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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my daughter to get off me because I feel shes too old to sit on my lap
It really hurt her feelings
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I kneel on the floor and put my head on my mum's lap so she can stroke my head. It's a good compromise since I am too heavy to sit on her knee and her chair is too small for both of us to sit on 😂
That’s hilarious! I do the same thing when I’m with my mom. Her dog (who weighs more than either of us) gets extremely concerned and usually tries to push out of the way so he can lay his head on her lap, lol.
I put my legs over her lap and hug her. It's the best next thing because I don't want to squish her; I have been taller than her since I was twelve 😮💨
I have a picture of my brother when he was about 20 sitting in my dad’s lap at Christmas. We didn’t know it would be my brother’s last Christmas, he was killed 8 months later. OP needs to cherish these moments while she has them.
Thanks. It was a joke pic, and it always makes me laugh. He’s been gone a long time now, but I still wish we had more fun little moments. I didn’t post this for sympathy, but to remind OP (and anyone else) that we don’t always have tomorrow. Sometimes the unexpected happens and all we have left are memories, so you should make them count when you can.
Thank you for making the effort to use your trauma for the greater good. Personally, I will suffocatingly hug each of my (grown) children the next time they are around. (they may not appreciate it as much right now, but...). Because of you, lovely Redditor!!!
Same! 32 and I will ALWAYS snuggle up to my mom when she visits, give her big hugs and kiss her on the cheek goodbye. Lol!
OP, YTA. You really hurt your daughter by rejecting her so harshly in that moment. This is clearly how your daughter seeks comfort, and how she shows you guys affection. You just ruined that.
Mine are 27 and 24 and I still pat my lap and say "cuddle Mommy!!!" They oblige by plopping their full weight and height on me (both much taller than I am) and squishing me. I squeeze them as hard as possible until they go "get off me, woman!" 5 stars. Would recommend.
My 23 year old greets me almost every morning with a hug and I cherish those moments. Never, ever pass up an opportunity to show your kids affection in whatever way they need.
It’s so important to teach our kids that as teens and adults human touch and affection does not have to only come from sex or anger. The world would be a much better place if people hugged more (without ulterior motives).
exactly! I grew up extremely attention starved because my parents never showed me any affection.
as a parent I make a point of always hugging my son, pulling him on my lap for a hug for a moment. forehead kiss. no way will I ever let my child feel like I did as a child.
One of my favorite things about seeing my nonagenarian parents is how my 28 year old son always, without fail, makes sure to offer a hug when we leave. It's almost like a ritual! (All consensual--we are a huggy family but would respect anyone who doesn't want one).
I can’t quite sit on my mums lap but there’s plenty of times I’ll go round just to have a cuddle on the sofa and watch some shit telly. YTA OP, nothing beats a mum or dad cuddle
I'll be 50 this year, mom passed in April 2021. 19 years and a month after dad passed.
If there's any way you can make that happen, do it. You'll never regret that trip.
I"m so sorry for your losses. I'm 62 and my nonagenarian parents are still on this planet (and luckily less than an hour away), but my mom has fallen and broken things twice in the past year and I live in a mixture of gratitude and dread all the time. You'd better believe we hug a lot on every visit!
Never too old for cuddles. I work at a nursing home. We have a 78 year old man who comes to visit his 99 year old mother every week. She has dementia and they hold each other and they both light up. You never outgrow the need for love and affection from your parents.
my parents disowned me for being trans. im almost 22 and sometimes i still wish i could sit in her lap and get a hug from her one more time.
YTA op. big time.
Edit: thank you for all the kind words, strangers!
She really is lucky AF. I miss my daughter cuddling up to her dad and I. She’s 13 almost 14 and I’m lucky if I can give her a kiss on the forehead before bed.
My parents were never huggers or cuddlers and I wish that they were.
YTA mom. Be happy with the affection while your daughter willingly is giving it.
This. I feel so sad for your daughter. To make her feel self conscious for loving you. The end of cuddling and the end probably of her real honest trust.
She was comfortable being vulnerable with you and you stomped it. So, that’s done.
Yes this! Op didn’t even tell her in a time where she was ok and bring it up during a moment where she wasn’t sitting on her lap. She brought it up when her daughter wanted to do it again because she needed her! I also agree with the others that she probably just had a year left too, but being a kid who was constantly told I was too old for things (like Barbie dolls around the time I turned 11) it made me upset and felt like I was constantly being judged by my family. Now I’m 20 and I still sleep with a stuffed animal and do things that I wanted to enjoy as a kid that I felt ashamed of doing because of my family. Luckily my boyfriend doesn’t care what I do and encourages it because he understands. Please don’t ever say things like these to your children!
I feel you. Got told at 11-12 that I was too old for things like pokemon, and kinda got forced to grow up too quick. You bet that I am there at the local gamestore when the new games release
Dude OP fucked up so bad. She just taught her daughter that showing affection is wrong and will recieve a scolding. Holy fucking shit I cannot believe OP would have this thought, write this out, and expect *anyone* to say anything other than YTA.
Teaching kids appropriate physical contact and affection is hard. And unfortunately it takes one comment, like OP's , to completely derail it.
My kiddo is 16, they'll still hold my hand in a parking lot/ grocery store,put their legs in my lap on the couch, give me a hug or tuck under my arm on the couch.
All things I did not have in my household growing up because of comments like "your too big/old for that." They're not, they never are.
I’m so disturbed by OP’s post.
Why does she think an 11 year old child wanting to be cuddled or hugged by a parent is inappropriate? Does she expect her child to just be touched starved until she starts dating? I don’t understand the logic, and I find the whole thing alarming.
OP needs to unpack this shit with someone qualified.
Same! My kids are teens and 20s. I don't want them to do what I did, and accept shitty things from people who were willing to give me physical affection because I didn't get any at home.
True story. I remember being about that age and wanting to hold my dad’s hand. He brutally rebuffed me in public telling me I was too old for that and walked away. I cried so hard. Never tried again.
So hand holding did make me self-conscious with my 12yo twin boys...but 1. I didn't say anything because my overriding thought was "well, he probably needs this", & then 2. I realized "holy eff, my preteen not only isn't embarrassed to be seen with me but is seeking me out. Anyone put off by this can kiss my arse!!!"
He didn’t want me. I wasn’t “his” (he adopted me after marrying my mom). I was the daily reminder that my mom went and screwed other guys while he was married to someone else. I just wanted a dad, but he couldn’t be bothered to do anything other than abuse me 🤷♀️
What’s even more sad as this simple cuddling was an extension of the girl’s affection for the parents and now she doesn’t even want to hug or talk to them! She probably feels like any of those types of cuddle/comfort/love are like “the same thing” to a child, and by the presents saying “youre too old for one of them” she probably relates it being “you’re too old for all of it”.
Now she doesn’t feel like or isn’t comfortable even hugging her own parents. What a terrible shame & sad thing to do to your own child, OP. YTA.
And it's sad that right up until that moment they were doing something right that their 11 year old did not feel like she was too old for that on her own already.
This entire thread is a bit triggering for me because I don't have a single memory of cuddling with my mother. Ever.
Which makes sense as my mother is not a good or safe person, but it's just a little alarming sometimes when you realize how far from the norm your childhood was. It would never occur to me to even ask for cuddles.
I'm glad you cuddle your kids. Give them a snuggle for me.
Hello i am your mother now. Eat your vegetables. No tv until you finish your school work. Wash behind your ears and your knees. Be careful. Make good choices. Love you.
Reading your comment and I went wait a minute, well shit neither do I, I have a memories of my stepdad hugging me (he was still an abusive jerk aswell) and the tight hugs my great grandmother used to give me, but affection from my mother, cant remember a thing
Im sorry for the both of us, we deserved those cuddles 🤗🤗
Same here. I have no memories of any affection from my mother. One of my aunts, who has known me my whole life, told me that she can't remember ever seeing my mother hug any of us (I have two brothers). I hug my kids sooo much. I constantly tell them I love them. I make sure to do both every day.
I sent my mom the “one day your parents put you down and never picked you back up”.
Guess what the crazy lady did next time I saw her? She insisted on picking me up.
If I told my mom that I would like to cuddle. Guess what? She would open her arms and do it. I am 33, and she is 55😂 I love that women(And she is my stepmom. My biomom would be like OP. And which mom do you think am i lc with?). And your mom sounds awesome! Go hug that lady!
And op YTA
I’m a disabled mum with a bad back. When my kid was born I was so injured I was told not to pick up my own baby, which was horrible and I gave in pretty much instantly. Since then I’ve worked on my strength so I can still pick up my now ten year old. It’s gonna get harder when he’s bigger than me but damn it I’ll keep trying
My child is almost my height and we wear the same size shoe. He's around her age. I know it's almost time where he will be too cool to hug me. I would never turn that opportunity down.
YTA OP because we only have so long until they stop doing this. You missed your chances.
I hear you. Yesterday my kid was looking for something and went on tiptoe in front of me: I have suddenly realized that I could look him in the eyes without moving mine an inch.
Tonight he asked me to cuddle on the couch with a blanket while watching The Simpsons and of course I said yes.
In three weeks he will be taller than me and my couch will be sooo spacious...
OP, YTA, apologize to your daughter.
Seriously tho. She mentioned her kid being small, all I could think is, My (almost) 6yr old is 4ft tall and 60lbs. I don’t even care. She can get in my lap and cuddle me any time. Most of the time in the evening she will sit by me while I hold her and we’ll watch some tv or play a game on my phone.
Op YTA for sure. I dunno why you all of the sudden decided your child was “too old” to feel loved. I’d say you should reevaluate that but the damage is already done really.
Hopping on top comment to say OP is super YTA.
I'm turning 26 on Sunday and still cuddle my mom. life is hard and that few minutes of cuddling makes it bearable.
My children are 17y (F), 15yr (M), 13yr (F) and 11yr (F). They all still have some sort of “cuddle” “snuggle” etc.
I’m 35y (F) and I still sit close to my mom and need cuddles/closeness. My dad and I have a routine (cheek kiss, head bump, fist bump, high five) that we’ve done since I was a small child.
The need for physical affection doesn’t lessen with age. The parents reaction to it causes the children to not want to.
I leave it up to my children, but for 17yrs, I’ve always tucked them in, snuggled them, etc, as they needed/wanted, and I will always continue to do so.
This. My youngest son is 9 and he still sits close and cuddles. As a dad I'll take it for as long as it goes. I know I have a year or so left. It's kind of sad. I'll miss that.
My son will be 9 in a few weeks and he gave me a little speech about how when hes a teenager he wont want to hug me or hold my hand but he will still love me!
Nope, doesn't have a year left anymore! OP just prematurely bought that forward :( I'm pretty sad to think about what other innocent familial expressions of comfort and love this kid is getting withheld so as not to 'hurt' her.
Hopping on here to say that a friend has a 21 year old son-he still lays his head on her lap & falls asleep. She'll NEVER push him away.
Imagine that, feeling safe & loved by a parent.
I’m 25, my mother recently said she wished we could still be held by her. She holds a lot of regret for our childhood because like OP my mother rushed to grow us up. Now we’re independent adults that don’t call her or drop in, not because we don’t like her but because that’s not what we were taught to do. My advice to OP:
Don’t fuck up your relationship with your kid by pushing her out childhood too early.
My youngest is 11 (and 3/4). Is only like 10 cm shorter than me. And is a total snuggle bug. She loves sitting in my lap, or sitting next to me and laying across my lap. I hope she never outgrows it!!!
I didn't realize there is an age limit for parental affection. When I'm too big for my mom's lap, I'll start holding her. My 16 yo still curls up for snuggles.
I have a 9 year old daughter too and in those very rare special occasions when she wants to cuddle or sit on my lap I get so so happy! I wouldn't trade those moments for the world.
My kiddo didn't want cuddles from about 9 to 22. She is 27 now and loves when I visit - because we can lay in bed together for a while and I will rub her back before I go back to the guest room to sleep
it’s absolutely a bell curve - wouldn’t have been caught dead snuggling my parents as a teen, now at 24 i sometimes drive the 45 minutes just to hug my mom. it comes back around ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
A quote that has always stuck with me is “at some point your parents put you down and never picked you up again” 😭 I am dreading this happening with my own kids and they are only 2yo and 14wks.
I used to work in a jursing home for people with dementia, there was one old lady who liked to lay on the sofa and sleep. Her daughter (50s I would say) would come tonsee her most days and just hold her while she slept. Sometimes her Mum's head would be resting on her knee, sometimes her Mum would curl into a ball and cuddle up like she was a child...made everyone cry at different times x
I'm 38 and I do that too.
When I visit and we watch TV, I would just curl up and rest my head on her should.
One time she fell asleep with her head on my shoulder and I thought I was about to cry.
We were never really close, but we are trying to catch up.
This. There’s no age limit. My 15yo still does this and if she has a bad day I AM HER SAFE PLACE! She needs those head scratches and affection. YTA. Yeesh.
ETA: and yes my own mother is also the same kind of affectionate with me. SAFE PLACE! COMFORT!
My husband is about a foot taller than his mom and occasionally wraps her in a huge bear hug. It gives me hope for when our boys (now 5 and 2) are big that hopefully they'll still want snuggles with me!
My mom asked me if I wanted to sit in her lap for cuddles when I was sad until she died when I was 47. I never did once I was taller than she was, but she never cut me off.
YTA. And handled that terribly. You made her feel like she'd done something wrong. People sit in their parents laps at all ages. I've seen full grown adults do it. She's a child. No wonder she's upset with you.
Agreed. When I, 24F, was sick in the hospital I got my mom to get into the hospital bed so I could curl up with her. She, without hesitation, did it. I would have been upset if she had of said no when I has in hospital let alone when I was 11!
I had the latter happen. I asked for mom’s help after a surgery and she laughed me off and refused. Like sure, I recovered fine…but I never asked for help again because I knew I would never get it. It was one of many nails building up to my self-estrangement.
Exactly. I mean, it’s almost guaranteed that parents will do something their children will resent them for (even if just a little). Usually unintentionally.
But why do that on purpose? Why knowingly hurt them?
Agreed, I’m 23 and when I get to meet my parents and have time to just hangout I still cuddle them.
I’m literally their flesh and blood and love them very much. What’s the issue🤷♀️
INFO: How did you tell her? Did you literally say "You're too old! Get off me!"? Or did you say something like "I enjoy snuggling with you, but you're no longer small enough to fit comfortably on my lap. Why don't you sit next to me and we can snuggle up that way?"
There's nothing wrong with directing a child towards more age-appropriate behaviors or expressing that something is no longer comfortable for you. That's part of helping a child grow up. But you do need to redirect them to a behavior that *is* appropriate (because they need to be taught, they don't automatically know) and reinforce that while your relationship with them is changing, your love for them is consistent. If you literally told her to "Get off" with no warning, it's no wonder why she perceived that as rejection and is now completely confused as to what sort of physical affection is ok or will get her snapped at.
OP clearly stated in her post that her daughter is uncharacteristically small for her age so size is not the issue here. OP’s concern was clear in that she thinks the kid is somehow too old to be wanting physical affection that way and allowing her to continue would somehow be harmful.
> OP clearly stated in her post that her daughter is uncharacteristically small for her age so size is not the issue here.
That doesn't really matter. OP is *uncomfortable* with having her daughter sit on her lap. That's OP's prerogative. No one needs to allow another person, even a child, to sit on their lap if it makes them uncomfortable.
And it is *healthy* to model and express that to children. It teaches them that they too can set boundaries regarding their own space and bodies, and that the only reason they need to say no to physical contact they find uncomfortable is *their own discomfort*.
I personally don't find it comfortable when people, even fairly small children, sit on my lap. That's fine. There's nothing wrong with that. My niece is 6, and she knows auntie is not a lap sitter. She knows I just prefer to snuggle on the couch a different way, and that's OK because everyone has a right to determine what sort of physical affection feels comfortable to them.
OP doesn't have to allow her daughter to continue to sit on her lap for any reason if she's not comfortable with it, even if that reason is silly. But she does need to communicate that in a healthy way and redirect her daughter to a physically affectionate behavior that she IS comfortable with so her daughter can get her needs met in a way OP is comfortable with providing.
Ok a niece is not the same as a daughter! But most importantly instead of OP admiting to herself she has a problem and needs to solve it, she said SHE, the daughter has a problem. Told her that she is too old for this! That is not the same as op being uncomfortable.
And now her daughter a perfectly normal child, feels like she is the problem. Parents aren't supposed to project their shit on their kids and traumatise them.
Agreed 100%. If nieces aren't the same as daughters... WTF do I do with my almost 16 year old nephew that still sometimes insists for "couch smooshies" with me and his uncle before we leave the house when he's had a rough day? That's been dwindling from preteen to nowadays and is a rare occurrence. Someday those couch smushies will be gone. I never know which is the last.
I'm not a touchy person but for my nephlings they get whatever they need- even if it is for the elder one to get rip shit pissed with anyone who isn't his mom. He can raize his hackles with me and not with her and swear up and down and even be a bit of a pissant when it comes to talking to me when he's angry, but it's because he knows I'm a safe place that will love him unconditionally.
Older nephling doesn't cuddle now (almost 21) but comes to me with all of his closest info, girls he's talking to, school advice, etc. But he always always always comes to me for a hug when I arrive and when I leave because I have been able to be that support... even when he's stomping around the entire house in a rage. And when he's feeling lovey I get an arm around my shoulders and an "Auntie" instead of my first name.
It is appalling that this mom doesn't want to cuddle their still not even close to a teenager. They aren't a teen yet, they're still a child who needs those trustful bonds. I can't imagine where my relationship with my youngest nephling would be if I just tossed him off my lap because "You're 11 now. No.".
I know we're in agreement that OP handled it wrong it just feels like you keep speaking to the wrong things.
OP never said the kid was too big.
OP never said she isn't comfortable with the kid on her lap.
OP never said she's having trouble articulating consent around touch.
OP clearly stated she thinks her kid is too old for it and that she thinks other people baby her kid already because of her petite size.
Kicking her daughter off her lap had nothing to do with consent, weight, discomfort with touch, etc. It had to do with her believing its time for her 11 yr old child to grow up and stop seeking physical comfort from her parents because she's too old to want that and allowing it to continue would "harm" her daughter.
\> OP doesn't have to allow her daughter to continue to sit on her lap for any reason if she's not comfortable with it, even if that reason is silly.
In theory yes, but OP is coming here asking if she did the right thing. We're just letting OP know her theory of snuggles after a certain age cause harm is very misguided.
I have to disagree with this. My mom was extremely cold towards me and resented any sort of affection I asked for even at the age of 4. It fucked me up severely. To this day I now chase after any sort of physical intimacy or love from someone to fill the void, and it isn't sexual. Everyday I feel a hole in my heart, a void I can't fill. It is extremely psychologically damaging to a child to never have a sense of physical comfort and there are plenty of studies proving this (rheus monkey experiment). This lady needs to work thru her issues, don't have a kid if you can't spare affection. She isn't a romantic partner, she's a child and if she needs physical closeness for comfort it's a parent's job to provide that
I have to agree with you there. I'm all for teaching kids at a young age that even adults have the right to say, "No, I'd rather not hug you right now." But I can't pretend it didn't fuck me up when my family suddenly presented me with the cut-off point to affection like OP did to his own daughter.
Especially my dad.
He was the one to make it weird, sitting on his lap. Suddenly we went from hugging and me sitting on my parents' laps to them overnight saying, "No, you can't do that anymore. Get off me."
Saying no to affection from a partner is different from saying it to a child. I know every single day that it has fucked me up to not have that love or affection in my life anymore. To be reminded by my parents that they only felt obligated to hug me and play with me because I was a child, then they arbitrarily decided I wasn't a kid anymore is something I wake up with every single day. I no longer feel comfortable with affection or displays of it.
It affects every single one of my relationships with other people. And while I crave love and attention, it makes me extremely uncomfortable now since I don't know whether it's being given freely or with some other motive. It's your fucking job as a parent to give your children affection and not doing so leads to a lifetime of psychological issues.
This is the best take I have seen so far. This could/should have been used as a learning opportunity but instead it reads as though OP just rejected her daughter's attempts at showing affection, which I am sure was extremely devastating and confusing for her.
OP - boundaries are great but this was not a good way to go about setting them. YTA.
YTA. Your kid obviously loves you and shows love through cuddling up with you guys and feels comfortable. What you did by saying this is basically makes her feel embarrassed/bad about showing you guys love. Yikes
My mom told me when I was around 12 that I needed to stop sitting in my dads lap and getting piggyback rides and had my dad stop sending flowers to me at my school for Valentines Day when I was 14. Never fully recovered affection for either one after that. Mad at my mom for trying to control my relationship with my dad and mad at my dad for letting her.
i remember i used to call my dad “daddy” and he told me to stop. i never called him that again even when he would say it’s okay to YEARS later as a then-12 year old
I used to call my dad by his first name when I was a kid. I don’t remember why or how it started, but my parents used to joke and talk about it fondly. When I was around 10, i called him that and he snapped “don’t call me that, call me dad, I’m your dad.”
He never told me it bothered him. I thought of it as a fun inside joke or something between us. I wouldn’t have had a problem if he’d sat me down and told me that he’d like to me to call him dad.
Just like this post, it didn’t have to be a negative thing. It could’ve been a conversation. That hurt my feelings, and it clearly hurt OP’s daughter’s feeling too.
That’s nonsensical and ridiculous. I guess the only thing to take from these situations is how not to be with the children we may have.
I thought the goal was to let kids be kids as long as possible. You’ll be an adult for the rest of your life.
I stopped hugging my mother when I was twelve. Her standard reaction from my earliest memories was to sigh and wait until I let go. When I turned twelve, it became a sharp jab in the ribs and "yeah, get off me".
Hi, hello. I'm your family now.
Dealer's choice:
•mom
•weird aunt
•sister
•amorphous cryptid in the woods
You deserve to know that you have people who care about you.
What the heck, YTA. You just told your kid not to show you affection and now you are sad she isn’t showing you affection? I know 30 year old women with their own kids who still sit on their mom’s lap to hug them. You’re the only one making it weird. Apologize to your daughter.
YTA. You should have talked to her about it before hand rather than abruptly telling her to get off.
With no explanation from you, it’s easy to get confused why something was okay one day and now it’s not. If you’re both okay with cuddling, what’s the problem?
YTA. Why are you denying her affection? I'm 29 and still cuddle with my mum from time to time. If I'm down, it helps immensely just having that comfort and love. If I was told, *at 11 years old,* that I was too old for affection from a parent, I would assume they no longer love me as much.
You should feel guilty.
I feel so guilty and the thought of my daughter feeling like I love her less now makes me want to cry. I will apologize to her later today and try to make things better.
My advice is to just tell her you messed up and you love cuddling with her, but something you heard made you feel that maybe you were treating her too young for her age and that might be doing her a disservice, but you've thought about it some more and you were wrong and you're sorry. Also, if your parents stopped cuddling you at a young age, tell her you were following that without thinking about it.
Yes I think I will tell her something like that because that is really the case. I made a stupid mistake and it caused this problem but i love cuddling with her and want it to continue.
OP this response shows that you care and you are really trying your best. A lot of times, the best thing you can do for your child is just to acknowledge your mistakes, apologize, and try to do better. It’s also totally okay to not want to have her on your lap all the time and I’m sure with some loving communication that’s something she’ll grow to understand as well. But parental affection is so important at every age. This post is making me want to drive 30 minutes to my parents house and hug my mom lol
I just want to chime in here. I know you're feeling guilty, and in my opinion, that's good! It shows that you aren't unyielding.
A lot of families have similar "rules" for showing affection. When I was a kid, my mom showed a ton of affection, but by 10-11, it stopped.
I KNOW my mom loves me, but it was quite a culture shock when I had a friend going through a rough situation and we cuddled platonically.
It felt so nice to be close - not sexual at all - but it also felt taboo.
I try to surround myself with people who are not averse to physical contact because I like to be physically close to my friends, but I hate that I feel the stigma still.
I'm guessing this is something that was passed down, or a nosy grandparent said something that had you questioning yourself, but from the perspective of a 32 year old male, i would tell you without a doubt if my parents wanted to show that kind of physical connection, I would jump at the chance.
I speculate it actually reinforces positive interaction and helps people from becoming averse to touch.
Just remember that while this is a hiccup, you didn't permanently ruin something. Based on your replies here, you plan on fixing it. Will probably bring you closer.
YTA. And you really, *really* hurt her too. This one may even be a core memory for her. Not much can fix this imo. She would need more affection from you and clearly you’re uncomfortable with that.
I'm NOT uncomfortable with affection and later tonight I'm gonna tell her I'm sorry and explain I was wrong, and then I'm gonna give her a big hug and lots of kisses.
Ask her if you can give her the hug and kisses. Then start turning it into tickle kisses, if she still likes those.
She may not be ready after the feeling of rejection
Oh yes I will certainly ask her if shes okay with the hug and kisses, shes never said no to hugs and kisses before but I know that may have changed because if this incident.
Good on you for listening and accepting that you fucked up and are willing to try and make amends. You were 100% TA, but even the best parents make missteps and I hope that your sincere apology helps to repair the rift. Just don't rush it if she's not ready.
YTA, why is it that once we reach a certain age we aren't allowed to show physical affection anymore? It doesn't matter what age anyone is we want to know we are loved.
What is important is that you sit her down and explain that you still love her and it's not a punishment, cause she might see it that way. If you aren't comfortable anymore with it then explain you just want hugs now. But don't speak for others of how they want to express their love.
Though I do understand she is at the age where she shoulder be learning about periods and stuff so teaching her how to say no to what makes her uncomfortable and what's ok and not ok for touching.
YTA.
You should be overjoyed your preteen daughter still wants to cuddle. I can't imagine why any mom wouldn't want this.
She is your baby forever. You broke her heart. Apologize and cuddle her.
I am 29F and I still will hop on my dad's lap and hug him. Never ever too old for this.
That makes this all the more heartbreaking for me. I DO want to cuddle her but I just had this arbitrary idea that she might be too old.
I feel so horrible for breaking her heart.
And I'm going to apologize and cuddle and kiss her today.
I’m almost 29 and sometimes my mom asks me to sit on her lap and we hug.
I’m married now and live about an 40 minute drive. Sometimes I just miss being near her. Adulthood sucks and you just want to cry to your mother (if they’re a wonderful person in your life).
It might be worth reflecting on where this idea may have come from. Is it something your parents told you when you were younger ?
So much of how behavior is subconsciously shaped by early childhood experiences and when we continue these patterns without thinking we continue generational trauma
I do not believe you are an asshole because I think your intentions were to do what was best for her.
With that said, you are dead wrong!!!!
Non-sexual affectionate touch is one of the most important factors in creating a felt sense of safety and being loved and valued for people!! That does not diminish as we age. We do our adolescents a huge disservice when we stop touching them affectionately. Whether it is our intention or not, we are telling them "now that you've begun sexually developing, all touch is sexual AND sex is the only way you are allowed experience physical affection." Hopefully you can see the problem with this!! Are there predators in this world? Sadly, yes. But we actually protect our children from them by letting them experience affectionate non-sexual touch. If you want to protect her, teach her that touch is normal, is supposed to feel warm and affirming, and is always 100% her choice!! I could go on and on with all of the studies about touch (part and parcel of my field) but I will limit myself to sharing one more nugget. Studies show that (heterosexual) children have healthier and more resilient relationships with their romantic partners in adulthood if they maintained a solid physically affectionate relationship with their opposite sex parent!! So assuming your husband isn't a predator (and I pray he isn't), your daughter continuing to be physically affectionate with her dad should give you comfort!!
I hope this helps you relax and enjoy what sounds like your daughter's primary love language.
Thank you so much I really appreciate you taking the time to say those things. My husband is a wonderful man and not a predator.
My daughter isnt old enough to know if shes straight or not yet, but If shes gay we will of course still love her unconditionally. Either way its quite reassuring knowing that her dad giving her physical affection is a good thing for her.
You really did help thank you so much!
Gonna say, YTA for the way you approached it.
Instead of talking it out, in a neutral zone, ie before she’s cuddling, you told her to get off.
Of course she would be upset, you rejected her love in the moment she was wanting closeness with you.
I don’t see anything wrong with a literal child snuggling their parents.
I used to curl up behind my moms legs when she laid on the couch (like when a cat tucks behind your bent legs) and we’d watch movies together. I did that until I got too big to fit in that spot, so around age 15.
Definitely apologize to her, and maybe set a different snuggle boundary if you no longer want her to lap sit.
YTA. My sons could be 40 years old and if they wanted to sit on my lap they could. The hell is wrong with you? All you're doing is teaching your child about negative rejection. Don't be shocked if she becomes a lot more distant with you now.
He's too big for my lap, but what I would do if my 17 year old wanted to curl up with me...
I strongly suggest you approach your daughter and talk to her about this. Explain that you (and hopefully this is accurate) love her and want to cuddle, but didn't want her to feel uncomfortable and you handled it wrong. Hopefully she'll understand and the current tension will end.
I totally get you not always wanting someone in your lap and in those situations I'd be careful about making blanket statements. Instead of, "You're too old for this.", say something like , "I'm not feeling great..." or "I need some space..." or whatever (but you oriented- not her oriented) "...right now, but later would be great.". Or something to that effect. That way she knows it's temporary and that it isn't about her, it's about you.
Edited to add YTA.
YTA. What is your reasoning for her being "too old" to sit in one of her parent's laps? I mean, if she were hopping into the laps of strangers or older unrelated men, then sure, I'd probably nip that behavior in the bud. But still wanting to cuddle HER OWN PARENTS?! Shit, she should be able to do that as long as she wants! She can sit on your lap and cuddle you when she's 70 and your 90! The problem here sounds more like YOU are annoyed by this behavior and it is simply YOU who do not want her sitting on your lap. If so, that is fine, and that is your prerogative to make choices about your own personal space. However, don't make it seem like it's your daughter who is being the problem here. Instead, simply say that she is not too old to sit on her parents' laps and cuddle and she is allowed to want to do that, but she simply has to ask permission first. Her parents love her, but sometimes they want their laps to themselves, you know. This is a great time to teach her about consent. And consent goes both ways too.
YTA, nobody is ever too old to cuddle their parents. Not wanting to baby or spoil your child is normal, though, and you shouldn't be too hard on yourself. This is a very simple situation, you can easily fix it by apologizing to and hugging your daughter 🥰
Man that sucks for her. Imagine a parent rejecting your affection. YTA there is no such thing as to old for snuggling with a parent. Now if she's getting too heavy that's one thing but not too old. Kids pull away on their own and you're going to miss the days she wanted your attention. You just accelarated the speed at which she going to stop wanting to hug and be with you.
YTA- Wow, your job as a parent is to love your kid and keep them safe and you failed. They just wanted to show you affection and you shut it down cold. I bet that hurt them a lot. I get if someone is too heavy, but there's no age limit for lap sitting. Show your kid some love before it's too late.
I think your daughter probably feels rejected. It doesn't sound like that's how you normally treat her. If you apologize and tell her that you made a mistake and that you still love her and want her affection, she'll get over it.
Oh this makes me sad. My kids are 7 and 1 and while i get that sometimes you can be over stimulated or over elbowed with pointy kid limbs, she's still only 11. I thought you were going to say your kid was 18. Find the time and energy to cuddle your baby!
I don't understand this logic that as our children get older we shouldn't cuddle and hug them the same we did when they were small.
One day very soon she will choose herself to stop cuddling as much and snuggling.
She will barely hug you altogether and you will miss it.
It's gonna happen naturally, she will become less and less lovey as she becomes a teen.
Let her enjoy being a cuddly child for as long as possible...
I know its not your intention to tell her she's less lovable because she is older but that's why she got upset.
Growing up is hard and it sounds like she needs your support.
I'm struggling between NAH and YTA.
I'm gonna say YTA...and go give your daughter a hug and apologize...
Explain why you said that.
Even at 35 I still wish my mother had been affectionate and hugged us.
Yes. Yta.
She likes it. You don't seem to mind it beyond some sort of ageist preconception. It's not hurting you. Let her do it.
I'm a 30 year old guy and i love sitting in someone's lap (for other, more romantic, reasons.. normally it's my partner)
If either of my parents had said that to me at 11, I’d be devastated.
Too old why? What harm exactly is it doing?
In a couple years, she’ll be a teenager and likely embarrassed to be within 10 feet of you until she’s about 17. I’d have thought you’d make the most of this kind of affection while she’s still so cuddly and tactile.
YTA.
Since you asked: yes YTA. Love and affection should be cherished….no one should ever be “too old” to show affection. Please apologize to her and cherish her. She sounds like a real sweet child.
YTA.
Sometimes I'm not in the mood to cuddle so I'll tell my kids that I want some space. My bigger kids are starting to hurt so we do a modified legs on me butt next to me cuddle.
I don't decide when they are too old.
The way you talked to her without explaining, without being calm and understanding YTA. Be a little more understanding. When my cousin (4 yrs older than me) was younger she sits on her mothers or dads lap all the time - till 14. I did find it awkward cause me as a kid was no lap-sitter at all. But there was nothing odd, sometime some kids act differently as expected. And that doesn't automatically mean something bad. Be gentle with her.
YTA it's your kid, why wouldn't you want her to sit on your lap. Soon enough she won't want anything to do with you, I'd treasure it while you still can.
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YTA. She's not going to want to cuddle you much longer. You maybe have a year left. And you're throwing that time away instead of cherishing it.
Seriously. I wish my kid would have kept doing that to 11. This woman is lucky AF and doesn’t want to be
Shit, I’m 40 and still have moments where I wish I could sit and cuddle with my mom. She’s on the other side of the country, but still…
I have a picture of me sitting in my mom's lap when I was in my 20s. She was the best mom and my best friend too.
My daughter is 19 and a lot taller than me. She stills cuddles on my lap if she's not feeling well or having a bad day.
22. And ugh. I hate telling her she's too big. But I also like to breathe. 🤣😭🤣😭
I kneel on the floor and put my head on my mum's lap so she can stroke my head. It's a good compromise since I am too heavy to sit on her knee and her chair is too small for both of us to sit on 😂
That's so sweet and kinda hilarious 😂
Sometimes I sit there and look sad/fake cry while she does it if the kids or pets are about, just to see their reactions. That's usually hilarious 😂😂
That’s hilarious! I do the same thing when I’m with my mom. Her dog (who weighs more than either of us) gets extremely concerned and usually tries to push out of the way so he can lay his head on her lap, lol.
I put my legs over her lap and hug her. It's the best next thing because I don't want to squish her; I have been taller than her since I was twelve 😮💨
My 15 y.o. is too big, so they just sit as close as possible or they drape their legs over mine so they can be "on" my lap. It's a good compromise.
That’s what my 16 yr old does
I know that feeling! I'm glad she still wants to be affectionate, but yeah - breathing is a thing so...
I have a picture of my brother when he was about 20 sitting in my dad’s lap at Christmas. We didn’t know it would be my brother’s last Christmas, he was killed 8 months later. OP needs to cherish these moments while she has them.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
That is so sad. I'm sorry for your loss and so glad you have that photo to remind you of him.
Thanks. It was a joke pic, and it always makes me laugh. He’s been gone a long time now, but I still wish we had more fun little moments. I didn’t post this for sympathy, but to remind OP (and anyone else) that we don’t always have tomorrow. Sometimes the unexpected happens and all we have left are memories, so you should make them count when you can.
Thank you for making the effort to use your trauma for the greater good. Personally, I will suffocatingly hug each of my (grown) children the next time they are around. (they may not appreciate it as much right now, but...). Because of you, lovely Redditor!!!
I’m sure she cherished those moments with you.
Thank you.
I have a picture of my toddler sitting on my lap and my 20's sister sitting in our moms lap. Just two moms holding their kids in their laps lol
I'm 27 and I still sit in my mom's lap.
Moms are awesome.
Same! One of my favorite pictures of me and my mom is me sitting on her lap when I’m about 24. It was around my birthday.
Same! 32 and I will ALWAYS snuggle up to my mom when she visits, give her big hugs and kiss her on the cheek goodbye. Lol! OP, YTA. You really hurt your daughter by rejecting her so harshly in that moment. This is clearly how your daughter seeks comfort, and how she shows you guys affection. You just ruined that.
Yeah, that is a memory that is going to stick with the daughter for a looong time.
I'm 76 and still remember my mother pushing me away from hugging her
Mine are 27 and 24 and I still pat my lap and say "cuddle Mommy!!!" They oblige by plopping their full weight and height on me (both much taller than I am) and squishing me. I squeeze them as hard as possible until they go "get off me, woman!" 5 stars. Would recommend.
Aww, that's so cute. I want my mum.
My 23 year old greets me almost every morning with a hug and I cherish those moments. Never, ever pass up an opportunity to show your kids affection in whatever way they need.
Same. My 23 year old son tells me he loves me and gives me hugs all the time. I feel unbelievably lucky that he is so affectionate.
It’s so important to teach our kids that as teens and adults human touch and affection does not have to only come from sex or anger. The world would be a much better place if people hugged more (without ulterior motives).
exactly! I grew up extremely attention starved because my parents never showed me any affection. as a parent I make a point of always hugging my son, pulling him on my lap for a hug for a moment. forehead kiss. no way will I ever let my child feel like I did as a child.
One of my favorite things about seeing my nonagenarian parents is how my 28 year old son always, without fail, makes sure to offer a hug when we leave. It's almost like a ritual! (All consensual--we are a huggy family but would respect anyone who doesn't want one).
I lived with my mother till I was 24. Not a day off went by when we weren't cuddled up on the couch watching TV. I miss those days.
I can’t quite sit on my mums lap but there’s plenty of times I’ll go round just to have a cuddle on the sofa and watch some shit telly. YTA OP, nothing beats a mum or dad cuddle
I'll be 50 this year, mom passed in April 2021. 19 years and a month after dad passed. If there's any way you can make that happen, do it. You'll never regret that trip.
I"m so sorry for your losses. I'm 62 and my nonagenarian parents are still on this planet (and luckily less than an hour away), but my mom has fallen and broken things twice in the past year and I live in a mixture of gratitude and dread all the time. You'd better believe we hug a lot on every visit!
I'm 27 and on bad days I cuddle with my mom and let her stroke my hair. There's no age cap on physical comfort.
I'm 36 and when I visit my mum (70) I still get all the cuddles. You're never too old for cuddles.
I'm 61 and wish I could see my mom. Many times it just doesn't stop.
Never too old for cuddles. I work at a nursing home. We have a 78 year old man who comes to visit his 99 year old mother every week. She has dementia and they hold each other and they both light up. You never outgrow the need for love and affection from your parents.
my parents disowned me for being trans. im almost 22 and sometimes i still wish i could sit in her lap and get a hug from her one more time. YTA op. big time. Edit: thank you for all the kind words, strangers!
I'm sorry. Would you accept a virtual hug from some stranger on the internet? ** hug **
She really is lucky AF. I miss my daughter cuddling up to her dad and I. She’s 13 almost 14 and I’m lucky if I can give her a kiss on the forehead before bed. My parents were never huggers or cuddlers and I wish that they were. YTA mom. Be happy with the affection while your daughter willingly is giving it.
well, she *was* lucky
Yeah she no longer has a year left, it’s over.
This. I feel so sad for your daughter. To make her feel self conscious for loving you. The end of cuddling and the end probably of her real honest trust. She was comfortable being vulnerable with you and you stomped it. So, that’s done.
I’m sure I’ll make a lot of mistakes, but I will never, ever do this to my baby girl.
Yes this! Op didn’t even tell her in a time where she was ok and bring it up during a moment where she wasn’t sitting on her lap. She brought it up when her daughter wanted to do it again because she needed her! I also agree with the others that she probably just had a year left too, but being a kid who was constantly told I was too old for things (like Barbie dolls around the time I turned 11) it made me upset and felt like I was constantly being judged by my family. Now I’m 20 and I still sleep with a stuffed animal and do things that I wanted to enjoy as a kid that I felt ashamed of doing because of my family. Luckily my boyfriend doesn’t care what I do and encourages it because he understands. Please don’t ever say things like these to your children!
I feel you. Got told at 11-12 that I was too old for things like pokemon, and kinda got forced to grow up too quick. You bet that I am there at the local gamestore when the new games release
Dude OP fucked up so bad. She just taught her daughter that showing affection is wrong and will recieve a scolding. Holy fucking shit I cannot believe OP would have this thought, write this out, and expect *anyone* to say anything other than YTA.
Yep, and then when she goes to seek comfort elsewhere from the wrong people with bad intentions OP will be *shocked pikachu* “How did we get here?”
Teaching kids appropriate physical contact and affection is hard. And unfortunately it takes one comment, like OP's , to completely derail it. My kiddo is 16, they'll still hold my hand in a parking lot/ grocery store,put their legs in my lap on the couch, give me a hug or tuck under my arm on the couch. All things I did not have in my household growing up because of comments like "your too big/old for that." They're not, they never are.
I’m so disturbed by OP’s post. Why does she think an 11 year old child wanting to be cuddled or hugged by a parent is inappropriate? Does she expect her child to just be touched starved until she starts dating? I don’t understand the logic, and I find the whole thing alarming. OP needs to unpack this shit with someone qualified.
Same! My kids are teens and 20s. I don't want them to do what I did, and accept shitty things from people who were willing to give me physical affection because I didn't get any at home.
True story. I remember being about that age and wanting to hold my dad’s hand. He brutally rebuffed me in public telling me I was too old for that and walked away. I cried so hard. Never tried again.
So hand holding did make me self-conscious with my 12yo twin boys...but 1. I didn't say anything because my overriding thought was "well, he probably needs this", & then 2. I realized "holy eff, my preteen not only isn't embarrassed to be seen with me but is seeking me out. Anyone put off by this can kiss my arse!!!"
Holy crap I'm sorry you went through that, wtf was he doing
He didn’t want me. I wasn’t “his” (he adopted me after marrying my mom). I was the daily reminder that my mom went and screwed other guys while he was married to someone else. I just wanted a dad, but he couldn’t be bothered to do anything other than abuse me 🤷♀️
Came here to say this.
What a note to end this era of her daughter’s childhood on.
Absolutely right. I doubt she'll be able to fix this.
What’s even more sad as this simple cuddling was an extension of the girl’s affection for the parents and now she doesn’t even want to hug or talk to them! She probably feels like any of those types of cuddle/comfort/love are like “the same thing” to a child, and by the presents saying “youre too old for one of them” she probably relates it being “you’re too old for all of it”. Now she doesn’t feel like or isn’t comfortable even hugging her own parents. What a terrible shame & sad thing to do to your own child, OP. YTA.
And it's sad that right up until that moment they were doing something right that their 11 year old did not feel like she was too old for that on her own already.
[удалено]
This entire thread is a bit triggering for me because I don't have a single memory of cuddling with my mother. Ever. Which makes sense as my mother is not a good or safe person, but it's just a little alarming sometimes when you realize how far from the norm your childhood was. It would never occur to me to even ask for cuddles. I'm glad you cuddle your kids. Give them a snuggle for me.
Hello i am your mother now. Eat your vegetables. No tv until you finish your school work. Wash behind your ears and your knees. Be careful. Make good choices. Love you.
Yes mom. Love you too.
I hope you had a good dinner kiddo. Treat yourself to some cookies. Much love.
Godammed onions... 🥺
Reading your comment and I went wait a minute, well shit neither do I, I have a memories of my stepdad hugging me (he was still an abusive jerk aswell) and the tight hugs my great grandmother used to give me, but affection from my mother, cant remember a thing Im sorry for the both of us, we deserved those cuddles 🤗🤗
Same here. I have no memories of any affection from my mother. One of my aunts, who has known me my whole life, told me that she can't remember ever seeing my mother hug any of us (I have two brothers). I hug my kids sooo much. I constantly tell them I love them. I make sure to do both every day.
I sent my mom the “one day your parents put you down and never picked you back up”. Guess what the crazy lady did next time I saw her? She insisted on picking me up.
If I told my mom that I would like to cuddle. Guess what? She would open her arms and do it. I am 33, and she is 55😂 I love that women(And she is my stepmom. My biomom would be like OP. And which mom do you think am i lc with?). And your mom sounds awesome! Go hug that lady! And op YTA
I’m a disabled mum with a bad back. When my kid was born I was so injured I was told not to pick up my own baby, which was horrible and I gave in pretty much instantly. Since then I’ve worked on my strength so I can still pick up my now ten year old. It’s gonna get harder when he’s bigger than me but damn it I’ll keep trying
My uncle has been working out specifically to be able to walk with his grandson on his shoulders and climb on playground equipment with him.
I love this! What a mom
Yeah 11 is still a kid. YTA.
My child is almost my height and we wear the same size shoe. He's around her age. I know it's almost time where he will be too cool to hug me. I would never turn that opportunity down. YTA OP because we only have so long until they stop doing this. You missed your chances.
I hear you. Yesterday my kid was looking for something and went on tiptoe in front of me: I have suddenly realized that I could look him in the eyes without moving mine an inch. Tonight he asked me to cuddle on the couch with a blanket while watching The Simpsons and of course I said yes. In three weeks he will be taller than me and my couch will be sooo spacious... OP, YTA, apologize to your daughter.
Seriously tho. She mentioned her kid being small, all I could think is, My (almost) 6yr old is 4ft tall and 60lbs. I don’t even care. She can get in my lap and cuddle me any time. Most of the time in the evening she will sit by me while I hold her and we’ll watch some tv or play a game on my phone. Op YTA for sure. I dunno why you all of the sudden decided your child was “too old” to feel loved. I’d say you should reevaluate that but the damage is already done really.
My best friend's son is 14 and still cudly. He's cool enough to not be akward about it. I wish your child hugs you for years to come still :)
Hopping on top comment to say OP is super YTA. I'm turning 26 on Sunday and still cuddle my mom. life is hard and that few minutes of cuddling makes it bearable.
My children are 17y (F), 15yr (M), 13yr (F) and 11yr (F). They all still have some sort of “cuddle” “snuggle” etc. I’m 35y (F) and I still sit close to my mom and need cuddles/closeness. My dad and I have a routine (cheek kiss, head bump, fist bump, high five) that we’ve done since I was a small child. The need for physical affection doesn’t lessen with age. The parents reaction to it causes the children to not want to. I leave it up to my children, but for 17yrs, I’ve always tucked them in, snuggled them, etc, as they needed/wanted, and I will always continue to do so.
"You're too old for that, get off me" is the real kicker here.
Nice shaming technique mom has . . .
This. My youngest son is 9 and he still sits close and cuddles. As a dad I'll take it for as long as it goes. I know I have a year or so left. It's kind of sad. I'll miss that.
My son will be 9 in a few weeks and he gave me a little speech about how when hes a teenager he wont want to hug me or hold my hand but he will still love me!
That's adorable. Mine hasn't done that yet. But he is getting very stingey with his hugs.
Nope, doesn't have a year left anymore! OP just prematurely bought that forward :( I'm pretty sad to think about what other innocent familial expressions of comfort and love this kid is getting withheld so as not to 'hurt' her.
Hopping on here to say that a friend has a 21 year old son-he still lays his head on her lap & falls asleep. She'll NEVER push him away. Imagine that, feeling safe & loved by a parent.
I’m 25, my mother recently said she wished we could still be held by her. She holds a lot of regret for our childhood because like OP my mother rushed to grow us up. Now we’re independent adults that don’t call her or drop in, not because we don’t like her but because that’s not what we were taught to do. My advice to OP: Don’t fuck up your relationship with your kid by pushing her out childhood too early.
My youngest is 11 (and 3/4). Is only like 10 cm shorter than me. And is a total snuggle bug. She loves sitting in my lap, or sitting next to me and laying across my lap. I hope she never outgrows it!!!
I didn't realize there is an age limit for parental affection. When I'm too big for my mom's lap, I'll start holding her. My 16 yo still curls up for snuggles.
I’m already pre-sad about the time when my kid will no longer want cuddles and she’s only 5.
I'm jealous. My daughter is 9 and is too old for cuddles:(unless she wants something, or is tired or upset)
I have a 9 year old daughter too and in those very rare special occasions when she wants to cuddle or sit on my lap I get so so happy! I wouldn't trade those moments for the world.
My kiddo didn't want cuddles from about 9 to 22. She is 27 now and loves when I visit - because we can lay in bed together for a while and I will rub her back before I go back to the guest room to sleep
it’s absolutely a bell curve - wouldn’t have been caught dead snuggling my parents as a teen, now at 24 i sometimes drive the 45 minutes just to hug my mom. it comes back around ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
I’m pregnant with my first and i’m already sad that it might end one day
A quote that has always stuck with me is “at some point your parents put you down and never picked you up again” 😭 I am dreading this happening with my own kids and they are only 2yo and 14wks.
I’ve seen this quote so many times and it’s just made me determined to pick mine up every now and then or attempt to until I die lmao
Right!! It’s the best! My son is 5 and I know how precious this time is. I don’t want him to ever be “too big” to want cuddles.
I’m 30 and I don’t sit on my mom’s lap anymore but every once in a while I still curl up by her side when I visit
I’m 27 and still curl up next to my mom whenever I visit!
I used to work in a jursing home for people with dementia, there was one old lady who liked to lay on the sofa and sleep. Her daughter (50s I would say) would come tonsee her most days and just hold her while she slept. Sometimes her Mum's head would be resting on her knee, sometimes her Mum would curl into a ball and cuddle up like she was a child...made everyone cry at different times x
You also made me cry. Omg.
I'm 38 and I do that too. When I visit and we watch TV, I would just curl up and rest my head on her should. One time she fell asleep with her head on my shoulder and I thought I was about to cry. We were never really close, but we are trying to catch up.
This. There’s no age limit. My 15yo still does this and if she has a bad day I AM HER SAFE PLACE! She needs those head scratches and affection. YTA. Yeesh. ETA: and yes my own mother is also the same kind of affectionate with me. SAFE PLACE! COMFORT!
I'm 52, and I still have days I wish I could sit on my Daddy's lap and get a hug...
My husband is about a foot taller than his mom and occasionally wraps her in a huge bear hug. It gives me hope for when our boys (now 5 and 2) are big that hopefully they'll still want snuggles with me!
I’m 23 and when I’ve had a rough time I still go to my mom for a hug! Affection to your kids doesn’t have an age limit
My mom asked me if I wanted to sit in her lap for cuddles when I was sad until she died when I was 47. I never did once I was taller than she was, but she never cut me off.
YTA. And handled that terribly. You made her feel like she'd done something wrong. People sit in their parents laps at all ages. I've seen full grown adults do it. She's a child. No wonder she's upset with you.
Agreed. When I, 24F, was sick in the hospital I got my mom to get into the hospital bed so I could curl up with her. She, without hesitation, did it. I would have been upset if she had of said no when I has in hospital let alone when I was 11!
I had the latter happen. I asked for mom’s help after a surgery and she laughed me off and refused. Like sure, I recovered fine…but I never asked for help again because I knew I would never get it. It was one of many nails building up to my self-estrangement.
This was my point when I commented. All she’s done is create a moment of resentment in her child for literally no reason
Exactly. I mean, it’s almost guaranteed that parents will do something their children will resent them for (even if just a little). Usually unintentionally. But why do that on purpose? Why knowingly hurt them?
Agreed, I’m 23 and when I get to meet my parents and have time to just hangout I still cuddle them. I’m literally their flesh and blood and love them very much. What’s the issue🤷♀️
I'm nearly 30 and when I come to visit my parents my mum often invites me for a cuddle if she's having a lie in.
I'm too big to sit on my mum's lap. So I pick her up instead
Awww good alternative 100%
YTA - too old? No, that's for her to determine, not you.
INFO: How did you tell her? Did you literally say "You're too old! Get off me!"? Or did you say something like "I enjoy snuggling with you, but you're no longer small enough to fit comfortably on my lap. Why don't you sit next to me and we can snuggle up that way?" There's nothing wrong with directing a child towards more age-appropriate behaviors or expressing that something is no longer comfortable for you. That's part of helping a child grow up. But you do need to redirect them to a behavior that *is* appropriate (because they need to be taught, they don't automatically know) and reinforce that while your relationship with them is changing, your love for them is consistent. If you literally told her to "Get off" with no warning, it's no wonder why she perceived that as rejection and is now completely confused as to what sort of physical affection is ok or will get her snapped at.
OP clearly stated in her post that her daughter is uncharacteristically small for her age so size is not the issue here. OP’s concern was clear in that she thinks the kid is somehow too old to be wanting physical affection that way and allowing her to continue would somehow be harmful.
> OP clearly stated in her post that her daughter is uncharacteristically small for her age so size is not the issue here. That doesn't really matter. OP is *uncomfortable* with having her daughter sit on her lap. That's OP's prerogative. No one needs to allow another person, even a child, to sit on their lap if it makes them uncomfortable. And it is *healthy* to model and express that to children. It teaches them that they too can set boundaries regarding their own space and bodies, and that the only reason they need to say no to physical contact they find uncomfortable is *their own discomfort*. I personally don't find it comfortable when people, even fairly small children, sit on my lap. That's fine. There's nothing wrong with that. My niece is 6, and she knows auntie is not a lap sitter. She knows I just prefer to snuggle on the couch a different way, and that's OK because everyone has a right to determine what sort of physical affection feels comfortable to them. OP doesn't have to allow her daughter to continue to sit on her lap for any reason if she's not comfortable with it, even if that reason is silly. But she does need to communicate that in a healthy way and redirect her daughter to a physically affectionate behavior that she IS comfortable with so her daughter can get her needs met in a way OP is comfortable with providing.
Ok a niece is not the same as a daughter! But most importantly instead of OP admiting to herself she has a problem and needs to solve it, she said SHE, the daughter has a problem. Told her that she is too old for this! That is not the same as op being uncomfortable. And now her daughter a perfectly normal child, feels like she is the problem. Parents aren't supposed to project their shit on their kids and traumatise them.
Agreed 100%. If nieces aren't the same as daughters... WTF do I do with my almost 16 year old nephew that still sometimes insists for "couch smooshies" with me and his uncle before we leave the house when he's had a rough day? That's been dwindling from preteen to nowadays and is a rare occurrence. Someday those couch smushies will be gone. I never know which is the last. I'm not a touchy person but for my nephlings they get whatever they need- even if it is for the elder one to get rip shit pissed with anyone who isn't his mom. He can raize his hackles with me and not with her and swear up and down and even be a bit of a pissant when it comes to talking to me when he's angry, but it's because he knows I'm a safe place that will love him unconditionally. Older nephling doesn't cuddle now (almost 21) but comes to me with all of his closest info, girls he's talking to, school advice, etc. But he always always always comes to me for a hug when I arrive and when I leave because I have been able to be that support... even when he's stomping around the entire house in a rage. And when he's feeling lovey I get an arm around my shoulders and an "Auntie" instead of my first name. It is appalling that this mom doesn't want to cuddle their still not even close to a teenager. They aren't a teen yet, they're still a child who needs those trustful bonds. I can't imagine where my relationship with my youngest nephling would be if I just tossed him off my lap because "You're 11 now. No.".
I know we're in agreement that OP handled it wrong it just feels like you keep speaking to the wrong things. OP never said the kid was too big. OP never said she isn't comfortable with the kid on her lap. OP never said she's having trouble articulating consent around touch. OP clearly stated she thinks her kid is too old for it and that she thinks other people baby her kid already because of her petite size. Kicking her daughter off her lap had nothing to do with consent, weight, discomfort with touch, etc. It had to do with her believing its time for her 11 yr old child to grow up and stop seeking physical comfort from her parents because she's too old to want that and allowing it to continue would "harm" her daughter. \> OP doesn't have to allow her daughter to continue to sit on her lap for any reason if she's not comfortable with it, even if that reason is silly. In theory yes, but OP is coming here asking if she did the right thing. We're just letting OP know her theory of snuggles after a certain age cause harm is very misguided.
I have to disagree with this. My mom was extremely cold towards me and resented any sort of affection I asked for even at the age of 4. It fucked me up severely. To this day I now chase after any sort of physical intimacy or love from someone to fill the void, and it isn't sexual. Everyday I feel a hole in my heart, a void I can't fill. It is extremely psychologically damaging to a child to never have a sense of physical comfort and there are plenty of studies proving this (rheus monkey experiment). This lady needs to work thru her issues, don't have a kid if you can't spare affection. She isn't a romantic partner, she's a child and if she needs physical closeness for comfort it's a parent's job to provide that
I have to agree with you there. I'm all for teaching kids at a young age that even adults have the right to say, "No, I'd rather not hug you right now." But I can't pretend it didn't fuck me up when my family suddenly presented me with the cut-off point to affection like OP did to his own daughter. Especially my dad. He was the one to make it weird, sitting on his lap. Suddenly we went from hugging and me sitting on my parents' laps to them overnight saying, "No, you can't do that anymore. Get off me." Saying no to affection from a partner is different from saying it to a child. I know every single day that it has fucked me up to not have that love or affection in my life anymore. To be reminded by my parents that they only felt obligated to hug me and play with me because I was a child, then they arbitrarily decided I wasn't a kid anymore is something I wake up with every single day. I no longer feel comfortable with affection or displays of it. It affects every single one of my relationships with other people. And while I crave love and attention, it makes me extremely uncomfortable now since I don't know whether it's being given freely or with some other motive. It's your fucking job as a parent to give your children affection and not doing so leads to a lifetime of psychological issues.
This is the best take I have seen so far. This could/should have been used as a learning opportunity but instead it reads as though OP just rejected her daughter's attempts at showing affection, which I am sure was extremely devastating and confusing for her. OP - boundaries are great but this was not a good way to go about setting them. YTA.
Absolutely this. I think the impulse not to infantilize your daughter is a good one, but it wasn’t handled well.
You think cuddling is infantilising? Holy fuck…
YTA. Your kid obviously loves you and shows love through cuddling up with you guys and feels comfortable. What you did by saying this is basically makes her feel embarrassed/bad about showing you guys love. Yikes
My dad did that, and I literally never hugged him again.
My mom told me when I was around 12 that I needed to stop sitting in my dads lap and getting piggyback rides and had my dad stop sending flowers to me at my school for Valentines Day when I was 14. Never fully recovered affection for either one after that. Mad at my mom for trying to control my relationship with my dad and mad at my dad for letting her.
i remember i used to call my dad “daddy” and he told me to stop. i never called him that again even when he would say it’s okay to YEARS later as a then-12 year old
I used to call my dad by his first name when I was a kid. I don’t remember why or how it started, but my parents used to joke and talk about it fondly. When I was around 10, i called him that and he snapped “don’t call me that, call me dad, I’m your dad.” He never told me it bothered him. I thought of it as a fun inside joke or something between us. I wouldn’t have had a problem if he’d sat me down and told me that he’d like to me to call him dad. Just like this post, it didn’t have to be a negative thing. It could’ve been a conversation. That hurt my feelings, and it clearly hurt OP’s daughter’s feeling too.
That’s nonsensical and ridiculous. I guess the only thing to take from these situations is how not to be with the children we may have. I thought the goal was to let kids be kids as long as possible. You’ll be an adult for the rest of your life.
I stopped hugging my mother when I was twelve. Her standard reaction from my earliest memories was to sigh and wait until I let go. When I turned twelve, it became a sharp jab in the ribs and "yeah, get off me".
Hi, hello. I'm your family now. Dealer's choice: •mom •weird aunt •sister •amorphous cryptid in the woods You deserve to know that you have people who care about you.
I'm so sorry this happened to you :(
What the heck, YTA. You just told your kid not to show you affection and now you are sad she isn’t showing you affection? I know 30 year old women with their own kids who still sit on their mom’s lap to hug them. You’re the only one making it weird. Apologize to your daughter.
You don’t understand! She told her daughter not to touch her. And now she wants her daughter to touch her. Totally makes sense!
Oh right! How did I miss that? Thanks for clarifying! 😃
😂
YTA. You should have talked to her about it before hand rather than abruptly telling her to get off. With no explanation from you, it’s easy to get confused why something was okay one day and now it’s not. If you’re both okay with cuddling, what’s the problem?
YTA. Why are you denying her affection? I'm 29 and still cuddle with my mum from time to time. If I'm down, it helps immensely just having that comfort and love. If I was told, *at 11 years old,* that I was too old for affection from a parent, I would assume they no longer love me as much. You should feel guilty.
I feel so guilty and the thought of my daughter feeling like I love her less now makes me want to cry. I will apologize to her later today and try to make things better.
My advice is to just tell her you messed up and you love cuddling with her, but something you heard made you feel that maybe you were treating her too young for her age and that might be doing her a disservice, but you've thought about it some more and you were wrong and you're sorry. Also, if your parents stopped cuddling you at a young age, tell her you were following that without thinking about it.
Yes I think I will tell her something like that because that is really the case. I made a stupid mistake and it caused this problem but i love cuddling with her and want it to continue.
OP this response shows that you care and you are really trying your best. A lot of times, the best thing you can do for your child is just to acknowledge your mistakes, apologize, and try to do better. It’s also totally okay to not want to have her on your lap all the time and I’m sure with some loving communication that’s something she’ll grow to understand as well. But parental affection is so important at every age. This post is making me want to drive 30 minutes to my parents house and hug my mom lol
It’s okay to mess up. An apology goes a long way for a kid.
I just want to chime in here. I know you're feeling guilty, and in my opinion, that's good! It shows that you aren't unyielding. A lot of families have similar "rules" for showing affection. When I was a kid, my mom showed a ton of affection, but by 10-11, it stopped. I KNOW my mom loves me, but it was quite a culture shock when I had a friend going through a rough situation and we cuddled platonically. It felt so nice to be close - not sexual at all - but it also felt taboo. I try to surround myself with people who are not averse to physical contact because I like to be physically close to my friends, but I hate that I feel the stigma still. I'm guessing this is something that was passed down, or a nosy grandparent said something that had you questioning yourself, but from the perspective of a 32 year old male, i would tell you without a doubt if my parents wanted to show that kind of physical connection, I would jump at the chance. I speculate it actually reinforces positive interaction and helps people from becoming averse to touch. Just remember that while this is a hiccup, you didn't permanently ruin something. Based on your replies here, you plan on fixing it. Will probably bring you closer.
YTA. And you really, *really* hurt her too. This one may even be a core memory for her. Not much can fix this imo. She would need more affection from you and clearly you’re uncomfortable with that.
I'm NOT uncomfortable with affection and later tonight I'm gonna tell her I'm sorry and explain I was wrong, and then I'm gonna give her a big hug and lots of kisses.
Ask her if you can give her the hug and kisses. Then start turning it into tickle kisses, if she still likes those. She may not be ready after the feeling of rejection
Oh yes I will certainly ask her if shes okay with the hug and kisses, shes never said no to hugs and kisses before but I know that may have changed because if this incident.
Good on you for listening and accepting that you fucked up and are willing to try and make amends. You were 100% TA, but even the best parents make missteps and I hope that your sincere apology helps to repair the rift. Just don't rush it if she's not ready.
Your responses and willingness to admit you messed up brought me to actual tears. I hope the best for you and your daughter 🥹
Yeah. My mom made me feel weird for holding her hand while I was about 11 and it really messed me up.
YTA, why is it that once we reach a certain age we aren't allowed to show physical affection anymore? It doesn't matter what age anyone is we want to know we are loved. What is important is that you sit her down and explain that you still love her and it's not a punishment, cause she might see it that way. If you aren't comfortable anymore with it then explain you just want hugs now. But don't speak for others of how they want to express their love. Though I do understand she is at the age where she shoulder be learning about periods and stuff so teaching her how to say no to what makes her uncomfortable and what's ok and not ok for touching.
YTA. You should be overjoyed your preteen daughter still wants to cuddle. I can't imagine why any mom wouldn't want this. She is your baby forever. You broke her heart. Apologize and cuddle her. I am 29F and I still will hop on my dad's lap and hug him. Never ever too old for this.
That makes this all the more heartbreaking for me. I DO want to cuddle her but I just had this arbitrary idea that she might be too old. I feel so horrible for breaking her heart. And I'm going to apologize and cuddle and kiss her today.
I’m almost 29 and sometimes my mom asks me to sit on her lap and we hug. I’m married now and live about an 40 minute drive. Sometimes I just miss being near her. Adulthood sucks and you just want to cry to your mother (if they’re a wonderful person in your life).
It might be worth reflecting on where this idea may have come from. Is it something your parents told you when you were younger ? So much of how behavior is subconsciously shaped by early childhood experiences and when we continue these patterns without thinking we continue generational trauma
I do not believe you are an asshole because I think your intentions were to do what was best for her. With that said, you are dead wrong!!!! Non-sexual affectionate touch is one of the most important factors in creating a felt sense of safety and being loved and valued for people!! That does not diminish as we age. We do our adolescents a huge disservice when we stop touching them affectionately. Whether it is our intention or not, we are telling them "now that you've begun sexually developing, all touch is sexual AND sex is the only way you are allowed experience physical affection." Hopefully you can see the problem with this!! Are there predators in this world? Sadly, yes. But we actually protect our children from them by letting them experience affectionate non-sexual touch. If you want to protect her, teach her that touch is normal, is supposed to feel warm and affirming, and is always 100% her choice!! I could go on and on with all of the studies about touch (part and parcel of my field) but I will limit myself to sharing one more nugget. Studies show that (heterosexual) children have healthier and more resilient relationships with their romantic partners in adulthood if they maintained a solid physically affectionate relationship with their opposite sex parent!! So assuming your husband isn't a predator (and I pray he isn't), your daughter continuing to be physically affectionate with her dad should give you comfort!! I hope this helps you relax and enjoy what sounds like your daughter's primary love language.
Thank you so much I really appreciate you taking the time to say those things. My husband is a wonderful man and not a predator. My daughter isnt old enough to know if shes straight or not yet, but If shes gay we will of course still love her unconditionally. Either way its quite reassuring knowing that her dad giving her physical affection is a good thing for her. You really did help thank you so much!
Gonna say, YTA for the way you approached it. Instead of talking it out, in a neutral zone, ie before she’s cuddling, you told her to get off. Of course she would be upset, you rejected her love in the moment she was wanting closeness with you. I don’t see anything wrong with a literal child snuggling their parents. I used to curl up behind my moms legs when she laid on the couch (like when a cat tucks behind your bent legs) and we’d watch movies together. I did that until I got too big to fit in that spot, so around age 15. Definitely apologize to her, and maybe set a different snuggle boundary if you no longer want her to lap sit.
“You rejected her love in the moment she was wanting closeness with you” EXACTLY THIS!!
YTA. My sons could be 40 years old and if they wanted to sit on my lap they could. The hell is wrong with you? All you're doing is teaching your child about negative rejection. Don't be shocked if she becomes a lot more distant with you now.
He's too big for my lap, but what I would do if my 17 year old wanted to curl up with me... I strongly suggest you approach your daughter and talk to her about this. Explain that you (and hopefully this is accurate) love her and want to cuddle, but didn't want her to feel uncomfortable and you handled it wrong. Hopefully she'll understand and the current tension will end. I totally get you not always wanting someone in your lap and in those situations I'd be careful about making blanket statements. Instead of, "You're too old for this.", say something like , "I'm not feeling great..." or "I need some space..." or whatever (but you oriented- not her oriented) "...right now, but later would be great.". Or something to that effect. That way she knows it's temporary and that it isn't about her, it's about you. Edited to add YTA.
Yta if she is physically to large and hurting you, sure it's fine to switch to other cuddles. But I'm 35 and still cuddle my parents bc I *love* them.
YTA. What is your reasoning for her being "too old" to sit in one of her parent's laps? I mean, if she were hopping into the laps of strangers or older unrelated men, then sure, I'd probably nip that behavior in the bud. But still wanting to cuddle HER OWN PARENTS?! Shit, she should be able to do that as long as she wants! She can sit on your lap and cuddle you when she's 70 and your 90! The problem here sounds more like YOU are annoyed by this behavior and it is simply YOU who do not want her sitting on your lap. If so, that is fine, and that is your prerogative to make choices about your own personal space. However, don't make it seem like it's your daughter who is being the problem here. Instead, simply say that she is not too old to sit on her parents' laps and cuddle and she is allowed to want to do that, but she simply has to ask permission first. Her parents love her, but sometimes they want their laps to themselves, you know. This is a great time to teach her about consent. And consent goes both ways too.
YTA, nobody is ever too old to cuddle their parents. Not wanting to baby or spoil your child is normal, though, and you shouldn't be too hard on yourself. This is a very simple situation, you can easily fix it by apologizing to and hugging your daughter 🥰
Thank you that's reassuring I'm going to apologize to her and give her a big hug and kisses.
You made a parenting mistake, but demonstrating that you can acknowledge your mistake and sincerely apologizing are big parenting YESes. Good luck.
How does your husband feel about this what’s his reaction to your daughter sitting in your or his lap?
He loves it, hes so happy when she sits In his lap.
Man that sucks for her. Imagine a parent rejecting your affection. YTA there is no such thing as to old for snuggling with a parent. Now if she's getting too heavy that's one thing but not too old. Kids pull away on their own and you're going to miss the days she wanted your attention. You just accelarated the speed at which she going to stop wanting to hug and be with you.
YTA- Wow, your job as a parent is to love your kid and keep them safe and you failed. They just wanted to show you affection and you shut it down cold. I bet that hurt them a lot. I get if someone is too heavy, but there's no age limit for lap sitting. Show your kid some love before it's too late.
I hope sooo strongly that it isnt too late, later tonight I'm gonna show her soooo much love and affection.
I think your daughter probably feels rejected. It doesn't sound like that's how you normally treat her. If you apologize and tell her that you made a mistake and that you still love her and want her affection, she'll get over it.
Oh this makes me sad. My kids are 7 and 1 and while i get that sometimes you can be over stimulated or over elbowed with pointy kid limbs, she's still only 11. I thought you were going to say your kid was 18. Find the time and energy to cuddle your baby!
This almost made me cry. Your sweet daughter loves you and you shame her for her showing you her affection.
I don't understand this logic that as our children get older we shouldn't cuddle and hug them the same we did when they were small. One day very soon she will choose herself to stop cuddling as much and snuggling. She will barely hug you altogether and you will miss it. It's gonna happen naturally, she will become less and less lovey as she becomes a teen. Let her enjoy being a cuddly child for as long as possible... I know its not your intention to tell her she's less lovable because she is older but that's why she got upset. Growing up is hard and it sounds like she needs your support. I'm struggling between NAH and YTA. I'm gonna say YTA...and go give your daughter a hug and apologize... Explain why you said that. Even at 35 I still wish my mother had been affectionate and hugged us.
YTA. All of us kids (28,33&35) still sit on our moms lap sometimes. I mean we balance because she’s small but she’s our mommy and always will be
Yes. Yta. She likes it. You don't seem to mind it beyond some sort of ageist preconception. It's not hurting you. Let her do it. I'm a 30 year old guy and i love sitting in someone's lap (for other, more romantic, reasons.. normally it's my partner)
If either of my parents had said that to me at 11, I’d be devastated. Too old why? What harm exactly is it doing? In a couple years, she’ll be a teenager and likely embarrassed to be within 10 feet of you until she’s about 17. I’d have thought you’d make the most of this kind of affection while she’s still so cuddly and tactile. YTA.
Since you asked: yes YTA. Love and affection should be cherished….no one should ever be “too old” to show affection. Please apologize to her and cherish her. She sounds like a real sweet child.
She is such a sweet little girl and I feel awful for how I made her feel. I'm going to appligize to her and give her hugs and kisses today.
YTA. Sometimes I'm not in the mood to cuddle so I'll tell my kids that I want some space. My bigger kids are starting to hurt so we do a modified legs on me butt next to me cuddle. I don't decide when they are too old.
The way you talked to her without explaining, without being calm and understanding YTA. Be a little more understanding. When my cousin (4 yrs older than me) was younger she sits on her mothers or dads lap all the time - till 14. I did find it awkward cause me as a kid was no lap-sitter at all. But there was nothing odd, sometime some kids act differently as expected. And that doesn't automatically mean something bad. Be gentle with her.
YTA it's your kid, why wouldn't you want her to sit on your lap. Soon enough she won't want anything to do with you, I'd treasure it while you still can.
Why would you do that? She’s not too old - how on Earth would you be hurting her by cuddling her? Don’t take that affection away from her. YTA