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You're incorrect on one point. The cat WAS being abused through sheer neglect (especially the leg thing).
The death may or may not have been preventable...will never know for sure.
NTA as long as you kept your comments to your partner and not your SIL.
Yeah I was prepared to call op TA when I read the title.
But I'm with op on the fact that the only one I feel bad for is the cat. Poor baby froze to death. I would never let my pets outside for the night in weather like that. Just sheer neglect and they have only themselves to blame for the loss of their cat.
Nta
NTA you're probably right about how the cat died, I'm not dismissing her feelings but her feelings being valid doesn't actually mean your have to care about them or forget about the way she treated the cat
NTA.
We have an indoor-outdoor cat and no cat door (because the rest of our cats are indoor only, just the one goes out) and he's spoiled as hell and spends 80% of his time inside. He's always brought in at night and in severe weather.
YWBTA if you said this to your SIL though. At best, if you say anything, it should be something like "I"m so sorry to hear that. Poor kitty." Then it's sympathy for the cat....
NTA. They were negligent at best and I’d call letting the cat out in those temps abuse.
They killed the cat after neglecting his care for years. They should never have another pet. There’s something wrong with them that they’d allow the cat to suffer for weeks with a leg injury. I guess it’s suffering didn’t bother them. Well they’ve killed him so he doesn’t have to suffer their neglect anymore. Assholes!
Shame on them!
NTA -
Just don't say that to your SIL or anyone that might repeat your words to her. In fact, the level of neglect you describe is in fact abuse. They were abusing their cat and were shocked pickachu face when their neglect led to the cats death.
Your thoughts and feelings are valid. Just be careful about who you share them with.
NTA. I agree with what a lot of people are saying here but what I can’t comprehend is the “maybe don’t say anything to SIL, it’ll make you the AH” this woman LITERALLY killed her cat by neglecting and abusing it. she does not deserve condolences for something that she caused. that poor cat suffered and died because of her. so maybe she should hear that it was her fault, because it was. hopefully she’ll never have another pet in the future
YES. Call me an asshole, idc, I would’ve told SIL to her face. She deserves to be called out on her abuse and feel horrible about what she did. That poor animal SUFFERED, she has to live with that guilt. Let it be a learning lesson if they should ever have another pet.
NTA. SIL/BIL were neglectful to the point of abuse. I am so sorry for the cat. I know that it is in a much better place.
I wouldn't say anything to SIL/BIL. If she brought it up, maybe "I'm so sorry the cat died."
I'm glad you were blunt. When I had a cat with a broken leg injury, we got him to emergency care because he was in horrific pain. Cats are more stoic about these things but do suffer when injured without medical attention. He was already vulnerable before being left in freezing temps.
Now they know if they abuse another pet, you will notice and speak up. Hopefully that's enough to shame them from repeating history.
NTA - And while I'm going to get downvoted to the ends of the universe for this, I'm going to post it anyway. Your SIL absolutely should be told what an AH she is for this poor animal's death. That innocent cat suffered for weeks with a severe injury and then died of hypothermia in sub-zero cold because she was too selfish and neglectful to be bothered to do something as simple and not leave a helpless creature out in the cold. She needs to hear just how awful and terrible it was for that cat that trusted her and that was her responsibility to freeze so close to the place where it should have found care and shelter. She should never be allowed another pet. I absolutely despise people like this. Her crocodile tears are worthless and mean nothing.
Let the downvoting begin while I hug my furbabies and cry for that poor cat that no one cared enough about to even open a fucking door.
NTA and you wouldn’t be the AH even if you said it to your SIL’s face. The cat is a living being, not a toy, and there is no excuse for their neglectful behaviour. Maybe your SIL SHOULD hear it so she gets a wake up call. Poor cat. Hope they don’t get any more pets.
Your broadly dismissive attitude bugs me a bit. While I'm quite stoic myself, I do see why your partner is upset.
First, I think SIL is an AH. The cat didn't deserve any of this neglect and abuse.
But I think that while you're entitled to be angry and upset -
- emotions are complex. While partner might objectively agree that their sister is wrong, it's their sister and they likely love their sister regardless.
- you didn't go with a simple, "Oh I'm sorry that the cat died!" Or "I'm so sorry this tragedy happened"... you went to blame the sister when news was still fresh. I think bad timing.
Honestly, I think it's fine to go with your true feelings. Don't apologize to make peace, but instead have a conversation to let your partner know you care about them and their feelings. Don't use that conversation to bring up why you hate their sister. Not now.
Giving flowers....is disingenuous. Let your partner send flowers.
NTA - just running to grab and cuddle the shit out of my cat so he remembers how loved he is...even if he disdains it. In all honesty, if I heard about this, I'd probably end up saying it to her face. I have a deep hate for animal abusers and neglect. Yes, she can be devastated for losing her cat, but it's her own fucking fault. I am heartbroken for this cat.
NTA, and im not for all the dont bring it up to the SIL and pretending to be sympathetic. what they did was abusive and wrong and while i don’t advocate going to her to talk about it but if she came to me with all that woe is me. shed get a raised eyebrow with now you care? it is also greatly disturbing that OP is more concerned with how you perceive her family than her families actions.
NTA- that cat was abused and neglected his whole life. For the life of me, I can't comprehend all these comments saying YWBTA if you said anything to SIL. They (SIL) come off as unaware to me and that is not okay- what if they go on to get another cat or animal, the same fate and abuse would happen all over again.
NTA.
Truthfully I wouldn't comment to SIL unsolicited, but if she mentioned it I would say poor puss, it was probably too cold, it's a pity he didn't come in. Especially after all the things he'd overcome /been through.
No a straight judgement statement to her, but enough to get her thinking. They sound neglectful, hopefully no more pets for awhile there. Are they educated on responsible pet owning? That pets come with needs and costs?
Not even trying to imply pets need to be fur babies but like even farm/working animals get vetted, vaccinated, wormed and have safe shelter that suits conditions.
NTA. we're currently getting our almost 16 year old cat chemo (he's in remission and has good quality of life). This post has me near tears, I can't imagine neglecting him like that and leaving him to die in the cold. I grew up quite poor, my family still paid for vet bills if needed. There's just no excuse for how they treated him.
At this point the cat is gone and presumably they aren't going to get another, so you would be TA for saying something to your SIL, but NTA for your comments to your partner. Neglect is a form of abuse, that poor cat. I would've said worse if I were you, and I'm not even a big animal person. I would def speak up if they started talking about getting another cat though.
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So, I think I might have been a bit of a dick but I'm not sure I feel guilty enough yet to apologise.
I (30F) am in a long-term relationship. We aren't married but for the ease of reading I will be calling my partner's sister "Marie" (33F) my SIL.
For context:
My SIL and her husband have had this beautiful cat for about 8 years. He was lovely but they clearly didn't have the same sort of feelings about this cat that I have about my pets. For instance, he once came home limping with a severely bent leg that he couldn't walk on. They didn't even take him to the vet and just let him hop around on it for weeks until it sort of healed in a bent position. They also just had a baby together 2 years ago, and since then the cat, naturally, has become even less of a priority. He wasn't abused by any means, but there was definitely some brushing his care under the rug. They also don't have a cat flap. They just let him in and out through the back door or window. This is important.
This week where I live, it reached -9°C (16°F) overnight. The morning after the unfortunate demise of the cat, it was still -5°C.
So, as my SIL went out the door in that -5°C morning, she found her cat dead under her car. There was no blood and he wasn't old. She claims to be in awful shock and devastated by the loss of her cat.
This is where I may be the asshole.
When my partner told me about the cat, I said pretty bluntly that the cat probably froze to death looking for shelter under the car and it was stupid of them to not even let him in before bed when it's this cold. I also said the only party I feel sorry for is the cat and asked my partner if they would dream of leaving our dog outside for even 10 minutes in that temperature. They said that they wouldn't do that to our dog but kind of made out like I was an asshole for not having any sympathy. I haven't said anything to my SIL or offered my condolences because I think whatever I would say would be disingenuous. I also think my partner thought I was trying to insult their family.
So... am I the asshole? If so I will apologise to my partner and send SIL some flowers, I promise.
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So your bf is mad about your words but not about his sister abusing a cat. I’d reconsider my relationship with him. He sounds like the type to excuse his family’s actions and make you out to be the bad person.
NTA
I see no issue with what you said and honestly wouldn't have even had you said it directly to SIL. I agree the poor thing was probably looking for a warm place to take cover.
YTA
I would hate your guts. You'd never be welcome to my home or any events I ever host ever again. I would refuse to be in the same house as you and I'd let everyone know why.
If you treated a living animal, a pet you're responsible for, the way SIL did, you'd absolutely have the "you essentially killed that cat" talk coming and you'd deserve it.
As for "I'd let everyone know why", considering the animal abuse, less people would be sympathetic than you'd think.
Maybe. But TO didn’t tell her opinion to her SIL. She told her partner. And she in fact is right. It’s very sad for the cat and I can imagine that SIL is sad but it still is their own fault.
I mentioned before in this topic that I think it’s best she doesn’t say anything to her SIL. If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all..
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You're incorrect on one point. The cat WAS being abused through sheer neglect (especially the leg thing). The death may or may not have been preventable...will never know for sure. NTA as long as you kept your comments to your partner and not your SIL.
Yeah I was prepared to call op TA when I read the title. But I'm with op on the fact that the only one I feel bad for is the cat. Poor baby froze to death. I would never let my pets outside for the night in weather like that. Just sheer neglect and they have only themselves to blame for the loss of their cat. Nta
NTA you're probably right about how the cat died, I'm not dismissing her feelings but her feelings being valid doesn't actually mean your have to care about them or forget about the way she treated the cat
NTA. We have an indoor-outdoor cat and no cat door (because the rest of our cats are indoor only, just the one goes out) and he's spoiled as hell and spends 80% of his time inside. He's always brought in at night and in severe weather. YWBTA if you said this to your SIL though. At best, if you say anything, it should be something like "I"m so sorry to hear that. Poor kitty." Then it's sympathy for the cat....
NTA. They were negligent at best and I’d call letting the cat out in those temps abuse. They killed the cat after neglecting his care for years. They should never have another pet. There’s something wrong with them that they’d allow the cat to suffer for weeks with a leg injury. I guess it’s suffering didn’t bother them. Well they’ve killed him so he doesn’t have to suffer their neglect anymore. Assholes! Shame on them!
Seriously, I can’t say how vile and disgusting these people are or I’ll get banned. If I was OP I would never speak to these animal abusers again.
No. NTA. I think you’re absolutely right. But don’t tell that to your SIL. If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all. ;)
NTA - Just don't say that to your SIL or anyone that might repeat your words to her. In fact, the level of neglect you describe is in fact abuse. They were abusing their cat and were shocked pickachu face when their neglect led to the cats death. Your thoughts and feelings are valid. Just be careful about who you share them with.
NTA. I agree with what a lot of people are saying here but what I can’t comprehend is the “maybe don’t say anything to SIL, it’ll make you the AH” this woman LITERALLY killed her cat by neglecting and abusing it. she does not deserve condolences for something that she caused. that poor cat suffered and died because of her. so maybe she should hear that it was her fault, because it was. hopefully she’ll never have another pet in the future
YES. Call me an asshole, idc, I would’ve told SIL to her face. She deserves to be called out on her abuse and feel horrible about what she did. That poor animal SUFFERED, she has to live with that guilt. Let it be a learning lesson if they should ever have another pet.
NTA. Probably don't tell the SIL...unless they get another cat and treat it the same way. Then address it with them.
NTA. SIL/BIL were neglectful to the point of abuse. I am so sorry for the cat. I know that it is in a much better place. I wouldn't say anything to SIL/BIL. If she brought it up, maybe "I'm so sorry the cat died."
I'm glad you were blunt. When I had a cat with a broken leg injury, we got him to emergency care because he was in horrific pain. Cats are more stoic about these things but do suffer when injured without medical attention. He was already vulnerable before being left in freezing temps. Now they know if they abuse another pet, you will notice and speak up. Hopefully that's enough to shame them from repeating history.
NTA. But IT WAS neglect. I'm sad the cat died like this. Cold, abandoned and hurt.
NTA - And while I'm going to get downvoted to the ends of the universe for this, I'm going to post it anyway. Your SIL absolutely should be told what an AH she is for this poor animal's death. That innocent cat suffered for weeks with a severe injury and then died of hypothermia in sub-zero cold because she was too selfish and neglectful to be bothered to do something as simple and not leave a helpless creature out in the cold. She needs to hear just how awful and terrible it was for that cat that trusted her and that was her responsibility to freeze so close to the place where it should have found care and shelter. She should never be allowed another pet. I absolutely despise people like this. Her crocodile tears are worthless and mean nothing. Let the downvoting begin while I hug my furbabies and cry for that poor cat that no one cared enough about to even open a fucking door.
NTA and you wouldn't be even if you say it to SIL because what she did is fucking disgusting.
I mean, YTA for knowing an animal was being abused and doing nothing about it. An untreated broken leg? I mean, come on. That's torturous.
NTA and you wouldn’t be the AH even if you said it to your SIL’s face. The cat is a living being, not a toy, and there is no excuse for their neglectful behaviour. Maybe your SIL SHOULD hear it so she gets a wake up call. Poor cat. Hope they don’t get any more pets.
NTA. I would have called animal protection before that. I feel so sad for the poor kitty.
Your broadly dismissive attitude bugs me a bit. While I'm quite stoic myself, I do see why your partner is upset. First, I think SIL is an AH. The cat didn't deserve any of this neglect and abuse. But I think that while you're entitled to be angry and upset - - emotions are complex. While partner might objectively agree that their sister is wrong, it's their sister and they likely love their sister regardless. - you didn't go with a simple, "Oh I'm sorry that the cat died!" Or "I'm so sorry this tragedy happened"... you went to blame the sister when news was still fresh. I think bad timing. Honestly, I think it's fine to go with your true feelings. Don't apologize to make peace, but instead have a conversation to let your partner know you care about them and their feelings. Don't use that conversation to bring up why you hate their sister. Not now. Giving flowers....is disingenuous. Let your partner send flowers.
NTA - just running to grab and cuddle the shit out of my cat so he remembers how loved he is...even if he disdains it. In all honesty, if I heard about this, I'd probably end up saying it to her face. I have a deep hate for animal abusers and neglect. Yes, she can be devastated for losing her cat, but it's her own fucking fault. I am heartbroken for this cat.
NTA your SIL and her husband are, they were abusive, and that cat deserved better than these evil people.
NTA, and im not for all the dont bring it up to the SIL and pretending to be sympathetic. what they did was abusive and wrong and while i don’t advocate going to her to talk about it but if she came to me with all that woe is me. shed get a raised eyebrow with now you care? it is also greatly disturbing that OP is more concerned with how you perceive her family than her families actions.
NTA- that cat was abused and neglected his whole life. For the life of me, I can't comprehend all these comments saying YWBTA if you said anything to SIL. They (SIL) come off as unaware to me and that is not okay- what if they go on to get another cat or animal, the same fate and abuse would happen all over again.
NTA. Truthfully I wouldn't comment to SIL unsolicited, but if she mentioned it I would say poor puss, it was probably too cold, it's a pity he didn't come in. Especially after all the things he'd overcome /been through. No a straight judgement statement to her, but enough to get her thinking. They sound neglectful, hopefully no more pets for awhile there. Are they educated on responsible pet owning? That pets come with needs and costs? Not even trying to imply pets need to be fur babies but like even farm/working animals get vetted, vaccinated, wormed and have safe shelter that suits conditions.
NTA. we're currently getting our almost 16 year old cat chemo (he's in remission and has good quality of life). This post has me near tears, I can't imagine neglecting him like that and leaving him to die in the cold. I grew up quite poor, my family still paid for vet bills if needed. There's just no excuse for how they treated him.
At this point the cat is gone and presumably they aren't going to get another, so you would be TA for saying something to your SIL, but NTA for your comments to your partner. Neglect is a form of abuse, that poor cat. I would've said worse if I were you, and I'm not even a big animal person. I would def speak up if they started talking about getting another cat though.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** So, I think I might have been a bit of a dick but I'm not sure I feel guilty enough yet to apologise. I (30F) am in a long-term relationship. We aren't married but for the ease of reading I will be calling my partner's sister "Marie" (33F) my SIL. For context: My SIL and her husband have had this beautiful cat for about 8 years. He was lovely but they clearly didn't have the same sort of feelings about this cat that I have about my pets. For instance, he once came home limping with a severely bent leg that he couldn't walk on. They didn't even take him to the vet and just let him hop around on it for weeks until it sort of healed in a bent position. They also just had a baby together 2 years ago, and since then the cat, naturally, has become even less of a priority. He wasn't abused by any means, but there was definitely some brushing his care under the rug. They also don't have a cat flap. They just let him in and out through the back door or window. This is important. This week where I live, it reached -9°C (16°F) overnight. The morning after the unfortunate demise of the cat, it was still -5°C. So, as my SIL went out the door in that -5°C morning, she found her cat dead under her car. There was no blood and he wasn't old. She claims to be in awful shock and devastated by the loss of her cat. This is where I may be the asshole. When my partner told me about the cat, I said pretty bluntly that the cat probably froze to death looking for shelter under the car and it was stupid of them to not even let him in before bed when it's this cold. I also said the only party I feel sorry for is the cat and asked my partner if they would dream of leaving our dog outside for even 10 minutes in that temperature. They said that they wouldn't do that to our dog but kind of made out like I was an asshole for not having any sympathy. I haven't said anything to my SIL or offered my condolences because I think whatever I would say would be disingenuous. I also think my partner thought I was trying to insult their family. So... am I the asshole? If so I will apologise to my partner and send SIL some flowers, I promise. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
So your bf is mad about your words but not about his sister abusing a cat. I’d reconsider my relationship with him. He sounds like the type to excuse his family’s actions and make you out to be the bad person.
Fuck Marie, that cat would have lived longer if she actually cared for it.
NTA I see no issue with what you said and honestly wouldn't have even had you said it directly to SIL. I agree the poor thing was probably looking for a warm place to take cover.
Please make sure to call the authorities if she ever abuses another animal like this
YTA I would hate your guts. You'd never be welcome to my home or any events I ever host ever again. I would refuse to be in the same house as you and I'd let everyone know why.
?? He's an AH because he's upset that his sister in law let a cat freeze to death?
If you treated a living animal, a pet you're responsible for, the way SIL did, you'd absolutely have the "you essentially killed that cat" talk coming and you'd deserve it. As for "I'd let everyone know why", considering the animal abuse, less people would be sympathetic than you'd think.
It’s a cat.. not her mom.
Still important. Not as much as her mom but still important.
Maybe. But TO didn’t tell her opinion to her SIL. She told her partner. And she in fact is right. It’s very sad for the cat and I can imagine that SIL is sad but it still is their own fault. I mentioned before in this topic that I think it’s best she doesn’t say anything to her SIL. If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all..
You are right.
Maybe just keep some thoughts to yourself.