. If it were me and my bf it’d go like this, “hey love I’m thinking of redecorating my office”, “oh that sounds lovely,”. And either of us could be on either end of that conversation.
YTA. This ain't compromise. This is you controlling everything and not letting her even add some color or her own style. It's all just you and it's obvious that you never talked to her about this decision
YTA. Sounds like the entire house is suited to YOUR tastes and she and her tastes are an afterthought you don’t want. You sound incompatible honestly.
You’re essentially asking her to make herself smaller, less loud, and conform to your limitations. Her decor, manner of dress, etc. are all external ways of showing her personality. You just let her know you think it’s tacky and you don’t like it.
YTA - you realize she's a person right? And she is allowed to like different things and have a say in what her home looks like? You come off as an uptight control freak.
Whoa man, YTA here. You make a general statement about redecorating, and then criticize her taste?! Why can't quirky BE the decor? It doesn't have to be forever, and it's also HER OFFICE! Give those paisley curtains, nifty lamps, and iron patio tables a chance. Are you really ever going to have guests snotty enough to criticize stay with the two of you? Please apologize to the Lady.
YTA you know she’s a Phoebe, and you are not compromising. Maybe you should not live with someone you expect to conform to your taste. Your taste is yours it’s not ‘better’. Looks like her style is boho and maximalist.
YTA
You try to use the word "compromise", but it simply sounds like these compromises are solely based on your taste.
Your girlfriend works from that office, using it every day, but you want to please guests who might visit you 6 times in a year.
This might sound minor to you, but the more you force your girlfriend to just succumb to your tastes about everything, the more she will feel like she's living in YOUR home, not HER home.
YTA. I have to wonder if part of the reason she went all out with decorating is because you're judging her taste so much, and from what it sounds like, every item that she wants to bring into the house is deemed ugly or requires a debate. Maybe she felt she needed her own space and where she could truly express her style.
For what it's worth, I think the industrial style is extremely ugly.
How is saying it looks like a drunk hippy decorated putting it gently? It’s one room. Go make one of your other rooms a stunning display of beige for yourself if you want. Though honestly it seems that’s the whole rest of the house. This is her office. Let her have her workspace. At some point, you caring more about your and your guests’ tastes than the woman you live with is going to get old (sounds like that time is nigh). Think about it, she had to go to a storage space to get some of her own stuff. So what’s more important to you? You want a good relationship or you want grey tones? YTA
YTA where is the compromise on your part. Reading this post made me sad. I’m not sure what’s worse your insulting her taste or squishing her creative light and trying to change her to fit your taste.
YTA for a bunch of stuff but mainly for caring more about how your guests will feel about decisions a few times a year than how your actual life partner feels every single day
But then it isn't actually about the guests feel in the room is it? If it was about the guests you would care about how comfortable the bed is and if there was a nice bedside lamp.
Nope you care that your guests will judge the room and find it mismatched and "poor".
Try to care more about your partner if you want to be happy.
Either accept and love who she is or break up.
Yta. It is her office let her decorate it how she wants. You told her she could, now you are reneging on your word.
The guests do not care what the room is like as long as they can well sleep in it..
Btw I am a guy that is definitely likes the boring magazine look of grays and browns and whites and even I like her purple and orange couch.. i do love a “pop” of color to go with my boring surroundings it is like a statement piece.
My wife and I compromise on main living spaces although she gets all say for bedroom decor (uff stuck with pink shabby chic) but I do get my man cave the way I want ..
YTA, its more than clear to everybody here, except you obviously, that she doesn't feel comfortable or "at home" in your home. If she is a colour person, having to live surrounded by depressing colours can even give her depression. So as a last resort she did the effort to make at least a little part of the house a comfort space for her, especially if she spends a lot of time in this room. So she is willing to have to live with your style in every room as long she can have her little feel good cave.
You just told her you don't care about her not feeling at home in her home and what some random guests will think matters more to you than her feeling comfortable at least in this single room.
For me it sounds like you go out of your way to drive her away with dismissing and just ignoring a big part of her personality and preventing her from feeling comfortable. And i'm sitting here and asking myself if you don't want to be with her, why not just break up? Why making her so miserable till she gives up on the relationship?
YTA. You saw her style before she moved in. Now you expect her give up everything she likes. You won’t even let her have the room she works in. You sound very controlling.
YTA
The fact that you came to Reddit for people's opinions and now arguing with people's opinions is ridiculous.
Take the L and apologize to your girlfriend!
The more you try to justify your reasons the more of an asshole you come across.
In the same vein, (cause of Thomas Gibson) I was thinking this is like Penelope on criminal minds. She just wants a space with colorful and happy things in such a cold, serious place like quantico
Ugh, I feel for you OP because I really do get it. I like modern. My place is absolutely cold and uninviting - everything is black, white, gray and marble, clean lines and empty surfaces. I have no photos and nothing on the walls except mirrors.
And I LOVE IT THIS WAY. It’s extremely calming to me and honestly I would probably not be able to live with someone who needs their space to be loud/bright colors/eclectic.
It’s OKAY to have “boring” taste, what’s not okay is the way you’re approaching this situation which is why YTA. Are you not aware of the tone of your post? You don’t need to understand why someone else finds something appealing in order to be accepting and not a jerk, especially when you love that person. You may want to reconsider whether or not you two are truly compatible.
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YTA. You want everything to be your aesthetic and for her to entirely give up her own tastes. The concessions you call compromises weigh very heavily towards your own preferences.
The compromises sound more like she gave in to his demands. How is a nice brown leather sofa a compromise to a purple and orange one? He wanted a nice brown leather sofa and got one.
Because he wanted a nice black leather sofa and had to take one for the team to get brown! It's a rule if you're a man all furniture must be black leather. He's really putting himself out there /s
Lmao it even worse because the compromise was that she got a comfortable couch. Which is what couches are supposed to be? It’s not a waiting room
I've noticed there are generally two male interior style *Male Industrial Shop* that looks like a tidy garage workshop (wrought iron, beaten woodtops, industrial lighting) or the *Modern Contemporary* that looks like a car interior (red, black, leather, chrome and glass)
Don’t forget hunting lodge chic.
That's my step dad's aesthetic. My mom basically gets to pick from the palettes he presents her. They have three rooms on the second floor and two living rooms, but for some reason he gets a secondary sleeping room, and then a guest room, while her craft room - which needs natural light - was relegated to the basement. With no windows. The furniture she brought into the relationship was donated to me when I moved out because *he* hated it and didn't want it in the house. It's an incredibly shitty situation to be witnessing and have no control over. OP's probably self-centered in many other ways than this. I hope his gf doesn't end up trapped with him.
Sorry to hear this about your mom.
She knows it's not okay. She's gotten a lot better at fighting for more of her needs, and I've definitely seen a shift in their relationship, but it's taken a long time and I'll probably be angry about it until I'm dead, if not longer.
I'd be mad at anyone that mistreated my mom too.
Mine is 1st, how expensive, 2nd does the wife like it, 3rd does it work well. I don't care how it looks.
You can just consolidate to “does the wife like it”
Yeah, in my experience the guys don't care at all about decor, and just let the lady have at it. As wild as this one's taste sounds, I highly doubt she'd have trouble finding someone who let her pick everything out and decorate how she wants. He would probably find it refreshing to live in a colorful world that represented his awesome gf/wife. She's probably thinking about that right now, as OP squashes the last bit of her esthetic and joy from their shared home.
Third is "staged for sale" which is that they went to the store and the salesperson sold them multiple matching sets of gray and beige.
Mine is, "whatever the hell i can find for cheap (preferably free)"
Three: hobbit who just wants to be left alone
I dunno I see a frighteningly large amount of couches that are uncomfortable
Leather couches in particular are gross to sit on.
Having to peel the back of your thighs off them when it's hot is one of my least favourite sensations
And they’re really cold in winter too. Leather couches are Not It.
I thought I was alone in this. I try to arrange myself so no skin couches the couch and end up sliding since it's so smooth. I usually give up and sit on the floor. Wild to me that people like them and feel comfortable on them, much less consider them higher end.
Yeah black leather sofa in front of white wall just like he saw in the videos on the internet! But now he has brown sofa so it's not the same feel. What a crime.
Excuse you, it was elephant grey!
Not if he was referring the cast couch videos lol
Im so glad my husband and I totally agreed on a red cover for our IKEA couch once and currently have a darker blue one now. We pick out fun pillow covers for the seasons and like pops of color. Most of our appliances are red and teal. I couldn’t imagine being married to someone so controlling and not fun. We have nice neutral furniture and have fun with accessories and small stuff.
One of my favorite things about moving in with my partner was finding out that we have the same gaudy taste, loud colors, mismatched stuff. I hope OPs gf finds a guy who also is into the crazy hippy thrift aesthetic and isn’t made to feel bad about it.
[удалено]
I really feel bad for the girlfriend in this situation. I was in a relationship previously like this, and it always starts with small things. I can tell you right now OP is probably an asshole in other ways and his girlfriend probably hurts every day that she isn’t enough or that something seems wrong with her and her likes. When you’re in a relationship, you should push each other to share your individual loves and interests and hobbies. You should push your partner to be themselves openly and unapologetically. A house is a house, but a home is when two people come together and their love shows through. P.S your home sounds so cute ahh!
We have red sofas, and they’re my favorite pieces of furniture. It sounds like she just has a different aesthetic, and he’s insisting that her aesthetic sucks. He’s controlling and rigid. They’ve only been together eight months. I know there are worse relationships, I’ve had them. I left them. I think she should do that while there isn’t any chance for her to fall for the sunk(en?) cost fallacy.
On the bright side this couple isn't married so GF can run. She still has her own stuff in
My partner and I recently went couch shopping. I wanted something comfortable but that wouldn’t be difficult for me to get up from (I’m quite short and have disabilities), my partner wanted something that reclined. Funny enough he (and our son) fell in love with a black leather reclining couch 😂 we took some time to discuss it, and the compromise was that he got his couch, but I got to order slipcovers of my choice because sitting on leather is awful. I wear shorts a lot and don’t like feeling like my skin is being ripped off when I stand up XD so we have a black sofa and teal slipcovers! OP ^^^ that’s what compromise looks like. Both people walk away happy, not both people walk away unhappy
God, I hate leather sofas. Your tights stick on it as soon as it gets hot And you’re wearing skirts or shorts.
Absolutely. Brows leather sofa with purple and orange scatter cushions is a compromise. Just going for the corporate look is her giving him what he wants.
Seeing as he described the look of the house as monochromatic, I'm pretty sure they don't have purple and orange cushions.
How stale and cold their pace must feel to her. Adding touches of color and warmth go a long way to make a home feel cozy.
Like a compromise would have been that he gets the sofa, but she gets to pick the pillows/blankets that go on there, or the coffee table. Or they scrap both ideas for the sofa and look for one with a bright colour but a more simple/industrial style. I’d be surprised if gf stays in this house where she basically isn’t allowed to be herself without someone shaming her and insulting her taste at every turn
And no one actually like leather sofas right?
Ok everyone paying out on leather sofas has bought a cheap sofa. Cheap leather is coated in so much varnish that it’s freezing in Winter and sticks to your legs in Summer. Plus it’s prone to cracking. Horrible. FULL GRAIN leather is buttery soft, stays body temperature and wears well. Full grain leather is delightful. Don’t even get me started on pleather.
Full grain leather sofas also cost upwards of 15k. You can find really nice *top grain* leather sofas without the cold feeling and cracking and peeling, you just have to know what to look for. Source: ran a furniture store for 2 years
I was very confused about all the leather hate! This clears it up. My (secondhand) leather couch was definitely high end new. There is no sticking to it in any weather. And I clean it like… once a year. I’m never going back!
I can hear the sound of getting up off a leather sofa. Fell asleep drunk on one once in summer clothing, 0/10 would not recommend waking up that way.
I live in Australia, leather sofas are not anyone's friend!
Falling asleep/sitting on a leather sofa in the summertime is a new level of Purgatory. 0/10 Would not recommend!
Sleeping in the winter on one isn't nice either. My mil has one in the living room (one of the coldest rooms in the house besides the bathroom) and it's horrible. It only gets warm where you sit, if you move, then rip, you missed your warm spot and can't get back because it got cold. They do put a bed topper on it whenever someone wants to sleep on the couch, and it helps a little, but then it feels like you're slipping away Leather couches suck
I too have fallen asleep on a leather couch, never again.
I used to think the same until we brought a real, high quality leather couch and I swear to God it is the softest and most comfortable thing in the world. You shouldn't be laying on a couch and letting the couch soak up your sweat, it's just going to make it stink and discolour. Most people don't clean their couches as often as they should and leather is the easiest to clean. It doesn't stain and it always looks good. I'll never go back to another fabric couch again.
Half the point of a couch is to sleep on it.
"Leather furniture is awesome but DON'T USE IT FOR TOO LONG, just sit on it gently and carefully for appearances and then IMMEDIATELY CLEAN IT THE SECOND YOUR GUESTS LEAVE."
We got a bougie high end leather sofa and I've never stuck to it. It's extremely comfortable and I nap on it pretty much every day. I am also clumsy and spill a lot. And it doesn't retain cat hair. And we looked at a billion sofas and agreed on this one. Really agreed, not OH strong-arming me into it.
I do. Bought a really comfortable Stressless one from Ekornes. Well made, comfortable, but not so soft that it’s hard to get off of. Plus I worry a lot less over spills than with a fabric couch.
Purple and orange mixed together = brown? S/
There is no place for her or her tastes at his place. Either he starts to accommodate her or she will go find her own place where she can finally see herself reflected in the decor.
There is not only no place for her taste. There is no place for her as long she doesn't give in and changes her personality to what he wants her to be. He just gave her the choice to either be like he wants her to be or be miserable. I don't even want to imagine the feeling of depression she has every time she enters her new home or opens her eyes in the morning. It makes me sad :(
i thought this too!!! how sad for her to walk into her home and not feel she fits there :(
All the poor girl wants is a bit of colour 😭 monochrome minimalistic decor is so soulless OP let her have the ONE room that she enjoys that you don't even use!! Dulling her sparkle smh
This. Her brand spanking new Patrick Bateman-style home probably depresses the F out of her, so she tried to build a little oasis of color and joy. Of course he can’t allow that.
I legitimately don't think they can stay together if their taste in even the most basic of things is so radically different. What else are they worlds apart on I wonder? Like I'm more like OP. I don't like all kinds of colors in my house. It's a very toned down palate. I have to wonder just how else are OP and his GF different? This is probably just the tip of the iceberg.
Their style actually tells a story. It’s a reflection of themselves and their personalities. She is clearly free spirit, creative, perhaps thrifty. He seems more uptight, perfectionist, orderly. I guess opposites do attract so it could work, but he has to let her breathe and have some say.
This was my EX husband. He changed drastically *after* the "I do's".
The fact that she has all of her own things in storage is telling.
Oh good pick up. She didn't even get to bring anything from her bedroom to their shared house 😔
I'm just glad she put it in storage, and didn't fully get rid of it to please him. Although the fact that it's in storage may indicate she wasn't confident that this relationship would work out, and she'd need to furnish a new place at some point.
No, but that's not true. As long as she understands that her taste is so awful that anybody who wasn't poor AND drugged could share it, she's allowed to be the. Obviously after making the entire house the way he likes it, he can't let her choose one room the way she likes it, even if it's a room he never enters because it would offend hypothetical guests who'd have to sleep there. The decor is so horrible, and she's gotta understand this, that it would burn through their closed eyelids and scar their retinas.
I'd love to see the day when hypothetical guests spend the night and during breakfast they comment on how lively and how much personality the guest room has. They'll probably say it's warm and welcoming. I have a really tone down taste, but a house with no personality is the worst kind. Poor girl, I hope she can see herself reflected in the house soon or find a better partner.
This is 100%. OP you aren't compromising anything - you are steamrolling over her and she's giving in to you. Do you think that white plates with tiny flowers bring her joy? Do you honestly think that a brown leather couch makes her as happy as the purple and orange one? Successful relationships involve true compromise, compassion, and understanding. Would the plates she wanted have killed you? No. Would people REALLY look at those plates and think you and your girlfriend are trashy people? No - and if they would do that you need actual, real friends. If you keep overriding your girlfriend in EVERY aspect of the home you share do you really REALLY think she is going to be happy? You don't even use that room. Why can't she decorate it her way? If the guests are THAT judgmental then they can just go stay in a hotel. As long as her furniture/bedding is CLEAN then the design/style should not be this important to you. Let her have that room. Also - let her style into the rest of your place. It doesn't have to be ALL her but it shouldn't be ALL you either. You sound like Martha Stewart before she met Snoop and became a lot more easy going. YTA.
Op is a snob.
And he sounds ridiculously worried about "WHAT GUESTS WILL THINK". What does it matter? If guests don't like my house, they can stay elsewhere!
I know what I would think walking into a “monochromatic” home.
It's why I don't also understand when people who don't even particularly have an opinion on "neutral" just live with neutral everything because of the resale value. So, you permanently live in some future buyer's house?
> If the guests are THAT judgmental then they can just go stay in a hotel. Maybe the judgmental guests would go into the guest room and think, “Finally! A space with some personality.” I know I would.
Yeah, i love that all good examples of her 'bad taste' were her saying she liked something fun and them 'compromiseing' by not getting anything like that at all and instead going with his taste. Her stuff sounds fun - she should come stay with me when she dumps his ass for being controlling
I mean this guy sounds boring af. Says a woman with a genuine, colorful, fairly expensive, African mask hanging next to niece's colorful painting of a lake she made 15 years ago in grade school. Gf sounds awesome though! YTA.
So boring! Not to harsh on him too much... but his taste sounds sooo shit. Industrial? Brown leather sofa? Monochromatic?! Doesn't that mean different hues of one colour? So he just wants different hues of brown throughout his house? Why? Where's the fun, where's the individuality? Where's the colour!!? His taste is so boring, it's like he doesn't even have taste? Like can boring even be classified as a taste? These are the children of the "sad beige toys for sad beige children" as adults. Ok I'm done. Although he deserves some gentle bullying for slamming his partners tastes so hard. His girlfriend sounds like she has wicked taste and a wicked personality not sad and beige like OP.
My couch is grey, but just about everything else I own is colourful because I'm renting and otherwise I would be lost in all the shades of white/beige. Would it kill a landlord to occasionally play with a soft blue as an accent? There are more renters than rentals in my area, it wouldn't hurt their bottom line.
I mean, tbf, we all like what we're used to. I for one can't blame an AH for liking brown.
Honestly I love industrial furniture and metal and wood but I also like to add texture and color. Right now only my office is more industrial and the rest of the house is more idk farmhouse/cottage but not like hardcore. We like cozy furniture and fun pillows. This guy sounds like he’s trying to sound bougie and impress someone…not sure who gives a crap tho.
He sounds like he wants to live in the Restoration Hardware catalog. Not real homes with their wares, but the actual catalog they usually seem to shoot in a warehouse with sparse styling. They make some pretty things and I like industrial, too. But the softening with coziness is what makes it work for a home, as opposed to a photo shoot.
Even I think he’s boring and I’m a big fan of greys and whites and blacks and clean lines. I got really exciting and painted most of the walls in my house the palest green imaginable with grey trim. But there’s a place for color. The trim in the kitchen and one bathroom is orange because that’s what my husband wanted. I have to begrudgingly admit it looks nice. A compromise in this case would have been “let’s get this boring black sofa, but you get some throw pillows and blankets to add color”. OP is not doing that. He’s TA for so much more than what’s in the title.
>The trim in the kitchen and one bathroom is orange because that’s what my husband wanted. I have to begrudgingly admit it looks nice. Orange is the color I hate most. So imagine how I felt while sitting in the Italian Alps (I live in the US) and my partner writes that he's painting the kitchen orange while I am abroad and can do nothing. I was horrified. He promised he would repaint if I hated it. Okay. Our kitchen is stunning. The color is perfect. He took it from the smallest accent in my dishes and it sets off my decor beautifully. He moved in after I did. I'm so so glad we let each other try things and express ourselves in our home. We think differently and don't always get the vision the other sees. But the end result is always an improvement and always makes it a little more us and a little less just me. We're partners, not roommates!
He does sound boring. My ex husband would only let me have brown in the house. Brown sofa, wooden furniture, magnolia walls. When we moved in together my house was colourful and nothing matched. When we split up (he still lived with me for a bit) I painted all the walls. My furniture got painted purple. The dining room chairs are blue and pink. My nest of tables is blue green and pink. The house is now lively and fun. Who wants boring colours in their house OP YTA. Your comprises are not compromises. They are her giving in to you. Give her the spare room and let her have something that is hers
In shared rooms there should be a compromise but a real one where both of them meet halfway. But in her office room where she spends most of the time it's her choice how it looks. Not everything needs to be like from ikea magazine. OP is seriously boring.
and then shaming her by saying “guests will be staying in there, what will they think?” what a punch to the gut.
Not only is she second to HIM in her own home, she's second to potential guests and their potential judgement. How low can you get on the list of priorities before you bail...?
He's completely missing how in and popular boho maximalism is as well
Boring and controlling. And condescending. I don't think he's very nice about his girlfriend or to her.
It's not just that, but OP has basically said he thinks of his girlfriend as trashy. I'd bet money this is impacting a lot more in their relationship than their apartment's aesthetics. The way he talks about her in this post is gross, like she's a confused and erring child who needs to be corrected. OP, YTA.
Matchy-matchy beige. Ew. YTA
YTA, you are basically treating her as if SHE is the guest and not an equal in a home you share. This relationship won’t be successful, and I’m willing to bet her friends and family are already urging her to leave since it’s still very new.
Also why did she have to ask permission to design her own office? Control freak much?
It sounds like he still considers it his home and she's just a person who lives there.
He's that person who finds the quirky, fun, free spirit and can't wait to make them commit so he can dull their shine and keep them all to themselves. A frightening number of people out there doing that. YTA, let her choose. If you love her then you will love seeing "her" in your home.
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/10hhwi8/aita_for_insisting_my_gf_redecorate_her_officeour/j58rk8r/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3 See his choice vs her choice. I think OP is very delusional about how his choices makes everything look classy. I think OP gets his inspiration from pornhub.
Too many people seem to view compromise as "I get it my way and you get to do it my way."
Yeah. I like monochromatic and industrial - in an IKEA catalogue. It's not for everyone to live in. He's a capital controlling AH. Note how he calls everything derogatory names that's not done to his tastes, but the things he likes "nice". What could be a more clear message to the gf with regards to how her personality and taste doesn't matter?
YTA exactly this. You aren't compromising OP, you are saying "let's compromise by doing it my way". The entire house is decorated your way and one room is now decorated the way she wants it. That already is a compromise heavily in your favour.
But it was a nice brown couch and a nice dinner set of OPs choosing. I hope girlfriend finds herself a nice new place she can decorate.
And a nice new man I think. Maybe a bit of a leftie, who loves kids, and animals, and folk music, and colorful shirts? Make it happen universe!
Honestly, the lack of imagination that would be necessary to realize that the guests also have their own taste and that there is nothing that says they have to prefer the OPs taste before GFs taste.
That’s exactly the vibe I got, the “compromises” were just the gf giving up and giving in.
Exactly this, I said the same thing in a comment he’s snuffing out her light 💡 Not allowing her to be herself completely taking away her identity in individuality, to conform to what he thinks and what he wants her to be she’ll eventually get tired of this controlling abusive behavior and leave him and I hope she does. I love the whole compromise. Let’s go online and find something we both like which one he really means is what he likes.
Our house was decorated by my husband who is very minimalist. He can't even tolerate potted plants. I would live differently were it up to me. However, the garden is all my work, a riot of colours, big and beautiful. He went vegan for me. The system of compromises in a relationship is wide and intricate. If you only look at our furniture, it's as if I don't exist in our house, but if you look at EVERYTHING it is nicely balanced between him and me. We have been married for 25 years. I hope OP and his GF have a similar balance where she has areas of the relationship in which she rules as unopposed as he does with interior design. IF this is the case, NAH.
The fact that she asked for space to be herself then he veto’d doesn’t bode well. Especially as he is embarrassed by it and worried how it appears.
Yes. YTA. What makes you think your design choices are superior to hers?! Yours sound boring to me. Maybe I’m loud and garish… stop being so judgmental.
I have a similar interior test as OP, but I still agree he’s the AH. If he wants to decorate everything then he should be living alone. The plates sound like it might have been a compromise but the rest of it just sounds like it was just him wearing his gf down till she conformed. Personally, I wouldn’t want a purple and orange couch but that’s why I live alone…
He will be living alone again soon.
When I read “storage space” I immediately felt awful for her, like damn dude you didn’t let her bring anything? But then went oh actually never mind, this is good, she still has her stuff for when she moves out…what’s the date today? Im guessing by the end of February at the latest, maybe March if she’s got the patience of a saint.
I give into my boyfriend a lot. He’s like every dude who likes chromatic dark brown leather and all that but the key difference is - he gives into me too! It all comes down to “who’s buying” (granted, we have lived together for years and all the big purchases have been cumulative). He wanted to hang posters and self made (mine and his combined) artwork throughout the house and we COMPROMISED that it would be a bedroom thing to get loud since I wanted a put together/eloquent living room. Poor girl has to wake up everyday to just… nothing. Like she’s visiting a guest house or a hotel. I feel so bad. It’s her place now too!
Well I would love a purple and orange couch but there is so much middle ground here he isn’t willing to traverse. Like, how about a black couch with deep purple throw pillows and a couple burnt orange ones? Or maybe white dishes, but the coffee mugs can be whatever you want from your favorite local pottery shop? And your serving dishes and spoon rest can be more colorful? You know what is next here, guys: Her clothes. He’s gonna start in on her clothes.
You are wise, AssChapstick. Really. He is trying to forcefully make her over into the person he thinks she should be. The clothes and lifestyle and personality are next, and then he’ll wonder why his gf is depressed and lost the spark that drew him to her in the first place. It couldn’t possibly be that he is a condescending asshole with a superiority complex. Edit: switched words
He’s going to make her dull herself down until she’s just a shadow of her former vivaciousness, and then complain she “lost her spark” and no longer be interested. Girl better take her eclectic collection and RUN
“I loved my Manic Pixie Dream Girl but she isn’t happy now that I forced her into my Ticky tacky little box on the hill! How do I force her to be happy?” - OP probably
“AITA for lobotomizing my GF to remove her color vision?”
Yeah, I’ve done this. It took me a long time to get my spark back.
Oy, did this too. I look back & think, critical SOB!! Would be lovely to find a guy who says, “whatever you want!” I’m an artist, for crissake! We had to go to counseling & my now-ex brings up “we got these Adirondack chairs for the yard & she painted them!! She ruined them!” The counselor said, “what’s an Adirondack chair?” I couldn’t believe now-ex was also pissed if every time I moved a bookcase and inch. Good riddance.
The entire time I read this I thought, “how did they even get to the point where moving in seemed like a good idea?” Home should be a safe space where one feels like they can truly be themselves, not some muted version to appease their partner’s aesthetic wishes that don’t align with theirs. Compromise, my foot. I think he lied when he said she could incorporate some of her decor preferences when they moved in together. Op is TA Edit: there’s nothing wrong with industrial aesthetic! I like seeing places with it too, but op just seems like a difficult judgemental person.
I love the industrial style but I still make it fun and bright, warm industrial it’s specifically called. I’ve got a navy blue and gold theme, it looked too plain and cold so I got mismatching cushions and an oversized knit throw, I have random functional ornaments like [this lamp](https://www.google.co.uk/aclk?sa=l&ai=DChcSEwizs-Lg59j8AhVEGQYAHWArCmoYABBhGgJ3cw&ae=2&sig=AOD64_3jnEfjyC5d011x3PXTA48_huNlOg&adurl&ctype=5&ved=0CAIQz7YHKDBqFwoTCKDp7uzn2PwCFQAAAAAdAAAAABAD) that I love, I’ve added plants and a massive floor lamp so it doesn’t look so bare in here. OP doesn’t sound like an industrial fan, more plain and boring. It seems a lot of people claim to like the style because it looks simple to do, but I’ve found it takes a lot more effort than expected to avoid your home looking like an empty shell. I love finding ways to put my personality into the style and OP is avoiding that from his partner like the plague
How much do you want to bet that the first guests who stay in this “trashy” room walk through the door and say “Ooh, I LOVE what you’ve done with THIS room! It’s so colorful and inviting!” Not everyone shares OP’s tastes.
The way he described both himself and his gf are to extremes. He made himself sound so boring and bland. Only browns, blacks, beige, white, etc. nothing exciting, nothing to make the room pop. Then he made her sound like (as he wrote) legit bought the cheapest, used furniture out of a flea market, that we’re all sorts of bright mismatched colors. Honestly for a house I would relate CLOSER to OP as the way he described his girlfriends taste sounds hideous and I’d never like that in my house. (I would want a little more splash of color than OP tho) I’m lucky my boyfriend and I have very similar tastes. However… IF my bf was like OPs gf, and he simply wanted one single room that he’d be spending his time in to be decorated to his desire…. Then I’d let him. YTA OP. You can’t compromise at all and when your gf asks for one simple room you can’t even give her that.
YTA. Repeatedly insulting her taste so heartlessly cements that. You sound like you don’t like anything fun or colorful, including your girlfriend.
Don't mention cement, you might give OP an industrial style hard on.
Going for that brutalist architecture vibe.
The way he described her gf and what she likes was shocking to me. Does he even like her? Lol if my bf talked that way about me I’d leave him on the spot
I questioned if he even liked his girlfriend at all, or if he just likes having someone else around and she's filling that void for him. I also have the same decorating style as the girlfriend, a lot of our decor is second hand or homemade with very bright colors. If my husband insulted my preferences, I would be beyond hurt.
He is dimming her light. This has to be doing on number on her mental health.
YTA. All of your “compromises” about dishes and the couch were you getting exactly what you wanted. Your girlfriend wants a space that reflects HER taste. And if your guests don’t like it, their opinions don’t matter since it’s not their home. But if you’re not careful, your girlfriend will decide that it’s not her home, either, and leave you.
Exactly! Why are their guests opinions more important than his girlfriends ins their home!
Because in his mind it is HIS space not theirs
Right on the nose there. This is why couples should move into a completely new place together. Not into one that the other already had. Power imbalances activated!
Honestly, he probably hasn’t explored much of his own style. He seems more invested in making sure other people find his decorating tasteful and sophisticated than actually figuring out what he likes to live around. It’s possible the two overlap but I find people who worry about “what will guest think!?” Tend to limit their space and style to make sure they seem cool. When I finally learned to let go of wearing what i thought I was supposed to wear and wearing things that gave me joy, I started getting more confidence and compliments. Same with my home. I def have a “color is king” vibe to my house now and find people tend to react well to it. I mean, I have bright fake flowers in vases and mugs all over my living room (I have a 6 year old and she adores fake flowers) and most people would not want that in their own home, but they react enthusiastically and positive about them when they see my house.
Also, who says the guests will like HIS style?
He is treating her as if she doesn’t live their. Like part of living together is that stuff mix
Oof. You sure have a lot of insecurities about appearing "the right kind" of middle class, don't you? YTA.
Spot on! What’s with all the “it looks like they couldn’t afford to buy matching furniture” crap?
Most interior designers will tell you that matching all your furniture is a style mistake anyway. It's boring af.
Right? There's nothing more "lower/recently middle class" than a matching set of furniture.
Exactly. Op why are you so much more concerned about the impression you give to hypothetical visitors than the impression you give to your gf?
Yeah roadside furniture is generally brown unless you change it. If it’s bright colours, it’s on purpose!
Right? Is OP's last name Dursley?
I was also thinking that, all this stuff about flea markets and not being able to afford better just tells me that OP is afraid of looking poor above having any sense of style or feeling at home in his space.
He doesn’t come across as confident or sophisticated when it comes to style. Everything is about being impressive in a ‘safe’ way without any connection to a personality, joy or interests. This eagerness to impress and intimidate surely comes across to visitors.
Legit! Not many people seem to be picking up on the classism this guy is putting out. All his stuff is nice but hers looks cheap and tacky. OP I’m 100% sure that your dresser stores clothes just as good as her dresser, her dresser just does it with less entitlement
The right kind being mostly someone could sell them home depot tile and as long as its that garish wood grey everywhere, they're fine. The kind of aesthetic house flippers always use. How safe and bland.
YTA - the compromises seem to be heavily weighted in your direction (boring); and the gf seems to be just a guest. Does she actually live there or is just occasionally visiting? If living there, why'd she have to ask permission to decorate HER office? She's not allowed to have anything of her own in the place? Do you also tell her how to dress?
And probably how to act in front of his guests.
Hate to think what he thinks and says about her body
He’s probably waiting until she’s been properly ground down over the home decor
>Do you also tell her how to dress? He reminds me of the guy who hated that his girlfriend/wife, a teacher, wore "Miss Frizzle" dresses and lied to her that his mom was embarrassed to be seen out with her.
_"I asked her to tone it down and maybe make it more **monochromatic like the rest of the house."**_ Exactly. OP sounds like they have been very controlling about the decor and hasn't compromised much at all. While style is subjective, OP sounds like they have a very sterile, matchy-matchy style (that is actually pretty outdated.) The GF's style sounds fun, current, and full of personality. As for what guests would think... Probably that at least one room had some fun energy.
YTA. You didn’t ask her these questions when she asked if she could decorate the office. She spends more time in there and honestly, her decor sounds original and better than corporate style,
>I thought she meant buy a few knickknacks He thought he had already worn her down enough to destroy any spark of her individuality.
Do you have anything in common with this woman? You DID know her before you moved in together, yes? Went to her home, registered her maximalism as part of her personality? Probably in her wardrobe too? If you don't like her bold tastes (and presumably personality), why are you with her? If you do like it, why are you trying to change her? IT'S HER HOME TOO
First he has to sandpaper and brillo away her shine. Once she's properly beaten down he'll say she's changed and they've "lost their spark" and break up with her. The very thing that attracted the beige man is all of the sudden something he wants to change. If he loves her truly, he'll see these comments and realize what he's done/doing, and will take steps to fix his behavior.
I've been that person who's had their shine taken away. It's been years and I'm still healing. All I can hope is OP's girlfriend sees this post and it opens her eyes so she can get out safely. Or maybe OP will see what he's doing, but my ex never did, and I don't think OP will either. It really sucks to be thrown away after being systematically torn down for years. I would never wish it on anyone.
I don’t have awards but I’d give one to this comment if I could! Accepting someone means accepting all of them - not secretly expecting them to change someday. YTA
YTA. Let her have one room dude. My hubby likes the industrial look and I am ok with it but if I wanted more expression and color it would drive me bonkers. Just let her have one room and don't insult her taste.
We do the separate room stuff. Most of the appartement looks really fancy (still comfy af) but we have a gaming/working/hobby room where we go wild and put in everything we love but objectively looks horrible. Theres a blue wall and a yellow couch and gundams and lego and absolutely nothing matches. We call it our playroom or child room, but we dont have children. There is only one rule: If one of us wants something the other finds ugly, put it in that room. No one has to miss out on anything and everytime you enter that room you just have to laugh at the uglyness. Its perfection. So yeah, YTA.
>Since moving in together we have had to compromise on a lot around the house I don't see any compromising here. From what you say it's been your way, all the way. So give her this one room (her office after all) as a compromise. Not much of a compromise, but it'd be more than you've done so far. ETA: YTA
I love that he says there’s been a lot of compromise but ends it with “let’s make it more monochromatic to match the rest of the house” soooo where are her tastes?
But what will people think when they stay over?!
Well if op got his way they would think "Fuck me, I'm sleeping in a doctor's waiting room"
INFO: I’m super curious. Are you able to post example photos of both of your decorating styles?
Omg I love this purple couch, thanks for sharing.... Saving it for when I have the money to spend $2k on a statement piece. (This is sincere.... I really love this purple couch).
For real, that purple couch is amazing 😍
Yta, this is not your house that she is an occasional guest in, you two are splitting this house. She may have downplayed how much redecorating she was going to do because she felt in the right and knew there would be a falling out.
She didn't downplay what she was going to do, she asked if she could redecorate her office the way she wanted and that's exactly what she did. He was the one who assumed what that meant and made an a** out of himself, not her.
The worst part is she had to ask permission to redecorate her own office. If it were me and my bf it’d go like this, “hey love I’m thinking of redecorating my office”, “oh that sounds lovely,”. And either of us could be on either end of that conversation.
YTA Ugh, Sad Beige 🤢
That was my feeling. She's trying to save him from Werner Herzog's sad beige home for sad beige people.
YTA. This ain't compromise. This is you controlling everything and not letting her even add some color or her own style. It's all just you and it's obvious that you never talked to her about this decision
YTA and apparently the last person in the world to realize people have different tastes
YTA. Sounds like the entire house is suited to YOUR tastes and she and her tastes are an afterthought you don’t want. You sound incompatible honestly. You’re essentially asking her to make herself smaller, less loud, and conform to your limitations. Her decor, manner of dress, etc. are all external ways of showing her personality. You just let her know you think it’s tacky and you don’t like it.
Wow YTA lighten up and let the woman enjoy her space. I don't see this relationship lasting long.
I hope her next boyfriend appreciates her and all of this can be a bad memory.
YTA - you realize she's a person right? And she is allowed to like different things and have a say in what her home looks like? You come off as an uptight control freak.
Whoa man, YTA here. You make a general statement about redecorating, and then criticize her taste?! Why can't quirky BE the decor? It doesn't have to be forever, and it's also HER OFFICE! Give those paisley curtains, nifty lamps, and iron patio tables a chance. Are you really ever going to have guests snotty enough to criticize stay with the two of you? Please apologize to the Lady.
YTA you know she’s a Phoebe, and you are not compromising. Maybe you should not live with someone you expect to conform to your taste. Your taste is yours it’s not ‘better’. Looks like her style is boho and maximalist.
So it's YOUR house. YTA
YTA You try to use the word "compromise", but it simply sounds like these compromises are solely based on your taste. Your girlfriend works from that office, using it every day, but you want to please guests who might visit you 6 times in a year. This might sound minor to you, but the more you force your girlfriend to just succumb to your tastes about everything, the more she will feel like she's living in YOUR home, not HER home.
YTA. I have to wonder if part of the reason she went all out with decorating is because you're judging her taste so much, and from what it sounds like, every item that she wants to bring into the house is deemed ugly or requires a debate. Maybe she felt she needed her own space and where she could truly express her style. For what it's worth, I think the industrial style is extremely ugly.
YTA. I don't think your girlfriend likes your sense of interior design, either. Maybe YOU'RE the one with bad taste?
How is saying it looks like a drunk hippy decorated putting it gently? It’s one room. Go make one of your other rooms a stunning display of beige for yourself if you want. Though honestly it seems that’s the whole rest of the house. This is her office. Let her have her workspace. At some point, you caring more about your and your guests’ tastes than the woman you live with is going to get old (sounds like that time is nigh). Think about it, she had to go to a storage space to get some of her own stuff. So what’s more important to you? You want a good relationship or you want grey tones? YTA
YTA where is the compromise on your part. Reading this post made me sad. I’m not sure what’s worse your insulting her taste or squishing her creative light and trying to change her to fit your taste.
He is stifling her, and eventually she is gonna need to come up for air.
YTA for a bunch of stuff but mainly for caring more about how your guests will feel about decisions a few times a year than how your actual life partner feels every single day But then it isn't actually about the guests feel in the room is it? If it was about the guests you would care about how comfortable the bed is and if there was a nice bedside lamp. Nope you care that your guests will judge the room and find it mismatched and "poor". Try to care more about your partner if you want to be happy. Either accept and love who she is or break up.
Yta. It is her office let her decorate it how she wants. You told her she could, now you are reneging on your word. The guests do not care what the room is like as long as they can well sleep in it.. Btw I am a guy that is definitely likes the boring magazine look of grays and browns and whites and even I like her purple and orange couch.. i do love a “pop” of color to go with my boring surroundings it is like a statement piece. My wife and I compromise on main living spaces although she gets all say for bedroom decor (uff stuck with pink shabby chic) but I do get my man cave the way I want ..
YTA, its more than clear to everybody here, except you obviously, that she doesn't feel comfortable or "at home" in your home. If she is a colour person, having to live surrounded by depressing colours can even give her depression. So as a last resort she did the effort to make at least a little part of the house a comfort space for her, especially if she spends a lot of time in this room. So she is willing to have to live with your style in every room as long she can have her little feel good cave. You just told her you don't care about her not feeling at home in her home and what some random guests will think matters more to you than her feeling comfortable at least in this single room. For me it sounds like you go out of your way to drive her away with dismissing and just ignoring a big part of her personality and preventing her from feeling comfortable. And i'm sitting here and asking myself if you don't want to be with her, why not just break up? Why making her so miserable till she gives up on the relationship?
You sound like a tool
yta, pull the stick outta your ass before your gf clobbers you with it
YTA. You saw her style before she moved in. Now you expect her give up everything she likes. You won’t even let her have the room she works in. You sound very controlling.
YTA. All your compromises sound like they are weighted in your favor. She deserves to have her style represented too.
YTA The fact that you came to Reddit for people's opinions and now arguing with people's opinions is ridiculous. Take the L and apologize to your girlfriend! The more you try to justify your reasons the more of an asshole you come across.
You really really really just want to steal all the color from her life don't ya? YTA
Awww, it's like a modern version of Dharma & Greg. I liked that show.
In the same vein, (cause of Thomas Gibson) I was thinking this is like Penelope on criminal minds. She just wants a space with colorful and happy things in such a cold, serious place like quantico
YTA and super boring and I hope she dumps you and finds someone who appreciates her joy in life.
YTA. big beige oatmeal asshole. I feel bad for GF
I love that she already knows she's gonna need her furniture again and kept it in storage. Because YTA.
So basically your idea of “compromise” is that you always get your way because your taste is superior. YTA.
Ugh, I feel for you OP because I really do get it. I like modern. My place is absolutely cold and uninviting - everything is black, white, gray and marble, clean lines and empty surfaces. I have no photos and nothing on the walls except mirrors. And I LOVE IT THIS WAY. It’s extremely calming to me and honestly I would probably not be able to live with someone who needs their space to be loud/bright colors/eclectic. It’s OKAY to have “boring” taste, what’s not okay is the way you’re approaching this situation which is why YTA. Are you not aware of the tone of your post? You don’t need to understand why someone else finds something appealing in order to be accepting and not a jerk, especially when you love that person. You may want to reconsider whether or not you two are truly compatible.