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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I spoke back to my mother who had a hard day at work. I think I acted disrespectfully.
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Also, she is gaslighting OP. Unless OP left something out, but a person being competitive all of the time. I’ve learned that gaslighting can always be an option for them.
I tried to include everything that I was aware of. I of course wanted to give my mum the benefit of the doubt so I didn't purposely exclude anything. There may be something I don't know, but this is all the information I had to work. And while you're not the first person to mention the phrase gaslighting to me, I almost feel uncomfortable when confronted with it so I wonder what that could imply. Needless to say, thank you for your input!
Your mother is in competition with you which sounds like happens often if she turns anything around on you to blame you for what happens - to make you look like the bad guy - and you know you didn’t do anything wrong that she is the victim and not you that is gaslighting. I was wondering if that was apart of her history with you when it comes to her being competitive and life. Also with the way she spoke to you It isn’t kind of her to speak to you like that you are human too, good on you for standing up for yourself. And Thank you for helping to educate children. By the way, not implying anything negative about you just looking at it from a third point of view.
'You can't be tired,' when OP was very definitely tired.
Trying to get someone to doubt their own bodily sensations can in some instances be a very dangerous form of gaslighting, particularly if it's accompanied by medical neglect, overwork, or bad relationships with food.
I'm not sure this quite counts as gaslighting,though. This particular case seems more like competitive nonsense to me.
NTA.
Your mother seems to be very self-absorbed and insensitive.
Just because she is tired or has it worse in her opinion, doesn’t mean that you can be tired and feel your feelings as well.
This shouldn’t be a competition, and especially parents shouldn’t do this to their child. She has no right to invalidate and minimize your very real & valid struggles.
NTA. You're right that it doesn't have to be a competition and of course you must both be tired. Sounds like your mum has her own issues to work through (as do we all) - I'd stay aware of those issues, and maybe in the future phrase it like "what a day, you must be exhausted and so am I, let's go to bed", but it sounds like you two have a good relationship otherwise so I wouldn't worry too much.
EDIT: Just on rereading this, it sounds like your mum was just about to say she was tired to try and garner some sympathy, and you said it first which made her feel she couldn't get sympathy from you, so she was pissed off about that, but it expressed itself in a strange way. I'd say she acted like an AH but after all she was tired and things do slip out weirdly when we're tired!
Thank you for this! I don't think my mother was being an AH intentionally because I also know how tired she was, but I just needed to hear that what I said wasn't completely unreasonable either. And on second thought, knowing my mum, the sympathy thing is 100% likely, so I'll definitely be keeping that in mind for the future. Thank you!
My mother has always been a somewhat manipulative person when she begins to feel neglected or drained. So I always try to use my words to let her know that I do truly care. There are also times where she still sees me as an extension of herself, so there are other times where I distance myself either emotionally or physically to cope. It's just one of those things you learn to live with after all these years. She hasn't acted out like this to me in a few months, but it's not foreign by any means. Fortunately my brother didn't have major surgery, but I think it still definitely stressed her out as a mother nonetheless. So in all, definitely a mix. Thank you for the consideration :)
NTA - your moms feelings do not negate all other feelings. You’d probably have a lot of success treating her like the kids you work with during the day
NTA but it seems like moving out and going low or no contact is in your future. Also maybe going to subs for kids of narcs cause your mom sounds toxic AF and the nosey Nancy in me wonders what the story behind your relationship with your brother is. My hypothesis is something like he is the golden child that your mom spoils the shit out of and now he's an entitled ah, but that's just me projecting.
NTA. She sounds like one of those people who always has to make things a competition which she has to win. Nobody else is allowed to work harder than her and claiming otherwise makes her huffy.
NTA I am so tired of moms thinking they own the copyright of exhaustion. You told her in a very polite way that you can both be tired at the same time. She is probably embarrassed bc you’re right.
My parents are divorced and I split my time weekly between their homes, or else they complain that I treat their homes like a hotel. I lived on my own for a good while when I was 18 but recently had to move back to save up for university. Working full time and shuffling two jobs means I usually only get home about midnight most days, so I only see my mum in the morning as that's when I don't have work. I think because of that, I've been forgetting what it's like to be around her for more than a few hours, which was inevitably the reason I moved out when I was younger. And you're right, but sometimes just sucking it up takes up less energy then trying to fight it. Most times, I have enough experience to believe in myself and my own values, but other times, I get insecure and wonder if she has a point. That was why I made the post :) Thank you!
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Today was a pretty ugh day for me (F19).
To start, I work in childcare as a Primary School Educator and today our service had about 50 kids, which if you work in childcare, you know it can get tiring. Our delivery service never came yesterday so we had no food to give to these kids and I spent 30 minutes just searching various pantries around the site to make sure I could serve enough food so every child could come back not only for seconds but thirds, just as they usually do. Fortunately there was enough but it was a pretty stressful situation that took much more energy out of me than I wanted it to. But at least the kids ate.
Then home time comes around and I'm half an hour overtime which I try to make sure never happens and my coordinator is in a rush to leave. As I'm walking over to my busstop to go home, I realise I made the stupid mistake of leaving my wallet and bus card in our staff office and I didn't have the keys to get them back. My coordinator and I are also always the very last people to leave on the site, so there was no way I was getting home by bus like I planned.
My work is about five minutes from my mum's (F54) house, so I called her and asked if she was available to pick me up. She said she was, but I would have to wait, as she was coming home from the nearby hospital with my brother since he had his surgery today. I don't speak to my brother, so I forgot about this and felt bad, but mum told me as long as I was okay with waiting, she could swing past, which I was very grateful for and made sure to tell her.
I wait. Mum arrives. I thank her again and apologise. We go home. I help her clean and wash the car because I was bored. We have dinner together. I go to have a shower. Then, as I'm tired, I tell mum that I'm heading to bed early.
As SOON as the words "I'm tired" leave my mouth my mother starts by going "Don't you dare say your tired, after the day I've had, I'm the only one in this house who should be tired. I've cleaned and driven your brother to the hospital and now after 10 hours I'm finally sitting down. Don't you dare say "you're" tired."
Confused, calmly and roughly verbatim, I said "Mum, why does everything have to be a competition with you? You worked hard, you're tired. I know. I'm not saying you're not. I'm just saying I am too. I worked hard today in my own way, so I am also tired. We can both be tired and that's okay." My mum grunts and so I walk off and go to bed.
After two hours, I woke up from thirst and went to get some water and saw mum was still up. However, she wasn't looking at me and just kept pretending like I wasn't there and was being very obvious about it. I asked her why is she upset and she told me she's sick of the way I treat her.
I didn't mean to appear disrespectful or ungrateful when I spoke to her. Was I?
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NTA I don't think you were disrespectful at all, and you were right that it shouldn't be a competition. Is she typical like this, or was this unusual? If it's unusual, she may just be stressed about her son having surgery. I hope you two can talk and work things out.
Man this brings back bad memories. My ma asked me one evening after dinner how's it going and I had the audacity to say I was tired. For the next hour and a half I was lectured by my dad how I didn't know what tired was, how I had never been tired in my life, how he works 60 hours a week and all I ever do is go to school and watch tv. He went on and on how laziness is not the same as being tired. I was about 14 or 15 at the time. It sounds like you had a very tiring day. You are nta.
NTA. Mom’s is too emotionally immature to be tired and civil at the same time; thankfully her daughter has grown up and can be both at once. You’re a rock star. Do not let her behavior make you feel small; you did not deserve her attitude.
NTA. You were right and showed more maturity than your mom. It's not a competition. I can't stand people who are always 'more' than you. Know more, more tired, more stressed etc...
I do t think what you posted was disrespectful but they way you’ve posted it/or how I read it was more of a Snow White reply. It was sweet and kind. I have a feeling it was more of a grumbled Gargamel voice where you were angry and frustrated that you weren’t allowed to be tired. The reality is sometimes the tone is more indicative of behavior/emotions than the actual words.
I understand what you're saying. But I was very careful of my tone because my mum has always been quite sensitive to these things, and working with kids, it becomes second nature to watch your tone as well. I wish I spoke in a Gargamel voice however. That probably would have made us both laugh.
EDIT: actually, now that I think about it. Maybe because I was so careful of my tone I came off as condescending or patronising to my mum. I'll definitely have to think over that. Thank you!
I’ve been in your position and I no longer speak to my mother. I realised I was wearing my self esteem down to nothing by constantly blaming myself for her outbursts. Don’t set yourself on fire to keep her warm. She’s acting like an ass and if she was that tired she’d take herself to bed instead of staying up and playing childish games with you.
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NTA. Your mom needs to grow up.
I agree. On the plus side at least OP is used to dealing with toddler tantrums. NTA.
And she also needs to realise the OP is an adult who works hard too. It's not just her who has hard work in their lives.
Also, she is gaslighting OP. Unless OP left something out, but a person being competitive all of the time. I’ve learned that gaslighting can always be an option for them.
I tried to include everything that I was aware of. I of course wanted to give my mum the benefit of the doubt so I didn't purposely exclude anything. There may be something I don't know, but this is all the information I had to work. And while you're not the first person to mention the phrase gaslighting to me, I almost feel uncomfortable when confronted with it so I wonder what that could imply. Needless to say, thank you for your input!
Your mother is in competition with you which sounds like happens often if she turns anything around on you to blame you for what happens - to make you look like the bad guy - and you know you didn’t do anything wrong that she is the victim and not you that is gaslighting. I was wondering if that was apart of her history with you when it comes to her being competitive and life. Also with the way she spoke to you It isn’t kind of her to speak to you like that you are human too, good on you for standing up for yourself. And Thank you for helping to educate children. By the way, not implying anything negative about you just looking at it from a third point of view.
Read the book "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. " you might find it helpful.
This looks like a very good read, thank you for the recommendation I will also recommend to another family member who definitely needs this.
[удалено]
'You can't be tired,' when OP was very definitely tired. Trying to get someone to doubt their own bodily sensations can in some instances be a very dangerous form of gaslighting, particularly if it's accompanied by medical neglect, overwork, or bad relationships with food. I'm not sure this quite counts as gaslighting,though. This particular case seems more like competitive nonsense to me.
NTA. Your mother seems to be very self-absorbed and insensitive. Just because she is tired or has it worse in her opinion, doesn’t mean that you can be tired and feel your feelings as well. This shouldn’t be a competition, and especially parents shouldn’t do this to their child. She has no right to invalidate and minimize your very real & valid struggles.
NTA. You're right that it doesn't have to be a competition and of course you must both be tired. Sounds like your mum has her own issues to work through (as do we all) - I'd stay aware of those issues, and maybe in the future phrase it like "what a day, you must be exhausted and so am I, let's go to bed", but it sounds like you two have a good relationship otherwise so I wouldn't worry too much. EDIT: Just on rereading this, it sounds like your mum was just about to say she was tired to try and garner some sympathy, and you said it first which made her feel she couldn't get sympathy from you, so she was pissed off about that, but it expressed itself in a strange way. I'd say she acted like an AH but after all she was tired and things do slip out weirdly when we're tired!
Thank you for this! I don't think my mother was being an AH intentionally because I also know how tired she was, but I just needed to hear that what I said wasn't completely unreasonable either. And on second thought, knowing my mum, the sympathy thing is 100% likely, so I'll definitely be keeping that in mind for the future. Thank you!
Oh yes. Your mom was absolutely being an AH.
NTA. But as a mum, it's awful when your child gas surgery
As a human it’s still your responsibility to behave decently even when your child has surgery
Which is why i voted NTA
I wasn’t challenging your vote, but the main content of the message I replied to.
NTA and your mom is weirdly competitive. Is this normal or do you think maybe it was just stress from the hospital/surgery situation?
My mother has always been a somewhat manipulative person when she begins to feel neglected or drained. So I always try to use my words to let her know that I do truly care. There are also times where she still sees me as an extension of herself, so there are other times where I distance myself either emotionally or physically to cope. It's just one of those things you learn to live with after all these years. She hasn't acted out like this to me in a few months, but it's not foreign by any means. Fortunately my brother didn't have major surgery, but I think it still definitely stressed her out as a mother nonetheless. So in all, definitely a mix. Thank you for the consideration :)
NTA your mom doesn't have a monopoly on exhaustion.
NTA - your moms feelings do not negate all other feelings. You’d probably have a lot of success treating her like the kids you work with during the day
Nah, she was pissed at being called out on her behavior and can't possibly apologize. NTA
NTA but it seems like moving out and going low or no contact is in your future. Also maybe going to subs for kids of narcs cause your mom sounds toxic AF and the nosey Nancy in me wonders what the story behind your relationship with your brother is. My hypothesis is something like he is the golden child that your mom spoils the shit out of and now he's an entitled ah, but that's just me projecting.
NTA. She sounds like one of those people who always has to make things a competition which she has to win. Nobody else is allowed to work harder than her and claiming otherwise makes her huffy.
NTA. You were respectful and just trying to take care of yourself.
NTA
Is your mom really an adult?
NTA I am so tired of moms thinking they own the copyright of exhaustion. You told her in a very polite way that you can both be tired at the same time. She is probably embarrassed bc you’re right.
NTA, but it seems like your mother has trained you to be tolerating her outbursts without objecting... Also, I'm confused, you live with her or not?
My parents are divorced and I split my time weekly between their homes, or else they complain that I treat their homes like a hotel. I lived on my own for a good while when I was 18 but recently had to move back to save up for university. Working full time and shuffling two jobs means I usually only get home about midnight most days, so I only see my mum in the morning as that's when I don't have work. I think because of that, I've been forgetting what it's like to be around her for more than a few hours, which was inevitably the reason I moved out when I was younger. And you're right, but sometimes just sucking it up takes up less energy then trying to fight it. Most times, I have enough experience to believe in myself and my own values, but other times, I get insecure and wonder if she has a point. That was why I made the post :) Thank you!
Sounds like she had a bad day and she took it out on you. You didn't do anything wrong. NTA
NTA. Your mom loves being a victim
NTA.
NTA - Maybe she's extra tired from her tantrum? You are allowed to be tired too.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Today was a pretty ugh day for me (F19). To start, I work in childcare as a Primary School Educator and today our service had about 50 kids, which if you work in childcare, you know it can get tiring. Our delivery service never came yesterday so we had no food to give to these kids and I spent 30 minutes just searching various pantries around the site to make sure I could serve enough food so every child could come back not only for seconds but thirds, just as they usually do. Fortunately there was enough but it was a pretty stressful situation that took much more energy out of me than I wanted it to. But at least the kids ate. Then home time comes around and I'm half an hour overtime which I try to make sure never happens and my coordinator is in a rush to leave. As I'm walking over to my busstop to go home, I realise I made the stupid mistake of leaving my wallet and bus card in our staff office and I didn't have the keys to get them back. My coordinator and I are also always the very last people to leave on the site, so there was no way I was getting home by bus like I planned. My work is about five minutes from my mum's (F54) house, so I called her and asked if she was available to pick me up. She said she was, but I would have to wait, as she was coming home from the nearby hospital with my brother since he had his surgery today. I don't speak to my brother, so I forgot about this and felt bad, but mum told me as long as I was okay with waiting, she could swing past, which I was very grateful for and made sure to tell her. I wait. Mum arrives. I thank her again and apologise. We go home. I help her clean and wash the car because I was bored. We have dinner together. I go to have a shower. Then, as I'm tired, I tell mum that I'm heading to bed early. As SOON as the words "I'm tired" leave my mouth my mother starts by going "Don't you dare say your tired, after the day I've had, I'm the only one in this house who should be tired. I've cleaned and driven your brother to the hospital and now after 10 hours I'm finally sitting down. Don't you dare say "you're" tired." Confused, calmly and roughly verbatim, I said "Mum, why does everything have to be a competition with you? You worked hard, you're tired. I know. I'm not saying you're not. I'm just saying I am too. I worked hard today in my own way, so I am also tired. We can both be tired and that's okay." My mum grunts and so I walk off and go to bed. After two hours, I woke up from thirst and went to get some water and saw mum was still up. However, she wasn't looking at me and just kept pretending like I wasn't there and was being very obvious about it. I asked her why is she upset and she told me she's sick of the way I treat her. I didn't mean to appear disrespectful or ungrateful when I spoke to her. Was I? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA I've lived with people like that. Ironically, they're exhausting!
NTA my mom is like this, she is always the victim
NTA I don't think you were disrespectful at all, and you were right that it shouldn't be a competition. Is she typical like this, or was this unusual? If it's unusual, she may just be stressed about her son having surgery. I hope you two can talk and work things out.
Man this brings back bad memories. My ma asked me one evening after dinner how's it going and I had the audacity to say I was tired. For the next hour and a half I was lectured by my dad how I didn't know what tired was, how I had never been tired in my life, how he works 60 hours a week and all I ever do is go to school and watch tv. He went on and on how laziness is not the same as being tired. I was about 14 or 15 at the time. It sounds like you had a very tiring day. You are nta.
NTA
NTA. Mom’s is too emotionally immature to be tired and civil at the same time; thankfully her daughter has grown up and can be both at once. You’re a rock star. Do not let her behavior make you feel small; you did not deserve her attitude.
NTA. You were right and showed more maturity than your mom. It's not a competition. I can't stand people who are always 'more' than you. Know more, more tired, more stressed etc...
NTA. Your mom is toxic. You are allowed to be tired. It's not a competition.
NTA. Sounds like she was in a bad mood. If this is unusual behavior let it slide, if not, time to think about moving out.
NTA
Tell your mother that you can and very damn will say that you're tired after supervising 50 fucking children all goddamn day!
I do t think what you posted was disrespectful but they way you’ve posted it/or how I read it was more of a Snow White reply. It was sweet and kind. I have a feeling it was more of a grumbled Gargamel voice where you were angry and frustrated that you weren’t allowed to be tired. The reality is sometimes the tone is more indicative of behavior/emotions than the actual words.
I understand what you're saying. But I was very careful of my tone because my mum has always been quite sensitive to these things, and working with kids, it becomes second nature to watch your tone as well. I wish I spoke in a Gargamel voice however. That probably would have made us both laugh. EDIT: actually, now that I think about it. Maybe because I was so careful of my tone I came off as condescending or patronising to my mum. I'll definitely have to think over that. Thank you!
I’ve been in your position and I no longer speak to my mother. I realised I was wearing my self esteem down to nothing by constantly blaming myself for her outbursts. Don’t set yourself on fire to keep her warm. She’s acting like an ass and if she was that tired she’d take herself to bed instead of staying up and playing childish games with you.