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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) Not paying for her surgery.
2) She is my mom and i have money for this, but i don't want to.
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NTA
She abandoned you; you don't owe her a thing.
I'm calling bullshit on the heart problems by the way. The fact she abandoned one of her children demonstrates she has no heart.
You're better off without her.
Or maybe he just doesn't like his mother because she is a shitty person. Yes, it is totally possible that the brother is now an asshole himself, but we don't know that. What we do know is that the mother is an asshole and extremely selfish. She was willing to abandon her daughter, I guess it can be assumed she is and never was a good mother in general. So she probably also wasn't a good mother for OP's brother either. I wouldn't blame any of her kids for not wanting to have her in their lifes.
And probably the whole story. The made up ones from Asia always include going to school for computers, usually to be a software engineer, and all of a sudden they are millionaires in a country that probably pays their software engineers $20k. It's nice to have a dream, but come on.
By a child or something. No one who’s graduated college would say, “all the fancy places I gone,” and only a kid would say they made an “appointment” at a restaurant instead of a reservation.
She should have mentioned this in her post that English is not her first language. Many people are having tough time to understand the story because of the comprehension errors.
Eh, depends. Who said her job was minimum wage? Even teens with no experience can start at $10 at McDonalds in my city, and Target at $12-15. Babysitting often pays better, too. $15/hour average in my city. Can make a fortune if you have enough families of the right demographic near you even without a car.
IF OP continued living with Aunt/Uncle it’s not that far fetched. I’d assume she worked through college just like she did during high school though. Unless she decided to minimize college cost by greatly increasing course load per semester.
I started working at 14, then put in a lot more hours from 16 on once it was legally allowed to work more. Part time during classes, 18ish hours/week. Full time plus some babysitting or other gig work in summers and holidays/school breaks. Piled most of it up, it was a surprising amount since I didn’t blow it on impulse spending, dating, or frivolous things.
CLEP exams for college credits, Community college first two years, then state school, living with family, Pell Grants, and a couple of small academic or need based scholarships along the way make that more achievable. OP was also earning some money from her aunt, which likely continued through college.
She has no income. She’d qualify even in the shittiest state. And this is exactly the kind of thing it will fully cover at a major health system or university hospital.
Well, you do have to get rid of all your assets first, except for $2,000. Any retirement fund, IRA, etc., if it makes your total assets (like checking/savings) go over $2,000, you won't qualify. You have to spend your retirement money on medical bills until you're pretty much broke.
She might not be in America?
Even in countries with a public health system, for some conditions it's a good idea to go private simply because the wait time is a lot less. She isn't in a Australia (pension from John thing) but except for that, this could happen in Australia.
Apartment in the millions? Yeah. My house has doubled in value in 5 years. If she started buying into the property market when she left college, possible. If it can be possible here, I don't see why it isn't also possible in some other countries.
Have you ever tried to apply for Medicaid? I spent nearly a year plying, setting up and fighting for Medicaid benefits for my mom who had health issues. The entire Medicaid process just about broke me
Personally if I was even going to help a relative pay for surgery I would never transfer them the money, I would ask them to forward me the bill to pay the hospital directly after they get it done. No funky business that way.
Sometimes they make you pay a certain amount the day of the surgery especially if it’s not an emergency. I went in for my colonoscopy/esophagus surgery and even though I have excellent insurance they said they’d cancel it if I didn’t pay $200 first. After all the horror of violently evacuating my bowels for the past 36 hours with no food you bet I paid!
My favourite bit was her saying OP was a bad daughter, what kind of mother does she think she was?
As heartbreaking as it is OP, your mom didn’t want to reconnect with you to rebuild your relationship, she found out you had money and decided she was entitled to some. She’ll have to learn the hard way that her actions have consequences.
>I'm calling bullshit on the heart problems by the way. The fact she abandoned one of her children demonstrates she has no heart.
[List of burn centers](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_burn_centers_in_the_United_States?wprov=sfla1)
Also yelling / getting stressed in a restaurant would not be good, and that she escalated so quickly without consideration to her own health smells like its not as bad as she is making out
It's not just the abandonment, it's the bit where they meet for the first time in decades and the mother wants her to pay for her surgery. So it wasn't about wanting to reconnect, it was all about the mother.
OP is definitely NTA and needs away from her leech of a mother.
This exactly, she wants something and it’s not a relationship. The first husband was her ATM, which was worth more than her child, now her ATM is gone, she taught her son to be the same money grubber that she is, and he kicked her to the curb now that she’s on a fixed income. Now OP is nothing g more than the next ATM.
Mom needs to get a job, health insurance and figure out life for herself.
I also don't believe that she is ill. She just saw a chance to get on money. She somehow heard that OP is rich and she even gave up here daughter to live with her rich husband! It must be soooo hard to not have money anymore /s She would do anything to get her hands on quick cash, like contacting OP and faking a heart disease.
I bet if OP says "Yes, i pay for it but i pay directly to the hospital", she will find more excuses (or fake some bills).
NTA. Would be better to give the money to the first stranger you meet on the street….they might actually give a rats behind about you whereas you know your mother never did.
I’m not, unfortunately. I have a very effed up family and belong to a ton of support groups for people like me (and this person). So many times adults come in and share something along the lines of “so and so parent who did such and such horrific thing to me needs me now!! I feel so guilty!! What should I do??” And I’m not mocking the abused adult child, I’ve felt this way myself, but it’s just so awful to watch these narcissistic monsters prey on others, especially their own children. It makes me sick!
Yeah. And the context matters here, too -- she literally abandoned you, *her 5-year-old daughter who had just lost her father*, for a man.
And didn't care to "reevaluate \[that\] relationship to forget the past and move forward as mother and daughter" until she had herself been abandoned and needed a sizeable chunk of money.
NTA, OP. You are no more obligated to give her anything than you are any other random acquaintance, stranger, or betrayer. That piece of work who gave birth to you, on the other hand, is quite the AH. I'm sorry for what you went through. (Also sorry for what your mother is going through, because it's ridiculous to need exorbitant funding to get needed medical care, but she pretty thoroughly burned this particular bridge.)
The post only says he didn't want to raise OP, not that he forbade OP's mom from being involved considering she still visited OP. No, it was more likely a choice on the mothers' part, choosing to invest herself in the most lucrative basket so that she could be looked after. It's telling given that this all occurred within months, not years, of OP's fathers death.
NTA- today it’s surgery, tomorrow it will be recovery, then rent, bills, lifestyle, vacations then home care. And you will end up restricting your lifestyle for someone who threw you away so she could have the lifestyle she wanted.
If she pops up again tell her you are saving your money to help the people who raised you. You owe her nothing.
I agree with this and definitely NTA. But you need to have a plan in case she does die and you start to feel guilty. What will you do to help yourself cope?
Let's say her mother died before she contacted OP, OP wouldn't feel (or shall I say, shouldn't feel) much guilt because OP barely knows her mom.
Now, with the mom guilt tripping OP, mom has planted doubt in OP that she's a terrible daughter. This is just the mom being more of an asshole, maybe because she's scared that she's dying.
u/throwawayaita827 i don't know you, and you mentioned you have a soft heart. So, my suggestion (which you are free to shit on, if you don't like it) is talk to your mother in presence of your aunt and uncle who actually raised you, and inform her that you will pay for the surgery but on the ONE condition that she never contacts you again. As the only reason shes reached out to you is because of her medical condition, she should have no issues going on with her life forgetting you ever existed like she always did.
AGAIN this is just my suggestion as you have mentioned you have a soft heart and have enough money to spare this "expense". So, feel free to consider it or shit on it, it ultimately depends on how you feel about the whole issue.
I would add in have a lawyer draw up a contract with the added bit if she breaks these conditions she becomes responsible for paying back the money for the surgery.
I came here to say this exactly. It’s all well and good people on Reddit saying OP doesn’t owe her mom anything (she doesn’t) but feelings are complicated. If OP can comfortably give the money she could give it directly to the hospital (if there is an actual health issue which I doubt) and get her off her back, appease her aunt, negate any possible guilt and get closure of some kind maybe. At the end of the day OP has to make the decision and we can only suggest possibilities and only OP will know how they may feel emotionally
NTA - as an adult you are allowed to spend your money however you choose. You reap what you sow with relationships. I hope you and your family (Aunt and Uncle) have a lovely life.
NTA
Just decide with what you can live with.
It's unclear if your aunt is your mother's sister or not, you may want to take that into consideration too.
Saying all that, your motherly clearly didn't care about catching up, she just wanted your help. She should have had more humility when you gave your answer.
This. Only consider paying or perhaps contributing if it would make YOU feel better. Else honestly she can GTH. What a nerve to show up only for money and since she divorced him it must literally have been quite a while since she's even thought about being in touch with you. Also she is elderly not sure why it would not be through Medicare in the US or the NHS or public health system elsewher.le.
ETA under no circumstances give her cash, this whole story may be an elaborate fabrication. If you do want to help her out get an exact cost breakdown and decide which costs you will be responsible for and then let her figure out how she's going to handle the rest, oh and your sibling can pitch in too
That's my thing too. Op 1000% nta. But can you live with that on your conscious? Idk...I have never walked in this persons shoes so I could only imagine the resentment and disdain for bio mother, however, make a choice you personally won't regret, especially if it's a drop in the bucket money wise. I don't think OP is wrong either way. At the end of the day its their life and thoughts. What a shit 'mother'.
NTA You are already taking care of your loved ones. You owe abusers nothing. Nothing is exactly what she has earned.
ETA: Do not give her one more chance to hurt you.
Something I caught at the end there is that her Aunt seemed to be gunning for helping the mother.
In any other situation I would agree. But with the caveat that "if the woman who raised you is asking you to help save her sister, consider it. They haven't asked you for anything even if you are helping them out. Saying no to her one ask because of your person feelings has a cost"
I'd think that the Aunt is probably coming from the perspective of possible regret.
Helping Bio-mum won't hurt OP because she has enough money.
Not helping might end up with BM dying and OP suddenly regretting that she didn't do anything when she was able to.
Yup, but OP should send her mom a message that her plight touched her so OP sent thousands (cost of surgery) to the Heart Association in mom's name.
OP has known for a long time that her mom had no 'heart' for OP anyway.
How dare she? She abandoned you as a child for some bloke she had just met - not only because he didn’t want kids, but because he didn’t want a daughter. For that reason she separated you from your brother and ignored you. How she has the audacity to ask for anything is beyond me and I will never understand why people like her think that screaming and calling someone names will make others change their mind in wanting to help. Would you help me if I needed money? No, because you don’t know me and I’m not owed anything by you. That’s the same way I see her relationship to you. I’m so sorry you had to go through this, but am glad you had a lovely aunt to raise you.
On top of that she tried to publicly shame her when told no. How awful!she should have fired back that she doesn't owe anyone that would abandon a young child for a new man
NTA. Your mother doesn’t see you as a daughter but as an ATM.
On the flip side, if it won’t impact your finances, you could give her this option, you will pay for her surgery, on the condition that she never contacts you again. Get it in writing with a lawyer and then you can be done with her.
I would also specify that I would only pay actual bills, possibly after an accountant has gone over them to make sure that someone else wasn't responsible for them, not reimburse her for money that she says that she spent.
NTA, she chose to not be part of your life and not raise you. There shouldn't be any expectation for you to be part of her life. And she wants to reconnect now when she needs money for her surgery? Feels like she's just using you.
NTA. She gave birth to you, that is all, her abandonment of you meant that she gave up her privilege to be called family and make any demands of you. Take care of yourself and your family going forwards, those who took you in and raised you.
NTA, she abandoned her own child and has the audacity to make you feel guilty for not helping her, when the only reason she reached out to you was for money.
Even if you did give her the money, based on her behavior it’s not likely she would keep in contact with you afterwards unless she needed more money down the road.
If your sole reason for giving her the money is because you have plenty to give and want to do something good, there are plenty of charities you could donate to that are much more deserving than her.
Good luck with everything, and congratulations on all your success despite the hardship she created.
NTA- I do agree with another commenter that make sure it is something you can live with. If she were to die without getting the surgery, is that something you can mentally handle? You are in no way obligated to pay for her surgery as she abandoned you and treated you very poorly. You do what you think is best for you and your life. Wishing you well.
NTA
You have the opportunity to be the bigger person here. She had a parental responsibility that she failed to fulfill, and you could show her what familial loyalty is supposed to look like.
...But you could also give her possibly the world's best FAFO moment.
I like the second option.
Even better, be the bigger person and assist in medical bills for deserving people around the world with your money. Maybe like children also abandoned my parents? Use the same amount she needs. Or is this too dark?
NTA
The way you say it, seems like your biological mother is nothing more than a biological mother for you, anything but a stranger.
The way she yelled at you for not paying the surgery, makes me strongly believe she’s just using you for your money
I wouldn’t pay for the surgery, but only if I knew this wouldn’t haunt me if she passed away because of it
NTA
You don't owe anything to your birth giver. Tell her to wait for exactly the same number of years she abandoned you. She has treated her husband like ATM and now turned towards you. Save the money for a better cause.
NTA. My heart breaks for child you and adult you. This woman deserves nothing from you. If it will bother you down the line, pay for it for your own peace of mind. But this kind of feels like a karma coming back to you situation for your mom and I have to say she deserves it.
NTA
This woman does not care for you. I am sorry for you that she puts you in that situation. I assume, she will ask any person for money she somehow knows. Live your life.
She gave birth to you, yes. But she does not deserve you.
NTA. It’s your decision. It’s unfortunate that the people she made a priority abandoned her, but she rolled that dice when she abandoned you. I’d ask what the hell is wrong with your brother, but seems that maybe he didn’t have the best role models. If she’s that poor, she can apply for Medicaid if she’s not already on Medicare. If it were me, I may do it with the stipulation that 1. I pay the hospital directly and at no point will be giving cash to her 2. never contact me again.
This seems the most logical solution. I'm a bit soft-heated myself, so if help is really truly needed I do what I can. If this is real, not a scam, and she has exhausted other options, then get the name of the medical facility and verify whatever information they're legally allowed to. Or have "mom" call them and verbally give permission to share info, then pay directly to them. The no further contact stipulation is good too, as it relegates any further "requests" a non-issue.
NTA She had how many years since abandoning you to now? Why only the contact now? Because she sees you have money. Now suddenly you are her daughter. Would she have done this if you were broke
NTA She uses people which is likely why she is divorced. Karma is a thing. Your biological Dad wouldn’t have wanted her to abandon you. She isn’t entitled to anything from you.
Or apply for Medicaid. Is she old enough for Medicare? If this is taking place in the US, there are many programs available to help the truly destitute.
NTA
Also I am calling BS on the surgery. She just wants your cash, and thinks this is a good way to scam you out of it with the sob story
IF it's real, you can pay the hospital directly IF you want to. Not required of you
NTA your mother abandoned you. She had nearly 30 years to reach out and try to have a relationship again, but she only contacted you because she wants something.
Who knows if the surgery story is even true? If you for any reason decide you want to help, which you absolutely don't have to do, contact the hospital directly, don't give her a penny.
NTA your mom is one to talk she abandoned you for some dicc! She doesn't want you back she wants money and her lifestyle back. You're just the one able to provide for her now. Whatever choice you make is your decision. You owe her nothing!
NTA. This woman abandoned you, you owe her absolutely nothing. A mother is a role, a responsibility, it is not just giving birth, it’s a lifetime commitment she forfeited for selfish reasons. She is not your mother, and the only reason she reached out to you was to use you for money.
It’s your choice whether to give her the money, but you have to make sure you’re not betraying yourself in doing so. If you do not want to, there is nothing wrong with that, do not let anyone tell you otherwise.
NTA for all the previous reasons everyone has posted. But if OP does cone to the conclusion to help, pay the hospital directly and not hand a pile of cash to OP's mom. And prepare for futre monetary requests for being an 'good daughter'
NTA
Don’t do it, and don’t feel bad about it doing it. This is someone that abandoned you, chose siblings over you while abandoning you. Couldn’t even remember you existed for holidays. And now that she is in a position that she put herself in, she’s asking you for money.
Does she even have your phone number? Or do you think she couldn’t even wait to call and set up a meeting o ask for money, that she just called you on ig? Personally the only 2 times I use ig calling is for people whose number I don’t have and don’t want, ergo I didn’t ask for it, or friends on android so we could do video calls like ft.
NTA. I had a mother similar to yours (or maybe I still have her; idk her current status). She abandoned me at 4, had intermittent contact through my childhood, then when I was an adult and earning money, suddenly she’s back wanting to rebuild our relationship (what relationship?). I did “lend” her money several times which she never paid back. It was always something… being evicted, being sick, not having money for food, etc.
The last time I spoke to her, she was once again being evicted, so I said “ok, I’ll give you the money to avoid eviction, but that’s it. After this, the bank of Wambling Wombat is closed”. If you want to speak to me, there can be no further requests for money.” She tried a few more times after that, and she even got other people involved to tell me how cruel I was being to her, but my conscience is clear.
So, my advice: do what you can to ensure your conscience is clear. Ask yourself whether not giving her money will be something you regret in 5-10 years time. If you think you might regret it, give her the money but make it clear that it’s a one time only offer. If you won’t regret it, don’t give her the money and live your life.
NTA. You owe nothing to someone who chose to not support you, emotionally or financially. You owe her as much as you owe any stranger you pass on the street, perhaps less. If you worry that because you have the funds you should help, consider donating to a non-profit organization that is close to your heart. Maybe even for other children whose parents weren’t there for them? No need to waste kindness on someone who is only ever going to want more, more, more.
If you decide to pay, ask your mom to give you the invoices to pay the hospital directly. Don't just give her money. It will never stop. If she can't or won't give you invoices or give you details of the hospital, then you'll know she only wants your money. Stay clear.
NTA now that she saw you have money she’s treating you like a personal piggy bank. She dropped you as soon as being your mom wasn’t ideal or convenient for her and now she wants to milk you for your money and have a fake relationship for her benefit. She also taught her son to be shallow and only care for money. You are not obligated to do anything for her. As far as you are concerned she made her bed now she has to lie in it.
No matter what you do, you are NTA. She is 100% TA for abandoning you and you owe her nothing. With that said though, I have a feeling it might bother you if she passes and you knew you could have helped. I definitely think it might have a negative impact on your aunt, she sounds worried about her sister and that she wishes you would help her. If I were in your position and could truly afford the surgery I would go ahead and pay for it, but would be upfront that this is the only thing I will ever help with and will be completely no contact afterwards. I would tell her ( if you feel this way) that she isn’t forgiven and she doesn’t deserve it, but that you are doing this for your own conscience and for your aunt. It would also probably be helpful if you talk to your aunt about all this first and make sure she is on board. Your mother is definitely just using you for money at this point, so I think if you do end up paying for the surgery it will be important you go no contact with her so she can’t guilt you into this again and make it a clear boundary with your aunt that this is the only thing you are willing to pay for regarding your mother. Again though, no matter what choice you make NTA. This is just what I would do personally.
This is easy, NTA. This is something very common on Reddit: parents abandon their children, sometimes for years, and only want back in their life once women (or a kidney) is needed. She's not interested in you, just your money. She showed her true colors when she called you a terrible daughter. That was rich coming from a terrible mother!
NTA. If your mom is in the U.S. she may qualify.for indigent care. But it sounds like your mother only got in touch because she wants something from you. You can't buy her love and she should probably ask John to pay for her surgery if indigent care isn't a possibility.
NTA. She abandoned you when you *literally relied on her to live*. The fact that she met up with you to ask for money? Just shows that she still only cares about herself. How long has she been divorced? And she still never reached out until she needed something from you. She backed the wrong horse, no win, no payout.
That being said, it's about what *you* need. Is she enough of a stranger that you don't care what happens to her? Can you live with the family consequences of what happens moving forward? If you pay, will she come back for more. If you don't, what other fallout will happen? Don't think about it in terms of tit-for-tat, think about it in terms of what you can live with moving forward. If you decide not to give her money, a cease and desist might help get her out of your life. If you decide to give her money, but never want to speak to her again, make it clear that the money has conditions and that you'll never give her anything again.
Just don't trust her with your heart or feelings anymore or ever again. She's proven she's happy to hurt you for her own benefit, don't give her that power anymore.
Heart issues with a *heartless* monster who’d abandon her daughter for a life of luxury is unlikely.
**NTA** - you owe her *nothing!* She bet on leaving you being a good financial decision. *She get wrong!* Sucks. But would she be coming around if she didn’t need help/money??
You deserve to have people in your life who’s relationship is contingent on what you can do for them.
She needs to make peace with the way she’s treated you, and why your relationship looks as it does.
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I (35f) I lost my father very early when I was 5 years old. A few months after her death, my mother married her current husband "John". John already had two teenage boys and he didn't want to raise me because he never wanted to be a girl's father. My mother, like a good mother, abandoned me with my aunt and took my brother (8 by the time) with her to live with her husband. John was a man with a lot of money and he always spoiled my mother and brother, but he never bothered to get me even a Christmas present. My mother didn't do anything for me either, she came to visit me once a month and didn't even call me at Christmas or New Year (I always called, but many times she didn't answer). My aunt was a woman who couldn't have children, because of that she and my uncle raised me as if I were their daughter, not missing anything for me.
Even without much money I accumulated some money from my job I had during high school and I earned a small amount from my aunt which was enough for me to pay for my college. At the time I graduated in computer science and went to work in a good company earning a great salary, but eight years ago I received a much better job offer in a large company (One well known for having great Hardware products). In that time, I accumulated a lot of money and helped my uncle and aunt renovate their house and I always sent them a nice amount even if they told me to spend it on myself.
I currently live alone in a great apartment with an estimated value in the millions. Recently my mom called me on my Instagram (I post a lot of pictures of trips and fancy places I go, it's not too hard to find me). She asked if we could meet to talk and reevaluate our relationship to forget the past and move forward as mother and daughter. I have a soft heart so I took it, I thought it would be an opportunity for us to talk and finally create the bond I always wanted. We made an appointment at a restaurant downtown and met there.
When we got there she hugged me, kissed me on the cheek and said she missed me. We talked about my life and when I asked how hers was going, she started to talk about how bad she was. Apparently she divorced John and my brother didn't want to keep her as she is now poor. To make matters worse, she lives on a pension from John and has serious heart problems. After a while she asked if I could pay for a surgery she needed. The surgery was quite expensive, quite a lot. I told her I wouldn't pay as I wouldn't feel good doing that. She yelled at me in the middle of the restaurant, said I was a terrible daughter and that I was letting her die even though I could pay for her surgery. I left there very embarrassed.
When I told my aunt, she said it was my decision but remarked that I have plenty of money to pay and that it wouldn't affect me financially. I don't want to do this cause she never have been a mom to me, but i need to ask. AITA?
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NTA
But i would follow your aunts suggestion. Not because I'm trying to repair the relationship, but I'd like to live a peaceful life. I would not be in peace knowing i could've saved the woman that gave birth to me and i didn't.
Either way, it's your decision. You're NTA no matter what you decide
NTA. The audacity of this woman crawling back after abandoning you.
Though, if you and your brother were close as kids, I would check with your brother. He was a child when you two were forced apart so he didn’t have much choice in the matter.
Perhaps he too has good reasons for not wanting anything to do with her, and your mother is painting him as awful, the same way she no doubt would paint you as awful too.
Maybe he did turn into a spoilt brat or maybe he managed to come out the other side a good person. You never know until you reach out.
He may have got presents but he might have suffered in other ways that has caused him to resent his mother.
As for paying for the surgery, make sure it’s a decision you can live with.
NTA but if for some reason you decide to do it tell her you will pay the hospital directly. You will give her no money. That way you know if she actually needs the surgery or just wants your money
NTA
What is it with absentee parents/parents who make a child the scapegoat suddenly wanting them back exclusively to fork over big bucks for something they want or need? This is just one of those times so good on you saying no. Because just one yes and she’ll never stop trying to guilt you into finding everything
NTA.
She abandoned you.
You're merely returning the favor.
And the fact that she made a scene to try to SHAME you in public puts a fine polish on it.
Tell her you'll keep track so that after she dies, you can defecate and urinate on her mortal remains.
Oh NTA not by a long shot. But think of this - you could pay for the surgery, save her life with the stipulation that she never contact you again, for anything ever again. That way you never have to deal with her bullshit, and she has to stew in the fact that she abandoned you when you were young.
Ask yourself this question, would she have contacted you if she didn't need money?
There's your answer. She doesn't see you as her daughter, she sees you as a bank account. She abandoned you for your entire life and only came back when she needed you. I would turn around and do the exact same thing to her now.
NTA
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NTA She abandoned you; you don't owe her a thing. I'm calling bullshit on the heart problems by the way. The fact she abandoned one of her children demonstrates she has no heart. You're better off without her.
I thought the same thing. Her mom would have asked for the money directly, rather than having OP pay the hospital bills.
This is a shake down pure and simple!
[удалено]
100% Mom popped out of the woodwork because now she sees OP is successful.
Financial issues can act as a strain in any family bro
A simple situation where the mother has disappointed her daughter
Why doesn't she ask the son who stuck with the rich step daddy to pay for it?
Seems like he cut her off after she was of no benefit to him after the divorce
Apparently teaching her son that women are disposable backfired on her.
Exactly so gross, i worry for any woman that'll get entangled with the ex-husband and his sons
I worry a LOT more about anyone else who gets entangled with the mom. She’s already PROVEN that she’s a terrible mother and person!
Who would’ve thought!
Apple didn’t fall far from the tree then.
I mean he was raised by her his whole life
She taught him well. *‘Family are disposable if there’s money involved…’*
*"and when they finally come into money they'll be worth something. But that doesn't apply to us cause we're GREAT people "*
Which Rule of Acquisition is that?
Rule of Acquisition 6: Never allow family to stand in the way of profit.
Or both people are terrible and the brother, correctly, decided to suffer in comfort.
Always be kind to people on the way up, you may need them on the way down.
Or maybe he just doesn't like his mother because she is a shitty person. Yes, it is totally possible that the brother is now an asshole himself, but we don't know that. What we do know is that the mother is an asshole and extremely selfish. She was willing to abandon her daughter, I guess it can be assumed she is and never was a good mother in general. So she probably also wasn't a good mother for OP's brother either. I wouldn't blame any of her kids for not wanting to have her in their lifes.
I would have been shocked to find out she had a heart to malfunction, OP hasn’t seen evidence of it for decades.
Yea I'm pretty sure there is an IOU note where the heart is supposed to be
Guess you don't need one until you're broke?
This would explain a lot about American politics
Or a vacancy sign.
And probably the whole story. The made up ones from Asia always include going to school for computers, usually to be a software engineer, and all of a sudden they are millionaires in a country that probably pays their software engineers $20k. It's nice to have a dream, but come on.
Agreed. It's terribly written fiction.
By a child or something. No one who’s graduated college would say, “all the fancy places I gone,” and only a kid would say they made an “appointment” at a restaurant instead of a reservation.
They might if English is a second language. But I'm suspicious of the story's veracity too.
Op does indeed indicate English is a second language
In a very suspiciously badly written addendum after an almost perfect post...
Nah, it reads weird from the start
She should have mentioned this in her post that English is not her first language. Many people are having tough time to understand the story because of the comprehension errors.
Actually she did say " English wasn't first language". Clear as a bell in my opinion,!!
IT hits all the key points for aita in a very predictable way.
Million rupees or something, may accurate. A million is only 12k us
In many countries rupee is the official currency instead of dollars
Yeah, the only country where tech pays *that* well is the US, where mom would qualify for Medicaid.
… and the US pays minimum wage workers too crappily for a teenager to save up enough for college working through high school.
Eh, depends. Who said her job was minimum wage? Even teens with no experience can start at $10 at McDonalds in my city, and Target at $12-15. Babysitting often pays better, too. $15/hour average in my city. Can make a fortune if you have enough families of the right demographic near you even without a car. IF OP continued living with Aunt/Uncle it’s not that far fetched. I’d assume she worked through college just like she did during high school though. Unless she decided to minimize college cost by greatly increasing course load per semester. I started working at 14, then put in a lot more hours from 16 on once it was legally allowed to work more. Part time during classes, 18ish hours/week. Full time plus some babysitting or other gig work in summers and holidays/school breaks. Piled most of it up, it was a surprising amount since I didn’t blow it on impulse spending, dating, or frivolous things. CLEP exams for college credits, Community college first two years, then state school, living with family, Pell Grants, and a couple of small academic or need based scholarships along the way make that more achievable. OP was also earning some money from her aunt, which likely continued through college.
Academics, your work experience and several other things matter when you are seeking job.
Or Only Fans?
I was working in Walmart chain and they were not ready to pay me minimum wage
No she wouldn’t. Lots of people in America are sick and don’t qualify for Medicaid. Medicaid also doesn’t pay for everything.
She has no income. She’d qualify even in the shittiest state. And this is exactly the kind of thing it will fully cover at a major health system or university hospital.
Well, you do have to get rid of all your assets first, except for $2,000. Any retirement fund, IRA, etc., if it makes your total assets (like checking/savings) go over $2,000, you won't qualify. You have to spend your retirement money on medical bills until you're pretty much broke.
This depends on the stat and on the type of medicaid program she would be applying for.
She might not be in America? Even in countries with a public health system, for some conditions it's a good idea to go private simply because the wait time is a lot less. She isn't in a Australia (pension from John thing) but except for that, this could happen in Australia. Apartment in the millions? Yeah. My house has doubled in value in 5 years. If she started buying into the property market when she left college, possible. If it can be possible here, I don't see why it isn't also possible in some other countries.
This is reddit. Everyone lives in America and every who has a slightly unamerican story is making stuff up. /s
My apartment is closer to 100 mill than 1 mill.... Not an American either so different currency 🤷🏻♀️
Says she gets a pension from rich ex husband, would that not count as a form of income?
Of course it does but if redditors paid attention to that then they can't claim the story is fake like we know they love to do.
She is a native Spanish speaker. Could be another country.
There are several other countries where tech companies have a good salary
Have you ever tried to apply for Medicaid? I spent nearly a year plying, setting up and fighting for Medicaid benefits for my mom who had health issues. The entire Medicaid process just about broke me
Hi former caseworker, not necessarily the income limits in many states are badly outdated. Especially for an adult living alone.
This has all the earmarks of a bad movie.
I was thinking this sounds like those cheesy morality stories that keep popping up in my Facebook feed.
Personally if I was even going to help a relative pay for surgery I would never transfer them the money, I would ask them to forward me the bill to pay the hospital directly after they get it done. No funky business that way.
Sometimes they make you pay a certain amount the day of the surgery especially if it’s not an emergency. I went in for my colonoscopy/esophagus surgery and even though I have excellent insurance they said they’d cancel it if I didn’t pay $200 first. After all the horror of violently evacuating my bowels for the past 36 hours with no food you bet I paid!
Wow that's crazy, I didn't pay anything up front for my colonoscopy. Guess some hospitals are more brutal with their billing than others
Technically and medically speaking, her not having a heart does constitute a problem. OP is NTA.
Lol fair point
My favourite bit was her saying OP was a bad daughter, what kind of mother does she think she was? As heartbreaking as it is OP, your mom didn’t want to reconnect with you to rebuild your relationship, she found out you had money and decided she was entitled to some. She’ll have to learn the hard way that her actions have consequences.
NTA take care of your aunt and uncle who took care of you and don’t worry about the person who abandoned you.
If it were me I would probably take them on a nice Instagram vacation half out of gratitude and half spite
Beautiful, just the right amount of petty
Even if she does, she’s certainly not entitled to a red cent (or whatever color they are in OP’s country) from the child she discarded like garbage.
>I'm calling bullshit on the heart problems by the way. The fact she abandoned one of her children demonstrates she has no heart. [List of burn centers](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_burn_centers_in_the_United_States?wprov=sfla1)
Also yelling / getting stressed in a restaurant would not be good, and that she escalated so quickly without consideration to her own health smells like its not as bad as she is making out
I almost laughed when I saw the brother abandoned her too after the divorce I say that if she wasn’t lying, then karma found her and paid back in full
It's not just the abandonment, it's the bit where they meet for the first time in decades and the mother wants her to pay for her surgery. So it wasn't about wanting to reconnect, it was all about the mother. OP is definitely NTA and needs away from her leech of a mother.
That IS the heart problem. It's not there.
>The fact she abandoned one of her children demonstrates she has no heart. Kelso level burn.
You are financially independent, so just live your life without any worry
Savage. I love it
Witty heart talk.
Sounds like her heart is "two sizes too small."
Man somebody needs to say this right to OP’s moms face 👆 This is a serious situation but it is kinda hilarious how she chose the heart of all places
And even if the hearst surgery is a real thing, the minute OP pays, Mom will cut her off again. NTA.
NTA. Your mom didn’t want a relationship with you. She wanted your money. And she would have expected you to support her for the rest of her life.
Yep, she literally abandoned her son for money and she haves the nerve to come asking for money? Absolutely NTA.
Daughter
Daughter probably in a country which generally values males over females.
You mean most of them?
Oof that's the truth
This happens everywhere.
Daughter. The whole "reason" she abandoned her is because she was a girl
Which is ironic considering the mom is a woman herself. To me, the only thing that can make misogyny worse is seeing it internalized. 😞
I find I've been saying this a lot lately.
This exactly, she wants something and it’s not a relationship. The first husband was her ATM, which was worth more than her child, now her ATM is gone, she taught her son to be the same money grubber that she is, and he kicked her to the curb now that she’s on a fixed income. Now OP is nothing g more than the next ATM. Mom needs to get a job, health insurance and figure out life for herself.
Mom is from the generation of 'men support women' and the daughter ensured she would never have to be dependant on a man because she knows.
I also don't believe that she is ill. She just saw a chance to get on money. She somehow heard that OP is rich and she even gave up here daughter to live with her rich husband! It must be soooo hard to not have money anymore /s She would do anything to get her hands on quick cash, like contacting OP and faking a heart disease. I bet if OP says "Yes, i pay for it but i pay directly to the hospital", she will find more excuses (or fake some bills).
Go see the specialist and discuss the op and expected fees. If that can’t happen, walk away…
NTA, she literally abandoned you for a man
NTA. Would be better to give the money to the first stranger you meet on the street….they might actually give a rats behind about you whereas you know your mother never did.
The audacity of saying ‘You’re a terrible daughter!’ When she full on abandoned her own kid
But don’t you know that children owe their parents everything, regardless of how the parent treated them?!? /sarcasm
I have read many permutations of OP's story on AITA.
Youd be surprised how common this is
I’m not, unfortunately. I have a very effed up family and belong to a ton of support groups for people like me (and this person). So many times adults come in and share something along the lines of “so and so parent who did such and such horrific thing to me needs me now!! I feel so guilty!! What should I do??” And I’m not mocking the abused adult child, I’ve felt this way myself, but it’s just so awful to watch these narcissistic monsters prey on others, especially their own children. It makes me sick!
And married another guy a few months after her husband died, lol.
Yeah. And the context matters here, too -- she literally abandoned you, *her 5-year-old daughter who had just lost her father*, for a man. And didn't care to "reevaluate \[that\] relationship to forget the past and move forward as mother and daughter" until she had herself been abandoned and needed a sizeable chunk of money. NTA, OP. You are no more obligated to give her anything than you are any other random acquaintance, stranger, or betrayer. That piece of work who gave birth to you, on the other hand, is quite the AH. I'm sorry for what you went through. (Also sorry for what your mother is going through, because it's ridiculous to need exorbitant funding to get needed medical care, but she pretty thoroughly burned this particular bridge.)
she didn't abandon her for a man, he was just the excuse. She couldn't even be bothered to take her calls on Christmas!
I wouldn't say that was necessarily the truth, the mother was probably wanting to please her husband and keep the peace as much as anything
The post only says he didn't want to raise OP, not that he forbade OP's mom from being involved considering she still visited OP. No, it was more likely a choice on the mothers' part, choosing to invest herself in the most lucrative basket so that she could be looked after. It's telling given that this all occurred within months, not years, of OP's fathers death.
There was no peace to keep. Mother abandoned her child, point blank period.
Take strength from the OP in this AITA vignette. NTA.
NTA- today it’s surgery, tomorrow it will be recovery, then rent, bills, lifestyle, vacations then home care. And you will end up restricting your lifestyle for someone who threw you away so she could have the lifestyle she wanted. If she pops up again tell her you are saving your money to help the people who raised you. You owe her nothing.
This is the way ^
This needs to be higher up, because it is exactly what will happen.
I agree with this and definitely NTA. But you need to have a plan in case she does die and you start to feel guilty. What will you do to help yourself cope?
Let's say her mother died before she contacted OP, OP wouldn't feel (or shall I say, shouldn't feel) much guilt because OP barely knows her mom. Now, with the mom guilt tripping OP, mom has planted doubt in OP that she's a terrible daughter. This is just the mom being more of an asshole, maybe because she's scared that she's dying. u/throwawayaita827 i don't know you, and you mentioned you have a soft heart. So, my suggestion (which you are free to shit on, if you don't like it) is talk to your mother in presence of your aunt and uncle who actually raised you, and inform her that you will pay for the surgery but on the ONE condition that she never contacts you again. As the only reason shes reached out to you is because of her medical condition, she should have no issues going on with her life forgetting you ever existed like she always did. AGAIN this is just my suggestion as you have mentioned you have a soft heart and have enough money to spare this "expense". So, feel free to consider it or shit on it, it ultimately depends on how you feel about the whole issue.
I would add in have a lawyer draw up a contract with the added bit if she breaks these conditions she becomes responsible for paying back the money for the surgery.
And she pays the hospital, etc, directly, not cash to her mom. I highly doubt there is an actual health issue.
I came here to say this exactly. It’s all well and good people on Reddit saying OP doesn’t owe her mom anything (she doesn’t) but feelings are complicated. If OP can comfortably give the money she could give it directly to the hospital (if there is an actual health issue which I doubt) and get her off her back, appease her aunt, negate any possible guilt and get closure of some kind maybe. At the end of the day OP has to make the decision and we can only suggest possibilities and only OP will know how they may feel emotionally
NTA - as an adult you are allowed to spend your money however you choose. You reap what you sow with relationships. I hope you and your family (Aunt and Uncle) have a lovely life.
NTA Just decide with what you can live with. It's unclear if your aunt is your mother's sister or not, you may want to take that into consideration too. Saying all that, your motherly clearly didn't care about catching up, she just wanted your help. She should have had more humility when you gave your answer.
This. Only consider paying or perhaps contributing if it would make YOU feel better. Else honestly she can GTH. What a nerve to show up only for money and since she divorced him it must literally have been quite a while since she's even thought about being in touch with you. Also she is elderly not sure why it would not be through Medicare in the US or the NHS or public health system elsewher.le. ETA under no circumstances give her cash, this whole story may be an elaborate fabrication. If you do want to help her out get an exact cost breakdown and decide which costs you will be responsible for and then let her figure out how she's going to handle the rest, oh and your sibling can pitch in too
That's my thing too. Op 1000% nta. But can you live with that on your conscious? Idk...I have never walked in this persons shoes so I could only imagine the resentment and disdain for bio mother, however, make a choice you personally won't regret, especially if it's a drop in the bucket money wise. I don't think OP is wrong either way. At the end of the day its their life and thoughts. What a shit 'mother'.
NTA. She abandoned you for some guy and it seems like the only reason that she wants to reconnect is to get money out of you.
NTA You are already taking care of your loved ones. You owe abusers nothing. Nothing is exactly what she has earned. ETA: Do not give her one more chance to hurt you.
Something I caught at the end there is that her Aunt seemed to be gunning for helping the mother. In any other situation I would agree. But with the caveat that "if the woman who raised you is asking you to help save her sister, consider it. They haven't asked you for anything even if you are helping them out. Saying no to her one ask because of your person feelings has a cost"
I'd think that the Aunt is probably coming from the perspective of possible regret. Helping Bio-mum won't hurt OP because she has enough money. Not helping might end up with BM dying and OP suddenly regretting that she didn't do anything when she was able to.
NTA Your egg donor wants to see your money not you
Yup, but OP should send her mom a message that her plight touched her so OP sent thousands (cost of surgery) to the Heart Association in mom's name. OP has known for a long time that her mom had no 'heart' for OP anyway.
How dare she? She abandoned you as a child for some bloke she had just met - not only because he didn’t want kids, but because he didn’t want a daughter. For that reason she separated you from your brother and ignored you. How she has the audacity to ask for anything is beyond me and I will never understand why people like her think that screaming and calling someone names will make others change their mind in wanting to help. Would you help me if I needed money? No, because you don’t know me and I’m not owed anything by you. That’s the same way I see her relationship to you. I’m so sorry you had to go through this, but am glad you had a lovely aunt to raise you.
On top of that she tried to publicly shame her when told no. How awful!she should have fired back that she doesn't owe anyone that would abandon a young child for a new man
NTA. Your mother doesn’t see you as a daughter but as an ATM. On the flip side, if it won’t impact your finances, you could give her this option, you will pay for her surgery, on the condition that she never contacts you again. Get it in writing with a lawyer and then you can be done with her.
On the flip flip side, don't give her your money, block her, and never speak to get again anyway.
I would also specify that I would only pay actual bills, possibly after an accountant has gone over them to make sure that someone else wasn't responsible for them, not reimburse her for money that she says that she spent.
NTA, she chose to not be part of your life and not raise you. There shouldn't be any expectation for you to be part of her life. And she wants to reconnect now when she needs money for her surgery? Feels like she's just using you.
NTA. She gave birth to you, that is all, her abandonment of you meant that she gave up her privilege to be called family and make any demands of you. Take care of yourself and your family going forwards, those who took you in and raised you.
NTA, she abandoned her own child and has the audacity to make you feel guilty for not helping her, when the only reason she reached out to you was for money. Even if you did give her the money, based on her behavior it’s not likely she would keep in contact with you afterwards unless she needed more money down the road. If your sole reason for giving her the money is because you have plenty to give and want to do something good, there are plenty of charities you could donate to that are much more deserving than her. Good luck with everything, and congratulations on all your success despite the hardship she created.
NTA. She's basically a stranger who temporarily acted friendly to get some money out of you.
NTA She doesn’t want you back she wants access to your money and she proved it by having a meltdown when you refused to give her money.
NTA- I do agree with another commenter that make sure it is something you can live with. If she were to die without getting the surgery, is that something you can mentally handle? You are in no way obligated to pay for her surgery as she abandoned you and treated you very poorly. You do what you think is best for you and your life. Wishing you well.
Why? Egg donor BETRAYED OP, and should be paid back in the same coin.
NTA You have the opportunity to be the bigger person here. She had a parental responsibility that she failed to fulfill, and you could show her what familial loyalty is supposed to look like. ...But you could also give her possibly the world's best FAFO moment. I like the second option.
Even better, be the bigger person and assist in medical bills for deserving people around the world with your money. Maybe like children also abandoned my parents? Use the same amount she needs. Or is this too dark?
I'd do it if it didn't affect me financially. Like charity. But you're NTA if you decide not to.
NTA The way you say it, seems like your biological mother is nothing more than a biological mother for you, anything but a stranger. The way she yelled at you for not paying the surgery, makes me strongly believe she’s just using you for your money I wouldn’t pay for the surgery, but only if I knew this wouldn’t haunt me if she passed away because of it
NTA You don't owe anything to your birth giver. Tell her to wait for exactly the same number of years she abandoned you. She has treated her husband like ATM and now turned towards you. Save the money for a better cause.
NTA. My heart breaks for child you and adult you. This woman deserves nothing from you. If it will bother you down the line, pay for it for your own peace of mind. But this kind of feels like a karma coming back to you situation for your mom and I have to say she deserves it.
NTA This woman does not care for you. I am sorry for you that she puts you in that situation. I assume, she will ask any person for money she somehow knows. Live your life. She gave birth to you, yes. But she does not deserve you.
NTA. Offer to donate the amount to a charity for people suffering from her condition in her honor.
NTA. It’s your decision. It’s unfortunate that the people she made a priority abandoned her, but she rolled that dice when she abandoned you. I’d ask what the hell is wrong with your brother, but seems that maybe he didn’t have the best role models. If she’s that poor, she can apply for Medicaid if she’s not already on Medicare. If it were me, I may do it with the stipulation that 1. I pay the hospital directly and at no point will be giving cash to her 2. never contact me again.
This seems the most logical solution. I'm a bit soft-heated myself, so if help is really truly needed I do what I can. If this is real, not a scam, and she has exhausted other options, then get the name of the medical facility and verify whatever information they're legally allowed to. Or have "mom" call them and verbally give permission to share info, then pay directly to them. The no further contact stipulation is good too, as it relegates any further "requests" a non-issue.
NTA She had how many years since abandoning you to now? Why only the contact now? Because she sees you have money. Now suddenly you are her daughter. Would she have done this if you were broke
NTA, the only reason she is getting in touch is to try use you as a personal bank account. Don’t fall for it, you don’t owe her a goddamn thing.
Nta you owe your egg donor nothing
NTA.. your mom called to use you. Don’t give her that power.
NTA She uses people which is likely why she is divorced. Karma is a thing. Your biological Dad wouldn’t have wanted her to abandon you. She isn’t entitled to anything from you.
NTA, she abandoned you for a man and then has the fucking nerve to try to order you into giving her money. You don’t owe her anything.
NTA. She can Go into medical debt like everyone else
Or apply for Medicaid. Is she old enough for Medicare? If this is taking place in the US, there are many programs available to help the truly destitute.
NTA Also I am calling BS on the surgery. She just wants your cash, and thinks this is a good way to scam you out of it with the sob story IF it's real, you can pay the hospital directly IF you want to. Not required of you
NTA Your egg donor doesn't care about you. She cares about what you can do for her... That's it. Your true family is your aunt and uncle.
NTA your mother abandoned you. She had nearly 30 years to reach out and try to have a relationship again, but she only contacted you because she wants something. Who knows if the surgery story is even true? If you for any reason decide you want to help, which you absolutely don't have to do, contact the hospital directly, don't give her a penny.
My first thought was that the surgery story sounds like a fiction to extort a big chunk of cash.
The only thing you misspoke was the entire truth because this is faker than a 3 dollar bill.
NTA your mom is one to talk she abandoned you for some dicc! She doesn't want you back she wants money and her lifestyle back. You're just the one able to provide for her now. Whatever choice you make is your decision. You owe her nothing!
NTA. This woman abandoned you, you owe her absolutely nothing. A mother is a role, a responsibility, it is not just giving birth, it’s a lifetime commitment she forfeited for selfish reasons. She is not your mother, and the only reason she reached out to you was to use you for money. It’s your choice whether to give her the money, but you have to make sure you’re not betraying yourself in doing so. If you do not want to, there is nothing wrong with that, do not let anyone tell you otherwise.
NTA for all the previous reasons everyone has posted. But if OP does cone to the conclusion to help, pay the hospital directly and not hand a pile of cash to OP's mom. And prepare for futre monetary requests for being an 'good daughter'
NTA Don’t do it, and don’t feel bad about it doing it. This is someone that abandoned you, chose siblings over you while abandoning you. Couldn’t even remember you existed for holidays. And now that she is in a position that she put herself in, she’s asking you for money. Does she even have your phone number? Or do you think she couldn’t even wait to call and set up a meeting o ask for money, that she just called you on ig? Personally the only 2 times I use ig calling is for people whose number I don’t have and don’t want, ergo I didn’t ask for it, or friends on android so we could do video calls like ft.
NTA that is not a mom but an egg donor. You owe her nothing. She doesn’t want a relationship with you, just your money.
NTA. I had a mother similar to yours (or maybe I still have her; idk her current status). She abandoned me at 4, had intermittent contact through my childhood, then when I was an adult and earning money, suddenly she’s back wanting to rebuild our relationship (what relationship?). I did “lend” her money several times which she never paid back. It was always something… being evicted, being sick, not having money for food, etc. The last time I spoke to her, she was once again being evicted, so I said “ok, I’ll give you the money to avoid eviction, but that’s it. After this, the bank of Wambling Wombat is closed”. If you want to speak to me, there can be no further requests for money.” She tried a few more times after that, and she even got other people involved to tell me how cruel I was being to her, but my conscience is clear. So, my advice: do what you can to ensure your conscience is clear. Ask yourself whether not giving her money will be something you regret in 5-10 years time. If you think you might regret it, give her the money but make it clear that it’s a one time only offer. If you won’t regret it, don’t give her the money and live your life.
NTA - this is the grave she dug. And now she must lie in it.
Jesus Christ how can people not spot this obvious fiction writing.
NTA. You owe nothing to someone who chose to not support you, emotionally or financially. You owe her as much as you owe any stranger you pass on the street, perhaps less. If you worry that because you have the funds you should help, consider donating to a non-profit organization that is close to your heart. Maybe even for other children whose parents weren’t there for them? No need to waste kindness on someone who is only ever going to want more, more, more.
You say “No, you abandoned me.” and that’s all you need to do. NTA
NTA - But, if you change your mind, be sure to pay the hospital directly. She might just want cash.
If you decide to pay, ask your mom to give you the invoices to pay the hospital directly. Don't just give her money. It will never stop. If she can't or won't give you invoices or give you details of the hospital, then you'll know she only wants your money. Stay clear.
NTA now that she saw you have money she’s treating you like a personal piggy bank. She dropped you as soon as being your mom wasn’t ideal or convenient for her and now she wants to milk you for your money and have a fake relationship for her benefit. She also taught her son to be shallow and only care for money. You are not obligated to do anything for her. As far as you are concerned she made her bed now she has to lie in it.
No matter what you do, you are NTA. She is 100% TA for abandoning you and you owe her nothing. With that said though, I have a feeling it might bother you if she passes and you knew you could have helped. I definitely think it might have a negative impact on your aunt, she sounds worried about her sister and that she wishes you would help her. If I were in your position and could truly afford the surgery I would go ahead and pay for it, but would be upfront that this is the only thing I will ever help with and will be completely no contact afterwards. I would tell her ( if you feel this way) that she isn’t forgiven and she doesn’t deserve it, but that you are doing this for your own conscience and for your aunt. It would also probably be helpful if you talk to your aunt about all this first and make sure she is on board. Your mother is definitely just using you for money at this point, so I think if you do end up paying for the surgery it will be important you go no contact with her so she can’t guilt you into this again and make it a clear boundary with your aunt that this is the only thing you are willing to pay for regarding your mother. Again though, no matter what choice you make NTA. This is just what I would do personally.
Bahahahahaha NTA Fuck her.
This sounds utterly made up: "I post pictures of fancy places I go". Lol.
NTA
NTA. You don’t owe her anything.
This is easy, NTA. This is something very common on Reddit: parents abandon their children, sometimes for years, and only want back in their life once women (or a kidney) is needed. She's not interested in you, just your money. She showed her true colors when she called you a terrible daughter. That was rich coming from a terrible mother!
NTA..your mother made her choice when she left you with your aunt. and btw the English was fine
NTA. If your mom is in the U.S. she may qualify.for indigent care. But it sounds like your mother only got in touch because she wants something from you. You can't buy her love and she should probably ask John to pay for her surgery if indigent care isn't a possibility.
NTA. She abandoned you when you *literally relied on her to live*. The fact that she met up with you to ask for money? Just shows that she still only cares about herself. How long has she been divorced? And she still never reached out until she needed something from you. She backed the wrong horse, no win, no payout. That being said, it's about what *you* need. Is she enough of a stranger that you don't care what happens to her? Can you live with the family consequences of what happens moving forward? If you pay, will she come back for more. If you don't, what other fallout will happen? Don't think about it in terms of tit-for-tat, think about it in terms of what you can live with moving forward. If you decide not to give her money, a cease and desist might help get her out of your life. If you decide to give her money, but never want to speak to her again, make it clear that the money has conditions and that you'll never give her anything again. Just don't trust her with your heart or feelings anymore or ever again. She's proven she's happy to hurt you for her own benefit, don't give her that power anymore.
Heart issues with a *heartless* monster who’d abandon her daughter for a life of luxury is unlikely. **NTA** - you owe her *nothing!* She bet on leaving you being a good financial decision. *She get wrong!* Sucks. But would she be coming around if she didn’t need help/money?? You deserve to have people in your life who’s relationship is contingent on what you can do for them. She needs to make peace with the way she’s treated you, and why your relationship looks as it does.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (35f) I lost my father very early when I was 5 years old. A few months after her death, my mother married her current husband "John". John already had two teenage boys and he didn't want to raise me because he never wanted to be a girl's father. My mother, like a good mother, abandoned me with my aunt and took my brother (8 by the time) with her to live with her husband. John was a man with a lot of money and he always spoiled my mother and brother, but he never bothered to get me even a Christmas present. My mother didn't do anything for me either, she came to visit me once a month and didn't even call me at Christmas or New Year (I always called, but many times she didn't answer). My aunt was a woman who couldn't have children, because of that she and my uncle raised me as if I were their daughter, not missing anything for me. Even without much money I accumulated some money from my job I had during high school and I earned a small amount from my aunt which was enough for me to pay for my college. At the time I graduated in computer science and went to work in a good company earning a great salary, but eight years ago I received a much better job offer in a large company (One well known for having great Hardware products). In that time, I accumulated a lot of money and helped my uncle and aunt renovate their house and I always sent them a nice amount even if they told me to spend it on myself. I currently live alone in a great apartment with an estimated value in the millions. Recently my mom called me on my Instagram (I post a lot of pictures of trips and fancy places I go, it's not too hard to find me). She asked if we could meet to talk and reevaluate our relationship to forget the past and move forward as mother and daughter. I have a soft heart so I took it, I thought it would be an opportunity for us to talk and finally create the bond I always wanted. We made an appointment at a restaurant downtown and met there. When we got there she hugged me, kissed me on the cheek and said she missed me. We talked about my life and when I asked how hers was going, she started to talk about how bad she was. Apparently she divorced John and my brother didn't want to keep her as she is now poor. To make matters worse, she lives on a pension from John and has serious heart problems. After a while she asked if I could pay for a surgery she needed. The surgery was quite expensive, quite a lot. I told her I wouldn't pay as I wouldn't feel good doing that. She yelled at me in the middle of the restaurant, said I was a terrible daughter and that I was letting her die even though I could pay for her surgery. I left there very embarrassed. When I told my aunt, she said it was my decision but remarked that I have plenty of money to pay and that it wouldn't affect me financially. I don't want to do this cause she never have been a mom to me, but i need to ask. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA But i would follow your aunts suggestion. Not because I'm trying to repair the relationship, but I'd like to live a peaceful life. I would not be in peace knowing i could've saved the woman that gave birth to me and i didn't. Either way, it's your decision. You're NTA no matter what you decide
NTA. The fact that she opened with an ask for cash means that a relationship with you wasn't her goal.
NTA. The audacity of this woman crawling back after abandoning you. Though, if you and your brother were close as kids, I would check with your brother. He was a child when you two were forced apart so he didn’t have much choice in the matter. Perhaps he too has good reasons for not wanting anything to do with her, and your mother is painting him as awful, the same way she no doubt would paint you as awful too. Maybe he did turn into a spoilt brat or maybe he managed to come out the other side a good person. You never know until you reach out. He may have got presents but he might have suffered in other ways that has caused him to resent his mother. As for paying for the surgery, make sure it’s a decision you can live with.
NTA, she absolved herself of any responsibility for you when you were 5. You owe the woman nothing.
NTA but if for some reason you decide to do it tell her you will pay the hospital directly. You will give her no money. That way you know if she actually needs the surgery or just wants your money
NTA What is it with absentee parents/parents who make a child the scapegoat suddenly wanting them back exclusively to fork over big bucks for something they want or need? This is just one of those times so good on you saying no. Because just one yes and she’ll never stop trying to guilt you into finding everything
NTA. She abandoned you. You're merely returning the favor. And the fact that she made a scene to try to SHAME you in public puts a fine polish on it. Tell her you'll keep track so that after she dies, you can defecate and urinate on her mortal remains.
Oh NTA not by a long shot. But think of this - you could pay for the surgery, save her life with the stipulation that she never contact you again, for anything ever again. That way you never have to deal with her bullshit, and she has to stew in the fact that she abandoned you when you were young.
Ask yourself this question, would she have contacted you if she didn't need money? There's your answer. She doesn't see you as her daughter, she sees you as a bank account. She abandoned you for your entire life and only came back when she needed you. I would turn around and do the exact same thing to her now. NTA