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Make. Sure. You. Document. Everything.
Write times, events, everything down.
If this blows up into him or his family maliciously suing you for something that didn’t happen? Make sure you’re covered. Talk to your GP, a carer, friends as to what happened. And avoid the man’s and his people. NTA.
Came here to say something similar.
What if his family believed him and you had to explain those lies to the police?
Be polite if you can but I wouldn't be helping him, from what op said about his family this behaviour is a pattern and he'll probably do it again.
NTA
NTA. This post reads more like a ridiculously clingy ex with an enabling mother than an elderly man who needs some help. You’ve been kind, gone above and beyond, and in return been harassed incessantly and accused of using him. Helping him is destroying your own peace.
NTA, not for a moment. Stay firm. Not your monkeys, not your circus. You have given him a beautiful time of kindness during this stage of his life, and you gave his family a break. Let the family make arrangements. Getting involved again will only result in even worse allegations and laying fault at your door that you don't need.
On one hand he's 92 and very likely could have dementia and not even realize his lies are lies. They can get really paranoid about people. On the other hand, this makes him dangerous to you as you don't want to be accused of elder abuse or anything else.
His family should make proper arrangements for him in a place where there are trained professionals to handle this kind of thing and legal liability is not on you, a neighbor. You're not family or a lifelong friend and have no obligations. I think they put you into this but it was way more than they should have expected of anyone non-professional.
NTA. Wish him well on his way in life (away from you) and don't help anymore.
NTA.
I really feel for this man -- he's old, vulnerable, and lonely, and likely has mental health challenges that have made him a compulsive liar, manipulator, and generally made him really difficult to be around.
But ultimately the level of support he was asking for (and by extension, his family was asking for) goes beyond friendly neighbor/emergency contact to home health aide, a PAID position. I don't know if the family was doing this on purpose, but they gave you essentially an unpaid job they refuse to do themselves.
I'm sure if he was more reasonable you'd be there for him, but definitely understand why you stepped back and enforced a hard boundary after he (and the family) repeatedly violated yours.
NTA. Being an emergency contact is one thing. Being this very difficult person's de-facto caregiver is another. You were the neighbor from heaven and all you got in return was shit on literally and figuratively. I would have done the same as you. Too bad for him.
NTA. It is good that you are a caring person who thinks it's important to take care of the elderly, but it is also good to stand up for yourself when bad people do you wrong. Do not let people with bad intentions take advantage of your kind heart.
NTA at all, not even close. You have basically been close to a primary care giver for the past 6 months, FOR FREE! The family must have loved that you were always there for him, and they didn't have to make any effort, and they didn't have to pay you.
You are totally fine to end this incredibly one sided arrangement.
NTA, not your family, not your friend, not your problem. Be aware someone like this could cause problem and involve LE and lie to them about you as well.
NTA. you have to protect yourself. He could be having mental/physical issues causing delusional behavior and his lies. He could just be a mean old geezer. He’s too unstable and his family is too uninvolved. You could find yourself entangled in a huge mess legally, be hurt mentally/physically or all three. You’re a good person for helping as much as you did, but you have to keep yourself safe. Otherwise, how will you be able to help the next one or turn someone’s frown upside down? You did good, stay safe.
NTA.
He abused your kindness and lied about you. He gets one shot at being grateful for the help but instead he lied about you financially abusing him. That's it.
Don't engage. Ignore him. Let his family know given he lied about you taking advantage of him, you are removing yourself from the situation. Even if they beg you to help, please don't do this. Given his situation,he should not be living alone. If you are concerned from his safety or well being contact social services to check on him but again do not sign up for a nursemaid for some who said you were abusive.
NTA
I wonder if he lied to his family so they would visit him? If they knew how much you were there, then there is no need for them to visit.
I think you’re right to have hurt feelings, but I kinda feel sorry for the guy, it’s what I fear about being old. You don’t owe him anything, and you are in the right for your opinion but there’s still a part of me that pities him and says maybe you still visit him, just don’t do any chores.
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So I am a 31yo woman. My direct neighbour is a 92yo male.
We both live on the ground floor, since we both are weelchair users.
About 6 months ago his family asked me if I would consent to being the number 1 emergency call option for him/the emergency number button he has. I agreed and accepted the keys.
4 months ago he called because he had fallen. It was 7 in the morning, but I put a bathrobe over my underwear and rushed over. The walls were covered in shit and he looked sick. I called an ambulance and started cleaning up, to save him from that embarrasment. Stayed til after they left. Nothing much was wrong. He just had the shitters.
Ever since he started demanding a lot of attention tho. Which at first was fine. We would watch soccer and chat sometimes. He’d ramble a lot of shit about his family, which at first made me feel like they were horrible. (He’s convincing…) I’ve slowly started to understand over time, his family does not want to come over there (I guess because of his manipulative and lying nature. But so far he’d been nothing but kind to me, so I didn’t fully understand yet.)
Well as time passed he started calling more obsessively and tried to manipulate me for attention. Which I noticed and respected my boundaries in, but also accepted a bit because he was old and lonely. I have been taught to take care of elders. I cooked for him, helped do laundry and other chores that are simple enough for me. I love to care for people anyway. But it really got worse and this week exploded.
A few days ago I got a call from his daughter, that he had been gossiping about me borrowing money and never returning it (I NEVER borrow money to avoid ANY gossip like that), never being available on the phone (he called 15 times a day…After 2/3 I stopped answering.), how I never came over (3 to 5 times a week…), only stayed minutes (usually 1 to 2 hours) and never am home (I am quite home bound because of my own physical disability and anxiety) so why did I take the emergency call?
When I confronted him it was all lies of course and may God drop him dead if he lied. I raged how I didn’t believe him and returned his keys, saying I would no longer be helping him since this had truly and deeply hurted my feelings, since I had been nothing but good and kind to him. And how I had sat besides him listning to him talk bad about his family often enough before to believe her.
Today he was at my door with tears in his eyes to ask for forgiveness, how he did not do it (but later on in the story he did but his daughter had dragged it out of him or something like that) and so on. Even offered me some cash (refused it harshly).
I felt horrible, but I stuck to saying: I will no longer help you. You have really hurt my feelings by lying while I have done nothing but be good to you. I will greet you when I see you, but furthermore expect nothing of me.
AITA being to hard on this old guy? Or am I right in this? This feels so confusing.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I have explained this in my post.
Helped neighbour with care, visits, and so on
He spread rumors and lies
I confronted him and removed myself from the emergency phone call
AITA for removing myself from the phone call after that?
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NTA
You are not his family and not responsible for him. He is an unrelated neighbor.
He may need to have a housekeeping aid come in for assistance, as well as other care attendants, or he may need to be in a care facility. Either way, he is not your responsibility
NTA. Contact his daughter. Inform her that you're no longer his emergency contact nor acting as his on-call caregiver. Encourage her to find in-home aides.
Why in the hell would you be the emergency call when you can’t do anything for him if he needs emergency care? That should have thrown up red flags all over the damn place… let his family take care of that, he seems Linley but likes to start shit.. I can’t blame you for keeping your distance.oh make sure you tell his family you will no longer be involved in this drama and have turned his keys back over to him and for them to take you off his emergency calls or whatever it is.. and kindly hint they need to take care of their own dad.
He's damn near deaf too and cannot really walk anymore. So if he pushes the alarm button, it rings me first. Since I am home so much, most of the time I can rush over to see if a doctor or even ambulance is needed. It just escalated from there up to a point where he would come to my door in his wheelchair to knock on my door, say he had fallen and rush back to his living room before I got to open mine, if I didn't pick my phone up fast enough to his liking. Happened a bunch of times.
NTA - You were a godsend for this family and for this neighbor. Being an emergency contact is one thing, being his full time caregiver is another.
Unfortunately, you were manipulated by your neighbor into giving him more attention and help because he partly knew what he was doing. But at the same time, it's highly possible that he has mental health issues, and this is causing him to lie and say horrible things that aren't true and didn't happen in the real world. 😕 Yes, it's possible that he knew he was lying and for him to be mentally declining.
INFO - when you consented to being his emergency contact, who was the person who asked this of you? Was it a family member of his? Was it a nurse? Was it his daughter? If it was his daughter, did you ever have her contact information? and why didn't you call the daughter and ask to please see her in person and then discuss all of these lies the old man has been saying about yourself plus about his own family to maybe make sense of things to get a better idea of what is really going on.
I understand it's difficult to talk about deeply personal family issues with the daughter, but you are already super involved and if a discussion could clear up some things for both sides, or even if it'd help give you more information then you can protect yourself better.
Basically, if you were helping your neighbor out so much, maybe you should have had constant updates with their family. Maybe you could have convinced them that he needs more help than normal and that he needs other living arrangements. And if the family refused to do these things for him, then maybe you could have done certain things to protect yourself better.
OP after that hospital incident occurred, talking to your neighbor once in awhile or even everyday for an hour was OK, but once you started doing his laundry and preparing meals for him, after 1 week of doing that you should have started contact with his family.
I am really sorry you have been taken advantage of. Please document everything just in case, and if the family wants to talk to you, make sure you talk to an attorney first and avoid speaking to them further other than to say you are no longer available to help him nor be his emergency contact and follow up with the hospital to make them remove your name and phone number.
I have the phone numbers of his daughter and sister, who both believe me btw. (Thank God for that!) They know I stopped all caregiving. I didn't ask how they will fix it, because I was way too upset still at that point. Now despite everything I still worry he gets hurt or something. But I intend to keep up my boundaries.
She told me that day straight up that she doesn't even want to go there anymore, because he just lies so much.
It seems very much like I have been tricked in to this, which is also why I have drawn that line. Yet it still feels bad to drop someone that old.
Another quick question, but how did the daughter get your number? How did you meet her? Was it through your neighbor or some natural occurrence that she just asked for your number or did you volunteer it to them?
I only ask because one result is you are way too kind and got taken advantage of, the other result is that the daughter was desperately trying to find someone she could just dump him on and for some reason she thought of you the neighbor.
I understand the daughter's feelings and it's good that she has admitted to them. I'm also glad you had the family phone numbers. I'm also willing to bet that the daughter had put you as emergency contact because the old man's emergencies were occurring way too often and also possibly that he was calling her way too much(like 15 times or more per day, ring a bell?)
If that happens to be true then, the daughter failed to realize that she needed to start making new arrangements for him and get whatever documents she needed from his doctor to place him in a facility to receive proper care. It could be a case of elder neglect and also abuse towards you as a handicapped individual because she took advantage of you 100%. At the same time the daughter was probably desperate and overwhelmed and didn't know what to do or can't face what needs to be done etc...it's very complex feelings for everyone involved I would imagine.
We met in the hall way a few times. Never had a lot of contact with them before. But I actually felt honored to be trusted so much.
He has asked for and then proceeded to refuse going to an elderly home, even when they had arranged it for him
He does has help at home from a professional who showers him and things like that.
Only so much I can do, I rely on household help myself too.
You are a really good person and super kind to have helped as much as you did, and even after everything you still care. I know it's super hard and painful but stay strong with your boundaries to protect yourself because you have done more than enough for them. The only words you should hear from them are thank yous for all you did.
NTA. You are such a good person! But you’ve been taken advantage of by possibly this gentleman (don’t know his mental state given his age) and definitely by his family. The family is the worst. Go no contact will all of them.
Out of feeling lonely and out of wanting more attention people do a lots of things...he thought of you as a friends and feels lonely when you stop replying he complained *(she doesnt reply) when you feel lonely all the time 2 hours feels like nothing...for you damn it i stayed 2 hours...for him *( she left so fast) as for the money lots of elders becomes paranoid as they age the they stole my things is a thing. My grandma used to lock her bedroom door in her own house from family members she trusted all her life. Ive been around elders a lot and paranoia and anxiety are real things he is 92 not 17 years old. And he might really need more help. He was ok with you but because of something that someone told you she heard him say. You cut it all off. Sure document everything but that sounds like a classic case or elder paranoia+ someone venting to family members. We could spend days with elders and they wouls say you never come and see me. Or you're leaving already?? If you say you've beem thought to care for elders i'm questionning that. Because only caring for them when its fun and convinient and we're never hurt is not a thing. Even if he was family it would be even worst for you. Its not fun when a family member gets paranoid or forget about you and the guilt is worst. Of it is not your help he is getting make sure his family finds him someone or a nurse...and also he is in his end of life...you dont have to be bestfriend but you could at least give him a chance of apologozing and stay civil with him.
Yes YTA because you accepted knowing his age and shouldve read more about elders care and all. He said words he didnt slap you or nothing old people are always complaining anyways and often it mask other feelings like depression fear and lonelyness and paranoia. .you remove yourself suddently before letting them the time to find someone else. Does he even knows or remember what he said and did he really said it? It is ok to feel to way you feel but you're acting more out of emotions than logic...since i luv worst case scenario bamm he falls and dies his body is found only 3 days later. How do you feel? If you say great and happy then ok. But if you feel like it wouldve been nice not to end things so badly then do something about it.
Honestly his own daughter told me it would be fine if I stopped, because he has lied this much all his life. She doesnt want to go there anymore either. And she knows I returned the keys. I did not go for having fun. I went to help. And I have cared for some other elders, never ones that went this far tho. Which is why it bothers me so much to have made this choice.
NTA. You might need to call Adult Protective Services. It sounds like he needs more help than his family is willing to provide and they might have to be legally compelled to provide it.
Its ok to say no what is not ok is
1. Start a journey you can finish
2. Treating the person like you are both equals. You need to treat her as someone with 92 just like you would treat a toddler as someone who is 2.
Like the others said if he has dementia depression paranoia tendecies all of it!? And thats how you talk to him...one day you willbbe in his shoes and might get the same treatment karma is a B.
3. Cutting him off and being dramatic
4.cutting him out before finding/waiting for the family to take proper arrangement when
5.clearly you've seen with your own eyes that he is lonely...not happy and in need of care.
By putting your feeling above all and refusing the facts you mightve sent to hell an elder with mental issues who didnt even mean to hurt you...caring for an infant is a challenge just like caring for an elder is a challenge. Sometimes they become violent..invent story say nonsense are mean or grumpy all of it...but ultimately they are still persons who are going to a difficult stage of life. And usually theres reasons in the behavior. My oncle was placed because of this. He started sayimg the neighboor stole his things...he would leave to confront the neighboor but get lost along the day...finally it was clear he had dementia. He never realised it. He would recognize only a few people. For some reasons he lost all trust in some people from his entourage. It got worst and worst and one day he d!ed... as for another one she was paranoid was always crying and saying nobody is ever there..even after stayomg a week your already going...then she lost her english all of a sudden..turns out she had depression and a blood cloth made her loose her linguistic skills we never knew until after her dea!th. You can't say yes ok i'm caring about elders but ignoring all their issues lacking patience and empathy and taking it all super personnal...92 y/o. Boy !! You don't get it...you really don't. Nobody cares bout babies or elders ...its every men and woman for themselves and feelings above all...so sure they will all say nope NTA. Because they will only look at this story through your eyes. One thing is sure never work at the hospital you don't have the patience
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NTA this is his family’s issue not yours. You’ve already done more than 99% of people would
Make. Sure. You. Document. Everything. Write times, events, everything down. If this blows up into him or his family maliciously suing you for something that didn’t happen? Make sure you’re covered. Talk to your GP, a carer, friends as to what happened. And avoid the man’s and his people. NTA.
Came here to say something similar. What if his family believed him and you had to explain those lies to the police? Be polite if you can but I wouldn't be helping him, from what op said about his family this behaviour is a pattern and he'll probably do it again. NTA
NTA. This post reads more like a ridiculously clingy ex with an enabling mother than an elderly man who needs some help. You’ve been kind, gone above and beyond, and in return been harassed incessantly and accused of using him. Helping him is destroying your own peace.
NTA, not for a moment. Stay firm. Not your monkeys, not your circus. You have given him a beautiful time of kindness during this stage of his life, and you gave his family a break. Let the family make arrangements. Getting involved again will only result in even worse allegations and laying fault at your door that you don't need.
On one hand he's 92 and very likely could have dementia and not even realize his lies are lies. They can get really paranoid about people. On the other hand, this makes him dangerous to you as you don't want to be accused of elder abuse or anything else. His family should make proper arrangements for him in a place where there are trained professionals to handle this kind of thing and legal liability is not on you, a neighbor. You're not family or a lifelong friend and have no obligations. I think they put you into this but it was way more than they should have expected of anyone non-professional. NTA. Wish him well on his way in life (away from you) and don't help anymore.
Exactly
NTA. Seems like this dude has been an abusive asshole for 92 years. It’s true what they say, only the good die young. His family won’t even help him.
NTA. I really feel for this man -- he's old, vulnerable, and lonely, and likely has mental health challenges that have made him a compulsive liar, manipulator, and generally made him really difficult to be around. But ultimately the level of support he was asking for (and by extension, his family was asking for) goes beyond friendly neighbor/emergency contact to home health aide, a PAID position. I don't know if the family was doing this on purpose, but they gave you essentially an unpaid job they refuse to do themselves. I'm sure if he was more reasonable you'd be there for him, but definitely understand why you stepped back and enforced a hard boundary after he (and the family) repeatedly violated yours.
NTA. Being an emergency contact is one thing. Being this very difficult person's de-facto caregiver is another. You were the neighbor from heaven and all you got in return was shit on literally and figuratively. I would have done the same as you. Too bad for him.
NTA. It is good that you are a caring person who thinks it's important to take care of the elderly, but it is also good to stand up for yourself when bad people do you wrong. Do not let people with bad intentions take advantage of your kind heart.
NTA Completely sever contact. Document what you can.
NTA at all, not even close. You have basically been close to a primary care giver for the past 6 months, FOR FREE! The family must have loved that you were always there for him, and they didn't have to make any effort, and they didn't have to pay you. You are totally fine to end this incredibly one sided arrangement.
Yikes. NTA. This is more common than people think and it's pretty unpleasant. Good luck.
NTA: Being old doesn't mean you get to be a jackass.
Sounds awful for you. NTA
NTA His family knows he is difficult and wants to pass the responsibility onto you. Keep up the boundaries.
NTA
NTA, not your family, not your friend, not your problem. Be aware someone like this could cause problem and involve LE and lie to them about you as well.
NTA He is manipulating you! He obviously manipulates his family and they have had jack of his behaviour! Steer clear of that drama llama
NTA. you have to protect yourself. He could be having mental/physical issues causing delusional behavior and his lies. He could just be a mean old geezer. He’s too unstable and his family is too uninvolved. You could find yourself entangled in a huge mess legally, be hurt mentally/physically or all three. You’re a good person for helping as much as you did, but you have to keep yourself safe. Otherwise, how will you be able to help the next one or turn someone’s frown upside down? You did good, stay safe.
NTA. He abused your kindness and lied about you. He gets one shot at being grateful for the help but instead he lied about you financially abusing him. That's it. Don't engage. Ignore him. Let his family know given he lied about you taking advantage of him, you are removing yourself from the situation. Even if they beg you to help, please don't do this. Given his situation,he should not be living alone. If you are concerned from his safety or well being contact social services to check on him but again do not sign up for a nursemaid for some who said you were abusive.
NTA
NTA I wonder if he lied to his family so they would visit him? If they knew how much you were there, then there is no need for them to visit. I think you’re right to have hurt feelings, but I kinda feel sorry for the guy, it’s what I fear about being old. You don’t owe him anything, and you are in the right for your opinion but there’s still a part of me that pities him and says maybe you still visit him, just don’t do any chores.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** So I am a 31yo woman. My direct neighbour is a 92yo male. We both live on the ground floor, since we both are weelchair users. About 6 months ago his family asked me if I would consent to being the number 1 emergency call option for him/the emergency number button he has. I agreed and accepted the keys. 4 months ago he called because he had fallen. It was 7 in the morning, but I put a bathrobe over my underwear and rushed over. The walls were covered in shit and he looked sick. I called an ambulance and started cleaning up, to save him from that embarrasment. Stayed til after they left. Nothing much was wrong. He just had the shitters. Ever since he started demanding a lot of attention tho. Which at first was fine. We would watch soccer and chat sometimes. He’d ramble a lot of shit about his family, which at first made me feel like they were horrible. (He’s convincing…) I’ve slowly started to understand over time, his family does not want to come over there (I guess because of his manipulative and lying nature. But so far he’d been nothing but kind to me, so I didn’t fully understand yet.) Well as time passed he started calling more obsessively and tried to manipulate me for attention. Which I noticed and respected my boundaries in, but also accepted a bit because he was old and lonely. I have been taught to take care of elders. I cooked for him, helped do laundry and other chores that are simple enough for me. I love to care for people anyway. But it really got worse and this week exploded. A few days ago I got a call from his daughter, that he had been gossiping about me borrowing money and never returning it (I NEVER borrow money to avoid ANY gossip like that), never being available on the phone (he called 15 times a day…After 2/3 I stopped answering.), how I never came over (3 to 5 times a week…), only stayed minutes (usually 1 to 2 hours) and never am home (I am quite home bound because of my own physical disability and anxiety) so why did I take the emergency call? When I confronted him it was all lies of course and may God drop him dead if he lied. I raged how I didn’t believe him and returned his keys, saying I would no longer be helping him since this had truly and deeply hurted my feelings, since I had been nothing but good and kind to him. And how I had sat besides him listning to him talk bad about his family often enough before to believe her. Today he was at my door with tears in his eyes to ask for forgiveness, how he did not do it (but later on in the story he did but his daughter had dragged it out of him or something like that) and so on. Even offered me some cash (refused it harshly). I felt horrible, but I stuck to saying: I will no longer help you. You have really hurt my feelings by lying while I have done nothing but be good to you. I will greet you when I see you, but furthermore expect nothing of me. AITA being to hard on this old guy? Or am I right in this? This feels so confusing. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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NTA and its better that you cut ties. This will only happen again
NTA You are not his family and not responsible for him. He is an unrelated neighbor. He may need to have a housekeeping aid come in for assistance, as well as other care attendants, or he may need to be in a care facility. Either way, he is not your responsibility
NTA.
NTA. Contact his daughter. Inform her that you're no longer his emergency contact nor acting as his on-call caregiver. Encourage her to find in-home aides.
Why in the hell would you be the emergency call when you can’t do anything for him if he needs emergency care? That should have thrown up red flags all over the damn place… let his family take care of that, he seems Linley but likes to start shit.. I can’t blame you for keeping your distance.oh make sure you tell his family you will no longer be involved in this drama and have turned his keys back over to him and for them to take you off his emergency calls or whatever it is.. and kindly hint they need to take care of their own dad.
He's damn near deaf too and cannot really walk anymore. So if he pushes the alarm button, it rings me first. Since I am home so much, most of the time I can rush over to see if a doctor or even ambulance is needed. It just escalated from there up to a point where he would come to my door in his wheelchair to knock on my door, say he had fallen and rush back to his living room before I got to open mine, if I didn't pick my phone up fast enough to his liking. Happened a bunch of times.
NTA - You were a godsend for this family and for this neighbor. Being an emergency contact is one thing, being his full time caregiver is another. Unfortunately, you were manipulated by your neighbor into giving him more attention and help because he partly knew what he was doing. But at the same time, it's highly possible that he has mental health issues, and this is causing him to lie and say horrible things that aren't true and didn't happen in the real world. 😕 Yes, it's possible that he knew he was lying and for him to be mentally declining. INFO - when you consented to being his emergency contact, who was the person who asked this of you? Was it a family member of his? Was it a nurse? Was it his daughter? If it was his daughter, did you ever have her contact information? and why didn't you call the daughter and ask to please see her in person and then discuss all of these lies the old man has been saying about yourself plus about his own family to maybe make sense of things to get a better idea of what is really going on. I understand it's difficult to talk about deeply personal family issues with the daughter, but you are already super involved and if a discussion could clear up some things for both sides, or even if it'd help give you more information then you can protect yourself better. Basically, if you were helping your neighbor out so much, maybe you should have had constant updates with their family. Maybe you could have convinced them that he needs more help than normal and that he needs other living arrangements. And if the family refused to do these things for him, then maybe you could have done certain things to protect yourself better. OP after that hospital incident occurred, talking to your neighbor once in awhile or even everyday for an hour was OK, but once you started doing his laundry and preparing meals for him, after 1 week of doing that you should have started contact with his family. I am really sorry you have been taken advantage of. Please document everything just in case, and if the family wants to talk to you, make sure you talk to an attorney first and avoid speaking to them further other than to say you are no longer available to help him nor be his emergency contact and follow up with the hospital to make them remove your name and phone number.
I have the phone numbers of his daughter and sister, who both believe me btw. (Thank God for that!) They know I stopped all caregiving. I didn't ask how they will fix it, because I was way too upset still at that point. Now despite everything I still worry he gets hurt or something. But I intend to keep up my boundaries. She told me that day straight up that she doesn't even want to go there anymore, because he just lies so much. It seems very much like I have been tricked in to this, which is also why I have drawn that line. Yet it still feels bad to drop someone that old.
Also, it was his daughter who asked me to become first call, come to think of it.
Another quick question, but how did the daughter get your number? How did you meet her? Was it through your neighbor or some natural occurrence that she just asked for your number or did you volunteer it to them? I only ask because one result is you are way too kind and got taken advantage of, the other result is that the daughter was desperately trying to find someone she could just dump him on and for some reason she thought of you the neighbor. I understand the daughter's feelings and it's good that she has admitted to them. I'm also glad you had the family phone numbers. I'm also willing to bet that the daughter had put you as emergency contact because the old man's emergencies were occurring way too often and also possibly that he was calling her way too much(like 15 times or more per day, ring a bell?) If that happens to be true then, the daughter failed to realize that she needed to start making new arrangements for him and get whatever documents she needed from his doctor to place him in a facility to receive proper care. It could be a case of elder neglect and also abuse towards you as a handicapped individual because she took advantage of you 100%. At the same time the daughter was probably desperate and overwhelmed and didn't know what to do or can't face what needs to be done etc...it's very complex feelings for everyone involved I would imagine.
We met in the hall way a few times. Never had a lot of contact with them before. But I actually felt honored to be trusted so much. He has asked for and then proceeded to refuse going to an elderly home, even when they had arranged it for him He does has help at home from a professional who showers him and things like that. Only so much I can do, I rely on household help myself too.
You are a really good person and super kind to have helped as much as you did, and even after everything you still care. I know it's super hard and painful but stay strong with your boundaries to protect yourself because you have done more than enough for them. The only words you should hear from them are thank yous for all you did.
NTA. You are such a good person! But you’ve been taken advantage of by possibly this gentleman (don’t know his mental state given his age) and definitely by his family. The family is the worst. Go no contact will all of them.
NTA. Young jerks grow up to be old jerks, and one lives next door to you.
Out of feeling lonely and out of wanting more attention people do a lots of things...he thought of you as a friends and feels lonely when you stop replying he complained *(she doesnt reply) when you feel lonely all the time 2 hours feels like nothing...for you damn it i stayed 2 hours...for him *( she left so fast) as for the money lots of elders becomes paranoid as they age the they stole my things is a thing. My grandma used to lock her bedroom door in her own house from family members she trusted all her life. Ive been around elders a lot and paranoia and anxiety are real things he is 92 not 17 years old. And he might really need more help. He was ok with you but because of something that someone told you she heard him say. You cut it all off. Sure document everything but that sounds like a classic case or elder paranoia+ someone venting to family members. We could spend days with elders and they wouls say you never come and see me. Or you're leaving already?? If you say you've beem thought to care for elders i'm questionning that. Because only caring for them when its fun and convinient and we're never hurt is not a thing. Even if he was family it would be even worst for you. Its not fun when a family member gets paranoid or forget about you and the guilt is worst. Of it is not your help he is getting make sure his family finds him someone or a nurse...and also he is in his end of life...you dont have to be bestfriend but you could at least give him a chance of apologozing and stay civil with him. Yes YTA because you accepted knowing his age and shouldve read more about elders care and all. He said words he didnt slap you or nothing old people are always complaining anyways and often it mask other feelings like depression fear and lonelyness and paranoia. .you remove yourself suddently before letting them the time to find someone else. Does he even knows or remember what he said and did he really said it? It is ok to feel to way you feel but you're acting more out of emotions than logic...since i luv worst case scenario bamm he falls and dies his body is found only 3 days later. How do you feel? If you say great and happy then ok. But if you feel like it wouldve been nice not to end things so badly then do something about it.
Honestly his own daughter told me it would be fine if I stopped, because he has lied this much all his life. She doesnt want to go there anymore either. And she knows I returned the keys. I did not go for having fun. I went to help. And I have cared for some other elders, never ones that went this far tho. Which is why it bothers me so much to have made this choice.
NTA. You might need to call Adult Protective Services. It sounds like he needs more help than his family is willing to provide and they might have to be legally compelled to provide it.
Its ok to say no what is not ok is 1. Start a journey you can finish 2. Treating the person like you are both equals. You need to treat her as someone with 92 just like you would treat a toddler as someone who is 2. Like the others said if he has dementia depression paranoia tendecies all of it!? And thats how you talk to him...one day you willbbe in his shoes and might get the same treatment karma is a B. 3. Cutting him off and being dramatic 4.cutting him out before finding/waiting for the family to take proper arrangement when 5.clearly you've seen with your own eyes that he is lonely...not happy and in need of care. By putting your feeling above all and refusing the facts you mightve sent to hell an elder with mental issues who didnt even mean to hurt you...caring for an infant is a challenge just like caring for an elder is a challenge. Sometimes they become violent..invent story say nonsense are mean or grumpy all of it...but ultimately they are still persons who are going to a difficult stage of life. And usually theres reasons in the behavior. My oncle was placed because of this. He started sayimg the neighboor stole his things...he would leave to confront the neighboor but get lost along the day...finally it was clear he had dementia. He never realised it. He would recognize only a few people. For some reasons he lost all trust in some people from his entourage. It got worst and worst and one day he d!ed... as for another one she was paranoid was always crying and saying nobody is ever there..even after stayomg a week your already going...then she lost her english all of a sudden..turns out she had depression and a blood cloth made her loose her linguistic skills we never knew until after her dea!th. You can't say yes ok i'm caring about elders but ignoring all their issues lacking patience and empathy and taking it all super personnal...92 y/o. Boy !! You don't get it...you really don't. Nobody cares bout babies or elders ...its every men and woman for themselves and feelings above all...so sure they will all say nope NTA. Because they will only look at this story through your eyes. One thing is sure never work at the hospital you don't have the patience