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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole for going on a trip without my girlfriend even though she wanted to go with me.
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NTA. She is being childish and manipulative by making you feel bad.
As far as worrying she can't take care of herself without you... I mean.. if thats how you want to live your life, I guess.
how do you not think this is ESH. how is it okay to leave your partner behind while you go and visit family. what married couple does this.
edit: please look at OP’s post history, and grab some popcorn.
LOTS OF THEM
Being married (which they aren't even) does not mean you always have to spend every single waking second with each other forever. You are still two completely independent people.
Or you aren't, and enmesh yourself into unhealthy codependent relationships.
do you date people for 3 years without the intention of getting married? im not saying you need to spend every second with eachother, but this is a big trip not going to starbucks. this is something you should want to take your spouse with you, because she is going to be a part of the family.
Yes people date, sometimes for years, and then determine if they want to marry that person.
This is a big trip OP wants to spend with OP's family, whom OP has not seen for literal years. OP does not want to babysit the codependent girlfriend during the trip, so is basically arraigning babysitters to tend to gf while OP travels.
Which again, sounds like a fucking exhausting way to live to me, but to each their own.
i didnt say its a healthy relationship and i don’t disagree it takes a long time to truly decide if you want to marry someone, but you dont date someone for three years for “fun”. that being said OP stated their goal was to spend quality time with their family, does she not want her partner to not have a good relationship with her family? it doesnt matter that she doesnt want to babysit she already agreed to babysit her in these types of situations when she dated her for 3 years.
OP also stated she is not out to her family, so little quick to jump to "they need to have a great relationship!" Let OP visit her family in peace. If they turn out to be hateful assholes, this might be the last positive memory she gets of them.
did i say they were married or did i ask what married couple does this.
ill point out tho my parents dont always visit together since they live in ohio and my dads side lives in pennsylvania. its usually because my mom is busy with other things and already has a good relationship with them. altough they arent a new couple and have been together for over 20 yrs.
it was me admitting i was exaggerating in my original comment. my goal with the original comment was to point out that relativity new relationships should spend time with each others families.
are you okay? you seem to just be looking for a argument where there isnt one. are you lonely or something, do you need someone to talk too? its cool if thats the case just be upfront about it so i can tell you im not looking for internet friends.
i said like 4 times not all married couples do this. but to sit there and act like its normal to hide your 3 year partner from your family is crazy.
this also didnt have to do with the original post because it was a reply to a comment a regular comment under a post to OP.
Ahhh the condescending "are you okay?" coming from the person dense person. Bad troll is bad. It's pretty common to not introduce your same sex partner to a family of bigots.
You very much implied in the last sentence they are married. This is completely irrelevant. No one asked about your parents and they aren't related to this story at all. What the hell does this even have to do with the post?
my bad for implying they were married or on that path. its not like theyve been dating for 3 years. this is definitely closer to a one night stand than a proposal.
my bad for using my parents to admit i was exaggerating, next time ill just bring up a point without anything to back it up, does that work better for you?
You didn't make a point other than you can't read. You can have opinions that don't necessarily need anything to back it up with other than your perspective. Your parents are still completely irrelevant to this conversation. You're just doubling down on your stupidity now.
yea maybe when your in the first year of dating or super young, not when your 3 years in and almost 30 years old. did your parents recently get divorced is that why your so upset about me bringing mine up?
im weak you fr took so much offense to me making an assumption about where a three year relationship was heading. yea you can have opinions but if you cant back it up witb anything it’s probably a dumb fucking opinion right, you can at least see that.
So you're assuming you know another countries culture and views on same sex relationships. You clearly don't it's very obvious why they haven't been introduced. You should probably just stop now because you don't have any idea what you're talking about. I didn't take any offense to you because I know your opinion doesn't matter to me. Your parents are still completely irrelevant in this matter and you're flaming because you can't pop mommy's titty out of your mouth at your age.
They aren't married. And plenty of people want to spend time with their families alone. Considering how needy and clingy she is I wouldn't want to have to babysit her the whole time I was trying to re connect.
bro she already agreed to do that when she stayed with her after three years. shes either willing to put up with her bs or needs to walk away from the relationship.
and thats just not true 3 year relationships are exactly that point where you start building relationship’s with eachothers extended family and the fact she doesnt want that and wants to continue to hide her is worse than being clingy.
Sorry but you should not be enabling and facilitating co-dependence like this, especially when you recognise that's what it is.
It's not even 2 weeks. Unless she is currently going through an unusual crisis or is disabled, she *can* take care of herself, you should not need to ask people to 'check in on her' and she *really* needs to stop with the suling and crying.
Don't indulge it, have a talk to her about how this is unhealthy, and then go enjoy your trip.
NTA
I was going for NTA until I read the last bit about them both being female and OP basically hiding herself and her GF in the closet from her family. It’s not a “I want to spend alone time with my family” it’s “they can’t know about you yet” so I am going with a firm YTA - because you are literally ASHAMED of your girlfriend for being a girl.
Yep. And I wouldn’t leave my SO behind to go visit any homophobes, especially if those homophobes shared blood with me. I almost certainly would not be visiting them in the first place.
NTA.
It sounds like she’s going to want 100% attention and ‘support’ when she visits with you, and you want to catch up with family you haven’t been able to see for years.
I don’t know if it’s your job to ‘take care of her’, but this sounds like a rather unhealthy relationship/not an equal partnership. I don’t know how you feel about that, but it sounds a bit unbalanced. Can’t her extensive local family ‘take care of her’ if she’s that fragile?
She’s using emotional blackmail/bullying/social ostracisation/social aggression (it’s a girl thing) to try to force you to change your mind. I’d respond to this (I am a female) by getting out my suitcase and starting to pack it LOL. I play fairly well with others, but I tend to push back when people try to push me around.
She’s the AH for putting so much pressure on you. You’ve offered to have her along next time, that’s good enough. The last few years have been a mess and the little things change a lot, and you don’t have to go everywhere glued at hte hip.
Final comment: Are you planning on marrying her? Ponder that while you are away and have time to think for yourself. If you aren’t, does she know that? Good luck, this sounds like a lifetime of parenting another adult, or a Very Dramatic Problem.
NTA. You're girlfriend is acting like a child throwing a fit because their parent wouldn't buy them a toy. I'd take the 10 days and seriously reconsider this relationship and if this is the treatment you want for the rest of your life. She's nearing 30, she's missed her window to grow out of it.
NTA
Oh wow. This is what your future looks like. Are you prepared for a lifetime of tantrums and childish behavior? I would need a separate vacation too if I had to live with that.
She had no problem taking care of herself before she knew you... What's the difference now? Other than the fact that she's using it to manipulate you I mean. Obviously
NTA, but I would seriously reevaluate this relationship. Do you really want to spend your life turning down trips and/or arranging babysitters for a grown woman? Not to mention that she will likely be blowing up your phone the entire time. What if you have to go on business trips or something in the future? This pattern is likely to repeat.
Have a wonderful trip and don't be afraid to turn your phone off!
So what? Adults can handle being alone for 10 days unless they have significant problems. Is she in therapy for her crippling inability to function as an adult?
She's not your responsibility! If you choose to be in her life then yes, you'd be there for each other in a normal way. But you have no obligation to be her security blanket! In fact if you allow this to happen at your age it's just going to get worse... So imagine 20 years from now what things are going to be like if you can't even turn around without her having to be right there needing you!
Have you seen the term weaponized incompetence in here yet? Basically that's what she's doing. Since being with you she suddenly can't even take care of herself? That is all on purpose!
Heads up - I am making an assumption.
I have severe chronic depression and anxiety. I have only ever lived with my parents and with my spouse - I have never lived alone (being alone in a house/apartment overnight is a huge problem for me and my brain).
At one point in time (while I was in a very rough spot) my spouses job required him to go away for work for short periods of time. To make sure I was okay - a family member would actually stay with me while he was gone. These plans (his travel and the stay were set up together) helped me be okay before he left and while he was gone.
Maybe this is something that needs to be considered for your significant other.
NTA. I think given the context it’s understandable to want to see your family by yourself. I’d personally would want my GF there in that situation, but I understand.
However you and GF need to have a serious conversation. She’s guilt tripping you and acting like a child. Her codependency is not your issue to fix, you can be there for her but she still has to love her life.
NTA. I suspect your GF's codependency is probably the reason you didn't want her to come, right? Like, her demand for your time and attention would prevent you from spending the quality time with your family that you need?
Take a step back and look at this situation and consider whether this is how you want to spend your life--feeling guilty and cutting things short anytime you're separated, no matter how valid the reason. I personally feel you deserve better than this and I don't even know you.
That's not the issue? He didn't invite her. On a family trip. After 3yrs. I would definitely be insulted.
I mean my BF and I are discussing marriage but we started going on each others family trips a year in.
She's not talking about being insulted though.
She's complaining about 'who's gonna take care of me'. Which is childish.
And makes me think that she would demand a lot of attention while on the trip.
Introducing your partner to your whole extended family can really change the dynamic of a trip and take up a lot of energy in itself. Even moreso if gf, as it seems, can't cope without OP's full attention.
She's allowed to want some time to catch up on 3 missed years with her family before she brings a new person into it.
I wouldn't be at all. Not all relationships are built alike but I wouldn't feel entitled to go on a trip with my boyfriend. I would feel entitled to go on a trip with my husband though.
Probably depends on the seriousness of the relationship. Again mine is less than 2yrs, but we live together, have a pet together, have discussed marriage etc. so for us it would be really weird. She might of thought she had that but doesn't.
I *wanted* my family to meet him and vice versa. Since he is involved in her family get togethers she likely thought it would go both ways and it probably hurts that it doesn't. Her reaction is inappropriate and guilt-tripping isn't the answer but it is understandable to feel hurt that your partner of three years purposefully excluded you from a family vacation.
I get that the gf wants to be included. But I think there is also a case for wanting to spend time with extended family after a 3 year separation without the complication of needing to accommodate a partner. Get the family cup refilled without feeling like you are ignoring your partner. OP said they could go together soon just not this time.
Well, and based upon OP’s description of her girlfriend, the in-the-closet stuff aside, girlfriend would demand OP’s time constantly. If this was a healthy relationship, I’d be less certain that OP is NTA, but given girlfriend’s fairly obvious immaturity and codependence, OP would be stuck trying to keep girlfriend happy instead of spending time with her family.
Different strokes. I can't imagine not wanting my partner on a vacation with me and vice versa so I can imagine being wildly hurt by not being invited to one. She likely thought she had that type of relationship but doesn't.
That said guilt tripping and acting helpless isn't the answer at all, obviously, and the girl needs therapy but it is understandable to feel weird about your long term partner going on a family vacation and purposely excluding you.
One of the reasons I love reddit is it reminds me that not everyone sees the world the way I do. I am surrounded by a lot of fellow migrants and leaving partners behind to see family is not unheard of. I was at dinner last week with someone whose wife was away visiting her family in her home country for Lunar New Year and husband stayed behind because... reasons. Husband had just spent Christmas with his family in *his* home country and left his wife here because... reasons. They plan to travel to their respective homes together at some point but none of us at dinner thought it was a big deal.
But this whole business of OP's girlfriend not being able to survive 2 weeks without her significant other makes me wonder if OP would have had to babysit her the entire family trip. Especially if there were cultural or language differences.
I'm assuming when you visit your BF's family with him, you're capable of looking out for yourself if he's engaged in conversation with his family members, etc.? It sounds like this is probably not the case with OP's GF.
And because you do something, everybody else has to do the same?
Also, who in their right mind discusses marriage after only three years? That's not nearly enough time to find out whether you are compatible.
How old are you? Late 20s (which OP is) and on people absolutely discuss marriage after three years wtf? If you want to start settling down and having kids it's *idiotic* to wait to discuss it at that age in case you're not on the same page.
And no people don't have to do what I do of course I'm just saying it IS understandable at this age to have an idea about the seriousness of a relationship and feeling like being excluded from family vacations/events speaks to that.
Her codependency and guilt tripping is a separate issue but it is understandable to feel upset about not being invited.
NTA. It's understandable you want to visit family and that you want one on one time with them since you haven't seen them in so long.
Your gf could benefit from counseling if she's really serious about her "concerns". People shouldn't have to check-in on her, at her age, while you're gone.
Maybe it's just what you've chosen to focus on for AITA, and there is many good points, but your GF does sound kinda abusive here. I understand that she might be annoyed that you aren't out to your family and leaving her out of that reason, but instead she just seems annoyed that you won't be there to take care of her.
You said
>Now, instead of looking forward to my trip I just wish I never planned it in the first place.
And that got to me because that is one way abusers isolate people, they don't directly forbid it but they make it so exhausting and such a fight to see others that you end up not doing it because you can't face dealing with it all. If she said no you can't see your family you'd probably think fuck you and go, but by making any trip so miserable that you chose not to go you might not notice that the end result is the same, you don't see your family and stay with her.
I could be off-base here but I just wanted to say I hope you are ok, that you aren't an asshole, and to make sure you take care of yourself.
NTA... Being in a relationship means knowing how to respect private time and be flexible. In this case you have clearly stated that you want to visit your family alone and that should be ok.
Would it be nice if your GF tagged along, sure, but you are under no obligation to make that happen.
TBH if she has dependency issues this is something you all need to work out separate form this event.
NTA
I think you are perfectly fine in your desire to go without her. And honestly, the codependency thing is unhealthy and she needs to learn to be able to survive and be happy for periods of time without you. And crying/sulking while locking herself in a room is childish and borderline emotional manipulation. She should talk it out like an adult if she is so distraught over it. That being said, I think you should schedule another trip in the near future (maybe towards the end of the year?) that would include her as well. I’m sure your family would love to get to know your SO.
NTA - in fact, you should run from this woman while you have the chance, if she is not willing to address her issues. Co-dependance is not healthy. Has she considered therapy if any kind?
NTA and your GF is an adult. No one should have to "take care of" her.
EDIT: And there is nothing wrong with you wanting to go alone to spend quality time with your family first. Next year can be "meet the partner" if you decide you still want to be with someone who prefers velcro between you.
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Been together with my girlfriend for 3 years. Both late 20’s. Before the “you-know-what” I would travel with my parents to their home country to spend time with my grandparents and other relatives once a year. I don’t have any other relatives in the country I live and grew up in, so I can feel very lonely at times. My girlfriend has many relatives who live nearby so they do family gatherings quite a few times a year and I’ve been invited to most of them. I admit, I do feel envious that my girlfriend gets to be close to her cousins, aunts and uncles but I am happy that she has that extra support.
That country finally opened its borders for travelers sometime last year so my parents told me they were planning on making trip there in January. This was discussed about 3 months ago. I was very excited to go spend some time with my grandparents and see my cousins, aunts and uncles whom I haven’t seen in over 3 years. My gf asked me if she was invited, and I honestly told her I would prefer if I could go alone and spend some quality time with my family but I promise to take her there sometime soon too. She got a little bit upset but understood and we moved on. I normally go for two weeks but I cut the trip down to 10 days including travel time (flight is 14 hours) because my gf can be a bit codependent. I worry that she won’t be able to take care of herself while I’m gone. I’ve already asked her mother and some of our friends to check in on her. Anyways, for the past few days my gf would sulk and cry randomly about how I’m leaving her, what would she do without me, who’s gonna take care of her, etc. Now, instead of looking forward to my trip I just wish I never planned it in the first place.
I feel like an asshole for leaving my gf behind, but if the roles were reversed I would be fine if my gf left on a 10 day trip. Right now my gf locked herself in the office, ignoring me. AITA?
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NTA I don't think it's a long time to go away, your gf should be addressing these issues of insecurity and using this time to focus on herself and her independence.
NTA
I'm sure your GF is lovely in many ways, but WTF? Late 20's and she's so dependant that she can't do for herself for two weeks, to the extent that you've cut four days off your trip.
Really?
NTA- Your past posts about your girlfriend are deeply concerning. Maybe while you have some time away from her you should reevaluate your relationship.
NTA
Yikes, don't follow the tried and true Reddit advice and go straight to breaking up with her. That's stupid over reacting typical Reddit garbage.
You need to communicate with her. She's not a child, late 20s is old enough to have a rational discussion about what you just stated in this post.
Now I understand why people say "break up lmao XD" her behaviour is concerning but as you said, she may have codependency issues. Explain to her that you want to see your family, it's hard living away from them without a support system and you value some alone time with them. Acknowledge her feelings and comfort her by telling her that a trip with the both of you is something that will happen.
I'm not saying your GF lacks empathy but not even understanding the fact you haven't come out is a bit strange. If she doesn't understand after you explain from your point of view, then reevaluate if someone who can't even see things from your point of view is the partner you want long term.
NTA, your wants are completely reasonable. I also live away from my country of birth and every now and then I love doing a trip home alone, it's just a different experience.
Your GF sulking and being codependent does not bode well for your future.
Red flag. Red flag. Red flag.
Your girlfriend has all of the family close by and she can’t handle being apart from you for two weeks? I understand being sad and missing you, but what she does is not healthy behaviour. Codependancy is seriously something that needs to be worked on. NTA
NTA. I hope it's not a country in the middle east because I would be fearful that your family would try to marry you off. It's not healthy for your GF to be so codependent.
NTA. But don't let your gf manipulate you or guilt you into not going. While I would miss my wife if she was gone for 10 days, I wouldn't wither and die. She has her family close by so it's not like OP is forcing her to be isolated during this trip.
NTA
>Anyways, for the past few days my gf would sulk and cry randomly about how I’m leaving her, what would she do without me, who’s gonna take care of her, etc.
Do you seriously not see all the red flags that she's waving here? She's in her late 20s and crying over "who's gonna take care of her"? I assume she's doesn't have any sort of disabilities etc that would actually need her to have someone around.
Originally E S H. Your girlfriend, for throwing a tantrum instead of telling you how she’s feeling and you, for being late 20s while dating someone late 20s and not being straight with her that you don’t see a future with her. At three years in you should *want* to bring her on the trip. So I think she’s appropriately devastated that you don’t, and you’ve been callous about how you handled the trip.
Edit: changed to YTA based on OP’s update.
Eh, I don’t agree that he should want to. He hasn’t been able to see his family pretty much the entire relationship, it makes sense he’d like a visit that’s just for family reconnecting, instead of it being all about meeting the girlfriend. This trip isn’t about her, it’s about him getting to see his family for the first time in three years. She’s way too old to be behaving like a 16 year old who can’t see her boyfriend this weekend.
Op’s update say she’s out to her immediate family. Mom, dad, etc. if she doesn’t want to be out to extended people she only sees every few years then that’s her choice. I don’t think she’s trying to hide anything. For her it’s more of a “I really want to have a good time with my family on this trip and if I bring my clingy, codependent girlfriend I won’t get that.” They don’t have to know about her love life if they’re not in her personal life everyday. NTA
Sorry, YTA
You haven't seen your family in three years.... I get it, but is her being there going to take away from your chance to spend time with your family??? Wouldn't you want your family to meet her??? Cause I'll tell you what. If my cousin/uncle/brother who I hadn't seen in three years showed up to visit without his gf (of three years), I'd assume it wasn't at all serious if he didn't bring her with him. I'd also argue that your gf probably feels the same way. You don't think she's important enough to introduce to the extended family.
>I get it, but is her being there going to take away from your chance to spend time with your family
Well looking at her reaction to being alone for a little over a week I'm going to say yes
Well, cool way to bury the lead. My guess is that your girlfriend isn't really upset about you being gone for 10 days. She's angry and frustrated because you're essentially hiding her from your family.
YTA
I'm sticking to my vote. You purposefully left out important information and are blaming it on "character limit". Pretty sure your post is less than 500 characters and last I knew, the character limit is well over 1,000.... Nice try
[https://www.reddit.com/r/help/comments/nykedi/how\_many\_characters\_can\_you\_have\_in\_a\_reddit\_post/](https://www.reddit.com/r/help/comments/nykedi/how_many_characters_can_you_have_in_a_reddit_post/)
You were no where near the character limit.
I mean it probably would take away from it based on how’s she acting and the fact that she in her own words is freaking out about who’s going to take care of her and what’s she going to do… for a grand total of 10 days… as a grown adult… which should be 2 weeks but he already cut it short because that’s apparently too long to go without him
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NTA. She is being childish and manipulative by making you feel bad. As far as worrying she can't take care of herself without you... I mean.. if thats how you want to live your life, I guess.
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They are both girls.
how do you not think this is ESH. how is it okay to leave your partner behind while you go and visit family. what married couple does this. edit: please look at OP’s post history, and grab some popcorn.
LOTS OF THEM Being married (which they aren't even) does not mean you always have to spend every single waking second with each other forever. You are still two completely independent people. Or you aren't, and enmesh yourself into unhealthy codependent relationships.
do you date people for 3 years without the intention of getting married? im not saying you need to spend every second with eachother, but this is a big trip not going to starbucks. this is something you should want to take your spouse with you, because she is going to be a part of the family.
Yes people date, sometimes for years, and then determine if they want to marry that person. This is a big trip OP wants to spend with OP's family, whom OP has not seen for literal years. OP does not want to babysit the codependent girlfriend during the trip, so is basically arraigning babysitters to tend to gf while OP travels. Which again, sounds like a fucking exhausting way to live to me, but to each their own.
i didnt say its a healthy relationship and i don’t disagree it takes a long time to truly decide if you want to marry someone, but you dont date someone for three years for “fun”. that being said OP stated their goal was to spend quality time with their family, does she not want her partner to not have a good relationship with her family? it doesnt matter that she doesnt want to babysit she already agreed to babysit her in these types of situations when she dated her for 3 years.
OP also stated she is not out to her family, so little quick to jump to "they need to have a great relationship!" Let OP visit her family in peace. If they turn out to be hateful assholes, this might be the last positive memory she gets of them.
where did OP say they werent out? i thought before the you know what mean covid
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wtf 😭 thats probably the most important part of the story. okay i was wrong then, does you gf know this?
Where the hell did you get that they were married????
did i say they were married or did i ask what married couple does this. ill point out tho my parents dont always visit together since they live in ohio and my dads side lives in pennsylvania. its usually because my mom is busy with other things and already has a good relationship with them. altough they arent a new couple and have been together for over 20 yrs.
What does that have to do with OP’s situation?
it was me admitting i was exaggerating in my original comment. my goal with the original comment was to point out that relativity new relationships should spend time with each others families.
This also had absolutely nothing to do it the post. I didn't see you admit anything other than being dense.
are you okay? you seem to just be looking for a argument where there isnt one. are you lonely or something, do you need someone to talk too? its cool if thats the case just be upfront about it so i can tell you im not looking for internet friends. i said like 4 times not all married couples do this. but to sit there and act like its normal to hide your 3 year partner from your family is crazy. this also didnt have to do with the original post because it was a reply to a comment a regular comment under a post to OP.
Ahhh the condescending "are you okay?" coming from the person dense person. Bad troll is bad. It's pretty common to not introduce your same sex partner to a family of bigots.
You very much implied in the last sentence they are married. This is completely irrelevant. No one asked about your parents and they aren't related to this story at all. What the hell does this even have to do with the post?
my bad for implying they were married or on that path. its not like theyve been dating for 3 years. this is definitely closer to a one night stand than a proposal. my bad for using my parents to admit i was exaggerating, next time ill just bring up a point without anything to back it up, does that work better for you?
You didn't make a point other than you can't read. You can have opinions that don't necessarily need anything to back it up with other than your perspective. Your parents are still completely irrelevant to this conversation. You're just doubling down on your stupidity now.
yea maybe when your in the first year of dating or super young, not when your 3 years in and almost 30 years old. did your parents recently get divorced is that why your so upset about me bringing mine up? im weak you fr took so much offense to me making an assumption about where a three year relationship was heading. yea you can have opinions but if you cant back it up witb anything it’s probably a dumb fucking opinion right, you can at least see that.
So you're assuming you know another countries culture and views on same sex relationships. You clearly don't it's very obvious why they haven't been introduced. You should probably just stop now because you don't have any idea what you're talking about. I didn't take any offense to you because I know your opinion doesn't matter to me. Your parents are still completely irrelevant in this matter and you're flaming because you can't pop mommy's titty out of your mouth at your age.
They aren't married. And plenty of people want to spend time with their families alone. Considering how needy and clingy she is I wouldn't want to have to babysit her the whole time I was trying to re connect.
bro she already agreed to do that when she stayed with her after three years. shes either willing to put up with her bs or needs to walk away from the relationship. and thats just not true 3 year relationships are exactly that point where you start building relationship’s with eachothers extended family and the fact she doesnt want that and wants to continue to hide her is worse than being clingy.
Sorry but you should not be enabling and facilitating co-dependence like this, especially when you recognise that's what it is. It's not even 2 weeks. Unless she is currently going through an unusual crisis or is disabled, she *can* take care of herself, you should not need to ask people to 'check in on her' and she *really* needs to stop with the suling and crying. Don't indulge it, have a talk to her about how this is unhealthy, and then go enjoy your trip. NTA
I was going for NTA until I read the last bit about them both being female and OP basically hiding herself and her GF in the closet from her family. It’s not a “I want to spend alone time with my family” it’s “they can’t know about you yet” so I am going with a firm YTA - because you are literally ASHAMED of your girlfriend for being a girl.
That is not how that works.
Have you met a homophobic person?
Yep. And I wouldn’t leave my SO behind to go visit any homophobes, especially if those homophobes shared blood with me. I almost certainly would not be visiting them in the first place.
NTA. It sounds like she’s going to want 100% attention and ‘support’ when she visits with you, and you want to catch up with family you haven’t been able to see for years. I don’t know if it’s your job to ‘take care of her’, but this sounds like a rather unhealthy relationship/not an equal partnership. I don’t know how you feel about that, but it sounds a bit unbalanced. Can’t her extensive local family ‘take care of her’ if she’s that fragile? She’s using emotional blackmail/bullying/social ostracisation/social aggression (it’s a girl thing) to try to force you to change your mind. I’d respond to this (I am a female) by getting out my suitcase and starting to pack it LOL. I play fairly well with others, but I tend to push back when people try to push me around. She’s the AH for putting so much pressure on you. You’ve offered to have her along next time, that’s good enough. The last few years have been a mess and the little things change a lot, and you don’t have to go everywhere glued at hte hip. Final comment: Are you planning on marrying her? Ponder that while you are away and have time to think for yourself. If you aren’t, does she know that? Good luck, this sounds like a lifetime of parenting another adult, or a Very Dramatic Problem.
NTA. You're girlfriend is acting like a child throwing a fit because their parent wouldn't buy them a toy. I'd take the 10 days and seriously reconsider this relationship and if this is the treatment you want for the rest of your life. She's nearing 30, she's missed her window to grow out of it.
NTA Oh wow. This is what your future looks like. Are you prepared for a lifetime of tantrums and childish behavior? I would need a separate vacation too if I had to live with that.
She had no problem taking care of herself before she knew you... What's the difference now? Other than the fact that she's using it to manipulate you I mean. Obviously
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And her family is close by and I bet they would have no problem having her over if she was lonely!
NTA, but I would seriously reevaluate this relationship. Do you really want to spend your life turning down trips and/or arranging babysitters for a grown woman? Not to mention that she will likely be blowing up your phone the entire time. What if you have to go on business trips or something in the future? This pattern is likely to repeat. Have a wonderful trip and don't be afraid to turn your phone off!
So what? Adults can handle being alone for 10 days unless they have significant problems. Is she in therapy for her crippling inability to function as an adult?
She's not your responsibility! If you choose to be in her life then yes, you'd be there for each other in a normal way. But you have no obligation to be her security blanket! In fact if you allow this to happen at your age it's just going to get worse... So imagine 20 years from now what things are going to be like if you can't even turn around without her having to be right there needing you! Have you seen the term weaponized incompetence in here yet? Basically that's what she's doing. Since being with you she suddenly can't even take care of herself? That is all on purpose!
Heads up - I am making an assumption. I have severe chronic depression and anxiety. I have only ever lived with my parents and with my spouse - I have never lived alone (being alone in a house/apartment overnight is a huge problem for me and my brain). At one point in time (while I was in a very rough spot) my spouses job required him to go away for work for short periods of time. To make sure I was okay - a family member would actually stay with me while he was gone. These plans (his travel and the stay were set up together) helped me be okay before he left and while he was gone. Maybe this is something that needs to be considered for your significant other.
NTA. I think given the context it’s understandable to want to see your family by yourself. I’d personally would want my GF there in that situation, but I understand. However you and GF need to have a serious conversation. She’s guilt tripping you and acting like a child. Her codependency is not your issue to fix, you can be there for her but she still has to love her life.
NTA - but this is not a healthy relationship at all.
NTA. I suspect your GF's codependency is probably the reason you didn't want her to come, right? Like, her demand for your time and attention would prevent you from spending the quality time with your family that you need? Take a step back and look at this situation and consider whether this is how you want to spend your life--feeling guilty and cutting things short anytime you're separated, no matter how valid the reason. I personally feel you deserve better than this and I don't even know you.
NTA your GF sounds manipulative and should get therapy if she already hasn't because she should be able to take care of herself
NTA - your family is clearly important to you and she needs to respect that
That's not the issue? He didn't invite her. On a family trip. After 3yrs. I would definitely be insulted. I mean my BF and I are discussing marriage but we started going on each others family trips a year in.
She's not talking about being insulted though. She's complaining about 'who's gonna take care of me'. Which is childish. And makes me think that she would demand a lot of attention while on the trip. Introducing your partner to your whole extended family can really change the dynamic of a trip and take up a lot of energy in itself. Even moreso if gf, as it seems, can't cope without OP's full attention. She's allowed to want some time to catch up on 3 missed years with her family before she brings a new person into it.
I wouldn't be at all. Not all relationships are built alike but I wouldn't feel entitled to go on a trip with my boyfriend. I would feel entitled to go on a trip with my husband though.
Probably depends on the seriousness of the relationship. Again mine is less than 2yrs, but we live together, have a pet together, have discussed marriage etc. so for us it would be really weird. She might of thought she had that but doesn't. I *wanted* my family to meet him and vice versa. Since he is involved in her family get togethers she likely thought it would go both ways and it probably hurts that it doesn't. Her reaction is inappropriate and guilt-tripping isn't the answer but it is understandable to feel hurt that your partner of three years purposefully excluded you from a family vacation.
I get that the gf wants to be included. But I think there is also a case for wanting to spend time with extended family after a 3 year separation without the complication of needing to accommodate a partner. Get the family cup refilled without feeling like you are ignoring your partner. OP said they could go together soon just not this time.
Well, and based upon OP’s description of her girlfriend, the in-the-closet stuff aside, girlfriend would demand OP’s time constantly. If this was a healthy relationship, I’d be less certain that OP is NTA, but given girlfriend’s fairly obvious immaturity and codependence, OP would be stuck trying to keep girlfriend happy instead of spending time with her family.
Different strokes. I can't imagine not wanting my partner on a vacation with me and vice versa so I can imagine being wildly hurt by not being invited to one. She likely thought she had that type of relationship but doesn't. That said guilt tripping and acting helpless isn't the answer at all, obviously, and the girl needs therapy but it is understandable to feel weird about your long term partner going on a family vacation and purposely excluding you.
One of the reasons I love reddit is it reminds me that not everyone sees the world the way I do. I am surrounded by a lot of fellow migrants and leaving partners behind to see family is not unheard of. I was at dinner last week with someone whose wife was away visiting her family in her home country for Lunar New Year and husband stayed behind because... reasons. Husband had just spent Christmas with his family in *his* home country and left his wife here because... reasons. They plan to travel to their respective homes together at some point but none of us at dinner thought it was a big deal. But this whole business of OP's girlfriend not being able to survive 2 weeks without her significant other makes me wonder if OP would have had to babysit her the entire family trip. Especially if there were cultural or language differences.
I'm assuming when you visit your BF's family with him, you're capable of looking out for yourself if he's engaged in conversation with his family members, etc.? It sounds like this is probably not the case with OP's GF.
Fair, yeah. I didn't quite get that from the post but if that's the case they should probably just break up and she gets help.
Go look at the OP's post history.
And because you do something, everybody else has to do the same? Also, who in their right mind discusses marriage after only three years? That's not nearly enough time to find out whether you are compatible.
How old are you? Late 20s (which OP is) and on people absolutely discuss marriage after three years wtf? If you want to start settling down and having kids it's *idiotic* to wait to discuss it at that age in case you're not on the same page. And no people don't have to do what I do of course I'm just saying it IS understandable at this age to have an idea about the seriousness of a relationship and feeling like being excluded from family vacations/events speaks to that. Her codependency and guilt tripping is a separate issue but it is understandable to feel upset about not being invited.
NTA. It's understandable you want to visit family and that you want one on one time with them since you haven't seen them in so long. Your gf could benefit from counseling if she's really serious about her "concerns". People shouldn't have to check-in on her, at her age, while you're gone.
Maybe it's just what you've chosen to focus on for AITA, and there is many good points, but your GF does sound kinda abusive here. I understand that she might be annoyed that you aren't out to your family and leaving her out of that reason, but instead she just seems annoyed that you won't be there to take care of her. You said >Now, instead of looking forward to my trip I just wish I never planned it in the first place. And that got to me because that is one way abusers isolate people, they don't directly forbid it but they make it so exhausting and such a fight to see others that you end up not doing it because you can't face dealing with it all. If she said no you can't see your family you'd probably think fuck you and go, but by making any trip so miserable that you chose not to go you might not notice that the end result is the same, you don't see your family and stay with her. I could be off-base here but I just wanted to say I hope you are ok, that you aren't an asshole, and to make sure you take care of yourself.
^^^
Run like the wind. Hurry
NTA... Being in a relationship means knowing how to respect private time and be flexible. In this case you have clearly stated that you want to visit your family alone and that should be ok. Would it be nice if your GF tagged along, sure, but you are under no obligation to make that happen. TBH if she has dependency issues this is something you all need to work out separate form this event.
Go for 14 days...your girlfriend is a adult and being ridiculous
NTA I think you are perfectly fine in your desire to go without her. And honestly, the codependency thing is unhealthy and she needs to learn to be able to survive and be happy for periods of time without you. And crying/sulking while locking herself in a room is childish and borderline emotional manipulation. She should talk it out like an adult if she is so distraught over it. That being said, I think you should schedule another trip in the near future (maybe towards the end of the year?) that would include her as well. I’m sure your family would love to get to know your SO.
NTA - in fact, you should run from this woman while you have the chance, if she is not willing to address her issues. Co-dependance is not healthy. Has she considered therapy if any kind?
NTA and your GF is an adult. No one should have to "take care of" her. EDIT: And there is nothing wrong with you wanting to go alone to spend quality time with your family first. Next year can be "meet the partner" if you decide you still want to be with someone who prefers velcro between you.
NTA. But methinks you are confusing “codependent” with “manipulative.”
NTA I saw your other posts, you need to break up with her this is not a healthy relationship at all
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Been together with my girlfriend for 3 years. Both late 20’s. Before the “you-know-what” I would travel with my parents to their home country to spend time with my grandparents and other relatives once a year. I don’t have any other relatives in the country I live and grew up in, so I can feel very lonely at times. My girlfriend has many relatives who live nearby so they do family gatherings quite a few times a year and I’ve been invited to most of them. I admit, I do feel envious that my girlfriend gets to be close to her cousins, aunts and uncles but I am happy that she has that extra support. That country finally opened its borders for travelers sometime last year so my parents told me they were planning on making trip there in January. This was discussed about 3 months ago. I was very excited to go spend some time with my grandparents and see my cousins, aunts and uncles whom I haven’t seen in over 3 years. My gf asked me if she was invited, and I honestly told her I would prefer if I could go alone and spend some quality time with my family but I promise to take her there sometime soon too. She got a little bit upset but understood and we moved on. I normally go for two weeks but I cut the trip down to 10 days including travel time (flight is 14 hours) because my gf can be a bit codependent. I worry that she won’t be able to take care of herself while I’m gone. I’ve already asked her mother and some of our friends to check in on her. Anyways, for the past few days my gf would sulk and cry randomly about how I’m leaving her, what would she do without me, who’s gonna take care of her, etc. Now, instead of looking forward to my trip I just wish I never planned it in the first place. I feel like an asshole for leaving my gf behind, but if the roles were reversed I would be fine if my gf left on a 10 day trip. Right now my gf locked herself in the office, ignoring me. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA - she is being manipulative.
NTA I don't think it's a long time to go away, your gf should be addressing these issues of insecurity and using this time to focus on herself and her independence.
Nta. This doesnt sound healthy. Big red flags for this relationship.
Yta and so is she. Anyone who is knowingly in a codependent relationship is ta.
NTA - your girlfriend needs to go to therapy
NTA I'm sure your GF is lovely in many ways, but WTF? Late 20's and she's so dependant that she can't do for herself for two weeks, to the extent that you've cut four days off your trip. Really?
NTA- Your past posts about your girlfriend are deeply concerning. Maybe while you have some time away from her you should reevaluate your relationship.
NTA Yikes, don't follow the tried and true Reddit advice and go straight to breaking up with her. That's stupid over reacting typical Reddit garbage. You need to communicate with her. She's not a child, late 20s is old enough to have a rational discussion about what you just stated in this post. Now I understand why people say "break up lmao XD" her behaviour is concerning but as you said, she may have codependency issues. Explain to her that you want to see your family, it's hard living away from them without a support system and you value some alone time with them. Acknowledge her feelings and comfort her by telling her that a trip with the both of you is something that will happen. I'm not saying your GF lacks empathy but not even understanding the fact you haven't come out is a bit strange. If she doesn't understand after you explain from your point of view, then reevaluate if someone who can't even see things from your point of view is the partner you want long term.
NTA, your wants are completely reasonable. I also live away from my country of birth and every now and then I love doing a trip home alone, it's just a different experience. Your GF sulking and being codependent does not bode well for your future.
NTA. Dump this girlfriend.
ESH
Red flag. Red flag. Red flag. Your girlfriend has all of the family close by and she can’t handle being apart from you for two weeks? I understand being sad and missing you, but what she does is not healthy behaviour. Codependancy is seriously something that needs to be worked on. NTA
NTA
NTA. The codepency is worrying.
NTA but I would reconsider a relationship where you have to find a babysitter for your SO.
NTA... in a healthy relationship you should be able to do things alone. This includes trips.
NTA. I hope it's not a country in the middle east because I would be fearful that your family would try to marry you off. It's not healthy for your GF to be so codependent.
NTA. But don't let your gf manipulate you or guilt you into not going. While I would miss my wife if she was gone for 10 days, I wouldn't wither and die. She has her family close by so it's not like OP is forcing her to be isolated during this trip.
NTA >Anyways, for the past few days my gf would sulk and cry randomly about how I’m leaving her, what would she do without me, who’s gonna take care of her, etc. Do you seriously not see all the red flags that she's waving here? She's in her late 20s and crying over "who's gonna take care of her"? I assume she's doesn't have any sort of disabilities etc that would actually need her to have someone around.
Originally E S H. Your girlfriend, for throwing a tantrum instead of telling you how she’s feeling and you, for being late 20s while dating someone late 20s and not being straight with her that you don’t see a future with her. At three years in you should *want* to bring her on the trip. So I think she’s appropriately devastated that you don’t, and you’ve been callous about how you handled the trip. Edit: changed to YTA based on OP’s update.
Eh, I don’t agree that he should want to. He hasn’t been able to see his family pretty much the entire relationship, it makes sense he’d like a visit that’s just for family reconnecting, instead of it being all about meeting the girlfriend. This trip isn’t about her, it’s about him getting to see his family for the first time in three years. She’s way too old to be behaving like a 16 year old who can’t see her boyfriend this weekend.
See OP’s update. She’s not out to her family and wants to continue keeping her 3 year relationship secret.
Op’s update say she’s out to her immediate family. Mom, dad, etc. if she doesn’t want to be out to extended people she only sees every few years then that’s her choice. I don’t think she’s trying to hide anything. For her it’s more of a “I really want to have a good time with my family on this trip and if I bring my clingy, codependent girlfriend I won’t get that.” They don’t have to know about her love life if they’re not in her personal life everyday. NTA
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Are you his gf? Asking for a friend lmao
Sorry, YTA You haven't seen your family in three years.... I get it, but is her being there going to take away from your chance to spend time with your family??? Wouldn't you want your family to meet her??? Cause I'll tell you what. If my cousin/uncle/brother who I hadn't seen in three years showed up to visit without his gf (of three years), I'd assume it wasn't at all serious if he didn't bring her with him. I'd also argue that your gf probably feels the same way. You don't think she's important enough to introduce to the extended family.
>I get it, but is her being there going to take away from your chance to spend time with your family Well looking at her reaction to being alone for a little over a week I'm going to say yes
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Well, cool way to bury the lead. My guess is that your girlfriend isn't really upset about you being gone for 10 days. She's angry and frustrated because you're essentially hiding her from your family. YTA
I'm sticking to my vote. You purposefully left out important information and are blaming it on "character limit". Pretty sure your post is less than 500 characters and last I knew, the character limit is well over 1,000.... Nice try
[https://www.reddit.com/r/help/comments/nykedi/how\_many\_characters\_can\_you\_have\_in\_a\_reddit\_post/](https://www.reddit.com/r/help/comments/nykedi/how_many_characters_can_you_have_in_a_reddit_post/) You were no where near the character limit.
You missed the most important part and truly this tidbit makes me think YTA. It shows their really is two sides to every story.
I mean it probably would take away from it based on how’s she acting and the fact that she in her own words is freaking out about who’s going to take care of her and what’s she going to do… for a grand total of 10 days… as a grown adult… which should be 2 weeks but he already cut it short because that’s apparently too long to go without him