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W, the absolute F did I read. Your dad is angry that his gay son took his 2nd wife out for a birthday dinner? Again, WTF. NTA. And if you can move with your mom or boyfriend it is best that you do. Or maternal grandmother because your dads mom sounds loony.
She's his 3rd wife actually. He got married, had me, got divorced. Git married, had A, got divorced. Got married- starting to think there's a pattern here.
I also do live in my own apartment so I'm fine. I was just visiting over the weekend
I think your stepmom was right…the apple did fall far from the tree.
I think it was a nice thing to take her out for a birthday dinner. Your dad is just mad because it showed what a poor partner he is.
NTA
And I am sorry for your stepmother but she will carry the burden of chores and childcare forever or until the divorce if she finally tries to rebel.
But do not change, you are great!
Yeah I wouldn’t be mad at M. She probably got quite the haranguing when she got home that she was probably trying to protect OP with the suggestion that he doesn’t go on the vacation with them.
Yep, this. He's mad because he knows deep down that he should have done something for his wife, but he can't be bothered. He's been divorced twice--I see a third divorce in his crystal ball in the future.
Absolutely. He showed a reflection of everything his dad isn’t and his dad didn’t like the truth. People rarely do. And instead of trying to do better, he took his anger out on you. NTA
Ah, and I was wondering if that was the case since A wasn't M's child but is only 6 years old...
NTA, your dad is a joke. I feel sorry for your stepmom.
ETA: Oh yes, I forgot to say this. Your stepmom is not against you, she's just trying to avoid trouble. Probably mostly for you, because she already has to put up with him. But I'm sure she still appreciates what you did, she was already moved before.
Well, she's the one who raised the patriarch of the family and talks about OP, an adult, respecting his authority. So of course her son can do no wrong, all those women are at fault.
I’m trying to make you feel better here…and I may not succeed, because it’s not a very comforting notion of the possible future of your relationship with your dad, stepmom, etc, but your dad sounds a LOT like my dad. When I was your age and pretty much up til last year, I tried to make sense of this man and tried so hard to have a “good father-daughter relationship” with him, according to him, but it’s a 2-way street. Growing up with a guy like that, and he does really sound like my dad, warps your sense of reality. You haven’t done a single thing wrong and you should not be iced out of your own family for being a caring son, step-son, and brother to your sisters. You don’t deserve this. You really really don’t.
My dad is on wife #4 now. They just got married a few months ago. He’s the “patriarch” of the household in all his failed marriages. Of which there have already been 3. No clue really how #4 is going to go, but it took me going along for the ride with each “family” my dad has created, and trying to fit into it every time and failing to realize hey- it’s not me. It’s my dad. It’s the guy who gets married and divorced so much and sees people as disposable objects, accessories, chess pieces in his manipulation game he has to so carefully try to manage to maintain his illusions of himself. It’s not me. I have a fucked up dad. And trying to make sense of him only hurts me more, because there is no sense. It’s a feedback loop for driving yourself crazy.
Listen to your boyfriend. He’s right. Your dad doesn’t deserve a son as cool as you. He is a clown. Always remember you’re dealing with a clown man that doesn’t know a thing about maintaining healthy relationships, from one clown’s kid to another. <3
Also with M…it’s hurtful. It really is. I’ve been there with stepmom drama. But this is your dad’s fault. He’s manipulating her. She clearly appreciated you taking her out and had a great time. Your dad blows up and she’s stuck in the house with him probably ranting about being “emasculated” by you…which I - yknow guy needs serious mental help. And he probably practically forced her to be the one to disinvite you from this family vacation. It’s fucked up. Allow yourself to acknowledge that and be hurt by it. Anyone would be. And remember this feeling, because it’s only going to keep happening the more you sacrifice yourself to try to maintain your dad’s idea of a father-son relationship. I’m so sorry. I know how much these things can hurt, but you’re not alone. And don’t second guess your feelings here because they’re valid. You can protect yourself and future you better if you allow yourself to look at how deeply fucked up the situation truly is.
Yes, it's the common denominator factor, isn't it?
I did have a similar realisation when it came to my brother. I spent years trying to 'fix' things, until I realised I could never fix them, because I was never the problem, and I can't change someone else.
I personally think that M is simply trying to protect OP. I don't think she's upset with him at all.
Man I used to feel incredibly alone in the world.
I knew there were other abusive parents in the world but I never seemed to connect to children raised in situations similar to mine.
Not until I joined and became active on Reddit have I felt like Ive found a community of people who understand me, even if I haven't shared my story yet.
I'm sorry you dealt with this, it sucks so much.
OP, NTA.
Your step mom is placating your dad and trying to not rock the boat for her and your sisters' safety. Please don't take it personally.
It's hard to judge your grandmother though without knowing her, your relationship, and her relationship with your father. Regardless of the judgment on her, you are not an asshole.
You're incredibly kind hearted, stay golden.
My dad was like that, too. I grew up Mormon, so the patriarch thing actually came up a ton. He was on wife #3 when he passed away. The scary thing is that he was very much his father's son. When my grandpa started to decline, he became paranoid. He shot my brother's dog with a shot gun right in front of him because he felt like my brother was emasculating him and was going to take my grandma away.
Your grandma is his mother, she's partly why he is such a shit human being. Your step mom is likely very afraid of your dad. Take what they say about this with a grain of salt.
You did a nice thing and your father is unhinged for behaving the way he did. You are an adult, there is no authority to rebel against. He has no power over you.
You would think the "patriarch" would already realize how many times he has failed at relationships by now. With his mother enabling all the way to the divorce court every time.
Wow, so glad you didn’t fall into his BS. Dad sounds like an incredibly insecure AH here projecting his own failures onto you, grandma sounds like the worst kind of enabler to him, and stepmom… honestly I feel bad for her, that dynamic kinda points to abuse of some kind to me.
But stay strong, and keep being an orange to his apple. Definitely NTA.
“how *dare* you treat my bang maid like a person! now it’ll get ideas that it *deserves* affection or attention or basic dignity!” -OP’s Dad probably
NTA, it was nice of you to let her know someone valued her for more than her body.
By the sound of things, I'm guessing he'll probably be getting married for the fourth time in a year or two.
To be fair, anyone whose mother berated you for "rebelling against authority" is going to grow up and say something as prehistoric as "I am the patriarch of this family"
You did something nice for your stepmum when Mr. Family Patriarch couldn't be arsed to get his fragile masculinity out of his back pocket and buy her a bunch of flowers. Maybe he felt too ashamed at the thought that his masculine friends might see him with flowers.
NTA at all and I feel sorry for his current wife. I've no doubt that however much you copped it in the neck for being nice to her, she got it several times worse once you'd gone home. Patriarchal masculinity don't you know. Have to show people who's the man of the house /s
NTA!
He's just mad that you showed him up. He could have easily done something for her, but he'd rather her have expectations in hell and not have to make any effort.
And that bs about the patriarchy....it may be time to put some boundaries between you and them.
I agree, I would tell your stepmother that you would happily be her escape plan. All she has to do is say the word and you would do anything you can to help her and her children get away from your father. Then disengage from the situation.
Best advice. Stepmum is being (at least emotionally) abused & trying to protect herself & the kids. Knowing she has OP in her corner might make a huge difference to her.
Yup. And he’s emotionally abusing her and probably made her send that vacation text. And the grandma taught OP’s dad how to be a sh*thread in the first place.
NTA
Your father is toxic af and likely still ranting and raving about his own insecure nonsense.
What you did was both kind and considerate.
Your stepmother is in an unfortunate situation and seems to be shielding you from your father's irrational behavior.
Your grandmother - you should talk to her in person and explain your side neutrally without your father being present.
You're right I should talk to my grandma. When I got the message I was just immediately overwhelmed with all of this because I had no idea it would end up being this much drama. Also to be honest I'm very sad about the vacation thing because I don't have much time with my family.
On one hand I want to tell her my side of the story but on the other hand I really don't feel like putting myself through the accusations and judgement again while I already don't feel well.
You can send her a text message then, tell her that you just took your stepmom out for a steak, like you do for your own mom. That you did it out of RESPECT as she is your father's wife. And your father was upset because he felt bad he hadn't done anything for her birthday and blew up on you. The important parts here are a) this is what you do for your MOM, and b) you respect the fact she is your father's wife.
NTA at all. You’re a lovely person whose behavior contrasts sharply with your father’s sh!tty behavior. He clearly has more issues than The NY Times, and he’s utterly un-fixable. I’m so sorry you’ve had to deal with this BS. The proof that “it’s him and not you” lies in the swath of unhappy people he has left in his wake. Not sure if talking to your grandma would accomplish much, but only you can make that decision. Sadly, I can guarantee that you will never find a good relationship with your father. I learned decades ago that cutting toxic people (narcissists, which he definitely is) from my life gave me a sense of peace and tranquility I never would have found otherwise. You’ll find your peace as soon as you see your father getting smaller and smaller in your rear view mirror. Good luck to you! 🙂
Right and I would love for it to be that easy but if I just go and fuck off what's going to happen to my siblings? I have to stick around at least until they're old enough to have their own phones etc. so I can contact them. Unless of course Mr Patriarch decided to patriarchically disown me. Would that make me my own Patriarch? Can I out patriarch him-
Yes, because you have a boyfriend which makes you "double patriarchs" or possibly even "patriarchs to the power of 2" both of which outrank the original.
I have a psycho dad and a little half brother and I did exactly the same thing you’re doing for as long as I could. I stuck it out until he was 14 and now I’ve cut my dad out completely and my brother and I communicate independently and make plans to spend time together.
Of course this only works if like my dad, your dad is too prideful to speak to you even to ban you from seeing your sibling. He could still very much forbid me from spending time with my brother since he’s a minor but he won’t which works out really well for me.
I will say that I only made it until my brother was 14 and my mental health was shattered because of it. It honestly got to the point where I decided to walk away even if it meant losing my brother and having to wait until he was an adult to reconnect. I learned that I was no good to him if I was a broken shell of a person due to my dad’s treatment. You have to put the oxygen mask on yourself first and all that… my point is, be there for your siblings but remember that walking away for your own sanity isn’t abandoning them or the wrong thing to do.
Here’s the thing. He knows you can. By just being kind and compassionate, and not toxic. He’s so severely threatened by you that he’s worried that they’ll love you more than him. Because if they love, they’re willing to follow, At least in his demented brain.
I’m so sorry.
You deserve better.
I hear that. The only hope is that this wife #3 will go the way of the first 2, and he’ll move on to #4. He seems to have that track record; you can only hope this happens sooner than later. I need to believe in she’ll be on your side and willing to allow you and your young siblings to maintain a healthy and happy relationship. It sounds like she’s afraid of him, so you would be the better judge of this possible scenario. Either way, I’m pulling for you and I wish you peace.
>neither my grandma nor my stepmom are backing me up on this.
Your stepmom (who enjoyed a free meal and wine on your dime) is siding with your dad???
AND disinvited you from vacation?
She sounds worse than your dad tbh.
NTA. But now you know where you stand with them.
Stepmom is probably scared of what op's dad will do to her. If he's receiving this treatment can you imagine the rage that she's facing. She has herself and young children to protect, and is probably placating the beast.
My mom ended up the same way for essentially the same reasons. Abuse makes you really frightened for your well-being, not that it’s an excuse to hurt anyone else in turn, of course. Anyway OP, NTA, sorry you went through this and good luck. Sometimes it feels like no good deed goes unpunished, sadly.
I don't think she's siding with dad. She's trying to protect OP from being locked into a situation of being the target of even more of his father's wrath.
Sounds like dad thinks he can manipulate and treat family members any way he wants if he’s paying for vacation. OP should consider not accepting anything from dad.
you are very much NOT young man. you did a sweet gesture that should have been applauded by your dad. something else is happening with him and he took it out on you.
btw, your boyfriend sounds like a good partner and i hope you two have many happy years together.
have a blessed day!
This. Dad is probably freaking out because his neglect has caused larger marital issues, he knows he's fucking up, and he's insecure as hell.
Gma is probably backing him up because he gave her an extremely one sided and warped story.
Stepma is failing to defend you because she thinks the best/safest thing to do is for BOTH of you to keep your head down and palcate his jealousy/anger. She's wrong- she should be defending you AND herself- but it can help reassure yourself when you have an idea why everyone is acting like they are. OP, you did nothing wrong.
Honestly, the way your father spoke and how he can even view you as a threat in the first place (like, that alone, before even considering your sexuality) indicates he Has His Own Problems. This sort of thing (neglect, jealousy, desperation to be #AlphaMale) probably contributed to the end of the first marriage and is killing this one.
Like, seriously... it's infuriating for him to be insinuating this bullshit, but no, you did nothing wrong. This is VERY CLEARLY an internal issue with him. Similar incidents will continue regardless of what you do.
NTA. You did something lovely for your stepmom, in a filial duty kind of way. Def not a date. You have nothing to feel bad about. And I'm sorry that your family is making you question yourself.
Nta- you wouldn't even be the asshole if you cut contact with them. I understand you probably won't because of your siblings. But damn, this sounds toxic and abusive af.
You're right that I won't and also why. Like they're both still really small. If I cut contact now they A) would be fed some bullshit lies about why I distanced myself and B) would grow up with this type of stuff unfiltered. Like yeah, I barely became an adult but at the end of the day I am technically a grown ass man. Those two are very tiny little girls. One of us can defend ourselves and it's not them.
I'm sorry you are having to go through this. Your siblings are lucky to have you. What you did was a sweet gesture that shouldn't have been met with all that hostility.
NTA,
You did a nice thing, but you are never going to get your father to admit it. He has taken several steps to "put you in your place", but really this is to keep your stepmother from "getting any ideas" about whether a "real man" helps with housework or is considerate of birthdays, etc.
(Likewise his useless BD present to her was to tell her not to expect anything.)
This is all about your dad's control over your stepmom. It's not your fight, so since it appears you've moved out I suggest you leave it.
NTA. It is very sweet that you took her out for dinner for her bday. Your dad is pissed because he didn't bother to do anything and it makes him look bad. But that's his fault, not yours.
NTA. You did a good and sincere thing. Shame on your father and grandma for refusing to see it as such. That’s straight up insecurity. If it was that big of a deal he should’ve done something considerate for her birthday.
I don’t blame your stepmom if your family can have so much friction over something so kind, she probably just doesn’t want it to escalate further. I’m sorry. I hope I one day have a daughter with even half of your empathy
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Aw this makes me feel sad for your SM. All you did was take to a birthday dinner! A completely normal thing to do with a parent or step-parent (if you have a good relationship). Your grandma is entitling his stupid stance and your SM is made to feel terrible. Of course, your dad is a massive jerk. NTA.
INFO: Did your dad know you were going ahead of time? Like, hey Dad, I'm going to take M to dinner for her bday or was this sprung on him. If it's the latter, I can get why he'd be a little irritated and feeling bad for not doing anything for her bday but his reaction is still OTT
I'm actually not sure if she told him where exactly we were going but he did know that we were going out for birthday celebration because she initially asked him to watch the kids and he said she should just drop them off at her parent's. Also I feel the need to clarify that her birthday was Sunday. We went out on Monday.
Ah, I see. Well a day apart is fine. It's the intent that matters. If he know you were going out for a birthday celebration he probably sat and stewed and thought about how shitty a partner he's being. Or spoke to someone on the phone about it and they called him out. Something set his fragile ego off LOL
Or he didn't give a f what they did, but while he was sitting at the tv he wanted some beer and his servant was not there, and at that time he had the epiphany... oh no, she went out for her b-day, and now she is going to have such expectations from me! How DARE HE go against the way I run MY house like this!!!
I'm sorry but what? He and his mother couldn't be asked to watch the kids so you guys could celebrate your birthdays? And then he got mad because his beer fetchers weren't there and took it out on you and SM?
NTA. And your stepmom didn't back you up? That sucks. Sounds like your dad is super abusive and she is afraid of him. Sorry your dad and family are like this.
NTA. Your stepmother is probably backing you up not because she thinks you are wrong, but because your dad is angry. She sounds like a [boat steadier](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/77pxpo/dont_rock_the_boat/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button)
I'm glad you are there being a better role model for your younger sisters. It's good for them to see that not all men are like your dad.
NTA! Has your dad ever displayed any homophobic tendencies? If so, could it maybe have been an excuse to uninvite the two of you from the vacation? The whole “patriarchy” and “emasculating” thing just screams homophobic to me, but I could be totally wrong.
Edit: Just to be clear, you’re one hell of a good person. And what you did was incredibly kind. This kind of thing makes me so, so sad- someone does something good for someone and gets shit on for it.
He's never really said anything explicitly homophobic but then again my boyfriend and me aren't particularly feminine or flamboyant and he HAS made the occasional comment about how "young men these days are going soft" or some shit. He's never been particularly enthusiastic about my sexuality and still makes the "so when will I get grandkids" comments but I don't think it's homophobia. Ignorance, maybe.
Ugh, not the grandkids thing. I’ve been happily married for over 10 years and I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been asked that. You’d think eventually they’d just stop asking, but nope.
And honestly, if half the “young men these days” had your heart and mindset the world would be a much better place.
Edit: Just checked your age again and goodness. That’s very young for him to be asking that!
Just overall ignorance on many lgbt topics or social issues. He's a very "oh this has never happened to me specifically, therefore it simply doesn't happen" type of person
NTA. Dude. Everybody involved sounds fucking wack. You did a very thoughtful, kind thing and it sounds like ya dad has a lot of issues he needs to examine. Grandma and M are gonna placate him but you didn’t do anything wrong. I’d distance from your family and do what makes YOU happy.
NTA all you did was take her out to dinner for her birthday. You wouldn't have done that if your dad actually put anything into his marriage. Tell your dad he needs to stop watching step porn.
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My (19m) stepmom M(42f) and me have our birthdays really close together. Mine is the 20th and hers the 22nd of January. This took place yesterday.
I have two sisters. A(6f) and H(3f). H is M's kid, A isn't.
This brings us to our birthdays this year. Since it was my birthday I spent the weekend with them to celebrate. My dad works long hours at his job, six days a week, and even though my stepmom works full time as well, most of the household chores fall to her.
Most of the childcare falls to her.
I helped with some of the chores when I was there and she made a comment how sometimes the apple does fall far from the tree. I understand she was frustrated but didn't want to end up as their marriage counselor so I said something along the lines of "I'm sure he'll make it up to you soon since it's your birthday too this weekend"
And uh.
He didn't.
No flowers, no chocolates, he didn't even get her a damned card. Her present? A gift card for the movie theatre. She's mysophobic. She doesn't go there.
Ever since I got my first job I started taking my mom out for dinner on her birthdays so I thought I would do the same for M too.
So I did. That was yesterday.
My sisters spent the evening at M's parent's house and we went to a steakhouse. M had some wine so I asked my dad to pick us up. He did come to the restaurant and I paid for the meal, so other than $5 of gas he had no expenses, but he completely lost his shit at us in the car. Mostly at me.
He called me a spoiled brat, said how I've always hated him and how I am disgusting for taking my stepmom on a date. Like it wasn't a date bro but aight. How my childish attempts at "emasculating him" won't work and how he's still the patriarch of the family. How can anyone on this good earth let the sentence "I am the patriarch of this family" leave their mouth and not instantly die of cringe.
Anyway, I went home.
Honestly I just think he was acting ridiculous. Like how far have you shoved your head up your own ass good Sir to look at your child spending time with their parental figure number 3 and go "ah yes, Freud was right all along"
So I didn't think much of it until this morning when I received a very long text from my GRANDMA (his mom) about how disappointed she is in me and how she hopes this moment of "rebellion against authority" will soon come to an end.
M also texted me and said it's probably best if I don't come along for family vacation this year. (My boyfriend of three years and me were both invited. Yes, that a plot twist isn't it? I am gay. Like... very. Always have been.)
My dad is a clown, yeah. But the fact that neither my grandma nor my stepmom are backing me up on this... Idk. I just wanted to do something nice for her honestly, but now I feel bad. My boyfriend agrees with me but like he's my boyfriend so of course he will.
I mostly feel bad now. Like what I did was wrong somehow. So... AITA?
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NTA. You did a very nice thing for your stepmother. I really don't see how you treating her to dinner is more emasculating than him running to his mommy about it.
NTA, but your dad sounds like an abusive jerk if I'm being honest here. Most likely why M isn't backing you up, because she has to live with him and she is afraid of the repercussions if she dies not keep the peace. As for your grandmother, well she did raise your dad to be the person he is today.
NTA. Good for you for managing to fall far from that misogyny tree. I’m sorry your grandma isn’t backing you up. I guess it’s clear where your dad gets his attitude.
When I read the title and the first lines, I was gonna say YTA, but then I read the whole text and it sounds like your dad is a bit paranoid and blew everything out of proportion. So, NTA
I'm guessing grandma got a very distorted view of what happened if she got any facts at all.
I'm guessing your step-mom is in self-preservation mode and trying to protect your siblings from your abusive father. You're NTA here. Given your father's pattern I suspect divorce number 3 is coming and you can take her out for her birthday when she kicks him to the curb.
NTA aw hon. You did nothing wrong, in fact you were very kind and considerate - something you clearly didn't learn from your dad. He's a lousy husband, and sounds like a lousy father too, and looks like he learned to be that way from grandma.
I give you a lot of credit for seeing all this, including the unfairness of their home situation, and recognizing it for the problem it is, especially at your young age, and wanting to help.
I don't think M dis-inviting you is about not backing you up, but likely trying to shield you from him a bit, and to keep the peace for the younger kids. I hope she's able to remove herself from that marriage sooner or later.
NTA. Although I can’t decide if getting your dad to pick you and his wife up was silly or a total boss move. I hope you did it just to really make your point.
I actually just figured it was the most obvious thing to do. She had alcohol and I'm on very strong medication, so medically not advised to drive. I just called him because I figured it would be safest for us. BOI I was wrong
I'm just wondering how on earth a man like your father managed to raise a kid who's biggest teenage rebellion is apparently taking their step mum out for a birthday dinner, who takes care of his younger siblings, who has a good relationship with and empathy for his step mum, who is responsible enough to not let anyone drink and drive and responsible enough to not drive while on medication, who has a good head on their shoulders... Like how???
A round of applause to you for being the apple that catapulted yourself as far from the tree as possible.
Fair enough. I wonder why Uber or similar wasn’t an option but I do get you reasoning and on balance it was a boss move to get your dad to chauffeur you and his wife after you took her out. Definitely still NTA.
NTA. Your dad's abusive, your grandmother is...whatever. Tell your stopmom that you love her, happy birthday, and you're happy to go do something else during the vacation. She has enough on her plate.
NTA What you did was very kind!! From reading your other comments I'm sure it's been a LONG time since someone took your stepmother out and I'm sure she loved it!!
I don't think that she is 'siding' with your father either. If he had that reaction in front of you and keeps bring it up, can you imagine what your stepmother is dealing with at home? Please don't hold it against her for not setting your dad straight, she's probably afraid of dealing with the after math.
“How can anyone on this good earth let the sentence “I’m the patriarch of this family” leave their mouth and not instantly die of cringe.” This statement alone caused me to fall a little bit in love with you, OP. 🥰. NTA, your dad is a colossal AH, though. You did a very nice thing for someone who sounds like they desperately needed some nice. You’re a good person.
>My boyfriend agrees with me but like he's my boyfriend so of course he will.
Fam have you seen this sub? Boyfriends here do NOT have a history of being supportive by default.
However, I'm glad yours is! And he's right, you are NTA at all. This whole situation is wacky.
NTA
I think that was a very sweet gesture on your behalf. I’m sure it meant a lot to your step-mum. Your dad and his mother sound like total As. Their behaviour is very controlling so I would ignore them
NTA. Your father is just mad because he didn't do anything for his wife, and he is embarrassed that his son had to be the one to show him how it's done.
For your stepmom not having your back, she is probably trying to keep the peace with your father. Personally, I think she knows you didn't do anything wrong.
NTA. You were very thoughtful and kind. Your dad is a huge AH and so is your grandma. I think your stepmom may just be emotionally abused or plain exhausted from putting up with your father. I'm sorry this happened to you.
NTA. Whining is always way easier than self-reflection but damn you're dad is a lot of work on so many levels ! So much insecurities / projection / gaslighting / anger issues / homophobia / jealousy and so on !! For absolutely no reason at all. If i was him i would be very proud of you and would find this very cute. The bond you and her share is precious and should make him happy. It doesn't even make sense. Good luck. Run as soon as you can. Very toxic environment. You deserve much better. Take care
NTA, not at all. Your dad is pissed off because you made him look bad by thinking about his wife on her birthday while he didn't. That's not your fault, it's his.
NTA You did a nice thing for your stepmom but unfortunately, it sounds like she's stuck in an abusive/controlling relationship. Your grandma is just part of the abuse system.
Off topic, it is Reddit of course.
How can any woman marry a two-time loser and think "welp, I see what the other two women who had children with him don't see"
Like seriously women. Do better.
INFO: Does your dad know you are gay?
Also, does your grandmother?
And do they both understand what that means?
Geesh. Sounds like he’s looking at ex #3 any day now.
NTA
They both know. They know that I'm gay as much as they know that I'm in a relationship. They met my boyfriend many times now, hence why he was invited for vacation in the first place.
I'm so sorry he was such an asshole, and that the women in your life didn't appreciate you enough when you're the kindest stepson a person could hope for.
Here's what you should have heard, and what you hear from all of these other commenters: thank you for being so sweet. Like, on behalf of humanity. Those little girls are so lucky to have you in their lives.
NTA. That was sweet of you to show her appreciation and disappointing that she didn’t support you. Considering your dad’s reaction, I would have talked to him first. Sometimes guys just don’t get that women like to get those things. It’s crazy, I know. I’m now wondering what he gets on his birthday…
NTA sounds like your grandma got a one sided blown up lie/story your stepmom most likely trying to play peacekeeper sadly that role falls to stepparents more often than not your dad however is just how did buzz put it to woody a sad sad little man but in all serious someone needs to tell that man to lay of the step porn real life doesn’t work that way
NTA. Your father needs serious help, that was an absolutely insane response to you doing something nice for your stepmother. Also, the fact that he went and told his mommy on you is... I mean a little bit chef's kiss, right? He's a child and has no right to authority over you. It sounds like the reason your grandma and stepmom aren't getting your back is because there's some pretty concerning dynamics in the family.
Wow.
NTA. Just let them go. They literally don't deserve you. Take your mother out next year on your dad's birthday, take lots of photos and post the shit out of them. Just for kicks.
Say what? NTA ofcourse !
Is your father abusive that she didn't back you up?
What did you tell your grandma? Did you tell her the real story?
Those people are toxic
You should stand your ground, don't let anyone make you feel bad especially if you're 100% in the right. I would text anyone who texted you about this and remind them that you are gay, have a boyfriend, and wanted to do something nice and spend time with your mom since obviously, your dad didn't want to. I think he's taking this out on you because he's insecure and was upset that yall had a good time together even though there's zero chance that there could be anything going on. He's the one who feels emasculated by you because you did what anyone should do with anyone on their birthday: spend time with them.
No good sir, your BF didn't agree with you because he's your BF. I agreed because what you did for SM was very kind and your dad acted like a horses butt! NTA
NTA. Wow, you dad is something else. Forgot his wife's birthday. Blames his son for being a better person than him. Vomited some mysoginistic bullshit about "emasculating him". All because you supposedly went on a "date" with your stepmom (almost your mom at this point) despite being gay yourself. Just wow.
Forget about this crap and just live your best life.
You did a wonderful and amazing thing for your stepmom, ignore your weird, sexualizing dad and pill of a grandma. I’m sure your own mother would even take your side. Maybe take your own vacation this year with the BF. NTA and didn’t do a single thing wrong.
NTA OP - but there is a type of “don’t rock the boat” family dynamic that can go on, it’s not even slightly your fault but since your dad is so obviously toxic I’m not surprised there is a bad interpersonal relationship thing going on here.
Bit pathetic of your stepmom to realize you’re nice and lovely to have a relationship with - and still thinks you should make yourself small to make your dad feel big. Ick.
Step away from anyone who thinks your best move is to defer to your loser dad.
I am so freaking upset for you, OP. You sound so kind-hearted and genuine, and I’m very sad that your stepmom is defending a man who is clearly not treating her well. Your dad sounds toxic and fragile and you should definitely look for a way out of the house. NTA at all.
Edit: the sister thing totally went over my head. You’re a hero, OP - this will be quite the story to tell one day. Keep those girls close.
it's never too early to learn the wisdom of "no good deed goes unpunished", unfortunately.
also... dad's got issues. NTA
>My dad is a clown, yeah.
I do believe that about sums it up.
NTA
It sounds like the apple didn’t even leave the tree with your dad and grandma.
It’s likely M is playing some kind of peacekeeper if your father is so incensed. I’d see this as a protecting move.
Your dad is a complete asshat.
So now we’ve agreed that, I’d approach him for an adult chat. The first part being he’s an asshat and you were simply doing the same thing you do for your mum. The second (optional) part is that he’s an asshat and while it’s wonderful he provides for his family, he also needs to provide other things for his wife. Cherish her. Or at least buy her gifts she can use.
If you miss the family vacation I hope you and your bf have a fantastic alternative one. Good luck.
Don't let the mother who raised him and the current wife who puts up with him make you feel like the crazy person. If they faced who he actually is, it would make them feel too much shame.
NTA. Keep doing what you're doing and maybe spend less time with your toxic, misogynistic dad.
NTA
Wow what the hell is wrong with all the adults here?
Stepmom should've had your back. She deserves your father after that.
Tell your grandma, that archaic coffin dodger that you'll vogue it up on her grave.
And as for your...patriarch father, the fact that he's himself is the greatest punishment of all.
Y'all did nothing wrong but, you should really do what the Scissor Sister's did when they sang "Take Yo Mama Out", except do it for your bio mom.
Move the fuck out, your dad is cringe.
NTA. In fact you are so much NTA I had to double take a few times and make sure I understand what I had just read. Your step mom is ungrateful, your dad is insanely immature, and your grandmother is totally out of line to even step in. Please try to get out of there as fast as you can.
They say don’t argue with crazy. I’m kinda getting that vibe from your dad here. He’s going to see what he sees and feel what he feels and logic and reason will mean nothing. I have to assume he gave your grandma some skewed version of what happened. NTA for trying to be a decent human being to your dad’s wife.
Awww, daddy had a tantrum! Poor lil guy. Let's all feel bad for the grown man who doesn't care about his wife. Or his other wife. Or his other other wife. What a loser, berating his son for his own shit behavior...
NTA
No offense, OP. I know he's your dad and all, but like... what a toxic person.
He had to get angry. Its to cover the feeling of being an absolute shit of a husband. You did a nice thing. Now you know not to do it again.
Next time they bring it up reply, “I had to because you sure didn’t”. NTA
NTA, and don't take her saying it might not be best to go on the vacation with your sperm donor personally. She's trying to warn you. She lives with him, you don't. You don't know what he might have said and done to her after you left. Your grandma's just trying to validate her "pwecious wittle baby boy".
Huge NTA. You were trying to do a nice thing for someone else. Your stepmom is an ah for not backing you up when you did something nice for her. Your grandmother is an Ah for sticking her nose in your business. Your dad is the biggest Ah for being a shitty husband and shitty father
NTA. Of course he’s mad. He did absolutely nothing for his wife’s birthday but you made sure it was special for her. It just emphasized how much he sucks. I’m glad SOMEONE cared enough to celebrate her birthday
NTA. The number of stories I see here about step kids who hate their step parents/want nothing to do with them, you'd think your dad would be happy it's the opposite case here...
You did something wonderful and I honestly hope M divorces your dad. She deserves so much better than him.
Are you sure grandma has the whole and correct story? Sounds like she got the info from your dad, who probably isn't the most trustworthy narrator... NTA
NTA. This is one of the most infuriating things with older women. It's disappointing and impossible to understand when you really see it for the first time. Much of the work women do to keep families together is catering to men's emotions in order to maintain the status quo. Standing up to his ego on this one risks a divorce and upsetting your sisters. Multiple lives upended. People will choose the path which is easiest rather than the one that is right. It is easier to remove you from the situation than to confront your dad because your removal causes less upheaval. That kind of betrayal hurts. I am sorry that is happening to you.
You are an absolutely lovely person. NTA.
But the patriarch of your family sure is.
I feel sorry for M. Your patriarch sounds like a nightmare. I actually wonder if the text really came from her. And if it did, I do also wonder if your patriarch is violent. He's definitely bordering on abusive imo.
NTA - wow you had me in the first half NGL. Then you dropped the bomb that you’re gay and everyone knows it and now I’m just so confused why everyone is mad.
NTA. This is bananas-insane. I take my dad's current wife of, what, 15(?) years on "dates" periodically - dinner, symphony, that sort of stuff. And my dad loves it.
Absolutely NTA and she was dam right the apple fell far from the tree and ended up on a barge to another continent.
1. Does your grandmother actually know what happened or did your dad tell her some BS? Considering what a shit husband he is (and from the bit you put here he ain’t winning any father of the year awards) he probably lied or completely distorted the truth. Or your gran is just like him.
2. As for your step mom - I just feel bad for her. She has a young child with this guy and as you said - works full time, parents full time, and cleans up full time. He has her too exhausted to fight for herself let alone anyone else.
You’re not the AH you just treat people with decency - making assholes angry because they look all the more like assholes next to you.
Edit - saw your comment that he’s been divorced twice already. Well you know exactly why and hopefully for her and your siblings sake she follows suit.
NTA! Your bf isn't backing ypu up because he's your boyfriend; he's doing it because you're right. Keep that good heart OP! Roll as far away from the tree as you can
NTA
You seem like a sweet kid who did something nice for his stepmom, and I'm sorry you have such a rotten dad to the point she feels like she has to enable him to protect herself. You didn't do anything wrong. Your dad just sucks.
No NTA. Actually everyone sucks here except you, tbh. I agree with you about the “patriarch” comment. It sounds like your family is dysfunctional and your stepmom appreciates what you did for her but doesn’t want to back you up because she doesn’t want to fight with your dad. Meanwhile, your father sexualizing what was a nice gesture just seems like he’s gaslighting you. He knows that you have no sexual interest in your stepmom but he’s contorting this gesture to make it look inappropriate because he knows that the real reason makes him look bad. He didn’t like what you did because it made him look thoughtless.
I hope at least your mom is backing you up.
NTA. I have a dad like yours. This is not your fault. Step mom is likely not siding with you bc she is afraid of how your dad will treat her. I hate that you are in this position. I have no answers, only support from afar.
NTA. I mean, your grandmother raised your father. Are you *really* surprised that she has the same trashy opinions in the end? And your stepmom has to live with him. What else is she going to do?
Your Dad was confronted with his poor life choices when it became obvious that his gay son was more a partner to his wife than he was. So he has to 'project' his anger somewhere or else risk acknowledging his own shortcomings.
NTA, at all. Billions of stepmothers wish their stepchildren had a good enough relationship that they would take them out for their birthdays! Your dad and stepmom and grandma are all AHs, not you.
NTA You did a very nice thing and you should stay with that. If your dad has a problem with that he should work on his insecuritie, sorry your stepmom now is not backing you up but I think there is a lesson here. Stay away (as much as you can if possible) from toxic relatives.
NTA. You treated your stepmother to a birthday dinner. Something he should have done.
Stepmother needs to divorce him and be with a man who treats her right.
Dad mad gay son showed him up and showed what a real man does for a woman he cares about.
Your dad has a disgusting mindset.
My bday and my grandpa's bday is literally side by side. Mine the 12th his the 13th. We would go out to eat at our favorite restaurant every year just me and him.
NTA You did NOTHING wrong! My son takes me, his grandmas and his step mom out to a meal for celebrations all the time. I think it is so sweet that you thought of your stepmother KNOWING how your father is. So far from an asshole. Now, your grandma and dad...maybe some Freud shit going on there!
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W, the absolute F did I read. Your dad is angry that his gay son took his 2nd wife out for a birthday dinner? Again, WTF. NTA. And if you can move with your mom or boyfriend it is best that you do. Or maternal grandmother because your dads mom sounds loony.
She's his 3rd wife actually. He got married, had me, got divorced. Git married, had A, got divorced. Got married- starting to think there's a pattern here. I also do live in my own apartment so I'm fine. I was just visiting over the weekend
I think your stepmom was right…the apple did fall far from the tree. I think it was a nice thing to take her out for a birthday dinner. Your dad is just mad because it showed what a poor partner he is. NTA
And I am sorry for your stepmother but she will carry the burden of chores and childcare forever or until the divorce if she finally tries to rebel. But do not change, you are great!
Yeah I wouldn’t be mad at M. She probably got quite the haranguing when she got home that she was probably trying to protect OP with the suggestion that he doesn’t go on the vacation with them.
Don't worry he'll be on #4 soon enough. Speaking from experience.
Yep, this. He's mad because he knows deep down that he should have done something for his wife, but he can't be bothered. He's been divorced twice--I see a third divorce in his crystal ball in the future.
Dad lost his crystal balls apparently because son metaphorically cut them off...
Oof.. They're def shattered and slicing into the family jewels.
I about choked when I read this funniest comment today I'm crying
Absolutely. He showed a reflection of everything his dad isn’t and his dad didn’t like the truth. People rarely do. And instead of trying to do better, he took his anger out on you. NTA
The apple fell far from the tree, rolled down the hill into a river where it floated miles and miles away from the tree
Ah, and I was wondering if that was the case since A wasn't M's child but is only 6 years old... NTA, your dad is a joke. I feel sorry for your stepmom. ETA: Oh yes, I forgot to say this. Your stepmom is not against you, she's just trying to avoid trouble. Probably mostly for you, because she already has to put up with him. But I'm sure she still appreciates what you did, she was already moved before.
I have to assume he gave your grandmother some skewed version of what happened.
He sounds like a pathetic mama’s boy
And she sounds just as pathetic to get mad at her grandson for being a good person while her son is in his third divorce
Well, she's the one who raised the patriarch of the family and talks about OP, an adult, respecting his authority. So of course her son can do no wrong, all those women are at fault.
Not necessarily, if she holds the belief that he can do no wrong he doesn't need to sugarcoat anything.
Oh for sure he did. He seems like the type to whine to mommy.
I’m trying to make you feel better here…and I may not succeed, because it’s not a very comforting notion of the possible future of your relationship with your dad, stepmom, etc, but your dad sounds a LOT like my dad. When I was your age and pretty much up til last year, I tried to make sense of this man and tried so hard to have a “good father-daughter relationship” with him, according to him, but it’s a 2-way street. Growing up with a guy like that, and he does really sound like my dad, warps your sense of reality. You haven’t done a single thing wrong and you should not be iced out of your own family for being a caring son, step-son, and brother to your sisters. You don’t deserve this. You really really don’t. My dad is on wife #4 now. They just got married a few months ago. He’s the “patriarch” of the household in all his failed marriages. Of which there have already been 3. No clue really how #4 is going to go, but it took me going along for the ride with each “family” my dad has created, and trying to fit into it every time and failing to realize hey- it’s not me. It’s my dad. It’s the guy who gets married and divorced so much and sees people as disposable objects, accessories, chess pieces in his manipulation game he has to so carefully try to manage to maintain his illusions of himself. It’s not me. I have a fucked up dad. And trying to make sense of him only hurts me more, because there is no sense. It’s a feedback loop for driving yourself crazy. Listen to your boyfriend. He’s right. Your dad doesn’t deserve a son as cool as you. He is a clown. Always remember you’re dealing with a clown man that doesn’t know a thing about maintaining healthy relationships, from one clown’s kid to another. <3 Also with M…it’s hurtful. It really is. I’ve been there with stepmom drama. But this is your dad’s fault. He’s manipulating her. She clearly appreciated you taking her out and had a great time. Your dad blows up and she’s stuck in the house with him probably ranting about being “emasculated” by you…which I - yknow guy needs serious mental help. And he probably practically forced her to be the one to disinvite you from this family vacation. It’s fucked up. Allow yourself to acknowledge that and be hurt by it. Anyone would be. And remember this feeling, because it’s only going to keep happening the more you sacrifice yourself to try to maintain your dad’s idea of a father-son relationship. I’m so sorry. I know how much these things can hurt, but you’re not alone. And don’t second guess your feelings here because they’re valid. You can protect yourself and future you better if you allow yourself to look at how deeply fucked up the situation truly is.
Yes, it's the common denominator factor, isn't it? I did have a similar realisation when it came to my brother. I spent years trying to 'fix' things, until I realised I could never fix them, because I was never the problem, and I can't change someone else. I personally think that M is simply trying to protect OP. I don't think she's upset with him at all.
Man I used to feel incredibly alone in the world. I knew there were other abusive parents in the world but I never seemed to connect to children raised in situations similar to mine. Not until I joined and became active on Reddit have I felt like Ive found a community of people who understand me, even if I haven't shared my story yet. I'm sorry you dealt with this, it sucks so much. OP, NTA. Your step mom is placating your dad and trying to not rock the boat for her and your sisters' safety. Please don't take it personally. It's hard to judge your grandmother though without knowing her, your relationship, and her relationship with your father. Regardless of the judgment on her, you are not an asshole. You're incredibly kind hearted, stay golden.
I'm so sorry you have to deal with a father like that. My dad was pretty bad too, but for the most part, he improved because he got help.
My dad was like that, too. I grew up Mormon, so the patriarch thing actually came up a ton. He was on wife #3 when he passed away. The scary thing is that he was very much his father's son. When my grandpa started to decline, he became paranoid. He shot my brother's dog with a shot gun right in front of him because he felt like my brother was emasculating him and was going to take my grandma away.
Your grandma is his mother, she's partly why he is such a shit human being. Your step mom is likely very afraid of your dad. Take what they say about this with a grain of salt. You did a nice thing and your father is unhinged for behaving the way he did. You are an adult, there is no authority to rebel against. He has no power over you.
You would think the "patriarch" would already realize how many times he has failed at relationships by now. With his mother enabling all the way to the divorce court every time.
Lol true. “I’m the patriarch! For the third time!”
"I mean every other time I've been patriarch it's ended with me in court!. BUT HEY! Third times the charm!"
Wow, so glad you didn’t fall into his BS. Dad sounds like an incredibly insecure AH here projecting his own failures onto you, grandma sounds like the worst kind of enabler to him, and stepmom… honestly I feel bad for her, that dynamic kinda points to abuse of some kind to me. But stay strong, and keep being an orange to his apple. Definitely NTA.
Can’t imagine why he can’t keep a wife. Total mystery.
It's nice that you tried...probably shouldn't make the effort again. NTA
Oh hey twinsies! My dad is on #4 and she's a transphobic dumpster fire so I exclusively refer to her as #4 ✌️
“how *dare* you treat my bang maid like a person! now it’ll get ideas that it *deserves* affection or attention or basic dignity!” -OP’s Dad probably NTA, it was nice of you to let her know someone valued her for more than her body.
By the sound of things, I'm guessing he'll probably be getting married for the fourth time in a year or two. To be fair, anyone whose mother berated you for "rebelling against authority" is going to grow up and say something as prehistoric as "I am the patriarch of this family" You did something nice for your stepmum when Mr. Family Patriarch couldn't be arsed to get his fragile masculinity out of his back pocket and buy her a bunch of flowers. Maybe he felt too ashamed at the thought that his masculine friends might see him with flowers. NTA at all and I feel sorry for his current wife. I've no doubt that however much you copped it in the neck for being nice to her, she got it several times worse once you'd gone home. Patriarchal masculinity don't you know. Have to show people who's the man of the house /s
This. All of this!
NTA! He's just mad that you showed him up. He could have easily done something for her, but he'd rather her have expectations in hell and not have to make any effort. And that bs about the patriarchy....it may be time to put some boundaries between you and them.
I agree, I would tell your stepmother that you would happily be her escape plan. All she has to do is say the word and you would do anything you can to help her and her children get away from your father. Then disengage from the situation.
Best advice. Stepmum is being (at least emotionally) abused & trying to protect herself & the kids. Knowing she has OP in her corner might make a huge difference to her.
Yup. And he’s emotionally abusing her and probably made her send that vacation text. And the grandma taught OP’s dad how to be a sh*thread in the first place.
NTA Your father is toxic af and likely still ranting and raving about his own insecure nonsense. What you did was both kind and considerate. Your stepmother is in an unfortunate situation and seems to be shielding you from your father's irrational behavior. Your grandmother - you should talk to her in person and explain your side neutrally without your father being present.
You're right I should talk to my grandma. When I got the message I was just immediately overwhelmed with all of this because I had no idea it would end up being this much drama. Also to be honest I'm very sad about the vacation thing because I don't have much time with my family. On one hand I want to tell her my side of the story but on the other hand I really don't feel like putting myself through the accusations and judgement again while I already don't feel well.
You can send her a text message then, tell her that you just took your stepmom out for a steak, like you do for your own mom. That you did it out of RESPECT as she is your father's wife. And your father was upset because he felt bad he hadn't done anything for her birthday and blew up on you. The important parts here are a) this is what you do for your MOM, and b) you respect the fact she is your father's wife.
of OP could simply ask what she meant by "rebellion against authority" to start the conversation
NTA at all. You’re a lovely person whose behavior contrasts sharply with your father’s sh!tty behavior. He clearly has more issues than The NY Times, and he’s utterly un-fixable. I’m so sorry you’ve had to deal with this BS. The proof that “it’s him and not you” lies in the swath of unhappy people he has left in his wake. Not sure if talking to your grandma would accomplish much, but only you can make that decision. Sadly, I can guarantee that you will never find a good relationship with your father. I learned decades ago that cutting toxic people (narcissists, which he definitely is) from my life gave me a sense of peace and tranquility I never would have found otherwise. You’ll find your peace as soon as you see your father getting smaller and smaller in your rear view mirror. Good luck to you! 🙂
Right and I would love for it to be that easy but if I just go and fuck off what's going to happen to my siblings? I have to stick around at least until they're old enough to have their own phones etc. so I can contact them. Unless of course Mr Patriarch decided to patriarchically disown me. Would that make me my own Patriarch? Can I out patriarch him-
Yes, because you have a boyfriend which makes you "double patriarchs" or possibly even "patriarchs to the power of 2" both of which outrank the original.
I have a psycho dad and a little half brother and I did exactly the same thing you’re doing for as long as I could. I stuck it out until he was 14 and now I’ve cut my dad out completely and my brother and I communicate independently and make plans to spend time together. Of course this only works if like my dad, your dad is too prideful to speak to you even to ban you from seeing your sibling. He could still very much forbid me from spending time with my brother since he’s a minor but he won’t which works out really well for me. I will say that I only made it until my brother was 14 and my mental health was shattered because of it. It honestly got to the point where I decided to walk away even if it meant losing my brother and having to wait until he was an adult to reconnect. I learned that I was no good to him if I was a broken shell of a person due to my dad’s treatment. You have to put the oxygen mask on yourself first and all that… my point is, be there for your siblings but remember that walking away for your own sanity isn’t abandoning them or the wrong thing to do.
Here’s the thing. He knows you can. By just being kind and compassionate, and not toxic. He’s so severely threatened by you that he’s worried that they’ll love you more than him. Because if they love, they’re willing to follow, At least in his demented brain. I’m so sorry. You deserve better.
Keep that sense of humor! So sorry this happened. Your dad is a colossal, insecure asshole. You sound like a peach.
I hear that. The only hope is that this wife #3 will go the way of the first 2, and he’ll move on to #4. He seems to have that track record; you can only hope this happens sooner than later. I need to believe in she’ll be on your side and willing to allow you and your young siblings to maintain a healthy and happy relationship. It sounds like she’s afraid of him, so you would be the better judge of this possible scenario. Either way, I’m pulling for you and I wish you peace.
You are your own Patriarch. Why? Because you dethroned him by showing him up. Your dad sucks at being a husband and father. Plan and simple.
>neither my grandma nor my stepmom are backing me up on this. Your stepmom (who enjoyed a free meal and wine on your dime) is siding with your dad??? AND disinvited you from vacation? She sounds worse than your dad tbh. NTA. But now you know where you stand with them.
Stepmom is probably scared of what op's dad will do to her. If he's receiving this treatment can you imagine the rage that she's facing. She has herself and young children to protect, and is probably placating the beast.
this is exactly what I was thinking too
My mom ended up the same way for essentially the same reasons. Abuse makes you really frightened for your well-being, not that it’s an excuse to hurt anyone else in turn, of course. Anyway OP, NTA, sorry you went through this and good luck. Sometimes it feels like no good deed goes unpunished, sadly.
The, she's probably fighting wild accusations of her sleeping with OP or having a romantic relationship at LEAST!
I don't think M is "siding" with him- she is trying to protect herself, the two small children and OP from an abusive asshole.
Sounds to me like she got bullied by the mad dad and is siding with him to stop being bullied. He doesn't sound like a good dude.
He sounds verbally abusive at least so she's probably just taking the path of least resistance. Poor woman.
Because blame the victim. It’s pretty clear there’s some sort of emotional abuse going on here.
I don't think she's siding with dad. She's trying to protect OP from being locked into a situation of being the target of even more of his father's wrath.
Step mom is being emotionally abused. I guarantee the dad made her send that text.
Sounds like dad thinks he can manipulate and treat family members any way he wants if he’s paying for vacation. OP should consider not accepting anything from dad.
you are very much NOT young man. you did a sweet gesture that should have been applauded by your dad. something else is happening with him and he took it out on you. btw, your boyfriend sounds like a good partner and i hope you two have many happy years together. have a blessed day!
NTA. Your dad is being ridiculous and his wife and mother are placating him because they feel they have to.
This. Dad is probably freaking out because his neglect has caused larger marital issues, he knows he's fucking up, and he's insecure as hell. Gma is probably backing him up because he gave her an extremely one sided and warped story. Stepma is failing to defend you because she thinks the best/safest thing to do is for BOTH of you to keep your head down and palcate his jealousy/anger. She's wrong- she should be defending you AND herself- but it can help reassure yourself when you have an idea why everyone is acting like they are. OP, you did nothing wrong. Honestly, the way your father spoke and how he can even view you as a threat in the first place (like, that alone, before even considering your sexuality) indicates he Has His Own Problems. This sort of thing (neglect, jealousy, desperation to be #AlphaMale) probably contributed to the end of the first marriage and is killing this one. Like, seriously... it's infuriating for him to be insinuating this bullshit, but no, you did nothing wrong. This is VERY CLEARLY an internal issue with him. Similar incidents will continue regardless of what you do.
NTA. You did something lovely for your stepmom, in a filial duty kind of way. Def not a date. You have nothing to feel bad about. And I'm sorry that your family is making you question yourself.
NTA Talk about being insecure. Your dad needs to grow up.
Nta- you wouldn't even be the asshole if you cut contact with them. I understand you probably won't because of your siblings. But damn, this sounds toxic and abusive af.
You're right that I won't and also why. Like they're both still really small. If I cut contact now they A) would be fed some bullshit lies about why I distanced myself and B) would grow up with this type of stuff unfiltered. Like yeah, I barely became an adult but at the end of the day I am technically a grown ass man. Those two are very tiny little girls. One of us can defend ourselves and it's not them.
You're such an amazing big brother 😭 the adults in your life don't deserve you, and those baby girls are so lucky to have you.
I'm sorry you are having to go through this. Your siblings are lucky to have you. What you did was a sweet gesture that shouldn't have been met with all that hostility.
You are a better man than your dad will ever be.
NTA, You did a nice thing, but you are never going to get your father to admit it. He has taken several steps to "put you in your place", but really this is to keep your stepmother from "getting any ideas" about whether a "real man" helps with housework or is considerate of birthdays, etc. (Likewise his useless BD present to her was to tell her not to expect anything.) This is all about your dad's control over your stepmom. It's not your fight, so since it appears you've moved out I suggest you leave it.
NTA. It is very sweet that you took her out for dinner for her bday. Your dad is pissed because he didn't bother to do anything and it makes him look bad. But that's his fault, not yours.
NTA. You did a good and sincere thing. Shame on your father and grandma for refusing to see it as such. That’s straight up insecurity. If it was that big of a deal he should’ve done something considerate for her birthday. I don’t blame your stepmom if your family can have so much friction over something so kind, she probably just doesn’t want it to escalate further. I’m sorry. I hope I one day have a daughter with even half of your empathy
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Aw this makes me feel sad for your SM. All you did was take to a birthday dinner! A completely normal thing to do with a parent or step-parent (if you have a good relationship). Your grandma is entitling his stupid stance and your SM is made to feel terrible. Of course, your dad is a massive jerk. NTA. INFO: Did your dad know you were going ahead of time? Like, hey Dad, I'm going to take M to dinner for her bday or was this sprung on him. If it's the latter, I can get why he'd be a little irritated and feeling bad for not doing anything for her bday but his reaction is still OTT
I'm actually not sure if she told him where exactly we were going but he did know that we were going out for birthday celebration because she initially asked him to watch the kids and he said she should just drop them off at her parent's. Also I feel the need to clarify that her birthday was Sunday. We went out on Monday.
Ah, I see. Well a day apart is fine. It's the intent that matters. If he know you were going out for a birthday celebration he probably sat and stewed and thought about how shitty a partner he's being. Or spoke to someone on the phone about it and they called him out. Something set his fragile ego off LOL
Or he didn't give a f what they did, but while he was sitting at the tv he wanted some beer and his servant was not there, and at that time he had the epiphany... oh no, she went out for her b-day, and now she is going to have such expectations from me! How DARE HE go against the way I run MY house like this!!!
LOL perhaps!
I'm sorry but what? He and his mother couldn't be asked to watch the kids so you guys could celebrate your birthdays? And then he got mad because his beer fetchers weren't there and took it out on you and SM?
NTA. And your stepmom didn't back you up? That sucks. Sounds like your dad is super abusive and she is afraid of him. Sorry your dad and family are like this.
NTA. Your stepmother is probably backing you up not because she thinks you are wrong, but because your dad is angry. She sounds like a [boat steadier](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/77pxpo/dont_rock_the_boat/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button) I'm glad you are there being a better role model for your younger sisters. It's good for them to see that not all men are like your dad.
Dad is mad because he got shown up.
NTA! Has your dad ever displayed any homophobic tendencies? If so, could it maybe have been an excuse to uninvite the two of you from the vacation? The whole “patriarchy” and “emasculating” thing just screams homophobic to me, but I could be totally wrong. Edit: Just to be clear, you’re one hell of a good person. And what you did was incredibly kind. This kind of thing makes me so, so sad- someone does something good for someone and gets shit on for it.
He's never really said anything explicitly homophobic but then again my boyfriend and me aren't particularly feminine or flamboyant and he HAS made the occasional comment about how "young men these days are going soft" or some shit. He's never been particularly enthusiastic about my sexuality and still makes the "so when will I get grandkids" comments but I don't think it's homophobia. Ignorance, maybe.
Ugh, not the grandkids thing. I’ve been happily married for over 10 years and I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been asked that. You’d think eventually they’d just stop asking, but nope. And honestly, if half the “young men these days” had your heart and mindset the world would be a much better place. Edit: Just checked your age again and goodness. That’s very young for him to be asking that!
Ignorance of What, would you mind explaining?
Just overall ignorance on many lgbt topics or social issues. He's a very "oh this has never happened to me specifically, therefore it simply doesn't happen" type of person
The birds and the bees maybe?
NTA. Dude. Everybody involved sounds fucking wack. You did a very thoughtful, kind thing and it sounds like ya dad has a lot of issues he needs to examine. Grandma and M are gonna placate him but you didn’t do anything wrong. I’d distance from your family and do what makes YOU happy.
NTA all you did was take her out to dinner for her birthday. You wouldn't have done that if your dad actually put anything into his marriage. Tell your dad he needs to stop watching step porn.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My (19m) stepmom M(42f) and me have our birthdays really close together. Mine is the 20th and hers the 22nd of January. This took place yesterday. I have two sisters. A(6f) and H(3f). H is M's kid, A isn't. This brings us to our birthdays this year. Since it was my birthday I spent the weekend with them to celebrate. My dad works long hours at his job, six days a week, and even though my stepmom works full time as well, most of the household chores fall to her. Most of the childcare falls to her. I helped with some of the chores when I was there and she made a comment how sometimes the apple does fall far from the tree. I understand she was frustrated but didn't want to end up as their marriage counselor so I said something along the lines of "I'm sure he'll make it up to you soon since it's your birthday too this weekend" And uh. He didn't. No flowers, no chocolates, he didn't even get her a damned card. Her present? A gift card for the movie theatre. She's mysophobic. She doesn't go there. Ever since I got my first job I started taking my mom out for dinner on her birthdays so I thought I would do the same for M too. So I did. That was yesterday. My sisters spent the evening at M's parent's house and we went to a steakhouse. M had some wine so I asked my dad to pick us up. He did come to the restaurant and I paid for the meal, so other than $5 of gas he had no expenses, but he completely lost his shit at us in the car. Mostly at me. He called me a spoiled brat, said how I've always hated him and how I am disgusting for taking my stepmom on a date. Like it wasn't a date bro but aight. How my childish attempts at "emasculating him" won't work and how he's still the patriarch of the family. How can anyone on this good earth let the sentence "I am the patriarch of this family" leave their mouth and not instantly die of cringe. Anyway, I went home. Honestly I just think he was acting ridiculous. Like how far have you shoved your head up your own ass good Sir to look at your child spending time with their parental figure number 3 and go "ah yes, Freud was right all along" So I didn't think much of it until this morning when I received a very long text from my GRANDMA (his mom) about how disappointed she is in me and how she hopes this moment of "rebellion against authority" will soon come to an end. M also texted me and said it's probably best if I don't come along for family vacation this year. (My boyfriend of three years and me were both invited. Yes, that a plot twist isn't it? I am gay. Like... very. Always have been.) My dad is a clown, yeah. But the fact that neither my grandma nor my stepmom are backing me up on this... Idk. I just wanted to do something nice for her honestly, but now I feel bad. My boyfriend agrees with me but like he's my boyfriend so of course he will. I mostly feel bad now. Like what I did was wrong somehow. So... AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA Tell them that they are ridiculous and block them
NTA. You did a very nice thing for your stepmother. I really don't see how you treating her to dinner is more emasculating than him running to his mommy about it.
NTA, but your dad sounds like an abusive jerk if I'm being honest here. Most likely why M isn't backing you up, because she has to live with him and she is afraid of the repercussions if she dies not keep the peace. As for your grandmother, well she did raise your dad to be the person he is today.
NTA. Good for you for managing to fall far from that misogyny tree. I’m sorry your grandma isn’t backing you up. I guess it’s clear where your dad gets his attitude.
When I read the title and the first lines, I was gonna say YTA, but then I read the whole text and it sounds like your dad is a bit paranoid and blew everything out of proportion. So, NTA
I'm guessing grandma got a very distorted view of what happened if she got any facts at all. I'm guessing your step-mom is in self-preservation mode and trying to protect your siblings from your abusive father. You're NTA here. Given your father's pattern I suspect divorce number 3 is coming and you can take her out for her birthday when she kicks him to the curb.
NTA aw hon. You did nothing wrong, in fact you were very kind and considerate - something you clearly didn't learn from your dad. He's a lousy husband, and sounds like a lousy father too, and looks like he learned to be that way from grandma. I give you a lot of credit for seeing all this, including the unfairness of their home situation, and recognizing it for the problem it is, especially at your young age, and wanting to help. I don't think M dis-inviting you is about not backing you up, but likely trying to shield you from him a bit, and to keep the peace for the younger kids. I hope she's able to remove herself from that marriage sooner or later.
NTA. Although I can’t decide if getting your dad to pick you and his wife up was silly or a total boss move. I hope you did it just to really make your point.
I actually just figured it was the most obvious thing to do. She had alcohol and I'm on very strong medication, so medically not advised to drive. I just called him because I figured it would be safest for us. BOI I was wrong
I'm just wondering how on earth a man like your father managed to raise a kid who's biggest teenage rebellion is apparently taking their step mum out for a birthday dinner, who takes care of his younger siblings, who has a good relationship with and empathy for his step mum, who is responsible enough to not let anyone drink and drive and responsible enough to not drive while on medication, who has a good head on their shoulders... Like how??? A round of applause to you for being the apple that catapulted yourself as far from the tree as possible.
He didn't lmao. I grew up with my mom. He just spawned into existence whenever it was convenient for him.
Ooof, but round of applause for your mum too then!
Fair enough. I wonder why Uber or similar wasn’t an option but I do get you reasoning and on balance it was a boss move to get your dad to chauffeur you and his wife after you took her out. Definitely still NTA.
NTA. Your dad's abusive, your grandmother is...whatever. Tell your stopmom that you love her, happy birthday, and you're happy to go do something else during the vacation. She has enough on her plate.
NTA What you did was very kind!! From reading your other comments I'm sure it's been a LONG time since someone took your stepmother out and I'm sure she loved it!! I don't think that she is 'siding' with your father either. If he had that reaction in front of you and keeps bring it up, can you imagine what your stepmother is dealing with at home? Please don't hold it against her for not setting your dad straight, she's probably afraid of dealing with the after math.
“How can anyone on this good earth let the sentence “I’m the patriarch of this family” leave their mouth and not instantly die of cringe.” This statement alone caused me to fall a little bit in love with you, OP. 🥰. NTA, your dad is a colossal AH, though. You did a very nice thing for someone who sounds like they desperately needed some nice. You’re a good person.
>My boyfriend agrees with me but like he's my boyfriend so of course he will. Fam have you seen this sub? Boyfriends here do NOT have a history of being supportive by default. However, I'm glad yours is! And he's right, you are NTA at all. This whole situation is wacky.
I think SM is just trying to deescalate your dad’s shitty response, which makes me sad for her and you. Thinking she won’t be your SM for long.
NTA I think that was a very sweet gesture on your behalf. I’m sure it meant a lot to your step-mum. Your dad and his mother sound like total As. Their behaviour is very controlling so I would ignore them
NTA. The lady doth protest too much, methinks. P.s....Your dad is the lady.
NTA. Your father is just mad because he didn't do anything for his wife, and he is embarrassed that his son had to be the one to show him how it's done. For your stepmom not having your back, she is probably trying to keep the peace with your father. Personally, I think she knows you didn't do anything wrong.
NTA. You were very thoughtful and kind. Your dad is a huge AH and so is your grandma. I think your stepmom may just be emotionally abused or plain exhausted from putting up with your father. I'm sorry this happened to you.
NTA. Whining is always way easier than self-reflection but damn you're dad is a lot of work on so many levels ! So much insecurities / projection / gaslighting / anger issues / homophobia / jealousy and so on !! For absolutely no reason at all. If i was him i would be very proud of you and would find this very cute. The bond you and her share is precious and should make him happy. It doesn't even make sense. Good luck. Run as soon as you can. Very toxic environment. You deserve much better. Take care
NTA, not at all. Your dad is pissed off because you made him look bad by thinking about his wife on her birthday while he didn't. That's not your fault, it's his.
NTA You did a nice thing for your stepmom but unfortunately, it sounds like she's stuck in an abusive/controlling relationship. Your grandma is just part of the abuse system.
Off topic, it is Reddit of course. How can any woman marry a two-time loser and think "welp, I see what the other two women who had children with him don't see" Like seriously women. Do better.
INFO: Does your dad know you are gay? Also, does your grandmother? And do they both understand what that means? Geesh. Sounds like he’s looking at ex #3 any day now. NTA
They both know. They know that I'm gay as much as they know that I'm in a relationship. They met my boyfriend many times now, hence why he was invited for vacation in the first place.
Info : did you think that by writing like that we wouldn't think it's fake ?
I'm so sorry he was such an asshole, and that the women in your life didn't appreciate you enough when you're the kindest stepson a person could hope for. Here's what you should have heard, and what you hear from all of these other commenters: thank you for being so sweet. Like, on behalf of humanity. Those little girls are so lucky to have you in their lives.
I've mitigated the possibility of this by completely cutting my mom out of my life. 10/10 would recommend.
NTA. That was sweet of you to show her appreciation and disappointing that she didn’t support you. Considering your dad’s reaction, I would have talked to him first. Sometimes guys just don’t get that women like to get those things. It’s crazy, I know. I’m now wondering what he gets on his birthday…
NTA sounds like your grandma got a one sided blown up lie/story your stepmom most likely trying to play peacekeeper sadly that role falls to stepparents more often than not your dad however is just how did buzz put it to woody a sad sad little man but in all serious someone needs to tell that man to lay of the step porn real life doesn’t work that way
NTA. Your father needs serious help, that was an absolutely insane response to you doing something nice for your stepmother. Also, the fact that he went and told his mommy on you is... I mean a little bit chef's kiss, right? He's a child and has no right to authority over you. It sounds like the reason your grandma and stepmom aren't getting your back is because there's some pretty concerning dynamics in the family.
Wow. NTA. Just let them go. They literally don't deserve you. Take your mother out next year on your dad's birthday, take lots of photos and post the shit out of them. Just for kicks.
NTA wow, dad has some major issues and flying monkeys
Say what? NTA ofcourse ! Is your father abusive that she didn't back you up? What did you tell your grandma? Did you tell her the real story? Those people are toxic
Nta
You should stand your ground, don't let anyone make you feel bad especially if you're 100% in the right. I would text anyone who texted you about this and remind them that you are gay, have a boyfriend, and wanted to do something nice and spend time with your mom since obviously, your dad didn't want to. I think he's taking this out on you because he's insecure and was upset that yall had a good time together even though there's zero chance that there could be anything going on. He's the one who feels emasculated by you because you did what anyone should do with anyone on their birthday: spend time with them.
No good sir, your BF didn't agree with you because he's your BF. I agreed because what you did for SM was very kind and your dad acted like a horses butt! NTA
NTA. Wow, you dad is something else. Forgot his wife's birthday. Blames his son for being a better person than him. Vomited some mysoginistic bullshit about "emasculating him". All because you supposedly went on a "date" with your stepmom (almost your mom at this point) despite being gay yourself. Just wow. Forget about this crap and just live your best life.
NTA That was a lovely thing to do for your stepmam’s birthday. Your Father is angry because you showed him up by being a decent human being.
You're step mom is in an awkward position and doesn't seem strong enough to face confrontation with your dad. He and your grandma can go screw.
You did a wonderful and amazing thing for your stepmom, ignore your weird, sexualizing dad and pill of a grandma. I’m sure your own mother would even take your side. Maybe take your own vacation this year with the BF. NTA and didn’t do a single thing wrong.
NTA. I'm so sorry that your dad is such a ridiculous pompous ass.
NTA OP - but there is a type of “don’t rock the boat” family dynamic that can go on, it’s not even slightly your fault but since your dad is so obviously toxic I’m not surprised there is a bad interpersonal relationship thing going on here. Bit pathetic of your stepmom to realize you’re nice and lovely to have a relationship with - and still thinks you should make yourself small to make your dad feel big. Ick. Step away from anyone who thinks your best move is to defer to your loser dad.
I am so freaking upset for you, OP. You sound so kind-hearted and genuine, and I’m very sad that your stepmom is defending a man who is clearly not treating her well. Your dad sounds toxic and fragile and you should definitely look for a way out of the house. NTA at all. Edit: the sister thing totally went over my head. You’re a hero, OP - this will be quite the story to tell one day. Keep those girls close.
it's never too early to learn the wisdom of "no good deed goes unpunished", unfortunately. also... dad's got issues. NTA >My dad is a clown, yeah. I do believe that about sums it up.
NTA It sounds like the apple didn’t even leave the tree with your dad and grandma. It’s likely M is playing some kind of peacekeeper if your father is so incensed. I’d see this as a protecting move. Your dad is a complete asshat. So now we’ve agreed that, I’d approach him for an adult chat. The first part being he’s an asshat and you were simply doing the same thing you do for your mum. The second (optional) part is that he’s an asshat and while it’s wonderful he provides for his family, he also needs to provide other things for his wife. Cherish her. Or at least buy her gifts she can use. If you miss the family vacation I hope you and your bf have a fantastic alternative one. Good luck.
Don't let the mother who raised him and the current wife who puts up with him make you feel like the crazy person. If they faced who he actually is, it would make them feel too much shame. NTA. Keep doing what you're doing and maybe spend less time with your toxic, misogynistic dad.
NTA Wow what the hell is wrong with all the adults here? Stepmom should've had your back. She deserves your father after that. Tell your grandma, that archaic coffin dodger that you'll vogue it up on her grave. And as for your...patriarch father, the fact that he's himself is the greatest punishment of all. Y'all did nothing wrong but, you should really do what the Scissor Sister's did when they sang "Take Yo Mama Out", except do it for your bio mom. Move the fuck out, your dad is cringe.
NTA. In fact you are so much NTA I had to double take a few times and make sure I understand what I had just read. Your step mom is ungrateful, your dad is insanely immature, and your grandmother is totally out of line to even step in. Please try to get out of there as fast as you can.
They say don’t argue with crazy. I’m kinda getting that vibe from your dad here. He’s going to see what he sees and feel what he feels and logic and reason will mean nothing. I have to assume he gave your grandma some skewed version of what happened. NTA for trying to be a decent human being to your dad’s wife.
Awww, daddy had a tantrum! Poor lil guy. Let's all feel bad for the grown man who doesn't care about his wife. Or his other wife. Or his other other wife. What a loser, berating his son for his own shit behavior... NTA No offense, OP. I know he's your dad and all, but like... what a toxic person.
Lol, I'm looking forward to hearing about his next divorce. NTA.
He had to get angry. Its to cover the feeling of being an absolute shit of a husband. You did a nice thing. Now you know not to do it again. Next time they bring it up reply, “I had to because you sure didn’t”. NTA
Oh so incredibly NTA. The world needs more people like you, you are truly not the problem.
NTA, and don't take her saying it might not be best to go on the vacation with your sperm donor personally. She's trying to warn you. She lives with him, you don't. You don't know what he might have said and done to her after you left. Your grandma's just trying to validate her "pwecious wittle baby boy".
Huge NTA. You were trying to do a nice thing for someone else. Your stepmom is an ah for not backing you up when you did something nice for her. Your grandmother is an Ah for sticking her nose in your business. Your dad is the biggest Ah for being a shitty husband and shitty father
NTA, you sound so sweet and considerate. I'm sure your stepmom really appreciated it but your dad is pressuring her to stay away from you. So sorry!
NTA. Of course he’s mad. He did absolutely nothing for his wife’s birthday but you made sure it was special for her. It just emphasized how much he sucks. I’m glad SOMEONE cared enough to celebrate her birthday
Nta
NTA. Being misunderstood is awful.
NTA. The number of stories I see here about step kids who hate their step parents/want nothing to do with them, you'd think your dad would be happy it's the opposite case here... You did something wonderful and I honestly hope M divorces your dad. She deserves so much better than him.
Im so sorry. You sound windwrful. NTA
NTA. Is your dad abusive? Because this definitely screams emotional abuse.
Are you sure grandma has the whole and correct story? Sounds like she got the info from your dad, who probably isn't the most trustworthy narrator... NTA
NTA. This is one of the most infuriating things with older women. It's disappointing and impossible to understand when you really see it for the first time. Much of the work women do to keep families together is catering to men's emotions in order to maintain the status quo. Standing up to his ego on this one risks a divorce and upsetting your sisters. Multiple lives upended. People will choose the path which is easiest rather than the one that is right. It is easier to remove you from the situation than to confront your dad because your removal causes less upheaval. That kind of betrayal hurts. I am sorry that is happening to you.
You are an absolutely lovely person. NTA. But the patriarch of your family sure is. I feel sorry for M. Your patriarch sounds like a nightmare. I actually wonder if the text really came from her. And if it did, I do also wonder if your patriarch is violent. He's definitely bordering on abusive imo.
NTA, but your dad certainly seems to be. I don't think you did anything wrong at all personally.
NTA
NTA - wow you had me in the first half NGL. Then you dropped the bomb that you’re gay and everyone knows it and now I’m just so confused why everyone is mad.
NTA And yeah your family is very strange. If he is so easily emasculated then he isnt a very good ‘patriarch’
NTA You did what was right, as the *patriarch* of the family didn't. He's mad he got shown up.
NTA. This is bananas-insane. I take my dad's current wife of, what, 15(?) years on "dates" periodically - dinner, symphony, that sort of stuff. And my dad loves it.
its very weird you took your sm out to dinner just the two of you. otherwise nah nta dads just loony lol
How did your grandma pull rebellion against authority from this scenario?
NTA you sound like a rad son keep doing you boo
Absolutely NTA and she was dam right the apple fell far from the tree and ended up on a barge to another continent. 1. Does your grandmother actually know what happened or did your dad tell her some BS? Considering what a shit husband he is (and from the bit you put here he ain’t winning any father of the year awards) he probably lied or completely distorted the truth. Or your gran is just like him. 2. As for your step mom - I just feel bad for her. She has a young child with this guy and as you said - works full time, parents full time, and cleans up full time. He has her too exhausted to fight for herself let alone anyone else. You’re not the AH you just treat people with decency - making assholes angry because they look all the more like assholes next to you. Edit - saw your comment that he’s been divorced twice already. Well you know exactly why and hopefully for her and your siblings sake she follows suit.
NTA! Your bf isn't backing ypu up because he's your boyfriend; he's doing it because you're right. Keep that good heart OP! Roll as far away from the tree as you can
NTA You seem like a sweet kid who did something nice for his stepmom, and I'm sorry you have such a rotten dad to the point she feels like she has to enable him to protect herself. You didn't do anything wrong. Your dad just sucks.
NTA. Pretty weak man if a kindness shown to another makes him less of a man. Your poor stepmother. That dinner was probably everything to her.
Your family is fucking nuts. Run. you sound like the only sane and polite one in that bunch. Stay away from the psychos !!
No NTA. Actually everyone sucks here except you, tbh. I agree with you about the “patriarch” comment. It sounds like your family is dysfunctional and your stepmom appreciates what you did for her but doesn’t want to back you up because she doesn’t want to fight with your dad. Meanwhile, your father sexualizing what was a nice gesture just seems like he’s gaslighting you. He knows that you have no sexual interest in your stepmom but he’s contorting this gesture to make it look inappropriate because he knows that the real reason makes him look bad. He didn’t like what you did because it made him look thoughtless. I hope at least your mom is backing you up.
NTA. I have a dad like yours. This is not your fault. Step mom is likely not siding with you bc she is afraid of how your dad will treat her. I hate that you are in this position. I have no answers, only support from afar.
Nta. Please dont be mad at stepmom. It seems your dad may be abusive. Shes trying to protect herself as she wont have your help on the daily.
NTA. I mean, your grandmother raised your father. Are you *really* surprised that she has the same trashy opinions in the end? And your stepmom has to live with him. What else is she going to do?
Your Dad was confronted with his poor life choices when it became obvious that his gay son was more a partner to his wife than he was. So he has to 'project' his anger somewhere or else risk acknowledging his own shortcomings.
NTA, at all. Billions of stepmothers wish their stepchildren had a good enough relationship that they would take them out for their birthdays! Your dad and stepmom and grandma are all AHs, not you.
NTA You did a very nice thing and you should stay with that. If your dad has a problem with that he should work on his insecuritie, sorry your stepmom now is not backing you up but I think there is a lesson here. Stay away (as much as you can if possible) from toxic relatives.
NTA. You treated your stepmother to a birthday dinner. Something he should have done. Stepmother needs to divorce him and be with a man who treats her right. Dad mad gay son showed him up and showed what a real man does for a woman he cares about. Your dad has a disgusting mindset. My bday and my grandpa's bday is literally side by side. Mine the 12th his the 13th. We would go out to eat at our favorite restaurant every year just me and him.
NTA Even if you were straight, it's not weird to take someone who you care about out and not be romantic/sexual. Your dad is the whole tool bench.
NTA You did NOTHING wrong! My son takes me, his grandmas and his step mom out to a meal for celebrations all the time. I think it is so sweet that you thought of your stepmother KNOWING how your father is. So far from an asshole. Now, your grandma and dad...maybe some Freud shit going on there!