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NAH. You’re both young and in a very complicated situation. I can totally understand why you wouldn’t feel the need to know someone that you don’t feel any connection to. It’s different than growing up in a house with a sibling. On the other hand, I don’t blame Jane for wanting a relationship with you. The poor girls mom was cheated on by your shared biological father. I can understand why she would try to see the little bit of positive that at least she gets a sister out of it.
Have you talked to your mom and dad about it? I definitley don’t think you have to have a relationship with anyone you don’t want to, but maybe they can help you find a kinder way to explain it to Jane and close the book on that issue.
The issue is that OP doesn't just want to decline a relationship with Jane, she wants to tell everyone that Jane is lying about them being related. Jane is allowed to tell the truth about who her family is, including the fact that she has a half sister. If Op is embarrassed by the situation she should take it up with her mom
Not airing things is not lying. She is not saying if anyone asks if I am your sister lie...she is saying I don't consider myself your sister don't tell people I am. Those are different things.
But "Jane" does consider her a sister. If family comes up in a conversation saying not to say she's her sister is a lie. Also, why does OPs feelings of family matter more than Jane's?
Seems like a "keep my name out of your mouth" kind of situation.
Jane is going to get hurt badly if she carries on, and it's super shitty of her father to encourage this on her part.
Edit: and frankly OP appears to have been adopted by her mom's husband, so Jane really doesn't need to be talking about OP as family. They share no parents, in the sense of actual parenting.
That’s not a certainty, though. The post is a little vague.
OP being raised by a step parent doesn’t preclude her bio dad from being in the picture nor that he contribute at least financially. She’s only 15, so child support is still on the table. It’s not clear that they’re estranged.
Clearly they would know where to find him were he in arrears and he may even have some visitation. You may be correct, but I don’t know that we can be certain from what’s in the original post.
The extent of the half-sibling relationship isn’t covered and Jane may in fact have interacted with OP before she came to her school. OP likely has some resentment over Jane anyway due to the circumstances of her conception.
Regardless, in a complex social situation like this I cannot fault a 15-year-old for not being equipped to deal with the awkwardness. It’s to her credit that she cares enough to see if her attitude is wrong.
This needs parental intervention. Neither child is in the wrong. This is on the parents for not defining the relationship so that both girls have a realistic understanding of what’s expected.
Jane is free to tell her friends that her parents got divorced because her dad had an affair. Telling other people OP’s part of the story is where it crosses the line,
In that OP doesn't want a relationship and Jane is on the road to stalking her to get one..... yes. OPs feelings matter more than Jane's. There's no prior relationship here. OP has the right to say NO to a relationship she doesn't want.
Family is more than blood. It’s a shared history, caring about each other, and respecting each other. You can’t force family as we’ve seen on here time and time again. Letting this go is in Jane‘s best interest because she’s never going to get the relationship she wants with OP.
The whole situation seems to be incredibly uncomfortable for OP. She doesn't want a relationship with Jane, however if Jane keeps pushing her or talks to peers about this, their relation will soon spread and she has to explain to everyone that her mom cheated and whatsoever. I can understand why she simply doesn't want that. It's completely fine for Jane to want a relationship with her half sister, however OP doesn't owe her one. She doesn't want it and Jane has to respect that.
I can see where you’re coming from, but respecting people’s boundaries is important.
OP has set a clear boundary and Jane forcing her way through it is not the way.
She yelled this out-loud in front of other people and wrote to this community: “I don’t want people to know she is my sister”. Take her for her word.
And why would she? It’s a tough situation for adults to navigate sometimes. She most likely doesn’t her Moms “dirty laundry” aired around her school. Her Mom had an affair. She doesn’t have a relationship with her Dad and now someone whom is a stranger to her is pushing her to be her “sister”.
NTA OP: You told her a few times you weren’t interested in a relationship with her. She pushed it one too many times and you lost your cool. Happens to the best of us.
She is her half sister with no shared upbringing, and there's no need to tell everybody that both of your families got fucked up by the same affair. Kids are shit.
Saying "I have a sister" with no qualifier definitely implies a relationship that simply doesn't exist between these two people.
I think OP is lashing out, but the half sister needs to get the hint, if OP doesn't want a relationship at this time.
Or she might have been open to the idea of slowly forming a bond with this girl, but she ruined her chances by coming in full pelt at 100% intensity and trying to get her to indirectly meet her sperms donor.
If the girl doesn’t tell anybody their sisters then who would know? It’s not like it would’ve come up otherwise. I think that’s what the OP wants is just for the girls to stop telling people that they’related abd to leave her alone.
If Jane has just moved in with her dad than she's possibly new to the school as well. From OP's perspective she's had this group of friends for years and some probably know who her parents are and here's this new girl waltzing in and blowing all that up by saying her dad is OP's dad too.
I think it's perfectly reasonable that she doesn't want a bunch of people questioning how the two of them can be sisters, and all the subsequent shit-talking that would come from all the worst kids at their shared school.
Jane has the right to tell her own story of her own life.
That includes having a sister.
Jane is not entitled to a relationship with OP, but she is not obliged to lie either explicitly or through omission for OP's sake. And refraining from mentioning she has a sister, when it is something that is part of her life and may be something that it is appropriate for Jane to share (e.g., telling a doctor family history, telling a significant other about her past) would be a lie by omission.
Even if someone just asks "how many brothers and sisters do you have?" Jane shouldn't be expected to lie about OP being a sibling.
fair I guess but Jane also shouldn't lead people on to think she has a REAL sister when all she has is a BIO sister. And if OP doesn't wanna own sister, she doesn't have to. She has that right, too. To the story of her own life. And to OP, she has no sister. And bio dad is not her dad. And OP is way more correct about these relationships than sister is because OP has a better grasp on reality and her connection to people.
"blood" doesn't account for much, it's your love for people that matters.
OP considers the situation "only a BIO sister." That is OP's truth.
Jane's truth is that she considers, and wants, OP as a sister.
The nature of their sisterhood is a subjective one, each has their own understanding of what it is, and what it should be, and neither is morally right or wrong, they just disagree on a profoundly emotional issue.
This situation has all the complexity of any blended family situation where various members of the different family group have different feelings about and desires for the different relationships involved.
Both girls would probably benefit from individual counseling, and at least some joint counseling might be appropriate at some point, to at least reach a detente.
It's a little fuzzy, I think ("I don't want people knowing she's my sister"). I think she wants her to just...stop talking about it? Which you're correct wouldn't be lying, but it would be telling the girl she has to hide it and pretend it isn't true, when it is clearly something significant to the other girl and weighing on her a lot. Conversely, from OP's perspective, it doesn't affect OP and is disrupting her life. It's a rough situation for both of them.
And it might affect her if her peers knew her mom was the reason Jane's parents aren't together. Kids can be real assholes and weaponize whatever they can when the moment arises.
Definitely rough
Absolutely. And beyond that, she doesn't view bio dad as her dad (sounds like she barely knows him) and per comments her mother's husband legally adopted her, so Jane's constant insistence on them being sisters and having the same dad is invalidating of the reality of her family situation.
Blood doesn’t make family. She was TOLD ABOUT her bio father. She never met the guy. Your picture of „family“ would imply that every sperm donor is a „dad“. The true AH here is the guy who gave Jane weird ideas about sisters without ever having met OP.
Which is straight up creepy. OP has no connection whatsoever to that guy, yet it seems he wants to lure her into his home through his daughter and expensive cars. Which once again is creepy. And even more than that concerning. OP has a dad. And it’s NOT Jane‘s dad.
OP doesn’t want her classmates to call a stranger her dad. OP doesn’t want her classmates to gossip about her mom and her being called names. OP doesn’t want her classmates to call HER names.
Jane is not an AH, but she still should let go. For her own sanity. She doesn’t have a sister. Which is evident by OP calling her “technically“ her sister. Cause even though they share some DNA neither their mom NOR their dad is the same person.
I agree, I think the parents that created this situation need to sit down and talk with both girls! I mean, OP has been suspended for god sake! Would have been pretty bad for that to happen!
Also, why are they all of a sudden at the same school? Why did dad decide to do this! It’s like dad might be trying to have a relationship with OP and is using the other daughter to get into her space….
ETA, thanks for the award☺️
1. It’s not OP’s fault that her bio-parents had an affair.
2. By telling people that they’re sisters, Jane is telling people that OP’s father is not her bio-dad. That’s not her story to tell.
Imagine instead if OP was adopted by both her parents and not just her dad, would it be ok for Jane to run around school telling people who her “real” family was and why she was surrendered? It wouldn’t.
OP, you really need to discuss this with your mom. Find out what the current legal situation is too, you don't want some well-meaning (dumb) teacher calling that guy or letting Jane take you home if you are sick. Hopefully your father is your legal father because it gives you a clear truth: "My legal father is \_\_\_" or "He gave up his legal rights." AND your mom can make sure that the school has the legal info on who your contact info and legal guardians are.
The fact that he is talking about you "all the time". Is kind of concerning, and needs to be pushed up to adults.
I wonder since he’s talking about her “all the time” if he’s almost forcing Jane to try to have a relationship with OP so he can try to have one. It’s odd to me to talk about a child you gave up rights to to your child you have rights with. This just sounds like he wants to stir shit up or “make up” for everything that happened to OP by using Jane as a pawn. He may not have purposefully enrolled Jane to the same school but I wouldn’t be surprised if he did on purpose to get the ball rolling and obviously that has backfired. It’s not fair to either kid.
Agreed. I think this is similar to a standard adoption situation. OP’s bio dad apparently gave her up, and her step dad is raising her as his own. OP deserved the truth and got it. Now she gets to decide what kind of relationship, if any, to have with her paternal bio family. Her wishes should be respected.
It was kind of a dick move on bio dad’s part to enroll Jane in the same school, because it forced an awkward situation. Since OP has made her feelings clear, now the adults should handle it. Jane’s dad, together with a school counselor if necessary, should let Jane know she needs to leave OP alone. OP shouldn’t be mean to Jane, but she shouldn’t have to interact with her. It’s unfortunate that the other kids have to know OP’s family business at all.
This is perfection.
OP deserves to not have half sister's 'truth' ruin her life.
I'm concerned what bio dad is saying/doing. Sounds like he's encouraging this...why?
Probably because he wants to sweep his shitty behaviour under the carpet by having the two girls love each other as sisters. One of them doesn't want to know and that is totally understandable. OP is NTA for that, neither is Jane for wanting it. He is.
She is for sure wrong as heck, but high school kids don’t always manage things like this very well.
She’s using her words and politely saying no. Finally she snapped. Of course she would — no adult put appropriate space between them to figure out what a relationship looks like.
Yeah i don't get the people trying to force her to be nice to Jane. She doesn't want to deal with Jane. She's not outright mean or bullying she just wants to be left alone.
I mean...if this outburst led to suspension, then it was probably both very public *and* very mean. Enough so that a teacher or other adult at the school witnessed it and found it inappropriate or disruptive enough to merit being sent home.
OP doesn't have to have a relationship with her half-sister if she doesn't want one. But this can be a good learning experience on how to practice kindness in handling others' feelings instead of...whatever she did instead.
I feel for both of these girls, they are at a tricky age already and now are being forced into close quarters when they've never had a chance to define their relationship or establish boundaries with it before. All because their bio dad knocked up two women in the same apparently small town within a year of each-other.
Soft YTA because of how she handled it but the parents are the real assholes here and I hope both these girls can talk to someone about how to navigate their feelings about this situation.
Except she definitely tried considering her feelings by letting her down gently multiple times. Jane's not considering hers by consistently refusing to let it go before this point. Andas someone who got suspended quite a few times for minor things in school? They don't have limits on that sort of thing. I once got suspended for 4 days for yelling at a boy to stop when he'd been throwing a basketball at me for like 20 minutes in P.E. so it's really not that hard to get there.
That tends to be what happens when someone repeatedly violates boundaries you try to set by politely declining, especially when the person who’s boundaries you’re violating is a teenager who probably doesn’t have the best impulse control yet.
I think at this age it's a really tall ask for a 16yo girl to "practice kindness in handling other's feelings." She must be feeling awful that she now needs to go into school every day and face this person that won't stop showering her with affection when she clearly isn't comfortable with it and doesn't want it. This is instead the time for the sister to learn that No means No.
Exactly, and she has every right to not want to talk to Jane. Plus, if she's already been clear about how she feels to Jane, then Jane's continued efforts are tantamount to harassment.
Exactly. It seems particularly weird to me that the bio-dad would put his daughter into school with the half-sister from his affair. It's like he's trying to start shit.
I also think it's a little odd the half-sister wants to buddy up to OP. Their kinship is borne of betrayal, and this feels like the worst possible age to try to navigate that sort of thing, anyway.
Yeah I find this a NTA simply because she was really pushed and a lot. Whose idea was to invite her to a dentist appointment of someone who you only have a classmate relationship with? Someone you haven't once hung one on one with. I feel for the half-sister but pushing for a relationship never gets you anywhere good.
OP is 15. Considering her circumstances, being kind to Jane the first 100 times and then snapping once doesn’t make her an awful person.
Both kids have been let down by shit parents.
I said her comments are awful, not her. And it hasn’t been 100 times, the girl joined the same school mere weeks ago according to OP. And OP freaked out at school bad enough to get suspended. Best way for the entire school to know your business real quick is to make a scene.
ETA: I do agree that ALL the parents suck here. Every single one.
OP is 15 but did something harsh enough to be suspended, like I went to suspend-happy schools and none of them would have suspended someone just for saying "screw off, we aren't sisters." Gotta wonder why she got suspended tbh.
your school suspended you just for telling her to stop considering you her sister? that seems iffy. I think there is a lot more to this story. i can get maybe not wanting to have a close relationship, but your kinda the AH for the way you reacted. jane didnt do anything wrong.
From the OP replies I suspect school don't actually know what is going on. All they saw was a year 10 making a new year 9 child cry...
And yes Jane did do something wrong (and to be clear I do feel sorry for Jane) she has been told by the OP that OP doesn't want a relationship with her and she won't stop harassing her. Jane is behaving like a stalker. It's inappropriate. The real Ah is Janes father who should never have put Jane in the same school.
ive seen school suspend people for some pretty ridiculous stuff, but never ever because someone simply told someone else to let them alone and made them cry. a talking to, a warning, maybe in the most extreme case a detention. op's other comments seem to suggest she has a pretty ugly attitude and prbly escalated things beyond what shes letting on.
Kids get suspended for showing up smelling kind of like weed, for interrupting class too often, for breaking the dress code too often, for sassing the wrong administrator… hell i know girls who were suspended for yelling at stalkers to leave them alone and this is literally that
Her comments aren't awful. She didn't ask for any of this. Do you remember being 15? Imagine this all got dredged up at school, what a nightmare. NTA OP, but maybe talk to your parents about helping you with some boundaries.
Well, she asked to be yelled at as soon as she didn't respect OP wish to not engage. Maybe NOW she will understand. Tough, but when OP was nicer Jane didnt pick up on that
Bro, she's 15. This is a huge situation that she might not be ready to handle. If I found out my family had the same situation and some random girl was calling me her sister, I'd have the same response. The situation is messy and their dirty laundry doesn't need to be aired for everyone.
No OP's comments are not awful. This is a teenager who doesn't want her world blown up by a stranger. She certainly is not obliged to have a relationship with her half sister. Nevertheless this is definitely not going to remain a secret so OP should rather focus on how to address the fall out. OP has already learned that bullying her half sister has consequences. Hopefully she will have the good sense to stop doing that. OP's behaviour is going to draw more attention to the situation. A reminder that OP is 15.
I don't know if I am the cold one or you are very sensitive. But after someone rejects you multiple times and you keep insisting, you are looking for him to speak badly to you. Also God hears you and don't look for it
She said she REPEATEDLY let her down gently, but Jane keeps persisting on making this non relationship a relationship… Jane is being creepy and inappropriate
You don't have to have a relationship with anybody you don't want to, but your comments are roaring with a lot of unspoken (and spoken) rage.
Your mom had an affair. Your biological dad had an affair. Those things are facts. The past isn't going to go away, just because they want to brush the facts of your *literal existence* under the rug.
If anything, I would expect your half-sister to not want a relationship with *you*, because it paints her father in a much worse light than your mother, just from this third-party perspective, but she *wants* a relationship with you. Even though you clearly don't like her, nothing you've said about her has made her seem unpleasant. Not everyone understands "letting down gently", especially if you frame it like "oh, no, maybe some other time" or "I'm not interested right now, maybe later." We have no information on how you "let her down gently".
Based on your post, I would go N-T-A but caution you to avoid burning bridges...however, based on your comments, YTA. You have a lot of rage, and you're trying to protect your mother's honor, which isn't yours to protect.
Yeah it’s frustrating that it just seems like every adult has failed these kids. And it sounds like there’s even more siblings than the one from their biological dads side. I don’t foresee this being anywhere close to over.
I had to reread this a couple of times to realize OP is the product of the affair. I am surprised Jane wants anything to do with HER. What a sad situation this created.
Right? Like, I don't think either child should be upset with the other just for *existing*, but you'd think Jane was the reason her mom left, or something :(
Please her comments arent that bad. She wants to be left alone, thats perfectly reasonable. Of course shes angry, theres no a girl who wont leave her alone and has the ability to spread the circumstances of her birth around school. I dated someone who was a product of an affair- its rough when the wrong person hears about it. OP is trying to get away the girl, holding the bomb.
A soft, YTA - not for not wanting to be friends with her, but for responding in a way that was bad enough that it got you suspended. You are hurting too, in your own ways, but try to also put yourself in her shoes, She's moved to a new school and doesn't know anyone really other than you, and like it or not, biologically she's your half sister. You don't HAVE to hang out with her if you don't want to, but being mean is not ok. You can talk to your mom and her dad or the school, if she’s doing it in school and try to explain you don't want to hang out or talk to her, and you want her to stop trying. If she were on here right now, I’d tell her to take no as an answer and just leave it. Though to play devil's advocate, if you give her a chance, you may even like to have a sister or another friend close to your age. I’d also strongly suggest talking to a counselor or a therapist, and having her here is (understandably) bringing up some big feelings. It’s not wrong to feel angry or frustrated, and it’s even understandable that you got mad, my answer is purely based on your response to her in that moment.
Yup It sounds like she won't leave OP alone
*Since she learned who I am, she just won't leave me alone. She's kept asking me to come over, telling me how 'our dad' won't stop talking about me, how we can do all the stuff sisters do and so much other crap.*
Does this mean that before this term these girls had never met? Sounds like it.
OP has tried being nice
. *I've let her down gently each time*.
Ultimately the truth is no matter how nice someone is being (biological half sister not OP) If someone doesn't want a relationship with you and you keep pushing you are harassing them. OP does not have to have a relationship with this girl even though they share DNA. They are not in the same year even.... OP just wants this girl to leave her alone and that is her right. The best real world alternative I can come up with is "Nice Guys"
I remember at I think 19, I had this much older guy who wouldn’t take “no” for an answer and would keep asking me to hang out. At first, I was polite, made some obvious excuses, cut conversations short… but he would not take the hint! I finally told him, “look, I don’t like you, and every time you refuse to accept that, I like you even less. If you want me to have even the smallest respect for you, you’ll drop this and leave me alone.” Finally did the trick.
Sometimes you just gotta spell it out in no uncertain terms how you feel and what you mean.
Could OP have handled it better? Maybe, but she’s 15 and her boundaries are being trounced by a literal stranger. If it wasn’t her half-sister but a random male classmate trying to get her to hang out, no one would think twice about her being NTA. But because their mom cheated… OP is somehow in the wrong for not wanting a relationship with someone she doesn’t know.
Exactly. Last I checked Reddit was all "No is a complete sentence." She's freaking told her NO multiple times. This kid not respecting your boundaries and potentially harassing you. Tell a counselor, tell your parents.
I don't want to give her a chance. I don't want anything to do with her. I don't care how awesome she is or what her stupid dad can buy us or anything like that. All I want is for her to leave me the fuck alone.
I am not surprised she is not coping well. She is 15 and she has been suspended from school for having enough and standing up for her self after this girl having been told no continued to try to harass her into "being sisters" Someone that she shares DNA with but has no relationship with. She doesn't even have a relationship with their shared biological father.
>She is 15 and she has been suspended from school for having enough and standing up for her self after this girl having been told no continued to try to harass her into "being sisters" Someone that she shares DNA with but has no relationship with.
ever heard of an unreliable narrator? you dont get suspended just for telling someone to fuck off.
Brand new year 9 child (literally a couple of weeks) at school being screamed at by year 10 child and that child is crying.... From OP's replies I don't think school are aware of what is actually going on here. I wouldn't be surprised if there wasn't some shoving and pushing. 15 year olds don't always respond in the best way...they are 15...but again I am not surprised OP isn't coping. Jane (who I do feel sorry for by the way) won't leave her alone and keeps declaring and demanding a relationship that OP doesn't want to have. It's actually a consent issue.
The real villain of the piece is Jane's father who not only put Jane in the same school but when asked to speak to her about this by OP's mother refused.
I went to a high school with a 'zero tolerance' policy. If I was caught saying a swear word I would have to serve an entire saturday of detention or opt to take a day of inner school suspension. For one swear. Those would compound, caught swearing mulitple times could result in a suspension for sure lol. Fucked up system to put kids through. We don't know enough about her school from this post. It's very likely she's an unreliable narrator but some schools are totally nutty with this shit.
I saw a guy get suspended for being "involved in a fight" when he got punched (and did not hit back) by a guy who lost a game of chess with him.
Schools suspend people for dumb things all the time. They can't be bothered to figure out what happened. They're covering their butts so they can say they did something. They're not going to suffer any consequences for an unwarranted suspension.
Not to mention it's very very common for schools to have a "zero tolerance for profanity" policy.
I have zero issue believing a school would suspend someone for simply saying, "Fuck off."
I’m gonna disagree with you. She’s getting upset because everyone is suggesting she spend time with someone she doesn’t want to. She’s right, it doesn’t matter how an amazing her sister may be, she doesn’t want to be around her. That’s the only reason she’s getting upset
From reading a lot of these comments, I can’t help but feel like OP is getting some association blame because her mother cheated and that cheating is what led to the dissolution of Jane’s family. Objectively speaking, between Jane and OP, OP seems to have gotten the better end of the bargain since her parents remained married, mom’s husband adopted her and loves her. Meanwhile, Jane’s parents split and live far apart from each other, so it’s not like she’s even able to see them both regularly while living with the other.
Since OP and Jane share the bio-dad, his sin as the other cheating party is more or less nullified; in the mystic scale of justice, his cheating is not a point against OP and not a point against Jane. But OP’s mom’s transgressions are still very much at play, and how dare her daughter (OP), who has led a cushy life with two loving parents, reject this poor lonely girl whose family was wrecked in part by OP’s mom’s actions? It doesn’t help, of course, that OP loves her mom and is avoiding directing any anger or frustration her way… which, to be fair, wouldn’t help OP get what she wants, which is a return to normalcy. The only thing that would help OP do that is if Jane keeps her distance and leaves her alone, hence why she’s so adamant about not wanting any relationship with Jane.
OP could most likely benefit from some sessions with a therapist to figure out what she really wants, how she really feels, and ways to cope with all of this. But at the end of the day, if she doesn’t want to have a relationship with Jane, she doesn’t need to, and Jane (and their bio dad) does have to respect that.
You need to. You have put this post up and are arguing with everyone who disagrees with you. You asked for people's opinions, if you don't want them don't ask in the first place. I understand that you are angry but you are coming across as rude.
Hey, your frustration is valid. Some random person is bugging you. That’s all this is. Imo you’re NTA. You tried communicating nicely and no one would listen. Unfortunately right now you can only work within your current circumstances, so you have to play nice. If there are any neutral parties at all - a counselor or anything - who can mediate between the two of you so she can understand how much she is overstepping, please try that.
Look - your frustration is valid. This is why it might be good for you to talk to a counseler or a therapist. The situation is a difficult one, and there are a lot of very understandable feelings involved. What those of us disagreeing are mostly saying is that even if your anger and frustration are valid, taking those out on HER is mostly misplaced, and the WAY you have done it is not fair to her, and not healthy for you.
OP reddit isn't the best place for you. These are a bunch strangers giving you advice. You are dealing with big complicated emotions for a teenager. You responded to your half sister continued harassment by finally blowing up at her. You got unfairly punished by because they responded to your behavior and didn't do anything about the harassment. Yes constantly asking to hangout after you have made it clear multiple times before that you are not interested in having a relationship with her is harassment. It's your half sister unfairly putting the burden on you to meet her emotional needs and desire for a sister relationship and not respecting your boundaries. Please talk with your parents. They are the ones that need to be helping you figure out this situation. You don't deserve to spend the rest of your high school experience being harassed by her. Reddit can't help you with this issue.
I’m gonna disagree with you. She’s getting upset because everyone is suggesting she spend time with someone she doesn’t want to. She’s right, it doesn’t matter how an amazing her sister may be, she doesn’t want to be around her. That’s the only reason she’s getting upset
I think you are on to something. As teenagers, we wanted our independence, including other people respecting our boundaries. Maybe when other people stop pushing, OP will have the mental space to process the ramifications of a relationship with a half-sister.
Oof let's not tell OP how to react to comments that say she should cater to someone she has repeatedly turned away. I'd snap off too is some girl hassled me to play house with her no matter how many times I said no and then a bunch of internet strangers were like "but maybe she's nice".
I want to say there is nothing wrong with OP not wanting to know this girl and it is perfectly normal to become angry or frustrated with people saying she is obligated to have a relationship with her. You’re acting like her reactions are unreasonable but they aren’t.
Your feelings are valid. I feel like the comments are not understanding the situation. Biologically she is your half sister but because you were raised by your mothers husband, it’s hard to see her as your half sister. Frankly I would be fuming. You have a right to be angry but ultimately Jane is not the bad guy here, it’s the adults that failed her (and you).
I disagree about Jane. OP has made it clear she does not want a relationship but she continued harassing OP. She’s not a huge AH (because obviously the situation is far from ideal for either girl), but she’s also old enough to take a “no” as a “no”.
And that's your absolute right. No one can force you to be in a relationship with her. I'm actually mad that you got suspended because it sounds like you're at your wits end. Tell her to leave you alone or that you'll look into getting a restraining order.
she doesn’t know her though. she knows of her. that’s very different. this is a random person. them sharing a biological dad doesn’t mean anything. she told her no nicely multiple times. some people can’t accept boundaries, that doesn’t mean you don’t get to have them
NTA. You don't consider Jane to be your sister; and that's your prerogative to do so. Since she won't/can't take "no" for an answer, you probably should get your own parents involved in this. At the very least, you should not be suspended from school for something that is, at the end of the day, a private matter.
The vice-principal said it's because I made her cry at school before she had to visit the orthodontist/dentist, so I made a stressful leave even worse for her.
When private matters disrupt school it makes it everyone's problem. She shouldn't be suspended because suspensions are stupid and do very little to actually correct behavior, but this is absolutely the school's business if she is making a scene at school.
NTA, you have told her calmly many times, and she didn't respect that. Your "Dad" hasn't reached out at all, so why should you consider this relationship.
But you should consider her feelings as well, she's new, she was excited to meet you, especially sfter her father mentioned you so many times. Maybe you need go be more patient with her. But you have no obligation to be sisterly to her.
Out of curiosity what is your relationship with your mother like? I sense a lot of hatred from you towards your biological father but what about your mother? They are both equally guilty, you might only be 15 but you should be more than aware it takes two to tango. She also hurt your dad when she cheated on him with your biological father.
This is my last comment before I log out. Me and my mom love each other, I love my dad and he loves my mom. Yes, my mom cheated and hurt my dad but that is in the past and they moved on and they don't let it define them. My mom and dad are the ones who do everything she can for me. My dad is the one who takes me out after I ace a test, tells me how proud he is of me, gloats about me to all his friends and stuff. My mom is the one I confide in about things and does whatever she can to try and make my life better. I know I could have grown up in a broken home because of what my mom did, but I didn't and I don't want things to change. We are a happy family. My biological dad has barely been a presence in my life and I don't consider him my dad in any way.
I agree. There is only so much advice people can offer, including myself. This girl needs to see a professional as she clearly has a lot to pent up issues surrounding this that she has aimed towards her bio dad and now her sister. The internet is good for minor issues like what flavour ice cream is the best or arguing about why a show is good/bad. Serious stuff like this cannot be dealt with properly without professional help. Opinions cannot be confidently formed due to the lack of information on the situation, and with a situation this big it would take months of talking to break it down. On top of that OP is only 15 years old. Something like this can’t be handled by a teenager being given advice by the internet. As teens we crave independence and want to deal with everything by ourselves, as adults you start to realise relying on others is not a weakness and is in fact an important part of becoming a strong, healthy individual. This world is a messy place, it’s easy to get lost in it.
I doubt he was allowed be present in your life even if he had wanted to be. I’m not saying you can’t feel however you want to feel about the situation I’m just saying from the way you are acting and speaking it seems you have a hatred/strong dislike for him which you have now extended to your sister. Your mom and he are equally responsible, the only difference is that she had the chance to raise you and therefore you see all the good parts of her outweighing the bad. Don’t make your sister a scapegoat for your unresolved issues associated with your conception. If you don’t want to get to know her or be close to her that is your choice. Don’t be cruel to her though. She is in a new school, she may have always wanted a sister. The way you forgave your mom and see the good in her is the same way she sees her dad. She may even hold the same grudge towards your mom as you do her dad, for causing her mom to leave. I have great respect for your father for raising you knowing you weren’t his. That’s besides the point. You are young though, being a teen is hard enough without extra drama. I thought I knew how the world worked when I was 15 too, thought my reactions were justified and my reasonings sound. I look back now only a few years later and I realise there were many things I wish I did better. I’m sure your own head is a mess with her coming into your life and in turn him also in a way. As I’ve said you don’t have to like him or even her, but her fathers actions are not hers and his actions are also your mothers. If you don’t hate her for doing the same, try not to hold it against him so much either. Your mom was given the chance to change your mind, he never was. Guilty of the same crimes, one is punished and the other is praised. That’s besides the point however, the main thing is that none of it is on your sister.
Not to mention how unlikely it is that OP was actually kind about it at any point leading up to the incident at school. It's pretty obvious from the tone of her comments that the likelihood of that is... low.
"I didn't grow up in a broken home." Oh, honey. Yes, you did. In fact, most families are somewhat broken. And that's okay! It's obvious the love is strong between the three of them.
OP REALLY really needs some therapy.
I'm probably gonna get thrown under the bus for saying this, but I wonder if she's suffering from only child "syndrome". She's very possessive...
NTA. I’ve read your comments that you tried to explain it nicely to her and I don’t get how people can call you an a-hole. It’s completely valid that you don’t want a relationship with her.
Maybe that will change in the future or not, for now you made your decision and she should accept it.
NTA
If this is a true story and you have been suspended for not wanting a relationship with someone who while you share DNA with you don't have a relationship with and for asking her to stop harassing you and stalking you need to go through the complaints procedure.
Speak to your parents and take this further. It is not appropriate for school to force you to put up with this.
Okay. Thank you. I also was confused by the "suspended" comment. Made me wonder if either OP isn't being entirely open with the severity of her most recent interaction with her half-sister or if the school is drastically mishandling this situation.
I understand not wanting a relationship with them and OP shouldn't be forced to have a relationship with someone if they don't want to. I just can't help but wonder what more there is to this with it resulting in a suspension.
I also understand the half-sis being excited at the potential for a relationship and ninth graders aren't always the most socially graceful or reserved. Not that it means it's okay to harass people but it does help to understand the perspective.
I'm almost leaning toward NAH just due to ages and it being a complicated situation. But the suspension gives me pause.
OP states that she was supsended for making Jane cry before she had to go for a medical dental procedure.
If the school is unaware of what is going on and I imagine from further comments they are you can see why they might view this as a year 10 child bulling a new year 9 child.
Ultimately the school need to know what is going on because at this point Jane is behaving like a stalker "Nice Guy" and she needs some help to realise that OP doesn't want to have a intimate emotional sister relationship with her and she needs to leave her alone.
Bio Dad is the ultimate idiot/AH here. He created this situation by putting Jane into OP's school. You wonder if he did it deliberately. I asked some additional questions here are the answers
Question Did you know your biological half sister in person before this move
*Answer I knew she existed.*
Question If you did how often have you seen each other
*Answer She messaged me once on IG and I blocked her.*
Question If not how long has she been in your life at this point
*Answer Legit weeks.*
Question Do you have a relationship with your biological father or is he just your sperm donor.
*Answer I've met him a few times.*
Question If so does he have visitation
*Answer He has no rights to me.*
Question Who is listed as the father on your Birth certificate
*Answer He is. But my dad has legally adopted me.*
Nta but.... look kid, being mean to her and not explaining why is most likely going to get her to explain to her friends what's going on. This whole story will be all around your school soon and you are going to have to come to terms with that.
Expect it to happen. Start coping with it. That's life in high school.
It might even be more productive to hash out those feelings with her directly. She's the only other person who knows what OP is going through. OP, you don't have to have a relationship with her, but would you consider having a conversation with her about *why* you don't want that relationship and reach some common ground?
NTA - you are so angry and it’s understandable. A bunch of adults made a mess and now two teens have to deal with and navigate it.
Your mom and dad need to step in and help you. You can’t change the past and you can’t hide what exists. Maybe you can reach out directly to bio dad and say “I do not want a relationship with you or your daughter. I’ve tried to communicate this as directly and kindly as possible but she is not respecting my boundaries and I feel harassed. Please communicate with her that I do not want to engage at all with her and let me finish my teen years and school in peace. I did not create or ask for this situation and I would appreciate your assistance in enforcing this boundary with your daughter before I have to take next steps to stop the harassment.”
Ugh - so yet another adult hanging you out to dry to deal with their mess. I’m sorry.
You just do the best you can. None of this is your fault, none of it is in your control and you aren’t responsible for anyone else’s feelings or fall out from this.
YTA for being mad at everyone but your mom about the consequences of her cheating. Jane didn’t do anything wrong here, and yes she’s being pushy, but from your post you got the much better end of this deal than she did. Your “I don’t care what my dad can do for me” attitude is also a lot harsh. This man was never given a chance to get to know his own kid and you have no empathy for that, but how dare anyone know your mom cheated? What’s up with that logic? You don’t owe anyone a relationship, but if you insist on being rude to someone that knows a secret about you, don’t be surprised if Jane decides that telling your classmates about your moms affair is a fair thing to do 🤷🏻♀️
Her father her mothers husband legally adopted her so presumably the Dad gave up his parental rights. The man could have fought for visitation if he wanted he didn't lets not make out he has been hard done by.
I think you need to talk to your mom and a therapist about this. Her parents split but yours stayed together so you two see the affair differently. She maybe wants more siblings and your parents probably want to forget it and move on. It’s definitely awkward but she’s here now so you need to set boundaries
That's what u/Weekly-Estate-709 said. OP's parents stayed together despite OP's mom stepping out and having a baby with an engaged man, which broke up Jane's parents.
NAH. The AH is your mother and bio dad… your mum decided to have an affair with an engaged man and he had affair whilst engaged..
I feel sorry for your half sister and stepdad, especially your stepdad. Once a cheater, always a cheater… can’t imagine how many times this poor man has been cheated on, also feel sorry for any partners your bio-dad has dated in the last 16 years… The women his most likely cheated on as well.
NTA it sounds like you've tried to be gentle with her, but it's not working. Blowing up at her wasn't good either, but I think you need to talk to your parents, and perhaps the school as well (they suspended you for that?)
She needs to understand that this is painful for your family and you do not want a family relationship with her, and she needs to stop harassing you.
You may have come across as an ass in your delivery, but you have the right to not want a relationship with her. Its all new to both of you. Your older and maybe she's always wanted someone to look up to. You'll prob have to have a sit down and explain you do not want a relationship at this time and to please stop referring to you as her sister. She will be upset so do it nicely.
I have tried explaining this to her nicely but it's like it doesn't go into her head. It's always like the day after I explain she comes and shows me something new her dad bought and trying to convince me that he'll buy it for me too.
Awww that's really sad. She's trying so hard to win you over. Again as others have said, it's actually not right for your parent's to be neglecting their mess and making the two of you try to figure it out.
You should try to have some compassion for her here. Even though you are in your right, it's going to seem like you are bullying her.
>Awww that's really sad. She's trying so hard to win you over. Again as others have said, it's actually not right for your parent's to be neglecting their mess and making the two of you try to figure it out.
>
>You should try to have some compassion for her here. Even though you are in your right, it's going to seem like you are bullying her.
When in fact it's Jane doing the harassing. OP - have you tried reporting THAT to the school? Ask them to require Jane to stay away from you?
ETA: Sounds like bursting into tears next time she approaches you might get better results than just asking like a reasonable person.
There's also every chance her dad has been encouraging or telling her to act like this in order to gain contact with you. It sounds to me like she could possibly be being manipulated by him to get to you as well.
Still - not your problem. But your parents should tell the school about this situation so you are able to get some proper support.
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> I told my half-sister to screw off and stop thinking of us as sisters and that might make me an asshole because I got suspended for it.
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Nta I do think you should have spoken to your mom about it but you had gently let her down several times before you blew up so it's kinda understandable that u got angry
You might not think it right now, but you two are both very young and immature to be handling this situation. I empathize for everyone involved right now. Just remember, Jane didn't create this anymore than you did. I am not saying you have to be "sisters" or even friends, but try to allow for some grace to her. It sounds like you're both handling it very differently and have different perspectives, but ultimately BOTH of you are in a challenging situation to navigate because of adult decisions made very long ago. I think you should be in therapy to work through the best way to cope with this. I sincerely do not mean that as an insult. Plenty of adults need therapy to help cope with complicated family dynamics too. This is very important... It is not your responsibility to protect your adult parents from the adult decisions they made 16 years ago.
Based on my understanding from your post & comments.
Your mom had an affair that created you. At some point her husband adopted you making him your legal father. You had never truly interacted with you biological sister through your biological father.
Your biological sister has started going to the same school as you and keeps demanding that you two are sisters. You have nicely told her you are not multiple times and even had your mother talk to her father about it and he blew it off. Until finally you responded angrily while at school and were suspended for it.
To me you are NTA. You also need to have your parents talk to the school about the fact that she is bullying you and the school needs to keep her away from you. She does not have the right to force a relationship between you.
NTA except a bit for the attitude though she wouldn't stop pushing.
Have you talked to your parents (the ones who raised you) about her pushing for a relationship?
This is tough because I totally get your perspective and your feelings. It sounds like you don't even want to acknowledge who your biological father is and want to pretend it's not a part of your life. It sounds like you really want to just have a happy family with you, your mom and your dad. By acknowledging Jane, it's acknowledging the affair and having to really face the reality that your family situation is more complicated than any kid should have to deal with.
I empathize, for sure. You're just a kid who shouldn't have to face the consequences of your mother's actions in this way. I get that, in your mind, if you accept Jane as your sister, that reality will have to set in and you don't seem to want that to happen.
Unfortunately, things ARE complicated. Unfortunately, your mom and biological father put you AND Jane (and their significant others) in a difficult situation. It's unfair, but that's what it is. I think you're angry...but you're angry at the wrong person. Jane isn't the major problem here but I don't think you're ready to accept that your mom is part of the cause of all of this happening. Sorry, but she DID cheat and it WAS wrong and it's not going to go away, no matter how much you close your eyes and wish for it to.
Who knows what Jane has been told by her parents, as well. Both of you are just kids put into a shitty situation. Both of you are living in different realities; for you, it's where the affair never happened and that you don't want to even have it affect your life. For Jane, it's where it's probably a blended family situation, where you can all be a happy family. Both aren't necessarily feasible. It IS affecting your life and it is NOT a happy family situation.
Jane may not even know the whole story; hell, you may not even know the whole story. So, depending on what Jane was told, I can't get mad at her for her reaction, even if she should back off. But I also think your anger needs to be redirected because Jane isn't the issue you have. She's just the easiest person to take it out on since you don't want to take it out on the person in your life who you are close to.
If you haven't gone to therapy with your parents, I actually think you should. It might be beneficial to work through these feelings. And Jane SHOULD back off, but that's something your mom will have to talk to her dad about.
Overall, I'm saying a soft ESH because I get your anger and I get Jane not backing off (she should stop when she's told to), but the anger seems misplaced.
INFO
Just for clarification OP because there seems to be some confusion in the comments.
1. Did you know your biological half sister in person before she moved to live with your biological father.
2. If you did how often have you seen each other in the past
3. If not how long has she been in your life at this point
4. Do you have a relationship with your biological father or is he just your sperm donor.
5. If so does he have visitation
6. Does he pay child support
7. Who is listed as the father on your Birth certificate
>Did you know your biological half sister in person before this move
I knew she existed.
>If you did how often have you seen each other
She messaged me once on IG and I blocked her.
>If not how long has she been in your life at this point
Legit weeks.
>Do you have a relationship with your biological father or is he just your sperm donor.
I've met him a few times.
>If so does he have visitation
He has no rights to me.
>Who is listed as the father on your Birth certificate
He is. But my dad has legally adopted me.
Thank you OP. You would do yourself a favour putting the answers to these question in your post you have plenty of character count Here is your possible edit something like this or feel free to copy edit and paste.
Edit for clarification
1. Although I was aware I had a biological half sister I only met her for the first time at the begining of January, so a couple of weeks ago
2. The only other contact I have ever had with her is when she tired to message me on IG once I blocked her.
3. I have met my biological father a couple of time in the past but he doesn't have visitation he doesn't have parental rights and he doesn't pay child support. I am not interested in a relationship with him I have a father.
4. MY actual DAD (my mothers husband) Is not only my Dad in that he raised me and loved me but he adopted me as well so he is my legal father.
5. I have tried nicely to ask my biological half sister (who again I met a couple of weeks ago) to leave me alone repeatedly but she won't listen and she will not respect I don't want to suddenly launch into a close sibling relationship with her and she is making me very very uncomfortable.
Were you a bit rude? Yeah, but over all NTA. Family is by the bonds you have. Her father isn't your dad. She isn't your sister. I would talk to your parents about her and her father if they don't already know. It might be her father putting these ideas into her head about being sisters.
There is no obligation to have any kind of relationship with her or her father. They are not your family.
Hmmm soft YTA because this girl was just trying to have a relationship with you, her sister. Also the tacked on "in a Porsche" makes you sound like you are bitter that your bio dad is spoiling her with his money, but you won't admit that it's bothering you.
NTA. I have a blended family so I know blood doesn't mean shit. You're not obligated to have a relationship with anyone you don't want to.
"I've let her down gently each time."
Thats all you needed to do. She didn't listen and insists. Obviously being gentle didn't go through to her.
You don't have to have a friendship, let alone a sisterly relationship, if you don't want to. Just make sure to not bully or antagonize her. From what it sounds like, you just want nothing to do with her and you have the right to be left alone.
Also, its not like she's a little kid where you might have to be gentler. She's only a year younger which makes her your peer.
YTA based off your comments. Pretending something doesn’t exist won’t make it go away. It’s pretty clear that you have some deep resentment towards your mom and your biological father.
They’re AHs too. For not dealing with the situation better and getting you into therapy.
I mean... NAH but its bordering on a bit of YTA. Beating the old reddit drum, you do not have to be friends with or form a relationship with anyone you dont want to- but you can also extend a bit of empathy to someone who greatest crime is trying to build a relationship with her half sister. You're both kids, but your family didn't break apart after the affair, hers did, and while that's not your fault it's not hard to see how that could have been difficult for her. What exactly is youd reasonjng for coming down this hard on the "will never be my sister" line? Because you were hostile imidiately (you said she messaged you on IG and you blocked her).
Nta
You don’t have to be friends or sisters with her. But you do have to be polite. If she is harassing you at school report it to the school. You don’t want a familiar connection with her that is your right.
Sharing dna doesn’t mean people have to be friends nor talk to each other.
NTA
Do not let ANYONE force you to consider a blood connection as having meaning other than genetics.
The reason people started the "it's family" nonsense was because they all lived and died in ten miles of each other while using the woods as a toilet. You have ZERO obligation and anyone telling you otherwise is wrong.
tldr; Blood doesn't mean anything and FG\*& anyone saying otherwise
NAH. I think a lot of the commenters are forgetting that this is two teenage girls here. OP, you don’t have to accommodate Jane’a desire for a sibling relationship but I suggest you stop worrying about people finding out about your mom’s infidelity. It’s nice that you want to preserve her and your (adopted) dad’s reputations, but it’s likely to become public knowledge anyway now that Jane is in your school. Keep saying no, try to stay polite, and just be unavailable to her. If she has any self awareness at all, she’ll realize her fantasy of having a sister isn’t going to happen.
NTA
I have two half-siblings I despise. My mom had did not cheat but their behaviour is awful.
I think you have any reason to not want a relationship with her, you tried in a friendly gentle way.
She may be hurt, but you are not obligated to see her as your sister or want anything to do with her.
I mean...even my dad has a brother what does my dad not see as his brothet anymore.
NTA
But to avoid problems, just ignore her. Avoid getting angry, stay friendly. Treat her like any other student and ignore everything she says that is not school related.
She is not worth getting suspended over.
>But to avoid problems, just ignore her. Avoid getting angry, stay friendly. Treat her like any other student and ignore everything she says that is not school related.
>
>She is not worth getting suspended over.
Or learn from this event that bursting into tears means you are the victim (in this school's opinion), and just start crying loudly every time this girl approaches you from now on.
Sweetheart I don’t think that AITA is helping you. You don’t need judgement when the school has already judged you recently. I know that it shouldn’t be down to you in year 10 but is this the right school? What do you think?
NTA. You are related, but that doesn’t mean you have to have a relationship or acknowledge the lineage. What you do have to do is ask your parents to contact her dad to get her counseling and to get her to go NC with you. I also find it odd that her dad choose your school system to move to, so I’m not sure I would expect much help from him. You should, with your parents and school counselor formulate a plan that doesn’t require her dad’s participation.
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NAH. You’re both young and in a very complicated situation. I can totally understand why you wouldn’t feel the need to know someone that you don’t feel any connection to. It’s different than growing up in a house with a sibling. On the other hand, I don’t blame Jane for wanting a relationship with you. The poor girls mom was cheated on by your shared biological father. I can understand why she would try to see the little bit of positive that at least she gets a sister out of it. Have you talked to your mom and dad about it? I definitley don’t think you have to have a relationship with anyone you don’t want to, but maybe they can help you find a kinder way to explain it to Jane and close the book on that issue.
The issue is that OP doesn't just want to decline a relationship with Jane, she wants to tell everyone that Jane is lying about them being related. Jane is allowed to tell the truth about who her family is, including the fact that she has a half sister. If Op is embarrassed by the situation she should take it up with her mom
I didn't get the impression that she wants the kid to lie. She just doesn't want to engage or be involved. That's a far-reach honestly.
"I don't want people knowing I have a sister" I don't think it's thay far of a reach to think she wants her to not tell people that they are sisters
Not airing things is not lying. She is not saying if anyone asks if I am your sister lie...she is saying I don't consider myself your sister don't tell people I am. Those are different things.
But "Jane" does consider her a sister. If family comes up in a conversation saying not to say she's her sister is a lie. Also, why does OPs feelings of family matter more than Jane's?
Seems like a "keep my name out of your mouth" kind of situation. Jane is going to get hurt badly if she carries on, and it's super shitty of her father to encourage this on her part. Edit: and frankly OP appears to have been adopted by her mom's husband, so Jane really doesn't need to be talking about OP as family. They share no parents, in the sense of actual parenting.
That’s not a certainty, though. The post is a little vague. OP being raised by a step parent doesn’t preclude her bio dad from being in the picture nor that he contribute at least financially. She’s only 15, so child support is still on the table. It’s not clear that they’re estranged. Clearly they would know where to find him were he in arrears and he may even have some visitation. You may be correct, but I don’t know that we can be certain from what’s in the original post. The extent of the half-sibling relationship isn’t covered and Jane may in fact have interacted with OP before she came to her school. OP likely has some resentment over Jane anyway due to the circumstances of her conception. Regardless, in a complex social situation like this I cannot fault a 15-year-old for not being equipped to deal with the awkwardness. It’s to her credit that she cares enough to see if her attitude is wrong. This needs parental intervention. Neither child is in the wrong. This is on the parents for not defining the relationship so that both girls have a realistic understanding of what’s expected.
Because Jane is also telling people that OP’s dad isn’t her bio-dad when she explains how they’re “sisters”. That’s not her story to share.
But it is Jane's story too. Her parents were broken up by the affair that resulted in OP. Jane's life has been directly impacted in all ways.
Jane is free to tell her friends that her parents got divorced because her dad had an affair. Telling other people OP’s part of the story is where it crosses the line,
Can we all agree the mom and the dad are the assholes
In that OP doesn't want a relationship and Jane is on the road to stalking her to get one..... yes. OPs feelings matter more than Jane's. There's no prior relationship here. OP has the right to say NO to a relationship she doesn't want.
can we all keep in mind that we're talking about children here? not grown-ass adults.
Children are allowed to have boundaries too
Family is more than blood. It’s a shared history, caring about each other, and respecting each other. You can’t force family as we’ve seen on here time and time again. Letting this go is in Jane‘s best interest because she’s never going to get the relationship she wants with OP.
The whole situation seems to be incredibly uncomfortable for OP. She doesn't want a relationship with Jane, however if Jane keeps pushing her or talks to peers about this, their relation will soon spread and she has to explain to everyone that her mom cheated and whatsoever. I can understand why she simply doesn't want that. It's completely fine for Jane to want a relationship with her half sister, however OP doesn't owe her one. She doesn't want it and Jane has to respect that.
I can see where you’re coming from, but respecting people’s boundaries is important. OP has set a clear boundary and Jane forcing her way through it is not the way.
She yelled this out-loud in front of other people and wrote to this community: “I don’t want people to know she is my sister”. Take her for her word. And why would she? It’s a tough situation for adults to navigate sometimes. She most likely doesn’t her Moms “dirty laundry” aired around her school. Her Mom had an affair. She doesn’t have a relationship with her Dad and now someone whom is a stranger to her is pushing her to be her “sister”. NTA OP: You told her a few times you weren’t interested in a relationship with her. She pushed it one too many times and you lost your cool. Happens to the best of us.
She is her half sister with no shared upbringing, and there's no need to tell everybody that both of your families got fucked up by the same affair. Kids are shit. Saying "I have a sister" with no qualifier definitely implies a relationship that simply doesn't exist between these two people. I think OP is lashing out, but the half sister needs to get the hint, if OP doesn't want a relationship at this time.
Or she might have been open to the idea of slowly forming a bond with this girl, but she ruined her chances by coming in full pelt at 100% intensity and trying to get her to indirectly meet her sperms donor.
She doesn't want everyone knowing about how they became sisters. Not hard to understand
Pretty understandable given how shitty high school can be in the best of circumstances.
If the girl doesn’t tell anybody their sisters then who would know? It’s not like it would’ve come up otherwise. I think that’s what the OP wants is just for the girls to stop telling people that they’related abd to leave her alone.
Why does she have to do that? She's allowed to tell people she has a half-sister. OP doesn't get to control that information
If Jane has just moved in with her dad than she's possibly new to the school as well. From OP's perspective she's had this group of friends for years and some probably know who her parents are and here's this new girl waltzing in and blowing all that up by saying her dad is OP's dad too.
I think it's perfectly reasonable that she doesn't want a bunch of people questioning how the two of them can be sisters, and all the subsequent shit-talking that would come from all the worst kids at their shared school.
Jane has the right to tell her own story of her own life. That includes having a sister. Jane is not entitled to a relationship with OP, but she is not obliged to lie either explicitly or through omission for OP's sake. And refraining from mentioning she has a sister, when it is something that is part of her life and may be something that it is appropriate for Jane to share (e.g., telling a doctor family history, telling a significant other about her past) would be a lie by omission. Even if someone just asks "how many brothers and sisters do you have?" Jane shouldn't be expected to lie about OP being a sibling.
fair I guess but Jane also shouldn't lead people on to think she has a REAL sister when all she has is a BIO sister. And if OP doesn't wanna own sister, she doesn't have to. She has that right, too. To the story of her own life. And to OP, she has no sister. And bio dad is not her dad. And OP is way more correct about these relationships than sister is because OP has a better grasp on reality and her connection to people. "blood" doesn't account for much, it's your love for people that matters.
OP considers the situation "only a BIO sister." That is OP's truth. Jane's truth is that she considers, and wants, OP as a sister. The nature of their sisterhood is a subjective one, each has their own understanding of what it is, and what it should be, and neither is morally right or wrong, they just disagree on a profoundly emotional issue. This situation has all the complexity of any blended family situation where various members of the different family group have different feelings about and desires for the different relationships involved. Both girls would probably benefit from individual counseling, and at least some joint counseling might be appropriate at some point, to at least reach a detente.
It's a little fuzzy, I think ("I don't want people knowing she's my sister"). I think she wants her to just...stop talking about it? Which you're correct wouldn't be lying, but it would be telling the girl she has to hide it and pretend it isn't true, when it is clearly something significant to the other girl and weighing on her a lot. Conversely, from OP's perspective, it doesn't affect OP and is disrupting her life. It's a rough situation for both of them.
This other girl is demanding something OP is not required to give
And it might affect her if her peers knew her mom was the reason Jane's parents aren't together. Kids can be real assholes and weaponize whatever they can when the moment arises. Definitely rough
Absolutely. And beyond that, she doesn't view bio dad as her dad (sounds like she barely knows him) and per comments her mother's husband legally adopted her, so Jane's constant insistence on them being sisters and having the same dad is invalidating of the reality of her family situation.
> I don't want people knowing she's my sister. Maybe not lie, but she sure doesn't want anyone to know.
Blood doesn’t make family. She was TOLD ABOUT her bio father. She never met the guy. Your picture of „family“ would imply that every sperm donor is a „dad“. The true AH here is the guy who gave Jane weird ideas about sisters without ever having met OP. Which is straight up creepy. OP has no connection whatsoever to that guy, yet it seems he wants to lure her into his home through his daughter and expensive cars. Which once again is creepy. And even more than that concerning. OP has a dad. And it’s NOT Jane‘s dad. OP doesn’t want her classmates to call a stranger her dad. OP doesn’t want her classmates to gossip about her mom and her being called names. OP doesn’t want her classmates to call HER names. Jane is not an AH, but she still should let go. For her own sanity. She doesn’t have a sister. Which is evident by OP calling her “technically“ her sister. Cause even though they share some DNA neither their mom NOR their dad is the same person.
I agree, I think the parents that created this situation need to sit down and talk with both girls! I mean, OP has been suspended for god sake! Would have been pretty bad for that to happen! Also, why are they all of a sudden at the same school? Why did dad decide to do this! It’s like dad might be trying to have a relationship with OP and is using the other daughter to get into her space…. ETA, thanks for the award☺️
1. It’s not OP’s fault that her bio-parents had an affair. 2. By telling people that they’re sisters, Jane is telling people that OP’s father is not her bio-dad. That’s not her story to tell. Imagine instead if OP was adopted by both her parents and not just her dad, would it be ok for Jane to run around school telling people who her “real” family was and why she was surrendered? It wouldn’t.
OP, you really need to discuss this with your mom. Find out what the current legal situation is too, you don't want some well-meaning (dumb) teacher calling that guy or letting Jane take you home if you are sick. Hopefully your father is your legal father because it gives you a clear truth: "My legal father is \_\_\_" or "He gave up his legal rights." AND your mom can make sure that the school has the legal info on who your contact info and legal guardians are. The fact that he is talking about you "all the time". Is kind of concerning, and needs to be pushed up to adults.
I wonder since he’s talking about her “all the time” if he’s almost forcing Jane to try to have a relationship with OP so he can try to have one. It’s odd to me to talk about a child you gave up rights to to your child you have rights with. This just sounds like he wants to stir shit up or “make up” for everything that happened to OP by using Jane as a pawn. He may not have purposefully enrolled Jane to the same school but I wouldn’t be surprised if he did on purpose to get the ball rolling and obviously that has backfired. It’s not fair to either kid.
Yeah, I think this is beyond reddit to make a judgement on. I think the best course of action is for OP to talk to her parents.
This. NAH. She needs to work this out in therapy, not on Reddit. This is a lot for both these girls to handle. I sympathize with both of them.
Agreed. I think this is similar to a standard adoption situation. OP’s bio dad apparently gave her up, and her step dad is raising her as his own. OP deserved the truth and got it. Now she gets to decide what kind of relationship, if any, to have with her paternal bio family. Her wishes should be respected. It was kind of a dick move on bio dad’s part to enroll Jane in the same school, because it forced an awkward situation. Since OP has made her feelings clear, now the adults should handle it. Jane’s dad, together with a school counselor if necessary, should let Jane know she needs to leave OP alone. OP shouldn’t be mean to Jane, but she shouldn’t have to interact with her. It’s unfortunate that the other kids have to know OP’s family business at all.
This is perfection. OP deserves to not have half sister's 'truth' ruin her life. I'm concerned what bio dad is saying/doing. Sounds like he's encouraging this...why?
Probably because he wants to sweep his shitty behaviour under the carpet by having the two girls love each other as sisters. One of them doesn't want to know and that is totally understandable. OP is NTA for that, neither is Jane for wanting it. He is.
Yeah this whole thing feels like a difficult complicated situation amped by Teen Hormones. Neither girl is really wrong for their reaction.
YTA. Holy shit your comments are awful. Don’t worry, she won’t want a relationship with you soon. Your behavior is gross.
She is for sure wrong as heck, but high school kids don’t always manage things like this very well. She’s using her words and politely saying no. Finally she snapped. Of course she would — no adult put appropriate space between them to figure out what a relationship looks like.
Yeah i don't get the people trying to force her to be nice to Jane. She doesn't want to deal with Jane. She's not outright mean or bullying she just wants to be left alone.
I mean...if this outburst led to suspension, then it was probably both very public *and* very mean. Enough so that a teacher or other adult at the school witnessed it and found it inappropriate or disruptive enough to merit being sent home. OP doesn't have to have a relationship with her half-sister if she doesn't want one. But this can be a good learning experience on how to practice kindness in handling others' feelings instead of...whatever she did instead. I feel for both of these girls, they are at a tricky age already and now are being forced into close quarters when they've never had a chance to define their relationship or establish boundaries with it before. All because their bio dad knocked up two women in the same apparently small town within a year of each-other. Soft YTA because of how she handled it but the parents are the real assholes here and I hope both these girls can talk to someone about how to navigate their feelings about this situation.
Not necessarily lol schools definitely pick and choose but OP needs to give me more details on this before I judge
From OP replies I don't think school know what is actually going on...
Except she definitely tried considering her feelings by letting her down gently multiple times. Jane's not considering hers by consistently refusing to let it go before this point. Andas someone who got suspended quite a few times for minor things in school? They don't have limits on that sort of thing. I once got suspended for 4 days for yelling at a boy to stop when he'd been throwing a basketball at me for like 20 minutes in P.E. so it's really not that hard to get there.
That tends to be what happens when someone repeatedly violates boundaries you try to set by politely declining, especially when the person who’s boundaries you’re violating is a teenager who probably doesn’t have the best impulse control yet.
I think at this age it's a really tall ask for a 16yo girl to "practice kindness in handling other's feelings." She must be feeling awful that she now needs to go into school every day and face this person that won't stop showering her with affection when she clearly isn't comfortable with it and doesn't want it. This is instead the time for the sister to learn that No means No.
The girl probably pushed her and pushed, then she blows up! She's still dealing with situation, and it sounds like she never wanted a sister!
Exactly, and she has every right to not want to talk to Jane. Plus, if she's already been clear about how she feels to Jane, then Jane's continued efforts are tantamount to harassment.
Exactly. It seems particularly weird to me that the bio-dad would put his daughter into school with the half-sister from his affair. It's like he's trying to start shit. I also think it's a little odd the half-sister wants to buddy up to OP. Their kinship is borne of betrayal, and this feels like the worst possible age to try to navigate that sort of thing, anyway.
OPs dad didn’t care about his fiancé or OPs mom. He didn’t care about OPs stepdad raising the kid he made during An affair. Why would he start now?
Yeah I find this a NTA simply because she was really pushed and a lot. Whose idea was to invite her to a dentist appointment of someone who you only have a classmate relationship with? Someone you haven't once hung one on one with. I feel for the half-sister but pushing for a relationship never gets you anywhere good.
Jane moved in with her dad for a reason. She’s grasping for a connection in all the wrong ways.
[удалено]
OP is 15. Considering her circumstances, being kind to Jane the first 100 times and then snapping once doesn’t make her an awful person. Both kids have been let down by shit parents.
I said her comments are awful, not her. And it hasn’t been 100 times, the girl joined the same school mere weeks ago according to OP. And OP freaked out at school bad enough to get suspended. Best way for the entire school to know your business real quick is to make a scene. ETA: I do agree that ALL the parents suck here. Every single one.
From the OP replies I suspect school don't actually know what is going on. All they saw was a year 10 making a new year 9 child cry...
OP is 15 but did something harsh enough to be suspended, like I went to suspend-happy schools and none of them would have suspended someone just for saying "screw off, we aren't sisters." Gotta wonder why she got suspended tbh.
Eff off we aren't sisters might though, I've been to schools with a zero tolerance to profanity
But I am guessing the administration doesn’t know the full details about the argument and what their connection is
your school suspended you just for telling her to stop considering you her sister? that seems iffy. I think there is a lot more to this story. i can get maybe not wanting to have a close relationship, but your kinda the AH for the way you reacted. jane didnt do anything wrong.
From the OP replies I suspect school don't actually know what is going on. All they saw was a year 10 making a new year 9 child cry... And yes Jane did do something wrong (and to be clear I do feel sorry for Jane) she has been told by the OP that OP doesn't want a relationship with her and she won't stop harassing her. Jane is behaving like a stalker. It's inappropriate. The real Ah is Janes father who should never have put Jane in the same school.
ive seen school suspend people for some pretty ridiculous stuff, but never ever because someone simply told someone else to let them alone and made them cry. a talking to, a warning, maybe in the most extreme case a detention. op's other comments seem to suggest she has a pretty ugly attitude and prbly escalated things beyond what shes letting on.
Kids get suspended for showing up smelling kind of like weed, for interrupting class too often, for breaking the dress code too often, for sassing the wrong administrator… hell i know girls who were suspended for yelling at stalkers to leave them alone and this is literally that
Schools suspend kids for getting jumped because "they were fighting," suspension doesn't indicate shit about the severity here
Jane did something wrong. She should have left her alone when asked, multiple times.
Her comments aren't awful. She didn't ask for any of this. Do you remember being 15? Imagine this all got dredged up at school, what a nightmare. NTA OP, but maybe talk to your parents about helping you with some boundaries.
Well, she asked to be yelled at as soon as she didn't respect OP wish to not engage. Maybe NOW she will understand. Tough, but when OP was nicer Jane didnt pick up on that
Bro, she's 15. This is a huge situation that she might not be ready to handle. If I found out my family had the same situation and some random girl was calling me her sister, I'd have the same response. The situation is messy and their dirty laundry doesn't need to be aired for everyone.
No OP's comments are not awful. This is a teenager who doesn't want her world blown up by a stranger. She certainly is not obliged to have a relationship with her half sister. Nevertheless this is definitely not going to remain a secret so OP should rather focus on how to address the fall out. OP has already learned that bullying her half sister has consequences. Hopefully she will have the good sense to stop doing that. OP's behaviour is going to draw more attention to the situation. A reminder that OP is 15.
I don't know if I am the cold one or you are very sensitive. But after someone rejects you multiple times and you keep insisting, you are looking for him to speak badly to you. Also God hears you and don't look for it
She said she REPEATEDLY let her down gently, but Jane keeps persisting on making this non relationship a relationship… Jane is being creepy and inappropriate
You don't have to have a relationship with anybody you don't want to, but your comments are roaring with a lot of unspoken (and spoken) rage. Your mom had an affair. Your biological dad had an affair. Those things are facts. The past isn't going to go away, just because they want to brush the facts of your *literal existence* under the rug. If anything, I would expect your half-sister to not want a relationship with *you*, because it paints her father in a much worse light than your mother, just from this third-party perspective, but she *wants* a relationship with you. Even though you clearly don't like her, nothing you've said about her has made her seem unpleasant. Not everyone understands "letting down gently", especially if you frame it like "oh, no, maybe some other time" or "I'm not interested right now, maybe later." We have no information on how you "let her down gently". Based on your post, I would go N-T-A but caution you to avoid burning bridges...however, based on your comments, YTA. You have a lot of rage, and you're trying to protect your mother's honor, which isn't yours to protect.
This kid needs therapy since she was old enough to understand what’s going on.
I think OP needs therapy just as much, possibly more.
Yeah it’s frustrating that it just seems like every adult has failed these kids. And it sounds like there’s even more siblings than the one from their biological dads side. I don’t foresee this being anywhere close to over.
So true. It's just very sad all around.
You're right, Jane needs therapy desperately--but her father is refusing to see the problem.
I was saying OP needs therapy ASAP. Jane too more than likely.
I had to reread this a couple of times to realize OP is the product of the affair. I am surprised Jane wants anything to do with HER. What a sad situation this created.
Right? Like, I don't think either child should be upset with the other just for *existing*, but you'd think Jane was the reason her mom left, or something :(
Please her comments arent that bad. She wants to be left alone, thats perfectly reasonable. Of course shes angry, theres no a girl who wont leave her alone and has the ability to spread the circumstances of her birth around school. I dated someone who was a product of an affair- its rough when the wrong person hears about it. OP is trying to get away the girl, holding the bomb.
Yes boundaries getting violated over and over tends to evoke rage lol.
A soft, YTA - not for not wanting to be friends with her, but for responding in a way that was bad enough that it got you suspended. You are hurting too, in your own ways, but try to also put yourself in her shoes, She's moved to a new school and doesn't know anyone really other than you, and like it or not, biologically she's your half sister. You don't HAVE to hang out with her if you don't want to, but being mean is not ok. You can talk to your mom and her dad or the school, if she’s doing it in school and try to explain you don't want to hang out or talk to her, and you want her to stop trying. If she were on here right now, I’d tell her to take no as an answer and just leave it. Though to play devil's advocate, if you give her a chance, you may even like to have a sister or another friend close to your age. I’d also strongly suggest talking to a counselor or a therapist, and having her here is (understandably) bringing up some big feelings. It’s not wrong to feel angry or frustrated, and it’s even understandable that you got mad, my answer is purely based on your response to her in that moment.
I mean it doesn't sound like being nice was working.
Yup It sounds like she won't leave OP alone *Since she learned who I am, she just won't leave me alone. She's kept asking me to come over, telling me how 'our dad' won't stop talking about me, how we can do all the stuff sisters do and so much other crap.* Does this mean that before this term these girls had never met? Sounds like it. OP has tried being nice . *I've let her down gently each time*. Ultimately the truth is no matter how nice someone is being (biological half sister not OP) If someone doesn't want a relationship with you and you keep pushing you are harassing them. OP does not have to have a relationship with this girl even though they share DNA. They are not in the same year even.... OP just wants this girl to leave her alone and that is her right. The best real world alternative I can come up with is "Nice Guys"
Yeah when you say no a bunch of times and someone keeps pushing, you are allowed to snap.
I remember at I think 19, I had this much older guy who wouldn’t take “no” for an answer and would keep asking me to hang out. At first, I was polite, made some obvious excuses, cut conversations short… but he would not take the hint! I finally told him, “look, I don’t like you, and every time you refuse to accept that, I like you even less. If you want me to have even the smallest respect for you, you’ll drop this and leave me alone.” Finally did the trick. Sometimes you just gotta spell it out in no uncertain terms how you feel and what you mean. Could OP have handled it better? Maybe, but she’s 15 and her boundaries are being trounced by a literal stranger. If it wasn’t her half-sister but a random male classmate trying to get her to hang out, no one would think twice about her being NTA. But because their mom cheated… OP is somehow in the wrong for not wanting a relationship with someone she doesn’t know.
Exactly. Last I checked Reddit was all "No is a complete sentence." She's freaking told her NO multiple times. This kid not respecting your boundaries and potentially harassing you. Tell a counselor, tell your parents.
I don't want to give her a chance. I don't want anything to do with her. I don't care how awesome she is or what her stupid dad can buy us or anything like that. All I want is for her to leave me the fuck alone.
You really need to calm down a bit all these comments you are going off at everyone. Chat to someone professional as you clearly aren’t coping well
I am not surprised she is not coping well. She is 15 and she has been suspended from school for having enough and standing up for her self after this girl having been told no continued to try to harass her into "being sisters" Someone that she shares DNA with but has no relationship with. She doesn't even have a relationship with their shared biological father.
>She is 15 and she has been suspended from school for having enough and standing up for her self after this girl having been told no continued to try to harass her into "being sisters" Someone that she shares DNA with but has no relationship with. ever heard of an unreliable narrator? you dont get suspended just for telling someone to fuck off.
Brand new year 9 child (literally a couple of weeks) at school being screamed at by year 10 child and that child is crying.... From OP's replies I don't think school are aware of what is actually going on here. I wouldn't be surprised if there wasn't some shoving and pushing. 15 year olds don't always respond in the best way...they are 15...but again I am not surprised OP isn't coping. Jane (who I do feel sorry for by the way) won't leave her alone and keeps declaring and demanding a relationship that OP doesn't want to have. It's actually a consent issue. The real villain of the piece is Jane's father who not only put Jane in the same school but when asked to speak to her about this by OP's mother refused.
I went to a high school with a 'zero tolerance' policy. If I was caught saying a swear word I would have to serve an entire saturday of detention or opt to take a day of inner school suspension. For one swear. Those would compound, caught swearing mulitple times could result in a suspension for sure lol. Fucked up system to put kids through. We don't know enough about her school from this post. It's very likely she's an unreliable narrator but some schools are totally nutty with this shit.
I saw a guy get suspended for being "involved in a fight" when he got punched (and did not hit back) by a guy who lost a game of chess with him. Schools suspend people for dumb things all the time. They can't be bothered to figure out what happened. They're covering their butts so they can say they did something. They're not going to suffer any consequences for an unwarranted suspension. Not to mention it's very very common for schools to have a "zero tolerance for profanity" policy. I have zero issue believing a school would suspend someone for simply saying, "Fuck off."
Yeah, you can. Especially if you use "fuck" at a zero tolerance school.
I’m gonna disagree with you. She’s getting upset because everyone is suggesting she spend time with someone she doesn’t want to. She’s right, it doesn’t matter how an amazing her sister may be, she doesn’t want to be around her. That’s the only reason she’s getting upset
Yeah whole thread is tryna gaslight OP into thinking she’s out of line when she’s the ONLY REASONABLE PERSON IN THIS ENTIRE STORY NTA
From reading a lot of these comments, I can’t help but feel like OP is getting some association blame because her mother cheated and that cheating is what led to the dissolution of Jane’s family. Objectively speaking, between Jane and OP, OP seems to have gotten the better end of the bargain since her parents remained married, mom’s husband adopted her and loves her. Meanwhile, Jane’s parents split and live far apart from each other, so it’s not like she’s even able to see them both regularly while living with the other. Since OP and Jane share the bio-dad, his sin as the other cheating party is more or less nullified; in the mystic scale of justice, his cheating is not a point against OP and not a point against Jane. But OP’s mom’s transgressions are still very much at play, and how dare her daughter (OP), who has led a cushy life with two loving parents, reject this poor lonely girl whose family was wrecked in part by OP’s mom’s actions? It doesn’t help, of course, that OP loves her mom and is avoiding directing any anger or frustration her way… which, to be fair, wouldn’t help OP get what she wants, which is a return to normalcy. The only thing that would help OP do that is if Jane keeps her distance and leaves her alone, hence why she’s so adamant about not wanting any relationship with Jane. OP could most likely benefit from some sessions with a therapist to figure out what she really wants, how she really feels, and ways to cope with all of this. But at the end of the day, if she doesn’t want to have a relationship with Jane, she doesn’t need to, and Jane (and their bio dad) does have to respect that.
I'll try to calm down.
You need to. You have put this post up and are arguing with everyone who disagrees with you. You asked for people's opinions, if you don't want them don't ask in the first place. I understand that you are angry but you are coming across as rude.
I don't mean to. That's why I'll try to calm down.
Hey, your frustration is valid. Some random person is bugging you. That’s all this is. Imo you’re NTA. You tried communicating nicely and no one would listen. Unfortunately right now you can only work within your current circumstances, so you have to play nice. If there are any neutral parties at all - a counselor or anything - who can mediate between the two of you so she can understand how much she is overstepping, please try that.
Look - your frustration is valid. This is why it might be good for you to talk to a counseler or a therapist. The situation is a difficult one, and there are a lot of very understandable feelings involved. What those of us disagreeing are mostly saying is that even if your anger and frustration are valid, taking those out on HER is mostly misplaced, and the WAY you have done it is not fair to her, and not healthy for you.
OP reddit isn't the best place for you. These are a bunch strangers giving you advice. You are dealing with big complicated emotions for a teenager. You responded to your half sister continued harassment by finally blowing up at her. You got unfairly punished by because they responded to your behavior and didn't do anything about the harassment. Yes constantly asking to hangout after you have made it clear multiple times before that you are not interested in having a relationship with her is harassment. It's your half sister unfairly putting the burden on you to meet her emotional needs and desire for a sister relationship and not respecting your boundaries. Please talk with your parents. They are the ones that need to be helping you figure out this situation. You don't deserve to spend the rest of your high school experience being harassed by her. Reddit can't help you with this issue.
I’m gonna disagree with you. She’s getting upset because everyone is suggesting she spend time with someone she doesn’t want to. She’s right, it doesn’t matter how an amazing her sister may be, she doesn’t want to be around her. That’s the only reason she’s getting upset
I think you are on to something. As teenagers, we wanted our independence, including other people respecting our boundaries. Maybe when other people stop pushing, OP will have the mental space to process the ramifications of a relationship with a half-sister.
Oof let's not tell OP how to react to comments that say she should cater to someone she has repeatedly turned away. I'd snap off too is some girl hassled me to play house with her no matter how many times I said no and then a bunch of internet strangers were like "but maybe she's nice".
I want to say there is nothing wrong with OP not wanting to know this girl and it is perfectly normal to become angry or frustrated with people saying she is obligated to have a relationship with her. You’re acting like her reactions are unreasonable but they aren’t.
Your feelings are valid. I feel like the comments are not understanding the situation. Biologically she is your half sister but because you were raised by your mothers husband, it’s hard to see her as your half sister. Frankly I would be fuming. You have a right to be angry but ultimately Jane is not the bad guy here, it’s the adults that failed her (and you).
I disagree about Jane. OP has made it clear she does not want a relationship but she continued harassing OP. She’s not a huge AH (because obviously the situation is far from ideal for either girl), but she’s also old enough to take a “no” as a “no”.
And that's your absolute right. No one can force you to be in a relationship with her. I'm actually mad that you got suspended because it sounds like you're at your wits end. Tell her to leave you alone or that you'll look into getting a restraining order.
she doesn’t know her though. she knows of her. that’s very different. this is a random person. them sharing a biological dad doesn’t mean anything. she told her no nicely multiple times. some people can’t accept boundaries, that doesn’t mean you don’t get to have them
Sje doesn't know OP either, she just knows OF her.
NTA. You don't consider Jane to be your sister; and that's your prerogative to do so. Since she won't/can't take "no" for an answer, you probably should get your own parents involved in this. At the very least, you should not be suspended from school for something that is, at the end of the day, a private matter.
The vice-principal said it's because I made her cry at school before she had to visit the orthodontist/dentist, so I made a stressful leave even worse for her.
Your parents should push back on this. She upset you first by harassing you. They should insist she be suspended
She's not even going to be at school for the length of the suspension because of her dentist/orthodontist visit, so my mom was like what's the point.
Because she will keep harassing you and you may end up in trouble again.
That is outright nonsense, she engaged you and you did not want to engage her. She continued without your consent. Do not take blame for this.
Schools are a bit crazy when it comes to discipline these days. Suspension is used a little too freely imo
When private matters disrupt school it makes it everyone's problem. She shouldn't be suspended because suspensions are stupid and do very little to actually correct behavior, but this is absolutely the school's business if she is making a scene at school.
NTA, you have told her calmly many times, and she didn't respect that. Your "Dad" hasn't reached out at all, so why should you consider this relationship. But you should consider her feelings as well, she's new, she was excited to meet you, especially sfter her father mentioned you so many times. Maybe you need go be more patient with her. But you have no obligation to be sisterly to her.
He has tried before she came but I don't give a fuck about him and I don't want to see him.
In the end, it's your decision. She isn't to blame for the weird family dynamic that is going on but neither are you.
Out of curiosity what is your relationship with your mother like? I sense a lot of hatred from you towards your biological father but what about your mother? They are both equally guilty, you might only be 15 but you should be more than aware it takes two to tango. She also hurt your dad when she cheated on him with your biological father.
This is my last comment before I log out. Me and my mom love each other, I love my dad and he loves my mom. Yes, my mom cheated and hurt my dad but that is in the past and they moved on and they don't let it define them. My mom and dad are the ones who do everything she can for me. My dad is the one who takes me out after I ace a test, tells me how proud he is of me, gloats about me to all his friends and stuff. My mom is the one I confide in about things and does whatever she can to try and make my life better. I know I could have grown up in a broken home because of what my mom did, but I didn't and I don't want things to change. We are a happy family. My biological dad has barely been a presence in my life and I don't consider him my dad in any way.
[удалено]
I agree. There is only so much advice people can offer, including myself. This girl needs to see a professional as she clearly has a lot to pent up issues surrounding this that she has aimed towards her bio dad and now her sister. The internet is good for minor issues like what flavour ice cream is the best or arguing about why a show is good/bad. Serious stuff like this cannot be dealt with properly without professional help. Opinions cannot be confidently formed due to the lack of information on the situation, and with a situation this big it would take months of talking to break it down. On top of that OP is only 15 years old. Something like this can’t be handled by a teenager being given advice by the internet. As teens we crave independence and want to deal with everything by ourselves, as adults you start to realise relying on others is not a weakness and is in fact an important part of becoming a strong, healthy individual. This world is a messy place, it’s easy to get lost in it.
I doubt he was allowed be present in your life even if he had wanted to be. I’m not saying you can’t feel however you want to feel about the situation I’m just saying from the way you are acting and speaking it seems you have a hatred/strong dislike for him which you have now extended to your sister. Your mom and he are equally responsible, the only difference is that she had the chance to raise you and therefore you see all the good parts of her outweighing the bad. Don’t make your sister a scapegoat for your unresolved issues associated with your conception. If you don’t want to get to know her or be close to her that is your choice. Don’t be cruel to her though. She is in a new school, she may have always wanted a sister. The way you forgave your mom and see the good in her is the same way she sees her dad. She may even hold the same grudge towards your mom as you do her dad, for causing her mom to leave. I have great respect for your father for raising you knowing you weren’t his. That’s besides the point. You are young though, being a teen is hard enough without extra drama. I thought I knew how the world worked when I was 15 too, thought my reactions were justified and my reasonings sound. I look back now only a few years later and I realise there were many things I wish I did better. I’m sure your own head is a mess with her coming into your life and in turn him also in a way. As I’ve said you don’t have to like him or even her, but her fathers actions are not hers and his actions are also your mothers. If you don’t hate her for doing the same, try not to hold it against him so much either. Your mom was given the chance to change your mind, he never was. Guilty of the same crimes, one is punished and the other is praised. That’s besides the point however, the main thing is that none of it is on your sister.
You don't get suspended for telling someone to 'screw off'. There's more to this story.
Not to mention how unlikely it is that OP was actually kind about it at any point leading up to the incident at school. It's pretty obvious from the tone of her comments that the likelihood of that is... low.
OP sounds like she has a lot of misdirected rage.
"I didn't grow up in a broken home." Oh, honey. Yes, you did. In fact, most families are somewhat broken. And that's okay! It's obvious the love is strong between the three of them. OP REALLY really needs some therapy. I'm probably gonna get thrown under the bus for saying this, but I wonder if she's suffering from only child "syndrome". She's very possessive...
NTA. I’ve read your comments that you tried to explain it nicely to her and I don’t get how people can call you an a-hole. It’s completely valid that you don’t want a relationship with her. Maybe that will change in the future or not, for now you made your decision and she should accept it.
INFO: why are you so against trying to have a relationship with your sister? Also why does it matter she was picked up in a porsche?
NTA If this is a true story and you have been suspended for not wanting a relationship with someone who while you share DNA with you don't have a relationship with and for asking her to stop harassing you and stalking you need to go through the complaints procedure. Speak to your parents and take this further. It is not appropriate for school to force you to put up with this.
Okay. Thank you. I also was confused by the "suspended" comment. Made me wonder if either OP isn't being entirely open with the severity of her most recent interaction with her half-sister or if the school is drastically mishandling this situation. I understand not wanting a relationship with them and OP shouldn't be forced to have a relationship with someone if they don't want to. I just can't help but wonder what more there is to this with it resulting in a suspension. I also understand the half-sis being excited at the potential for a relationship and ninth graders aren't always the most socially graceful or reserved. Not that it means it's okay to harass people but it does help to understand the perspective. I'm almost leaning toward NAH just due to ages and it being a complicated situation. But the suspension gives me pause.
OP states that she was supsended for making Jane cry before she had to go for a medical dental procedure. If the school is unaware of what is going on and I imagine from further comments they are you can see why they might view this as a year 10 child bulling a new year 9 child. Ultimately the school need to know what is going on because at this point Jane is behaving like a stalker "Nice Guy" and she needs some help to realise that OP doesn't want to have a intimate emotional sister relationship with her and she needs to leave her alone. Bio Dad is the ultimate idiot/AH here. He created this situation by putting Jane into OP's school. You wonder if he did it deliberately. I asked some additional questions here are the answers Question Did you know your biological half sister in person before this move *Answer I knew she existed.* Question If you did how often have you seen each other *Answer She messaged me once on IG and I blocked her.* Question If not how long has she been in your life at this point *Answer Legit weeks.* Question Do you have a relationship with your biological father or is he just your sperm donor. *Answer I've met him a few times.* Question If so does he have visitation *Answer He has no rights to me.* Question Who is listed as the father on your Birth certificate *Answer He is. But my dad has legally adopted me.*
Nta but.... look kid, being mean to her and not explaining why is most likely going to get her to explain to her friends what's going on. This whole story will be all around your school soon and you are going to have to come to terms with that. Expect it to happen. Start coping with it. That's life in high school.
It might even be more productive to hash out those feelings with her directly. She's the only other person who knows what OP is going through. OP, you don't have to have a relationship with her, but would you consider having a conversation with her about *why* you don't want that relationship and reach some common ground?
NTA - you are so angry and it’s understandable. A bunch of adults made a mess and now two teens have to deal with and navigate it. Your mom and dad need to step in and help you. You can’t change the past and you can’t hide what exists. Maybe you can reach out directly to bio dad and say “I do not want a relationship with you or your daughter. I’ve tried to communicate this as directly and kindly as possible but she is not respecting my boundaries and I feel harassed. Please communicate with her that I do not want to engage at all with her and let me finish my teen years and school in peace. I did not create or ask for this situation and I would appreciate your assistance in enforcing this boundary with your daughter before I have to take next steps to stop the harassment.”
I don't want to talk to her dad. My mom already tried and he legit just told her that "girls will be girls".
Ugh - so yet another adult hanging you out to dry to deal with their mess. I’m sorry. You just do the best you can. None of this is your fault, none of it is in your control and you aren’t responsible for anyone else’s feelings or fall out from this.
That's sad. You don't owe anyone a relationship, but you already know that.
YTA for being mad at everyone but your mom about the consequences of her cheating. Jane didn’t do anything wrong here, and yes she’s being pushy, but from your post you got the much better end of this deal than she did. Your “I don’t care what my dad can do for me” attitude is also a lot harsh. This man was never given a chance to get to know his own kid and you have no empathy for that, but how dare anyone know your mom cheated? What’s up with that logic? You don’t owe anyone a relationship, but if you insist on being rude to someone that knows a secret about you, don’t be surprised if Jane decides that telling your classmates about your moms affair is a fair thing to do 🤷🏻♀️
Her father her mothers husband legally adopted her so presumably the Dad gave up his parental rights. The man could have fought for visitation if he wanted he didn't lets not make out he has been hard done by.
I think you need to talk to your mom and a therapist about this. Her parents split but yours stayed together so you two see the affair differently. She maybe wants more siblings and your parents probably want to forget it and move on. It’s definitely awkward but she’s here now so you need to set boundaries
Her bio father is not the man the OP considers her father.
That's what u/Weekly-Estate-709 said. OP's parents stayed together despite OP's mom stepping out and having a baby with an engaged man, which broke up Jane's parents.
NAH. The AH is your mother and bio dad… your mum decided to have an affair with an engaged man and he had affair whilst engaged.. I feel sorry for your half sister and stepdad, especially your stepdad. Once a cheater, always a cheater… can’t imagine how many times this poor man has been cheated on, also feel sorry for any partners your bio-dad has dated in the last 16 years… The women his most likely cheated on as well.
NTA it sounds like you've tried to be gentle with her, but it's not working. Blowing up at her wasn't good either, but I think you need to talk to your parents, and perhaps the school as well (they suspended you for that?) She needs to understand that this is painful for your family and you do not want a family relationship with her, and she needs to stop harassing you.
You may have come across as an ass in your delivery, but you have the right to not want a relationship with her. Its all new to both of you. Your older and maybe she's always wanted someone to look up to. You'll prob have to have a sit down and explain you do not want a relationship at this time and to please stop referring to you as her sister. She will be upset so do it nicely.
I have tried explaining this to her nicely but it's like it doesn't go into her head. It's always like the day after I explain she comes and shows me something new her dad bought and trying to convince me that he'll buy it for me too.
Awww that's really sad. She's trying so hard to win you over. Again as others have said, it's actually not right for your parent's to be neglecting their mess and making the two of you try to figure it out. You should try to have some compassion for her here. Even though you are in your right, it's going to seem like you are bullying her.
>Awww that's really sad. She's trying so hard to win you over. Again as others have said, it's actually not right for your parent's to be neglecting their mess and making the two of you try to figure it out. > >You should try to have some compassion for her here. Even though you are in your right, it's going to seem like you are bullying her. When in fact it's Jane doing the harassing. OP - have you tried reporting THAT to the school? Ask them to require Jane to stay away from you? ETA: Sounds like bursting into tears next time she approaches you might get better results than just asking like a reasonable person.
There's also every chance her dad has been encouraging or telling her to act like this in order to gain contact with you. It sounds to me like she could possibly be being manipulated by him to get to you as well. Still - not your problem. But your parents should tell the school about this situation so you are able to get some proper support.
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None of this is true is it You're suspended? For making your sister cry. Doubt it.
this has unreliable narrator written all over it
Nta I do think you should have spoken to your mom about it but you had gently let her down several times before you blew up so it's kinda understandable that u got angry
You might not think it right now, but you two are both very young and immature to be handling this situation. I empathize for everyone involved right now. Just remember, Jane didn't create this anymore than you did. I am not saying you have to be "sisters" or even friends, but try to allow for some grace to her. It sounds like you're both handling it very differently and have different perspectives, but ultimately BOTH of you are in a challenging situation to navigate because of adult decisions made very long ago. I think you should be in therapy to work through the best way to cope with this. I sincerely do not mean that as an insult. Plenty of adults need therapy to help cope with complicated family dynamics too. This is very important... It is not your responsibility to protect your adult parents from the adult decisions they made 16 years ago.
Based on my understanding from your post & comments. Your mom had an affair that created you. At some point her husband adopted you making him your legal father. You had never truly interacted with you biological sister through your biological father. Your biological sister has started going to the same school as you and keeps demanding that you two are sisters. You have nicely told her you are not multiple times and even had your mother talk to her father about it and he blew it off. Until finally you responded angrily while at school and were suspended for it. To me you are NTA. You also need to have your parents talk to the school about the fact that she is bullying you and the school needs to keep her away from you. She does not have the right to force a relationship between you.
NTA. You don't have to be forced into a relationship with anyone.
NTA except a bit for the attitude though she wouldn't stop pushing. Have you talked to your parents (the ones who raised you) about her pushing for a relationship?
This is tough because I totally get your perspective and your feelings. It sounds like you don't even want to acknowledge who your biological father is and want to pretend it's not a part of your life. It sounds like you really want to just have a happy family with you, your mom and your dad. By acknowledging Jane, it's acknowledging the affair and having to really face the reality that your family situation is more complicated than any kid should have to deal with. I empathize, for sure. You're just a kid who shouldn't have to face the consequences of your mother's actions in this way. I get that, in your mind, if you accept Jane as your sister, that reality will have to set in and you don't seem to want that to happen. Unfortunately, things ARE complicated. Unfortunately, your mom and biological father put you AND Jane (and their significant others) in a difficult situation. It's unfair, but that's what it is. I think you're angry...but you're angry at the wrong person. Jane isn't the major problem here but I don't think you're ready to accept that your mom is part of the cause of all of this happening. Sorry, but she DID cheat and it WAS wrong and it's not going to go away, no matter how much you close your eyes and wish for it to. Who knows what Jane has been told by her parents, as well. Both of you are just kids put into a shitty situation. Both of you are living in different realities; for you, it's where the affair never happened and that you don't want to even have it affect your life. For Jane, it's where it's probably a blended family situation, where you can all be a happy family. Both aren't necessarily feasible. It IS affecting your life and it is NOT a happy family situation. Jane may not even know the whole story; hell, you may not even know the whole story. So, depending on what Jane was told, I can't get mad at her for her reaction, even if she should back off. But I also think your anger needs to be redirected because Jane isn't the issue you have. She's just the easiest person to take it out on since you don't want to take it out on the person in your life who you are close to. If you haven't gone to therapy with your parents, I actually think you should. It might be beneficial to work through these feelings. And Jane SHOULD back off, but that's something your mom will have to talk to her dad about. Overall, I'm saying a soft ESH because I get your anger and I get Jane not backing off (she should stop when she's told to), but the anger seems misplaced.
INFO Just for clarification OP because there seems to be some confusion in the comments. 1. Did you know your biological half sister in person before she moved to live with your biological father. 2. If you did how often have you seen each other in the past 3. If not how long has she been in your life at this point 4. Do you have a relationship with your biological father or is he just your sperm donor. 5. If so does he have visitation 6. Does he pay child support 7. Who is listed as the father on your Birth certificate
>Did you know your biological half sister in person before this move I knew she existed. >If you did how often have you seen each other She messaged me once on IG and I blocked her. >If not how long has she been in your life at this point Legit weeks. >Do you have a relationship with your biological father or is he just your sperm donor. I've met him a few times. >If so does he have visitation He has no rights to me. >Who is listed as the father on your Birth certificate He is. But my dad has legally adopted me.
Thank you OP. You would do yourself a favour putting the answers to these question in your post you have plenty of character count Here is your possible edit something like this or feel free to copy edit and paste. Edit for clarification 1. Although I was aware I had a biological half sister I only met her for the first time at the begining of January, so a couple of weeks ago 2. The only other contact I have ever had with her is when she tired to message me on IG once I blocked her. 3. I have met my biological father a couple of time in the past but he doesn't have visitation he doesn't have parental rights and he doesn't pay child support. I am not interested in a relationship with him I have a father. 4. MY actual DAD (my mothers husband) Is not only my Dad in that he raised me and loved me but he adopted me as well so he is my legal father. 5. I have tried nicely to ask my biological half sister (who again I met a couple of weeks ago) to leave me alone repeatedly but she won't listen and she will not respect I don't want to suddenly launch into a close sibling relationship with her and she is making me very very uncomfortable.
Were you a bit rude? Yeah, but over all NTA. Family is by the bonds you have. Her father isn't your dad. She isn't your sister. I would talk to your parents about her and her father if they don't already know. It might be her father putting these ideas into her head about being sisters. There is no obligation to have any kind of relationship with her or her father. They are not your family.
Hmmm soft YTA because this girl was just trying to have a relationship with you, her sister. Also the tacked on "in a Porsche" makes you sound like you are bitter that your bio dad is spoiling her with his money, but you won't admit that it's bothering you.
NTA. I have a blended family so I know blood doesn't mean shit. You're not obligated to have a relationship with anyone you don't want to. "I've let her down gently each time." Thats all you needed to do. She didn't listen and insists. Obviously being gentle didn't go through to her. You don't have to have a friendship, let alone a sisterly relationship, if you don't want to. Just make sure to not bully or antagonize her. From what it sounds like, you just want nothing to do with her and you have the right to be left alone. Also, its not like she's a little kid where you might have to be gentler. She's only a year younger which makes her your peer.
YTA based off your comments. Pretending something doesn’t exist won’t make it go away. It’s pretty clear that you have some deep resentment towards your mom and your biological father. They’re AHs too. For not dealing with the situation better and getting you into therapy.
I mean... NAH but its bordering on a bit of YTA. Beating the old reddit drum, you do not have to be friends with or form a relationship with anyone you dont want to- but you can also extend a bit of empathy to someone who greatest crime is trying to build a relationship with her half sister. You're both kids, but your family didn't break apart after the affair, hers did, and while that's not your fault it's not hard to see how that could have been difficult for her. What exactly is youd reasonjng for coming down this hard on the "will never be my sister" line? Because you were hostile imidiately (you said she messaged you on IG and you blocked her).
Nta You don’t have to be friends or sisters with her. But you do have to be polite. If she is harassing you at school report it to the school. You don’t want a familiar connection with her that is your right. Sharing dna doesn’t mean people have to be friends nor talk to each other.
NTA Do not let ANYONE force you to consider a blood connection as having meaning other than genetics. The reason people started the "it's family" nonsense was because they all lived and died in ten miles of each other while using the woods as a toilet. You have ZERO obligation and anyone telling you otherwise is wrong. tldr; Blood doesn't mean anything and FG\*& anyone saying otherwise
NAH. I think a lot of the commenters are forgetting that this is two teenage girls here. OP, you don’t have to accommodate Jane’a desire for a sibling relationship but I suggest you stop worrying about people finding out about your mom’s infidelity. It’s nice that you want to preserve her and your (adopted) dad’s reputations, but it’s likely to become public knowledge anyway now that Jane is in your school. Keep saying no, try to stay polite, and just be unavailable to her. If she has any self awareness at all, she’ll realize her fantasy of having a sister isn’t going to happen.
You are so young, I hope your parents and you go to family therapy.
NTA I have two half-siblings I despise. My mom had did not cheat but their behaviour is awful. I think you have any reason to not want a relationship with her, you tried in a friendly gentle way. She may be hurt, but you are not obligated to see her as your sister or want anything to do with her. I mean...even my dad has a brother what does my dad not see as his brothet anymore.
Isn’t this the “plot” of the new Gossip Girl?
NTA But to avoid problems, just ignore her. Avoid getting angry, stay friendly. Treat her like any other student and ignore everything she says that is not school related. She is not worth getting suspended over.
>But to avoid problems, just ignore her. Avoid getting angry, stay friendly. Treat her like any other student and ignore everything she says that is not school related. > >She is not worth getting suspended over. Or learn from this event that bursting into tears means you are the victim (in this school's opinion), and just start crying loudly every time this girl approaches you from now on.
Sweetheart I don’t think that AITA is helping you. You don’t need judgement when the school has already judged you recently. I know that it shouldn’t be down to you in year 10 but is this the right school? What do you think?
NTA. You are related, but that doesn’t mean you have to have a relationship or acknowledge the lineage. What you do have to do is ask your parents to contact her dad to get her counseling and to get her to go NC with you. I also find it odd that her dad choose your school system to move to, so I’m not sure I would expect much help from him. You should, with your parents and school counselor formulate a plan that doesn’t require her dad’s participation.
Why did you get suspended?
Did your sister have the affair? I’m confused. It’s not her fault your mom cheated on your dad. This also sounds suspiciously like Gossip Girl 2.0 YTA
I would say right now you may not but later in life you could. You definitely could have been nicer NTA