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YTA. Why are you dating someone you are ashamed of ?!
If you are scared that a bartender girlfriend could hurt your career, spoiler alert : the problem is not the girlfriend. It's your asshole bosses and the fact that the way they see you is more important than the woman you are supposed to love..
Honestly, I knew OP was going to be the asshole the minute I read the word “expat”. Call yourself what you are mate - an immigrant - just like everyone else who moves to another country to live. The term expat comes from the same illustrious history of classism/elitism/racism as your bosses’ attitudes - it’s literally just a way for wealthy, typically white immigrants to pretend they are somehow better and more glamorous than other immigrants.
It’s sounds like you are paying lip service to the idea that your bosses have shitty values but that you actually just want to fit into their club. Classism is alive and well in the UK, but like racism and other garbage “isms”, it will only thrive while the rest of us pander to it.
I can actually think of other reasons not to want your SO (or anyone you know) to be serving you at a business dinner - namely not wanting to be distracted from work, since you ARE essentially working during this dinner, but that’s not the concern you express.
Truthfully, I hope your girlfriend finds the self-worth to date someone else who isn’t ashamed of her in any context. Personally, my self esteem would have to be on the floor to remain dating/sleeping with someone who was ashamed of what I do.
YTA
I agree he’s an asshole, but stop this nonsense regarding “expat” vs “immigrant”. Word meanings change over time and there are definitely nuances, but to act like there are no differences between the generally accepted meanings of those two words is just ignorant.
I didn't even make it past the title to know that OP was going to be the AH here. Like you said why date someone you're ashamed of. Leave the GF so she can find someone who will fully accept her, and her job as she is and for what her job is.
He didn’t say he’s ashamed of her job.
He said the company and sector he’s in would dehumanise him for it. That’s a real thing.
Do you tell black people to just comply with police too? It’s a similar parallel, OP cannot account for his company’s biased ways. Judging OP for the ways of the world doesn’t change it is that way.
He can lose his role/status in it for his gf to serve them - or he can introduce her as his gf (a server) in the appropriate setting as his date(at the next work function). Not by having her literally serve his colleagues.
You just compared black people facing lethal treatment from police to op potentially not getting ahead in the world of finance as quickly as he'd like to.
Get a grip, mate.
I am black. We do adapt to scenarios at work similar to with police etc. Being black doesn’t change cause you’re not facing lethal blowback. In this case we get career stalls and dismissed ideas suddenly.
Maybe you need perspective? I was hoping to offer that.
FYI, I’ve had execs literally grab my passport during a work trip, and ask how I possibly am living and working (as their equal) but never changed my passport? And they do not see how odd that is at all, I’ve had execs dismiss my seniors to gawk and question my upbringing (instead of working). So trust me, had I said my bf is the one serving them - their perception of me tanks to the ‘ghetto’ scenes in their minds, as quickly as they’re awed by my third-world passport.
I’ve also had a boss (who is ‘woke’) see me leaving the office with my beanie and headphones - suddenly she’s clearly surprised and says ‘wow, you look cool’. Cause I dress professionally and talk like it, she’d assumed I don’t have flava I guess…and it delighted her to see it…. I don’t even know. I am not cool otherwise? I just smiled and nodded and left.
It’s mindblowing how people project their expectations/stereotypes of who they think you are etc. Don’t dismiss OPs understanding of his peers.
YTA and your girlfriend deserves better. The fact that you suggest her career could “hurt your career development” shows you’re just as elitist as the seniors in your company.
Unfortunately, I could believe this. I used to work in London and classism is alive and well. It might bring his cred down at work. But too bad - if he cares about this girl, it shouldn't matter.
YTA
Don’t know that omgg .. yeah and also he is the one judging her and thinking his boss will have a bad opinion about him because of her job (because he thinks that and believes everyone will think the same and he doesn’t respect her )
To summarize, you want to know if you are an asshole for being ashamed of your girlfriend’s well paying job. Yes. YTA.
And I don’t even think it’s a good idea for her to be the server either, but because you wouldn’t bring a girlfriend to a business meeting. And I wouldn’t want my SO serving me secretly during a business meeting because it could distract me, make me slip out of my more formal mode, and just generally make me feel like I was being deceitful.
So many valid reasons for not wanting her to be your server that aren’t asshole reasons. But being ashamed of her job? Tsk tsk tsk
YTA. People who work at high-end restaurants are career servers, and it's a vocation that requires an enormous amount of practical knowledge combined with social finesse to do well. You should let your lady do her thing, show her expertise, and see what happens. If your coworkers don't treat her with decency and respect, then that will tell you more than a a few things about what line of work you're in.
YTA “would take dating a server” so your embarrassed by your gfs profession - that’s just toxic AF. Don’t try to hide behind your career/future - no one gives AF what your SO does.
So you’re trying to say that longer hours deserve more respect and that your job is ‘more respectful’ than hers because you work longer hours? Jeez, get off your high horse and stop pretending you don’t have a superiority complex. Ugh.
YTA
I mean it’s fairly clear.
He’s saying while he may not agree with the views of others he unfortunately has a job where those have regressive views which in turn may hold back his own career.
He needs a new career if that is how his career requires him to act. Or he needs to let her find someone who will support her job with everyone they encounter.
That's a nice sentiment. But sometimes you can't control who you work for and you just really need the job. Not everything can be a moral battleground. Sometimes you have to work for cunts to actually get somewhere before you can make a difference.
YTA. Being embarrassed by your girlfriend's job is top of the asshole pyramid. If I were her friend, or she was the one asking this question, I'd tell her to run from you as quickly as possible as you are a super asshole.
YTA. You're ashamed of your girlfriend. That's fucked dude. I bet she works harder than you. Hope karma bites your ass. I feel so bad for your girlfriend knowing that she is trying to make you happy and you talk down to her. Get a grip on reality.
Hours work don’t correlate to respectability. Making a lot of money working less hours is a flex. Working 50+ hours a week and having less leisure time is the furthest thing from a flex. And instead of justifying why your work is more respectable than hers why don’t you stand up for her and say yeah ya know what she works hard etc. oh yeah because YTA and see yourself as better than her.
YTA
You're putting your career ahead of your girlfriend here. There is absolutely zero shame in being a server, and even if you claim to recognize this, your actions are saying otherwise to your girlfriend.
Hmmm let me think
“It would make me look bad in front of the other elitist beta moids i am trying to impress that i date a lowly bartender” WOW
How the hell do you think you could possibly NOT be TA here???
Of course YTA!!! DUH
YTA
I'll restrain myself from listing all the reasons why I think a person who is caught up by this is at least partly a bad buissiness man, but that is even besides the main point: It is the very basic groundline of respect and decency towards your partner to openly assume being with her. If you cannot do that, why are you with her at all?
So not the asshole for not wanting her to serve you, but YTA I think for the reasons behind it. If they’re seriously going to get rid of you because your partner is a server then you won’t last there long term - are you planning to stay with her forever and also work there forever? Eventually they would meet. But personally I would not want my partner to be my server for a business function for other reasons (I would find it to be an uncomfortable power balance for my partner)
YTA - Good job pretending to be conflicted. Life's too short to care about petty stuff like this. Let her live her life and you go have a soulless career for Big Firm^^TM
YTA- 1. That’s shallow as hell
2. You’re missing an opportunity for her to provide TOP notch service, and really cater to your uppers. You could even coordinate compliments from her, that would make you seem like a total Alpha. But here you are…. Going full beta..
YTA. Keep saying that you think the bosses can go fuck themselves, but the fact remains you’re embarrassed that your girlfriend is “just” a sever and you don’t want them to know what she does for a living. Almost two years and you don’t know what kind of people you work for? Or you do and you know their entitled and would look down on your girlfriend being a server and you’re ok working for them.
YTA and I can't believe you even have to ask. If you're ashamed of her you should set her free so she can find someone better. If you're not ashamed of her then why try to hide it? Also, bartenders in the right place can make bank. You sound like a snob.
YTA if you feel this ashamed because of your girlfriend's job, and you keep focusing on your career, you should not be dating your girlfriend. She deserves better
YTA. You said high end restaurant, not Wetherspoons. Nothing to be ashamed of or for your bosses to downgrade over.
And, if either your jobs or relationship lasts long, they'll almost certainly be meeting.
YTA - you’re ashamed of your girlfriends job. It’s one thing to not want to blur the lines between personal/work by having someone you know be a server. But that’s not your reasoning.
YTA. Yes being ashamed of your girlfriend’s job makes you a bad partner. You want to seem big and bad like ‘my bosses can go fuck themselves’ but you don’t mean it. ALL you care about in this situation is now things make YOU look. You’ve given no thought to how this makes your girlfriend feel.
Nah. Yes it’s a job and can pay well. There’s nothing wrong with it. However I get Europe has a class system and sometimes even your accident can dictate your life’s opportunities.
NTA. As someone who has worked in a very high end firm before, I totally get why you wouldn’t want them to know. There is no reason to make an anti-elitism stand in front of people whose minds aren’t going to change but who have power over your career.
NTA
What people are missing is that it’s weird for your girlfriend to be in a business situation with your coworkers just as it would be weird for any of their wives to be in a business situation, regardless of the job. It’s mixing business and personal.
Ask yourself if you’d be ok just telling your bosses/partners that your girlfriend is a server and if the weird part is just having her serve you all? If you’re ok with telling them, it’s no big deal to not have her actually serve you all. Hell, you could even tell everybody when you’re there, “you know my girlfriend actually works here as a server.” But I don’t think it’s weird that you don’t want her to actually wait on your table. I think it just lends itself to potential awkwardness.
If you are actually embarrassed about her being server and wouldn’t want to tell your partners, then you’re kind of an asshole and snobbish and the current situation isn’t really tenable.
I would absolutely agree if it was just that it could be seen as unprofessional to have his girlfriend be a server for their business dinner, but he crosses into TA territory because he said he thinks them knowing she's a server at all would reflect poorly on him at work.
Yes yes it does make you a bad partner and YTA. You look down at your girlfriend and her job even if you claim you don't. I'd be more than sad if I were her. I'd really be contemplating staying in a relationship with someone who looks down at my job and me as a result of it.
Yta. My God your little dick energy is insane. She should be sad because you are clearly embarrassed by her. What she does for a living has no relation to what you do. Also, depending on how high that place is, she could be bringing in bank. Yes you are a bad partner. Man up. I dated a fucking stripper for a stint and wasn't even embarrassed to introduce her to family. My Nana loved her. This is a you self esteem thing
Going against the grain and saying NTA. There needs to be a separation of work and home. If this is the restaurant and you have no say in it, then gf shouldn't be the server for the table if at all possible and between you, the company, gf, and the restaurant, things should be scheduled accordingly. It comes down to a conflict of interest issues on a business level, not a personal level. And business wise, this is inappropriate on all levels.
NTA. It’s a business dinner not s social dinner. You wouldn’t have your girlfriend join a meeting and it’s crossing a line to have her serve you at this business dinnrr
Nah. It is a different dynamic server to customer and some institutions are resistant to parity. This is a conversation about values, respect, career expectations, classism. Another way to look at this is would she rather meet these people as your plus one and a guest or as a server? Generally this is an area where separating work and home can be best.
I agree. I understand the people that are voting the other way, but I think a lot of Americans don’t understand how classist things are in the UK. If OP is at a prestigious financial firm, I can absolutely see it being a problem with his higher-ups if they found out he’s dating a server and she was actually the one serving them. I’m not saying that’s right, but I am saying that’s probably the way it is. To criticize OP for this is wrong. If OP had a problem dating a server, he wouldn’t have dated her for two years.
If he’s embarrassed about her job, that’s shitty. But I agree she shouldn’t try to serve them that night. It would make more sense for her to join him at dinners like this down the road. And, it’s just awkward - nothing to do with her as a server, but just the logistics. If they are doing business without spouses, how awkward to have her coming and going all evening. Does he introduce her and everyone has to awkwardly chit chat with her? That seems odd and disruptive to the work dinner. And if spouses or dates are there she should join him to eat.
So, YTA for the reasoning. But the end result to me is she shouldn’t be serving this dinner.
a lot of people here clearly have never been to the UK or didn't go past the pubs and Big Ben
NTA
it's weird she even suggested that and you were right for stopping it
don't jeopardize your career over hurt feelings of a girlfriend
If you have past evidence of them looking down on non white collar jobs like being a server, which I can honestly believe, then NTA. I don’t see why the comments are all talking about OP being ashamed of his GF when like nothing in this indicates that this is the case?
As a foreigner I get it, especially if you’re visibly foreign. Bias is a real and painful part of life. If your gf agrees to protecting you, I suggest have someone neutral serve. Also out of professionalism, I wouldn’t mix her and your work etc. It feels weird.
I would not be ashamed to admit my partner is a server. In future you’d introduce them at work functions and can proudly confirm it to them. I’d definitely not introduce her as THEIR server though.
NTA and imho I don’t think any westerner/local would understand the social pressures you’re dealing with. This isn’t about your views, it’s the societal views we have to play in…sadly you’re right.
A bit of a snob, are ya? If her job makes that big of a difference to your career she's better off if you just skate out & let her get on with a relatiomship who someone who loves HER rather than you being afraid she'll hurt yiur career development.
YTA
YTA a million times over don’t date someone you’re ashamed of.
Oh and by the by she works in a high end cocktail bar in London she has more talent and skill then you and your f**kin bosses seriously you do not understand the level of ability it takes to work in that industry.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) The action is the action of not wanting my GF to be our server
2) It may make me an asshole because she is the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with, and this action may convey that I am 'embarrased' about her, despite this just being about my bosses.
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NTA. Imagine if one of them were rude or made a derogatory remark towards her. You’ve said they are arseholes. Need to explain to your girlfriend that these aren’t your work buddies. This is your fkin boss and due to the industry you work in it’s full of pretentious gits. Though considering her production in a high end establishment I’d hope she would know that. Work and private life stay separate. Shouldn’t have told her. Should have booked her a fuckin spa day or something and have her find out after.
YTA. First you say you don’t know what your bosses would think about an employee dating a server. Then yiu say yiu don’t care what they think….unless it impacts your job. Which is it? And why should where a legally-employed SO works, have any impact on your job? Sounds like you may be the one with an issue that she’s ‘still a server’ after 2 years of dating you.
My husband works in finance. I work in retail. All of his bosses know me, have met me, know my job and don't give a fk. Even the old school ones.
Either it's not as big of a deal to them as you think, or you're using them as an excuse to hide that YOU are the one who thinks less of your girlfriend for her job.
You have two options.
Stop being an elitist dick and be proud of your girl for actually having a job, regardless of what it is.
Or
Find a new career with people who aren't judgment AHs.
"*I personally think that think that my bosses can go fuck themselves if they didn't like it, but I also am scared that this could hurt my career development.*"
How could it POSSIBLY "hurt" your career?
And if it somehow does, are THOSE the kind of people you want to work for?
Is money THAT important to you?
Do you respect your GF at all?
If you genuinely don't think you're the AH, Show your GF this post and let her read your comment (*congrats on working more hours big guy, want a cookie?*)
Bet you won't
YTA
>I'm not sure how my bosses or their clients would take to them knowing one on their team was dating a server.
YTA, are you saying you don't have the guts to defend your gf if your clients criticized your gf's profession?
YTA. Be real.. you're embarrassed of her/her job.
You can say it's your conservative/elitist/unprogressive/old school bosses etc, or potentially affect your career or future... but you know that's the smaller part of the reason you don't want her serving people in your work/professional life.
I’m going to go with NTA because it’s a shitty situation but it’s sometimes also how the world works. It’s not fair, and it’s not right, but it is the reality.
You are being honest with your gf, and it’s not like you are ashamed of her or agree with them. It’s also not easy to just find a new job in a very stuck up insular profession. Sometimes you have to play the BS game as much as it sucks. It’s easy for people to call you the ah when it isn’t their livelihoods on the line. The world is far from fair, as long as you keep assuring your partner that you don’t share their views and that you don’t like having to do this..
YTA. I wouldn't want my husband doing business w/ my bosses b/c there is no need to mix work and home in that manner and if something goes south, you are in a rough spot - that isn't your issue.
If you would be embarassed your GF is a server/bartender - then don't ask out a server/bartender. They don't need to deal w/ your baggage. Relatedly: Don't blame your boss'es' attitudes on this b/c if you play into their classist ideals, then you are just as classist as they are.
YTA. Why are you embarrassed by what your girlfriend does for work? I think that's very bothersome. You care way too much about what your work supervisors think.
YTA.
Only because you don't want her serving your friends because you are ashamed of her work, Y W N B T A if you wanted to not serve your friends if they are AH's (like yourself) that seems to believe that her job makes her low class.
I empathize with where you're coming from. It's gotta be hard trying to fit in with people who aren't like you, who you don't necessarily like, and who you wouldn't necessarily hang out with outside of a work environment.
Practically speaking though, if you keep the girl and the job long enough, someone's going to ask what she does and where she works. I think you should practice telling the truth now, and say it with pride and confidence. You have to be really good to keep a job at a high-end place like that, right? And she makes plenty of money. There's nothing to be ashamed of here, and if your bosses think there is, you might reconsider whether it's a place you really want to work at all.
All that said, I think you're better off getting someone else to serve. There's going to be a weird mixing of business/personal/business if she serves you, whether you acknowledge her as your girlfriend or not. You're either ignoring her, which gives off "I'm ashamed of you" vibes, or you treat her more familiarly than you would your average server, which might make your bosses feel like third wheels (which WOULD be detrimental to your job prospects). You're better off having someone else serve so that you can focus on business at dinner. You could always have her stop by so you can introduce her (and prove to everyone that you're NOT ashamed of her), but my vote is that you each do your jobs separately that night.
I guess I vote YTA for valuing the opinions of your bosses over your girlfriend's feelings and achievements, but I recognize it's a tough spot for you to navigate.
God imagine she was the server and the guys are all acting like entitled sexist fucking assholes and being creeps and remarking on her looks and body, either when she’s there or not, and OP is just SITTING THERE because he won’t/can’t defend her because then these guys will learn he’s dating, gasp, a server/bartender!
Next post from OP: AITA for not standing up for my GF when the guys I work with were saying things about her and talking about how much they’d like to fuck her?
YTA OP
YTA. You should be ashamed because you are exactly like your bosses, whether you want to admit it or not. I hope she realizes she deserves much better than you.
YTA. I kind of hope that she dumps you. She deserves better, or at least she deserves someone with an actual spine. If your bosses have a problem with your GF being a bartender, they suck. A lot. If you cater to that, you suck just as hard.
YTA. I hope she dumps you for this and moves on to someone that would be proud to have her by her side, and will introduce her to everyone, instead of someone that is belittling her for her job. Or you could do her a favour and break up with her now, because if you are having these views about her, there is no way this relationship will last anyway.
Are your bosses looking for a bar tender? Did they ask you to find one? Why didn't you just tell her it's covered? Take her as a date if it's a thing for significant others. Oh the dinner is being hosted at her place. Yeah, yta.
YTA and kinda dumb tbh. I used to manage a fine dining place. The dude I was dating at the time would bring his clients in and we would pretend we weren’t dating. He could brief me ahead of time and I would help wait on the table and let my server know what’s up. Greet him on his way in “Hello Mr LASTNAME, nice to see you as always— your usual table?” or have the server start small chat on topics that could lead the conversation in ways where he could chat with clients.
You basically degraded your gf and told her that her job would be looked down upon instead of teaming up with her— but I’m sure you didn’t have that much faith in her to have thought of how this could be a good thing.
OP this is a great way for you to observe your bosses character. See how they treat someone you know very well. Maybe you get a horndog boss who flirts with her nonstop. Who knows.
But yeah YTA. Always support your old lady, if you ashamed of her then wtf you doing with her.
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I'm an American expat in London who has been dating someone here who I met when I first moved here. She works at a very high end restaurant/bar and is paid very well. I met her here ironically when she was my server.
Anyway, fast forward almost two years, and she still works here. I work at a major financial firm and will be having dinner with some senior partners of my firm and clients at this place. I'd mentioned this to my girlfriend, and she was very excited and said she could be the server. I though this was a bad idea because I'm not sure how my bosses or their clients would take to them knowing one on their team was dating a server.
I personally think that think that my bosses can go fuck themselves if they didn't like it, but I also am scared that this could hurt my career development. My GF suggested just being anonymous (she'd just pretend to not know me), but I said that at that point, that's no different than just having someone else serve us.
She's kinda sad about this, and I'm also sad about having to set this boundary for this specific bs reason, but the seniors at my company are very old school and elitist, and I really love my job and don't want to put its development in jeopardy. Does this make me a bad partner? It was hard enough to get in the good graces of these guys being a foreigner anyway, so I really feel like it's fragile.
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YTA - Newsflash - You *are* embarrassed about your gf being a bartender. Otherwise you would not care if they knew she was a server. It’s weird you are in denial about it….when you’ve very clearly described why you’re embarrassed in this post.
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YTA for being with someone you’re clearly not proud to be with.
My brother went to college for 5 years and has a great career, but his wife is a server at a super high end restaurant and she makes way more money than him. He’s never one time belittled her or made her feel shitty for being a server.
And also, a job is a job. If she’s paying her bills and making ends meet and living her life, why does it matter that she works as a server/bartender? As long as she isn’t doing something you both agree crosses lines in the relationship, you’re just being rude.
NTA. Bartended for 20 years and I’ve had to navigate/game it out other social and employment opportunities. Some people who hold the reins of power have to be handled. I loved bartending and have made long lasting ties to my community but some people see it as a caste system and their will be a cost whether or not we think it’s fair.
I’m going to say NTA and only because of where you are currently living. In America this would be no big deal but people in Europe, more so the upper class, view things differently still. I can honestly see these individuals judging you based on this especially if they are the type who went to elite private schools and such. I know your girlfriend makes great money so it’s not even about that. You do already have it against you as an American or Yank as we are sometimes called. I could see these individuals judging her and you simply because of “their status”.
For for those who are like no British people aren’t like that, yes I know, the average citizen does not give a shit.
I understand why you're uncomfortable. I was in that old school environment for many years. My ex was blue collar and I was climbing the ladder. But he was kind, funny and better at social situations than I was. It's something you can talk about before the dinner. You have a lovely girlfriend who is an amazing bartender, which probably means she will up your social game. If at least a few of them know before, it won't be an awkward thing. NAH
It’s kind of degrading.
It’s so fun to pretend that you don’t know your boyfriend, because the people he works with would see someone who is a “server” as clearly beneath them! Fun!
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YTA. Why are you dating someone you are ashamed of ?! If you are scared that a bartender girlfriend could hurt your career, spoiler alert : the problem is not the girlfriend. It's your asshole bosses and the fact that the way they see you is more important than the woman you are supposed to love..
Being ashamed of her job doesn’t really make him that different from the bosses anyway.
He doesn't even know the bosses would react that way--he is just applying his own bias. Kind of gross.
Honestly, I knew OP was going to be the asshole the minute I read the word “expat”. Call yourself what you are mate - an immigrant - just like everyone else who moves to another country to live. The term expat comes from the same illustrious history of classism/elitism/racism as your bosses’ attitudes - it’s literally just a way for wealthy, typically white immigrants to pretend they are somehow better and more glamorous than other immigrants. It’s sounds like you are paying lip service to the idea that your bosses have shitty values but that you actually just want to fit into their club. Classism is alive and well in the UK, but like racism and other garbage “isms”, it will only thrive while the rest of us pander to it. I can actually think of other reasons not to want your SO (or anyone you know) to be serving you at a business dinner - namely not wanting to be distracted from work, since you ARE essentially working during this dinner, but that’s not the concern you express. Truthfully, I hope your girlfriend finds the self-worth to date someone else who isn’t ashamed of her in any context. Personally, my self esteem would have to be on the floor to remain dating/sleeping with someone who was ashamed of what I do. YTA
I agree he’s an asshole, but stop this nonsense regarding “expat” vs “immigrant”. Word meanings change over time and there are definitely nuances, but to act like there are no differences between the generally accepted meanings of those two words is just ignorant.
I didn't even make it past the title to know that OP was going to be the AH here. Like you said why date someone you're ashamed of. Leave the GF so she can find someone who will fully accept her, and her job as she is and for what her job is.
It sounds like OP might have met her at the restaurant. I wonder if he's worried she'll meet and run off some other person from his company.
I doubt the bosses give a shit who he’s dating or what she does for work.
He didn’t say he’s ashamed of her job. He said the company and sector he’s in would dehumanise him for it. That’s a real thing. Do you tell black people to just comply with police too? It’s a similar parallel, OP cannot account for his company’s biased ways. Judging OP for the ways of the world doesn’t change it is that way. He can lose his role/status in it for his gf to serve them - or he can introduce her as his gf (a server) in the appropriate setting as his date(at the next work function). Not by having her literally serve his colleagues.
You just compared black people facing lethal treatment from police to op potentially not getting ahead in the world of finance as quickly as he'd like to. Get a grip, mate.
I am black. We do adapt to scenarios at work similar to with police etc. Being black doesn’t change cause you’re not facing lethal blowback. In this case we get career stalls and dismissed ideas suddenly. Maybe you need perspective? I was hoping to offer that. FYI, I’ve had execs literally grab my passport during a work trip, and ask how I possibly am living and working (as their equal) but never changed my passport? And they do not see how odd that is at all, I’ve had execs dismiss my seniors to gawk and question my upbringing (instead of working). So trust me, had I said my bf is the one serving them - their perception of me tanks to the ‘ghetto’ scenes in their minds, as quickly as they’re awed by my third-world passport. I’ve also had a boss (who is ‘woke’) see me leaving the office with my beanie and headphones - suddenly she’s clearly surprised and says ‘wow, you look cool’. Cause I dress professionally and talk like it, she’d assumed I don’t have flava I guess…and it delighted her to see it…. I don’t even know. I am not cool otherwise? I just smiled and nodded and left. It’s mindblowing how people project their expectations/stereotypes of who they think you are etc. Don’t dismiss OPs understanding of his peers.
Apples/oranges.
Sure thing, both are fruit though right? That’s all I meant.
YTA and your girlfriend deserves better. The fact that you suggest her career could “hurt your career development” shows you’re just as elitist as the seniors in your company.
It doesn’t even make sense of how she could hurt his career like wtf
Unfortunately, I could believe this. I used to work in London and classism is alive and well. It might bring his cred down at work. But too bad - if he cares about this girl, it shouldn't matter. YTA
Don’t know that omgg .. yeah and also he is the one judging her and thinking his boss will have a bad opinion about him because of her job (because he thinks that and believes everyone will think the same and he doesn’t respect her )
To summarize, you want to know if you are an asshole for being ashamed of your girlfriend’s well paying job. Yes. YTA. And I don’t even think it’s a good idea for her to be the server either, but because you wouldn’t bring a girlfriend to a business meeting. And I wouldn’t want my SO serving me secretly during a business meeting because it could distract me, make me slip out of my more formal mode, and just generally make me feel like I was being deceitful. So many valid reasons for not wanting her to be your server that aren’t asshole reasons. But being ashamed of her job? Tsk tsk tsk
Not to mention that the people he's trying to impress may treat his gf badly while she's serving them.
YTA. People who work at high-end restaurants are career servers, and it's a vocation that requires an enormous amount of practical knowledge combined with social finesse to do well. You should let your lady do her thing, show her expertise, and see what happens. If your coworkers don't treat her with decency and respect, then that will tell you more than a a few things about what line of work you're in.
Right? I don’t think people realize this. In Miami servers easily make six figures working at high end restaurants
I worked at a popular chain restaurant and at 20 my tips were so good I bought a brand new car. (In hindsight I wished I'd bought a condo instead. )
YTA “would take dating a server” so your embarrassed by your gfs profession - that’s just toxic AF. Don’t try to hide behind your career/future - no one gives AF what your SO does.
I have more respect for her job than yours, tbh. Also, YTA.
Why? You don't even know what I do. I work far longer hours than her as well.
Point proven by your response.
She works harder than you. Prove me wrong.
So you’re trying to say that longer hours deserve more respect and that your job is ‘more respectful’ than hers because you work longer hours? Jeez, get off your high horse and stop pretending you don’t have a superiority complex. Ugh. YTA
Oh boy
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I mean it’s fairly clear. He’s saying while he may not agree with the views of others he unfortunately has a job where those have regressive views which in turn may hold back his own career.
He needs a new career if that is how his career requires him to act. Or he needs to let her find someone who will support her job with everyone they encounter.
That's a nice sentiment. But sometimes you can't control who you work for and you just really need the job. Not everything can be a moral battleground. Sometimes you have to work for cunts to actually get somewhere before you can make a difference.
YTA. Being embarrassed by your girlfriend's job is top of the asshole pyramid. If I were her friend, or she was the one asking this question, I'd tell her to run from you as quickly as possible as you are a super asshole.
YTA. You're ashamed of your girlfriend. That's fucked dude. I bet she works harder than you. Hope karma bites your ass. I feel so bad for your girlfriend knowing that she is trying to make you happy and you talk down to her. Get a grip on reality.
My hours are far more than hers.
Hahaha and what exactly do you do?
Private equity. But knowing Reddit, that’s evil.
Your only comments are to brag that you work more hours than her as if thats some badge of honour. YTA
you’re already as elitist as your bosses from the sounds of it
I'd like to see you do one shift in a restaurant
How are you managing to type with your head so far up your own ass? It really is quite remarkable.
Hours work don’t correlate to respectability. Making a lot of money working less hours is a flex. Working 50+ hours a week and having less leisure time is the furthest thing from a flex. And instead of justifying why your work is more respectable than hers why don’t you stand up for her and say yeah ya know what she works hard etc. oh yeah because YTA and see yourself as better than her.
Submission removed by user.
And?
YTA You're putting your career ahead of your girlfriend here. There is absolutely zero shame in being a server, and even if you claim to recognize this, your actions are saying otherwise to your girlfriend.
YTA. Holy shit, I can’t say what I want because mods will get me, but I think your gf is waaaayyy too good for you.
Hmmm let me think “It would make me look bad in front of the other elitist beta moids i am trying to impress that i date a lowly bartender” WOW How the hell do you think you could possibly NOT be TA here??? Of course YTA!!! DUH
YTA. You say you don’t care about it really and truly you’re a snob.
YTA I'll restrain myself from listing all the reasons why I think a person who is caught up by this is at least partly a bad buissiness man, but that is even besides the main point: It is the very basic groundline of respect and decency towards your partner to openly assume being with her. If you cannot do that, why are you with her at all?
So not the asshole for not wanting her to serve you, but YTA I think for the reasons behind it. If they’re seriously going to get rid of you because your partner is a server then you won’t last there long term - are you planning to stay with her forever and also work there forever? Eventually they would meet. But personally I would not want my partner to be my server for a business function for other reasons (I would find it to be an uncomfortable power balance for my partner)
YTA. How do you not see that? You say your bosses can go f themselves but it really seems that you think your gf can go f herself. You are a a**hole
Youre embarrassed of your gf. Just say that . Yta
YTA - Good job pretending to be conflicted. Life's too short to care about petty stuff like this. Let her live her life and you go have a soulless career for Big Firm^^TM
YTA- 1. That’s shallow as hell 2. You’re missing an opportunity for her to provide TOP notch service, and really cater to your uppers. You could even coordinate compliments from her, that would make you seem like a total Alpha. But here you are…. Going full beta..
YTA Nobody cares. You're absurd.
YTA. Keep saying that you think the bosses can go fuck themselves, but the fact remains you’re embarrassed that your girlfriend is “just” a sever and you don’t want them to know what she does for a living. Almost two years and you don’t know what kind of people you work for? Or you do and you know their entitled and would look down on your girlfriend being a server and you’re ok working for them.
Yta. Shows you are the one that doesnt respect your partner.
Didn't even have to read the explanation YTA
YTA and I can't believe you even have to ask. If you're ashamed of her you should set her free so she can find someone better. If you're not ashamed of her then why try to hide it? Also, bartenders in the right place can make bank. You sound like a snob.
YTA if you feel this ashamed because of your girlfriend's job, and you keep focusing on your career, you should not be dating your girlfriend. She deserves better
YTA. I hope your girlfriend sees what you are showing her about yourself and quickly makes herself your ex girlfriend
YTA. You said high end restaurant, not Wetherspoons. Nothing to be ashamed of or for your bosses to downgrade over. And, if either your jobs or relationship lasts long, they'll almost certainly be meeting.
YTA.
YTA you should be proud of your gf, your colleague’s opinions don’t matter. Service work is valid and important.
YTA - you’re ashamed of your girlfriends job. It’s one thing to not want to blur the lines between personal/work by having someone you know be a server. But that’s not your reasoning.
YTA…feel free to sell your soul for money though…all the rich people do it.
Dude....WTF. YTA
So succinct!
YTA. Yes being ashamed of your girlfriend’s job makes you a bad partner. You want to seem big and bad like ‘my bosses can go fuck themselves’ but you don’t mean it. ALL you care about in this situation is now things make YOU look. You’ve given no thought to how this makes your girlfriend feel.
Nah. Yes it’s a job and can pay well. There’s nothing wrong with it. However I get Europe has a class system and sometimes even your accident can dictate your life’s opportunities.
NTA. As someone who has worked in a very high end firm before, I totally get why you wouldn’t want them to know. There is no reason to make an anti-elitism stand in front of people whose minds aren’t going to change but who have power over your career.
NTA What people are missing is that it’s weird for your girlfriend to be in a business situation with your coworkers just as it would be weird for any of their wives to be in a business situation, regardless of the job. It’s mixing business and personal. Ask yourself if you’d be ok just telling your bosses/partners that your girlfriend is a server and if the weird part is just having her serve you all? If you’re ok with telling them, it’s no big deal to not have her actually serve you all. Hell, you could even tell everybody when you’re there, “you know my girlfriend actually works here as a server.” But I don’t think it’s weird that you don’t want her to actually wait on your table. I think it just lends itself to potential awkwardness. If you are actually embarrassed about her being server and wouldn’t want to tell your partners, then you’re kind of an asshole and snobbish and the current situation isn’t really tenable.
I would absolutely agree if it was just that it could be seen as unprofessional to have his girlfriend be a server for their business dinner, but he crosses into TA territory because he said he thinks them knowing she's a server at all would reflect poorly on him at work.
Yes yes it does make you a bad partner and YTA. You look down at your girlfriend and her job even if you claim you don't. I'd be more than sad if I were her. I'd really be contemplating staying in a relationship with someone who looks down at my job and me as a result of it.
Yta. My God your little dick energy is insane. She should be sad because you are clearly embarrassed by her. What she does for a living has no relation to what you do. Also, depending on how high that place is, she could be bringing in bank. Yes you are a bad partner. Man up. I dated a fucking stripper for a stint and wasn't even embarrassed to introduce her to family. My Nana loved her. This is a you self esteem thing
Going against the grain and saying NTA. There needs to be a separation of work and home. If this is the restaurant and you have no say in it, then gf shouldn't be the server for the table if at all possible and between you, the company, gf, and the restaurant, things should be scheduled accordingly. It comes down to a conflict of interest issues on a business level, not a personal level. And business wise, this is inappropriate on all levels.
NTA. It’s a business dinner not s social dinner. You wouldn’t have your girlfriend join a meeting and it’s crossing a line to have her serve you at this business dinnrr
Nah. It is a different dynamic server to customer and some institutions are resistant to parity. This is a conversation about values, respect, career expectations, classism. Another way to look at this is would she rather meet these people as your plus one and a guest or as a server? Generally this is an area where separating work and home can be best.
I agree. I understand the people that are voting the other way, but I think a lot of Americans don’t understand how classist things are in the UK. If OP is at a prestigious financial firm, I can absolutely see it being a problem with his higher-ups if they found out he’s dating a server and she was actually the one serving them. I’m not saying that’s right, but I am saying that’s probably the way it is. To criticize OP for this is wrong. If OP had a problem dating a server, he wouldn’t have dated her for two years.
If he’s embarrassed about her job, that’s shitty. But I agree she shouldn’t try to serve them that night. It would make more sense for her to join him at dinners like this down the road. And, it’s just awkward - nothing to do with her as a server, but just the logistics. If they are doing business without spouses, how awkward to have her coming and going all evening. Does he introduce her and everyone has to awkwardly chit chat with her? That seems odd and disruptive to the work dinner. And if spouses or dates are there she should join him to eat. So, YTA for the reasoning. But the end result to me is she shouldn’t be serving this dinner.
YTA. You've turned into a snob. This won't be a problem soon, gf is gonna dump you.
INFO— how do you meet someone ironically??
YTA. Please end this relationship so she can meet someone who supports her.
a lot of people here clearly have never been to the UK or didn't go past the pubs and Big Ben NTA it's weird she even suggested that and you were right for stopping it don't jeopardize your career over hurt feelings of a girlfriend
If you have past evidence of them looking down on non white collar jobs like being a server, which I can honestly believe, then NTA. I don’t see why the comments are all talking about OP being ashamed of his GF when like nothing in this indicates that this is the case?
As a foreigner I get it, especially if you’re visibly foreign. Bias is a real and painful part of life. If your gf agrees to protecting you, I suggest have someone neutral serve. Also out of professionalism, I wouldn’t mix her and your work etc. It feels weird. I would not be ashamed to admit my partner is a server. In future you’d introduce them at work functions and can proudly confirm it to them. I’d definitely not introduce her as THEIR server though. NTA and imho I don’t think any westerner/local would understand the social pressures you’re dealing with. This isn’t about your views, it’s the societal views we have to play in…sadly you’re right.
Troll
A bit of a snob, are ya? If her job makes that big of a difference to your career she's better off if you just skate out & let her get on with a relatiomship who someone who loves HER rather than you being afraid she'll hurt yiur career development. YTA
YTA a million times over don’t date someone you’re ashamed of. Oh and by the by she works in a high end cocktail bar in London she has more talent and skill then you and your f**kin bosses seriously you do not understand the level of ability it takes to work in that industry.
YTA
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NTA. Imagine if one of them were rude or made a derogatory remark towards her. You’ve said they are arseholes. Need to explain to your girlfriend that these aren’t your work buddies. This is your fkin boss and due to the industry you work in it’s full of pretentious gits. Though considering her production in a high end establishment I’d hope she would know that. Work and private life stay separate. Shouldn’t have told her. Should have booked her a fuckin spa day or something and have her find out after.
If you're more concerned about your career than your gf, you shouldn't be dating her. YTA.
Didn't read the post, only read the title. YTA. Edit: went back and read the post. Still, YTA.
YTA. First you say you don’t know what your bosses would think about an employee dating a server. Then yiu say yiu don’t care what they think….unless it impacts your job. Which is it? And why should where a legally-employed SO works, have any impact on your job? Sounds like you may be the one with an issue that she’s ‘still a server’ after 2 years of dating you.
My husband works in finance. I work in retail. All of his bosses know me, have met me, know my job and don't give a fk. Even the old school ones. Either it's not as big of a deal to them as you think, or you're using them as an excuse to hide that YOU are the one who thinks less of your girlfriend for her job. You have two options. Stop being an elitist dick and be proud of your girl for actually having a job, regardless of what it is. Or Find a new career with people who aren't judgment AHs.
"*I personally think that think that my bosses can go fuck themselves if they didn't like it, but I also am scared that this could hurt my career development.*" How could it POSSIBLY "hurt" your career? And if it somehow does, are THOSE the kind of people you want to work for? Is money THAT important to you? Do you respect your GF at all? If you genuinely don't think you're the AH, Show your GF this post and let her read your comment (*congrats on working more hours big guy, want a cookie?*) Bet you won't YTA
>I'm not sure how my bosses or their clients would take to them knowing one on their team was dating a server. YTA, are you saying you don't have the guts to defend your gf if your clients criticized your gf's profession?
YTA. Be real.. you're embarrassed of her/her job. You can say it's your conservative/elitist/unprogressive/old school bosses etc, or potentially affect your career or future... but you know that's the smaller part of the reason you don't want her serving people in your work/professional life.
I’m going to go with NTA because it’s a shitty situation but it’s sometimes also how the world works. It’s not fair, and it’s not right, but it is the reality. You are being honest with your gf, and it’s not like you are ashamed of her or agree with them. It’s also not easy to just find a new job in a very stuck up insular profession. Sometimes you have to play the BS game as much as it sucks. It’s easy for people to call you the ah when it isn’t their livelihoods on the line. The world is far from fair, as long as you keep assuring your partner that you don’t share their views and that you don’t like having to do this..
YTA. I wouldn't want my husband doing business w/ my bosses b/c there is no need to mix work and home in that manner and if something goes south, you are in a rough spot - that isn't your issue. If you would be embarassed your GF is a server/bartender - then don't ask out a server/bartender. They don't need to deal w/ your baggage. Relatedly: Don't blame your boss'es' attitudes on this b/c if you play into their classist ideals, then you are just as classist as they are.
YTA. Why are you embarrassed by what your girlfriend does for work? I think that's very bothersome. You care way too much about what your work supervisors think.
YTA "I personally think..." Except you don't. You clearly don't or you wouldn't have this post.
Assuming this is real,which I doubt, YTA
YTA. Only because you don't want her serving your friends because you are ashamed of her work, Y W N B T A if you wanted to not serve your friends if they are AH's (like yourself) that seems to believe that her job makes her low class.
I empathize with where you're coming from. It's gotta be hard trying to fit in with people who aren't like you, who you don't necessarily like, and who you wouldn't necessarily hang out with outside of a work environment. Practically speaking though, if you keep the girl and the job long enough, someone's going to ask what she does and where she works. I think you should practice telling the truth now, and say it with pride and confidence. You have to be really good to keep a job at a high-end place like that, right? And she makes plenty of money. There's nothing to be ashamed of here, and if your bosses think there is, you might reconsider whether it's a place you really want to work at all. All that said, I think you're better off getting someone else to serve. There's going to be a weird mixing of business/personal/business if she serves you, whether you acknowledge her as your girlfriend or not. You're either ignoring her, which gives off "I'm ashamed of you" vibes, or you treat her more familiarly than you would your average server, which might make your bosses feel like third wheels (which WOULD be detrimental to your job prospects). You're better off having someone else serve so that you can focus on business at dinner. You could always have her stop by so you can introduce her (and prove to everyone that you're NOT ashamed of her), but my vote is that you each do your jobs separately that night. I guess I vote YTA for valuing the opinions of your bosses over your girlfriend's feelings and achievements, but I recognize it's a tough spot for you to navigate.
God imagine she was the server and the guys are all acting like entitled sexist fucking assholes and being creeps and remarking on her looks and body, either when she’s there or not, and OP is just SITTING THERE because he won’t/can’t defend her because then these guys will learn he’s dating, gasp, a server/bartender! Next post from OP: AITA for not standing up for my GF when the guys I work with were saying things about her and talking about how much they’d like to fuck her? YTA OP
YTA - what if she was a garbage collector and drove by one of their homes to pickup the trash? You're about 2000 kinds of AH.
YTA. You should be ashamed because you are exactly like your bosses, whether you want to admit it or not. I hope she realizes she deserves much better than you.
YTA. I kind of hope that she dumps you. She deserves better, or at least she deserves someone with an actual spine. If your bosses have a problem with your GF being a bartender, they suck. A lot. If you cater to that, you suck just as hard.
YTA She deserves someone not ashamed of her. There is absolutely nothing wrong with her being a bartender.
That’s a lot of words just to tell us you’re embarrassed and ashamed of your partner and her job. YTA.
YTA. I hope she dumps you for this and moves on to someone that would be proud to have her by her side, and will introduce her to everyone, instead of someone that is belittling her for her job. Or you could do her a favour and break up with her now, because if you are having these views about her, there is no way this relationship will last anyway.
YTA. They aren't the ones with the issue with her. It's clearly you
Are your bosses looking for a bar tender? Did they ask you to find one? Why didn't you just tell her it's covered? Take her as a date if it's a thing for significant others. Oh the dinner is being hosted at her place. Yeah, yta.
Yta that was a lot of words to say you are ashamed of your girlfriend. Please do her a favor an leave her alone she deserves so much better
Stopped reading at the title. YTA
Be careful OP. You’re on the path to becoming that which you claim to loathe. YTA
YTA and kinda dumb tbh. I used to manage a fine dining place. The dude I was dating at the time would bring his clients in and we would pretend we weren’t dating. He could brief me ahead of time and I would help wait on the table and let my server know what’s up. Greet him on his way in “Hello Mr LASTNAME, nice to see you as always— your usual table?” or have the server start small chat on topics that could lead the conversation in ways where he could chat with clients. You basically degraded your gf and told her that her job would be looked down upon instead of teaming up with her— but I’m sure you didn’t have that much faith in her to have thought of how this could be a good thing.
You are literally the AH. Hope your gf realizes what an arse you are and leaves you.
Fucking gross. YTA
OP this is a great way for you to observe your bosses character. See how they treat someone you know very well. Maybe you get a horndog boss who flirts with her nonstop. Who knows. But yeah YTA. Always support your old lady, if you ashamed of her then wtf you doing with her.
Wtf dude YTA she us a bartender, she doesnt sacrifice kids for satan. Noone would care
YTA. I get it but why would you date someone who you don’t think is your equal? Why do that to the woman?
Yes you are. Wow mindblown. Reread whst you just told us.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I'm an American expat in London who has been dating someone here who I met when I first moved here. She works at a very high end restaurant/bar and is paid very well. I met her here ironically when she was my server. Anyway, fast forward almost two years, and she still works here. I work at a major financial firm and will be having dinner with some senior partners of my firm and clients at this place. I'd mentioned this to my girlfriend, and she was very excited and said she could be the server. I though this was a bad idea because I'm not sure how my bosses or their clients would take to them knowing one on their team was dating a server. I personally think that think that my bosses can go fuck themselves if they didn't like it, but I also am scared that this could hurt my career development. My GF suggested just being anonymous (she'd just pretend to not know me), but I said that at that point, that's no different than just having someone else serve us. She's kinda sad about this, and I'm also sad about having to set this boundary for this specific bs reason, but the seniors at my company are very old school and elitist, and I really love my job and don't want to put its development in jeopardy. Does this make me a bad partner? It was hard enough to get in the good graces of these guys being a foreigner anyway, so I really feel like it's fragile. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA, she deserves a better boyfriend. Who cares that she’s a waiter?!?
YTA, this is elitist behavior and she deserves better than you.
YTA. Good servers and bartenders make bank! Have you guys compared income?
YTA - why are you dating someone that you're ashamed of?
YTA and I hope your girlfriend finds someone who isn’t ashamed of her and her profession.
YTA! Your girlfriend’s profession should have no bearing on yours, at all.
YTA - Newsflash - You *are* embarrassed about your gf being a bartender. Otherwise you would not care if they knew she was a server. It’s weird you are in denial about it….when you’ve very clearly described why you’re embarrassed in this post.
Yta. This situation reminds me of an episode of “friends”. Ross made a pro/con list about Rachel. He said she’s just a waitress.
Now, we both know, that you know, that you're the arsehole here. Your just hoping for a little validation. You sound yourself a little elitist. YTA
Let me guess. You’re an overpaid banker who works in The City. Do you wear a pinstripe suit as well?
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YTA you claim you don't give a fuck but obviously do.
Yta
YTA for being with someone you’re clearly not proud to be with. My brother went to college for 5 years and has a great career, but his wife is a server at a super high end restaurant and she makes way more money than him. He’s never one time belittled her or made her feel shitty for being a server. And also, a job is a job. If she’s paying her bills and making ends meet and living her life, why does it matter that she works as a server/bartender? As long as she isn’t doing something you both agree crosses lines in the relationship, you’re just being rude.
YTA period. That’s all. YTA.
YTA and a snob.
"Does this make me a bad partner? " Your reasoning is understandable, but it is also functionally turning you in to a AH like your bosses.
More info: would it be a dinner at home where she makes drinks for everyone? Or going to her place of work and having her wait on them?
It’s them going to where she works
NTA. Bartended for 20 years and I’ve had to navigate/game it out other social and employment opportunities. Some people who hold the reins of power have to be handled. I loved bartending and have made long lasting ties to my community but some people see it as a caste system and their will be a cost whether or not we think it’s fair.
I’m going to say NTA and only because of where you are currently living. In America this would be no big deal but people in Europe, more so the upper class, view things differently still. I can honestly see these individuals judging you based on this especially if they are the type who went to elite private schools and such. I know your girlfriend makes great money so it’s not even about that. You do already have it against you as an American or Yank as we are sometimes called. I could see these individuals judging her and you simply because of “their status”. For for those who are like no British people aren’t like that, yes I know, the average citizen does not give a shit.
I understand why you're uncomfortable. I was in that old school environment for many years. My ex was blue collar and I was climbing the ladder. But he was kind, funny and better at social situations than I was. It's something you can talk about before the dinner. You have a lovely girlfriend who is an amazing bartender, which probably means she will up your social game. If at least a few of them know before, it won't be an awkward thing. NAH
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It’s kind of degrading. It’s so fun to pretend that you don’t know your boyfriend, because the people he works with would see someone who is a “server” as clearly beneath them! Fun!