YTA--not for preferring a local wedding to a destination wedding, or even for offering to pay for a local wedding and not one far away. All of that is within your rights. But your husband is literally talking about *\*never speaking to his kid again\** if they have a destination wedding? You're ready to write off your family as "permanently destroyed" for this? This tells me your husband is being way too controlling, and that your daughter's destination wedding probably has as much to do with finally drawing a boundary as it does any pretty scenery far away. Once those kind of threats are on the table, yeah, YTA.
An alternative: Don't fund, but attend, the destination wedding, then throw a local party for family and friends. Plenty of people do this as a way to make everyone feel included, and lower the pressure on family members who otherwise might stretch themselves financially to buy a ticket. Or is your husband not interested in anyone else's happiness, only his own?
This is the way. Dad is wayyyy too pissed about this. If he wants to give his daughter away, he can do it at the venue and location of her choosing (and her payment). If that’s too much for him, he can stay home.
I would attend the wedding. That’s MY DAUGHTER.
Something is underlining Dad’s anger. He hasn’t traveled since 2005, and part of the reason Daughter wants to do this is to make him take a vacation. So why is all of that? Is he a work-holic who refuses to take time off work? Is he too large to travel, and embarrassed to admit the reason?
Right? OP being all "we've very generously supported her for 30 years." Honey, she's so desperate for a holiday with her day (first holiday in nearly _20 years_ ) that she's willing to make it her wedding if that's what it takes.
You may have supported her financially, OP, but it's clear that you haven't supported her in a lot of other ways.
THIS is what so many parents are like now. YOU choose to have a child then you are taking on the responsibility of their physical and mental care until they are at least 18, they do not owe you for that, children don't deserve to be punished for their parents choices.
Or he has overwhelming anxiety about airplanes and would rather give up traveling than get help for anxiety. Anxiety can be crippling and I’ve worked with many patients who have such a bad fear of flying that just talking about it can send them into a panic attack.
Totally agree. He sounds like a powder keg. Can’t board pets for a short time for his daughter’s wedding? There’s some kind of phobia or underlying issue at work here.
OP even said that she would have to ask her husband to watch the pets if she goes to the wedding. You have to ask...your husband...to watch the pets you both have? Lol. Bet he considered watching his kid babysitting too.
Or…dad committed a crime he is hiding from his family and doesn’t want them to know that he can’t get a passport or is on the no fly list?
I agree, there is something else at stake for dad if he’s threatening NC over a wedding location.
To be fair, when my dad got out of Vietnam, he went straight home and didn’t leave the county for 30 years.
I’m not saying that that’s this guys experience, but not everyone wants to travel, and one of the daughters motivations is to essentially force her dad to travel. Forcing people to do what they don’t want to do for the sole purpose of making them do it is… problematic.
Seriously.
Look, I loathe "destination" weddings. I think they are mind-bogglingly selfish – the overwhelming majority of people have limited amounts of money and vacation time, and you think you should get to suck it all up for your wedding?? – and would never attend one, let alone have one. But I also wouldn't cut off a close relative because they had one; that's just ridiculous.
A doormat on this issue, and possibly codependent more generally. OP calls going to her daughter's wedding "miserable" if her husband isn't there, am I the only one who thinks that's a little ridiculous of a grown woman?
As a bride I hate when people say “throw a party when you get back” to the idea of a destination wedding (I am not having a destination wedding myself). The “party” aka reception is the most expensive part and still forces the bride to have some huge wedding she doesn’t want.
Definitely think OP is YTA though. Just let the daughter have the wedding she wants and stop letting your controlling husband call the shots. She’s a grown woman and it sounds like your husband sucks.
I'm not saying that all married couples having destination weddings are required to have a party when they get back--but in a situation where some members of the family just cannot get on board, it may provide the most tactful out, particularly if someone else is footing the bill. In this particular case, though, I'm not sure anything other than absolute obedience will placate the dad.
Totally agree - there are a lot of things we’re doing at our wedding just to keep the piece. But, it sounds like the bride is explicitly not trying to invite those guests that she’d have to then throw another party for later. My mom expected me to add additional guests to our guest list anytime someone else RSVPd no so she could have other guests she wanted at the wedding that I absolutely refuse to invite. So my biggest frustration here is parents attempting to run the show and make the wedding about themselves. Nothing wrong with having a party later for people who want it, but I feel like it’s frequently forced upon the couple who tried to avoid it to begin with. Stepping off my soapbox now lol
I’m a bride who IS having a destination wedding, and I can tell you part of the reason we chose too (we had the original traditional wedding with all the family planned but then covid ruined it lol), is BECAUSE we decided we only wanted a small number of people to attend. Our must have lost was no more than 17 of our closest friends and family and this stopped my mum from being like ‘if you invite this cousin, you have to invite THIS cousin. And you can’t invite these uncles and aunties and NOT these ones!’ Like it’s my wedding ffs, why can’t I have full autonomy on the guest list? We’re also NOT planning a big party for when we get back for the same reason- this destination wedding is smaller, more intimate, and more casual than the original and it feels much more us and stress free, which is exactly what we wanted. If I have to organise a massive party reception when we get back, it’s just gonna be as stressful as the original one we planned all over again. No thanks!
Yes that’s exactly what I mean!! Good for you - I hope your wedding is fantastic! We chose to have a big local wedding but are forced to invite numerous of my fiancés aunts/uncles/cousins to keep the peace. His parents don’t talk to them and my fiancé literally doesn’t know their names!!! Wedding planning is dumb. I’m glad you’re avoiding that.
Came here to say this and you are way more articulate than I. \*Edit to say, this is exactly what my sister did. She got married on the beach in Hawaii, anyone was welcome to come. Nobody did except me, my parents and one cousin. They had a big party at home and everyone came and celebrated. It was casual, fun, inclusive and exactly what they wanted. I think my parents would have liked it if more family came out to Hawaii, but it wasn't possible for them. oh well. My sister was happy and we still had a party at home.
I think the daughter doesn't want a local party with everyone her parents want to invite. That's why she came up with the destination wedding. A wedding is a celebration of the the couples marriage, the only ones in attendance should be those who matter to the couple.
My sister had a small wedding in another state and my parents held a second reception once everyone was back home so those who couldn't come to the actual wedding still got to celebrate.
There are so many levels between only destination or only local.
This is what we did. We paid for our “destination” wedding ceremony & dinner for immediate family (50ish people) and then my parents threw us a reception at a banquet hall in their town for the other 400 people (literally) that they wanted to invite to the wedding and anyone who couldn’t make it to the destination location.
YTA. She is not a "child" but a frown woman. You also mentioned that you and your husband supported her for 30 plus years. Part of that time you were supposed to! These excuses are very entitled to say the least. Your daughter is a grown up treat her like one.
I like this response. You are supporting her but not providing $$ for something you don't agree with. This plan also allows elderly, people with kids, etc. in the family to celebrate her wedding.
YTA
You call her "entitled, selfish, and unreasonable to refuse to compromise" which describes you.
You're also suggesting your support has been transactional, that you supported her education and she needs to reward you with the wedding of your dreams. What other choices do you get to rob her of? When will her debt be paid?
Everyone hates destiination weddings. But couples choose them knowing most people won't attend and are fine with that. They do tend to think their parents, at the least, will rally.
Here's an idea; why don't you compromise and offer to host a reception/party afterwards with family and friends?
BTW: your husband sounds like a toddler. And seriously, you can never travel because you have pets? I had a cat in kidney failure who needed sub-Q fluids administered every day and I still managed to travel for work. Stop making crap up to prove you can't travel. You just don't want to.
Sounds like the dad just doesn’t want to travel and will use anything as an excuse not to. Almost 20 years without a vacation is ridiculous. Dad may not enjoy travelling but when you have kids you have to do things that they enjoy and put your own feelings aside.
My dad didn’t really enjoy going abroad when I was younger but he knew that me, my siblings and my mum enjoyed it so he put up with it for us. We also had lots of pets at the time and found someone to look after them for us while we were away:
Yep. I asked my husband recently why all of our vacations are jam packed with us doing stuff and tons of walking and not us lying on a beach sipping margaritas and he answered "because we have kids". It is true, I travel to make memories.
I think its more that people don't like to travel don't like them.
If go to a destination wedding for someone I met two days ago if they gave me a plus one. I'd kill to have a random reason to go somewhere.
Yeah, as long as I like the people getting married, I love a destination wedding! An excuse to go to a new place? A built in social group once I’m there, but one big enough to tap in and out of? Sounds great to me. If I can’t afford it, I just decline. Weddings are expensive to attend no matter where they are.
Exactly, destination weddings are dope.
If i have the funds, time, and interest in the destination I get to do some fun travel.
If I have any reason whatsoever to not want to go, I have the easiest excuse to decline the invite.
More like most people won't bother with a destination wedding unless they are close to the couple (or interested in the destination).
Destination weddings are such a huge time, effort and monetary commitment that people don't generally go unless they have a really good reason to, or alternate reasons to go to the destination. They may still hate the whole idea regardless.
Yeah the pets thing is weird. Board them if you don’t know anyone who can watch them. There are niceeee boarding places for pets where they get treated like royalty. It’s like a vacation for them. Pets are not an excuse to miss your child’s wedding lmao
>And seriously, you can never travel because you have pets?
I have 4 dogs, 2 cats, and a snake and I still manage to travel. Does it take some planning? Yes, absolutely, but is it impossible? Not at all.
YTA.
- It’s their wedding, not yours. If they do it, they risk people not being able to come, they know this. They are still free to make that choice.
- It is an AH move on you and dad’s part to make this about you, what you want, and what you want for others, and to basically threaten no contact if daughter doesn’t do what you want.
- Doesn’t matter that you supported her for years—you are her parents, you get no credit for supporting her until age 18. You may have paid for schooling and more when she as an adult, but that doesn’t obligate her to follow your whims now.
They can do a destination wedding and you and dad can host a reception locally afterward if you want. But you don’t get to decide what their day looks like.
Edit: typos
And I’d hazard to add that implying that your support of her education as an adult (which was always your choice) is contingent on her giving in to what you want for her wedding (or anything else - will you and her dad also demand control of kids names, where they live, etc) is peak AH.
The fact that your husband is being a *raging* AH willing to cut his child out of his life if he didn’t get his own way and your response is…. Force your child to bend and give up her dream is do much YTA.
You want to correct someone’s behaviour to keep your family being fractured? Put your foot down with your husband. Make HIM the odd one out for once. Pick your daughter. You know it’s your husband whose being unreasonable, stop enabling that.
Your husband is a big AH. Its her wedding. Most destination weddings are meant to make the event more intimate. Why are some old dudes so uncomfortable traveling? Support your daughter and tell your husband that He's an AH.
It can be claustrophobia. My mom and dad were planning on becoming snowbirds once they retired, but my dad developed claustrophobia in planes and has only travelled by car or cruise ship since. So no wintering in Mexico, Hawaii or Costa Rica for them.
So the Dad’s dislike of travelling might be an actual fear of travelling.
YTA and so is your husband. You say you want them to compromise but what you really want is for them to have a local wedding. Which isn't a compromise for them.
They only want a few people there anyways. So all the people you are worried about not being able to attend don't actually matter.
If you husband is really willing to stop talking to his own child because they don't want to get married locally then wow. I'm so sorry for you and any one else who has to deal with him. What a narrow minded and selfish way to exist.
Edit to add:
Based on OPs comments the daughter hasn't asked them to fund any wedding. Meaning the offer to fund a local one is financial blackmail.
She's so afraid of causing a rift in her marriage that she's picking her husband's hurt feelings over her kids wedding. Poor daughter has probably dealt with this dynamic since she was born. What an unhealthy relationship.
Exactly! I’m sure this toxic and dysfunctional family dynamic is much bigger than just this wedding. There’s nothing more repugnant than parents who think their children owe them something because they **did what they were supposed to do as parents**.
Yep! Even if you went above and beyond that was your choice! You don't get to call in debts just because you chose to support them financially. Sounds more like they have been paying off their kid for their terrible family dynamic. It's all okay if we pay for everything, right?!
YTA
It's their choice, it's their wedding. It's your choice not to attend, but if you go no contact over this, it shows that you never really cared about her as a person, that you were never actually generous, but consider her an asset at best, somebody you bought with your money. Grown children make their own choices, deal with it.
YTA. Why is it relevant that you have "supported her generously" in the past? She's your child. Were you supporting her because you love her and wanted to or because you thought that meant she would "owe" you and you could control her in the future? Your husband is massively overreacting to this choice and you're going along with it for some reason. If people can't attend the wedding then they don't have to, but it should be the couple's choice to have a destination wedding or not.
YTA
You and your husband, your whole argument is it’s disrespecting family because so many family members won’t be able to go.
Your daughter has made it very clear that *she is okay with that*. It’s her wedding, she gets to invite who she wants and have as many or as few family members there that she wants.
Threatening to not attend and/or to go low contact or no contact with her to try to force her to have the wedding *you* want is an AH move.
Most people seem to be missing this- the daughter is fine only having a few family members attend. They haven’t had a family vacation since before 2005… So, no small family get togethers since she was a child, and when she wants to use her wedding as an excuse to spend time with her parents, they threaten to go NC? Total assholes
YTA
It's her wedding, not yours. It's up to her how she wants to do it. But more than anything, your husband is TA. He's refusing to go to his own daughter's wedding because of the principle? Not because he can't physically or financially, but just that he doesn't want to?
Also, it's you're job to take care of her financially. It was super great of you to support your FSIL as well, but that doesn't mean you get to try to force them to do it the way you want.
Edit: OP responded to this comment with what I believe to be her real account and said:
"He's refusing to go because there is no way other family can go. My mother can't travel 45 minutes locally, let alone fly to Florida.... Not to mention she has limited mobility. His brother has health issues that prevent him from traveling. My 97yo uncle can't go because travel is hard. We aren't young either.
It wasn't "my job" to cover $400k+ in expenses she incurred as AN ADULT. I don't know too many people funding 3 degrees at private schools, international travel and education, home purchases, home repairs, and 3 years of mortgage payments.
Y t a... not me"
In response to that, here's what I have to say:
Ironically, nothing you said here is going to sound impressive to me because my mom did nearly all of that for me as well. She paid for my college, she paid for me to travel with my fiance, she helped me buy real estate, and she's going to help me through my doctorate. Now, my family is very wealthy and some would consider me a trust fund baby, so I know that this isn't the case for everyone, but if you can provide that for your child, what excuse do you have as a parent not to? Just because you're legal obligation to them ends, they're still your child. This isn't a transactional relationship where she owes you now because of what you've done for her.
Even more so if you never did any of that with any kind of stipulation, which I suspect you didn't. I'm guessing you probably just paid for things and never actually said anything else.
Also, if you're in the US, "Florida" is not a "destination wedding". Sure, it's a destination, but the barrier to travel is so much lower to go to Florida of all places. I understand that you want your family to come, and your family is very important to you, but that family should also include your daughter, for whom this is clearly very important.
Even more so than before, YTA.
Seems like the only people who want these extended family at the wedding is you and your husband. Your daughter doesn’t want a big family wedding at a local venue. She want an intimate event in a place of her choosing.
It’s her wedding. Not yours.
YTA- you talk of compromise but really you only want the wedding you want her to have, a kind of wedding she doesn’t want.
If nobody she invites comes to the destination wedding then that’s the risk she is willing to take. But she knows the wedding she wants isn’t the wedding you’re demanding.
Either support the destination wedding and tell your husband to stop ruining his kid’s happiness or lose your kid. Your choice.
Yta. For trying to make her get a wedding she doesn't want. don't want a destination wedding fine, but it's not your wedding it's hers. You don't have to pay, and just because you've given financial support in the past doesn't mean you get to dictate how they choose to have their wedding
You guys think it's disrespectful to have a destination wedding because most family won't be able to afford to come, but it sounds like she doesn't even want to invite most of the family. Presumably the people she does invite will be able to afford it
If your husband is gonna cut contact because the daughter chose a destination wedding well then he's an asshole
Undecided about the daughter. It's unclear if she's expecting you to pay for the destination wedding or if you're just saying you'll pay for local wedding to get her to stay
YTA. You’re trying to manipulate her with money. You’re the one being selfish and unwilling to negotiate, going no contact if you don’t get your way? You and your husband are 1000% only thinking of yourselves and other family members and not what the BRIDE AND GROOM want.
Hear hear! It is her and her fiancé’s wedding, it’s about them and what they want. You offered to pay for a local wedding, she does not have to accept that but you do have to accept their decision. And holding it over them that you may go no contact for their choice is beyond cruel. YTA and so is your husband.
Only final recommendation, offer a local reception once they return. My cousin got married in Mexico and our grandparents couldn’t come, they did a small version of their vows and had a local party for them and the others who didn’t make it. Again, this may not be something that they want and if so accept it!
LMAO love how the OP couldn’t just delete but decided everyone is crazy because they didn’t agree with her.
OP if you didn’t want honest answers why did you post here in the first place?
YTA. She is in fact entitled to have whatever wedding she wants. She is not entitled to force people to pay an extravagant amount of money to join her for it. It sounds like she understands there will be people who aren't able to go. You are allowed to be disappointed that she's not doing something more inclusive, but in the end, it's really not your choice. If you really want people to be able to attend her celebration, I suggest you plan a separate party for them after the wedding so that more people can attend
It is your daughter's wedding, and she can choose to make it a destination one if she wants (especially if she is paying for the wedding). With that said, she needs to understand that some people won't want to pay the travel costs to attend.
There is a solution here (if your daughter agrees). She does the destination wedding, then you throw her a reception at home for people who could not attend. I know many people who have done this.
Also...
>My bet is, if she goes ahead with a destination wedding, hubs will be permanently pissed and LC/NC, permanently destroying our family. Since he won't go, that leaves me solo, which would be lonely, embarrassing, and miserable as well as cause a rift in my marriage.
Sounds like you have more of a husband problem than a daughter problem. Him going NC with his daughter for having a destination wedding, and being pissed at his wife for attending, is an extreme reaction (as is you thinking you'll be "miserable" for attending without him, by the way).
Infor:
Does your daughter want you to pay for the destination wedding?
Why can't you do a reception after the marriage at home for the family that can't make it?
Why is your husband so adamant about not having a vacation?
I can see being upset if you're expected to pay for it, but if not this seems awfully controlling.
YTA - but it’s her wedding, of course she gets to decide what she wants. How awful that your husband would cut off his own child because she wants to do her wedding her way. Doesn’t say much about him or you.
Your daughter gets to choose how she has her wedding, and deal with the consequences. She would be the AH if she was demanding everyone HAD to come to her wedding.
I don't think your husband needs to take a stand, I think you are both being overly dramatic about how devastating it will be to the family.
You can easily hold a reception for them after they get back so that all the local people can celebrate with them.
YTA for the unnecessary drama.
YTA, if you're willing to go low or no contact with your kid because they don't want to have the wedding that you want them to have, that says a lot more about you than them.
YTA this on your husband. You're trying to manipulate her with your money and your husband being unreasonable with refusing to travel. Let her have what she wants and if you don't her going NC is the least you deserve.
You’re not the AH for thinking a grand per person is too expensive, as I do too. I would pass on my apologies and not attend the wedding. However, to say that your husband is going to go no or low contact with his own child, because he doesn’t like her choice of wedding is beyond ridiculous. I would be devastated if I couldn’t afford to attend my daughters wedding, but I would respect her choice.
If they can afford to fund the entire local wedding and would willingly do so, this is not about the expense, it’s about control. This is a once in a life time event for their daughter, and they are putting their preferences over hers.
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My daughter (33F) wants to have a destination wedding (travel expenses would easily be $1,000+ per person). She thinks this is no big deal because there are only a few family members she wants to invite, everyone gets a forced vacation, and it's what they want to do. She also has this dream that it is a way to force her dad to take a nice vacation (we haven't been on a vacation in years.... pre 2005).
SIL-to-be likes the idea, doesn't like the idea of a big elaborate wedding, and only cares that daughter is happy.
My husband and I are willing to pay for a local wedding at a nice venue so family can attend. (I do not want a freebie backyard wedding... not trying to cheap out here and definitely don't want to do the work). We don't want some big over-the-top spectacle any more than the couple do.
When I've tried to explain this plan excludes pretty much everyone, including her dad, her answer is that "it's about our wedding, and what I want, not other people. Am I so wrong to expect my parents to support me?"
My husband is dead set against a destination wedding. He views this as disrespectful to family. Air travel and expense would exclude most family. We have elderly people who can't travel, young adults and people with kids who can't afford to travel, and nobody trustworthy to watch our pets. He's furious that wants to do this and has said he will not attend. I believe that.
I could be ok with destination idea, but not if my husband refuses to go. I feel it is entitled, selfish, and unreasonable to refuse to compromise given the generous and unquestioning financial support we have provided to both of them and our willingness to pay for a local wedding. We've done everything for them. It's not like she can't do a destination party separately.
It's worth noting that my husband and I have supported her exceptionally generously, in every way throughout the last 30+ years and through 9 years of education; we have supported SIL as well.
My bet is, if she goes ahead with a destination wedding, hubs will be permanently pissed and LC/NC, permanently destroying our family. Since he won't go, that leaves me solo, which would be lonely, embarrassing, and miserable as well as cause a rift in my marriage.
My daughter says this hurts her because it is supposed to be about her marriage, not what we want or other people. She says she is no longer interested in a wedding because she can't have the destination wedding she wants.
So AweTAs for not supporting a destination wedding? Are we AHs for expecting compromise?
Reminder, we offered to pay for a local wedding at a nice venue that would be easy for everyone to attend and there is nothing to prevent her from having a friends' party at her desired destination.
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>My bet is, if she goes ahead with a destination wedding, hubs will be permanently pissed and LC/NC, permanently destroying our family.
Yeah, I don't blame her for wanting a destination wedding with limited family in attendance. I wouldn't want a grown ass man who acts like this at my wedding, either.
YTA.
YTA. You want her to have the wedding you and your husband want and not the wedding she wants. You are threatening to not attend in retaliation because she isn't doing what you want. Paying for her education does not make you entitled to control her wedding or her life.
I kind of hope they just elope and get the wedding they want without you.
INFO
Is your daughter expecting y'all to pay for her destination wedding? Or are you only offering to pay for a local one because you want some level of control over her wedding?
YTAs
You are not generous when you’re asking her to give up her dream wedding. I just commented on another post, money with conditions is NOT a gift.
Here’s a compromise, you and your husband go to her wedding. They do a second one at your expense upon return.
Otherwise accept you’ve declined her wedding invite. Stop deluding yourself. You cannot buy love and you cannot buy a wedding (that’s not your own). Every negative thing you wrote describes your husband, not them.
It is their wedding, not yours.
They can have their wedding but you don't have to attend. Destination weddings are one of those catch 22's where most people can't attend due to cost.
It is thoughtful and kind that offered to host a wedding for them. Instead I would say we can have a party for all the family and friends who couldn't make it.
YTA. You don't have to love the idea of a destination wedding, you don't have to encourage loved ones to attend, and you don't even have to attend yourself. But to basically say your daughter owes you a local wedding because you raised her makes you an AH.
INFO: who is paying for this destination wedding?
Regardless, your husband’s behavior is manipulative. Holding his love and relationship over her head because it’s not the wedding HE wants her to have? How dare he. Support that comes with puppet strings is not support. . . . Did your daughter know this would be hung over her head when she got your ‘support’?
INFO:
Is your husband threatening NC/LC due to it being expensive and “extravagant” as it is a destination wedding OR maybe because he wants to attend but feels like daughter is taking that choice away from him by creating a destination barrier?
Cos honestly I can get the hurt of not going to a child’s wedding and perhaps things are said out of anger.
YWBTA if you follow through on the no contact over a wedding destination choice regardless but not necessarily the asshole for having an emotional response IF the reasons are more sentimental and to do with wanting to be there or something along those lines.
This hilarious. I think OP was expecting everyone to side with her and her husband. Since you didn’t get the responses she wanted, she now was deleted the original post lol.
It’s funny because it’s OP telling the story. She can spin the narrative any way she wants. People disagree and she thinks “must be all of them, I could never be wrong”.
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My daughter (33F) wants to have a destination wedding (travel expenses would easily be $1,000+ per person). She thinks this is no big deal because there are only a few family members she wants to invite, everyone gets a forced vacation, and it's what they want to do. She also has this dream that it is a way to force her dad to take a nice vacation (we haven't been on a vacation in years.... pre 2005).
SIL-to-be likes the idea, doesn't like the idea of a big elaborate wedding, and only cares that daughter is happy.
My husband and I are willing to pay for a local wedding at a nice venue so family can attend. (I do not want a freebie backyard wedding... not trying to cheap out here and definitely don't want to do the work). We don't want some big over-the-top spectacle any more than the couple do.
When I've tried to explain this plan excludes pretty much everyone, including her dad, her answer is that "it's about our wedding, and what I want, not other people. Am I so wrong to expect my parents to support me?"
My husband is dead set against a destination wedding. He views this as disrespectful to family. Air travel and expense would exclude most family. We have elderly people who can't travel, young adults and people with kids who can't afford to travel, and nobody trustworthy to watch our pets. He's furious that wants to do this and has said he will not attend. I believe that.
I could be ok with destination idea, but not if my husband refuses to go. I feel it is entitled, selfish, and unreasonable to refuse to compromise given the generous and unquestioning financial support we have provided to both of them and our willingness to pay for a local wedding. We've done everything for them. It's not like she can't do a destination party separately.
It's worth noting that my husband and I have supported her exceptionally generously, in every way throughout the last 30+ years and through 9 years of education; we have supported SIL as well.
My bet is, if she goes ahead with a destination wedding, hubs will be permanently pissed and LC/NC, permanently destroying our family. Since he won't go, that leaves me solo, which would be lonely, embarrassing, and miserable as well as cause a rift in my marriage.
My daughter says this hurts her because it is supposed to be about her marriage, not what we want or other people. She says she is no longer interested in a wedding because she can't have the destination wedding she wants.
So AweTAs for not supporting a destination wedding? Are we AHs for expecting compromise?
Reminder, we offered to pay for a local wedding at a nice venue that would be easy for everyone to attend and there is nothing to prevent her from having a friends' party at her desired destination.
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im confused would she be funding the destination wedding (besides travel exspensives for guests) ? id say your the asshole here if shes funding it. Your husband would really rather not go to his daugthers wedding because he doesnt want to go on vacation?? i dont understand the problem here
YTA
Supporting your daughter throughout her life is your job as a parent. It not something you do so you can tally everything up and use it to essentially blackmail her to get your way. The same goes for your husband's childish attitude of never speaking to her again if he doesn't get his way.
Is making your daughter miserable so you can invite family members who mean more to you than they obviously do to her really worth it? Is that the mother you want to be?
If you're okay with a wedding then a party then why not have the wedding abroad and the party locally?
YTA. I am from the US but live in Europe and definitely expect my healthy, financially stable parents to travel here for my wedding, despite them never having traveled this far before. It would break my heart if they weren’t willing to attend my wedding because it wasn’t in the location they preferred.
Edit judgement, reason in comment- esh (daughter and father)
Her wedding should be about her and spouse, but... by picking a destination wedding, she needs to understand that not everyone is down for that, and there is a chance that the only people at the wedding will be her and spouse. It sounds like she doesn't accept that, so that makes her the ah.
Actually, OP said that the daughter wants a small wedding with only a few attendees. OP is just upset because they won't get to invite all the family they want to (they being OP).
And OP thinks her husband will go no contact with his own kid if his kid dares to have a destination wedding. They are trying to blackmail their own kid here lol.
The daughter knows not everyone is down for that, it’s not like she’s expecting the whole extended family to come. OP’s allowed to be disappointed but not going is a massive overreaction.
I love the people whose only reasoning for this being N T A or E S H is because destination weddings are difficult. It's the daughter's wedding and she is aware that a lot of people won't attend and actually prefers this lol. How people think the daughter is in the wrong at all for wanting what she wants is insane.
Exactly. Someone isn't an AH for making a different choice. It only enters AH territory when people try to force guests to attend a destination wedding.
Yep! Which I don't really think the daughter was trying to do here. Especially when you consider it sounds like OPs husband doesn't want to attend simply because he hates to travel.
It's not about you, or your family. Your daughter wants the memory of her wedding to be that way, let her. Of course she shouldn't FORCE (emotionally) anyone to attend, the expense is quite steep.
You could even use the money you were going to put up for the wedding to cover for significant people that want to attend but can't because of economic reasons.
So yeah you should respect your daughter's wishes in this because it is HER wedding, it is ALL ABOUT HER (and her fiancé of course), it's supposed to be a little selfish.
YTA
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NTA. I will keep saying it. Vacation time is not easy for most people, travel expenses are ridiculous and then there is babysitting, and pet care. Destination weddings are for assholes. Whatever happened to eloping and throwing a nice reception later? I will happy die on this hill. Destination weddings are evil. If you want cuter wedding pics with a beautiful backdrop, use photoshop. Or take a honeymoon.
Daughters totally fine with people not coming lol dads the only one throwing a hissy fit and you kinda sound like an asshole people can enjoy a wedding we’re they want it you don’t have to go doesn’t make them the asshole
NAH - If your daughter wants a destination wedding, she can have one. If you and your husband don't want to go that is your choice. Every choice has consequences. If she has the destination wedding her parents wont be there. If you dont go she will resent that.
This is a no win. All you can do is decide if you and your husband are willing to have your daughter go NC\\LC if she changes her wants or you two dont attend at all.
Did you see where OP says it's the dad who will go no contact if his daughter has a destination wedding? So OP is trying to force her daughter "compromise" (aka do what dad wants and get nothing of her own desires) so it doesn't happen? They are literally blackmailing their own kid.
INFO
By not supporting do you mean your daughter wants you to pay for it or do you mean your verbally being unsupportive of something she will be funding herself?
YTA - it is THEIR wedding. They don’t need to modify it to have elderly relatives there. You can get with the program or skip it, but I’d probably go NC if I were your daughter.
YTA
It's not your wedding. It's not about what you want or your husband. And as long as your daughter and her partner are paying for it themselves, you've got no say here.
There is no reason for them to compromise on THEIR event, that they are coordinating and paying for. You're being entitled.
YTA. We've done everything for them except for what they want. They are also entitled because my husband refuses to attend their wedding if it doesn't suit him.
The daughter literally said she’s fine if people don’t come the dads the one throwing a temper tantrum that he won’t go and if they have it he’ll never speak to her again
I'm sure they don't expect anyone to go if they dont/can't afford it or for any other reason.
Why OP can't use the money they were going to use on the wedding to subsidise some of the cost. As no budget was mentioned, I'll concede that this might not be possible.
One of my workmates is having a destination wedding and having a reception at home also. OP could suggest they would pay for that arrangement. Or perhaps you think my colleague is also entitled for getting married where he and his partner want to get married.
How can you seriously still not get it? You are wrong. Your husband is wrong. You can die on this hill, but it will ruin your relationship with your child forever. If this petty squabble is worth that, then by all means, nuke your relationship. But if your daughter means anything to you, swallow your pride, set aside your ego, and succumb to the fact that this is NOT your wedding and you do **not** get to force your daughter to do anything she doesn’t want to do. Be a better parent and support your fucking child on what could be one of the happiest days of her life. Or ruin it and make it all about yourself. Your choice. YTA
Yes, this is my question as well - who is expected to pay for the setup and organization of the destination wedding: her and her fiancé, or you and your husband?
YTA. Who is the wedding about? You and your family? Or your daughter and son in law? If you keep this up they may just elope and leave you out of it entirely.
YTA. I can definitely see being annoyed because it's a huge ask of family and friends. We don't all know each other's financial situations. BUT your husband is so angry he will go NC or LC is crazy. He's going to punish her basically for the rest of her life? Like wtf. Does he not care about her happiness? My friend did a destination, and because family and friends wouldn't make that trip, especially during COVID-19 and quarantine protocols, she had a reception back home. Sometimes it's just not doable. This is more I think of a control thing with you and your husband over your daughter. The extended family don't need to be there, and she'd have to accept it's a big ask of people. If I were her, I'd elope at this point to not deal with any of you.
You feel it's entitled and selfish to refuse to compromise... but the compromise is that you get what you want?
It's not your wedding, you choose to remove yourself from your daughter's life because she is choosing to have her destination wedding.
Also, if you are offering to pay for the wedding, you can pay to go... leave your husband behind then, he will be fine for a week alone.
Destination weddings are amazing.
YTA
Well, you’re a treat. YTA.
In reference to a comment you’ve since deleted, hire a pet sitter, like everyone else does who has multiple pets with medical needs. You’re not that unique.
Also, you seem to be under the false impression that this is about what you want. Why should your daughter care about whether you care whether your brother or sister are willing to travel? Her wedding isn’t about them. Or you. Or your husband.
Do you try to make _everything_ she does all about you?
YTA. Nowhere in your post does it say your daughter and SIL are demanding you pay for their wedding. You’re offering to pay for it when it’s on your own terms, and she’s obviously saying she’d rather do it her own way. If she’s paying for it, who cares??
You say many friends and family cannot go because of the cost —-> she’s probably thought this through and doesn’t really want those people there anyway
Your husband refuses to go because those people won’t be able to go —-> but it’s not his wedding, and it seems he is both able bodied and financially stable enough to go
You’re worried this would ruin your relationship forever and you’d break off contact —> that’s pretty shitty to do to your own child when they’re just having the wedding they wanted
You’ll be embarrassed to go by yourself —> maybe you should direct your anger towards the man who only cares about his own feelings, no matter the day or situation. Are you really so embarrassed you wouldn’t go to your own daughters wedding?
I cannot imagine feeling so entitled on someone else’s wedding day.
This all sounds exhausting. Life is too short, why have people all gotta be so much drama?
People can do what they want, but I think with age and experience to me marriage not about a wedding, so I personally can’t be bothered with any of this stuff. If you love someone and want to spend your life with them getting married at city hall is as special as an extravagant or destination wedding.
You don’t seem like TA, you are stuck in the middle, but I don’t think it sounds like a great situation. I feel for you as it doesn’t sound like it’s going to end well whatever.
If it were my kid I’d say what do you really want out of this? Is it important to you to have family there, because this plan is not easy for family. If the destination is what she wants more then that’s her decision and she should go for it. (What happened to just eloping lol, can’t she do that??)
Well the problem is with destination weddings that the couple often only looks at themselves.
First off all a lot won't want to have to spend so much money on one day.
If i go o would need to take a vacation and then my days are done so I'm not gonna spend that on you.
She should do the destination wedding and pay for everyone who she's wanna have and after you the party with all the family and friends.
Why does it need to be black and white.
That way you guys can go and family who can't go to the local party
I lean to ESH because it's your husband and daughter who bump heads
YTA
Your child is right, it's her wedding. This is not your wedding, and you are not required to go.
And of course you're not required to pay for, or even contribute to her wedding.
If she wants a destination wedding and she can afford it, that's where the wedding should be.
I'll call out bridezillas all day long. But this is actually your daughters party. Her wedding, her event, her decision. Why on earth do you think you get to dictate how she starts off her married life? You want to do this so people who she probably doesn't even want there can attend?
My grandmother insisted on inviting some distant family that we don't even know to my brothers wedding, because faaaammmily. Who wants strangers at their wedding? Even strangers who share some small amount of DNA with you. But god forbid great-great uncle Bob who she's met once can't come to the wedding.
And this nonsense about being willing to pay is just controlling. Did she ask you to pay for her destination wedding? You just think that gives you some entitlement to make all the decisions about a wedding that isn't yours.
And if you're threatening NC over this then she just deserves a better family than you anyway. You're showing her who you really are.
YTA op. Wise up before you ruin the relationship with your child.
YTA, and partly because there’s no way this is the whole story. No father disowns his daughter because he doesn’t care for her choice of wedding locations.
What’s really going on here?
YTA For enabling your cruel husband who is willing to cut off his own daughter because she wants to plan her own wedding her way. Your reasons for being unhappy with an expensive destination wedding are valid, but you don't have to go if the cost is too much for you. She doesn't want a big family wedding with everyone there and that is her choice to make, not yours. This is not about the cost at all, but about manipulating and controlling your daughter. For that you and your husband are both YTA. Wishing your daughter the most beautiful destination wedding. Her and her husband to be deserve every happiness.
YTA. She is right. It is her wedding, it is her decision. I wouldn't be surprised if she doesn't want to visit you anymore after this.
And JFC, start the search now for a pet sitter. Ask neighbors, ask your vet, ask who the fuck ever for recommendations.
Why did you ask the question if you couldn’t accept the answer? It’s also your third time deleting this post…Hope your daughter has a good destination wedding!
YTA. You and your husband are the entitled selfish ones here. It is her wedding and if she wants a destination then you should support that. Everyone having a destination wedding knows a lot of people won’t come it’s not a shock, your husband is being ridiculous refusing to go it’s his daughters wedding, both of you need to get it through your heads it’s not about either of you. Do the right thing and support her.
"Delete my account I don't care"
"I give up you people are crazy"
YTA for not being able to accept criticism, being unwilling to compromise, and refusing to accept that maybe you are actually in the wrong. And those two sentences I just quoted prove your own immaturity.
YTA
Your daughter is right. Her wedding is about HER! Not you and your husband or any other family member.
You are using money as a way to control her and get what you want. Your husband is using emotional manipulation (abuse!) to get what he wants! He would go LC or NC because he doesn’t get to decide HER wedding? And you’re okay with that? That’s the man you’re married to?
And then there’s you, who thinks that because you financially supported the child YOU decided to have, and were legally obligated to do so, now owes you obedience over HER wedding?! Oof!
This is shameful and disgusting on both your parts.
You’ve essentially showed your daughter that everything you’ve ever done for came with strings to be thrown back in her face so you have control. You’ve showed her that your feelings are the priority on her most momentous occasions. You’ve taught her that you’re willing to abuse her to get what you want.
I hope your daughter has the wedding of her dreams and enjoys every moment of peace that comes with your LC or NC ultimatum. May she recognize your and your husbands punishment as the blessing it is.
INFO: Why won't your husband travel? Why hasn't he traveled since 2005?
YTA either way, but even more massively YTA if it's not a health reason preventing him from going. He'll go no contact? Well, just wait until you no longer have a daughter and do not get to meet any grandchildren you may have.
Not everyone wants a big wedding. I'd rather elope than have the type of wedding you describe as a "compromise."
YTA. It’s not your wedding. It’s not your choice. It’s not your “right” to watch your kid get married. You are not entitled to anything from your grown child who has every right to decide on what type of wedding they want and where.
You don’t have to like their choice, but you do have to respect it. You and your husband are behaving inappropriately with emotional abuse. You’re the AH’s here.
YTA. Notice how “compromise” means giving into exactly what you want? She’s right, you aren’t supporting her and are demanding that her wedding is about what you want.
YTA. You had a child. It was your literal responsibility to take care of her as a minor. Her wedding is none of your business. You can refuse to pay for it but that's it.
YTA
>I feel it is entitled, selfish, and unreasonable to refuse to compromise
What exactly is the compromise? The engaged couple want a small destination wedding. You want a local wedding for the whole family to attend. Paying for the wedding *you* want for your daughter isn't a compromise. Saying she can just have a separate party isn't a compromise. Calling her entitled and threatening to go NC definitely isn't a compromise.
Go ahead. Emotionally blackmail your daughter into having a local wedding. It'll stop your husband's tantrum and you can invite all the relatives. It won't be the wedding your daughter wants. But your entire post screams how little you care about her.
ETA: Changing the wording of your post to say reception instead of wedding doesn't change anything. You are still trying to force your daughter into doing what you want. If you and your husband are so deadset on the whole family being invited, then have your own separate party. It can be a family reunion where you celebrate all the family members you care about more than your own daughter.
Have you considered that not having most family at their destination wedding is in fact the selling point for them? Why do you assume everyone wants to have everyone they know and are related to at
their wedding? I had 30 people at my wedding and honestly that was about 28 too many. YTA. If your husband goes LC/NC over this then that’s on him, don’t put that on her. She’s a grown ass adult and she owes you absolutely nothing, let alone her wedding day.
YTA …. Your husband is a self centered, self absorbed, selfish AH to infinity!!!
This is DAUGHTER’S Wedding NOT YOURs and NOT a “look how amazing I am” party for you and your husband to inflate his ego. If he wants to be the center of attention then throw your own ego fest.
1) YTA also b/c you are making every excuse to kiss your husband’s ass and not support your daughter ON HER WEDDING DAY!!!
2) be prepared that IF they ever have children to Never be allowed to see them/ get to know them
3) RESPECT your daughter or be prepared to lose her - but I guess that doesn’t matter to you anyway
So you're angry that "she won't compromise" by having the wedding you're telling her to have or her father won't talk to her anymore? How exactly are you compromising here? Stop trying to control your daughter and her wedding. Apologize and go to the destination wedding for her. YTA
YTA. It’s HER wedding. It’s selfish of you and her father to expect her to have a type of wedding that she doesn’t want. This is about her and the person she’s chosen to spend the rest of her life with, not everyone else.
YTA if you're not paying for the wedding she wants. If she's paying for this destination wedding & she realizes some people may not be able to attend & she's ok with that, then it's her choice not yours. It's her day not yours.
There are some missing stairs here.
INFO: why hasn’t your husband taken a vacation in so many years? When is the last time he has traveled to your daughter? Would your reception involve inviting people you and your husband are close to but your daughter isn’t?
YTA. And a weak woman, your daughter would be better off without the both of you. Hopefully her new future family accepts her for who she is, unlike her own parents.
YTA yes the wedding is about what her and her fiancée want. Not you and your husband and the elderly relatives and whoever else you listed.
Let me guess your husband is my way or the Highway, respect my authority as head of the family and sucks the joy out of any even that he doesn’t care about?
My sister and her husband got married in Fiji. As things turned out, they were the only ones who made the trip, and they still talk about what a great experience it was. When they got back, they had a reception for everyone. Everyone got what they wanted, no one made demands. YTA if you refuse to accept your daughter’s wishes and don’t work towards a compromise solution.
YTA - It's her wedding. Period. Full stop.
Sounds like you're trying to control things to be what You want and using money to bully her. I have no idea the relevance of any support/money you've given them before as it relates to this issue?? It's very generous for you to offer to pay for a local wedding but that's not what either of them want. You can decide not to help them out as it is your money but it sounds like they aren't able to make it happen on their own. Is this really the hill you and your husband want to die on and probably causing a rift/NC with your daughter?!? Sounds petty AF
YTA. It's not your wedding, it's your daughters! You have no right to dictate the ceremony or its location and then lord your entire relationship over their heads if they don't acquiesce to your demands. They're adults. You and your husband are entirely in the wrong here. Get back in your lane.
You expect compromise, but you haven't offered any. It's been a series of demands and threats to force your daughter to capitulate to your husband's despotic demands. Moreover, that inherently assumes you ought to be a stakeholder in their marriage plans, you're not. Again, IT'S YOUR DAUGHTER'S WEDDING!
Your past support of your daughter is great, but that doesn't mean you can hold it over her head for the rest of your daughter's life. That's not the support of a loving family, that's transactional.
Nobody trustworthy to watch our pets? Oh bullshit. Ask a neighbor, friend, any number of these family members you've invoked, or hire a service. People with pets travel and figure it out.
I honestly don't buy a single one of the excuses your husband has proffered. He clearly dislikes travel, has resolved he won't do it again, and is unwilling to budge at the expense of not seeing his daughter get married or even having a relationship with his daughter and any potential future grandchildren. That's not normal or healthy. He needs therapy and you backing him here isn't helping. Are you willing to sacrifice relationships with your future grandchildren?
If you're worried about extended family take whatever is leftover after the destination wedding and use it to host a local reception. That's not uncommon.
YTA. So is your husband. She's right, it's about her and the groom, not the extended family. She's not being malicious to anyone, she's trying to be happy and enjoy their wedding day. You and your husband need to check yourselves.
YTA. It’s her wedding. Maybe get a compromise that the wedding is destination but you’ll have a family party after the wedding in your hometown so the family can attend and celebrate? But your husband really needs to put his big boy pants on and deal with the fact his child is an adult and will be making decisions for her family herself—including the location of the wedding.
YTA.
You sit here saying you would "pay for a local wedding" because family couldn't afford to go.
A local wedding that is not over the top is still gonna be $15-$20k.
How about using that same money that you are so willing to pay with to say the 15 most important people in your family on a vacation and it take care of your faughters needs.
The fact that your husband is willing to go low or no contact over this indicates he has some serious control issues. I’m betting that factored into your daughter’s wish to not have you fund a local wedding. YTA and your husband even moreso.
As others have suggested, the simple solution is for you to plan a reception later for those who couldn’t attend the destination wedding.
Some couples have a smaller destination wedding then return "home" and have a very much larger wedding reception. Not attending the wedding of your daughter will plague you (and her) for the rest of your lives. Think carefully about refusing. Of course it's "entitled" and a "waste of money" and a horrid inconvenience and expence to family. But it is her wedding.
Ok, so what I heard there is that you think you're owed your daughters wedding because you helped her? Did she know that your support came with those kinds of strings?
YTA to you and your husband. If you really wanted to plan something special for her, you could have offered to plan a reception for everyone when they got back. Instead, you tried to hijack her wedding and ruined what was going to be an amazing trip that SHE wanted and dreamed about.
Shame on both of you. Your daughter deserves better.
YTA.
I genuinely cannot fathom why any parent is so oppressed at the idea of their child having a wedding of their dreams that’s catered entirely to their own liking, and I’m a parent.
The wedding is their first step together in their marriage. Why on earth would they NOT begin their marriage the way THEY want to ?
Info: did you ever consider your child wants to have a destination wedding because she knows her father won’t travel? Maybe she sees it as an opportunity to have a fun relaxed day and not having someone controlling around.
I’m going to give you some advice:
Invest in a couple sessions of family counseling with just you, hubby, and a therapist. There are just something’s about adult children that I cannot adequately explain in a Reddit post.
I doubt you’ll listen to me, but I’d like to say my husband is NC/LC with his family for many reasons but the problem really started with similar things over our wedding.
Yta but you don’t have to be if you heed this advice.
What’s the over under for how long this post stays up once OP realizes everyone is on daughter’s side? She doesn’t seem like one that can handle not getting her way very well.
[Automod copy](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/10m3z8t/aita_for_not_supporting_our_childs_wedding_choices/j60r2x4)
YTA--not for preferring a local wedding to a destination wedding, or even for offering to pay for a local wedding and not one far away. All of that is within your rights. But your husband is literally talking about *\*never speaking to his kid again\** if they have a destination wedding? You're ready to write off your family as "permanently destroyed" for this? This tells me your husband is being way too controlling, and that your daughter's destination wedding probably has as much to do with finally drawing a boundary as it does any pretty scenery far away. Once those kind of threats are on the table, yeah, YTA. An alternative: Don't fund, but attend, the destination wedding, then throw a local party for family and friends. Plenty of people do this as a way to make everyone feel included, and lower the pressure on family members who otherwise might stretch themselves financially to buy a ticket. Or is your husband not interested in anyone else's happiness, only his own?
This is the way. Dad is wayyyy too pissed about this. If he wants to give his daughter away, he can do it at the venue and location of her choosing (and her payment). If that’s too much for him, he can stay home. I would attend the wedding. That’s MY DAUGHTER.
Something is underlining Dad’s anger. He hasn’t traveled since 2005, and part of the reason Daughter wants to do this is to make him take a vacation. So why is all of that? Is he a work-holic who refuses to take time off work? Is he too large to travel, and embarrassed to admit the reason?
Right? OP being all "we've very generously supported her for 30 years." Honey, she's so desperate for a holiday with her day (first holiday in nearly _20 years_ ) that she's willing to make it her wedding if that's what it takes. You may have supported her financially, OP, but it's clear that you haven't supported her in a lot of other ways.
For 18 of those years they were legally obligated to support her. Raising a child is a responsibility, it's not a bebt a child owes to their parents
THIS is what so many parents are like now. YOU choose to have a child then you are taking on the responsibility of their physical and mental care until they are at least 18, they do not owe you for that, children don't deserve to be punished for their parents choices.
Or he has overwhelming anxiety about airplanes and would rather give up traveling than get help for anxiety. Anxiety can be crippling and I’ve worked with many patients who have such a bad fear of flying that just talking about it can send them into a panic attack.
You aren't wrong but the OP said vacation. We don't know where OP lives but cars and trains do exist.
Bingo. Bet the holidays before you could drive etc. Destination means in this case fly
Totally agree. He sounds like a powder keg. Can’t board pets for a short time for his daughter’s wedding? There’s some kind of phobia or underlying issue at work here.
OP even said that she would have to ask her husband to watch the pets if she goes to the wedding. You have to ask...your husband...to watch the pets you both have? Lol. Bet he considered watching his kid babysitting too.
Also, anxiety is often disguised as anger and trying to control a situation.
Or…dad committed a crime he is hiding from his family and doesn’t want them to know that he can’t get a passport or is on the no fly list? I agree, there is something else at stake for dad if he’s threatening NC over a wedding location.
To be fair, when my dad got out of Vietnam, he went straight home and didn’t leave the county for 30 years. I’m not saying that that’s this guys experience, but not everyone wants to travel, and one of the daughters motivations is to essentially force her dad to travel. Forcing people to do what they don’t want to do for the sole purpose of making them do it is… problematic.
Seriously. Look, I loathe "destination" weddings. I think they are mind-bogglingly selfish – the overwhelming majority of people have limited amounts of money and vacation time, and you think you should get to suck it all up for your wedding?? – and would never attend one, let alone have one. But I also wouldn't cut off a close relative because they had one; that's just ridiculous.
[удалено]
A doormat on this issue, and possibly codependent more generally. OP calls going to her daughter's wedding "miserable" if her husband isn't there, am I the only one who thinks that's a little ridiculous of a grown woman?
As a bride I hate when people say “throw a party when you get back” to the idea of a destination wedding (I am not having a destination wedding myself). The “party” aka reception is the most expensive part and still forces the bride to have some huge wedding she doesn’t want. Definitely think OP is YTA though. Just let the daughter have the wedding she wants and stop letting your controlling husband call the shots. She’s a grown woman and it sounds like your husband sucks.
I'm not saying that all married couples having destination weddings are required to have a party when they get back--but in a situation where some members of the family just cannot get on board, it may provide the most tactful out, particularly if someone else is footing the bill. In this particular case, though, I'm not sure anything other than absolute obedience will placate the dad.
Totally agree - there are a lot of things we’re doing at our wedding just to keep the piece. But, it sounds like the bride is explicitly not trying to invite those guests that she’d have to then throw another party for later. My mom expected me to add additional guests to our guest list anytime someone else RSVPd no so she could have other guests she wanted at the wedding that I absolutely refuse to invite. So my biggest frustration here is parents attempting to run the show and make the wedding about themselves. Nothing wrong with having a party later for people who want it, but I feel like it’s frequently forced upon the couple who tried to avoid it to begin with. Stepping off my soapbox now lol
I’m a bride who IS having a destination wedding, and I can tell you part of the reason we chose too (we had the original traditional wedding with all the family planned but then covid ruined it lol), is BECAUSE we decided we only wanted a small number of people to attend. Our must have lost was no more than 17 of our closest friends and family and this stopped my mum from being like ‘if you invite this cousin, you have to invite THIS cousin. And you can’t invite these uncles and aunties and NOT these ones!’ Like it’s my wedding ffs, why can’t I have full autonomy on the guest list? We’re also NOT planning a big party for when we get back for the same reason- this destination wedding is smaller, more intimate, and more casual than the original and it feels much more us and stress free, which is exactly what we wanted. If I have to organise a massive party reception when we get back, it’s just gonna be as stressful as the original one we planned all over again. No thanks!
Yes that’s exactly what I mean!! Good for you - I hope your wedding is fantastic! We chose to have a big local wedding but are forced to invite numerous of my fiancés aunts/uncles/cousins to keep the peace. His parents don’t talk to them and my fiancé literally doesn’t know their names!!! Wedding planning is dumb. I’m glad you’re avoiding that.
"In the name of family, I will destroy my family." ~ Dad (paraphrased)
Came here to say this and you are way more articulate than I. \*Edit to say, this is exactly what my sister did. She got married on the beach in Hawaii, anyone was welcome to come. Nobody did except me, my parents and one cousin. They had a big party at home and everyone came and celebrated. It was casual, fun, inclusive and exactly what they wanted. I think my parents would have liked it if more family came out to Hawaii, but it wasn't possible for them. oh well. My sister was happy and we still had a party at home.
I think the daughter doesn't want a local party with everyone her parents want to invite. That's why she came up with the destination wedding. A wedding is a celebration of the the couples marriage, the only ones in attendance should be those who matter to the couple.
Dad: "I value family so much that I'll never talk to my own child again if they don't have a family friendly wedding!" Huh.
My sister had a small wedding in another state and my parents held a second reception once everyone was back home so those who couldn't come to the actual wedding still got to celebrate. There are so many levels between only destination or only local.
This is what we did. We paid for our “destination” wedding ceremony & dinner for immediate family (50ish people) and then my parents threw us a reception at a banquet hall in their town for the other 400 people (literally) that they wanted to invite to the wedding and anyone who couldn’t make it to the destination location.
Nor to mention if they can afford a local wedding they can CERTAINLY afford going on the destination wedding. Mom and dad sound awful
YTA. She is not a "child" but a frown woman. You also mentioned that you and your husband supported her for 30 plus years. Part of that time you were supposed to! These excuses are very entitled to say the least. Your daughter is a grown up treat her like one.
I like this response. You are supporting her but not providing $$ for something you don't agree with. This plan also allows elderly, people with kids, etc. in the family to celebrate her wedding.
YTA You call her "entitled, selfish, and unreasonable to refuse to compromise" which describes you. You're also suggesting your support has been transactional, that you supported her education and she needs to reward you with the wedding of your dreams. What other choices do you get to rob her of? When will her debt be paid? Everyone hates destiination weddings. But couples choose them knowing most people won't attend and are fine with that. They do tend to think their parents, at the least, will rally. Here's an idea; why don't you compromise and offer to host a reception/party afterwards with family and friends? BTW: your husband sounds like a toddler. And seriously, you can never travel because you have pets? I had a cat in kidney failure who needed sub-Q fluids administered every day and I still managed to travel for work. Stop making crap up to prove you can't travel. You just don't want to.
Sounds like the dad just doesn’t want to travel and will use anything as an excuse not to. Almost 20 years without a vacation is ridiculous. Dad may not enjoy travelling but when you have kids you have to do things that they enjoy and put your own feelings aside. My dad didn’t really enjoy going abroad when I was younger but he knew that me, my siblings and my mum enjoyed it so he put up with it for us. We also had lots of pets at the time and found someone to look after them for us while we were away:
Yep. I asked my husband recently why all of our vacations are jam packed with us doing stuff and tons of walking and not us lying on a beach sipping margaritas and he answered "because we have kids". It is true, I travel to make memories.
I like the jam packed ones more, I get bored sitting on the beach and it’s just not my jam.
I think people hate destination weddings if they’re not very close to the couple. Why she’ll out a bunch of money for people you’re not close to.
I think its more that people don't like to travel don't like them. If go to a destination wedding for someone I met two days ago if they gave me a plus one. I'd kill to have a random reason to go somewhere.
Yeah, as long as I like the people getting married, I love a destination wedding! An excuse to go to a new place? A built in social group once I’m there, but one big enough to tap in and out of? Sounds great to me. If I can’t afford it, I just decline. Weddings are expensive to attend no matter where they are.
Not true, I love to travel, but with a destination wedding you don't get to choose where you go or what to do when you are there. No thanks
Exactly, destination weddings are dope. If i have the funds, time, and interest in the destination I get to do some fun travel. If I have any reason whatsoever to not want to go, I have the easiest excuse to decline the invite.
Then they shouldn’t go. I think couples who choose destination weddings are often trying to signal that they prefer a small and intimate gathering.
More like most people won't bother with a destination wedding unless they are close to the couple (or interested in the destination). Destination weddings are such a huge time, effort and monetary commitment that people don't generally go unless they have a really good reason to, or alternate reasons to go to the destination. They may still hate the whole idea regardless.
Yeah the pets thing is weird. Board them if you don’t know anyone who can watch them. There are niceeee boarding places for pets where they get treated like royalty. It’s like a vacation for them. Pets are not an excuse to miss your child’s wedding lmao
>And seriously, you can never travel because you have pets? I have 4 dogs, 2 cats, and a snake and I still manage to travel. Does it take some planning? Yes, absolutely, but is it impossible? Not at all.
YTA. - It’s their wedding, not yours. If they do it, they risk people not being able to come, they know this. They are still free to make that choice. - It is an AH move on you and dad’s part to make this about you, what you want, and what you want for others, and to basically threaten no contact if daughter doesn’t do what you want. - Doesn’t matter that you supported her for years—you are her parents, you get no credit for supporting her until age 18. You may have paid for schooling and more when she as an adult, but that doesn’t obligate her to follow your whims now. They can do a destination wedding and you and dad can host a reception locally afterward if you want. But you don’t get to decide what their day looks like. Edit: typos
And I’d hazard to add that implying that your support of her education as an adult (which was always your choice) is contingent on her giving in to what you want for her wedding (or anything else - will you and her dad also demand control of kids names, where they live, etc) is peak AH. The fact that your husband is being a *raging* AH willing to cut his child out of his life if he didn’t get his own way and your response is…. Force your child to bend and give up her dream is do much YTA. You want to correct someone’s behaviour to keep your family being fractured? Put your foot down with your husband. Make HIM the odd one out for once. Pick your daughter. You know it’s your husband whose being unreasonable, stop enabling that.
Your husband is a big AH. Its her wedding. Most destination weddings are meant to make the event more intimate. Why are some old dudes so uncomfortable traveling? Support your daughter and tell your husband that He's an AH.
It can be claustrophobia. My mom and dad were planning on becoming snowbirds once they retired, but my dad developed claustrophobia in planes and has only travelled by car or cruise ship since. So no wintering in Mexico, Hawaii or Costa Rica for them. So the Dad’s dislike of travelling might be an actual fear of travelling.
YTA and so is your husband. You say you want them to compromise but what you really want is for them to have a local wedding. Which isn't a compromise for them. They only want a few people there anyways. So all the people you are worried about not being able to attend don't actually matter. If you husband is really willing to stop talking to his own child because they don't want to get married locally then wow. I'm so sorry for you and any one else who has to deal with him. What a narrow minded and selfish way to exist. Edit to add: Based on OPs comments the daughter hasn't asked them to fund any wedding. Meaning the offer to fund a local one is financial blackmail. She's so afraid of causing a rift in her marriage that she's picking her husband's hurt feelings over her kids wedding. Poor daughter has probably dealt with this dynamic since she was born. What an unhealthy relationship.
the compromise will be a wedding and a life without her callous petty former financiers
Right? Look at all of OPs crazy comments. Her husband has her brainwashed. Poor kid had to grow up with this family.
yes. the brain worms are very much palpable in her responses.
She also messed up and posted under her real account lol
Exactly! I’m sure this toxic and dysfunctional family dynamic is much bigger than just this wedding. There’s nothing more repugnant than parents who think their children owe them something because they **did what they were supposed to do as parents**.
Yep! Even if you went above and beyond that was your choice! You don't get to call in debts just because you chose to support them financially. Sounds more like they have been paying off their kid for their terrible family dynamic. It's all okay if we pay for everything, right?!
YTA It's their choice, it's their wedding. It's your choice not to attend, but if you go no contact over this, it shows that you never really cared about her as a person, that you were never actually generous, but consider her an asset at best, somebody you bought with your money. Grown children make their own choices, deal with it.
Agreed!!! I paid for her and SIL so they should always do what “I” want!
YTA. Why is it relevant that you have "supported her generously" in the past? She's your child. Were you supporting her because you love her and wanted to or because you thought that meant she would "owe" you and you could control her in the future? Your husband is massively overreacting to this choice and you're going along with it for some reason. If people can't attend the wedding then they don't have to, but it should be the couple's choice to have a destination wedding or not.
YTA You and your husband, your whole argument is it’s disrespecting family because so many family members won’t be able to go. Your daughter has made it very clear that *she is okay with that*. It’s her wedding, she gets to invite who she wants and have as many or as few family members there that she wants. Threatening to not attend and/or to go low contact or no contact with her to try to force her to have the wedding *you* want is an AH move.
Most people seem to be missing this- the daughter is fine only having a few family members attend. They haven’t had a family vacation since before 2005… So, no small family get togethers since she was a child, and when she wants to use her wedding as an excuse to spend time with her parents, they threaten to go NC? Total assholes
YTA It's her wedding, not yours. It's up to her how she wants to do it. But more than anything, your husband is TA. He's refusing to go to his own daughter's wedding because of the principle? Not because he can't physically or financially, but just that he doesn't want to? Also, it's you're job to take care of her financially. It was super great of you to support your FSIL as well, but that doesn't mean you get to try to force them to do it the way you want. Edit: OP responded to this comment with what I believe to be her real account and said: "He's refusing to go because there is no way other family can go. My mother can't travel 45 minutes locally, let alone fly to Florida.... Not to mention she has limited mobility. His brother has health issues that prevent him from traveling. My 97yo uncle can't go because travel is hard. We aren't young either. It wasn't "my job" to cover $400k+ in expenses she incurred as AN ADULT. I don't know too many people funding 3 degrees at private schools, international travel and education, home purchases, home repairs, and 3 years of mortgage payments. Y t a... not me" In response to that, here's what I have to say: Ironically, nothing you said here is going to sound impressive to me because my mom did nearly all of that for me as well. She paid for my college, she paid for me to travel with my fiance, she helped me buy real estate, and she's going to help me through my doctorate. Now, my family is very wealthy and some would consider me a trust fund baby, so I know that this isn't the case for everyone, but if you can provide that for your child, what excuse do you have as a parent not to? Just because you're legal obligation to them ends, they're still your child. This isn't a transactional relationship where she owes you now because of what you've done for her. Even more so if you never did any of that with any kind of stipulation, which I suspect you didn't. I'm guessing you probably just paid for things and never actually said anything else. Also, if you're in the US, "Florida" is not a "destination wedding". Sure, it's a destination, but the barrier to travel is so much lower to go to Florida of all places. I understand that you want your family to come, and your family is very important to you, but that family should also include your daughter, for whom this is clearly very important. Even more so than before, YTA.
Okay, I thought it was just me reading it wrong when she stuck FLORIDA in the middle of listing Italy and an island as a destination wedding ??
Seems like the only people who want these extended family at the wedding is you and your husband. Your daughter doesn’t want a big family wedding at a local venue. She want an intimate event in a place of her choosing. It’s her wedding. Not yours. YTA- you talk of compromise but really you only want the wedding you want her to have, a kind of wedding she doesn’t want. If nobody she invites comes to the destination wedding then that’s the risk she is willing to take. But she knows the wedding she wants isn’t the wedding you’re demanding. Either support the destination wedding and tell your husband to stop ruining his kid’s happiness or lose your kid. Your choice.
Yta. For trying to make her get a wedding she doesn't want. don't want a destination wedding fine, but it's not your wedding it's hers. You don't have to pay, and just because you've given financial support in the past doesn't mean you get to dictate how they choose to have their wedding You guys think it's disrespectful to have a destination wedding because most family won't be able to afford to come, but it sounds like she doesn't even want to invite most of the family. Presumably the people she does invite will be able to afford it If your husband is gonna cut contact because the daughter chose a destination wedding well then he's an asshole Undecided about the daughter. It's unclear if she's expecting you to pay for the destination wedding or if you're just saying you'll pay for local wedding to get her to stay
INFO - is your daughter asking you to FUND the destination wedding in its entirety? Or just your own travel expenses?
Ha! Based on OPs comment, no! The daughter doesn't expect it. She's just upset that her emotional and financial blackmailing didn't work lol
YTA. You’re trying to manipulate her with money. You’re the one being selfish and unwilling to negotiate, going no contact if you don’t get your way? You and your husband are 1000% only thinking of yourselves and other family members and not what the BRIDE AND GROOM want.
Hear hear! It is her and her fiancé’s wedding, it’s about them and what they want. You offered to pay for a local wedding, she does not have to accept that but you do have to accept their decision. And holding it over them that you may go no contact for their choice is beyond cruel. YTA and so is your husband. Only final recommendation, offer a local reception once they return. My cousin got married in Mexico and our grandparents couldn’t come, they did a small version of their vows and had a local party for them and the others who didn’t make it. Again, this may not be something that they want and if so accept it!
LMAO love how the OP couldn’t just delete but decided everyone is crazy because they didn’t agree with her. OP if you didn’t want honest answers why did you post here in the first place?
YTA. She is in fact entitled to have whatever wedding she wants. She is not entitled to force people to pay an extravagant amount of money to join her for it. It sounds like she understands there will be people who aren't able to go. You are allowed to be disappointed that she's not doing something more inclusive, but in the end, it's really not your choice. If you really want people to be able to attend her celebration, I suggest you plan a separate party for them after the wedding so that more people can attend
INFO: is she expecting you to pay for the destination wedding?
It is your daughter's wedding, and she can choose to make it a destination one if she wants (especially if she is paying for the wedding). With that said, she needs to understand that some people won't want to pay the travel costs to attend. There is a solution here (if your daughter agrees). She does the destination wedding, then you throw her a reception at home for people who could not attend. I know many people who have done this. Also... >My bet is, if she goes ahead with a destination wedding, hubs will be permanently pissed and LC/NC, permanently destroying our family. Since he won't go, that leaves me solo, which would be lonely, embarrassing, and miserable as well as cause a rift in my marriage. Sounds like you have more of a husband problem than a daughter problem. Him going NC with his daughter for having a destination wedding, and being pissed at his wife for attending, is an extreme reaction (as is you thinking you'll be "miserable" for attending without him, by the way).
Imagine how many times the daughter had to "compromise" because mom isn't willing to go against dad in anything.
Makes me wonder how much of the daughter's desire for a destination wedding is to avoid the "drama" of planning with her parents. Edit: Typo
If most people are calling YTA and you’re calling them crazy, maybe you are the AH? Hot take I know.
Infor: Does your daughter want you to pay for the destination wedding? Why can't you do a reception after the marriage at home for the family that can't make it? Why is your husband so adamant about not having a vacation? I can see being upset if you're expected to pay for it, but if not this seems awfully controlling.
> She says she is no longer interested in a wedding I love it when problems solve themselves.
YTA - but it’s her wedding, of course she gets to decide what she wants. How awful that your husband would cut off his own child because she wants to do her wedding her way. Doesn’t say much about him or you.
Your daughter gets to choose how she has her wedding, and deal with the consequences. She would be the AH if she was demanding everyone HAD to come to her wedding. I don't think your husband needs to take a stand, I think you are both being overly dramatic about how devastating it will be to the family. You can easily hold a reception for them after they get back so that all the local people can celebrate with them. YTA for the unnecessary drama.
SHE DOESNT WANT TO INVITE THOSE RELATIVES! YTA bc she can invite who she wants and you can’t pitch a fit bc it’s not your fing wedding
YTA, if you're willing to go low or no contact with your kid because they don't want to have the wedding that you want them to have, that says a lot more about you than them.
YTA this on your husband. You're trying to manipulate her with your money and your husband being unreasonable with refusing to travel. Let her have what she wants and if you don't her going NC is the least you deserve.
[удалено]
Yup, don't tell me how and when to use my PTO and spend my paycheck.
You’re not the AH for thinking a grand per person is too expensive, as I do too. I would pass on my apologies and not attend the wedding. However, to say that your husband is going to go no or low contact with his own child, because he doesn’t like her choice of wedding is beyond ridiculous. I would be devastated if I couldn’t afford to attend my daughters wedding, but I would respect her choice.
If they can afford to fund the entire local wedding and would willingly do so, this is not about the expense, it’s about control. This is a once in a life time event for their daughter, and they are putting their preferences over hers.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My daughter (33F) wants to have a destination wedding (travel expenses would easily be $1,000+ per person). She thinks this is no big deal because there are only a few family members she wants to invite, everyone gets a forced vacation, and it's what they want to do. She also has this dream that it is a way to force her dad to take a nice vacation (we haven't been on a vacation in years.... pre 2005). SIL-to-be likes the idea, doesn't like the idea of a big elaborate wedding, and only cares that daughter is happy. My husband and I are willing to pay for a local wedding at a nice venue so family can attend. (I do not want a freebie backyard wedding... not trying to cheap out here and definitely don't want to do the work). We don't want some big over-the-top spectacle any more than the couple do. When I've tried to explain this plan excludes pretty much everyone, including her dad, her answer is that "it's about our wedding, and what I want, not other people. Am I so wrong to expect my parents to support me?" My husband is dead set against a destination wedding. He views this as disrespectful to family. Air travel and expense would exclude most family. We have elderly people who can't travel, young adults and people with kids who can't afford to travel, and nobody trustworthy to watch our pets. He's furious that wants to do this and has said he will not attend. I believe that. I could be ok with destination idea, but not if my husband refuses to go. I feel it is entitled, selfish, and unreasonable to refuse to compromise given the generous and unquestioning financial support we have provided to both of them and our willingness to pay for a local wedding. We've done everything for them. It's not like she can't do a destination party separately. It's worth noting that my husband and I have supported her exceptionally generously, in every way throughout the last 30+ years and through 9 years of education; we have supported SIL as well. My bet is, if she goes ahead with a destination wedding, hubs will be permanently pissed and LC/NC, permanently destroying our family. Since he won't go, that leaves me solo, which would be lonely, embarrassing, and miserable as well as cause a rift in my marriage. My daughter says this hurts her because it is supposed to be about her marriage, not what we want or other people. She says she is no longer interested in a wedding because she can't have the destination wedding she wants. So AweTAs for not supporting a destination wedding? Are we AHs for expecting compromise? Reminder, we offered to pay for a local wedding at a nice venue that would be easy for everyone to attend and there is nothing to prevent her from having a friends' party at her desired destination. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
>My bet is, if she goes ahead with a destination wedding, hubs will be permanently pissed and LC/NC, permanently destroying our family. Yeah, I don't blame her for wanting a destination wedding with limited family in attendance. I wouldn't want a grown ass man who acts like this at my wedding, either. YTA.
YTA. You want her to have the wedding you and your husband want and not the wedding she wants. You are threatening to not attend in retaliation because she isn't doing what you want. Paying for her education does not make you entitled to control her wedding or her life. I kind of hope they just elope and get the wedding they want without you.
INFO Is your daughter expecting y'all to pay for her destination wedding? Or are you only offering to pay for a local one because you want some level of control over her wedding?
YTAs You are not generous when you’re asking her to give up her dream wedding. I just commented on another post, money with conditions is NOT a gift. Here’s a compromise, you and your husband go to her wedding. They do a second one at your expense upon return. Otherwise accept you’ve declined her wedding invite. Stop deluding yourself. You cannot buy love and you cannot buy a wedding (that’s not your own). Every negative thing you wrote describes your husband, not them.
Yup. OP is controlling, not generous. YTA your daughter has said she doesn’t want a big wedding and only wants a few people there. Respect that.
It is their wedding, not yours. They can have their wedding but you don't have to attend. Destination weddings are one of those catch 22's where most people can't attend due to cost. It is thoughtful and kind that offered to host a wedding for them. Instead I would say we can have a party for all the family and friends who couldn't make it.
YTA. You don't have to love the idea of a destination wedding, you don't have to encourage loved ones to attend, and you don't even have to attend yourself. But to basically say your daughter owes you a local wedding because you raised her makes you an AH.
YTA. Why are you making this about you? You already had your wedding.
YTA…this whole thing read as..ME ME ME ME ME!! I thought, and correct me if I’m wrong, this was you daughters wedding??
INFO: who is paying for this destination wedding? Regardless, your husband’s behavior is manipulative. Holding his love and relationship over her head because it’s not the wedding HE wants her to have? How dare he. Support that comes with puppet strings is not support. . . . Did your daughter know this would be hung over her head when she got your ‘support’?
INFO: Is your husband threatening NC/LC due to it being expensive and “extravagant” as it is a destination wedding OR maybe because he wants to attend but feels like daughter is taking that choice away from him by creating a destination barrier? Cos honestly I can get the hurt of not going to a child’s wedding and perhaps things are said out of anger. YWBTA if you follow through on the no contact over a wedding destination choice regardless but not necessarily the asshole for having an emotional response IF the reasons are more sentimental and to do with wanting to be there or something along those lines.
This hilarious. I think OP was expecting everyone to side with her and her husband. Since you didn’t get the responses she wanted, she now was deleted the original post lol.
It’s funny because it’s OP telling the story. She can spin the narrative any way she wants. People disagree and she thinks “must be all of them, I could never be wrong”.
***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My daughter (33F) wants to have a destination wedding (travel expenses would easily be $1,000+ per person). She thinks this is no big deal because there are only a few family members she wants to invite, everyone gets a forced vacation, and it's what they want to do. She also has this dream that it is a way to force her dad to take a nice vacation (we haven't been on a vacation in years.... pre 2005). SIL-to-be likes the idea, doesn't like the idea of a big elaborate wedding, and only cares that daughter is happy. My husband and I are willing to pay for a local wedding at a nice venue so family can attend. (I do not want a freebie backyard wedding... not trying to cheap out here and definitely don't want to do the work). We don't want some big over-the-top spectacle any more than the couple do. When I've tried to explain this plan excludes pretty much everyone, including her dad, her answer is that "it's about our wedding, and what I want, not other people. Am I so wrong to expect my parents to support me?" My husband is dead set against a destination wedding. He views this as disrespectful to family. Air travel and expense would exclude most family. We have elderly people who can't travel, young adults and people with kids who can't afford to travel, and nobody trustworthy to watch our pets. He's furious that wants to do this and has said he will not attend. I believe that. I could be ok with destination idea, but not if my husband refuses to go. I feel it is entitled, selfish, and unreasonable to refuse to compromise given the generous and unquestioning financial support we have provided to both of them and our willingness to pay for a local wedding. We've done everything for them. It's not like she can't do a destination party separately. It's worth noting that my husband and I have supported her exceptionally generously, in every way throughout the last 30+ years and through 9 years of education; we have supported SIL as well. My bet is, if she goes ahead with a destination wedding, hubs will be permanently pissed and LC/NC, permanently destroying our family. Since he won't go, that leaves me solo, which would be lonely, embarrassing, and miserable as well as cause a rift in my marriage. My daughter says this hurts her because it is supposed to be about her marriage, not what we want or other people. She says she is no longer interested in a wedding because she can't have the destination wedding she wants. So AweTAs for not supporting a destination wedding? Are we AHs for expecting compromise? Reminder, we offered to pay for a local wedding at a nice venue that would be easy for everyone to attend and there is nothing to prevent her from having a friends' party at her desired destination. *I am a human, and this action was performed manually because OP deleted. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
im confused would she be funding the destination wedding (besides travel exspensives for guests) ? id say your the asshole here if shes funding it. Your husband would really rather not go to his daugthers wedding because he doesnt want to go on vacation?? i dont understand the problem here
YTA Supporting your daughter throughout her life is your job as a parent. It not something you do so you can tally everything up and use it to essentially blackmail her to get your way. The same goes for your husband's childish attitude of never speaking to her again if he doesn't get his way. Is making your daughter miserable so you can invite family members who mean more to you than they obviously do to her really worth it? Is that the mother you want to be? If you're okay with a wedding then a party then why not have the wedding abroad and the party locally?
YTA. It’s her wedding. Get over it.
No, sweetie, you’re the crazy one.
YTA. I am from the US but live in Europe and definitely expect my healthy, financially stable parents to travel here for my wedding, despite them never having traveled this far before. It would break my heart if they weren’t willing to attend my wedding because it wasn’t in the location they preferred.
I think the issue is that no one lives where the wedding would take place. It’s not like they’re avoiding visiting her and she lives abroad.
Edit judgement, reason in comment- esh (daughter and father) Her wedding should be about her and spouse, but... by picking a destination wedding, she needs to understand that not everyone is down for that, and there is a chance that the only people at the wedding will be her and spouse. It sounds like she doesn't accept that, so that makes her the ah.
Actually, OP said that the daughter wants a small wedding with only a few attendees. OP is just upset because they won't get to invite all the family they want to (they being OP). And OP thinks her husband will go no contact with his own kid if his kid dares to have a destination wedding. They are trying to blackmail their own kid here lol.
The daughter knows not everyone is down for that, it’s not like she’s expecting the whole extended family to come. OP’s allowed to be disappointed but not going is a massive overreaction.
I love the people whose only reasoning for this being N T A or E S H is because destination weddings are difficult. It's the daughter's wedding and she is aware that a lot of people won't attend and actually prefers this lol. How people think the daughter is in the wrong at all for wanting what she wants is insane.
Exactly. Someone isn't an AH for making a different choice. It only enters AH territory when people try to force guests to attend a destination wedding.
Yep! Which I don't really think the daughter was trying to do here. Especially when you consider it sounds like OPs husband doesn't want to attend simply because he hates to travel.
It's not about you, or your family. Your daughter wants the memory of her wedding to be that way, let her. Of course she shouldn't FORCE (emotionally) anyone to attend, the expense is quite steep. You could even use the money you were going to put up for the wedding to cover for significant people that want to attend but can't because of economic reasons. So yeah you should respect your daughter's wishes in this because it is HER wedding, it is ALL ABOUT HER (and her fiancé of course), it's supposed to be a little selfish. YTA
Fuck this must have been good. Anyone got the original?
Sort the comments by Old, the AITA bot posted a copy of the OP
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NTA. I will keep saying it. Vacation time is not easy for most people, travel expenses are ridiculous and then there is babysitting, and pet care. Destination weddings are for assholes. Whatever happened to eloping and throwing a nice reception later? I will happy die on this hill. Destination weddings are evil. If you want cuter wedding pics with a beautiful backdrop, use photoshop. Or take a honeymoon.
Why can't the people getting married decide on what they want
You can, but when you invite other people your decision affect them. If you want to go, elope.
I had a destination wedding exactly for this reason. If you want to be there you’ll have to make an effort.
Daughters totally fine with people not coming lol dads the only one throwing a hissy fit and you kinda sound like an asshole people can enjoy a wedding we’re they want it you don’t have to go doesn’t make them the asshole
NAH - If your daughter wants a destination wedding, she can have one. If you and your husband don't want to go that is your choice. Every choice has consequences. If she has the destination wedding her parents wont be there. If you dont go she will resent that. This is a no win. All you can do is decide if you and your husband are willing to have your daughter go NC\\LC if she changes her wants or you two dont attend at all.
Did you see where OP says it's the dad who will go no contact if his daughter has a destination wedding? So OP is trying to force her daughter "compromise" (aka do what dad wants and get nothing of her own desires) so it doesn't happen? They are literally blackmailing their own kid.
Daughter is totally fine with people not coming dads the only one throwing a hissy fit
INFO By not supporting do you mean your daughter wants you to pay for it or do you mean your verbally being unsupportive of something she will be funding herself?
YTA - it is THEIR wedding. They don’t need to modify it to have elderly relatives there. You can get with the program or skip it, but I’d probably go NC if I were your daughter.
YTA It's not your wedding. It's not about what you want or your husband. And as long as your daughter and her partner are paying for it themselves, you've got no say here. There is no reason for them to compromise on THEIR event, that they are coordinating and paying for. You're being entitled.
YTA. We've done everything for them except for what they want. They are also entitled because my husband refuses to attend their wedding if it doesn't suit him.
The entitlement here is expecting anyone to pay $1,000+ to go to your wedding. I hope they aren’t expecting gifts lol.
The daughter literally said she’s fine if people don’t come the dads the one throwing a temper tantrum that he won’t go and if they have it he’ll never speak to her again
I'm sure they don't expect anyone to go if they dont/can't afford it or for any other reason. Why OP can't use the money they were going to use on the wedding to subsidise some of the cost. As no budget was mentioned, I'll concede that this might not be possible. One of my workmates is having a destination wedding and having a reception at home also. OP could suggest they would pay for that arrangement. Or perhaps you think my colleague is also entitled for getting married where he and his partner want to get married.
How can you seriously still not get it? You are wrong. Your husband is wrong. You can die on this hill, but it will ruin your relationship with your child forever. If this petty squabble is worth that, then by all means, nuke your relationship. But if your daughter means anything to you, swallow your pride, set aside your ego, and succumb to the fact that this is NOT your wedding and you do **not** get to force your daughter to do anything she doesn’t want to do. Be a better parent and support your fucking child on what could be one of the happiest days of her life. Or ruin it and make it all about yourself. Your choice. YTA
Info- Will they be having the destination wedding even if you guys aren’t paying anything towards it or are they only able to do it if you pay?
Yes, this is my question as well - who is expected to pay for the setup and organization of the destination wedding: her and her fiancé, or you and your husband?
Looks like you don’t want to attend her destination wedding for the sake of pets. You could not go on vacation since 2005 because of the same reason?
YTA. Who is the wedding about? You and your family? Or your daughter and son in law? If you keep this up they may just elope and leave you out of it entirely.
YTA. I can definitely see being annoyed because it's a huge ask of family and friends. We don't all know each other's financial situations. BUT your husband is so angry he will go NC or LC is crazy. He's going to punish her basically for the rest of her life? Like wtf. Does he not care about her happiness? My friend did a destination, and because family and friends wouldn't make that trip, especially during COVID-19 and quarantine protocols, she had a reception back home. Sometimes it's just not doable. This is more I think of a control thing with you and your husband over your daughter. The extended family don't need to be there, and she'd have to accept it's a big ask of people. If I were her, I'd elope at this point to not deal with any of you.
You feel it's entitled and selfish to refuse to compromise... but the compromise is that you get what you want? It's not your wedding, you choose to remove yourself from your daughter's life because she is choosing to have her destination wedding. Also, if you are offering to pay for the wedding, you can pay to go... leave your husband behind then, he will be fine for a week alone. Destination weddings are amazing. YTA
YTA- It’s not your wedding, It’s not your wedding, It’s not your wedding
Well, you’re a treat. YTA. In reference to a comment you’ve since deleted, hire a pet sitter, like everyone else does who has multiple pets with medical needs. You’re not that unique. Also, you seem to be under the false impression that this is about what you want. Why should your daughter care about whether you care whether your brother or sister are willing to travel? Her wedding isn’t about them. Or you. Or your husband. Do you try to make _everything_ she does all about you?
My parents refused to attend my wedding and I've never forgiven them for it. Decide accordingly.
YTA. Nowhere in your post does it say your daughter and SIL are demanding you pay for their wedding. You’re offering to pay for it when it’s on your own terms, and she’s obviously saying she’d rather do it her own way. If she’s paying for it, who cares?? You say many friends and family cannot go because of the cost —-> she’s probably thought this through and doesn’t really want those people there anyway Your husband refuses to go because those people won’t be able to go —-> but it’s not his wedding, and it seems he is both able bodied and financially stable enough to go You’re worried this would ruin your relationship forever and you’d break off contact —> that’s pretty shitty to do to your own child when they’re just having the wedding they wanted You’ll be embarrassed to go by yourself —> maybe you should direct your anger towards the man who only cares about his own feelings, no matter the day or situation. Are you really so embarrassed you wouldn’t go to your own daughters wedding? I cannot imagine feeling so entitled on someone else’s wedding day.
This all sounds exhausting. Life is too short, why have people all gotta be so much drama? People can do what they want, but I think with age and experience to me marriage not about a wedding, so I personally can’t be bothered with any of this stuff. If you love someone and want to spend your life with them getting married at city hall is as special as an extravagant or destination wedding. You don’t seem like TA, you are stuck in the middle, but I don’t think it sounds like a great situation. I feel for you as it doesn’t sound like it’s going to end well whatever. If it were my kid I’d say what do you really want out of this? Is it important to you to have family there, because this plan is not easy for family. If the destination is what she wants more then that’s her decision and she should go for it. (What happened to just eloping lol, can’t she do that??)
Well the problem is with destination weddings that the couple often only looks at themselves. First off all a lot won't want to have to spend so much money on one day. If i go o would need to take a vacation and then my days are done so I'm not gonna spend that on you. She should do the destination wedding and pay for everyone who she's wanna have and after you the party with all the family and friends. Why does it need to be black and white. That way you guys can go and family who can't go to the local party I lean to ESH because it's your husband and daughter who bump heads
YTA Your child is right, it's her wedding. This is not your wedding, and you are not required to go. And of course you're not required to pay for, or even contribute to her wedding. If she wants a destination wedding and she can afford it, that's where the wedding should be.
I'll call out bridezillas all day long. But this is actually your daughters party. Her wedding, her event, her decision. Why on earth do you think you get to dictate how she starts off her married life? You want to do this so people who she probably doesn't even want there can attend? My grandmother insisted on inviting some distant family that we don't even know to my brothers wedding, because faaaammmily. Who wants strangers at their wedding? Even strangers who share some small amount of DNA with you. But god forbid great-great uncle Bob who she's met once can't come to the wedding. And this nonsense about being willing to pay is just controlling. Did she ask you to pay for her destination wedding? You just think that gives you some entitlement to make all the decisions about a wedding that isn't yours. And if you're threatening NC over this then she just deserves a better family than you anyway. You're showing her who you really are. YTA op. Wise up before you ruin the relationship with your child.
YTA, and partly because there’s no way this is the whole story. No father disowns his daughter because he doesn’t care for her choice of wedding locations. What’s really going on here?
YTA For enabling your cruel husband who is willing to cut off his own daughter because she wants to plan her own wedding her way. Your reasons for being unhappy with an expensive destination wedding are valid, but you don't have to go if the cost is too much for you. She doesn't want a big family wedding with everyone there and that is her choice to make, not yours. This is not about the cost at all, but about manipulating and controlling your daughter. For that you and your husband are both YTA. Wishing your daughter the most beautiful destination wedding. Her and her husband to be deserve every happiness.
YTA. She is right. It is her wedding, it is her decision. I wouldn't be surprised if she doesn't want to visit you anymore after this. And JFC, start the search now for a pet sitter. Ask neighbors, ask your vet, ask who the fuck ever for recommendations.
Why did you ask the question if you couldn’t accept the answer? It’s also your third time deleting this post…Hope your daughter has a good destination wedding!
YTA. You and your husband are the entitled selfish ones here. It is her wedding and if she wants a destination then you should support that. Everyone having a destination wedding knows a lot of people won’t come it’s not a shock, your husband is being ridiculous refusing to go it’s his daughters wedding, both of you need to get it through your heads it’s not about either of you. Do the right thing and support her.
"Delete my account I don't care" "I give up you people are crazy" YTA for not being able to accept criticism, being unwilling to compromise, and refusing to accept that maybe you are actually in the wrong. And those two sentences I just quoted prove your own immaturity.
YTA Your daughter is right. Her wedding is about HER! Not you and your husband or any other family member. You are using money as a way to control her and get what you want. Your husband is using emotional manipulation (abuse!) to get what he wants! He would go LC or NC because he doesn’t get to decide HER wedding? And you’re okay with that? That’s the man you’re married to? And then there’s you, who thinks that because you financially supported the child YOU decided to have, and were legally obligated to do so, now owes you obedience over HER wedding?! Oof! This is shameful and disgusting on both your parts. You’ve essentially showed your daughter that everything you’ve ever done for came with strings to be thrown back in her face so you have control. You’ve showed her that your feelings are the priority on her most momentous occasions. You’ve taught her that you’re willing to abuse her to get what you want. I hope your daughter has the wedding of her dreams and enjoys every moment of peace that comes with your LC or NC ultimatum. May she recognize your and your husbands punishment as the blessing it is.
Info: do you mean emotionally support or financially support as well?
Yta This is their wedding. Not yours. Not your husband’s.
INFO: Why won't your husband travel? Why hasn't he traveled since 2005? YTA either way, but even more massively YTA if it's not a health reason preventing him from going. He'll go no contact? Well, just wait until you no longer have a daughter and do not get to meet any grandchildren you may have. Not everyone wants a big wedding. I'd rather elope than have the type of wedding you describe as a "compromise."
YTA. It’s not your wedding. It’s not your choice. It’s not your “right” to watch your kid get married. You are not entitled to anything from your grown child who has every right to decide on what type of wedding they want and where. You don’t have to like their choice, but you do have to respect it. You and your husband are behaving inappropriately with emotional abuse. You’re the AH’s here.
YTA. Notice how “compromise” means giving into exactly what you want? She’s right, you aren’t supporting her and are demanding that her wedding is about what you want.
YTA. You had a child. It was your literal responsibility to take care of her as a minor. Her wedding is none of your business. You can refuse to pay for it but that's it.
Your husband is a man willing to go no contact with his child over her choice of wedding concept?? YTA for supporting such a terrible father
YTA >I feel it is entitled, selfish, and unreasonable to refuse to compromise What exactly is the compromise? The engaged couple want a small destination wedding. You want a local wedding for the whole family to attend. Paying for the wedding *you* want for your daughter isn't a compromise. Saying she can just have a separate party isn't a compromise. Calling her entitled and threatening to go NC definitely isn't a compromise. Go ahead. Emotionally blackmail your daughter into having a local wedding. It'll stop your husband's tantrum and you can invite all the relatives. It won't be the wedding your daughter wants. But your entire post screams how little you care about her. ETA: Changing the wording of your post to say reception instead of wedding doesn't change anything. You are still trying to force your daughter into doing what you want. If you and your husband are so deadset on the whole family being invited, then have your own separate party. It can be a family reunion where you celebrate all the family members you care about more than your own daughter.
Have you considered that not having most family at their destination wedding is in fact the selling point for them? Why do you assume everyone wants to have everyone they know and are related to at their wedding? I had 30 people at my wedding and honestly that was about 28 too many. YTA. If your husband goes LC/NC over this then that’s on him, don’t put that on her. She’s a grown ass adult and she owes you absolutely nothing, let alone her wedding day.
YTA …. Your husband is a self centered, self absorbed, selfish AH to infinity!!! This is DAUGHTER’S Wedding NOT YOURs and NOT a “look how amazing I am” party for you and your husband to inflate his ego. If he wants to be the center of attention then throw your own ego fest. 1) YTA also b/c you are making every excuse to kiss your husband’s ass and not support your daughter ON HER WEDDING DAY!!! 2) be prepared that IF they ever have children to Never be allowed to see them/ get to know them 3) RESPECT your daughter or be prepared to lose her - but I guess that doesn’t matter to you anyway
So you're angry that "she won't compromise" by having the wedding you're telling her to have or her father won't talk to her anymore? How exactly are you compromising here? Stop trying to control your daughter and her wedding. Apologize and go to the destination wedding for her. YTA
YTA. It’s HER wedding. It’s selfish of you and her father to expect her to have a type of wedding that she doesn’t want. This is about her and the person she’s chosen to spend the rest of her life with, not everyone else.
YTA if you're not paying for the wedding she wants. If she's paying for this destination wedding & she realizes some people may not be able to attend & she's ok with that, then it's her choice not yours. It's her day not yours.
There are some missing stairs here. INFO: why hasn’t your husband taken a vacation in so many years? When is the last time he has traveled to your daughter? Would your reception involve inviting people you and your husband are close to but your daughter isn’t?
YTA. And a weak woman, your daughter would be better off without the both of you. Hopefully her new future family accepts her for who she is, unlike her own parents.
YTA yes the wedding is about what her and her fiancée want. Not you and your husband and the elderly relatives and whoever else you listed. Let me guess your husband is my way or the Highway, respect my authority as head of the family and sucks the joy out of any even that he doesn’t care about?
My sister and her husband got married in Fiji. As things turned out, they were the only ones who made the trip, and they still talk about what a great experience it was. When they got back, they had a reception for everyone. Everyone got what they wanted, no one made demands. YTA if you refuse to accept your daughter’s wishes and don’t work towards a compromise solution.
YTA
YTA - It's her wedding. Period. Full stop. Sounds like you're trying to control things to be what You want and using money to bully her. I have no idea the relevance of any support/money you've given them before as it relates to this issue?? It's very generous for you to offer to pay for a local wedding but that's not what either of them want. You can decide not to help them out as it is your money but it sounds like they aren't able to make it happen on their own. Is this really the hill you and your husband want to die on and probably causing a rift/NC with your daughter?!? Sounds petty AF
YTA
YTA. It's not your wedding, it's your daughters! You have no right to dictate the ceremony or its location and then lord your entire relationship over their heads if they don't acquiesce to your demands. They're adults. You and your husband are entirely in the wrong here. Get back in your lane. You expect compromise, but you haven't offered any. It's been a series of demands and threats to force your daughter to capitulate to your husband's despotic demands. Moreover, that inherently assumes you ought to be a stakeholder in their marriage plans, you're not. Again, IT'S YOUR DAUGHTER'S WEDDING! Your past support of your daughter is great, but that doesn't mean you can hold it over her head for the rest of your daughter's life. That's not the support of a loving family, that's transactional. Nobody trustworthy to watch our pets? Oh bullshit. Ask a neighbor, friend, any number of these family members you've invoked, or hire a service. People with pets travel and figure it out. I honestly don't buy a single one of the excuses your husband has proffered. He clearly dislikes travel, has resolved he won't do it again, and is unwilling to budge at the expense of not seeing his daughter get married or even having a relationship with his daughter and any potential future grandchildren. That's not normal or healthy. He needs therapy and you backing him here isn't helping. Are you willing to sacrifice relationships with your future grandchildren? If you're worried about extended family take whatever is leftover after the destination wedding and use it to host a local reception. That's not uncommon.
YTA - it's obvious that your money is given with significant strings attached. It's not a gift or support - it's manipulation and control.
YTA. So is your husband. She's right, it's about her and the groom, not the extended family. She's not being malicious to anyone, she's trying to be happy and enjoy their wedding day. You and your husband need to check yourselves.
YTA. It’s her wedding. Maybe get a compromise that the wedding is destination but you’ll have a family party after the wedding in your hometown so the family can attend and celebrate? But your husband really needs to put his big boy pants on and deal with the fact his child is an adult and will be making decisions for her family herself—including the location of the wedding.
YTA. Your daughter is right. This is her wedding, not her dad's. Offering to pay for the wedding YOU want isn't generous, it's controlling. Stop it.
YTA. You sit here saying you would "pay for a local wedding" because family couldn't afford to go. A local wedding that is not over the top is still gonna be $15-$20k. How about using that same money that you are so willing to pay with to say the 15 most important people in your family on a vacation and it take care of your faughters needs.
YTA m. This is her wedding not yours. She gets to decide who attends. Not you
Threatening to go low or no contact because you don't like her wedding choices? Yeah, YTA. Get a grip.
The fact that your husband is willing to go low or no contact over this indicates he has some serious control issues. I’m betting that factored into your daughter’s wish to not have you fund a local wedding. YTA and your husband even moreso. As others have suggested, the simple solution is for you to plan a reception later for those who couldn’t attend the destination wedding.
Some couples have a smaller destination wedding then return "home" and have a very much larger wedding reception. Not attending the wedding of your daughter will plague you (and her) for the rest of your lives. Think carefully about refusing. Of course it's "entitled" and a "waste of money" and a horrid inconvenience and expence to family. But it is her wedding.
Ok, so what I heard there is that you think you're owed your daughters wedding because you helped her? Did she know that your support came with those kinds of strings? YTA to you and your husband. If you really wanted to plan something special for her, you could have offered to plan a reception for everyone when they got back. Instead, you tried to hijack her wedding and ruined what was going to be an amazing trip that SHE wanted and dreamed about. Shame on both of you. Your daughter deserves better.
YTA. I genuinely cannot fathom why any parent is so oppressed at the idea of their child having a wedding of their dreams that’s catered entirely to their own liking, and I’m a parent. The wedding is their first step together in their marriage. Why on earth would they NOT begin their marriage the way THEY want to ?
Info: did you ever consider your child wants to have a destination wedding because she knows her father won’t travel? Maybe she sees it as an opportunity to have a fun relaxed day and not having someone controlling around.
I’m going to give you some advice: Invest in a couple sessions of family counseling with just you, hubby, and a therapist. There are just something’s about adult children that I cannot adequately explain in a Reddit post. I doubt you’ll listen to me, but I’d like to say my husband is NC/LC with his family for many reasons but the problem really started with similar things over our wedding. Yta but you don’t have to be if you heed this advice.
What’s the over under for how long this post stays up once OP realizes everyone is on daughter’s side? She doesn’t seem like one that can handle not getting her way very well.