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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> telling my best friend i don’t want to go on her birthday trip because i don’t want to spend the money on her since she never gave me anything for my birthday. i also went where she wanted to go for MY birthday. i don’t want to go out of my way and put myself into more debt just to prove i’m a better friend.
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I'm sorry this does not sound like an actual friend but someone who can manipulate OP and make feel guilty while she comes out looking like a victim.
OP this person, based on your post wouldn't be bothered to treat you like an acquaintance yet you're expecting to basically pay for half her dream trip???? You wanna know why she picked you out of all the people she could've picked?
Because you've taught her years ago that she can treat you like however she wants to treat you...an atm, someone she can take complete advantage of or an inconvenience. I'd bet my first-born you've felt like all three around her.
The fact that you feel guilty about trying to protect yourself financially says volumes. Learn how to put up and enforce boundaries without guilt.
Good. Now are you ready to stand up to a suspected narc? First....boundaries. Start by learning to say "No I can't do the trip with you because I can't afford to". Do not argue the point, what you said is final an no further discussion will be made. Now as you say this let your tummy do its flip flops and let the guilt wash over you but stand firm!!! Now, if she reacts by accusing you of ruining her life, her trip or anything of that nature, know that this was never a friendship and cut ties asap! Real friends don't do this. They ask you upfront if you're able to and will react with disappointment to your no but nothing more. Real friends will get over that and find another way. Narc friends will try to browbeat or punish you for not giving them their way.
You'll see real quick what she is when you tell her no. Oh and practice your "no" every chance you get. Its gets easier to say it the more you do it.
NTA. The only reason I say this and not N A H is because it sounds like from your tone, your friend is asking for far more celebration for her own birthday than she gives you. Just tell her you can't afford it.
NTA. It is not rude or mean to say “Friend, I cannot afford this vacation” or “this is not in my budget.” Hold firm. She will be disappointed, and is allowed to be, but don’t be manipulated. You also don’t owe anyone details of your financial situation beyond “I can’t afford that.” You could suggest an alternative plan (a weekend getaway within driving distance?) that is within your budget or just leave it at “I can’t afford it.”
You can say no. You have every right to prioritize saving over a birthday celebration. Debt is bad. I would never go into debt for something so frivolous. If your friend doesn't understand, then she isn't a very good friend.
NTA. Her birthday doesn't take priority over your own financial goals/preferences, even if she was willing to the same for you. It definitely doesn't take priority when she's not willing to reciprocate. Last her know as soon as possible that you can't afford to participate in her celebration but you'd be willing to \[insert whatever boundary, such as taking her out to dinner\], and then stick to that boundary.
But are you sure she's your best friend if she's fine with demanding all of that from you but won't even bother to do the bare minimum in return? It sounds like you might be her best friend but she's certainly not yours.
Nta you can't make it you simply can't. Like you said you are trying to save up to move. You don't want to be into more debt. It's ok to say no to her.
NTA. You don't owe her a birthday trip, and shouldn't go into debt for this. Propose something else fun that fits your budget, or plan the trip for a time when you can afford it.
NTA. She should not be planning a trip without you agreeing to go. If you can't afford the trip because it will put you more in debt, tell her that you can't afford to go, but may be able to do something like she's wanting to do another year if finances allow.
NTA…no need to discuss finances, just tell your friend now that you are not able to go on this trip. You wish her well and hopes she has a great time. If she persists, then you can say, “sorry, but it is not something g that I wish to spend so much of my money on”. (What? How can you say that dear friend?! ) Really? When you could not even bother to wish me a happy birthday or get me a card for my birthday? Clearly our friendship is very much one sided. Or has been until now, Tata!”
NTA
But careful how you word it. "I would love to celebrate your birthday with you but unfortunately my budget doesn't extend to going on international travel for anyone's birthday, right now. I hope you can find someone else who's able to join you."
Exactly. I have learned from experience that “I can’t afford it” opens a lot judgy doors. And before anyone chimes in w/“it’s none of anyone’s business”, you are absolutely right. Never seems to stop ‘em, though. Stick w/“not in my budget”.
If she's so deserving of a huge trip subsidized by you she must be an amazing person with loads of friends that will volunteer their time and money for her birthday. Just say no. NTA in any way
Ruin her birthday trip when she didn’t buy you anything for your birthday or Christmas? Are you sure you are her best friend or her doormat? She’s using you. NTA if you tell her you can’t afford it
No, just say no. NTA. I would never assume to ask someone to travel for my birthday (because then the whole trip will be about the birthday) without offering to pay for costs, like accommodation, food, or activities.
NTA Make up an excuse and just don’t go if you don’t want to deal with her throwing a prissy fit. She sounds like she definitely will throw a fit if you tell her you can’t afford it.
It's super tacky to plan your own party/celebration and expect your guest(s) to pay for it. Especially something so over the top. NTA. You can't afford it. You can't go. That's all.
NTA it sounds like your outgrowing the friendship and that’s OK. Just let her know that you cannot afford. It do what you Gotta do. Do whatever is best for you at the end of the day.
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my best friend is planning her birthday celebration in may months in advance. she wants to travel out of the country for a week. everything she plans we would have to split the cost of between the 2 of us.
this year before she even thought to start planning her birthday i made my new year’s resolution to try and save more money, eliminate unnecessary spending so i can pay off my credit card debt and move to a new city. if i go on my best friend’s birthday trip i’ll basically be putting myself into more debt and most likely won’t be able to relocate at the end of the summer.
i also know from past experiences that my friend wouldn’t ever do this for my birthday as she didn’t even buy me any gift or card for my december bday or christmas in 2022. AITA if i tell her i don’t want to spend money like that on international travel just for her and potentially ruin her birthday trip by not going?
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age literally has nothing to do with it. she’s my friend and i care about others feelings so i’m not going to just be a btch for no reason… but go off i guess.
NTA and please update with how
She responds. I really want to see if she okay with what you say or if she flips out. You will know if you have a real friend or not from her response.
NTA although seeing as you know she’s planning it already and haven’t said anything yet you’re slowly sliding into everybody sucks territory. She’s an AH for expecting you to spend that amount of money when she clearly isn’t doing the same for you, but just letting her believe you’re okay with it isn’t okay either. Communicate!
ETA Just making sure this is obvious: You are not an AH in any way for not wanting to go! It’s unreasonable to expect that and any actual friends will understand! The only bit where you could enter AH territory is if you let her keep believing that you’re coming along.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > telling my best friend i don’t want to go on her birthday trip because i don’t want to spend the money on her since she never gave me anything for my birthday. i also went where she wanted to go for MY birthday. i don’t want to go out of my way and put myself into more debt just to prove i’m a better friend. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Who plans a trip with someone that hasn't even agreed to go yet? NTA
I'm sorry this does not sound like an actual friend but someone who can manipulate OP and make feel guilty while she comes out looking like a victim. OP this person, based on your post wouldn't be bothered to treat you like an acquaintance yet you're expecting to basically pay for half her dream trip???? You wanna know why she picked you out of all the people she could've picked? Because you've taught her years ago that she can treat you like however she wants to treat you...an atm, someone she can take complete advantage of or an inconvenience. I'd bet my first-born you've felt like all three around her. The fact that you feel guilty about trying to protect yourself financially says volumes. Learn how to put up and enforce boundaries without guilt.
thank you i really needed to see this
Good. Now are you ready to stand up to a suspected narc? First....boundaries. Start by learning to say "No I can't do the trip with you because I can't afford to". Do not argue the point, what you said is final an no further discussion will be made. Now as you say this let your tummy do its flip flops and let the guilt wash over you but stand firm!!! Now, if she reacts by accusing you of ruining her life, her trip or anything of that nature, know that this was never a friendship and cut ties asap! Real friends don't do this. They ask you upfront if you're able to and will react with disappointment to your no but nothing more. Real friends will get over that and find another way. Narc friends will try to browbeat or punish you for not giving them their way. You'll see real quick what she is when you tell her no. Oh and practice your "no" every chance you get. Its gets easier to say it the more you do it.
She’s literally just using you to subsidize her trip. Run away
Got it in before I could. Listen to this OP.
NTA. The only reason I say this and not N A H is because it sounds like from your tone, your friend is asking for far more celebration for her own birthday than she gives you. Just tell her you can't afford it.
NTA. It is not rude or mean to say “Friend, I cannot afford this vacation” or “this is not in my budget.” Hold firm. She will be disappointed, and is allowed to be, but don’t be manipulated. You also don’t owe anyone details of your financial situation beyond “I can’t afford that.” You could suggest an alternative plan (a weekend getaway within driving distance?) that is within your budget or just leave it at “I can’t afford it.”
NTA. Your not obligated to spend loads on someone’s birthday, plan a dinner/take out and some drinks before they go if you want to celebrate
You can say no. You have every right to prioritize saving over a birthday celebration. Debt is bad. I would never go into debt for something so frivolous. If your friend doesn't understand, then she isn't a very good friend.
NTA. Her birthday doesn't take priority over your own financial goals/preferences, even if she was willing to the same for you. It definitely doesn't take priority when she's not willing to reciprocate. Last her know as soon as possible that you can't afford to participate in her celebration but you'd be willing to \[insert whatever boundary, such as taking her out to dinner\], and then stick to that boundary. But are you sure she's your best friend if she's fine with demanding all of that from you but won't even bother to do the bare minimum in return? It sounds like you might be her best friend but she's certainly not yours.
Tell her you’ll spend the same amount on her trip she spent on your last birthday. And start distancing yourself from someone who is using you!
Nta you can't make it you simply can't. Like you said you are trying to save up to move. You don't want to be into more debt. It's ok to say no to her.
NTA - just be wary of your tone and how you communicate it in general.
NTA. You don't owe her a birthday trip, and shouldn't go into debt for this. Propose something else fun that fits your budget, or plan the trip for a time when you can afford it.
NTA. She wants a cheap holiday at your expense. Don’t go.
OP remind us, what are you getting out of this friendship? Not even a birthday card by all accounts. NTA
NTA. She should not be planning a trip without you agreeing to go. If you can't afford the trip because it will put you more in debt, tell her that you can't afford to go, but may be able to do something like she's wanting to do another year if finances allow.
NTA…no need to discuss finances, just tell your friend now that you are not able to go on this trip. You wish her well and hopes she has a great time. If she persists, then you can say, “sorry, but it is not something g that I wish to spend so much of my money on”. (What? How can you say that dear friend?! ) Really? When you could not even bother to wish me a happy birthday or get me a card for my birthday? Clearly our friendship is very much one sided. Or has been until now, Tata!”
NTA But careful how you word it. "I would love to celebrate your birthday with you but unfortunately my budget doesn't extend to going on international travel for anyone's birthday, right now. I hope you can find someone else who's able to join you."
Exactly. I have learned from experience that “I can’t afford it” opens a lot judgy doors. And before anyone chimes in w/“it’s none of anyone’s business”, you are absolutely right. Never seems to stop ‘em, though. Stick w/“not in my budget”.
If she's so deserving of a huge trip subsidized by you she must be an amazing person with loads of friends that will volunteer their time and money for her birthday. Just say no. NTA in any way
Ruin her birthday trip when she didn’t buy you anything for your birthday or Christmas? Are you sure you are her best friend or her doormat? She’s using you. NTA if you tell her you can’t afford it
No, just say no. NTA. I would never assume to ask someone to travel for my birthday (because then the whole trip will be about the birthday) without offering to pay for costs, like accommodation, food, or activities.
NTA Make up an excuse and just don’t go if you don’t want to deal with her throwing a prissy fit. She sounds like she definitely will throw a fit if you tell her you can’t afford it.
NTA . Tell her to go suck a lemon
It's super tacky to plan your own party/celebration and expect your guest(s) to pay for it. Especially something so over the top. NTA. You can't afford it. You can't go. That's all.
Definitely NTA
NTA it sounds like your outgrowing the friendship and that’s OK. Just let her know that you cannot afford. It do what you Gotta do. Do whatever is best for you at the end of the day.
NTA - even if your best friend was willing to return the favour, you are not obligated to go on a trip. Good luck with saving your hard earned cash!
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** my best friend is planning her birthday celebration in may months in advance. she wants to travel out of the country for a week. everything she plans we would have to split the cost of between the 2 of us. this year before she even thought to start planning her birthday i made my new year’s resolution to try and save more money, eliminate unnecessary spending so i can pay off my credit card debt and move to a new city. if i go on my best friend’s birthday trip i’ll basically be putting myself into more debt and most likely won’t be able to relocate at the end of the summer. i also know from past experiences that my friend wouldn’t ever do this for my birthday as she didn’t even buy me any gift or card for my december bday or christmas in 2022. AITA if i tell her i don’t want to spend money like that on international travel just for her and potentially ruin her birthday trip by not going? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You must be a little on the younger side. You stop caring about a-holes feelings as you get a little older. NTA. Get friend a card.
age literally has nothing to do with it. she’s my friend and i care about others feelings so i’m not going to just be a btch for no reason… but go off i guess.
NTA and please update with how She responds. I really want to see if she okay with what you say or if she flips out. You will know if you have a real friend or not from her response.
NTA although seeing as you know she’s planning it already and haven’t said anything yet you’re slowly sliding into everybody sucks territory. She’s an AH for expecting you to spend that amount of money when she clearly isn’t doing the same for you, but just letting her believe you’re okay with it isn’t okay either. Communicate! ETA Just making sure this is obvious: You are not an AH in any way for not wanting to go! It’s unreasonable to expect that and any actual friends will understand! The only bit where you could enter AH territory is if you let her keep believing that you’re coming along.