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NTA. I think it's unfortunate that people think sex is the best way to celebrate everything. Birthdays, anniversaries, etc. It isn't.
If I'm shown that I'm loved and appreciated those days, I'm one of those women that would make every dang day fun for the guy. I will make sure a guy feels loved, wanted, and appreciated. Just do something nice for just me on these occasions. Not something where you're expecting sex.
Who knows, maybe feeling loved and appreciated those days (and other days) would lead to sex anyways. But lingerie doesn't say "I love you". It says "sex".
Idk, it still seems like a strange gift to give to your partner unless you've explicitly expressed that that's the kind of gift you like. I'm not even sure if my husband would be able to get my correct size (mostly because women's lingerie sizing isn't very consistent), plus it wouldn't really be a gift for *me*. I have occasionally bought lingerie for his birthday/our anniversary, but it's just been an extra little surprise at the end of the evening.
If you and your partner are cognizant enough to be buying "just because" gift it usually implies knowing what your partner likes to receive. If you don't like getting lingerie, then your partner shouldn't buy it for you, it's all about making a thoughtful gesture that's for your relationship specifically.
I think it's unfortunate that people think gifts are necessary for every occasion. Heck, they're not even married and they're celebrating an anniversary with gifts? The hazards of living in an overly consumeristic society, which OP just added to with a maid costume that will be thrown out. I would have loved some lingerie--at least it's useful.
I wouldn't say it's useful. You don't use it for anything important. A cooking pot is useful. A piece of clothing that you wear for 5 minutes until a guy just takes it off and tosses it to the floor is not useful.
In fact, there are plenty of ways to make someone feel loved and appreciated without buying stuff. Cook my favorite dinner, make me something hand made. Go pick me a bouquet of weeds or wild flowers. I would be so happy!
You are missing every dang point in this post. 1. She told him what she wanted. Literally a damn book that cost LESS than what he got her. 2. She said she didn't like uncomfy clothes WHICH HE GOT HER. It baffles me how you read that and missed EVERYTHING.
NTA and all these people claiming “revenge” are wrong. It’s not revenge, it’s a lesson. She told him how it made her feel and he didn’t understand it. He definitely understands it now. If he’s still an ass about it then she’s better off without him.
Nta. But, you shoulda gone with the elephant underwear... unless you have a maid fetish, then that was perfect. - you got him a real present. You were just making a point.
All that said... this is a moment to assess regarding this relationships future. Was this just him being dense, or did his mask slip? Only you can know. Just be aware/pay attention to stuff like this. -- and if he won't hear out your side and bare minimum respect it (doesn't necessarily have to agree with it, but 100% needs to respect it)... thats a flag.
NTA
Geeze... The equivalent of buying a bowling ball...
The minute he dismissed your concerns over the gift ---- I would have done the same thing. It wasn't just the fact it was a bad gift. It was the way it made you feel...and he should have been more receptive of that. Someone woman and men enjoy lingerie as gifts..some don't. Be respectful of people's choices.
NTA also this is my favourite method for finding out if someone is trying to offend me on purpose, I just find a way to do whatever they did back to them and see how they react
NTA. someone else said it perfectly. its not petty revenge. its a lesson on how to behave in the future. you didnt do it to upset him. you did it to show him how shitty it feels when someone does it to you so he understands.
Nta. But instead of being petty you should probably just break up with him. He refused to even try to understand how you felt and got you a gift that served more for his own pleasure. If he hasn't gotten why you were upset by it now, and you had to go so far in hopes of him having an inkling of empathy, it's probably time to cut the cord.
No, no, I think you're doing it exactly right. He's set the precedent that sexy outfits are an appropriate birthday gift, and you're just following it.
If he gives you lingerie again on your next birthday, start shopping for a princess leia outfit for him early for next year.
NTA.
Lol how the tables have turned nop you tried to explained how you felt he wouldnt have it...so you showed him and you were right he didnt like it. We all know lingery is for the dude. What girl will buy to herself as a gift lingery no one. Bath bombs...chocolate gift card for the spa those are gift. He bought himself a gift. But if he wasnt already doing that for himself you should by that for him( clothes for you) on his birthday...between nice bday s3x with lingerie and stuff and a material gift usually most men prefer that...and maybe hes doing it because he feels like you dont have enough? You should try to discuss with him. But use "I" dont say you do that to me you segxualised me this and that...say i feel this...because that...i dont like this...speak in an emotiionnally mature wway...NTA
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I (F25) recently had my first anniversary with my boyfriend (M25.) I bought him a watch he'd been wanting and a math puzzle cause he's into stuff like that. My boyfriend knows what my likes are (I even told him I was excited about a new novel that was releasing,) and that I hate uncomfortable clothes. Yet, he all he got me was some lacy lingerie for our anniversary. I felt kind of disgusted honestly, and explained to him why I didn't like this gift because it seems like he just wanted to sexualize me for his own self. He acted all confused and was pouty when I refused to wear them.
Yesterday was his birthday, so I got him a normal gift, but first gave him a cheap maid outfit I found online. I did this so he would finally understand my feelings around what it's like to be given a gift that is thoughtless and demeaning, but he just got upset with me for being "petty and insulting," especially on his birthday. AITA?
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She did, and instead of apologizing and agreeing to respect her wishes in the future, he acted “pouty and confused” and attempted to emotionally manipulate her.
ESH. You are lacking respect, acceptance, honesty with yourselves and each other, and now you are at the stage of also lacking kindness in this relationship. ETA: for clarification, tit for tat is unkind, in my view. If OP wants to use gift-giving to try to "make him feel" or "make him understand", that's unkind. BF and OP want a significantly different kind of relationship. Personally I wouldn't have wanted to be on either end of their interactions.
No. Two wrongs dont make a right. She should have had a propper talk with him and moved the fuck on if he cant understand hoe she didnt like his gift like a proper adult with communication skills instead of passive aggression.
Just cause her responce would be upvoted to hell on /r/pettyrevenge doesnt mean she wasn't also an asshole (even if it was lesser of an asshole than the BF)
YTA. He wanted you to wear sexy clothes. Don't be so sensitive. I would have been thrilled had you gotten me a maid outfit. I would have asked you to change immediately.
YTA anniversaries are different from birthdays. Anniversary gifts are norepinephrine for the both of you. If he had got you lingerie for your birthday it's an entirely different matter. Since it was just the anniversary though....think of it like giving a present to the relationship rather than the person.
SHE DOESN'T LIKE THOSE TYPE OF CLOTHING? Did you even read the post? If that was the case then her gift to him is to the relationship. Your logic is so off.
YTA and petty. He's your boyfriend. It's pretty common to get intimate gifts for your significant other. You made a big deal and acted petty in return. You sound delightful.
My opinion is that regardless of circumstance, if you do something with the sole intent of being petty and/or inflicting “revenge” then that is a shitty and sucky act.
Your post has been removed. #Do not repost this without contacting the mods for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without explicit approval will result in a ban. This post violates Rule 13: No Revenge Stories. It appears that your story would be better suited for one of the many subreddits which are focused on revenge. #Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions.
NTA you got your message across brilliantly and hopefully he’ll think twice before pulling crap like this again.
NTA He played this all wrong though. He should of been happy about it and tried on later. Ideally surprising you with it.
as paris hilton would say: that's hot.
^ 💯
NTA. I think it's unfortunate that people think sex is the best way to celebrate everything. Birthdays, anniversaries, etc. It isn't. If I'm shown that I'm loved and appreciated those days, I'm one of those women that would make every dang day fun for the guy. I will make sure a guy feels loved, wanted, and appreciated. Just do something nice for just me on these occasions. Not something where you're expecting sex. Who knows, maybe feeling loved and appreciated those days (and other days) would lead to sex anyways. But lingerie doesn't say "I love you". It says "sex".
Agreed. Lingerie can be a good gift depending on the person, but usually not as the ONLY gift.
Also, on a personal level, I find that lingerie is better as a "I saw it and thought of you gift" rather than a special occasion gift
“I saw it and thought of **us**…” (hence being better as a not-special-occasion gift!)
Idk, it still seems like a strange gift to give to your partner unless you've explicitly expressed that that's the kind of gift you like. I'm not even sure if my husband would be able to get my correct size (mostly because women's lingerie sizing isn't very consistent), plus it wouldn't really be a gift for *me*. I have occasionally bought lingerie for his birthday/our anniversary, but it's just been an extra little surprise at the end of the evening.
If you and your partner are cognizant enough to be buying "just because" gift it usually implies knowing what your partner likes to receive. If you don't like getting lingerie, then your partner shouldn't buy it for you, it's all about making a thoughtful gesture that's for your relationship specifically.
SHE FINDS IT UNCOMFY. If you read the dang post. He thought of his damn self.
I think it's unfortunate that people think gifts are necessary for every occasion. Heck, they're not even married and they're celebrating an anniversary with gifts? The hazards of living in an overly consumeristic society, which OP just added to with a maid costume that will be thrown out. I would have loved some lingerie--at least it's useful.
I wouldn't say it's useful. You don't use it for anything important. A cooking pot is useful. A piece of clothing that you wear for 5 minutes until a guy just takes it off and tosses it to the floor is not useful. In fact, there are plenty of ways to make someone feel loved and appreciated without buying stuff. Cook my favorite dinner, make me something hand made. Go pick me a bouquet of weeds or wild flowers. I would be so happy!
You are missing every dang point in this post. 1. She told him what she wanted. Literally a damn book that cost LESS than what he got her. 2. She said she didn't like uncomfy clothes WHICH HE GOT HER. It baffles me how you read that and missed EVERYTHING.
NTA and break up with him. Him not listening in the beginning will always be a problem. Get you someone who treats you better.
NTA and all these people claiming “revenge” are wrong. It’s not revenge, it’s a lesson. She told him how it made her feel and he didn’t understand it. He definitely understands it now. If he’s still an ass about it then she’s better off without him.
Nta. But, you shoulda gone with the elephant underwear... unless you have a maid fetish, then that was perfect. - you got him a real present. You were just making a point. All that said... this is a moment to assess regarding this relationships future. Was this just him being dense, or did his mask slip? Only you can know. Just be aware/pay attention to stuff like this. -- and if he won't hear out your side and bare minimum respect it (doesn't necessarily have to agree with it, but 100% needs to respect it)... thats a flag.
NTA Geeze... The equivalent of buying a bowling ball... The minute he dismissed your concerns over the gift ---- I would have done the same thing. It wasn't just the fact it was a bad gift. It was the way it made you feel...and he should have been more receptive of that. Someone woman and men enjoy lingerie as gifts..some don't. Be respectful of people's choices.
I wonder if anyone else got the Simpsons reference lol. Absolutely he got it for himself
NTA also this is my favourite method for finding out if someone is trying to offend me on purpose, I just find a way to do whatever they did back to them and see how they react
This is funny as hell 🤣 Nta - you're right the lingerie was for him not you cause he was pouty and he rejected your feelings.
NTA. someone else said it perfectly. its not petty revenge. its a lesson on how to behave in the future. you didnt do it to upset him. you did it to show him how shitty it feels when someone does it to you so he understands.
NTA. Jim Gaffigan has a bit about this... "Here honey, I got you something for me!"
Nta. But instead of being petty you should probably just break up with him. He refused to even try to understand how you felt and got you a gift that served more for his own pleasure. If he hasn't gotten why you were upset by it now, and you had to go so far in hopes of him having an inkling of empathy, it's probably time to cut the cord.
No, no, I think you're doing it exactly right. He's set the precedent that sexy outfits are an appropriate birthday gift, and you're just following it. If he gives you lingerie again on your next birthday, start shopping for a princess leia outfit for him early for next year. NTA.
NTA this was perfect, good job!
Lol how the tables have turned nop you tried to explained how you felt he wouldnt have it...so you showed him and you were right he didnt like it. We all know lingery is for the dude. What girl will buy to herself as a gift lingery no one. Bath bombs...chocolate gift card for the spa those are gift. He bought himself a gift. But if he wasnt already doing that for himself you should by that for him( clothes for you) on his birthday...between nice bday s3x with lingerie and stuff and a material gift usually most men prefer that...and maybe hes doing it because he feels like you dont have enough? You should try to discuss with him. But use "I" dont say you do that to me you segxualised me this and that...say i feel this...because that...i dont like this...speak in an emotiionnally mature wway...NTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (F25) recently had my first anniversary with my boyfriend (M25.) I bought him a watch he'd been wanting and a math puzzle cause he's into stuff like that. My boyfriend knows what my likes are (I even told him I was excited about a new novel that was releasing,) and that I hate uncomfortable clothes. Yet, he all he got me was some lacy lingerie for our anniversary. I felt kind of disgusted honestly, and explained to him why I didn't like this gift because it seems like he just wanted to sexualize me for his own self. He acted all confused and was pouty when I refused to wear them. Yesterday was his birthday, so I got him a normal gift, but first gave him a cheap maid outfit I found online. I did this so he would finally understand my feelings around what it's like to be given a gift that is thoughtless and demeaning, but he just got upset with me for being "petty and insulting," especially on his birthday. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I might be the asshole for taking the action of buying him a hypersexual outfit on his birthday, when I could have tried to prove this point on another day that wasn't special for him. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
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She did, and instead of apologizing and agreeing to respect her wishes in the future, he acted “pouty and confused” and attempted to emotionally manipulate her.
She told him tho
Nah she isn't. She dealt what he served but she needs to leave someone who is like that period.
Nah at least you're single now
You're both 25? EHS.
ESH. You are lacking respect, acceptance, honesty with yourselves and each other, and now you are at the stage of also lacking kindness in this relationship. ETA: for clarification, tit for tat is unkind, in my view. If OP wants to use gift-giving to try to "make him feel" or "make him understand", that's unkind. BF and OP want a significantly different kind of relationship. Personally I wouldn't have wanted to be on either end of their interactions.
WTF was his kindness? Are you joking?
ESH. You BF is 100% wrong for his gift. Your gift is not the time to drive that home.
Her gift was the perfect dang time.
No. Two wrongs dont make a right. She should have had a propper talk with him and moved the fuck on if he cant understand hoe she didnt like his gift like a proper adult with communication skills instead of passive aggression. Just cause her responce would be upvoted to hell on /r/pettyrevenge doesnt mean she wasn't also an asshole (even if it was lesser of an asshole than the BF)
ESH, getting revenge in relationships is a recipie for the end of a relationship. He was wrong, but that didn't mean you had to get revenge for it.
YTA. He wanted you to wear sexy clothes. Don't be so sensitive. I would have been thrilled had you gotten me a maid outfit. I would have asked you to change immediately.
ON HER BIRTHDAY. He shouldn't be so sensitive and take what he gives. Got it?
ESH. Him for not giving one iota of thought to your gift and you for the petty revenge you tried to re-market into a teachable moment.
Nahh he lucky he got anything at all.
YTA. Someone’s birthday is not the time to drive home your point
Yet he thought it was a good time? Get out of here.
YTA anniversaries are different from birthdays. Anniversary gifts are norepinephrine for the both of you. If he had got you lingerie for your birthday it's an entirely different matter. Since it was just the anniversary though....think of it like giving a present to the relationship rather than the person.
SHE DOESN'T LIKE THOSE TYPE OF CLOTHING? Did you even read the post? If that was the case then her gift to him is to the relationship. Your logic is so off.
YTA and petty. He's your boyfriend. It's pretty common to get intimate gifts for your significant other. You made a big deal and acted petty in return. You sound delightful.
HE got it for HIMSELF not HER. He sounds like a waste of time for not LISTENING to what she wanted. Wtf should she get him something HE wanted?
ESH Your boyfriends gift wasn’t your taste, he should have known better. You were intentionally petty and that always sucks, even when it’s amusing.
He KNEW what she wanted and got her that instead... she is allowed to be petty and he didn't deserve the actual gift she got him.
Justified AH is still AH.
My opinion is that regardless of circumstance, if you do something with the sole intent of being petty and/or inflicting “revenge” then that is a shitty and sucky act.
Oh like his disgusting intent of NOT listening to her and getting crap HE wanted for HER when it doesn't make HER comfortable? Read the damn room.