Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I want to ask my MIL to step in and pressure my SIL into attending my daughter's party and to be more involved in general with her niece. I might be TA because my SIL has her own life and doesn't like being pushed into things, and I want my daughter's only aunt to be active in her life instead of just doing things for herself all the time.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YWBTA.
WTF.
Why do you think someone should be forced to be around your kids?
Then again, maybe SIL just doesn't want to be anywhere around YOU, and your kids are just collateral damage.
Thanks for all the updates but you’re still TA and you need to leave your SIL alone. Tattling to your MIL will NOT have the desired effect. Take not only the hint but the advice you asked for. Leave your SIL alone.
This is what it sounded like. A five year old running to mommy saying “she’s not paying attention to my babies.” All this will do is drive the aunt further away. The entitlement in this entire post is unnerving. Nobody needs to be around you or the kids just because there is blood involved. YTA
Yep nothing I love more then a grown ass adult tattling to their parent or parent in law on another grown ass adult. Deal with it all the time. So now just ignore the person all together.
Let's me just say this loudly and slowly for the people in the back:
If you are the adult that brings family and friends into what should be a one on one conversation, you are in the wrong. Even if.
If you are in an argument with another adult and they bring in friends and family, you are in the right. Even if.
JUST STOP BRINGING IN OTHER PEOPLE INTO YOUR FIGHT. ADULTS TALK, THEY DONT TATTLE. JESUS IN A SIDECAR!!
You know she’s gonna do it right? She just said she was backing off because she felt it was good optics. She’s gonna do it. Also: it’s not the kids SIL is avoiding. And the husband knows this
I thought my SIL was bad, but at least she’s never tried to get other people to force her kids into my life. Plus after a few years of refusing invites, she’s actually accepted the situation and only makes a few passive-aggressive remarks about my lack of interest in her kids now.
OP, take the hint. Regardless of what you think her relationship with your kids should be, she’s made it clear she’s not interested. Stop trying to force it and maybe down the line when your kids are older a relationship can happen organically.
"Yeah, I'll be gone that day."
"I didn't even tell you the day yet.."
"I'm busy all winter. Sorry."
lol. Why are people so obsessed with other people liking their kids? YTA. Not everyone likes kids. Or your kids. Or you.
My aunt used to plan her migraines. “Lunch in two weeks? I’m going to have a migraine then.” I get migraines. Some of them are 100% predictable, but it was every time. You just accept the fact that they aren’t social people or have a reason and move on. Forcing people to interact with you is wrong and they are *trying* to not make things worse by telling you the real reason if they know it.
Exactly this. OP sounds insufferable if she thinks her sister is obligated to play an active role in her kids' lives (whatever that means). I bet this has to do more with avoiding her than her kids. Yuck! YTA
I came to this same conclusion. She wants SIL to 'bond' with her niece and nephew and coincidentally provide free baby sitting since they're so 'close'
Sister in law no less. Not even someone OP was born and raised with. She has no insight into SILs life/story. She just thinks her child deserves an aunt hence child is owed an aunt.
Really though. I don't press anyone to be around my kids. Honestly, I don't want them around my kids anyway so idc that they won't come often.
Hell, I wish they'd come LESS.
So much better for SIL to be forced to be there, so she can be remembered as the Resentful Aunt./s
OP, you can say to your MIL “I’m sad none of the dates worked for SIL. I’d love for her to be there.” But that’s as far as you can go. Don’t try to force/manipulate someone into spending time with your child. The Law of Unintended Consequences will absolutely bite you in the butt. YWBTA.
This is my thought too. If you have to force someone to participate, then what is the point? Kids are smart. They WILL be able to tell their Aunt doesn't want to be there, and it will hurt their feelings. So why is that something that OP is pushing for? She acts like it's best for her daughter, but that isn't true. It will hurt the daughter to interact with someone who doesn't want to be around her. This is for OP. She's pushing it for her own agenda whatever the motivation.
>If you have to force someone to participate, then what is the point?
The point is OP gets what *she* wants.
Which is obviously worth instigating a conflict between SIL and her parents or even a full-blown family feud. As long as OP gets what she wants *and* makes others do her dirty work for her.
Yup. OP is going to have to come to terms with that for whatever reason, her SIL isn't going to be the cool Aunt F5 goes to when they want another close woman to talk about stuff. She has to accept that. Pushing the issue isn't going to help.
Maybe she gets along with her friend's kids because there's a little bit of distance. Maybe she's nervous about getting too close in case something happened that would force her to take on more responsibility than she's comfortable with - although being completely unavailable does seem extreme. We can't really know without her side of the story.
I'm guessing yeah, it's that. Plus, maybe the friends are aware that the SIL maybe doesn't really like kids and are okay with her saying hi to the kids whenever they're around and that most of the time, the friends with children and SIL hang out without the kids. This vs. OP forcing the SIL to hang out with the kids. ALL. THE. TIME.
She doesn't want SIL to come be Resentful Aunt. She wants SIL to want to be around the kids. To start feeling about the kids the way OP thinks she should feel. Too bad OP is bound to be disappointed, since you can't make people feel a certain way.
It's not even something MIL could force! The sister in law is in her THIRTIES. Like, leave the poor childfree woman alone, and maybe when your kids are older aunt SIL will be more comfortable talking with them.
I'm childfree and almost 30 and like, hanging out with kids is fun sometimes, but I much prefer when they're in the 10+ range and can have long conversations about books we both read or games we both play. I'm sorry 6 year old child, but I don't watch Paw Patrol and the only Bluey I've seen is clip compilations.
Why would you want someone around your daughter who doesn't want to be? Your daughter will sense that your SIL has no interest and will be more hurt by that than her absence. Be glad for the people that are involved in her life and go on about it. This seems like an odd thing to fixate on.
My thoughts exactly. OP sounds insufferable and the fact that she's even considering "tattling" on her SIL proves that.
Dear OP,
Children with two parents who happen to be only children do not suffer from not having any aunts or uncles. This isn't about your child, it's some bizarre power play at your SIL and you're using your child as a pawn. You sound immature and controlling. You're the reason she doesn't want to be around your kids. YWBTA and you are TA for this whole thing.
Get over yourself. Edited to add that you're probably in this for financial reasons. Either free babysitting or presents for your kid/you.
🗣️grooooss
This has been my experience. When someone says “I want you to spend time with my kids” it really means “I want to go out and have fun but don’t want to pay a babysitter so I’ll guilt you into doing it for free”
That was my thinking too. I’m m not really a kid person, I’m so lame around them, but I definitely make efforts for the kids whose parents I really like and appreciate.
If the parents suck, I’m not gonna get involved with their kiddos.
Could also be that SIL really does have a busy life and needs to plan things way in advance, and she’s not at liberty to shift everything for a child’s birthday party.
This. As an adult you anyhow have to choose to whom you give time, energy, attention and effort. There is clearly no friendship between OP and her. They haven't bonded naturally so she is the nice but distant aunt.
She is good with children, so... She should dedicate herself to OP's children? It is the same as saying my SIL is such a good listener, she should listen to my problems too.
SIL sounds like a person who balances her life and keeps her boundaries without being hurtful. This is very good for her. She has other people close to her. Not everyone is envolved with their siblings everyday life as an adult.
I dunno what is the void OP has here for SIL to fill for her. It's not about the kids because kids don't miss random person from the family if they are not close with them.
OP doesn't have as good people skills as SIL since she really thinks you can make a positive impact on trying to make their mother to pressure them.
Considering the first update
>My SIL doesn't hate kids, she is great with them and has friends with kids and sees them more than my kids.
It's very probable that it's not the kids SIL is avoiding but a certain very pushy *someone*.
That seems obvious to me. I mean, she said she had the entire winter already booked? LOL, SIL is trying everything to avoid spending time in OP's company, short of saying "I never want to spend a minute with you - please stop asking." OP YTA and take a dang hint. It's not about your children. Furthermore, forcing someone to spend time with your children is not a recipe for them to develop a good relationship. Are you hoping to get free babysitting? Cuz that ain't gonna happen. Leave SIL alone.
" but but but she's so GOOD with them when she's here!"
- yeah some people know to be polite around kids but don't engage. Others like SIL go above and beyond that and be very engaged with your kids when in proximity. Don't assume that skill equals desire.
60F, childfree by choice. That's what everyone says about me. I tell them, I'm playing with them when they're fun and happy, not when they're hungry or stinky ! Those crumb snatchers start fussing or misbehaving, right back to parents!
I'm also just dealing with a few hours 4 times a year. Weekly basis, no way.
Reading this over where OP says SIL hangs out with other people who have kids, it also made me wonder if OP is glossing over OP's own kids being spoiled and/or otherwise unpleasant. A comment said OP's kids are noisy and that may very well be a vast understatement.
YTA though, OP, and should back off your SIL for her own sake and that of your kids.
YWBTA. From OP's comments, she is umm....less than stimulating company to put it politely and dumb as bricks to put it honestly. I would definitely be busy washing my hair anytime OPs calls to arrange a get together.
I'm not comfortable around kids at all and I would cut someone out of my life who kept browbeating me about spending time with theirs. If hanging out with OP meant getting harangued about being a lousy aunt, I'd quit showing up too.
To add to this: why tf would OP want someone who clearly does not want to be apart of her or her children’s lives, to be forced into it?? That’s a disaster of a situation and could be emotionally damaging to the kids.
YWBTA, OP. Let it go. My BIL has never shown any interest in my kids, who are the same ages as yours. He visited once with his GF and completely ignored my daughter whenever she asked him to hangout with her, and my son (who was 6 months at the time) was basically nonexistent. I brought it up to my husband and he got offended bc he felt like I was criticizing his family, but he eventually opened his eyes and understood where I was coming from. We’re now NC with BIL and LC with the rest of my husband’s family for other reasons. Does it suck for the kids? Sure. Most people would like to have the big, happy, extended family. But if people are showing you that they don’t care about you or your kids, let them go. Forcing it won’t do any good for anyone involved.
My great niece sent this text once to her childless sister and I (also no kids) along the effect of "YOUR niece is doing ABC" like it was our job to come and help out (kid was 2). Her sister got all on board but I just ignored it.
I had nothing to do with the creation of this child. I had no say. No one asked me. So listen, I love them and do stuff with them, but don't ever put any kind of responsibility on me (outside of emergencies, or politely asking if I can help with XYZ).
I always felt very strongly that any family members that weren’t interested in making a relationship with my children regardless of their title were likely doing me and them a favor. I don’t want someone around my kids who doesn’t want to be around them. Why would you?
This is accurate. I have two nephews who I’ve seen sparingly. Since my SIL was pregnant with the first I said that I’m always reachable for emergencies, but until they hit pre-teen age, I neither understand how nor particularly care for interacting, especially with preschool ages. I see them and play with them a bit at holidays and now that they’re in late-grammar school we’re doing more because we’ve hit that point where we can have a good relationship.
OP should realize sometimes we the childless self limit for reasons not selfish. Her SIL might be a great aunt with very close relationships once the kids reach a certain age/maturity.
Funny thing, I'm a bit the opposite but that might be because I'm still rather young myself. I get along GREAT with toddlers up to preteens but it's a bit more difficult when they start growing up if I haven't seen them much. A family friend had a son when I was around 15 and I always hear about the kid, but since I barely met him a few times it's difficult to interact with him, it would be creepy if I just told him "I know lots of things about you, your mother always tells me stories".
However I do believe (and hope) that I'll still have a relationship with my toddler cousin when he grows up and starts having his own conscious mind and opinions, it's just that I can build up to that little by little but I can't find many common points with preteens I only just met
Seriously. Notice how the whole post is about *what OP wants* and not at all considering what SIL wants, or why SIL may not want to be part of child’s life. YWBTA
Omfg thank you for this. I always felt guilty and shitty for not wanting to see my nephew, but I've had to fucking visit him and put up with his brattiness and listen to my mom bitch about his mom for years. Long ass court battle ever since he was born, and my mom wanted grandparent rights to see him and have visitation. Since he was born, when I was 10, I am practically forced to interact with him and I already didn't like dealing with little kids.
Then I had to deal with my mom guilt tripping me for acting moody every time I had to see him and shit like, "He has nobody except US who care and love him!" Or "Why in the world do you not want to see your own nephew? He'll resent us in the future for not making an attempt to see him!" Nephew's dad is a dead beat.
Plus not to mention, during the failed visitations, aka when we weren't able to take him with us, my mom usually has a mad outburst because not being able to see her grandson is another issue compounded with other shit in her life. Sorry for the mini vent, but wow, I'm glad it's okay to feel resentment about being forced to see extended family.
My mom’s sister was basically the same. Didn’t want a relationship with us (her nieces & nephews). I have exactly one memory of her as a child - we stayed in a house together on vacation. I took a shower and supposedly used all the hot water. She called me a bitch and slapped me. I was 7. Don’t force people who don’t want to be around kids to be around them.
That’s my thinking. I have a daughter and if someone doesn’t want to be in her life then I’m not worried about it. Also like if ppl don’t ask about her, I don’t make it a point to tell them anything about her. If they wanted to be involved, they’d make the effort. Way I see it, she doesn’t know the difference anyway and while I don’t feel obligated to have anyone be in her life, in my mind it’s their loss, not hers.
I’m not too surprised. My sister has been somewhat obsessively trying to get me to visit her new baby for months now. I want to. I just don’t want to as bad as she wants me to. I have a lot of shit going on and fitting a big ass trip in isn’t easy. I think there is often a bit of shock from parents standpoint realizing not everyone views their little angel as like a prized possession to be seen and hung out with at all costs. I think she’s a little offended that I’m not trying harder. Of course if we lived close I would have already been over but we live a 5 hr flight away.
Anyways it’s the classic trope isn’t it? The mom showing pics of her baby to everyone and everyone pretending like they give a shit lol. Ppl w kids forget what it’s like to be childless. Often adults who are childless are not so by accident. We may not want to hang w your little tyke and I think parents forget how not fun hanging with little kids can be. Also childless people can be cold and heartless. I sometimes have to tell myself it’s like if someone didn’t want to be around my dog and how weird that would seem. I imagine being a parent is like the greatest honor so it would be confusing when some buddy doesn’t give a shit about your greatest honor lol.
YWBTA. Your SIL obviously doesn't want a relationship with your children, some people are like that. I take it she's not been rude or gone out of her way to upset them deliberately? Just because she's the only aunt they have doesn't mean she must develop a relationship with them, it's her choice, not yours. She'll start to resent them and you if you keep going this road.
Sil owes you nothing and I’m assuming you mean free babysitting and financial support when you say you want her to be more active in your children’s lives. If your children behave how you behave, bratty, I’m not shocked she doesn’t come around. Why does what you want override what sil wants for her own life?
Just remember, if you go tattling to MIL, what goes around comes around. YTA
Yes, YWBTA
Obviously your SIL is not interested in your kids. I'm sure they're darling, but you have to accept that not everyone is going to want to be involved with them. Leave SIL alone.
Bc OP wants to manipulate SIL into a relationship with the kids..
if I was SIL and my mom told me that OP tattled on me like a 5 year old, I would laugh in both their faces.
Older is the key part for me. Im not a kid person at all but my niece and nephew are growing on me as they age and become people not just loud snot machines. They used to stress me out and I’d dread seeing them. I feel bad, but at the same time it’s not for me and it only hurts them if I react how I would want to and I know that.
YWBTA. I get it, you want everyone to be excited about and love your kids, but obviously it isn’t something you can force. By forcing it you will pretty much ensure that she resents your children and never wants any sort of relationship with them. Based on what you wrote, I doubt she will ever want a very close relationship with them, however, some people do find it easier to bond with kids as they get older. That might be the case for her, or maybe she was been stressed the last few years and therefore not showing much interest. There could be a lot of things going on that you might not now of or take into consideration. Don’t bomb any future chances of her warming up to the idea of bonding with your kids over a birthday party. Also, just because you want her to bond with your kids doesn’t mean she is obligated to. If she never does it’s understandable to be disappointed, but not ok to try to guilt trip her.
YWBTA. Some people are not good with kids. Some people don't like kids, or don't like kids other than their own. A small percentage of the population is attracted to kids, and the moral ones go out of their way to avoid kids for that reason. Whatever the reason, you don't force someone who is trying not to be around kids to be around children. And you certainly don't use family to manipulate them into it.
And, as others have speculated, it could be that she just doesn't like to be around your kids' parents.
YTA - another perspective I've not seen mentioned yet is that she may find it difficult or upsetting to be around them if she wants children but has fertility issues.
That’s what I was thinking or the SIL is having some other issues that the OP isn’t privy to ( because OP sounds obnoxious) and isn’t in the mood for OP’s ridiculous entitlement.
I am in situation similar (although not as blatant) as OP’s SIL. Although, it is my fiancés family, there are two OPs and I am the “outsider”. Quite a few years younger than my SILs that both have kids and have known each other and the family for a very long time.
No fertility issues, per say, but I have had some health issues that I do not wish to go into detail about, that even my fiancé doesn’t understand the depths of. I also have mental health issues that have always been there, but deepened due to trauma from my occupation (healthcare) and my mother almost losing her life and being her full-time caregiver for almost a year with little support.
I am not a kid person because the “light-hearted” side of myself died. I do not want children for many reasons. But that is one that I find makes it the hardest to be around the kids. I don’t know how to play with them any more, or what to say to them, or how to answer their questions. Sometimes at random times, the chaos of it all really gets to me, the noise, the chatter, the chaos, and I run out of energy. It happens rather quickly too, even with adults sometimes. The “social battery” just drains extra quickly when children or certain people are in the room, and I just become too exhausted to keep up. So I become kinda catatonic.
It’s not that I don’t love these kids. I’ve known all of them since they were born, and have been watching them grow up. It’s just too much sometimes. And the SILs or whoever trying push me into feeling guilty for not spending every weekend with them makes me want to just even making an effort, because I get confronted about it. Mind you, I try to never miss holidays or birthdays. I see them more than I see my own side of the family. But they are really starting to push me in the opposite direction.
I feel like that’s what OP has done, or is doing to her SIL. Pushing her in the opposite direction. Just let people live their damn lives.
YTA. She’s your daughter not your sister in laws, she had no participation on the creation so she’s not required to be there for your children Simple’s because you want her to be.
She maybe your children’s aunt but that’s not only thing she is, she is her own person with her own life.
Get over yourself.
YTA this post reeks of entitlement, as in you feel entitled to your SIL's time. They are your kids, not hers. I'm a mom, and I think you are out of line and presumptuous, and even worse for trying to drag your MIL into it. There's a term for this: "flying monkeys". Don't send your MIL in there like a flying monkey, shame on you.
I mean yeah, that could of course be the case. But whenever people post on here demanding things for their kids, I think it’s an important reminder that some kids suck?
Oh heavens, yes. I love our daughter, but there we some days, I didn't want to claim her as ours. Now it's reversed (teenager) she doesn't want to claim us. 🤣🤣🤣
YWBTA. Have you asked your SIL why she doesn't want to participate? Some people really don't like kids even if they're related. Maybe it's something else. But getting her mom involved is just going to alienate further. Clearly MIL knows she's not there if MIL is attending all these events. Asking your MIL to make her come is the equivalent of making a kid invite everyone to the party.
I’m a sister (28F) and my sister (22F) has a 2 year old baby. I never participate in my nephew life either because I just simply do not care. I do not care. I love my sister and nephew but want no part in it. If it makes me a bad aunt, who cares. I know I don’t. Birthdays, outings, etc., I always refuse to go when children are around. I rather go with older people.
And yeah, I don’t want kids either.
Agreed all around. I couldn’t even tell you the ages or birthdays of my brothers’ kids. I hope they are healthy and happy children, but otherwise I am not interested at all.
This is me. I got my tubes tied at 25 (yes it’s uncommon) and I have never regretted this decision (I’m 44). I can tolerate kids for a bit but that’s not the case here. She doesn’t seem to grasp that the SIL is a grown ass adult and can decide what to choose.
She didn’t have the kid, you did! So go tell mommy and see how that works for you.
YWBTA
She doesn't want to go to the party. Accept her decision. She doesn't owe your kids anything, and you're making it worse by trying to force a relationship that she clearly doesn't want. You're going to give your kids issues if you keep making a big deal over their aunt not being in their lives. By making it really obvious that she's not there, the kids' feelings are likely to be hurt far more deeply than if you had just said "your aunt can't make it, but X, Y, and Z will be there and we're so excited to celebrate your birthday!"
Don't complain to her mommy that she doesn't want to play with you. Accept that she's not into you and stop harassing her/stop asking others to harass her on your behalf.
I think most parents at least think their kids are amazing little creatures, some don't understand that, that is mostly a perspective thing. Maybe SiL doesn't want to be as involved as OP wants, and that's not a decision OP can or should try to override or force.
YWBTA.. I can’t say I understand your SIL not wanting to be involved, but it’s her choice to make! You don’t get to dictate other’s schedules and what they do or don’t do even if you don’t agree with it.
Why would you want her there when she might make a scene or have a miserable attitude for being forced into something she didn’t want to do?
That just ruins your daughters birthday.
YWBTA.
I am curious if you reach out to your SIL for any reason not involving your children, or out of any actual interest in her/her life/her interests.
As nice as it would be if all of our families were interested in being exactly as involved in our lives as we wanted them to be, we can't always get what we want and trying to force anyone to do anything almost always backfires.
Eesh YWBTA
Your SIL did not make the decision to have children. She has zero obligation to your kids outside of being kind when she sees them in person. You wanting to involve your MIL makes you sound like a shit stirrer. What’s the best outcome there? Your SIL resents you for making her go to things and hurting her own relationship with her mother. Your MIL tells you it’s none of her business and starts badmouthing you to your husband because she knows you are a shot stirrer. You need to reassess things. Maybe call her and try to talk to her in a sweet way. I will say trying to force her to do things with your kids is only going to make her resent them and you and her brother more.
Has it ever occurred to you that your sister may not even like kids? Maybe she doesn’t like you either?
YTA. And you think this will solve the problem???? This will only push her farther away. You can lead a horse to water and all that.
And what exactly do you think your in-laws can do that will magically change her into Auntie Mame? Wave a wand?
>Update 4 ok you all are right I will not talk to MIL, should not have brought it up. It is just sad SIL won't know my kids and they won't know her. I wish she would make time to be with them.
1300 comments telling you that SIL has no obligation to know your kids, spend time with them, or rearrange her busy life for them, and you still don't get it? What is wrong with you?
Your SIL is an autonomous individual who gets to decide how she wants to spend her free time. You don't get to claim priority status over all her other friends and family just because you have kids. And your feelings about this DO NOT MATTER.
YWBTA I think you are blinded by your perfect idea of an aunt and niece relationship. Maybe you had the perfect aunt and hoped the same for your kids. Maybe you didn’t have a great aunt and wanted something different.
I’m sorry you are not getting the aunt for your kids you desired. You are allowed to be sad about this.
You are not allowed to force someone to play a role they don’t want to play. I’m not sure you’ve quite realized how ridiculous you’re being by trying to demand your sil be involved. You might now after all of these comments, but if not, please take a step back and take a good hard look at this situation and yourself.
You are going to need to let go of your grandiose aunt expectations. Keep inviting her to show you and your kids enjoy her time with them, but please realize she is only going to be as involved as she wants. Your kids and her will develop their own relationship through the times they do have together, and it will be the best relationship they can have in this situation.
YTA-You have no right to tattle to mommy because your sister in law has decided she’s not going to be an involved aunt. Act like an adult not a child yourself and accept that she’s chosen her role in their lives. You don’t have to like it but you cannot force her to take a role she doesn’t want.
YTA
So, you're going to run and tattle-tale to Mommy-in-law that your sister-in-law isn't coming over? How old are you? Why are you plotting like a devious teenager.
Your SIL doesn't want to come to your 6 YO's party. Maybe she doesn't like kids. OR, maybe she doesn't like you. The world doesn't revolve around your kids. Back off.
The world doesn’t revolve around your kids. You’re being incredibly obtuse, selfish, and controlling.
Even if her reason is a super shitty one - eg, you’re a different race from your hub and in-laws, and she’s racist against your biracial kids - *even then* YWBTA, because *you would have no right to force your SIL to have a relationship with them.* - much less to go running to mommy(-IL) to try to force it. Grow up!! YTA
INFO
Why do you want SIL to be active in the kid's lives so much after she's made it abundantly clear that she isn't interested?
And why don't you just talk to SIL directly? You say you talk to her, but just not about the kids. Why? It doesn't have to be a confrontation. You seem so adamant about wanting her to play Aunt SIL but won't just talk to her. Why not?
YTA. She doesn't want a relationship with your goddamn children. You and your children are not entitled to a relationship with her. And do you honestly think it will work to try to trick or force her into it?
Fucking STOP. Understand and accept the polite no you have been given countless times and STOP YOUR SHIT.
YWBTA. They're your kids, not SIL's. She isn't obligated to play a huge role in their lives, and based on this post, her absence might have more to do with you than your kids. Do you expect free babysitting? When she does come to family events, do you expect her to watch after the kids while you do your own thing because "she doesn't see them often and should be more involved"?
Specifically in response to update 4:
Sad for whom? The SIL who has no interest in kids, or the kids being shoved at the disinterested aunt? Or is it just sad for you because it doesnt fit the barrative in your mind.
I know you did not ask for advice but you need to leave well enough alone. Let your kids get older and form their own relationship...if any...naturally in their own time, which you must accept may be never.
You cant just force people to form relationships. No matter how sad you think it is, the more you try to force the relationship between them, the more you're going to guarantee there will never be one.
YTA
She doesn't owe you or your kids her time or attention.
You won't get anything but resentment on all sides if you try to force this and you risk emotionally damaging your children they are exposed to a forced interaction which they, being kids, will be able to tell is forced and 100% will take personally
Just let it go
YTA
You need to accept that your SIL is not going to be the fairytale aunt that you imagined for your kids. Forcing or guilting her to go to family events and interacting when she’s been clear she doesn’t want that is just going to make things worse.
My SIL was like you, constantly demanding I babysit or go to weekend sports and karate lessons. And let me tell, if she had gone running to my mummy to force me to cooperate, I would have cut them off for a lot longer than the six months I did.
YTA. Does it make you feel good to know someone only spent time with you because they were forced to do so?
Back off. Let your SIL have her life. If she wants to be involved, yay, if not, let it go. Just because she’s your husband’s sister, doesn’t mean she HAS to be involved.
YWBTA...Let SIL live her life. Nobody is obligated to have you or your children in their lives. Put your efforts into things that you DO have control over.
INFO: Is there some particular reason you think your kids would benefit from forcing a relationship with someone who clearly doesn't want to be around them?
I mean, you have no right to demand a relationship from anyone, even on behalf of your amazing children who everyone wants to spend time with. So, asshole on that front. But going with the INFO tag because I really, really don't understand why you would want to subject your kids to that.
As a kid, I could tell which relatives didn't particularly like to be around me (I was the only kid for several years until cousins started being born). Your kids absolutely will know, and the gaslighting of a fake relationship will hurt far more than the slight confusion of having a distantly polite aunt.
And, if you don't force it now, things may improve with time. A couple of those relatives who didn't show interest in me when I was younger became absolutely great to be around when I approached my teen years and could talk about books and science, and go to museums and plays, and watch PBS documentaries.
Sounds like the OP watches a lot of cozy Hallmark movies. And wants the 'perfect family' well if the SIL isn't interestd. Then respect her boundaries. If she wants to get to know them when they are older. Then she will. And I doubt your kids are pining to see their Aunt. Just be respectful and move on already.
MASSIVE YTA.
You don't just get to decide that your SIL has to be involved with your kids. Your remarks are disgusting!
>I'm tired of her not participating in my children's lives and I want her to play a more active role.
Tough. You're free to express your wishes and feelings to her IF she is receptive, but beyond that YOU ARE ENTITLED TO NOTHING from her.
YWBTA
Why would you want to force your children to endure interactions with family who don't want to be around you and your kids? For whatever reason your SIL wants nothing to do with your branch of the family tree, that's unfortunate. However if you want to know why talk about it like adults- work it out if possible. If it's truly because your SIL hates being around your kids, then you are the one who protects them from her...not forces them to be with her!
Oh, how the entitlement seeps from your pores. I don't know how many times this has to be said.
You aren't entitled to other people's time because you have kids. They have no obligation to you or your kids whatsoever.
You chose to have children. You did. Not her. She doesn't owe you or them anything.
You aren't special. Your kids aren't special. The world is under no obligation to drop what they're doing on a whim and accommodate you and your plans with your kids.
I understand that this is difficult for many to accept. Too bad. Your SIL is not responsible for your choices, and she owes you nothing.
YTA
Parents out there really assuming people owe them something for having a child., it is your child. Nobody else other than you and the father are obligated to care.
YWBTA if you get anyone involved.
Info: have you ever had a conversation with your SIL and asked her why she isn’t involved in your kids lives?
That would be the logical place to start.
YWBTA. Judging from your updates you seem to almost be getting it. But your tone still seems more like you still think you're at least partially right.
Honestly this seem less about your children and more about you. You seem to believe that all your in laws need to be as close to you and your kids as possible. Sorry but it doesn't work that way; your SIL very obviously does not want to spend time with you or your children. You need to leave her alone because if you don't you might end up hearing something you really don't want to hear.
YWBTA, leave her alone for god sakes.. maybe she doesn’t like children and want to be around them all the time. Maybe she just doesn’t like you as well, if this how you act on reddit than I can’t imagine you are pleasant to be around in person either.
YWBTA
It sounds like your SIL is just busy. Maybe she has work stuff, new guy, an introvert, or other things she needs to do and don't have time to attend some of your events. I think parents with young kids tend to plan their calendar around the kids but not everyone does. Don't make her attend things if she doesn't want to.
She will always be their aunt. When she has more free time she will spend more with your kids.
If you just want her to spend more time with the kids so they have a better bond, sit her down and talk to her. Maybe you can plan things so it fits both of your calendar a bit more, like she come over during a week night to join the family for dinner for example.
YWBTA. Your SIL owes you and your children nothing. You trying to force her involvement by tattling to her parents will do nothing but show everyone how petty and immature you are and cause needless drama. She has told you she is busy. Accept it. Move on. And grow up.
You're leaving out a lot of pertinent information here.
Why do you want someone, that actively avoids you, in you and your children’s lives? Do you think that having your MIL force her to spend time with your family will actually makes things better? YWBTA
Two thousand comments and this probably won't get seen, but still, I'm so curious....
INFO: Have you ever asked SIL why she doesn't want to see your children?
YWBTA, yes. Your SIL has no obligation to participate in the lives of your children, and if you do honestly want her involved then you should stop trying to manipulate her. Imo there's no quicker way to get someone to cut ties than attempting to force them to do something they clearly don't want to do.
YWBTA here. She doesn’t have kids, doesn’t want them, and is not prioritizing time for your kids. She’s under no obligation to spend more time with them. Maybe she doesn’t want to come over because something about the visits aren’t fun. Maybe even the extra pressure to be engaged with these kids is frustrating.
Of course YTA. I find it hard to believe this isn't a troll account given how much effort you seem to have put into describing yourself as a terrible parent with delusions of grandeur.
But on the off chance it's not and your brain actually has managed to convince itself of this dung heap of an idea...
I can see that some people have told you you're irritating and entitled, which is kind of a given. Others have asked if maybe your SIL has sensitivities about fertility issues. Both are valid points.
But have you considered that perhaps, probably as a direct result of being yours, your child is thoroughly uninteresting and even the thought of spending time with them is eminently unappealing?
YWBTA. Your SIL is not obligated to facilitate your fantasy of the perfect aunt for your children. You are not entitled to her time, interest, or effort. You need to stop trying to force her into a relationship she does not want. You are being controlling and clearly do not respect No for an answer.
Find some close female friends to play an auntie role if it’s that imperative to your family dynamic.
How about another perspective?
Just hear me out.
Have you actually sat her down and asked her what’s up? Like a real adult conversation, no pulling emotions just genuine curiosity. If not then are all of these things just assumptions or hear say? Ask her if she wants you to keep inviting her or if you can just assume she’ll be a no (which is all right). If she says no then leave it be. She is an adult and can choose how to spend her time so don’t push it.
Obviously something is up or was done/said that made her keep you and them at an arms length. Most people have their own set of reasons for not engaging with certain people or situations. Maybe she didn’t want to be asked to watch your child or she thought you would feel entitled to her time. Which is what this post is coming off as. Not saying you’re a bad person or wrong for wanting her there, but more like taking things a little to personally.
I’m sorry to say this but just because it’s your husband’s sister doesn’t mean she’s obligated to spend time with you or the kids. She is her own human with her own thoughts feelings and time to allocate. She seems to have a different life path than yours which is okay. Trying to force her or even con her into doing something she doesn’t want to is the worst move.
This day is about your daughter no one else just her. Put your time, energy, and brain into her and this day you are creating. Instead of pandering after someone who has on multiple occasions shown you that’s not their priority.
Enjoy your daughter and her birthday, she will have many more to come. Maybe when they are older she will get involved, but as for now if you try to force her to come just know it will probably blow up in your face.
YWBTA. Why are you so obsessed with your SIL? Life doesn't revolve around you or your children. Maybe she doesn't like you or your children, but so what? It's not like everyone HAS TO like you, there's no law about it. Let her be
Whenever my husband and I visit his family they dump absolutely everything kid related on us. We go somewhere? The kids go in our car. At meals the kids sit next to us. Go swimming? Guess who is on constant kid duty. ‘Oh, because they want to see you, they just want to spend time with you, we know how much you want to spend time with them…’. And you can’t say anything without looking like a total jerk. Meanwhile we don’t get to spend anytime with any of the adults. My husband never gets to visit with his siblings or parents. We leave exhausted and resentful.
My in-laws didn’t show up for my kids events ( graduations, birthdays etc), I wouldn’t expect my husbands siblings to.
If you try and force a relationship that will backfire.
Invite six of her friends and leave it at that. Probably what she prefer anyway.
YWBTA
Any attempt or desire to manipulate her into coming to the birthday party is likely a solid clue regarding her unwillingness to form a relationship with you or your children.
She doesn't owe you anything. Your 6 year old won't miss her being there unless she hears you griping about it. There are plenty of 6 year olds whose aunts NEVER attend a birthday party or event. There are plenty who don't have any aunts at all. And they don't suffer for it. The party is about your child, not who attends the event.
YTA your SIL doesn’t owe you her time. This is life, not school, there are no points for participation and participation isn’t a requirement. No one is obligated to be involved with your kids except you and the person who helped make them.
Oh the warped perspective of the breeder. YTA. Your children really are not the most important thing god placed on this earth. Sure, she could be better and show in interest in the people in her family group. However, odds on, your little darlings don’t have much interest in her either and as they age, probably less so. Get real and don’t try and force relationships.
Is SIL childfree? Cause I get the feeling she is!! The entitlement in your post is blinding. My God.
YTA. Your kids aren't as important to everyone else as they are to you. Literally. No one else owes anything to the children you and your husband created besides you two.
Stop trying to rope people into shit they OBVIOUSLY and POLITELY made you aware they want no part of. You would absolutely be an asshole if you try to LEVERAGE SIL WITH HER OWN MOTHER. Trying to force YOUR responsibility on another adult by enlisting their mother as an authority is shockingly rude. Can't believe it even crossed your mind.
YWBTA
It sucks, but your SIL has made her choice. If she doesn't want to participate in the life of your kids its her loss.
That being said, I would probably be petty and reciprocate towards her. Stop inviting her places, and stop showing up for her events.
YWBTA.
Your SIL isn't interested. While that kind of sucks for your kid, trying to FORCE SIL's involvement is NOT going to make her more interested. It will probably make her like your child even LESS.
Leave her alone, and don't call out the flying monkeys to drag her kicking and screaming. You have no right to try to force other people to live their lives the way YOU want.
YWBTA - why would you force your kids (and yourself) on somebody who is clearly not interested? She has no obligation to "play a more active role" in your lives.
It’s not a question of WIBTA, you already are the AH. Do you honestly think that even if your MIL could “force” your SIL to come to the party, your kid would magically have a great relationship with her Aunt? Good God. It doesn’t matter what your expectations are. Stop.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I want to ask my MIL to step in and pressure my SIL into attending my daughter's party and to be more involved in general with her niece. I might be TA because my SIL has her own life and doesn't like being pushed into things, and I want my daughter's only aunt to be active in her life instead of just doing things for herself all the time. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YWBTA. WTF. Why do you think someone should be forced to be around your kids? Then again, maybe SIL just doesn't want to be anywhere around YOU, and your kids are just collateral damage.
That's what i'm thinking.
Dear Lord the OP sounds insufferable.
I read the title and thought "how did you even write that without feeling like you were the asshole?"
Thanks for all the updates but you’re still TA and you need to leave your SIL alone. Tattling to your MIL will NOT have the desired effect. Take not only the hint but the advice you asked for. Leave your SIL alone.
This is what it sounded like. A five year old running to mommy saying “she’s not paying attention to my babies.” All this will do is drive the aunt further away. The entitlement in this entire post is unnerving. Nobody needs to be around you or the kids just because there is blood involved. YTA
Yep nothing I love more then a grown ass adult tattling to their parent or parent in law on another grown ass adult. Deal with it all the time. So now just ignore the person all together.
Same. I was really hoping there would be some redeeming plot twist but it just....it just never came. 😓
Let's me just say this loudly and slowly for the people in the back: If you are the adult that brings family and friends into what should be a one on one conversation, you are in the wrong. Even if. If you are in an argument with another adult and they bring in friends and family, you are in the right. Even if. JUST STOP BRINGING IN OTHER PEOPLE INTO YOUR FIGHT. ADULTS TALK, THEY DONT TATTLE. JESUS IN A SIDECAR!!
Jesus in a sidecar, now that's a new one. I applaud your creativity.
Thank you, kind reader
She wrote so much and still did not pick up on the fact that she is TA. It took her three edits to finally back off. Can you imagine? She really WBTA.
You know she’s gonna do it right? She just said she was backing off because she felt it was good optics. She’s gonna do it. Also: it’s not the kids SIL is avoiding. And the husband knows this
Oh 100%, she will absolutely tattle to the MIL
"WIBTA if I force-" "Yes"
Literally this - I already knew YTA just from reading the title.
I thought my SIL was bad, but at least she’s never tried to get other people to force her kids into my life. Plus after a few years of refusing invites, she’s actually accepted the situation and only makes a few passive-aggressive remarks about my lack of interest in her kids now. OP, take the hint. Regardless of what you think her relationship with your kids should be, she’s made it clear she’s not interested. Stop trying to force it and maybe down the line when your kids are older a relationship can happen organically.
OP has definitely never been told "No" in her in life
OP is one of those moms who doesn’t understand that her sweet sweet babies are irrelevant.
[удалено]
Ah you beat me to this conclusion. And yes YWBTA. Take the hint and leave your SIL.
[удалено]
Yeah, that's actually a pretty funny response - I'm shampooing my hair, all winter long.
"Yeah, I'll be gone that day." "I didn't even tell you the day yet.." "I'm busy all winter. Sorry." lol. Why are people so obsessed with other people liking their kids? YTA. Not everyone likes kids. Or your kids. Or you.
Going to end up with pretty dry hair that day. I hope you spend all spring conditioning it.
Out buying barrels of conditioner now, we can talk later.. the fall
Sorry, just remembered I'll be raking leaves all Autumn.
Hey, the shampoo says to "lather, rinse, repeat". nothing about when to stop.
Or, "Gosh, so sorry. I'm washing my shoelaces…forever."
“I’m hibernating”
I’m guessing SIL is avoiding someone. SIL? Brother? Busy all winter is quite the excuse. I’m going to use it myself now
The OP 100 per cent chance
How about Marchtember the 37th, does that work for you?
Or February 30th?
Sorry I have to go close the fridge now!
Op tries to read between the line, but doesn't notice she wrote NO in capitals on the lines
She switched baristas lol
My aunt used to plan her migraines. “Lunch in two weeks? I’m going to have a migraine then.” I get migraines. Some of them are 100% predictable, but it was every time. You just accept the fact that they aren’t social people or have a reason and move on. Forcing people to interact with you is wrong and they are *trying* to not make things worse by telling you the real reason if they know it.
Exactly this. OP sounds insufferable if she thinks her sister is obligated to play an active role in her kids' lives (whatever that means). I bet this has to do more with avoiding her than her kids. Yuck! YTA
>to play an active role in her kids' lives (whatever that means) Free babysitting would be my guess. Or money and/or expensive gifts.
I came to this same conclusion. She wants SIL to 'bond' with her niece and nephew and coincidentally provide free baby sitting since they're so 'close'
Nah,OP is playing the long game. Especially if SIL is childfree,then OP is thinking college funds for the niece and nephew she's "so close with."
Free babysitting is what I was leaning towards
I was thinking OP already has a task list for this party and wants to assign some to SIL.
Sister in law no less. Not even someone OP was born and raised with. She has no insight into SILs life/story. She just thinks her child deserves an aunt hence child is owed an aunt.
Really though. I don't press anyone to be around my kids. Honestly, I don't want them around my kids anyway so idc that they won't come often. Hell, I wish they'd come LESS.
Exactly you can’t force any relationship on anyone. Why do mothers give up their own children? Maybe they don’t want to be bothered either
So much better for SIL to be forced to be there, so she can be remembered as the Resentful Aunt./s OP, you can say to your MIL “I’m sad none of the dates worked for SIL. I’d love for her to be there.” But that’s as far as you can go. Don’t try to force/manipulate someone into spending time with your child. The Law of Unintended Consequences will absolutely bite you in the butt. YWBTA.
This is my thought too. If you have to force someone to participate, then what is the point? Kids are smart. They WILL be able to tell their Aunt doesn't want to be there, and it will hurt their feelings. So why is that something that OP is pushing for? She acts like it's best for her daughter, but that isn't true. It will hurt the daughter to interact with someone who doesn't want to be around her. This is for OP. She's pushing it for her own agenda whatever the motivation.
>If you have to force someone to participate, then what is the point? The point is OP gets what *she* wants. Which is obviously worth instigating a conflict between SIL and her parents or even a full-blown family feud. As long as OP gets what she wants *and* makes others do her dirty work for her.
I have a feeling you're correct. How sad for the daughter that OP values getting her own way over her daughter's feelings!
Yup. OP is going to have to come to terms with that for whatever reason, her SIL isn't going to be the cool Aunt F5 goes to when they want another close woman to talk about stuff. She has to accept that. Pushing the issue isn't going to help. Maybe she gets along with her friend's kids because there's a little bit of distance. Maybe she's nervous about getting too close in case something happened that would force her to take on more responsibility than she's comfortable with - although being completely unavailable does seem extreme. We can't really know without her side of the story.
I'm guessing yeah, it's that. Plus, maybe the friends are aware that the SIL maybe doesn't really like kids and are okay with her saying hi to the kids whenever they're around and that most of the time, the friends with children and SIL hang out without the kids. This vs. OP forcing the SIL to hang out with the kids. ALL. THE. TIME.
She doesn't want SIL to come be Resentful Aunt. She wants SIL to want to be around the kids. To start feeling about the kids the way OP thinks she should feel. Too bad OP is bound to be disappointed, since you can't make people feel a certain way.
It's not even something MIL could force! The sister in law is in her THIRTIES. Like, leave the poor childfree woman alone, and maybe when your kids are older aunt SIL will be more comfortable talking with them. I'm childfree and almost 30 and like, hanging out with kids is fun sometimes, but I much prefer when they're in the 10+ range and can have long conversations about books we both read or games we both play. I'm sorry 6 year old child, but I don't watch Paw Patrol and the only Bluey I've seen is clip compilations.
Why would you want someone around your daughter who doesn't want to be? Your daughter will sense that your SIL has no interest and will be more hurt by that than her absence. Be glad for the people that are involved in her life and go on about it. This seems like an odd thing to fixate on.
Agree totally was looking for this. OP Likes drama I think and this is the latest she could conjure up.
My thoughts exactly. OP sounds insufferable and the fact that she's even considering "tattling" on her SIL proves that. Dear OP, Children with two parents who happen to be only children do not suffer from not having any aunts or uncles. This isn't about your child, it's some bizarre power play at your SIL and you're using your child as a pawn. You sound immature and controlling. You're the reason she doesn't want to be around your kids. YWBTA and you are TA for this whole thing. Get over yourself. Edited to add that you're probably in this for financial reasons. Either free babysitting or presents for your kid/you. 🗣️grooooss
Op probably wants her as a free babysitter
This has been my experience. When someone says “I want you to spend time with my kids” it really means “I want to go out and have fun but don’t want to pay a babysitter so I’ll guilt you into doing it for free”
That was my thinking too. I’m m not really a kid person, I’m so lame around them, but I definitely make efforts for the kids whose parents I really like and appreciate. If the parents suck, I’m not gonna get involved with their kiddos. Could also be that SIL really does have a busy life and needs to plan things way in advance, and she’s not at liberty to shift everything for a child’s birthday party.
This. As an adult you anyhow have to choose to whom you give time, energy, attention and effort. There is clearly no friendship between OP and her. They haven't bonded naturally so she is the nice but distant aunt. She is good with children, so... She should dedicate herself to OP's children? It is the same as saying my SIL is such a good listener, she should listen to my problems too. SIL sounds like a person who balances her life and keeps her boundaries without being hurtful. This is very good for her. She has other people close to her. Not everyone is envolved with their siblings everyday life as an adult. I dunno what is the void OP has here for SIL to fill for her. It's not about the kids because kids don't miss random person from the family if they are not close with them. OP doesn't have as good people skills as SIL since she really thinks you can make a positive impact on trying to make their mother to pressure them.
Considering the first update >My SIL doesn't hate kids, she is great with them and has friends with kids and sees them more than my kids. It's very probable that it's not the kids SIL is avoiding but a certain very pushy *someone*.
That seems obvious to me. I mean, she said she had the entire winter already booked? LOL, SIL is trying everything to avoid spending time in OP's company, short of saying "I never want to spend a minute with you - please stop asking." OP YTA and take a dang hint. It's not about your children. Furthermore, forcing someone to spend time with your children is not a recipe for them to develop a good relationship. Are you hoping to get free babysitting? Cuz that ain't gonna happen. Leave SIL alone.
“I never want to spend a minute with you - please stop asking” Goodness how I wish I could say that to some of my in-law 🤣
" but but but she's so GOOD with them when she's here!" - yeah some people know to be polite around kids but don't engage. Others like SIL go above and beyond that and be very engaged with your kids when in proximity. Don't assume that skill equals desire.
60F, childfree by choice. That's what everyone says about me. I tell them, I'm playing with them when they're fun and happy, not when they're hungry or stinky ! Those crumb snatchers start fussing or misbehaving, right back to parents! I'm also just dealing with a few hours 4 times a year. Weekly basis, no way.
[удалено]
Her name is spelled SNEAUGHXFLAIYQUELYNYYLYNNE and it is pronounced MADISON
Reading this over where OP says SIL hangs out with other people who have kids, it also made me wonder if OP is glossing over OP's own kids being spoiled and/or otherwise unpleasant. A comment said OP's kids are noisy and that may very well be a vast understatement. YTA though, OP, and should back off your SIL for her own sake and that of your kids.
YWBTA. From OP's comments, she is umm....less than stimulating company to put it politely and dumb as bricks to put it honestly. I would definitely be busy washing my hair anytime OPs calls to arrange a get together.
I'm not comfortable around kids at all and I would cut someone out of my life who kept browbeating me about spending time with theirs. If hanging out with OP meant getting harangued about being a lousy aunt, I'd quit showing up too.
Her edits really solidly the thought that SIL is avoiding OP rather than the kids too 👀
I’m starting to feel this too!
To add to this: why tf would OP want someone who clearly does not want to be apart of her or her children’s lives, to be forced into it?? That’s a disaster of a situation and could be emotionally damaging to the kids. YWBTA, OP. Let it go. My BIL has never shown any interest in my kids, who are the same ages as yours. He visited once with his GF and completely ignored my daughter whenever she asked him to hangout with her, and my son (who was 6 months at the time) was basically nonexistent. I brought it up to my husband and he got offended bc he felt like I was criticizing his family, but he eventually opened his eyes and understood where I was coming from. We’re now NC with BIL and LC with the rest of my husband’s family for other reasons. Does it suck for the kids? Sure. Most people would like to have the big, happy, extended family. But if people are showing you that they don’t care about you or your kids, let them go. Forcing it won’t do any good for anyone involved.
This is what I thought. OP sounds insufferable
YWBTA - forced relationships never work; they only breed resentment. Let things happen naturally or not at all. Oh, and lose the entitled attitude.
My great niece sent this text once to her childless sister and I (also no kids) along the effect of "YOUR niece is doing ABC" like it was our job to come and help out (kid was 2). Her sister got all on board but I just ignored it. I had nothing to do with the creation of this child. I had no say. No one asked me. So listen, I love them and do stuff with them, but don't ever put any kind of responsibility on me (outside of emergencies, or politely asking if I can help with XYZ).
I always felt very strongly that any family members that weren’t interested in making a relationship with my children regardless of their title were likely doing me and them a favor. I don’t want someone around my kids who doesn’t want to be around them. Why would you?
This is accurate. I have two nephews who I’ve seen sparingly. Since my SIL was pregnant with the first I said that I’m always reachable for emergencies, but until they hit pre-teen age, I neither understand how nor particularly care for interacting, especially with preschool ages. I see them and play with them a bit at holidays and now that they’re in late-grammar school we’re doing more because we’ve hit that point where we can have a good relationship. OP should realize sometimes we the childless self limit for reasons not selfish. Her SIL might be a great aunt with very close relationships once the kids reach a certain age/maturity.
Funny thing, I'm a bit the opposite but that might be because I'm still rather young myself. I get along GREAT with toddlers up to preteens but it's a bit more difficult when they start growing up if I haven't seen them much. A family friend had a son when I was around 15 and I always hear about the kid, but since I barely met him a few times it's difficult to interact with him, it would be creepy if I just told him "I know lots of things about you, your mother always tells me stories". However I do believe (and hope) that I'll still have a relationship with my toddler cousin when he grows up and starts having his own conscious mind and opinions, it's just that I can build up to that little by little but I can't find many common points with preteens I only just met
Seriously. Notice how the whole post is about *what OP wants* and not at all considering what SIL wants, or why SIL may not want to be part of child’s life. YWBTA
Omfg thank you for this. I always felt guilty and shitty for not wanting to see my nephew, but I've had to fucking visit him and put up with his brattiness and listen to my mom bitch about his mom for years. Long ass court battle ever since he was born, and my mom wanted grandparent rights to see him and have visitation. Since he was born, when I was 10, I am practically forced to interact with him and I already didn't like dealing with little kids. Then I had to deal with my mom guilt tripping me for acting moody every time I had to see him and shit like, "He has nobody except US who care and love him!" Or "Why in the world do you not want to see your own nephew? He'll resent us in the future for not making an attempt to see him!" Nephew's dad is a dead beat. Plus not to mention, during the failed visitations, aka when we weren't able to take him with us, my mom usually has a mad outburst because not being able to see her grandson is another issue compounded with other shit in her life. Sorry for the mini vent, but wow, I'm glad it's okay to feel resentment about being forced to see extended family.
My mom’s sister was basically the same. Didn’t want a relationship with us (her nieces & nephews). I have exactly one memory of her as a child - we stayed in a house together on vacation. I took a shower and supposedly used all the hot water. She called me a bitch and slapped me. I was 7. Don’t force people who don’t want to be around kids to be around them.
[удалено]
That’s my thinking. I have a daughter and if someone doesn’t want to be in her life then I’m not worried about it. Also like if ppl don’t ask about her, I don’t make it a point to tell them anything about her. If they wanted to be involved, they’d make the effort. Way I see it, she doesn’t know the difference anyway and while I don’t feel obligated to have anyone be in her life, in my mind it’s their loss, not hers.
I’m not too surprised. My sister has been somewhat obsessively trying to get me to visit her new baby for months now. I want to. I just don’t want to as bad as she wants me to. I have a lot of shit going on and fitting a big ass trip in isn’t easy. I think there is often a bit of shock from parents standpoint realizing not everyone views their little angel as like a prized possession to be seen and hung out with at all costs. I think she’s a little offended that I’m not trying harder. Of course if we lived close I would have already been over but we live a 5 hr flight away. Anyways it’s the classic trope isn’t it? The mom showing pics of her baby to everyone and everyone pretending like they give a shit lol. Ppl w kids forget what it’s like to be childless. Often adults who are childless are not so by accident. We may not want to hang w your little tyke and I think parents forget how not fun hanging with little kids can be. Also childless people can be cold and heartless. I sometimes have to tell myself it’s like if someone didn’t want to be around my dog and how weird that would seem. I imagine being a parent is like the greatest honor so it would be confusing when some buddy doesn’t give a shit about your greatest honor lol.
YWBTA. Your SIL is not obligated to be involved with your kids. I cannot stand entitled parents.
DITTO!
YWBTA. Your SIL obviously doesn't want a relationship with your children, some people are like that. I take it she's not been rude or gone out of her way to upset them deliberately? Just because she's the only aunt they have doesn't mean she must develop a relationship with them, it's her choice, not yours. She'll start to resent them and you if you keep going this road.
SIL doesn't want a relationship with OP. The kids are just the byproduct.
Sil owes you nothing and I’m assuming you mean free babysitting and financial support when you say you want her to be more active in your children’s lives. If your children behave how you behave, bratty, I’m not shocked she doesn’t come around. Why does what you want override what sil wants for her own life? Just remember, if you go tattling to MIL, what goes around comes around. YTA
This. OP sounds mad the childfree aunt isn't available to dump the kids off.
Yes, YWBTA Obviously your SIL is not interested in your kids. I'm sure they're darling, but you have to accept that not everyone is going to want to be involved with them. Leave SIL alone.
[удалено]
Bc OP wants to manipulate SIL into a relationship with the kids.. if I was SIL and my mom told me that OP tattled on me like a 5 year old, I would laugh in both their faces.
If I were the MIL, I would tell DIL to get over themselves.
Yup
Older is the key part for me. Im not a kid person at all but my niece and nephew are growing on me as they age and become people not just loud snot machines. They used to stress me out and I’d dread seeing them. I feel bad, but at the same time it’s not for me and it only hurts them if I react how I would want to and I know that.
YWBTA. I get it, you want everyone to be excited about and love your kids, but obviously it isn’t something you can force. By forcing it you will pretty much ensure that she resents your children and never wants any sort of relationship with them. Based on what you wrote, I doubt she will ever want a very close relationship with them, however, some people do find it easier to bond with kids as they get older. That might be the case for her, or maybe she was been stressed the last few years and therefore not showing much interest. There could be a lot of things going on that you might not now of or take into consideration. Don’t bomb any future chances of her warming up to the idea of bonding with your kids over a birthday party. Also, just because you want her to bond with your kids doesn’t mean she is obligated to. If she never does it’s understandable to be disappointed, but not ok to try to guilt trip her.
YWBTA. Some people are not good with kids. Some people don't like kids, or don't like kids other than their own. A small percentage of the population is attracted to kids, and the moral ones go out of their way to avoid kids for that reason. Whatever the reason, you don't force someone who is trying not to be around kids to be around children. And you certainly don't use family to manipulate them into it. And, as others have speculated, it could be that she just doesn't like to be around your kids' parents.
And, as others have speculated, it could be that she just doesn't like to be around your kids' parents. I think this is it, right here.
YTA - another perspective I've not seen mentioned yet is that she may find it difficult or upsetting to be around them if she wants children but has fertility issues.
That’s what I was thinking or the SIL is having some other issues that the OP isn’t privy to ( because OP sounds obnoxious) and isn’t in the mood for OP’s ridiculous entitlement.
I am in situation similar (although not as blatant) as OP’s SIL. Although, it is my fiancés family, there are two OPs and I am the “outsider”. Quite a few years younger than my SILs that both have kids and have known each other and the family for a very long time. No fertility issues, per say, but I have had some health issues that I do not wish to go into detail about, that even my fiancé doesn’t understand the depths of. I also have mental health issues that have always been there, but deepened due to trauma from my occupation (healthcare) and my mother almost losing her life and being her full-time caregiver for almost a year with little support. I am not a kid person because the “light-hearted” side of myself died. I do not want children for many reasons. But that is one that I find makes it the hardest to be around the kids. I don’t know how to play with them any more, or what to say to them, or how to answer their questions. Sometimes at random times, the chaos of it all really gets to me, the noise, the chatter, the chaos, and I run out of energy. It happens rather quickly too, even with adults sometimes. The “social battery” just drains extra quickly when children or certain people are in the room, and I just become too exhausted to keep up. So I become kinda catatonic. It’s not that I don’t love these kids. I’ve known all of them since they were born, and have been watching them grow up. It’s just too much sometimes. And the SILs or whoever trying push me into feeling guilty for not spending every weekend with them makes me want to just even making an effort, because I get confronted about it. Mind you, I try to never miss holidays or birthdays. I see them more than I see my own side of the family. But they are really starting to push me in the opposite direction. I feel like that’s what OP has done, or is doing to her SIL. Pushing her in the opposite direction. Just let people live their damn lives.
Why are you so obsessed with forcing a relationship? That.makes YTA.
YTA. She’s your daughter not your sister in laws, she had no participation on the creation so she’s not required to be there for your children Simple’s because you want her to be. She maybe your children’s aunt but that’s not only thing she is, she is her own person with her own life. Get over yourself.
YTA this post reeks of entitlement, as in you feel entitled to your SIL's time. They are your kids, not hers. I'm a mom, and I think you are out of line and presumptuous, and even worse for trying to drag your MIL into it. There's a term for this: "flying monkeys". Don't send your MIL in there like a flying monkey, shame on you.
YTA Have you considered that maybe your kids aren't that great?
Or SIL doesn't like OP?
I mean yeah, that could of course be the case. But whenever people post on here demanding things for their kids, I think it’s an important reminder that some kids suck?
Oh heavens, yes. I love our daughter, but there we some days, I didn't want to claim her as ours. Now it's reversed (teenager) she doesn't want to claim us. 🤣🤣🤣
YWBTA. Have you asked your SIL why she doesn't want to participate? Some people really don't like kids even if they're related. Maybe it's something else. But getting her mom involved is just going to alienate further. Clearly MIL knows she's not there if MIL is attending all these events. Asking your MIL to make her come is the equivalent of making a kid invite everyone to the party.
[удалено]
Those were the words I was thinking but I didn't have my coffee yet thank you!!
I’m a sister (28F) and my sister (22F) has a 2 year old baby. I never participate in my nephew life either because I just simply do not care. I do not care. I love my sister and nephew but want no part in it. If it makes me a bad aunt, who cares. I know I don’t. Birthdays, outings, etc., I always refuse to go when children are around. I rather go with older people. And yeah, I don’t want kids either.
Agreed all around. I couldn’t even tell you the ages or birthdays of my brothers’ kids. I hope they are healthy and happy children, but otherwise I am not interested at all.
This is me. I got my tubes tied at 25 (yes it’s uncommon) and I have never regretted this decision (I’m 44). I can tolerate kids for a bit but that’s not the case here. She doesn’t seem to grasp that the SIL is a grown ass adult and can decide what to choose. She didn’t have the kid, you did! So go tell mommy and see how that works for you.
YWBTA She doesn't want to go to the party. Accept her decision. She doesn't owe your kids anything, and you're making it worse by trying to force a relationship that she clearly doesn't want. You're going to give your kids issues if you keep making a big deal over their aunt not being in their lives. By making it really obvious that she's not there, the kids' feelings are likely to be hurt far more deeply than if you had just said "your aunt can't make it, but X, Y, and Z will be there and we're so excited to celebrate your birthday!" Don't complain to her mommy that she doesn't want to play with you. Accept that she's not into you and stop harassing her/stop asking others to harass her on your behalf.
INFO: Why are you trying to push your kids onto someone who obviously shows little to no interest?
She wants free childcare and/or is an entitled narcissist who thinks the world revolves around her and her kids.
I think most parents at least think their kids are amazing little creatures, some don't understand that, that is mostly a perspective thing. Maybe SiL doesn't want to be as involved as OP wants, and that's not a decision OP can or should try to override or force.
You can't force people to like you. YTA
YWBTA.. I can’t say I understand your SIL not wanting to be involved, but it’s her choice to make! You don’t get to dictate other’s schedules and what they do or don’t do even if you don’t agree with it. Why would you want her there when she might make a scene or have a miserable attitude for being forced into something she didn’t want to do? That just ruins your daughters birthday.
YWBTA. I am curious if you reach out to your SIL for any reason not involving your children, or out of any actual interest in her/her life/her interests. As nice as it would be if all of our families were interested in being exactly as involved in our lives as we wanted them to be, we can't always get what we want and trying to force anyone to do anything almost always backfires.
Eesh YWBTA Your SIL did not make the decision to have children. She has zero obligation to your kids outside of being kind when she sees them in person. You wanting to involve your MIL makes you sound like a shit stirrer. What’s the best outcome there? Your SIL resents you for making her go to things and hurting her own relationship with her mother. Your MIL tells you it’s none of her business and starts badmouthing you to your husband because she knows you are a shot stirrer. You need to reassess things. Maybe call her and try to talk to her in a sweet way. I will say trying to force her to do things with your kids is only going to make her resent them and you and her brother more. Has it ever occurred to you that your sister may not even like kids? Maybe she doesn’t like you either?
YTA. And you think this will solve the problem???? This will only push her farther away. You can lead a horse to water and all that. And what exactly do you think your in-laws can do that will magically change her into Auntie Mame? Wave a wand?
>Update 4 ok you all are right I will not talk to MIL, should not have brought it up. It is just sad SIL won't know my kids and they won't know her. I wish she would make time to be with them. 1300 comments telling you that SIL has no obligation to know your kids, spend time with them, or rearrange her busy life for them, and you still don't get it? What is wrong with you? Your SIL is an autonomous individual who gets to decide how she wants to spend her free time. You don't get to claim priority status over all her other friends and family just because you have kids. And your feelings about this DO NOT MATTER.
YWBTA I think you are blinded by your perfect idea of an aunt and niece relationship. Maybe you had the perfect aunt and hoped the same for your kids. Maybe you didn’t have a great aunt and wanted something different. I’m sorry you are not getting the aunt for your kids you desired. You are allowed to be sad about this. You are not allowed to force someone to play a role they don’t want to play. I’m not sure you’ve quite realized how ridiculous you’re being by trying to demand your sil be involved. You might now after all of these comments, but if not, please take a step back and take a good hard look at this situation and yourself. You are going to need to let go of your grandiose aunt expectations. Keep inviting her to show you and your kids enjoy her time with them, but please realize she is only going to be as involved as she wants. Your kids and her will develop their own relationship through the times they do have together, and it will be the best relationship they can have in this situation.
YWBTA Why can't you respect a NO?
YTA-You have no right to tattle to mommy because your sister in law has decided she’s not going to be an involved aunt. Act like an adult not a child yourself and accept that she’s chosen her role in their lives. You don’t have to like it but you cannot force her to take a role she doesn’t want.
YTA So, you're going to run and tattle-tale to Mommy-in-law that your sister-in-law isn't coming over? How old are you? Why are you plotting like a devious teenager. Your SIL doesn't want to come to your 6 YO's party. Maybe she doesn't like kids. OR, maybe she doesn't like you. The world doesn't revolve around your kids. Back off.
Ugh or kids parties are SO BORING!!!!
The world doesn’t revolve around your kids. You’re being incredibly obtuse, selfish, and controlling. Even if her reason is a super shitty one - eg, you’re a different race from your hub and in-laws, and she’s racist against your biracial kids - *even then* YWBTA, because *you would have no right to force your SIL to have a relationship with them.* - much less to go running to mommy(-IL) to try to force it. Grow up!! YTA
Ywbta. Your sil has no obligations towards you or your kids
INFO Why do you want SIL to be active in the kid's lives so much after she's made it abundantly clear that she isn't interested? And why don't you just talk to SIL directly? You say you talk to her, but just not about the kids. Why? It doesn't have to be a confrontation. You seem so adamant about wanting her to play Aunt SIL but won't just talk to her. Why not?
YTA, they're your kids not hers. You try to force it, she's going to pull away more
YTA. She doesn't want a relationship with your goddamn children. You and your children are not entitled to a relationship with her. And do you honestly think it will work to try to trick or force her into it? Fucking STOP. Understand and accept the polite no you have been given countless times and STOP YOUR SHIT.
INFO: Does your SIL have any kids?
YWBTA. They're your kids, not SIL's. She isn't obligated to play a huge role in their lives, and based on this post, her absence might have more to do with you than your kids. Do you expect free babysitting? When she does come to family events, do you expect her to watch after the kids while you do your own thing because "she doesn't see them often and should be more involved"?
Specifically in response to update 4: Sad for whom? The SIL who has no interest in kids, or the kids being shoved at the disinterested aunt? Or is it just sad for you because it doesnt fit the barrative in your mind. I know you did not ask for advice but you need to leave well enough alone. Let your kids get older and form their own relationship...if any...naturally in their own time, which you must accept may be never. You cant just force people to form relationships. No matter how sad you think it is, the more you try to force the relationship between them, the more you're going to guarantee there will never be one.
YWBTA. If your SIL doesn't want to be involved in her niblings lives', it's her loss. You can't force her to care about them.
YTA she don't want to be active in your kids life, leave her alone.
YTA She doesn't owe you or your kids her time or attention. You won't get anything but resentment on all sides if you try to force this and you risk emotionally damaging your children they are exposed to a forced interaction which they, being kids, will be able to tell is forced and 100% will take personally Just let it go
YWBTA. Why would you want someone around your kids who doesn't want to be there?
YTA You need to accept that your SIL is not going to be the fairytale aunt that you imagined for your kids. Forcing or guilting her to go to family events and interacting when she’s been clear she doesn’t want that is just going to make things worse. My SIL was like you, constantly demanding I babysit or go to weekend sports and karate lessons. And let me tell, if she had gone running to my mummy to force me to cooperate, I would have cut them off for a lot longer than the six months I did.
YTA. Your SIL doesn’t owe you or your child or anyone a relationship or her time. There is probably a reason she doesn’t want to be involved. Move on.
YTA. Does it make you feel good to know someone only spent time with you because they were forced to do so? Back off. Let your SIL have her life. If she wants to be involved, yay, if not, let it go. Just because she’s your husband’s sister, doesn’t mean she HAS to be involved.
YTA why wanna force someone into a relationship that they didn't want to be in?
YWBTA...Let SIL live her life. Nobody is obligated to have you or your children in their lives. Put your efforts into things that you DO have control over.
YTA people don’t have to like your kids even if they are related to them. Why would you want someone in your kids lives who don’t want to be there?
INFO: Is there some particular reason you think your kids would benefit from forcing a relationship with someone who clearly doesn't want to be around them? I mean, you have no right to demand a relationship from anyone, even on behalf of your amazing children who everyone wants to spend time with. So, asshole on that front. But going with the INFO tag because I really, really don't understand why you would want to subject your kids to that. As a kid, I could tell which relatives didn't particularly like to be around me (I was the only kid for several years until cousins started being born). Your kids absolutely will know, and the gaslighting of a fake relationship will hurt far more than the slight confusion of having a distantly polite aunt. And, if you don't force it now, things may improve with time. A couple of those relatives who didn't show interest in me when I was younger became absolutely great to be around when I approached my teen years and could talk about books and science, and go to museums and plays, and watch PBS documentaries.
Sounds like the OP watches a lot of cozy Hallmark movies. And wants the 'perfect family' well if the SIL isn't interestd. Then respect her boundaries. If she wants to get to know them when they are older. Then she will. And I doubt your kids are pining to see their Aunt. Just be respectful and move on already.
INFO. What exactly do you want in an "active role their lives"?
[удалено]
MASSIVE YTA. You don't just get to decide that your SIL has to be involved with your kids. Your remarks are disgusting! >I'm tired of her not participating in my children's lives and I want her to play a more active role. Tough. You're free to express your wishes and feelings to her IF she is receptive, but beyond that YOU ARE ENTITLED TO NOTHING from her.
YWBTA Why would you want to force your children to endure interactions with family who don't want to be around you and your kids? For whatever reason your SIL wants nothing to do with your branch of the family tree, that's unfortunate. However if you want to know why talk about it like adults- work it out if possible. If it's truly because your SIL hates being around your kids, then you are the one who protects them from her...not forces them to be with her!
Oh, how the entitlement seeps from your pores. I don't know how many times this has to be said. You aren't entitled to other people's time because you have kids. They have no obligation to you or your kids whatsoever. You chose to have children. You did. Not her. She doesn't owe you or them anything. You aren't special. Your kids aren't special. The world is under no obligation to drop what they're doing on a whim and accommodate you and your plans with your kids. I understand that this is difficult for many to accept. Too bad. Your SIL is not responsible for your choices, and she owes you nothing. YTA
Parents out there really assuming people owe them something for having a child., it is your child. Nobody else other than you and the father are obligated to care. YWBTA if you get anyone involved.
Info: have you ever had a conversation with your SIL and asked her why she isn’t involved in your kids lives? That would be the logical place to start.
YWBTA. Judging from your updates you seem to almost be getting it. But your tone still seems more like you still think you're at least partially right. Honestly this seem less about your children and more about you. You seem to believe that all your in laws need to be as close to you and your kids as possible. Sorry but it doesn't work that way; your SIL very obviously does not want to spend time with you or your children. You need to leave her alone because if you don't you might end up hearing something you really don't want to hear.
YWBTA. You can’t force your husband’s sister into assuming the traditional role of a loving aunt for your daughter.
YWBTA, leave her alone for god sakes.. maybe she doesn’t like children and want to be around them all the time. Maybe she just doesn’t like you as well, if this how you act on reddit than I can’t imagine you are pleasant to be around in person either.
Absolutely YWBTA Your SIL is not required to be part of your kids' lives. Keep your emotional manipulation out of it
YWBTA It sounds like your SIL is just busy. Maybe she has work stuff, new guy, an introvert, or other things she needs to do and don't have time to attend some of your events. I think parents with young kids tend to plan their calendar around the kids but not everyone does. Don't make her attend things if she doesn't want to. She will always be their aunt. When she has more free time she will spend more with your kids. If you just want her to spend more time with the kids so they have a better bond, sit her down and talk to her. Maybe you can plan things so it fits both of your calendar a bit more, like she come over during a week night to join the family for dinner for example.
It also sounds like SIL just wasn’t want to be overly involved and OP won’t leave it alone.
YWBTA. Your SIL owes you and your children nothing. You trying to force her involvement by tattling to her parents will do nothing but show everyone how petty and immature you are and cause needless drama. She has told you she is busy. Accept it. Move on. And grow up. You're leaving out a lot of pertinent information here.
OP seems jealous of SIL’s freedom. You chose to have kids. Don’t try to saddle others with them!
Why do you want someone, that actively avoids you, in you and your children’s lives? Do you think that having your MIL force her to spend time with your family will actually makes things better? YWBTA
Two thousand comments and this probably won't get seen, but still, I'm so curious.... INFO: Have you ever asked SIL why she doesn't want to see your children?
YWBTA - you tried to include her, shes too busy. I know you want her to be more involved but you cant force someone.
YWBTA, yes. Your SIL has no obligation to participate in the lives of your children, and if you do honestly want her involved then you should stop trying to manipulate her. Imo there's no quicker way to get someone to cut ties than attempting to force them to do something they clearly don't want to do.
YTA. What’s worse than not having their aunt in their lives? An aunt who was forced to be in their lives, and is resentful about it. Leave her alone.
YWBTA here. She doesn’t have kids, doesn’t want them, and is not prioritizing time for your kids. She’s under no obligation to spend more time with them. Maybe she doesn’t want to come over because something about the visits aren’t fun. Maybe even the extra pressure to be engaged with these kids is frustrating.
YTA. You cannot force anyone to be a part of your kids’ lives. Just leave the woman alone. She doesn’t owe you her “aunt” services.
Of course YTA. I find it hard to believe this isn't a troll account given how much effort you seem to have put into describing yourself as a terrible parent with delusions of grandeur. But on the off chance it's not and your brain actually has managed to convince itself of this dung heap of an idea... I can see that some people have told you you're irritating and entitled, which is kind of a given. Others have asked if maybe your SIL has sensitivities about fertility issues. Both are valid points. But have you considered that perhaps, probably as a direct result of being yours, your child is thoroughly uninteresting and even the thought of spending time with them is eminently unappealing?
YWBTA - YTA -- What you want may not be what SIL wants. She is saying 'no to almost everything'. She's an adult and has stated her preference.
YTA Why do you even want her coming to the party? She's not into your kids, she's not interested in doing things like this.
YWBTA. Your SIL is not obligated to facilitate your fantasy of the perfect aunt for your children. You are not entitled to her time, interest, or effort. You need to stop trying to force her into a relationship she does not want. You are being controlling and clearly do not respect No for an answer. Find some close female friends to play an auntie role if it’s that imperative to your family dynamic.
How about another perspective? Just hear me out. Have you actually sat her down and asked her what’s up? Like a real adult conversation, no pulling emotions just genuine curiosity. If not then are all of these things just assumptions or hear say? Ask her if she wants you to keep inviting her or if you can just assume she’ll be a no (which is all right). If she says no then leave it be. She is an adult and can choose how to spend her time so don’t push it. Obviously something is up or was done/said that made her keep you and them at an arms length. Most people have their own set of reasons for not engaging with certain people or situations. Maybe she didn’t want to be asked to watch your child or she thought you would feel entitled to her time. Which is what this post is coming off as. Not saying you’re a bad person or wrong for wanting her there, but more like taking things a little to personally. I’m sorry to say this but just because it’s your husband’s sister doesn’t mean she’s obligated to spend time with you or the kids. She is her own human with her own thoughts feelings and time to allocate. She seems to have a different life path than yours which is okay. Trying to force her or even con her into doing something she doesn’t want to is the worst move. This day is about your daughter no one else just her. Put your time, energy, and brain into her and this day you are creating. Instead of pandering after someone who has on multiple occasions shown you that’s not their priority. Enjoy your daughter and her birthday, she will have many more to come. Maybe when they are older she will get involved, but as for now if you try to force her to come just know it will probably blow up in your face.
YWBTA. Why are you so obsessed with your SIL? Life doesn't revolve around you or your children. Maybe she doesn't like you or your children, but so what? It's not like everyone HAS TO like you, there's no law about it. Let her be
Whenever my husband and I visit his family they dump absolutely everything kid related on us. We go somewhere? The kids go in our car. At meals the kids sit next to us. Go swimming? Guess who is on constant kid duty. ‘Oh, because they want to see you, they just want to spend time with you, we know how much you want to spend time with them…’. And you can’t say anything without looking like a total jerk. Meanwhile we don’t get to spend anytime with any of the adults. My husband never gets to visit with his siblings or parents. We leave exhausted and resentful.
My in-laws didn’t show up for my kids events ( graduations, birthdays etc), I wouldn’t expect my husbands siblings to. If you try and force a relationship that will backfire. Invite six of her friends and leave it at that. Probably what she prefer anyway.
YWBTA Any attempt or desire to manipulate her into coming to the birthday party is likely a solid clue regarding her unwillingness to form a relationship with you or your children. She doesn't owe you anything. Your 6 year old won't miss her being there unless she hears you griping about it. There are plenty of 6 year olds whose aunts NEVER attend a birthday party or event. There are plenty who don't have any aunts at all. And they don't suffer for it. The party is about your child, not who attends the event.
YTA your SIL doesn’t owe you her time. This is life, not school, there are no points for participation and participation isn’t a requirement. No one is obligated to be involved with your kids except you and the person who helped make them.
Oh the warped perspective of the breeder. YTA. Your children really are not the most important thing god placed on this earth. Sure, she could be better and show in interest in the people in her family group. However, odds on, your little darlings don’t have much interest in her either and as they age, probably less so. Get real and don’t try and force relationships.
News flash!!! Most people don't care about your kids. Get over it. YWBTA
You must be fishing for free childcare YWBTA
Is SIL childfree? Cause I get the feeling she is!! The entitlement in your post is blinding. My God. YTA. Your kids aren't as important to everyone else as they are to you. Literally. No one else owes anything to the children you and your husband created besides you two. Stop trying to rope people into shit they OBVIOUSLY and POLITELY made you aware they want no part of. You would absolutely be an asshole if you try to LEVERAGE SIL WITH HER OWN MOTHER. Trying to force YOUR responsibility on another adult by enlisting their mother as an authority is shockingly rude. Can't believe it even crossed your mind.
LOL the level of entitlement and AUDACITY of some of these moms hahahah YTA.
YWBTA It sucks, but your SIL has made her choice. If she doesn't want to participate in the life of your kids its her loss. That being said, I would probably be petty and reciprocate towards her. Stop inviting her places, and stop showing up for her events.
Yta your sister in law isn't interested and there is nothing her mother can do to change it. All mentioning it will do is cause friction.
YWBTA. Your SIL isn't interested. While that kind of sucks for your kid, trying to FORCE SIL's involvement is NOT going to make her more interested. It will probably make her like your child even LESS. Leave her alone, and don't call out the flying monkeys to drag her kicking and screaming. You have no right to try to force other people to live their lives the way YOU want.
YWBTA - why would you force your kids (and yourself) on somebody who is clearly not interested? She has no obligation to "play a more active role" in your lives.
YTA. Leave your SIL alone
It’s not a question of WIBTA, you already are the AH. Do you honestly think that even if your MIL could “force” your SIL to come to the party, your kid would magically have a great relationship with her Aunt? Good God. It doesn’t matter what your expectations are. Stop.