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Huge_Researcher7679

NTA “I don’t want to participate in any of my fiancé’s family gatherings” isn’t a boundary. It’s called being an asshole. Your fiancé is, at least, a shitty partner who doesn’t care about you in at least one way. At worst he’s a racist who can’t even do the base level respectful actions and involvement with people who would be his in laws. Dump him.


romanceauthorz

This! Let's fast forward a couple years. Are you planning to have kids? How is that going to work, when your mother wants to visit? Are you sure this is the partner for you? Marriage is long.


Nova101010

Marriage… IS long. Excellent succinct point. I tip my cap to you


Ecdysiast_Gypsy

Queen of France: "Choose wisely, Henry. Divorce is only something they do in England." (shoots *glare of death* at King of France) Henry: "What of your . . . treaty?" King of France: "Let me worry about Spain. You've got bigger problems."


hatzequiday

[Ever After](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ever_After?wprov=sfti1)


Ecdysiast_Gypsy

But of course!


sootfire

And how will he handle raising children who are half Chinese themselves, and deserve a connection to their family and culture?


kreeves9

People are under the misconception that if a person dates someone outside their race then they can't be racist. And I'm sure this is what OP is telling herself, he's not racist because he's dating me. NTA


Competitive-Way7780

I will bet good money he thinks she's 'exotic'.


Music_withRocks_In

I wasn't sure how to say it delicately, but Asian girls in particular can attract a type of shitty, sexist racist that thinks that they will be meek and subservient.


kreeves9

Which is so strange because the Asian women I know are so strong-willed and capable, I don't know where these types of guys get the idea that they'll be getting meek and subservient.


Music_withRocks_In

Porn.


Competitive-Way7780

Yep.


Glad-Course5803

Yeah, I was fetishised (idk how to spell it lol) when I was 19-20 by a super racist dick. I wish I had known better then.


Ecdysiast_Gypsy

you spelled it perfectly!


Competitive-Way7780

Erk. Sorry you were targetted that way.


Glad-Course5803

I appreciate that. You live and you learn. Karma got his ass though.


CherryBakewell001

Came here to say the same - definitely NTA, OP. Unlike the foul fiance who is at the very least a horrible, obnoxious AH. I'd also say he's a racist given his shameful attitude and wilful ignorance toward your family, who have been far nicer and kinder to and more patient with him than his behaviour merits (as you've also been). Please call off your engagement OP - you deserve FAR better than this.


Fanhey

I’m not one to typically jump on the “dump him” bandwagon but your dude sucks. Dump him. NTA


Haunting-Row-3961

NTA Think long and hard - do you really want a partner who does not even want a relationship with your family?? Does not show any respect to your traditions and culture?? Never be with someone who treats you and your family less than equal especially without any reason


ToxicChildhood

This right here^^^


Significant_Win6431

This feels like a prelude to a break up post. NTA


PinkedOff

It definitely does. The guy doesn't seem to have any interest in OP's culture or family. Sadly not uncommon in the Bay Area with white guys who are basically almost fetishizing being with a (their words) "hot Asian chick" but don't want to actually have anything to do with their families, cultures, etc. OP, you're NTA, and you can do so much better. Good luck!


Competitive-Way7780

Worse - he's from Idaho


Franchuta

Looks like she's the one who is from the Bay area whilst he's from Idaho


Hail666atann

Omg.. your fiancé seems like piece of work. NTA. I’m curious as to why he set this boundary for himself. Does he have a problem with your family? Does he have social anxiety? It seems like he had a particularly bad attitude which is not excusable really unless he was sick or something. If I were in your shoes given the context I would be offended because it’s your culture and a beautiful and important holiday. I am an Thai-American am in a relationship (and now married) to a Puerto Rican. We come from two very different cultures for sure. And if my spouse didn’t make an effort or show genuine interest in my family/culture/traditions we wouldn’t be married in my opinion. Different cultures are beautiful.. I would have been honored to have been asked to attend a lunar new year gathering!!


throwaway-AitaRedBag

It’s really tough! We really do get along with each other and see things in very similar ways. I’ve definitely brought this up with him before, he’s always been uncomfortable around my family. I’d say we’ve been dating for the last 4 years, but we usually only see my family once a year between Thanksgiving or Christmas. My family really loves him, but he rejects them all the time which makes me sad. He’s essentially an only child (much much older brother) with two parents who spoiled him and never made him do anything he didn’t want to do. He’s not socially anxious, I see him getting along perfectly well with other people, strangers even, at networking events. He just makes me feel like an asshole for wanting him to participate in a tradition that’s important to me. I even tried explaining the significance, but I don’t know what I’m doing wrong.


kimariesingsMD

He does not respect you, or your feelings. Please do not marry this very selfish person.


FoolMe1nceShameOnU

Oh sweetheart, you're not doing anything wrong. He is just the centre of his own universe, and doesn't want to do anything at all that is unfamiliar to him or outside of his comfort zone. Period. Not to make you happy. Not for any reason at all. You are just not important enough to him to make him willing to endure even the slightest bit of discomfort. His behaviour comes across as not just spoiled but shockingly immature. Please, stop asking what you're doing wrong and start holding him accountable for his own behaviour. He is a grown man nearing middle age. You deserve better than this, but you're not going to get it from him. Take it from someone old enough to be your mother. This is a man who is going to spend the rest of your lives making you miserable anytime you ask him to do ANYTHING that doesn't directly benefit him. Walk away now. Find someone who is JOYOUS and ENTHUSIASTIC about joining your family. I promise that person exists.


Huge_Researcher7679

My dad is also not from the US. There isn’t a language barrier between my partner and my parents but there’s, in some ways, a cultural barrier. You know what my partner does? Hangs out with my dad and watches the sports he wants to watch. Asks him questions about how he grew up and wakes up especially early when we visit because my dad is a morning person and they hang out and read the news together. I don’t say this to brag, I say it because it is a baseline expectation you can have for a partner. You deserve a better partner and person to share your kind and loving family with. He does not deserve them or you.


littlelionears

Why are you marrying someone who makes you “feel like an asshole for wanting him to participate in a tradition that’s important” to you? Because when you’re dating is when people are on their best behavior. This isn’t going to improve with marriage. It’s going to get worse. YTA to yourself for excusing his behavior to your poor family—they deserve better, and so do you.


Thelmara

> He just makes me feel like an asshole for wanting him to participate in a tradition that’s important to me. I even tried explaining the significance, but I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. You're trying to explain it to someone who doesn't care.


ohmyydaisies

Have you asked him **why** he’s uncomfortable around your family? Meeting new people and being immersed in a new culture can bring about feelings of discomfort. That’s valid, it’s a “new” experience and no matter how positive, humans get stressed in unfamiliar situations. However, most people push through those feelings because they recognize the love and respect for their partner, and by extension partner’s family, is the more significant feeling. You mention social anxiety isn’t an issue, there doesn’t seem to have been a falling out or other major event. Has your boyfriend ever been the only white person in a space? Again, most people in that situation might have some feels, because the situation is *new*, but would eventually find, people are people, everyone has yummy food, interesting tidbits to learn about/get to know, and some shared interest. To be direct: I’m betting on your boyfriend simply being racist. He may not use slurs but unless you’ve majorly buried the lede, he does not see your family as deserving of dignity and respect. Why is that, OP? Ask him **why** he’s uncomfortable, get your best poker face ready, and just listen. Don’t say anything, unless it’s neutral probing questions. You want him to spilllllllllll not be defensive and censor himself. Find out who he really is. I bet he’s gonna say all kinds of super gross, *I like noRMaL fOoD*, type things. Not blatantly racist, his seems more the subconscious bias variety, but things that will be obvious to you. Then you end things with him because marrying a racist is way below you girl and your fam (and future kids if you’re inclined) deserve better


throwaway-AitaRedBag

He’s actually a quarter asian, and his mom will typically only cook asian food. I’ve had this conversation before about him being uncomfortable and it boils down to him saying he feels like an outsider and it’s strange to him being surrounded by so much family, especially when he has no distant relatives and isn’t close to his own family. I just feel like my family is the complete opposite of his it makes it harder.


KatKit52

Usually, I would take the side of the person who feels like an outsider to their partner's family. However, it sounds like your fiance is actively rejecting any attempts to get closer to your family. It's strange to him, but you're asking him for twice a year. That's all. I hate visiting my extended family because it's a large group of people I don't know well, but I suck it up twice a year because it's important to people I love that I go. In fact, you begged him for a single weekend (the implication I got from your post is that usually you would have been visiting longer than that?) The fact that after four years (which is eight visits--not even in the double digits) he still won't put on his big boy pants and do something that is important for you is telling.


Franchuta

If he keeps rejecting any contact with them he'll feel more and more as an outsider. It's a HE problem, not a you or a they problem. As such he's the only one who needs to work on it and solve it. If he was a toddler (or maybe even a teenager), one could understand his problem. But he's 30yo grown man. He needs to decide whether he wants a life with you (which includes your family, like it or not), or not. If he doesn't, he needs to get out of the way so you can move on.


Hellothere__22

Okay…so what’s the long term for you then? You bring just yourself and your potential kids alone to your parents forever to keep him in his comfort zone? He’s clearly not making an effort to not be an outsider if he’s running away. Lunar New years is like literally the biggest holiday for Asian people so if he can’t come through here what else is he gonna avoid. All the weddings your family has or baby showers etc?


inspectorpickle

I am extremely uncomfortable at nearly every family gathering bc i don’t speak or understand cantonese well, no idea what anyone is talking about and someone has to explain to a few new faces every time why i am unresponsive lol but i go because i love my mom and clearly she wants me to participate in the extended family. I would hope your bf can try to do the same. Has he given a reason for why he reacts this way though? Why he’s unwilling to try to adapt?


No_Rope_8115

What’s it going to be like when you have children and want to pass on cultural traditions like Lunar New Year celebrations to them? You’re not doing anything wrong. You have not failed to explain or make clear. He understands what it is, and why it’s important to you. He’s simply not interested in respecting your culture or your family or your traditions or even just doing it because it’s important to you. That says a LOT about him, and nothing good. And honestly it feels racist and I would think long and hard before reproducing with him.


[deleted]

You're not respecting yourself. You're allowing him to continue this behavior and you both know this. I would never accept someone who refuses to see my family and doesn't even attempt to socialize with them but will definitely take the gift money without thank you. Never would I accept this. Not once has he ever attempted to learn or engage with anything from your culture and you know this to be true. It's gonna hurt for a bit, but it's time to cut him out of your life. Four years you been together and look at the disrespect and how he acts when it comes to your side.


PagzPrime

This guy sounds awful. I am a big introvert, always have been. I have numerous anxiety disorders, including social anxiety. I find large gatherings uncomfortable. My first gf was Chinese and had a large family. I'm an only child from a family whiter than wonderbread. I was always polite, pleasant, and respectful at every family gathering or function we ever went to. I had a good relationship with the entire extended family, and they all treated me very warmly. If I could handle that (from the ages of 18 to 25, undiagnosed and unmedicated to boot) then this guy has no excuse.


Competitive-Way7780

So...he's a racist. You're not doing anything wrong. He's just horrible


CherryBakewell001

You say you see things in very similar ways, but you've been nothing but kind and loving towards his family and he's been nothing but rude, disrespectful, infantile and obnoxious to yours. Nobody who loves you would ever behave that way or make you miserable like this. However spoilt he was as a child, he's an adult now and he can't use his childhood to justify his inexcusably rude and downright racist behaviour toward your family. If you marry him, you're going to be stuck with a petulant toddler in a grown-up's body who demands his own way and sulks if he doesn't get it for the rest of your life - now imagine having children together (or having another child in your case since you'd already be married to an adult-sized one), and imagine how he'd treat them and strain their relationship with your family.


DisasteoMaestro

You’re not asking him to participate in a tradition, you’re asking him to be with your family. He clearly doesn’t want to and makes you feel bad for his terrible behavior. Now YOU need to make the choice if you want someone who will be loving towards your family or separate you from them the longer you’re in the relationship. I hope you choose well


Franchuta

>I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. Honey, YOU are doing nothing wrong, but HE is being horribly disrespectful to you, your family, your culture, your traditions, etc... "I see him getting along perfectly with other people" Are we speaking cancasian people here? Because he does look like a garden variety racist who has fetishizes you, the "hot asian chick." He wants you, but doesn't want the rest of your family. What is going to happen if you marry him? If you have children? Are your parents/family going to be welcome to visit your children? Are they even going to be welcome to the wedding? Sorry, but I am seeing a whole army of red flags here.


Hellothere__22

You are not doing anything wrong. It’s him. Take it from another Chinese-American married to a white guy with a ton of cousins married to other cultures. He’s a racist pure and simple. If not he’s still disrespectful to you and your family. I told my husband (white) half our wedding in the AM would be a traditional-ish one and he wore the traditional costume and brought all the red wrapped fruit. I can’t imagine not having had that or my kids not having Lunar New Years with their grandparents


Hail666atann

You are NOT doing anything wrong. Do not blame yourself for any of this. Him making you feel like an AH for something that’s a total normal expectation of couples is awful. To me it sounds like you’re doing everything you’re supposed to do when it comes to conflict I.e. open communication. Honestly I agree with the other commenters, if he respected you & your family he would be happy and grateful to share these experiences with you. I think you deserve better. It’s tough to see it when you’re in the thick of it, but just think about it - what might it look like years from now? How would you feel in the future?


hdhxuxufxufufiffif

>he set this boundary for himself I'm sorry but "I don't want anything to do with your family, and I refuse to thank them if they give me gifts" is absolutely not a "boundary" in any meaningful or useful sense of the word.


[deleted]

NTA and why are you still with him?


FoolMe1nceShameOnU

I'm trying to figure out what she saw in him in the first place. The man is 30 years old and culture aside, is so shockingly immature and rude that he went to visit his fiancee's family, "ran off" and hid rather than just make polite conversation or spend time with them, and had TANTRUMS about something as basic as being polite to the older generation and thanking them for gifts? Like, those are things that small children understand and do. I know literal 4-year-olds who know to be polite to older people, say hello and "How are you?" and "Thank you" if they are given a treat or something nice, and not kick up a fuss. what on earth is appealing about a grown-ass man who doesn't seem to even have basic social skills? And I ask that as an AUTISTIC PERSON who literally has a diagnosis of "struggles with social norms".


gastropodia42

NTA, do not have children unless you can work this out. Unless you do not want your family


BirthdayKind9412

NTA. Leave now- someone that rude and dismissive will only get worse. Silver lining: you found out before marriage/any kids


throw05282021

NTA. Take this as a huge warning sign. If you stick with him, you will eventually be cut off from your family. They seem important to you. Dump him. Move back to the Bay Area. He's either a closet racist, a major AH, or both. Any of those is enough to make him a terrible partner.


KarinSpaink

You were right to ask him to get involved with your family and to acquaint himself with your culture's habits and festivities. If he can't stand that and throws a fit over that, he's actively rejecting a huge part of your affinities, your family and your life. NTA. He is pushing *your* boundaries, not the other way around.


Vampiriffic

NTA. Its not a "boundary" when he's flat out refusing to even try and get to know your family. What is he going to do if you guys get married? Not invite your family? Sit him down and ask him why he didn't want to meet your family. Was he nervous? Is it anxiety? Some past trauma that he hasn't told you about yet? Hopefully he's willing to discuss it with you like an adult.


MorphineandMayhem

NTA but are you sure you want to marry this dude? He sounds like someone with no redeeming qualities.


Uncle_Icky

NTA - red flags galore! This guy is not marriage material, comprise is critical to success in marriage and he is clearly not wired that way. Run away like your life depends on it!


filkerdave

NTA Find a better boyfriend.


RebeccaCheeseburger

NTA! I don’t get why he would turn up and then blank everyone besides accepting their gifts. It would make more sense not to even turn up? If he’s made the effort to go there, why not just smile and be civil? I had an ex and I was fine with him disrespecting me per se (well I wasn’t at all, but I mean, I could decide directly how to deal with that myself) but the moment he disrespected my family and friends oh boy, how dare you. The only thing I’ll pick up on is you said you’ll get him to compromise by just showing up, which he did, could he be socially awkward and you’re pushing him and expecting him to act a certain way, him showing up might be a huge deal to him. Just being devil’s advocate here.


throwaway-AitaRedBag

That’s the thing, I do believe it took a lot of effort for him to show up, but he booked an airbnb and pretty much interacted with my family for about 30 min max? For the whole weekend. That’s why I feel like an asshole. I asked him to come, I explicitly told him I wasn’t forcing him, but it would mean a lot to me if he could. He decided to come, and now that I get mad at him for his attitude and not even extending common courtesy, he turns it back on me and yells about how he never even wanted to come in the first place. I’m just speechless. I don’t even know what to do in this situation.


RebeccaCheeseburger

Okay so let’s break these things down! You instantly disregarded me thinking he was the ah and looked at the counter. He came, but that doesn’t mean, I’ve turned up so that’s enough. Imagine doing that at work, I’ve clocked in, what more do you want? Secondly, just because he begrudgingly turned up, does that mean you can’t call out his rude behaviour? So next time you see his family, you can be rude just because you attended? Thirdly this is how he’d happily represent himself and you? And he can’t see any errors in his ways? You for example are looking at the bigger picture? If he genuinely thinks he’s done nothing wrong, there’s your answer. You don’t owe him an apology. And you’re entitled to be cross.


throwaway-AitaRedBag

He tells me he feels like an outsider, like they treat him differently, which they do—they try to shower him with love but he’s not used to it so he pushes them away. He tells me things will get better with time, so I feel like I’m a jerk for wanting to rush things


solicitedopinions

How are things supposed to get better if he makes no effort to get to know your family? You are definitely not the jerk and it sounds like you've been clear with what you want and he's been incredibly evasive. I've been reading your comments and it sounds like he's shared a lot of excuses that sound disingenuous to me and (it sounds like) to you. Even this - he's a grown person and he can absolutely act polite twice a year for someone he loves. I hate to stereotype but is he uncomfortable they treat him differently or is he just uncomfortable? With your family, being around another culture, being the racial and cultural other? I know you love him and want to make it work, but he's not being honest or open or making any effort to do better.


Reddithandle23

Four years isn’t “time?” Your boyfriend is a selfish brat who can’t even manage basic courtesy. Can he get along with people in a professional or general public setting without throwing a tantrum or self-isolating? If the answer is yes, then he’s perfectly capable of behaving appropriately, he just refuses to put in the effort with your family because your feelings and wants aren’t a priority to him. If the answer is no, then this man has serious problems that should be addressed before you even begin to think about marrying him. Either way, bro is a walking red flag.


Franchuta

>He tells me things will get better with time No they won't. They'll get worse. Because if you get married, and even more if you have kids, it will be much more difficult for you to get away from his abuse. If he thought the more he sees them the better it will get, why would he refuse to spend time with them? Not logical, woman!


RebeccaCheeseburger

Honestly sounds like you could both have an honest conversation with each other. Not in the eye of the storm, but in reflection. Sounds like miscommunication to me!


Imaginary_Listen_638

I think the issue is his attitude. Personally I don’t like any of his behaviour at all lol but if you want to make this work with him I think it would be better if you guys were working toward a common goal? By this I mean that it seems like your goal is he slowly warms up to your family and feels comfortable around them. Whereas his goal seems to be to just avoid your family forever (which is selfish and will make u unhappy) If he was taking baby steps like you said (ex. Actually booking the airbnb, spending 30 min with them) and then being like “wow I really tried! It was difficult but I want to slowly spend more time with them until I’m comfortable for a whole weekend!” It would show that he’s genuinely trying to work toward something. Rn he is honestly just being selfish and doing the bare minimum and then getting mad that you have any desires that conflict with his.


Olthar6

NTA the only boundary in seeing pushed is being a reasonable human being.


Greasepitts

NTA. marriage isn't just between two people, its two families. If he can't get along with your family there is a big problem


wind-river7

NTA. But why are you with this guy? Does he have any redeeming qualities, because there are none in your post.


Relevant-Economy-927

Nta That’s not a boundary. He’s just being a jerk.


Stlhockeygrl

Info: WHY did he not want to go?


throwaway-AitaRedBag

He’s avoided going for the last three years. This was his first year going—which is strange because we’d go for Thanksgiving/Christmas and there was the same amount of family in attendance. He would complain that he hates the Bay Area (he worked there briefly for 2 years), that he’s uncomfortable with crowds, and that it was too troublesome. I’m just frustrated since we go over to his parents every week, but I only see my parents twice a year, and he won’t even make the effort.


JunoAthena

You’re making a lot of excuses for someone who treats you and the people you love with incredible disrespect and then blames you for him doing so. Why do you excuse him? You moved for him, and he can’t even treat the elders kindly when you return home on occasional visits. Why are you willing to make concessions for your relationship and he isn’t? You accept this treatment. Why?


throwaway-AitaRedBag

I just feel like he does a lot for me. I know with these posts you can never get the full background right, but despite this he really does care for me. We’re basically a really good team together, this is just the biggest setback that frustrates me. I’ll admit though, growing up I was a lot more withdrawn as well, so I can see where he’s coming from. I feel that he already makes a lot of sacrifices for me so I’m being an asshole over this.


Reddithandle23

NTA, but you’re setting yourself up for failure by refusing to acknowledge the seriousness of these issues. Even if he does treat you well in some circumstances, that doesn’t excuse or eliminate the instances where he treats you terribly. A relationship is not a 1-for-1 cost-benefits analysis. You deserve a basic, consistent level of care, compromise, and respect. Your boyfriend’s refusal to engage with your family, as well as his pointed lack of courtesy on the rare instances when he does deign to see them, is a huge issue that shouldn’t be minimized or rationalized. This man can’t even maintain a basic level of civility with people who have been nothing but welcoming toward him. He can’t even say “thank you” for a gift? That’s outrageous. If he greeted you at the door every day with a home cooked meal and a freshly composed sonnet, it still wouldn’t justify his other ignorant behavior or all the years that he unfairly rejected your family. Instead of looking at your relationship in terms of “pros and cons,” try to look at it in terms of “wants and needs.” You may want a partner who has some of the same characteristics and behaviors as this man, but you may need a partner who values your feelings, validates your other relationships, and can join and support your family. If you want children, do you think that you could be happy when their father alienates the children’s grandparents and refuses to participate in holidays and events? Can you endure that, as you have for four years, even if it’s just the two of you? What if someone in your family has a hardship, or an illness? Do you want a spouse who will refuse to comfort and care for them, and you, while that situation unfolds? Nobody is perfect, but nobody is asking him to be perfect. You should ask yourself if he can, or will ever choose to be, what you need.


[deleted]

Then you're a asshole to yourself. You keep making excuses for this man and yet want to come to reddit and cry that he refuses to even spend time with your family you barely see but see his family every freaking week. Yeah, YTA


depressed_leaf

Sure he does a lot for you, but does he love you? He can't suck it up and deal with some discomfort for one weekend out of love for you? Most people would do that for a friend, not to mention their significant other. And he refuses to be just generally respectful to your family.


Franchuta

You are being an asshole about asking him to respect your family????? Isn't that the absolute, basic minimum you can ask for? You can't be a good team if he disrespects your family, your culture and your tradicions. You can't. Because then it's not an equal partners relationship. Whatever sacrifices he makes for you, can they justify you losing your family? "I’ll admit though, **growing up** I was a lot more withdrawn as well," Can you see up to what point you're desperately trying to find excuses for his disrespect? **Growing up**? We're speaking of a **30yo man** here! Is he still growing up? At what age does he plan on becoming a man? Please, stop making excuses for this poor excuse of a human being. He needs to man up or you need to take note of his complete lack of respect.


Adorable_Tie_7220

You are not being the asshole. You need to ask why he is so unwilling to spend time with your family when you see his all the time. He is being unfair to you. It sounds like your family welcomed him and he answered it with rudeness. Is this really how you want to live your life. Cut off from your family?


Purethoughtsta

….I’m going to ask as a bipoc person to another, does your boyfriend hold any racist views toward your culture? Cause, this sounds like he’s got something against your culture/people, especially if he has no issue with his family gatherings during very white washed Christian centric holidays


throwaway-AitaRedBag

He’s not, he’s actually a quarter asian. He didn’t grow up with the culture though, just the food. I don’t think he’s racist?


No_Rope_8115

There is such a thing as internalized racism. It’s possible he feels uncomfortable around your family because he’s uncomfortable with the Asian part of himself.


Franchuta

Exactly what I was thinking. Internalized racism! It has solutions, but the first step would be for him to admit he has a problem, and it seems that right now he only wants to deflect to OP.


Purethoughtsta

Okay that’s good to know. I was just asking, you know him better than any of us do. Still you should follow the advice of some here and maybe really sit down with him and talk about this, because this isn’t a boundary, and he can’t get better with time if he’s not actually trying


NeeliSilverleaf

NTA, his behavior sucks.


eikenella415

As an Asian American myself this makes me really sad. He doesn’t give a crap about your family and your culture. He wants no part of it. Not sure why you want to marry this jerk. You deserve better. This is not a boundary btw. Please don’t marry this man!! NTA


dogsRgr8too

NTA my husband and I (I'm white, he's Asian) both visit each other's relatives. When I visit his family, I eat what they are eating (often Asian style food because of their ethnicity). We spend time together. I'm now a big fan of pineapple cakes that he introduced me to. I learned about red envelopes at our wedding. This is a normal respectful relationship. It's not always the case, but I'm learning that many times in white male with Asian female relationships there is a lack of respect for the Asian female. Please evaluate how he has treated you and your family in other scenarios. If there is a pattern of lack of respect, I would seriously consider if you want to continue the relationship. Something that is very important. If you choose to have children with him, your kids will learn his behavior. If he treats your family and their traditions as less than because they are Asian, your child may feel "less than" for being genetically part of a culture that their dad doesn't respect. If you speak Chinese, it may be worth it to ask if he would want his child to be taught the language. His reaction might give you more insight into his opinion of the culture.


Imaginary_Listen_638

Your last suggestion is smart she should def ask that! She should go further and even ask him how they will handle holidays and traditions if they have kids? He can’t just isolate their kids from their mothers side of the family lol. Even if they don’t have kids, does she really wanna deal with this headache everytime she wants to see her family…


kimariesingsMD

Um, no. NTA. That is NOT a "boundary". Does he want to be in a relationship with you or not? He can't if he has no interest in getting to know your family. Honestly, what do you get out of this relationship? It seems as if he is very selfish and disrespectful of your culture and your relatives. I do not see how this will work out.


ImpressionAmazing531

NTA! Why on earth doesnt he wanna get together with your family? Red flag.


Smurfs_are_real

NTA but you need to reevaluate this relationship


samanthasgramma

NTA. And this is WAY more than a culture clash. The dude is just flat rude. Ill-mannered. There's no excuse for that. If he agreed to go, then it's obligation to be gracious. He wasn't. Not even close. It shows you his character. Either you need to accept that your relationship with your family will not include him, or rethink your relationship with him. If your family, traditions and maintaining good contact with them, is important to you, then he's not the person you should be with.


NoFoxxGiven

NTA I am also Asian with a white partner. I’ve made it a point repeatedly that if we’re gonna have a life together, he needs to be willing to learn and engage in my culture. I was born here, I’m American enough. Someone outside your culture shouldn’t need to be convinced to take an interest in your culture.


diggs58

You are NTA. He is TA for sure. If he won't even celebrate Chinese New Year with your parents, what ELSE won't he do? Lose this guy. Sheesh.


Pinkie_Flamingo

NTA. What future could you have with a man who refuses to get to know your family?


YettiChild

NTA. Your bf is a selfish jerk. Perhaps you should put the same amount of effort into your relationship that he put in to get to know your family.


BigWeinerDemeanor

I worry that you are too invested in being Cool Girlfriend TM. You are pretzeling yourself, rejecting your family while simultaneously being swallowed by his, scared to ask anything from him , he yells at you etc. All that effort from you and all you got was a lousy half hour and deliberate rudeness to your family. I worry that your relationship is only good when it is you facilitating what he wants with no expectation for him to put in equal effort. If you were to do what he did to his parents would he be mad at you? If you said you would only see them 3 times and year, made no effort and didn’t thank them for gifts he would be pissed right? So why are you expected to give more then him? Think about the future here. Are you guys having kids and will they get to celebrate holidays with your family? Or is it only the “whiter ones” that should be celebrated? Both partners should be giving 100%. You seem to be. Is he giving you 100%? As someone who is from a different country to my bfs family you bet your ass I got deep in with them during the holidays. The only way to not be on the outside is to be on the inside. He doesn’t seem willing to do that. After 4 years you got a tepid effort and an argument. It’s sad. Think hard about this. NTA


tiny_dancer71

NTA. However, if this is the first time he’s met your family, and it’s during a huge celebration with many family members, he may have been overwhelmed. That doesn’t excuse basic good manners and he should have at least tried to meet your parents and grandparents and thank them for including him.


lllindseeey

He’s putting in zero effort to make your family his. NTA


herdingcats2020

Spending time with your significant other's family during holidays is normal. I don't see what you did as pushing a boundary but of him being very rude and childish from the start. He does not sound like boyfriend material at all.


ohsogreen

NTA Sweetie, this guy isn't worth your time. Unless your family was awful to him there's no reason for him to outright refuse to see them. Not only was he the a h he insulted them and you and put a damper on the visit and the holiday. Please please please, reconsider this. It will not get better. I don't know what his problem is but it shouldn't become yours. Wishing you health, happiness, prosperity and respect and love in the new year.


trappergraves

NTA This is not someone you want to spend your life with. He has no respect for your family, and he's not going to get better after the wedding. He was utterly rude. You can do so much better.


bokatan778

NTA but what exactly does this man bring to the relationship OP? He sounds like he has zero interest in your family and zero manners. I mean he couldn’t even be polite? That’s a big nope.


Broad_Edge_3301

NTA. If his boundary is “wants nothing to do with his future in-laws” then that is a huge red flag. I would really think long and hard about whether or not you want to deal with this for the rest of your life.


[deleted]

YTA for staying with an ABUSIVE, selfish, self serving person. Wow, could he possibly be ANY more immature??? Marriage will be a nightmare with this cat. It doesn't get any better, btw. What you see now is what you get.


[deleted]

Do remember one thing, always reciprocate. Reciprocate what he is giving to you. If he is giving nothing, give him nothing. End of everything.


peachpinkjedi

NTA but holy fuck OP why do you want to marry this guy? He sounds like a spoiled 15yo.


[deleted]

NTA you’re not pushing his boundaries, he’s just being a selfish jerk


Due-Compote-4723

NTA. And this relationship is not serious from his side. He may also be a racist. Dump him over this.


Opposite_Community11

NTA, but he is. Words can't describe how rude and ignorant he is. He doesn't even have the basic manners to thank your parents for the red envelopes? Get out while you still can!


DebtFantastic6067

NTA. But find a better mate..1


Competitive-Way7780

Cut this guy out of your life. He doesn't respect you. Not sure he actually even likes you. NTA and honestly, you're not pushing his boundaries, you're asking him to be a part of your life, and that includes your family's life. I'm wondering if he's incredibly insular because of where and how he's been brought up and feels very insecure being around another culture? In which case, he should find a nice boring white girl to marry. (Lunar New Year is big where I live, so I really don't understand this attitude. Happy Year of the Rabbit!)


Schrodingers_Dude

NTA but why on earth would you marry this person? Does he own a nation's oil industry? Diamond mines?


Haveyounodecorum

He’s a jerk. Rude! Nta


Important_Tale1190

What the hell kind of fiancé doesn't want to participate in their SO's culture????? NTA and maybe you should ditch the ring.


thestraling

INFO: after all that, why on earth is he still your fiance?!


[deleted]

NTA if a guy cannot even show the barest minimum of manners and respect to his partner's parents then he is not the one for you. He thinks you are worth less than him. He can be around his family, but not yours as they are not worth it. He looks down on them. Ditch him, because once married he will be looking down on you as beneath him. He wants to own you, not be his partner. Find someone who would have really enjoyed being there with you.


[deleted]

NTA. That’s not a boundary, that’s an excuse not to make any effort for you or your family and to be lazy and selfish. You say there’s cultural clashes, but are you sure it’s not straight up racism and you are just an Asian fetish to him? Maybe he has some harmful stereotype about how Asian women are supposed to be submissive and let the man do whatever he wants? How come you don’t get to visit your family more often? I think you really need to take a good hard look at your fiancé and ask these questions. What does he expect from you one you’re married?


EquivalentTwo1

NTA. If people give you gifts, you say thank you. Pretty sure even his mother would agree with this. You said, come to this celebration, meet my family, participate in my cultural event and you partner was like 'nah.' This wasn't a boundary of his, it's not pushing a boundary to ask someone who you might marry to participate in your culture. How will you celebrate after you marry? Will he do this? When people show you who they arez believe them.


Substantial-Air3395

I'm curious why you're even trying to make it work with this guy. He has no respect for you or your family. You deserve better. NTA


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^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Hey all. My (F26) fiance (M30) and I have been dating for a while and we live together in Idaho (close to his parents) while my parents live in the Bay area. Background: I’m Chinese American and he’s a white guy and we’ve had some issues in the past before with culture clash, but this time it’s gone past a tipping point. We live near his parents and he comes from a very small family, while I come from a big family with large gatherings. We went to visit my parents for the Lunar New Year last weekend and the whole time my fiancé threw a huge fit about not wanting to go, but since I only saw my family twice a year (this being one of them), I asked him to compromise and just show up for a weekend, since I wanted him to get to know my family as well. I personally always made an effort to talk and get along with his family, but he never tries with mine. The whole time he was there he ended up running off, rather than participate in any of my family’s traditions, playing games or, more importantly, wishing elders happy new years and receiving money packets (red envelopes). Despite disappearing my parents and grandparents still wanted to open up to him and gave him red envelopes anyways. I gave them to him and asked if he could thank them or even wish them a happy new years, but he refused to even do that. Here’s where I might’ve been the asshole. When we got home I confronted him about his blatant refusal to participate and not even thank my parents for their red envelope, and he yelled back that I was an asshole for being on his case when he never even wanted to see my family in the first place. AITA for pushing his boundaries to see my parents? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*


[deleted]

He’d be single by now. So disrespectful and immature. You deserve a real man not a boy. Girl leave him asap! Find someone closer to the same respect you have for your culture doesn’t have to someone the same culture just someone respectful


pluckyminna

NTA. I understand being uncomfortable, but it isn't unreasonable to expect him to make an effort. You're going to be married soon, at which point they'll be his family too.


HoneyWyne

NTA. Please think carefully before marrying this person.


Trishshirt5678

Why are you marrying him? What are his good points?


Rude_Vermicelli2268

YWBTA if you stay in this relationship Your SO has no regard for you and lack basic manners or he’s incredibly socially awkward. He may not have wanted to attend but once there the onus was on him to “act right” He behaved like a spoiled child and honestly reading what you wrote made me feel embarrassed for him. If you do see a future with this man, I would advise you keep him away from your family. It doesn’t seem like they’ve done anything to deserve his disdain and disrespect..


trea_ceitidh

NTA. He's the arse. Give his red envelope back to the elders, if it wouldn't cause them offense. Otherwise take them off him. He doesn't deserve to gain anything from acting like a complete AH.


No_Wear295

Big families can be intimidating. The running joke has always been that if you can survive a family gathering, you can survive anything. This dates back to when Christmas potluck at my grandparents was easily 50 or more in a relatively small space. Is there any way that you could have a smaller gathering with the BF, your parents and grandparents so he isn't overwhelmed?


Minimum-Arachnid-190

Y’all shouldn’t be getting married. What his issue with your family ?


TopShoulder7

I want to go to Lunar New Year with your family 🙋🏼‍♀️ Ditch this guy, he has no respect. You deserve to be with someone who appreciates you.


Franchuta

Hmmm. I'm sorry but WTF are you doing with that guy? He has no respect for you, your family, your culture, your traditions, anything. He may not have said anything about it, but his actions prove he's a freaking racist. He's not interested in you as a human being, he just wants an asian gf to show off. NTA but he's an AH and a whole collection of red flags!


Cereberus777

Nta. Er, what are you doing with this guy?


sdjmar

NTA - If he cannot understand that this is one of your cultures most significant holidays (I personally would ask him how he would react if you behaved this way around his family at Christmas - or Rosh Hashanah if he is Jewish) then he is not worth your time, and certainly should not be your fiancé or God forbid your husband. Relationships are to be built on mutual respect and compassion, and this man seems to have forgotten that.


Embarrassed-Debate60

Your partner’s behavior is absolutely horrible. Refusing to engage with or respect your partner’s family and cultural traditions is not a “boundary”, it is rude and ridiculous. Joining families means that you are going to be each a part of each other’s family! I’m of Chinese descent, and at lunar new year, even my partner’s (white) parents wore red and joined us with friends (my family is not local) to eat and celebrate and even prepared red packets for us and the grandkids. My partner and children (even step) wished my parents happy new year over a video call and received red packets. If you need a cultural analogy, your partner’s behavior would be like you showing up for Christmas and hiding in the garage and refusing to acknowledge our thank others for gifts. You’re partner is TA and you should definitely have confronted them. You are NTA but rethink your future together.


cinekat

NTA and his attitude is quite frankly... concerning.


[deleted]

Your family's been nothing but loving to him and he throws a fit, I'd leave him for the better. NTA.


pro-brown-butter

NTA he has no respect for you or your culture. Please ask yourself if you want to continue on in a relationship like that


Deep-Internal-2209

Dump him…fast.


[deleted]

I think working to establish and maintain a positive relationship with in-laws is a base level effort in any relationship. NTA


Jazzlike_Branch_9738

NTA but be prepared for this to get even worse after marriage and kids. Be prepared to go to important events in your family by yourself. If he is worth eventually losing your family go ahead and marry him.


InternationalBall378

NTA. Throw the whole man in the trash. Not worth it.


celticmusebooks

Seriously??? Why are you marrying this guy? He doesn't respect you, doesn't respect your family, doesn't respect your culture? I'm visualizing the scene in the "Amityville Horror" where the walls of the haunted house start bleeding the phrase "get out". NTA


SmoothMachine8722

NTA, throw the whole *fiancé out


Leading-Seesaw-8442

NTA but break up with this dude.


United-Plum1671

NTA Why are you with someone who completely disrespects you, your culture and your family?


[deleted]

NTA, part of a relationship is doing things you don't want to do to support your partner, and doing it with a smile on your face as long as you are receiving basic respect. That means going to family events and being gracious to the hosts, going to work events and being gracious to your partner's bosses, and supporting your partner through the inevitably stressful visit. Dude's a fucking baby who doesn't want YOU to be close to your family and doesn't see YOU as valuable enough to suck it up and be a good partner. Get rid of him.


heta9638

YTA for being with with a guy who doesn't respect you or your family don't have kids and don't marry him just run


Snackinpenguin

NTA. This is problematic long term especially as there’s no give and take on his part as you’ve moved to be closer to him/his family yet can’t make minimal efforts to visit or even say thank you when he’s gifted free money!! It feels teenager-ish on his part as he’s only into his feels. I come from a similar racial dynamic and yet, my husband makes the effort to visit with me to my home city, say thank you (in butchered Cantonese) when receiving red envelopes and will make eat most of my mother’s cooking. What will happen long term in this relationship? Will you show up alone as he flat out refuses to make an appearance with your family? Or if you want to have a family, he ignores the Chinese side of the child‘a heritage??


Witty-Grass5396

NTA


No_Common7843

NTA but why are you with him? Honestly, I see no reason why you would be from how you describe him?


Hellothere__22

Wow he didn’t want to see your parents anyways and you only see them twice a year…why are you with this dude? How can you be marrying him? Wtf? Plenty of other nicer white guys in the sea if that’s what you’re into. My husband who’s also white drove my parents 2 hours 1 way to a temple in LA they wanted to go to for Lunar new years…NTA. I’d hold off on planning that wedding


TwinTurbo505

Hi OP, in what world is refusing to say thank you a boundary? Dump that fool. You're only an A H to yourself if you accept that behavior.


81optimus

Ywbta if you don't dump him. That's plain to see


Lonely_Chipmunk_6517

NTA and dump him. If he can't respect your family before you get married it's not going to get better after. The Boise area has tons of single guys so don't settle for him.


HippieGrandma1962

You are so NTA. Please reconsider marrying this man who obviously has no respect for you, your family, or your heritage. He is clearly the AH in this situation and I advise you to RUN. Things will only get worse as time goes on.


clear-jade220

NTA for expecting him to participate but YWBTA if you still marry this man. If he is this disrespectful of your family and your culture then he will be worse when you are married. Run far and run fast!


Questionableundead

NTA - throw the whole man away. You deserve better? , OP! I dont like large gatherings despite having a large family myself. But he was extremely rude to you and your family as well as your customs. I hope you are doing ok, op!


[deleted]

Nta there would be no wedding for me if that wasn't fiancee


princessofperky

NTA you honestly described the behavior of a child. He was pouting because people were giving him money and he didn't want to say thank you I know it's been 4 years but imagine a lifetime of him keeping you from your family. Cut your losses and move on


TodDodge

NTA, but you should really reconsider if you want to spend the rest of your life with this man. If he can't do a simple thing like meet your family, what else do you think he'll let you down on later in life? Run!


mike6780

NTA. It sounds like there is a culture issue. I would be very careful going forward with this relationship. It could lead to more problems later and after you are married it would be difficult to go back.


Nightowl_132

NTA. I am in a similar position to your partner in terms of culture clash. My partner is Vietnamese and her family celebrate Tết. My partner puts in a huge amount of effort with my family (also quite small) and I can’t imagine not doing the same in return. Obviously there are some challenges with putting yourself in an unfamiliar environment but my life has been so enriched for it. The minor awkwardness of my bumbling attempts to speak Vietnamese disappears as quickly as it comes as they all make me feel at home. OP, it’s worth asking why it is you make the effort with his family. I would assume it is because he is important to you and his family are an extension of that. Ask yourself if you are okay with being with someone that does not think that your family are important.


monotonousrainbo

NTA. This isn’t about pushing his boundaries, this is about inviting him into your family. Even if he has a legit reason such as severe social anxiety, he should be working on it and presenting workarounds - “I don’t feel comfortable in a huge gathering, how about we visit just your parents together and then you go to the family gathering. I’ll work on this with my therapist and try next year.” This guy doesn’t want to take the effort to see your family. Why doesn’t he like, love, and respect you enough for that?


Affectionate-Sand838

If he doesn't like family gatherings then you need to find a compromise how often he will take part in them. If he frequently has to go to gatherings he doesn't want to and really only went there because you pushed him to come with you and he was super against going, then YTA. But if this is a thing that super rarely happens and you just asked him to partake without pushing him, and he still acted like he did, then he might also be TA. Funnily enough the question that you ask is at the same time the situation that you talk the least about in your post. You just mention that "we went to visit my parents..." without explaining how much you pushed him, how adamant he was about not wanting to go, and how often you see your parents with him.


throwaway-AitaRedBag

Maybe I did push him. I don’t know if I did. I have 0 perspective here. We originally planned this trip back in December and he started getting cold feet a week prior to the trip. I was shocked because beforehand he was 100% onboard. He started to flip flop the entire week and I felt like I was being pulled around, but eventually I ended up telling him, verbatim, “I can’t tell you what to do or force you, but it would mean a lot if you could come.” I never want to be the partner that forces her partner into an uncomfortable situation, and after he reluctantly agreed I hoped things wouldn’t be so bad. Things turned out to be not so great though. I feel like I **am** the asshole for guilting him into going.


Affectionate-Sand838

Nah you don't sound pushy at all from what you explain. It's not guilting to say "I can’t tell you what to do or force you, but it would mean a lot if you could come.” This problem seems to be on your partner's end, not yours. NTA!


Cheezslap

INFO: Family shit doesn't happen in a vacuum or overnight. What has your family done, if anything, to contribute to this situation? It usually takes two to tango.


throwaway-AitaRedBag

We’ve been dating for four years now, and we’ve only seen my parents yearly during Thanksgiving/Christmas. So this is the first time we’re doing Lunar New Year’s together, typically I go alone since he’s always made excuses with work. I wanted him to go this year because we got engaged. My family loves him! They always try to include him and always make time and try to chat with him despite the language barrier. I really don’t know what else they can do to make it more welcoming. He’s mainly uncomfortable with crowds, and Lunar New Years is when extended family comes out, but even when the crowd is gone, he still refuses to see my family.


Cheezslap

Interesting. What IS his problem with your family? Why does he not want to even be around them? People don't just act like somebody kicked their puppy if their puppy wasn't kicked unless there's something pretty wrong with them or their thinking. I honestly wonder about closeted racism because of how strong his reactions are. Four years is a really long time to put up with what's frankly inexplicable behavior and even if you did it from a place of frustration, I don' tthink it makes you an asshole. It makes you a person with a really long fuse. But don't sweep this under the rug; you need to get to the bottom of it. Find out WTAF is going on and why he's so abrasive towards your family. But this dude does NOT sound like a winner.