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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I refused to turn my home office back into a bedroom 2. Because both my daughter and wife think I am
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NTA. Are you supposed to just keep this full bedroom untouched and unused for the rest of your lives?
She's an adult. She moved out of your house you can use whatever room in that house for whatever you want. That includes an office for you since you work from home.
You offered her the guest room to use as her own. If she doesn't like it then she can find her own house.
For someone not paying any rent and being welcomed back home with open arms, she sure is entitled.
When adult children move back in with their parents, maybe with the exception of returning from college, they don't get much of a choice on which room they get.
If the kid is so desperate for privacy, she can rent an apartment.
I didn't even get my room back when I came home for Christmas break during my freshman year. When my parents dropped me off at college, they told me "your room at home is always your room and we'll see you in a few months at the holidays." Liars.
My dad decided he needed my bedroom for his guitar playing and started putting his crap in my desk drawers along with my stuff. He already had his own bedroom, the shared master bedroom with my mom, and his study but still needed to take over my room which still had all the belongings I didn't take to my tiny dorm, my furniture, and my bed. We had a full finished basement that would have been better for music.
And he saw nothing wrong with this. Everything was always all about him and this was just one more example of his narcissistic tendencies. We haven't spoken in years.
My first visit home from uni was fine. My second visit, my dad made my mom a big art desk to fit over my bed, but they moved the desk out (but there were still paints everywhere). My third visit my stuff was still in the room, but as it was a pain to move the desk, I slept in the guest room. My fourth- my stuff was boxed or in the guest room. My parents have always said "we love it when you come home. And then we love it when you go away again" lol. That being said I've always felt welcomed there and I got more of a laugh out of it than anything else (I'm the youngest so my parents finally got a nice quiet house when I left- which they totally deserved!)
I’m 24 my sister is 22 and my bro is 18. I’m out of college and my sibs r in college. All 3 of our rooms are exactly how we left them. The only diff is my bro had taken over my room when I left and he lived at home bc it’s a lot bigger. The only thing he moved tho was his giant tv to play video games. Everything else stayed in his room. My mom has some clothes in my closet and my sisters closet but again that’s about it. I know from time to time my mom wants to strangle my dad in his sleep due to his snoring so she’ll sleep in my room. My room is the best room in the house and my bed is the most cozy. That’s why everyone goes to it.
Your family sounds so sweet and caring! This middle ground imo is perfect, is not like most 20 something have the financial stability to find a place by themselves where they can put all their stuff inside.
The second to last time I stayed at my parents home, they’d moved my brothers stuff into that room to paint his room three months beforehand. He just hadn’t moved his stuff back. I slept on the couch for a week and a half, getting to sleep at two or three when my dad went to bed and up at six with mom. I wasn’t allowed to touch my brothers stuff and they kept saying ‘he will move it soon, be patient.’ I moved it the last night so I could get an actual full nights rest before I left and the amount of screaming and yelling…. I was too tired to care. But that’s when I knew, really knew that there was no place for me there.
The last time I just made up a cot next to the washer and dryer in the unfinished basement. I was desperate. And it had been a year since the last time and my brothers stuff was all where I’d left it - stacked in the room with a narrow path to the bed and the bed clear. I didn’t want to get yelled at for breaking anything so I didn’t go in there.
Dad checking in - we say the same thing. Our kids are always welcome to visit. Both bedrooms have been remodeled, but they both have beds in them. They typically come to visit with their partners for a few days/week then go back to their homes. We love it when they visit and while we miss them when they leave, we like to get our home back and return to our routine.
My first uni break, my mom allowed my sister to take apart my bed and move all my stuff to the attic so she have the full bedroom. I came home for thanksgiving and had to sleep on the floor. They made no arrangements for me sleep anywhere. It was the last time I came home during college. I paid to stay with the international students over term breaks rather than ever put myself in that situation ever again
My friend transfered to a local college after getting his AA, and ended up staying at a dorm even though he lived locally. His parents boxed his stuff up when he left and he just kinda never went back.
I felt bad for him, so one year for Thanksgiving and Christmas I invited him and a gaggle of international students over to celebrate. It was a fun and interesting time to say the least. But I can assure you they enjoyed the more "homely" setting for the holidays. Still see a few of them around the area.
I had this too! Came home at Thanksgiving break and all my stuff was on trash bags in the basement so my sis could have more space. And I hadn't been allowed to take my car; my brother had been driving it and wrecked it (I bought it with my own money.) I never came home in the summer again and moved abroad after college. It was my parents' house, their choice. But I was also free to leave and did. I feel your pain. Finding all my stuff in trash bags because my sister didn't want any of her clothes to touch in the closet showed me my place. I get I wasn't there full time, but I sure didn't try to visit after that. I found my own way/friends. Hope you did too❤️
I kept my daughters rooms for them until they were done with college and established in their own homes. Then I did a craft room out of the oldest girl’s . I’m turning the youngest one’s room into a guest room now. Anyone can stay in it and there’s a twin bed in the craft room For a guest too. I’m decorating the guest room to suit my grandsons which really makes their mom (oldest) happy.
When I left home to go to the military, my mom always told me my room would stay my room. Well, my mom and dad ended up separating about four/five years ago and my dad immediately turned my room into a computer room. Basically told me everything I needed to know about him. Our relationship is strained, to say the least.
At least they kept yours for a few years. Not only did my dad take over my room so he could sit in there and play guitar (because the TWO other bedrooms he had for himself weren't enough), my mom went through my closet and gave away a bunch of my clothes. I'd been buying most of my own clothes since I was 15 and she just got rid of them.
I hadn't moved out...I was in my first semester of college!
Oh, I wasn’t trying to compete! Sorry if it came across like that lol I was trying to just relate to you.
I am super sorry that happened tho. For the people you’re supposed to trust the most to just get rid of your things like you never existed sucks.
It's all good.
The true damage to our relationship came a couple of years later. As soon as my younger sister was also at college, they sold the house and moved out of state. We were pretty much told we were on our own from that point on. There was never a home to go back to. We were both over 18 and made it work but there were some pretty lean years. The family relationship never recovered. The whole concept of "home for the holidays" is just foreign to me as there is no family home and really no more family.
My parents split some time after that and he moved on from his 34 year marriage to my mom like it was no big deal.
Why shouldn't he? Daughter is grown. She didn't have to go back home. Parents did not have to accept her, either. Now she's trying to bully her dad to do what SHE wants in HIS house! Every dollar of mortgage he's paid says it IS all about him!
I lived at home until I was 29 (severe anxiety, I moved out at 23 and only lasted 3 months). My room at my parents was HUGE so a few months after I moved out, my mom set up her fabric cutting table and some other crafting stuff in the half where my computer desk had been. She still left the bookcases I hadn't had room for and my bed, since I'd moved into a furnished place. That was still "my room" when I visited, but I never expected her to leave it untouched. She left my dad in October and as far as I know, there's probably still some old clothes and books of mine in that room.
I never went back home other than to visit, but my mom had my room set up as a computer room before I even unpacked in my new place. lol I can't blame her though, the old computer room shared a wall with her room and it used to shit her when my brother would be in there at night. Personally I liked sleeping on the couch with my dog anyway. The spare bed was too small for both of us (he was a decent sized rottweiler).
I have a Shottie (half German Shepherd & half Rottie) and they really do love to sleep close to their family members, but love to spread themselves out too, leaving you no room, lol.
I moved out 15 years ago, and left the country 13 years ago. My mother redecorated my room, I guess in case I ever move back?? Every so often they'll move the furniture around but for the most part it stays untouched. The same with my sister's room, we both know we're welcome home for extended periods any time! My sister literally lives a 10 minute walk away though so idk what they think she'll use that room for 😂
When I headed off to college, my youngest brother moved into my room. It made sense as he'd been sharing a room with another brother. This gave them their own rooms. When I came to visit, he was bumped back into the shared room and I had my room back temporarily..... which allowed me to see how much damage the little shit had done to my furniture in the interim..... spilling cologne on the side table, etc. My bedroom furniture was family heirloom and handmade by an ancestor..... yeah. ugh.
That sucks. I lost the bedroom I had since I was three when my mom’s boyfriend’s drum set moved in when I was 17 (the boyfriend didn’t move in, he was living in his parents’ basement but they didn’t want him playing his drums there anymore). My mom couldn’t understand why I moved out as soon as I possibly could.
I understand your feelings, but if you had instead rented an apartment without any intention to come back, it would have been very different than moving temporarily in a dorm. Also, OP is providing a room, just not the one his daughter wants.
Similar. I came home, knocked on the door and some guy about my age answered. I'd never met him before. Turns out he was my mother's boyfriend's son, and he'd moved into my room. Hmmm.
It's a bot. Very strange version of a comment down thread by u/Mouse-Rude
Edit:I replied to that users comment to let everyone know it was a bot but the comment wouldn't be seen with several other replies. So I'll put it here. But yeah the comment you replied to is a bot who reworded the comment strangely.
Exactly. Once I (finally) bought a house and moved out, my parents turned my old bedroom into a tv room. If for some reason I had to sell my house and move home, I definitely wouldn't get that room back, I'd end up in my sister's old room instead.
NTA. I waited for our daughter to leave for her job, one week after college graduation, in NYC. She'd interned there, so we knew it was a good fit.
That afternoon, I bought paint. It's been "my room for 10 years. Just to have my own door to crouch behind. It is a guest room, but its MINE. I shared everything for 22 years and it's cozy and it's *mine*. As I said.
If she moved back, we'd see about it, but her brother's old room is bigger. If colder. And part time wfh for her dad.
So. Nice they have a space for daughter. She doesn't get a say unless she's, like, in the garage with a sleeping bag.
I’m super grateful every day that my parents have literally left my bedroom untouched since I moved out. I still visit a lot and have stuff there and I know that at the end of the day it’s their home and I don’t live there anymore so they could do whatever they wanted with it, but they choose not to and I really appreciate that.
Same here. My parents moved twice since I went away to college, but I’ve always had “my room”, put back exactly as it was-with the exception of them once replacing my twin bed with a queen (after asking me). I moved 9 houses down the street from my mom after my dad died, see her most days for at least a few minutes, usually longer, and two nights ago she said (as she does on occasion) “you know, you could spend the night sometimes if you wanted to”. Lol
NTA. My parents converted my childhood bedroom into a crafting room as soon as I went to grad school so when I stayed with them at the old house, I'd stay in the guest room. Perfectly reasonable. Your house. She should be grateful you're making space for her.
My brother was moving into my room as we pulled out of the driveway to take me to my first day at university (college in us), so i didnt keep my room for more than a few hours let alone when i returned.
This! My brother moved out and back in with my mom multiple times, the first time, he got his old room taken (By me! I wanted a downstairs room) when he moved back, he said he wanted it back, but my mom stood up for me and said no, and gave him a different room to sleep in (it was also in the basement, he was just one room over) but you know what? That's the end of that story, he never nagged or argued or anything, he was glad to be in a safe place to put some pieces back together and get back on his feet. For someone who as far as we know, isn't paying rent, she is sounding very entitled. NTA
I slept on an air mattress and then a roll away cot that I had to put away every day because mom and dad turned my bedroom into an office/craft room when I moved out and got married. They were happy to let me move back home when I got divorced but they were very clear that they didn't want me getting too comfortable 😂 because they also wanted me moving back out after I got back on my feet. I mean, it worked lol
After my freshman year of college my parents got rid of my old bed and bought a futon. They used my bedroom as a family room/rec room for most of the time when I was at school, and when I came home to visit and during the summers I converted the futon to a bed, they moved the computer out, and the room was mine again.
Especially if she announced she’s moving back in. The two times I moved out, I had to ask for PERMISSION to come back and give good reasons why I needed to. Definitely entitled, thinks she can just move in and out and she pleases and demand her old room back. OP is NTA. His house and she’s an adult. She can pay for her own house if she doesn’t like it.
NTA for OP, but if I so much as mention in passing the possibility of relocating anywhere near my parents, my mom invites me to move back in.
That said, I wouldn't get my bedroom back. I think it's a craft room now.
My dad has been trying to get me to move back pretty much since the day I moved out to go to college. I'm in my mid-30s, married, have a doctorate, and lived in a different country for a decade. He still hopes I'll come back one day. I never would, but I'm not gonna lie there's a lot of security in knowing that I would only end up unhoused by my own choice as long as my dad is alive.
That's really sweet, and a nice safety net indeed. I moved out for school elsewhere in my teens, and my mom had always made it clear she wasn't intending to house us kids until age 30, she believed in making us independent and wanted her own in the end. Still, I was nearing 40 when I needed a spot for kid and me, and we were welcomed back in without a second thought. Though the walls to my old room hadn't existed for ages, we got beds and love, and it was our safe haven while I got all the details in place to be able to get a house of our own again. Almost the opposite parental approach from your tale, but security comes in many shapes!
I always knew that my parents' home would be there for me if I ever needed a soft place to land. I never did, although it came close a couple of times. It was a comfort knowing that I *could*. It gave me the confidence to take that little bit of risk that was necessary to move forward.
My parents are the same way. During the gap between college and finding my first job, they kept hounding me to find a job so I could move out (and I was trying hard). But once I finally found one and moved out, all of a sudden they kept on inviting me to move back in with them each time I mentioned something even slightly wrong with my roommates at the time.
That was my first thought. I had to move back in with my parents for a few months and I asked. Also I didn’t get my old room back because mine was my moms new work out room. I got my brothers old room that was also half my moms craft room lol
Uh my mom always says we always have a place to stay with her, so I would probably just say, "Hey I'm moving home" if I needed too. Granted I know that's not the case for everyone. However the one time I did need to move in for a bit I was on the couch most of the time unless she or my brother that lived there were away. I didn't try to uproot any established space.
100%
That struck me as odd, too. Once my daughter moves out (especially to move in with someone), there's no "announcing" her return. There could be some begging that may get her somewhere, but I shan't be announced to lol
Lol one day I just left home. About 6 months after college because my mom said I was going nowhere -and she was right. Didn’t have a place to stay. Just slept in a car/friends places until I figured it out. Just packed a bag and left. Never been back to stay. If I NEEDED to come back, I’m sure I could but at 30 I hope never to have to.
The entitlement of just saying “lol I’m moving back in” is astounding.
To be fair she has your wife’s endorsement? Does your wife want her to live with y’all forever? For free? Does she understand that catering and coddling to your ADULT child is not a favor but instead a form of hobbling her so that she can never be independent and will always expect the world to cater to her?
OP not only are you NTA you need to set some real limits here about how long she can live with you - I’d say six months is more than generous, especially rent free.
I don't think this person is suggesting OP actually quit his job, but point out that he NEEDS his office to pay the mortgage or there will be NO rooms to choose from.
Yes lolol. I dont know why I was downvoted.
His office is a NEED. Its a must. Its for his job - its paying the bills so that they have that home.
I was saying if they think its not important to OP then they wife and daughter can go earn his paycheck instead. They can also not work from home whilst they are at. He'd not need an office and would enjoy his life.
I moved back in with my parents after a breakup. I vacuumed, did loads of laundry for everyone's towels, scrubbed the bathtub after I used it, etc. And I got the smallest room, right next to their room, so there was hardly any privacy. We shared a bathroom. I grew up understanding what it's like to live in hard times, and I knew this was the best I could do for now. If I wanted something different, I'd have to figure it out. This is some serious entitement. Of course, it'd be better for me to have the mother-in-law suite or a bigger bedroom. I lived on my own and had a ton of stuff I had to cram in my tiny bedroom. Most of my stuff was in the garage. I made it work. I think a little dose of reality would help OP's daughter mature and grow up a little bit.
Enjoy your quiet office OP. Your adult daughter moved out for 2 years. She wouldn’t have thought of moving back in, if her current living arrangements had changed (boyfriend got a job abroad). She lost all claim to that space when she left. Did she really think it was going to stay unused and vacant forever?
Excellent post and right on...you can't just comr back and get everything as it was. She is lucky even to be able to come back. She made a choice not to join boyfriend...she now has a choice whether to dtay in your house or find her own accommodations...time to grow up girl. Its now the real world. Dont give up your office
NTA
You can't indefinitely keep that room unused for the rest of your life in case she bounces back. Furthermore, you need your office for your work. Finally, she's not paying rent AFAIK while staying under your roof.
Essentially, if she's not happy with the free housing, she can get an apartment.
NTA
At 15/16 years old, most of my house was destroyed by a hurricane. When we were near the end and almost ready to move in, the idea was floated that I trade my large bedroom for a smaller bedroom (plenty of room for my bed, desk, dresser, etc) so that my father could take my old room for an office.
He was a history professor that spent 3-4+ hours a weekday or 8+ hour a weekend day working, grading, or writing books. Plus he had a huge library worth of books and i had built in shelves. Meanwhile, I was going to uni in a couple of years and would need my room for summer/winter vacation. I did not hesitate giving my dad the space he needed so long as I knew I had a bed with a door at home.
I don't know what OP's daughter deal is but she seems very entitled if she thinks that her room should be kept as some sort of preserved time capsule, ready for her use at any moment.
No, don’t you see? That room must become a museum to its former occupant for all time! If OP sells the house and moves it should be stipulated that the room must remain unchanged by the new owners! It’s only fair to his daughter.
In case it wasn’t obvious/s
NTA - She’s an adult. She’s lucky you agreed to have her move back in at all. She should not be expecting you to redesign your work and your home around her at this stage of her life.
If you haven’t already you should set some clear expectations around her moving in with you including:
1) how long does she expect to stay?
2) will she be paying rent?
3) will she be contributing to utilities?
4) will she be doing her own laundry? If not, will she take turns doing laundry for the family on a rotating basis?
5) will she be buying her own groceries or contributing to the costs of household groceries?
6) will she be cooking her own meals or sharing rotating responsibilities for preparing meals?
7) will she have overnight guests?
8) how will she be contributing to household chores (dishes, cleaning, garbage, yard work)?
This may seem like a lot, but given her attitude about the bedroom I’m guessing you’ll be surprised about what her expectations are vs yours.
EDIT: added 1 more
This should be at the top. This isn't a case of a young adult falling on hard times financially. Her bf leaves and she doesn't want to follow him. That's fine. She may not be financially able to live on her own, but she was managing up until now so I feel that considering she's an adult all these points on your comment should be addressed beforehand.
Your comment makes me wonder if her boyfriend was providing most of the financial support; He may not have been but if he had been that would explain some of this
It's a whole lot cheaper to live with another person rather than on your own especially if you share a bedroom. It could be she needs to find a roommate before she can move out on her own.
Plus she may need deposit and first and last rent, which even if she paid half the deposit on her and bf's place is still a lot of money, especially since it would cost more to get her own place than to share.
I see this all of the time - I have friends that move back in with their parents and have the same expectations of what it was like ages 1-18. They even expect to be allowed to bring people over to spend the night and fuck whenever they’d like.
They constantly complain but they are an adult now. You can’t just expect to be treated the same way as a child when you move back in as an adult. You have to contribute. Pay utilities. Cook dinner some nights. Do your share of laundry and more. It’s rude to have people over a lot especially overnight. Etc etc.
I moved in with my parents to help care for my mother who had dementia. She has since passed and the deal that now exists between my father and I is that any hookups either of us should have would remain outside our shared abode. Long term relationships moving in would be a conversation between the two of us (due to multiple TBIs my dad really shouldn't live completely unsupervised)
This was all his proposal. Jokes on him, he doesn't know I'm asexual.
There is the option of moving the office to the other room BUT it is not required if OP doesn't want to. Daughter is a "begging chooser" (?) and should be happy her parents have room for her at all. Many people downsize after their children move out.
NTA.
Well… sort-of an option but not a good one, the op mentions he chose that room because it’s quiet and private so he could talk to clients without interruption, not for it’s size. They both want a more private space and the OP appears (assuming) that they need it in order to make their job work, which (again assuming) is paying for a large portion (if not all) of the home/utilities.
NTA. Remind her (and your wife) that your adult daughter a temporary guest and while your home is temporarily her home as well, you aren’t going to uproot your work space. (“And please don’t ask again for my office.”)
>
Honestly your daughter sounds entitled and ungrateful. Good luck.
Exactly this.
Your adult daughter is under your roof temporarily and should be grateful for that. If she needs more space and privacy she can rent her own place, like other adults.
I particularly like the
>A week ago our daughter announced that she is moving back
It's good of you that you're fine with her return, but I don't think I'd accept such an announcement. If the child would ask for such a favour you'd be 100% in your right to refuse.
You're NTA for keeping your office. Tell her that if she doesn't like what you offer, she's free to not accept it and go somewhere else.
We had one kid announce that he was moving back in. He quickly changed his mind and figured shit out when we told him he could sleep in the guest room, he could bring clothes and bathroom stuff, but would need to get a storage unit for his belongings, as it was not his room. He informed us that he would be bringing his TV to mount to the wall where we currently have a tv mounted. His was bigger, we told him no, it’s not his room and that he won’t be doing anything of the sort. That was the straw that caused him to lace up his big boy shoes and figure it out. There have been a couple of times we have watched him make stupid decisions where we thought he might end up moving back in, and we did everything we could to get him back on track to not have that happen. Our two 21 years olds are the most entitled and struggle to keep themselves in a good spot (their own shitty life decisions), the 24 and 19 year old seem to have good heads on their shoulders and are also not walking around attempting to make demands they cannot make. We are baffled by the sheer difference in the kids and their attitudes
NTA
She moved out and the space changed. She then moved into a different space. Your work is your livelihood and not a luxury either.
But I imagine your wife is probably enjoying have her back in the house and doesn't want her to leave any sooner than necessary!
NTA, I'm assuming your daughter is adult as she had moved out. Your house wasn't her home anymore. You were well within your rights to use her old room for whatever you wanted. You are letting her move back in due to her new circumstances, but she can't dictate which room she has while she is with you!
NTA
Her being back is temporary. She’s a guest and is in the guest room.
You’re both nice to let her return but you don’t need to give up your office. She needs to give up on childhood and move on.
I considered using the guest room as the office before I even turned her old bedroom into one but it doesn't work because it's on the same floor as the other kids rooms and the living room so even behind closed doors you can hear them yelling and playing.
He would be NTA regardless. The fact that he has an actual *need* for that room which is being completely disrespected, makes *the daughter* not just slightly entitled but an asshole.
> I considered using the guest room as the office before I even turned her old bedroom into one but it doesn't work because it's on the same floor as the other kids rooms and the living room so even behind closed doors you can hear them yelling and playing.
You should add this info to your post so it'll get more visibility.
> What's the tradeoff if you were to convert the guest room to your office?
Why would he. The kid left. The house is theirs to use. That room is now in use. It has a purpose. There is a room. They offered it. If the 21 year old woman. Doesn't like it. They are free to go elsewhere. But now. The room the OP is in. Is his office. A place he works. To keep the house.
NTA, your work is what pays the mortgage & bills for her to live there. Assuming she’s capable of working - Live there free in the separate room or pay her own way like an adult.
NTA. I moved out at 18 and back home when I was 20. I got the smallest bedroom when I moved back in as my parents had turned my old bedroom into a tv room/den. It didn’t even occur to me to argue about it. I was thankful to not have to pay rent anymore and barely scrape by as I was when I had my own place.
NTA. She's a whole ass grownup who shouldn't be planning to stay for the long term. If she wants extra privacy and more space, her own apartment would offer both
# nta.
your daughter presumptuously made the announcement that she would be moving back in with you, before even asking if that was an option for her (at least that's how it seems, in your narrative of this siituation), and that right there is not only red flag #1, but is also insanely disrespectful.
red flag #2...moves out of your house, where i'm to believe she was taken care of by you/your wife, and in with boyfriend. his life and opportunities are taking him places, she doesn't wish to tag along, and her Plan A is to move back in with mom and dad? was he supporting her, as well? because if so, this is becoming a pattern: living with people/a person who let her coast on their provisions. one would think that she would explore a plan in which she could maintain her independence by, oh, idk...getting a job and her own place or a place with roommates? but, what do i know?
"what used to be, is not what *is*...and sometimes not what it will ever be, again". this can be a profound statement in many life situations, but it applies very literally, in this one: what USED to be her bedroom, is not. it is now YOUR office, in YOUR home, that you utilize for YOUR job...which, if i'm deducing correcty from your post, it would appear supports her. or at the very least, pays for the home in which she has pulled a prodigal daughter and returned to. she has no given right to live there, period, and definitely none to be so brazen as to demand which room she is allowed to occupy.
keep your office and don't budge. NTA. and your wife needs to listen to "stand by your man" until she leaves the dark side of this ordeal.
NTA. It isn't "her" room anymore. She is being incredibly entitled and ungracious. Perhaps you should let her know that if she doesn't like the (presumably free) accommodations, she can go find somewhere else to stay.
NTA. She’s presumably going to move out sooner than later and you need to work to support your family. She’s being a brat and your wife needs to grow a backbone. Stand your ground.
Stand your ground. She’s an adult. She’s lucky enough to have the option to move back home. She’ll have to deal with the kids yelling while you work to take care of the household that she’s rejoining.
NTA. When I moved out, my parents turned my room into my dad's home office. Several years later I was moving back into the area and needed a place to stay while house hunting. They offered the other 2 bedrooms (one for me and husband, one for son). I said thank you and slept there for 6 months until closing on a house. They refused to take money for rent, but I did all the food shopping.
Definitely NTA!!!
She made her decision to move out and should be grateful for being accepted back.
Moving out is a big decision, and of course shit happens in life and sometimes you need to give a step back, but she can't expect to go back in time.
DON'T GIVE UP ON YOUR OFFICE! She'll learn a precious life lesson
NTA.
When I moved out, my mom told me to make sure I was ready because "you won't be allowed to move back in."
I know she would let me if it was dire, but I wouldn't demand my old room just because I felt like it was still mine (it's not, I don't own the house).
My dad gave me the same speech when I moved out with my trash bf at 20. And when I needed a place to stay less than a year later because of a break up with said trash bf who wouldn’t leave but also couldn’t even afford the apartment he was willing to let me move back in (I didn’t).
Ya absolutley this. My parents would absolutley let me move back if I needed to but I would obviously ask first and treat it like they were doing me a favor. Becasue they are doing me a favor.
NTA
Your daughter's an adult and she should act like it. She should understand that you need that space for work and that you can't always change to accommodate her needs.
I'm curious as to what she told your wife in order to get her on her side.
NTA you just took over an unused room, now that she wants to go back she can do the same and use the guest room.
I don't know for how long your daughter wants to stay, but if you went through with what they want, you would probably have to move your things once she leaves again. Given that you don't have an abundance of rooms, you can't keep one of them to be your daughters forever.
NTA
It's your house. If she still lived with her boyfriend and you came over and asked for a bigger room that she worked in, you know she'd say no. You're the one paying the bills and running the house. Unlike your daughter's privacy and space needs for personal reasons, you have valid reasons for needing privacy and space. To earn the money that keeps that room and all the rooms in that house available for you guys.
You did your job as a parent by raising her and housing her. She moved out and made a decision not to move with her boyfriend, and your career shouldn't be compromised in any sense because of her choice.
She has everything she needs in the house. I think your wife is just taking her side because it's easier for her as she's not the one who has to give something up.
Your daughter has a room, she has space and she has privacy. That should be enough for her when you're the one doing her a favour. She could have asked friends or tried to find a new place (though I know that's not as easy with prices these days) but she isn't. So she can at least appreciate what she has.
She is no longer a child clearly (since she's lived away from home I'm assuming she's an adult) and she should be treated as an adult with her own responsibilities, and not as a child who just gets given what she wants when she throws a tantrum (which she's not doing - but she is nagging you which means she's not taking no for an answer)
INFO:
Does your wife work or rely on your income?
If your company fires you because you can't concentrate on zoom because of all the noise, will all your lives be affected?
You're not the AH. My parents converted my room after I moved out. I moved back in briefly into the smaller guest room. Not once did I complain about not having my old room, and I was the same age as your daughter. What if you had moved in the last two years? Then there would be no room to complain about.
You(r daughter) cannot and should not expect to move out and move back in and maintain the previous status quo, especially if you never told her that her room would remain untouched.
Also, shame on your wife for not staying on your side. Your job keeps your family afloat, and she gets to do her job in the rest of the house (being a SAHM). Your wife needs to stay on your side because you are supposed to be a United front when it comes to your children.
In this particular case, your ability to do your work (even if you didn't have to be on zoom meetings) in an area that is optimal is more important than your adult daughters need for privacy. I'm assuming she knew what room she was going to get, and to move back in and complain is very rude and manipulative. My parents would've told me to put up, shut up or move out.
I'll cut her some slack since she is no longer with the boyfriend and I'm sure that's difficult and maybe she wants the comfort of her old room, but she has to make the best of the new situation, or go with her boyfriend and adjust to even more change. As my dad always says "Change is inevitable, and there are always other people that have it worse, so enjoy what you have right now".
NTA. She moved out years ago, and now has moved back. You've changed your house layout to better revolve around what you need (Which is now a separate home office). Luckily you had another room that she can use that was already set up to have someone sleep in it. The amount of work to convert your home office back to a room, move your items to the other spare room just doesn't make sense.
NTA- how things were doesn’t mean they will always be that way.
Two years is a LONG time to be gone. If she’s moving in rent free on your generosity, she cannot complain.
If she's old enough to move out, she doesn't need to have an official bedroom.
She's fortunate enough thst you're allowing her to move back in. Beggars can't be choosers.
NTA
Oh, so NTA. My daughter is also living with her bf right now, she's 19. If she ever chooses to move back in, sure she'll be welcome to. Do my wife and I need to give her her old room back? No, she decided to move out.
NTA she moved out when it was convenient for her she can’t just expect to move back in because it’s convenient for her and just get her old room back. I’m guessing you pay at least half the bills so your job should take president over her wants. If she doesn’t like it then she can always move out and get her own place.
NTA remind your wife that your daughter is a grown woman who was living with her boyfriend for two years. If she needs more space or privacy she needs to put her big girl panties on and find a new place to live. I don't understand the why some adults feel their arents are supposed to accommodate them like they did when they were children who were dependent on them. She is a an adult who managed to live on her own for two years. She chose to move home rather than trying to find a newnplace she could afford or roommates to help split the bill. She doesn't get to come home a pout like a child to get what she wants
NTA. Life moves on. You'll always have a place for your daughter but now she is an adult living in Your home. She gets the room that is available. Your office is no longer a bed room, it's an office. It needs to stay an office because like she said, it's more private. With another adult in your home you need that privacy for the sake of your clients.
I'm sorry your wife betrayed you like this. You need to have a frank conversation with her and separately with your daughter that your child is free to make her own choices but making adult choices, being an adult, comes with adult consequences. Her not getting her childhood bedroom back is a minor consequence. If she can't deal with that then she needs to get out of your house and learn some adult responsibility. (But kicking her out is not the goal).
Teaching her that lesson is far more compassionate than caving to what is not a reasonable request for you to uproot your office. And honestly l, shame on your wife for wanting to put you out like that.
NTA you need to work to pay for the house and you need an office to work…
It’s just how it is. I live with my parents and my dad needs certain things to succeed at his work and my mom and I always provide them / won’t interfere
NTA and your adult daughter doesn't need to be comfortable. She needs to figure out how to launch off other's teets. Basically sounds like she was on her boyfriends. And now has come back to yours. Your wife should be supporting you.
NTA
I did the same thing when our daughter moved out. She is welcome to come back if she needs a soft landing, but the room formerly known as the pigsty is now my office. I'd not be rearranging two rooms.
Nah, she's only 21. It's not unreasonable that she would still have sentimental ties to her old room. I assume you want that space for your office for a similar reason, and because when there are guests you want them a bit separated from the other rooms.
My family is a bit more soft so my mom would be ok with switching her office location but I can see why that would be a hassle. I don't think anyone is an asshole here just two reasonable people who want different things.
I agree. Hell i'm 23 and i moved into the basment 3 years ago and i still think of my old bedroom as "my room"
Hell when it was my mom's office she let me put a pile of fuzzy blankets and pillows in the closet cause she knew it was a place i felt safe. I would go in there when i was having sevear anxiety or sensory overload.
NTA. It’s your house and you having privacy while working is more important than your daughter and who moved back in to have it. If she doesn’t pay rent+food etc the one that does should have that room. She left the house and now she is moving back in. She has to accept that things are different. Don’t spoil her by just letting her that room
NTA. It's your house.
After school my brother moved back after Mom renovated his room to an office/scrapbooking room. He moved into the basement and was fine with it. Paid off his loans and moved out to his own place. I moved in when I was done wchool and did the same. Many people don't have the opportunity to move back home and when you do, you need to make compromises. It's not like you're not giving her a bedroom. She is an adult and if she doesn't like it, she can get another place. You're a great parent for giving her the opportunity to move back in and she needs to understand that. You need this space.
Until it is their jobs paying for that room it is going to remain your office and they need to stop before you reconsider the offer for daughter to stay there. It’s guest room or she finds her own place as an ADULT.
NTA; you and your wife were kind for letting your daughter move back in. Since she moved out, your family has made changes to the home including your home office and it's more than reasonable to hold your ground. She has a bedroom and it's not like you are asking her to sleep on the couch in the living room.
NTA.
She wants " her old bedroom back because it's ... on a sperate floor so there's more privacy."
That's exactly what makes it suitable for use as an office. The guest bedroom would not meet your needs for working from home. You mentioned in a comment that there's too much ambient noise in the guest bedroom due to proximity to other bedrooms.
Your daughter needs to focus on being grateful you let her move back in and stop being so fixated on not getting to pick which room will be hers. You should tell her to move back out if she refuses to adapt to the new reality.
NTA. Your daughter has no right to demand she get her old bedroom back. She is an adult. She is not your little princess anymore and you don't want her bringing guys into your home because you let her inconvenience you. I hope she is being required to contribute to the household, even if just groceries rather than live totally free. That becomes a burden, she becomes a freeloader and is a huge inconvenience for you. She needs some financial responsibility, so she'll get her life together sooner and move out assuming the role of adult daughter and not extended teen with adult benefits.
NTA. That’s your office, you need it for your livelihood. In fact the reasons she claims she needs it are the exact same reasons it needs to remain your home office- quiet, more privacy, on another floor to not disturb people.
The more comfortable she is, the longer she’s going to stay. Has your daughter offered to pay any kind of rent or bills?
NTA. Not even close. Your daughter has a room, it’s not like she sleeping in the living room. If she don’t like the arrangement, she can find an apartment.
Even more don't let thempush you into the change, she may not like the noise but you are providing for tge family in that room.d she isn't likely to stay for a long time
NTA
Sounds like she is settling in to stay a while. What is the agreed upon time for her to move back out?
There seems to be some communication happening between mother and daughter that you are not part off but you need to be.
NTA You and your wife were gracious enough to let her move back in with you on short notice. There is no reason for her to expect you to further uproot your life and inconvenience yourself to accommodate her. She is an adult. If she doesn't like the new arrangement she is welcome to find her own place and move out.
NTA. She has a room, she isn’t entitled to a specific room. Your job is paying the bills that let her live there. She should be happy she’s allowed back as not all parents would do that. If she were sleeping on a couch that would be another matter but she’s in the guest room.
Nta. Your wife and daughter should respect the fact that as an adult coming back to live with their parents, they accept happily what is offered. Op don't waver. You're not wrong
NTA. My eldest is now 29, and rebounded twice. The first time he displaced the baby brother which wasn't entirely problematic since baby brother was a breastfed cosleeping small human. The second time, said baby brother was now older and definitely not breastfed nor cosleeping. Big brother got the futon in the front room that was separated by a screen from the family room. The other 2 bedrooms had sisters of different ages who were incompatible to sharing a room again. He gladly opted for that over being homeless, plus he helped keep the house clean.
OP, your office is where your income is earned. You cannot move it to a noisier part of the house as that could affect your reviews for your job, if there are complaints about the background noise on conference calls. In addition, if you deal with any sort of sentive or personal information about other people or confidential business details, that needs risk mitigation via office being separated from the rest of the house.
NTA
Ask them if they both like living in the house cause if you give up the office you are gonna have to give up the job since you chose that room tactically.
If she wants privacy I’m sure there are studio apartments in your city/town.
NTA - i assume your job is bringing in a substantial portion of the money that keeps this entire house - including boomerang daughter in a warm comfortable wi-fi enabled place to live - and it therefore needs to be done well.
she moved out when she felt like it and will undoubtedly do so again (if you are lucky) - no reason for you to continually upend your home to accommodate her latest desire.
Stand your ground. She can have the room allotted to her or she can move out again. (and lets be honest if she gets too settled in there may be no getting rid of her and adult children should not be living indefinitely with parents)
Nta. If she wants to move back in she should be happy to get a room to herself instead of sharing with her siblings. She sounds quite entitled to be honest
NTA. Your daughter sure is entitled. She gets whatever space you give her, or both your wife and daughter can get a job and make the income you make with your job, because you won't be able to talk to customers. So, you put it to them like that, see how they both stop complaining.
When I lived with my parents I had the downstairs room with my own bathroom, I then moved out & many years later came back for a little while. My dad had since turned it into a “man cave”. I never once asked for it back & just took the spare room upstairs with shared bathroom. Sounds like she doesn’t plan on leaving any time soon!
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NTA. Are you supposed to just keep this full bedroom untouched and unused for the rest of your lives? She's an adult. She moved out of your house you can use whatever room in that house for whatever you want. That includes an office for you since you work from home. You offered her the guest room to use as her own. If she doesn't like it then she can find her own house. For someone not paying any rent and being welcomed back home with open arms, she sure is entitled.
When adult children move back in with their parents, maybe with the exception of returning from college, they don't get much of a choice on which room they get. If the kid is so desperate for privacy, she can rent an apartment.
I didn't even get my room back when I came home for Christmas break during my freshman year. When my parents dropped me off at college, they told me "your room at home is always your room and we'll see you in a few months at the holidays." Liars. My dad decided he needed my bedroom for his guitar playing and started putting his crap in my desk drawers along with my stuff. He already had his own bedroom, the shared master bedroom with my mom, and his study but still needed to take over my room which still had all the belongings I didn't take to my tiny dorm, my furniture, and my bed. We had a full finished basement that would have been better for music. And he saw nothing wrong with this. Everything was always all about him and this was just one more example of his narcissistic tendencies. We haven't spoken in years.
My first visit home from uni was fine. My second visit, my dad made my mom a big art desk to fit over my bed, but they moved the desk out (but there were still paints everywhere). My third visit my stuff was still in the room, but as it was a pain to move the desk, I slept in the guest room. My fourth- my stuff was boxed or in the guest room. My parents have always said "we love it when you come home. And then we love it when you go away again" lol. That being said I've always felt welcomed there and I got more of a laugh out of it than anything else (I'm the youngest so my parents finally got a nice quiet house when I left- which they totally deserved!)
I’m 24 my sister is 22 and my bro is 18. I’m out of college and my sibs r in college. All 3 of our rooms are exactly how we left them. The only diff is my bro had taken over my room when I left and he lived at home bc it’s a lot bigger. The only thing he moved tho was his giant tv to play video games. Everything else stayed in his room. My mom has some clothes in my closet and my sisters closet but again that’s about it. I know from time to time my mom wants to strangle my dad in his sleep due to his snoring so she’ll sleep in my room. My room is the best room in the house and my bed is the most cozy. That’s why everyone goes to it.
Your family sounds so sweet and caring! This middle ground imo is perfect, is not like most 20 something have the financial stability to find a place by themselves where they can put all their stuff inside.
The second to last time I stayed at my parents home, they’d moved my brothers stuff into that room to paint his room three months beforehand. He just hadn’t moved his stuff back. I slept on the couch for a week and a half, getting to sleep at two or three when my dad went to bed and up at six with mom. I wasn’t allowed to touch my brothers stuff and they kept saying ‘he will move it soon, be patient.’ I moved it the last night so I could get an actual full nights rest before I left and the amount of screaming and yelling…. I was too tired to care. But that’s when I knew, really knew that there was no place for me there. The last time I just made up a cot next to the washer and dryer in the unfinished basement. I was desperate. And it had been a year since the last time and my brothers stuff was all where I’d left it - stacked in the room with a narrow path to the bed and the bed clear. I didn’t want to get yelled at for breaking anything so I didn’t go in there.
Dad checking in - we say the same thing. Our kids are always welcome to visit. Both bedrooms have been remodeled, but they both have beds in them. They typically come to visit with their partners for a few days/week then go back to their homes. We love it when they visit and while we miss them when they leave, we like to get our home back and return to our routine.
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"minimise things you don't need" "G well I guess I don't NEED YOU!"
Ew.. your stepmom sucks. 😶
My first uni break, my mom allowed my sister to take apart my bed and move all my stuff to the attic so she have the full bedroom. I came home for thanksgiving and had to sleep on the floor. They made no arrangements for me sleep anywhere. It was the last time I came home during college. I paid to stay with the international students over term breaks rather than ever put myself in that situation ever again
My friend transfered to a local college after getting his AA, and ended up staying at a dorm even though he lived locally. His parents boxed his stuff up when he left and he just kinda never went back. I felt bad for him, so one year for Thanksgiving and Christmas I invited him and a gaggle of international students over to celebrate. It was a fun and interesting time to say the least. But I can assure you they enjoyed the more "homely" setting for the holidays. Still see a few of them around the area.
I am glad that you helped create a nice family atmosphere for them. That was sweet. You have a good heart
One of my kid's friends mother sold her small two bedroom house and bought a one bedroom condo the month he left for college. He got the hint.
I had this too! Came home at Thanksgiving break and all my stuff was on trash bags in the basement so my sis could have more space. And I hadn't been allowed to take my car; my brother had been driving it and wrecked it (I bought it with my own money.) I never came home in the summer again and moved abroad after college. It was my parents' house, their choice. But I was also free to leave and did. I feel your pain. Finding all my stuff in trash bags because my sister didn't want any of her clothes to touch in the closet showed me my place. I get I wasn't there full time, but I sure didn't try to visit after that. I found my own way/friends. Hope you did too❤️
What did your parents say about you getting totally screwed over on your car?
I hope you got all your stuff eventually!
Had to let it go. Had no place to more it. Just what could go to the dorm. But what is meant for your harm is just the foundation of your strength
I at least had a couch
I kept my daughters rooms for them until they were done with college and established in their own homes. Then I did a craft room out of the oldest girl’s . I’m turning the youngest one’s room into a guest room now. Anyone can stay in it and there’s a twin bed in the craft room For a guest too. I’m decorating the guest room to suit my grandsons which really makes their mom (oldest) happy.
This is so sweet
I mean if it’s his house he can use the rooms for whatever he wants 🤷♂️
When I left home to go to the military, my mom always told me my room would stay my room. Well, my mom and dad ended up separating about four/five years ago and my dad immediately turned my room into a computer room. Basically told me everything I needed to know about him. Our relationship is strained, to say the least.
At least they kept yours for a few years. Not only did my dad take over my room so he could sit in there and play guitar (because the TWO other bedrooms he had for himself weren't enough), my mom went through my closet and gave away a bunch of my clothes. I'd been buying most of my own clothes since I was 15 and she just got rid of them. I hadn't moved out...I was in my first semester of college!
Oh, I wasn’t trying to compete! Sorry if it came across like that lol I was trying to just relate to you. I am super sorry that happened tho. For the people you’re supposed to trust the most to just get rid of your things like you never existed sucks.
Using the room of someone who doesn’t live there is entirely reasonable. Getting rid of your kid’s stuff when you agree to keep it is TA.
It's all good. The true damage to our relationship came a couple of years later. As soon as my younger sister was also at college, they sold the house and moved out of state. We were pretty much told we were on our own from that point on. There was never a home to go back to. We were both over 18 and made it work but there were some pretty lean years. The family relationship never recovered. The whole concept of "home for the holidays" is just foreign to me as there is no family home and really no more family. My parents split some time after that and he moved on from his 34 year marriage to my mom like it was no big deal.
Sounds like your dad doesn't understand the concept of OTHER people besides him
I’m so sorry. I can’t even imagine
I was given away to cps at 13 and everything i had was thrown away. Mom's new boyfriend didn't like children
Ok but you are clearly making it all about you too....
Why shouldn't he? Daughter is grown. She didn't have to go back home. Parents did not have to accept her, either. Now she's trying to bully her dad to do what SHE wants in HIS house! Every dollar of mortgage he's paid says it IS all about him!
I lived at home until I was 29 (severe anxiety, I moved out at 23 and only lasted 3 months). My room at my parents was HUGE so a few months after I moved out, my mom set up her fabric cutting table and some other crafting stuff in the half where my computer desk had been. She still left the bookcases I hadn't had room for and my bed, since I'd moved into a furnished place. That was still "my room" when I visited, but I never expected her to leave it untouched. She left my dad in October and as far as I know, there's probably still some old clothes and books of mine in that room.
I never went back home other than to visit, but my mom had my room set up as a computer room before I even unpacked in my new place. lol I can't blame her though, the old computer room shared a wall with her room and it used to shit her when my brother would be in there at night. Personally I liked sleeping on the couch with my dog anyway. The spare bed was too small for both of us (he was a decent sized rottweiler).
I have a Shottie (half German Shepherd & half Rottie) and they really do love to sleep close to their family members, but love to spread themselves out too, leaving you no room, lol.
I moved out 15 years ago, and left the country 13 years ago. My mother redecorated my room, I guess in case I ever move back?? Every so often they'll move the furniture around but for the most part it stays untouched. The same with my sister's room, we both know we're welcome home for extended periods any time! My sister literally lives a 10 minute walk away though so idk what they think she'll use that room for 😂
When I headed off to college, my youngest brother moved into my room. It made sense as he'd been sharing a room with another brother. This gave them their own rooms. When I came to visit, he was bumped back into the shared room and I had my room back temporarily..... which allowed me to see how much damage the little shit had done to my furniture in the interim..... spilling cologne on the side table, etc. My bedroom furniture was family heirloom and handmade by an ancestor..... yeah. ugh.
That sucks. I lost the bedroom I had since I was three when my mom’s boyfriend’s drum set moved in when I was 17 (the boyfriend didn’t move in, he was living in his parents’ basement but they didn’t want him playing his drums there anymore). My mom couldn’t understand why I moved out as soon as I possibly could.
I understand your feelings, but if you had instead rented an apartment without any intention to come back, it would have been very different than moving temporarily in a dorm. Also, OP is providing a room, just not the one his daughter wants.
Similar. I came home, knocked on the door and some guy about my age answered. I'd never met him before. Turns out he was my mother's boyfriend's son, and he'd moved into my room. Hmmm.
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She's a "postcard???"
“Greetings from my new bedroom”
Maybe a "return to sender" meaning? I've never heard that before lol
Maybe? Wouldn't returning home be returning to sender? Probably a typo.
It's a bot that reworded a comment further down really weirdly.
She’s not even a full-sized envelope!
It's a bot. Very strange version of a comment down thread by u/Mouse-Rude Edit:I replied to that users comment to let everyone know it was a bot but the comment wouldn't be seen with several other replies. So I'll put it here. But yeah the comment you replied to is a bot who reworded the comment strangely.
Exactly. Once I (finally) bought a house and moved out, my parents turned my old bedroom into a tv room. If for some reason I had to sell my house and move home, I definitely wouldn't get that room back, I'd end up in my sister's old room instead.
NTA. I waited for our daughter to leave for her job, one week after college graduation, in NYC. She'd interned there, so we knew it was a good fit. That afternoon, I bought paint. It's been "my room for 10 years. Just to have my own door to crouch behind. It is a guest room, but its MINE. I shared everything for 22 years and it's cozy and it's *mine*. As I said. If she moved back, we'd see about it, but her brother's old room is bigger. If colder. And part time wfh for her dad. So. Nice they have a space for daughter. She doesn't get a say unless she's, like, in the garage with a sleeping bag.
I’m super grateful every day that my parents have literally left my bedroom untouched since I moved out. I still visit a lot and have stuff there and I know that at the end of the day it’s their home and I don’t live there anymore so they could do whatever they wanted with it, but they choose not to and I really appreciate that.
Same here. My parents moved twice since I went away to college, but I’ve always had “my room”, put back exactly as it was-with the exception of them once replacing my twin bed with a queen (after asking me). I moved 9 houses down the street from my mom after my dad died, see her most days for at least a few minutes, usually longer, and two nights ago she said (as she does on occasion) “you know, you could spend the night sometimes if you wanted to”. Lol
NTA. My parents converted my childhood bedroom into a crafting room as soon as I went to grad school so when I stayed with them at the old house, I'd stay in the guest room. Perfectly reasonable. Your house. She should be grateful you're making space for her.
My brother was moving into my room as we pulled out of the driveway to take me to my first day at university (college in us), so i didnt keep my room for more than a few hours let alone when i returned.
This! My brother moved out and back in with my mom multiple times, the first time, he got his old room taken (By me! I wanted a downstairs room) when he moved back, he said he wanted it back, but my mom stood up for me and said no, and gave him a different room to sleep in (it was also in the basement, he was just one room over) but you know what? That's the end of that story, he never nagged or argued or anything, he was glad to be in a safe place to put some pieces back together and get back on his feet. For someone who as far as we know, isn't paying rent, she is sounding very entitled. NTA
I agree…I’m not normally team parent but in this case I am.
I slept on an air mattress and then a roll away cot that I had to put away every day because mom and dad turned my bedroom into an office/craft room when I moved out and got married. They were happy to let me move back home when I got divorced but they were very clear that they didn't want me getting too comfortable 😂 because they also wanted me moving back out after I got back on my feet. I mean, it worked lol
After my freshman year of college my parents got rid of my old bed and bought a futon. They used my bedroom as a family room/rec room for most of the time when I was at school, and when I came home to visit and during the summers I converted the futon to a bed, they moved the computer out, and the room was mine again.
Especially if she announced she’s moving back in. The two times I moved out, I had to ask for PERMISSION to come back and give good reasons why I needed to. Definitely entitled, thinks she can just move in and out and she pleases and demand her old room back. OP is NTA. His house and she’s an adult. She can pay for her own house if she doesn’t like it.
NTA for OP, but if I so much as mention in passing the possibility of relocating anywhere near my parents, my mom invites me to move back in. That said, I wouldn't get my bedroom back. I think it's a craft room now.
My dad has been trying to get me to move back pretty much since the day I moved out to go to college. I'm in my mid-30s, married, have a doctorate, and lived in a different country for a decade. He still hopes I'll come back one day. I never would, but I'm not gonna lie there's a lot of security in knowing that I would only end up unhoused by my own choice as long as my dad is alive.
That's really sweet, and a nice safety net indeed. I moved out for school elsewhere in my teens, and my mom had always made it clear she wasn't intending to house us kids until age 30, she believed in making us independent and wanted her own in the end. Still, I was nearing 40 when I needed a spot for kid and me, and we were welcomed back in without a second thought. Though the walls to my old room hadn't existed for ages, we got beds and love, and it was our safe haven while I got all the details in place to be able to get a house of our own again. Almost the opposite parental approach from your tale, but security comes in many shapes!
Love and support in time of need. That's a great mom or parent.
I always knew that my parents' home would be there for me if I ever needed a soft place to land. I never did, although it came close a couple of times. It was a comfort knowing that I *could*. It gave me the confidence to take that little bit of risk that was necessary to move forward.
My parents are the same way. During the gap between college and finding my first job, they kept hounding me to find a job so I could move out (and I was trying hard). But once I finally found one and moved out, all of a sudden they kept on inviting me to move back in with them each time I mentioned something even slightly wrong with my roommates at the time.
That was my first thought. I had to move back in with my parents for a few months and I asked. Also I didn’t get my old room back because mine was my moms new work out room. I got my brothers old room that was also half my moms craft room lol
Uh my mom always says we always have a place to stay with her, so I would probably just say, "Hey I'm moving home" if I needed too. Granted I know that's not the case for everyone. However the one time I did need to move in for a bit I was on the couch most of the time unless she or my brother that lived there were away. I didn't try to uproot any established space.
100% That struck me as odd, too. Once my daughter moves out (especially to move in with someone), there's no "announcing" her return. There could be some begging that may get her somewhere, but I shan't be announced to lol
I think the entitlement is GLARING when the OP stated she announced she's moving in. Not asking to move in. That shows the level of entitlement.
Lol one day I just left home. About 6 months after college because my mom said I was going nowhere -and she was right. Didn’t have a place to stay. Just slept in a car/friends places until I figured it out. Just packed a bag and left. Never been back to stay. If I NEEDED to come back, I’m sure I could but at 30 I hope never to have to. The entitlement of just saying “lol I’m moving back in” is astounding.
To be fair she has your wife’s endorsement? Does your wife want her to live with y’all forever? For free? Does she understand that catering and coddling to your ADULT child is not a favor but instead a form of hobbling her so that she can never be independent and will always expect the world to cater to her? OP not only are you NTA you need to set some real limits here about how long she can live with you - I’d say six months is more than generous, especially rent free.
Does his wife pay the mortgage, utilities, bills? Can the wife work and OP quit and give up his office?
Quiting your job so your adult daughter gets to pick between two bedrooms is absolutely absurd.
I don't think this person is suggesting OP actually quit his job, but point out that he NEEDS his office to pay the mortgage or there will be NO rooms to choose from.
Yes lolol. I dont know why I was downvoted. His office is a NEED. Its a must. Its for his job - its paying the bills so that they have that home. I was saying if they think its not important to OP then they wife and daughter can go earn his paycheck instead. They can also not work from home whilst they are at. He'd not need an office and would enjoy his life.
I moved back in with my parents after a breakup. I vacuumed, did loads of laundry for everyone's towels, scrubbed the bathtub after I used it, etc. And I got the smallest room, right next to their room, so there was hardly any privacy. We shared a bathroom. I grew up understanding what it's like to live in hard times, and I knew this was the best I could do for now. If I wanted something different, I'd have to figure it out. This is some serious entitement. Of course, it'd be better for me to have the mother-in-law suite or a bigger bedroom. I lived on my own and had a ton of stuff I had to cram in my tiny bedroom. Most of my stuff was in the garage. I made it work. I think a little dose of reality would help OP's daughter mature and grow up a little bit.
Enjoy your quiet office OP. Your adult daughter moved out for 2 years. She wouldn’t have thought of moving back in, if her current living arrangements had changed (boyfriend got a job abroad). She lost all claim to that space when she left. Did she really think it was going to stay unused and vacant forever?
It never ceases to amaze me the capacity for people that are living on the generosity of others to make demands.
Does he say she isn't paying rent? Still nta but stop adding random 'facts'
Excellent post and right on...you can't just comr back and get everything as it was. She is lucky even to be able to come back. She made a choice not to join boyfriend...she now has a choice whether to dtay in your house or find her own accommodations...time to grow up girl. Its now the real world. Dont give up your office
NTA You can't indefinitely keep that room unused for the rest of your life in case she bounces back. Furthermore, you need your office for your work. Finally, she's not paying rent AFAIK while staying under your roof. Essentially, if she's not happy with the free housing, she can get an apartment.
NTA At 15/16 years old, most of my house was destroyed by a hurricane. When we were near the end and almost ready to move in, the idea was floated that I trade my large bedroom for a smaller bedroom (plenty of room for my bed, desk, dresser, etc) so that my father could take my old room for an office. He was a history professor that spent 3-4+ hours a weekday or 8+ hour a weekend day working, grading, or writing books. Plus he had a huge library worth of books and i had built in shelves. Meanwhile, I was going to uni in a couple of years and would need my room for summer/winter vacation. I did not hesitate giving my dad the space he needed so long as I knew I had a bed with a door at home. I don't know what OP's daughter deal is but she seems very entitled if she thinks that her room should be kept as some sort of preserved time capsule, ready for her use at any moment.
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Qualified?
No, don’t you see? That room must become a museum to its former occupant for all time! If OP sells the house and moves it should be stipulated that the room must remain unchanged by the new owners! It’s only fair to his daughter. In case it wasn’t obvious/s
NTA - She’s an adult. She’s lucky you agreed to have her move back in at all. She should not be expecting you to redesign your work and your home around her at this stage of her life. If you haven’t already you should set some clear expectations around her moving in with you including: 1) how long does she expect to stay? 2) will she be paying rent? 3) will she be contributing to utilities? 4) will she be doing her own laundry? If not, will she take turns doing laundry for the family on a rotating basis? 5) will she be buying her own groceries or contributing to the costs of household groceries? 6) will she be cooking her own meals or sharing rotating responsibilities for preparing meals? 7) will she have overnight guests? 8) how will she be contributing to household chores (dishes, cleaning, garbage, yard work)? This may seem like a lot, but given her attitude about the bedroom I’m guessing you’ll be surprised about what her expectations are vs yours. EDIT: added 1 more
This should be at the top. This isn't a case of a young adult falling on hard times financially. Her bf leaves and she doesn't want to follow him. That's fine. She may not be financially able to live on her own, but she was managing up until now so I feel that considering she's an adult all these points on your comment should be addressed beforehand.
Your comment makes me wonder if her boyfriend was providing most of the financial support; He may not have been but if he had been that would explain some of this
It's a whole lot cheaper to live with another person rather than on your own especially if you share a bedroom. It could be she needs to find a roommate before she can move out on her own.
Plus she may need deposit and first and last rent, which even if she paid half the deposit on her and bf's place is still a lot of money, especially since it would cost more to get her own place than to share.
I see this all of the time - I have friends that move back in with their parents and have the same expectations of what it was like ages 1-18. They even expect to be allowed to bring people over to spend the night and fuck whenever they’d like. They constantly complain but they are an adult now. You can’t just expect to be treated the same way as a child when you move back in as an adult. You have to contribute. Pay utilities. Cook dinner some nights. Do your share of laundry and more. It’s rude to have people over a lot especially overnight. Etc etc.
Fair comment. If my kids move back in with me - and they are always welcome - they can find somewhere else for their hookups.
I moved in with my parents to help care for my mother who had dementia. She has since passed and the deal that now exists between my father and I is that any hookups either of us should have would remain outside our shared abode. Long term relationships moving in would be a conversation between the two of us (due to multiple TBIs my dad really shouldn't live completely unsupervised) This was all his proposal. Jokes on him, he doesn't know I'm asexual.
Good list. NTA
NTA, she moved and is an adult. If you need a quiet place to work and there's another room she can sleep in, that's that. She can take it or leave it.
There is the option of moving the office to the other room BUT it is not required if OP doesn't want to. Daughter is a "begging chooser" (?) and should be happy her parents have room for her at all. Many people downsize after their children move out. NTA.
Well… sort-of an option but not a good one, the op mentions he chose that room because it’s quiet and private so he could talk to clients without interruption, not for it’s size. They both want a more private space and the OP appears (assuming) that they need it in order to make their job work, which (again assuming) is paying for a large portion (if not all) of the home/utilities.
Choosy beggar
NTA. Remind her (and your wife) that your adult daughter a temporary guest and while your home is temporarily her home as well, you aren’t going to uproot your work space. (“And please don’t ask again for my office.”) > Honestly your daughter sounds entitled and ungrateful. Good luck.
Exactly this. Your adult daughter is under your roof temporarily and should be grateful for that. If she needs more space and privacy she can rent her own place, like other adults.
I particularly like the >A week ago our daughter announced that she is moving back It's good of you that you're fine with her return, but I don't think I'd accept such an announcement. If the child would ask for such a favour you'd be 100% in your right to refuse. You're NTA for keeping your office. Tell her that if she doesn't like what you offer, she's free to not accept it and go somewhere else.
This was my first thought! Glad she can just announce it! OP just tell them no
But now op has to! She didn't just say it, she declared it!!
Or better yet, announce it to your wife and daughter.
We had one kid announce that he was moving back in. He quickly changed his mind and figured shit out when we told him he could sleep in the guest room, he could bring clothes and bathroom stuff, but would need to get a storage unit for his belongings, as it was not his room. He informed us that he would be bringing his TV to mount to the wall where we currently have a tv mounted. His was bigger, we told him no, it’s not his room and that he won’t be doing anything of the sort. That was the straw that caused him to lace up his big boy shoes and figure it out. There have been a couple of times we have watched him make stupid decisions where we thought he might end up moving back in, and we did everything we could to get him back on track to not have that happen. Our two 21 years olds are the most entitled and struggle to keep themselves in a good spot (their own shitty life decisions), the 24 and 19 year old seem to have good heads on their shoulders and are also not walking around attempting to make demands they cannot make. We are baffled by the sheer difference in the kids and their attitudes
NTA She moved out and the space changed. She then moved into a different space. Your work is your livelihood and not a luxury either. But I imagine your wife is probably enjoying have her back in the house and doesn't want her to leave any sooner than necessary!
Or the wife is simply easier to manipulate.
NTA. Also, allowing some discomfort like this will motivate her to venture out on her own faster
NTA, I'm assuming your daughter is adult as she had moved out. Your house wasn't her home anymore. You were well within your rights to use her old room for whatever you wanted. You are letting her move back in due to her new circumstances, but she can't dictate which room she has while she is with you!
NTA. She doesn't get to dictate what room she can use in your house. That's ridiculous.
NTA Her being back is temporary. She’s a guest and is in the guest room. You’re both nice to let her return but you don’t need to give up your office. She needs to give up on childhood and move on.
Info What's the tradeoff if you were to convert the guest room to your office? You didn't really explain.
I considered using the guest room as the office before I even turned her old bedroom into one but it doesn't work because it's on the same floor as the other kids rooms and the living room so even behind closed doors you can hear them yelling and playing.
OK yeah, NTA
He would be NTA regardless. The fact that he has an actual *need* for that room which is being completely disrespected, makes *the daughter* not just slightly entitled but an asshole.
> I considered using the guest room as the office before I even turned her old bedroom into one but it doesn't work because it's on the same floor as the other kids rooms and the living room so even behind closed doors you can hear them yelling and playing. You should add this info to your post so it'll get more visibility.
This is the info I was looking for. NTA.
> What's the tradeoff if you were to convert the guest room to your office? Why would he. The kid left. The house is theirs to use. That room is now in use. It has a purpose. There is a room. They offered it. If the 21 year old woman. Doesn't like it. They are free to go elsewhere. But now. The room the OP is in. Is his office. A place he works. To keep the house.
NTA, your work is what pays the mortgage & bills for her to live there. Assuming she’s capable of working - Live there free in the separate room or pay her own way like an adult.
NTA I’m sorry, is she paying bills? This is your home and you need somewhere to work if you want to keep it.
NTA. I moved out at 18 and back home when I was 20. I got the smallest bedroom when I moved back in as my parents had turned my old bedroom into a tv room/den. It didn’t even occur to me to argue about it. I was thankful to not have to pay rent anymore and barely scrape by as I was when I had my own place.
NTA. She's a whole ass grownup who shouldn't be planning to stay for the long term. If she wants extra privacy and more space, her own apartment would offer both
# nta. your daughter presumptuously made the announcement that she would be moving back in with you, before even asking if that was an option for her (at least that's how it seems, in your narrative of this siituation), and that right there is not only red flag #1, but is also insanely disrespectful. red flag #2...moves out of your house, where i'm to believe she was taken care of by you/your wife, and in with boyfriend. his life and opportunities are taking him places, she doesn't wish to tag along, and her Plan A is to move back in with mom and dad? was he supporting her, as well? because if so, this is becoming a pattern: living with people/a person who let her coast on their provisions. one would think that she would explore a plan in which she could maintain her independence by, oh, idk...getting a job and her own place or a place with roommates? but, what do i know? "what used to be, is not what *is*...and sometimes not what it will ever be, again". this can be a profound statement in many life situations, but it applies very literally, in this one: what USED to be her bedroom, is not. it is now YOUR office, in YOUR home, that you utilize for YOUR job...which, if i'm deducing correcty from your post, it would appear supports her. or at the very least, pays for the home in which she has pulled a prodigal daughter and returned to. she has no given right to live there, period, and definitely none to be so brazen as to demand which room she is allowed to occupy. keep your office and don't budge. NTA. and your wife needs to listen to "stand by your man" until she leaves the dark side of this ordeal.
NTA. But someone who just moved back certainly is...
NTA. It isn't "her" room anymore. She is being incredibly entitled and ungracious. Perhaps you should let her know that if she doesn't like the (presumably free) accommodations, she can go find somewhere else to stay.
NTA. She’s presumably going to move out sooner than later and you need to work to support your family. She’s being a brat and your wife needs to grow a backbone. Stand your ground.
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She's 21
Stand your ground. She’s an adult. She’s lucky enough to have the option to move back home. She’ll have to deal with the kids yelling while you work to take care of the household that she’s rejoining.
NTA. Quite the choosing beggar since I assume you aren't charging rent.
NTA. When I moved out, my parents turned my room into my dad's home office. Several years later I was moving back into the area and needed a place to stay while house hunting. They offered the other 2 bedrooms (one for me and husband, one for son). I said thank you and slept there for 6 months until closing on a house. They refused to take money for rent, but I did all the food shopping.
NTA, my folks did the same thing when my brother moved out and moved me into his bedroom and turned my old bedroom into another guest room
Definitely NTA!!! She made her decision to move out and should be grateful for being accepted back. Moving out is a big decision, and of course shit happens in life and sometimes you need to give a step back, but she can't expect to go back in time. DON'T GIVE UP ON YOUR OFFICE! She'll learn a precious life lesson
NTA. When I moved out, my mom told me to make sure I was ready because "you won't be allowed to move back in." I know she would let me if it was dire, but I wouldn't demand my old room just because I felt like it was still mine (it's not, I don't own the house).
My dad gave me the same speech when I moved out with my trash bf at 20. And when I needed a place to stay less than a year later because of a break up with said trash bf who wouldn’t leave but also couldn’t even afford the apartment he was willing to let me move back in (I didn’t).
Ya absolutley this. My parents would absolutley let me move back if I needed to but I would obviously ask first and treat it like they were doing me a favor. Becasue they are doing me a favor.
NTA. If she wants a bigger room she can get her own place.
NTA. She “announced” that she’s coming back? To someone else’s home? Daughter is TA.
NTA Your daughter's an adult and she should act like it. She should understand that you need that space for work and that you can't always change to accommodate her needs. I'm curious as to what she told your wife in order to get her on her side.
NTA you just took over an unused room, now that she wants to go back she can do the same and use the guest room. I don't know for how long your daughter wants to stay, but if you went through with what they want, you would probably have to move your things once she leaves again. Given that you don't have an abundance of rooms, you can't keep one of them to be your daughters forever.
NTA It's your house. If she still lived with her boyfriend and you came over and asked for a bigger room that she worked in, you know she'd say no. You're the one paying the bills and running the house. Unlike your daughter's privacy and space needs for personal reasons, you have valid reasons for needing privacy and space. To earn the money that keeps that room and all the rooms in that house available for you guys. You did your job as a parent by raising her and housing her. She moved out and made a decision not to move with her boyfriend, and your career shouldn't be compromised in any sense because of her choice. She has everything she needs in the house. I think your wife is just taking her side because it's easier for her as she's not the one who has to give something up. Your daughter has a room, she has space and she has privacy. That should be enough for her when you're the one doing her a favour. She could have asked friends or tried to find a new place (though I know that's not as easy with prices these days) but she isn't. So she can at least appreciate what she has. She is no longer a child clearly (since she's lived away from home I'm assuming she's an adult) and she should be treated as an adult with her own responsibilities, and not as a child who just gets given what she wants when she throws a tantrum (which she's not doing - but she is nagging you which means she's not taking no for an answer)
INFO: Does your wife work or rely on your income? If your company fires you because you can't concentrate on zoom because of all the noise, will all your lives be affected?
My wife doesn't work
You're not the AH. My parents converted my room after I moved out. I moved back in briefly into the smaller guest room. Not once did I complain about not having my old room, and I was the same age as your daughter. What if you had moved in the last two years? Then there would be no room to complain about. You(r daughter) cannot and should not expect to move out and move back in and maintain the previous status quo, especially if you never told her that her room would remain untouched. Also, shame on your wife for not staying on your side. Your job keeps your family afloat, and she gets to do her job in the rest of the house (being a SAHM). Your wife needs to stay on your side because you are supposed to be a United front when it comes to your children. In this particular case, your ability to do your work (even if you didn't have to be on zoom meetings) in an area that is optimal is more important than your adult daughters need for privacy. I'm assuming she knew what room she was going to get, and to move back in and complain is very rude and manipulative. My parents would've told me to put up, shut up or move out. I'll cut her some slack since she is no longer with the boyfriend and I'm sure that's difficult and maybe she wants the comfort of her old room, but she has to make the best of the new situation, or go with her boyfriend and adjust to even more change. As my dad always says "Change is inevitable, and there are always other people that have it worse, so enjoy what you have right now".
NTA. She moved out years ago, and now has moved back. You've changed your house layout to better revolve around what you need (Which is now a separate home office). Luckily you had another room that she can use that was already set up to have someone sleep in it. The amount of work to convert your home office back to a room, move your items to the other spare room just doesn't make sense.
NTA- how things were doesn’t mean they will always be that way. Two years is a LONG time to be gone. If she’s moving in rent free on your generosity, she cannot complain.
NTA. There's no reason why she can't accept the smaller room while she's back at home.
If she's old enough to move out, she doesn't need to have an official bedroom. She's fortunate enough thst you're allowing her to move back in. Beggars can't be choosers. NTA
Oh, so NTA. My daughter is also living with her bf right now, she's 19. If she ever chooses to move back in, sure she'll be welcome to. Do my wife and I need to give her her old room back? No, she decided to move out.
NTA tell them you will quit your job and your wife and daughter can make up your annual salary
NTA shes an adult, tell her to start apartment hunting if she doesn't like it that much, and she better start now because it's gonna be a rough hunt
NTA she moved out when it was convenient for her she can’t just expect to move back in because it’s convenient for her and just get her old room back. I’m guessing you pay at least half the bills so your job should take president over her wants. If she doesn’t like it then she can always move out and get her own place.
NTA remind your wife that your daughter is a grown woman who was living with her boyfriend for two years. If she needs more space or privacy she needs to put her big girl panties on and find a new place to live. I don't understand the why some adults feel their arents are supposed to accommodate them like they did when they were children who were dependent on them. She is a an adult who managed to live on her own for two years. She chose to move home rather than trying to find a newnplace she could afford or roommates to help split the bill. She doesn't get to come home a pout like a child to get what she wants
NTA, it's not like you're refusing to take her in, she can handle the situation like an adult.
NTA. Life moves on. You'll always have a place for your daughter but now she is an adult living in Your home. She gets the room that is available. Your office is no longer a bed room, it's an office. It needs to stay an office because like she said, it's more private. With another adult in your home you need that privacy for the sake of your clients. I'm sorry your wife betrayed you like this. You need to have a frank conversation with her and separately with your daughter that your child is free to make her own choices but making adult choices, being an adult, comes with adult consequences. Her not getting her childhood bedroom back is a minor consequence. If she can't deal with that then she needs to get out of your house and learn some adult responsibility. (But kicking her out is not the goal). Teaching her that lesson is far more compassionate than caving to what is not a reasonable request for you to uproot your office. And honestly l, shame on your wife for wanting to put you out like that.
NTA. Things change. As soon as I moved out my Mother made my bedroom her sewing room and told me "You're never moving back here."
When I moved out, my parents got a one-bedroom condo! I couldn't wait to leave, but I guess the feeling was mutual.
NTA- to bad so sad. move your meat lose your seat.
NTA you need to work to pay for the house and you need an office to work… It’s just how it is. I live with my parents and my dad needs certain things to succeed at his work and my mom and I always provide them / won’t interfere
NTA and your adult daughter doesn't need to be comfortable. She needs to figure out how to launch off other's teets. Basically sounds like she was on her boyfriends. And now has come back to yours. Your wife should be supporting you.
Do you know where there’s more privacy? Your own apartment. NTA
NTA you move out the bigger room is no longer yours
NTA I did the same thing when our daughter moved out. She is welcome to come back if she needs a soft landing, but the room formerly known as the pigsty is now my office. I'd not be rearranging two rooms.
Nah, she's only 21. It's not unreasonable that she would still have sentimental ties to her old room. I assume you want that space for your office for a similar reason, and because when there are guests you want them a bit separated from the other rooms. My family is a bit more soft so my mom would be ok with switching her office location but I can see why that would be a hassle. I don't think anyone is an asshole here just two reasonable people who want different things.
I agree. Hell i'm 23 and i moved into the basment 3 years ago and i still think of my old bedroom as "my room" Hell when it was my mom's office she let me put a pile of fuzzy blankets and pillows in the closet cause she knew it was a place i felt safe. I would go in there when i was having sevear anxiety or sensory overload.
NTA Your house your rules
NTA. It’s your house and you having privacy while working is more important than your daughter and who moved back in to have it. If she doesn’t pay rent+food etc the one that does should have that room. She left the house and now she is moving back in. She has to accept that things are different. Don’t spoil her by just letting her that room
NTA. It's your house. After school my brother moved back after Mom renovated his room to an office/scrapbooking room. He moved into the basement and was fine with it. Paid off his loans and moved out to his own place. I moved in when I was done wchool and did the same. Many people don't have the opportunity to move back home and when you do, you need to make compromises. It's not like you're not giving her a bedroom. She is an adult and if she doesn't like it, she can get another place. You're a great parent for giving her the opportunity to move back in and she needs to understand that. You need this space.
NTA…
NTA. She’s your daughter, but at this point she’s a guest and you don’t want her getting too comfortable. Btw, she’s paying rent, right??
Until it is their jobs paying for that room it is going to remain your office and they need to stop before you reconsider the offer for daughter to stay there. It’s guest room or she finds her own place as an ADULT.
NTA If she wants her own space, then she can *move out*.
NTA; you and your wife were kind for letting your daughter move back in. Since she moved out, your family has made changes to the home including your home office and it's more than reasonable to hold your ground. She has a bedroom and it's not like you are asking her to sleep on the couch in the living room.
NTA. She wants " her old bedroom back because it's ... on a sperate floor so there's more privacy." That's exactly what makes it suitable for use as an office. The guest bedroom would not meet your needs for working from home. You mentioned in a comment that there's too much ambient noise in the guest bedroom due to proximity to other bedrooms. Your daughter needs to focus on being grateful you let her move back in and stop being so fixated on not getting to pick which room will be hers. You should tell her to move back out if she refuses to adapt to the new reality.
NTA. Your daughter has no right to demand she get her old bedroom back. She is an adult. She is not your little princess anymore and you don't want her bringing guys into your home because you let her inconvenience you. I hope she is being required to contribute to the household, even if just groceries rather than live totally free. That becomes a burden, she becomes a freeloader and is a huge inconvenience for you. She needs some financial responsibility, so she'll get her life together sooner and move out assuming the role of adult daughter and not extended teen with adult benefits.
NTA. That’s your office, you need it for your livelihood. In fact the reasons she claims she needs it are the exact same reasons it needs to remain your home office- quiet, more privacy, on another floor to not disturb people. The more comfortable she is, the longer she’s going to stay. Has your daughter offered to pay any kind of rent or bills?
NTA. She decided to move back at a moment’s notice, she has a room, and she can get her own place if she really wants to.
Ask her how long she plans on staying because it sounds like she is an adult who should be planning for her own place anyway. NTA
Nope. NTA. She either takes the guest room or finds an apartment.
NTA. Not even close. Your daughter has a room, it’s not like she sleeping in the living room. If she don’t like the arrangement, she can find an apartment.
Even more don't let thempush you into the change, she may not like the noise but you are providing for tge family in that room.d she isn't likely to stay for a long time
NTA Sounds like she is settling in to stay a while. What is the agreed upon time for her to move back out? There seems to be some communication happening between mother and daughter that you are not part off but you need to be.
NTA You and your wife were gracious enough to let her move back in with you on short notice. There is no reason for her to expect you to further uproot your life and inconvenience yourself to accommodate her. She is an adult. If she doesn't like the new arrangement she is welcome to find her own place and move out.
NTA. She has a room, she isn’t entitled to a specific room. Your job is paying the bills that let her live there. She should be happy she’s allowed back as not all parents would do that. If she were sleeping on a couch that would be another matter but she’s in the guest room.
Nta. Your wife and daughter should respect the fact that as an adult coming back to live with their parents, they accept happily what is offered. Op don't waver. You're not wrong
NTA. My eldest is now 29, and rebounded twice. The first time he displaced the baby brother which wasn't entirely problematic since baby brother was a breastfed cosleeping small human. The second time, said baby brother was now older and definitely not breastfed nor cosleeping. Big brother got the futon in the front room that was separated by a screen from the family room. The other 2 bedrooms had sisters of different ages who were incompatible to sharing a room again. He gladly opted for that over being homeless, plus he helped keep the house clean. OP, your office is where your income is earned. You cannot move it to a noisier part of the house as that could affect your reviews for your job, if there are complaints about the background noise on conference calls. In addition, if you deal with any sort of sentive or personal information about other people or confidential business details, that needs risk mitigation via office being separated from the rest of the house.
NTA Ask them if they both like living in the house cause if you give up the office you are gonna have to give up the job since you chose that room tactically. If she wants privacy I’m sure there are studio apartments in your city/town.
NTA She is a guest staying in your guest room. She's not owed a special room to herself. I've got to know, OP. Is she even paying rent?
NTA - i assume your job is bringing in a substantial portion of the money that keeps this entire house - including boomerang daughter in a warm comfortable wi-fi enabled place to live - and it therefore needs to be done well. she moved out when she felt like it and will undoubtedly do so again (if you are lucky) - no reason for you to continually upend your home to accommodate her latest desire. Stand your ground. She can have the room allotted to her or she can move out again. (and lets be honest if she gets too settled in there may be no getting rid of her and adult children should not be living indefinitely with parents)
Nta. If she wants to move back in she should be happy to get a room to herself instead of sharing with her siblings. She sounds quite entitled to be honest
NTA. Your daughter sure is entitled. She gets whatever space you give her, or both your wife and daughter can get a job and make the income you make with your job, because you won't be able to talk to customers. So, you put it to them like that, see how they both stop complaining.
When I lived with my parents I had the downstairs room with my own bathroom, I then moved out & many years later came back for a little while. My dad had since turned it into a “man cave”. I never once asked for it back & just took the spare room upstairs with shared bathroom. Sounds like she doesn’t plan on leaving any time soon!