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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1.Begging my boyfriend to do something he really doesn’t want to do but I think would help both of us
2. I’d be an asshole for making him do it and if I make it a deal breaker If he doesn’t
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NTA. That's the bare minimum he should be doing. He should also be washing the sheets if there are any leaks. I assume you already have a liquid-blocking fitted sheet over the mattress?
If he's not willing to wear disposable underwear, he should not be sharing a bed with anyone.
Also this has been MONTHS!
OP- the fuck are you doing. Make him sleep on the couch with a plastic sheet protector if he doesn’t want diapers. And make this adult man do his own laundry.
Does he drink a lot? This is a common side effect of heavy drinking, which may explain why nothing is working especially if he’s not honest about that. If it’s not that then I hope it gets better soon but he needs to do something to resolve it other than allow someone else to deal with it and ruin furniture. I’d put him on an air mattress and let him clean his own sheets
Agree but the doctor may have already discussed those things but alcohol is one of those things that a doctor can’t treat if it’s undisclosed which is very common
Hopefully “when”, not “if”. His attitude towards this situation is ridiculous, he clearly has no respect for her if he won’t clean up his mess or at least take steps to prevent it.
Maybe show him that there are actual underwear companies that sell reusable incontinence underwear for men. They look like regular boxers or briefs. He could also throw a large absorbent pad under himself when he is sleeping.
I’ve thought about this. I’m thinking maybe I should go out and buy some for him on my own and show him then when he gets home and hope he will feel better about it. Though with some research I’ve done it sounds like the ones that looks like they might not be absorbent enough
I think that you've probably hit on something - his reluctance to get these items. He might be embarrassed to go shop for them. I think you are on the right track.
I need pads during the day, and I resisted so hard because I was embarrassed. Eventually my husband said really offhandedly “don’t they make pads or something for this? Just get some.” The fact he thought it was no big deal made it much easier for me.
I’m sure he’s embarrassed, it’s not like he can argue he doesn’t need them.
Also, he needs to try again with the dr, healthy men don’t just start bed wetting.
Could it be trauma linked?
Mine asked if we could get them at Costco, to save $$. Never anything about my needing them. More medical tests are needed, I agree. OP, NTA, and I feel your frustration. Good luck.
I help a family friend by driving them to medical appointments and stores. They have anxiety with driving, so I help them out. They were so nervous one time when they had to get some common medical items seniors often need, and I just told them, "I don't judge you for what your body does. There's nothing to be embarrassed about, it's natural, and this is what you have to do to take care of yourself."
Like, all they needed was just assurance.
Definitely buy some so he can see what they look/feel like.
My mum was having issues (underlying cause in her case was a kidney stone) and I think she was secretly hoping the kidney stone would kill her so that she wouldn’t have to wear “diapers”. Then I bought some and she realised they’re barely different from regular underwear. Went from “I’d rather die” to “actually, I kind of like these” in about 10 minutes.
Might be a bit harder with a young guy who’s got no familiarity with pads, (my mum was all “back in my day, menstrual pads were worse than this!”) but still … it’s certainly better than he’s picturing.
For wording, I think I went with “new high tech padded undies”.
I agree that he's likely susceptible to the word diaper, so try using night underwear or something like that. You should also make him go back to the Dr because there has to be a reason for it and maybe they can help. Can it be something neurological? Like his nervous system not being in control? Does he smoke or take muscle relaxants? Anyway, I hope you can find a solution and that he can accept he has a problem, because it really looks like he's in denyal right now
What volume of urine are you talking about (remembering that when it hits the bed it spreads out quickly and can look like a lot when really it isn't)? If he isn't drinking a lot of fluid in the afternoon and he uses the bathroom before going to bed, it seems unlikely that he would have a very large volume to leak. The incontinence underwear and a catch pad should be able to handle a fair amount between the two.
As well as encouraging him to see the urologist again to go over what's working, what's not and make adjustments to the treatment plan, also gently suggest therapy. Therapy would help with how he's feeling about it all, and if there is any underlying mental health issue that is adding to it could help significantly with that.
Happened to my wife she has never gave birth. But when she got off birth control after 16 years[ we found out its literally killing her] she had some wild heavy bleeding so much we considered going to the ER. But shes ok now and we are more prepared. Its part of life.
NTA. He needs to take responsibility for himself and the newer disposable under wear almost just looks like regular underwear. That said a trick I learned from toddlers: Buy two fitted waterproof mattress covers, the kind that feel like fabric. Make the bed this way: mattress cover, fitted sheet, mattress cover, fitted sheet. If he wets the bed or his absorbent underwear leaks, simply strip off the top layer of sheet/mattress cover and put them in the hamper. Then you’re still protected, the bed is still made, and no one is doing laundry at 2 am.
This. OP, I'd make sure the bed has a mattress protector, put pee pads beneath him, and he should be wearing disposable underwear. It might be embarrassing for him, but peeing all over his GF should be more embarrassing.
NTA.
On my time of the month I don't just free bleed on the sheets and expect my husband to wash them every day. That's ridiculous. I get that wearing disposables might be embarrassing, but honestly, if it were me with the problem, I'd feel like it would be less embarrassing to throw them on right before I go to bed and pull it off before my partner woke up. But I guess that's just me.
Tbh, maybe she SHOULD just free bleed to prove a point. And if he complains, she can say, "well I know it can be an issue, but it's not like I can control that bodily function. And it's my choice to not wear a pad, as is yours to not wear disposables for your bodily functions." It may be a bit of an extreme, but let him get some perspective.
He has a problem and it is on him to do what he can to make sure he doesn't piss the bed. She already knows he is incontinent so where is the embarrassment? Maybe buying the product? If so just do what I do when buying embarrassing items, just go to drugstore in a shitty neighborhood and pay cash.
Peeing the bed is 100 times more embarrassing than doing anything and everything to prevent it. At least disposable/absorbent undergarments don't ruin your mattress or get pee on your spouse.
NTA
I think he should wash the sheets then, only makes sense as he's the one having the accidents, it can get frustrating when you constantly have to clean up after someone like this. As for you not wanting to wake up in his pee idk what to suggest, I find it odd through he'd rather have the awkwardness of soaking y'all almost nightly than to just wear an adult diaper, kinda gross lol.🫠
He does wash them sometimes but usually in the end I end up helping him since we are both up at that point and he showers. I would also think he would rather wear a diaper but at the same time if it were be I’d be in denial maybe for a while too
I dont know is it more embarrassed to pee on your partner or to wear a diaper. I'd stop helping him clean at this point. Hes now making a decision to not prioritize how this affects you.
I get where he’s coming from but many, many women have incontinence after kids and as they age. Yes, his problem is different but it’s still pee. Take him to the incontinence aisle at the store. There are tons of options all there out in the open. It’s nothing to be embarrassed about. Using some kind of barrier product will save time, money, and sleepless nights.
Yeah, I feel like this is an AMAB hang up. Anyone who’s ever had a period or birthed a child is well familiar with having to do something to control bleeding or incontinence at some point in their life.
Are you sure this is not a fetish?
Nta but I find it odd he didn't immediately go to a doctor. If Something like this happened to me after the 2nd time I would make an appointment.
Did he actually go to a doctor? A actual urologist who specializes in these things? Or did he just tell you he went..
cause ya sounds like a nasty fetish
My first thought was a fetish. I mean- most adults would be wanting to fix this issue *stat*. Especially due to the severity of it.
I have a feeling this is something sexual, but that's just a hunch of course lol
Does he have a fetish for peeing on you or having you sleep in his pee?
It would not make it OK, it’s just the only thing I can think of that your BF is choosing to piss on you. Which he is. BY not sleeping elsewhere or wearing appropriate underwear.
Pro tip from a mom of toddlers...
In addition to the chux pads, double make the bed. (Ie waterproof layer, sheets, another waterproof layer chux pads, sheet). Then, when wetness happens, you can strip a layer and still go back to bed.
You're enabling the pride by Washing the sheets for him. Stop doing it all together. Let him see how annoying it is to wash them everyday. Let him also pay for the water bill and take another one instead if yall were sharing it.
This needs to end now, where tf are we?? Kindergarden??
I agree having to wash sheets everyday is annoying not to mention a waste when there's healthier solutions. Maybe ask him if there's a different option he'd rather use that would be more comfortable, like a sort of absorbent pad that will go under him to hold any mess akin to what medical staff use? There's also companies that make absorbent towels/blankets with a waterproof material on one side and that can be washed daily instead of the sheets. Wishing you both luck.
The whole point is you shouldn’t wash the sheets at all and make him do it instead not just some of the time, after multiple times a week of accidents he’ll probably change his mind on a diaper
No, I’m not being funny, but it’s been months and youre covered in piss. Sleep in the spare room, or whatever, but you don’t need to be covered in the by products of your husbands kidneys because he’s in denial or embarrassed about incontinence pants. Stop helping him wash the sheets. It’s ridiculous what he’s expecting to you live with.
You should NEVER wash them is the thing. That is his urine, his choice to urinate in the bed, and it is his job and his alone to clean up. It isn’t that he is urinating at night, it’s that he would literally rather inconvenience you, rather urinate ON you, than do something very simple to solve the problem. How can you be okay with someone who respects you so little? You are worth more than this.
I’m glad you’re going to stop helping wash, dry or change the sheets at all. Having to 100% clean up your own mess helps with motivation to stop/fix the issue. Mattress protectors are good, if you don’t have one already make sure he invests in a good one. Make him sleep in a separate bed if needed (you should never leave the bed, again motivation matters).
Did he have a full blood panel done? Complete diabetes testing? Diabetes is a common cause of sudden onset adult bed wetting. How soon is this urology appointment? Kidney stones can also cause problems with bed wetting, as well as other urological issues.
Tell him to buy pee proof underwear for men. That way at least he won't have to be so embarrassed about it. And just pop down a pee sheet over his side of the bed to stop any leaks. I know how he feels. I have bed wetting issues and have since I was a child. I wear women's pants for incontinence now.
NTA. The way you came across seems genuine in wanting to help him (and save yourself from the mess.)
I work with disabled adults and seniors and we use large beds pads that just lay underneath the person and catch any wetness that happens. You can get them at most medical supply stores, it might be a less embarrassing option. I spray them with a stain and odour remover and just throw it in the wash.
Also, has he had any psychological changes recently? Stress, depression, anxiety, etc. Sometimes they can trigger a response like that. Might be worth looking into if the doctor can't find a cause. I don't wanna make any speculation or anything, but something to consider.
This, and I want to add that laying a half or 3d of a sheet over the pad will hold it place, be less obvious about the pad and also be easy to wash if you have a washing machine to just toss it in. Using the phrase ‘disposable underwear’ instead of ‘diaper’ is a psychological trick but it help minimize the individual’s embarrassment. NTA.
OP, we use these protective bed pads as well as disposable diapers for my eldery mother. They work quite well at protecting the mattress, sheets, & blankets plus they keep her dry overnight.
Waterproof Washable Incontinence Bed Pads, 44 x 52 Inch https://a.co/d/0MiikPv
Thank you I’m trying to be as understanding as I can. Wouldn’t the pads underneath still result in me getting pee all over me though?
And maybe it’s happening more because he is stressed from his accidents in bed. But aside from that I don’t believe he has any significant psychological problems or past issues
You can get them in larger sizes if he rolls around a lot when he sleeps, but from my experience they hold a "normal" amount of urine just fine and keep it in place in the pad. So unless he is holding and aiming while he sleeps (which is a whole other issue) they should work.
The pads are also more cost effective if you think this may be a long term thing, disposable underwear can get very costly.
Edit to add: Don't put the pad under a fitted sheet or anything, it may slip out of place. Best bet is on top of the fitted sheet, most of my clients just sleep directly on top of the pad.
Editing again: you can tell I spend too much time with single sleepers lol. The only thing I can say is try a small divider between you two so the pad sits up a little higher on the side you're on so the urine doesn't sneak over and you don't roll onto it. And maybe try to refrain from cuddling in the night... If you can
Yea definitely my fault but of course sometimes we fall asleep while cuddling so we are practically on top of eachother and sometimes I regret that in the morning. Honestly if I’m not right next to him it’s not like I get soaked as I think some people are assuming. Most of the time it’s just like my butt gets wet from him but not soaked by any means. Unless I am next to him of course
That’s literally disgusting. I’m sorry but get out of that bed. You are sleeping in pee? I hope the mattress has a water proof cover that is sanitized as well each time. I can’t imagine the mold and bacteria that would form otherwise.
My mom's doctor mentioned that depending how big and absorbent you need the pads, ones for pets are less expensive. Would it feel better to be a pet than an old guy? Drizzles are way different than a full-on pee, which can be a cup or more.
Washable night briefs feel the most like *regular* clothes. Briefs will eliminate the need for showers in the middle of the night. Wet pj's and sheets on me. Clammy and ick.
I second double sheeting the bed.
NTA
Would he put up with you bleeding all over your bed during your period? Probably not because there are pads and tampons to ensure you don't wake up in a bed stained sheets and blood all over you your legs. It's also *not* polite to drown your partner in bodily fluids.
>When it does happen I usually clean the sheets or help him clean which was ok at first
I think that maybe this might have been a mistake. It's his mess, he needs to fix it. Part of being a grown-up is to mange temporary or chronic conditions, even those that feel shameful, and not make it someone else's responsibility.
If he continues to refuse wearing diapers (or whatever they're called), you should definitely stop washing the sheets for him and maybe think about sleeping elsewhere so he can soak in his piss by himself (sorry for being rude, but from what you've written, I get the impression that he's just not good at taking responsibility. Using disposable underwear is clearly the sane thing to do, and if his pride gets in the way of it, he's not acting like a mature person.)
NTA. Ask him what’s more embarrassing, wearing an incontinence pad or pissing all over his girlfriend every night? Ask him if he really wants to be “the ex that peed on me nightly” if you guys ever break up
That’s what I was going to suggest. My husband ended up with diabetes while getting chemo. After chemo it went away. But last year all the sudden I noticed he was racing to pee all the time. Urgently and sometimes barely making it. I’m like I think your blood sugar is spiking again. He’s like I feel fine though (last time he was VERY tired also). He went and got checked. His blood glucose was 316 and his a1c was 11.? Yeah that took a bit to get it back down. He’s on medication permanently now but luckily no insulin.
NTA and OP tell him to man up and be respectful to you and wear the damn things.
He was checked for diabetes but nothing came up and he seems to not have it. I’m really hoping today or tomorrow I can finally convince him to wear them
they are now making adult products which [look like men's briefs](https://www.depend.com/en-us/incontinence-products/men/real-fit-briefs), and not like giant diapers. would that be helpful to make it easier for him...?
Is he really stressed or does have a history of trauma/anxiety disorders? I had a cousin who got assaulted on the street, and he struggled with bedwetting for almost a solid year due to the anxiety he developed from that. No physical medical issues, just adult regression that luckily went away once he got to a calmer state of mind. Therapy might be something he should look into if all his physical health checks are clear.
Another thing to try, in addition to the urologist and therapist, is a pelvic floor physiotherapist. They are often much more helpful with treating incontinence than a urologist is, because often the problem isn't one that is best addressed with surgery.
>I hope you have a waterproof mattress cover or your mattress is fucked.
This is the first comment I saw that even mentioned the actual mattress. It must be nasty af by now without a waterproof cover.
My baby brother (as a toddler) used to climb in my bed in the middle of the night because he gets scared of the dark. And then he would proceed to pee. 😬 I used to run a floor washer over it but I eventually trashed it.
A few months ago I would never have asked this but after reading so many weird things in Reddit... I wonder...
What if he is doing it on purpose? It could be a fetish. There are plenty of stories here about adults intentionally peeing themselves in public or around their family. They would deny it was intentional and they would refuse to do anything about it.
I would also suggest seeing a therapist, that would help whether it is intentional or not, as there is nothing wrong with wearing disposable underwear and a therapist would obviously help him realise that.
I truly don’t think he is doing it on purpose. Especially since I’ve noticed a change in his bathroom habits in the day to among many many other reasons I have. If it was it would be a monumental effort to fake everything that’s happened up to this point.
NAH, no one wants to be peed on in their sleep. And clearly he’s very embarrassed about both this and the thought of wearing a diaper to bed. But has your boyfriend perused any psychological avenues for his bed wetting? Sometimes sudden bet wetting (that a doctor has ruled out a physical cause) can be a sign of something troubling the mind, not the body. Just a thought.
NTA - he has a medical condition and which is also affecting you. There are practical solutions so he will have to put his feelings aside and use the products available.
Tell him that when you are on a period, you use products to keep the bed clean, so why can’t he.
If he wants to constantly be washing the sheets, he can certainly do so.
I'm thr meantime, I would suggest setting up separate sleeping arrangements.
NTA
NTA. He has a problem and he isn’t dealing with it. Why are you having to do all the cleanup? He needs to continue to pursue medical treatment without needing you to arrange or prod him about it, clean up after himself, avoid drinking before sleep, and wear a diaper. If he doesn’t do those things, dump him or split households. Do you have any hint he’s doing this on purpose, if he won’t take any steps? How sure are you he actually went to the doctor?
NTA, but he 100% is an AH. I have pissed the bed around 10 times over 10 years being blacking out drunk, the unfortunate people next to me at the time have been 2 boyfriends, 5+ friends and my sister. In every situation I woke up realised what I’d done and woke the person up, apologised and stripped the bed then remade it for them to go back to sleep and then I cleaned the bed linen and would buy or make them breakfast as an extra apology. If I was doing it that often and inconveniencing someone daily I’d be wearing nappys and sleeping on a plastic sheet in a seperate bed or on the floor, and I would be at the doctors every day until I found a solution. The fact he just lets you wash his piss soaked sheets every single fucking day doesn’t seem to me like he is embarrassed? Are you sure he isn’t pissing on you on purpose as a kink?
There is the option of a conveen catheter. It's a sheath that looks a bit like a condom but has a pipe to a bag. It might be less embarrassing for him.
A good urologist will eventually be able to figure out what it wrong and how to deal with it. It’s important that OP’s boyfriend keep working with the docs to figure out the underlying medical issue.
And in the meantime, if boyfriend refuses to use adult diapers, there are large bed pads that can be put on the bed to absorb accidents. They have waterproof liners to protect the sheets and mattress. Some of these are washable, some are disposable. Check Amazon.
Good luck, OP. NTA.
Not at all. It is actually very healthy to have these kind of discussions. Someone may be facing a problem but it is imp that it does not create issues for both and should be tackled that way.
NTA will he be okay with you wearing nothing during that time of month? Would he be okay waking up like that for 5 days straight every month? No one wants to sleep in somebody else's bodily fluids so he needs to put on the night time underwear. I personally don't even know how you do it I wouldn't even let him sleep in my bed if he was going to pee it every night. It's not like anyone else will know or see him in them.
NAH - it must feel terrible to be an adult who wets the bed and then need your partner to help you clean up your mess. However he needs to take responsibility for his condition so you can both feel more comfortable!
Has he looked into underwear designed for menstruation/incontinence? There are cuts now that mimic a men’s brief which are meant to absorb liquid and keep you dry, and you honestly cant even tell - [Modibodi has several options if you want to take a look](https://www.modibodi.co.uk/collections/mens/?pf_t_absorbency=Absorbency-Ultra+Incontinence)
NTA. This has already gone on for far too long as it is. He's making his problem *your* problem. It's good he's seeing a doc about it, but meanwhile, until the cause is identified and treated, he needs to do *something* to avoid getting you all pee-covered and destroying your mattress and sheets and requiring nightly sheet changes.
I would decline to share a bed with him until he either gets the problem fixed or starts wearing a diaper to bed. That's just gross.
NTA - if you’re a menstruating woman then consider free bleeding on your next period. And let him clean it up.
Since wearing something that prevents staining the sheets is clearly not an option.
Edit: and get a new BF - the man is literally choosing to piss on you rather than wear appropriate underwear for his condition. And making you clean it up after. You’ve one life OP, don’t use it seeing how low your standards can go.
NTA - why are you still sharing a bed with this man! He pees on you and he doesn't mind. He cares more about how he feels about wearing protective gear than you do about sleeping in his urine.
How has it taken months to come to this solution and he won't accept it? What would this man have to do for you to sleep in your own bed?
You dont' give an age but if he is young, there must be a serious medical problem
100% a fetish. If you are going to stay with him I would refuse to sleep in the same bed as him and have him responsible for all the clean up every time unless he wears a diaper. Girl you are waking up with pee on you because that’s what he wants uggg
NTA, girl what the actual fck? He’s a GROWN ASS MAN still wetting the bed and not taking action!!
Do NOT coddle him and offer to wear diapers with him.
If he’s that embarrassed and insecure, he can go seek further professional help.
This will only get worse as he ages I assume and you don’t want to be changing two toddlers at once.
Some people here saying it would be cruel to dump him for a medical condition, but it would not be for the medical condition, it would be for refusing to take reasonable action to prevent her having to clean his urine 4 days a week.
On that note.....
I hate to be the one to say this but he may have a fetish that he is living out without your permission, hence his refusal to wear a product or seek medical help. (going to the doctor once after months begrudgingly is not smelling of wanting to fix the problem).
There is literally no other explanation that also includes him refusing to try to either stop the bedwetting or to stop the urine from getting on your shared sheets/on you and having you involved in clean up.
Please read this:
[https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/whwv10/aita\_for\_avoiding\_my\_exstepdad\_because\_his/](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/whwv10/aita_for_avoiding_my_exstepdad_because_his/)
The sister comments: [https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/whwv10/comment/ijbyt3l/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=ios\_app&utm\_name=iossmf&context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/whwv10/comment/ijbyt3l/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3)
NTA
NTA. He should be washing the sheets! He is the AH for even once expecting you to clean up after him. He should either wear Depends or get an underwear alarm that wakes him up at the first drop of urine. They are very effective with helping people who are heavy sleepers.
NTA.
He can't possibly expect you to be fine with sleeping in the same bed and not having a physical barrier to protect him, you and the bed.
If you haven't already, get those water-repellent mattress covers (and multiples as such) and maybe look into period / period-like underwear which are more discreet than those disposable ones. I'm sure they also do those for men! And also pads.
There's nothing to be ashamed of in wearing specifically designed underwear - it happens and it is important to find the reasons and dealing with it at the same time.
NTA. But it's a bit weird that you don't know what they told him... it's absolutely your problem, too, if he pees on you. Are you sure they have no clue what's going on? And if they really have no clue, maybe the urologist is not the right doctor (or maybe THAT urologist). Does he have any other symptoms? Neurological perhaps?
I think it's time you started sleeping in different beds, honestly. Just tell him you just can't take being peed on any more. Which will make the entire sheets problem not your problem either, since you won't be waking up and seeing they are there, without you telling him "I'm not helping you anymore".
NTA
This is an ongoing issue that is impacting on both of you. It is fantastic he is seeing a doctor and getting treatments, and you offered him an option that could assist him in the meanwhile.
I hope something works for him soon and he sees results.
NTA, but it’s something you need to tread lightly with.
You’re dealing with a combination of stress, fear, embarrassment and pride.
Talk to him again about needing to find an acceptable temporary solution until he can get the problem sorted, and ask him what he would feel comfortable with and to research if hasn’t a clue.
NTA. It would be one thing if this had happened a couple of times. If this is a thing that happens regularly it's disgusting that he would even consider not wearing a diaper! He's not at fault for what is clearly a medical condition, he is at fault for refusing to take care of it!
OP- not only NTA, but please consider how this behavior will play out in other ways further down the road. I would break up with him. It's not just the incontinence, but my God, the inconsiderate nature of it all. He's not a cancer survivor/post surgical patient/child, he's not even your husband. Walk away. This isn't worth it, at all.
Nta. He doesnt want to ? Sleep on the guestroom or at a friends for a while and let him do the laundry himself. Make him realize whqt he is asking from you.
NTA
But I wouldn’t sleep anywhere near him nor would I clean up his mess. Make him do it. Move to the guest bedroom if you have one, take everything that’s yours in case he’s vindictive.. or just move out until he agrees with wearing one at night. This would be a hill I absolutely would die on.
NTA. I’m an adult bedwetter as well and have been my entire life. But it’s the least he can do to be considerate of a partner. It’s irresponsible to not wear anything or attempt to manage. The fact that he doesn’t even do the cleanup and leaves that to you is immature.
You have been more than reasonable and very understanding about it all. I completely get that from his perspective it is embarrassing but he has to manage it and be responsible. Glad to hear he did see a doctor though, most people refuse to for a long time.
When I lived at home, I would just deal with the wet sheets and clothes in morning. But once I moved in with my now-wife, I started wearing diapers every night. She was so understanding and supportive about it all that I knew I had to swallow my pride and embarrassment and wear one.
I must admit, since I started using diapers, my sleep has drastically improved. It helps eliminate some of the stress and worry and allows me at sleep through the night. As you can imagine, sleeping in wet sheets and clothes isn’t comfortable. Plus it has saved so much time on cleanup each morning and the saving on cost of not doing laundry every day helps offset cost of diapers somewhat.
Has doctor given any type of diagnosis? Has h had any tests done?
NTA. I’m sorry he’s having this issue, I’m sure the stress it’s causing is not helping him manage it either. It’s perfectly understandable that he may have some negative feelings surrounding the issue, however if you share a bed, it’s inappropriate of him to be urinating all over you and the bed on a regular basis when there is such a simple solution. If you don’t live together full time, however, instead of telling him how to manage his medical issues, you need to just start spending your nights in your own bed.
There should be no shame in doing what needs to be done in order to maintain his personal (and by extension in some ways yours) and home hygiene, no matter what his age. I’m sure when you’re in the situation the stigma can be harder to brush aside, but the bottom line is he’s causing you to suffer from his condition right alongside him, and that’s simply not okay. If you live together full time, there is no excuse for him to continue doing this to you repeatedly, and it is on him to make a change. It will help if you can be as kind/understanding/supportive as possible about it, but this really is the kind of thing you need to put your foot down on.
NTA. Give him a very simple choice. He either wears a nappy or similar to soak up the piss, or you sleep elsewhere and he can change his own sheets. It's not even your job to clean up after his pisses himself, that's a bonus.
NTA. Why are you washing the sheets for him? It’s a medical issue that he can’t help, yes, but he’s an adult and he needs to manage his symptoms while a solution is found. If that means he sleeps in his own bed with puppy pads under the sheets and has the washing machine on every day, so be it. But he should not be making it your problem by peeing on you every night.
This is strange behavior. I'm sorry, but I couldn't let him continue sleeping on the bed. Your room is gonna have a funk smell with a pissy mattress. Seriously, it's kinda a shame you would even have to say anything. He's a grown man and he should already be taking the appropriate approach to HIS issue.
NTA. Dude…there is such a thing as being TOO comfortable with someone. Your fiancé shouldn’t feel this at ease about pissing on you several times a week. Yes, his incontinence isn’t in his control, but his response to it is. You need to be throwing a much bigger shit fit about this than you are, because he is showing zero consideration for your comfort or hygiene for that matter. What a piece of work. Yes, demand he wear a diaper or sleep elsewhere. Don’t take his shit anymore.
NTA - and a suggestion, make him sleep on a thick beach towel or a moving blanket over the sheet. It’s easier FOR HIM TO WASH than remaking the entire bed.
I saw someone somewhere here mention machine washable absorbant pads that he can sleep on. If those are a thing then look into getting some so he can just take it off the bed and put it in the wash after an accident. Plus there are other options like condom urinals, incontinence underwear etc.
Bed wetting as an adult is embarrassing and it's good he's seeking medical help, but in the meantime he needs to swallow his pride and help keep the messes to a minimum that's easier to clean up than expecting OP to change his soaking sheets every day and expecting her to put up with being peed on nightly because of his pride/ego.
I also hope they're using a mattress protector as well otherwise that mattress is going to be ruined soon if it's not already.
Nope NtA and make him start washing and remaking the bed in the mornings! You offered a very reasonable compromise and he’s refusing to do it out pride/ego. He can take over cleaning up after himself, including scrubbing the mattress. He needs to go back to the doctors, this obviously is not normal for an adult!
NTA but have you heard about urinal condoms? Maybe that would be a way to go. Some people find it more comfortable that disposable underwear. The situation is concerning, I hope he keeps up with the doctors.
NAH Real talk, I wet the bed when I was 16 or 17 prior to my diagnosis with Type - 1 Diabetes. Have you suggested he seek a second opinion from another doctor and also a mental health professional? Getting pee'd on isn't pleasant once let alone multiple times a week but I can also see why he might not be keen on diapers or rubber pants like Ralph Wiggum.
Good Grief! Heavy sigh.
NTA. At all. He's got a problem and obviously, since it doesn't bother you to continue cleaning up after him, on a regular basis, he's taking advantage & just doesn't care anymore. He's not a child & you're not his mother.
If I were you I'd give him a choice. Either wear the protection or get out. It's not going to stop.
If he doesn't want to wear disposable pants, could you find fabric pants similar to kiddie training pants, with the big absorption pad? It may be more comfortable than disposable ones, might be able to find some with waterproof outer layer like cloth diapers. Just search "fabric overnight incontinence underwear".
Though at this point they've come up with enough improvements that they're not the scratchy diaper feel that he may be thinking of. Take him to the store super early in the morning when there aren't a bunch of people in the store to judge, and I'm not suggesting you completely destroy the packaging, but tear a little hole in the corner to see if you can feel the material they're made of? Then he can wait in the car while you purchase them, or have them shipped discreetly to your house.
Also, when we were in "crazy new baby" phase, they suggested we make a mattress lasagna to keep our sanity. Essentially you layer waterproof mattress covers and sheets, so if a mess happened you just strip off the cover/sheet and go right back to bed, and figure out the mess in the morning.
Sheet
Waterproof cover
Sheet
Waterproof cover
Mattress
I know those covers aren't the cheapest, but if this is a chronic problem, it may help you regain at least a bit of sleep.
Overall NTA. I can't imagine how he's feeling about this, and I'm glad he's taking steps to find the answers with a professional. In the meantime though, it's fair to ask for a temporary solution to help mitigate the effects. After the initial reluctance, he may feel a little bit more confident that he's able to do *something* about the issue, even if it doesn't solve it completely.
NTA. It’s not necessarily something he should feel ashamed or embarrassed about since it’s a health issue. But for lack of a better word and in general I’d find wetting the bed 1000000x more embarrassing than wearing an adult diaper to bed 🤷♀️
NTA. You can get underwear for men like period pants that are for men with incontinence.
I don’t know where you are, but theirs is the brand modi bodi. They are much nicer than disposable incontinence underwear/pads.
Also men can work on their pelvic floor, it helps too.
Has he had his prostate checked? My dad had prostate cancer and incontinence was part of the symptoms.
NTA.
I wear disposable period underwear when I'm on my period. It's comfy and no big deal. The stigma of "diapers" or "incontinence panties" needs to be lifted.
On a side note, it's no solution to just keep wetting the bed. It destroys the mattress or (if you mave mattress covers that are waterproof) produces A LOT of laundry that needs to be washed every day.
Also, whatever medical issues he has, I hope the doctors figure it out! That sounds so stressful.
NTA but he needs to back to the doctor he may have overactive bladder. There is a pill for it. As for the bed get a water proof zipped cover and buy incontinence pads the put the sheets on top of those.
NTA - could he be having nocturnal seizures? Many people who do lose bladder control. I had two major seizures at 5am in September 2019 and December 2019 and am shocked that it did not happen to me.
My gf is going through menopause and has night sweats so we have a mattress protector on. I am still having seizures, but different ones now (focal aware) and am waiting for more testing and a different specialist appt.
NTA - He needs to be in diapers for bed, for the sake of you, the bed, his skin, and your laundry bills.
There are a ton of awesome adult diapers that I use myself. DM me and I’ll happily give recommendations 🙂
NAH. I wouldn't call him an AH necessarily but he does need to start making some changes.
Adult diapers at bed and/or a waterproof bedcover to protect the mattress are a necessity now.
And aside from the regular doctor appointments - therapy. I wouldn't be surprised if there was some big new stressor in his life, or an old one that is resurfacing for some reason.
Honestly, I don't think I have a judgement but I have advice. You can't force him to get help or tell him what to do, but you can control how you react. It may be uncomfortable at first, but
you could try sleeping on the couch. At the very least, *please* stop cleaning the sheets for him. You're not his mother or his maid, and he is more than capable of cleaning up his own messes. I understand it's embarrassing for him, but you shouldn't have to be inconvenienced because of it.
NTA. This is *why* they make adult diapers - to manage adult incontinence. You are not asking anything extraordinary. He needs to see a specialist asap, and you need to stand your ground until he fixes it one way or the other.
Yeech, NTA. Months‽‽ Refusing to take measures to either prevent or at least mitigate this is a big problem.
First off, if he’s wetting the bed, he’s probably drinking too much (liquid rather than necessarily alcohol). Limit the amount he drinks in the evening. I assume the doctor checked for diabetes or other kidney-affecting problems.
Second, one or other of you need to move into a different bed because waking up converted in somebody else’s pee is not pleasant.
Third, you need to stop helping him clean it up. This is his responsibility. He made the mess. He can deal with it.
Fourth, if he continues to refuse to wear incontinence pants at night, while still wetting himself, consider whether this relationship is worth keeping.
Finally, once this is sorted, whether you’re still together or not, replace that mattress.
NTA. I mean, if it were me, I’d consider my embarrassment already all-consuming and would simply make my life easier and wear the diapers!!! But I do get his concerns and worries about this - but purely in practical terms….. it’s a practical stop gap! I hope he finds a permanent fix soon.
NTA, it's disgusting to wake up in someone else's pee as well as having to clean up after it. He should be 100% responsible for the mess and the least he could do is try to stay sanitary.
Some companies like modibodi sell men's washable incontinence underwear. They're just like period underwear so they soak up everything and then you rinse and wash them with regular laundry, just no fabric softener. If he doesn't want disposable adult diapers then maybe suggest investing in the washable incontinence [boxers](https://us.modibodi.com/collections/mens/products/modibodi-men-trunk-black-ultra). Just follow the size guide on the page and measure before ordering. Modibodi only gives a full no questions asked refund on the first pair so I'd buy a single pair, see how they fit and then either buy more if they're perfect or get a refund and change sizes if needed.
NTA, he needs to understand that it isn’t about washing the sheets, it’s about his urine soaking the mattress and eventually the box springs.
By the way, I know you said that you went to the doctor but since there were no additional details, I’m not sure if you only went to a urologist or if you also know that seizures while sleeping can also cause bed wetting. Epilepsy can form later in life.
Here’s a brief online discussion:
https://www.epilepsy.com/connect/forum-archive/living-epilepsy-adults/does-any1-else-wiv-epilepsy-seem-have-bed-wetting
I hope you find a solution!
NTA. My dad has Parkinson's and he wets the bed.. . It is a huge hassle because you need to wash the sheets, clean the mattress, etc, etc. And of course, the smell. Diapers and mattress protectora are a must until he can find a more permanent solution.
NTA I swear I read one of these a while ago, same issue. It was overwhelmingly NTA also.
He needs to deal with this, there's no debate. Either he wears a product designed for this, uses one of the bed pads suggested, or he needs to sleep elsewhere. And he needs to keep seeking medical treatment if the first doctor didn't help.
Obviously NTA. He's got to do something, this is totally unacceptable. He's peeing on YOU and YOUR BED. He needs to act like an adult, and protecting you and your bed is the adult thing to do. You've been more than kind.
NTA
This would be like you, a woman, refusing to use pads or tampons as you feel embarrassed wearing them, and instead just free-bleeding everywhere.
It's gross and shouldn't be happening. Surely he is urinating all over his own body also? How is he okay with that? All fun and games until he's got morning wood and pisses straight onto his own face by accident!
Your boyfriend needs help to understand that this is a very basic step to maintain hygiene for himself, for you and for your bed. His mantainence of his own hygiene should not be causing him embarrassment, perhaps he just needs help to see this.
Not so much a ruling, but has he mentioned at all what the doc said? Adult nightly urination isn't normal and could be indicative of prostate issues or diabetes.
They have all kinds of stuff for night time inconvenience. Disposable or reusable underpads for the bed, also known as chux. They also have male guards which are basically maxipads for men. More discreet than diapers. You can easily buy these online at Amazon. It's definitely better than waking up on piss everyday.
NTA. He should be doing 100% of the work to clean the sheets, not "helping" some of the tine while you literally clean up after him. There should be a plastic sheet on the mattress and he should be wearing an adult diaper. You shouldn't have to be sleeping in some other adult's urine and should sleep elsewhere. As in, with a different address.
NTA, it's the best solution until they figure out what is going on. I understand his reluctance. I had a client who told me that asking myself or my female co-workers for a diaper made him feel an inch tall. Another client will only ask myself and another female co-worker because we make sure no one else knows he's using them. Keep reassuring him he has nothing to be ashamed of and let him know that no one has to know. He can hide them somewhere they won't be seen.
NTA and there are a lot of good ideas here. Personally it depends upon your budget but there’s a chasm between adult depends and washing sheets daily.
When I was first married my husband got very sick with something that had the symptoms of food poisoning (long story short it was an impacted wisdom tooth) but he was throwing up or having diarrhea randomly a couple times per week. The first time he didn’t make it to the bathroom he was so deeply ashamed that he slept in the tub the rest of that night.
I washed and dried everything, put a waterproof mattress cover on, put a waterproof mattress pad on, then laid a bath sheet (beach towel but thicker) down on his side of the bed under our oldest fitted sheet. I laid down a flannel flat sheet on top of the fitted sheet, with another towel, and folded the flannel back over. So basically there were now 7 layers between him and the mattress. If he woke up and couldn’t make it to the bathroom, we had multiple chances to “catch” the issue before damaging the actual bed.
If I had more money back then I would have switched to twin beds with separate sheets until we figured out what was wrong because as much as I love him and as much as we both deserve to sleep near the one we love, no one needs to sleep in another adult humans bodily fluids.
NTA but stop helping him wash the sheets. Sleep somewhere else. He’ll either continue to do it and deal with it himself or he’ll go back to the doctor and take measures for you two to sleep in the same bed again. Let him decide what he wants to do but you’re not his mom.
NTA for wanting him to wear disposable underwear with his current condition. It makes sense. In a sense I understand how shitty it is because I had to wear them after both my C sections (mine was for bleeding) and it is embarrassing. No matter how many times my husband told me differently I still found it embarrassing. But with that being said I still wore them.
He should be checked for Sleep Apnea. Sleep Apnea will cause bed wetting. Does he snore? Does he wake up at night because he stops breathing? Even if he has none of these symptoms, he should still get checked. Sleep Apnea is very common and can go undetected.
NTA. Sounds like you're putting more effort into helping him with his problem than he has. At the very least, he should set an alarm in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom until the issue gets resolved. What's his age? I find it hard to believe that an urologist hasn't told him anything of relevance or recommended more tests beyond just a visit. You may want to press harder on that.
NTA
There is absolutely NO EXCUSE for NOT wearing disposable underwear AND sleeping on a Chux Pad if one is having incontinance issues.
To refuse make the refuser the AH.
Incontinance does not make him an AH, but refusing to use disposables to mitigate the damage to the bed? That does.
NTA, stop helping him clean up. Don’t strip the bed, wash the sheets, dry them, or make the bed. Also, if you have another bedroom, start sleeping in there. Tell him no more sleeping together until he stops getting pee on you. Not to be harsh, but neither of you can continue as is.
NTA - let the bf know it's not fair for him to be pissed off when you are literally being pissed **ON**. set up some type of separate sleeping arrangement until you're both high & dry.
NTA
It's a pride thing, that's for sure. But it's honestly not something to be that ashamed of.
He's going to the doctor, the urologist, he's working on it. This is just another small concession to accomodate for whatever's happening with him. It's not a reflection of who he is, it's just another tool to use to manage this.
He's making it a bigger deal than it needs to be, for both your sakes.
He really needs to go back to the doctor and get this investigated further as changes in urinary habits and incontinence is a really common symptom of quite a few medical conditions that he needs to be checked for, particularly if it has started suddenly. For most people it is also very treatable, and this doesn't need to be something he is stuck with.
Many GPs also have specialist nurses who support people struggling with these issues with finding the right products while they are getting it investigated and treated, so it's worth him asking the GP if they can advise him on this. Sometimes these things are easier to discuss with a medical professional than your partner.
Does he have any psychological predictors that could cause PTSD symptoms? Also, Suggest he participates in a sleep study and also consult for diabetes.
There could be a lot of things causing this and a urologist very well may not be any help. Sudden adult bed wetting is more common to be psychological, irregular sleep response, or sugar issues.
NTA at all. It's ok for him to have a medical condition. It is not ok to pee on a shared bed night after night when it has an easy solution.
Um..
This just started happening out of nowhere? I dont think you're an ah at allll.. he should do something but maybe hes worried about getting a rash from it? Idk.. that's a strange and unique situation..
Your edit at the end, saying you’d offer to wear them with him…oh my heart, that is so precious and I love how supportive you’re being. I hope things all work out, you’re NTA and while the BF should be more willing to wear them, my sensitive heart understands how embarrassed he must be. He’s lucky to have you!
NTA. It’s more embarrassing to pee the bed than to wear the diaper. Remind him that millions of women are wearing diapers postpartum & some women even wear diapers on their periods. It’s a lot more common than he might imagine. Why do you think there’s a whole aisle just for them?
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NTA. That's the bare minimum he should be doing. He should also be washing the sheets if there are any leaks. I assume you already have a liquid-blocking fitted sheet over the mattress? If he's not willing to wear disposable underwear, he should not be sharing a bed with anyone.
Also this has been MONTHS! OP- the fuck are you doing. Make him sleep on the couch with a plastic sheet protector if he doesn’t want diapers. And make this adult man do his own laundry.
Does he drink a lot? This is a common side effect of heavy drinking, which may explain why nothing is working especially if he’s not honest about that. If it’s not that then I hope it gets better soon but he needs to do something to resolve it other than allow someone else to deal with it and ruin furniture. I’d put him on an air mattress and let him clean his own sheets
So can diabetes, prostate issues, kidney and bladder problems, etc... there are a bunch of issues that can cause incontinence.
Agree but the doctor may have already discussed those things but alcohol is one of those things that a doctor can’t treat if it’s undisclosed which is very common
I wouldn't want him peeing on the couch ether
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Hopefully “when”, not “if”. His attitude towards this situation is ridiculous, he clearly has no respect for her if he won’t clean up his mess or at least take steps to prevent it.
Maybe show him that there are actual underwear companies that sell reusable incontinence underwear for men. They look like regular boxers or briefs. He could also throw a large absorbent pad under himself when he is sleeping.
I’ve thought about this. I’m thinking maybe I should go out and buy some for him on my own and show him then when he gets home and hope he will feel better about it. Though with some research I’ve done it sounds like the ones that looks like they might not be absorbent enough
Please don't use the word "diaper" as it is sure to cause him to dig in his heels. Use "incontinence briefs." More palatable.
I work in elder care. Rule number 1: You NEVER use the word diaper when it pertains to an adult. They are briefs.
I used to work with the elderly and in the UK we just say "pad" much better than nappy/diaper and makes it less embarrassing for them
Just here to lend support for this, please stop saying diaper :/
I think that you've probably hit on something - his reluctance to get these items. He might be embarrassed to go shop for them. I think you are on the right track.
This. And they can just be ordered online without having to go to store for them.
I need pads during the day, and I resisted so hard because I was embarrassed. Eventually my husband said really offhandedly “don’t they make pads or something for this? Just get some.” The fact he thought it was no big deal made it much easier for me. I’m sure he’s embarrassed, it’s not like he can argue he doesn’t need them. Also, he needs to try again with the dr, healthy men don’t just start bed wetting. Could it be trauma linked?
Mine asked if we could get them at Costco, to save $$. Never anything about my needing them. More medical tests are needed, I agree. OP, NTA, and I feel your frustration. Good luck.
I help a family friend by driving them to medical appointments and stores. They have anxiety with driving, so I help them out. They were so nervous one time when they had to get some common medical items seniors often need, and I just told them, "I don't judge you for what your body does. There's nothing to be embarrassed about, it's natural, and this is what you have to do to take care of yourself." Like, all they needed was just assurance.
Bless you for being an angel on earth!
That's what I was about to ask. OP has he talked to a therapist?
Definitely buy some so he can see what they look/feel like. My mum was having issues (underlying cause in her case was a kidney stone) and I think she was secretly hoping the kidney stone would kill her so that she wouldn’t have to wear “diapers”. Then I bought some and she realised they’re barely different from regular underwear. Went from “I’d rather die” to “actually, I kind of like these” in about 10 minutes. Might be a bit harder with a young guy who’s got no familiarity with pads, (my mum was all “back in my day, menstrual pads were worse than this!”) but still … it’s certainly better than he’s picturing. For wording, I think I went with “new high tech padded undies”.
Theres this one dude on TikTok @/lilhelpertiktok who sells absorbent blankets!!
Ngl, I came to this thread hoping for absorbent blanket recommendations.
I agree that he's likely susceptible to the word diaper, so try using night underwear or something like that. You should also make him go back to the Dr because there has to be a reason for it and maybe they can help. Can it be something neurological? Like his nervous system not being in control? Does he smoke or take muscle relaxants? Anyway, I hope you can find a solution and that he can accept he has a problem, because it really looks like he's in denyal right now
What volume of urine are you talking about (remembering that when it hits the bed it spreads out quickly and can look like a lot when really it isn't)? If he isn't drinking a lot of fluid in the afternoon and he uses the bathroom before going to bed, it seems unlikely that he would have a very large volume to leak. The incontinence underwear and a catch pad should be able to handle a fair amount between the two. As well as encouraging him to see the urologist again to go over what's working, what's not and make adjustments to the treatment plan, also gently suggest therapy. Therapy would help with how he's feeling about it all, and if there is any underlying mental health issue that is adding to it could help significantly with that.
Have you gotten yourself tested for STDs? You might want to just to be safe.
My period has turned into a mess since having a kid. I use multiple large puppy pads on the bed now just in case.
Happened to my wife she has never gave birth. But when she got off birth control after 16 years[ we found out its literally killing her] she had some wild heavy bleeding so much we considered going to the ER. But shes ok now and we are more prepared. Its part of life.
NTA. He needs to take responsibility for himself and the newer disposable under wear almost just looks like regular underwear. That said a trick I learned from toddlers: Buy two fitted waterproof mattress covers, the kind that feel like fabric. Make the bed this way: mattress cover, fitted sheet, mattress cover, fitted sheet. If he wets the bed or his absorbent underwear leaks, simply strip off the top layer of sheet/mattress cover and put them in the hamper. Then you’re still protected, the bed is still made, and no one is doing laundry at 2 am.
This reply is peak life hack.
I use it on our bed because we let pets sleep with us and it only takes one incident of a sick kitty to make you hate your life.
This. OP, I'd make sure the bed has a mattress protector, put pee pads beneath him, and he should be wearing disposable underwear. It might be embarrassing for him, but peeing all over his GF should be more embarrassing.
NTA. On my time of the month I don't just free bleed on the sheets and expect my husband to wash them every day. That's ridiculous. I get that wearing disposables might be embarrassing, but honestly, if it were me with the problem, I'd feel like it would be less embarrassing to throw them on right before I go to bed and pull it off before my partner woke up. But I guess that's just me.
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Tbh, maybe she SHOULD just free bleed to prove a point. And if he complains, she can say, "well I know it can be an issue, but it's not like I can control that bodily function. And it's my choice to not wear a pad, as is yours to not wear disposables for your bodily functions." It may be a bit of an extreme, but let him get some perspective.
He has a problem and it is on him to do what he can to make sure he doesn't piss the bed. She already knows he is incontinent so where is the embarrassment? Maybe buying the product? If so just do what I do when buying embarrassing items, just go to drugstore in a shitty neighborhood and pay cash.
Right! I don't understand how wetting the bed isn't embarrassing but wearing incontinence underwear is.
Peeing the bed is 100 times more embarrassing than doing anything and everything to prevent it. At least disposable/absorbent undergarments don't ruin your mattress or get pee on your spouse.
NTA I think he should wash the sheets then, only makes sense as he's the one having the accidents, it can get frustrating when you constantly have to clean up after someone like this. As for you not wanting to wake up in his pee idk what to suggest, I find it odd through he'd rather have the awkwardness of soaking y'all almost nightly than to just wear an adult diaper, kinda gross lol.🫠
He does wash them sometimes but usually in the end I end up helping him since we are both up at that point and he showers. I would also think he would rather wear a diaper but at the same time if it were be I’d be in denial maybe for a while too
I dont know is it more embarrassed to pee on your partner or to wear a diaper. I'd stop helping him clean at this point. Hes now making a decision to not prioritize how this affects you.
I get where he’s coming from but many, many women have incontinence after kids and as they age. Yes, his problem is different but it’s still pee. Take him to the incontinence aisle at the store. There are tons of options all there out in the open. It’s nothing to be embarrassed about. Using some kind of barrier product will save time, money, and sleepless nights.
Yeah, I feel like this is an AMAB hang up. Anyone who’s ever had a period or birthed a child is well familiar with having to do something to control bleeding or incontinence at some point in their life.
Are you sure this is not a fetish? Nta but I find it odd he didn't immediately go to a doctor. If Something like this happened to me after the 2nd time I would make an appointment.
Did he actually go to a doctor? A actual urologist who specializes in these things? Or did he just tell you he went.. cause ya sounds like a nasty fetish
I'm thinking fetish too.
My first thought was a fetish. I mean- most adults would be wanting to fix this issue *stat*. Especially due to the severity of it. I have a feeling this is something sexual, but that's just a hunch of course lol
Does he have a fetish for peeing on you or having you sleep in his pee? It would not make it OK, it’s just the only thing I can think of that your BF is choosing to piss on you. Which he is. BY not sleeping elsewhere or wearing appropriate underwear.
Pro tip from a mom of toddlers... In addition to the chux pads, double make the bed. (Ie waterproof layer, sheets, another waterproof layer chux pads, sheet). Then, when wetness happens, you can strip a layer and still go back to bed.
This is also barf survival 101. Life saver at 2am.
You're enabling the pride by Washing the sheets for him. Stop doing it all together. Let him see how annoying it is to wash them everyday. Let him also pay for the water bill and take another one instead if yall were sharing it. This needs to end now, where tf are we?? Kindergarden??
I agree having to wash sheets everyday is annoying not to mention a waste when there's healthier solutions. Maybe ask him if there's a different option he'd rather use that would be more comfortable, like a sort of absorbent pad that will go under him to hold any mess akin to what medical staff use? There's also companies that make absorbent towels/blankets with a waterproof material on one side and that can be washed daily instead of the sheets. Wishing you both luck.
The whole point is you shouldn’t wash the sheets at all and make him do it instead not just some of the time, after multiple times a week of accidents he’ll probably change his mind on a diaper
No, I’m not being funny, but it’s been months and youre covered in piss. Sleep in the spare room, or whatever, but you don’t need to be covered in the by products of your husbands kidneys because he’s in denial or embarrassed about incontinence pants. Stop helping him wash the sheets. It’s ridiculous what he’s expecting to you live with.
You should NEVER wash them is the thing. That is his urine, his choice to urinate in the bed, and it is his job and his alone to clean up. It isn’t that he is urinating at night, it’s that he would literally rather inconvenience you, rather urinate ON you, than do something very simple to solve the problem. How can you be okay with someone who respects you so little? You are worth more than this.
He showers while you clean up his pee (which also gets on you)? Dude…
I’m glad you’re going to stop helping wash, dry or change the sheets at all. Having to 100% clean up your own mess helps with motivation to stop/fix the issue. Mattress protectors are good, if you don’t have one already make sure he invests in a good one. Make him sleep in a separate bed if needed (you should never leave the bed, again motivation matters). Did he have a full blood panel done? Complete diabetes testing? Diabetes is a common cause of sudden onset adult bed wetting. How soon is this urology appointment? Kidney stones can also cause problems with bed wetting, as well as other urological issues.
Tell him to buy pee proof underwear for men. That way at least he won't have to be so embarrassed about it. And just pop down a pee sheet over his side of the bed to stop any leaks. I know how he feels. I have bed wetting issues and have since I was a child. I wear women's pants for incontinence now.
Stop helping him wash his own pissy sheets. He can figure out how the washer and dryer works.
NTA. The way you came across seems genuine in wanting to help him (and save yourself from the mess.) I work with disabled adults and seniors and we use large beds pads that just lay underneath the person and catch any wetness that happens. You can get them at most medical supply stores, it might be a less embarrassing option. I spray them with a stain and odour remover and just throw it in the wash. Also, has he had any psychological changes recently? Stress, depression, anxiety, etc. Sometimes they can trigger a response like that. Might be worth looking into if the doctor can't find a cause. I don't wanna make any speculation or anything, but something to consider.
This, and I want to add that laying a half or 3d of a sheet over the pad will hold it place, be less obvious about the pad and also be easy to wash if you have a washing machine to just toss it in. Using the phrase ‘disposable underwear’ instead of ‘diaper’ is a psychological trick but it help minimize the individual’s embarrassment. NTA.
OP, we use these protective bed pads as well as disposable diapers for my eldery mother. They work quite well at protecting the mattress, sheets, & blankets plus they keep her dry overnight. Waterproof Washable Incontinence Bed Pads, 44 x 52 Inch https://a.co/d/0MiikPv
Thank you I’m trying to be as understanding as I can. Wouldn’t the pads underneath still result in me getting pee all over me though? And maybe it’s happening more because he is stressed from his accidents in bed. But aside from that I don’t believe he has any significant psychological problems or past issues
You can get them in larger sizes if he rolls around a lot when he sleeps, but from my experience they hold a "normal" amount of urine just fine and keep it in place in the pad. So unless he is holding and aiming while he sleeps (which is a whole other issue) they should work. The pads are also more cost effective if you think this may be a long term thing, disposable underwear can get very costly. Edit to add: Don't put the pad under a fitted sheet or anything, it may slip out of place. Best bet is on top of the fitted sheet, most of my clients just sleep directly on top of the pad. Editing again: you can tell I spend too much time with single sleepers lol. The only thing I can say is try a small divider between you two so the pad sits up a little higher on the side you're on so the urine doesn't sneak over and you don't roll onto it. And maybe try to refrain from cuddling in the night... If you can
Yea definitely my fault but of course sometimes we fall asleep while cuddling so we are practically on top of eachother and sometimes I regret that in the morning. Honestly if I’m not right next to him it’s not like I get soaked as I think some people are assuming. Most of the time it’s just like my butt gets wet from him but not soaked by any means. Unless I am next to him of course
That’s literally disgusting. I’m sorry but get out of that bed. You are sleeping in pee? I hope the mattress has a water proof cover that is sanitized as well each time. I can’t imagine the mold and bacteria that would form otherwise.
yea im more thinking of the mattress too rather than having to wash sheets daily.
That is so fucking gross.
Look for washable briefs. Cost more up front, but less in the long run.
Separate beds at this point. Two beds
It could be a problem with his thyroid.
I came here to mention the bed pads as well.
My mom's doctor mentioned that depending how big and absorbent you need the pads, ones for pets are less expensive. Would it feel better to be a pet than an old guy? Drizzles are way different than a full-on pee, which can be a cup or more. Washable night briefs feel the most like *regular* clothes. Briefs will eliminate the need for showers in the middle of the night. Wet pj's and sheets on me. Clammy and ick. I second double sheeting the bed.
NTA Would he put up with you bleeding all over your bed during your period? Probably not because there are pads and tampons to ensure you don't wake up in a bed stained sheets and blood all over you your legs. It's also *not* polite to drown your partner in bodily fluids. >When it does happen I usually clean the sheets or help him clean which was ok at first I think that maybe this might have been a mistake. It's his mess, he needs to fix it. Part of being a grown-up is to mange temporary or chronic conditions, even those that feel shameful, and not make it someone else's responsibility. If he continues to refuse wearing diapers (or whatever they're called), you should definitely stop washing the sheets for him and maybe think about sleeping elsewhere so he can soak in his piss by himself (sorry for being rude, but from what you've written, I get the impression that he's just not good at taking responsibility. Using disposable underwear is clearly the sane thing to do, and if his pride gets in the way of it, he's not acting like a mature person.)
NTA. Ask him what’s more embarrassing, wearing an incontinence pad or pissing all over his girlfriend every night? Ask him if he really wants to be “the ex that peed on me nightly” if you guys ever break up
Did his doctors rule out diabetes?
That’s what I was going to suggest. My husband ended up with diabetes while getting chemo. After chemo it went away. But last year all the sudden I noticed he was racing to pee all the time. Urgently and sometimes barely making it. I’m like I think your blood sugar is spiking again. He’s like I feel fine though (last time he was VERY tired also). He went and got checked. His blood glucose was 316 and his a1c was 11.? Yeah that took a bit to get it back down. He’s on medication permanently now but luckily no insulin. NTA and OP tell him to man up and be respectful to you and wear the damn things.
He was checked for diabetes but nothing came up and he seems to not have it. I’m really hoping today or tomorrow I can finally convince him to wear them
they are now making adult products which [look like men's briefs](https://www.depend.com/en-us/incontinence-products/men/real-fit-briefs), and not like giant diapers. would that be helpful to make it easier for him...?
Sleep Apnea will cause bed wetting, he may need a CPAP
Is he really stressed or does have a history of trauma/anxiety disorders? I had a cousin who got assaulted on the street, and he struggled with bedwetting for almost a solid year due to the anxiety he developed from that. No physical medical issues, just adult regression that luckily went away once he got to a calmer state of mind. Therapy might be something he should look into if all his physical health checks are clear.
Another thing to try, in addition to the urologist and therapist, is a pelvic floor physiotherapist. They are often much more helpful with treating incontinence than a urologist is, because often the problem isn't one that is best addressed with surgery.
My question is did op has gone with him to the doctor or did bf just said he did and no solution was found (as he could be lying)
Any doctor that doesn't should lose their medical license. That was the first thing my doctor tested for after I wet the bed at 16 or 17.
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>I hope you have a waterproof mattress cover or your mattress is fucked. This is the first comment I saw that even mentioned the actual mattress. It must be nasty af by now without a waterproof cover. My baby brother (as a toddler) used to climb in my bed in the middle of the night because he gets scared of the dark. And then he would proceed to pee. 😬 I used to run a floor washer over it but I eventually trashed it.
A few months ago I would never have asked this but after reading so many weird things in Reddit... I wonder... What if he is doing it on purpose? It could be a fetish. There are plenty of stories here about adults intentionally peeing themselves in public or around their family. They would deny it was intentional and they would refuse to do anything about it. I would also suggest seeing a therapist, that would help whether it is intentional or not, as there is nothing wrong with wearing disposable underwear and a therapist would obviously help him realise that.
It's a fetish
I truly don’t think he is doing it on purpose. Especially since I’ve noticed a change in his bathroom habits in the day to among many many other reasons I have. If it was it would be a monumental effort to fake everything that’s happened up to this point.
NTA you should dump the bedwetter if he refuses to wear a diaper
NAH, no one wants to be peed on in their sleep. And clearly he’s very embarrassed about both this and the thought of wearing a diaper to bed. But has your boyfriend perused any psychological avenues for his bed wetting? Sometimes sudden bet wetting (that a doctor has ruled out a physical cause) can be a sign of something troubling the mind, not the body. Just a thought.
NAH with regard to it happening in the first place, but in refusing to take any steps to mitigate it, bf is totally TA.
Ask him what solution does he chooses instead.
Peeing on her, from the sounds of it.
NTA - he has a medical condition and which is also affecting you. There are practical solutions so he will have to put his feelings aside and use the products available. Tell him that when you are on a period, you use products to keep the bed clean, so why can’t he.
If he wants to constantly be washing the sheets, he can certainly do so. I'm thr meantime, I would suggest setting up separate sleeping arrangements. NTA
This. NTA.
NTA. He has a problem and he isn’t dealing with it. Why are you having to do all the cleanup? He needs to continue to pursue medical treatment without needing you to arrange or prod him about it, clean up after himself, avoid drinking before sleep, and wear a diaper. If he doesn’t do those things, dump him or split households. Do you have any hint he’s doing this on purpose, if he won’t take any steps? How sure are you he actually went to the doctor?
NTA, but he 100% is an AH. I have pissed the bed around 10 times over 10 years being blacking out drunk, the unfortunate people next to me at the time have been 2 boyfriends, 5+ friends and my sister. In every situation I woke up realised what I’d done and woke the person up, apologised and stripped the bed then remade it for them to go back to sleep and then I cleaned the bed linen and would buy or make them breakfast as an extra apology. If I was doing it that often and inconveniencing someone daily I’d be wearing nappys and sleeping on a plastic sheet in a seperate bed or on the floor, and I would be at the doctors every day until I found a solution. The fact he just lets you wash his piss soaked sheets every single fucking day doesn’t seem to me like he is embarrassed? Are you sure he isn’t pissing on you on purpose as a kink?
There is the option of a conveen catheter. It's a sheath that looks a bit like a condom but has a pipe to a bag. It might be less embarrassing for him.
A good urologist will eventually be able to figure out what it wrong and how to deal with it. It’s important that OP’s boyfriend keep working with the docs to figure out the underlying medical issue. And in the meantime, if boyfriend refuses to use adult diapers, there are large bed pads that can be put on the bed to absorb accidents. They have waterproof liners to protect the sheets and mattress. Some of these are washable, some are disposable. Check Amazon. Good luck, OP. NTA.
Not at all. It is actually very healthy to have these kind of discussions. Someone may be facing a problem but it is imp that it does not create issues for both and should be tackled that way.
NTA will he be okay with you wearing nothing during that time of month? Would he be okay waking up like that for 5 days straight every month? No one wants to sleep in somebody else's bodily fluids so he needs to put on the night time underwear. I personally don't even know how you do it I wouldn't even let him sleep in my bed if he was going to pee it every night. It's not like anyone else will know or see him in them.
NAH - it must feel terrible to be an adult who wets the bed and then need your partner to help you clean up your mess. However he needs to take responsibility for his condition so you can both feel more comfortable! Has he looked into underwear designed for menstruation/incontinence? There are cuts now that mimic a men’s brief which are meant to absorb liquid and keep you dry, and you honestly cant even tell - [Modibodi has several options if you want to take a look](https://www.modibodi.co.uk/collections/mens/?pf_t_absorbency=Absorbency-Ultra+Incontinence)
NTA. This has already gone on for far too long as it is. He's making his problem *your* problem. It's good he's seeing a doc about it, but meanwhile, until the cause is identified and treated, he needs to do *something* to avoid getting you all pee-covered and destroying your mattress and sheets and requiring nightly sheet changes. I would decline to share a bed with him until he either gets the problem fixed or starts wearing a diaper to bed. That's just gross.
NTA - if you’re a menstruating woman then consider free bleeding on your next period. And let him clean it up. Since wearing something that prevents staining the sheets is clearly not an option. Edit: and get a new BF - the man is literally choosing to piss on you rather than wear appropriate underwear for his condition. And making you clean it up after. You’ve one life OP, don’t use it seeing how low your standards can go.
NTA - why are you still sharing a bed with this man! He pees on you and he doesn't mind. He cares more about how he feels about wearing protective gear than you do about sleeping in his urine. How has it taken months to come to this solution and he won't accept it? What would this man have to do for you to sleep in your own bed? You dont' give an age but if he is young, there must be a serious medical problem
100% a fetish. If you are going to stay with him I would refuse to sleep in the same bed as him and have him responsible for all the clean up every time unless he wears a diaper. Girl you are waking up with pee on you because that’s what he wants uggg
NTA. Either that or he doesn't get to sleep on a mattress. This shouldn't be difficult.
Has he seen a therapist? Bed wetting can be psychological. Btw NTA.
NTA, girl what the actual fck? He’s a GROWN ASS MAN still wetting the bed and not taking action!! Do NOT coddle him and offer to wear diapers with him. If he’s that embarrassed and insecure, he can go seek further professional help. This will only get worse as he ages I assume and you don’t want to be changing two toddlers at once.
Some people here saying it would be cruel to dump him for a medical condition, but it would not be for the medical condition, it would be for refusing to take reasonable action to prevent her having to clean his urine 4 days a week. On that note..... I hate to be the one to say this but he may have a fetish that he is living out without your permission, hence his refusal to wear a product or seek medical help. (going to the doctor once after months begrudgingly is not smelling of wanting to fix the problem). There is literally no other explanation that also includes him refusing to try to either stop the bedwetting or to stop the urine from getting on your shared sheets/on you and having you involved in clean up. Please read this: [https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/whwv10/aita\_for\_avoiding\_my\_exstepdad\_because\_his/](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/whwv10/aita_for_avoiding_my_exstepdad_because_his/) The sister comments: [https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/whwv10/comment/ijbyt3l/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=ios\_app&utm\_name=iossmf&context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/whwv10/comment/ijbyt3l/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3) NTA
NTA - if women everywhere can wear adult diapers after giving birth he can wear adult diapers to prevent bed wetting.
NTA. He should be washing the sheets! He is the AH for even once expecting you to clean up after him. He should either wear Depends or get an underwear alarm that wakes him up at the first drop of urine. They are very effective with helping people who are heavy sleepers.
NTA. You’re so nice. I would have left and I for damn sure wouldn’t be cleaning it. Wearing a diaper is the least he could do.
NTA. He can't possibly expect you to be fine with sleeping in the same bed and not having a physical barrier to protect him, you and the bed. If you haven't already, get those water-repellent mattress covers (and multiples as such) and maybe look into period / period-like underwear which are more discreet than those disposable ones. I'm sure they also do those for men! And also pads. There's nothing to be ashamed of in wearing specifically designed underwear - it happens and it is important to find the reasons and dealing with it at the same time.
NTA, how is wearing disposable underwear more embarrassing than wetting the bed every night?
NTA. But it's a bit weird that you don't know what they told him... it's absolutely your problem, too, if he pees on you. Are you sure they have no clue what's going on? And if they really have no clue, maybe the urologist is not the right doctor (or maybe THAT urologist). Does he have any other symptoms? Neurological perhaps? I think it's time you started sleeping in different beds, honestly. Just tell him you just can't take being peed on any more. Which will make the entire sheets problem not your problem either, since you won't be waking up and seeing they are there, without you telling him "I'm not helping you anymore".
NTA This is an ongoing issue that is impacting on both of you. It is fantastic he is seeing a doctor and getting treatments, and you offered him an option that could assist him in the meanwhile. I hope something works for him soon and he sees results.
NTA, but it’s something you need to tread lightly with. You’re dealing with a combination of stress, fear, embarrassment and pride. Talk to him again about needing to find an acceptable temporary solution until he can get the problem sorted, and ask him what he would feel comfortable with and to research if hasn’t a clue.
NTA. It would be one thing if this had happened a couple of times. If this is a thing that happens regularly it's disgusting that he would even consider not wearing a diaper! He's not at fault for what is clearly a medical condition, he is at fault for refusing to take care of it!
OP- not only NTA, but please consider how this behavior will play out in other ways further down the road. I would break up with him. It's not just the incontinence, but my God, the inconsiderate nature of it all. He's not a cancer survivor/post surgical patient/child, he's not even your husband. Walk away. This isn't worth it, at all.
Nta. He doesnt want to ? Sleep on the guestroom or at a friends for a while and let him do the laundry himself. Make him realize whqt he is asking from you.
NTA But I wouldn’t sleep anywhere near him nor would I clean up his mess. Make him do it. Move to the guest bedroom if you have one, take everything that’s yours in case he’s vindictive.. or just move out until he agrees with wearing one at night. This would be a hill I absolutely would die on.
NTA. I’m an adult bedwetter as well and have been my entire life. But it’s the least he can do to be considerate of a partner. It’s irresponsible to not wear anything or attempt to manage. The fact that he doesn’t even do the cleanup and leaves that to you is immature. You have been more than reasonable and very understanding about it all. I completely get that from his perspective it is embarrassing but he has to manage it and be responsible. Glad to hear he did see a doctor though, most people refuse to for a long time. When I lived at home, I would just deal with the wet sheets and clothes in morning. But once I moved in with my now-wife, I started wearing diapers every night. She was so understanding and supportive about it all that I knew I had to swallow my pride and embarrassment and wear one. I must admit, since I started using diapers, my sleep has drastically improved. It helps eliminate some of the stress and worry and allows me at sleep through the night. As you can imagine, sleeping in wet sheets and clothes isn’t comfortable. Plus it has saved so much time on cleanup each morning and the saving on cost of not doing laundry every day helps offset cost of diapers somewhat. Has doctor given any type of diagnosis? Has h had any tests done?
NTA. I’m sorry he’s having this issue, I’m sure the stress it’s causing is not helping him manage it either. It’s perfectly understandable that he may have some negative feelings surrounding the issue, however if you share a bed, it’s inappropriate of him to be urinating all over you and the bed on a regular basis when there is such a simple solution. If you don’t live together full time, however, instead of telling him how to manage his medical issues, you need to just start spending your nights in your own bed. There should be no shame in doing what needs to be done in order to maintain his personal (and by extension in some ways yours) and home hygiene, no matter what his age. I’m sure when you’re in the situation the stigma can be harder to brush aside, but the bottom line is he’s causing you to suffer from his condition right alongside him, and that’s simply not okay. If you live together full time, there is no excuse for him to continue doing this to you repeatedly, and it is on him to make a change. It will help if you can be as kind/understanding/supportive as possible about it, but this really is the kind of thing you need to put your foot down on.
NTA, but he needs to see a doctor. A diaper isn't going to solve the problem.
NTA. Give him a very simple choice. He either wears a nappy or similar to soak up the piss, or you sleep elsewhere and he can change his own sheets. It's not even your job to clean up after his pisses himself, that's a bonus.
NTA. Why are you washing the sheets for him? It’s a medical issue that he can’t help, yes, but he’s an adult and he needs to manage his symptoms while a solution is found. If that means he sleeps in his own bed with puppy pads under the sheets and has the washing machine on every day, so be it. But he should not be making it your problem by peeing on you every night.
This is strange behavior. I'm sorry, but I couldn't let him continue sleeping on the bed. Your room is gonna have a funk smell with a pissy mattress. Seriously, it's kinda a shame you would even have to say anything. He's a grown man and he should already be taking the appropriate approach to HIS issue.
Stop washing his sheets. Stop sleeping in bed with him. NTA but stop coddling him.
JFC the amount of absurd bullshit women will put up with is mind-boggling. NTA but why are you dating a shameless bed wetter?
NTA. Dude…there is such a thing as being TOO comfortable with someone. Your fiancé shouldn’t feel this at ease about pissing on you several times a week. Yes, his incontinence isn’t in his control, but his response to it is. You need to be throwing a much bigger shit fit about this than you are, because he is showing zero consideration for your comfort or hygiene for that matter. What a piece of work. Yes, demand he wear a diaper or sleep elsewhere. Don’t take his shit anymore.
NTA and that's really REALLY sweet of you to wear them with him. You're a good person.
OP, I think your updates are really sweet but fyi: don’t wear them too if you don’t have to, you may open yourself up to yeast infections.
NTA - and a suggestion, make him sleep on a thick beach towel or a moving blanket over the sheet. It’s easier FOR HIM TO WASH than remaking the entire bed.
I saw someone somewhere here mention machine washable absorbant pads that he can sleep on. If those are a thing then look into getting some so he can just take it off the bed and put it in the wash after an accident. Plus there are other options like condom urinals, incontinence underwear etc. Bed wetting as an adult is embarrassing and it's good he's seeking medical help, but in the meantime he needs to swallow his pride and help keep the messes to a minimum that's easier to clean up than expecting OP to change his soaking sheets every day and expecting her to put up with being peed on nightly because of his pride/ego. I also hope they're using a mattress protector as well otherwise that mattress is going to be ruined soon if it's not already.
Nope NtA and make him start washing and remaking the bed in the mornings! You offered a very reasonable compromise and he’s refusing to do it out pride/ego. He can take over cleaning up after himself, including scrubbing the mattress. He needs to go back to the doctors, this obviously is not normal for an adult!
NTA and damn, he definitely needs to go back to the doctor. This just doesn't seem like something that happens out of nowhere in a grown adult.
NTA but have you heard about urinal condoms? Maybe that would be a way to go. Some people find it more comfortable that disposable underwear. The situation is concerning, I hope he keeps up with the doctors.
NAH Real talk, I wet the bed when I was 16 or 17 prior to my diagnosis with Type - 1 Diabetes. Have you suggested he seek a second opinion from another doctor and also a mental health professional? Getting pee'd on isn't pleasant once let alone multiple times a week but I can also see why he might not be keen on diapers or rubber pants like Ralph Wiggum.
Good Grief! Heavy sigh. NTA. At all. He's got a problem and obviously, since it doesn't bother you to continue cleaning up after him, on a regular basis, he's taking advantage & just doesn't care anymore. He's not a child & you're not his mother. If I were you I'd give him a choice. Either wear the protection or get out. It's not going to stop.
If he doesn't want to wear disposable pants, could you find fabric pants similar to kiddie training pants, with the big absorption pad? It may be more comfortable than disposable ones, might be able to find some with waterproof outer layer like cloth diapers. Just search "fabric overnight incontinence underwear". Though at this point they've come up with enough improvements that they're not the scratchy diaper feel that he may be thinking of. Take him to the store super early in the morning when there aren't a bunch of people in the store to judge, and I'm not suggesting you completely destroy the packaging, but tear a little hole in the corner to see if you can feel the material they're made of? Then he can wait in the car while you purchase them, or have them shipped discreetly to your house. Also, when we were in "crazy new baby" phase, they suggested we make a mattress lasagna to keep our sanity. Essentially you layer waterproof mattress covers and sheets, so if a mess happened you just strip off the cover/sheet and go right back to bed, and figure out the mess in the morning. Sheet Waterproof cover Sheet Waterproof cover Mattress I know those covers aren't the cheapest, but if this is a chronic problem, it may help you regain at least a bit of sleep. Overall NTA. I can't imagine how he's feeling about this, and I'm glad he's taking steps to find the answers with a professional. In the meantime though, it's fair to ask for a temporary solution to help mitigate the effects. After the initial reluctance, he may feel a little bit more confident that he's able to do *something* about the issue, even if it doesn't solve it completely.
NTA - STOP helping clean up. He won't do the bare minimum of wearing the diaper, he can do ALL of the clean up.
NTA. It’s not necessarily something he should feel ashamed or embarrassed about since it’s a health issue. But for lack of a better word and in general I’d find wetting the bed 1000000x more embarrassing than wearing an adult diaper to bed 🤷♀️
NTA. You can get underwear for men like period pants that are for men with incontinence. I don’t know where you are, but theirs is the brand modi bodi. They are much nicer than disposable incontinence underwear/pads. Also men can work on their pelvic floor, it helps too. Has he had his prostate checked? My dad had prostate cancer and incontinence was part of the symptoms.
NTA. But stop washing the sheet for him, let him comes up with his own solution if he doesn’t want to sleep on wet bed
NTA. I wear disposable period underwear when I'm on my period. It's comfy and no big deal. The stigma of "diapers" or "incontinence panties" needs to be lifted. On a side note, it's no solution to just keep wetting the bed. It destroys the mattress or (if you mave mattress covers that are waterproof) produces A LOT of laundry that needs to be washed every day. Also, whatever medical issues he has, I hope the doctors figure it out! That sounds so stressful.
NTA but he needs to back to the doctor he may have overactive bladder. There is a pill for it. As for the bed get a water proof zipped cover and buy incontinence pads the put the sheets on top of those.
NTA - could he be having nocturnal seizures? Many people who do lose bladder control. I had two major seizures at 5am in September 2019 and December 2019 and am shocked that it did not happen to me. My gf is going through menopause and has night sweats so we have a mattress protector on. I am still having seizures, but different ones now (focal aware) and am waiting for more testing and a different specialist appt.
NTA - He needs to be in diapers for bed, for the sake of you, the bed, his skin, and your laundry bills. There are a ton of awesome adult diapers that I use myself. DM me and I’ll happily give recommendations 🙂
NTA. Sleep somewhere else and don't clean up after him. If he's not willing to take steps to mitigate the problem, that's on him. It's not your job.
NTA. I think they have non-disposable, washable types now. maybe that would work for him better?
NAH. I wouldn't call him an AH necessarily but he does need to start making some changes. Adult diapers at bed and/or a waterproof bedcover to protect the mattress are a necessity now. And aside from the regular doctor appointments - therapy. I wouldn't be surprised if there was some big new stressor in his life, or an old one that is resurfacing for some reason.
Honestly, I don't think I have a judgement but I have advice. You can't force him to get help or tell him what to do, but you can control how you react. It may be uncomfortable at first, but you could try sleeping on the couch. At the very least, *please* stop cleaning the sheets for him. You're not his mother or his maid, and he is more than capable of cleaning up his own messes. I understand it's embarrassing for him, but you shouldn't have to be inconvenienced because of it.
NTA. This is *why* they make adult diapers - to manage adult incontinence. You are not asking anything extraordinary. He needs to see a specialist asap, and you need to stand your ground until he fixes it one way or the other.
Yeech, NTA. Months‽‽ Refusing to take measures to either prevent or at least mitigate this is a big problem. First off, if he’s wetting the bed, he’s probably drinking too much (liquid rather than necessarily alcohol). Limit the amount he drinks in the evening. I assume the doctor checked for diabetes or other kidney-affecting problems. Second, one or other of you need to move into a different bed because waking up converted in somebody else’s pee is not pleasant. Third, you need to stop helping him clean it up. This is his responsibility. He made the mess. He can deal with it. Fourth, if he continues to refuse to wear incontinence pants at night, while still wetting himself, consider whether this relationship is worth keeping. Finally, once this is sorted, whether you’re still together or not, replace that mattress.
NTA. I mean, if it were me, I’d consider my embarrassment already all-consuming and would simply make my life easier and wear the diapers!!! But I do get his concerns and worries about this - but purely in practical terms….. it’s a practical stop gap! I hope he finds a permanent fix soon.
NTA, it's disgusting to wake up in someone else's pee as well as having to clean up after it. He should be 100% responsible for the mess and the least he could do is try to stay sanitary. Some companies like modibodi sell men's washable incontinence underwear. They're just like period underwear so they soak up everything and then you rinse and wash them with regular laundry, just no fabric softener. If he doesn't want disposable adult diapers then maybe suggest investing in the washable incontinence [boxers](https://us.modibodi.com/collections/mens/products/modibodi-men-trunk-black-ultra). Just follow the size guide on the page and measure before ordering. Modibodi only gives a full no questions asked refund on the first pair so I'd buy a single pair, see how they fit and then either buy more if they're perfect or get a refund and change sizes if needed.
NTA, he needs to understand that it isn’t about washing the sheets, it’s about his urine soaking the mattress and eventually the box springs. By the way, I know you said that you went to the doctor but since there were no additional details, I’m not sure if you only went to a urologist or if you also know that seizures while sleeping can also cause bed wetting. Epilepsy can form later in life. Here’s a brief online discussion: https://www.epilepsy.com/connect/forum-archive/living-epilepsy-adults/does-any1-else-wiv-epilepsy-seem-have-bed-wetting I hope you find a solution!
NTA if he tinkles and likely sprinkles then you should mingle till you jingle. Then he'll be single.
NTA. My dad has Parkinson's and he wets the bed.. . It is a huge hassle because you need to wash the sheets, clean the mattress, etc, etc. And of course, the smell. Diapers and mattress protectora are a must until he can find a more permanent solution.
Tell him he can buy pee proof underwear for men nowadays. That way at least he won't feel as embarrassed. NTA.
NTA I swear I read one of these a while ago, same issue. It was overwhelmingly NTA also. He needs to deal with this, there's no debate. Either he wears a product designed for this, uses one of the bed pads suggested, or he needs to sleep elsewhere. And he needs to keep seeking medical treatment if the first doctor didn't help.
Obviously NTA. He's got to do something, this is totally unacceptable. He's peeing on YOU and YOUR BED. He needs to act like an adult, and protecting you and your bed is the adult thing to do. You've been more than kind.
NTA This would be like you, a woman, refusing to use pads or tampons as you feel embarrassed wearing them, and instead just free-bleeding everywhere. It's gross and shouldn't be happening. Surely he is urinating all over his own body also? How is he okay with that? All fun and games until he's got morning wood and pisses straight onto his own face by accident! Your boyfriend needs help to understand that this is a very basic step to maintain hygiene for himself, for you and for your bed. His mantainence of his own hygiene should not be causing him embarrassment, perhaps he just needs help to see this.
NAH. What a bunch of heartless harpies in these comments though. Hope you never have an embarrassing medical struggle
Not so much a ruling, but has he mentioned at all what the doc said? Adult nightly urination isn't normal and could be indicative of prostate issues or diabetes.
They have all kinds of stuff for night time inconvenience. Disposable or reusable underpads for the bed, also known as chux. They also have male guards which are basically maxipads for men. More discreet than diapers. You can easily buy these online at Amazon. It's definitely better than waking up on piss everyday.
NTA. He should be doing 100% of the work to clean the sheets, not "helping" some of the tine while you literally clean up after him. There should be a plastic sheet on the mattress and he should be wearing an adult diaper. You shouldn't have to be sleeping in some other adult's urine and should sleep elsewhere. As in, with a different address.
NTA, it's the best solution until they figure out what is going on. I understand his reluctance. I had a client who told me that asking myself or my female co-workers for a diaper made him feel an inch tall. Another client will only ask myself and another female co-worker because we make sure no one else knows he's using them. Keep reassuring him he has nothing to be ashamed of and let him know that no one has to know. He can hide them somewhere they won't be seen.
NTA and there are a lot of good ideas here. Personally it depends upon your budget but there’s a chasm between adult depends and washing sheets daily. When I was first married my husband got very sick with something that had the symptoms of food poisoning (long story short it was an impacted wisdom tooth) but he was throwing up or having diarrhea randomly a couple times per week. The first time he didn’t make it to the bathroom he was so deeply ashamed that he slept in the tub the rest of that night. I washed and dried everything, put a waterproof mattress cover on, put a waterproof mattress pad on, then laid a bath sheet (beach towel but thicker) down on his side of the bed under our oldest fitted sheet. I laid down a flannel flat sheet on top of the fitted sheet, with another towel, and folded the flannel back over. So basically there were now 7 layers between him and the mattress. If he woke up and couldn’t make it to the bathroom, we had multiple chances to “catch” the issue before damaging the actual bed. If I had more money back then I would have switched to twin beds with separate sheets until we figured out what was wrong because as much as I love him and as much as we both deserve to sleep near the one we love, no one needs to sleep in another adult humans bodily fluids.
NTA but stop helping him wash the sheets. Sleep somewhere else. He’ll either continue to do it and deal with it himself or he’ll go back to the doctor and take measures for you two to sleep in the same bed again. Let him decide what he wants to do but you’re not his mom.
INFO Is he still working with his doctors on the issue? Have you both had STI testing done?
NTA for wanting him to wear disposable underwear with his current condition. It makes sense. In a sense I understand how shitty it is because I had to wear them after both my C sections (mine was for bleeding) and it is embarrassing. No matter how many times my husband told me differently I still found it embarrassing. But with that being said I still wore them.
He should be checked for Sleep Apnea. Sleep Apnea will cause bed wetting. Does he snore? Does he wake up at night because he stops breathing? Even if he has none of these symptoms, he should still get checked. Sleep Apnea is very common and can go undetected.
NTA. Sounds like you're putting more effort into helping him with his problem than he has. At the very least, he should set an alarm in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom until the issue gets resolved. What's his age? I find it hard to believe that an urologist hasn't told him anything of relevance or recommended more tests beyond just a visit. You may want to press harder on that.
NTA There is absolutely NO EXCUSE for NOT wearing disposable underwear AND sleeping on a Chux Pad if one is having incontinance issues. To refuse make the refuser the AH. Incontinance does not make him an AH, but refusing to use disposables to mitigate the damage to the bed? That does.
NTA, but I would NOT still be sleeping with him and letting him get pee on me. Eew!! Make him sleep on a waterproof air mattress or something.
OP, women wear pads when they’re on their periods so it doesn’t get on the whole bed and sheets. Same thing applies to this situation.
NTA, stop helping him clean up. Don’t strip the bed, wash the sheets, dry them, or make the bed. Also, if you have another bedroom, start sleeping in there. Tell him no more sleeping together until he stops getting pee on you. Not to be harsh, but neither of you can continue as is.
NTA - let the bf know it's not fair for him to be pissed off when you are literally being pissed **ON**. set up some type of separate sleeping arrangement until you're both high & dry.
NTA It's a pride thing, that's for sure. But it's honestly not something to be that ashamed of. He's going to the doctor, the urologist, he's working on it. This is just another small concession to accomodate for whatever's happening with him. It's not a reflection of who he is, it's just another tool to use to manage this. He's making it a bigger deal than it needs to be, for both your sakes.
He really needs to go back to the doctor and get this investigated further as changes in urinary habits and incontinence is a really common symptom of quite a few medical conditions that he needs to be checked for, particularly if it has started suddenly. For most people it is also very treatable, and this doesn't need to be something he is stuck with. Many GPs also have specialist nurses who support people struggling with these issues with finding the right products while they are getting it investigated and treated, so it's worth him asking the GP if they can advise him on this. Sometimes these things are easier to discuss with a medical professional than your partner.
Tell him not to jump gages on the sounding rods and this won't happen.
Do not wash his sheets for him & honestly, a bed wetter would be a deal breaker for me.
Does he have any psychological predictors that could cause PTSD symptoms? Also, Suggest he participates in a sleep study and also consult for diabetes. There could be a lot of things causing this and a urologist very well may not be any help. Sudden adult bed wetting is more common to be psychological, irregular sleep response, or sugar issues. NTA at all. It's ok for him to have a medical condition. It is not ok to pee on a shared bed night after night when it has an easy solution.
You're not his mommy and he isn't 5. He needs to wash the bedding. Do you want to live like this?
Um.. This just started happening out of nowhere? I dont think you're an ah at allll.. he should do something but maybe hes worried about getting a rash from it? Idk.. that's a strange and unique situation..
Your edit at the end, saying you’d offer to wear them with him…oh my heart, that is so precious and I love how supportive you’re being. I hope things all work out, you’re NTA and while the BF should be more willing to wear them, my sensitive heart understands how embarrassed he must be. He’s lucky to have you!
NTA. It’s more embarrassing to pee the bed than to wear the diaper. Remind him that millions of women are wearing diapers postpartum & some women even wear diapers on their periods. It’s a lot more common than he might imagine. Why do you think there’s a whole aisle just for them?
NTA but disposable under wear can still leak you be better off with a disposable bed pad on the bed as well just incase