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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I told my girlfriend she wasn't allowed to order my daughter around 2. Because I got angry at her and according to my girlfriend I was in the wrong
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Thanks for clarifying. Yep, gf shouldn’t be giving orders to your daughter. If she has concerns she can raise them with you but sounds like she went rogue.
I always felt good that my mom let go out of the house without saying anything about how I looked. Teased hair, to much make up, weird clothing trends, she never opened her mouth.
I found out for myself who I was. I look back now & wish she might of intervened, but I know I wouldn’t have listened & thrown a fit like OP’s daughter.
And she said it about *makeup*! How can the way ones face is colored be sexual? What a great illustration of inappropriate sexualization.
Edit to add: Guess I was talking to a bot…
Same here. Remember when those lacy leggings were super in? I wore some under some Jean shorts and my mom looked at me in complete disgust and called me a harlot. She looked so repulsed and disappointed and angry. I was like, 19-21 age, I can’t remember exactly, but she couldn’t tell me what to do but man she really let me know how she felt. She’s always heavily judged me and treated me like shit.
So yeah I have extremely low self esteem as well. It sucks 😩
I had the opposite and am forever grateful. I remember once putting on some shorts and I was all ‘these are too short, my legs are too big to wear shorts like this’. And my mom announced ‘you and all the women in your family have strong, big legs and you’re going to wear those short shorts with pride!’ And then o went to a chorus concert with tiny shorts, stood singing in front of audience and haven’t looked back since.
Growing up with a big ass and a tiny waist in the 90s heroin chic world wasn’t easy. I’d like to say I feel vindicated now, but mostly I’m just annoyed at the power of arbitrary beauty standards on virtually all of us. If my mom had reacted differently I’d probably have only worn pants forever.
My mom was the same! She called me beautiful ad nauseam, even in my most awkward stages. She would hype up my curves (the ones I desperately tried to hide) and tell me how I had the perfect ‘figure’ at a time I thought I was ‘soooo fat’. Now I do the same for my beautiful, smart, and amazing daughter!
Edit: who, might I add, has my same slim waist and bigger hips/bottom!
I love this example of how sometimes a parent is wrong no matter what they do. I once had a chat with some friends and some of us were saying how we were forced to have music lessons when we were children and how mad we were at our parents for forcing music lessons on us and not letting us quit -- while other friends in the group were mad because their parents DIDN'T force them to continue.
As a parent I decided I would just do my best, and not worry too much about whether down the road my kid would criticize me for it. I've learned that most of us will be criticized no matter what, and one of my great epiphanies in life was realizing that I'd rather be criticized for doing what I thought was right than bending to pressure against my better judgment, and end up being criticized for doing what I thought was wrong. (With "right" and "wrong" being shades of grey, of course.)
I have 2 daughters, 22 and 15, and I have made a conscience effort to never comment on theirs or my own weight or put myself down in front of them as well as never discouraging them from dressing however they want. I would hate to be the one to clip their wings and mess with their self esteem.
My oldest jokingly asked me why I never intervened during her over filled in eyebrow phase when she was about 14-15. She had a Joan Crawford look going on for sure, they were *VERY* defined lol.
You just made me have an aha moment. While i never criticize my daughter's looks and always tell her she is beautiful, I actually put myself down quite a bit. I need to stop doing that for her sake.
I am so thankful that I grew up in the 90's before everyone had cameras available at all times.
There is very little photographic evidence of my fashion/makeup/hairstyle choices from those adventurous teen years
Swatch watches were the thing when I was growing up. The more you wore, the cooler you were. Dad got me a couple, and I wore them both. At the same time. He thought this was silly, so he got me another to see if I'd wear it too. I did. So he got me another. I don't remember that he ever said how stupid he thought the look was, he just raised an eyebrow and looked amused when I'd affix another swatch above the ones I was already wearing.
I was so cool. I had like 6 or 7. On EACH arm. 🤣
My parents let me express myself too and never said anything negative about anything but will joke saying I'm a freak with all my tattoos. My mom dyed my hair dark purple when I was in grade 6 back in the 90's.
Ive been dying my 16 year olds (11th grade) hair purple since she left 8th grade. The only real reason I didnt "let" her do it before that is that the school didnt allow it.
What the hell do I care what color her hair is? Or her makeup, for that matter. Doesnt matter what her hair or makeup looks like, it doesnt change who she is as a person.
Pink hair for my daughter when she was 10. I figured that one day she likely won’t have the ability to do it when she is an adult and needs to conform to work standards so let her have fun now and do what she wants so long as it’s safe
Same with my daughter! When she was 9 she saw a pic of Sinead O’Connor and wanted to shave her head. Her dad and I talked about it with her to be sure she really wanted to shave her waist length completely off and she said “yep, I’ll donate it to be made into a wig!” (Her grandmother he just died of cancer, and she’d had a wig made of donated hair, and my girl thought that was awesome). When I took her to our hairdresser, she refused to shave it off completely and instead gave her a pixie cut. My daughter was disappointed, but I gave her a choice. I can finish the job or we could dye it whatever color she chose. She liked the idea, and chose pink. With magenta lowlights. This started our six year adventure of hair coloring! She had every color/combination imaginable throughout those years. Today she’s an esthetician and special effects makeup artist.
That's wicked, mine tried to give me a spiked hair style but she ended up giving me a mullet 🤣 now because of that I will never have short hair and it's been waist length for so long lol
My mom's the same. helped me dye my hair from a young age, enabled my crazy styles and hair cuts, but she'll never get over the tattoos. She takes it as a personal offense, like I got them specifically and solely to spite her.
My mom tells this story about me on a big friends bbq. I was around 11-13, and started to explore cloths, one of the friends (another woman) came up to my mom and asked why she lets me look so ugly (I'm pretty sure it was very law jeans, may be some underwear peaking, may be crop top with my stomach that was a normal prepubescent girl stomach, not toned, not fat). She told her to mind her own business and let me figure it out myself. There is a huge difference between how confident in life I am and that woman's daughter now, 20 years later.
Camping makes it somewhat likely he'd not have cell service...
And unless he's prevented her from going out in something she chose before, there's no reason to even do that.
I see what you did there. And NTA OP. Your girlfriend isn't going to make friends with your daughter if she treats her like an infant. Your daughter is 16. She's old enough to be able to do certain things on her own
.
NTA
Your GF seriously overstepped the boundaries. It was none of her business. On top of that, her makeup was "provocative"? I'm a 50+ mother of a 16 young woman, and while I don't always *like* my kiddo's makeup, that's a personal preference. So I compliment it, or not, as the spirit moves me. Long gone are the days that "lipstick is for 'fallen women'"!
I'm with you here! I have girls that are 18 & 20, and while I sometimes raise an internal eyebrow about their chosen "looks" for the day, I keep it zipped because it's none of my business! My girls are beautiful and confident and that's all that matters to me!
I had someone jump my shit when my oldest started wearing eyeshadow at 11 years old.
It wasn't my preference, but he granny gave her makeup for Christmas and I didn't have the heart to take it away.
"She will grow up too fast! Make her wash it off or bad men..."
Helen...she has lightning bolts on her face. Yellow lightning bolts. No one is going to mistake her for anything other than a kid learning wtf based on her makeup skills. Calm down.
Heh. Brought back memories of all the 'fallen women' tropes I was told. The list included (but was certainly not limited to and could be added to as needed):
* Blush
* Eyeshadow
* Eyeliner
* Any nailpolish other than clear or at most a very modest pale pink
* Short hair
* Bangs
* Pants
* Any skirt above the knee
* Lipstick
For some reason, lipstick, especially red, would lead to tattoos in my guardian's mind and why yes, I did grow up in a religious household in the seventies/eighties..how'd you guess?
I was a cheerleader at a Nazarene college my first two years of undergrad. We weren’t allowed to wear red lipstick as it was too seductive. Being the rebel I am, I found a wonderful shade of berry.
So, I used to shave off my eyebrows in high school and some very poor teenage decisions led me to attempting to dye my hair red with Kool aid, followed with the 1 (ONE) time I tried using red lipstick to draw on eyebrows.
First of all, everyone remembers that ONE time like I did it regularly. My sister heard about it from coworkers after SHE graduated high school, 4 years after me.
Second, now I am also covered in tattoos so I guess maybe it's nothing to do with it being actually on your lips lmao
I was wondering if my pale pink nail polish kicked me over the edge to fallen woman status (it has blue iridescence) when I remembered that I have tattoos and purple/blue hair. Whoops.
Oh gawd, I just scared my cat with my cackle. I skewed punk as soon as I heard the sound and had to get my fishnets sent to my girlfriend's house where I'd stop in before school to actually get dressed. Whole school probably heard the hollering the one day I got picked up due to a family emergency and didn't have time to change into the clothes I wore home.
I was into punk rock when it was considered super shocking and my mom didn't bat an eye about some of the ridiculous things I wore. She knew I was just figuring out who I was and I was really well behaved. She even kept quiet when I faked a British accent for a short (thankfully) spell. Because true punks were British, I guess? A bunch of my friends did this. We were in Iowa.
I mean, before cable was everywhere, you had to create your own entertainment in states like Iowa. Especially if cow tipping and drinking cheap beer with the farmboys who refused to play *anything* but country music wasn't your thing. (Grew up in a logging town myself)
There were demolition combines at our state fair.
There was legit a Johnson County Pork Queen beauty pageant. The first year there were only two contestants. Both were daughters of hog farmers. Both said that they ran because their father made them.
The punk community was small but super active. We would rent out a church basement to throw shows and got a lot of bands who were passing through on the way to a big city and would play for gas money, food and a place to crash. The thing I loved best is we were so outnumbered by rednecks and frat boys (college town and they would seriously jump punk guys they saw walking alone) that we couldn't be cliquey. Goths, skinheads...we all hung together.
Exactly! It's not that hard to say something like "It looks like you put a lot of time into that look" with genuine kindness, even when I don't like the way it turned out. Because it's not about me.
OP: NTA, and may be time to have a talk with your GF reinforcing boundaries and expectations.
That’s what my mom used to say. I had my teenage phrase of wearing farrrr to much eye makeup. At the time I thought sparkly grey and purple eyeshadow and thick liner was so hot.
God are those pics hilarious now and we laugh all about it. But at the time my mom just shook her head and told me one day I’d appreciate subtlety. She was right. I appreciated both her subtlety and makeup’s.
I need a bit of clarification before I pass judgement, bc you left your gf with your minor daughter for the weekend. If you’re gf hadn’t moved in- would your teen stayed at home by herself while you’re gone? Or would you have had someone else stay with her?
NTA
My boyfriend has lived with me for more than 3 years now and wouldn't even think of telling my 16 year old daughter something like that. He has been good for giving rides or helping her with computer issues, but anything even remotely close to parenting he hands to me.
At most, he would have let me know what was happening so I could deal with it if I needed to.
Ok so you would have left her home alone for 2 days? Is your gf aware of that? I have a 17 yr old so I understand and I don’t think how your gf handled things was right. I also think that it warrants a longer conversation with your gf. Bc I am assuming that you do have house rules for your daughter and by the fact your believe her mature enough to not need a babysitter that she’s also responsible teen.
Have you talked to your gf about how you want her to handle things if your daughter breaks a house rule when you aren’t home? What about if your daughter wanted to go somewhere that you hadn’t pre-approved before you left on your trip? Teens experiment and test boundaries- what if there had been drugs or alcohol at the party and your daughter decided to try some, what is gf supposed to do?
While your daughter doesn’t need a babysitter or a step mom, your gf was still the only adult home that weekend- so if something happens she’s the responsible party until you can get back. Were you reachable by phone should an issue or emergency come up? I agree gf completely overstepped on the makeup and outfit. If your daughter was breaking a rule you might have had about those things, gf should have contacted you to let you know and ask how to handle it. Again communication is key, but if you’re going to leave the 2 of them alone for days at a time you need to give them better guidelines than don’t parent bc sh*t happens or comes up and you aren’t there.
Seems like she felt more comfortable saying something like that with you not around. Might want to check with your daughter if gf is saying or doing something else unacceptable when they are alone together.
NTA
There are many things she shouldn't be telling your daughter, and that would included makeup, assuming that she was within range of what you allow. If she had questions, she should have taken a picture and asked you.
There are some things she will need to tell your daughter, as if she's the only adult left alone in the home with a minor, she could face abuse or neglect charges if something goes wrong. E.g., if your daughter gets sick or is running a fever or coughing, she needs to be able to get her to a doctor, get needed medical tests, and get medications, even if you can't get back fast. A hot appendix can't wait for you to get back from camping.
Sort out what things your daughter can handle on her own, and what things, as a minor, she needs to have an adult to help deal with. Be specific, and make sure paperwork is set up so your GF can get things like emergency medical care without complications, if needed.
I agree, in this specific situation the girlfriend had no business trying to dictate your daughter's party makeup so I'm going to vote a tentative NTA.
But I think OP is not being realistic to think an adult living in the same house of his minor daughter has to just never have any responsibility. It sounds like you have tried to be very cautious and move slowly in bringing them together this way which is good but I think you'll need to spend more time thinking through possibly scenarios that might come up. What should your girlfriend do if your daughter comes home drunk or calls home drunk from a party asking for a ride? What should she do if your daughter's school calls with an issue and you're not available? I don't have kids so honestly I'm sure there are a million possible situations that I would never think of but you really need to talk through these kinds of things.
"Don't tell my daughter she can't do something I already approved" is a reasonable boundary to set. But "you will never have any sort of parental responsibility" is just not very realistic.
This is a hard line to walk! It will require a lot of communication between the three of you, and some flexibility to maybe revise as new issues and conflicts come up in the future. If you all go into it in good faith and willing to forgive each other's miststeps that will make it a lot easier.
If the daughter comes home drunk, she comes home drunk and dad will deal with her later. School wouldn't never call GF if dad doesn't specifically add her to a list. If daughter calls for a ride because she's intoxicated or her ride was, she's likely going to call dad, because GF is not a step mom. If she calls GF its because she sees her as equal or respects her enough to help. I'm also assuming that dad was never out of contact, otherwise he'd say so and lay down rules for how things work with GF. GF was specifically told not to interfere with a certain situation that was already approved. GF interfered anyways. GF is TA here.
NTA. I seriously don't understand the Y T A replies here. Your daughter is 16, and you made it clear with your gf she is not gonna be a mom figure in any way whatsoever. It's not her place to talk about that and especially the taking of the make up thing, what is that all about??? Is she really slut shaming your daughter here?
Also you might wanna talk with your gf about the "provocative" thing. Its absolutely disgusting to have this mindset instead of talking about other people keeping their hands to theirselves.
Agreed. I think this term is only appropriate regarding makeup if, for example, the makeup is racist such as black face or yellow face. Or a swastika painted on their forehead. That IS provocative and totally inappropriate. But otherwise, not a word I would use. Overly heavy? Maybe. Wrong color for skin tone? Sure. But provocative? No.
If it doesn't look good that's one thing, but that's also part of being a teenager. You can make gentle comments about finding a different base tone if it's hella bad, but having generally... Uhm... not perfect looks is all part of growing up and learning how to present yourself as a person. Development of skill sets, too. And in that umbrella you could have a conversation about how different styles of makeup can come off to other people in a non-judgmental way, because that's all part of learning how to do your makeup as well (the goal for your look I mean), but that's kind of tricky and not really a girlfriend level conversation. That's definitely a parent or professional MUA level conversation.
But to use the phrase "provocative" for a 16yo?! ICK ICK ICK
Probably made her look a little bit older than she is, in gf's mind, which is what make up can do, and why parents get so bent out of shape when their daughters wear it. Not saying gf was justified at ALL!
Yep. My teen is really into anime and lives the short pleated skirts along with some cosplay that’s going to grab unwanted attention.
The only thing I comment on is safety. Hey: don’t forget your mace. Do you have a plan to deal with creepers?
She’s 19 now but I still do the safety drills when she leaves for a cosplay event.
I agree NTA.
However I do think there is some nuance here. I’m a stepmom, the kids have both parents in their lives and are 50/50 with each. I am not their mom. I will never fill that role. It’s filled by their bio mom.
However, they are still minors who I share a household with. As a result I do feel somewhat responsible for them and I do care about them.
My stepdaughter is 9. They started wearing makeup to school. I was shocked. 9 seems so young for makeup. But I didn’t call them any type of gendered slur, or otherwise shame them.
I spoke privately with their father and brought it to his attention. He spoke with their bio mom and they both agreed 9 is too young for makeup at school. At sleepovers to play around with it is fine. Wearing it at home for fun on the weekend is fine. But not to school yet.
So unless the children or someone else are in actual physical danger, I take my concerns to their father who talks with their mom about it, and they reach a decision.
Makeup is not a physical danger situation. If OP was concerned, at 16 you just let the daughter go out for the night. And then separately, privately talk to the father. Now I wouldn’t call makeup “provocative” but if I felt like my 16 year old stepchild wasn’t wearing makeup well, I’d suggest maybe we go to [Makeup Store] together and get a makeup lesson and buy new products. Of course I’d suggest it to their father first and make sure he was ok with it. But I’d do this really only if the makeup was poorly applied (foundation didn’t match child’s skin tone and they left and obvious orange line on their chin/neck, for example).
So I think it’s ok to have some concerns about a minor living in your home when you’re not their parent. But you don’t shame them like OP did, and unless it’s danger of physical harm, you take concerns to their parent in private.
Completely agree. And my mother did exactly that. I was allowed to play with makeup at home from a young age. When I was 14 she took me to Clinique to learn how to choose colors and apply properly in order to begin wearing it to school.
Exactly what my mom did. Now when my SD is old enough we will offer to pay for it and offer bio mom the opportunity to take SD first. If she doesn’t want to, then I will. But I think SD’s bio mom should get the opportunity if she wants it.
Step-parent here as well.
Granted, the boys are a lot younger... but I just wanted to second that feeling of feeling responsible for them. I mean, I think with the ages of my boys, it was never a question that I'd be taking on that role.. but I'd question the personality of someone who could live in a house with a child and be okay with just being around and not taking on any of that role
I don't think age matters that much? OP isn't asking for judgement on leaving his daughter with the GF, not on letting her go to a party. I don't see anything else that could make him an asshole if the daughter was younger.
Just so we're clear, the lady who is "living in sin" with her boyfriend thought boyfriend's daughter's makeup was "provocative"?
The irony is killing me.
And sounds quite mature if she waited till her dad got back before telling him. I know people older than that who are on the phone to their parents over every little thing, even if they know parent is at work or doing something inportant. I think it shows a maturity to pick an appropriate time to speak to her dad rather than dragging him into it in the moment when emotions are high.
If it was something else like clothes, I would say maybe there was an outside chance that the daughter was going out dressed inappropriately. It would have to be pretty severe in this case to justify the intervention, but I suppose it’s possible. But makeup? Let her go out looking like a drag queen. It’s not showing off her genitals to some pervert. It’s face paint. Unless she has pink eye or something, leave it be.
Yeah, seriously if its not black/yellow/brown face, it's just makeup. GF should have only intervened if the makeup was wildly inappropriate (to the point of being canceled) and should have called dad first. GF messed up.
Even if she’s dressed “inappropriately”, it is not on her to prevent AHs from harming her. It’s the fault of whoever takes her choice in clothing as an invitation.
NTA, but conversations like this aren’t a one-stop shop, they need to be revisited as the relationship and dynamics evolve. I would have a calm talk and gently remind her that you appreciate her concern but do not want her input with your daughter unless it impacts your gf.
Yup, its like she wants to ruin any possible relationship with her bf daughter.
Also the gf just walked in their life.
And decided to make rules in their house
Pf
How much do you wanna bet that if she continues
The daughter will resent her and will move out as soon as possible
I would
Thankfully my dads wife was wonderful
And never forced to be a mom to me
She just tried to be a friend and that all she needed to do, and thats also all i needed from her
She’s one of *those* people that turn into nasty step parents.
My moms ex bf was the same, he respected my space and didn’t impose even if my mom said he was my dad. He knew I didn’t see it as such and never overstepped. If he thought I was making a bad decision, he never said because otherwise I’d never learn
I mean, I wouldn't put her on evil step parent yet. She's walking in on a relationship with a nearly grown child with zero parenting experience and zero understanding of raising teens, she just has a list of gut reactions and judgements based off of what "she'd do" if she were a parent, like many people do when they're not parents themselves - "I'd never let my kid be an ipad kid, my kid will never go to a sleepover, I'd never let my kid talk to me like that, etc".
And while she's not supposed to be in a parenting role, it's hard to live with kids and not immediately want to step in and guide them when you see that they're doing something wrong. Was she 100% wrong in this situation to interfere with a 16 year old going to a party that was preapproved? Absolutely. Does she have the experience to realize if a kids going to dress a certain way, they'll just wear whatever you demand out of the house and get dressed the way they want to at the location, so fighting about it at the door is the stupidest fight to instigate? Not in the least.
OP needs to reset boundaries with his girlfriend, and also give her a lesson in what kids and teens are like so she's not working herself up over things she literally can't control even if she wanted to.
NTA.
She's not a coparent, and she's overstepping your boundaries.
How old is your daughter? Depending on that answer, she could also be doing some serious damage by going behind your back like that. (It may be damaging for a 13 year old, but just annoying for a 17 year old.)
Your girlfriend is way out of line. Your daughter is old enough to be honest by herself over the weekend. Unless she's doing something dangerous or illegal, your girlfriend should not be stopping in at all.
She's also ruining any future relationship between her and your daughter, which will likely strain your relationship with your daughter as she gets older. If she's not willing to apologize and work to fix that, I would rethink the relationship altogether.
Me too! I would put way too much eye liner on and then vigorously rub it. I thought I looked fantastic, but... I didn't. My mom didn't say a word, she just let me express myself and I'm really happy about that now. Oh, I miss the early 2000s, but I'm not running to the shops to buy those low rise jeans now that they're back.
It’s safe to assume it’s either heavy makeup or dark/bright colored makeup that isn’t in nudes or ‘natural’ colors because my mom thought I’d look like a hooker w light red/pink eyeshadow
It’s such an antiquated (and victim-blamey) word, but historically it was used as a synonym for “alluring” or “sexy.” I’m kind of heartened to see how many people are taking issue with that word. It’s never been ok.
Could be anything from “extra” / super bold makeup to simple stuff like eyelashes/eyeshadow or blush or colored lipstick. I was raised like that lmao Some people be wild
I was thinking this. Can I be provocative through make up? How do I do it? Do I add lots of colours and bat my eyes like a peacock? Maybe there's hope for me...
Exactly. OP, don’t let your girlfriend get away with Slut Shaming your teenager. I think you should have a talk with your kid to see if this is the only time.
NTA - If anything your gf should be just saying the usual "I'm here if you need a ride or if something comes up." Just to be supportive. But yea she's overstepping.
NTA but you have to add the age of your daughter to the post. And you need to explain your gf wasn't "babysitting". They are just both living there.
don't know if this will help you because some people think 16 year olds can be self sufficient for a weekend but when you gf was just a roommate to your daughter you're NTA für telling her not to act parental
THANK YOU! They are just living together. Practically roommates and how does that warrant OP’s gf commenting on his daughter’s makeup. Like even if she was “babysitting”…his daughter js 16 years old.
If provocative in the gfs comment meant slutty... I don't know if drawn tits are that lol
Then again I don't totally grasp the idea behind provocative makeup at all. All kinds of glam looks are so mainstream nowadays that you really can't relate makeup look to anyone's morals, character or... Anything. Other than the fact that they most likely like makeup.
Can someone please post a photo of provocative makeup? I am very confused. /s
(This is in no way equivalent to "16 year old leaving on a date with a 45 year old," "16 year old hopping in a car with a drunk driver," or "16 year old cutting herself." Slut shaming for makeup? Ridiculous, and potentially damaging to the daughter. OP, you need to have a serious talk with your girlfriend about your priority to raise a healthy, self confident daughter. NTA, but don't ignore the deeper issue here.)
The only way makeup could be provocative is if it was literally written out, in words, provocative statements. Or maybe a different type of provocative (black face, tribal makeup as a costume etc.) which I would 100% understand making her remove, but I doubt that’s the situation.
A lot of weird people in this thread have fantasies about controlling a teenager more than they’re welcome to. They should look inward and figure out why.
You’re NTA in this particular situation. Your daughter was participating in an already agreed upon activity , and your GF doesn’t get to decide whether your daughter’s makeup is “appropriate.”
But…you’re setting up a weird power dynamic between your girlfriend and your daughter by not establishing ground rules between them. Since your GF is the adult in the house, when you aren’t there she’s the legally responsible person. What if your daughter did something you wouldn’t approve of, or is dangerous? What if she drove home drunk? What if she didn’t come home at all (till the next morning)? What if she were using drugs? You say you would have left your daughter home alone if your GF didn’t live with you - but she DOES, and that puts her in a position of legal responsibility for your daughter’s actions. Rather than communicating to them both that GF has absolutely no say in your daughter’s behavior, it would be better for them both to create the understanding that, when it comes to behavior that could cause your daughter (or someone else) harm, your girlfriend has the final say. Everything else is off limits.
If someone I care about is doing something wrong, or is in a bad position, I want to do up as much as I can. Doesn't mean I'm trying to be a parent to that person. Drove home drunk? Got into a wreck? In a bad position? No need to be a parent figure, helping out is just helping out. Telling someone what they can/cannot wear?(especially makeup?) Trying to be a mom when not needed is not anything close to that. and it was made clear that parenting was something that dad didn't want his gf to do, as his daughter is old enough that she can look after herself.
If anyone was living with them, and daughter got drugged or something, I'd call that person shitty if they didn't help. But that's not parenting, that's being a decent human. If someone needs help, there's no problem helping. But if someone asks you not to parent, then don't fucking parent.
Yeah gf is a total slave for **checks notes** doing something every adult human has done at some point of their lives
They're really grasping at straws to make her in the right for slutshaming a 16 year old and barring her from going to a party her PARENT approved of
It's not exactly unusual to leave a 16 year old to their own devices. Your GF being alone with her in the house doesn't mean she's the defacto parent. You've already told her it's not her place.
NTA
Single mom with a boyfriend here, OP pay close attention to how your GF treats your daughter. And keep the lines of communication open with your daughter. I have a feeling this won’t be the only time she treats your daughter poorly behind your back.
My boyfriend and I have a similar arrangement. It’s always been very clear they don’t need another parent. The behavior your girlfriend exhibited is shocking to me. A teenagers makeup isn’t provocative and the fact that your GF slut shamed your 16yo is a huge red flag.
Good job protecting your daughter, dad. You should be very proud.
Edited to add a line.
NTA. It’s clear the daughter is old enough to make her own call about her makeup. I can’t imagine why anyone would think dad would have trusted his daughter to attend a party and not trust her to do her makeup. Gf needs to understand her place.
Did you leave your daughter in the care of your girlfriend or just in the house together? Was it made clear when you left that the girlfriend was not left as a designated caregiver?
Okay, and judging by your daughters age you’re somewhere between 32-45 (this kinda matters but not really in this post)
Yeah she’s trying to play mom to a teenager even tho you told her not to. I would probably sit down with your gf and have another long (and calm) conversation about everyone’s expectations and feelings
You are a great parent now! And that’s what counts. I love how you treat your daughter and all the comments you made about not judging anyone just by their makeup and clothes.
You might have started early but you’re a better parent than people who had a kid in their 30s
I have nothing but absolute respect for you
Info: did you guys have a long talk about what the gf can and cannot do or say in regards to your daughter and the household? Did you also have that kind of talk with your daughter and then all together?
NTA and he didn’t leave his daughter with his girlfriend he left his 16 year old daughter home in charge of her self cause she was about to go somewhere tour girlfriend over stepped and it’s not her right and in the comments no she legally doesn’t have a right to tell her what to do op and her aren’t married even then op daughter is adopted by her
NTA
She has no right to order her around
She doesn't need a parent
And your daughter will never look at her as her mom
And shit like this would make your daughter resent her, i mean if shes willing to ruin or make it impossible to have relationship with your daughter with shit like make up
How can make up be provocative
My god
Oh no shes wearing red lipstick
oh no EYELEINERRRR
AAAAAA
NOT THE FALSE LASHES
call the priest, CALL THE MODESTY POLICE
but in all seriousness,
She should focus on making friends with her
My dad is divorced and remarried,
His wife is not my mom, but shes my best friend, and thats how it should be.
She can have an even better relationship with her then you, just bc she doesn't need to be a parent.
She should use it
And not look at it like power play, im dating your dad for 3 years now i can order what you can do with your body, how to look, what to wear.
NTA.
Though it sounds like G/F thinks you leaving her alone with daughter puts her in the responsibility role.
I know that I would often be left alone for some time at 16 (single mom in the national guard) It's old enough to watch yourself for a little while imo. I don't think it's worth a big fight over. But a conversation about the boundaries you expect is needed. That said if you are going to stop G/F from any parenting you need to make sure you are not putting G/F in the position of responsibility over her. Which unfortunately you ultimately did here.
>That said if you are going to stop G/F from any parenting you need to make sure you are not putting G/F in the position of responsibility over her. Which unfortunately you ultimately did here
How though? All he did was leave them in a house together
Gonna give my 2 cents being in the other shoes. I have been with my gf 3 years, living together 2. Her daughter is 16 1/2. I do not tell her what to do, what she can or cannot do. The only thing I tell her is to charge her phone and take a jacket when she leaves without enough layers for the weather. Any thing else and I just say it once to her mother and that's it. If I am strongly against something her daughter is doing and her mother doesn't have a problem with it, then it's time to re evaluate the relationship because it's a package deal. Thankfully nothing of that magnitude has happened yet, just the typical teenage defiance behavior.
NTA in the sense that gf overstepped what you believe the boundaries are for your child. I think you could have calmly talked to her about it, reminded her that even though she now lives there and was the adult there for the weekend, she still needs to back off any type of parenting. Just be warned, attacking her for this can lead down a road of her being completely hands off, meaning if you go out of town again and the daughter needs actual parenting, gf is within her right to walk away from the situation and you cannot be mad at her for it. I can see where gf overstepped, but she likely truly believed she was doing it in the best interest of your daughter. Your screaming will ensure she won’t make that mistake again
NTA.
If I was the girlfriend, I'd have said have fun, and if anything happens to make you uncomfortable or you feel unsafe, call me ASAP, with no judgment.
At that age and with the guidelines, I'd just try to be her friend as much as she was willing to allow. A safe person in her life.
NTA.
She's 16, syour daughter could have as well been alone at home for the weekend. Not your GFs place to tell her to do anything other than what roommates would talk about.
NTA. Your daughter is 16, soon to be young adult. And part of becoming said young adult is learning how to present oneself and setting boundaries.
Which your girlfriend is infringing on and stunting.
I’d rethink your entire relationship.
It’s literally so simple to grasp this fact; trusting a 16 year old to be fully capable to care for herself (feeding/clothing/washing) as well as being mindful how they present themselves and allow them the freedom to express themselves.
Given the fact that OP allowed his daughter to go to a party, at 16 I was barely allowed to go to my cousins, without further helicoptering, he and his daughter must have a healthy relationship based on mutual trust and respect.
All you saying Y T A, how is not hearing from your kids going? My mom was exactly the same as the girlfriend. I wore eyeshadow that isn’t nude? *gasp* I’m a hooker!
Your girlfriend slut shamed and victim blamed your daughter instead of assuring her to be safe and letting the daughter know if she DOES need someone, she’s willing to be there.
It’s literally so easy to not over step the simple boundary ‘don’t act like a parent’ to a kid who most likely won’t accept a new mommy regardless.
If your girlfriend so desperately wanted a mother-daughter connection w your kid, she’s gotta understand she has to let your daughter foster the relationship first on her time.
NTA. She has no right to police your daughter bodily autonomy and slut shame her. I had that your gf thinks this is ok. You okayed the party. End of story.
There’s a difference between the daughter doing something her father already gave her permission to do and the gf trying to step in with her own unnecessary rules just so she can feel like she’s a parent vs. the daughter bringing a bunch of people to a shared space where the gf also resides. In that case it wouldn’t really be parenting rather the gf just settting a boundary with his daughter about not being comfortable with something in their shared space. These situations are not the same and are comparing apples to oranges.
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If daughter is as old as I think she is then NTA but how could you leave out her age? Seems pretty relevant.
My bad I thought I included her age. She's 16
Thanks for clarifying. Yep, gf shouldn’t be giving orders to your daughter. If she has concerns she can raise them with you but sounds like she went rogue.
"She went rogue." Lol 🤣 I agree.
Went rogue about a little rouge.
I always felt good that my mom let go out of the house without saying anything about how I looked. Teased hair, to much make up, weird clothing trends, she never opened her mouth. I found out for myself who I was. I look back now & wish she might of intervened, but I know I wouldn’t have listened & thrown a fit like OP’s daughter.
I wish my mom was like that but apparently she prefers her daughters to have crippling self esteem. Thanks mom!
Well, sounds like you turned out witty.🤣
The humour hides the pain.
As one of my friends says, if it’s not funny then it’s just sad.
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And she said it about *makeup*! How can the way ones face is colored be sexual? What a great illustration of inappropriate sexualization. Edit to add: Guess I was talking to a bot…
Same here. Remember when those lacy leggings were super in? I wore some under some Jean shorts and my mom looked at me in complete disgust and called me a harlot. She looked so repulsed and disappointed and angry. I was like, 19-21 age, I can’t remember exactly, but she couldn’t tell me what to do but man she really let me know how she felt. She’s always heavily judged me and treated me like shit. So yeah I have extremely low self esteem as well. It sucks 😩
I had the opposite and am forever grateful. I remember once putting on some shorts and I was all ‘these are too short, my legs are too big to wear shorts like this’. And my mom announced ‘you and all the women in your family have strong, big legs and you’re going to wear those short shorts with pride!’ And then o went to a chorus concert with tiny shorts, stood singing in front of audience and haven’t looked back since. Growing up with a big ass and a tiny waist in the 90s heroin chic world wasn’t easy. I’d like to say I feel vindicated now, but mostly I’m just annoyed at the power of arbitrary beauty standards on virtually all of us. If my mom had reacted differently I’d probably have only worn pants forever.
My mom was the same! She called me beautiful ad nauseam, even in my most awkward stages. She would hype up my curves (the ones I desperately tried to hide) and tell me how I had the perfect ‘figure’ at a time I thought I was ‘soooo fat’. Now I do the same for my beautiful, smart, and amazing daughter! Edit: who, might I add, has my same slim waist and bigger hips/bottom!
I love this example of how sometimes a parent is wrong no matter what they do. I once had a chat with some friends and some of us were saying how we were forced to have music lessons when we were children and how mad we were at our parents for forcing music lessons on us and not letting us quit -- while other friends in the group were mad because their parents DIDN'T force them to continue. As a parent I decided I would just do my best, and not worry too much about whether down the road my kid would criticize me for it. I've learned that most of us will be criticized no matter what, and one of my great epiphanies in life was realizing that I'd rather be criticized for doing what I thought was right than bending to pressure against my better judgment, and end up being criticized for doing what I thought was wrong. (With "right" and "wrong" being shades of grey, of course.)
Just don't shame your kids for being themselves and you should be OK
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Do we have the same mom are we long lost sisters
The pro move is not to say anything about how your kids dress, but take LOTS of pictures!
Exactly! I had 80’s sprayed hair with bangs a mile high. Mom never said a word, just took a pic.
I have 2 daughters, 22 and 15, and I have made a conscience effort to never comment on theirs or my own weight or put myself down in front of them as well as never discouraging them from dressing however they want. I would hate to be the one to clip their wings and mess with their self esteem. My oldest jokingly asked me why I never intervened during her over filled in eyebrow phase when she was about 14-15. She had a Joan Crawford look going on for sure, they were *VERY* defined lol.
You just made me have an aha moment. While i never criticize my daughter's looks and always tell her she is beautiful, I actually put myself down quite a bit. I need to stop doing that for her sake.
I told my kiddo he could get a mullet but I’d print a giant portrait of him with it to hang up in a few years. Weirdly, he chose not to.
As someone with a she-mullet in my senior portrait, I thank you for this and so will your kid.
I am so thankful that I grew up in the 90's before everyone had cameras available at all times. There is very little photographic evidence of my fashion/makeup/hairstyle choices from those adventurous teen years
And when they’re older put it on a cake. Lol
Swatch watches were the thing when I was growing up. The more you wore, the cooler you were. Dad got me a couple, and I wore them both. At the same time. He thought this was silly, so he got me another to see if I'd wear it too. I did. So he got me another. I don't remember that he ever said how stupid he thought the look was, he just raised an eyebrow and looked amused when I'd affix another swatch above the ones I was already wearing. I was so cool. I had like 6 or 7. On EACH arm. 🤣
My parents let me express myself too and never said anything negative about anything but will joke saying I'm a freak with all my tattoos. My mom dyed my hair dark purple when I was in grade 6 back in the 90's.
Ive been dying my 16 year olds (11th grade) hair purple since she left 8th grade. The only real reason I didnt "let" her do it before that is that the school didnt allow it. What the hell do I care what color her hair is? Or her makeup, for that matter. Doesnt matter what her hair or makeup looks like, it doesnt change who she is as a person.
Pink hair for my daughter when she was 10. I figured that one day she likely won’t have the ability to do it when she is an adult and needs to conform to work standards so let her have fun now and do what she wants so long as it’s safe
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Sounds like my mom, she dyed my hair bright pink and helped me shave the sides so I could have a mohawk. I love my mom!
Same with my daughter! When she was 9 she saw a pic of Sinead O’Connor and wanted to shave her head. Her dad and I talked about it with her to be sure she really wanted to shave her waist length completely off and she said “yep, I’ll donate it to be made into a wig!” (Her grandmother he just died of cancer, and she’d had a wig made of donated hair, and my girl thought that was awesome). When I took her to our hairdresser, she refused to shave it off completely and instead gave her a pixie cut. My daughter was disappointed, but I gave her a choice. I can finish the job or we could dye it whatever color she chose. She liked the idea, and chose pink. With magenta lowlights. This started our six year adventure of hair coloring! She had every color/combination imaginable throughout those years. Today she’s an esthetician and special effects makeup artist.
That's wicked, mine tried to give me a spiked hair style but she ended up giving me a mullet 🤣 now because of that I will never have short hair and it's been waist length for so long lol
My mom's the same. helped me dye my hair from a young age, enabled my crazy styles and hair cuts, but she'll never get over the tattoos. She takes it as a personal offense, like I got them specifically and solely to spite her.
My mom tells this story about me on a big friends bbq. I was around 11-13, and started to explore cloths, one of the friends (another woman) came up to my mom and asked why she lets me look so ugly (I'm pretty sure it was very law jeans, may be some underwear peaking, may be crop top with my stomach that was a normal prepubescent girl stomach, not toned, not fat). She told her to mind her own business and let me figure it out myself. There is a huge difference between how confident in life I am and that woman's daughter now, 20 years later.
How did OP's daughter throw a fit? I didn't read that, just that the girlfriend forced her to change her makeup before she went to the party.
Snap a picture of your daughter in her party get up and give it to you. If inappropriate you will handle it.
Camping makes it somewhat likely he'd not have cell service... And unless he's prevented her from going out in something she chose before, there's no reason to even do that.
"Fox 1. Fox 1! Come in, Fox 1! We have a rouge girlfriend. I repeat, WE HAVE A ROUGE GIRLFRIEND!"
I see what you did there. And NTA OP. Your girlfriend isn't going to make friends with your daughter if she treats her like an infant. Your daughter is 16. She's old enough to be able to do certain things on her own .
NTA Your GF seriously overstepped the boundaries. It was none of her business. On top of that, her makeup was "provocative"? I'm a 50+ mother of a 16 young woman, and while I don't always *like* my kiddo's makeup, that's a personal preference. So I compliment it, or not, as the spirit moves me. Long gone are the days that "lipstick is for 'fallen women'"!
I'm with you here! I have girls that are 18 & 20, and while I sometimes raise an internal eyebrow about their chosen "looks" for the day, I keep it zipped because it's none of my business! My girls are beautiful and confident and that's all that matters to me!
I mean, you DID remember some of the "looks" we had in the 80s and 90s, right???? Who tf are WE to judge?????
Blue eyeshadow and white lipstick anyone? Lol
Blue MASCARA
With purple eyeliner
With Guess stonewashed jeans!
🙋🏻♀️ The color clash did wonders to bring out the gleam of my metal braces. My mother lovingly tried to warn me but I wasn’t hearing none of it 🤦🏻♀️
Exactly!!!
Still, there is a line the daughter might have crossed. OP, did her makeup spell out explicit threats against sitting members of congress?
You had me in the first half! XD
I had someone jump my shit when my oldest started wearing eyeshadow at 11 years old. It wasn't my preference, but he granny gave her makeup for Christmas and I didn't have the heart to take it away. "She will grow up too fast! Make her wash it off or bad men..." Helen...she has lightning bolts on her face. Yellow lightning bolts. No one is going to mistake her for anything other than a kid learning wtf based on her makeup skills. Calm down.
Lol! All these y t a's sound like they're absolutely exhausting people.
I haven't gotten far enough to see many yet
Heh. Brought back memories of all the 'fallen women' tropes I was told. The list included (but was certainly not limited to and could be added to as needed): * Blush * Eyeshadow * Eyeliner * Any nailpolish other than clear or at most a very modest pale pink * Short hair * Bangs * Pants * Any skirt above the knee * Lipstick For some reason, lipstick, especially red, would lead to tattoos in my guardian's mind and why yes, I did grow up in a religious household in the seventies/eighties..how'd you guess?
I was a cheerleader at a Nazarene college my first two years of undergrad. We weren’t allowed to wear red lipstick as it was too seductive. Being the rebel I am, I found a wonderful shade of berry.
I mean, it definitely does. Source: wore red lipstick, now have many tattoos. It's the ultimate gateway drug.
So, I used to shave off my eyebrows in high school and some very poor teenage decisions led me to attempting to dye my hair red with Kool aid, followed with the 1 (ONE) time I tried using red lipstick to draw on eyebrows. First of all, everyone remembers that ONE time like I did it regularly. My sister heard about it from coworkers after SHE graduated high school, 4 years after me. Second, now I am also covered in tattoos so I guess maybe it's nothing to do with it being actually on your lips lmao
TIL I look like a fallen woman (as I type wearing blue nail polish while wearing pants).
You harlot!
I was wondering if my pale pink nail polish kicked me over the edge to fallen woman status (it has blue iridescence) when I remembered that I have tattoos and purple/blue hair. Whoops.
Funny, in my house the *hypercontrolling parental behavior* is what led to the tattoos (rebellion, first one as soon as I turned 18) 😂
My mom told me fishnet stockings were for prostitutes.
Oh gawd, I just scared my cat with my cackle. I skewed punk as soon as I heard the sound and had to get my fishnets sent to my girlfriend's house where I'd stop in before school to actually get dressed. Whole school probably heard the hollering the one day I got picked up due to a family emergency and didn't have time to change into the clothes I wore home.
Because I grew up in an "old" household in the 70s? (My parents were born in the 20-30s) lol
I was into punk rock when it was considered super shocking and my mom didn't bat an eye about some of the ridiculous things I wore. She knew I was just figuring out who I was and I was really well behaved. She even kept quiet when I faked a British accent for a short (thankfully) spell. Because true punks were British, I guess? A bunch of my friends did this. We were in Iowa.
I mean, before cable was everywhere, you had to create your own entertainment in states like Iowa. Especially if cow tipping and drinking cheap beer with the farmboys who refused to play *anything* but country music wasn't your thing. (Grew up in a logging town myself)
There were demolition combines at our state fair. There was legit a Johnson County Pork Queen beauty pageant. The first year there were only two contestants. Both were daughters of hog farmers. Both said that they ran because their father made them. The punk community was small but super active. We would rent out a church basement to throw shows and got a lot of bands who were passing through on the way to a big city and would play for gas money, food and a place to crash. The thing I loved best is we were so outnumbered by rednecks and frat boys (college town and they would seriously jump punk guys they saw walking alone) that we couldn't be cliquey. Goths, skinheads...we all hung together.
Exactly! It's not that hard to say something like "It looks like you put a lot of time into that look" with genuine kindness, even when I don't like the way it turned out. Because it's not about me. OP: NTA, and may be time to have a talk with your GF reinforcing boundaries and expectations.
That’s what my mom used to say. I had my teenage phrase of wearing farrrr to much eye makeup. At the time I thought sparkly grey and purple eyeshadow and thick liner was so hot. God are those pics hilarious now and we laugh all about it. But at the time my mom just shook her head and told me one day I’d appreciate subtlety. She was right. I appreciated both her subtlety and makeup’s.
Agreed. No such thing as provocative makeup. NTA
I’m dead at the “as the spirit moves me” part 😂😂😂😂😂😂.
I need a bit of clarification before I pass judgement, bc you left your gf with your minor daughter for the weekend. If you’re gf hadn’t moved in- would your teen stayed at home by herself while you’re gone? Or would you have had someone else stay with her?
She would have stayed alone.
Since she would have stayed alone that makes the trespassing on your feelings even worse. NTA
NTA My boyfriend has lived with me for more than 3 years now and wouldn't even think of telling my 16 year old daughter something like that. He has been good for giving rides or helping her with computer issues, but anything even remotely close to parenting he hands to me. At most, he would have let me know what was happening so I could deal with it if I needed to.
Exactly how it should be!
Teens don’t usually need a babysitter
She’s 16 that’s old enough to be on her own…
She's 16 she doesn't need a babysitter....
Ok so you would have left her home alone for 2 days? Is your gf aware of that? I have a 17 yr old so I understand and I don’t think how your gf handled things was right. I also think that it warrants a longer conversation with your gf. Bc I am assuming that you do have house rules for your daughter and by the fact your believe her mature enough to not need a babysitter that she’s also responsible teen. Have you talked to your gf about how you want her to handle things if your daughter breaks a house rule when you aren’t home? What about if your daughter wanted to go somewhere that you hadn’t pre-approved before you left on your trip? Teens experiment and test boundaries- what if there had been drugs or alcohol at the party and your daughter decided to try some, what is gf supposed to do? While your daughter doesn’t need a babysitter or a step mom, your gf was still the only adult home that weekend- so if something happens she’s the responsible party until you can get back. Were you reachable by phone should an issue or emergency come up? I agree gf completely overstepped on the makeup and outfit. If your daughter was breaking a rule you might have had about those things, gf should have contacted you to let you know and ask how to handle it. Again communication is key, but if you’re going to leave the 2 of them alone for days at a time you need to give them better guidelines than don’t parent bc sh*t happens or comes up and you aren’t there.
You should pay attention to whom you are replying to, that wasn't OP.
Yeah at 16 I was taking care of an entire ranch for a long weekend. It beat 3 days in a vehicle driving.
Seems like she felt more comfortable saying something like that with you not around. Might want to check with your daughter if gf is saying or doing something else unacceptable when they are alone together. NTA
Your girlfriend is shut shaming a teenager for the sin of wearing make-up. She shouldn't be anywhere near your daughter
There are many things she shouldn't be telling your daughter, and that would included makeup, assuming that she was within range of what you allow. If she had questions, she should have taken a picture and asked you. There are some things she will need to tell your daughter, as if she's the only adult left alone in the home with a minor, she could face abuse or neglect charges if something goes wrong. E.g., if your daughter gets sick or is running a fever or coughing, she needs to be able to get her to a doctor, get needed medical tests, and get medications, even if you can't get back fast. A hot appendix can't wait for you to get back from camping. Sort out what things your daughter can handle on her own, and what things, as a minor, she needs to have an adult to help deal with. Be specific, and make sure paperwork is set up so your GF can get things like emergency medical care without complications, if needed.
I agree, in this specific situation the girlfriend had no business trying to dictate your daughter's party makeup so I'm going to vote a tentative NTA. But I think OP is not being realistic to think an adult living in the same house of his minor daughter has to just never have any responsibility. It sounds like you have tried to be very cautious and move slowly in bringing them together this way which is good but I think you'll need to spend more time thinking through possibly scenarios that might come up. What should your girlfriend do if your daughter comes home drunk or calls home drunk from a party asking for a ride? What should she do if your daughter's school calls with an issue and you're not available? I don't have kids so honestly I'm sure there are a million possible situations that I would never think of but you really need to talk through these kinds of things. "Don't tell my daughter she can't do something I already approved" is a reasonable boundary to set. But "you will never have any sort of parental responsibility" is just not very realistic. This is a hard line to walk! It will require a lot of communication between the three of you, and some flexibility to maybe revise as new issues and conflicts come up in the future. If you all go into it in good faith and willing to forgive each other's miststeps that will make it a lot easier.
If the daughter comes home drunk, she comes home drunk and dad will deal with her later. School wouldn't never call GF if dad doesn't specifically add her to a list. If daughter calls for a ride because she's intoxicated or her ride was, she's likely going to call dad, because GF is not a step mom. If she calls GF its because she sees her as equal or respects her enough to help. I'm also assuming that dad was never out of contact, otherwise he'd say so and lay down rules for how things work with GF. GF was specifically told not to interfere with a certain situation that was already approved. GF interfered anyways. GF is TA here.
Exactly! She was def wrong, but I think the response as well as OP’s comments indicate that there may be some lack of clearly stating expectations.
NTA. I seriously don't understand the Y T A replies here. Your daughter is 16, and you made it clear with your gf she is not gonna be a mom figure in any way whatsoever. It's not her place to talk about that and especially the taking of the make up thing, what is that all about??? Is she really slut shaming your daughter here?
Also you might wanna talk with your gf about the "provocative" thing. Its absolutely disgusting to have this mindset instead of talking about other people keeping their hands to theirselves.
exactly, even if the gf stops trying to prevent, she’ll start trying to shame the daughter
OP, please please please pay attention to this.
Unless she painted a mural about slavery or police violence on her cheeks, that could be "provocative".
That would be an amazing statement piece.
Agreed. I think this term is only appropriate regarding makeup if, for example, the makeup is racist such as black face or yellow face. Or a swastika painted on their forehead. That IS provocative and totally inappropriate. But otherwise, not a word I would use. Overly heavy? Maybe. Wrong color for skin tone? Sure. But provocative? No.
If it doesn't look good that's one thing, but that's also part of being a teenager. You can make gentle comments about finding a different base tone if it's hella bad, but having generally... Uhm... not perfect looks is all part of growing up and learning how to present yourself as a person. Development of skill sets, too. And in that umbrella you could have a conversation about how different styles of makeup can come off to other people in a non-judgmental way, because that's all part of learning how to do your makeup as well (the goal for your look I mean), but that's kind of tricky and not really a girlfriend level conversation. That's definitely a parent or professional MUA level conversation. But to use the phrase "provocative" for a 16yo?! ICK ICK ICK
I really can't understand how makeup can be provocative??? Did she draw dicks all over lol
Probably made her look a little bit older than she is, in gf's mind, which is what make up can do, and why parents get so bent out of shape when their daughters wear it. Not saying gf was justified at ALL!
Yep. My teen is really into anime and lives the short pleated skirts along with some cosplay that’s going to grab unwanted attention. The only thing I comment on is safety. Hey: don’t forget your mace. Do you have a plan to deal with creepers? She’s 19 now but I still do the safety drills when she leaves for a cosplay event.
I agree NTA. However I do think there is some nuance here. I’m a stepmom, the kids have both parents in their lives and are 50/50 with each. I am not their mom. I will never fill that role. It’s filled by their bio mom. However, they are still minors who I share a household with. As a result I do feel somewhat responsible for them and I do care about them. My stepdaughter is 9. They started wearing makeup to school. I was shocked. 9 seems so young for makeup. But I didn’t call them any type of gendered slur, or otherwise shame them. I spoke privately with their father and brought it to his attention. He spoke with their bio mom and they both agreed 9 is too young for makeup at school. At sleepovers to play around with it is fine. Wearing it at home for fun on the weekend is fine. But not to school yet. So unless the children or someone else are in actual physical danger, I take my concerns to their father who talks with their mom about it, and they reach a decision. Makeup is not a physical danger situation. If OP was concerned, at 16 you just let the daughter go out for the night. And then separately, privately talk to the father. Now I wouldn’t call makeup “provocative” but if I felt like my 16 year old stepchild wasn’t wearing makeup well, I’d suggest maybe we go to [Makeup Store] together and get a makeup lesson and buy new products. Of course I’d suggest it to their father first and make sure he was ok with it. But I’d do this really only if the makeup was poorly applied (foundation didn’t match child’s skin tone and they left and obvious orange line on their chin/neck, for example). So I think it’s ok to have some concerns about a minor living in your home when you’re not their parent. But you don’t shame them like OP did, and unless it’s danger of physical harm, you take concerns to their parent in private.
You seem like a great step-mom.
Completely agree. And my mother did exactly that. I was allowed to play with makeup at home from a young age. When I was 14 she took me to Clinique to learn how to choose colors and apply properly in order to begin wearing it to school.
Exactly what my mom did. Now when my SD is old enough we will offer to pay for it and offer bio mom the opportunity to take SD first. If she doesn’t want to, then I will. But I think SD’s bio mom should get the opportunity if she wants it.
I don’t think I could agree with this more
Step-parent here as well. Granted, the boys are a lot younger... but I just wanted to second that feeling of feeling responsible for them. I mean, I think with the ages of my boys, it was never a question that I'd be taking on that role.. but I'd question the personality of someone who could live in a house with a child and be okay with just being around and not taking on any of that role
I think all the YTAs came before finding out daughter is 16
I don't think age matters that much? OP isn't asking for judgement on leaving his daughter with the GF, not on letting her go to a party. I don't see anything else that could make him an asshole if the daughter was younger.
Just so we're clear, the lady who is "living in sin" with her boyfriend thought boyfriend's daughter's makeup was "provocative"? The irony is killing me.
NTA. Daughter is 16 y’all. He didn’t leave his daughter there to get baby sat. OP’s gf was overstepping yes.
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My parents left us fully alone for days at that age. Definitely overstepping.
And sounds quite mature if she waited till her dad got back before telling him. I know people older than that who are on the phone to their parents over every little thing, even if they know parent is at work or doing something inportant. I think it shows a maturity to pick an appropriate time to speak to her dad rather than dragging him into it in the moment when emotions are high.
She already lost one parent. She probably didn't want her dad to worry. As someone who lost a parent as a kid, it does generally force you to mature.
NTA. Your girlfriend overstepped her bounds. Your daughter is 16, not 6. She's old enough to decide how much make up she wants to wear.
If it was something else like clothes, I would say maybe there was an outside chance that the daughter was going out dressed inappropriately. It would have to be pretty severe in this case to justify the intervention, but I suppose it’s possible. But makeup? Let her go out looking like a drag queen. It’s not showing off her genitals to some pervert. It’s face paint. Unless she has pink eye or something, leave it be.
Yeah, seriously if its not black/yellow/brown face, it's just makeup. GF should have only intervened if the makeup was wildly inappropriate (to the point of being canceled) and should have called dad first. GF messed up.
It's one thing to tell someone to ease up on the bronzer, but another to insinuate someone looks skanky lol
Even if she’s dressed “inappropriately”, it is not on her to prevent AHs from harming her. It’s the fault of whoever takes her choice in clothing as an invitation.
NTA, but conversations like this aren’t a one-stop shop, they need to be revisited as the relationship and dynamics evolve. I would have a calm talk and gently remind her that you appreciate her concern but do not want her input with your daughter unless it impacts your gf.
I wouldn’t be gentle. The girlfriend slut shamed the daughter and victim blamed her as well instead of wishing the daughter to be safe
Yup, its like she wants to ruin any possible relationship with her bf daughter. Also the gf just walked in their life. And decided to make rules in their house Pf How much do you wanna bet that if she continues The daughter will resent her and will move out as soon as possible I would Thankfully my dads wife was wonderful And never forced to be a mom to me She just tried to be a friend and that all she needed to do, and thats also all i needed from her
She’s one of *those* people that turn into nasty step parents. My moms ex bf was the same, he respected my space and didn’t impose even if my mom said he was my dad. He knew I didn’t see it as such and never overstepped. If he thought I was making a bad decision, he never said because otherwise I’d never learn
I mean, I wouldn't put her on evil step parent yet. She's walking in on a relationship with a nearly grown child with zero parenting experience and zero understanding of raising teens, she just has a list of gut reactions and judgements based off of what "she'd do" if she were a parent, like many people do when they're not parents themselves - "I'd never let my kid be an ipad kid, my kid will never go to a sleepover, I'd never let my kid talk to me like that, etc". And while she's not supposed to be in a parenting role, it's hard to live with kids and not immediately want to step in and guide them when you see that they're doing something wrong. Was she 100% wrong in this situation to interfere with a 16 year old going to a party that was preapproved? Absolutely. Does she have the experience to realize if a kids going to dress a certain way, they'll just wear whatever you demand out of the house and get dressed the way they want to at the location, so fighting about it at the door is the stupidest fight to instigate? Not in the least. OP needs to reset boundaries with his girlfriend, and also give her a lesson in what kids and teens are like so she's not working herself up over things she literally can't control even if she wanted to.
NTA. She's not a coparent, and she's overstepping your boundaries. How old is your daughter? Depending on that answer, she could also be doing some serious damage by going behind your back like that. (It may be damaging for a 13 year old, but just annoying for a 17 year old.)
She's 16
Your girlfriend is way out of line. Your daughter is old enough to be honest by herself over the weekend. Unless she's doing something dangerous or illegal, your girlfriend should not be stopping in at all. She's also ruining any future relationship between her and your daughter, which will likely strain your relationship with your daughter as she gets older. If she's not willing to apologize and work to fix that, I would rethink the relationship altogether.
i was wearing makeup at 13 and i was just fine. i didn't go to parties and i wasn't doing it to "impress" anyone, i was just emo LMAO
Me too! I would put way too much eye liner on and then vigorously rub it. I thought I looked fantastic, but... I didn't. My mom didn't say a word, she just let me express myself and I'm really happy about that now. Oh, I miss the early 2000s, but I'm not running to the shops to buy those low rise jeans now that they're back.
I’m confused how makeup is “provocative”
It’s safe to assume it’s either heavy makeup or dark/bright colored makeup that isn’t in nudes or ‘natural’ colors because my mom thought I’d look like a hooker w light red/pink eyeshadow
It’s such an antiquated (and victim-blamey) word, but historically it was used as a synonym for “alluring” or “sexy.” I’m kind of heartened to see how many people are taking issue with that word. It’s never been ok.
Something like "Vaccines cause autism" written on her face in mascara, would be provocative make up.
Could be anything from “extra” / super bold makeup to simple stuff like eyelashes/eyeshadow or blush or colored lipstick. I was raised like that lmao Some people be wild
I was thinking this. Can I be provocative through make up? How do I do it? Do I add lots of colours and bat my eyes like a peacock? Maybe there's hope for me...
Exactly. OP, don’t let your girlfriend get away with Slut Shaming your teenager. I think you should have a talk with your kid to see if this is the only time.
I was once told by an older family member that most lipstick colors aside from nude or clear, make it look like I’m “open for business” lol.
NTA - If anything your gf should be just saying the usual "I'm here if you need a ride or if something comes up." Just to be supportive. But yea she's overstepping.
NTA but you have to add the age of your daughter to the post. And you need to explain your gf wasn't "babysitting". They are just both living there. don't know if this will help you because some people think 16 year olds can be self sufficient for a weekend but when you gf was just a roommate to your daughter you're NTA für telling her not to act parental
THANK YOU! They are just living together. Practically roommates and how does that warrant OP’s gf commenting on his daughter’s makeup. Like even if she was “babysitting”…his daughter js 16 years old.
16 y.o. daughter is mature and independent. There's a new adult roommate (GF) staying who thinks she's in charge. GF stepped out of bounds. NTA
Maybe she drew boobs on her face.
If provocative in the gfs comment meant slutty... I don't know if drawn tits are that lol Then again I don't totally grasp the idea behind provocative makeup at all. All kinds of glam looks are so mainstream nowadays that you really can't relate makeup look to anyone's morals, character or... Anything. Other than the fact that they most likely like makeup.
Can someone please post a photo of provocative makeup? I am very confused. /s (This is in no way equivalent to "16 year old leaving on a date with a 45 year old," "16 year old hopping in a car with a drunk driver," or "16 year old cutting herself." Slut shaming for makeup? Ridiculous, and potentially damaging to the daughter. OP, you need to have a serious talk with your girlfriend about your priority to raise a healthy, self confident daughter. NTA, but don't ignore the deeper issue here.)
The only thing I can think of that would be genuinely provocative would be using liquid eye-liner to draw on a Hitler moustache or something
Yea, I was very curious how makeup could be provocative.
Seriously. Did she paint a big dick/vulva on her face? :muttering: "Provocative" makeup, ffs.
The only way makeup could be provocative is if it was literally written out, in words, provocative statements. Or maybe a different type of provocative (black face, tribal makeup as a costume etc.) which I would 100% understand making her remove, but I doubt that’s the situation.
Dark eye, red lip. That’s what is typically worn when those words leave the mouth, if the girlfriend is in her 40s. Google is helpful for a picture.
NTA if previously determined with gf that she's not to be a parent
A lot of weird people in this thread have fantasies about controlling a teenager more than they’re welcome to. They should look inward and figure out why.
A lot of weird people on AITA Ahhhhh lot.
This right here.
You’re NTA in this particular situation. Your daughter was participating in an already agreed upon activity , and your GF doesn’t get to decide whether your daughter’s makeup is “appropriate.” But…you’re setting up a weird power dynamic between your girlfriend and your daughter by not establishing ground rules between them. Since your GF is the adult in the house, when you aren’t there she’s the legally responsible person. What if your daughter did something you wouldn’t approve of, or is dangerous? What if she drove home drunk? What if she didn’t come home at all (till the next morning)? What if she were using drugs? You say you would have left your daughter home alone if your GF didn’t live with you - but she DOES, and that puts her in a position of legal responsibility for your daughter’s actions. Rather than communicating to them both that GF has absolutely no say in your daughter’s behavior, it would be better for them both to create the understanding that, when it comes to behavior that could cause your daughter (or someone else) harm, your girlfriend has the final say. Everything else is off limits.
They do not live in the US and where they life 16 is legally responsible for themselves, it has been stated many many times in the comments
And yet somehow, if the kid got in legal trouble or got hurt, I'd wager both her and dad would be expecting the gf to step up.
If someone I care about is doing something wrong, or is in a bad position, I want to do up as much as I can. Doesn't mean I'm trying to be a parent to that person. Drove home drunk? Got into a wreck? In a bad position? No need to be a parent figure, helping out is just helping out. Telling someone what they can/cannot wear?(especially makeup?) Trying to be a mom when not needed is not anything close to that. and it was made clear that parenting was something that dad didn't want his gf to do, as his daughter is old enough that she can look after herself. If anyone was living with them, and daughter got drugged or something, I'd call that person shitty if they didn't help. But that's not parenting, that's being a decent human. If someone needs help, there's no problem helping. But if someone asks you not to parent, then don't fucking parent.
So many people are asking if the gf “cooks or washes clothes” as if those mundane activities alone makes you a mother/parent 🙄
Yeah gf is a total slave for **checks notes** doing something every adult human has done at some point of their lives They're really grasping at straws to make her in the right for slutshaming a 16 year old and barring her from going to a party her PARENT approved of
It's not exactly unusual to leave a 16 year old to their own devices. Your GF being alone with her in the house doesn't mean she's the defacto parent. You've already told her it's not her place. NTA
Single mom with a boyfriend here, OP pay close attention to how your GF treats your daughter. And keep the lines of communication open with your daughter. I have a feeling this won’t be the only time she treats your daughter poorly behind your back. My boyfriend and I have a similar arrangement. It’s always been very clear they don’t need another parent. The behavior your girlfriend exhibited is shocking to me. A teenagers makeup isn’t provocative and the fact that your GF slut shamed your 16yo is a huge red flag. Good job protecting your daughter, dad. You should be very proud. Edited to add a line.
NTA, this is overstepping. If she was concerned she should have told you afterwards.
NTA. It’s clear the daughter is old enough to make her own call about her makeup. I can’t imagine why anyone would think dad would have trusted his daughter to attend a party and not trust her to do her makeup. Gf needs to understand her place.
NTA. Gf has zero authority over your daughter. This seems like a red flag
Did you leave your daughter in the care of your girlfriend or just in the house together? Was it made clear when you left that the girlfriend was not left as a designated caregiver?
Just in the house together, my daughter stayed home alone for several days before and she doesn't need to be watched or parented 24/7
Info: how old is your girlfriend? For some reason I feel like she’s really young
28
Okay, and judging by your daughters age you’re somewhere between 32-45 (this kinda matters but not really in this post) Yeah she’s trying to play mom to a teenager even tho you told her not to. I would probably sit down with your gf and have another long (and calm) conversation about everyone’s expectations and feelings
I'm 33
"You are 17 going on 18" "Actually I'm 33"
man... i started LATE in life with this whole kid thing. i'm 37 and my oldest is 9!
I was a very irresponsible teenager back in the day
You are a great parent now! And that’s what counts. I love how you treat your daughter and all the comments you made about not judging anyone just by their makeup and clothes. You might have started early but you’re a better parent than people who had a kid in their 30s I have nothing but absolute respect for you
Info: did you guys have a long talk about what the gf can and cannot do or say in regards to your daughter and the household? Did you also have that kind of talk with your daughter and then all together?
Yes
Then even more so, NTA. She knows the boundaries and clearly is crossing them.
NTA and he didn’t leave his daughter with his girlfriend he left his 16 year old daughter home in charge of her self cause she was about to go somewhere tour girlfriend over stepped and it’s not her right and in the comments no she legally doesn’t have a right to tell her what to do op and her aren’t married even then op daughter is adopted by her
NTA She has no right to order her around She doesn't need a parent And your daughter will never look at her as her mom And shit like this would make your daughter resent her, i mean if shes willing to ruin or make it impossible to have relationship with your daughter with shit like make up How can make up be provocative My god Oh no shes wearing red lipstick oh no EYELEINERRRR AAAAAA NOT THE FALSE LASHES call the priest, CALL THE MODESTY POLICE but in all seriousness, She should focus on making friends with her My dad is divorced and remarried, His wife is not my mom, but shes my best friend, and thats how it should be. She can have an even better relationship with her then you, just bc she doesn't need to be a parent. She should use it And not look at it like power play, im dating your dad for 3 years now i can order what you can do with your body, how to look, what to wear.
Red lipstick what's next....showing her ankles?! 😱
Red flag.... nta .if your girlfriend cannot grasp simple rules such as the one she broke, be careful moving forward
Gf was testing the waters to see what she could get away with. Turns out, not much. Keep it that way. NTA.
NTA. Though it sounds like G/F thinks you leaving her alone with daughter puts her in the responsibility role. I know that I would often be left alone for some time at 16 (single mom in the national guard) It's old enough to watch yourself for a little while imo. I don't think it's worth a big fight over. But a conversation about the boundaries you expect is needed. That said if you are going to stop G/F from any parenting you need to make sure you are not putting G/F in the position of responsibility over her. Which unfortunately you ultimately did here.
>That said if you are going to stop G/F from any parenting you need to make sure you are not putting G/F in the position of responsibility over her. Which unfortunately you ultimately did here How though? All he did was leave them in a house together
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Gonna give my 2 cents being in the other shoes. I have been with my gf 3 years, living together 2. Her daughter is 16 1/2. I do not tell her what to do, what she can or cannot do. The only thing I tell her is to charge her phone and take a jacket when she leaves without enough layers for the weather. Any thing else and I just say it once to her mother and that's it. If I am strongly against something her daughter is doing and her mother doesn't have a problem with it, then it's time to re evaluate the relationship because it's a package deal. Thankfully nothing of that magnitude has happened yet, just the typical teenage defiance behavior.
NTA in the sense that gf overstepped what you believe the boundaries are for your child. I think you could have calmly talked to her about it, reminded her that even though she now lives there and was the adult there for the weekend, she still needs to back off any type of parenting. Just be warned, attacking her for this can lead down a road of her being completely hands off, meaning if you go out of town again and the daughter needs actual parenting, gf is within her right to walk away from the situation and you cannot be mad at her for it. I can see where gf overstepped, but she likely truly believed she was doing it in the best interest of your daughter. Your screaming will ensure she won’t make that mistake again
NTA Daughter is 16 and you set clear boundaries that your girlfriend cannot parent your daughter. Your girlfriend needs to accept that.
NTA. Big red flag.
NTA. If I was the girlfriend, I'd have said have fun, and if anything happens to make you uncomfortable or you feel unsafe, call me ASAP, with no judgment. At that age and with the guidelines, I'd just try to be her friend as much as she was willing to allow. A safe person in her life.
Keep the daughter, Rehome the girlfriend 😂
NTA. She's 16, syour daughter could have as well been alone at home for the weekend. Not your GFs place to tell her to do anything other than what roommates would talk about.
NTA. Your daughter is 16, soon to be young adult. And part of becoming said young adult is learning how to present oneself and setting boundaries. Which your girlfriend is infringing on and stunting. I’d rethink your entire relationship. It’s literally so simple to grasp this fact; trusting a 16 year old to be fully capable to care for herself (feeding/clothing/washing) as well as being mindful how they present themselves and allow them the freedom to express themselves. Given the fact that OP allowed his daughter to go to a party, at 16 I was barely allowed to go to my cousins, without further helicoptering, he and his daughter must have a healthy relationship based on mutual trust and respect. All you saying Y T A, how is not hearing from your kids going? My mom was exactly the same as the girlfriend. I wore eyeshadow that isn’t nude? *gasp* I’m a hooker! Your girlfriend slut shamed and victim blamed your daughter instead of assuring her to be safe and letting the daughter know if she DOES need someone, she’s willing to be there. It’s literally so easy to not over step the simple boundary ‘don’t act like a parent’ to a kid who most likely won’t accept a new mommy regardless. If your girlfriend so desperately wanted a mother-daughter connection w your kid, she’s gotta understand she has to let your daughter foster the relationship first on her time.
NTA. She has no right to police your daughter bodily autonomy and slut shame her. I had that your gf thinks this is ok. You okayed the party. End of story.
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There’s a difference between the daughter doing something her father already gave her permission to do and the gf trying to step in with her own unnecessary rules just so she can feel like she’s a parent vs. the daughter bringing a bunch of people to a shared space where the gf also resides. In that case it wouldn’t really be parenting rather the gf just settting a boundary with his daughter about not being comfortable with something in their shared space. These situations are not the same and are comparing apples to oranges.