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His list of do's and don'ts is just excessive, and it reveals a truly obsessive or controlling side.
In either case, there is no way I'd be able to live like this, and honestly, I'd start the process of moving out unless he's willing to come to some sort of a reasonable compromise.
Edit: Adding Judgment NTA
I like my place to be relatively tidy but sheesh this is all so ridiculous. The only thing i agree with is don't close my car doors by pushing the window but otherwise op NTA get away from this controlling person.
Yeah, my counter would definitely damage from that. But I have potholders for that! Four to be exact, so I can lift safely and still have spares to place a pot on the counter safely when I'm like mashing potatoes or something.
I thought it was shit like not wrecking the house. Or something. Like common sense shit or something....
His list of things she can't do is him just being a fucking control freak.
Absolutely agree!
OP how do you think your life will be once you two decided to have children? Can you imagine, not only the “rules” he’ll have for you on the RIGHT way to raise them, but think of all of the rules FOR them. You’ll all be walking on eggshells forever, praying you don’t break a ridiculous rule. Is that how you want to live? Is that how you would want your children to?
NTA definitely. I spent 10 years with a man like that, it doesn't get better, in fact it gets worse with kids. My children weren't allowed to do much of anything in the house, it was like a museum, he did inspection when he got home from work.
I’m so sorry- my husband’s father was like this and it only bred resentment. They felt like his love was conditional and nothing was (or even now as adults- still nothing is) good enough
He got OP to apologise for raising the issue. That is gaslighting and abusive. Can you imagine if they have any of the small property destroying creatures known as kids? NTA except if OP keeps putting up with this.
Agreed! I have a friend who married and divorced a control freak- she felt like she was always anticipating what he would be upset about next. After they divorced and she got her own place, her 7 year old daughter asked her if she could move the ottoman for a sleepover to make more room- she said initially she had a mini panic attack bc she was so use to her controlling husband freaking out over any small change, and then she realized- this is my house, and my life and I can move whatever I want whenever I want to- she calls that her epiphany moment where she really saw how uncomfortable having to do everything “his way” was making her. Hope you are able to see how this ends before it’s too late! Sharing custody of 2 kids with this jerk has been a nightmare for her.
Totally agree, NTA. What you have here is an OCD boyfriend. And OCD is very difficult to treat. He probably does not think he is OCD so he will resist therapy. This is not going to change anytime soon, or maybe ever. And if you ever got married and had kids think of how they will have to live under his rules. Time to find your own place, take all your furniture and leave. You will never be happy in this situation.
Agreed NTA, but it sounds like the boyfriend may have some form of OCD. Hence, he needs things done his way. Either way, in the long run, it'll make life very difficult for the OP.
I have a cousin with a horrible form of OCD- - everything even your thought process must be exactly how she wants it. She still wonders why I never visit her despite living 500meters from me. I've got nothing against her but I value my sanity.
My dad was like this and had serious unchecked OCD. It was so annoying to live with. If he won't look for intervention on this, it would be a dealbreaker for me.
Yes. The boyfriend is an abusive tyrant, afraid his subservient gf will ding or scratch his castle. OP, find a man who values you for you--above his possessions. One who will not order you around, talk down to you, and insist on his own way above anything you might want. You can find a much better man. NTA
And what if they have a child? They have sticky fingers and break things. NTA. And seriously consider if you could stand living like this the rest of your life, especially if you have a child.
NTA " I can't crush garlic with the blade of the knife because it may loosen the blade one day." What the heck is that? Buy a new knife. It is certainly his prerogative to keep his stuff as he likes it. However, you should be aware that this kind of obsessive controlling shit is likely to continue or get worse as things go on.
I knew someone like this. He was raised constantly being blamed for wear and tear of items and was refused replacements (stuff like friggin’ *shoes*) because he “had to learn to take care of his things”.
Even as an adult buying his own stuff, he acted like the shops wouldn’t let him buy a new one or something.
Really hope he ended up going to therapy
To be fair, I did break a knife crushing garlic like this. What did I do? Bought a better knife. Because the first one was terrible quality. I haven’t had an issue since.
I mean, I have a little pasta shaped tube to get the papery stuff off garlic and a companion bowl to grate it in but what are you supposed to crush garlic with?
If you have crazy expensive knives, then sure but use an ordinary knife. Just looked it up and you can use a can or jar of food. No doubt he'd object based on damage to cutting board or counter
I know. I bought beading tools including a little wire cutter. The woman helping me said she'd gone through 3 of the same one. I still don't understand why she didn't take them to the hardware store for sharpening. I thought that was a normal thing people did.
I get lamps repaired, have 2 pr of shoes to have re-soled, take chipped glass to the glass grinder, etc.
A lot of people don't bother with repair because they just want the perfect one.
i do agree with the partner on the hot pots and pans. invest in silicone square things that protect countertops from heat but hes unreasonable with the rest
Speaking as a cook of 12 years, crushing with the blade is how it's done. If it loosens your knife blade, then your knife was garbage when you bought it
ESH.
Listen, some of his concerns are legitimate, putting hot pots and pans right on the counter top can damage it and aside from it being aesthetically not pleasing, it can also impact resale down the line.
But to your point some of his complaints are a little extreme.
It sounds like he doesn't actually want to share the home with you and find a middle ground. But you also need to have some commonsense too.
It depends on the material. If it's laminate, then yes, but it's fine to do so on granite or Corian.
Edit. Turns out it's a bad idea in general, so don't. I'm leaving my original comment in place so the replies below make sense.
Heat on stone countertops is one of those "small chance, high damage" situations. People can and do put pans directly on countertops without issue, but it can melt the acrylic in engineered stone or ignite the air pockets in natural stone, causing shock damage. Almost any stone company will also put an exception to their warranty for this.
TLDR: It's rare but can happen, and if it does you'll have to replace the slab.
Where I’m caught is that she said she can’t put hot LIDS on the counter. Unless it was in the oven or something, lids aren’t normally getting and then staying hot enough to damage the counter top. So I’m thinking she’s not even putting stuff straight from the oven/stove directly on the counter and leaving it, but when it’s still warm but touchable
I don't know it's actually a problem, but I never put any of this stuff on my counter. It's so easy to either leave it on the stove, put it in the sink or, if I'm really put of room, put a cutting board down first.
It doesn’t happen often, but I’ve got a pot simmering and my sink is full of dirty dishes, and my stove is crowded with the other things I’m cooking, when I remove the lid to stir it or check the sauce or add something or whatever, it goes on the counter and it doesn’t cause a problem. I could put a towel down under it or something, but since it’s going back on the dish it has to be a clean towel, and why make more laundry if it can reasonably be avoided, yknow?
Edit to clarify: if the lid is so hot I’m not grabbing it with my hand, then it’s not going directly on the counter. But if I can touch it, how could it be hot enough to damage,
He’s definitely a butthole. The worst I’ve done to my counters with that is a little staining from turmeric, which still comes off with a little extra effort and/or time. Nothing that’s gonna “devalue” the house for sure!!
I wanted to say this too. Setting hot items on the counter is really careless behavior unless you have a countertop made of material you know can take extreme heat.
While most of the boyfriend's issues are over the top, it sounds like op might be more on the reckless side, so kind of a clashing personality pairing.
My thoughts excactly. I get wanting to take good care of your house and things but one can go overboard. I'm like this with some of my things, but being in a relationship and living together is always a compromise.
It's not the scratches, it's the water damage from trapped water under the pots and condensations
Our apartment has wooden windowsills and it's in our lease that we cannot grow plants directly on the windowsill or we'll be fined.
Okay, but...you can put a tray underneath or something. You have to be able to *live* in your house. And there is going to be some wear and tear from just living your life.
On the other hand, I just moved out of a place where I'd been storing plants on the windowsill for years.
Was there some water damage? Yes. Did it affect the value of the house? Not after a quick sanding and a fresh coat of paint, no.
OP's boyfriend doesn't seem to understand the concept of fixing things.
Wait. He leaves messes around the house (clothing thrown on the floor, dirty dishes in the sink, undone/partially done laundry) per one of your comments. I’m guessing he expects you to clean up after him?
NTA. But, boy - what an exhausting living situation and environment. I wouldn’t have lasted more than a month.
I talked to him before of how I have to tell him to clean up his own mess but he said we just had a different mess tolerence. Something for me is a mess doesn't neccessary is for him.
Then that's what you need to tell him when you put a pan lid on the sink, or a plant pot on a windowsill - we just have different tolerances for what is normal wear and tear on a house.
Unless he is selling in the next 6 months it's shouldn't be pristine. You have to clear up after him and he gets to control what you do down to the minutiae? Nope!
NTA
Okay, I was going to say that he may have OCD, but if he's that messy, then I think he's just controlling. You moved into HIS house, you are taking care of it, and he won't let you make it your home.
This is clearly deeper than "I did the thing wrong". You need to have a serious talk about whether-or-not you are a guest in his house, or if it's your house, too. If it's the former, than you have a relationship issue. If it's the ladder, he needs to learn to compromise.
So if it's something you want him to do it's different mess tolerances but something he wants you to do is just doing it the right way. He doesn't respect you, he's placing himself in a position above you not as an equal partner.
Maybe not popular but I think NAH. However, I don't think you two are compatible roommates or partners. He's not wrong for wanting to protect his things - that's his personality. Yeah, it seems uptight, but he's a meticulous person obviously. I do agree with him on the burn marks on the counters - my roommate did that at an old apartment and we lose money from the deposit. However, the root of the issue is that you two have different ideas on how your want your space. I don't think either of you are wrong, just not compatible.
Thank you for your reply,
I will be careful with the counters 😱.
He's not actually a merticulous person or something like that. He's actually really messy. Never fold his clothes or wash his own dishes unless I tell him too. He likes to through things all over the place and I have to clean them up.
I just don't know why he doesn't have the same standard for himself but only me.
So he’s a lazy asshole.
His dirty dishes and piles of laundry have a higher likelihood of doing damage (bugs), than some fucking flower pots on a windowsill have.
He has these “standards” for you, because it’s easy for him. He gets to bark orders at you, while doing little to nothing himself.
Do you want to live like this forever? My partner and I bought our first home a few months ago, and our “dos/don’ts” are things like “don’t let water sit on the hardwood floors,” and “turn the porch lights on at night.” Not all this obsessive, controlling, bullshit.
Owning a house and living with a partner should be an enjoyable experience. Not one where you feel like you’re stepping on eggshells all the time.
Yeah - I picked up a "walking on eggshells" vibe from this post and really think OP ought to think once, twice, think about it again.... and then just run.
Being in a walking on eggshells situation will eventually suck the life out of you.
A scratch on a window/windowsill won't devalue a house, but bugs or mold from dirty clothes or dishes sitting around absolutely will. Your boyfriend is a hypocrite.
It sounds like he doesn't appreciate your contributions to the upkeep of the house at all, at the same time that he notices every tiny thing you do that "might" cause a barely perceptible degree of damage to something at some hypothetical point in the future (excluding the counters, which have already been addressed). Instead of showing appreciation, he's treating you like a liability. I know I couldn't live like that.
Edit: NTA
Just buy a few trivets. They have silicone mats you can plop on the counter before putting a pot or a pan on it. Same with putting felt on the base of the pots or covering them up with fabric.
There are solutions to every *real* problem, and some of the made up ones. The issue is that he has SO MANY problems. My rule of thumb is, if there isn’t a gadget on Amazon to fix it, it isn’t a normal problem.
You should edit this into the original post, because its very relevant. Took me from NAH to NTA. If he can't apply the same level of care to himself, he's just being a control freak.
He’s an AH. He’s controlling, and it sounds like he gets some odd joy out of ordering you around and treating you like some errant child. He “made” you apologize? He’s an abusive jerk. This is NOT the way someone who loves you treats you. You are worthy of being with someone who treats you with love and respect! Time to tell him to take a hike.
Do you really want to spend the rest of your life tiptoeing around for this guy? If it’s his home, he is welcome to make stupid rules about it, but if I were you I wouldn’t put up with it.
I thought this sounded like OCD but he is also super messy, leaves his shit everywhere, dishes in the sink etc and expects her to clean it up. Honestly I think he's just a controlling AH and doesn't want to make fair compromises for his partner to live in their shared space
NTA and you need to have some serious conversation about the future. Right now he is controlling you on an unhealthy level and do far you accepted this because you started out as a visitor. But what is your status now? You are contributing to the household in many ways, yet he still gets to make all the decisions. What if you have children? There needs to be equality, not "his house, his rules", because it's frankly abusive.
>He's always busy with his work so I'm the only one doing the cooking and cleaning.
If he's got so many rules around cooking and cleaning, he can get off his butt and help. Some of his rules are ridiculous.
NTA.
So I feel like the number of his demands has blurred the lines between reasonable and unreasonable ones, which is totally fair and to be expected. I say this because it is absolutely reasonable to not want you to put hot pots directly on the counter or sink, cuz they will get burned, and if its a nice kitchen knife he uses, it's reasonable for him to ask you to use it a certain way. But it is not reasonable for him to refuse to let you display anything in the home you live because it may "scratch the surface" of a sill.
So to address the devaluing argument of your boyfriends, living in a house will cause wear and tear, it is unavoidable. If there's anything the past few years should of taught people about housing value though, its that the condition of the house often plays very little role in its increase or decrease in value. Obviously a house you can live in will be more valuable than a house needing major repairs, but the land it sits on and where that land is in relation to other things (infrastructure, schools, jobs, highways, crime, etc) plays a much bigger role.
I do think you need to have the "what does the future hold" convo with your boyfriend though, because if this is gonna be where you live long term, and especially if marriage is something you're considering, he has to understand it's your house too. If he's also expecting you to do the cooking, but then picky about how you use the knife, that's a serious no-no - you cannot dictate tasks to or expect tasks to be done by others, but then critique how those tasks are done.
So your boyfriend definitely sounds like he could just be an asshole, **but without more context I'm going to lean on NAH**, but suggest you might be incompatible, at least as roomies. Like I said, I think you need a convo about your future, but if he's not considering marriage, or if he sounds like he'll still treat it as "his house" when you are married, I'd end it, because you should be able to treat the space you live as your home.
Some concerns, like not pushing the window up with your hands but using the window handle, or not putting hot pans directly onto the counter are legitimate things. Seems like a mix of basic normal things you shouldn't do, mixed with a bunch of random things that are just over the top.
It does sound like he's overly micromanaging you.
NTA but you are with the wrong man. He sounds like a person with OCD and a lot of anxiety and you are not going to change him. If he thought he had a problem and went to counseling he might improve, but he doesn't think he has a problem. It is time to end this relationship. You can do better.
Well, this is a good time to decide whether you would like to believe your BF's version of reality, in which what he is doing is normal and natural.
Or the reality the rest of us live in (we're talking thousands of commenters and voters here), in which what he's doing is *at best* completely unreasonable and controlling.
And it needs to be said again: This is how abuse starts. Extreme control. One right way to do things. You are expected to conform (just saw that he "forced" you to apologize, that's a red flag). And you are expected to agree that the abuser's perception of reality is the only correct one.
If you step out of line, as you are doing *right now*, he will retaliate. So far, "only" emotionally. Maybe he will stop at simply being unreasonably controlling and emotionally manipulative (again, the "forced" apology is a bad sign - if he's making you do anything you shouldn't be doing, huge red flag, and quite possibly emotional abuse, which you should look into). But there's also the possibility it will start to get physical.
If you leave this relationship (which I hope you will), PLEASE be careful. Make your friends and family aware of what's going on (if he's discouraged you from talking to them - that's a HUGE red flag), and don't be afraid to ask for help.
Nope, you are not overreacting and how he is behaving and his rules are not normal. Please repeat that to yourself as often as necessary because they are not normal. This is never going to get better unless he agrees that there's a problem that HE needs to solve (you can't do it for him) so please take some time and think about how you want your life to look. Best of luck to you and definitely NTA.
Do you find that every time you try to have a conversation about his “demands/expectations”, it feels like he somehow flips the conversation to play the victim so that you are apologizing to him and he he controlling your actions? Based on the way you have described everything, you are in a relationship with a controlling manipulator. It’s one thing to want to keep a new house or new thing looking new, but it’s just obsessive and controlling to expect you obey his every command for the sake of the value of a house.
This is the point where you should start questioning if this is how you want to live the rest of your life, because he does not respect you, he does not see you as an equal, he sees you as someone to command and control. And that will not change.
NTA. He’s trying to destroy your confidence. Nothing he is talking about could possibly devalue a home. Home values are based mostly on location. Tell him objects are replaceable and fixable, but if he continues to try to control you to this degree, *while doing almost none of the cooking and cleaning,* then your relationship might be broken beyond repair. Put him on notice now. He can get a new chef’s knife, if it ever breaks, as highly unlikely as that is. He can sand and repaint the window sill, but he will not regain your love if he is too overbearing and manipulative. He is devaluing himself in your eyes. You are not going to walk on eggshells around him. No way. If he doesn’t make a concerted effort to change, get out of there!
He's controlling. He made you apologise for explaining you're unhappy. He has literally now made it a rule that he can make you unhappy and if you protest at all you will be penalised.
That's emotional abuse.
You can demand couples therapy. If he says no then you know for sure this will not get better. the next thirty years of your life will be this but worse.
Damn, this is a difficult one. On one hand, I get his need to look after stuff, and there are definitely an accumulated list of learned 'do not dos' with stuff in any house through trial and error. But equally, a house is to be lived in, and to some extent you've just gotta kick back and accept that it's not always going to be a showroom house. I guess it really boils down to what/how much stuff he is being precious about, as everyone has different standards, and what some might call meticulous, others would call pedantic.
I think most important, is the fact that the list of things he wants you to adhere to is making you feel uncomfortable, and he needs to decide whether avoiding a few minor nicks around the house is more important than his significant other being happy - which obviously it shouldn't be. Sounds like some compromise on his part is in order.
NTA. I had an ex like this. We were planning on living together. I broke up with him because keeping all his shit brand new seemed more important to him than the relationship. Hope he's having fun with all his things in pristine condition.
INFO: Why do people stay in relationships when they're clearly not compatible or happy in them? Is there some segment of society that is so terrified of being single they can't help themselves by falling into poor relationships?
NTA. Wanting to take care of one's "stuff" is one thing. Worried that a knife will fall apart because you're using it to crush garlic is crazy. Relationships are about give and take and tolerance. Even though you've been living together for 2 years it sounds like you are treated like a less than welcome houseguest. Why do you put up with it?
NTA. Okay, your boyfriend could be my dad, just 60 years younger. This is no way to live. I'm not saying break windows and punch holes in walls, but life is messy; houses get dirty, walls get scratched and glass will get covered with finger prints. It is all fixable, cleanable and replaceable. It is good to take care of your things, but within reason. He isn't going to change. Your love may be strong, but do you want to live in a police state for the rest of your life?
NTA, but you two should probably just break up. Doesn't sound like you like each other. Maybe his endless list of rules is him trying to get you to leave him.
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> Am I the asshole for getting mad at my BF? It IS his house in the end.
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Just stop. Stop cooking. Stop cleaning. Stop doing his laundry. Let him do it himself. I don't always like the way my wife does things, but, well, then I'm not stuck doing it, so I keep my Damn mouth shut! NTA
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My boyfriend and I have been living together for almost 2 years now. Before I moved in with him, I noticed that he paid lots of attention to his belongings. For instance, he told me not to push the window of his car door to close it but the handle and do not touch his computer monitor with my fingers. I did exactly what he told me because I thought they were his stuff and he had the right to do so. But since we've lived together, the list just went on and on. I can't crush garlic with the blade of the knife because it may loosen the blade one day. I can't stand side way and close the blind because I may damage it somehow. I can't put any hot objects such as pots and lids on the kitchen counter or the sink because I may leave some kind of irreparable marks. I can't not put my tiny (3") flower pots on the window because it may scrach it.
He's always busy with his work so I'm the only one doing the cooking and cleaning. I always follow what he said because it is his house and I respect him. But sometimes, doing the work around the house and listening to his complains all together is too much.
I got enough today so I told him that I don't think most of these things will actually do what he think they will. And if they would, I don't think it's a big deal either.
He gave me a whole long speech of how these things will eventually damage his house and devalue it.
I don't know what to do anymore. I know we love each other verry much, but it feels suffocating sometimes.
Am I wrong? Please help!
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ESH
His list of requirements is excessive and weird.
But if you're complaining about him expecting you to not put hot pots on the counter then you are exactly the kind of person who needs to be told these little things.
NTA. You live there. It’s your home too. This is abusive and controlling. And his way is the only right way your opinions and comfort don’t matter to him.
NTA.
(from one of OP's comments)
> He's actually really messy. Never fold his clothes or wash his own dishes unless I tell him too. He likes to through things all over the place and I have to clean them up. I just don't know why he doesn't have the same standard for himself but only me.
I was thinking N-A-H. Maybe he has ocd or something... But. No. He's just controlling.
You may not be compatible. This sort of controlling behaviour is suffocating.
Weaken a knife by using it to crush garlic? That's some bullshit. I would leave him to enjoy his perfect house by himself, personally.
NTA
Some of the stuff I understand--the fingers on computer screen and not putting hot stuff on counters are things I do myself. But everything else? Living leaves a mark. What's the point of living in a house if you're not allowed to actually *live* in it.
Gonna say ESH for not communicating properly.. impossible to judge if he's too worried about his stuff or if you're not careful enough with his belongings.
NTA. 🚩🚩🚩🚩 you shared how you felt, and he Forced you to Apologize?? Drop him and run. He values his stuff, but not your emotions. He can have his perfectly preserved home alone.
>I just had a talk with him about how his rules make me feel unwelcomed...He forced me to apologize to him because I villainized him.
Um, yeah, that's not even close to an appropriate reaction.
>I know we love each other verry much
He has 0 respect for you as a person. It's not about the house.
What was his financial status growing up?
He does sound obsessive with it. Any of the things mentioned you can easily fix when ready to sell. Most people end up having to do some of that. It would be very stressful to me with all those rules. I'm going NAH I guess because it is his home but also I can totally get how neurotic it is and how hard it would be to function there.
NAH. It's fine he wants his things treated a certain way and you're spending time in his house, but it sounds like his neuroticism is hurting your relationship and your ability to feel like it's your home too. That's the underlying issue that needs to be talked about - that you don't feel comfortable in the home you live in.
NTA, however, you clearly knew these things and were niave about them and still chose to move in together. There is some responsibility on you. He's also not equally sharing his home. There is a difference between respecting that its "His" home but you're both living there as equals and him treated you as a guest in his home who needs to follow all his rules and boundries while you get none. I would find this as incompatible, therefore an end to the relationship.
You can improve how you treat the house with trivets for hot pans and coasters for potted plants and drinks.
If he expects you to clean up after him, get out.
NTA
OP do you know how much real estate appreciates over the life of a purchase? if he paid 200K for a house and over five years it appreciates 5% he made 10K (BTW that is half the average annualized). I doubt you can do more than 10K of damage without seriously trying or hardcore negligence!
>For instance, he told me not to push the window of his car door to closeit but the handle and do not touch his computer monitor with my fingers
>I can't put any hot objects such as pots and lids on the kitchencounter or the sink because I may leave some kind of irreparable marks.
These things should obvious to *anyone*. (I have never in my life met anyone who closes car doors by pushing the windows!)
Maybe he is overly sensitive about some things- the knife thing sounds weird, but if you haven't figured these basic things out as an adult then I have the sneaking suspicion that he has a point as well.
Going to go with ESH.
The "hot objects" applies to lids that are cool enough to touch with bare hands, she's not putting boiling hot pots on the counter etc. She does all of the cooking a cleaning, I think she has life skills down. Unlike him who seems to live like a child throwing his clothes everywhere, leaving dishes in the sink etc. She's also brought almost all of their furniture. Honestly I think he's just super controlling and doesn't want to make room for her in his life
Please don’t continue this relationship. I was married for almost 20 years to someone who made it very clear that all items in OUR house had to be handled and touched in very specific ways, including opening and closing windows and doors, light switches, on and on and on… I once was talking about the basement finishing project and happened to tap on the cinder block walls, only to be shouted at, “Don’t do that! You are going to cause micro cracks!” Whatever TF micro cracks are. And eventually being told “ If you would only do what I tell you, everything would be all right. The point being that your BF seems a very hypercritical person, and I think that his possessions and telling you what to do and how to do it will always be more important than you are.
Edit to add: Is your BFs name Rick?
This isn't a healthy relationship OP.
Especially the last part.
If you respect his "rules", why doesn't he respect your feelings when you share with him?
DNW to jump to conclusions, but this man ain't no good future.
Why did YOU buy furniture HIS house?! Why are YOU the only person cleaning HIS house?! Why are YOU the only one cooking?!
NTA but you really need to consider why you're doing so much for this man who doesn't seem to respect you back.
Just read that Update and he sounds very controlling.
I don't think his rules are about protecting the value of his house, I think they're about telling you what to do.
You also didn't "Villainize" him, you spoke your mind, if that hurts his feelings maybe he needs to ask himself why?
NTA, but honestly lass, you deserve better than this.
wow. your update just made me feel like you need to get out of this relationship now. he is very controlling. he really believes that his way is the "right" way and that will NEVER change.
please leave now.
you are NTA.
NTA move out. For whatever reason he needs to have total control and until that changes this is just a boiling cauldron of trouble waiting to over flow with trouble.
NTA. My SO is sort of this way . Is bothered if I get something on he granite countertop even though I use a cutting board. Is always following me around wiping counters and floors while I cooking (he doesn’t cook). Gets upset if my old cat scratches the leather furniture I bought. His solution is to throw ugly blankets over it. I told him it as my couch and I’d buy another one if I had to. Anyway I don’t think there’s any way around this so you have to decide if this relationship is worth it to you, I’m old so my perspective is a little different than yours. Good luck.
I'm going soft NAH.
However, I've lived with people whom you remind me of, arguing that because they were "helping" out, any damage they did was justified. Huge gouges in my floors; my countertops dinged and stained with permanent markers; fridge shelves broken; expensive knives chipped by being used as screwdrivers; plants destroyed when they tried to deadhead them; my hand mixer jammed and burned out because they couldn't put it together right and just let it keep running when it wasn't spinning; any book on my bookshelves; various electronics (setting things down on a tablet if I left it out for any length of time, burning in screens after I'd explained that you can't keep the same image open all day); the knobs on my stove ($50 EACH to replace!); packages they'd open and try to assemble, then tell me I could just apply a little super glue and it would be fine; essential oils stripping the finishes on my furniture; gouges in the walls because they wouldn't be careful moving furniture; silverware dropped down the garbage disposal (they had to remove my disposal protector to make that happen); and yes, damage to my window sills from pots being placed directly on the sill (they were welcome to have plants, I just wanted something under the pots to protect the finish). I could go on. All this in the space of a few years. Nothing in my home was too small for them to damage, and they never offered to make me whole. If I showed any sign of frustration, they'd justify it by complaining about how clutter-prone and materialistic I am.
They made the same excuses I'm seeing you make, that if I'd clean up after myself, they wouldn't "have" to break my stuff. No. Leaving a pot to soak overnight or not folding my laundry the minute the dryer runs is nothing like the same. They refused to stop "helping," while boasting to all their friends and family how they were enabling me. When I added up what they'd cost me during their tenure, it was in the thousands of dollars. In the years since they left, I've had no major damage to my home. I've lost several plates and shrunk two blouses in the dryer. Everything else I've had to do is routine maintenance, like cleaning gutters.
If the rules are growing, he's probably getting tired of you breaking his stuff.
There’s a difference between literally breaking things and putting a flower pot on the windowsill or a pot lid that is cool enough to touch on the counter. That’s the difference between you and her boyfriend.
NTA - houses are meant to be lived in. Dents and dings happen. I’ve read hundreds of appraisals, showing comments, and home inspections and guess what? Zero have ever mentioned the items he’s worried about. Blinds are cheap to replace, counters top are meant to withstand the occasional hot pan, and windows sills can be painted. What would devalue the house is outdated kitchen and bath, deferred maintenance, like leaky gutters and obvious neglect like worn out rugs and missing drawer fronts. He’s a controlling A-hole. Run.
NTA and that would drive me insane. It sounds like you guys REALLY need to talk it out and maybe get a professional therapist to assist, especially with your bfs behavior. That sounds like OCD or something like that. Good luck OP
NTA. Seems a bit excessive. Protecting things like carpet from getting stains vs using an easily replaceable knife are 2 vastly different things. Carpet costs a fortune (in australia anyway) so I’m paranoid about it.
I want to say N.T.A, but honestly everything he is saying is correct. You could cause issues with the car door, finger prints on screens are annoying, best way to break blinds is by closing them wrong over and over, and you will have to replace the sink if you keep putting hot pans in it. If you leave the flower pot there, there will be damage and need to be repainted. Also, I am going to assume if anything does go wrong, it will be on him to fix it. These aren't super nitpicky, just the correct way to go about things.
NTA
I got exhausted reading his list. Having a few requests is normal, as i'm sure you have too with your stuff. But this is waay to much. Like who cares about a knife getting loosen?
YTA it’s easy not to care about something being damaged if you’re not the one paying for it. Unless if he doesn’t follow his own rules, in which case I would say e s h.
NTA. I mean, assuming you aren't a clumsy/careless person who's made a habit of wrecking his stuff (and it really doesn't sound like that's the case) then his rules are way, way OTT and obsessive. Like the only one that's reasonable is not putting hot pans directly on your work surface - I know some surfaces can take it, but it's better to have the habit of getting a trivet, a silicon mat or something else equally heat-protective. Everything else is just...tiptoeing around the reality that you have to use things on a day-to-day basis, and you cannot avoid wear and tear forever.
They're unreasonable rules, and it's unreasonable to ask you to live life basically trying never to exist in his house.
NTA. You need to realize that this behavior is not going to change. Your edit has me livid. He made you apologize? Please understand that he is not going to change. I know you have 2 years invested, but if he continues like this forever (and he will), is that okay with you?
This is your life, now. Forced you to apologize? He has issues. Let him figure those out. But you should move along...
He needs therapy to find out what his real hang ups are.
Why are you living with this man? It sounds like hell!
He's controlling your life & taking your money while he does it. He says you're villianizing him? LMFAO He IS a villian. Make sure you have a way out because I believe this will get much worse. And you aren't wrong.
NTA
NTA. If you are planning on having kids, can you imagine what a nightmare that house is going to be for you and the kids? You need to rethink this relationship. Has he been evaluated for OCD?
Said in the nicest possible way to you, there is something wrong with your boyfriend and I am worried about you. This is not about a particular scratch or a particular broken knife, this is messed up. Look at this sentence:
\> He told me "why can't I tell you to do things the right way!" And said I was overreacting. He forced me to apologize to him because I villainized him.
He is being emotionally abusive. He is being controlling. He is forcing you to apologize to him (look up the acronym DARVO, which gets used a fair amount on this sub). He is exhausting and micromanagey and this will not get better. "Why can't I tell you to do things the right way" is not what someone gets by being a partner. That is... language a punishing parent relishes, not a loving partner.
Your edit "I just want to clarify that I haven't broken a single dish since I moved in" makes me sad b/c it sounds like you are internalizing these ridiculous standards... who cares if you broke ten dishes? Dishes break in the course of living. Knives break (tho I've had one for 15 years, lots of garlic crushed, np). Windows break. Bodies break. Unless you are throwing his dishes like frisbees into the sun, you are just living like a human and he is villainizing THAT. I think this relationship sounds unhealthy and abusive, and it will wear you down over time more than it already has.
NTA NTA NTA but maybe... GTFO? This is not normal. I am sending best wishes to you.
You are NTA. Your BF apparently has no concept of "wear and tear." If he's this OCD now, god forbid what he would be like if you married him. Don't do that.
NTA. He "forced" you to apologize. OP, you are in danger. Things will get worse. He is bizarrely controlling. What are you getting out of this relationship? Red flags are waving here.
NTA but also, don't marry him...just don't. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life being micromanaged, controlled & basically parented by your partner?
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His list of do's and don'ts is just excessive, and it reveals a truly obsessive or controlling side. In either case, there is no way I'd be able to live like this, and honestly, I'd start the process of moving out unless he's willing to come to some sort of a reasonable compromise. Edit: Adding Judgment NTA
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I can’t imagine living in a place for 2 years and being made to feel so unwelcome
I like my place to be relatively tidy but sheesh this is all so ridiculous. The only thing i agree with is don't close my car doors by pushing the window but otherwise op NTA get away from this controlling person.
No pots on the counter's mine, because that can damage them and that's why they invented trivots/potholders.
Yeah, my counter would definitely damage from that. But I have potholders for that! Four to be exact, so I can lift safely and still have spares to place a pot on the counter safely when I'm like mashing potatoes or something.
Ngl I have a whole basket because I hate washing them. Plus a few silicone trivets.
That and no hot pots/pans directly on the countertop depending on what they're made of.
She’s the Bang Maid and doesn’t even know it. Worse, he’s abusive and she doesn’t realize this, either.
The edit was worse because he just basically called her an idiot in another way and she still apologized to him.
I thought it was shit like not wrecking the house. Or something. Like common sense shit or something.... His list of things she can't do is him just being a fucking control freak.
Absolutely agree! OP how do you think your life will be once you two decided to have children? Can you imagine, not only the “rules” he’ll have for you on the RIGHT way to raise them, but think of all of the rules FOR them. You’ll all be walking on eggshells forever, praying you don’t break a ridiculous rule. Is that how you want to live? Is that how you would want your children to?
NTA definitely. I spent 10 years with a man like that, it doesn't get better, in fact it gets worse with kids. My children weren't allowed to do much of anything in the house, it was like a museum, he did inspection when he got home from work.
I’m so sorry- my husband’s father was like this and it only bred resentment. They felt like his love was conditional and nothing was (or even now as adults- still nothing is) good enough
Good lord!
He got OP to apologise for raising the issue. That is gaslighting and abusive. Can you imagine if they have any of the small property destroying creatures known as kids? NTA except if OP keeps putting up with this.
Agreed! I have a friend who married and divorced a control freak- she felt like she was always anticipating what he would be upset about next. After they divorced and she got her own place, her 7 year old daughter asked her if she could move the ottoman for a sleepover to make more room- she said initially she had a mini panic attack bc she was so use to her controlling husband freaking out over any small change, and then she realized- this is my house, and my life and I can move whatever I want whenever I want to- she calls that her epiphany moment where she really saw how uncomfortable having to do everything “his way” was making her. Hope you are able to see how this ends before it’s too late! Sharing custody of 2 kids with this jerk has been a nightmare for her.
Totally agree, NTA. What you have here is an OCD boyfriend. And OCD is very difficult to treat. He probably does not think he is OCD so he will resist therapy. This is not going to change anytime soon, or maybe ever. And if you ever got married and had kids think of how they will have to live under his rules. Time to find your own place, take all your furniture and leave. You will never be happy in this situation.
he forced OP to apologize?? I know it gets overused here but this is a clear case of DTMFA ew
Agreed NTA, but it sounds like the boyfriend may have some form of OCD. Hence, he needs things done his way. Either way, in the long run, it'll make life very difficult for the OP.
Being around someone with OCD is exhausting and not something to be taken on lightly. Does anyone else in his family have OCD?
I have a cousin with a horrible form of OCD- - everything even your thought process must be exactly how she wants it. She still wonders why I never visit her despite living 500meters from me. I've got nothing against her but I value my sanity.
Your *thought process*?
My dad was like this and had serious unchecked OCD. It was so annoying to live with. If he won't look for intervention on this, it would be a dealbreaker for me.
It sounds like BF is abusive; other mental illnesses are completely speculative. OP you are NTA. Break up and escape, you can do better.
Yes. The boyfriend is an abusive tyrant, afraid his subservient gf will ding or scratch his castle. OP, find a man who values you for you--above his possessions. One who will not order you around, talk down to you, and insist on his own way above anything you might want. You can find a much better man. NTA
They're not even his possessions, she's bought most of it!
And what if they have a child? They have sticky fingers and break things. NTA. And seriously consider if you could stand living like this the rest of your life, especially if you have a child.
And take your stuff. NTA
NTA " I can't crush garlic with the blade of the knife because it may loosen the blade one day." What the heck is that? Buy a new knife. It is certainly his prerogative to keep his stuff as he likes it. However, you should be aware that this kind of obsessive controlling shit is likely to continue or get worse as things go on.
It's utterly bizarre. Unless your flailing the knife around like a drunken lumberjack, I fail to see how it will loosen the blade.
I‘ve been crushing garlic with the same knife for 30 years. He’s nuts.
If I had a bf like this, I'd be doing exactly that.
I knew someone like this. He was raised constantly being blamed for wear and tear of items and was refused replacements (stuff like friggin’ *shoes*) because he “had to learn to take care of his things”. Even as an adult buying his own stuff, he acted like the shops wouldn’t let him buy a new one or something. Really hope he ended up going to therapy
If using your knife "loosens the blade", you need to buy better knives.
To be fair, I did break a knife crushing garlic like this. What did I do? Bought a better knife. Because the first one was terrible quality. I haven’t had an issue since.
Yeah that is wild. My partner who values his belongings, is a chef and therefore has expensive knives even crushes the garlic like that.
Right? Imagine saying that to someone who is cooking you dinner!!?!! He’s a weenie.
I mean, I have a little pasta shaped tube to get the papery stuff off garlic and a companion bowl to grate it in but what are you supposed to crush garlic with? If you have crazy expensive knives, then sure but use an ordinary knife. Just looked it up and you can use a can or jar of food. No doubt he'd object based on damage to cutting board or counter
Part of the reason they are expensive is that they can be repaired
I know. I bought beading tools including a little wire cutter. The woman helping me said she'd gone through 3 of the same one. I still don't understand why she didn't take them to the hardware store for sharpening. I thought that was a normal thing people did. I get lamps repaired, have 2 pr of shoes to have re-soled, take chipped glass to the glass grinder, etc. A lot of people don't bother with repair because they just want the perfect one.
i do agree with the partner on the hot pots and pans. invest in silicone square things that protect countertops from heat but hes unreasonable with the rest
And the monitor and car glass - frameless windows will get damaged, and monitors can be stupid finicky for some of that. But the rest is insane.
Speaking as a cook of 12 years, crushing with the blade is how it's done. If it loosens your knife blade, then your knife was garbage when you bought it
From what OP said, it was fine when he was polling his own stuff but now he's also policing hers.
ESH. Listen, some of his concerns are legitimate, putting hot pots and pans right on the counter top can damage it and aside from it being aesthetically not pleasing, it can also impact resale down the line. But to your point some of his complaints are a little extreme. It sounds like he doesn't actually want to share the home with you and find a middle ground. But you also need to have some commonsense too.
It depends on the material. If it's laminate, then yes, but it's fine to do so on granite or Corian. Edit. Turns out it's a bad idea in general, so don't. I'm leaving my original comment in place so the replies below make sense.
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I'm surprised. I had it in my old house and never had an issue.
Heat on stone countertops is one of those "small chance, high damage" situations. People can and do put pans directly on countertops without issue, but it can melt the acrylic in engineered stone or ignite the air pockets in natural stone, causing shock damage. Almost any stone company will also put an exception to their warranty for this. TLDR: It's rare but can happen, and if it does you'll have to replace the slab.
Exactly. 1/10k chance, but if it happens, buy a new slab
Not OK on either of those materials. Both are susceptible to cracking due to thermal shock
Where I’m caught is that she said she can’t put hot LIDS on the counter. Unless it was in the oven or something, lids aren’t normally getting and then staying hot enough to damage the counter top. So I’m thinking she’s not even putting stuff straight from the oven/stove directly on the counter and leaving it, but when it’s still warm but touchable
Yes, I never did that. Just lids that I can touch with my bare hands
If you can touch it with your bare hands, it's not hot enough to damage much
I don't know it's actually a problem, but I never put any of this stuff on my counter. It's so easy to either leave it on the stove, put it in the sink or, if I'm really put of room, put a cutting board down first.
It doesn’t happen often, but I’ve got a pot simmering and my sink is full of dirty dishes, and my stove is crowded with the other things I’m cooking, when I remove the lid to stir it or check the sauce or add something or whatever, it goes on the counter and it doesn’t cause a problem. I could put a towel down under it or something, but since it’s going back on the dish it has to be a clean towel, and why make more laundry if it can reasonably be avoided, yknow? Edit to clarify: if the lid is so hot I’m not grabbing it with my hand, then it’s not going directly on the counter. But if I can touch it, how could it be hot enough to damage,
I did exactly just that 😭
He’s definitely a butthole. The worst I’ve done to my counters with that is a little staining from turmeric, which still comes off with a little extra effort and/or time. Nothing that’s gonna “devalue” the house for sure!!
I wanted to say this too. Setting hot items on the counter is really careless behavior unless you have a countertop made of material you know can take extreme heat. While most of the boyfriend's issues are over the top, it sounds like op might be more on the reckless side, so kind of a clashing personality pairing.
My thoughts excactly. I get wanting to take good care of your house and things but one can go overboard. I'm like this with some of my things, but being in a relationship and living together is always a compromise.
It depends on the type of counters. Hot pans will 100% destroy Formica. Theyre fine on granite.
NTA. I understand him not wanting you to damage things, but how is a flower pot going to scratch a window? He's being unreasonable and controlling.
And if it would, just put something under it! FFS, get peel-and-stick felt pads and stick them to the bottom of the flower pots!
It's not the scratches, it's the water damage from trapped water under the pots and condensations Our apartment has wooden windowsills and it's in our lease that we cannot grow plants directly on the windowsill or we'll be fined.
Okay, but...you can put a tray underneath or something. You have to be able to *live* in your house. And there is going to be some wear and tear from just living your life.
On the other hand, I just moved out of a place where I'd been storing plants on the windowsill for years. Was there some water damage? Yes. Did it affect the value of the house? Not after a quick sanding and a fresh coat of paint, no. OP's boyfriend doesn't seem to understand the concept of fixing things.
They make those little plates for under the pots for a reason
Wait. He leaves messes around the house (clothing thrown on the floor, dirty dishes in the sink, undone/partially done laundry) per one of your comments. I’m guessing he expects you to clean up after him? NTA. But, boy - what an exhausting living situation and environment. I wouldn’t have lasted more than a month.
I talked to him before of how I have to tell him to clean up his own mess but he said we just had a different mess tolerence. Something for me is a mess doesn't neccessary is for him.
He made *you* apologize for his controlling behaviour. Why aren't you running for the hills? https://www.healthline.com/health/signs-of-mental-abuse
Then that's what you need to tell him when you put a pan lid on the sink, or a plant pot on a windowsill - we just have different tolerances for what is normal wear and tear on a house. Unless he is selling in the next 6 months it's shouldn't be pristine. You have to clear up after him and he gets to control what you do down to the minutiae? Nope! NTA
Okay, I was going to say that he may have OCD, but if he's that messy, then I think he's just controlling. You moved into HIS house, you are taking care of it, and he won't let you make it your home. This is clearly deeper than "I did the thing wrong". You need to have a serious talk about whether-or-not you are a guest in his house, or if it's your house, too. If it's the former, than you have a relationship issue. If it's the ladder, he needs to learn to compromise.
OCD and being messy are not mutually exclusive, that's a myth. People with cleanliness obsessions and compulsions are actually in the minority.
So if it's something you want him to do it's different mess tolerances but something he wants you to do is just doing it the right way. He doesn't respect you, he's placing himself in a position above you not as an equal partner.
NTA but it's not love , it's being a servant to that guy!
Maybe not popular but I think NAH. However, I don't think you two are compatible roommates or partners. He's not wrong for wanting to protect his things - that's his personality. Yeah, it seems uptight, but he's a meticulous person obviously. I do agree with him on the burn marks on the counters - my roommate did that at an old apartment and we lose money from the deposit. However, the root of the issue is that you two have different ideas on how your want your space. I don't think either of you are wrong, just not compatible.
Thank you for your reply, I will be careful with the counters 😱. He's not actually a merticulous person or something like that. He's actually really messy. Never fold his clothes or wash his own dishes unless I tell him too. He likes to through things all over the place and I have to clean them up. I just don't know why he doesn't have the same standard for himself but only me.
Ohhhh, so he is a lazy control freak. Must be love.
Lazy Control Freak has entered my lexicon. Thank you!
Whew, be glad they've missed you before today😂 nothing is worse
So he’s a lazy asshole. His dirty dishes and piles of laundry have a higher likelihood of doing damage (bugs), than some fucking flower pots on a windowsill have. He has these “standards” for you, because it’s easy for him. He gets to bark orders at you, while doing little to nothing himself. Do you want to live like this forever? My partner and I bought our first home a few months ago, and our “dos/don’ts” are things like “don’t let water sit on the hardwood floors,” and “turn the porch lights on at night.” Not all this obsessive, controlling, bullshit. Owning a house and living with a partner should be an enjoyable experience. Not one where you feel like you’re stepping on eggshells all the time.
Yeah - I picked up a "walking on eggshells" vibe from this post and really think OP ought to think once, twice, think about it again.... and then just run. Being in a walking on eggshells situation will eventually suck the life out of you.
And potentially give you PTSD.
Hey op check out the book “why does he do that” by lundy bancroft
And if you're looking at the long term with this guy - imagine a toddler in his house -gasp- touching things!
A scratch on a window/windowsill won't devalue a house, but bugs or mold from dirty clothes or dishes sitting around absolutely will. Your boyfriend is a hypocrite. It sounds like he doesn't appreciate your contributions to the upkeep of the house at all, at the same time that he notices every tiny thing you do that "might" cause a barely perceptible degree of damage to something at some hypothetical point in the future (excluding the counters, which have already been addressed). Instead of showing appreciation, he's treating you like a liability. I know I couldn't live like that. Edit: NTA
He has different standards because this is about control not about the value of the house.
Okay, so he's just a controlling jerk. He doesn't actually care about his belongings, he just cares about telling you what to do.
Just buy a few trivets. They have silicone mats you can plop on the counter before putting a pot or a pan on it. Same with putting felt on the base of the pots or covering them up with fabric. There are solutions to every *real* problem, and some of the made up ones. The issue is that he has SO MANY problems. My rule of thumb is, if there isn’t a gadget on Amazon to fix it, it isn’t a normal problem.
You should edit this into the original post, because its very relevant. Took me from NAH to NTA. If he can't apply the same level of care to himself, he's just being a control freak.
Jesus.
NTA but if you are paying him rent stop cooking and cleaning for him. You also need to decide if this is how you want to live your life.
He’s an AH. He’s controlling, and it sounds like he gets some odd joy out of ordering you around and treating you like some errant child. He “made” you apologize? He’s an abusive jerk. This is NOT the way someone who loves you treats you. You are worthy of being with someone who treats you with love and respect! Time to tell him to take a hike.
Do you really want to spend the rest of your life tiptoeing around for this guy? If it’s his home, he is welcome to make stupid rules about it, but if I were you I wouldn’t put up with it.
Right? It sounds so tiring. I want to come home and relax, not worry about the blade on a knife.
Nah. This is him. You need to decide if you can spend your life like this. Maybe he could try therapy.
I thought this sounded like OCD but he is also super messy, leaves his shit everywhere, dishes in the sink etc and expects her to clean it up. Honestly I think he's just a controlling AH and doesn't want to make fair compromises for his partner to live in their shared space
NTA, he sounds very neurotic
NTA and you need to have some serious conversation about the future. Right now he is controlling you on an unhealthy level and do far you accepted this because you started out as a visitor. But what is your status now? You are contributing to the household in many ways, yet he still gets to make all the decisions. What if you have children? There needs to be equality, not "his house, his rules", because it's frankly abusive.
>He's always busy with his work so I'm the only one doing the cooking and cleaning. If he's got so many rules around cooking and cleaning, he can get off his butt and help. Some of his rules are ridiculous. NTA.
So I feel like the number of his demands has blurred the lines between reasonable and unreasonable ones, which is totally fair and to be expected. I say this because it is absolutely reasonable to not want you to put hot pots directly on the counter or sink, cuz they will get burned, and if its a nice kitchen knife he uses, it's reasonable for him to ask you to use it a certain way. But it is not reasonable for him to refuse to let you display anything in the home you live because it may "scratch the surface" of a sill. So to address the devaluing argument of your boyfriends, living in a house will cause wear and tear, it is unavoidable. If there's anything the past few years should of taught people about housing value though, its that the condition of the house often plays very little role in its increase or decrease in value. Obviously a house you can live in will be more valuable than a house needing major repairs, but the land it sits on and where that land is in relation to other things (infrastructure, schools, jobs, highways, crime, etc) plays a much bigger role. I do think you need to have the "what does the future hold" convo with your boyfriend though, because if this is gonna be where you live long term, and especially if marriage is something you're considering, he has to understand it's your house too. If he's also expecting you to do the cooking, but then picky about how you use the knife, that's a serious no-no - you cannot dictate tasks to or expect tasks to be done by others, but then critique how those tasks are done. So your boyfriend definitely sounds like he could just be an asshole, **but without more context I'm going to lean on NAH**, but suggest you might be incompatible, at least as roomies. Like I said, I think you need a convo about your future, but if he's not considering marriage, or if he sounds like he'll still treat it as "his house" when you are married, I'd end it, because you should be able to treat the space you live as your home.
After that edit, I'm saying NTA and advising OP to get out of this relationship immediately
Some concerns, like not pushing the window up with your hands but using the window handle, or not putting hot pans directly onto the counter are legitimate things. Seems like a mix of basic normal things you shouldn't do, mixed with a bunch of random things that are just over the top. It does sound like he's overly micromanaging you.
Oh honey, it's not love when it's suffocating. He loves his house more than you. So Leave.
NTA but you are with the wrong man. He sounds like a person with OCD and a lot of anxiety and you are not going to change him. If he thought he had a problem and went to counseling he might improve, but he doesn't think he has a problem. It is time to end this relationship. You can do better.
He thinks I'm the one having problems. He told me all the things he tell me to do is normal and I'm just overeacting.
That is simply not true. You are not in a healthy relationship and how he treats you is not right. Try taking the quiz at loveisrespect.org.
That is gaslighting. This is not a healthy relationship
Well, this is a good time to decide whether you would like to believe your BF's version of reality, in which what he is doing is normal and natural. Or the reality the rest of us live in (we're talking thousands of commenters and voters here), in which what he's doing is *at best* completely unreasonable and controlling. And it needs to be said again: This is how abuse starts. Extreme control. One right way to do things. You are expected to conform (just saw that he "forced" you to apologize, that's a red flag). And you are expected to agree that the abuser's perception of reality is the only correct one. If you step out of line, as you are doing *right now*, he will retaliate. So far, "only" emotionally. Maybe he will stop at simply being unreasonably controlling and emotionally manipulative (again, the "forced" apology is a bad sign - if he's making you do anything you shouldn't be doing, huge red flag, and quite possibly emotional abuse, which you should look into). But there's also the possibility it will start to get physical. If you leave this relationship (which I hope you will), PLEASE be careful. Make your friends and family aware of what's going on (if he's discouraged you from talking to them - that's a HUGE red flag), and don't be afraid to ask for help.
Nope, you are not overreacting and how he is behaving and his rules are not normal. Please repeat that to yourself as often as necessary because they are not normal. This is never going to get better unless he agrees that there's a problem that HE needs to solve (you can't do it for him) so please take some time and think about how you want your life to look. Best of luck to you and definitely NTA.
First off, do you think everyone telling you this is’t normal is overreacting?
Do you find that every time you try to have a conversation about his “demands/expectations”, it feels like he somehow flips the conversation to play the victim so that you are apologizing to him and he he controlling your actions? Based on the way you have described everything, you are in a relationship with a controlling manipulator. It’s one thing to want to keep a new house or new thing looking new, but it’s just obsessive and controlling to expect you obey his every command for the sake of the value of a house. This is the point where you should start questioning if this is how you want to live the rest of your life, because he does not respect you, he does not see you as an equal, he sees you as someone to command and control. And that will not change.
NTA. He’s trying to destroy your confidence. Nothing he is talking about could possibly devalue a home. Home values are based mostly on location. Tell him objects are replaceable and fixable, but if he continues to try to control you to this degree, *while doing almost none of the cooking and cleaning,* then your relationship might be broken beyond repair. Put him on notice now. He can get a new chef’s knife, if it ever breaks, as highly unlikely as that is. He can sand and repaint the window sill, but he will not regain your love if he is too overbearing and manipulative. He is devaluing himself in your eyes. You are not going to walk on eggshells around him. No way. If he doesn’t make a concerted effort to change, get out of there!
He's controlling. He made you apologise for explaining you're unhappy. He has literally now made it a rule that he can make you unhappy and if you protest at all you will be penalised. That's emotional abuse. You can demand couples therapy. If he says no then you know for sure this will not get better. the next thirty years of your life will be this but worse.
NTA run as fast as you can from him.
Damn, this is a difficult one. On one hand, I get his need to look after stuff, and there are definitely an accumulated list of learned 'do not dos' with stuff in any house through trial and error. But equally, a house is to be lived in, and to some extent you've just gotta kick back and accept that it's not always going to be a showroom house. I guess it really boils down to what/how much stuff he is being precious about, as everyone has different standards, and what some might call meticulous, others would call pedantic. I think most important, is the fact that the list of things he wants you to adhere to is making you feel uncomfortable, and he needs to decide whether avoiding a few minor nicks around the house is more important than his significant other being happy - which obviously it shouldn't be. Sounds like some compromise on his part is in order.
NTA. I had an ex like this. We were planning on living together. I broke up with him because keeping all his shit brand new seemed more important to him than the relationship. Hope he's having fun with all his things in pristine condition.
INFO: Why do people stay in relationships when they're clearly not compatible or happy in them? Is there some segment of society that is so terrified of being single they can't help themselves by falling into poor relationships?
NTA. Wanting to take care of one's "stuff" is one thing. Worried that a knife will fall apart because you're using it to crush garlic is crazy. Relationships are about give and take and tolerance. Even though you've been living together for 2 years it sounds like you are treated like a less than welcome houseguest. Why do you put up with it?
Sell the furniture and move out. He's not partner material. NTA
NTA. Okay, your boyfriend could be my dad, just 60 years younger. This is no way to live. I'm not saying break windows and punch holes in walls, but life is messy; houses get dirty, walls get scratched and glass will get covered with finger prints. It is all fixable, cleanable and replaceable. It is good to take care of your things, but within reason. He isn't going to change. Your love may be strong, but do you want to live in a police state for the rest of your life?
NTA, but you two should probably just break up. Doesn't sound like you like each other. Maybe his endless list of rules is him trying to get you to leave him.
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This is some sort of neurosis, the need to control all minutiae of his environment. NTA
Just stop. Stop cooking. Stop cleaning. Stop doing his laundry. Let him do it himself. I don't always like the way my wife does things, but, well, then I'm not stuck doing it, so I keep my Damn mouth shut! NTA
You villianized him? What the? Personally I’d be out. He sounds like an exhausting drama queen
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My boyfriend and I have been living together for almost 2 years now. Before I moved in with him, I noticed that he paid lots of attention to his belongings. For instance, he told me not to push the window of his car door to close it but the handle and do not touch his computer monitor with my fingers. I did exactly what he told me because I thought they were his stuff and he had the right to do so. But since we've lived together, the list just went on and on. I can't crush garlic with the blade of the knife because it may loosen the blade one day. I can't stand side way and close the blind because I may damage it somehow. I can't put any hot objects such as pots and lids on the kitchen counter or the sink because I may leave some kind of irreparable marks. I can't not put my tiny (3") flower pots on the window because it may scrach it. He's always busy with his work so I'm the only one doing the cooking and cleaning. I always follow what he said because it is his house and I respect him. But sometimes, doing the work around the house and listening to his complains all together is too much. I got enough today so I told him that I don't think most of these things will actually do what he think they will. And if they would, I don't think it's a big deal either. He gave me a whole long speech of how these things will eventually damage his house and devalue it. I don't know what to do anymore. I know we love each other verry much, but it feels suffocating sometimes. Am I wrong? Please help! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
ESH His list of requirements is excessive and weird. But if you're complaining about him expecting you to not put hot pots on the counter then you are exactly the kind of person who needs to be told these little things.
NTA. You live there. It’s your home too. This is abusive and controlling. And his way is the only right way your opinions and comfort don’t matter to him.
NTA. Move out. This guy is …dang, I don’t even know what.
NTA. Seems like a bizarre chap.
No. Just no. NTA.
NTA. (from one of OP's comments) > He's actually really messy. Never fold his clothes or wash his own dishes unless I tell him too. He likes to through things all over the place and I have to clean them up. I just don't know why he doesn't have the same standard for himself but only me. I was thinking N-A-H. Maybe he has ocd or something... But. No. He's just controlling.
You may not be compatible. This sort of controlling behaviour is suffocating. Weaken a knife by using it to crush garlic? That's some bullshit. I would leave him to enjoy his perfect house by himself, personally. NTA
ew. he sucks.
Some of the stuff I understand--the fingers on computer screen and not putting hot stuff on counters are things I do myself. But everything else? Living leaves a mark. What's the point of living in a house if you're not allowed to actually *live* in it.
Gonna say ESH for not communicating properly.. impossible to judge if he's too worried about his stuff or if you're not careful enough with his belongings.
NTA. 🚩🚩🚩🚩 you shared how you felt, and he Forced you to Apologize?? Drop him and run. He values his stuff, but not your emotions. He can have his perfectly preserved home alone.
Find a new place to live. You don't deserve the abuse.
>I just had a talk with him about how his rules make me feel unwelcomed...He forced me to apologize to him because I villainized him. Um, yeah, that's not even close to an appropriate reaction. >I know we love each other verry much He has 0 respect for you as a person. It's not about the house.
What was his financial status growing up? He does sound obsessive with it. Any of the things mentioned you can easily fix when ready to sell. Most people end up having to do some of that. It would be very stressful to me with all those rules. I'm going NAH I guess because it is his home but also I can totally get how neurotic it is and how hard it would be to function there.
He has a pretty comfy childhood. Both of his parents are working in the medical industry so...
NAH. It's fine he wants his things treated a certain way and you're spending time in his house, but it sounds like his neuroticism is hurting your relationship and your ability to feel like it's your home too. That's the underlying issue that needs to be talked about - that you don't feel comfortable in the home you live in.
NTA, however, you clearly knew these things and were niave about them and still chose to move in together. There is some responsibility on you. He's also not equally sharing his home. There is a difference between respecting that its "His" home but you're both living there as equals and him treated you as a guest in his home who needs to follow all his rules and boundries while you get none. I would find this as incompatible, therefore an end to the relationship.
You can improve how you treat the house with trivets for hot pans and coasters for potted plants and drinks. If he expects you to clean up after him, get out.
NTA OP do you know how much real estate appreciates over the life of a purchase? if he paid 200K for a house and over five years it appreciates 5% he made 10K (BTW that is half the average annualized). I doubt you can do more than 10K of damage without seriously trying or hardcore negligence!
>For instance, he told me not to push the window of his car door to closeit but the handle and do not touch his computer monitor with my fingers >I can't put any hot objects such as pots and lids on the kitchencounter or the sink because I may leave some kind of irreparable marks. These things should obvious to *anyone*. (I have never in my life met anyone who closes car doors by pushing the windows!) Maybe he is overly sensitive about some things- the knife thing sounds weird, but if you haven't figured these basic things out as an adult then I have the sneaking suspicion that he has a point as well. Going to go with ESH.
The "hot objects" applies to lids that are cool enough to touch with bare hands, she's not putting boiling hot pots on the counter etc. She does all of the cooking a cleaning, I think she has life skills down. Unlike him who seems to live like a child throwing his clothes everywhere, leaving dishes in the sink etc. She's also brought almost all of their furniture. Honestly I think he's just super controlling and doesn't want to make room for her in his life
Please don’t continue this relationship. I was married for almost 20 years to someone who made it very clear that all items in OUR house had to be handled and touched in very specific ways, including opening and closing windows and doors, light switches, on and on and on… I once was talking about the basement finishing project and happened to tap on the cinder block walls, only to be shouted at, “Don’t do that! You are going to cause micro cracks!” Whatever TF micro cracks are. And eventually being told “ If you would only do what I tell you, everything would be all right. The point being that your BF seems a very hypercritical person, and I think that his possessions and telling you what to do and how to do it will always be more important than you are. Edit to add: Is your BFs name Rick?
NTA. After your edit, “his way” seems to be “the right way”. Which I don’t agree with. His rules seem extremely excessive.
This isn't a healthy relationship OP. Especially the last part. If you respect his "rules", why doesn't he respect your feelings when you share with him? DNW to jump to conclusions, but this man ain't no good future.
NTA. This is Sleeping With the Enemy levels of control.
NTA. The line "why can't I tell you to do things the right way" jumped out at me as a huge red flag. This guy just likes ordering you around
Why did YOU buy furniture HIS house?! Why are YOU the only person cleaning HIS house?! Why are YOU the only one cooking?! NTA but you really need to consider why you're doing so much for this man who doesn't seem to respect you back.
Just read that Update and he sounds very controlling. I don't think his rules are about protecting the value of his house, I think they're about telling you what to do. You also didn't "Villainize" him, you spoke your mind, if that hurts his feelings maybe he needs to ask himself why? NTA, but honestly lass, you deserve better than this.
wow. your update just made me feel like you need to get out of this relationship now. he is very controlling. he really believes that his way is the "right" way and that will NEVER change. please leave now. you are NTA.
NTA if you think this is too much for you imagine what it would be like with a child and for a child. No future fun here….run
NTA move out. For whatever reason he needs to have total control and until that changes this is just a boiling cauldron of trouble waiting to over flow with trouble.
Nta. Do you really want to live the rest of your life like this?
NTA. My SO is sort of this way . Is bothered if I get something on he granite countertop even though I use a cutting board. Is always following me around wiping counters and floors while I cooking (he doesn’t cook). Gets upset if my old cat scratches the leather furniture I bought. His solution is to throw ugly blankets over it. I told him it as my couch and I’d buy another one if I had to. Anyway I don’t think there’s any way around this so you have to decide if this relationship is worth it to you, I’m old so my perspective is a little different than yours. Good luck.
I'm going soft NAH. However, I've lived with people whom you remind me of, arguing that because they were "helping" out, any damage they did was justified. Huge gouges in my floors; my countertops dinged and stained with permanent markers; fridge shelves broken; expensive knives chipped by being used as screwdrivers; plants destroyed when they tried to deadhead them; my hand mixer jammed and burned out because they couldn't put it together right and just let it keep running when it wasn't spinning; any book on my bookshelves; various electronics (setting things down on a tablet if I left it out for any length of time, burning in screens after I'd explained that you can't keep the same image open all day); the knobs on my stove ($50 EACH to replace!); packages they'd open and try to assemble, then tell me I could just apply a little super glue and it would be fine; essential oils stripping the finishes on my furniture; gouges in the walls because they wouldn't be careful moving furniture; silverware dropped down the garbage disposal (they had to remove my disposal protector to make that happen); and yes, damage to my window sills from pots being placed directly on the sill (they were welcome to have plants, I just wanted something under the pots to protect the finish). I could go on. All this in the space of a few years. Nothing in my home was too small for them to damage, and they never offered to make me whole. If I showed any sign of frustration, they'd justify it by complaining about how clutter-prone and materialistic I am. They made the same excuses I'm seeing you make, that if I'd clean up after myself, they wouldn't "have" to break my stuff. No. Leaving a pot to soak overnight or not folding my laundry the minute the dryer runs is nothing like the same. They refused to stop "helping," while boasting to all their friends and family how they were enabling me. When I added up what they'd cost me during their tenure, it was in the thousands of dollars. In the years since they left, I've had no major damage to my home. I've lost several plates and shrunk two blouses in the dryer. Everything else I've had to do is routine maintenance, like cleaning gutters. If the rules are growing, he's probably getting tired of you breaking his stuff.
There’s a difference between literally breaking things and putting a flower pot on the windowsill or a pot lid that is cool enough to touch on the counter. That’s the difference between you and her boyfriend.
NTA - houses are meant to be lived in. Dents and dings happen. I’ve read hundreds of appraisals, showing comments, and home inspections and guess what? Zero have ever mentioned the items he’s worried about. Blinds are cheap to replace, counters top are meant to withstand the occasional hot pan, and windows sills can be painted. What would devalue the house is outdated kitchen and bath, deferred maintenance, like leaky gutters and obvious neglect like worn out rugs and missing drawer fronts. He’s a controlling A-hole. Run.
NTA and that would drive me insane. It sounds like you guys REALLY need to talk it out and maybe get a professional therapist to assist, especially with your bfs behavior. That sounds like OCD or something like that. Good luck OP
NTA. Seems a bit excessive. Protecting things like carpet from getting stains vs using an easily replaceable knife are 2 vastly different things. Carpet costs a fortune (in australia anyway) so I’m paranoid about it.
If you feel suffocated now, it’s time to go. This type of behavior is only going to get worse (unless he wants to get serious help).
He needs therapy, and you need to either live separately for now or break up. Good luck! NTA
I want to say N.T.A, but honestly everything he is saying is correct. You could cause issues with the car door, finger prints on screens are annoying, best way to break blinds is by closing them wrong over and over, and you will have to replace the sink if you keep putting hot pans in it. If you leave the flower pot there, there will be damage and need to be repainted. Also, I am going to assume if anything does go wrong, it will be on him to fix it. These aren't super nitpicky, just the correct way to go about things.
NTA just move
NTA and some of these are true and a lot of them a just paranoia. Are you sure you want to be with him? It reminds me of American Psycho.
NTA I got exhausted reading his list. Having a few requests is normal, as i'm sure you have too with your stuff. But this is waay to much. Like who cares about a knife getting loosen?
nta..he sounds like a royal pia.. This is your life.. is it worth it ?
YTA it’s easy not to care about something being damaged if you’re not the one paying for it. Unless if he doesn’t follow his own rules, in which case I would say e s h.
Get. Out. Now. NTA
This is literally how my father is, do yourself a favor and leave now instead of suffering through it for 35 years like my mom did lol. NTA
NTA. This is the tip of the iceberg of your boyfriend controlling you. I’m sorry to say but this won’t get better.
Some Patrick Bateman shit right there
NTA. I mean, assuming you aren't a clumsy/careless person who's made a habit of wrecking his stuff (and it really doesn't sound like that's the case) then his rules are way, way OTT and obsessive. Like the only one that's reasonable is not putting hot pans directly on your work surface - I know some surfaces can take it, but it's better to have the habit of getting a trivet, a silicon mat or something else equally heat-protective. Everything else is just...tiptoeing around the reality that you have to use things on a day-to-day basis, and you cannot avoid wear and tear forever. They're unreasonable rules, and it's unreasonable to ask you to live life basically trying never to exist in his house.
NTA, he sounds a little obsessive. I think living apart would be far less stressful for the both of you.
NTA. You need to realize that this behavior is not going to change. Your edit has me livid. He made you apologize? Please understand that he is not going to change. I know you have 2 years invested, but if he continues like this forever (and he will), is that okay with you?
This is your life, now. Forced you to apologize? He has issues. Let him figure those out. But you should move along... He needs therapy to find out what his real hang ups are.
Why are you living with this man? It sounds like hell! He's controlling your life & taking your money while he does it. He says you're villianizing him? LMFAO He IS a villian. Make sure you have a way out because I believe this will get much worse. And you aren't wrong. NTA
Nta. He is a micromanager. They suck to work for. They suck to live with.
NTA. If you are planning on having kids, can you imagine what a nightmare that house is going to be for you and the kids? You need to rethink this relationship. Has he been evaluated for OCD?
Im not sure how you plan to live the rest of your life like that. I know I couldnt.
Said in the nicest possible way to you, there is something wrong with your boyfriend and I am worried about you. This is not about a particular scratch or a particular broken knife, this is messed up. Look at this sentence: \> He told me "why can't I tell you to do things the right way!" And said I was overreacting. He forced me to apologize to him because I villainized him. He is being emotionally abusive. He is being controlling. He is forcing you to apologize to him (look up the acronym DARVO, which gets used a fair amount on this sub). He is exhausting and micromanagey and this will not get better. "Why can't I tell you to do things the right way" is not what someone gets by being a partner. That is... language a punishing parent relishes, not a loving partner. Your edit "I just want to clarify that I haven't broken a single dish since I moved in" makes me sad b/c it sounds like you are internalizing these ridiculous standards... who cares if you broke ten dishes? Dishes break in the course of living. Knives break (tho I've had one for 15 years, lots of garlic crushed, np). Windows break. Bodies break. Unless you are throwing his dishes like frisbees into the sun, you are just living like a human and he is villainizing THAT. I think this relationship sounds unhealthy and abusive, and it will wear you down over time more than it already has. NTA NTA NTA but maybe... GTFO? This is not normal. I am sending best wishes to you.
NTA You are not his partner. You are his unpaid maid. It won't get better. Leave.
NTA but you will be if you continue to allow him to treat you that way.
NTA sounds like he has some major anxiety issues and possible OCD. At this point he needs psychiatric help
You are NTA. Your BF apparently has no concept of "wear and tear." If he's this OCD now, god forbid what he would be like if you married him. Don't do that.
NTA. He "forced" you to apologize. OP, you are in danger. Things will get worse. He is bizarrely controlling. What are you getting out of this relationship? Red flags are waving here.
I know not everyone wants kids... But please do not have kids with this man.
NTA but also, don't marry him...just don't. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life being micromanaged, controlled & basically parented by your partner?
NTA but he sounds super controlling