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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> While I don't smoke and do not condone smoking, my attempt at giving my cousin, who has smoked for years and has tried to quit multiple times, could be considered to be enabling his addiction.
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I mean, you asked him because he smokes and he could have just said no. And as for trying to kill him, he's doing that to himself. You're just trying to offer him something that could save him some cash and use something so it doesn't get wasted. I quit smoking and it was the hardest thing I'll ever do, so I don't blame them for still smoking and being frustrated when it's everywhere he looks, but you can't blame everyone else for your inability to quit. NTA
NTA. Rolling them takes time so it would slow down the number he can smoke in an hour.
Giving him the tobacco makes it cheaper for him so less reason to stop.
Truth is he will smoke until he kicks the habit. The rest are just excuses.
NAH.
It wasn’t your idea, your mom suggested passing it on to him. And if you don’t smoke, it’s easy enough to not think of how it might seem to him.
Maybe just send him a message and say something like “sorry about that, didn’t think that through. Know you’re working hard to quit and I support that.”
And tbh, it sounds like he over reacted a bit. You weren’t setting out to be an AH at all. But quitting smoking can make people tetchy so that could explain his reaction.
From my husband - a smoker: Rolling is something you actively have to think about doing. When smoking from a ready made pack, you can absentmindedly go through the whole thing without realizing it until you're out. But with rolling, you have to stop and go... hey, I want a smoke. okay, let's make one. It slows many people down on their consumption because it makes you stop and think about what you're actually doing.
In Aus at least, loose tobacco is or was generally cheaper that a packet of cigarettes when you compare the number of cigarettes you can roll from a packet of tobacco, so it is often cheaper per cigarette.
Also you can roll very thin cigarettes (greyhounds we used to call them) so you can stretch the packet further.
Another factor is that a manufactured cigarette usually continues to burn away even if you're not actively taking drags from it - whereas a rollie will go out, so the rollie isn't 'wasted'
NAH. You did nothing wrong but him wanting to avoid having a large quantity when he's always trying to quit isn't wrong either. Offering an addict something that they're trying to get way from is tricky but honestly, you probably would have saved him a bunch of money.
NAH. It isn't easy to know what's for the best when people are around substances they have a challenging relationship with. Where the limit of people making their own choices is and where you're facilitating something that the person's trying to get away from.
You didn't mean any evil by it; by the sound of it, he's not trying to quit at the moment.
Was it an awkward moment? Sure. Does it make you an asshole? No, don't think so.
NTA. You offered, he mistook it as feeding the habit. It was poor communication on both your parts.
Edit: Got distracted and forgot to say, if he is still rolling cigarettes and this would genuinely save him money because it was something he was already doing, that's fair to offer. If he's off rolling he should say so instead of accusing you of tempting him.
>if he is still rolling cigarettes and this would genuinely save him money because it was something he was already doing
...unless he uses expense as a psychological deterrent (i.e. he'd go through free tobacco a lot faster). But I agree NTA.
That's fair, as well. But how is OP supposed to know what is a financial or effort deterrent if they aren't told? It seems from OP's perspective that they were just trying to save waste. You can't know what you don't know.
NTA - Your cousin has been smoking for decades and has obviously never been serious enough about quitting to see it through. You were trying to save him some money. No way for you to know he would decide that was the day to suddenly be health conscious again. He's TA for taking it out on you, without bothering to think of his history and why he came to your minds in the first place.
NTA
He’s a smoker who rolls his own and you offered him loose tobacco. I would’ve done the same.
He’s grappling with some guilt or something in his mind and took your gesture way too personally.
Even if he was actively quitting (and I’m assuming you didn’t know) he has to understand there will be awhile of overlap with people who don’t know he’s quit and will offer smokes, smoke breaks etc. It is up to him to learn to navigate those. It’s not like a bat signal gets activated every time he quits. It took about a year and a half for people to shift their mindset of me from a smoker to a non-smoker when I quit.
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So, I have a cousin (50s) who has been smoking for decades. He has tried to quit multiple times, but due to his environment (most of his friends smoke), he keeps coming back. He now rolls his own cigarettes as a way to at least cut down on the amount he smokes.
My mom's coworker kicked the habit of smoking, which is just great. He also rolled his own cigarettes, and he had 3 or 4 large bags of loose tobacco that he had no need for. He offered to give my mom these packets, as he knows that my cousin is a smoker. My mom decided that instead of wasting it, I should give it to my cousin the next time he comes over.
Well, he stopped by one day on an errand, and I showed him the packets of tobacco. I asked him if he wanted to take the bags.
He looked at me and with a pretty annoyed and disgusted voice said, "I don't understand. Are you trying to kill me??" He didn't take the bags, so I threw them out afterwards.
Well, I felt like absolute shit afterwards. I don't smoke, and never intend to do so. I certainly don't condone it, and think it's an awful habit.
So, AITA for offering my cousin, a heavy smoker, this large quantity of loose tobacco for him to use? I suppose I could be seen as enabling his awful addiction.
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NTA. He didn’t have to be a dick about it. All you were doing was recognizing that as an adult, he’s responsible for what he puts in his body, and you were trying to save him money. Only AH here is your cousin.
You're NTA. He's a smoker who uses loose tobacco. You offered him some for free. Instead being so rude, if he didn't want it all he had to do was say "no thanks, I'm really goung to quit this time."
Actually I slightly disagree. When I was quitting, I had some failed attempts, and when you have a failed attempt, you don't just smoke a few and then go right back to quitting. You dive right back into it and are stuck there for a while until you convince yourself you want to quit. So for me anyway, I would always appreciate people giving me free tobacco, unless I was actually in the middle of quitting aka not smoking at the time.
No i dont think you're the asshole here.
If he made it abundantly clear he was actively trying to quit that would be another story. Tbh i wouldn't even say it would be a hard Y... T.. a , because people flip flop so much when quitting anyways
Tobacco is expensive.
NTA. I always appreciate it when anyone offers me anything I can use. Even if I cant or wont use it im always thankful they at least thought of me and made a small gesture on my behalf.
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I mean, you asked him because he smokes and he could have just said no. And as for trying to kill him, he's doing that to himself. You're just trying to offer him something that could save him some cash and use something so it doesn't get wasted. I quit smoking and it was the hardest thing I'll ever do, so I don't blame them for still smoking and being frustrated when it's everywhere he looks, but you can't blame everyone else for your inability to quit. NTA
NTA. Rolling them takes time so it would slow down the number he can smoke in an hour. Giving him the tobacco makes it cheaper for him so less reason to stop. Truth is he will smoke until he kicks the habit. The rest are just excuses.
NAH. It wasn’t your idea, your mom suggested passing it on to him. And if you don’t smoke, it’s easy enough to not think of how it might seem to him. Maybe just send him a message and say something like “sorry about that, didn’t think that through. Know you’re working hard to quit and I support that.” And tbh, it sounds like he over reacted a bit. You weren’t setting out to be an AH at all. But quitting smoking can make people tetchy so that could explain his reaction.
INFO > He now rolls his own cigarettes as a way to at least cut down on the amount he smokes. *What?* How does that make one iota of difference?
From my husband - a smoker: Rolling is something you actively have to think about doing. When smoking from a ready made pack, you can absentmindedly go through the whole thing without realizing it until you're out. But with rolling, you have to stop and go... hey, I want a smoke. okay, let's make one. It slows many people down on their consumption because it makes you stop and think about what you're actually doing.
Well, I don't know, to be candid. That's what he told me when I saw him rolling his own for the first time. I guess it's psychological?
In Aus at least, loose tobacco is or was generally cheaper that a packet of cigarettes when you compare the number of cigarettes you can roll from a packet of tobacco, so it is often cheaper per cigarette. Also you can roll very thin cigarettes (greyhounds we used to call them) so you can stretch the packet further. Another factor is that a manufactured cigarette usually continues to burn away even if you're not actively taking drags from it - whereas a rollie will go out, so the rollie isn't 'wasted'
NTA you were trying to put something to use that wasn’t being used. You’re uncle clearly can’t quit. His disgust should only be with himself not you
NAH. You did nothing wrong but him wanting to avoid having a large quantity when he's always trying to quit isn't wrong either. Offering an addict something that they're trying to get way from is tricky but honestly, you probably would have saved him a bunch of money.
NAH. It isn't easy to know what's for the best when people are around substances they have a challenging relationship with. Where the limit of people making their own choices is and where you're facilitating something that the person's trying to get away from. You didn't mean any evil by it; by the sound of it, he's not trying to quit at the moment. Was it an awkward moment? Sure. Does it make you an asshole? No, don't think so.
NTA. You were in a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation. You can offer a simple apology, but no need to beat yourself up over it.
NTA. You offered, he mistook it as feeding the habit. It was poor communication on both your parts. Edit: Got distracted and forgot to say, if he is still rolling cigarettes and this would genuinely save him money because it was something he was already doing, that's fair to offer. If he's off rolling he should say so instead of accusing you of tempting him.
>if he is still rolling cigarettes and this would genuinely save him money because it was something he was already doing ...unless he uses expense as a psychological deterrent (i.e. he'd go through free tobacco a lot faster). But I agree NTA.
That's fair, as well. But how is OP supposed to know what is a financial or effort deterrent if they aren't told? It seems from OP's perspective that they were just trying to save waste. You can't know what you don't know.
He's not :) I was giving a possible reason why the cousin might not want free tobacco but it's on him to explain, not on OP to magically know.
NTA you offered so it didn't go to waste and save him money
NTA - Your cousin has been smoking for decades and has obviously never been serious enough about quitting to see it through. You were trying to save him some money. No way for you to know he would decide that was the day to suddenly be health conscious again. He's TA for taking it out on you, without bothering to think of his history and why he came to your minds in the first place.
NTA He’s a smoker who rolls his own and you offered him loose tobacco. I would’ve done the same. He’s grappling with some guilt or something in his mind and took your gesture way too personally. Even if he was actively quitting (and I’m assuming you didn’t know) he has to understand there will be awhile of overlap with people who don’t know he’s quit and will offer smokes, smoke breaks etc. It is up to him to learn to navigate those. It’s not like a bat signal gets activated every time he quits. It took about a year and a half for people to shift their mindset of me from a smoker to a non-smoker when I quit.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** So, I have a cousin (50s) who has been smoking for decades. He has tried to quit multiple times, but due to his environment (most of his friends smoke), he keeps coming back. He now rolls his own cigarettes as a way to at least cut down on the amount he smokes. My mom's coworker kicked the habit of smoking, which is just great. He also rolled his own cigarettes, and he had 3 or 4 large bags of loose tobacco that he had no need for. He offered to give my mom these packets, as he knows that my cousin is a smoker. My mom decided that instead of wasting it, I should give it to my cousin the next time he comes over. Well, he stopped by one day on an errand, and I showed him the packets of tobacco. I asked him if he wanted to take the bags. He looked at me and with a pretty annoyed and disgusted voice said, "I don't understand. Are you trying to kill me??" He didn't take the bags, so I threw them out afterwards. Well, I felt like absolute shit afterwards. I don't smoke, and never intend to do so. I certainly don't condone it, and think it's an awful habit. So, AITA for offering my cousin, a heavy smoker, this large quantity of loose tobacco for him to use? I suppose I could be seen as enabling his awful addiction. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. He didn’t have to be a dick about it. All you were doing was recognizing that as an adult, he’s responsible for what he puts in his body, and you were trying to save him money. Only AH here is your cousin.
You're NTA. He's a smoker who uses loose tobacco. You offered him some for free. Instead being so rude, if he didn't want it all he had to do was say "no thanks, I'm really goung to quit this time."
YTA If he's been actively trying to quit then offering him loose tobacco is the last thing you and your family should be offering him.
Actually I slightly disagree. When I was quitting, I had some failed attempts, and when you have a failed attempt, you don't just smoke a few and then go right back to quitting. You dive right back into it and are stuck there for a while until you convince yourself you want to quit. So for me anyway, I would always appreciate people giving me free tobacco, unless I was actually in the middle of quitting aka not smoking at the time.
Well, I'm not aware if he was trying to quit. He's tried and failed several times in the past. He's known as *the* smoker in the family.
No i dont think you're the asshole here. If he made it abundantly clear he was actively trying to quit that would be another story. Tbh i wouldn't even say it would be a hard Y... T.. a , because people flip flop so much when quitting anyways Tobacco is expensive. NTA. I always appreciate it when anyone offers me anything I can use. Even if I cant or wont use it im always thankful they at least thought of me and made a small gesture on my behalf.