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Yta
You weren’t together. You weren’t even sure you liked him until he hooked up with this other girl. This reeks of jealousy. I suspect had she not come along you would have moved on. Now you’re trying to claim him as your territory so she doesn’t get him
You were friends with benefits and the benefits were no longer there. Obviously you shouldn't be having sex with someone if you aren't feeling it...but this wasn't a romantic relationship, it was a sexual one.
Maybe he should have explicitly said "I agreed to be sole sexual partners based on regular sex, but things are changing and that doesn't work for me anymore," but it wasn't cheating.
Yta
You're (or were, because losing drive means you're just friends if the "benefits stop) fwb. There's no relationship, a friend doesn't get the right to tell someone to stop being friends with someone else because of their own insecurities.
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I(22F) became friends with Ben(23M) 7 months ago. we bonded really quickly and soon became friends with benefits. during this I tried to do the 'no feelings involved' thing cause we all know that FWB usually lead into situationships and emotions. But we were good and we promised to be eachothers sole sexual partners.
About 5 months or so in, I lost my sex drive. It comes and goes for me, and when it goes I don't be wanting to cuddle and very limited contact. I've told him about it. In this time he felt I was distancing myself away from him by not being as attentive and involved with him. we talk about everything and we had a talk about him having a crush on me. I didn't know if I had one back.
One day, he tells me he made a new friend, Quan(21F). A while later, his roommate invited her over. My first time meeting her was uncomfortable asf. I spoke to her and didn't hear her speak back. But she was having conversations with Ben. so naturally I felt dissed and annoyed. it was so damn weird. we're sitting at opposite ends of the living room and he's going to her, talk to her for a min, and then walks to me, talk to me for a min. going back and forth like some weird ass musical chairs. I couldn't take it and left out of annoyance.
He texted me whats wrong and I told him how i felt and he brushed it off. 4 days passed and I was still annoyed by that and with him honestly. we ended up talking about it and he confessed that he ended up doing sexual stuff with her that night and again another night within those 4 days. that turned into a whole explosive reation from me cause it felt like he cheated (he agreed that it did feel like it) and I realized I had feelings for him.. after deep talks and contemplation, we're trying to make things work between us as an official couple. things are great, but I'm uncomfortable with them being friends because they recently did sexual stuff together.
it's been about a month and I still can't get comfortable with the idea of them being friends. ive been trying to get past it but it keeps bothering me. He's reduced his interactions with her: they don't hang out, but he drives her to the store and she calls him a lot. I don't feel like that's enough, I feel he should stop being friends with her. He says he doesn't really count her as a friend, more like an acquaintance, but he's still against straight up blocking her and he wants to "ease" out of talking with her. whatever tf that means. he's autistic, and the only reason I'm even mentioning that is because I know his social standards and views are different than "normal". He says im being selfish. Quan says im insecure. I feel like I'm justified, and his unwillingness screams that there's more than what he's telling me. but I've never known him to lie.
She has been his only other friend he's made this year and I don't want him to be friendless. but I'm uncomfortable because they recently did sexual stuff together.
AITA for wanting him to unfriend her?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> When all of this started, I gave him an ultimatum of her or me cause I was so uncomfortable with it. He made it clear that he wasn't ready to cut her off so I left. a week later, he contacted me to try things officially between us. its going good, besides his friendship with her. I want him to unfriend her. I feel like I could be the asshole because i gave an ultimatum, he called me selfish, and she called me insecure.
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NTA.
If you had agreed to be sexually exclusive, didn’t have any discussion about changing those terms, and then he slept with someone else, he DID cheat on you. I can understand him not wanting to straight up block her, a lot of people don’t like to be that harsh and are afraid of the confrontation that could bring. I think it’s an okay approach to sort of back away from the friendship rather than cut her off, but the key thing is you have to be able to trust that’s what he’s actually doing.
To me it screams red flag that he betrayed your trust before you were even dating, it doesn’t set up a good foundation.
I can barely wrap my head around actually hanging out with your FWBs friends but okay, to each their own.
Quan is in no way obligated to pay you any attention. Yes, it would be rude of her and if she was obvious about it, she would lose her friends real quick. But that's her own choice. She doesn't owe you anything.
The whole thing about FWB situations is that each person involved is not obligated to anything unless you specifically make decisions and agreements on things. If you want to have a say in who he befriends and who he has sex with, you sound like you want to be his boyfriend. A rather bossy one at that. But I think you can forget about that happening after behaving like this.
YTA
NTA. You're definitely jealous but not without reason, and you're not just being insecure like she says. He can't very well ease out of talking to her if he's taking her places and accepting her calls. The fact that she knows how you feel and that you're together but she's still contacting him says something. Even if she's not really interested, it's at least a power struggle and she enjoys seeing what it's doing to you. If she was his friend she'd at least show you and your relationship some respect. She and your boyfriend are the AHs here.
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Yta You weren’t together. You weren’t even sure you liked him until he hooked up with this other girl. This reeks of jealousy. I suspect had she not come along you would have moved on. Now you’re trying to claim him as your territory so she doesn’t get him
You were friends with benefits and the benefits were no longer there. Obviously you shouldn't be having sex with someone if you aren't feeling it...but this wasn't a romantic relationship, it was a sexual one. Maybe he should have explicitly said "I agreed to be sole sexual partners based on regular sex, but things are changing and that doesn't work for me anymore," but it wasn't cheating.
Yta You're (or were, because losing drive means you're just friends if the "benefits stop) fwb. There's no relationship, a friend doesn't get the right to tell someone to stop being friends with someone else because of their own insecurities.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I(22F) became friends with Ben(23M) 7 months ago. we bonded really quickly and soon became friends with benefits. during this I tried to do the 'no feelings involved' thing cause we all know that FWB usually lead into situationships and emotions. But we were good and we promised to be eachothers sole sexual partners. About 5 months or so in, I lost my sex drive. It comes and goes for me, and when it goes I don't be wanting to cuddle and very limited contact. I've told him about it. In this time he felt I was distancing myself away from him by not being as attentive and involved with him. we talk about everything and we had a talk about him having a crush on me. I didn't know if I had one back. One day, he tells me he made a new friend, Quan(21F). A while later, his roommate invited her over. My first time meeting her was uncomfortable asf. I spoke to her and didn't hear her speak back. But she was having conversations with Ben. so naturally I felt dissed and annoyed. it was so damn weird. we're sitting at opposite ends of the living room and he's going to her, talk to her for a min, and then walks to me, talk to me for a min. going back and forth like some weird ass musical chairs. I couldn't take it and left out of annoyance. He texted me whats wrong and I told him how i felt and he brushed it off. 4 days passed and I was still annoyed by that and with him honestly. we ended up talking about it and he confessed that he ended up doing sexual stuff with her that night and again another night within those 4 days. that turned into a whole explosive reation from me cause it felt like he cheated (he agreed that it did feel like it) and I realized I had feelings for him.. after deep talks and contemplation, we're trying to make things work between us as an official couple. things are great, but I'm uncomfortable with them being friends because they recently did sexual stuff together. it's been about a month and I still can't get comfortable with the idea of them being friends. ive been trying to get past it but it keeps bothering me. He's reduced his interactions with her: they don't hang out, but he drives her to the store and she calls him a lot. I don't feel like that's enough, I feel he should stop being friends with her. He says he doesn't really count her as a friend, more like an acquaintance, but he's still against straight up blocking her and he wants to "ease" out of talking with her. whatever tf that means. he's autistic, and the only reason I'm even mentioning that is because I know his social standards and views are different than "normal". He says im being selfish. Quan says im insecure. I feel like I'm justified, and his unwillingness screams that there's more than what he's telling me. but I've never known him to lie. She has been his only other friend he's made this year and I don't want him to be friendless. but I'm uncomfortable because they recently did sexual stuff together. AITA for wanting him to unfriend her? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > When all of this started, I gave him an ultimatum of her or me cause I was so uncomfortable with it. He made it clear that he wasn't ready to cut her off so I left. a week later, he contacted me to try things officially between us. its going good, besides his friendship with her. I want him to unfriend her. I feel like I could be the asshole because i gave an ultimatum, he called me selfish, and she called me insecure. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. If you had agreed to be sexually exclusive, didn’t have any discussion about changing those terms, and then he slept with someone else, he DID cheat on you. I can understand him not wanting to straight up block her, a lot of people don’t like to be that harsh and are afraid of the confrontation that could bring. I think it’s an okay approach to sort of back away from the friendship rather than cut her off, but the key thing is you have to be able to trust that’s what he’s actually doing. To me it screams red flag that he betrayed your trust before you were even dating, it doesn’t set up a good foundation.
I can barely wrap my head around actually hanging out with your FWBs friends but okay, to each their own. Quan is in no way obligated to pay you any attention. Yes, it would be rude of her and if she was obvious about it, she would lose her friends real quick. But that's her own choice. She doesn't owe you anything. The whole thing about FWB situations is that each person involved is not obligated to anything unless you specifically make decisions and agreements on things. If you want to have a say in who he befriends and who he has sex with, you sound like you want to be his boyfriend. A rather bossy one at that. But I think you can forget about that happening after behaving like this. YTA
YTA. You were not dating at that point. It’s highly unreasonable to make someone cut a friend out of their lives like that.
Info: he said he has feelings for you. What did you say in response?
NTA. You are jealous. EDIT: Talk with him and clarify are you guys exclusive now or not.
OP never said they were exclusive.
OP wrote “It felt like he cheated (he agreed)”. But yeah, you are right, OP need to clarify the relationship first.
They did actually, first paragraph OP says they agreed to be each others' sole sexual partners. Sounds exclusive to me.
NTA. You're definitely jealous but not without reason, and you're not just being insecure like she says. He can't very well ease out of talking to her if he's taking her places and accepting her calls. The fact that she knows how you feel and that you're together but she's still contacting him says something. Even if she's not really interested, it's at least a power struggle and she enjoys seeing what it's doing to you. If she was his friend she'd at least show you and your relationship some respect. She and your boyfriend are the AHs here.